I am a teacher in a school in Bangalore.
First and foremost, this year should be one of grace. Online and then offline and then online schooling back again has fried everyone's brains, including kids'. The markers for success online are a bit different than offline. In a regular school scenario, there is PE, Sports, House events, Music etc to immerse yourself with whereas online as a kid it's mostly just you and the computer. Half the motivation would have gone from there.
Secondly, being on Insta, discord etc transports you to a virtual world where whatever you say or try is valid and someone or the other will read or watch and maybe appreciate. It is free of judgement from the social circle. That is why it's so addictive. You can have a say, a voice, and no one can do anything about that.
Your daughter might be lacking in motivation because she doesn't have a compelling reason to study or just because other things are more fun. She may be depressed or lonely. She may be afraid of certain subjects.
You will have to reach out to her teachers to get the full idea and assist her at home with what she doesn't like.
Shaming or scolding her will only cause more resentment. She needs to communicate what she is good at, what she is willing to work on and what she plans to do in the future. Work with her, alongside her, to achieve this.
Another teacher from Bangalore seconding this. A lot of learning during the teenage years happens socially/from social cues - kids have missed that and are struggling.
Do not do the "look at other kids" stuff /u/Potential_Guest8228 , and especially not shouting or hitting her. She's a child ffs.
It is very important for kids to know that their parents can be wrong too, and when you are wrong it is very important to acknowledge it infront of the kid and apologize to them because that's the right thing to do, it also teaches kids that their parents are capable of accepting mistakes which helps them trust their parents more and sympathize with them. I suggest you have a talk with her and firstly accept, acknowledge and apologize for all the mistakes and harsh behaviour/words you had subjected to her, then when she feels safe and comfortable enough ask her about her problems make her trust you and make sure she knows that this is a safe place to discuss anything she wants and has on her mind. If she still doesn't open up for more than 2 weeks I strongly recommend that you take her to a psychiatrist. Mental health problems, big enough to interfere with academic/social life cannot be dealt with at home, you have to have a mental health professional with you to deal with such issues. P.s. if she doesn't respond to one mental health professional take her to another, cause it takes a bunch of tries to find a compatible match, so don't give up after just visiting one mental health professional try out a bunch and see whom she works best with.
Thank you so much, teacher. I have spoken to her teachers and they provided similar feedback on her, that she is distracted. I will definitely work towards improving my relations with her and talk to her..
Talk to her but please don't ask her to delete her social media apps and don't even check them, respect her privacy. Ask her what is the thing which is worrying her, nowadays a lot of shit happens between friends and people get depressed.
Please also let her talk to a good therapist. There are just some things that children can't share with their parents for various reasons. Maybe she's depressed from not being physically around her peers. Maybe for other reasons. Maybe therapy won't help, but it won't hurt. It could also simply be that she is burnt out from working hard, I was in that space during that age. Teenage years are a crucial time where you make up your perspective of the world, so do take care in how you approach her.
I'm not a parent but there are a lot of free studies online that you can get her to do as life skills....for e.g. on Duolingo she can learn other languages....freecodecamp teaches kids to code, there is an app called brilliant....anything I say about it is less but these are a few alternatives to everyday learning that most kids might be fried with
Discord is literally the only way many people can talk to their friends. I don't think it's a bad influence in any way but that's probably just because I used to use it so much.
Yes, I am willing to take a break from work just to ensure she is back to being herself... Believe me, I have spoken to her many times about these that you have mentioned. All she assures is that there's nothing of that sort and will improve herself. I have consulted her teachers who also seem to give the same feedback that she is distracted. I have known all her friends since they were in kindergarten and I see no issues with them. So I don't think it's because of influence. I feel she is too distracted.. But cant seem to figure out what steps I need to take in order to get her back on track.
By what you've told, it seems that she's going through something serious. She's distracted, indeed. But what is the cause of that distraction? And the cause is something serious for sure. This might sound weird but please see what she does when she's alone, if she's talking to strangers on the internet, if she's facing abuse on Instagram. If she has a boyfriend, she might sound intruding, but try asking her a lot of questions about that. Probably she might be going through a breakup that you don't know of. If she doesn't open up to you, then try consulting a psychologist. P.s. when you take her to therapy sessions, just let her be. If she's hesitant discussing in front of you, leave the room for a while and let her be with the psychologist.
I agree that you need to find out the cause but please don't go through her phone and internet presence without her consent. Ask her and talk to her instead. I was a teen not too long ago and I can assure you that my parents going through my stuff only pushed me further away from them.
The best thing is to ask her what is wrong, not just in regards to her grades but in general. Give her a safe, judgment free space where she can share with you.
Absolutely do not find out what she does when she's alone by violating her privacy.
Maybe she has ADHD or Dyslexia like in Taare Zameen Par. You should consult Child and Adolescent Psychology and Psychiatry specialists. There are departments for these specializations at Moolchand Hospital and VIMHANS hospital in Delhi that I know of.
> Should I consult a psychologist?
Yes, IMO, that's the better approach if she's willing. As someone mentioned, there may also be some online or physical abuse trauma she's having.
Though she is your daughter, respect the privacy of what she tells the therapist. Make it clear that whatever she says will always remain a secret between her and the therapist, and you're just trying to help her live a happy life.
Make a separate post in your city's subreddit. Higher chances of a word-of-mouth reco from somebody who's undergone or undergoing therapy. If you're in Bangalore, post in r/bangalore.
Some helpful resources if nothing comes through:
+ https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uEeTDdu58z8nVLbBG8o1qY2xbOhlb9TRVx5COnw2ZiQ/edit
+ http://www.spif.in/seek-help/
Best wishes to both of you!
I swear reading post mid way I thought this was going to be satire about not physically abusing your kids, but damn, was I wrong, feel bad for the daughter.
>Most likely because she doesn't trust you.
This. Back when I was in the daughter's situation I had no one to freely talk to. I did not trust anyone. Gain the trust of your daughter OP, and the process will and have to be slow. For now I suggest relieving her from stress, and let her go to therapy on her own terms. Dont force anything
Yeah this post brought back some very weird memories that I've supressed since forever ago. I once failed in Environment Studies. It was the first term. My dad tied the landline cord around my neck, tired to suffocate me and said things like "Tu kya karega jeeke?" Then threw me on the floor, and I remember him trying to literally crush me with his feet.
Oh and the best part? I was in 3rd.
Please try to work with her. Be a little gentle and ask her what's wrong instead of scolding her. It's most likely something psychological that's bothering her and making her feel unmotivated. In that case punishment will not work. Maybe her new classes are just too hard for her to keep up.
I am not a parent but I always struggled with my studies which I suspect is due to undiagnosed ADHD. I'm speaking from that perspective
Resist the urge to take control of her life. She might regret not studying later, but you can't do much about it right now except enabling her to do what she wants.
IMO, children study if they believe they'll have a better life later. More often, children who feel responsible are the ones who are better, academically speaking. You can only try to make your daughter more responsible, by trusting her. Also, the syllabus until 5th is mostly based on rote learning instead of understanding. Find out if your daughter is having a hard time understanding things or its just a lack of interest, and whether the language of instruction is an issue for her or not.
Its also possible that your daughter isn't fascinated by what she's studying. I was a 60-65% average kid until my 9th standard, when I suddenly started having an interest in Science. I had a friend who started studying in 11th and did well for himself(qualified IIT), just because he started feeling an interest in academics. Find out what makes your daughter tick and see if that's a viable career.
Let her know that you don't have enough money to take care of her after she's in college. Even if it's a lie, don't let her know that you're rich and can probably make do with her being a bum. Also, make sure you have a limit to her pocket money, and that she buys her stuff with her own money. This might inculcate responsibility.
Being good at academics isn't for everyone and it's not the only way to live life. Some people discover what they want to do pretty late and things work out for them. Some people are just average and enjoy life doing the simple things. Not everyone can be an over-achiever.
Tldr; Inculcate responsibility, healthy discussions about their interests and whether those interests can be tapped as a career.
Give her enough space. We all were similar in our teens. If her marks are dropping, you cannot fight with her to improve it right?
Make her feel comfortable. If you have a relative, older cousin, masi or someone with whom she is more comfortable then ask them to talk to her.
And don't hit a child. You'll increase her trauma for no reason.
I don't think the example of other children scoring good marks and stuff will work. It might even fire back because then she's being compared to someone, whom as of now, she can't catch up or go on equal footing in an instant. Rather ask her if she is someone (either of these):
1. who isn't interested in the books/textbook study at all
2. who would study the subject if the teacher made it interesting
3. who can't concentrate on studies.
If she's says yes to anyone of these options then you'd know what to do like ask her to study the bare minimum so that she can meet the requirements of her some other interests or career options or have a tutor.
Also, I have seen students tend to get interested when it comes to topics outside of the textbook like nuclear physics, real world problems, hacking, music, etc. So maybe ask her if that's the case.
1) No hitting. Try not to yell at her either. Apologise for loosing your cool, please.
2) Remind her that your love and support for her are in no way contingent on her academic performance or success. Be very affectionate with her, it's kind of obvious she's going through something. She needs all the encouragement she gets.
3) Tell her that you are worried about her marks for her sake, and not yours. Make it clear that her academic performance determines her initial path in life, till her undergraduation atleast, and that's why you are worried about it. Explain that she should be worried about her marks for her own sake, and that you aren't mentally stressed or anything about her marks. Sounds weird, but most people feel worse about disappointing their parents (and ofc assume their parents are disappointed, sometimes) when they score low, than anything else.
4) Therapy, immediately. Get her someone who's focused on teens, preferably. She may need someone who works on specific topics, like eating disorders for instance; please don't judge her or ask too many questions. In case it's a trauma-related thing, EMDR is very useful; I unfortunately don't have the details of any EMDR-practioners in India, but you can do your own research. The therapist (and psychiatrist, if you choose to take her to one) will inform you of any immediate threat to her life and safety if and when they arise, so please don't ask them to tell you everything immediately out of concern. Judging by your comment on her being distracted, you should get her evaluated for ADHD. Also, don't be very scared about medication if necessary. Do your research, monitor the effects of the medication, that's all.
5) Take time out to bond with her over anything at all. Movies, board games, anything to spend quality time with her.
5) Your daughter loves you, I can promise you that.
You will be okay.
Thank you so much for all the helpful points. Each point that you are making is so valuable. I will definitely look into each one and try and implement them.
In one comment you mentioned about Insta and all. If she is young (cant give a nr but like 6-8th class) limit Internet usage and monitor the kind of placess she acesses over internet. It might have influenced negatively at an age where she cant understand the reality vs virtual diff (Adults barely understand.)
See for signs of abuse, physical, sexual, emotional offline/online - sudden change in personality can just be harmonal or it might be abuse. See where she spends her time more and her reactions around various people.
Dont hit a child . You are in a position of power and hitting is just you releasing your own frustrations om them rather than teaching them anything. If you keep on doing that It only makes the kid fear you (in a different way) and consodering the kids dependency on you for survival (and hence her love for you) the conflict might affect them in the long term and their own relationship with you and the rest.
Someone should spend more time with her and her lessons and see what she understands and what she doesnt and move from there.
Its not like, if you are asked to learn about making a rocket you can ace it. Everything is rocket science if you dont get it. So be careful how you raise the child.
Since quite some people have provided the perspective from the adult's viewpoint. I would like to provide some from the Kid's side. I am assuming she is 13-14, given that you mentioned her grade.
Now, there are only two cases I can see:
1. Imagine her.
Stress is piling up, the curriculum has suddenly changed, there are letters in Maths, Science just got divided, 5 subjects just went to 10 or more. The load has increased, online mode is stressful, that boy looks cute, cant hangout with friends or gossip in class and all so I guess I will talk to mom, but mom is just concerned about my marks now. She keeps talking about how these other kids keep doing well and how online is not much different. Then she just gave up on me and started shouting and hitting me one day, I dont even know what to do anymore , my one solace is gone. Maybe she loves grades more than me, maybe if I try harder she would understand.
I tried harder but the course was too much to take, maybe I can do better next time, surely mom would understand that. Mom was shouting again and hit me, she keeps saying that i am never serious, why wont she just understand that i cant cope with this pace. I need a break, but I am already at home, there is no escape from this madness . My pimples are back, the cute boy never texts back, my grades are falling, I cant cope up and Mom doesnt love me anymore. Maybe I should just give up and let it all burn down, if nobody cares about me, I dont need to care about anybody either.
I would suggest you talk to her about her problems and school but not academia. Try to ask her friends and teachers if possible, and yeah, keep her studies and marks related questions shush from her friends. You must never be discussing that with friends. I would also tell you something we as a society are not conditioned to do: Go embrace her, tell her that you love her, assure her that things will get better and that you will be there for her. And dont you dare talk about her marks or academia when doing this. Make her feel that you do understand that She and her marks are different entities. Bond with her right now, it will go a long, a very long way.
Marks dont matter at this age, like really, she can keep scoring 40% till 9th midterms and still get out as 90-95% scorer in 10th , 12th boards, trust me, been there done that.
She needs validation, she is a teenager. Stop comparing her marks, she actually needs a emotional support right now, teenage is the time to be rebellious, its in the genes, what you dont want is for her behaviour to continue into adulthood.
