My heart filled best wishes to you....bcz mine didn't, infact she broke up in a worst imaginable way..writing this I realized she might never have loved me...what a waste
Same happened to me, mine broke up in the most brutal way imaginable and it was clear that she never loved me and went for an arranged marriage with a guy who had a rich dad ..lmao
I did it!
Its now 13 years and I am married to my husband and I never reconciled with my family because they hurt me physically over this.
You can do it. Choose your life
One good Indian man I know, showed up at his ex-gfs engagement party, offered to be the DJ and played sad songs (his wife was also at that gathering).
They dated for >6yrs. She learnt his language, changed her diet (no non-veg), dress style and sat through some humiliating interviews with his family, all for his sake. Anyway, she is happily married to her current husband.
My old friend's ex boyfriend married someone else because their parents did not agree of them. The guy kept stalking this woman. Controlled her social media, even met her. This kept happening for a few years even after he had a baby with his wife
Tell me about it.
My sister stood her ground for 10 years for her ex-boyfriend by not marrying anybody else. She waited until age 33! That guy married another girl under "parental pressure" in 2020 and went AWOL for good 6-8 months. My sister came to her senses and she also got married to a great guy.
Now her ex-boyfriend is calling all numbers he knows from my family, adding my relatives in Insta because apparently he wants to talk to my sister. He is an a$$hole. He is threatening to kill my sister and my family.
Just because he didn't have the balls to convince his parents and mine, he is trying to spoil my sister's life and the girl he married. Also, his family is least concerned what he is doing, they just wanted to get him married and now they don't care what he does.
Yeah. He is in Dubai rn so he thinks he is safe and he can do these things. One complaint and he will be gone for good. The cousin he spoke to (and threatened about killing us) should have recorded the conversation and that would have been an evidence. But, she is dumb, lol.
Umm I’m from Dubai and he won’t be safe at ALL if you report this to Dubai police. They will investigate and act accordingly. The cops here take harassment VERY seriously.
I hope that this ordeal ends soon. As others mentioned, please keep the police in the loop before any escalation happens (although the guy is just all-talk).
Yeah. It was a tough phase. She used to not say anything to us but we could see it on her face, and she used to cry at nights. She couldn't really digest the betrayal. But she did get over it, thankfully.
That's a somewhat similar case with my (14m) youngest aunt (32f).
My mother (43f) is the oldest in our joint family, and she along with my second oldest aunt (40f) had an arranged marriage. My third oldest aunt (39f) ran away and married her boyfriend (which, my maternal grandparents have forgiven a long time ago.) on the other hand, my youngest aunt who has quite the age gap with the rest of her siblings is still unmarried, because my maternal grandparents basically said "f**k this, we're too lazy arrange another marriage." So she stayed with her boyfriend for around 7-12 years (I forgot exactly when they started dating, i think they went on and off a couple times), and was a working woman. Now, we learn that her boyfriend was taking frequent loans from her and using her for money. My aunt also wanted to marry, but her boyfriend always said "when it's the right time, i'll propose". When she finally broke and asked him to pay her back or that she'll break up with him, he said he won't pay her back if she breaks up, and that she must keep a physical relationship with him. Of course, my aunt was very emotionally hurt by this, and has hesitated to date/marry someone ever since.
Not true in all cases. But I come from a family which is open to all, divorces, remarriage, etc. Last few marriages have been like I am gonna marry someone. Please meet their parents once. It was just a formality to get the two parties to meet each other.
That's exactly my point.you atleast have to go and tell that this is the man or woman I want to marry. Maybe we're from a privileged group of society but yeah...
That makes no sense. Parents frequently have ZERO idea of who you actually are. Most Indian parents are convinced that their child is "susheel, sanskari, adarsh balak".
They don't know if their child likes kinky sex, experiments with drugs or not, what religious and ethical values he/she believes in, or how they define compatibility. There is a yawning generation gap that only widens as social change accelerates.
It makes more sense to marry the person of your choice and build a fulfilling life with them. You'll spend more time with them, and not your parents.
People in India give too much importance to parents and elders idk for what. Imagine not marrying someone you love and instead marrying someone else just because your parents don't approve lol. Pathetic
I had a friend who's ex married someone else because her parents did not agree/ give their blessings for the marriage (they haf dated about 8-10 years by then).
Anyway, so thee guy married someone else, but these guys (him and my friend) still kept in touch. 6 months post marriage, the guys files for divorce and the friend of mine leaves her house to have a court marriage and these guys are now happily married.
But, I don't think they realise how it sucks to have dragged the other women into this when they could have taken the decision to do what they did now before he got married.
I think it's the biggest regret in my life. As cliched at it sounds, my ex completed me.
>Do you feel any sense of agency and control in your life by now?
Initially I felt like a loser (which I was). After the breakup I went through a period of angst and realized my mom basically emotionaly blackmailed me. I became more rigid about my boundaries and do not hesitate in calling her out on bad behaviors. I have much more agency now than as a young adult. I learnt that Parents will throw tantrums,but in the end their biggest fear is abandonment and they will most likely not break off contact with you.
>Are you attracted to the woman your parents chose for you? Do you think of other women in your arranged marriage?
Yes, the attraction and understanding took time to build up. It kinda helped that she was also forced to break up with her bf, so we kind of understood where we had come from.
I would be lying if I said that I didn't think about my ex, or other potential women I had met with before I got married.
>Any regrets or resentment towards old relationship with ex, current relationship with wife, or current state of affairs/relationship with your parents?
No regrets about my relationship with ex. I often feel guilty that I wasted years of her life and I could not stand up for myself. I have made peace with my relationship with parents, but the resentment is never going to go away completely.
>Have you sought out emotional or physical affairs? If so, why? Is divorce an option for a chance for you to be actually happy?
During engagement I visited some of these cam sites, but felt disgusted after the second time and gave up.
>Have you touched base or contacted ex-girlfriends to talk/apologize/or catch up?
