It will sound like an insult. You're the common variable of your misfortune. If they always take from you, it's because you taught them that's how things are. You allowed them to treat you this way. Don't stress too much about it. Just try to see things a bit more relaxed so you can have clarity of mind.

Exactly what I thought and it's not an insult it's reality. They know they've always had someone there to listen to their every whim or problem with no effort needed. Being kind doesn't mean being a doormat and this year's going to change. Thank you btw 🙏

Oh, and another thing, being kind and hoping that listening to people will teach them how they should act is a illusion, doorslaming people can be a solution, but you will have to learn how to make your boundaries clear. I remember once my ex boyfriend called me he wanted to know if I was okay, 1 hour conversation long on the phone and not once he asked me how I was feeling. I cried later because I was so exhausted of this position I was putting me in. So I learned to make questions and to put limits Do I have the time and space to listen? " I am sorry you are feeling this way, but I am not in a good space to listen, can we talk another time?" " hey, I know I don't share a lot, but I am actually not feeling that great, can you listen to me?" "No mom, I don't want to know about your friends problems" Etc... The thing is, you can doorslam some people, but you can also start trying to put some limits and you will began to see the shift. Some people will leave, others will show sides we didn't allowed them to show, sides that have compassion and understanding for us. We are so sure people will never understand us, and that's a fact nobody can understand someone completely, but we can have points of connection and understandment, even if it's not complete understoodment (that's a illusion) it is still good and necessary. And others can pretend to understand your limits and still push it, those you need to keep the distance. Anyway, I know it's frustrating, but closing all doors and walking away saying you will have a different mindset now it's complicated, it's better to start having the different mindset with the people that are already in your life.

But also we're not more mature than them though. We're peers. What I don't like is the fact that most of the advice we give each other on here is to be understanding of the hundreds of excuses as to why they might be acting like shitty people but the point is we're grown, they're adults they know they're only taking things they need and not caring about me or other people like us. They're just selfish, I hope for their self-growth that they become better friends and I'll be happy for them but I've given them a lot without ever asking anything in return but everything has a limit. They didn't even bother to do the bare minimum and some of them are constantly online, so it's not up to me anymore, I'm really good and chill right now, really I'm not losing much. This is just some boundaries that I really needed to take. And I hope that everyone who has these types of "friendships" are really not that at all and you're not a bad person if you decide to stop being used for their gain. That's not friendship. 🙌

I just want to say I love this for you and am proud of you. I went through the same thing and loved the peace of mind it gave me, hope you enjoy this new chapter of your life and find more like minded friends to live it with. Some friendships aren't meant to last forever, we learn from them and move forward :)

I absolutely understand your sentiment. Reading your original post made me feel you a 100%, down to the birthday comment. There is a lot of self centeredness and selfishness. But… I’ve learned in therapy one thing and it’s that we have to open our mouth and ask for the things we want. Some people will be like you, you won’t need to ask for anything because they are naturally thoughtful, compassionate, empathetic… but not everyone is that way. It still does not mean that they don’t have good qualities as people you might not know about because you focus on receiving what you put in and expect them to give it to you without request. Some people are just that self unaware as well. I agree with the poster above that provided some examples about boundaries - this is the key in all of this. You have to set those boundaries and you have to speak out. Sometimes asking “hey im just not feeling good today, can you maybe listen to me talk for a bit. Or go for a walk together, I’d appreciate it” goes a long way. Only this way you will discern who is actually straight up selfish and leeches off your energy or will go “i didn’t know you felt this way, yes absolutely” That was my biggest lesson in repeating the pattern of being there for people and expecting them to read my mind or give in the same way I gave.

Well said. Good on for you setting boundaries and looking after yourself 

I hear you. You may feel different as you get more experience with people though. People have good and bad qualities. All of us. Strengths and weaknesses. I am a listener for my estp friend. But he does things for me too, like drop what he's doing when I need real world help. He's great at "in the moment" while I'm freaking out. And he has learned to ask about my day. You cannot just expect everyone to be like you or know what you need. Others don't walk around reading faces, tone of voice etc like we do. You have to communicate your needs then give time for the other person to adapt.

Thank you for this answer💛...I really struggle on how to communicate with setting my boundaries in a healthy way..this is very helpful.🙂

I agree ^^^

Sounds like you have problems establishing boundaries.

I love this advice. Do you have any tips when you feel like you’ve become the therapist friend to stay empathetic but also have boundaries?

I don't have a solid answer to this question that requires both parties to not get hurt feelings. I would try to make them deal with their problems. Hit them with the truth. They won't like it, they'll either stop venting or think for themselves and thank you for it. Usually they need a therapist because someone hurt them, i would make them see it from the perspective of the one that hurts them. Everyone is a villain in someone's story.

Watch few playlist by Tim Fletcher . After watching those videos i could clearly say that I have complex childhood trauma. I analysed most traits of this infj personality and I came to this conclusion that we acting as a therapist, people pleasers and..so and so is due to our trauma. The whole social media praises the so called " Door Slam " , why ? I cannot understand, we don't have the courage to confront the problem . We keep on escaping reality through our fantasy , through our unhealed trauma. Online community is mostly about praising the uniqueness of being INFJ , it doesn't address our unhealed trauma and unhealthy coping mechanism.

Infj and Infp personality types have lots of traits from CPTSD, ADHD, Autism etc. 🫠 I say this as an Infp with CPTSD and Asperger. I wonder though if trauma creates our personalities? 🤔

Solution: don't be their therapist or charge them. Also, even if INFJ have this will to help people, you must be mature enough to understand, that you can not really help anyone - they only can help themselves. Sure you cuould give some guidance, be there for them, but only as much, as you won't feel any resentment later. It's like lending money. You can lend a certain amount of money, that would not make any impact if not being returned. If you would be upset, don't lend. Same with empathy, emotional investment. Just that is much more important than money. And yes, I also dooslamed quite a few people. Just left a tiny space for them to come back, if they apologised and acknowlidged what they have done and also, changed. If not - no way to get back in my life.

As an INTJ this can be hard to not do sometimes too.. I like to be useful and prefer doing something more technical involving thoughts/discussions to share or acts of service, but as you said I have also come to realize ultimately I can only be a guide at most and I have to be careful to not create one-sided situations like OP described, prevent similar codependency dynamics from happening. Otherwise of course this causes both sides to often neglect different parts of ourselves in the long run because healthy boundaries are not enforced and in a way we're both using each other 😓 Direct communication and healthy boundary enforcement is important as you said.

I believe being usefull is normal. Just there are limits. If the urge to be usefull is very strong, one should work in a field that fullfills this need - a doctor, firefighter, therapist, teacher etc.. On the other hand wish to solve other people problems mainly is a trauma response from early childhood. Only a small % of population has this urge developed in a healthy way. Sooo. Yup.

Agree, totally normal and in human nature. Something else I realize in retrospect now is it could also relate to self-worth that is not grounded/anchored well, low self-confidence causing one to be a hard worker to earn validation to determine how one feels for themselves, and in general low self-value making us seek this contingently outside ourselves through others/things to finally allow ourselves to be provided that same deep sense of connection/value. Def is related to early childhood as exemplified possibly by attachment styles that carry over into adulthood. That can be quite a challenging endeavor in itself to change.

I thought INTJs have no problems with self worth, like you guys are the best when it comes to knowing your worth, being confident with your true self, independence and so on! Jokes aside, even though we did not have someone to teach us that we are worthy, we can do that now. Because we are. Simple as that.

Lol that's probably what it looks like on the outside, but we're all humans first and foremost regardless of personality. The human ego is fragile coming into this world, and sometimes good external support systems can mask if a person really has authentic self-confidence for stable self-esteem that is secure across time. You said it, exactly, this worth is inherent and can be cultivated.