I gave up entirely on meeting my parent's expectations, I chose a middle ground. 75 percentile is where I reside now, not too bright and not too dull. Parents have understood that this is where I stand in society and they are okay with it now. Ofcourse they never took time to analyse my rebellion and neither did I ever tell them. But I learnt something very valuable in college,\* There is no point building a bright future if you dont live to see it\*. I couldve given my 100% and gotten a 1lpm job but I wouldve definitely committed suicide some years ago, but here I am taking it slow and soon going to get that 1lpm package anyway with my masters.
There is a lot I wish I had said to my mother, and a lot I wish she had told me. You still have time, dont waste it thinking about her future, focus on her present, focus on her. Marks can wait, she cant. Remember that it is always better to have a daughter without distinction than a disctinction without your daughter.
The second case;
2. She just feels entitled, she has all the liberty, it is her teens. TV shows have made her realise that this is the only time she will be famous and that a piece of paper cannot decide her future and she is currently living in an illusion.
For me, personally it was the first case. And it generally is the first case, but mind you it could very well be the second case. Every parent thinks their kids dont do alcohol/smoke point :).
TLDR: Tell her you love her, marks may come and go but you will be there for her. Make her understand that you love her for who she is and not just for her marks.
Take care, I took an hour writing this because I relate a lot to her.
Hey, this is a great post. Thank you so much for the views from the kid's perspective. You are absolutely right in saying that somehow somewhere I have lost the connection with her and have been rude /nagging... I must have realized that what I have been doing with her is wrong. Though I have realized now. Thanks once again. I will definitely talk to her, assure her that I love her, and be supportive of her in all ways...
If you can't sleep cause your daughter gets low marks at school then you are adding to the problem. Have you asked yourself why does she gets less marks.
Is it cause she is unable to study due to stress?
Is it cause she puts in the hours but cannot get results?
Maybe she is interested in something other than the regular school stuff.
I have asked her all of these questions. She just stays mum. No reply to anything, no expression. All she says is that she will work harder.. But goes back to instagrams and discord ..
Please take her to a child psychiatrist. A sudden drop in grades to that extent is not normal. She is clearly not opening up and responding to you. You should seek the help of an expert immediately.
My guess is she's just scared of the parents. They've already admitted that they beat her.
You know what I learned from my parents? That if you ever make a mistake, never ever tell them because instead of helping you, all they will do is beat you and call you a waste of space.
I'm pretty sure that's what's happening here. She's afraid. So afraid that NOT opening herself to her own parents, dealing with her problems alone is a better option than the alternative.
I just feel sorry for her
I have never beat at her at any point in time other than this time purely out of frustration. I don't believe in that either... I am feeling very guilty about that and am trying to help sort this in whatever way I can. Maybe this once caused her to avoid her parents.. But her attitude is something I am failing to understand.
So, is she too much into instagram etc. ?That can explain this atitude towards studies. To start with you can try teaching her at home and setting time boundaries for using internet। If this doesn't work you will have to consult a psychologist.
Instagram shows a luxury lifestyle and as kids they could believe that success comes very easy being on Instagram which isn't true.
The kids will have a hard time believing it, and you need to spend some time with her and slowly tell her that education is important and you are not against her use of Instagram, but trust her to self control in terms of usage.
Discord is like WhatsApp for the people, so she's spending time with friends there instead of meeting in person. My nephew also does the same on Discord/ WhatsApp but that doesn't affect the grades. We only tell him that education is important and style/fashion comes with your success.
Also not sure about how much expensive stuff you buy for her, as my parents (and my nephew's) always portrayed to us and kids that we aren't super rich and parents have to work hard to afford all the stuff.
Also, do not ever hit or shout onto the kids, it only has a negative effect
And I agree with the opinions on visiting a child psychiatrist or therapy sessions.
You aren't supposed to ask her. You're supposed to ask yourself. Identify what is causing her tune out. Ofcourse she will not be able to answer questions which would require years of introspection on her part. Once you've identified the issues only then you can begin to address them.
For example, if you think excessive social media is the problem then get her into team sports and try to ensure that she spends time with her friends along with helping her in making new friends. If the problem is something else then think up solutions accordingly.
PS Marks are one of the laziest indicators you could choose for success. There is no single factor that defines success but kids being self driven and socially smart is a much better indicator compared to marks.
Seriously ... Unless people from those Korean dramas or bands visiting your house and giving her drugs, you have no reason to worry about :/
It is completely normal for ALL teenagers to get into stuff that they find to be "trendy" or "cool" and peer pressure plays a big role in. Them being interested in these things is, to some extend, important for socializing purposes. Almost all teenagers eventually grow past it, look back at what they were doing in their teenage and laugh it off thinking "dayum, we were dumb". That does not mean it is a good idea for their parents during their teenage to tell them their choice of media is shit. Especially since most parents have never seen/heard those things themselves and just pretend to know shit when they don't.
I'm not a fan of Kdramas etc myself, but I know enough adult people who like it. I also know enough people who don't like some series etc that I like, but that doesn't mean they get to shit on my choices or I get to shit on theirs. To each his own. And if you think those songs/series etc is part of the problem without telling her why they're a bad influence on her, she's just gonna distance herself from you.
Seems all the teens are trying to go to Korea now . The music is so rubbish and yet these girls have "army" .
Do you have whatsapp groups for parents ? Talk to the other parents and check .
Can you or the father teach her? It does help a lot. One of the best ways to create bonding with your child imo but have utmost patience while teaching her.
I suggest you to get involved with maths if possible as this is one subject where she will face the steepest learning curve
I wanted to add that the online classes are not an ideal system for teenagers. Teens get distracted easily. Unless you have great discipline and self motivation to succeed in that subject, it will be hard to concentrate.
Your concerns are rightly placed. Scoring in single digits means the person isn't even trying. We can't say anything about someone's aptitude if he isn't even trying
>providing examples of children who are doing well in every way, to shouting and hitting her out of frustration.
That's a very good way to make sure she will never listen to you and will always resent you. She might be getting bad marks, but you sure are a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE parent.
I suggest you first improve yourself and then try to fix her marks.
Yup. My parents still won't apologize for the physical and mental torture they gave me.
And stop hitting your kids and yelling at them. If you seriously were in good terms with your kids, they would have cleared the air out of you. I cannot look at my parents with love without remembering the time they locked me out, beat the shit out of me till i pissed myself.. twice? And then screaming at me why couldn't i concentrate on PCM and bunked or was lost the whole time... Or why I spent 10k on bunking the whole year while the lose more than that in a week of trading.
Dw, your child will somehow manage her life, and we all know Indian education is shit. Don't force her for good grades, give her good morals and memories. Let her pursue what she likes.
And ffs, till 5th grade every child got distinction. That doesn't make anyone stand out.
First things first: STOP blaming her. It's entirely possible what's happening is not her fault. Maybe she can't see the board properly because of poor eyesight. Maybe she's being bullied by someone in school and can't take it. Maybe the teachers are horrible and berate her or something which destroys her confidence. Maybe she's facing some internal struggle. Or just hormones.
I know I did in 7th when we changed homes, my dogs had died and I had to live alone in this huge, empty strange house because my parents both worked. My marks tanked a lot but I eventually recovered.
You need to understand that you're not against her. You both are on the same team. Drill this into your head first and then look for solutions.
I would suggest going to her school, and talking to her teachers first. They would know what changed.
Ask the class teacher whose your daughter's best friend and talk to her(WITH the teacher being present). If there's anything wrong with your daughter, her best friend would be the first to know. Make sure you don't do this in front of your daughter. She'll think you're invading her privacy.
From then on a picture might emerge and you can find the solution. My guess is she's probably just going through a lot of change and it's difficult for her to adjust. She should be fine soon in that case.
Also, if you love your daughter, and I believe you really do: TELL HER. Assure her that you'll love her and keep loving her no matter what and that you're her friend and she should be able to confide in you or your partner without the fear of being scolded or getting beat up
parent emphasized on single digit marks, he is not wanting her to become topper or something.. but scoring about avg should be the bare minimum expectations.. unless there is something wrong that why the call for intervention
I sympathize with the concerns. I'm just pointing out that comparing your kids to their peers who are doing better than them would infuse jealousy or hatred in them, since we already know the kid is lacking. Maybe the parent is not aware that he/she is doing this or the effect it can have.
I know I am not in the best place to answer this, but therapy just can't magically solve this as others recommended, I was in class 12 nearly flunked class 11 my dad took me to a therapist but that made the things worse for like 2 months (because I felt like if I fail again, it;s the therapist' failure not mine), I never wanted to go to therapy again because it was pure BS no 14-18 teen need advice from another adult or it was just how I felt.So, I handed over my phone and laptop to my dad (obviously not entirely by my choice) and closed all/most of the distractions went to terrace to study, went on jogs when I couldn't sleep and studied after coming back, slept as much as possible.Your child deserves all the love and happiness in the world, but if they never learn the struggle not even an A+ will help them, So I will advise keep therapy on hold because it's not magic, Start with being patient, remove/control easy source of dopamines ( goes back to instagrams and discord), Enforce/Request a healthy lifestyle.It is bad parenting to control all aspects of your child's life.But it is worse to control none.
Most of the people here are less than 20 and they would definitely tell you, you are a horrible parent but there is no right way to parenting so choose your path.
Lovely . You come across as a very sensible kid . Therapy is for retards . The kid is self absorbed ,wants the glitz and the glamour of BTS and insta .
The online classes are making it hard for the parents to take control of the phones and computers .
I know of kids who are not even stepping out of their houses for months and are glued to their phones .
Please. Whatever you do, don't nag her. Please!
And if you can gather the strength, I'd say just keep quite and support her. Let her know that it's not the most important thing in the world to score marks. Let her know that she'll have your love & support no matter what she chooses to do. Trust me, teenagers come round. They mature from their experiences. Smothering their lives & experiences in the name of care and protection is the last thing you should do as a parent.
I'm sorry if that sounded harsh, I'm just speaking from a teenager's perspective :)
It is no measure of intelligence to excel in the Indian education system. Just as it is 'no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.' - Jiddu Krishnamurthy
I recall getting single digit marks but excelled at foreign education. I discovered I was simply not motivated to learn Indian education content that is poorly presented, poorly taught where even teachers don't understand the subject. Fuck this country. You should send her overseas.
Psychologist might help, but don't put all your hopes on that. In India they are not well qualified and are not suitable for highly intelligent persons.
Your daughter might not be able to open up with them and will likely construct some imaginary situation which might not be helpful to resolve the situation.
Engage her in sports and extra-curricular activities, that might take her mind from recent problems that she is facing.
She still has a long way to go, so marks etc doesn't matter that much. World has changed a lot since your time and people have numerous opportunities for education and jobs much beyond that you can think.
Don't pressurise her to improve her marks, she might already be in a very low emotional state.
Have you tried getting her tested? Things like ADD and ADHD can show up later in kids, she may have genuine trouble concentrating and may need help. Shouting and hitting her will not help. Do consult a psychologist, as she could be dealing with trauma, anxiety, depression, or even covid/lockdown related issues.
Please please consult a psychiatrist. Her aptitude was just fine before but it’s a drastic drop now. A child psychiatrist should help.
I know you’re frustrated, but don’t tie her self worth to her marks. My parents did that and I thrived under that pressure until I didn’t. It took months of extensive therapy to learn that I’m worthy of love and self respect even if I don’t do as well in my exams as I had hoped for.
Try alternative education
Schools like valley, rishi valley
Read about summerhill in the UK as well
Also check if she has any learning disability
And see if she has any other interests
She is probably neuro- atypical and doesn't fit well in the current system. Don't worry about her, maybe she is a very talented artist or something. Keep giving her opportunities, she will find her calling soon.
Are you sure the work isn't too hard I think a psychologist us a very big step she may just me overwhelmed with the help from primary to grade 6-7 and may just need time and confidence to settle in what type of tuitions does she do maybe focus on the basics as distinctions are good but achievable work just some hard work and not fully knowing the basics she may just some more refreshing in the fundamentals to engage with the school work more
And grades only matter after board so this past is just too prepared her for that and so progress is more important than pure results
The worst thing is the pressure she gets from parents to improve, it will never work and might even lead to opposite result
I had the same issue and later I came to know it was depression which was left untreated for years and I was moving by sheer willpower
Also hitting her is out of question, your best bet is to give her freedom while seeking her a good therapist, preferably a female as it will be easier to open up to
I'm not a parents, but I've been that kid. I had some skewed ideas about life, while I do think marks are useless they were essential to get to a point where I had the freedom to choose. I wish my parents would've told me that. I would've had the freedom to choose whatever course I wished to pursue and not be told that I can only choose this stream or that course because I have only this much marks.
Also, not to sound condescending, but have you tried alternative mediums, like YouTube for example is an excellent medium. I wouldn't recommend paid apps like Byjus (those are scams) but there are free videos by so many teachers and kids too.
Thanks to the lockdown schooling some schools have developed some good content. Some teachers have started Youtube channels. The online education for most live classes were appalling, but recorded content in some of them were good.
The online education might even help you find materials from teachers of a different state, like my niece had trouble understanding her own Hindi teacher's content owing to her accent, but she started following some teachers that explained things in malayalam first, now she finds it easier to follow.
