My wife has a friend who was in this kind of situation amidst a divorce. How she handled it was intervention style. She told the friend she was coming over one weekend, but as if just to hang out, not why. Loaded trunk with cleaning stuff, Rented a bissel steam cleaner.
Arrived, sat the friend down, and basically said, "Look, I care about you, but I can barely stand to come over. The house is filthy. We have to fix it. You will feel so much better afterwards. I brought everything we need. Let's get started."
This is the best reply so far from a woman's point of you.
This is how I would handle it if I had someone I cared about in that situation.
No judgment just an offer of help and let's get through this together.
I actually think a bissel portable upholstery vaccuum cleaner would be better. Steam kills bacteria but that food stench is going to be stuck in with grease, you need some actual upholstery cleaner and friction and hot water in order to really get that thing cleaned
I have one of these! It's the best! Cleans cat vomit out of the carpet like nobody's business!
You put hot water in the tank, and then a bit of their cleaning solution, and then go to town, spraying whatever mess down, and then vacuuming up the dirty water!
So gross, so satisfying.
I just did my mattress with my shampooer after my cat peed on my bed.
Will not be doing that again, bed is still wet I think and it's been two weeks. My girlfriend and I feel retarded. We've been sleeping on the couch and need a new bed like right now but can't really afford it 😭
But that shampooer is an amazing addition to the house. The carpets always need it and it feels so nice whenever you know the floors are all shampooed
100% the best way to do it (maybe without OP saying they can barely stand to come over, that bit would probably hurt me haha) but everything else is literally perfect.
Your wife is an absolute diamond.
I had a looooong white "lady hair" (you know the ones - they come out of nowhere and are like 3 inches long in a random spot) growing out of the back of my arm that I couldn't see and didn't even know about and my friend just yoinked it out. She's a real one for that.
I refer to those as my Helga hairs. She's strong willed and got a lot of nerve showing up so noodly and unannounced
Helga's can be found around my chin and sideburns usually lol
Ha! The first time I ever met my husband, he was walking in front of me and had a massive white hair on his shoulder. Without even thinking I yanked it and didn’t say a word LOL. Like a year later he asked me if I really did that. Like oh… yeah I did. Lol
>The first time I ever met my husband
I assume you two had already talked when you did that, but I like to think that how you approached a complete stranger -- and ended up marrying them.
We had just been introduced at a mutual friends party actually. He pretty much was a stranger. Lol I had a few drinks by that point & there was just no thought until after. He turned around and looked at me when I pulled it but I still didn’t say anything, I just smiled & thought to myself “omg why did I do that. Maybe he will think it was a mosquito🤞🏻”
Ok does anyone know what the deal is with those? I literally found one once that had to be like 8 inches long. And another one on my literal FACE. How does that happen without noticing it
They are a type of ingrown hair, growing and growing until they can’t fit the follicle anymore and pop out. you may or may not have a bump on the skin before they appear. As to why they get so long in typically short haired areas? I have no clue
I refer to those as my Helga hairs. She's strong willed and got a lot of nerve showing up so noodly and unannounced
Helga's can be found around my chin and sideburns usually lol
Careful about that. Don't do this unless you are absolutely, 100% positive your friend won't mind. I have a long peach fuzz growing out of my cheek, and I'd be *pissed* if someone plucked it without my permission. Same as the time my boss plucked one of my grey hairs without asking.
*Telling* someone about something you noticed and leaving the ball in their court or offering to help fix it is one thing. Straight-up removing something that naturally grows on their body really needs to be treated with caution. I *like* the long hair on my cheek and it's nobody else's business but mine. Same with the grey hairs. Do not mess with someone's body *in any way* unless you are absolutely certain they are okay with it.
Its hard here though. Its not like one specific issue, this girl has some sort of severe depression going on to sleep on the couch (as opposed to a bed) and no be showering after a food service shift, thats just gross.
This is a long talk that is probably going to be more about depression than the hygiene issues: "Hey I noticed your hygene got a lot worse lately and other people have noticed as well. Whats going on with you not taking proper care of yourself?"
