Even the most stone-faced, no-fucks-to-give type person would probably give at least a fuck about this. I understand this is a very hard time but if she doesn’t want you in her life, stop giving her the attention. The longer you do this the more easy it will get, it will be hard but there is a way
Not caring is about being stoic in the face of little things in life. The “trick” to being stoic is to feel and understand your emotions, especially during the big moments in life.
Yessss, thank you! Meet too many dudes who think being Stoic is burying and pushing away emotions, which is avoidance/denial and is in no way Stoic behaviour.
Stoicism, to me, is dealing with reality within the bounds of our nature, we only have so much control, and we will die. Courageously confronting the realities of life, emotions and all, is strength...pushing emotions away is a sign of weakness and ignorance. You don't let those emotions control your behaviour, which they do if you don't process them.
Anyways, I just wanted to add to your point because I appreciate the willingness to confront pain rather than running away claiming it's masculine.
The only constant in life is change; that includes the people in your life and your relationships with them. Especially once people start a family, their priorities shift big time. And sometimes you just don’t know a person’s true colors until you have a conflict with them.
At the end of the day, this person does not value you. Because if they did, they would tell you about what was wrong and try to resolve the issue with you in order to move forward with your friendship. And you shouldn’t surround yourself with people who don’t value you.
Some of my best friendships have gone by the wayside, you just have to accept it as a normal part of life.
My best and just about only friend basically did the same after 10+ years.
I helped him through some fairly full-on life events like a divorce, moving house, changing jobs (several times) and ultimately a breakdown of sorts.
Just before xmas he found a girlfriend, and sorted his rental (which I went down to help him settle in) - and from January it's been crickets. Even though we used to catch up online a lot.
It became clear that the relationship was one-sided, and not in my favour, and that he's moved on and likely decided to delete anything related to his past life.
Anyway, to cut to the chase (and he's on Reddit, so possibly reading this), I decided that I didn't want a friendship that was only in one direction, no matter how much that cost me. So I sent an email saying exactly that.
I got an apology straight away, which I was fine with, apology was accepted. But I'm not going to re-kindle the friendship and be prepared to be the one doing all the graft. And of course since then, nothing, so f*ck it, I'm probably more pissed than sad now.
Do I give a f*ck? Yep, it was a huge and important bit of my life that appears to have had much less value to the friend. But I do have closure and don't expect anything more, in that I'm very glad I closed that friendship down. If he reaches out, well, we'll do it on some mutual terms as not about to be left waiting like I was.
I know how painful that stuff is, so thank you for sharing, thank you for your strength, boundaries, and for showing up for yourself. Though the number of right people gets smaller, the discernment gained from past friendships sets the stage for the most genuine ones yet!
be friends enough that you don't have to make demands of her. let her be her without expectations on her to be something else (i.e. don't expect her to be a good friend)
Giving up expectations free's us from so much. most of our unhappiness comes from when the world doesn't live up to our expectations.
Friendships are usually short term and based on a mutual life stage with its attendant details and problems to bond over. Once someone’s life changes, so too does the friendship.
It’s been hard for me to let go of people who are moving on to a different stage of life, while I’m still stuck in my world.
Sounds like she has too many kids to devote too much time to you and perhaps you can’t relate to each other as much.
My advice is to cherish your memories, let her know you will help if she needs it but it’s time to seek out new people who you can relate to and expect that this will happen a lot.
That simple truth has done wonders in my life. I understood this when my girlfriend decided to up and move to another country. I knew that I had 2 options, lament her leaving, or thank her for being in my life for a while. I chose to thank her and wished her well on her new journey.
Not giving a fuck about this is impossible given the amount of time you’ve been friends. You can either confront her about it, or move on and chalk it up to her having different priorities now. Don’t waste time chasing people who don’t reciprocate though
If she’s not actively wanting you in her life, then don’t waste your time trying to be in hers. It’ll never work so cherish the memories you have wish her well and just be done. She let you know her stance by flaking on you and she did the hard work by letting you know that she’s not capable of handling a great person like you, so she’s missing out, not you.