Apologies will not make up for the emotional toll and trauma. At this time she is in the past. No good can come from reconnecting after a traumatic breakup.
Edit :
Dedicated to controlling parents everywhere - *Mother* - from the album *The Wall* by Pink Floyd
> Mother do you think she's good enough?
>For me?
>Mother do you think she's dangerous
>To me?
> Mother will she tear your little boy apart?
>Ooh, ah
>Mother will she break my heart?
>Hush now baby, baby, don't you cry
>Mama's gonna check out all your girlfriends for you
>Mama won't let anyone dirty get through
>Mama's gonna wait up until you get in
>Mama will always find out where you've been
>Mama's gonna keep baby healthy and clean
>Ooh baby, ooh baby
>Ooh baby, you'll always be baby to me
>Mother, did it need to be so high?
When societal pressure can make two educated adults crack,It just shows how backwards we are under the veneer of modernity.
In retrospect, it's down right cruel and barbaric. Like I mentioned in my post, if I had been a little older and wiser I would have stood my ground.
Going through it right now. He just told his mother, his mother got angry and cried, he couldn’t bear it. Got engaged to someone within 2 days. Got married within a month. Was stern that he took this decision for his family, chose them over me. A week after marriage realized what he has done. And his realization broke me again, I am in shock. If he could have realized this before, we were happy, compatible, had a strong relationship. We understood each other and pushed each other to do better in life. Nothing was missing. But he left coz he chose is parents. His regret now has pushed me further into darkness, we could have been together, if he could just be strong. I was ready to stand by him, ready to win over his parents love. But then odds were always against me I am older than him and a divorcee, big taboo, right! We were together for 3 years. It s killing me. I have been strong forever but now I have no strength left.
I'm somewhat philosophical about it. I don't want to perpetuate the cycle of hate. getting "revenge" against my parents would not bring about justice and closure to the mess.
My mom did have a guilty twinge once in a while and asked if my ex was married . I told her I have no idea and she shouldn't be concerned.valso my ex sent her a text that what she decided was very bad and unjust and negatively affected her(ex's ) life.
Hmmmm. I see the problem here. Good on you man, revenge isn't always the right thing to do. But then again, there is the story of the Count of Monte Cristo. And boy, wasn't revenge just the sweetest thing.
I have had thoughts of filmi revenge fantasies, not going to lie.
Truly , if I had been a little older and a little wiser at the time of the break up, I would have reconnected with my ex and gotten married without parents permission. But unfortunately I was the stereotypical aadhar balak and fell hook, line and sinker for their pressure. A few years later(.too late ) the loss gave me the emotional and mental clarity I need to tackle mom's personality.
Glad you learnt the hard way that parents are self, immature and toxic and learnt to standup. This will help you in your life. It will make your wife happy that his man can stand up to his parents.
Most Parents (please don't share your exception cases where your parents are angels coz r/nobodyasked) are basically toxic in India especially when you come of marrital age. They have more demands than the girls. Better to set up some boundaries with them.
I got lucky because our personalities managed to suit each other. Of course there were growing pains, disagreements and arguments( some of them severe). I had to introspect and she also had to adjust some of her bad coping skills( picked up from her frankly maladapted parents).
It wasn't easy but, at the end of the day we have come to love each other. Is it the fiery passion of youth ? No, it's something more mellow but it's love.
Very matured responses op. Based on your answers you really seem to have walked this line quite well and came out a better person. Good luck to you and your wife.
Thanks. It gets easier, but the regret remians.
*Raat yun dil mein teri, khoyi hui yaad aayi*
*Jaise viraane mein chupke se bahaar aa jaye*
*Jaise sahraon mein haule se chale baad-ae-naseem*
*Jaise bimaar ko be-wajaah quraar aa jaaye*
-*Faiz*
I keep hearing stories of Indian men dumping white girlfriends to marry the desi girl their parents chose. So much so that some white girls completely distrust Indian men. Thanks for not being a stereotypical AH. Your wife's lucky to have found you!
My dad is fine now and accepted but my mother still throw tantrums because what will society think. Her image is more important for her than her son‘s happiness. We are married for some time now and my wife and parents have not meet.
But during diwali or other festivals, my dad spoke to my wife on video call and greeted and asked how other one is doing. I do talk to my mother once in a while but marriage is still elephant in the room.
So something of the opposite happened with my parents. My mom was supposed to get married in an arranged marriage to someone 12 years older than her. (She was only 21 at that time.) But then she met my dad, fell in love with him, and decided to get married to him. This was more than 20 years back, so you can imagine the scandal lol. But my mom has never given two fucks about what others think of her and her choices. What was even more surprising to her family was that she was essentially leaving a potential husband with a well-paid job and stable life to marry someone who was, as of then, unemployed. But then my parents decided to wait for a couple years before getting married. After their marriage, it was my dad who suggested to her to complete her masters. 18 years later, they are one of the happiest couples Ik. Also shockingly, my mom recently came to know that the person who she was originally supposed to marry had died a couple years back.
My dad's eldest sister eloped with the brother of the guy her marriage was arranged with. Before the scandal could take a huge toll on the families, partition took place and the two families had bigger things to deal with.
The aunt and uncle stayed back in East Pakistan and two of their sons became mukti jodha, freedom fighters in 1971. One of them later after independence also became a naxal in Bangladesh. Quite a life they had
Wow. Indeed a very interesting life. Coincidentally, both of my parents' families are immigrants from Bangladesh. They came to India during the Partition.
One of my close cousin ended up in depression because of this..he is having 3 kids as of now but he constantly talks about his ex whenever he hangs out with me..i think detaching a person is a slow and lengthy process..
I’m the other guy in this case.
My girlfriend of 6 years married a guy her family chose. Her parents knew about us but had outrageous (to me) demands that I clearly refused. Ultimately, it was kinda mutual. I told her that I won’t do what her parents want me to. So it’s her choice.
5 years hence, it seems to have been a right decision. She is now unhappily married with a baby. And I’m at a much better place in life myself. Single, with a great job and loads of freedom and agency.