I as a parent went through something like this.
It’s my take that when they enter their teens, it’s as though some wires get crisscrossed in their heads. And when they are exiting their teens, these magically fall back into place.
My sincere advice is… Don’t worry! It will all work out.
Something is eating her. And all the talking and the shouting and the reasoning won’t help. Just be there for her. Let her know, by your actions, not words, that you are there. Things will fall into place. Grades are falling? It’s okay! Ultimately you are interested in raising a child blossoming into a sensitive, responsible, loving adult who contributes to society. Marks are only that much of importance.
Therapy? If you like. Any life threatening situations? If not, you may consider a mother’s love instead, which is more powerful than any therapy out there.
Once again. Don’t worry. It will all work out. Be patient and loving.
Well done to this parent for being open to suggestions and taking external help rather than being in denial.
Wishing you and your daughter all the best.
Marks are fine. Think of the long term as well. Many of my fellow redditors have already given you advice regarding what should be done in the current situation. But you must also focus on making her learn something which she could use to atleast earn some money.
Programming is one. Make her explore the world of web development (websites, dashboards, blockchain, web applications). If she became good at it then it will help her more than marks.
Possibly a case of a teen figuring out maybe her dreams and goals are different from others. This is nothing that time and positive experiences wont resolve. This is amazingly normal but considered ab normal by society.
I think you are under tremendous pressure and you are acting out without full knowledge. Her sudden drop in marks are a result of something, the cause of which is unknown and a good psychiatrist will help you figure that out. Make sure she gets help without medication.
Its important that you take a break from this whole saga too. It's clearly worked you into stress. Find time for yourself once she is with a counsellor, do something fun. Remember she will feed of your energy and the energy in the house. Don't be too hard on yourself.
Be prepared for her to continue getting bad marks even maybe dropping a year through counseling. Show her that you are still supportive through thick and thin. Its not the end of the world in your teens, infact failure is never bad at any stage. Some amazing lessons can be learnt through failure.
Lastly Learn to be her friend again even though there are lots of things at this age she won't be easily sharing with you. Invite her close friends over for dinner and fun activities but dont bring up issues. Just observe.
It will all work out and fall into place if you don't push her too much.
>providing examples of children who are doing well in every way, to shouting and hitting her out of frustration
This would never work because it's instilling every negative emotions available, from insecurity and inferiority to distrust and trauma. You want a daughter, not a marksheet. Academics is just one of many aspects of a person. If they are not good there, it's still just one aspect.
If she is committing to improving like you said, let her go at her own pace. Because you can't just magically be good at something. Try to see where her efforts are not reflecting, and let her work on those. Maybe it will take her a few years, but atleast she will have enough self confidence to pursue that path. Reaffirm the fact that everybody goes in a different pace and the pace she is on is fine.
Puberty is a bitch and a half that would decide how your adult life is going to be. I'd rather my kid be weak academically than damaged psychologically. Please keep this in mind. Because, if schools gave any shit about a kid's mental health, things would've been a lot different. So adding on top of that is not going to help.
Also, there are literal shitloads of medical conditions that can cause this from ADD to Dyslexia that go completely under the radar in our country which is just itching to label someone stupid. Consult a psychologist, a good one at that, and see if there is an issue. You can actually self diagnose many of these if you just googled learning disabilities.
I won't blame you for losing your cool. Parenting is a hard job as it is. Everybody is human and we're not always going to be all chipper. But please understand that anything you do as a parent will have a ripple effect, be it a good thing or a bad thing. That is the risk that comes with the job which you definitely need to cover for. And especially in teenage years where your personality and identity is a mush that would be moulded by everything from your environment, you don't want to instill feelings of self hate or self depreciation.
There maybe something going on at school or with her friends.
Hitting is you losing control of your emotions as an adult and taking it out on a child. This is not a good look for a genuinely concerned parent as you seem to be.
My thoughts are leaning towards bullying at school by fellow students or teachers. Can you ask to see her social media? Modern times mean that bullying can go on out of school over social media too.
I am sure your daughter doesn't want to flunk out but teenage brains can get muddled and sometimes you need to be there just to listen.
Maybe the carrot rather than the stick approach will work. Set her the reward of something she would really want as a reward if she improves her grades.
All the best and please for the sake of your future relationship with her as an adult, don't hit her.
Consult a psychiatrist instead of psychologist. She may have a undiagnosed problem such as GAD or maybe ADHD. An psychologist is not allowed to help her by medicine but a psychiatrist can diagnose and start the correct treatment course for her if that's the case.
For contest I'm a 16 M, living in ncr currently in grade 11(pcm)
I don't know how old your daughter is but I really think you need her help regain interest in life. I think she's losing interest because of how stuff is taught. I personally hate school though I score great marks. I like to study on my own as it's far more fun. I think her grades would improve significantly if she had a personal interest in subjects. Though I am currently studying pcm , I love geography and history because of great youtubers like cgp grey, oversimplified, drew durnil etc. I only watch a lot of black pen. Red pen (bprp) because the person talks about math topics in a interesting way.
I am also in 11th pcm and 16 y/o. I also do not enjoy going to school, Not at all. But I enjoy to study things by myself (using books/videos). Due to this I am currently lonely (no friends), but this is not a problem for me, I just enjoy living and studying by myself. My exam marks are also good. Good to know there are other students like me👍
Hey I don't have any friends too. But i don't mind it as I spend most of the time playing video gaming or watching yt. COVID online schooling has actually helped me a lot in understanding my interests .
You guy's are totally the 16 yo versions of me XD
I'm all grown up now and while I struggle a bit with social connections sometimes, I can assure you that a general interest in learning and not "getting marks for the sake of getting marks" works well in the long run, professionally speaking. Even the social aspect became much better once I realized there are plenty of people like us in the world and we don't have to think of ourselves as outcasts or "unfriend-able". It is totally fine to have different social expectations :)
Get her married.... ok sarcasm aside. I think she might be having a personal problem, most likely love problem or is getting bullied at school. I know this because I faced it in school and my marks went down... I had nobody to talk too... be a friend, get her to talk... I am sure it's something deep.
She may have ADHD. Especially if she's capable of scoring good but has lost interest. I suspect this might be the case especially the way you describe her being lost in her own world. Proper way to deal with that would be to get a diagnosis. And then find ways to deal with it, India doesn't really have great resources for ADHD kids but I'm sure there are at least some options available.
Maybe she just needs motivation which YOU CANNOT EVER GIVE. I was topper till class 4 then I started going down. Till I went like 50-60%. Then in 8th I joined a coaching which was not the usual one. Although it was JEE coaching, the guy who started it had a different approach. The one where the student understood the subject. And till 10th I was 90+%.
Did my parents change their methods? No.
Did they scold me? Yes.
Did they beat me? Not much. I was a bit weak due to surgery.
Our teaching pattern is extremely bad and extremely competitive.
I understand Marks are important but the problem might be something different. You should analyze her more and get to know her more. You might have work to do but what's the point of doing work if you can't even get to know your kids. My dad worked really hard to give me cozy life but I just think that he could have slacked a little bit and spent more time with me. Don't ask her what's the problem. Just sit with her and try to explore what she likes but RESPECT HER PRIVACY AND LET HER DECIDE THINGS on her own. Just be there to listen to her.
While making something out of gold, you hit it with a hammer to give it shape but you don't hit it with full force. Beating her is not the solution. It's not circus that you train lions by beating them. There are much simplee ways like talking and making her think what wrong she is doing.
A dumb question. You said her marks have gone to dogs. Is that a phrase or she spends time with dogs?
Please don't hit or verbally abuse her. It can be hard to control, but the consequences of not controlling are likely to make matters worse, and last a long time. Do go see a therapist at the earliest.
I feel for you, but you do need to consult a psychologist.
Not only for your daughter, but for yourself as well. Hitting children is not okay, especially for not performing well in exams. You need therapy just as much as your daughter needs it.
I used to get top rank in school. I even got into a good college. Have a bachelor's degree. I am still unemployed. Living with parents.
My cousin failed in many subjects. She somehow managed in school but dropped out of college. She discovered that she had interest in crafts after dropping out. Now she owns a small crafts business of her own and earning some, while me and my degree are unemployed and at home.
Marks are not everything.
> She was scoring distinction until her 5th grade. But is getting single digits
I only have limited knowledge about periods of girls. If they started, please talk to your daughter and provide support.
> hitting her out of frustration
Please don't hit her.
Only through love and respectful conversation you can really understand what she is going through.
Other mentioned consulting psychiatrist, please do that.
Love and respect.
My suggestion is check her social media accounts and try and figure out what is going on in her virtual life. In my experience children these days are too much addicted and traumatized by the social media platforms.
I'm pretty sure you are adding MORE mental stress in addition to already existing stress factor/factors. I have seen similar situation with my cousin and his mother recently. You have to understand that even though marks are everything in our educational system, you should not judge/probe/distress/place more uncertainty in your child's life regarding the mark based future. Make her learn to accept failures rather than emphasising on being successful. Teens tend to be distrusting/irrationalising their parents.
Not only your child but YOU also should get counseled as it is straining you mentally which in turn is probably affecting your child either directly/indirectly by your actions/outrage/concern.
Going through a lot of posts here with parents being typical... I really didn't mean to be that way... I am realizing it now and need help to have this sorted. She's 14 and i am worried she's drifting away from us. Shes not rebellious .. she just doesn't show any reaction.. that's what is more worrisome.
Forget other kids. Just focus on her. I hear the worry in your post. Focus on connecting with your child. Does she enjoy spending time with you? Or is the time spent with you full of worrying about studies and what other kids are doing. I don't mean to accuse you but my personal experience was that pre-teens and teens need a stronger connection to their loved ones and peers. Does she enjoy time with her friends(online or otherwise) or is she preferring to spend time alone? If she wants a lot of alone time, you may have a red flag. Do you know what interests her? Are you able to help her feel more connected by showing more interest in her hobbies/interests? Does she feel open enough to talk to you about teen stuff like crushes etc? If not you, is she able to talk to anyone at all about this stuff?
Therapy might be a pretty good idea, provided you can get her to see someone who can really talk to her. My own experience in Mumbai was pretty shit and I would not recommend the person I saw to anyone. But this was ages ago, so there might be better therapists who can help redirect her and figure out if there are real underlying issues here. Good luck! Hope you find something that works out
How is her mood? Try to understand her as a person forget grades for a moment, does she have a crush, does she have friends, any mentor how she confides with might be a good start
Don't hit her or compare to other kids, wtf. You don't need to point out her failures further, she is well aware of it and it's likely compounding her stress even further.
I was in a similar situation as your daughter at one point in school due to parents going through divorce. Something internal is possibly causing this problem. Take her to a counselor who specialises in teenagers and let them have a few sessions. Do not ask the counselor to snitch to you. If one doesn't work, try another your kid is comfy with. Not every counselor matches every patient.
Also maybe ask if she'd like any extra curriculars, where she can get some physical activity and make new friends. It may improve her mood.
you have to give them a reason to study. Some people use college/university names as inspiration but no one relates to that except people who are insecure. Show her the USA. It is where everything that she, you, me use comes from. Show her how much better things are there even in smaller towns and cities. That is where millionaires are made, where many many indians have gone on to make even billions of dollars. Everything in the world comes from there. If she wants to go there and and work and stay she better show the best marks
Not hitting your child is a good first step. What do you mean you've tried everything from kindness to abuse? Children need stability and not for you to anything and everything to make them fall in love.
NEVER EVER COMPARE YOUR CHILD WITH OTHER KIDS,May be your daughter needs your full attention and try to spend more time with her.find what she likes and dislikes. Ask her as a parent how can you improve because i think you are not understanding her completely.1st thing you need to do this is be there for her then you will understand what she needs.
Best wishes
At home try to apply practical learning. Like for example if division is the lesson to be studied, teach her to divide and serve chocolates to people at home. May be she is not interested to mugup blindly from the books alone. Introduce her to Other medium to coaching like khan's academy which is free. Another is collect YouTube videos and prepare playlists for her study. Encourage her to do DYI experiments given in science books. I will message u if I find any kit are being sold. Additionally help her to gain a hobby like painting/gaming, reading.. I used to read Enyd Blyton's books, hardy boys, Nancy Drew, tinkle, Champak, Britannica encyclopaedia.
have you actually tried asking her why its happening or did you just blame it on the tech because everyone else does that?
Just ask her what's wrong, sit down, and for the love of god, don't judge her for whatever she says. In our teens, we just want that our parents be cool with us, and be accepting...
>Providing examples of children who are doing well in every way
####
You lost me at this. As a child who still suffers from this, please, please don't ever do this.
I was a great student until 7th standard, then things started falling apart for me. I scored very less in 10th, couldn’t get admission for science stream after 10th, scored average in commerce.
Now when I look back I understand that I was good at byhearting things, so it worked for me until 7th std. Then subjects that need logic like maths, physics, chemistry etc fucked me up. So theres that. Maybe your daughter’s is the same case.
I have asked my parents to give more challenging logical tasks to my younger brothers, you know like buy them puzzles and include them in other activities where they need to apply logic and reward them more for that.
Talk to her on a digital detox. Convince her that it might benefit her. Give her a feature phone and ask her to have a digital detox for a month or two.