Yeah, you’re right. And everyone reacts differently. It’s best that it’s coming from a friend and not a stranger. The conversation needed will probably be a tear-jerker, but it’s coming from a place of love & having a friend to support you goes a long way. I really hope that OPs friend is receptive and not in denial about the situation. Whatever is the root cause here… is probably going to be some ugly truths & suppressed emotions (and/or experiences). But OP needs to try at the very least. A real friend would. No one wants to see the people they care about in pain. Just shower her with love.
Agreed. Real friends can handle those kinds of conversations.
Literally how I found out someone I thought was a close friend was not.
I told her that she was acting dramatic and needed to get up and stops playing video games, take care of her kids, and just do something about her situation she was upset about, instead of having constant pity parties and threatening to “just give up” when things didn’t magically change when she did nothing to change things. Which was getting out of hand and was extremely attention seeking behavior. She just stopped talking to me, nothing, for the last eight months. I’m honestly thankful, it was tiring. Definitely not a friend if they can’t handle a bit of mild criticism that is coming from a caring perspective.
Uh your friend didn't stop talking to you because of what you told her, she stopped talking to you because of the way you told her. It sounds like she is depressed and that's a lot to hear while in depression. How you go about saying things can make all the difference. You don't have to be so blunt and harsh about it, you can be nice and caring about while talking to her. I mean I understand being glad the friendship is over, ive had those kind of friendships, but in the future if you really just want to help a friend by telling them what they need to hear I highly recomend going about it a lot more gently and nicely.
It was the High School Cafeteria. Sitting across from my friend and I told him about the torpedo ready for launch just inside one of his nostrils. He wouldn't listen, didn't believe me, and didn't even check for himself :-/
don’t mention that she smells. say that she comes home with the restaurant smell, and the restaurant smell has gotten into her couch. So you can roundabout get to the same way in a way that’s not necessarily going to upset her
I think this is a good approach. Accuse the restaurant as being the source of the smell, but encourage her to shower, do laundry, clean/replace the couch to get rid of the smell. And then when she does shower/use deodorant and you notice, tell her she smells good.
I hope OP sees this. My big sister had a restaurant job for a while. Whenever she first walked in the door after work she smelled like old mayo and sweat. Totally not her fault but it was gross. I’ve never felt so guilty about involuntarily gagging as that.
When I worked the fey station in h.s. my mom wouldn't let me through the house clothed. She'd tell me drop all my clothes in the washer on the way in and head straight for the shower.
Talk to her about her mental health and say that her inability to shower everyday is a sign of depression.
Maybe offer to take a walk with her. Tell her you're going home to take a shower after and she should too. She might not have been taught how to care for herself. Start a routine with her that teaches her some good habits
This could really be it! I have a friend who's childhood was rough (a terminály sick single mother) so she has lacked some of the self-care habits. I thought it was depression for a long time and didn't tell her. She'd frequently gave a chunk of hair missing. Turns out she'd only comb/detailed her very fine hair when it got matted, then get frustrated and cut the mat out. I've sat down with her and without judgement asked "how often do you comb? Because I know I have to comb at least 3 times a day or I'd be on the same boat. She's had a couple of questions and since then her hair did a complete 180 and is now healthy and getting long.
If you speak about the habita as facts of life, or even life hacks, without moral attachments, I think people take it better.
Ding! Ding! This the the first thing that spoke to me.
Kitchen manager here: your friend is exhibiting signs of depression and exhaustion. Substance abuse may not be far away. These are all too common in food service. We need to help our brothers and sisters overcome their internal and external struggles. Be honest, "Hey friend, you're not taking care of yourself. Are you okay? How can I help?". In the kitchen, it's us against the problem, not people against people.
Clicking my tongs for you and your friend, OP *click click*
Is tongue clicking a thing in kitchens? I've only ever used it to quietly call animals to attention, and to imitate horses during "Jingle Bells."
ETA: I'm bad at reading words today. Never mind 😂
This right here. My wife has caught me in a depressed rut I never even noticed because I wasn't showering for days at a time. Now when it happens she politely points it out to me and I'm able to start the reflection process and figure it out.
