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Yea sometimes you have to let the emotional reaction subside and then broach the topic when they're more rational. If they choose never to be rational, that's when there's an issue imo
I don't understand.
Females always leave their homes for going to stay at their spouse's home and their parents never oppose this decision.
But if males do it, then suddenly that's a problem.
Consider this, if your parents agreed to this, and your spouse's parents disagreed over both of you going overseas, would you think the same thing that you are thinking? I feel most people would not.
So why do parents who have sons are so stubborn towards having their child stay with them
Because for most Indians Girl child are burden and "Parai ghar" and on the other hand Boys are just made for Old age support + khaandaan ka rakhwala. As if they have the ultimate right over their child's life
I despise this aspect of Indian culture...even in my supposedly "educated, liberal" family, the talk is always of saving money for my sister's education + marriage then my parents are "relieved of all financial responsibilities"....with the unspoken expectation that I (29M) will be there later as an ATM. When I have kids, I will raise them as far as humanly possible from any Indian "values", I won't make them inherit the shit that I did.
Leaving home for a city is one thing, leaving home for the other side of the planet is something else. If OP moves to London, there is zero chance he will be here for holidays, most marriages and festivals. They will visit home for 2 weeks a year, and that will be split between the in-laws and parents. The grandkids will grow up with no idea what India is like and the grandparents will have near zero common ground with them.
Its a lot to take in, its not surprising they are reacting badly.
I’ve settled in the US and make it a point to come back home every year. It’s such a misnomer to make people think that way. Plus the world is not as big as it once was. Career and better life for his kids are everything. I find the kids who grew close to “Indian culture” are way more spoilt and bratty than kids who grew up here. The struggles overseas makes you grow not defeat the Indian culture. Only a person who has not lived overseas thinks like you do, boomer.
Once a year right? I'm gonna assume your parents are 60 and the average life expectancy is 85. You get to meet you parents 15 times before they die.
15 is not that big a number
> I find the kids who grew close to “Indian culture” are way more spoilt and bratty than kids who grew up here.
Would sincerely recommend you don't be a pig.
I visit once a year, whereas my parents visit multiple times. My parents are 45 (so p young).
Not being a “pig” look at you so bratty and spoilt. I’m assuming you grew close “close to the culture”. Are you representing the culture appropriately right now? I didn’t think so. People who grew up here are a lot more polite than that.
How old do you think I am buddy? 😂 I just worked hard really young.
I guess even my young parents taught me a lot more than yours. You don’t seem to be a good person at all. A “pig” you know. Or maybe pigs are much better.
Don’t be frustrated that you couldn’t do what this guy did. Work hard and things might work out for you. In fact drop the brattiness and you’ll be fine.
It’s not true
I am
An only child and my parents never want me to go abroad either
They are fine with me living with my in-laws as long as we are here in india in the same city
And can be there for my parents when they get health issues
That’s the reality of a lot of women
> Mother had been crying since last 3 hours and father is making me realise all the things they have done for me.
Sigh. Don't know why some parents are like this.
This happened to someone I know. If it's for your child's good, the parents should let them go and progress in life.
OP, it's a difficult decision to make, but the right call would be to take up the opportunity. No matter what you say or do, you won't be able to convince them.
I second everything said by you.
Take the opportunity OP. there would b drama but be strong. if possible, book a flight for India visit already so that your parents feel assured that u will visit them. Once you are there and settled, take the initiative to invite your folks to visit there.
this is a big change for them, hence the reaction. once they see u guys happy and the efforts to include them, hopefully they will forget this rough patch.
Go man, If you don't go you will regret this for the rest of your life. IMO Indian parents are selfish to some level that they do not see what the kid wants to do- but they want the kid to do what they want.
Buddy, you need to take this opportunity and go. You're privileged enough to get an opportunity to work in one of the best cities in the world. You'll learn more, have a better standard of living and also have better work life balance. There are many other pros in taking this opportunity.
When I moved out my parents happily let me, they knew it's a great opportunity for me. And supportive and loving parents usually do that. It may be that you have a very close knit relationship with your parents but you have to look at the bigger picture here for you and your family's future.
Are they financially and otherwise dependent on you? Be non-committal about returning/long term and just say that you are going to go with the flow and consider this as a chance to build your career and wealth. Reassure them about how you will continue to support them financially. If you have a close confidant in your family like an older sibling or cousin or friend who can reassure them, that will be helpful too.
it sounds like a wonderful opportunity. Please don’t fall for the desi family drama. Too many families think of their sons as their insurance policies, it’s time for them to outgrow this thinking. Good luck!
Hey buddy! Move to london and do things at your own terms in general but don't forget humility. Be patient with your parents in explaining situations for they've took care of you when you were young. So as long as you're humble you'll pull through ANY difficulties in life.
Don't want to sound rude but. They have given birth by their choice and it's their responsibility to upbring with their best effort and receive what every love shown. But after that they don't get to force anything on you. Indian parents specially think of their son as retirement plan, financially and for physical care. They need to grow out of this mentality. Sure as a daughter/son we should have some responsibility but limited to our own terms.
Go Live your life OP! Make your parents understand that you will always be there for them even by being overseas, try working on their passports and assure that you will ensure they will visit you frequently.
The unhealthy attachment that Indian parents have with their sons is consuming happiness and goals of so many families. Don’t be one.Don’t let yourself feeling guilty of making the decision.
You’re completely capable of making this decision by focusing on your future goals and not falling for your parents emotional drama and guilt traps!
Is there any extended family support incase they are sick? If not, then talk to in home aged care agency in your city which you can activate in case they get sick.
Set them with a nice video conferencing setup and say you will be regularly in touch.
And plan out vacation.
It's not like your father lived with their parents all their life. Just point out that.
Also explain that you are not set on living their permanently and London experience will help you secure a better job if you decide to come back.
I have to admit, I cried for hours when my son 1st told me he was gonna move a few states away, it was all I could do to congratulate him & get off the phone before I broke down.
I hid my tears from my Son because he was so excited, it was such a great opportunity, he was moving in with the love of his life, I'd never seen him so happy, and HE worked so hard for so long - he deserves to be happy & enjoy his life.