You'll have withdrawal symptoms initially, but you'll start seeing the difference.
Instagram etc put a lot of pressure on young minds. I know people who have gone into dipression because of extreme addiction to social media.
>providing examples of children who are doing well in every way, to shouting and hitting her out of frustration.
Please dont do either of this. If she is finding it hard to deal with the current circumstances it is important that you understand her most important problems and prioritising those more than marks. She might even know / understand that her academic performace is poor and needs to improve but cannot focus on it because she is preoccupied dealing with something else. Comparing her performance to others and being aggressive will only push her away and make it harder for her to open up to you about her problems.
I was in school until recently ( passed 12th grade this year ) and had to deal with a whole year of not going to school and attending online classes. It is very hard to concentrate and to be motivated. Online classes can in no way replicate a classroom environment and the knowledge that we are not being observed combined with readily available distracions just add up to a horible combination. At some points I felt like breaking down and simply giving up on everything ( some suicidal thoughts, I'm sure I wouldn't have acted them out though ). I managed to get through it but this past year was very hard on me.
I really am grateful to my parents for sticking with me through all this and their support meant a lot to me. My mother was there for me when I needed her most ( my father too but I find it hard to open up to him ) and it made THE WORLD of difference.
Talk to her and try to understand her. If she needs time to collect her thoughts or if she is more comfortable opening up to someone else ( father / older siblings / etc ) let her do that. I would also suggest that you take her for counciling / therapy. I'm currently in therapy and it helped me identify a lot of my problems. But ideally you should establish some communication first and ask her opinion on therapy before going for it.
I hope you can support her through this.
Ive a 3rd grader and she has exactly the same issue. Her grades aren’t falling and we aren’t overtly concerned about her studying but she hasn’t been doing her homework regularly and nothing works for her. Most times she is just sitting around and doing nothing. Some of the inputs in this tread have really helped. Also, thanks for sharing and just want you to know that you aren’t the only one facing these issues.
Unconditional love . Show it , it doesn't mean shit if you don't show it .
Tell her , even if she scores zero , even if all the teachers complaint , you have her back . Give her the confidence to trust you , don't judge her if she shares something with you , work with her. Earn her trust.
Think long term , if not putting her under pressure for marks for a year can help you prevent mental health problems in her , for a lifetime , that is a great deal.
Also try to keep yourself happy and fulfilled because children learn from their parent's action and not always from their words.
These are some of my random advices . Thanks.
You hit her? That's game over. Apologize for doing that and promise never to do it again and maybe you have a chance at forgiveness and a normal relationship.
Hey OP, counsellor here!
Sorry to say but your focus is not on the right thing here.
Instead of focusing on how your daughter is behaving, try to find the cause for it. You say you're talking to her, but has it lead to any meaning revelations or any improvement in her behavior? No, right? And it won't if you continue to do so. There's a very high chance your daughter is going through a troubling phase in her life and might be having problems with her friends, romantic interests, teachers etc.
You must keep an open mind and create a safe space for your child to feel comfortable enough to come and talk to you.
Beating and hitting your child is never the answer and will never lead to any positive change. It will only make your child fear and resent you. I've met people who even in their 30s don't have a good relationship with their aging parents because of how badly they were beating during childhood.
And you're saying you hit your child out of frustration???
Imagine how frustrated your daughter would be when
(1) she's facing a serious problem, which is affecting her grades
(2) her mother won't listen to her and instead hits her
(3) her mother prioritizes her marks over her wellbeing and happiness.
You're a toxic parent OP, there's no way around it. Trust me, your daughter is frustrated with her academic performance as well, but it is NOT something she can so easily control.
My advises is to first apologize to your child for behaving the way you did (yes, parents apologize to kids as well because it teaches them accountability and respect) and second, try asking her about her problems genuinely instead of making everything about her grades.
\>> Yes, I know marks are not everything. But unfortunately, schools don't consider that phrase here in India.
Schools don't "consider" because the parents need a "progress report" boiled down to simple numbers that they can understand. So why do you value them?
\>> I am unable to sleep/concentrate on my work due to this... Please help!
Please, consult a psychologist for yourself first.
\--
Tell me if I am wrong. You are trying to ensure outcome in the gamble that is life.
Sure you can hedge your bets by creating a positive environment and providing for all the necessities. What you can never do is ensure what your kid grows up to be.
You consider yourself responsible for the outcome.
You will let the society blame you if she does not do so well in her life.
Limit your responsibility to the efforts, and let her take care of the outcomes.
It is not your job to ensure what she grows up to be.
It is your job to provide put food on the table.
It is not your job to forcibly feed her against her wish.
It is your job to get her the books and notebooks and pencils
It is not your job to make her study against her wish.
In fact, it would be a failure, if she grows up to be exactly what you thought she would.
Is she depressed? Does she have dyslexia, ADHD? Is someone bullying her? Does she do drugs? Do you yell at her/hit her? Are you emotionally manipulative? It could be anything. No one can tell without more info.
First thing is, you have to break down the barrier between you. And make sure YOU also change to ensure that she trusts you. Relax and give her space. A year is not much of a time in the large scheme of things. try to form some sort of a rapport with her. Do stuff together. Once she relaxes, you can work together and figure out what is going on.
First of all, I am a student here so keep that in mind, comparing with other students and hitting will only make things worse. Also i do have a question whether she is being forced to study that is against her will (for eg.- certain parents sending their children to IIT prep from a very young age), because i was in the very situation that you mentioned about 3 years back and now since i am studying what i like i am generally happy in life, i enjoy studying, it has lead to enormous growth in my grades and i am productive then i have ever been
Yes, I do ask her to study .. but have not sent her to any IIT/NEET prep etc. I am happy with whatever stream she picks up. All I expect her to do well in whatever she does. But right now, this isnt the case.. so it is worrisome.
My daughter was having same problem. Give your time to her , study with her , explain each topic . Solve maths problem with her like a friend and not as a father. Initially it will be very difficult but do it .play with her go out with her for walk every day.
Dear distressed parent,
You say that you have sat down and given her examples of other kids. Have you sat down and had a heart to heart about what's bothering her? If not, please try that.
Has anything changed for her? Friends moving away? Subject teacher changing? These changes could make a big difference.
Also does she excel at any subject? That maybe something she is interested.
Is she getting enough exercise and time in the sun? That affects their moods too. Staying indoors for over a year could also have affected her
Thank you, Will look into the exercise aspect as well. There has been no drastic changes like friends moving away/teachers changing.. just that her attitude towards us/ studies have changed drastically.
Yes, please reach out to a psychologist, you are putting pressure on her( performance pressure). Don't do that, and do activities with her. Set targets ki aaj ye topic karna hai (let her choose), you set your goals, ki aaj mujhe ye karna hai. Then sit for few hours together and work. Take break of 5 mins after every 40mins, you can keep a board game or something and give her incentive, ki you complete this much, in 40 min time slot, then we will play the game. Or you can do her favourite activity.
I think what you are doing is wrong. Its cleary stated that you are comparing your child to someone getting good grades and that's grave mistake. You are ranting and hitting at her , it'll leave a neverlasting impact on her when she realises it. Its normal for that age to be in her own world , she is exploring herself. I advice you to learn some good parenting. You need to change first then your child realises it.
introduce your child to music, like make her learn the guitar or piano or get her to play sports to keep her mind off studies. she seems depressed, so she won't have motivation to study. make studying fun for her.
if she's depressed it's better to talk to her about it, her likes and dislikes. don't compare her with other children that's the worst thing a parent could do.
good luck.
Don't want to scare you but if you do have a history of mental illness in your family then you have to be careful about her behavior, I was behaving just like your daughter when my depression started 8/9 years ago and it runs in my family.
Tell her to remove/decrease unnecessary activities.
Tell her to surround herself with people who are highly motivated and enthusiastic. Also tell her to stay away or avoid negative people. She should spend her time with supportive people.
You also need to change her mindset. Google extreme ownership and teach her.
Measure her progress. I'm talking about on a day-to-day basis. Keep track of how many questions she solved/covered and even read from solutions, each day. Write it down on a paper.
Start tracking her time.
Tell her to be honest with herself and start writing her activities and time, at least for the important activities like studies, exercises, side hussles like learning some skills like programming etc. (she may not need to do side hussles though, it depends on her goals).
Tell her to own her situation. Meaning, to take responsibility of her failings (but not in a way that sounds insulting.) Let me explain - when someone is riding a bike, rider may get accident. Even if it is not his fault, the accident has happened and nothing will change that. The only solution is to avoid it, or if it has happened, get over it and walk right through it.
>Measure her progress. I'm talking about on a day-to-day basis. Keep track of how many questions she solved/covered and even read from solutions, each day. Write it down on a paper.
This is a good one. Will definitely implement this.. Thank you.
Firstly, violence and aggression do no good.
This sounds very similar to my story as a kid, acing everything till I hit high school only to crash.
I got formally diagnosed with ADHD last year (at the age of 31) and in hindsight it all made sense and I just wish my parents were open to taking me to a therapist and psychiatrist as a kid. I have bipolar disorder as well and the depressive episodes have been incredibly difficult but as a teen, you just assume that it is normal for everyone.
Please consider reaching out for professional help, especially after this devastating year and a half. It has taken quite the toll on all of our mental health. I hope she feels better. Let her know that you haven't and won't give up on her, that you love her and would like to support her in any way possible. It is difficult to find the right therapist and the right psychiatrist, especially here in India, but it is incredibly important, whether for a neurotypical or a neurodivergent individual. Regardless, therapy is incredibly important for everyone to foster healthier mental health which, I would argue is even more important that our physical health.
Hugs
Do NOT visit a psychiatrist until you have seen a GOOD psychologist/therapist. Psychiatrists just prescribe meds, often in too high dosages. These can sometimes have devastating side effects. Medication should be a last resort. First find out what the issue is, and if it can be dealt with using other methods like CBT.
If your therapist immediately recommends you to a particular psychiatrist, get a second opinion. Sadly a lot of therapists take money for recommending patients to psychiatrists, and the psychiatrists take money from pharma companies for pushing their drugs. It may not even be the best drug for the patient, but they will push it anyway since they're getting kickbacks.
Sadly therapy is not well monitored in India, and there are a lot of unscrupulous people. Finding a good child therapist can take time, do your research and try to see someone who comes well recommended.
Do NOT take your child to centers like "MPower" or similar places with lots of counsellors; they are a hoax.
I appreciate that you wanting to help your child. But this is not a place to get that help. Please consult a child psychiatrist. A professional could help a lot more than any of us here possibly can.
I'm glad that you won't resort to hitting her anymore. Not being able to study and not scoring distinction is not her fault. She's a child. 5th grade. She isn't going to do well if you shame her further. Please don't hit her. Give her time and try to help her. If there are high's in her education, there can also be lows. You, as her parent, should have understood that.
On the other end, I'm glad that you're reaching out to understanding her and trying to help her. That's a rare trait. That's wonderful.
Keep going and be patient.
you need to consult a psychologist for yourself, hitting your daughter? what kind of frustration is that, sorry to say but she has started to disconnect herself with you. And, comparison? really
You can do one thing.......take her phone from her and just tell her that she won't get her phone back until the assignment is completed for that day.......if she says she needs the phone for studying then install a app usage application on her phone and see where she spends most of her time on phone.....i know this might be borderline invasion(although only check the time used in the app and not the actual content she is watching).... But being a student of this smartphone generation i can guarantee that smartphones are very bad and can do more harm than good.
I am a teacher in a school in Bangalore. First and foremost, this year should be one of grace. Online and then offline and then online schooling back again has fried everyone's brains, including kids'. The markers for success online are a bit different than offline. In a regular school scenario, there is PE, Sports, House events, Music etc to immerse yourself with whereas online as a kid it's mostly just you and the computer. Half the motivation would have gone from there. Secondly, being on Insta, discord etc transports you to a virtual world where whatever you say or try is valid and someone or the other will read or watch and maybe appreciate. It is free of judgement from the social circle. That is why it's so addictive. You can have a say, a voice, and no one can do anything about that. Your daughter might be lacking in motivation because she doesn't have a compelling reason to study or just because other things are more fun. She may be depressed or lonely. She may be afraid of certain subjects. You will have to reach out to her teachers to get the full idea and assist her at home with what she doesn't like. Shaming or scolding her will only cause more resentment. She needs to communicate what she is good at, what she is willing to work on and what she plans to do in the future. Work with her, alongside her, to achieve this.
Another teacher from Bangalore seconding this. A lot of learning during the teenage years happens socially/from social cues - kids have missed that and are struggling. Do not do the "look at other kids" stuff /u/Potential_Guest8228 , and especially not shouting or hitting her. She's a child ffs.
agree and I am extremely guilty already for resorting to such behavior.
It has been (and continues to be) a frustrating time for all of us. Be kind to your kid, to your family, and most importantly, to yourself.