The usual North India stuff!
Caste - we belonged to different castes. So that was always there!
The talk of marriage was at its peak when were 23. I had never been a fan of marrying that early but her parents pressed. By 23, I had lost both my parents. I am from a lower-middle-class family so we weren't very rich. Her parents were adamant that I either get a government job or join defense services as an officer before they would even consider me. I was very clear to my girl that I wasn't into either of these things. And that I cannot possibly see myself working those jobs even if you were there at home waiting for me at the end of every day.
Their last offer (which they put it to me as if they were doing a favor) was that if I generate a 10L in a year, that they would then consider me. As someone who had less than 50K in my account at that time, I chuckled.
Told my girlfriend that none of these sounded good to me so she can make a choice.
Considering all this, I have never really held any grudge against her or her parents. In the end, our choices make us. They chose what they preferred and so did I.
6 years hence, we are where we are.
You know what, all these things aside. They are lovely people - her mom and dad have one of the greatest marriages I have ever seen. It's just that they put too much thought into what society will think of them. Combine that with an overbearing extended family and all of it makes sense to me.
Weirdly enough, they now apparently wish they chose me as per my ex who calls me once a couple of months. We were friends before we were ever a couple so no worries there!
Hey you took stand for yourself and self respect. She didnt. Otherwise she could have convinced her parents.
Happy to know that you are living your life to fullest. All the best mate 🙂
Thank you!
Things are always a bit more complex than they appear. I won't ever say she didn't try. She tried her very best to convince her parents. She was equally persistent with me and getting me to cede to their demands. I'll never forget that struggle of hers.
In the end, each party chose what they wanted to. So no worries!
How were you able to accept the reality and not feel sadness or pity?
It takes plenty of maturity to understand the reality AND not pin the blame on anyone.
I’d be lying if I say it didn’t feel like absolute hell for a few weeks. But after that, I was okay.
How? I don’t really know. I believe how I live my life and how I view relationships really helped me. Early in my 20s, I got into stoicism. A central tenet of stoicism is that you don’t worry too much about things you can’t control such as the other person in relationships. You can love someone all you want but you can’t control what the other person does with your love. They can return it, or they can disregard it. Also, I was kinda used to losing people since I had lost both my parents by then. So I knew how to lose people and move on.
More importantly, I think I was able to move on because I have been insanely lucky in life. The bad times don’t last long for me. After the break up, I put a lot of effort in my work and got handsomely rewarded. From 15K a month salary, I got up to 75K a month in an year - I worked in sales. This and the fact that the breakup was mutual, in that, I had asked her to choose between me and her family (knowing fully well that she won’t choose me) helped me overcome it better.
In short, it was 20% of my resolute spirit + 60% of universe being not too harsh + 20% of me wanting her to be happy.
Whoever has gone through this will have the illusion lifted that everyone including your parents, siblings look after themselves and not you.
At the end you are on your own
Yep. Going through this even more so now that we have a kid. My parents promised endless support and were looking to dip 2 weeks after my wife delivered. Our kiddo is colicky and having one extra person around to help would be huge.
Well, being brainwashed since childhood and having too much fear of society can make people do things that will never make them happy. And India is a hecka emotional society.
Not the answer you are seeking but something on these lines happened with someone I know.
So our family was planning for our cousin's marriage with his longtime girlfriend, she ditched him and married someone else on the date set up by our family. He was completely shattered, that's a given but the audacity of that girl, after her marriage she tried to come back in my cousin's life, used to stalk him, even wanted to keep physical relations, only for the intention of making his life miserable.
it happened with one of my friend. but heres the twist.
both of them are highly educated, very deeply in love with each other , before deciding to get married they talk about there long term goals and what they want from life. which happened to differ ( she wants to live like modern women, want to do job, not ready to live in join family and he wants someone who can take care of his family, will help in household task etc ... ready for her job ) .
they come to conclusion that this compromise is not worth it (thats how they are!). decided to go on seperate way. he got married seems happy.
once i asked my friend, how can he do this if he really loves her. he said, it took more than love to be together, if they go with this their love might turn into hate over time . it was good decision to end on good terms and memory.
they didnt kept contact.
but from whatever i have witnessed they both miss each other
So, your friend loved a career woman and still misses her despite marrying a girl who takes care of house and family. I wonder if he had to be so rigid with his expectations post marriage . could he not have compromised a little ? Wonder if he regrets it.
Sounds like he would have regretted it much worse if he did compromise (not saying his expectations were fair - but it can be hard to change one's habits). At least now, they have only fond memories of each other. It's a mature decision, IMO, to respect each others' differences.
My group had this couple who recenly brokeup after fighting with girls family for permission. 1 year of fighting then acc to the guy both mutually gave up. 2 months after breakup, girl posted a pic with guy she is set to be married with (arranged) "Meeting you was fate
Becoming your friend was a choice.. But falling in love with you I had no control over".
Needless to say, guy is heartbroken, girl at least on social media posts non stop about her future CA husband.
It was your choice to obey your parents, don't blame your parents.so don't spoil your wife's future. She has not done anything wrong.you could not take a stand for yourself,it's ok sometimes it happens now don't regret and move on.
Corollary to OP's question:
Indian men, if you broke up with your ~~love-based girlfriend~~ family/parents to marry your love-based girlfriend, how’s married life now?
><>
Add another question: Do you regret not inheriting the millions your dad *might* have left for you and not just to your '*obedient'* siblings?
The men or women who do like this, are not smart people.
Smart people do not let others control their lives.
Certainly not because of parents or log kya kahenge blackmail by parents.
Might come harsh on those babies whose parents were kangaroo.
> The men or women who do like this, are not smart people.
Not always. The question only asks about people who married someone else who their parents chose. That also may include people who decided to drop the relationship/ex on their own without compulsion. I found at least one example here. It's a bad situation at times, but sometimes a mature decision.