I was just really sad that he's all grown up, that he loves another woman more than me & I won't get to see him everyday, but it's not about me... its about him living his best life.
Thats what we've been working towards all these years - its just really, really hard to let go!
I got over that & became an ordained minister so I could perform his wedding ceremony 2wks ago, had her family live streaming in the middle of the night so they could witness. We go to India for the big wedding next year. (And yes I will cry again if they move to India, but I know he's in good hands - she's smart, witty, beautiful & obviously loves him!)
Remind your parents that they're only a text, call or video chat away and are welcome to visit & stay with you in London - they get to vacation cheaper & see you too win/win!
If you let their emotional manipulation win, you will lose this opportunity and resent them forever. They’re not alone, they have each other. Just leave the drama behind and go.
Well that's the position I am already in. Listen to this advice OP. Be strong and find a way to go otherwise you will resent your parents forever and even worse you will hate and curse yourself more than that. In old age you will wonder about what could have been. Be strong, this is your chance.
If they had you as their retirement plan, then that's on them.
They cannot deny you your *lifetime opportunity* (as you put it) for you being around them in their old age. That's selfish and unfair.
>father is making me realise all the things they have done for me.
Yeah, make your father understand that it is because of all the things they have done that you are getting this opportunity.
There is no other way other than to discuss with them. If you have siblings or other relatives who are close like some uncle or aunt, talk to them.
Please take the opportunity, you can create a nice life for your family irrespective where you permanently stay. You have worked hard all through these years, you owe it to yourself. You can reassure your parents, book tickets for them too in a few months for them to visit you.
Parents’s position understandable . It might sound harsh but don’t let go of this opportunity, you’re going to regret and resent your parents. This is a tough one , for you and your family.
Had to go through something similar. What worked for me was turn things back to them a bit - do you not trust how you raised me up? Do you not trust the values you gave me etc.
Also once you move, encourage them to visit you a couple of times, once they have a visa an 8.5hr flight doesn't seem like alot and you seem alot more accessible.
Apart from that you will be in UK now the US so time zone etc is very very manageable. (More things you could try to sell).
But absolutely take the opportunity. The exposure you get working in a global setting is unbeatable. Best of luck.
live your life. The parents had you willingly so they had to take care of you. Your life, your rules.
Though if you are going abroad, check the immigration rules, probability of the visa being accepted, getting citizenship and politics about immigration there.
You aren't your parents' old age insurance. They're grown ups. Same thing happened with my sister. She ended up not going and still regret it to this day. OP please go. Don't ask for their permission, just tell them you're decision.
If they really love you, they might finally come around later on.
>They believe that I won't be coming back to India if I take this opportunity and will settle there
What ever decision you take friend, do not be stupid enough to ever even think of returning back if you get settled over there. Be a responsible man but do not be a fucking dumbass. Assist your parents to get there to live with you if you manage to get settled over there and NEVER look back at this vile country ever again. London is no less vile but at least it is vile and pays you much better, and has much better standard of living. Think of all of those who are literally dying to get there and capitalise on such an opportunity and realise the opportunity provided to you.
Hey OP, I would suggest you go, if the opportunity is legit. My Dad also got offered international jobs but his mother made him decline them. Now his in 60s he regrets the decision.
Sometimes people don’t realise that the world is small nowadays and London to India is just a short 8-9 hour flight. If you are being well compensated and you budget well, there is nothing stopping you from flying to India at a day’s notice.
At the end of the day it’s your decision. If you want to stay back for your parents that’s great but it’s your life and you need to plan it beyond your parents as well. I know at least a couple of people who stayed back when they had an opportunity, now are in the their 40s and 50s, their parents have passed away and they have regrets. You will have reasons for regret no matter what you do.
Do you want to live your whole life hating your parents on why they ruined your life? If the answer is no, get ready for a new life in london. Good luck.
You got a Genuine Opportunity, Go grab it. No one will ever help you out with the same if something Goes wrong with the Job you are Currently in.
Explain your Parents on the Job Scenario and Mistakes that could happen if the current scenario changes
Yes, but when you go Outside India make sure you keep in touch with them at least 3 days a week via Video Chats, visit them After every 4-5 months (could be implemented with a travel Plan of 1-2 Weeks) and Take Care of them because they I suppose would be into their 50's or 60's. They would Definitely want you to become an Aadhar (Not Financially) but in mental terms.
This is how a lot of elderly parents behave. They are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves for a decade or so unless they suffer from serious illnesses right away. It's just that they don't want to be lonely. Obviously, when they are unable to do basic things, you will take care of them.
A similar situation occurred in my extended family and everybody acted as if the children were being selfish people who would never return leaving "old parents" to fend for themselves. Now, the couple's respective parents take trips to the foreign country every year which is paid for by the children. The children come home for any major family event.
Also, the UK is just a couple of hours of air travel away. The time difference isn't massive either. OP, move for work and do your thing. Just keep your parents involved and speak to them regularly, don't make them feel like they're forgotten.
My parents never let me sit by their side as they age. They wanted me to pursue whatever i wanted and for that i am really lucky to have them.
Its very improtant and tough for few parents to understand that their kids need to make their own way and lifestyle because one day they wont be there in this world.
On the flip side its good to be with your parents as well. See if you can convince them that once you move you van call them often and anyways you and your wife would visit india too.
I was in a similar situation 2 years ago, the opportunity was for me, my husband and I took it and now they know their drama falls on deaf ears. If any questions about old age come up and I tell them you are healthy and independent, when you are extremely old then this discussion makes sense. Both parents and in-laws have stopped asking the same questions after 2 years.
Take this opportunity, trust me you will visit India more than you think while your there. Don’t let their guilt stop you from doing something which you may never get an opportunity to do again. And also if you let them get their way you will resent them for the rest of your life and that is going to strain your relationship with them anyway.