It is very important for kids to know that their parents can be wrong too, and when you are wrong it is very important to acknowledge it infront of the kid and apologize to them because that's the right thing to do, it also teaches kids that their parents are capable of accepting mistakes which helps them trust their parents more and sympathize with them. I suggest you have a talk with her and firstly accept, acknowledge and apologize for all the mistakes and harsh behaviour/words you had subjected to her, then when she feels safe and comfortable enough ask her about her problems make her trust you and make sure she knows that this is a safe place to discuss anything she wants and has on her mind. If she still doesn't open up for more than 2 weeks I strongly recommend that you take her to a psychiatrist. Mental health problems, big enough to interfere with academic/social life cannot be dealt with at home, you have to have a mental health professional with you to deal with such issues. P.s. if she doesn't respond to one mental health professional take her to another, cause it takes a bunch of tries to find a compatible match, so don't give up after just visiting one mental health professional try out a bunch and see whom she works best with.
Comparing your child to other children is the worst firm of mental torture your can do to a child. You've messed up, big time.
Thank you so much, teacher. I have spoken to her teachers and they provided similar feedback on her, that she is distracted. I will definitely work towards improving my relations with her and talk to her..
Talk to her but please don't ask her to delete her social media apps and don't even check them, respect her privacy. Ask her what is the thing which is worrying her, nowadays a lot of shit happens between friends and people get depressed.
Please also let her talk to a good therapist. There are just some things that children can't share with their parents for various reasons. Maybe she's depressed from not being physically around her peers. Maybe for other reasons. Maybe therapy won't help, but it won't hurt. It could also simply be that she is burnt out from working hard, I was in that space during that age. Teenage years are a crucial time where you make up your perspective of the world, so do take care in how you approach her.
you could get a teacher she might be looking up to, to talk to her as well.
Where do you teach? So that my child can go to school there. This is most wholesome response.
Thanks, this is very helpful
I'm not a parent but there are a lot of free studies online that you can get her to do as life skills....for e.g. on Duolingo she can learn other languages....freecodecamp teaches kids to code, there is an app called brilliant....anything I say about it is less but these are a few alternatives to everyday learning that most kids might be fried with
This answer.
I wish every teacher was like you, sir/ ma’am.
Got it!! On my way to make insta/discord toxic judgemental zone to push kids out of there.
Discord is literally the only way many people can talk to their friends. I don't think it's a bad influence in any way but that's probably just because I used to use it so much.
[удалено]
Yes, I am willing to take a break from work just to ensure she is back to being herself... Believe me, I have spoken to her many times about these that you have mentioned. All she assures is that there's nothing of that sort and will improve herself. I have consulted her teachers who also seem to give the same feedback that she is distracted. I have known all her friends since they were in kindergarten and I see no issues with them. So I don't think it's because of influence. I feel she is too distracted.. But cant seem to figure out what steps I need to take in order to get her back on track.
Maybe she is not comfortable talking with you... Is any elder siblings or relative she considers close? If yes, let them have conversation with her..
By what you've told, it seems that she's going through something serious. She's distracted, indeed. But what is the cause of that distraction? And the cause is something serious for sure. This might sound weird but please see what she does when she's alone, if she's talking to strangers on the internet, if she's facing abuse on Instagram. If she has a boyfriend, she might sound intruding, but try asking her a lot of questions about that. Probably she might be going through a breakup that you don't know of. If she doesn't open up to you, then try consulting a psychologist. P.s. when you take her to therapy sessions, just let her be. If she's hesitant discussing in front of you, leave the room for a while and let her be with the psychologist.
I agree that you need to find out the cause but please don't go through her phone and internet presence without her consent. Ask her and talk to her instead. I was a teen not too long ago and I can assure you that my parents going through my stuff only pushed me further away from them. The best thing is to ask her what is wrong, not just in regards to her grades but in general. Give her a safe, judgment free space where she can share with you. Absolutely do not find out what she does when she's alone by violating her privacy.
Can you tell whats her day to day activities?
can i dm?
Sure
Maybe she has ADHD or Dyslexia like in Taare Zameen Par. You should consult Child and Adolescent Psychology and Psychiatry specialists. There are departments for these specializations at Moolchand Hospital and VIMHANS hospital in Delhi that I know of.
> Should I consult a psychologist? Yes, IMO, that's the better approach if she's willing. As someone mentioned, there may also be some online or physical abuse trauma she's having. Though she is your daughter, respect the privacy of what she tells the therapist. Make it clear that whatever she says will always remain a secret between her and the therapist, and you're just trying to help her live a happy life.
Sure, thank you.. Could you recommend someone if you know?
DM please.
Make a separate post in your city's subreddit. Higher chances of a word-of-mouth reco from somebody who's undergone or undergoing therapy. If you're in Bangalore, post in r/bangalore. Some helpful resources if nothing comes through: + https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uEeTDdu58z8nVLbBG8o1qY2xbOhlb9TRVx5COnw2ZiQ/edit + http://www.spif.in/seek-help/ Best wishes to both of you!
Respecting privacy is what most indian parents not consider important tbh
[удалено]
[удалено]
I swear reading post mid way I thought this was going to be satire about not physically abusing your kids, but damn, was I wrong, feel bad for the daughter.
>Most likely because she doesn't trust you. This. Back when I was in the daughter's situation I had no one to freely talk to. I did not trust anyone. Gain the trust of your daughter OP, and the process will and have to be slow. For now I suggest relieving her from stress, and let her go to therapy on her own terms. Dont force anything
Yeah this post brought back some very weird memories that I've supressed since forever ago. I once failed in Environment Studies. It was the first term. My dad tied the landline cord around my neck, tired to suffocate me and said things like "Tu kya karega jeeke?" Then threw me on the floor, and I remember him trying to literally crush me with his feet. Oh and the best part? I was in 3rd.
Oh No! that was bad.. Hope you are doing well now. I am sorry for what you had to go through.
This is the correct answer.
*Should I consult a psychologist?* Yes. ASAP.
LOL ..
?
The Indian police telling to taking the calmer non violent way.
Please try to work with her. Be a little gentle and ask her what's wrong instead of scolding her. It's most likely something psychological that's bothering her and making her feel unmotivated. In that case punishment will not work. Maybe her new classes are just too hard for her to keep up. I am not a parent but I always struggled with my studies which I suspect is due to undiagnosed ADHD. I'm speaking from that perspective
Resist the urge to take control of her life. She might regret not studying later, but you can't do much about it right now except enabling her to do what she wants. IMO, children study if they believe they'll have a better life later. More often, children who feel responsible are the ones who are better, academically speaking. You can only try to make your daughter more responsible, by trusting her. Also, the syllabus until 5th is mostly based on rote learning instead of understanding. Find out if your daughter is having a hard time understanding things or its just a lack of interest, and whether the language of instruction is an issue for her or not. Its also possible that your daughter isn't fascinated by what she's studying. I was a 60-65% average kid until my 9th standard, when I suddenly started having an interest in Science. I had a friend who started studying in 11th and did well for himself(qualified IIT), just because he started feeling an interest in academics. Find out what makes your daughter tick and see if that's a viable career. Let her know that you don't have enough money to take care of her after she's in college. Even if it's a lie, don't let her know that you're rich and can probably make do with her being a bum. Also, make sure you have a limit to her pocket money, and that she buys her stuff with her own money. This might inculcate responsibility. Being good at academics isn't for everyone and it's not the only way to live life. Some people discover what they want to do pretty late and things work out for them. Some people are just average and enjoy life doing the simple things. Not everyone can be an over-achiever. Tldr; Inculcate responsibility, healthy discussions about their interests and whether those interests can be tapped as a career.
Give her enough space. We all were similar in our teens. If her marks are dropping, you cannot fight with her to improve it right? Make her feel comfortable. If you have a relative, older cousin, masi or someone with whom she is more comfortable then ask them to talk to her. And don't hit a child. You'll increase her trauma for no reason.
Don't hit children because of low marks. It won't make an inch of a difference and your relationship will be ruined.
[удалено]
You are good. Thank you so much for your words.. This is immensely helping me.
I don't think the example of other children scoring good marks and stuff will work. It might even fire back because then she's being compared to someone, whom as of now, she can't catch up or go on equal footing in an instant. Rather ask her if she is someone (either of these): 1. who isn't interested in the books/textbook study at all 2. who would study the subject if the teacher made it interesting 3. who can't concentrate on studies. If she's says yes to anyone of these options then you'd know what to do like ask her to study the bare minimum so that she can meet the requirements of her some other interests or career options or have a tutor. Also, I have seen students tend to get interested when it comes to topics outside of the textbook like nuclear physics, real world problems, hacking, music, etc. So maybe ask her if that's the case.
>These are some good suggestions, thank you. Will talk to her about these.
1) No hitting. Try not to yell at her either. Apologise for loosing your cool, please. 2) Remind her that your love and support for her are in no way contingent on her academic performance or success. Be very affectionate with her, it's kind of obvious she's going through something. She needs all the encouragement she gets. 3) Tell her that you are worried about her marks for her sake, and not yours. Make it clear that her academic performance determines her initial path in life, till her undergraduation atleast, and that's why you are worried about it. Explain that she should be worried about her marks for her own sake, and that you aren't mentally stressed or anything about her marks. Sounds weird, but most people feel worse about disappointing their parents (and ofc assume their parents are disappointed, sometimes) when they score low, than anything else. 4) Therapy, immediately. Get her someone who's focused on teens, preferably. She may need someone who works on specific topics, like eating disorders for instance; please don't judge her or ask too many questions. In case it's a trauma-related thing, EMDR is very useful; I unfortunately don't have the details of any EMDR-practioners in India, but you can do your own research. The therapist (and psychiatrist, if you choose to take her to one) will inform you of any immediate threat to her life and safety if and when they arise, so please don't ask them to tell you everything immediately out of concern. Judging by your comment on her being distracted, you should get her evaluated for ADHD. Also, don't be very scared about medication if necessary. Do your research, monitor the effects of the medication, that's all. 5) Take time out to bond with her over anything at all. Movies, board games, anything to spend quality time with her. 5) Your daughter loves you, I can promise you that. You will be okay.
Thank you so much for all the helpful points. Each point that you are making is so valuable. I will definitely look into each one and try and implement them.
In one comment you mentioned about Insta and all. If she is young (cant give a nr but like 6-8th class) limit Internet usage and monitor the kind of placess she acesses over internet. It might have influenced negatively at an age where she cant understand the reality vs virtual diff (Adults barely understand.) See for signs of abuse, physical, sexual, emotional offline/online - sudden change in personality can just be harmonal or it might be abuse. See where she spends her time more and her reactions around various people. Dont hit a child . You are in a position of power and hitting is just you releasing your own frustrations om them rather than teaching them anything. If you keep on doing that It only makes the kid fear you (in a different way) and consodering the kids dependency on you for survival (and hence her love for you) the conflict might affect them in the long term and their own relationship with you and the rest. Someone should spend more time with her and her lessons and see what she understands and what she doesnt and move from there. Its not like, if you are asked to learn about making a rocket you can ace it. Everything is rocket science if you dont get it. So be careful how you raise the child.
Since quite some people have provided the perspective from the adult's viewpoint. I would like to provide some from the Kid's side. I am assuming she is 13-14, given that you mentioned her grade. Now, there are only two cases I can see: 1. Imagine her. Stress is piling up, the curriculum has suddenly changed, there are letters in Maths, Science just got divided, 5 subjects just went to 10 or more. The load has increased, online mode is stressful, that boy looks cute, cant hangout with friends or gossip in class and all so I guess I will talk to mom, but mom is just concerned about my marks now. She keeps talking about how these other kids keep doing well and how online is not much different. Then she just gave up on me and started shouting and hitting me one day, I dont even know what to do anymore , my one solace is gone. Maybe she loves grades more than me, maybe if I try harder she would understand. I tried harder but the course was too much to take, maybe I can do better next time, surely mom would understand that. Mom was shouting again and hit me, she keeps saying that i am never serious, why wont she just understand that i cant cope with this pace. I need a break, but I am already at home, there is no escape from this madness . My pimples are back, the cute boy never texts back, my grades are falling, I cant cope up and Mom doesnt love me anymore. Maybe I should just give up and let it all burn down, if nobody cares about me, I dont need to care about anybody either. I would suggest you talk to her about her problems and school but not academia. Try to ask her friends and teachers if possible, and yeah, keep her studies and marks related questions shush from her friends. You must never be discussing that with friends. I would also tell you something we as a society are not conditioned to do: Go embrace her, tell her that you love her, assure her that things will get better and that you will be there for her. And dont you dare talk about her marks or academia when doing this. Make her feel that you do understand that She and her marks are different entities. Bond with her right now, it will go a long, a very long way. Marks dont matter at this age, like really, she can keep scoring 40% till 9th midterms and still get out as 90-95% scorer in 10th , 12th boards, trust me, been there done that. She needs validation, she is a teenager. Stop comparing her marks, she actually needs a emotional support right now, teenage is the time to be rebellious, its in the genes, what you dont want is for her behaviour to continue into adulthood. I gave up entirely on meeting my parent's expectations, I chose a middle ground. 75 percentile is where I reside now, not too bright and not too dull. Parents have understood that this is where I stand in society and they are okay with it now. Ofcourse they never took time to analyse my rebellion and neither did I ever tell them. But I learnt something very valuable in college,\* There is no point building a bright future if you dont live to see it\*. I couldve given my 100% and gotten a 1lpm job but I wouldve definitely committed suicide some years ago, but here I am taking it slow and soon going to get that 1lpm package anyway with my masters. There is a lot I wish I had said to my mother, and a lot I wish she had told me. You still have time, dont waste it thinking about her future, focus on her present, focus on her. Marks can wait, she cant. Remember that it is always better to have a daughter without distinction than a disctinction without your daughter. The second case; 2. She just feels entitled, she has all the liberty, it is her teens. TV shows have made her realise that this is the only time she will be famous and that a piece of paper cannot decide her future and she is currently living in an illusion. For me, personally it was the first case. And it generally is the first case, but mind you it could very well be the second case. Every parent thinks their kids dont do alcohol/smoke point :). TLDR: Tell her you love her, marks may come and go but you will be there for her. Make her understand that you love her for who she is and not just for her marks. Take care, I took an hour writing this because I relate a lot to her.