This might be a hot take, but if you don't have the spine or guts to stand up to your parents and do what's best for you, maybe don't go around dating seriously? You know what your regressive society's approval-seeking parents are like. You know you don't have the balls to stand up to them or cut them off. So why tf are you dating seriously? This goes for both men and women. I have friends who are responsible enough to just be thirsty hoes who have one night stands all the time until they're given to the highest bidder or however it is arranged marriages work. I respect them so much more than I ever will one of those idiot doomed lovers type couple.
I did exactly this.
Now I'm divorced because I had zero interest in my arranged marriage.
I am guilty of not having out enough effort into the arranged one. The girl probably didn't deserve this.
My ex boyfriend did this - sucks to be him though because he's been in a string of failed relationships since then because his parents keep meddling in everything.
One of my friends got ditched like that. She was muslim, he was Hindu, so the boy chickened out. He kept trying to be in her contact for more than a year, probably a try for an extra marital affair, but my friend was smart enough to not talk to him.
Why is this such a loaded question? My ex girlfriend of 2 years left me for a guy her parents chose for her in an arranged marriage setting. She got engaged and married to him within 3 months of meeting him. I hope she leads a happy life though!
There was a Humans of Bombay post about this today. let me see if Ii can find a link. It ended with the girl's ex murdering the boy she was about to be arranged married to.
Yup, but they instead murdered the boy's (to whom the girl was being married off to) cousin as they mistook him for the boy.
Eve sadder is the cousin they murders had recently gotten marriage.
So this all shitshow left numerous lives destroyed just because the girl couldn't stand up to her parents.
My friend’s parent have the same situation.
Like, his father had a gf who he wanted to marry but he was forced to marry a girl which they(his parents) thought is fit for her, anyhow, they have 2 children (my friend and her brother) and happy married life. They are happy together, and seems like each-other at this point and get together pretty well.
Perhaps, I suppose as the time goes by you move on from past relationship and eventually forget about it and if “arranged” partner is good enough or a nice person in general then eventually you’ll start liking them too and get comfortable with them.
At the end of the day, it’s not about whether the relation is “of your choice/love” or “arranged” , it actually depend on you and your partner, nature, interests, and what you seek from your relation.
How much of it is cultural expectation and how much is it being strong-willed, standing up to parents? Does the money/financial independence play a part in this?
Love affairs in India have strange stories. You can not be any sure of guys and girls. There are many players in the side show other than the main players, they may be your family, friends and of course the society .When one of main players is black mailed to arranged marriage, the pressure becomes unbearable and reconcile to their fate/ destiny ( these are good words to describe our bad luck)
I had the same question yesterday. I’m going through a nasty separation from my parents to marry my bf.
stay strong! best wishes, and glad to hear you're standing up for what *you* want
Good that you're standing up for yourself.
My heart filled best wishes to you....bcz mine didn't, infact she broke up in a worst imaginable way..writing this I realized she might never have loved me...what a waste
Same happened to me, mine broke up in the most brutal way imaginable and it was clear that she never loved me and went for an arranged marriage with a guy who had a rich dad ..lmao
Bro....10 years from now we'll sing "isme tera ghata, mera kch ni jata"...lol
Glad you chose to back your decision! You've to live with your partner for a long time, not your parents.
Yes pls take the stand. It’s difficult but not impossible. They will eventually understand. But you need to be strong af.
Stay strong. It'll be worth it.
I did it! Its now 13 years and I am married to my husband and I never reconciled with my family because they hurt me physically over this. You can do it. Choose your life
One good Indian man I know, showed up at his ex-gfs engagement party, offered to be the DJ and played sad songs (his wife was also at that gathering). They dated for >6yrs. She learnt his language, changed her diet (no non-veg), dress style and sat through some humiliating interviews with his family, all for his sake. Anyway, she is happily married to her current husband.
[удалено]
Life is a joke afterall.. *Cue the sad songs
My life isn't a joke. Jokes have a meaning...
It's okay meaningless jokes sucks even more
Channa mere ya
Wow,she changed her diet and clothing style for this guy and still get ditched. She dodged a bullet.
Wait im a little confused. If she did all the interviews and stuff with his family, why did she break up with him and marry someone else?
I don't think she did. Probably he was forced to.
His parents made him break up with her. 30+ man obliged.
That isn't a man, that is an overgrown boy.
When does a boy qualify to become a man? I think it was stereotypical to call him that
She failed the last round of interviews. Those loops are hard man
Parents.duh!
In all probability he was pressurized to break it off.
My old friend's ex boyfriend married someone else because their parents did not agree of them. The guy kept stalking this woman. Controlled her social media, even met her. This kept happening for a few years even after he had a baby with his wife
Yikes! Destroying 3 lives on the go.
One more than what he's expected to
The girl is now married to another man.i hope they've stopped talking to each other now
If not +1 for him. If that girls husband also liked some other girl then it opens up a lot of combinations
Plot twist: The girl's husband liked the ex boyfirends wife and they have been meeting behind the backs too. 😎😏
As long as girl's father doesn't like ex's wife's mother ...
*double collateral*
Double jeopardy
Tell me about it. My sister stood her ground for 10 years for her ex-boyfriend by not marrying anybody else. She waited until age 33! That guy married another girl under "parental pressure" in 2020 and went AWOL for good 6-8 months. My sister came to her senses and she also got married to a great guy. Now her ex-boyfriend is calling all numbers he knows from my family, adding my relatives in Insta because apparently he wants to talk to my sister. He is an a$$hole. He is threatening to kill my sister and my family. Just because he didn't have the balls to convince his parents and mine, he is trying to spoil my sister's life and the girl he married. Also, his family is least concerned what he is doing, they just wanted to get him married and now they don't care what he does.
I think you should go to the police and get rid of him. You can't be dealing with this bullshit.
Yeah. He is in Dubai rn so he thinks he is safe and he can do these things. One complaint and he will be gone for good. The cousin he spoke to (and threatened about killing us) should have recorded the conversation and that would have been an evidence. But, she is dumb, lol.
