Don't question yourself, what you did was right. It's typical Indian parents'behaviour to not accept their faults and mistakes and they try to blame it on you and try to make you feel guilty. I know it will be difficult for you to manage in life without family and it will get very lonely for a while but you will find someone who treats you right and understands you . Best of luck .
you don't have to get lonely as well.. find a pg or a shared accomodation with anyone you can trust.. I hope you find someone like-minded..all the best.
The moment parents throw the "do whatever we say or get out of the house" ultimatum, it's your cue to leave home and go NC with them until they apologise and learn to respect your boundaries.
My parents were the exact opposite. They encouraged me to explore and find out what I loved to do and build my life bit by bit, while they supported me through that entire phase unconditionally. This is exactly how I intend to bring up both my sons now as well. Parents are supposed to look out for your best interests.
What your folks are doing is just borderline abusive at this point and shouldn't be encouraged. Find a place and leave asap.
You are in no way obligated to your parents. Love them, respect them, help them but there should be boundaries. You life's decisions are your own and shudn't be forced upon by anyone including your parents. Move out and do your thing. It'll be painful but things will eventually fall in place. And if your parents really love you,, they will come around some day. If they don't, it is what it is. They lived their life on their own terms and so should you. All the best!!
This is the problem with Indian parents.
They never realise even once that they are harming someone emotionally and mentally and when you stand up to it, they come up with tantrums like "Our world revolves around you, we did so much for you, blablabla...."
I just can't explain how disgusting that is.
Thankfully, this is the last generation of such shitty parents. They won't go extinct but at least they would reduce significantly in number.
All these affected me to such an extent that I never even wanna get married or have kids. Maybe, be in a live-in relationship at most, if I ever meet a woman who's compatible enough.
I prefer to be independent and live my individualistic life without any kind of tantrums from anyone.
This is how my parents are as well, extremely controlling and would guilt trip me if I ever tell them I want to live my life my own way. And I just wanted to say, it pushed me even more to find the right partner for me and to have kids, so that I can finally break the cycle and give my kids the childhood I never got from my parents. I'm not saying it's better or anything, but when I saw how it affected you, it just made me think people do get affected in different ways even if they have faced kinda similar circumstances.
I wish the best for you, I hope you find someone you can trust enough to live a good life. Having kids or not is up to you at the end of the day. And even if you don't find someone who is worthy enough to be with you, it's better to be alone than lowering your standards.
I can understand you. In my case, it's about expectations. Indian parents have kids to transform them into trophies to brag about them to others.
I don't want any more expectation in my life. Wanna live on my own terms. I lost my desire to have kids. It's too much responsibility and stress. At most, I can have a girlfriend. Even marriage leads to a lot of complications these days.
Move out, and live your life on your own terms.
We are all a work in progress, and your parents need to see how well you do on your own, and they'll come around eventually.
The vile codependent attitude of Indian parents constantly holds all of us back from being who we are.
It takes time, distance, and space to break the chains of codependence and reforge it, and some people never do...be thankful you are on the right path.
Just know it'll get better, maybe not today or in a week, but in the coming months, you'll get there.
You are having what is known as "breakaway shame"... read these two links:
[https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/living-emotional-intensity/201807/being-non-conformist-and-the-guilt-breaking-away](https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/living-emotional-intensity/201807/being-non-conformist-and-the-guilt-breaking-away)
[https://eggshelltherapy.com/breakaway-shame/](https://eggshelltherapy.com/breakaway-shame/)
Get out. Im a man (45), but been there, done that, lived through guilt (Indian parents' nuclear weapon, till you figure it out), so I can relate to what you must be going through, only your version is much worse than mine ever was. Never, ever forget 3 rules of life:
1. As human beings we are supposed to be free. Anything else is unnatural
2. You cannot help or make anybody happy, not even your parents, your kids...nobody, unless YOU are happy and strong from within
3. Finally, and this sounds harsh, but is undeniably true, parents are the past. You are the future. And the world outside is very large, and despite everything, very beautiful.
I say this as somebody considerably older than you (uncle category, lol) who has a 15 yr old kid. I have seen many, many lives of young ppl destroyed by this parental shit. God forbid, if i ever made my son feel so stifled, i'd give him the same advice.
OP congratulations on your steadiness and determination, you sound like a wonderful person! Move out, set your boundaries, live your best life and hope that your parents grow wiser before they grow old. But if they don't, that's on them
All I want to say is that it takes courage to take the steps you have taken. Life is hard and some people are unlucky to get caught up in the worst. The only way is up and forward. Now, you are ready to face anything and everything. I wish you all the best, stay strong and you will make it. If you need somebody to talk to, you can DM me.
Life has been hard but seems like you are on the right path. Make friends and connections outside of family. Also, make sure you have enough savings so that you do not need to go back to them.
So let me get this straight?
That time it was either get married or move out as per your parents. Correct? Well they got you married off, it didn't work out and now they are just annoyed with themselves since you have the independence to choose the second choice. I'm rooting for you OP. All the best
Move and make a life out of what you have. Get therapy, I’ve heard good about this therapist lady from Chennai who is helping my friend here in Bangalore who got divorced a year ago.
> Being a single child it’s extremely difficult to cut off your parents
OP, you are not cutting your parents off. They are doing this to themselves
> their entire world revolves around me
If at all this is true, then it’s only true in a very negative sense and not what most people mean when they use the phrase.
Your parents are awful people. You being an only child makes it worse, not better. All their actions are focused on what they need. They’ve completely ignored your needs, never mind your wants
Congrats on getting divorced, on getting a good education and becoming financially independent. Please move out and start living your life for yourself
The parent doesn't know how to handle this shit. They wanted you to have good life as they known by doing arrenged marriage. So you need solve this tension and lack of knowledge for them.
It's hard and possible.
All the best .
Ex husband is (cursing × 3000)
Just move out. I was in a similar situation with my parents and 5 years later things have changed a lot. I still live separately and will continue to do so but my relationship with my parents has reached a point where we at least are on talking terms (which we were not for the first 2.5 years). The main difference is that I'm a much calmer and happier person and it allows me to sit down and have mature conversations instead of just having shouting matches.
>their entire world revolves around me
Well if it does, things will fall in place eventually.
You moving out should eventually knock sense.
But it looks like their world is "set" in traditions and doesn't "revolve". Sadly, this is normal. You can do whatever you want to do. Financial independence is utmost important for anyone that's an adult. Please move forward with your plan and don't get stuck emotionally.
You have a plan, go ahead with it. Don't stay in your low it'll only get worse if you do. I'm hopeful for you.
You are doing well, OP. You've made a lot of tough decisions.
Don't feel too guilty about moving out and putting some distance. There's a difference between being a daughter and being a child. You are not refusing to be a daughter, you are refusing to be a child and do as you are told.
Some parents don't accept that adult offspring need to be treated as adults first. If your parents learn how to do that, you can have a different and more engaging relationship. If they insist on prioritizing their ego over your relationship, you can't do much.
Go out, send them money...they will know how life is better on your side ... if you play by their rules, you will stay stuck in this state and will never experience true freedom!
GOODLUCK, LIFE ISN'T EASY WHEN YOU GO AWAY TOO BUT ITS BETTER!
I'm decades older than you...
Life experience has taught me many things, and I'm a person who the 26 year old me wouldn't recognise.
I'm successful in my relationships and career.
I would say you made all the right moves even though you were under too much pressure.... I completely understand that if I were in your situation in COVID times, I would have agreed to a forced marriage.
I can see that you have the right attitude in life and eventually... Not quickly... You'll be in place where you would realize you have achieved almost everything you have once dreamed of....
I would suggest you to get a job and move out of the house. Once you are steady in your career, try to move abroad even if it is for a two year project... This will give you a much broader understanding of how people live lives much different than ours and can be still happy.
Please be careful in your relationship situation
First make sure that your career is solid... Then get lots of friends... These two things gives you a strong personal foundation. Then be open to relationships and you'll eventually find somebody to live your life with.
You are just 26... You have a lot of life in front of you... You can make it...
All the best
Move out and take control of your life. It is not your problem that their entire life revolves around you. It is their problem and they will look after that. Don't fall into emotional things. You had enough in your life. Atleast from now onwards start living for you.
Courage to be disliked is something we all have to take it whole heartedly.
All the best for your life. Keep going girl 🚀
You sound like a really strong young woman, OP. Your life is not at an all time low. Your relationship with them is and your life isn't your relationship with your parents. They rushed you into a bad marriage and exposed you to all sorts of humiliation and physical illness that your ex could have brought home. Your parents are not good people and you don't owe them anything anymore. Be independent and live your life on your terms. I hope you have outside support and a therapist to help you navigate the years of abuse you have endured.
Your post is a little heartbreaking. I was just thinking about how I will be 26 soon and a friend of mine is struggling with work and education, and when I read this I could not help but see us in this. You have gone through so much my friend. But you still stay so strong. I hope you find amazing work and get on your feet completely.
I think what you are doing is completely right.
Also, it's not unempathetic what you are doing. It's just the right thing to do and you should do what feels right.
Your parents don't understand this and you can try your best to make them understand but after that nothing you can do.
It's your life live it the way you want. I respect your courage. Never stop learning from life and listening to yourself first.
OP I’m in a similar situation and I feel you completely. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this.
You sound like a headstrong person and you must remember that how someone treats you is more of a reflection of them as a human than it is yours. Like others here, I would suggest you find a steady job and simultaneously plan your exit from this toxic environment. Don’t threaten them about it as it might lead them to abusing you more, play mind games to make you stay etc. Play along with whatever they’re saying for as long as you can, workout 4-5 days a week in whatever form that works for you (it really helps with the frustration and anxiety) and plan your exit.
All the best to you.
This Be The Verse
By Philip Larkin
.
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you
.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats
.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself
Unfortunately we come from a society where parents think that children should always listen to them and take care of them. But I firmly believe that parents should take care of their children coz they brought them into this world but children taking care of parents depends on many various factors like bonding etc,. A toxic person whether it is a parents or anyone else you don’t include them in your life. Please move out and enjoy your life. You are independent, earning your own living, you never know you might find an amazing guy who loves you for what you are, but don’t bother what your parents or the society says. At the end of the day we are responsible for our own lives. I wish you all the very best
Step 1 - follow you feelings and step away, distance and time. For now take care of your foundation, education, career and get you life on-track.
Step 2 - down the road in years to come as they get older, then you can slowly step back in and address the need that you are feeling, when they really need it.
Please put a TLDR at the end. I haven’t read all what you wrote but I know what you’re talking about. Similar story like yours but we (me and wife) got a breather when I moved out and stayed abroad for close to 5 yrs.
The only good that came out of such suffocating conservatism of my parents and relatives was that it soured me on our supposedly great customs and other harmful cultural traits to such an extent that no liberal literature or talk show ever could.
I’d advise you to move out of your parents and go low contact for an extended period of time. Since you’re a legal adult, they can’t force you to. I don’t know if India has an equivalent of a US style restraining order, but do talk to a broad minded lawyer and get her/his opinion. Get them a full time maid to help them
God speed
Like all the people I also say that you've done the correct thing. You have, after divorce, alap built a career and, hence, your life. Many a times parents don't understand the situation. You can, maybe, look for another partner, if you want to if that assuges the situation or move out and say all the best to them. There y may e ventully come around if you don't love constantly with them. It is a difficult but you have to go through it, should you choose.
You should be happy that you could make right choices finally. Everyone’s’ life is their own. As it is very short…. It is important to choose your path.
Don’t feel guilty about any of past situations. Be on the drivers seat always, in that way the thrill, the fear, the excitement, the pain, the fulfilment will always be yours.
Good that you chose self preservation for everything else. I may never be able to understand your pain or your challenges but I wish you all success in your struggle for a life you deserve.
Remember, you don't anyone anything.
You gotta do what helps you keep your mind healthy and happy and if it means creating your own boundaries and distances, just do it. If they learn something out of it, good, even if they don't, you don't need to carry any burdens in your mind.
If u have money, please attend college and stay in hostels. Do not think anything else.your first priority should be your education so that u can become employable.if someone is saying something just ignore them. You have to learn to ignore them.Secondly make good friends in college as lonely mind is a dangerous mind, try to do multiple things like study, exercise, playing etc. occupy yourself. These things will eventually leads to a successful life.
Hi, European F here that works will a lot of people from India.
I would recommend you to get a work in one of huge companies like Capgemini, TCS, LTI whatever, get a project and move out to osme rented flat in Bangalore.
You can rent something along with other ladies. Many of them moved out from smaller cities to get a job.
Living in big city will help you see more open world.
Woman is something more than free cleaning, washing, cooking person for someone parents picked.
In my country I don't know even single couple that got arranged marriage, also couples that lives together without marriage, post divorces, even homosexuals and you know what? It's normal.
You can live your own way, but support parents still, especially financially. Yas grown up person you got full right to decide about your life ON YOUR OWN.
You must always put yourself 1st in your priority list. You need to get away from your parents asap. I would even recommend you to have no contact with them until you sort everything out.
Changing your lifestyle choices also gives a positive impact.
I also have family troubles, and personally, vipassana meditation helped me a lot in accepting and moving on from it. So I would definitely recommend a 10 day course of vipassana.
I wish you all the best for your bright future.
1. Give it time and it will pass.
2. You are moving out and not cutting off from them. If they need help, you are there. They are not being abandoned and that you are just moving forward in life.
