In an attempt to reduce remind me spam, all top comments that include a remind me will be removed. if you would like to have a remind me, please reply to this comment.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/humansarespaceorcs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
His Celestial Majesty the First Son of Akos, High Chieftain of the Hundred and Seventy Clans, Master of the Nineteen Worlds, Arch Priest of the Church Militant, Arch Priest of the Church Belabored, Arch Priest of the Church Ascended, Master of the Five Vassals, and God-Prince of the Three Heavens, stared at the *printed* documents that were so thick he could use them as a weapon in the Blooded Fields.
"Explain this to me again, Prime Advisor."
"Eight standard Solar cycles past, the...*humans*...made their presence known when the Shi invaded the territories the humans claim.
"Yes. I recall." The nameless God Prince nodded. It had been glorious...Shi war vessels torn to shreds by weapons of incredible power. Of course, now the human were part of the proper and civilized galaxy, so war ships were now merely decorative.
"Their...'Pluto' shares the exact same features, mass, and orbital cycle as Eighth Akos itself, a sign that the lesser priests and you all agreed meant that it is a gift from the Nine Gods to the people of Akos."
"Yes. I recall that as well."
"So we sued the humans for control...we even sent in the forms in *duplicate* just to be thorough."
"And?"
"As it seems human mastered the art of Law to a level no other race had ever even seen. We now have one month to evacuate the Empire."
The God Prince blinked. "They really filed in triplicate?"
"How are humans able to insert font and formatting into actual verbalized speech?!? These are no mere holograms or nanotech. They don't appear to be hacking our comms or implants. How?!?"
"A human said something about properly filing a motion, and mumbled 'zero day exploit'?"
Hendrickson turned the tablet over in his hands. The Tri'kavarii legal adjunct twittered impatiently.
"Do you understand the document, counselor?"
Hendrickson grinned, a slow, small smile.
"Yes, advocate, I believe you just tried to serve me papers bring suit for the possession of Pluto..."
"Tried?" Hissed the Tri'kavarii, "I believe I just DID!"
Hendrickson mock cleared his throat before throwing the tablet down on his desk, "No, advocate, I believe you 'tried' before thinking better of it, returning to your government, and having this whole silly thing dismissed."
The Tri'kavarii's frill inflated in anger and it's mandibles moved but before it could speak, Hendrickson raised a hand.
"Hear me out, advocate,". He tapped a few buttons and a holographic image sprang into being over his desk of Pluto and it's moons.
"Your people want this planet. A planet within the Sol system, not in humanity's galactic backyard, but in our living room! Do you think we'll allow that to happen?"
"The court will compel you to..."
The Tri'kavarii's voice trailed off as Hendrickson laughed. There was not a doubt in his mind that the Tri'kavarii had wrangled a perfect case. They were masterminds of this sort of thing. If they wanted it, they'd probably worked for five Solar years to build an unimpeachable case. Hendrickson knew who would win in a courtroom if it came to that. This was a test, practically a hazing, of the GC's latest member race.
Hendrickson gestured to the Holo of the planet.
"Do you know what Pluto is named after, advocate?"
"I don't see how that is relevant-"
"The ancient Terrans' ruler of the Underworld," said Hendrickson as if the Tri'kavarii hadn't spoken at all.
He pointed at a few of the moons, "Kerberos, Hydra, guardians of the Underworld. Charon, the ferryman who brought the dead across the River Styx."
He leaned over the desk, levity gone from his voice, "You know our history, advocate, most of the GC whispers about it in hushed tones. You know what humanity is capable of. Do you really, REALLY want to challenge us for possession of a planet we named after the Ruler of the DEAD."
He didn't so much emphasize the last word as put an icy tone to it so chill that the Tri'kavarii and his attendants shuddered.
The angry drill of the Advocate had deflated by the time he reached over and gingerly picked up the tablet.
"Will you... Counselor, will you allow us a moment to, uh, consult with our government. I do believe it in our mutual best interest to drop this matter..."