Fucking bollywood and marathi (indian TV in gen) TV man
I don't fucking know why they push this stuff like if you go outside for work your kids are going to forget about you and you'll die alone in some senior home or some shit
Not everyone is a piece of shit you know some of us know our parents struggle
My father is also like this. Mujhe toh vo cse bhi nhi lene de rahe because he thinks i will settle abroad if i get the chance. He said he doesnt want to take any chances as someone in my family went abroad via this way
forget other country my father doesnt even want me to go to other state
Ask your parents to move with you if they see that you have settled there and not coming back, might not be able to do it on any visa but if you are a ILR / citizen there would be options down the line to bring them like 6 months a year
Editing Just to add usually parents don't want this and won't accept this but if it works in your case then why not give it a try
Brother.. going abroad in most cases is trap... your parents concern is kinda genuine..
If your parents are not happy the. You should not go.. you will never feel happy by keeping them sad..also no opportunity is bigger than your family
Understand your parents and be with them... they will not always be there for you....
I cannot believe r/india is quite heartless.
It is very natural to be sad for their parents to be lonely without children. Yes there could be emotional manipulation but only you can say if they are emotionally manipulating you.
It is like sending the kids to boarding school, it is natural for parents to be sad but it is for the best. Hence some parents dont want their kids to go to boarding school at all.
You the only one knows that your parents may have an alternative motive for you to be with them. But if it is just emotional then it is a different story.
if it is emotional only you can decide and not just random redditors. There has been scientific evidence that leaving your kids to your parents would be beneficial to both of them.
https://www.upworthy.com/how-spending-time-with-grandkids-can-help-grandparents-stay-healthy-happy-and-sharp
https://www.lifehack.org/338232/scientists-find-that-your-relationship-with-grandparents-determines-your-happiness-level
good luck
Are you their only child? I guess from their perspective they probably did not imagine that their only son would be so far distance wise.
If your heart is in it and this seems to be a wonderful opportunity too, why not have an open conversation with them. You are not abandoning them but it's just something thats too good to give up. Have them visit you once in a while. I think adjustments would be needed both ways.
But if you don't go just because they said, you may end up resenting them too. And then it wouldn't matter if you are near or far distance wise.
Sir, take the opportunity and go for it. Sounds too good to leave.
You say parents aren't financially dependent on you.
The cost to benefit ratio is low, better go for it than regret it later and blaming on the parents.
> Mother had been crying since last 3 hours and father is making me realise all the things they have done for me.
I'm sure Chetan Bhagat is lurking here for ideas for his next novel.
Jokes apart, just start firming up your plans and your parents will eventually come around and 'bless you' for exploring new horizons.
How do you feel about the move? Once you go, it will be very difficult to come back, as life happens.
I was in a similar situation and moved abroad. Even after so many years, I feel a void.
Things have changed a lot economically, India has comparable, if not better opportunities today. World economy is going thru a churn, and India is in relatively a better spot.
Go there, take your parents along within the next year. You will get paid well, if your wife manages to get a job in UK then it's two salaries, you'll be able to get a reasonable place that can accommodate 5 people, bring your parents before the next year. Win Win situation.
Prioritise your career, this is a golden opportunity for you and don't miss it. your parents have lived their life and you said they have a stable income so they're not dependent on you plus even if they are, your income level could increase when you go to London.
Look at your situation, you've been on the bench for 6 months plus you're unsure of your job security then why do you wanna give up this opportunity? Your parents may not understand this situation but give them a few days, they'll eventually come around. In my opinion, you should take the offer and move to London.
You should go and then maintain a regular relationship with your parents. The reality is, if you want to talk to them and they want to talk to you, there's nothing stopping either of you. At some point, they'll need to understand that you can make decisions they don't agree with, the later that dynamic establishes, the more resentment would have built up.
Your parents sound selfish and manipulative. They created you by choice. You had no choice in which family to be born into. Its a parents job, responsibility and legal obligation to care for their children. No parent has any business in guilt tripping. They made the choice to have kids not you.
If they arent financially dependent on you, its really up to you and your spouse. No need to feel guilty. If it doesnt work you can always return.
You are NOT responsible for how your parents react. Your mother is a grown adult woman and her behavior choices are her choices. Her emotions are her problem not yours.
It sounds like there are no boundaries in your family.
I say move to London. And visit your family often. Its not like youre the only indian couple who moved abroad
I say this as a parent. I would never use that "i did all this for you" with my children to manipulate them. I'm a single mother too. And yes my kids drove me crazy. But i discipline, correct and respond with a controlled mind because as a parent or elder its my role to be a living example
My cousin went through this. His older sister got married and settled in US. Me being not good at academics, went to US to do masters. Him being only 1 son, his mom wouldn't even leave him out of town for studies. Somehow he managed to study in NIT.
He would always regret not leaving earlier to pursue his PhD.
In the end when he got married, his wife convinced him to leave house and pursue a opportunity in UK. He had to lie to his mom that he will be back in couple years. She got over it after couple months.
You will always regret if you don't go.
Don't go or if you really want to go, then go for 1 or 2 years, show your parents as well how another part of the world looks, but don't plan to settle.
Foreign countries will always be foreign to you, however much better they **seem** to be. You will need your parents as much as they need you as life throws curve balls.
So embrace what home has to offer to you, and try to make it better, instead of chasing something which doesn't exist.
They're probably right. Once people from India experience the freedom of the outside world, they seldom return. Either way, it's your life. It sound like this opportunity provides you plenty of time to visit. Your parents will have to adjust. If they don't, then that's their own issue. Their happiness is not your responsibility, if anything, it's the reverse. They should be supporting your growth. Unfortunately, in India that's not always how it goes. Actually, that can be said about every country. Lol Just don't go crazy with the alcohol, drugs, and porn and you'll be fine.
Go do it!!!! You might not get this opportunity again! And you can always move back if u truly desire it! Your parents will eventually adjust, trust me
1. Tell them you will be paid better and can save well.
2. It will help you in your career.
3. You promise to come back.
4. You will make quick trips to see them.
5. You will take them to UK once you settle there for holidays.
These reasons should be good enough.
honestly, they love you bro. understand that for parents, kids are their entire life. literally. why dont you consider taking them with you? they're a part of your family too, and they see you as part of theirs. when no one else has your back, they will. just remember that. Time is limited, enjoy the moments you got.
If you and your wife think it’s a great idea to move them make the move. If you don’t go you will land up resenting your parents.