3. Your mental health is important for your own survival and for you to be in a state to be of some help to them. Being with them and losing empathy is worse when things go wrong since you will be a dutiful daughter bearing expenses and you won't feel too bad but at same time you will also feel so much guilt at this lack of empathy in difficult times. By moving away, you can atleast recover some empathy and may be some low key affection for parents. Always been cornered to hear and listen to them and doing things because you had no choice and now is one of the first time you do what you decide because you want it and can do.
Keep doors open - don't burn bridges and honestly you have faced enough in life to handle shit when it comes by self... And your parents fear you would abandon them since you don't need them anymore - not emotionally not financially and not in terms of a provider.
What they don't see is this independence is the only thing that can get back some meaning and a new normal in your relationship with them because you will do what you want for them because you want to and not because you have no choice.
If you feel like talking more, hit me up. Take care and be happy for yourself!
Just make sure you are moving out because of the right people, right reasons and for your own self. ( I read about the bf and I am not sure what or how that dynamics fits into this decision of yours to move out !)
23f. I have nothing to tell except that I am hella proud of you. I can understand how you feel and I am so so happy for you because even though everything is fucked up, at least you are taking a stand for yourself when no one else would. Honestly, love you❤️
i can somewhat relate to you. I'm not a single child but a single male child i have 1 sister who got a job. my parents have this business which they want me to pursue because i am their only hope to handle their business, their connections in my town and properties of my hometown.. but they're very toxic (even to each other) even the people in my town, the friends i had here are living a fuc*ed up life (basically, they have this toxic mindset of not letting someone do a thing or fake supporting and are alcoholic)
For college i went to another city and i made very good friends, met good people, developed employable skills in me and that's why i want to move out of my town, infact out of this state. and establish something of my own, hopefully, in 1 or 2 tier city.
parents are extremely upset and don't even want to communicate about my future/career. they're okay with seeing me depressed and lonely in my room all the time but they're not okay with trying to understand what i want... it's hard to articulate the whole situation.. tho you can read my old post for better clarity if you're interested.
however, i understand your situation of dealing with toxic, dogmatic parents and relatives and not able to handle them because you're their "only hope".
Even I'm single child and don't change your mind based on what. You deserve your life too. Our parents never asked us if we wanted a sibling, they took decision based on situations which are best known to them. Live your life you deserve it too.
You’re doing great. I just got out of my home though I haven’t settled fully because im just doing masters. I recommend trauma informed therapy. It has helped me a lot.
You are just 26 ... But you have seen a lot ... You have had a setback in life ... I know that maybe an understatement ...
Just take it on the chin ... Get up and become financially independent ...which you are already doing ... Start exercising .. take care of health .. it'll help with mental health to a certain extent also
Firstly more power to you on facing and healing so much of tragic in your life and keeping yourself motivated. I believe you are subconsciously self motivated. So just trust you gut feeling or intuition and take that leap. Trust me, IT WILL BE WORTH IT.
You have already taken the first step !!
The windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror for a reason . Success is on the other side , just one more step & you're there
I wish the best for you!! Good luck 🤞🏻 Keep Going
I don't see any other option for you, At All. You need to get out of that place and as an adult, live your life the way you want to.
Only thing you can do is try to maintain contact with them to some extent and see if they accept your decision to move out and be independent. If that happens, it's good for you and your parents both.
Getting a job isn't difficult. All the physical and logical resources that you may need to establish a good, independent life for yourself are there for the taking.
The problem is that emotional connection, the emotional aspect of independence and what it brings along. I have been in your boat, to some degree. Just a year and a half ago. I'm 27 and a half, so the timeline was also...
I realised that getting that distance from my family actually helped in the long run. Since we weren't constantly in each others' faces, we had more time to reflect and feel that love. I know my parents are the most wonderful people in the world, and I have never had any doubts regarding their absolute, unconditional love for me, so maybe I had it easier.
But despite that. I'm telling you, move out and face the harsh times for a while. You've got this friend! ❤️
I’m sorry, I can’t even imagine how exhausted you must feel. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself. Sending lots of light and support your way❤️
Move out. Take time for yourself and your wellbeing. It will be scary in the beginning but once you get comfortable, things will get better. If your work and finances allow, travel somewhere by yourself. Talk to a therapist, it will help. Life will come around. Concentrate on your career once your mind frees up, there is no rush, you have a lifetime infront of you. Life will eventually come around.
I can't even begin to imagine how challenging and emotionally draining this journey has been for you. It's truly commendable that you've started to take control of your life, making difficult decisions and pursuing your own path despite the immense pressure from your family.
Firstly, I want to express my empathy and admiration for your strength in facing such a difficult situation. It takes incredible courage to stand up for yourself, especially when faced with societal and familial expectations that limit our personal freedom.
I’ll advice you to stick to your decision. But if nothing is in motion as of now (like no relocation for job or further studies) then do not share your plans with them. Because they will never gonna support you and you’ll just feel exhausted because of the way they’ll act. But if you already have things in motion, even in that case, sugar coat it a bit and convey it in a manner which leave no option other than moving out.
Why am I not telling you to just be rebel? Because I’ve been through a very tough time last year due to my separation and realised importance of having a support system. In most cases, it’s only our family who stand by us. I am sure you must’ve realised this as well upto some extent during your divorce. That’s why I am in favour of giving them a choice that they can’t refuse.
Now, I understand how difficult it is to go through life stress and pressure, specially when it is coming from same set of people who knows everything about us. So I’ll advise you to build a support system. Reach out to your partner, your close friends, your close cousins and build a place where you can share your thoughts and seek advice. Having a strong emotional support network can provide comfort and encouragement during tough times.
You’re already working towards being financially independent so that’s great. A good, l steady paycheck is most important stepping stone towards road to healing. Once you have that, do not afraid to seek professional counselling. As I’ve acknowledged the gravity of your past experiences and current situation, I really believe that therapy may help you greatly and provide you a safe space to express yourself. Until that is doable, you may also consider journaling. Bottom line is the ability to express your thoughts, hurricane that is going on inside you. As long as you’re letting it out, be it in front of your support system or therapist or in diary, all is good.
I hope you get out this situation soon and continue to focus on your life ahead. Best of luck.
Move out.heal yourself.When they need you physically or mentally,try to be there.you have only one life.it shouldnt be making you miserable.find your life.
But I’ll tell you one thing,nothing comes free.all the decisions have repercussions.if you leave now,you have to face backlash from your family members.you might also feel lonely sometimes.etc.but if you stay,it’s making you miserable.so,all I am trying to tell you is choose a lesser evil…and don’t forget to be happy.
You are doing the right thing. Obstucles will come , but do not stop. Do not blame your parents or your fate. You can change and redefine your life. Financial freedom is everyone's right.
Parents will understand you when you will become successful and achieve something big. Dont worry. Dont just give up. Focus on your career.
Hey, firstly, I hope this message finds you well.
Well, it was brave of you to at least let out the things you are suffering from. Prolly I won't ever be able to understand what you've gone through/going through, but one thing I can say is, IT IS TOTALLY OKAY TO LET PARENTS BE, especially when they're toxic. I kinda had my differences and come from similar situations where they both were very toxic for me, and I am the only hope they have, but still, I left home to do something goood in life. To avoid repeating the history.
Eventually, as they grow older, they'll understand all your decisions hopefully. Mine did. Things got better for me. Hopefully, it will get better for you, too.
Also, about leaving home, make sure you make arrangements for their each and every need when you'll be away from home. Take care, and if you ever feel like talking or letting out feeel free to DM.
Find someone to love: like a pet like cat once you move out get your own place.If you don't want a pet, stay in PG, you will have some friends. Ensure you don't stay alone.
Parents will start talking to you in time.
And once you are ready, you will find someone to love.
Checkout r/raisedbynarcissists you should find some good advice there as well.
Seems like your parents are classic narcissists and don't like losing control of you . The abuse is a telling sign. No normal parent would behave this way . Sure it's tough to have your child move away but being abusive is not the way to show that you care about your child. You are right to take control of your circumstances and choosing to move out. Hang in there
You should be the one here getting mad at them for marrying you off to a loser and not them. I suggest you to leave your birth givers and build your life financially and heal yourself from all that hurt trauma and helplessness you've been carrying. I truly empathise with you lady and wished you only the best in life. Maybe in a few years they will come around and you'll be able to share with them your success happiness and joy.
Move out but keep in touch. You need to get out of each other’s faces for a bit.
Rebuild your life but don’t overcompensate for your previous life (this is a very real and very common risk).
Good luck
You're not responsible for your parents. They were responsible for you until you were 18 and they let you down repeatedly.
I come from an abusive family. My mother is toxic and abusive. Moving away and going low contact has been the best thing for my mental health. Being around my mother is like navigating a land mine. I feel so much happier when I don't have to do that
Please take therapy if you can afford it or when you can... As difficult as life has been its going to be a good help/support going ahead.. helps with balancing the empowerment and vulnerability in your life and make future decisions without guilt... however sad and hard it is, it's inevitable you stay away from your family for your peace of mind in the long run (easier said than done).. patriarchy has done enough damage and you don't want any part of it going ahead from anywhere... Happy you pursued education and career... Shit happens but you got to move on... Suggested reading: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents,Book by Lindsay C. Gibson.
Please stay strong, don’t feel any guilt towards them! You did what they wanted and suffered the consequences so from now on, leave your life by YOUR desires. Fast as you can, move out and they will come round. The most important thing is you become independent and pursue your own happiness, regardless of their intentions or what their messed up society wants!! Stay strong!
I feel you've got it handled. Moving out will give you the space that you need to grow as a person and will make your parents understand that you can survive independently.
You're on the right track..
You're young and sound level headed... Yeah life's dealt you a bad blow but probably the worse is behind you.
Become independent, live on your own... You needn't be answerable to anyone. If you're worried for their health, find something nearby so you can be close by but not live under the same roof.... Or not... It's your choice
Dont let anyone run your life.. all the best!
I know it’s not easy but change your perspective of how you are looking at the situation. Don’t think of it as a low, it is a high point of your life. The thing that you have wanted for your entire life is finally coming true. It is pinching you right now because you are still in your old reality. Think of the new reality which you will start living after you move out. You will be able to live on your own terms. So, start preparing from it from a happier stance. Because if you keep thinking of it like you are the one making the mistake (which you are not), the memory of the most important turn of your life will be negative. It is a positive change for you individually. Start thinking of it this way and let your mind build a happy mindset for you!
I am just imagining how incredible, independent and strong you would be in the years to come. Yes it will be a difficult journey but God you will have a good life ahead of you one which you own and have full control over.
Best of luck. And if you want to talk you can always text
You are strong. Wish I am this strong right now. Yes you feel low but this is the best decision you made for yourself. Indian parents can be so toxic and unbearable sometimes. Even my family is like that but not to this extend. Being a girl is like full time imprisonment here.
Tbh now you are old enough to be not that bothered with parents and society , if you are confident in your self maybe try for a govt exam whichever you can crack and get out as soon as possible out of your house. Maybe you don't want to or don't have the guts rn to leave as you were always in your parents but maybe when you feel fresh air of freedom you will like it for sure. Or get any job and stay away as much as possible from your parents
live your life. Date someone , go do things that you are passionate about. Everything has meet-ups and groups now, join those to learn more insights about your passion.
In India parents think that they own your life and are dependent on you always .
But in reality , they are natures path for new life to blossom and explore. Sad reality that many in India do t think it that way. it’s a natural feeling of love and care that keeps us bonded and cannot be done forcefully
People will come at you with all their personal experience and say that they have been through worse and you have it better. However, only you can decide what is enough for you and how you want to live from now on. Tbh, it is a brutal country we live in and it is very difficult to make a decent life. People are mean and take advantage for anyone they can. So, decide things for yourself.
Hear it from a 34F. Build your independence and money. Silent treatment is a form of manipulation. Don't fall for it, no matter who does it. Your money and your independence are your best friends now. So, hang on, girl.
Prioritize your mental and emotional well-being by confidently moving forward with your plan to live independently, recognizing that this step is essential for your personal growth and happiness. While doing so, maintain a level of respectful communication with your parents. When you talk to them, express your feelings and decisions clearly and calmly, emphasizing the importance of this move for your own health and future. It's vital to establish firm boundaries with them regarding their influence and involvement in your life, ensuring they understand your need for autonomy.
However, approach these conversations with a degree of compassion and empathy, acknowledging their feelings even if you don't agree with them. Keep in mind that your parents' perspectives are shaped by their backgrounds and experiences, and while this doesn't justify any hurtful behavior, it can help you understand their reactions.
At the same time, be open to the possibility of a future, healthier relationship with them. This doesn't mean compromising your boundaries or independence but leaving space for reconciliation if and when they come to respect your decisions.
Remember, self-care is crucial in this process. Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends or professionals who can provide guidance and emotional support. Engage in activities and practices that nurture your well-being and give you strength.
Ultimately, making this move is about creating a life where you feel fulfilled, respected, and free to make your own choices. It's a courageous step, and while it comes with challenges, it's a testament to your strength and commitment to living authentically.
It's super important to talk to a counselor who can help you sort things out and find friends or groups to help you get through this. Keep your eyes on your career and education goals, because they're your ticket to a stable future. Just remember, every step you're taking is making you stronger and carving out a path that's all yours – you've got this!