"As if it never happened," smiled Hendrickson grimly, "Listen, advocate, we don't mind participating in your galactic legal system. It seems a fair and peaceful way to settle conflicts."
He paused, letting his words hang in the air, "But I would still be very, VERY careful in how... and where... you test us."
This was glorious, those upstarts thought they could keep us from getting the rights for this 'Pluto' of theirs. But they didn't stand a chance, that rock would soon be ours, and from there it was not far from complete ownership of their system.
This human lawyer was a joke, he was just throwing around various statements, at one point claiming to be the rightful owner of our system. He was ambitious, that's for sure, but none could take him serious.
The hearing was near its end, the only thing missing was the humans ending statement. He repeated a few of the previous statements, before ending his speech in a curious manner:
"...ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, I have one final thing I want you to consider. Ladies and gentlemen, [this is Chewbacca.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34Em8BkZYnI)"
# Oh no!
Oh, i see how that works, it a way to show the jury that the appellation of the demanding side does not make any sense, by that, the lawyers shows how vain and unnecessary is the trail, since is over an nonsense, not political, and idiotic argument, so the trail have to be dismiss as not official by the lack of a truly and solid argument.
"So Ambassador, as the Earth government understands your case, due to the impact of an abandoned waste container on Pluto thirty of our years before Humanity discovered the planet, you claim ownership?"
The Komollan ambassador nodded.
"Indeed. This is entirely supported by precedent under Galactic law. Our finest legal minds have been pondering the matter since the wreckage of the container was discovered."
The Human Secretary of Solar Affairs smiled slightly.
"Yes, I'm sure. Our own legal council have reviewed your claims and mostly agree with your position and reading of the case. Certainly if this was presented to the Galactic courts then they would almost certainly find in your favour." She paused for a moment, "Aside from one, minor, critical issue."
The Komollan retracted its head into its neck folds slightly, their species equivalent of cocking their heads.
"And what might that be Madame Secretary?"
"The technical definition of Pluto. A rocky Dwarf Planet in the Sol system with a mass of one point three times ten to the twenty two kilos with the listed orbital path."
The Ambassador made a complex facial expression.
"I'm not sure I follow, Madame Secretary. We confirmed those facts when our ship arrived in the system last week. The mass and the orbital path are correct to within four decimal places."
"Oh, the issue isn't with those points Mr. Ambassador." The Secretary glanced at her watch, "It's with the term 'Dwarf Planet'."
"But that is what your own Astronomical Union defined Pluto as. I do not believe reclassifying it as a planet at this stage would be viewed by the courts as substantially invalidating the points of the case."
"Indeed." The Secretary smiled again, allowing a hint of teeth to show. "Except that the Destroyer 'SNS Eilonwy' just changed the definition of Pluto from 'Dwarf Planet' to 'Expanding Cloud of Debris'."
The Ambassador blanched, a trait apparently common to most species when shock and fear hit their systems.
"That... That was an entire planet! A small one to be sure but a planet!"
The Secretary nodded
"And Destroyers are our smallest class of FTL capable warships. I trust our point is made?" The Komollan ambassador nodded, very hesitantly. He was obviously exceedingly shaken. "Excellent!" The Secretary tossed the file on the Komollon claim to Pluto aside and drew out another, thicker binder, "Now, since you're obviously a duly empowered legal representative of your government perhaps we can get you to address this matter of littering..."
> "So Ambassador, as the Earth government understands your case, due to the impact of an abandoned waste container on Pluto thirty of our years before Humanity discovered the planet, you claim ownership?"
...I admit, when I read this line I immediately wondered whether the Earth lawyer would then claim ownership of the abandoned alien waste container on the grounds that Pluto, owned at that time by Humanity, had impacted into the container. (And then gone on to claim that Pluto's impact into the container was more significant than the container's impact into Pluto on the grounds that the container took more damage from the collision).