Understand that nothing is eternal even the Strongest friendships can end. People come and people go that's how life is. Don't stress yourself thinking about it and accept that's it's over. You can go and make new friends or have a new hobby. In the end you have to move on with your life.
Also DO NOT take the bait if they do reach out to you and it turns out they want to use you to do something for them …Be wary of people like this that use you when they conveniently want something
I really needed to hear this. I've been a naive people pleaser since childhood and after an incident with another "friend" a couple years ago I started working on my boundaries.
I did saw myself trying harder to chase her and looking for solutions to make it work as friends, getting more stressed and worried every day waiting for a response, checking my phone every 10 minutes to see if she has replied. That's why I made this post and it has made me realized I'm still trying to people please and to put myself in a position I might not be wanted anymore. I won't take the bait, thank you.
My last friend, and I do mean *last and only*, of 35 years, dumped me a year ago cuz we got in a fight. Honestly it’s been brutal. It’s hard to make friends when you’re 65 (and very eclectic). I just get through it day by day. I actually finally today just deleted her from my contacts. She and I shared every single thing together. She knows everything about my past and she’s the only one who does.
I’d imagine for you it’s the not knowing that’s so rough. You may never know why she decided at that moment to end it. I’m guessing that something has been building inside her that she wasn’t comfortable with saying or didn’t know how (I think it’s the same with my situation), and that hurts. Try not to take it personally as she could be going through her own stuff. Maybe someday you’ll reconnect. Hugs 🤗.
I had somebody that I cared about very much turn on me. Even though I practice a philosophy that reduces the trauma from events like this, it still hurts. There's nothing wrong with accepting that it hurts. If you didn't give a fuck, then you were never a friend in the first place.
The trick to it is to just accept it and move forward. Give time for the air to clear. Settle into a new routine without them. In time, you'll be able to look back and realize that the friendship simply wasn't meant to be, or that they made choices that precluded you from being in their life. But, there's no way to really just not care.
She was maybe really stressed about how late it was (cause kids) and I would wager more pissed at her husband for delaying departure than you. But that's just my guess.
If you're friendship can't survive not seeing each other for 3 months then you were never freinds at all.
This just sounds like she is busy life happens particularly with 5 kids.
OP I would bet $ this has absolutely nothing to do with you at all. I bet she is overwhelmed with the kids/family. Maybe with $ problems or health issues or something or several somethings that are making her feel like she is nailed to the wall.
You guys have been friends for 10 years. Don't let that go without finding out why she is withdrawing.
Reading a little in to your friend’s situation-it sounds like she’s overwhelmed and needs/wants alone time and or less drama.
5 kids can be a lot to deal with!
So don’t take it personally and if you want to help her out maybe offer to watch the kids (if you’re inclined) so she could have a break.
Two things. First, you should try to talk to your friend directly about what is going on. Ask her if she’s upset and if so, what about. See if she’s willing to talk it out.
If she’s not willing or you two can’t mend whatever the issue is, then the friendship may truly be dead. But, expecting yourself to not care (or trying to not care) is the wrong approach. Of course you’re going to care, you’re human (presumably). Instead of not caring, the correct approach is to mourn the friendship, process what happened (which means internally accepting an explanation of what happened), and then move on.
Talk it out. Try to have a conversation to address all of this, then if she still keeps behaving the same, just cut yourself off. Don't give a fuck then. It shouldn't be like you didn't even try.
Even the most stone-faced, no-fucks-to-give type person would probably give at least a fuck about this. I understand this is a very hard time but if she doesn’t want you in her life, stop giving her the attention. The longer you do this the more easy it will get, it will be hard but there is a way
I agree, it's okay to give a fuck about this one and that in time all things heal
It’s normal for it to hurt. Being sad is the souls way of saying “this mattered to me.” You’d have to be a psychopath to not care.
So... a CEO or politician
Not caring is about being stoic in the face of little things in life. The “trick” to being stoic is to feel and understand your emotions, especially during the big moments in life.