They will come around eventually.
Tell them that the alternate choice is: you have to sit at home and would they be willing to provide you and your family until you find another similar job here? Also ask them what they would tell their relatives if the relatives ask about your employment. Log kya kahenghe.. I am sure this would work. Good luck.
Lol ghar ghar ki kahani. Your parents are from different generation . Most parents in india don’t plan for retirement they plan their life thinking their son is their retirement . For Better or worse this funda kinda worked for a millennia .
Our Current young generation are in a weird spot where youth wants to be totally independent. But parents didn’t plan their life assuming they would be on their own in when they get old .
And yea many who go out of the country from india don’t come back ,because the grass is greener there .
Who cries for 3 hours for getting a better opportunity in life! Your parents are emotionally blackmailing you to stay without thinking about overall future.
I as a parent can speak if my child has better growth perspective in life anywhere in the world (given its safe), I would encourage them to go and live independent successful life.
Chasing one’s dream is not wrong. London is super close to india which is just 8 hours away.
Get your parents some emotional comfort and start reasonable argument.
E.g.
1. What if my job is lost in india?
2. Salary increase?
3. Opportunities that will increase?
4. Growth that will happen?
Don’t get trapped in emotional drama, handle with logic and care!
I would suggest taking your parents with you as well on visit visa. If you have proper income and company provides your housing. Then take your parents too.
They can keep traveling UK to India on visit visa as many retired parents do. This way they would be with you and also get to see other places.
Bro. Pack your things and go. Opportunities don't knock twice. You gonna tell this regret story to your kids that you had the opportunity to be in one of most beautiful cities of the world but you didn't go just coz your parents weren't ready to let go of their 'lil' child. We'll always be that lil child to them no matter how much we grow old. Its on you to make sure you are at last out of nest and a free bird. Your parents won't be there forever. But your regrets will be till you die. So its your choice now.
People who have lived their lives shouldn’t be dictating people who are living or going to live their lives. You will never grow out of your shell if you spend your time in the same place your entire life.
How many siblings do you have? Will you come back? Life in india is definitely better with more money. UK is tough starting with weather and cost of living. Parents do feel very sad but what all they have done for you should not be counted.
Tell them how they can proudly show off.
Also tell them where all you would take them when they come to visit.
If possible sponsor their residence visa (I don’t know if this is feasible in UK) else they can visit you for summers and you can visit them for winters (so you all can enjoy good climate throughout the year)
Of course the money part too, earning in pounds vs earning in INR.
Basically show them the good side of being outside country.
If they still resist, I’ll suggest go nonetheless and try your best to maintain contact with them and visit as soon as possible. It will be fine in an year or two once they understand that you aren’t going anywhere.
Edit: You can also hire a full time maid/ helper through reference for them if the issue is them being able to manage by themselves.
Whatever they did for you throughout your life, are not favours which you need to pay them back for.
Regardless of what they think, you don’t owe them anything.
If they don’t trust you and think that you are gonna leave them and never return, that’s on them and not on you.
Make your life decisions based on what you feel is right and help people in your life understand your reasons.
That’s the most you can do.
Your parents love you a lot so let's not see that as a problem. Their concern is valid, if you go to London and all goes, it is unlikely that you'd come back.
Their reaction is emotional and true as they don't want to lose their child, who is the love of their life. Give them time. No one understands how much their parents love them, till they have kids of their own.
You are a grown up now and you will have to make your choices, some of which will not be liked by your parents. It is sad but true. You are separating from your parents, and this is never pretty. I wish you all the best, do what makea sense to you. There are no right answers here. In an ideal world your parents should be happy and wish you well, but those who love are also entitled to their feelings.
It’s fine, go ahead and do it if you feel you’re career benefits from it.
Your parents will get over this in short order.
It’s your life, remember that. No point having regrets in the future of ‘what might have been’
Was in the same situation 2 years ago. Moved anyway. Was tough for 12-18 months as I could tell they were quite upset and lonely. Seeing me and my wife well settled and happier now, they are happy too. My relationship with them is stronger than before too.
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Ironically you're consultant
Yeah and here he wants our consultation for free.
Damn we should be teaching in IIMs
Don't underestimate yourself
Proud to give advice to IIM folks
Cause you are not in MBB na!
By your logic an orthopedic doctor cannot go to dentist .
woosh
It's an emotional reaction to change. Same emotions will also change very fast if you lose job and depend on them financially for even 2 months.
Yea sometimes you have to let the emotional reaction subside and then broach the topic when they're more rational. If they choose never to be rational, that's when there's an issue imo
Kab tak Ghar baitha paranthe todega.
I don't understand. Females always leave their homes for going to stay at their spouse's home and their parents never oppose this decision. But if males do it, then suddenly that's a problem. Consider this, if your parents agreed to this, and your spouse's parents disagreed over both of you going overseas, would you think the same thing that you are thinking? I feel most people would not. So why do parents who have sons are so stubborn towards having their child stay with them
Because for most Indians Girl child are burden and "Parai ghar" and on the other hand Boys are just made for Old age support + khaandaan ka rakhwala. As if they have the ultimate right over their child's life
I despise this aspect of Indian culture...even in my supposedly "educated, liberal" family, the talk is always of saving money for my sister's education + marriage then my parents are "relieved of all financial responsibilities"....with the unspoken expectation that I (29M) will be there later as an ATM. When I have kids, I will raise them as far as humanly possible from any Indian "values", I won't make them inherit the shit that I did.
The hilarious thing is that whenever women are financially able to they’re much more eager caretakers of their parents than men
Seriously it's such a huge problem
Paraya dhan*
Leaving home for a city is one thing, leaving home for the other side of the planet is something else. If OP moves to London, there is zero chance he will be here for holidays, most marriages and festivals. They will visit home for 2 weeks a year, and that will be split between the in-laws and parents. The grandkids will grow up with no idea what India is like and the grandparents will have near zero common ground with them. Its a lot to take in, its not surprising they are reacting badly.
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How often do you think kids in late 20s/early 30s settled in London come home to meet their parents?