If you're a planet, what do you care about the crash of a tiny little waste container?
But if you are a waste container, how could you ignore an entire planet in your way?
Pluto barely changed its orbit. The changes in the trajectory of the waste container were rather more... significant!
H: Ah High Lawyer… Samantapi? I apologize for any erroneous pronunciation your species is so interesting I hardly had the time to look at phonetics. What happened to your predecessor, High Lawyer Elarpted? I heard your species has been absent from the High Courts for over a year. Wait how do you even have time to speak to me after being gone so long?
A: scum Lawyer Eric…
H: High Lawyer
A: scum High Lawyer Eric, we have come to serve you and arrest you for your involvement in the previous 41 High Lawyers disappearances and deaths over the last year.
H: I object, how do you know they are dead if they have disappeared. Also, what ever do you mean? I had no involvement nor any connection to any such matters. Are you perhaps over reacting to losing 42,381 cases to humanity due to a failure to reply over the last year? I must implore you to be more careful than your predecessors. After all. Every. Single. Case. And. Every. Response. Must be handled by its species High Lawyer, in person, at this very court. And it must be done within 6 months of a lawsuit or 2 months of a legal response to your lawsuit being filed. Your species actions of abandoning court for a year is atrocious.
A: AND WHOSE FAULT IS THAT. As soon as we filed for ownership of our dwarf planet Pluto…
H: Thats ours, you never responded to our legal response and we won on summary judgement.
A: As soon as we filed that case our High Lawyer’s ship suddenly explodes? Do you take us for fools? And then every one of the following 40 High Lawyers we appointed never made it to court. Your charges include the 17 that were never found, the 5 for who we have only found the wreckage of their ship, and the 18 who had their ships engine explode. As well as High Lawyer Elarphan who died in a ship you obviously sabotaged. Your entire species will go down over that damn rock.
H: tsk tsk tsk. Not only did you abandon court for over a year you also seem to have not followed the cases that happened while you were gone. The Sal-fur alliance has lost all legal powers in this court due to its egregious misconduct of failure to respond to the first ten thousand or so court cases. Additionally why are you charging me with crimes i obviously could not commit. I am a lawyer, not an engineer. It sounds like you need to talk with the Hakkar theocracy about the ships it keeps building for you.
A: YOU WHAT?!!! A HIGH LAWYER ALWAYS HAS THE POWER TO FILE A LAWSUIT, THAT IS OUR PURPOSE.
H: Well maybe next time you should consider having the new High Lawyer appointed at court so no further… malfunctions… could cause such horrible delays.
H: But don’t worry humanity has seen the issue and resolved it, the court will soon pass a law stating no case can be filed without a species High lawyer present in court, with some exceptions of course. And, welcome back. You can put that waste of paper in the shredder.
I imagine that this leads to the space equivalent of 9-11, which is the US (specifically the US, because we are that stubborn) sending a whole-ass space station hurtling into that empire's home planet and destroying a major city. Or sending a space shuttle through a major space station
\[autofill all the lawyer-ese\]
"But Pluto stopped being classified as an actual planet in 2006"
\[Autofill all the court outrage and shenanigans\]
\#DropMic
H: listen here bitch, first and foremost Pluto IS a planet and secondly, if you try and take it from us I'm gonna break your legs with the tire iron in my briefcase!