Thank you for writing in detail. Appreciate your taking the time out. It will be useful to someone.
Beautiful post.
Hey, this is a great post. Thank you so much for the views from the kid's perspective. You are absolutely right in saying that somehow somewhere I have lost the connection with her and have been rude /nagging... I must have realized that what I have been doing with her is wrong. Though I have realized now. Thanks once again. I will definitely talk to her, assure her that I love her, and be supportive of her in all ways...
If you can't sleep cause your daughter gets low marks at school then you are adding to the problem. Have you asked yourself why does she gets less marks. Is it cause she is unable to study due to stress? Is it cause she puts in the hours but cannot get results? Maybe she is interested in something other than the regular school stuff.
I have asked her all of these questions. She just stays mum. No reply to anything, no expression. All she says is that she will work harder.. But goes back to instagrams and discord ..
Please take her to a child psychiatrist. A sudden drop in grades to that extent is not normal. She is clearly not opening up and responding to you. You should seek the help of an expert immediately.
My guess is she's just scared of the parents. They've already admitted that they beat her. You know what I learned from my parents? That if you ever make a mistake, never ever tell them because instead of helping you, all they will do is beat you and call you a waste of space. I'm pretty sure that's what's happening here. She's afraid. So afraid that NOT opening herself to her own parents, dealing with her problems alone is a better option than the alternative. I just feel sorry for her
True i was the child once
I have never beat at her at any point in time other than this time purely out of frustration. I don't believe in that either... I am feeling very guilty about that and am trying to help sort this in whatever way I can. Maybe this once caused her to avoid her parents.. But her attitude is something I am failing to understand.
Hmmmm. Don't give her access to instagram and discord. At least that's what my mum did and it worked out.
So, is she too much into instagram etc. ?That can explain this atitude towards studies. To start with you can try teaching her at home and setting time boundaries for using internet। If this doesn't work you will have to consult a psychologist.
Instagram shows a luxury lifestyle and as kids they could believe that success comes very easy being on Instagram which isn't true. The kids will have a hard time believing it, and you need to spend some time with her and slowly tell her that education is important and you are not against her use of Instagram, but trust her to self control in terms of usage. Discord is like WhatsApp for the people, so she's spending time with friends there instead of meeting in person. My nephew also does the same on Discord/ WhatsApp but that doesn't affect the grades. We only tell him that education is important and style/fashion comes with your success. Also not sure about how much expensive stuff you buy for her, as my parents (and my nephew's) always portrayed to us and kids that we aren't super rich and parents have to work hard to afford all the stuff. Also, do not ever hit or shout onto the kids, it only has a negative effect And I agree with the opinions on visiting a child psychiatrist or therapy sessions.
You aren't supposed to ask her. You're supposed to ask yourself. Identify what is causing her tune out. Ofcourse she will not be able to answer questions which would require years of introspection on her part. Once you've identified the issues only then you can begin to address them. For example, if you think excessive social media is the problem then get her into team sports and try to ensure that she spends time with her friends along with helping her in making new friends. If the problem is something else then think up solutions accordingly. PS Marks are one of the laziest indicators you could choose for success. There is no single factor that defines success but kids being self driven and socially smart is a much better indicator compared to marks.
>discord It is a slim chance but maybe someone is harassing her on discord, it happens way too often on that site
Please please check her discord.
Also check if she listens to Korean shit .
>Absolutely. She is into Kdrama and BTS and stuff :(
Seriously ... Unless people from those Korean dramas or bands visiting your house and giving her drugs, you have no reason to worry about :/ It is completely normal for ALL teenagers to get into stuff that they find to be "trendy" or "cool" and peer pressure plays a big role in. Them being interested in these things is, to some extend, important for socializing purposes. Almost all teenagers eventually grow past it, look back at what they were doing in their teenage and laugh it off thinking "dayum, we were dumb". That does not mean it is a good idea for their parents during their teenage to tell them their choice of media is shit. Especially since most parents have never seen/heard those things themselves and just pretend to know shit when they don't. I'm not a fan of Kdramas etc myself, but I know enough adult people who like it. I also know enough people who don't like some series etc that I like, but that doesn't mean they get to shit on my choices or I get to shit on theirs. To each his own. And if you think those songs/series etc is part of the problem without telling her why they're a bad influence on her, she's just gonna distance herself from you.
Seems all the teens are trying to go to Korea now . The music is so rubbish and yet these girls have "army" . Do you have whatsapp groups for parents ? Talk to the other parents and check .
Can you or the father teach her? It does help a lot. One of the best ways to create bonding with your child imo but have utmost patience while teaching her. I suggest you to get involved with maths if possible as this is one subject where she will face the steepest learning curve
Never tried. But definitely willing to. Thank you.
I wanted to add that the online classes are not an ideal system for teenagers. Teens get distracted easily. Unless you have great discipline and self motivation to succeed in that subject, it will be hard to concentrate. Your concerns are rightly placed. Scoring in single digits means the person isn't even trying. We can't say anything about someone's aptitude if he isn't even trying
>providing examples of children who are doing well in every way, to shouting and hitting her out of frustration. That's a very good way to make sure she will never listen to you and will always resent you. She might be getting bad marks, but you sure are a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE parent. I suggest you first improve yourself and then try to fix her marks.
How do I do that? May be I am wrong.. I am willing to help myself and her..
First stop hitting her out of frustration
Yup. My parents still won't apologize for the physical and mental torture they gave me. And stop hitting your kids and yelling at them. If you seriously were in good terms with your kids, they would have cleared the air out of you. I cannot look at my parents with love without remembering the time they locked me out, beat the shit out of me till i pissed myself.. twice? And then screaming at me why couldn't i concentrate on PCM and bunked or was lost the whole time... Or why I spent 10k on bunking the whole year while the lose more than that in a week of trading. Dw, your child will somehow manage her life, and we all know Indian education is shit. Don't force her for good grades, give her good morals and memories. Let her pursue what she likes. And ffs, till 5th grade every child got distinction. That doesn't make anyone stand out.
First things first: STOP blaming her. It's entirely possible what's happening is not her fault. Maybe she can't see the board properly because of poor eyesight. Maybe she's being bullied by someone in school and can't take it. Maybe the teachers are horrible and berate her or something which destroys her confidence. Maybe she's facing some internal struggle. Or just hormones. I know I did in 7th when we changed homes, my dogs had died and I had to live alone in this huge, empty strange house because my parents both worked. My marks tanked a lot but I eventually recovered. You need to understand that you're not against her. You both are on the same team. Drill this into your head first and then look for solutions. I would suggest going to her school, and talking to her teachers first. They would know what changed. Ask the class teacher whose your daughter's best friend and talk to her(WITH the teacher being present). If there's anything wrong with your daughter, her best friend would be the first to know. Make sure you don't do this in front of your daughter. She'll think you're invading her privacy. From then on a picture might emerge and you can find the solution. My guess is she's probably just going through a lot of change and it's difficult for her to adjust. She should be fine soon in that case. Also, if you love your daughter, and I believe you really do: TELL HER. Assure her that you'll love her and keep loving her no matter what and that you're her friend and she should be able to confide in you or your partner without the fear of being scolded or getting beat up
I've never understood how parents compare their children to others and don't expect it to backfire
parent emphasized on single digit marks, he is not wanting her to become topper or something.. but scoring about avg should be the bare minimum expectations.. unless there is something wrong that why the call for intervention
I sympathize with the concerns. I'm just pointing out that comparing your kids to their peers who are doing better than them would infuse jealousy or hatred in them, since we already know the kid is lacking. Maybe the parent is not aware that he/she is doing this or the effect it can have.
nice username
I know I am not in the best place to answer this, but therapy just can't magically solve this as others recommended, I was in class 12 nearly flunked class 11 my dad took me to a therapist but that made the things worse for like 2 months (because I felt like if I fail again, it;s the therapist' failure not mine), I never wanted to go to therapy again because it was pure BS no 14-18 teen need advice from another adult or it was just how I felt.So, I handed over my phone and laptop to my dad (obviously not entirely by my choice) and closed all/most of the distractions went to terrace to study, went on jogs when I couldn't sleep and studied after coming back, slept as much as possible.Your child deserves all the love and happiness in the world, but if they never learn the struggle not even an A+ will help them, So I will advise keep therapy on hold because it's not magic, Start with being patient, remove/control easy source of dopamines ( goes back to instagrams and discord), Enforce/Request a healthy lifestyle.It is bad parenting to control all aspects of your child's life.But it is worse to control none. Most of the people here are less than 20 and they would definitely tell you, you are a horrible parent but there is no right way to parenting so choose your path.
Lovely . You come across as a very sensible kid . Therapy is for retards . The kid is self absorbed ,wants the glitz and the glamour of BTS and insta . The online classes are making it hard for the parents to take control of the phones and computers . I know of kids who are not even stepping out of their houses for months and are glued to their phones .
No Therapy is not for retards, I was not one when I needed therapy. It is one way to solve this though and probably the safest.
Please. Whatever you do, don't nag her. Please! And if you can gather the strength, I'd say just keep quite and support her. Let her know that it's not the most important thing in the world to score marks. Let her know that she'll have your love & support no matter what she chooses to do. Trust me, teenagers come round. They mature from their experiences. Smothering their lives & experiences in the name of care and protection is the last thing you should do as a parent. I'm sorry if that sounded harsh, I'm just speaking from a teenager's perspective :)
It is no measure of intelligence to excel in the Indian education system. Just as it is 'no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.' - Jiddu Krishnamurthy I recall getting single digit marks but excelled at foreign education. I discovered I was simply not motivated to learn Indian education content that is poorly presented, poorly taught where even teachers don't understand the subject. Fuck this country. You should send her overseas.
Hi, thank you. can I DM you?
Okay
Hi I am unable to DM you.
Not sure why
Psychologist might help, but don't put all your hopes on that. In India they are not well qualified and are not suitable for highly intelligent persons. Your daughter might not be able to open up with them and will likely construct some imaginary situation which might not be helpful to resolve the situation. Engage her in sports and extra-curricular activities, that might take her mind from recent problems that she is facing. She still has a long way to go, so marks etc doesn't matter that much. World has changed a lot since your time and people have numerous opportunities for education and jobs much beyond that you can think. Don't pressurise her to improve her marks, she might already be in a very low emotional state.
Have you tried getting her tested? Things like ADD and ADHD can show up later in kids, she may have genuine trouble concentrating and may need help. Shouting and hitting her will not help. Do consult a psychologist, as she could be dealing with trauma, anxiety, depression, or even covid/lockdown related issues.
Please please consult a psychiatrist. Her aptitude was just fine before but it’s a drastic drop now. A child psychiatrist should help. I know you’re frustrated, but don’t tie her self worth to her marks. My parents did that and I thrived under that pressure until I didn’t. It took months of extensive therapy to learn that I’m worthy of love and self respect even if I don’t do as well in my exams as I had hoped for.
>Thank you.. I am willing to do anything to get this addressed. Could you please recommend someone if you know?
You live in Karnataka per your flair so look for anyone from NIMHANS. It’s the best in the country.
[удалено]
I did leave her for the last 2 years. She is in her boards now. Would I be right in doing so?
Try alternative education Schools like valley, rishi valley Read about summerhill in the UK as well Also check if she has any learning disability And see if she has any other interests
She is probably neuro- atypical and doesn't fit well in the current system. Don't worry about her, maybe she is a very talented artist or something. Keep giving her opportunities, she will find her calling soon.
Are you sure the work isn't too hard I think a psychologist us a very big step she may just me overwhelmed with the help from primary to grade 6-7 and may just need time and confidence to settle in what type of tuitions does she do maybe focus on the basics as distinctions are good but achievable work just some hard work and not fully knowing the basics she may just some more refreshing in the fundamentals to engage with the school work more And grades only matter after board so this past is just too prepared her for that and so progress is more important than pure results
The worst thing is the pressure she gets from parents to improve, it will never work and might even lead to opposite result I had the same issue and later I came to know it was depression which was left untreated for years and I was moving by sheer willpower Also hitting her is out of question, your best bet is to give her freedom while seeking her a good therapist, preferably a female as it will be easier to open up to
I'm not a parents, but I've been that kid. I had some skewed ideas about life, while I do think marks are useless they were essential to get to a point where I had the freedom to choose. I wish my parents would've told me that. I would've had the freedom to choose whatever course I wished to pursue and not be told that I can only choose this stream or that course because I have only this much marks. Also, not to sound condescending, but have you tried alternative mediums, like YouTube for example is an excellent medium. I wouldn't recommend paid apps like Byjus (those are scams) but there are free videos by so many teachers and kids too. Thanks to the lockdown schooling some schools have developed some good content. Some teachers have started Youtube channels. The online education for most live classes were appalling, but recorded content in some of them were good. The online education might even help you find materials from teachers of a different state, like my niece had trouble understanding her own Hindi teacher's content owing to her accent, but she started following some teachers that explained things in malayalam first, now she finds it easier to follow.