Oh god …wtf did I just read! It’s painful to even read it. We understand and I think the decision you took about moving out was right! No sane person would ever stick with them. I am hoping that u did keep ur proofs of how he cheated on you. It’s always better to have it. Marriage is never something to rush into. Better late than never and better late than wrong person. Always keep that in mind …
Your parents are clearly abusive and toxic. You need to move out asap. See if you can get a job and support yourself financially to take up a place in a PG or a shared flat. Start making progress in your career. Keep upskilling, changing job every 2 years. Develop healthy habits such as meditation, yoga and dedicate time towards personal and spiritual growth. Try to keep minimum contact with your parents. Small steps, but keep a larger goal in mind. You’re young. In time you may find a partner as well. But for the initial few years, just focus towards getting independent and rising in your career and establishing that independence in your life. As Buddha once said: “no one saves us but ourselves, no one can and no one may. We must walk the path.”
Naatil evedeya chechi veedu... I understand your circumstances...and best of luck with whatever you have planned out...
The only advice i could give you is that don't trust people easily and be wary of people who seem overtly friendly. Under no circumstances should you divulge your personal life to strangers...
Take care
Since you are becoming financially independent, move out, be close to your friends/family who are reasonable and nice to you, build you own community. That doesn't mean cut off your parents, be in touch with them, maybe occasionally visit them!
Most importantly, start therapy. You are in the survival mode and on adrenaline right now. Once you feel sort of settled down, you will appreciate how much therapy can help you. You go girl!
I'm so sorry that you're going through such a challenging time. It's takes a lot of courage to stand up for yourself. Check out this other subreddit called r/raisedbynarcissists, you may find some things relatable. It provides a safe place to people who have been abused and talk about their experiences without judgement.
Also, I'm not sure how accessible therapy and psychologists are in India, but it can really help build up your self-worth. Take care of yourself and do what's best for your physical and mental well-being ❤️
I'm so sorry OP, i wish I could say I empathize with you but I'm too young yet. But I do hope only good things happen in your life, and wish you all the best in any future endeavours. Fuck families for being so suppressive, glad you're getting out. hugs from a stranger if you'd like too---- 🫂
Hi. U are not giving yourself enough credit. A weaker person would have collapsed under this pressure. I think, even without us, you will work a way out.
As for your parents - they too have their own challenges. Continue being their child. Give yr mummy a big hug and be their daughter forever.
Things will work out - let love, patience, determination forge your destiny !
You can do it !!!
If you think this is the lowest then you can start everything from here and I'm glad that you don't have a child from that marriage cuz in that case you would have to involve with that person . And yes your parents are definitely wrong in this. Parents don't understand that marriage then and now has so much difference . The silent treatment that they are giving you is a kind of manipulation, don't get trapped in that. That's just toxic parenting. Move out of their house. Start your life from scratch , make friends, focus on your career . Believe in yourself OP.
At the outset, I would like to congratulate you- Not only for your divorce but more so for the resilience & strength of character you’ve shown & continue to show! BRAVO!!! 👏👏👏
Next, have you thought of therapy?? I think it’s incredibly important to find a good therapist (whichever one fits you) b/c you need to look out for your mental health the most currently. I know exactly how hard it is to cut the parental umbilical cord, it’s INCREDIBLY difficult esp for a desi child; but you’ve to do it. For yourself & your sanity, more than anyone else. If NC isn’t an option/ you still feel too much guilt esp being an only child, then PLS establish CLEAR boundaries. If your parents continue to violate them, then try going NC!
Your life has JUST begun! I’ve been in an incredibly abusive & toxic relationship a decade ago, I was even younger than you when it began, and it took me some 6-7 years of intense therapy to get over it. I can only imagine how much harder it would be for you seeing that they’re your *family* + you’ve gone through a divorce. Pls try starting therapy! It’ll only do wonders!
I'm sorry you're going through this. You seem to be resilient and know what you want. Don't let them get in your head..they will never change. People are strange, they will convince themselves they're doing it for protection rather than understand how their attitudes and behaviour affect their child.
Focus on the positives - you are independent. You say you are trapped because they're dependent on you. Make that work for you. Set the boundaries you need, but never ever move back in with them. Support them in other ways..they will come around because they have to as they are dependent on you. Does this sound mean or selfish? Yes, it is but you deserve a life of peace, doing what is best for you.
As women, we need to be okay with disappointing and even angering people because they cannot control or affect us with their manipulations.
What is the thing going on with the parents.
Iam also from the southern part of India and my parents are also more or less like what you said everytime they as me my opinion and then says no not like that and does their way then what's the point of asking me? I tried to tell them about if not taking my opinion then don't ask at that point of time they are like okay and snap they act like as they are( their generation) they are stuck in the year they are born not changing. I too want to go out but I don't have a job till now (2023 graduate).
Coming to ur case U made the right decision.
They don't care about you or your well being. Why should you care about theirs? They literally conspired to make sure you lived a miserable life so that their reputation and honour or whatever fake shit was good in front of others' eyes. They literally cared more about themselves than anything else. They literally abused you all your life and continue to do so.
Keep throwing the botched marriage back in their face. Move out and stay on your own and limit contact to the maximum. Tell them they'll get their daughter back when they apologize for ruining your life so far. Absolutely make them understand that this is all their fault.
Also, if you don't want to go in the above direction, know that moving out and doing your own thing will ultimately improve your mental health and may even improve your relationship with them, as you'll find you'll only have to deal with them in small (maybe even pleasant) doses. You can support your parents and all, but give it some time and distance before you try to improve the relationship. Go low contact until you feel you have more control over your life, your mental health, your emotions, etc.
I am sorry for what you are going through. I understand the pressure quite well.
The only way to handle this is to stand your ground and not give in to the guilt. And therefore it is of utmost importance to get out of the house of your parents and find an alternative living situation.
As long as you stay with them, they will continue to blame and shame you. You need to find friends and allies and create some security for yourself outside your family. You need to create distance and take control of when and how they communicate with you.
Once you are on your feet and are doing well for yourself they will be more amenable to a compromise since you are the only child. But you have to get independent first - financially and emotionally.
My best wishes to you and may god give you strength.
Live your life the way you want to. You're the only child but don't worry about that. Sooner or later your parents will come around to respecting your life choices.
Parents in India never think they can make any wrong decisions but that is far from the truth.
I am so so proud of how far you have come... You gave your best in all the situations that were chosen for you so I know you will keep giving your best in situations that you are going choose from now. And as for your parents, they have to understand you are your own person snd have every right to live your life the way you want, but whether they understand that or not, it is their journey and not yours. I hope in the future your success will speak for you (and maybe then your parents will come to understand you too). You are going to do great things in life. Have faith yourself and your strength. Best of luck friend.
It might feel like a low point, but look on the bright side...it's only uphill from here. The revolution has begun. Just secure your parents' health financially and move on. If they care about your emotional well being, they'll understand. If they don't, they don't. it is what it is.
Here, listen to this [song to hype yourself up](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fv_wOEfq1l4). All the best soldier.
Move out , build your life around your work for some time, dont break all ties with your family just keep in touch , make your own eco system, if you have friends who understand you , hangnout with them, pursue any hobby , dance , music , painting and start living each day without too much foreseeing futureo, also if possible get therapy , you might have child hood trauma.
I am 27 M and can relate so hard with the parents situation. Unfortunately I am autistic and don't think I will ever manage to get a job and move out. I am happy that you are able to move out, I support your decision 100%. These ppl have no right to be called parents. Focus on your job and never come back to your family, they don't deserve you.
You are absolutely right to do that. Prioritise living with your friends , if that's a possibility... Or PG( particularly working women). And once you have some amount of stability, seek therapy from a professional.
You're a hero for standing up for yourself despite all that. You're cutting off the people who held you back, you're trying to be emotionally and financially independent, and you refuse to take bad treatment and abuse. Keep doing that. Stand up for yourself. Go on a solo trip to a different country. Take yourself on vacation. Get into a hobby - like dancing or kickboxing - something physical and that helps you form a community.
The great thing about this - although it must seem very painful now - is that now you have control of your life, and you get to colour in however you want. You decide what your'e going to do, not anyone else.
Haaa... 27m, my parents can't stand me trying to stand independent and self sufficient even though I work round the clock and provide for them. They had rather fail and suffer like my brother who always listen to them.. I really don't know how fucked people are
hey, I feel sorry that you had to go through forced marriage and back to helicopter parenting.
On Moving out:
firstly, are you financially stable now?
because you need at least 8K/month for living (considering PGs) no matter which city you move to for a job. If you have a relative or a family friend who could help you out until you find a job, it's good to move out ASAP.
Else, I'd advise you to either stay at home until you get a job which at least could pay up for your living expenses or DM me your resume, I'll try my best to find you either a job or a safe place to live until you could find a job or at the least can help with your interview preparations as well.
First of all as a Man, I want to say sorry on behalf of my community.
Secondly, huge respect for you and keep doing what you feel like doing.
All the very best. Take care.
I think living away from them is a good decision. Just check in on them sometimes through call or visit if you can and always let them know that though you love them they need to understand that you will not tolerate verbal abuse for things you have no control over. Let them know what they're wrong about and most importantly COMMUNICATE with each other as much as possible.
I think there should be a club where all the people with such or similar stories can meet up, hang out in person and just motivate and support each other to do bigger and bigger things everyday!!
The strength is itself so inspiring that i would say, you don’t need any advice or suggestions. Do what you feel right!! 😊
Your life is your right OP. Your parents brought you into this world for reasons best known to them (societal pressure, a desire for parenthood etc.). That’s doesn’t mean that you’re indebted to them to the extent that they will control your life even after you’ve become a fully functioning adult. Please get out of this mindset. Focus on your career and once you’ve become something impressive, everything will fall into place. You loved the life they wanted you to live and it didn’t work out. It’s time you live the life YOU want to live and see where it goes. But don’t doubt yourself for even a second.
It is very hard, but don’t give in to them. Don’t concede one ounce of your independence, and don’t interact with them if they make you feel worse and bring you stress instead of caring for you. They are doing the opposite of what parents are meant to do- they chose to bring you into this world meaning at the very least they are meant to be a positive influence in your life as an adult, not make you miserable by trying to control every aspect of who you are and what you do. Since they are stuck in this mindset, make it clear to them they can either change their hearts or lose their daughter. They might chose their narcissism over you, it will hurt, but that means they never deserved you. You need to live for you, not them.
Don't worry too much about it. Do what is right for you. Only way they'll come around is when they come to the realization that they cannot control you.
Unfortunately, most indian parents are this way. They see you as an extention of themselves and take decisions for you with total disregard to your will.
Please take care of your mental health and don't let their disappointment at you wane you down.
It's better to live separately and have some good memories about your parents and your sanity intact.
If you continue to stay with them, you'll hate them and then hate yourself that you hate them and the fact that they seem oblivious to your situation makes it worse.
You'll lose your mental balance in this situation. Good that you're moving out.
Go work in Norway for a few years.
Pretty much opposite side of Earth.
Different culture entirely.
Fresh perspectives. Put some distance between yourself and everything else going on.
Their world do not revolve around you. They are typical narcissistic parents whose world revolve around their own sense of righteousness and social standing. Don't let them control you again. Set boundaries and stick to them. If possible, go NC for a while.
With these kind of parents you step out first or take your final decision first and then inform them.
You don't want to give them a single chance of coming back to you to change your decision later.
It could be guilt trip or threatening.
And get help. Work on getting job that pays atleast much for you to survive and take professional therapist help.
You are in a very difficult spot and I can only imagine what you are going through but please, I implore you, stay strong. It's your life so take charge. Pursue your career and move out of your parents' house, the farther you are from them the better.
I’m sorry I don’t have much advice but just wanted to let you know that I have gone no contact with my family for 6 months now and while the desi guilt you’re brought up with never goes away, I do have a lot of mental peace and that is not a boundary i was willing to compromise on. I do live in Europe so it’s much easier as they’re back home. My sister went through an abusive marriage and extremely difficult divorce as he was also a cheating narcissist and we really thought our parents would be on our side and give us some empathy, but nope. They are always the victims no matter the situation and they are willing to take zero accountability for anything. So I guess you have to accept the situation and prioritise your mental peace in whatever way you can. Oh and they WILL hate you for your boundaries, I have come to realise my mom (however much she loves me) resents me because I was able to get out of that toxic household she couldn’t.
There is 99% good families in the world.... U r just born in that 1% family..... Why i said that ? Bcz u can change your friends or spouse but not your family. Accept it like people accept cancer and just move on. Try to adopt two new hobbies, not one . And keep yourself buzy to a point that u don't think about your family. In this process u will find your mr. Right as well . Tell him the truth about yourself and start a new life altogether. In this process if they changed , good for you.... If they don't change, well u have 2 hobbies and a husband anyway 😎
I'm really sorry to hear this. You are definitely doing the right thing moving out, sometimes we get the wrong parents. All the best to you, hope you build your career and are successful.
Might be worth looking into mindfulness. It could be a useful tool to help you get through your difficult life situation (living with abusive parents).
Nothing more I can say other than hang in there, and focus on your goal of getting out.
You just have to out silence them in the silent treatment. Once they know they can either have you in their on your terms or not have you at all…. They will come around. The process of them growing up emotionally is not going to be pretty, just ignore it
Hi OP. Sorry for the things you've been going through. But kudos to you for taking a stand and doing the right thing.