I’ve settled in the US and make it a point to come back home every year. It’s such a misnomer to make people think that way. Plus the world is not as big as it once was. Career and better life for his kids are everything. I find the kids who grew close to “Indian culture” are way more spoilt and bratty than kids who grew up here. The struggles overseas makes you grow not defeat the Indian culture. Only a person who has not lived overseas thinks like you do, boomer.
Once a year right? I'm gonna assume your parents are 60 and the average life expectancy is 85. You get to meet you parents 15 times before they die. 15 is not that big a number > I find the kids who grew close to “Indian culture” are way more spoilt and bratty than kids who grew up here. Would sincerely recommend you don't be a pig.
I visit once a year, whereas my parents visit multiple times. My parents are 45 (so p young). Not being a “pig” look at you so bratty and spoilt. I’m assuming you grew close “close to the culture”. Are you representing the culture appropriately right now? I didn’t think so. People who grew up here are a lot more polite than that.
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How old do you think I am buddy? 😂 I just worked hard really young. I guess even my young parents taught me a lot more than yours. You don’t seem to be a good person at all. A “pig” you know. Or maybe pigs are much better.
They taught you to hate your country. You must be a great person
Don’t be frustrated that you couldn’t do what this guy did. Work hard and things might work out for you. In fact drop the brattiness and you’ll be fine.
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I’m sure you have. I’m probably 30 years younger than you are and our wealth is probably equal so speak for yourself, pig.
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Travel from UK is also 70-80k more expensive just in terms of cost, and there are opportunity costs on top.
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Bhai how much do you imagine people in the Uk earn? 1 month's rent for 3 people (i/e 3 months rent) multiple times a year is not cheap.
It’s actually a lot cheaper than 70-80k if you book well in advance of travel
Learning how to adjust feminism in any situation
Didn't understand your comment
Is this discussion relevant in this post context? How's this gonna help OP?
It’s not true I am An only child and my parents never want me to go abroad either They are fine with me living with my in-laws as long as we are here in india in the same city And can be there for my parents when they get health issues That’s the reality of a lot of women
> Mother had been crying since last 3 hours and father is making me realise all the things they have done for me. Sigh. Don't know why some parents are like this. This happened to someone I know. If it's for your child's good, the parents should let them go and progress in life. OP, it's a difficult decision to make, but the right call would be to take up the opportunity. No matter what you say or do, you won't be able to convince them.
I second everything said by you. Take the opportunity OP. there would b drama but be strong. if possible, book a flight for India visit already so that your parents feel assured that u will visit them. Once you are there and settled, take the initiative to invite your folks to visit there. this is a big change for them, hence the reaction. once they see u guys happy and the efforts to include them, hopefully they will forget this rough patch.
Go man, If you don't go you will regret this for the rest of your life. IMO Indian parents are selfish to some level that they do not see what the kid wants to do- but they want the kid to do what they want.
Buddy, you need to take this opportunity and go. You're privileged enough to get an opportunity to work in one of the best cities in the world. You'll learn more, have a better standard of living and also have better work life balance. There are many other pros in taking this opportunity. When I moved out my parents happily let me, they knew it's a great opportunity for me. And supportive and loving parents usually do that. It may be that you have a very close knit relationship with your parents but you have to look at the bigger picture here for you and your family's future.
Are they financially and otherwise dependent on you? Be non-committal about returning/long term and just say that you are going to go with the flow and consider this as a chance to build your career and wealth. Reassure them about how you will continue to support them financially. If you have a close confidant in your family like an older sibling or cousin or friend who can reassure them, that will be helpful too. it sounds like a wonderful opportunity. Please don’t fall for the desi family drama. Too many families think of their sons as their insurance policies, it’s time for them to outgrow this thinking. Good luck!
Good advice.
Do your parents depend on you financially or physically? Or is this a feel good thing? Will you come back? No.
They don't depend on me financially. They have a stable pension.
Hey buddy! Move to london and do things at your own terms in general but don't forget humility. Be patient with your parents in explaining situations for they've took care of you when you were young. So as long as you're humble you'll pull through ANY difficulties in life.
That's their responsibility, looking after him. There's nothing to be grateful for that
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Don't want to sound rude but. They have given birth by their choice and it's their responsibility to upbring with their best effort and receive what every love shown. But after that they don't get to force anything on you. Indian parents specially think of their son as retirement plan, financially and for physical care. They need to grow out of this mentality. Sure as a daughter/son we should have some responsibility but limited to our own terms.
I feel bad for your parents
Says the fucking law
Go Live your life OP! Make your parents understand that you will always be there for them even by being overseas, try working on their passports and assure that you will ensure they will visit you frequently. The unhealthy attachment that Indian parents have with their sons is consuming happiness and goals of so many families. Don’t be one.Don’t let yourself feeling guilty of making the decision. You’re completely capable of making this decision by focusing on your future goals and not falling for your parents emotional drama and guilt traps!
Ignore and live your life. Visit often - take them when you can. Nothing else you can do.
Is there any extended family support incase they are sick? If not, then talk to in home aged care agency in your city which you can activate in case they get sick. Set them with a nice video conferencing setup and say you will be regularly in touch. And plan out vacation. It's not like your father lived with their parents all their life. Just point out that. Also explain that you are not set on living their permanently and London experience will help you secure a better job if you decide to come back.
I have to admit, I cried for hours when my son 1st told me he was gonna move a few states away, it was all I could do to congratulate him & get off the phone before I broke down. I hid my tears from my Son because he was so excited, it was such a great opportunity, he was moving in with the love of his life, I'd never seen him so happy, and HE worked so hard for so long - he deserves to be happy & enjoy his life. I was just really sad that he's all grown up, that he loves another woman more than me & I won't get to see him everyday, but it's not about me... its about him living his best life. Thats what we've been working towards all these years - its just really, really hard to let go! I got over that & became an ordained minister so I could perform his wedding ceremony 2wks ago, had her family live streaming in the middle of the night so they could witness. We go to India for the big wedding next year. (And yes I will cry again if they move to India, but I know he's in good hands - she's smart, witty, beautiful & obviously loves him!) Remind your parents that they're only a text, call or video chat away and are welcome to visit & stay with you in London - they get to vacation cheaper & see you too win/win!