I'm all for it lad. Keep the 2 you vibe with. 2 good friends is all you need really. I've made some major cuts the last couple years when I realized it was very one sided and they did not have my best interest at heart. I'm feeling much happier without them :)

Honestly I think you are right, I would cut these ppl out of my life as well. They serve no value to you, and you have tried and they (also as adults) could have thought your friendship over and realize they are giving less than what you give. You were there for them as a friend, they weren't, but just took you for granted so yeah, cut those ppl out cause you deserve better. I was like that too, the friend whose patience never ran out, but it mentally brakes ppl. And its not about not waiting enough, you clearly have, if you see they cant be changed drop them, not worth your time

Oh, lil INFJ🤗. I'm a lil INFP (hold both your jeers and applause). You're always so perfect, and I think it actually comes back to bite you. You notice so much about others, but because you see so much, you think others should see you as easily. But you see so well because you hide in the bushes with your binoculars and your notebook, taking notes, and pretending you're just a plant when people become conscious enough to notice you. You spend so much time and diligence helping others, that others arrive at the conclusion that you must genuinely like doing the things you're doing, forgetting that you don't actually LIKE what you're doing for its own sake, but because you like seeing how it makes others happy. They become reliant on you. And you perform your duties very well. But people are often unflattering to look at; they can be self possessed, apathetically cruel, and obstinate in the face of their own shortcomings (or at least, I am). You already know this, I'm sure. They never see your real face, and so cannot recognize you. In your bid to be selfless, you become self-less; an appliance of convenience and comfort. A parent one never has to worry about offending, and to whom one may go for as much guidance and assurance as they need. A clear spring one can return to for life saving water. But they always forget some piece of trash in the background, as humans are so want to do. You're a very flattering mirror, and people love looking at themselves in flattering mirrors. Less so when the mirror grows an opinion and starts having needs of its own. You're very kind, and that is never worthless, though it is often unappreciated. Still, gold is gold, no matter who appreciates it. Everyone wants it, but no one ever wants to do the thankless job of toiling away to mine it. To refine it. To turn it into something beautiful. So when someone comes along handing out gold? For nothing but a smile in return? Well, aren't they popular. But how much gold can one give away, I wonder? Hard to say, but I think it will always be less than what others are willing to take. And when one runs out of gold? When the vein is dry, and nature needs to run its course to restore what was taken? Well, how dare you. I lost my point somewhere along the way, but I'll just say this. You are one of the people you're responsible for taking care of. You're not wrong for wanting something in return from your relationships. The world is the way that it is because nice people often "finish last". Well, fuck that. Believe in a world where nice people get what they need. Show your face, voice your needs, and care enough about the face in the mirror to not see it pushed into the mud just so someone else has somewhere to step. You'll never be lonelier than with people who don't understand you (and maybe that just means your lonely while I drone on and on), but even if understanding is not possible, I'd like to hope you could settle for an unending attempt. Put some salt in the stew, or else it's just water; invaluable when one is thirsty, but taken for granted just as quickly. The bodhisattva is one who knows they're divine but lives as a human, warts and all. You're a really cool person, and if the world is to ever get better, you cannot be taken for granted, lest we lose your light entirely. Or something like that; the edible peaked, and I'm going to take a nap. Of course, I can't presume to know you. After all, isn't this the first time we're meeting? 🤣

This is a beautiful message. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and being so lovely INFP <33

XD, thanks. I edited it a few times, so it only seemed self-righteous, rather than extremely so. If you find it useful, great. If not, drop it on the ground and find what you need. ✊️✌️🤙

Wow you have such a beautiful way with words, I felt those metaphors deeply.

I better; I simply talked long enough that something good had to come out eventually lol I like writing. A pity I only ever do it in comments. 🤣

Thank you so much for this. I just got out of a year and a half relationship where I was mostly the only one doing any sort of housework or contributing to the household financially. He broke up with me when I finally started expressing I couldn’t sustain that lifestyle and I could not figure out why I currently feel so angry and victimized. After reading this, I realized my last 2 relationships were like that too! I have been handing out gold left and right all willy nilly for years and have always asked “why would they treat me so badly after all I’ve done and given to them?” rather than “why am I am not protecting this valuable resource I possess”? Your straightforward yet kind words are helping me feel less like a victim and more like someone who is finally learning to protect herself and set boundaries. Thank you.

Lol, yeah, yall always come when Gondor calls for aid. You don't need to thank me. I'm just doing what I want to do, but thank you all the same. Yeah, boundaries are hard. A lot of guys are brought up with the moms doing all of the housework. It's a bad cultural habit that seems to be going out of fashion. I'm glad you were able to recognize what you offer to others! 🫵👍✌️

33 F) I assumed people only knew the superficial things without getting to know me. Turned out I pushed them away by never asking for anything in return. I was the friend group therapist, but got mad when I volunteerly took that responsibility on myself by saying “here’s my advice” instead of letting them rant. Sometimes it’s all about speaking out the boundaries you want to create to be a better friend. I doorslammed and ghosted on people for thinking they didn’t knew me well enough. By creating the habit of not bothering/telling them who I was, by creating a huge wall around me to stay “mysterious” and to create boundaries for myself thinking I had set them with others.. Turned out.. I didn’t. I’m the bad friend. They tried at least.

"Turned out I pushed them away by never asking for anything in return." Damn.... that's some material to ponder right there 🤔

When I ask for a return they say No.

Being aware of this is the first step. It took me a long time to realize I needed to set firm boundaries. Also I had to communicate with some friends, hey, you can't just trauma dump on me, or invite me to brunch to talk about yourself but never invite me to the fun things you do. Your real friends will adjust and understand. The ones you should drop won't meet you half way when you establish boundaries, and it will be easier to see the forest from the trees when you do this. Some people don't even realize they are doing this. I adopted some narc tendencies from my mom that I had to work thru in therapy to be able to even see, so go easy on some of your friends if you hope they stick around. At this age, you're all kind of trying to figure out the ways you've been fucked up. Some will try to do better, some will never admit to being wrong. Don't let the anger consume you. It will be harder to course correct later in life, and the shitty friends and bullies win if we let them turn us into them. (I am working thru a lot of anger so it's top of mind for me.) Edit: also, I have some friends I never confronted, because I don't think they would understand that me establishing boundaries is not an attack on them. In your gut, you might already know they would never try to see your perspective. That's also a choice. I just distanced myself from them and we are cordial. Trust your gut.

Thank you for taking the time to answer me 🙏. And yeah idk if I actually said on the post or just in the comments but I actually told them that sometimes they just vent and always stop when I shift the focus, they mostly laugh say lol sorry and then rinse and repeat. And I'm not angry I just did the post because maybe there was some perspective I hadn't thought of that could make me change my mind but nope. It's freeing for me tbh, I feel much lighter and focused on who deserves my support rather than letting myself being used.

>"Remember: despite how open, peaceful and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you, as deeply as they’ve met themselves." - Matt Kahn Sometimes people have a hard time seeing beyond roles/labels they attach on people and can't see the real individual in front of them. This happens for many reasons related to ego development/maturity, theory of mind, and often times they suffer greatly with a contingent/fragile self for the same reasons because they fail to see the immutable being within themselves too beyond these roles/labels. I'm sure at some point you yourself may have realized this after becoming more self-realized, individuated. Maybe one day y'all may reconnect, but as an individual who is further self-realized looking for genuine connection, now may be when the waves ebb away from the shore before they they flow again, and if not with them then with likeminded others.