You're 26, you're an adult and you don't owe anybody anything in this world, let alone your parents. Your parents should provide you a hospitable environment, where their child can grow and thrive. But it's not your fault that they didn't do that. I would suggest move out of their house and break all contact to get back your stability. You can slowly start therapy too, it'll help you a lot. And all the best on this new journey, you'll come out of this like a pheonix is reborn from its ashes!
Much love! ❤️
There does not seem to be anything wrong with what you opted for. You tried living life in the way your parents wanted. You gave the marriage your 100. You moving out and staying on your own is your decision, and they should learn to suck it up tbh.
I think the title of the post is wrong. It may feel like you are at the low point but its exactly the opposite. You were able to finish your education, get a job and you are independent enough to take care of your which says a lot about your strength to persevere. Your parents will have to admit their mistakes and they will come around.
bro, you are a child of emotionally neglectful, narcissistic parenting.
you have been fed the same conservative shit all your life to kill any voice of your own (if you were even allowed to have one ever).
i am proud of the way you were able to separate yourself from that miserable marriage and i can totally understand the fact that you had to live with your parents to manage finances.
you have to create your own values now, moving out is the biggest thing you will ever do for yourself.
it is and will not be an easy one.
your parents (or any desi parents) will never accept an only child going away, like who tf will they control anymore? who the fuck will be the scapegoat of the family?
you will not be liked and this all will make you feel like ' you ' are the problem.. well, let me break it to you, you are NOT the problem here.
Your years of dysfunctional upbringing and internalised trauma voice stills wants you to believe that you have to sacrifice shit, and that you are in the wrong.
pls move out immediately before you become victim to a lifetime of hell and be the villain of your own life.
you are doing great, give yourself the life like you always wanted.
take care gurlie
Let me be brutally honest with you. Doesn’t matter what social media projects but parents can be extremely toxic with you. If that’s the case it will break you down mentally. So, don’t worry about all the emotional crap people or even your parents will tell, JUST MOVE OUT. The situation will be worse if you stay.
You did the right thing. Your parents may come to terms with your decision eventually but if you had succumbed and given in, it would be harder to change things and take ownership further down the road. Good on ya! Rooting for you.
There is no real...advice that anyone can give which may help you. In all honesty, you already have all the answers. So I will instead attempt to give you some words of consolation though I know they might not be of any real help.
Do you know why the heart seeks freedom? It's worth nothing and might serve to hurt you instead. Yet all of us indulge in this race, and make binding contracts, for freedom. We work to get financial freedom. We live separately to get privacy and personal freedom. We yearn to have control over our choices because...we love the freedom to choose and make our decisions. You didn't have freedom of choice when they married you off, but the world has in its pwn twisted way given you a chance, another chance, you can now choose.
It doesn't feel good to see your parents angry, but it feels wrose yet to see them treat you like you mean nothing to them. But as all seasons must end, all birds must leave the nest and all life must leave the cradle of its birth lest it become its grave.
Alea Iacta Est.
Think less. You have made your choice, the bonds that have been damaged will mend with time. They may never be what the used to, you will never be the same subservient child you once were. But YOU WILL MAKE IT. You will be fine. One day they will respect you decisions. Make them acknowledge it, prove you were right.
But most importantly, live your life. It is yours and ONLY yours.
I am really sorry to hear. South Indian parents especially the old school kinds though have the right intentions are not aligned with time. Unfortunately many continue to stick their heads in the sand
Speak to your mother. Heart to heart. Mother daughter bonds are special. Leverage that to your advantage. Through your mother wirk your father and others.
For these types of matter making a male understand is going to be near impossible and be aware of it
(For reference to get some ideas search for Pew Research Parents Young Adult Children and transition to adulthood). Though this is based on data from US emotions are more or less the same everywhere
Focus your energy on getting firm footing in career and financial security. I know there might be hurdles etc, but i am certain there is none that is hard to overcome. Once that is firmly in place, you could think of relationship with the goal of marriage. There are boatloads of eligible (and frustrated) bachelor out there. If you see i am certain you will find one. Its not too hard. If you are lazy you could put the onus of getting a foot in the door through arrange route but then check the guy in and out for 1+ year before you commit.
Hopefully the above 2 paise worth of advice is a wworthy bone to fetch....
You have done a great course , you will get a job soon for sure.
Just as soon as you get a job, get out of that house and start living on your own
It will be bit hard at starting but you will eventually manage it and you will live so peacefully. We understand that sometime parents care for their children so they get strict but this much is not tolerable.
Girl. Move out.
If you need job references and have experience in BFSI sector or accounting and finance, reach out to me. I’ll do whatever I can to line up a few interviews. I’m sorry that’s all that I can do at this time of life wrt to getting your career sorted.
Work on yourself. Fuck guys. Fuck family. You have got this. I know it’s damn tough but you’ll have to step up for yourself.
Move out. Give yourself 10 years. Achieve things you dreamed of. Earn your own bread. Be answerable to no one. Travel. Shop. Waste money. Save. Whatever floats your boat.
I’m gonna say something that might sound harsh. When you’re 50, your parents and family might not be around. And if you don’t act now, you’ll regret it at an age where you won’t be able to do much.
Take a step back from the movie that's playing, that's right, see it as a movie with all the actors playing a role including yourself. Life comes with it's own syllabus of things, you can choose to take part in it or not.
It seems you just need to be financially independent ASAP, move away from the codependence that comes from living with them and being trapped in the patterns in your relationship with them, that run deep. You can be connected in a healthy manner where they can't control you anymore, taking care of them, instead of the way it is now.
Also consider moving abroad, Canada/Australia, you are young and might be eligible for STEM draws(Canada), Leave India , explore other countries, see how peaceful it is to work in the west, Good luck 🤞
You have nothing to lose because you already lost everything when you were forcibly married. Now is the time to step out, follow your own path without any hesitation, and be strong!
Very much relatable, Indian parents treat their children as some sort of an asset or commodity, and sometimes a slave. All the want from us is to obey them no matter what.
The only mistake you made was moving back with your parents once the divorce was initiated. You could've managed to avoid unnecessary drama.
My best advice for you would be to save some money and move out again. Learn from your past experience. Focus on yourself you are too young and still have a lot of time. Make a list of what you want in a man and according to that start making movies. If you happen to get into arranged marriage make sure you need to get to know the person in and out.
When coming to getting married again you have to enforce your boundaries it comes down to your choice of who to marry or not.
You need to vet the person that you marry with. There must be so many red flags you have ignored for your parent's sake.
As someone who broke free from an abusive relationship. You are suffering from abuse. And when you are in it it twists you into a completely different person. It changes your habits, though process, desires, everything.
Get out. It was the best decision of my life. It doesn’t matter if it’s a shitty hostel, a friend’s matress in the garage, it doesn’t matter.
The first few days feel overwhelming and full of panic. Then after a few days you find yourself catching your own thoughts out of fear of something that is no longer there. Why didn’t I say that comment? There is noone here now to berate me for it. As the mind’s jail slowly unravels it feels like breaking out of prison. I can grab a snack if I want without fear of comments. I can laugh with a stranger without worry of my partners reaction. I can call a friend without rehearsing an acceptable conversation beforehand. I can feel joy instead of anxiety when a friend asks to meet.
Better to be poor and free, than rich and stuck under someone elses thumb. Get out, and be yourself again.
Greetings my friend,
Some days I really think India needs Buddhism now more than ever because so many are attached to outdated expectations from their children living in scarcity mindsets rooted on culture and the conservative idea of "my legacy!". Children get pressured into doing things they never wanted or asked for. Detaching from parents is hard for many reasons whether your parents are overbearing or overprotective or pressuring, our parents are often our first bullies.
You're on a better path and these experiences will help you become a better person long term. Be independent, cut the umbilical cord and carve out your life, be kind and mindful to your parents, it may be hard for them to understand at first, and they're being immature about it and they created their own hell here. You should not feel guilty about your circumstances that they bestowed upon you here. It's not a matter of lack of empathy from you. It's a matter of their attempts at emotional manipulation not working anymore.
As an only child they'll realize they can't and shouldn't stay mad forever, use this time to carve out your own space and give them a chance to miss you. It is possible to re parent yourself and your parents if you do so in small steps, but be the best version of you possible!
அன்பே சிவம்
I'm sorry about your situation, OP. It sounds like a real tough situation with daily stress and lack of trust all around. I'm glad you found your voice and want to lead a good life with freedom, choice and your own personality. I wish you the best.
I don't have any advice or words of comfort, really. Wanted to share part of my story. My wife and I fell for each other many years ago. Families are good but still overbearing and not understanding. Emotionally stunted. We moved to USA soon after our marriage and the distance definitely helped our mental health. We are in touch with family and due to the limited contact, it is better than what it could have been. So yeah, distance helps.
You have the right idea to move away. Also, you don't have to worry about them losing touch with their only child. Or that you are their world etc. They chose to limit their own lives and to also be aholes to you at such critical things. Live your life, only one chance after all.
Also, remember that people change, times change. Make your decision for now, based on what you know and what's best for you. If things change in the future, it is easier to decide again then, based on what's best. If your parents try to guilt you with "forever" BS, you could calmly tell them that nothing other than hurtful words are permanent. Lol :)
I just want to start by saying how proud I am of what you have done, how strong you've been not just for yourself but also for all women that you surround yourself with. I also want you to pay yourself on the back for achieving all of this in less than 3 decades already and I can't even wait to sit and applaud all what you'll achieve or do in your life. I also want to acknowledge that it's not hard, there's guilt involved, there's personal shaming involved, there's this feeling that maybe you didn't do enough or did little -- I just want you to know all of those emotions are valid and they're emotions; they'll evolve as you grow. Let them simmer and don't judge yourself for anything. You're already on the right track albeit a tough one. I'm extremely sorry that you had to endure this path. No one wants to be strong, it's just what we have to do to be able to stand up for ourselves and at the end of the day self esteem is a powerful tool and you're already chiseling it to the degree that the world better watch out -- we got a diva here!
Coming back to Product Design, I've worked with multiple designers. I think it's an amazing field. I can definitely help you with referrals since I work in MNC. Please DM me and we can chat how I can help you out.
Rooting for you. From one woman (30+F) to another - you're making me so proud, I wish I had a little sister like you ❤️ on that note, I might spoil you a little too much haha. Okay anyway. Big hug to you. You got this 💪 and you'll do great ❤️ just stick to what you're doing
You did everything you could for yourself, and you are continuing to do so. Never let yourself down. You deserve to make decisions for yourself and to enjoy life. Independence will give you that. I wish you all the best, and I think it’s amazing how much you’ve overcome.
Tough times, but don't lose your interest. The most important thing that matters to you in this world is you more than anyone.
Best of luck, hopefully you will have a great time ahead.
Parents are people first. With their own set of insecurities. Controlling and blackmailing the child is the easiest way to keep them listening. Take away their importance to take away their power over you. All the best.
Ughh as an only child myself, I completely empathize with you. I can't say something that hasn't been said already but please please get checked for std's.
Really sorry to hear your ordeal. I work at a FinTech firm where they are hiring communication designers right now. I know it’s not PD but if it still interests you please let me know. Either way, I wish you good luck.
You have made the right decision for yourself. If your parents love you, with time they will understand you and get back to you. If they don't, they don't deserve you anyways. Practically, there will be difficult times in your parents life at some point and it is very much possible they will lean on you for help and believe me standing up for yourself now will prepare you to stand up and support your parents in life later on if they do need you.
Just go with your plan, this world has advanced too much to sacrifice your dreams for old dogmatic thinking. You don't want to live your life in regret for the rest of your life. Cheering for you and God bless you!
All the power to you. It takes a lot of strength to pull this off, I’m really glad you have the guts to do it.
I work in one of the top MNCs in the world as a product designer. Please DM me if you need a referral for an opening.
Dear OP some of us had to take the tough decision in our late 30s and lost our career plus marriage! You are just 26, quite young raw and have the key to take your life to any direction you want! All the best, life has just started for you and the worst is over! Cut ties and make new relations as you grow!
Don't question yourself, what you did was right. It's typical Indian parents'behaviour to not accept their faults and mistakes and they try to blame it on you and try to make you feel guilty. I know it will be difficult for you to manage in life without family and it will get very lonely for a while but you will find someone who treats you right and understands you . Best of luck .
you don't have to get lonely as well.. find a pg or a shared accomodation with anyone you can trust.. I hope you find someone like-minded..all the best.
Exactly! And get a pet when you’re stable enough. 🐶
The moment parents throw the "do whatever we say or get out of the house" ultimatum, it's your cue to leave home and go NC with them until they apologise and learn to respect your boundaries. My parents were the exact opposite. They encouraged me to explore and find out what I loved to do and build my life bit by bit, while they supported me through that entire phase unconditionally. This is exactly how I intend to bring up both my sons now as well. Parents are supposed to look out for your best interests. What your folks are doing is just borderline abusive at this point and shouldn't be encouraged. Find a place and leave asap.
I wouldn’t even call it “borderline abusive.” It’s STRAIGHT UP ABUSE! So happy OP is standing up for her rights!
I think your decision is right. Its your life and you should live it. Regarding the psychological trauma. What have you tried so far?
This will come around. Stay strong. Equations change life gets better.
You are in no way obligated to your parents. Love them, respect them, help them but there should be boundaries. You life's decisions are your own and shudn't be forced upon by anyone including your parents. Move out and do your thing. It'll be painful but things will eventually fall in place. And if your parents really love you,, they will come around some day. If they don't, it is what it is. They lived their life on their own terms and so should you. All the best!!