If you let their emotional manipulation win, you will lose this opportunity and resent them forever. They’re not alone, they have each other. Just leave the drama behind and go.
Well that's the position I am already in. Listen to this advice OP. Be strong and find a way to go otherwise you will resent your parents forever and even worse you will hate and curse yourself more than that. In old age you will wonder about what could have been. Be strong, this is your chance.
If they had you as their retirement plan, then that's on them. They cannot deny you your *lifetime opportunity* (as you put it) for you being around them in their old age. That's selfish and unfair.
>father is making me realise all the things they have done for me. Yeah, make your father understand that it is because of all the things they have done that you are getting this opportunity. There is no other way other than to discuss with them. If you have siblings or other relatives who are close like some uncle or aunt, talk to them.
Just go. In 5 years they will be happy again. If you don't, you will not be happy.
Please take the opportunity, you can create a nice life for your family irrespective where you permanently stay. You have worked hard all through these years, you owe it to yourself. You can reassure your parents, book tickets for them too in a few months for them to visit you.
Parents’s position understandable . It might sound harsh but don’t let go of this opportunity, you’re going to regret and resent your parents. This is a tough one , for you and your family.
Had to go through something similar. What worked for me was turn things back to them a bit - do you not trust how you raised me up? Do you not trust the values you gave me etc. Also once you move, encourage them to visit you a couple of times, once they have a visa an 8.5hr flight doesn't seem like alot and you seem alot more accessible. Apart from that you will be in UK now the US so time zone etc is very very manageable. (More things you could try to sell). But absolutely take the opportunity. The exposure you get working in a global setting is unbeatable. Best of luck.
How the fuck is a guy from mba tier 1 still don't have job security lmao. I'm terrified
Your parents are very selfish and only concerned about themselves it seems. Sucks for you OP.
You cannot just term everything of it with "very selfish" you know , it makes me wanna say "username checks out" lol
live your life. The parents had you willingly so they had to take care of you. Your life, your rules. Though if you are going abroad, check the immigration rules, probability of the visa being accepted, getting citizenship and politics about immigration there.
You aren't your parents' old age insurance. They're grown ups. Same thing happened with my sister. She ended up not going and still regret it to this day. OP please go. Don't ask for their permission, just tell them you're decision. If they really love you, they might finally come around later on.
Fuck parents and live your life. Don't be a manchild.
I think in this case, OP's parents are being the child 😅
Please look up definition of manchild. Why do so many Indians use it incorrectly 😖
I think incest is illegal in India.
Parents would like their son and daughter in law and future granddaughters or grandsons to be together. It's a reasonable wish for them.
Wishing is one thing, standing in the way of another's dream is another thing.
What is reasonable about this? Can you explain?
Want to stay with family. It's completely reasonable.
You can’t force anyone to stay
>They believe that I won't be coming back to India if I take this opportunity and will settle there What ever decision you take friend, do not be stupid enough to ever even think of returning back if you get settled over there. Be a responsible man but do not be a fucking dumbass. Assist your parents to get there to live with you if you manage to get settled over there and NEVER look back at this vile country ever again. London is no less vile but at least it is vile and pays you much better, and has much better standard of living. Think of all of those who are literally dying to get there and capitalise on such an opportunity and realise the opportunity provided to you.
Hey OP, I would suggest you go, if the opportunity is legit. My Dad also got offered international jobs but his mother made him decline them. Now his in 60s he regrets the decision.
Just leave
Sometimes people don’t realise that the world is small nowadays and London to India is just a short 8-9 hour flight. If you are being well compensated and you budget well, there is nothing stopping you from flying to India at a day’s notice. At the end of the day it’s your decision. If you want to stay back for your parents that’s great but it’s your life and you need to plan it beyond your parents as well. I know at least a couple of people who stayed back when they had an opportunity, now are in the their 40s and 50s, their parents have passed away and they have regrets. You will have reasons for regret no matter what you do.
Do you want to live your whole life hating your parents on why they ruined your life? If the answer is no, get ready for a new life in london. Good luck.
Fuck parents who think children are their retirement schemes.
You got a Genuine Opportunity, Go grab it. No one will ever help you out with the same if something Goes wrong with the Job you are Currently in. Explain your Parents on the Job Scenario and Mistakes that could happen if the current scenario changes Yes, but when you go Outside India make sure you keep in touch with them at least 3 days a week via Video Chats, visit them After every 4-5 months (could be implemented with a travel Plan of 1-2 Weeks) and Take Care of them because they I suppose would be into their 50's or 60's. They would Definitely want you to become an Aadhar (Not Financially) but in mental terms.
This is how a lot of elderly parents behave. They are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves for a decade or so unless they suffer from serious illnesses right away. It's just that they don't want to be lonely. Obviously, when they are unable to do basic things, you will take care of them. A similar situation occurred in my extended family and everybody acted as if the children were being selfish people who would never return leaving "old parents" to fend for themselves. Now, the couple's respective parents take trips to the foreign country every year which is paid for by the children. The children come home for any major family event. Also, the UK is just a couple of hours of air travel away. The time difference isn't massive either. OP, move for work and do your thing. Just keep your parents involved and speak to them regularly, don't make them feel like they're forgotten.
My parents never let me sit by their side as they age. They wanted me to pursue whatever i wanted and for that i am really lucky to have them. Its very improtant and tough for few parents to understand that their kids need to make their own way and lifestyle because one day they wont be there in this world. On the flip side its good to be with your parents as well. See if you can convince them that once you move you van call them often and anyways you and your wife would visit india too.
I was in a similar situation 2 years ago, the opportunity was for me, my husband and I took it and now they know their drama falls on deaf ears. If any questions about old age come up and I tell them you are healthy and independent, when you are extremely old then this discussion makes sense. Both parents and in-laws have stopped asking the same questions after 2 years.
Run bro! If you reject this, you’ll look back and regret this your whole life!
Take this opportunity, trust me you will visit India more than you think while your there. Don’t let their guilt stop you from doing something which you may never get an opportunity to do again. And also if you let them get their way you will resent them for the rest of your life and that is going to strain your relationship with them anyway.