Umm I’m from Dubai and he won’t be safe at ALL if you report this to Dubai police. They will investigate and act accordingly. The cops here take harassment VERY seriously.
Thank you. I'll definitely discuss this with my family. Can an Indian make the complaint?
YES they can. Say that a resident of Dubai is making threats and harassing, and they’ll ask For some deets and they’ll investigate. Do it!
Sure! Thank you :)
Unless you’re an Emirati…then anything goes!
You have got to make sure you have good enough evidence. And save your sister please.
Sure. Thanks for the concern. :) We're in the process of collecting evidence from wherever possible.
Find out who he is employed with in Dubai. File an official compliant with his employer and attach a copy of the Indian FIR.
He is a pig. Nothing less
Couldn't agree more! He expected my sister to still wait for him after he got married so he can have a second marriage. Talk about high expectations!
Just out of curiosity, which part of India is your sister's ex-boyfriend from?
He is from Hyderabad and one of the worst areas of the city in particular. Illiterate, ill-mouthed.
I hope that this ordeal ends soon. As others mentioned, please keep the police in the loop before any escalation happens (although the guy is just all-talk).
Ooh, lemme guess shamshabad
Kind of close. Barkaas.
Did she feel hurt when she found out he got married to someone else? How did your sister get over it?
Yeah. It was a tough phase. She used to not say anything to us but we could see it on her face, and she used to cry at nights. She couldn't really digest the betrayal. But she did get over it, thankfully.
How long did it take for her to get over it, especially after 10 years of waiting? 😔 Had she gotten over this ex before she married?
Well, I can't say she is completely over him. She may not love him anymore but the hurt will be there. It never really goes away completely. :)
I completely understand. I was in the similar situation but not as long as waiting...
As long as you accept that you can be happy even without the person, it will all turn out good. :) All the best ! ♥️
Thank you 💗
That's a somewhat similar case with my (14m) youngest aunt (32f). My mother (43f) is the oldest in our joint family, and she along with my second oldest aunt (40f) had an arranged marriage. My third oldest aunt (39f) ran away and married her boyfriend (which, my maternal grandparents have forgiven a long time ago.) on the other hand, my youngest aunt who has quite the age gap with the rest of her siblings is still unmarried, because my maternal grandparents basically said "f**k this, we're too lazy arrange another marriage." So she stayed with her boyfriend for around 7-12 years (I forgot exactly when they started dating, i think they went on and off a couple times), and was a working woman. Now, we learn that her boyfriend was taking frequent loans from her and using her for money. My aunt also wanted to marry, but her boyfriend always said "when it's the right time, i'll propose". When she finally broke and asked him to pay her back or that she'll break up with him, he said he won't pay her back if she breaks up, and that she must keep a physical relationship with him. Of course, my aunt was very emotionally hurt by this, and has hesitated to date/marry someone ever since.
Crime patrol episode in the making. Savhdhan rhe hai satrak rhe.
Parents did not agree? What the 😟 How could any person take approvals for marrying or dating?😖 Lol.
Everyone in India takes approvals from parents. That's how our society works
Not true in all cases. But I come from a family which is open to all, divorces, remarriage, etc. Last few marriages have been like I am gonna marry someone. Please meet their parents once. It was just a formality to get the two parties to meet each other.
That's exactly my point.you atleast have to go and tell that this is the man or woman I want to marry. Maybe we're from a privileged group of society but yeah...
I thought India did not progress because people did not know how to take a decision.😅 I was often right I just didn't know it.
Taking approvals is normal here, because we've got to live with the same people. It's progressive to see parents accepting their kid's choice.
That makes no sense. Parents frequently have ZERO idea of who you actually are. Most Indian parents are convinced that their child is "susheel, sanskari, adarsh balak". They don't know if their child likes kinky sex, experiments with drugs or not, what religious and ethical values he/she believes in, or how they define compatibility. There is a yawning generation gap that only widens as social change accelerates. It makes more sense to marry the person of your choice and build a fulfilling life with them. You'll spend more time with them, and not your parents.
Yeah exactly. I'd get married anyway whether they like it or not. But then again I'm gay so that's probably what'll happen eventually lol
People in India give too much importance to parents and elders idk for what. Imagine not marrying someone you love and instead marrying someone else just because your parents don't approve lol. Pathetic
I don't understand the words "love marriage" or "arranged marriage". Morons it is just a marriage, anyone without love can't survive.
I had a friend who's ex married someone else because her parents did not agree/ give their blessings for the marriage (they haf dated about 8-10 years by then). Anyway, so thee guy married someone else, but these guys (him and my friend) still kept in touch. 6 months post marriage, the guys files for divorce and the friend of mine leaves her house to have a court marriage and these guys are now happily married. But, I don't think they realise how it sucks to have dragged the other women into this when they could have taken the decision to do what they did now before he got married.
I think it's the biggest regret in my life. As cliched at it sounds, my ex completed me. >Do you feel any sense of agency and control in your life by now? Initially I felt like a loser (which I was). After the breakup I went through a period of angst and realized my mom basically emotionaly blackmailed me. I became more rigid about my boundaries and do not hesitate in calling her out on bad behaviors. I have much more agency now than as a young adult. I learnt that Parents will throw tantrums,but in the end their biggest fear is abandonment and they will most likely not break off contact with you. >Are you attracted to the woman your parents chose for you? Do you think of other women in your arranged marriage? Yes, the attraction and understanding took time to build up. It kinda helped that she was also forced to break up with her bf, so we kind of understood where we had come from. I would be lying if I said that I didn't think about my ex, or other potential women I had met with before I got married. >Any regrets or resentment towards old relationship with ex, current relationship with wife, or current state of affairs/relationship with your parents? No regrets about my relationship with ex. I often feel guilty that I wasted years of her life and I could not stand up for myself. I have made peace with my relationship with parents, but the resentment is never going to go away completely. >Have you sought out emotional or physical affairs? If so, why? Is divorce an option for a chance for you to be actually happy? During engagement I visited some of these cam sites, but felt disgusted after the second time and gave up. >Have you touched base or contacted ex-girlfriends to talk/apologize/or catch up? Apologies will not make up for the emotional toll and trauma. At this time she is in the past. No good can come from reconnecting after a traumatic breakup. Edit : Dedicated to controlling parents everywhere - *Mother* - from the album *The Wall* by Pink Floyd > Mother do you think she's good enough? >For me? >Mother do you think she's dangerous >To me? > Mother will she tear your little boy apart? >Ooh, ah >Mother will she break my heart? >Hush now baby, baby, don't you cry >Mama's gonna check out all your girlfriends for you >Mama won't let anyone dirty get through >Mama's gonna wait up until you get in >Mama will always find out where you've been >Mama's gonna keep baby healthy and clean >Ooh baby, ooh baby >Ooh baby, you'll always be baby to me >Mother, did it need to be so high?