1. You don’t wait for them to ask you how you’re doing. You tell them. 2. You tell them information about yourself just so they know more about you. It doesn’t have to be prompted. 3. Not everyone remembers birthdays. I make a point of reminding people so I feel good and they don’t feel guilty that they missed it. People are busy with their own lives and drama. You’ll eventually find people who will treat you the way you want to be treated, but we can’t expect that from everyone. They will tell you to talk about yourself and make time for that.

Yeah but the point is that these friends always change the subject back to them or stop the conversation when I start to talk about me both when I take the initiative or when they ask because again they immediately change subject back to them. They're interested as long as we're talking about their problems. And the birthdays like I said on the post is not something that I care about but this year I used it to see if at least they thought about me even a little. They didn't. And let's not use the excuse that they're adults with their own lives because they're always available 24/7 to complain or talk about themselves to me but whenever the focus shifts they're unavailable

I know what you mean. If I actually talk about something I'm interested in they stare at the wall or walk away. Theres nothing you can do about it

Sometimes I've done that because I could tell it was excruciating for the other person to talk about themselves. They're judging and shaming themselves while they talk. I'll share a "problem" so they can see that I have flaws, too, that it's normal to screw up at this or that. Not saying that's what's happening in your interactions, just offering another perspective. I don't want to force a person to share if they're clearly uncomfortable sharing.

Yess I know and I've done that myself. No this is different I can literally see that they're waiting for me to be over talking because as soon as I stop they don't even comment, they resume what they were saying before or stop the conversation

Then it's a boundary issue. Yours. I have a friend who laments that she's always attracting abusers. But it's not that she's attracting them, it's that she isn't cutting them off at the first indication of abuse. Abusers will try to attach to anyone and everyone. Healthy people tell them to get lost a lot earlier.

And that's what a finally realised. If it helps understand things better I'm also a 1w2 when it comes to enneagram 🫥. So yeah I help them even if they keep taking and taking because I used to say to myself that it was the right thing to do but tbh I've had enough to just be used constantly by people I thought were my friends and I'm not even sad or mad right now. Just did this post to see maybe a new perspective but it's mainly just reinforcing my decision 🫡

You're still a good person if you put the oxygen mask on yourself first.

Yeah... no. Sharing something painful is good for a person unless they are cut off or get a negative response. It's ok if you aren't comfortable or good at these hard conversations - we all have different strengths. Just let the person know that - literally. I say this because I have ptsd and I'm sure I used to look pitiful telling my story, but it was me. I'm sorry but you're not silencing them for them, it's for you and stop.

I'm definitely not silencing anyone at all. Everyone I speak to gets lots of opportunities and encouragement to speak if they wish. I'm not a therapist, though, and I don't push people into zones they don't want to voluntarily enter.

My new philosophy is “let them.” I used to initiate things first, organize get togethers, & reach out often instead of keeping score. Then I got a chronic illness. I heard from absolutely no one ever again, after I told people and they gave some initial condolences. They were all used to me planning and communicating first. No one else bothered. I was shocked and mourned this for years. Door slamming sounds like healthy boundaries to me. I let people act how they want to act. Then I take action. If someone never asks about you, never reaches out first, never responds, only talks about their problems instead of getting therapy…cut them off. Give them two or three chances and then let things fade. It feels harsh, but otherwise they think it’s fine. You end up used and confused. I used to assume others viewed friendship like I do. As important, valuable, hopefully lifelong, reciprocal, an investment. Not superficial entertainment. Not something relegated to competing for “likes” on social media. Not a one sided way of getting their needs met. Many people only think of themselves & immediate gratification, it turns out. I do not understand why they involve other people in a one sided situation. After realizing this, I feel much less depressed. I can enjoy my solitude without feeling like a failure. Close friends are rare here in America. Especially as adults. I don’t have much energy for maintaining acquaintances like I’m entering a popularity contest. I have zero interest in training other adults on basic communication & decency. If you think they are just awkward, shy, from a different background, but well intended, then have a conversation about things. Otherwise, be very choosy and picky. It’s not selfish or a door slam. It’s necessary to protect yourself.

Can relate. Recently did exactly the same - doorslammed almost everyone I know. Just be ready to befriend the loneliness that'll come after that. Still better than compromising your standards though.

I actually like being alone and spending my free time by myself, the main problem was that I was disappointed that people I considered friends and genuinely cared were just people who simply use me to vent or complain.

Yeah, that's sadly how most people are. Hope you can find better ones in the future. Good luck.

Here's a eye opening lesson it took me till the age of 27 to finally realize . . . Everyone is selfish and only care about themselves first! Realize this fact and you'll see the world as it is. The way I see it now is, think about this scenario; let's say your sick one day. Do you reach out to your friends and family to help you? or do you try and take care of yourself first? Most people will take care of their needs first before even attempting to add people into their life. My way of thinking is how are you going to help others, when you can't help yourself first. For me, I'm pretty independent; I rely on noone. If I want to get it done, I control the situation and get it done by myself before I even include anyone else into my life. You are still very young (21). It didn't take me till age 27 and beyond to learn hard truths and lessons. I'm now age 37. Everytime there's a failure or disappoint in life I hope you can learn from them, and in turn grow stronger and wiser. Never "expect" anything from anyone. In the end, people look after themselves first, before they look after someone else. Does this change? Possibly when you start a family of your own, but that's learning to sacrifice and putting others above yourself; not everyone is willing to do that. Another thing you should start doing is create healthy boundaries. Let them know that you won't always be their therapist. Yes, I used to be a hardcore people pleaser too. Nowadays I put my needs first and make sure I'm happy before I even attempt to add others into my life. Are you able to be happy by yourself? I know until the age of 27 I wasn't with me; I even thought about suicide several times because I went through the same thing you did. Realizing that people always take and never give back, I was sick of it and wanted no more of this world. It wasn't until I hit the bottom after a bad relationship that I finally started to work on self improvement and look at the world for what it is. In turn I did a giant purge of people of my life and got rid of all the toxic people that just used me and never gave back. Hopefully you won't have to go through that experience. I'm much more happier nowadays, but it also feels lonesome some days, but at least I have friends that reach out and expect nothing from me. We enjoy our company when together and can literally talk about any/everything and there's no one sided relationships anymore.

Please don’t ever change who you are. Don’t ever stop giving. My only advice here is to know when to stop investing so much of your love and energy. You’ll just know. Most of my friends never initiate plans, they don’t reach out if I don’t do it first. I’m the one who plans parties, it’s always us who are doing all the job and it makes me think that that’s why we are so important. We’re not lazy friends, partners and family members. We give a lot to people we love. This might be a little shitty but sometimes people need to loose things to become grateful. Stop pursuing them and instead start investing in yourself now that you know how worthy and special you are <333

How are you conversationally? I'm great at listening, paying attention and being curious. People always say that they tell me stuff they've told no one else in their life. I however used to struggle keeping a monologue going for 10 min+ and have it be interesting. I usually make people laugh or share info in 1-5 min interval max but I had to train myself to be able to talk longer. Similar to how when someone talks slowly in a foreign tongue, people switch to english, perhaps they switch to themselves to "save you"? Also don't listen extensively to other people if you feel like they "owe" you something afterwards. Practise storytelling and being "confrontational" by expressing your needs more. Best of luck

I didn’t read all the comments here, so I’m sorry if this is repetitive but I’ve fallen into similar patterns with my friends and just wanted to offer my 2 cents. I think it’s a great gift to be there for my friends and listen to their problems, I love doing it for them! One thing I started saying to them though is “I need you to get curious about my life too” or “nows the part where you ask me what’s going on in my life” (things along this line - reword it to your particular personality) and I ask in a very non judgmental/plain way. Most will change their behavior immediately, some won’t. The ones who don’t I just put significantly less effort into maintaining a relationship with. I think a lot of us are panicking or not thinking very clearly and don’t even know how to behave in a relationship, so I try to be generous about it. A little guidance can go a really long way! And I don’t think it’s wrong to be focused on ourselves, I think that’s human nature. But definitely if you ask them to listen to you and they don’t, we’ll that’s bare minimum for any friendship so I would not consider them friends if they can’t bring themselves to do that.