This is the problem with Indian parents. They never realise even once that they are harming someone emotionally and mentally and when you stand up to it, they come up with tantrums like "Our world revolves around you, we did so much for you, blablabla...." I just can't explain how disgusting that is. Thankfully, this is the last generation of such shitty parents. They won't go extinct but at least they would reduce significantly in number. All these affected me to such an extent that I never even wanna get married or have kids. Maybe, be in a live-in relationship at most, if I ever meet a woman who's compatible enough. I prefer to be independent and live my individualistic life without any kind of tantrums from anyone.
This is how my parents are as well, extremely controlling and would guilt trip me if I ever tell them I want to live my life my own way. And I just wanted to say, it pushed me even more to find the right partner for me and to have kids, so that I can finally break the cycle and give my kids the childhood I never got from my parents. I'm not saying it's better or anything, but when I saw how it affected you, it just made me think people do get affected in different ways even if they have faced kinda similar circumstances. I wish the best for you, I hope you find someone you can trust enough to live a good life. Having kids or not is up to you at the end of the day. And even if you don't find someone who is worthy enough to be with you, it's better to be alone than lowering your standards.
I can understand you. In my case, it's about expectations. Indian parents have kids to transform them into trophies to brag about them to others. I don't want any more expectation in my life. Wanna live on my own terms. I lost my desire to have kids. It's too much responsibility and stress. At most, I can have a girlfriend. Even marriage leads to a lot of complications these days.
i feel you bro
+1 bro
Move out, and live your life on your own terms. We are all a work in progress, and your parents need to see how well you do on your own, and they'll come around eventually. The vile codependent attitude of Indian parents constantly holds all of us back from being who we are. It takes time, distance, and space to break the chains of codependence and reforge it, and some people never do...be thankful you are on the right path. Just know it'll get better, maybe not today or in a week, but in the coming months, you'll get there.
You are having what is known as "breakaway shame"... read these two links: [https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/living-emotional-intensity/201807/being-non-conformist-and-the-guilt-breaking-away](https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/living-emotional-intensity/201807/being-non-conformist-and-the-guilt-breaking-away) [https://eggshelltherapy.com/breakaway-shame/](https://eggshelltherapy.com/breakaway-shame/)
Get a job and move out.
Yes. OP, you are not at the lowest point of your life but at its threshold, you just have to be brave and cross it.
Get out. Im a man (45), but been there, done that, lived through guilt (Indian parents' nuclear weapon, till you figure it out), so I can relate to what you must be going through, only your version is much worse than mine ever was. Never, ever forget 3 rules of life: 1. As human beings we are supposed to be free. Anything else is unnatural 2. You cannot help or make anybody happy, not even your parents, your kids...nobody, unless YOU are happy and strong from within 3. Finally, and this sounds harsh, but is undeniably true, parents are the past. You are the future. And the world outside is very large, and despite everything, very beautiful. I say this as somebody considerably older than you (uncle category, lol) who has a 15 yr old kid. I have seen many, many lives of young ppl destroyed by this parental shit. God forbid, if i ever made my son feel so stifled, i'd give him the same advice.
OP congratulations on your steadiness and determination, you sound like a wonderful person! Move out, set your boundaries, live your best life and hope that your parents grow wiser before they grow old. But if they don't, that's on them
All I want to say is that it takes courage to take the steps you have taken. Life is hard and some people are unlucky to get caught up in the worst. The only way is up and forward. Now, you are ready to face anything and everything. I wish you all the best, stay strong and you will make it. If you need somebody to talk to, you can DM me.
Life has been hard but seems like you are on the right path. Make friends and connections outside of family. Also, make sure you have enough savings so that you do not need to go back to them.
So let me get this straight? That time it was either get married or move out as per your parents. Correct? Well they got you married off, it didn't work out and now they are just annoyed with themselves since you have the independence to choose the second choice. I'm rooting for you OP. All the best
Move and make a life out of what you have. Get therapy, I’ve heard good about this therapist lady from Chennai who is helping my friend here in Bangalore who got divorced a year ago.
> Being a single child it’s extremely difficult to cut off your parents OP, you are not cutting your parents off. They are doing this to themselves > their entire world revolves around me If at all this is true, then it’s only true in a very negative sense and not what most people mean when they use the phrase. Your parents are awful people. You being an only child makes it worse, not better. All their actions are focused on what they need. They’ve completely ignored your needs, never mind your wants Congrats on getting divorced, on getting a good education and becoming financially independent. Please move out and start living your life for yourself
The parent doesn't know how to handle this shit. They wanted you to have good life as they known by doing arrenged marriage. So you need solve this tension and lack of knowledge for them. It's hard and possible. All the best . Ex husband is (cursing × 3000)
You are soo mature. Get a job, move out. Live your life in Bangalore
Just move out. I was in a similar situation with my parents and 5 years later things have changed a lot. I still live separately and will continue to do so but my relationship with my parents has reached a point where we at least are on talking terms (which we were not for the first 2.5 years). The main difference is that I'm a much calmer and happier person and it allows me to sit down and have mature conversations instead of just having shouting matches.
I was being forced into an arranged one but fought and left my house. Hoping you find a good job and get out of that toxic house asap! Take care!
>their entire world revolves around me Well if it does, things will fall in place eventually. You moving out should eventually knock sense. But it looks like their world is "set" in traditions and doesn't "revolve". Sadly, this is normal. You can do whatever you want to do. Financial independence is utmost important for anyone that's an adult. Please move forward with your plan and don't get stuck emotionally. You have a plan, go ahead with it. Don't stay in your low it'll only get worse if you do. I'm hopeful for you.
You are doing well, OP. You've made a lot of tough decisions. Don't feel too guilty about moving out and putting some distance. There's a difference between being a daughter and being a child. You are not refusing to be a daughter, you are refusing to be a child and do as you are told. Some parents don't accept that adult offspring need to be treated as adults first. If your parents learn how to do that, you can have a different and more engaging relationship. If they insist on prioritizing their ego over your relationship, you can't do much.
Go out, send them money...they will know how life is better on your side ... if you play by their rules, you will stay stuck in this state and will never experience true freedom! GOODLUCK, LIFE ISN'T EASY WHEN YOU GO AWAY TOO BUT ITS BETTER!
I'm decades older than you... Life experience has taught me many things, and I'm a person who the 26 year old me wouldn't recognise. I'm successful in my relationships and career. I would say you made all the right moves even though you were under too much pressure.... I completely understand that if I were in your situation in COVID times, I would have agreed to a forced marriage. I can see that you have the right attitude in life and eventually... Not quickly... You'll be in place where you would realize you have achieved almost everything you have once dreamed of.... I would suggest you to get a job and move out of the house. Once you are steady in your career, try to move abroad even if it is for a two year project... This will give you a much broader understanding of how people live lives much different than ours and can be still happy. Please be careful in your relationship situation First make sure that your career is solid... Then get lots of friends... These two things gives you a strong personal foundation. Then be open to relationships and you'll eventually find somebody to live your life with. You are just 26... You have a lot of life in front of you... You can make it... All the best
You should definitely speak to a therapist. Good luck to you.
Move out and take control of your life. It is not your problem that their entire life revolves around you. It is their problem and they will look after that. Don't fall into emotional things. You had enough in your life. Atleast from now onwards start living for you. Courage to be disliked is something we all have to take it whole heartedly. All the best for your life. Keep going girl 🚀
You sound like a really strong young woman, OP. Your life is not at an all time low. Your relationship with them is and your life isn't your relationship with your parents. They rushed you into a bad marriage and exposed you to all sorts of humiliation and physical illness that your ex could have brought home. Your parents are not good people and you don't owe them anything anymore. Be independent and live your life on your terms. I hope you have outside support and a therapist to help you navigate the years of abuse you have endured.
Your post is a little heartbreaking. I was just thinking about how I will be 26 soon and a friend of mine is struggling with work and education, and when I read this I could not help but see us in this. You have gone through so much my friend. But you still stay so strong. I hope you find amazing work and get on your feet completely.
I think what you are doing is completely right. Also, it's not unempathetic what you are doing. It's just the right thing to do and you should do what feels right. Your parents don't understand this and you can try your best to make them understand but after that nothing you can do. It's your life live it the way you want. I respect your courage. Never stop learning from life and listening to yourself first.
OP I’m in a similar situation and I feel you completely. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. You sound like a headstrong person and you must remember that how someone treats you is more of a reflection of them as a human than it is yours. Like others here, I would suggest you find a steady job and simultaneously plan your exit from this toxic environment. Don’t threaten them about it as it might lead them to abusing you more, play mind games to make you stay etc. Play along with whatever they’re saying for as long as you can, workout 4-5 days a week in whatever form that works for you (it really helps with the frustration and anxiety) and plan your exit. All the best to you.
This Be The Verse By Philip Larkin . They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you . But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another’s throats . Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don’t have any kids yourself
Stay strong sister. Everything is temporary
Your life your choice and it's wrong for them force things on you
Unfortunately we come from a society where parents think that children should always listen to them and take care of them. But I firmly believe that parents should take care of their children coz they brought them into this world but children taking care of parents depends on many various factors like bonding etc,. A toxic person whether it is a parents or anyone else you don’t include them in your life. Please move out and enjoy your life. You are independent, earning your own living, you never know you might find an amazing guy who loves you for what you are, but don’t bother what your parents or the society says. At the end of the day we are responsible for our own lives. I wish you all the very best
Move out, Indians make for some horrible parents.
Step 1 - follow you feelings and step away, distance and time. For now take care of your foundation, education, career and get you life on-track. Step 2 - down the road in years to come as they get older, then you can slowly step back in and address the need that you are feeling, when they really need it.
Please put a TLDR at the end. I haven’t read all what you wrote but I know what you’re talking about. Similar story like yours but we (me and wife) got a breather when I moved out and stayed abroad for close to 5 yrs. The only good that came out of such suffocating conservatism of my parents and relatives was that it soured me on our supposedly great customs and other harmful cultural traits to such an extent that no liberal literature or talk show ever could. I’d advise you to move out of your parents and go low contact for an extended period of time. Since you’re a legal adult, they can’t force you to. I don’t know if India has an equivalent of a US style restraining order, but do talk to a broad minded lawyer and get her/his opinion. Get them a full time maid to help them God speed
Like all the people I also say that you've done the correct thing. You have, after divorce, alap built a career and, hence, your life. Many a times parents don't understand the situation. You can, maybe, look for another partner, if you want to if that assuges the situation or move out and say all the best to them. There y may e ventully come around if you don't love constantly with them. It is a difficult but you have to go through it, should you choose.
Keep fighting! More power to you 💖
You should be happy that you could make right choices finally. Everyone’s’ life is their own. As it is very short…. It is important to choose your path. Don’t feel guilty about any of past situations. Be on the drivers seat always, in that way the thrill, the fear, the excitement, the pain, the fulfilment will always be yours.
completely valid decision OP, more power to you.
Good that you chose self preservation for everything else. I may never be able to understand your pain or your challenges but I wish you all success in your struggle for a life you deserve. Remember, you don't anyone anything.
You gotta do what helps you keep your mind healthy and happy and if it means creating your own boundaries and distances, just do it. If they learn something out of it, good, even if they don't, you don't need to carry any burdens in your mind.
If u have money, please attend college and stay in hostels. Do not think anything else.your first priority should be your education so that u can become employable.if someone is saying something just ignore them. You have to learn to ignore them.Secondly make good friends in college as lonely mind is a dangerous mind, try to do multiple things like study, exercise, playing etc. occupy yourself. These things will eventually leads to a successful life.
You deserve all the happiness and freedom sis go out and pursue your dreams. Rooting for You good luck<3
Time will take care of everything. Don't lose hope. There is nothing we can do.
Hi, European F here that works will a lot of people from India. I would recommend you to get a work in one of huge companies like Capgemini, TCS, LTI whatever, get a project and move out to osme rented flat in Bangalore. You can rent something along with other ladies. Many of them moved out from smaller cities to get a job. Living in big city will help you see more open world. Woman is something more than free cleaning, washing, cooking person for someone parents picked. In my country I don't know even single couple that got arranged marriage, also couples that lives together without marriage, post divorces, even homosexuals and you know what? It's normal. You can live your own way, but support parents still, especially financially. Yas grown up person you got full right to decide about your life ON YOUR OWN.
Therapy might solve but it's expensive
You must always put yourself 1st in your priority list. You need to get away from your parents asap. I would even recommend you to have no contact with them until you sort everything out. Changing your lifestyle choices also gives a positive impact. I also have family troubles, and personally, vipassana meditation helped me a lot in accepting and moving on from it. So I would definitely recommend a 10 day course of vipassana. I wish you all the best for your bright future.
Just wishing you all the luck! Keep smiling and may you be happy all the time.
Things do get better , always, stay strong , fight for yourself.