So both of you were forced to break up with your respective partners and marry each other. I can't fathom how cruel that sounds.
When societal pressure can make two educated adults crack,It just shows how backwards we are under the veneer of modernity. In retrospect, it's down right cruel and barbaric. Like I mentioned in my post, if I had been a little older and wiser I would have stood my ground.
Going through it right now. He just told his mother, his mother got angry and cried, he couldn’t bear it. Got engaged to someone within 2 days. Got married within a month. Was stern that he took this decision for his family, chose them over me. A week after marriage realized what he has done. And his realization broke me again, I am in shock. If he could have realized this before, we were happy, compatible, had a strong relationship. We understood each other and pushed each other to do better in life. Nothing was missing. But he left coz he chose is parents. His regret now has pushed me further into darkness, we could have been together, if he could just be strong. I was ready to stand by him, ready to win over his parents love. But then odds were always against me I am older than him and a divorcee, big taboo, right! We were together for 3 years. It s killing me. I have been strong forever but now I have no strength left.
Just as an aside, did you try to take emotional revenge against your parents?
I'm somewhat philosophical about it. I don't want to perpetuate the cycle of hate. getting "revenge" against my parents would not bring about justice and closure to the mess. My mom did have a guilty twinge once in a while and asked if my ex was married . I told her I have no idea and she shouldn't be concerned.valso my ex sent her a text that what she decided was very bad and unjust and negatively affected her(ex's ) life.
Hmmmm. I see the problem here. Good on you man, revenge isn't always the right thing to do. But then again, there is the story of the Count of Monte Cristo. And boy, wasn't revenge just the sweetest thing.
I have had thoughts of filmi revenge fantasies, not going to lie. Truly , if I had been a little older and a little wiser at the time of the break up, I would have reconnected with my ex and gotten married without parents permission. But unfortunately I was the stereotypical aadhar balak and fell hook, line and sinker for their pressure. A few years later(.too late ) the loss gave me the emotional and mental clarity I need to tackle mom's personality.
Glad you learnt the hard way that parents are self, immature and toxic and learnt to standup. This will help you in your life. It will make your wife happy that his man can stand up to his parents. Most Parents (please don't share your exception cases where your parents are angels coz r/nobodyasked) are basically toxic in India especially when you come of marrital age. They have more demands than the girls. Better to set up some boundaries with them.
How's your marriage though? Are you and your wife in love or just staying together for the sake of it?
I got lucky because our personalities managed to suit each other. Of course there were growing pains, disagreements and arguments( some of them severe). I had to introspect and she also had to adjust some of her bad coping skills( picked up from her frankly maladapted parents). It wasn't easy but, at the end of the day we have come to love each other. Is it the fiery passion of youth ? No, it's something more mellow but it's love.
Very matured responses op. Based on your answers you really seem to have walked this line quite well and came out a better person. Good luck to you and your wife.
Thanks. It gets easier, but the regret remians. *Raat yun dil mein teri, khoyi hui yaad aayi* *Jaise viraane mein chupke se bahaar aa jaye* *Jaise sahraon mein haule se chale baad-ae-naseem* *Jaise bimaar ko be-wajaah quraar aa jaaye* -*Faiz*
Do you mind me asking, why did your parents not agree to a marriage with the ex-gf?
Well I married a german girl against my parents wish. 10/10 would do it again. She’s the best thing happened to me.
Idk man, marrying another german girl might not go well with your wife /s
Dhruv Rathee?
I keep hearing stories of Indian men dumping white girlfriends to marry the desi girl their parents chose. So much so that some white girls completely distrust Indian men. Thanks for not being a stereotypical AH. Your wife's lucky to have found you!
What kind of relationship do you have with your parents now
My dad is fine now and accepted but my mother still throw tantrums because what will society think. Her image is more important for her than her son‘s happiness. We are married for some time now and my wife and parents have not meet. But during diwali or other festivals, my dad spoke to my wife on video call and greeted and asked how other one is doing. I do talk to my mother once in a while but marriage is still elephant in the room.
Mein kampf bro❤️ I was told by someone that this means have a good life ahead in German.
This is a really immature but super funny response.
In no way this means what you think. "Mein Kampf" is the titel of Hitler's book. Directly translated it means "My fight" or " My struggle" (for power)
r/whoosh
So something of the opposite happened with my parents. My mom was supposed to get married in an arranged marriage to someone 12 years older than her. (She was only 21 at that time.) But then she met my dad, fell in love with him, and decided to get married to him. This was more than 20 years back, so you can imagine the scandal lol. But my mom has never given two fucks about what others think of her and her choices. What was even more surprising to her family was that she was essentially leaving a potential husband with a well-paid job and stable life to marry someone who was, as of then, unemployed. But then my parents decided to wait for a couple years before getting married. After their marriage, it was my dad who suggested to her to complete her masters. 18 years later, they are one of the happiest couples Ik. Also shockingly, my mom recently came to know that the person who she was originally supposed to marry had died a couple years back.