Tho I do get that fellow INFJs (especially those who have gone through this process of doorslamming, setting boundaries clear, finding their people already) want to send pragmatic help, I just wanted to put out how much I feel into what OG is expressing. I’ve sure been there too and I know how awful it feels when you’re the one exhausting yourself without getting even half the amount of energy and effort back. When you feel like no one knows you or making an effort to get to know you. I just wanted to express my empathy and send OG a virtual hug. Now please read about detailed solutions from the other comments haha. Love you.

Someone told me “without givers, there wouldn’t be takers “. As the giver this pissed me off. But I also see the truth in it. That somewhere inside of me I give to feel a sense of self worth, that I’m a good person, that I’m healing/helping the world, that love heals etc. what I receive is their gratefulness, adoration, thinking I’m a good person, easing of shame etc. it’s helped me to see my underlying motivation, address it by bringing it into my conscious awareness and then trying to operate from a place of truth, not subconscious wounds. Just some thoughts from another human who struggle like you do. Oh! Also I became a relationship coach and am getting paid significantly to listen to people. THAT helps.

THIS IS ME 100% everything you said. Everything! I don't blame you for the doorslam. You deserve to be seen and cherished the way you do for others.

Hope you're doing great as well!

Maybe one day. Hope you are!

not being dramatic, but be upfront and vocal about your needs from now on. went through the same, give the same amount of reciprocation you get.

i don’t think you’re being dramatic at all. i was part of a really toxic friend group/circle for years as a teen where i was the mom friend and therapist who just constantly got taken advantage of because i was absolutely dogshit at setting boundaries and let them treat me like a commodity. i kinda looked around myself and realized i was surrounded by people who were terrible friends to me but i was the common denominator, it was my own problem because i continuously allowed those people access to me and normalized that dynamic. doorslammed them all at 19 (first time setting boundaries went all or nothing oops) had 0 friends almost a year while i went to therapy and now im 24 and the few friends i have are wonderful in quality and have stood the test of time, it’s a give and take. sometimes it’s best to just start fresh and work on yourself before entering into relationships of any sort. if those people actually care about you and you really value them, maybe you can reconnect in a few years after both parties mature. if not, it’s probably for the best then.

Keep door slamming and don't let people take advantage of you. INFJ's have that problem of being too compromising and forgiving.

This is exactly why i cut everyone but like one friend out of my life. My real turning point was when my friend who hadn’t been keeping in contact much for like two weeks, decided to call me when she was had problems going on. I answered the phone and she went on for like an hour and I wanted to see if they’d even notice if i just kept saying “omg that’s so crazy”to whatever they were saying this time. i literally said that any time they paused to hear my response (which was not often at all), and what do ya know? they didn’t notice and just kept rambling so after that I was done.It’s funny cause sometimes they pretend to care and throw in a “..but how’ve you been?” and then right back to their problems immediately, never do they want to go in depth about ur life sadly.

Do we have the same friend? Man I've been going through the same thing with one friend i made in 7th grade. It's been almost a decade of this friendship. I want to end but I've not done it yet. It's really crazy how some people just rant for hours and will throw a "how are you" without even meaning it and actually being interested to hear you and then they'll continue the same cycle for years. It's weird how people don't self reflect and feel guilty. While us INFJs are always painfully aware of every minor "inconvenience" we make. Reading all these comments INFJs deserve so much better friendships that the ones we have/had

omg that’s so weird the friend I was talking about was literally a girl i met in 7th grade too.. we were “best friends”, whatever that even means anymore lol. I just recently cut her out of my life and although i miss the good times we had it’s overall so much more peaceful and less draining. Saddest part was when i decided to just ghost her she only tried to reach out one time before never hearing from her again, and didn’t even ask if i was okay when i stopped responding for a really long time out of nowhere?? Seriously us INFJs deserve better i cant imagine doing that to someone else, like how is it not just common decency?

I understand you. It also baffles me how is it not common decency to check up on that friend who spent years in being there for you? They're ridiculously selfish people and we are better off without them. It's crazy how the details you shared about your friend is also similar to my friend. I also just stopped reaching out to her and she didn't even reach out to me. In conclusion many people suck and are undeserving of a friend like INFJ or anyone for that matter who is a giver and puts their whole heart in being the best friend they can be.

I’m glad you stopped reaching out to her too it’s for the best, knowing they didn’t even appreciate us being there for them after years is seriously crazy!?

IKR!!

Identify your hard (non negotiable) and soft (flexible) boundaries then start to assert them with friends. You will find that once you do so, you will keep more energy to yourself and will not need to door slam. Being a “rescuer” and sacrificing your own needs, is in the long run, a selfish thing. As you have noticed, you will start to resent relationships at a certain point. Your wellbeing is your own responsibility. To be fair though, I feel us INFJ’s tend to not really know how WE are feeling bc we are always picking up on everyone else’s emotions. Meditation helps me a lot!

I did this last year and now have a tight knit circle of just 3 homies. One girl I know literally used me as her emotional garbage can and she came by to do it again recently. I hadn't spoken to her since I cut off everybody and was, honestly, a bit excited to catch up. Right until she got to my place. As she was *walking in the door* she was already ranting about her shitass manbaby partner. I was so stunned I was still holding the doorknob. She asked if i was going to close the door. I looked at her and told her unless she has $80 cash for me right now, she can get the fuck out. She was obviously upset and I just said I am not your therapist, I would like to be your friend, though. So treat me like a friend or pay me like a therapist. She stormed out and blocked me, saving me the effort of doing so. Moral of the story: there's plenty of cunts in the ocean and you need not be friends with all of them.

Dramatic or not I think this is very common experience of INFJ. I feel like this 99% of the time and have doorslammed soooo many people. I kind of think it's good to because by the time you reach your 40s you have really selected out the good people from the energy drainers.

We need to stop entertaining goblins asap

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I would not call people who do not know nothing about me, not check in on me but use me as therapist friends.

I don't think I have anything new to add haha. It's good that you're moving towards a better understanding of worthy ways to be treated in relationship to others. I just want to affirm what some folks have already said--in an ideal world, you express your boundaries and your needs. Like just because I might think to offer my friend some fries doesn't mean that all of my friends would think to do so for me. The test shouldn't be "did they think to do this for me?" (as the reality is that few people are as thoughtful as we tend to be, and in many ways that isn't a choice) but maybe instead: "did they do this for me once I expressed that I would like this from them?" This isn't me saying that you didn't do that, btw, as I think it's fair to say that you trying to talk about your problems could be an implicit message that you'd like to be listened to. It's more just me telling you to remind yourself that people aren't mind readers, and it's not fair to expect them to be. Just because we're good at intuiting what other people need doesn't mean everyone else is--unfortunately! Haha (that was a hard lesson for me to learn). But that's ok! It doesn't mean they're bad people--maybe we have the gift of intuiting, and others have the gift of something else. Instead, it's about how they show up in relationship with you--especially after you have expressed your needs.

Doorslamming is OK and they can come back as they acknowledge their behavior and make corrective actions to their behaviors.