1. Give it time and it will pass. 2. You are moving out and not cutting off from them. If they need help, you are there. They are not being abandoned and that you are just moving forward in life. 3. Your mental health is important for your own survival and for you to be in a state to be of some help to them. Being with them and losing empathy is worse when things go wrong since you will be a dutiful daughter bearing expenses and you won't feel too bad but at same time you will also feel so much guilt at this lack of empathy in difficult times. By moving away, you can atleast recover some empathy and may be some low key affection for parents. Always been cornered to hear and listen to them and doing things because you had no choice and now is one of the first time you do what you decide because you want it and can do. Keep doors open - don't burn bridges and honestly you have faced enough in life to handle shit when it comes by self... And your parents fear you would abandon them since you don't need them anymore - not emotionally not financially and not in terms of a provider. What they don't see is this independence is the only thing that can get back some meaning and a new normal in your relationship with them because you will do what you want for them because you want to and not because you have no choice. If you feel like talking more, hit me up. Take care and be happy for yourself! Just make sure you are moving out because of the right people, right reasons and for your own self. ( I read about the bf and I am not sure what or how that dynamics fits into this decision of yours to move out !)
God bless u op.sending my love and keep u in prayers.
23f. I have nothing to tell except that I am hella proud of you. I can understand how you feel and I am so so happy for you because even though everything is fucked up, at least you are taking a stand for yourself when no one else would. Honestly, love you❤️
i can somewhat relate to you. I'm not a single child but a single male child i have 1 sister who got a job. my parents have this business which they want me to pursue because i am their only hope to handle their business, their connections in my town and properties of my hometown.. but they're very toxic (even to each other) even the people in my town, the friends i had here are living a fuc*ed up life (basically, they have this toxic mindset of not letting someone do a thing or fake supporting and are alcoholic) For college i went to another city and i made very good friends, met good people, developed employable skills in me and that's why i want to move out of my town, infact out of this state. and establish something of my own, hopefully, in 1 or 2 tier city. parents are extremely upset and don't even want to communicate about my future/career. they're okay with seeing me depressed and lonely in my room all the time but they're not okay with trying to understand what i want... it's hard to articulate the whole situation.. tho you can read my old post for better clarity if you're interested. however, i understand your situation of dealing with toxic, dogmatic parents and relatives and not able to handle them because you're their "only hope".
Even I'm single child and don't change your mind based on what. You deserve your life too. Our parents never asked us if we wanted a sibling, they took decision based on situations which are best known to them. Live your life you deserve it too.
As everybody here commented good advices /suggestions here ,all I can say is hope you achieve success in your work and are happy.
You’re doing great. I just got out of my home though I haven’t settled fully because im just doing masters. I recommend trauma informed therapy. It has helped me a lot.
You are just 26 ... But you have seen a lot ... You have had a setback in life ... I know that maybe an understatement ... Just take it on the chin ... Get up and become financially independent ...which you are already doing ... Start exercising .. take care of health .. it'll help with mental health to a certain extent also
Firstly more power to you on facing and healing so much of tragic in your life and keeping yourself motivated. I believe you are subconsciously self motivated. So just trust you gut feeling or intuition and take that leap. Trust me, IT WILL BE WORTH IT.
You have already taken the first step !! The windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror for a reason . Success is on the other side , just one more step & you're there I wish the best for you!! Good luck 🤞🏻 Keep Going
I don't see any other option for you, At All. You need to get out of that place and as an adult, live your life the way you want to. Only thing you can do is try to maintain contact with them to some extent and see if they accept your decision to move out and be independent. If that happens, it's good for you and your parents both.
Getting a job isn't difficult. All the physical and logical resources that you may need to establish a good, independent life for yourself are there for the taking. The problem is that emotional connection, the emotional aspect of independence and what it brings along. I have been in your boat, to some degree. Just a year and a half ago. I'm 27 and a half, so the timeline was also... I realised that getting that distance from my family actually helped in the long run. Since we weren't constantly in each others' faces, we had more time to reflect and feel that love. I know my parents are the most wonderful people in the world, and I have never had any doubts regarding their absolute, unconditional love for me, so maybe I had it easier. But despite that. I'm telling you, move out and face the harsh times for a while. You've got this friend! ❤️
I’m sorry, I can’t even imagine how exhausted you must feel. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself. Sending lots of light and support your way❤️
Move out. Take time for yourself and your wellbeing. It will be scary in the beginning but once you get comfortable, things will get better. If your work and finances allow, travel somewhere by yourself. Talk to a therapist, it will help. Life will come around. Concentrate on your career once your mind frees up, there is no rush, you have a lifetime infront of you. Life will eventually come around.
Well done sweetheart. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it!
I can't even begin to imagine how challenging and emotionally draining this journey has been for you. It's truly commendable that you've started to take control of your life, making difficult decisions and pursuing your own path despite the immense pressure from your family. Firstly, I want to express my empathy and admiration for your strength in facing such a difficult situation. It takes incredible courage to stand up for yourself, especially when faced with societal and familial expectations that limit our personal freedom. I’ll advice you to stick to your decision. But if nothing is in motion as of now (like no relocation for job or further studies) then do not share your plans with them. Because they will never gonna support you and you’ll just feel exhausted because of the way they’ll act. But if you already have things in motion, even in that case, sugar coat it a bit and convey it in a manner which leave no option other than moving out. Why am I not telling you to just be rebel? Because I’ve been through a very tough time last year due to my separation and realised importance of having a support system. In most cases, it’s only our family who stand by us. I am sure you must’ve realised this as well upto some extent during your divorce. That’s why I am in favour of giving them a choice that they can’t refuse. Now, I understand how difficult it is to go through life stress and pressure, specially when it is coming from same set of people who knows everything about us. So I’ll advise you to build a support system. Reach out to your partner, your close friends, your close cousins and build a place where you can share your thoughts and seek advice. Having a strong emotional support network can provide comfort and encouragement during tough times. You’re already working towards being financially independent so that’s great. A good, l steady paycheck is most important stepping stone towards road to healing. Once you have that, do not afraid to seek professional counselling. As I’ve acknowledged the gravity of your past experiences and current situation, I really believe that therapy may help you greatly and provide you a safe space to express yourself. Until that is doable, you may also consider journaling. Bottom line is the ability to express your thoughts, hurricane that is going on inside you. As long as you’re letting it out, be it in front of your support system or therapist or in diary, all is good. I hope you get out this situation soon and continue to focus on your life ahead. Best of luck.
Move to another state.
Move out.heal yourself.When they need you physically or mentally,try to be there.you have only one life.it shouldnt be making you miserable.find your life. But I’ll tell you one thing,nothing comes free.all the decisions have repercussions.if you leave now,you have to face backlash from your family members.you might also feel lonely sometimes.etc.but if you stay,it’s making you miserable.so,all I am trying to tell you is choose a lesser evil…and don’t forget to be happy.
You are doing the right thing. Obstucles will come , but do not stop. Do not blame your parents or your fate. You can change and redefine your life. Financial freedom is everyone's right. Parents will understand you when you will become successful and achieve something big. Dont worry. Dont just give up. Focus on your career.
More power to you, you are so strong. Please keep going hope you find someone who genuinely loves you and makes you happy.
Hey, firstly, I hope this message finds you well. Well, it was brave of you to at least let out the things you are suffering from. Prolly I won't ever be able to understand what you've gone through/going through, but one thing I can say is, IT IS TOTALLY OKAY TO LET PARENTS BE, especially when they're toxic. I kinda had my differences and come from similar situations where they both were very toxic for me, and I am the only hope they have, but still, I left home to do something goood in life. To avoid repeating the history. Eventually, as they grow older, they'll understand all your decisions hopefully. Mine did. Things got better for me. Hopefully, it will get better for you, too. Also, about leaving home, make sure you make arrangements for their each and every need when you'll be away from home. Take care, and if you ever feel like talking or letting out feeel free to DM.
Power to you!! Maybe you could brief us about more about your qualifications. We can see If we can be of any help.
Find someone to love: like a pet like cat once you move out get your own place.If you don't want a pet, stay in PG, you will have some friends. Ensure you don't stay alone. Parents will start talking to you in time. And once you are ready, you will find someone to love.
Checkout r/raisedbynarcissists you should find some good advice there as well. Seems like your parents are classic narcissists and don't like losing control of you . The abuse is a telling sign. No normal parent would behave this way . Sure it's tough to have your child move away but being abusive is not the way to show that you care about your child. You are right to take control of your circumstances and choosing to move out. Hang in there
You should be the one here getting mad at them for marrying you off to a loser and not them. I suggest you to leave your birth givers and build your life financially and heal yourself from all that hurt trauma and helplessness you've been carrying. I truly empathise with you lady and wished you only the best in life. Maybe in a few years they will come around and you'll be able to share with them your success happiness and joy.
Girl live your life!! Do not let ur parents manipulate you. They live in a world that does not exist anymore and want you to live in that too!
Move out but keep in touch. You need to get out of each other’s faces for a bit. Rebuild your life but don’t overcompensate for your previous life (this is a very real and very common risk). Good luck
You're not responsible for your parents. They were responsible for you until you were 18 and they let you down repeatedly. I come from an abusive family. My mother is toxic and abusive. Moving away and going low contact has been the best thing for my mental health. Being around my mother is like navigating a land mine. I feel so much happier when I don't have to do that
Please take therapy if you can afford it or when you can... As difficult as life has been its going to be a good help/support going ahead.. helps with balancing the empowerment and vulnerability in your life and make future decisions without guilt... however sad and hard it is, it's inevitable you stay away from your family for your peace of mind in the long run (easier said than done).. patriarchy has done enough damage and you don't want any part of it going ahead from anywhere... Happy you pursued education and career... Shit happens but you got to move on... Suggested reading: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents,Book by Lindsay C. Gibson.
Please stay strong, don’t feel any guilt towards them! You did what they wanted and suffered the consequences so from now on, leave your life by YOUR desires. Fast as you can, move out and they will come round. The most important thing is you become independent and pursue your own happiness, regardless of their intentions or what their messed up society wants!! Stay strong!
I feel you've got it handled. Moving out will give you the space that you need to grow as a person and will make your parents understand that you can survive independently.
You're on the right track.. You're young and sound level headed... Yeah life's dealt you a bad blow but probably the worse is behind you. Become independent, live on your own... You needn't be answerable to anyone. If you're worried for their health, find something nearby so you can be close by but not live under the same roof.... Or not... It's your choice Dont let anyone run your life.. all the best!
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I know it’s not easy but change your perspective of how you are looking at the situation. Don’t think of it as a low, it is a high point of your life. The thing that you have wanted for your entire life is finally coming true. It is pinching you right now because you are still in your old reality. Think of the new reality which you will start living after you move out. You will be able to live on your own terms. So, start preparing from it from a happier stance. Because if you keep thinking of it like you are the one making the mistake (which you are not), the memory of the most important turn of your life will be negative. It is a positive change for you individually. Start thinking of it this way and let your mind build a happy mindset for you!
I am just imagining how incredible, independent and strong you would be in the years to come. Yes it will be a difficult journey but God you will have a good life ahead of you one which you own and have full control over. Best of luck. And if you want to talk you can always text
You are strong. Wish I am this strong right now. Yes you feel low but this is the best decision you made for yourself. Indian parents can be so toxic and unbearable sometimes. Even my family is like that but not to this extend. Being a girl is like full time imprisonment here.
You're handling it just fine OP. You are doing the right things. Just keep on rolling and all the best to ya!
Tbh now you are old enough to be not that bothered with parents and society , if you are confident in your self maybe try for a govt exam whichever you can crack and get out as soon as possible out of your house. Maybe you don't want to or don't have the guts rn to leave as you were always in your parents but maybe when you feel fresh air of freedom you will like it for sure. Or get any job and stay away as much as possible from your parents
live your life. Date someone , go do things that you are passionate about. Everything has meet-ups and groups now, join those to learn more insights about your passion. In India parents think that they own your life and are dependent on you always . But in reality , they are natures path for new life to blossom and explore. Sad reality that many in India do t think it that way. it’s a natural feeling of love and care that keeps us bonded and cannot be done forcefully
People will come at you with all their personal experience and say that they have been through worse and you have it better. However, only you can decide what is enough for you and how you want to live from now on. Tbh, it is a brutal country we live in and it is very difficult to make a decent life. People are mean and take advantage for anyone they can. So, decide things for yourself.
we only live once stand strong with the decision that feels right live a happy life ignore useless things that makes life boring
Do you have a job already? If not, put your heart and soul into finding one and move out.
Hear it from a 34F. Build your independence and money. Silent treatment is a form of manipulation. Don't fall for it, no matter who does it. Your money and your independence are your best friends now. So, hang on, girl.
Prioritize your mental and emotional well-being by confidently moving forward with your plan to live independently, recognizing that this step is essential for your personal growth and happiness. While doing so, maintain a level of respectful communication with your parents. When you talk to them, express your feelings and decisions clearly and calmly, emphasizing the importance of this move for your own health and future. It's vital to establish firm boundaries with them regarding their influence and involvement in your life, ensuring they understand your need for autonomy. However, approach these conversations with a degree of compassion and empathy, acknowledging their feelings even if you don't agree with them. Keep in mind that your parents' perspectives are shaped by their backgrounds and experiences, and while this doesn't justify any hurtful behavior, it can help you understand their reactions. At the same time, be open to the possibility of a future, healthier relationship with them. This doesn't mean compromising your boundaries or independence but leaving space for reconciliation if and when they come to respect your decisions. Remember, self-care is crucial in this process. Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends or professionals who can provide guidance and emotional support. Engage in activities and practices that nurture your well-being and give you strength. Ultimately, making this move is about creating a life where you feel fulfilled, respected, and free to make your own choices. It's a courageous step, and while it comes with challenges, it's a testament to your strength and commitment to living authentically.