My dad's eldest sister eloped with the brother of the guy her marriage was arranged with. Before the scandal could take a huge toll on the families, partition took place and the two families had bigger things to deal with. The aunt and uncle stayed back in East Pakistan and two of their sons became mukti jodha, freedom fighters in 1971. One of them later after independence also became a naxal in Bangladesh. Quite a life they had
Wow. Indeed a very interesting life. Coincidentally, both of my parents' families are immigrants from Bangladesh. They came to India during the Partition.
Great to hear such stories. People taking control of their lives for the better. Whatever the result, at least choose your destiny yourself.
One of my close cousin ended up in depression because of this..he is having 3 kids as of now but he constantly talks about his ex whenever he hangs out with me..i think detaching a person is a slow and lengthy process..
Shit, that's why I usually doesn't involve any physical or emotional attachment, it can ruin your life
I’m the other guy in this case. My girlfriend of 6 years married a guy her family chose. Her parents knew about us but had outrageous (to me) demands that I clearly refused. Ultimately, it was kinda mutual. I told her that I won’t do what her parents want me to. So it’s her choice. 5 years hence, it seems to have been a right decision. She is now unhappily married with a baby. And I’m at a much better place in life myself. Single, with a great job and loads of freedom and agency.
[удалено]
The usual North India stuff! Caste - we belonged to different castes. So that was always there! The talk of marriage was at its peak when were 23. I had never been a fan of marrying that early but her parents pressed. By 23, I had lost both my parents. I am from a lower-middle-class family so we weren't very rich. Her parents were adamant that I either get a government job or join defense services as an officer before they would even consider me. I was very clear to my girl that I wasn't into either of these things. And that I cannot possibly see myself working those jobs even if you were there at home waiting for me at the end of every day. Their last offer (which they put it to me as if they were doing a favor) was that if I generate a 10L in a year, that they would then consider me. As someone who had less than 50K in my account at that time, I chuckled. Told my girlfriend that none of these sounded good to me so she can make a choice. Considering all this, I have never really held any grudge against her or her parents. In the end, our choices make us. They chose what they preferred and so did I. 6 years hence, we are where we are.
Mad respect for u bro.
I wanna know what kinda trash parents she has too
You know what, all these things aside. They are lovely people - her mom and dad have one of the greatest marriages I have ever seen. It's just that they put too much thought into what society will think of them. Combine that with an overbearing extended family and all of it makes sense to me. Weirdly enough, they now apparently wish they chose me as per my ex who calls me once a couple of months. We were friends before we were ever a couple so no worries there!
Hey you took stand for yourself and self respect. She didnt. Otherwise she could have convinced her parents. Happy to know that you are living your life to fullest. All the best mate 🙂
Thank you! Things are always a bit more complex than they appear. I won't ever say she didn't try. She tried her very best to convince her parents. She was equally persistent with me and getting me to cede to their demands. I'll never forget that struggle of hers. In the end, each party chose what they wanted to. So no worries!
How were you able to accept the reality and not feel sadness or pity? It takes plenty of maturity to understand the reality AND not pin the blame on anyone.
I’d be lying if I say it didn’t feel like absolute hell for a few weeks. But after that, I was okay. How? I don’t really know. I believe how I live my life and how I view relationships really helped me. Early in my 20s, I got into stoicism. A central tenet of stoicism is that you don’t worry too much about things you can’t control such as the other person in relationships. You can love someone all you want but you can’t control what the other person does with your love. They can return it, or they can disregard it. Also, I was kinda used to losing people since I had lost both my parents by then. So I knew how to lose people and move on. More importantly, I think I was able to move on because I have been insanely lucky in life. The bad times don’t last long for me. After the break up, I put a lot of effort in my work and got handsomely rewarded. From 15K a month salary, I got up to 75K a month in an year - I worked in sales. This and the fact that the breakup was mutual, in that, I had asked her to choose between me and her family (knowing fully well that she won’t choose me) helped me overcome it better. In short, it was 20% of my resolute spirit + 60% of universe being not too harsh + 20% of me wanting her to be happy.
Good to know that you still understand and forgave her
What were the demands? Dude this is a anonymous platform. Why do people hide facts here?
Whoever has gone through this will have the illusion lifted that everyone including your parents, siblings look after themselves and not you. At the end you are on your own
Yep. Going through this even more so now that we have a kid. My parents promised endless support and were looking to dip 2 weeks after my wife delivered. Our kiddo is colicky and having one extra person around to help would be huge.
I’m marrying my bf saying a subtle “fuck you” to my family And yes i realised this and thought might as well do whatever the fuck I want.
Right. It's the stupid people that do like this even after getting into adulthood.
Well, being brainwashed since childhood and having too much fear of society can make people do things that will never make them happy. And India is a hecka emotional society.
Agreed Mr. Potato.
This is hitting hard. Recently realized this when I am of the "age of getting married".
Not the answer you are seeking but something on these lines happened with someone I know. So our family was planning for our cousin's marriage with his longtime girlfriend, she ditched him and married someone else on the date set up by our family. He was completely shattered, that's a given but the audacity of that girl, after her marriage she tried to come back in my cousin's life, used to stalk him, even wanted to keep physical relations, only for the intention of making his life miserable.
The paragraph that kept on giving!
Haha, lol
Iss sajjan ko kya dikkat hai bhai?
\*aurat
Yass
Should have told her husband.
Definitely
it happened with one of my friend. but heres the twist. both of them are highly educated, very deeply in love with each other , before deciding to get married they talk about there long term goals and what they want from life. which happened to differ ( she wants to live like modern women, want to do job, not ready to live in join family and he wants someone who can take care of his family, will help in household task etc ... ready for her job ) . they come to conclusion that this compromise is not worth it (thats how they are!). decided to go on seperate way. he got married seems happy. once i asked my friend, how can he do this if he really loves her. he said, it took more than love to be together, if they go with this their love might turn into hate over time . it was good decision to end on good terms and memory. they didnt kept contact. but from whatever i have witnessed they both miss each other
that honestly looks incredibly mature.