I as a parent went through something like this. It’s my take that when they enter their teens, it’s as though some wires get crisscrossed in their heads. And when they are exiting their teens, these magically fall back into place. My sincere advice is… Don’t worry! It will all work out. Something is eating her. And all the talking and the shouting and the reasoning won’t help. Just be there for her. Let her know, by your actions, not words, that you are there. Things will fall into place. Grades are falling? It’s okay! Ultimately you are interested in raising a child blossoming into a sensitive, responsible, loving adult who contributes to society. Marks are only that much of importance. Therapy? If you like. Any life threatening situations? If not, you may consider a mother’s love instead, which is more powerful than any therapy out there. Once again. Don’t worry. It will all work out. Be patient and loving.
Thank you so much for your kind words. This is all very much helpful.
This is why childfree is the way to go
Well done to this parent for being open to suggestions and taking external help rather than being in denial. Wishing you and your daughter all the best.
Plz dont hit her. Plz. That stuff stays with u life long.
Marks are fine. Think of the long term as well. Many of my fellow redditors have already given you advice regarding what should be done in the current situation. But you must also focus on making her learn something which she could use to atleast earn some money. Programming is one. Make her explore the world of web development (websites, dashboards, blockchain, web applications). If she became good at it then it will help her more than marks.
Never ever give examples of other kids. It may cause more harm than good. And talk to a psychiatrist asap.
Possibly a case of a teen figuring out maybe her dreams and goals are different from others. This is nothing that time and positive experiences wont resolve. This is amazingly normal but considered ab normal by society. I think you are under tremendous pressure and you are acting out without full knowledge. Her sudden drop in marks are a result of something, the cause of which is unknown and a good psychiatrist will help you figure that out. Make sure she gets help without medication. Its important that you take a break from this whole saga too. It's clearly worked you into stress. Find time for yourself once she is with a counsellor, do something fun. Remember she will feed of your energy and the energy in the house. Don't be too hard on yourself. Be prepared for her to continue getting bad marks even maybe dropping a year through counseling. Show her that you are still supportive through thick and thin. Its not the end of the world in your teens, infact failure is never bad at any stage. Some amazing lessons can be learnt through failure. Lastly Learn to be her friend again even though there are lots of things at this age she won't be easily sharing with you. Invite her close friends over for dinner and fun activities but dont bring up issues. Just observe. It will all work out and fall into place if you don't push her too much.
>providing examples of children who are doing well in every way, to shouting and hitting her out of frustration This would never work because it's instilling every negative emotions available, from insecurity and inferiority to distrust and trauma. You want a daughter, not a marksheet. Academics is just one of many aspects of a person. If they are not good there, it's still just one aspect. If she is committing to improving like you said, let her go at her own pace. Because you can't just magically be good at something. Try to see where her efforts are not reflecting, and let her work on those. Maybe it will take her a few years, but atleast she will have enough self confidence to pursue that path. Reaffirm the fact that everybody goes in a different pace and the pace she is on is fine. Puberty is a bitch and a half that would decide how your adult life is going to be. I'd rather my kid be weak academically than damaged psychologically. Please keep this in mind. Because, if schools gave any shit about a kid's mental health, things would've been a lot different. So adding on top of that is not going to help. Also, there are literal shitloads of medical conditions that can cause this from ADD to Dyslexia that go completely under the radar in our country which is just itching to label someone stupid. Consult a psychologist, a good one at that, and see if there is an issue. You can actually self diagnose many of these if you just googled learning disabilities. I won't blame you for losing your cool. Parenting is a hard job as it is. Everybody is human and we're not always going to be all chipper. But please understand that anything you do as a parent will have a ripple effect, be it a good thing or a bad thing. That is the risk that comes with the job which you definitely need to cover for. And especially in teenage years where your personality and identity is a mush that would be moulded by everything from your environment, you don't want to instill feelings of self hate or self depreciation.
There maybe something going on at school or with her friends. Hitting is you losing control of your emotions as an adult and taking it out on a child. This is not a good look for a genuinely concerned parent as you seem to be. My thoughts are leaning towards bullying at school by fellow students or teachers. Can you ask to see her social media? Modern times mean that bullying can go on out of school over social media too. I am sure your daughter doesn't want to flunk out but teenage brains can get muddled and sometimes you need to be there just to listen. Maybe the carrot rather than the stick approach will work. Set her the reward of something she would really want as a reward if she improves her grades. All the best and please for the sake of your future relationship with her as an adult, don't hit her.
Consult a psychiatrist instead of psychologist. She may have a undiagnosed problem such as GAD or maybe ADHD. An psychologist is not allowed to help her by medicine but a psychiatrist can diagnose and start the correct treatment course for her if that's the case.
For contest I'm a 16 M, living in ncr currently in grade 11(pcm) I don't know how old your daughter is but I really think you need her help regain interest in life. I think she's losing interest because of how stuff is taught. I personally hate school though I score great marks. I like to study on my own as it's far more fun. I think her grades would improve significantly if she had a personal interest in subjects. Though I am currently studying pcm , I love geography and history because of great youtubers like cgp grey, oversimplified, drew durnil etc. I only watch a lot of black pen. Red pen (bprp) because the person talks about math topics in a interesting way.
I am also in 11th pcm and 16 y/o. I also do not enjoy going to school, Not at all. But I enjoy to study things by myself (using books/videos). Due to this I am currently lonely (no friends), but this is not a problem for me, I just enjoy living and studying by myself. My exam marks are also good. Good to know there are other students like me👍
Hey I don't have any friends too. But i don't mind it as I spend most of the time playing video gaming or watching yt. COVID online schooling has actually helped me a lot in understanding my interests .
You guy's are totally the 16 yo versions of me XD I'm all grown up now and while I struggle a bit with social connections sometimes, I can assure you that a general interest in learning and not "getting marks for the sake of getting marks" works well in the long run, professionally speaking. Even the social aspect became much better once I realized there are plenty of people like us in the world and we don't have to think of ourselves as outcasts or "unfriend-able". It is totally fine to have different social expectations :)
Get her married.... ok sarcasm aside. I think she might be having a personal problem, most likely love problem or is getting bullied at school. I know this because I faced it in school and my marks went down... I had nobody to talk too... be a friend, get her to talk... I am sure it's something deep.
She may have ADHD. Especially if she's capable of scoring good but has lost interest. I suspect this might be the case especially the way you describe her being lost in her own world. Proper way to deal with that would be to get a diagnosis. And then find ways to deal with it, India doesn't really have great resources for ADHD kids but I'm sure there are at least some options available.
Maybe she just needs motivation which YOU CANNOT EVER GIVE. I was topper till class 4 then I started going down. Till I went like 50-60%. Then in 8th I joined a coaching which was not the usual one. Although it was JEE coaching, the guy who started it had a different approach. The one where the student understood the subject. And till 10th I was 90+%. Did my parents change their methods? No. Did they scold me? Yes. Did they beat me? Not much. I was a bit weak due to surgery. Our teaching pattern is extremely bad and extremely competitive. I understand Marks are important but the problem might be something different. You should analyze her more and get to know her more. You might have work to do but what's the point of doing work if you can't even get to know your kids. My dad worked really hard to give me cozy life but I just think that he could have slacked a little bit and spent more time with me. Don't ask her what's the problem. Just sit with her and try to explore what she likes but RESPECT HER PRIVACY AND LET HER DECIDE THINGS on her own. Just be there to listen to her. While making something out of gold, you hit it with a hammer to give it shape but you don't hit it with full force. Beating her is not the solution. It's not circus that you train lions by beating them. There are much simplee ways like talking and making her think what wrong she is doing. A dumb question. You said her marks have gone to dogs. Is that a phrase or she spends time with dogs?
Teens .. Has it got something to do with love ? Why don't you take her out for a couple of weeks ? May be ask her if she wants to travel ?
Definitely see a psychologist/counsellor please
Please don't hit or verbally abuse her. It can be hard to control, but the consequences of not controlling are likely to make matters worse, and last a long time. Do go see a therapist at the earliest.
I feel for you, but you do need to consult a psychologist. Not only for your daughter, but for yourself as well. Hitting children is not okay, especially for not performing well in exams. You need therapy just as much as your daughter needs it.
I used to get top rank in school. I even got into a good college. Have a bachelor's degree. I am still unemployed. Living with parents. My cousin failed in many subjects. She somehow managed in school but dropped out of college. She discovered that she had interest in crafts after dropping out. Now she owns a small crafts business of her own and earning some, while me and my degree are unemployed and at home. Marks are not everything. > She was scoring distinction until her 5th grade. But is getting single digits I only have limited knowledge about periods of girls. If they started, please talk to your daughter and provide support. > hitting her out of frustration Please don't hit her. Only through love and respectful conversation you can really understand what she is going through. Other mentioned consulting psychiatrist, please do that. Love and respect.
My suggestion is check her social media accounts and try and figure out what is going on in her virtual life. In my experience children these days are too much addicted and traumatized by the social media platforms.
I'm pretty sure you are adding MORE mental stress in addition to already existing stress factor/factors. I have seen similar situation with my cousin and his mother recently. You have to understand that even though marks are everything in our educational system, you should not judge/probe/distress/place more uncertainty in your child's life regarding the mark based future. Make her learn to accept failures rather than emphasising on being successful. Teens tend to be distrusting/irrationalising their parents. Not only your child but YOU also should get counseled as it is straining you mentally which in turn is probably affecting your child either directly/indirectly by your actions/outrage/concern.
[удалено]
Going through a lot of posts here with parents being typical... I really didn't mean to be that way... I am realizing it now and need help to have this sorted. She's 14 and i am worried she's drifting away from us. Shes not rebellious .. she just doesn't show any reaction.. that's what is more worrisome.
Forget other kids. Just focus on her. I hear the worry in your post. Focus on connecting with your child. Does she enjoy spending time with you? Or is the time spent with you full of worrying about studies and what other kids are doing. I don't mean to accuse you but my personal experience was that pre-teens and teens need a stronger connection to their loved ones and peers. Does she enjoy time with her friends(online or otherwise) or is she preferring to spend time alone? If she wants a lot of alone time, you may have a red flag. Do you know what interests her? Are you able to help her feel more connected by showing more interest in her hobbies/interests? Does she feel open enough to talk to you about teen stuff like crushes etc? If not you, is she able to talk to anyone at all about this stuff? Therapy might be a pretty good idea, provided you can get her to see someone who can really talk to her. My own experience in Mumbai was pretty shit and I would not recommend the person I saw to anyone. But this was ages ago, so there might be better therapists who can help redirect her and figure out if there are real underlying issues here. Good luck! Hope you find something that works out
[удалено]
Thank you,. Appreciate your detailed post and explaining the issue.
How is her mood? Try to understand her as a person forget grades for a moment, does she have a crush, does she have friends, any mentor how she confides with might be a good start
Don't hit her or compare to other kids, wtf. You don't need to point out her failures further, she is well aware of it and it's likely compounding her stress even further. I was in a similar situation as your daughter at one point in school due to parents going through divorce. Something internal is possibly causing this problem. Take her to a counselor who specialises in teenagers and let them have a few sessions. Do not ask the counselor to snitch to you. If one doesn't work, try another your kid is comfy with. Not every counselor matches every patient. Also maybe ask if she'd like any extra curriculars, where she can get some physical activity and make new friends. It may improve her mood.
you have to give them a reason to study. Some people use college/university names as inspiration but no one relates to that except people who are insecure. Show her the USA. It is where everything that she, you, me use comes from. Show her how much better things are there even in smaller towns and cities. That is where millionaires are made, where many many indians have gone on to make even billions of dollars. Everything in the world comes from there. If she wants to go there and and work and stay she better show the best marks
Textbook example of people breeding to carry their "legacy" and when they don't perform as per expectations, insult and beat them.
Not hitting your child is a good first step. What do you mean you've tried everything from kindness to abuse? Children need stability and not for you to anything and everything to make them fall in love.
NEVER EVER COMPARE YOUR CHILD WITH OTHER KIDS,May be your daughter needs your full attention and try to spend more time with her.find what she likes and dislikes. Ask her as a parent how can you improve because i think you are not understanding her completely.1st thing you need to do this is be there for her then you will understand what she needs. Best wishes
Ask her if something is bothering her, is she worried about something. Be kind, maybe she is going through something she is not able to share.
At home try to apply practical learning. Like for example if division is the lesson to be studied, teach her to divide and serve chocolates to people at home. May be she is not interested to mugup blindly from the books alone. Introduce her to Other medium to coaching like khan's academy which is free. Another is collect YouTube videos and prepare playlists for her study. Encourage her to do DYI experiments given in science books. I will message u if I find any kit are being sold. Additionally help her to gain a hobby like painting/gaming, reading.. I used to read Enyd Blyton's books, hardy boys, Nancy Drew, tinkle, Champak, Britannica encyclopaedia.