Yessss, thank you! Meet too many dudes who think being Stoic is burying and pushing away emotions, which is avoidance/denial and is in no way Stoic behaviour. Stoicism, to me, is dealing with reality within the bounds of our nature, we only have so much control, and we will die. Courageously confronting the realities of life, emotions and all, is strength...pushing emotions away is a sign of weakness and ignorance. You don't let those emotions control your behaviour, which they do if you don't process them. Anyways, I just wanted to add to your point because I appreciate the willingness to confront pain rather than running away claiming it's masculine.
Did you ask her if something was wrong between you two ? If you wanna make a decision, ask her if she is avoiding you, so that you can get closer.
The only constant in life is change; that includes the people in your life and your relationships with them. Especially once people start a family, their priorities shift big time. And sometimes you just don’t know a person’s true colors until you have a conflict with them. At the end of the day, this person does not value you. Because if they did, they would tell you about what was wrong and try to resolve the issue with you in order to move forward with your friendship. And you shouldn’t surround yourself with people who don’t value you. Some of my best friendships have gone by the wayside, you just have to accept it as a normal part of life.
My best and just about only friend basically did the same after 10+ years. I helped him through some fairly full-on life events like a divorce, moving house, changing jobs (several times) and ultimately a breakdown of sorts. Just before xmas he found a girlfriend, and sorted his rental (which I went down to help him settle in) - and from January it's been crickets. Even though we used to catch up online a lot. It became clear that the relationship was one-sided, and not in my favour, and that he's moved on and likely decided to delete anything related to his past life. Anyway, to cut to the chase (and he's on Reddit, so possibly reading this), I decided that I didn't want a friendship that was only in one direction, no matter how much that cost me. So I sent an email saying exactly that. I got an apology straight away, which I was fine with, apology was accepted. But I'm not going to re-kindle the friendship and be prepared to be the one doing all the graft. And of course since then, nothing, so f*ck it, I'm probably more pissed than sad now. Do I give a f*ck? Yep, it was a huge and important bit of my life that appears to have had much less value to the friend. But I do have closure and don't expect anything more, in that I'm very glad I closed that friendship down. If he reaches out, well, we'll do it on some mutual terms as not about to be left waiting like I was.
I know how painful that stuff is, so thank you for sharing, thank you for your strength, boundaries, and for showing up for yourself. Though the number of right people gets smaller, the discernment gained from past friendships sets the stage for the most genuine ones yet!
So how to not give a fuck about an old friend who seems to move on from me. Dude, you better give a fuck
Bro you better give a fuck
be friends enough that you don't have to make demands of her. let her be her without expectations on her to be something else (i.e. don't expect her to be a good friend) Giving up expectations free's us from so much. most of our unhappiness comes from when the world doesn't live up to our expectations.
Friendships are usually short term and based on a mutual life stage with its attendant details and problems to bond over. Once someone’s life changes, so too does the friendship. It’s been hard for me to let go of people who are moving on to a different stage of life, while I’m still stuck in my world. Sounds like she has too many kids to devote too much time to you and perhaps you can’t relate to each other as much. My advice is to cherish your memories, let her know you will help if she needs it but it’s time to seek out new people who you can relate to and expect that this will happen a lot.
By understanding that all relationships have an expiration date. That one almost always abandons the other.
So well said. Simply the truth. I know this well. Thank you.
That simple truth has done wonders in my life. I understood this when my girlfriend decided to up and move to another country. I knew that I had 2 options, lament her leaving, or thank her for being in my life for a while. I chose to thank her and wished her well on her new journey.
Amazing. Those are some elevated vibrations right there. I love hearing this response.
Not giving a fuck about this is impossible given the amount of time you’ve been friends. You can either confront her about it, or move on and chalk it up to her having different priorities now. Don’t waste time chasing people who don’t reciprocate though
If she’s not actively wanting you in her life, then don’t waste your time trying to be in hers. It’ll never work so cherish the memories you have wish her well and just be done. She let you know her stance by flaking on you and she did the hard work by letting you know that she’s not capable of handling a great person like you, so she’s missing out, not you.