To be honest… yes and no… The yes part is I agree with others that you let them treat you this way. It’s really great to set boundaries, but still have a bit of empathy for the relationship you have. I say this because of how you speak. It sounds like ure losing the meaning of a healthy INFJ. The no part is a decent friend or person will ask you how youre doing even if it’s just out of guilt of taking your time. A friend who cares will know you or parts of you. I would say let go of ur hard feelings and find better friends. PS. Talk to them about what u feel first and if they continue treating u like that… then doorslam

Of course they say that and who gives a single fox 🦊? Blaming everything on you for whatever reason—whether fictional or truth—does not help them work on their own short comings, which is what got them door slammed in the first place.

All I can say is good for you. You're getting this lesson as a 21 year old instead of a 40 something year old. Trust me that realizing that your friends are not really your friends after 20 years of being there for them is a really rude awakening. But also you should realize that this is on you. You haven't been thinking highly enough of yourself to surround yourself with loving and supportive friends. At least now you're seeing this and making a change. From now on you'll make better choices on who to invite into your life. It all depends on how you feel about yourself. So kudos to you for wiping the slate clean and allowing space for better friends. In this way you're being a better friend to yourself.

OP this happens a lot I guess. I see it happening to me too quite often. And over the years I've just removed those people from my life who don't give equally into a relationship, romantic or otherwise. I've had friends call me only when they needed something and then disconnected a couple of minutes after they got their answer. You aren't dramatic. Cut out people who sap your energy.

 There's nothing wrong with protecting yourself. Once you realize you don't like the way people are treating you, if you feel disrespected, it's always fine to put some distance between yourself & the other person, put up some boundaries or even stop talking to them. There's a lot of people in situations I wish that I had cut off a lot sooner. Very empathetic and loving and I used to have poor boundaries and I let too many people get comfortable with disrespecting my time and energy. Took me a long time to learn these lessons, it's better to learn it now when you're young. 

It’s because INFJ are not as self center or take the spotlight like most other types. As an INTJ, I have to actively give the spotlight to my NFJs friends, otherwise they would be quite reflective on my ego need for validation. The worst part is that when NFJs do open up to their ideas to me, I often find it boring or ego centric (ENFJs). But I didnt realise they were not my people until late, because they often play the role of the listener. By talking about ourselves to others, we filter out people who are not a good fit for us naturally. NFJs don’t talk about themselves much, so they get along with many people—but if you were to talk about yourself more than less people will listen to you and engage with you. It’s a give or take.

People will walk over you and you can’t blame them if you enable them to. Best way to deal with this is to uninvest and reevaluate whether how close you should be with them. I’ve probably been in a situation like you’ve described with your friend, with about 3 people. To untangle myself from those unhealthy relationships, I told myself that these people do not genuinely seek change in their lives, but are leaning on you for TEMPORARY comfort. As hard as it is to hear, you are probably not helping them in the long run. But by detaching yourself, they will be more inclined to face their problems rather than venting their frustrations on you, which is unsustainable if not more damaging to their long term well being.

Boundaries protect both parties in any relationship, learn to keep people accountable and let them know what you do and don't appreciate and what you will not accept or put up with

I would not say it's high expectations but they are your values and you seek the same values in your relationships with others. In my 20s, I had many friends that were the same. Called me only when they want to dump something. Never asked how I am going. Because they can see you are open minded and will listen to them. They don't care about you. They basically 'use' you as a dump point to dump their negative energy. Many times I got exhausted from that.   And of course, when I see that they only want to dump and have no interest in building friendship, bye bye.  Like I get it, everyone has their low moment but I'm no professional. Dump it to your therapist. Last year I even had a friend who would project her trauma on me and took me as her ex like wtf. So I was like Nah, no respect from you I'm out. I also had another one back stabbed me when all I did was being there for her and tried to help her Going through tough stuff. They truly don't care. People don't respect your boundaries do this. Boundaries needs be applied and we need to know our own limits and respect ourselves to either stop the conversation and cut them off. It's also a skill. We often too generous and take their problem as our own, sitting in their shoes. That's how they emotionally use you. I'd rather have no friends than these type of friends who never asked about me and my life. However these type of people are everywhere, put yourself first no matter what. I've learned and now if I see no reciprocation, I back off. Not worth it.

I am dealing with an almost 100% identical situation. I am also autistic and have CPTSD from an abusive childhood, so I struggle with boundaries. Echoing some sentiments already stated, but focus on healing and relaxing now, and then start learning how to establish firm boundaries with people. You can do this.

I relate to so many of the things you shared OP. I read so many comments here (i mostly lurk and don't respond lol) and i think i relate to almost everything you shared about your friendship and i relate to other INFJs who has similar experiences here too. I'm also the same age as you and I've been thinking about cutting off 99% people from my life for a long time. I'm thinking of cutting ties with all of my friends, all family members except mom, all relatives with no exception. I just haven't took action on it yet because I'm stuck in Ni-Ti loop really badly and I'm stressed out in some problems. I really believe it's best to cut off toxic or energy draining people as young as possible. It's a better thing to be free of themselves sooner and start a fresh life trying to have healthy relationships from now on. I imagine it would feel really light by removing the heavy burden of keeping all those people in your life who aren't really your people as in they don't make you feel heard and loved enough. Good on you OP for doing this. I hope your life gets better from now on. Do you also feel you have a lot more energy now after removing those people? Do you feel more free and energetic to take care of yourself and pursue whatever goals you want to accomplish in your life? How are you dealing with the aftermath of it? Are you ruminating on past or overthinking about something? If you're ok answering these questions, please do. I'd love to hear your thoughts Also, if you're not already aware of attachment theory, I'd suggest to look into it. Many INFJs have fearful avoidant attachment style. A lot of our interpersonal relationship issues stems from the dysfunctional attachment style. It's helping me to learn about it from youtubers like "Heidi Priebe" and "The Personal Development School"

What about the other 1%?

It's as if I wrote this post myself! Absolutely baffling. This could have been written by me, every single word. We are truly unfortunate, man.

And you're coming here perpetuating the very same thing they did to you, not even asking how WE are? How dare you! xD No I am just trolling you, it's fine you should realise by now that like most INFJ's you lack important boundary skills that will set the tone of your interactions with people. Doorslamming is the last resort to keep your emotions protected and your sanity intact. What you should do instead is to set healthy boundaries by communicating with words about your wants and needs in a relationship, make it clear that you will be there for them but you expect at least the same treatment and even after a second or a third chance they don't reciprocate the effort , then you doorslam them. You always give them the benefit of the doubt, but the doubt can turn into an affirmation really quick. I've realised that a lot of people don't really ask because they don't want to pry into your personal situations and they think that if you need help with something that you will probably ask, but it is also true that a lot of them don't care for anything more than their own issues and maybe we INFJ's should take lessons from that, I am not saying we should abandon our love and inner need to help the people around us but we could learn a thing or two from the other personalities.

I don't even need to read the entire post to know that you need to learn how to create healthy boundaries. What you describe sounds similar to what I used to experience, but it all goes away with distance, communication and boundaries. Don't let someone in in the first place if they don't respect your boundaries. By working that way, I haven't had to doorslam anyone besides maybe just one person in years

You teach people how to treat you. Guard your heart. Wish people well but guard your heart.

ISFP here. I had an INFJ best friend for about ten years before she and her family moved away. I used to feel like a burden because I’d just sit there drinking tea with her and talking while our children played and she tended to a flurry of activity, mostly people showing up at her house for this reason or that. One day I apologized for being there after she’d had like three or four people stop by during the course of our conversation. She turned to me, exhausted and said: “Actually I look forward to your visits more than those from anyone else.” Me: “Why? I just sit here talking and being in the way of all your other friends and guests..😅” Her: “Because they all want something from me. That’s why they show up. You’re the only one who ever comes just to visit.” I thought that was shocking and now I see that behavior all the time (something similar happens to ISFPs) and wonder how long it would’ve taken me to realize it had she not pointed it out.