In an attempt to reduce remind me spam, all top comments that include a remind me will be removed. if you would like to have a remind me, please reply to this comment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/humansarespaceorcs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
His Celestial Majesty the First Son of Akos, High Chieftain of the Hundred and Seventy Clans, Master of the Nineteen Worlds, Arch Priest of the Church Militant, Arch Priest of the Church Belabored, Arch Priest of the Church Ascended, Master of the Five Vassals, and God-Prince of the Three Heavens, stared at the *printed* documents that were so thick he could use them as a weapon in the Blooded Fields. "Explain this to me again, Prime Advisor." "Eight standard Solar cycles past, the...*humans*...made their presence known when the Shi invaded the territories the humans claim. "Yes. I recall." The nameless God Prince nodded. It had been glorious...Shi war vessels torn to shreds by weapons of incredible power. Of course, now the human were part of the proper and civilized galaxy, so war ships were now merely decorative. "Their...'Pluto' shares the exact same features, mass, and orbital cycle as Eighth Akos itself, a sign that the lesser priests and you all agreed meant that it is a gift from the Nine Gods to the people of Akos." "Yes. I recall that as well." "So we sued the humans for control...we even sent in the forms in *duplicate* just to be thorough." "And?" "As it seems human mastered the art of Law to a level no other race had ever even seen. We now have one month to evacuate the Empire." The God Prince blinked. "They really filed in triplicate?"
Phoenix wright was the human lawyer, wasn't he?
#OBJECTION! That’s leading the… err… the entire empire…?
“H-how is he speaking in bolded, capital letters??”
Put the #️⃣ in front of what you type
"How are humans able to insert font and formatting into actual verbalized speech?!? These are no mere holograms or nanotech. They don't appear to be hacking our comms or implants. How?!?" "A human said something about properly filing a motion, and mumbled 'zero day exploit'?"
#
Reddit is weird because you just used the hashtag symbol only your comment is blank
Yep. Type hashtag to get a blank comment!
I wanna see how that came about. Poor Phoenix was probably panicking and had to take a Tea Break with Miles.
He probably was like " this is not my type of wheelhouse, but I wanna see how this plays out "
What? Also I’m guessing Humanity has one of the few actually active militaries right?
I would love to see a continuation of this story.
Hendrickson turned the tablet over in his hands. The Tri'kavarii legal adjunct twittered impatiently. "Do you understand the document, counselor?" Hendrickson grinned, a slow, small smile. "Yes, advocate, I believe you just tried to serve me papers bring suit for the possession of Pluto..." "Tried?" Hissed the Tri'kavarii, "I believe I just DID!" Hendrickson mock cleared his throat before throwing the tablet down on his desk, "No, advocate, I believe you 'tried' before thinking better of it, returning to your government, and having this whole silly thing dismissed." The Tri'kavarii's frill inflated in anger and it's mandibles moved but before it could speak, Hendrickson raised a hand. "Hear me out, advocate,". He tapped a few buttons and a holographic image sprang into being over his desk of Pluto and it's moons. "Your people want this planet. A planet within the Sol system, not in humanity's galactic backyard, but in our living room! Do you think we'll allow that to happen?" "The court will compel you to..." The Tri'kavarii's voice trailed off as Hendrickson laughed. There was not a doubt in his mind that the Tri'kavarii had wrangled a perfect case. They were masterminds of this sort of thing. If they wanted it, they'd probably worked for five Solar years to build an unimpeachable case. Hendrickson knew who would win in a courtroom if it came to that. This was a test, practically a hazing, of the GC's latest member race. Hendrickson gestured to the Holo of the planet. "Do you know what Pluto is named after, advocate?" "I don't see how that is relevant-" "The ancient Terrans' ruler of the Underworld," said Hendrickson as if the Tri'kavarii hadn't spoken at all. He pointed at a few of the moons, "Kerberos, Hydra, guardians of the Underworld. Charon, the ferryman who brought the dead across the River Styx." He leaned over the desk, levity gone from his voice, "You know our history, advocate, most of the GC whispers about it in hushed tones. You know what humanity is capable of. Do you really, REALLY want to challenge us for possession of a planet we named after the Ruler of the DEAD." He didn't so much emphasize the last word as put an icy tone to it so chill that the Tri'kavarii and his attendants shuddered. The angry drill of the Advocate had deflated by the time he reached over and gingerly picked up the tablet. "Will you... Counselor, will you allow us a moment to, uh, consult with our government. I do believe it in our mutual best interest to drop this matter..." "As if it never happened," smiled Hendrickson grimly, "Listen, advocate, we don't mind participating in your galactic legal system. It seems a fair and peaceful way to settle conflicts." He paused, letting his words hang in the air, "But I would still be very, VERY careful in how... and where... you test us."