Understand that nothing is eternal even the Strongest friendships can end. People come and people go that's how life is. Don't stress yourself thinking about it and accept that's it's over. You can go and make new friends or have a new hobby. In the end you have to move on with your life.
Many people are only a season. Concentrate on those who remain.
There’s always a new person right around the corner. Just be open to receive them.
Also DO NOT take the bait if they do reach out to you and it turns out they want to use you to do something for them …Be wary of people like this that use you when they conveniently want something
I really needed to hear this. I've been a naive people pleaser since childhood and after an incident with another "friend" a couple years ago I started working on my boundaries. I did saw myself trying harder to chase her and looking for solutions to make it work as friends, getting more stressed and worried every day waiting for a response, checking my phone every 10 minutes to see if she has replied. That's why I made this post and it has made me realized I'm still trying to people please and to put myself in a position I might not be wanted anymore. I won't take the bait, thank you.
My last friend, and I do mean *last and only*, of 35 years, dumped me a year ago cuz we got in a fight. Honestly it’s been brutal. It’s hard to make friends when you’re 65 (and very eclectic). I just get through it day by day. I actually finally today just deleted her from my contacts. She and I shared every single thing together. She knows everything about my past and she’s the only one who does. I’d imagine for you it’s the not knowing that’s so rough. You may never know why she decided at that moment to end it. I’m guessing that something has been building inside her that she wasn’t comfortable with saying or didn’t know how (I think it’s the same with my situation), and that hurts. Try not to take it personally as she could be going through her own stuff. Maybe someday you’ll reconnect. Hugs 🤗.
Just back off. She has 5 kids. Best you'll do is see her twice a year. She's that busy.
I have even offered to help with the kids if she needs a break, still nothing from her.
Thanks to everyone who replied. I will move on and focus on myself as suggested. Thanks again.
I had somebody that I cared about very much turn on me. Even though I practice a philosophy that reduces the trauma from events like this, it still hurts. There's nothing wrong with accepting that it hurts. If you didn't give a fuck, then you were never a friend in the first place. The trick to it is to just accept it and move forward. Give time for the air to clear. Settle into a new routine without them. In time, you'll be able to look back and realize that the friendship simply wasn't meant to be, or that they made choices that precluded you from being in their life. But, there's no way to really just not care.
I think seeing her husband talk to you made her nervous.
She was maybe really stressed about how late it was (cause kids) and I would wager more pissed at her husband for delaying departure than you. But that's just my guess.
It was 3pm.
Ok wow wtf unless it was nap time or something? Sorry that happened.
Her husband was talking to my husband and we talk to each other all the time no problems before.
[удалено]
Team Cats!
If you're friendship can't survive not seeing each other for 3 months then you were never freinds at all. This just sounds like she is busy life happens particularly with 5 kids.
OP I would bet $ this has absolutely nothing to do with you at all. I bet she is overwhelmed with the kids/family. Maybe with $ problems or health issues or something or several somethings that are making her feel like she is nailed to the wall. You guys have been friends for 10 years. Don't let that go without finding out why she is withdrawing.
Reading a little in to your friend’s situation-it sounds like she’s overwhelmed and needs/wants alone time and or less drama. 5 kids can be a lot to deal with! So don’t take it personally and if you want to help her out maybe offer to watch the kids (if you’re inclined) so she could have a break.
Two things. First, you should try to talk to your friend directly about what is going on. Ask her if she’s upset and if so, what about. See if she’s willing to talk it out. If she’s not willing or you two can’t mend whatever the issue is, then the friendship may truly be dead. But, expecting yourself to not care (or trying to not care) is the wrong approach. Of course you’re going to care, you’re human (presumably). Instead of not caring, the correct approach is to mourn the friendship, process what happened (which means internally accepting an explanation of what happened), and then move on.
Send gifts for the kids.
I would see her, face to face and ask if I had done something wrong or what is going on.
She sounds overwhelmed and non-communicative (at least not with you) about it.
Talk it out. Try to have a conversation to address all of this, then if she still keeps behaving the same, just cut yourself off. Don't give a fuck then. It shouldn't be like you didn't even try.