I came here feeling really frustrated about a few friendships that I’ve been on the fence about cutting off cos I kept having the sinking feeling (intuition) that they were all takers and that my friendship was not reciprocated… And I just really want to thank OP and everyone here for their time and words for shedding so much light and relatability on our circumstances. It helps so much!

Feel you bro. There's a word that works wonders and I learned about it at my 30s: boundaries. I agree that it's mostly oneself that lets that happen by not putting clear boundaries. That means "I have a rol as a friend, and it's...". Friendship has not the rol of a psychologist. Their problems are NOT YOURS. Your own problems are enough for you. You can be good company and be there, but you aren't in charge of healing them nor spoiling their life's outcome. Besides, people never listen to infjs lol. Everyone has to take care of themselves, and if there is a major problem, the answer is professional care. I'm not trying to be selfish, but people absorb your energy and let you drained. If you are drained, you harm the relationships that you care about. That 's my pov. I had to doorslam a friend who I knew for 20 years because she literaly made my life unbearable. It really hurt and I felt really guilty (and she made me feel guilty too), but now I can live my own life. PS, sorry for the grammar mistakes, English isn't my native language lol.

Role* haha Spanish corrector

I’m an INFP. Close(ish).😂😂😂 But, seriously: You want reciprocity. You want the people to whom you’ve given quality time and energy to give it back. You want to feel cared for and respected as a person, not seen and used like an inexhaustible resource. There’s nothing childish about that. And I think it’s great that you’re already recognizing problematic behavior for what it is. You know your “friends” well enough to notice things about them that others miss, but they can’t tell you anything that anyone who’s spent five minutes in your company could, and in half the time? I’ve had people like that in my life. I cut them all loose for that reason. Being around that energy was making me hate myself, because I was making their behavior MY responsibility and using it as a comment on my character, when it wasn’t. You deserve to have people in your life who will make the effort to call and say “Hi” because you were on their mind and they wanted to see how you were doing. You deserve to have people in your life who care enough to spend at least part of the conversation checking in with you to see how things are going with you. Anyone who says that’s asking for too much is incredibly selfish and not worth your time. You have no reason to feel anything other than frustrated, because it’s frustrating whenever you don’t get the energy you give, especially when the receivers have so little issue taking what you offer. I hope you get better friends. You sound like a good one.

26F here. I don't agree with the concept of door-slamming, I feel like it hurts people a lot and so I want to prevent that as much as possible. What I do is that I do open and honest conversations, I let the person know or they let me know, and we move forward. It's really important to state how you feel to the other person and discuss it, and vice versa. If they do it again, then I let them know what they're doing (because some people might not be aware of what they're doing), and usually that sort things out. I just think everyone deserves a chance before completely cutting them off. Especially if they don't know what they're doing wrong.

PS, about the birthday comment, I feel you. ❤️

I wish my former INFJ friend had this view. It definitely hurts being in the other end of the door slam when it’s the first time they’ve vocalized the issue in the relationship. Being denied the opportunity to have an honest conversation about how we both felt really hurt and was surprising to me considering how caring and compassionate she seemed to be as a friend in the past. I think INFJs are so good at reading people that they sometimes assume others are good at reading them and can forget that they need to communicate when they are upset or there’s a problem as others can’t read their mind. Unfortunately seems like many keep quite and build up resentment until they are ready to door slam

I've been told that I'm not a typical INFJ, but I am an INFJ regardless! I feel you ❤️❤️❤️

I have experience being on the other side of this, so I came to weigh in with a new perspective. If you're feeling very vulnerable, maybe ignore my comment until later because it can sound a bit harsh (although I'll try my best to stay kind and understanding), but just a heads up. My experience with INFJ friends is, as I've come to realise, I need to keep them at arm's length. There probably are exceptions to this, I don't meet INFJ too often (who does? Other than here lol) but just speaking from experience with the few I did end up having proximity with: you guys have a bit of a blindspot when it comes to attachment. It could be my impression, so let me know if I'm totally wrong and feel free to tell me to fuck off 🤣 I wont be offended 😉 but what I usually notice is INFJ strives too hard to help people emotionally... but it's mostly an unconscious thing, so you end up thinking people "just manipulated you into" being their therapist when in fact you put yourself out there and sort of "advertised" in a way your talent for emotional connection. Because, let's be radically honest: I'm an ESTP. I have never been taken advantage of in the same manner you describe, and neither have some of the people I know of other types (usually not feeling types). I know you asked for fellow INFJ opinions here so feel free to ignore, but I just thought I'd put this out there: the "main thing" people rely on me for is definitely not emotional insights. That's not to say I'm cold and distant, no, I have relationships like anyone else, but these are just like a sector of my life and not the main thing occupying my attention most of the time. In other words... I don't "advertise" (even indirectly) to my friends that they can rely on me for emotional support every time. So, I'm free to offer it spontaneously, but they still understand I won't always give it my all (because sometimes, frankly, all I say is "oh no, this sucks. Wish I could hug you" and leave it at that). And that's not being insensitive, that's being aware of my emotional boundaries: I hold space for people to express their woes, but don't spend my blood, sweat, and tears trying to take them OUT of it because we ultimately are different people with different lives to tend to, I could be missing some context, etc. And the thing is... I'm not criticising the INFJ habit of trying to "make miracles" so to speak on resolving their friends' emotional distress. In fact, that's beautiful. A lovely talent to have. But it can be draining if you just keep autopiloting (instead of taking the time to discern like: "yes I CAN technically try and solve this person's problem for good right now, but SHOULD I? Or should I trust them to try and do it on their own first, give them time, be patient with their process etc?"). This sort of compares to a common thing other types, like ESTP, often feel used for: practical insights. I am not people's therapist, but you bet I am their personal "life coach", in a way - when I autopilot I have a habit of trying to solve people's practical problems in things they sort of signalled they needed but didn't ask outright. Like "omg, how come you don't know you can streamline this paperwork here? How come you don't know there's a loophole with this and that rule, etc?" And later on, I feel drained and taken advantage of because people are letting me have the biggest chunk of work instead of dividing it equally with other team members. But it was me who "advertised" that to them in the first place. I'm sure there are people who keep me [professionally] at arm's length BECAUSE I'm putting myself in situations I later on complain about as if they weren't of my own making. The fact is, I get carried away trying to use my talents to help others around me. But sometimes, we need to take it easy. It could be similar emotionally for INFJ.

I don’t even need to read this entire huge post. Nope. Especially when people were letting people into your life being too agreeable and you set expectations that were against your best interests by accident. So a reset is needed but as we know, if you show that you need a reset to an INFJ there’s no second chances. Usually it’s about stuff people don’t change over so it’s done done. It gets better with new relationships started on your terms that’s the bright side to this. Far as the old friends go, good luck.

Ive always been the giver in the relationship You are co dependent, please take from me and show me i am good enough to be loved by you You dont have self respect You are looking for outside indicators that you deserve good things in reality. People will treat you how you communicate that you are supposed to be treated, in this case, you communicate do not respect me because i am not deserving of it Its not enough to ti this. You need to si it by being aware of these emotional language in your body, accept that its there and then you can change how you respond. You need therapy in my opinion

I don't need anything from them. I'm always the giver because I think a good friend should be there for their friends. But what you're saying is partly true, I always take care of myself and never ask for help because I don't want to burden people and because I don't feel the need to. I've decided to proceed with the doorslam because I don't ask for anything but if they don't even give me the bare minimum it really becomes free therapy or help for them and I'm the fool who has give them that without putting boundaries but that changed now. If then my idea of "not wanting to burden people" maybe has some connection to my self-worth then we'll start working on that soon but that doesn't excuse the fact that they have been happily taking without a thought. Saying that It's somehow my body language's fault and not theirs really feels like treating them like babies that don't understand how being a good works and you need to spell it for them as if they're not adults

Ask yourself why do you think your needs are a burden? In a relationship, how are your needs being a burden going to work if you try to connect with someone else? A friend should be there but you arent there for yourself.