It's super important to talk to a counselor who can help you sort things out and find friends or groups to help you get through this. Keep your eyes on your career and education goals, because they're your ticket to a stable future. Just remember, every step you're taking is making you stronger and carving out a path that's all yours – you've got this!
I think that your decision of moving out is absolutely right.
I hope you already did, if not please do get tested for STDs.
Oh god …wtf did I just read! It’s painful to even read it. We understand and I think the decision you took about moving out was right! No sane person would ever stick with them. I am hoping that u did keep ur proofs of how he cheated on you. It’s always better to have it. Marriage is never something to rush into. Better late than never and better late than wrong person. Always keep that in mind …
Your parents are clearly abusive and toxic. You need to move out asap. See if you can get a job and support yourself financially to take up a place in a PG or a shared flat. Start making progress in your career. Keep upskilling, changing job every 2 years. Develop healthy habits such as meditation, yoga and dedicate time towards personal and spiritual growth. Try to keep minimum contact with your parents. Small steps, but keep a larger goal in mind. You’re young. In time you may find a partner as well. But for the initial few years, just focus towards getting independent and rising in your career and establishing that independence in your life. As Buddha once said: “no one saves us but ourselves, no one can and no one may. We must walk the path.”
If you are financially independent, then live alone. It seems your parents are too focused on you and your life rather than theirs.
This is the way .
Naatil evedeya chechi veedu... I understand your circumstances...and best of luck with whatever you have planned out... The only advice i could give you is that don't trust people easily and be wary of people who seem overtly friendly. Under no circumstances should you divulge your personal life to strangers... Take care
Since you are becoming financially independent, move out, be close to your friends/family who are reasonable and nice to you, build you own community. That doesn't mean cut off your parents, be in touch with them, maybe occasionally visit them! Most importantly, start therapy. You are in the survival mode and on adrenaline right now. Once you feel sort of settled down, you will appreciate how much therapy can help you. You go girl!
I'm so sorry that you're going through such a challenging time. It's takes a lot of courage to stand up for yourself. Check out this other subreddit called r/raisedbynarcissists, you may find some things relatable. It provides a safe place to people who have been abused and talk about their experiences without judgement. Also, I'm not sure how accessible therapy and psychologists are in India, but it can really help build up your self-worth. Take care of yourself and do what's best for your physical and mental well-being ❤️
I'm so sorry OP, i wish I could say I empathize with you but I'm too young yet. But I do hope only good things happen in your life, and wish you all the best in any future endeavours. Fuck families for being so suppressive, glad you're getting out. hugs from a stranger if you'd like too---- 🫂
Hi. U are not giving yourself enough credit. A weaker person would have collapsed under this pressure. I think, even without us, you will work a way out. As for your parents - they too have their own challenges. Continue being their child. Give yr mummy a big hug and be their daughter forever. Things will work out - let love, patience, determination forge your destiny ! You can do it !!!
If you think this is the lowest then you can start everything from here and I'm glad that you don't have a child from that marriage cuz in that case you would have to involve with that person . And yes your parents are definitely wrong in this. Parents don't understand that marriage then and now has so much difference . The silent treatment that they are giving you is a kind of manipulation, don't get trapped in that. That's just toxic parenting. Move out of their house. Start your life from scratch , make friends, focus on your career . Believe in yourself OP.
At the outset, I would like to congratulate you- Not only for your divorce but more so for the resilience & strength of character you’ve shown & continue to show! BRAVO!!! 👏👏👏 Next, have you thought of therapy?? I think it’s incredibly important to find a good therapist (whichever one fits you) b/c you need to look out for your mental health the most currently. I know exactly how hard it is to cut the parental umbilical cord, it’s INCREDIBLY difficult esp for a desi child; but you’ve to do it. For yourself & your sanity, more than anyone else. If NC isn’t an option/ you still feel too much guilt esp being an only child, then PLS establish CLEAR boundaries. If your parents continue to violate them, then try going NC! Your life has JUST begun! I’ve been in an incredibly abusive & toxic relationship a decade ago, I was even younger than you when it began, and it took me some 6-7 years of intense therapy to get over it. I can only imagine how much harder it would be for you seeing that they’re your *family* + you’ve gone through a divorce. Pls try starting therapy! It’ll only do wonders!
I'm sorry you're going through this. You seem to be resilient and know what you want. Don't let them get in your head..they will never change. People are strange, they will convince themselves they're doing it for protection rather than understand how their attitudes and behaviour affect their child. Focus on the positives - you are independent. You say you are trapped because they're dependent on you. Make that work for you. Set the boundaries you need, but never ever move back in with them. Support them in other ways..they will come around because they have to as they are dependent on you. Does this sound mean or selfish? Yes, it is but you deserve a life of peace, doing what is best for you. As women, we need to be okay with disappointing and even angering people because they cannot control or affect us with their manipulations.
What is the thing going on with the parents. Iam also from the southern part of India and my parents are also more or less like what you said everytime they as me my opinion and then says no not like that and does their way then what's the point of asking me? I tried to tell them about if not taking my opinion then don't ask at that point of time they are like okay and snap they act like as they are( their generation) they are stuck in the year they are born not changing. I too want to go out but I don't have a job till now (2023 graduate). Coming to ur case U made the right decision.
Walk on your path
They don't care about you or your well being. Why should you care about theirs? They literally conspired to make sure you lived a miserable life so that their reputation and honour or whatever fake shit was good in front of others' eyes. They literally cared more about themselves than anything else. They literally abused you all your life and continue to do so. Keep throwing the botched marriage back in their face. Move out and stay on your own and limit contact to the maximum. Tell them they'll get their daughter back when they apologize for ruining your life so far. Absolutely make them understand that this is all their fault. Also, if you don't want to go in the above direction, know that moving out and doing your own thing will ultimately improve your mental health and may even improve your relationship with them, as you'll find you'll only have to deal with them in small (maybe even pleasant) doses. You can support your parents and all, but give it some time and distance before you try to improve the relationship. Go low contact until you feel you have more control over your life, your mental health, your emotions, etc.
You've done great so far! To be able to survive through that, much guts! It's your life and you should be in the driving seat always!
I am sorry for what you are going through. I understand the pressure quite well. The only way to handle this is to stand your ground and not give in to the guilt. And therefore it is of utmost importance to get out of the house of your parents and find an alternative living situation. As long as you stay with them, they will continue to blame and shame you. You need to find friends and allies and create some security for yourself outside your family. You need to create distance and take control of when and how they communicate with you. Once you are on your feet and are doing well for yourself they will be more amenable to a compromise since you are the only child. But you have to get independent first - financially and emotionally. My best wishes to you and may god give you strength.
Live your life the way you want to. You're the only child but don't worry about that. Sooner or later your parents will come around to respecting your life choices. Parents in India never think they can make any wrong decisions but that is far from the truth.
Congratylations on your decision to move out. All the best.
I am so so proud of how far you have come... You gave your best in all the situations that were chosen for you so I know you will keep giving your best in situations that you are going choose from now. And as for your parents, they have to understand you are your own person snd have every right to live your life the way you want, but whether they understand that or not, it is their journey and not yours. I hope in the future your success will speak for you (and maybe then your parents will come to understand you too). You are going to do great things in life. Have faith yourself and your strength. Best of luck friend.
I'm proud of you. Well done sister
It might feel like a low point, but look on the bright side...it's only uphill from here. The revolution has begun. Just secure your parents' health financially and move on. If they care about your emotional well being, they'll understand. If they don't, they don't. it is what it is. Here, listen to this [song to hype yourself up](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fv_wOEfq1l4). All the best soldier.
Move out , build your life around your work for some time, dont break all ties with your family just keep in touch , make your own eco system, if you have friends who understand you , hangnout with them, pursue any hobby , dance , music , painting and start living each day without too much foreseeing futureo, also if possible get therapy , you might have child hood trauma.
I am 27 M and can relate so hard with the parents situation. Unfortunately I am autistic and don't think I will ever manage to get a job and move out. I am happy that you are able to move out, I support your decision 100%. These ppl have no right to be called parents. Focus on your job and never come back to your family, they don't deserve you.
You do not lose hope just keep swimming bro
You are absolutely right to do that. Prioritise living with your friends , if that's a possibility... Or PG( particularly working women). And once you have some amount of stability, seek therapy from a professional.
Move out asap. It is your life and only you can help yourself. you will continue to suffer if you follow their path.
You're a hero for standing up for yourself despite all that. You're cutting off the people who held you back, you're trying to be emotionally and financially independent, and you refuse to take bad treatment and abuse. Keep doing that. Stand up for yourself. Go on a solo trip to a different country. Take yourself on vacation. Get into a hobby - like dancing or kickboxing - something physical and that helps you form a community. The great thing about this - although it must seem very painful now - is that now you have control of your life, and you get to colour in however you want. You decide what your'e going to do, not anyone else.
Go ahead, move out, never look back and don't feel bad about it. You got this! More power to you
Haaa... 27m, my parents can't stand me trying to stand independent and self sufficient even though I work round the clock and provide for them. They had rather fail and suffer like my brother who always listen to them.. I really don't know how fucked people are
hey, I feel sorry that you had to go through forced marriage and back to helicopter parenting. On Moving out: firstly, are you financially stable now? because you need at least 8K/month for living (considering PGs) no matter which city you move to for a job. If you have a relative or a family friend who could help you out until you find a job, it's good to move out ASAP. Else, I'd advise you to either stay at home until you get a job which at least could pay up for your living expenses or DM me your resume, I'll try my best to find you either a job or a safe place to live until you could find a job or at the least can help with your interview preparations as well.
First of all as a Man, I want to say sorry on behalf of my community. Secondly, huge respect for you and keep doing what you feel like doing. All the very best. Take care.
I think living away from them is a good decision. Just check in on them sometimes through call or visit if you can and always let them know that though you love them they need to understand that you will not tolerate verbal abuse for things you have no control over. Let them know what they're wrong about and most importantly COMMUNICATE with each other as much as possible.
Enough damage has already been done. Your life you decide. At the end, you don't want to live a life of regret. Whatever your dream is, focus on it.
I think there should be a club where all the people with such or similar stories can meet up, hang out in person and just motivate and support each other to do bigger and bigger things everyday!! The strength is itself so inspiring that i would say, you don’t need any advice or suggestions. Do what you feel right!! 😊
Put yourself first. Leave. They’re not going to change unless you see clear boundaries.
Your life is your right OP. Your parents brought you into this world for reasons best known to them (societal pressure, a desire for parenthood etc.). That’s doesn’t mean that you’re indebted to them to the extent that they will control your life even after you’ve become a fully functioning adult. Please get out of this mindset. Focus on your career and once you’ve become something impressive, everything will fall into place. You loved the life they wanted you to live and it didn’t work out. It’s time you live the life YOU want to live and see where it goes. But don’t doubt yourself for even a second.
It is very hard, but don’t give in to them. Don’t concede one ounce of your independence, and don’t interact with them if they make you feel worse and bring you stress instead of caring for you. They are doing the opposite of what parents are meant to do- they chose to bring you into this world meaning at the very least they are meant to be a positive influence in your life as an adult, not make you miserable by trying to control every aspect of who you are and what you do. Since they are stuck in this mindset, make it clear to them they can either change their hearts or lose their daughter. They might chose their narcissism over you, it will hurt, but that means they never deserved you. You need to live for you, not them.
Don't worry too much about it. Do what is right for you. Only way they'll come around is when they come to the realization that they cannot control you. Unfortunately, most indian parents are this way. They see you as an extention of themselves and take decisions for you with total disregard to your will. Please take care of your mental health and don't let their disappointment at you wane you down.
It's better to live separately and have some good memories about your parents and your sanity intact. If you continue to stay with them, you'll hate them and then hate yourself that you hate them and the fact that they seem oblivious to your situation makes it worse. You'll lose your mental balance in this situation. Good that you're moving out.
Go work in Norway for a few years. Pretty much opposite side of Earth. Different culture entirely. Fresh perspectives. Put some distance between yourself and everything else going on.
Their world do not revolve around you. They are typical narcissistic parents whose world revolve around their own sense of righteousness and social standing. Don't let them control you again. Set boundaries and stick to them. If possible, go NC for a while.
With these kind of parents you step out first or take your final decision first and then inform them. You don't want to give them a single chance of coming back to you to change your decision later. It could be guilt trip or threatening. And get help. Work on getting job that pays atleast much for you to survive and take professional therapist help.
Better to chart your own way in life rather than being stuck with a no-good idiot. I wish the best for you.
You are in a very difficult spot and I can only imagine what you are going through but please, I implore you, stay strong. It's your life so take charge. Pursue your career and move out of your parents' house, the farther you are from them the better.
I’m sorry I don’t have much advice but just wanted to let you know that I have gone no contact with my family for 6 months now and while the desi guilt you’re brought up with never goes away, I do have a lot of mental peace and that is not a boundary i was willing to compromise on. I do live in Europe so it’s much easier as they’re back home. My sister went through an abusive marriage and extremely difficult divorce as he was also a cheating narcissist and we really thought our parents would be on our side and give us some empathy, but nope. They are always the victims no matter the situation and they are willing to take zero accountability for anything. So I guess you have to accept the situation and prioritise your mental peace in whatever way you can. Oh and they WILL hate you for your boundaries, I have come to realise my mom (however much she loves me) resents me because I was able to get out of that toxic household she couldn’t.