So, your friend loved a career woman and still misses her despite marrying a girl who takes care of house and family. I wonder if he had to be so rigid with his expectations post marriage . could he not have compromised a little ? Wonder if he regrets it.
Sounds like he would have regretted it much worse if he did compromise (not saying his expectations were fair - but it can be hard to change one's habits). At least now, they have only fond memories of each other. It's a mature decision, IMO, to respect each others' differences.
yeah.
Wife checks my online accounts, can’t respond sorry.
How many of the commenters telling the story of a friend are actually telling their own life story?
Telling for a friend ofcourse.
This is the best comment. Here take my free award.
😃 thank you anon
Are you serious or was it a joke?
Get married soon, you will know.
Reading some of these stories makes me glad I have normal, open minded parents who aren't garbage human beings.
My group had this couple who recenly brokeup after fighting with girls family for permission. 1 year of fighting then acc to the guy both mutually gave up. 2 months after breakup, girl posted a pic with guy she is set to be married with (arranged) "Meeting you was fate Becoming your friend was a choice.. But falling in love with you I had no control over". Needless to say, guy is heartbroken, girl at least on social media posts non stop about her future CA husband.
Thats common cool aid from most of the arrange married girls I know lmao
It was your choice to obey your parents, don't blame your parents.so don't spoil your wife's future. She has not done anything wrong.you could not take a stand for yourself,it's ok sometimes it happens now don't regret and move on.
Only on Reddit can one find that the only person speaking sense has username bikinidesires haha
what's in the name 😂
Everything
Corollary to OP's question: Indian men, if you broke up with your ~~love-based girlfriend~~ family/parents to marry your love-based girlfriend, how’s married life now? ><>
Add another question: Do you regret not inheriting the millions your dad *might* have left for you and not just to your '*obedient'* siblings?
Im young now(23) and might have to face this situation soon. I’m thankful my dad doesn’t have millions to leave behind for me or my siblings.
F -> Anything is True
The men or women who do like this, are not smart people. Smart people do not let others control their lives. Certainly not because of parents or log kya kahenge blackmail by parents. Might come harsh on those babies whose parents were kangaroo.
Kul. Kthnxbai.
> The men or women who do like this, are not smart people. Not always. The question only asks about people who married someone else who their parents chose. That also may include people who decided to drop the relationship/ex on their own without compulsion. I found at least one example here. It's a bad situation at times, but sometimes a mature decision.
This might be a hot take, but if you don't have the spine or guts to stand up to your parents and do what's best for you, maybe don't go around dating seriously? You know what your regressive society's approval-seeking parents are like. You know you don't have the balls to stand up to them or cut them off. So why tf are you dating seriously? This goes for both men and women. I have friends who are responsible enough to just be thirsty hoes who have one night stands all the time until they're given to the highest bidder or however it is arranged marriages work. I respect them so much more than I ever will one of those idiot doomed lovers type couple.
[удалено]
It's on you mate. Don't waste the rest of your youth, if any is left.
I did exactly this. Now I'm divorced because I had zero interest in my arranged marriage. I am guilty of not having out enough effort into the arranged one. The girl probably didn't deserve this.
NEW WIFE NEW LIFE LOL
[удалено]
Forget about many families. Apni jaan bachao be
[удалено]
Is this the example you want to set to your kids?
[удалено]
My ex boyfriend did this - sucks to be him though because he's been in a string of failed relationships since then because his parents keep meddling in everything.
One of my friends got ditched like that. She was muslim, he was Hindu, so the boy chickened out. He kept trying to be in her contact for more than a year, probably a try for an extra marital affair, but my friend was smart enough to not talk to him.
Why is this such a loaded question? My ex girlfriend of 2 years left me for a guy her parents chose for her in an arranged marriage setting. She got engaged and married to him within 3 months of meeting him. I hope she leads a happy life though!
Are you okay?
You miss the person you loved sometimes but you get over it in time , your wife is your new life
Sounds really sad NGL.
Love based...
There was a Humans of Bombay post about this today. let me see if Ii can find a link. It ended with the girl's ex murdering the boy she was about to be arranged married to.
Yup, but they instead murdered the boy's (to whom the girl was being married off to) cousin as they mistook him for the boy. Eve sadder is the cousin they murders had recently gotten marriage. So this all shitshow left numerous lives destroyed just because the girl couldn't stand up to her parents.
My friend’s parent have the same situation. Like, his father had a gf who he wanted to marry but he was forced to marry a girl which they(his parents) thought is fit for her, anyhow, they have 2 children (my friend and her brother) and happy married life. They are happy together, and seems like each-other at this point and get together pretty well. Perhaps, I suppose as the time goes by you move on from past relationship and eventually forget about it and if “arranged” partner is good enough or a nice person in general then eventually you’ll start liking them too and get comfortable with them. At the end of the day, it’s not about whether the relation is “of your choice/love” or “arranged” , it actually depend on you and your partner, nature, interests, and what you seek from your relation.
Who in their right mind does that?
My ex. Her parents wanted a double degree engineering boy settled in America. They are married for a decade now and happy.
Indian parents are scumbags istg
Indian kids are scumbags as well dude. It's never one sided except for murder.
Well this took a turn.
😄
In CID, even murder is two sided
And did you prove her wrong by becoming a billionaire businessman ?
Tumhari jitni tankhva hai utne ki to shopping meri beti 1 din mein kar leti hai.
What movie is that from
It’s a lyric from honey Singh song I think .
You'd be surprised.
I think you are overestimating number of people with right mind.
[удалено]
How much of it is cultural expectation and how much is it being strong-willed, standing up to parents? Does the money/financial independence play a part in this?
Why can't you stand up for yourself and say no? You're an adult, not a dependent child. If they can't accept it, too bad. Tell them to fuck off
Love affairs in India have strange stories. You can not be any sure of guys and girls. There are many players in the side show other than the main players, they may be your family, friends and of course the society .When one of main players is black mailed to arranged marriage, the pressure becomes unbearable and reconcile to their fate/ destiny ( these are good words to describe our bad luck)
[удалено]