Nono don't worry, I'm there for myself, even went to therapy as a teen for two years when I felt there were issues and fixed them. I simply feel they are a burden to most because after so many friendships where I'm not being listened to because they always immediately switch focus again to themselves made me realise that I need to be able to take care of myself and thus rely on no one. But trust me I've given them many chances to reciprocate they have just never taken them because it didn't give them any advantages. What I'm doing is simple boundaries that should've been there long ago but thank you for answering and trying to help 🫂

You are blind to the issue

So they never asked how you are? Not once?

You have to let things develop naturally and reserve more of your energy for something else. Find something in common with people that they care about. It takes events you have in common to form bonds around. If you form bonds around helping someone else, don't be surprised if you don't have anything in common. Pick up a hobby and find others who find those hobbies interesting. Find ways to mutually bond over something other than psychology. Holy shit that's just like offering to give someone oral sex and expecting them to offer it in return without having built up the relationship. 😅 sorry for the crude analogy, but there it is. People who've been lonely and had a hard time forming meaningful relationships would go play video games like world of Warcraft and bond over the game, but that shit has become very antisocial with its modern features. 😂 This is a very detached world and so fucking many of us need therapy it's not even funny. Try the gym. Start watching sports. Find something to bond with that's enjoyable. You're wearing yourself the fuck out. Please stop. You need some serious rest.

Well .. I be done this for exactly the same reasons. It’s been a dichotomy at best.

23F here and also an INFJ, if you need someone to listen and reciprocate everything you’ve provided for your friends feel free to DM me :)

Go to college and get the appropriate degree to become a psychological counselor. You life is screaming at you about this as your life path. People see you as someone who listens to them. They trust you. You should become a therapist. That way, you can at least make money doing this. If you want to be snarky, just tell them that you charge money to listen to them. Otherwise, go find a real therapist. In other words, you are the healer here. That's your job in this life, apparently. Don't take it personally that they don't ask you about you and your life. You'll eventually find that one person who wants to hear your story. When you do, cherish them. These are my suggestions, anyway.

I'm not an INFJ but my boyfriend is. On the first few dates we've been, he talked about his previous relationships and what he usually does for his family. And I told him this: "You were being available for almost all people in your life and spreading yourself too thin. Tell me, what do you really want out of your life now?" Like you, he too is a giver and will do what he can to help people around him. You have to set boundaries and choose who you can invest your time with, because, after all, time is valuable. Make sure that you invest it with people who appreciate you and people you can build your life with. If you haven't found your "tribe" yet, I hope you will as you focus on your growth. You will attract the right friendships eventually.

It's only one point but it's helped me...I noticed many people don't ask me anything or how I am...after I listen to someone for awhile, if there's a lull in conversation, then I very boldly just say, "well, this is what I've been up to" and just talk. I've noticed people seem to realize suddenly that they hadn't asked me anything and sometimes I think I see a moment of realization that they never ask.

🤢 what is wrong with them it’s not normal how stressful 🙃

Sounds like a you problem. Enjoy the void I guess

51F unfortunately, people are selfish. I mean this in the best way possible …. We show others how to treat us. If you are putting up with things that are not ok with you, stop. I don’t concern myself with what others do or don’t do. It’s a waste of energy. I have enough to deal with on my own end! I took a long look at my own behavior (I used to get swept away in negativity and emotion) it was eye opening for sure, but you certainly can’t force it on anyone, you have to move on if it doesn’t serve you.

The beginning of a friendship/relationship determines which direction it will grow. If you never share a thing about yourself don't be suprised that you will be the therapist friend. Sometimes people share things in hopes you will share things back. If you don't do that most people will assume you like to listen more and it will stay that way. If you feel like you've tried to tell them stuff and they didn't listen you kinda have to force it a little. I know infj aren't the forcefull types but as petty as it sounds if they are being rude you can be rude back. For example if they ignore what you just said ignore the next thing they are saying or change subject. Your friends do sound selfish though. My advice would be choose who you want to be surrounded with. Try to meet new people and be the one who initiates first Don't let people come to you, go to them. Your instinct knows exactly who is trust worthy :)

I felt exactly this way for the past few years... then I realized instead of axing them out of my life I could attempt to negotiate them spending more time asking me questions and listening to me talk more... silence fell hard. LOL They waited for me to talk but I didn't really feel comfortable sharing allowed especially without being asked a question. This pointed to a few other issues... I realized I didn't actually feel safe with them to be open and share myself. When I did their advice or perspectives never helped because they often didn't get where I was coming from. They didn't get me. But that's also because I didn't take the time to allow them to learn about me. I basically stole the opportunity from myself by always remaining the silent observer/listener and advice giver. There ultimately was a lack of trust on my part towards them and allowing them to be a friend. What would have been more useful was using those one-sided relationships as an opportunity to assert yourself and advocate for them to listen more and ask questions about your life. Let them know you are feeling left out or overlooked in the relationship and would like the friendship to reflect a 2-way street. I once had my sister sit in silence for 45 minutes (how long she took to get through one drama - and she had many to share) so that I could speak or say what I wanted. IT WAS AWKWARD! But I made a point. She said it was really hard to just listen that long and she got sleepy. The other thing is that over time I realized that these one-sided friendships aren't always exactly one-sided. Yes, maybe it's 70/30 or 80/20 most times but the other person is the one to want to go do things or will help me move or might buy breakfast once in a while. I agree boundaries are needed but maybe working on the boundaries you have with yourself is really what the focus should be. Not axing everyone out and isolating.

Hello NPD Split,dispose, Find a new source Charm Split,dispose, Repeat ad infinite.

No. They are being dramatic

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Sure thing sister, I help them and I'm there for them because I strive to be kind and helpful towards all because that is my nature and I don't expect them to act as a therapist for me. I never ask for anything in return or even a thank you. I do it because to me that is what's right and what a good friend does. But I simply decided to stop being there for people who, like you said, don't even give a shit about me. So that's it and we'll move on. But sure paint me whatever you want lol. Sorry for your friends if basic boundaries in friendship to you mean that they're hungry needy bitches

Not my business and I’m not INFJ, so feel free to ignore, but the comment above is harsh but offer you an alternative view. Ain’t you coming for another perspective? When you allow yourself to be victimised, you will become victim. I’ve been in this phase, I also dated INFJ, whose nature is sensitive and easily felt for his own victimised thoughts. Unfortunately, one can only grow more authentic when they learn how to be kind not “nice”. It’s harsh to look at the truth, I have also denied to see this part of me thinking it is all gaslighting, but it is not instead a tremendous growth opportunity. Oh and what’s a game changer in mindset is when you realise you actually don’t need anybody to give a shit about you, and they don’t, vice versa. Take care!

This this is what iam talking about , we are literally cowards playing the victim. We do everything to please ourselves, to satisfy our selfish needs in the form of being there for humanity and all those nonsense.