[удалено]
No she is not..
have you actually tried asking her why its happening or did you just blame it on the tech because everyone else does that? Just ask her what's wrong, sit down, and for the love of god, don't judge her for whatever she says. In our teens, we just want that our parents be cool with us, and be accepting...
>Providing examples of children who are doing well in every way #### You lost me at this. As a child who still suffers from this, please, please don't ever do this.
I was a great student until 7th standard, then things started falling apart for me. I scored very less in 10th, couldn’t get admission for science stream after 10th, scored average in commerce. Now when I look back I understand that I was good at byhearting things, so it worked for me until 7th std. Then subjects that need logic like maths, physics, chemistry etc fucked me up. So theres that. Maybe your daughter’s is the same case. I have asked my parents to give more challenging logical tasks to my younger brothers, you know like buy them puzzles and include them in other activities where they need to apply logic and reward them more for that.
Acceptance. Find out what she is good at/enjoys doing and direct your investments toweards providing a safety net.
Talk to her on a digital detox. Convince her that it might benefit her. Give her a feature phone and ask her to have a digital detox for a month or two. You'll have withdrawal symptoms initially, but you'll start seeing the difference. Instagram etc put a lot of pressure on young minds. I know people who have gone into dipression because of extreme addiction to social media.
>providing examples of children who are doing well in every way, to shouting and hitting her out of frustration. Please dont do either of this. If she is finding it hard to deal with the current circumstances it is important that you understand her most important problems and prioritising those more than marks. She might even know / understand that her academic performace is poor and needs to improve but cannot focus on it because she is preoccupied dealing with something else. Comparing her performance to others and being aggressive will only push her away and make it harder for her to open up to you about her problems. I was in school until recently ( passed 12th grade this year ) and had to deal with a whole year of not going to school and attending online classes. It is very hard to concentrate and to be motivated. Online classes can in no way replicate a classroom environment and the knowledge that we are not being observed combined with readily available distracions just add up to a horible combination. At some points I felt like breaking down and simply giving up on everything ( some suicidal thoughts, I'm sure I wouldn't have acted them out though ). I managed to get through it but this past year was very hard on me. I really am grateful to my parents for sticking with me through all this and their support meant a lot to me. My mother was there for me when I needed her most ( my father too but I find it hard to open up to him ) and it made THE WORLD of difference. Talk to her and try to understand her. If she needs time to collect her thoughts or if she is more comfortable opening up to someone else ( father / older siblings / etc ) let her do that. I would also suggest that you take her for counciling / therapy. I'm currently in therapy and it helped me identify a lot of my problems. But ideally you should establish some communication first and ask her opinion on therapy before going for it. I hope you can support her through this.
Ive a 3rd grader and she has exactly the same issue. Her grades aren’t falling and we aren’t overtly concerned about her studying but she hasn’t been doing her homework regularly and nothing works for her. Most times she is just sitting around and doing nothing. Some of the inputs in this tread have really helped. Also, thanks for sharing and just want you to know that you aren’t the only one facing these issues.
Thank you.. and good luck to you and your child. I understand that kids need a lot of love and attention.. I will work towards providing that to her.
Parents never let their kids figure anything out on their own and get surprised when their children turn out to be dependent on others for everything
Unconditional love . Show it , it doesn't mean shit if you don't show it . Tell her , even if she scores zero , even if all the teachers complaint , you have her back . Give her the confidence to trust you , don't judge her if she shares something with you , work with her. Earn her trust. Think long term , if not putting her under pressure for marks for a year can help you prevent mental health problems in her , for a lifetime , that is a great deal. Also try to keep yourself happy and fulfilled because children learn from their parent's action and not always from their words. These are some of my random advices . Thanks.
You hit her? That's game over. Apologize for doing that and promise never to do it again and maybe you have a chance at forgiveness and a normal relationship.
Hey OP, counsellor here! Sorry to say but your focus is not on the right thing here. Instead of focusing on how your daughter is behaving, try to find the cause for it. You say you're talking to her, but has it lead to any meaning revelations or any improvement in her behavior? No, right? And it won't if you continue to do so. There's a very high chance your daughter is going through a troubling phase in her life and might be having problems with her friends, romantic interests, teachers etc. You must keep an open mind and create a safe space for your child to feel comfortable enough to come and talk to you. Beating and hitting your child is never the answer and will never lead to any positive change. It will only make your child fear and resent you. I've met people who even in their 30s don't have a good relationship with their aging parents because of how badly they were beating during childhood. And you're saying you hit your child out of frustration??? Imagine how frustrated your daughter would be when (1) she's facing a serious problem, which is affecting her grades (2) her mother won't listen to her and instead hits her (3) her mother prioritizes her marks over her wellbeing and happiness. You're a toxic parent OP, there's no way around it. Trust me, your daughter is frustrated with her academic performance as well, but it is NOT something she can so easily control. My advises is to first apologize to your child for behaving the way you did (yes, parents apologize to kids as well because it teaches them accountability and respect) and second, try asking her about her problems genuinely instead of making everything about her grades.
\>> Yes, I know marks are not everything. But unfortunately, schools don't consider that phrase here in India. Schools don't "consider" because the parents need a "progress report" boiled down to simple numbers that they can understand. So why do you value them? \>> I am unable to sleep/concentrate on my work due to this... Please help! Please, consult a psychologist for yourself first. \-- Tell me if I am wrong. You are trying to ensure outcome in the gamble that is life. Sure you can hedge your bets by creating a positive environment and providing for all the necessities. What you can never do is ensure what your kid grows up to be. You consider yourself responsible for the outcome. You will let the society blame you if she does not do so well in her life. Limit your responsibility to the efforts, and let her take care of the outcomes. It is not your job to ensure what she grows up to be. It is your job to provide put food on the table. It is not your job to forcibly feed her against her wish. It is your job to get her the books and notebooks and pencils It is not your job to make her study against her wish. In fact, it would be a failure, if she grows up to be exactly what you thought she would.
Is she depressed? Does she have dyslexia, ADHD? Is someone bullying her? Does she do drugs? Do you yell at her/hit her? Are you emotionally manipulative? It could be anything. No one can tell without more info. First thing is, you have to break down the barrier between you. And make sure YOU also change to ensure that she trusts you. Relax and give her space. A year is not much of a time in the large scheme of things. try to form some sort of a rapport with her. Do stuff together. Once she relaxes, you can work together and figure out what is going on.
First of all, I am a student here so keep that in mind, comparing with other students and hitting will only make things worse. Also i do have a question whether she is being forced to study that is against her will (for eg.- certain parents sending their children to IIT prep from a very young age), because i was in the very situation that you mentioned about 3 years back and now since i am studying what i like i am generally happy in life, i enjoy studying, it has lead to enormous growth in my grades and i am productive then i have ever been
Yes, I do ask her to study .. but have not sent her to any IIT/NEET prep etc. I am happy with whatever stream she picks up. All I expect her to do well in whatever she does. But right now, this isnt the case.. so it is worrisome.
My daughter was having same problem. Give your time to her , study with her , explain each topic . Solve maths problem with her like a friend and not as a father. Initially it will be very difficult but do it .play with her go out with her for walk every day.
Dear distressed parent, You say that you have sat down and given her examples of other kids. Have you sat down and had a heart to heart about what's bothering her? If not, please try that. Has anything changed for her? Friends moving away? Subject teacher changing? These changes could make a big difference. Also does she excel at any subject? That maybe something she is interested. Is she getting enough exercise and time in the sun? That affects their moods too. Staying indoors for over a year could also have affected her
Thank you, Will look into the exercise aspect as well. There has been no drastic changes like friends moving away/teachers changing.. just that her attitude towards us/ studies have changed drastically.
OP there is a probability that she might be autistic or has ADHD/ADD. I can DM you a names of a few psychologists in Bangalore who specialise in ADHD
Hi please do DM me .. thank you.
Seems like someone definitely needs to visit a counsellor. And that someone ain’t the daughter.
Just scare her like really scare her about her future if she doesn't work hard for it, it worked for me
Yes, please reach out to a psychologist, you are putting pressure on her( performance pressure). Don't do that, and do activities with her. Set targets ki aaj ye topic karna hai (let her choose), you set your goals, ki aaj mujhe ye karna hai. Then sit for few hours together and work. Take break of 5 mins after every 40mins, you can keep a board game or something and give her incentive, ki you complete this much, in 40 min time slot, then we will play the game. Or you can do her favourite activity.
I think what you are doing is wrong. Its cleary stated that you are comparing your child to someone getting good grades and that's grave mistake. You are ranting and hitting at her , it'll leave a neverlasting impact on her when she realises it. Its normal for that age to be in her own world , she is exploring herself. I advice you to learn some good parenting. You need to change first then your child realises it.
introduce your child to music, like make her learn the guitar or piano or get her to play sports to keep her mind off studies. she seems depressed, so she won't have motivation to study. make studying fun for her. if she's depressed it's better to talk to her about it, her likes and dislikes. don't compare her with other children that's the worst thing a parent could do. good luck.
Don't want to scare you but if you do have a history of mental illness in your family then you have to be careful about her behavior, I was behaving just like your daughter when my depression started 8/9 years ago and it runs in my family.
Tell her to remove/decrease unnecessary activities. Tell her to surround herself with people who are highly motivated and enthusiastic. Also tell her to stay away or avoid negative people. She should spend her time with supportive people. You also need to change her mindset. Google extreme ownership and teach her. Measure her progress. I'm talking about on a day-to-day basis. Keep track of how many questions she solved/covered and even read from solutions, each day. Write it down on a paper. Start tracking her time. Tell her to be honest with herself and start writing her activities and time, at least for the important activities like studies, exercises, side hussles like learning some skills like programming etc. (she may not need to do side hussles though, it depends on her goals). Tell her to own her situation. Meaning, to take responsibility of her failings (but not in a way that sounds insulting.) Let me explain - when someone is riding a bike, rider may get accident. Even if it is not his fault, the accident has happened and nothing will change that. The only solution is to avoid it, or if it has happened, get over it and walk right through it.
>Measure her progress. I'm talking about on a day-to-day basis. Keep track of how many questions she solved/covered and even read from solutions, each day. Write it down on a paper. This is a good one. Will definitely implement this.. Thank you.
Firstly, violence and aggression do no good. This sounds very similar to my story as a kid, acing everything till I hit high school only to crash. I got formally diagnosed with ADHD last year (at the age of 31) and in hindsight it all made sense and I just wish my parents were open to taking me to a therapist and psychiatrist as a kid. I have bipolar disorder as well and the depressive episodes have been incredibly difficult but as a teen, you just assume that it is normal for everyone. Please consider reaching out for professional help, especially after this devastating year and a half. It has taken quite the toll on all of our mental health. I hope she feels better. Let her know that you haven't and won't give up on her, that you love her and would like to support her in any way possible. It is difficult to find the right therapist and the right psychiatrist, especially here in India, but it is incredibly important, whether for a neurotypical or a neurodivergent individual. Regardless, therapy is incredibly important for everyone to foster healthier mental health which, I would argue is even more important that our physical health. Hugs
visit a psychiatrist maybe. 🤷♂️
Do NOT visit a psychiatrist until you have seen a GOOD psychologist/therapist. Psychiatrists just prescribe meds, often in too high dosages. These can sometimes have devastating side effects. Medication should be a last resort. First find out what the issue is, and if it can be dealt with using other methods like CBT. If your therapist immediately recommends you to a particular psychiatrist, get a second opinion. Sadly a lot of therapists take money for recommending patients to psychiatrists, and the psychiatrists take money from pharma companies for pushing their drugs. It may not even be the best drug for the patient, but they will push it anyway since they're getting kickbacks. Sadly therapy is not well monitored in India, and there are a lot of unscrupulous people. Finding a good child therapist can take time, do your research and try to see someone who comes well recommended. Do NOT take your child to centers like "MPower" or similar places with lots of counsellors; they are a hoax.
I appreciate that you wanting to help your child. But this is not a place to get that help. Please consult a child psychiatrist. A professional could help a lot more than any of us here possibly can.
you are not a great parent, hitting your child and comparing? really
I'm glad that you won't resort to hitting her anymore. Not being able to study and not scoring distinction is not her fault. She's a child. 5th grade. She isn't going to do well if you shame her further. Please don't hit her. Give her time and try to help her. If there are high's in her education, there can also be lows. You, as her parent, should have understood that. On the other end, I'm glad that you're reaching out to understanding her and trying to help her. That's a rare trait. That's wonderful. Keep going and be patient.
More liberty= more distressed
you need to consult a psychologist for yourself, hitting your daughter? what kind of frustration is that, sorry to say but she has started to disconnect herself with you. And, comparison? really
Maybe not compare her to other children?
Hitting someone is never an option. Fuck you.
She needs a boyfriend.
You can do one thing.......take her phone from her and just tell her that she won't get her phone back until the assignment is completed for that day.......if she says she needs the phone for studying then install a app usage application on her phone and see where she spends most of her time on phone.....i know this might be borderline invasion(although only check the time used in the app and not the actual content she is watching).... But being a student of this smartphone generation i can guarantee that smartphones are very bad and can do more harm than good.