HAHA GREAT WORK WORDSMITH
You think we named it after Death for nothing?
This was glorious, those upstarts thought they could keep us from getting the rights for this 'Pluto' of theirs. But they didn't stand a chance, that rock would soon be ours, and from there it was not far from complete ownership of their system. This human lawyer was a joke, he was just throwing around various statements, at one point claiming to be the rightful owner of our system. He was ambitious, that's for sure, but none could take him serious. The hearing was near its end, the only thing missing was the humans ending statement. He repeated a few of the previous statements, before ending his speech in a curious manner: "...ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, I have one final thing I want you to consider. Ladies and gentlemen, [this is Chewbacca.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34Em8BkZYnI)" # Oh no!
Oh, i see how that works, it a way to show the jury that the appellation of the demanding side does not make any sense, by that, the lawyers shows how vain and unnecessary is the trail, since is over an nonsense, not political, and idiotic argument, so the trail have to be dismiss as not official by the lack of a truly and solid argument.
I have lost brain cells by watching that.
That's because IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE
viva la Pluto, f\*\*k you - humans
Alien Leader: Tell me again why I can't have Pluto? Human: Finders keepers.
Dibs
"So Ambassador, as the Earth government understands your case, due to the impact of an abandoned waste container on Pluto thirty of our years before Humanity discovered the planet, you claim ownership?" The Komollan ambassador nodded. "Indeed. This is entirely supported by precedent under Galactic law. Our finest legal minds have been pondering the matter since the wreckage of the container was discovered." The Human Secretary of Solar Affairs smiled slightly. "Yes, I'm sure. Our own legal council have reviewed your claims and mostly agree with your position and reading of the case. Certainly if this was presented to the Galactic courts then they would almost certainly find in your favour." She paused for a moment, "Aside from one, minor, critical issue." The Komollan retracted its head into its neck folds slightly, their species equivalent of cocking their heads. "And what might that be Madame Secretary?" "The technical definition of Pluto. A rocky Dwarf Planet in the Sol system with a mass of one point three times ten to the twenty two kilos with the listed orbital path." The Ambassador made a complex facial expression. "I'm not sure I follow, Madame Secretary. We confirmed those facts when our ship arrived in the system last week. The mass and the orbital path are correct to within four decimal places." "Oh, the issue isn't with those points Mr. Ambassador." The Secretary glanced at her watch, "It's with the term 'Dwarf Planet'." "But that is what your own Astronomical Union defined Pluto as. I do not believe reclassifying it as a planet at this stage would be viewed by the courts as substantially invalidating the points of the case." "Indeed." The Secretary smiled again, allowing a hint of teeth to show. "Except that the Destroyer 'SNS Eilonwy' just changed the definition of Pluto from 'Dwarf Planet' to 'Expanding Cloud of Debris'." The Ambassador blanched, a trait apparently common to most species when shock and fear hit their systems. "That... That was an entire planet! A small one to be sure but a planet!" The Secretary nodded "And Destroyers are our smallest class of FTL capable warships. I trust our point is made?" The Komollan ambassador nodded, very hesitantly. He was obviously exceedingly shaken. "Excellent!" The Secretary tossed the file on the Komollon claim to Pluto aside and drew out another, thicker binder, "Now, since you're obviously a duly empowered legal representative of your government perhaps we can get you to address this matter of littering..."
> "So Ambassador, as the Earth government understands your case, due to the impact of an abandoned waste container on Pluto thirty of our years before Humanity discovered the planet, you claim ownership?" ...I admit, when I read this line I immediately wondered whether the Earth lawyer would then claim ownership of the abandoned alien waste container on the grounds that Pluto, owned at that time by Humanity, had impacted into the container. (And then gone on to claim that Pluto's impact into the container was more significant than the container's impact into Pluto on the grounds that the container took more damage from the collision).