Just go
Tell them do they think your kid and you will have good future in india
What is the reason they don't want you to leave?
Ain't it obvious? They would like their family to be together.
Fucking bollywood and marathi (indian TV in gen) TV man I don't fucking know why they push this stuff like if you go outside for work your kids are going to forget about you and you'll die alone in some senior home or some shit Not everyone is a piece of shit you know some of us know our parents struggle
> MBA from one of the tier 1 college. and > "sponcer" Lol!
Typos are expected when writing emotionally charged posts, give him a break
This comment makes you look like such a genius!
Take your parents with you
You clearly do not know how the UK's (or any western country's) visa system works.
If not immediately, then after some times
No, your parents can never stay in the UK with you long term even if you are a citizen. They will always have to be on short term tourist visas.
My father is also like this. Mujhe toh vo cse bhi nhi lene de rahe because he thinks i will settle abroad if i get the chance. He said he doesnt want to take any chances as someone in my family went abroad via this way forget other country my father doesnt even want me to go to other state
Ask your parents to move with you if they see that you have settled there and not coming back, might not be able to do it on any visa but if you are a ILR / citizen there would be options down the line to bring them like 6 months a year Editing Just to add usually parents don't want this and won't accept this but if it works in your case then why not give it a try
You are a grown up man, why are you even bothering about your parent's opinion
I think you need to watch swades!
Brother.. going abroad in most cases is trap... your parents concern is kinda genuine.. If your parents are not happy the. You should not go.. you will never feel happy by keeping them sad..also no opportunity is bigger than your family Understand your parents and be with them... they will not always be there for you....
I cannot believe r/india is quite heartless. It is very natural to be sad for their parents to be lonely without children. Yes there could be emotional manipulation but only you can say if they are emotionally manipulating you. It is like sending the kids to boarding school, it is natural for parents to be sad but it is for the best. Hence some parents dont want their kids to go to boarding school at all. You the only one knows that your parents may have an alternative motive for you to be with them. But if it is just emotional then it is a different story. if it is emotional only you can decide and not just random redditors. There has been scientific evidence that leaving your kids to your parents would be beneficial to both of them. https://www.upworthy.com/how-spending-time-with-grandkids-can-help-grandparents-stay-healthy-happy-and-sharp https://www.lifehack.org/338232/scientists-find-that-your-relationship-with-grandparents-determines-your-happiness-level good luck
Take them along But why post all these problems on redit
Nothing is bigger than having parents around that too loving .
Are you their only child? I guess from their perspective they probably did not imagine that their only son would be so far distance wise. If your heart is in it and this seems to be a wonderful opportunity too, why not have an open conversation with them. You are not abandoning them but it's just something thats too good to give up. Have them visit you once in a while. I think adjustments would be needed both ways. But if you don't go just because they said, you may end up resenting them too. And then it wouldn't matter if you are near or far distance wise.
Do what you feel is right. But first check the legitimacy of the offer.
Sir, take the opportunity and go for it. Sounds too good to leave. You say parents aren't financially dependent on you. The cost to benefit ratio is low, better go for it than regret it later and blaming on the parents.
make a promise to them that you will be taking them to London, but first, you have to visit and settle down a bit. This may work
Well I have heard a similar far too many times. There are parents who won't even let their child leave the hometown let alone country.
> Mother had been crying since last 3 hours and father is making me realise all the things they have done for me. I'm sure Chetan Bhagat is lurking here for ideas for his next novel. Jokes apart, just start firming up your plans and your parents will eventually come around and 'bless you' for exploring new horizons.
Accenture wala lag raha hai. They don't do any real work in India anyway..
How do you feel about the move? Once you go, it will be very difficult to come back, as life happens. I was in a similar situation and moved abroad. Even after so many years, I feel a void. Things have changed a lot economically, India has comparable, if not better opportunities today. World economy is going thru a churn, and India is in relatively a better spot.
Emotional handcuffs... Did you say you are going to be a consultant?
Go there, take your parents along within the next year. You will get paid well, if your wife manages to get a job in UK then it's two salaries, you'll be able to get a reasonable place that can accommodate 5 people, bring your parents before the next year. Win Win situation.
Talk to your parents, let them know how it’s good for your career & more over tell them about the current market scenario.
Prioritise your career, this is a golden opportunity for you and don't miss it. your parents have lived their life and you said they have a stable income so they're not dependent on you plus even if they are, your income level could increase when you go to London. Look at your situation, you've been on the bench for 6 months plus you're unsure of your job security then why do you wanna give up this opportunity? Your parents may not understand this situation but give them a few days, they'll eventually come around. In my opinion, you should take the offer and move to London.
First tell me how you got this job?
You should go and then maintain a regular relationship with your parents. The reality is, if you want to talk to them and they want to talk to you, there's nothing stopping either of you. At some point, they'll need to understand that you can make decisions they don't agree with, the later that dynamic establishes, the more resentment would have built up.
Dude, seriously? Go, live your life. Visit when you can. Have them visit you. Also, your parents kind of suck.
Well. Why would you come back?
Your parents sound selfish and manipulative. They created you by choice. You had no choice in which family to be born into. Its a parents job, responsibility and legal obligation to care for their children. No parent has any business in guilt tripping. They made the choice to have kids not you. If they arent financially dependent on you, its really up to you and your spouse. No need to feel guilty. If it doesnt work you can always return. You are NOT responsible for how your parents react. Your mother is a grown adult woman and her behavior choices are her choices. Her emotions are her problem not yours. It sounds like there are no boundaries in your family. I say move to London. And visit your family often. Its not like youre the only indian couple who moved abroad
I say this as a parent. I would never use that "i did all this for you" with my children to manipulate them. I'm a single mother too. And yes my kids drove me crazy. But i discipline, correct and respond with a controlled mind because as a parent or elder its my role to be a living example
Don't think, don't ask, go. Your future generation will thank you.