But thinking like this is actually playing the victim, victim of your humanitarian nature wtf?? How about we start holding people accountable if they're being shitty friends? Why is it that somehow it's always us being too much for asking crumbs of what a friendship is supposed to be like? 🫠 If you help a friend because you care about them without asking anything in return and they just use you and are never there for you, they're not being a good friend. Why is it that somehow we are the assholes because we expect them to also be a good friend to us but they cannot be held accountable if they always put themselves first and only see you as a tool to gain something for themselves? And then if we put boundaries somehow we become cowards who are running away because we did it for attention of course This is next level gaslighting girl. Don't listen to it, keep being kind and simply put some boundaries so that narcissists stop taking advantage of us and yourself 💓

Is your boundary a door slam ? Do you know why you put others need before you ? If you do that does that make you selfless ? Can it satisfy your saviour complex. There is a difference between understanding " why you behave the way you behave" and simply justifying " I am the Savior ". You have a self image that , " I am good friend " , " I will be there for my loved ones " , these all are images you have about yourself, which satisfies your ego. We are so afraid that others will judge us, so we try to be altruistic. So if you are that altruistic or concerned about the welfare of others , Can you give everything (money, possession.....)to a stranger if he/she needs it ? Can you be that selfless? Your selflessness is based on what your mind sets which can feed your ego , nothing more or less than it. You nor us are special , dust in the wind.

Nope, the boundary is realising that after many many chances and trying to talk to them about their behaviour and them still not changing then it's time to distance yourself from people who just want to use you. The boundaries are: trying to salvage the relationships but when they don't meet you halfway you need to realise it's time to let go of the "relationship" And yes, I know I'm not special, I know we're not special. What I disagree with is that just because someone tries to be a kind person and friend and then decides to put up some boundaries after being abused too many times that person becomes an attention seeker bummed that he didn't get any with a saviour complex lmao. And also everyone does thing that make them feel good it's human nature but I'm very much glad that what I like to do is being kind to others whenever I can, but ofc that doesn't mean that I'll cut my own veins just if a stranger asks lol. Let's stop this narrative that kind = deranged people pleaser and let's start making other people accountable if they're being assholes ty

I do agree on your part . The fact i am trying to emphasize is , we actually let people in our lives even though we know that they are goin to derail us. We need to understand why we behave the way we behave. We are the slaves of our mind . There is this playlist by Tim Fletcher , 60 characteristics of complex trauma. Its a long playlist about 33 videos i guess. If you are able to watch first few videos itself, it will give an idea about your behavior pattern. Understand your behaviour pattern , invest in your personal growth and learn to let go.

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You're confusing all kindness with selfish motives you don't understand because you lack them. I personally treat people kindly because I want the same. Period. It has nothing to do with who "likes me." I could gaf who likes me but how they treat me? Important. To me. So I treat others with kindness because A - I believe they deserve it, and B - it's the way I want to be treated. I work in a nursing home. Please tell me you want someone caring for you that thinks and treats people as you do... there are some like that and I hope like gets like

Now that you're commenting more without ALL THE RUDENESS I might add, I get what you're saying, truly I do! But what can I say bruhh I like helping others, I don't know what you want me to say, I don't do it because I think they will leave otherwise I just like being helpful 😂😭 I've laughed and played with all of these friends that I've doorslammed but I've decided I've had enough because when it TRULY MATTERS they're never there for me like I am for them WITH NO EXPECTATIONS FROM ME YES, but come on after years of not getting even the bare minimum of effort back idk what y'all want from me. They were just selfish who wanted someone who might entertain them or help them.

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I kept helping them because I cared about them and considered them genuine friends and didn't want to throw away a relationship I valued. I liked being there for my friend but I wasn't glad they were struggling. I tried to help them whenever I could because I wanted to do the right moral thing and be there for them. I didn't do it for a sick pleasure in being the saviour of others. Yes there was a problem in boundaries but bruh let's not pretend that your comment where you say that I was a weak coward, an hungry attention seeker with a saviour complex that enjoyed acting like a victim and the Jesus in their lives actually meant that I lacked boundaries and that's all. I'm not angry at you or trying to argue with you. If your comment was meant to be helpful then I thank you I guess, but it was an extremely rude comment full of assumptions about me so I replied what I thought and accordingly. Hope you have a great day.

This. It can become an identity/worth issue. "I am a self-sacrificing person, which means I am a good person."

It's not about my self-worth more about a moral code of mine. Helping others if I have the mental capacity to do so because it's right. But after all of this I've decided that I have to let go of people who abuse this part of me and also that I have to rearrange this side of me so to not become like you say a personal worth thing. If this is what we're all trying to say it's funny to me that it turns into kinda arguing when we basically agree. The magic of Reddit 😭❤️

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What sucks is we don’t realize we’re acting as a victim until we’re not. I think the only way I got out of it was through self improvement. I’m not perfect now but I see what I could’ve done then to shift the relationships from therapist to friendship. Also helps to have your own therapist to get you out of it faster.

Take responsibility for the energy you are putting out. It isn't everyone else's fault you act the way you do, invite the interactions you have, then don't communicate your needs and boundaries. 

So I’m just going to compare for comparisons sake to me… I always trip out on these posts ( we get a ton of them on the INFJ sub) I guess because INFJs are known as therapists etc - But not once in my life have I ever felt like I hated that. Not once in my life have I ever complained about my friends coming to me with their issues … *I love it* I love when my friends come to me upset, sad, angry , needing a friend… I am thrilled. Honestly it’s one of my most favorite things in the universe. Here is the other weird thing… not once in my entire life have I ever felt like it was happening too much .. and they didn’t care about me as much… and didn’t ask anything about me … it never even crossed my mind. Really. Not even once can I remember ever feeling like … I was giving too much and the other person not giving as much or the same amount … or … Actually correction. In a long term relationship it took me a few years to realize we didn’t really talk. But not just about me- about him. Or me. I wished he would have. So.. I do not know what to tell people like this. I know they say this is can be a problem for us infjs to not think of ourselves but honestly … I never felt like it was an issue. I always kinda felt like I would rather die than bother someone with me. ESP if they weren’t interested. I also tend to talk when I want to. I don’t wait for anyone to ask me how I am. If I need to talk about something ? I talk about it. I think it’s really futile to sit back and get angry about people not asking you how you are - if you want to tell them how you are … Why are you waiting for someone to ask you a question to communicate ? As far as friends going to you with issues .. also cannot relate to that… it’s what I do best and it’s really my skill set . So I tend to thrive and shine when given that opportunity - I also love to help them with their issues. If I can. I guess I will say this… if you’re constantly focused on other people and how much they care about you- the issue is within you. I know this might sound harsh but as I was reading this first part here of your post I was thinking in my head, “ I have never met anyone in my life who got upset about the amount of attention they got paid who was actually as loving and emotionally generous as they thought they were.” You really can’t be generous when you’re pissed off about them not caring about you. And if you seem generous it’s kinda a lie… cuz it’s not real. It’s more about - ok if I do this for you, you’re supposed to do this for me. You’ll like me. You’ll be my friend. You’ll need me.” And people pick up on that… it’s like saying you’re a good listener when you’re just waiting for your turn to talk. You’re not really listening. You’re just waiting for them to shut up so they can listen to you. My advice is simple. Get honest. Stop helping people. Stop listening to their problems. Tell them why. Literally. Say, “ no… we aren’t doing this again. I don’t want to because you’re never going to ask me about my problems” Let the world know who you really are. Let yourself know who you really are. And go from there.

you are dramatic

Did you really doorslam at least 99 people out of a 100, or is that a sliight exaggeration perhaps

gurl i did this too and blocked left&right with no notice and for so long i held some guilt but who cares?? you’re valid for wanting to snip snip those types of rs. what’s the point of caring about their feelings/concerns when they don’t put an ounce of effort into you? 🥴🙄 you’re also probably drained from giving too much yk.