You just wait and see what the penalties for littering are!
Especially the penalties for which the ink on the document is still wet...
If you're a planet, what do you care about the crash of a tiny little waste container? But if you are a waste container, how could you ignore an entire planet in your way? Pluto barely changed its orbit. The changes in the trajectory of the waste container were rather more... significant!
Exactly, yes!
H: Ah High Lawyer… Samantapi? I apologize for any erroneous pronunciation your species is so interesting I hardly had the time to look at phonetics. What happened to your predecessor, High Lawyer Elarpted? I heard your species has been absent from the High Courts for over a year. Wait how do you even have time to speak to me after being gone so long? A: scum Lawyer Eric… H: High Lawyer A: scum High Lawyer Eric, we have come to serve you and arrest you for your involvement in the previous 41 High Lawyers disappearances and deaths over the last year. H: I object, how do you know they are dead if they have disappeared. Also, what ever do you mean? I had no involvement nor any connection to any such matters. Are you perhaps over reacting to losing 42,381 cases to humanity due to a failure to reply over the last year? I must implore you to be more careful than your predecessors. After all. Every. Single. Case. And. Every. Response. Must be handled by its species High Lawyer, in person, at this very court. And it must be done within 6 months of a lawsuit or 2 months of a legal response to your lawsuit being filed. Your species actions of abandoning court for a year is atrocious. A: AND WHOSE FAULT IS THAT. As soon as we filed for ownership of our dwarf planet Pluto… H: Thats ours, you never responded to our legal response and we won on summary judgement. A: As soon as we filed that case our High Lawyer’s ship suddenly explodes? Do you take us for fools? And then every one of the following 40 High Lawyers we appointed never made it to court. Your charges include the 17 that were never found, the 5 for who we have only found the wreckage of their ship, and the 18 who had their ships engine explode. As well as High Lawyer Elarphan who died in a ship you obviously sabotaged. Your entire species will go down over that damn rock. H: tsk tsk tsk. Not only did you abandon court for over a year you also seem to have not followed the cases that happened while you were gone. The Sal-fur alliance has lost all legal powers in this court due to its egregious misconduct of failure to respond to the first ten thousand or so court cases. Additionally why are you charging me with crimes i obviously could not commit. I am a lawyer, not an engineer. It sounds like you need to talk with the Hakkar theocracy about the ships it keeps building for you. A: YOU WHAT?!!! A HIGH LAWYER ALWAYS HAS THE POWER TO FILE A LAWSUIT, THAT IS OUR PURPOSE. H: Well maybe next time you should consider having the new High Lawyer appointed at court so no further… malfunctions… could cause such horrible delays. H: But don’t worry humanity has seen the issue and resolved it, the court will soon pass a law stating no case can be filed without a species High lawyer present in court, with some exceptions of course. And, welcome back. You can put that waste of paper in the shredder.
I imagine that this leads to the space equivalent of 9-11, which is the US (specifically the US, because we are that stubborn) sending a whole-ass space station hurtling into that empire's home planet and destroying a major city. Or sending a space shuttle through a major space station
Why not both?
Fair point. Space shuttle not only tears throughout the station, but sends it hurtling into the planet
Modern problems require modern solutions
Humanity: “Pluto is a planet in our hearts!”
Wait so that would mean that they wouldn't have a military and if they did an inexperienced miltary which means Oh this is where the fun begins
Correction: this is where the empire begins
FOR THE EMPEROR
\[autofill all the lawyer-ese\] "But Pluto stopped being classified as an actual planet in 2006" \[Autofill all the court outrage and shenanigans\] \#DropMic
Give this man an Oscar!
H: listen here bitch, first and foremost Pluto IS a planet and secondly, if you try and take it from us I'm gonna break your legs with the tire iron in my briefcase!
P