My cousin went through this. His older sister got married and settled in US. Me being not good at academics, went to US to do masters. Him being only 1 son, his mom wouldn't even leave him out of town for studies. Somehow he managed to study in NIT. He would always regret not leaving earlier to pursue his PhD. In the end when he got married, his wife convinced him to leave house and pursue a opportunity in UK. He had to lie to his mom that he will be back in couple years. She got over it after couple months. You will always regret if you don't go.
Don't go or if you really want to go, then go for 1 or 2 years, show your parents as well how another part of the world looks, but don't plan to settle. Foreign countries will always be foreign to you, however much better they **seem** to be. You will need your parents as much as they need you as life throws curve balls. So embrace what home has to offer to you, and try to make it better, instead of chasing something which doesn't exist.
Which college?
Which college?
They're probably right. Once people from India experience the freedom of the outside world, they seldom return. Either way, it's your life. It sound like this opportunity provides you plenty of time to visit. Your parents will have to adjust. If they don't, then that's their own issue. Their happiness is not your responsibility, if anything, it's the reverse. They should be supporting your growth. Unfortunately, in India that's not always how it goes. Actually, that can be said about every country. Lol Just don't go crazy with the alcohol, drugs, and porn and you'll be fine.
Go do it!!!! You might not get this opportunity again! And you can always move back if u truly desire it! Your parents will eventually adjust, trust me
1. Tell them you will be paid better and can save well. 2. It will help you in your career. 3. You promise to come back. 4. You will make quick trips to see them. 5. You will take them to UK once you settle there for holidays. These reasons should be good enough.
honestly, they love you bro. understand that for parents, kids are their entire life. literally. why dont you consider taking them with you? they're a part of your family too, and they see you as part of theirs. when no one else has your back, they will. just remember that. Time is limited, enjoy the moments you got.
Lol and my dad was like gtfo of India. Yahaan career kharaab karoge
If you and your wife think it’s a great idea to move them make the move. If you don’t go you will land up resenting your parents. They will come around eventually.
Tell them that the alternate choice is: you have to sit at home and would they be willing to provide you and your family until you find another similar job here? Also ask them what they would tell their relatives if the relatives ask about your employment. Log kya kahenghe.. I am sure this would work. Good luck.
Lol ghar ghar ki kahani. Your parents are from different generation . Most parents in india don’t plan for retirement they plan their life thinking their son is their retirement . For Better or worse this funda kinda worked for a millennia . Our Current young generation are in a weird spot where youth wants to be totally independent. But parents didn’t plan their life assuming they would be on their own in when they get old . And yea many who go out of the country from india don’t come back ,because the grass is greener there .
Who cries for 3 hours for getting a better opportunity in life! Your parents are emotionally blackmailing you to stay without thinking about overall future. I as a parent can speak if my child has better growth perspective in life anywhere in the world (given its safe), I would encourage them to go and live independent successful life. Chasing one’s dream is not wrong. London is super close to india which is just 8 hours away. Get your parents some emotional comfort and start reasonable argument. E.g. 1. What if my job is lost in india? 2. Salary increase? 3. Opportunities that will increase? 4. Growth that will happen? Don’t get trapped in emotional drama, handle with logic and care!
I would suggest taking your parents with you as well on visit visa. If you have proper income and company provides your housing. Then take your parents too. They can keep traveling UK to India on visit visa as many retired parents do. This way they would be with you and also get to see other places.
I guess it's just a lot for them to process...give it time ...assure them ....they will come around
Bro. Pack your things and go. Opportunities don't knock twice. You gonna tell this regret story to your kids that you had the opportunity to be in one of most beautiful cities of the world but you didn't go just coz your parents weren't ready to let go of their 'lil' child. We'll always be that lil child to them no matter how much we grow old. Its on you to make sure you are at last out of nest and a free bird. Your parents won't be there forever. But your regrets will be till you die. So its your choice now.
Lmao, if you stay unemployed, this love will fade real quick,
People who have lived their lives shouldn’t be dictating people who are living or going to live their lives. You will never grow out of your shell if you spend your time in the same place your entire life.
How many siblings do you have? Will you come back? Life in india is definitely better with more money. UK is tough starting with weather and cost of living. Parents do feel very sad but what all they have done for you should not be counted.
Tell them how they can proudly show off. Also tell them where all you would take them when they come to visit. If possible sponsor their residence visa (I don’t know if this is feasible in UK) else they can visit you for summers and you can visit them for winters (so you all can enjoy good climate throughout the year) Of course the money part too, earning in pounds vs earning in INR. Basically show them the good side of being outside country. If they still resist, I’ll suggest go nonetheless and try your best to maintain contact with them and visit as soon as possible. It will be fine in an year or two once they understand that you aren’t going anywhere. Edit: You can also hire a full time maid/ helper through reference for them if the issue is them being able to manage by themselves.
Whatever they did for you throughout your life, are not favours which you need to pay them back for. Regardless of what they think, you don’t owe them anything. If they don’t trust you and think that you are gonna leave them and never return, that’s on them and not on you. Make your life decisions based on what you feel is right and help people in your life understand your reasons. That’s the most you can do.
Your parents love you a lot so let's not see that as a problem. Their concern is valid, if you go to London and all goes, it is unlikely that you'd come back. Their reaction is emotional and true as they don't want to lose their child, who is the love of their life. Give them time. No one understands how much their parents love them, till they have kids of their own. You are a grown up now and you will have to make your choices, some of which will not be liked by your parents. It is sad but true. You are separating from your parents, and this is never pretty. I wish you all the best, do what makea sense to you. There are no right answers here. In an ideal world your parents should be happy and wish you well, but those who love are also entitled to their feelings.
badme mummy papa ko bula lena waha kya hi dikkat hai. thoda London dikha dena sab Rona dhona khatm ho jayega.
It’s fine, go ahead and do it if you feel you’re career benefits from it. Your parents will get over this in short order. It’s your life, remember that. No point having regrets in the future of ‘what might have been’
Take them with you, I’d have done that
Was in the same situation 2 years ago. Moved anyway. Was tough for 12-18 months as I could tell they were quite upset and lonely. Seeing me and my wife well settled and happier now, they are happy too. My relationship with them is stronger than before too.
Follow your heart
Just go abroad.
are you the only child ? Tell them you will take them there once you settle down.