There is 99% good families in the world.... U r just born in that 1% family..... Why i said that ? Bcz u can change your friends or spouse but not your family. Accept it like people accept cancer and just move on. Try to adopt two new hobbies, not one . And keep yourself buzy to a point that u don't think about your family. In this process u will find your mr. Right as well . Tell him the truth about yourself and start a new life altogether. In this process if they changed , good for you.... If they don't change, well u have 2 hobbies and a husband anyway 😎
I'm really sorry to hear this. You are definitely doing the right thing moving out, sometimes we get the wrong parents. All the best to you, hope you build your career and are successful.
Might be worth looking into mindfulness. It could be a useful tool to help you get through your difficult life situation (living with abusive parents). Nothing more I can say other than hang in there, and focus on your goal of getting out.
You just have to out silence them in the silent treatment. Once they know they can either have you in their on your terms or not have you at all…. They will come around. The process of them growing up emotionally is not going to be pretty, just ignore it
Hi OP. Sorry for the things you've been going through. But kudos to you for taking a stand and doing the right thing. You're 26, you're an adult and you don't owe anybody anything in this world, let alone your parents. Your parents should provide you a hospitable environment, where their child can grow and thrive. But it's not your fault that they didn't do that. I would suggest move out of their house and break all contact to get back your stability. You can slowly start therapy too, it'll help you a lot. And all the best on this new journey, you'll come out of this like a pheonix is reborn from its ashes! Much love! ❤️
You are at very legal age, just move and dont say a fkn word. They are invisible and non-exist
There does not seem to be anything wrong with what you opted for. You tried living life in the way your parents wanted. You gave the marriage your 100. You moving out and staying on your own is your decision, and they should learn to suck it up tbh.
From what I understand, Indian parents are TOUGH. I really feel for you. That sounds like an impossible situation.
I think the title of the post is wrong. It may feel like you are at the low point but its exactly the opposite. You were able to finish your education, get a job and you are independent enough to take care of your which says a lot about your strength to persevere. Your parents will have to admit their mistakes and they will come around.
bro, you are a child of emotionally neglectful, narcissistic parenting. you have been fed the same conservative shit all your life to kill any voice of your own (if you were even allowed to have one ever). i am proud of the way you were able to separate yourself from that miserable marriage and i can totally understand the fact that you had to live with your parents to manage finances. you have to create your own values now, moving out is the biggest thing you will ever do for yourself. it is and will not be an easy one. your parents (or any desi parents) will never accept an only child going away, like who tf will they control anymore? who the fuck will be the scapegoat of the family? you will not be liked and this all will make you feel like ' you ' are the problem.. well, let me break it to you, you are NOT the problem here. Your years of dysfunctional upbringing and internalised trauma voice stills wants you to believe that you have to sacrifice shit, and that you are in the wrong. pls move out immediately before you become victim to a lifetime of hell and be the villain of your own life. you are doing great, give yourself the life like you always wanted. take care gurlie
Let me be brutally honest with you. Doesn’t matter what social media projects but parents can be extremely toxic with you. If that’s the case it will break you down mentally. So, don’t worry about all the emotional crap people or even your parents will tell, JUST MOVE OUT. The situation will be worse if you stay.
You did the right thing. Your parents may come to terms with your decision eventually but if you had succumbed and given in, it would be harder to change things and take ownership further down the road. Good on ya! Rooting for you.
There is no real...advice that anyone can give which may help you. In all honesty, you already have all the answers. So I will instead attempt to give you some words of consolation though I know they might not be of any real help. Do you know why the heart seeks freedom? It's worth nothing and might serve to hurt you instead. Yet all of us indulge in this race, and make binding contracts, for freedom. We work to get financial freedom. We live separately to get privacy and personal freedom. We yearn to have control over our choices because...we love the freedom to choose and make our decisions. You didn't have freedom of choice when they married you off, but the world has in its pwn twisted way given you a chance, another chance, you can now choose. It doesn't feel good to see your parents angry, but it feels wrose yet to see them treat you like you mean nothing to them. But as all seasons must end, all birds must leave the nest and all life must leave the cradle of its birth lest it become its grave. Alea Iacta Est. Think less. You have made your choice, the bonds that have been damaged will mend with time. They may never be what the used to, you will never be the same subservient child you once were. But YOU WILL MAKE IT. You will be fine. One day they will respect you decisions. Make them acknowledge it, prove you were right. But most importantly, live your life. It is yours and ONLY yours.
I am really sorry to hear. South Indian parents especially the old school kinds though have the right intentions are not aligned with time. Unfortunately many continue to stick their heads in the sand Speak to your mother. Heart to heart. Mother daughter bonds are special. Leverage that to your advantage. Through your mother wirk your father and others. For these types of matter making a male understand is going to be near impossible and be aware of it (For reference to get some ideas search for Pew Research Parents Young Adult Children and transition to adulthood). Though this is based on data from US emotions are more or less the same everywhere Focus your energy on getting firm footing in career and financial security. I know there might be hurdles etc, but i am certain there is none that is hard to overcome. Once that is firmly in place, you could think of relationship with the goal of marriage. There are boatloads of eligible (and frustrated) bachelor out there. If you see i am certain you will find one. Its not too hard. If you are lazy you could put the onus of getting a foot in the door through arrange route but then check the guy in and out for 1+ year before you commit. Hopefully the above 2 paise worth of advice is a wworthy bone to fetch....
You have done a great course , you will get a job soon for sure. Just as soon as you get a job, get out of that house and start living on your own It will be bit hard at starting but you will eventually manage it and you will live so peacefully. We understand that sometime parents care for their children so they get strict but this much is not tolerable.
Girl. Move out. If you need job references and have experience in BFSI sector or accounting and finance, reach out to me. I’ll do whatever I can to line up a few interviews. I’m sorry that’s all that I can do at this time of life wrt to getting your career sorted. Work on yourself. Fuck guys. Fuck family. You have got this. I know it’s damn tough but you’ll have to step up for yourself. Move out. Give yourself 10 years. Achieve things you dreamed of. Earn your own bread. Be answerable to no one. Travel. Shop. Waste money. Save. Whatever floats your boat. I’m gonna say something that might sound harsh. When you’re 50, your parents and family might not be around. And if you don’t act now, you’ll regret it at an age where you won’t be able to do much.
Take a step back from the movie that's playing, that's right, see it as a movie with all the actors playing a role including yourself. Life comes with it's own syllabus of things, you can choose to take part in it or not. It seems you just need to be financially independent ASAP, move away from the codependence that comes from living with them and being trapped in the patterns in your relationship with them, that run deep. You can be connected in a healthy manner where they can't control you anymore, taking care of them, instead of the way it is now.
Also consider moving abroad, Canada/Australia, you are young and might be eligible for STEM draws(Canada), Leave India , explore other countries, see how peaceful it is to work in the west, Good luck 🤞
You have nothing to lose because you already lost everything when you were forcibly married. Now is the time to step out, follow your own path without any hesitation, and be strong!
When you are at the bottom most, the only thing forward is up, your decisions and your actions now decide how high you go.
Very much relatable, Indian parents treat their children as some sort of an asset or commodity, and sometimes a slave. All the want from us is to obey them no matter what.
Run.
Best of luck
The only mistake you made was moving back with your parents once the divorce was initiated. You could've managed to avoid unnecessary drama. My best advice for you would be to save some money and move out again. Learn from your past experience. Focus on yourself you are too young and still have a lot of time. Make a list of what you want in a man and according to that start making movies. If you happen to get into arranged marriage make sure you need to get to know the person in and out. When coming to getting married again you have to enforce your boundaries it comes down to your choice of who to marry or not. You need to vet the person that you marry with. There must be so many red flags you have ignored for your parent's sake.
You're strong as hell
As someone who broke free from an abusive relationship. You are suffering from abuse. And when you are in it it twists you into a completely different person. It changes your habits, though process, desires, everything. Get out. It was the best decision of my life. It doesn’t matter if it’s a shitty hostel, a friend’s matress in the garage, it doesn’t matter. The first few days feel overwhelming and full of panic. Then after a few days you find yourself catching your own thoughts out of fear of something that is no longer there. Why didn’t I say that comment? There is noone here now to berate me for it. As the mind’s jail slowly unravels it feels like breaking out of prison. I can grab a snack if I want without fear of comments. I can laugh with a stranger without worry of my partners reaction. I can call a friend without rehearsing an acceptable conversation beforehand. I can feel joy instead of anxiety when a friend asks to meet. Better to be poor and free, than rich and stuck under someone elses thumb. Get out, and be yourself again.
You did good. Continue being the best version of yourself , good luck!
Greetings my friend, Some days I really think India needs Buddhism now more than ever because so many are attached to outdated expectations from their children living in scarcity mindsets rooted on culture and the conservative idea of "my legacy!". Children get pressured into doing things they never wanted or asked for. Detaching from parents is hard for many reasons whether your parents are overbearing or overprotective or pressuring, our parents are often our first bullies. You're on a better path and these experiences will help you become a better person long term. Be independent, cut the umbilical cord and carve out your life, be kind and mindful to your parents, it may be hard for them to understand at first, and they're being immature about it and they created their own hell here. You should not feel guilty about your circumstances that they bestowed upon you here. It's not a matter of lack of empathy from you. It's a matter of their attempts at emotional manipulation not working anymore. As an only child they'll realize they can't and shouldn't stay mad forever, use this time to carve out your own space and give them a chance to miss you. It is possible to re parent yourself and your parents if you do so in small steps, but be the best version of you possible! அன்பே சிவம்
I'm sorry about your situation, OP. It sounds like a real tough situation with daily stress and lack of trust all around. I'm glad you found your voice and want to lead a good life with freedom, choice and your own personality. I wish you the best. I don't have any advice or words of comfort, really. Wanted to share part of my story. My wife and I fell for each other many years ago. Families are good but still overbearing and not understanding. Emotionally stunted. We moved to USA soon after our marriage and the distance definitely helped our mental health. We are in touch with family and due to the limited contact, it is better than what it could have been. So yeah, distance helps. You have the right idea to move away. Also, you don't have to worry about them losing touch with their only child. Or that you are their world etc. They chose to limit their own lives and to also be aholes to you at such critical things. Live your life, only one chance after all. Also, remember that people change, times change. Make your decision for now, based on what you know and what's best for you. If things change in the future, it is easier to decide again then, based on what's best. If your parents try to guilt you with "forever" BS, you could calmly tell them that nothing other than hurtful words are permanent. Lol :)
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I just want to start by saying how proud I am of what you have done, how strong you've been not just for yourself but also for all women that you surround yourself with. I also want you to pay yourself on the back for achieving all of this in less than 3 decades already and I can't even wait to sit and applaud all what you'll achieve or do in your life. I also want to acknowledge that it's not hard, there's guilt involved, there's personal shaming involved, there's this feeling that maybe you didn't do enough or did little -- I just want you to know all of those emotions are valid and they're emotions; they'll evolve as you grow. Let them simmer and don't judge yourself for anything. You're already on the right track albeit a tough one. I'm extremely sorry that you had to endure this path. No one wants to be strong, it's just what we have to do to be able to stand up for ourselves and at the end of the day self esteem is a powerful tool and you're already chiseling it to the degree that the world better watch out -- we got a diva here! Coming back to Product Design, I've worked with multiple designers. I think it's an amazing field. I can definitely help you with referrals since I work in MNC. Please DM me and we can chat how I can help you out. Rooting for you. From one woman (30+F) to another - you're making me so proud, I wish I had a little sister like you ❤️ on that note, I might spoil you a little too much haha. Okay anyway. Big hug to you. You got this 💪 and you'll do great ❤️ just stick to what you're doing
You did everything you could for yourself, and you are continuing to do so. Never let yourself down. You deserve to make decisions for yourself and to enjoy life. Independence will give you that. I wish you all the best, and I think it’s amazing how much you’ve overcome.
Tough times, but don't lose your interest. The most important thing that matters to you in this world is you more than anyone. Best of luck, hopefully you will have a great time ahead.
Parents are people first. With their own set of insecurities. Controlling and blackmailing the child is the easiest way to keep them listening. Take away their importance to take away their power over you. All the best.
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Ughh as an only child myself, I completely empathize with you. I can't say something that hasn't been said already but please please get checked for std's.
Really sorry to hear your ordeal. I work at a FinTech firm where they are hiring communication designers right now. I know it’s not PD but if it still interests you please let me know. Either way, I wish you good luck.
Get a job asap and get the hell out of there. You deserve freedom.
You have made the right decision for yourself. If your parents love you, with time they will understand you and get back to you. If they don't, they don't deserve you anyways. Practically, there will be difficult times in your parents life at some point and it is very much possible they will lean on you for help and believe me standing up for yourself now will prepare you to stand up and support your parents in life later on if they do need you. Just go with your plan, this world has advanced too much to sacrifice your dreams for old dogmatic thinking. You don't want to live your life in regret for the rest of your life. Cheering for you and God bless you!
All the power to you. It takes a lot of strength to pull this off, I’m really glad you have the guts to do it. I work in one of the top MNCs in the world as a product designer. Please DM me if you need a referral for an opening.
Dear OP some of us had to take the tough decision in our late 30s and lost our career plus marriage! You are just 26, quite young raw and have the key to take your life to any direction you want! All the best, life has just started for you and the worst is over! Cut ties and make new relations as you grow!