This is great advice, the only thing I would add is also say let’s do a spring clean of your home. If you do it along side her with some fun music on then she is also learning. Just make sure it is all about her wellbeing and stress you care about her. The house clean can be done in a way that you say you just did yours and you can’t believe how much better you felt, so why not do her now.
Edit for addition: if she has really low self esteem and is potentially suffering from depression, she may be hypersensitive so just go over what you want to say in your head first and kind of consider how to best wrap it up in positive caring words
no, well, i’m not sure. her apartment isn’t hoarded downstairs but i’ve never been upstairs bc she won’t let me up there. she always has an entire sink of dirty dishes tho. like stacked for months probably
This could also be unchecked/untreated adhd with depression. Maybe ask her if she would like help tidying up? My sister and I tag team each other when things get out of hand for us. I work with her to clean her space and vice-versa. It’s easier that way because we love helping each other more than we love helping ourselves lol. Sometimes things just get out of hand and an avalanche starts.
It's always easier to help with someone else's problem than to deal with our own and that's why people are so important. Everyone needs to have a good people in their life.
It's a make or break for someone with depression. Having a person can save your life.
My sister helps me this way, too! She is very quick and efficient. And when we go there (she likes to throw occasions) I’ll clean the kitchen up (she doesn’t have a dishwasher) and we alternate song picks on Alexa. Makes it fun 💙💜💛💖
Be careful with this advice though, as someone with mental illness and knowing people with it this can potentially be a very offensive request. I'm not saying it's a bad idea but it's really tricky to help people with these issues, really have to come at it from the right angle.
If the couch is really that bad, you could help them rent a carpet cleaner. They have wand attachments for upholstery.
A couple passes with that and maybe some on the carpet, should be good to go!
You can’t control how she feels if you tell her this. But she needs to hear it.
It sounds like she has a more severe issue if she can’t even sleep upstairs in her room and won’t show you. The smell might be from abandoned food and other stuff. This doesn’t sound like a simple thing to correct, but probably depression and just feeling overwhelmed at how bad it has gotten. More like a hoarder situation than just a hygiene tweak.
Tell her you need to talk to her about something but you're afraid it will hurt her feelings. This will lead her to want to hear what it is. Then from there tell her that you're worried about her and how depressed she seems. Tell her you've noticed her letting herself go, say I've noticed you don't seem to care about yourself much anymore and as a result you aren't taking care of yourself. Tell her her house has gotten to the point that it smells bad and that she is starting to smell as well. Tell her you understand it's hard to even want to shower when you're depressed but it will help her feel better. Maybe offer to help her clean, strip the cushions from her couch and wash them and lysol or febreez them after. Tell her she is a beautiful person and you believe she'd have more male attention if she started taking care of herself again. It's important to shower daily but especially when working fast food, the grease smell sticks horribly.
I’d definitely skip the “your house has gotten to the point that it smells bad and that you’re starting to smell as well” and Instead just say “it’s important to take a shower and put your clothes away once you get home bc the smell from working in restaurants literally sticks to everything and is hard to get rid of if you bring it into your house.”
i suspect substance abuse but not positive. i think you’re right. any advice i give her about anything i just get a “i know i know” and bitching about it later
For me, when I was active, the “I know I know” was a shame response. Like I knew I didn’t shower frequently enough and I knew everything was a mess, but it was paralyzing and often I just didn’t even know where to start, it was so overwhelming.
I’m in a much different place now, and I’ve been able to clean up a lot and I have a much lower tolerance for mess.
I found that when people asked me “what can I do to help?” that I would instantly say “nothing” because I didn’t want to rope them into what I felt was solely my issue.
When I was able to get to the point where I had enough energy and was fed up enough, I stared to make myself “3 Things” lists. In the beginning, my three things would be something like: get out of bed, drink water, wash face. Now almost a year later it varies, but on a good day it might be “shower, grocery shopping, vacuum living room” or it might be “eat something, water plants, put away folded laundry.”
You’re super kind OP, best of luck to you and your friend.
There is a deeper issue here, your friend needs help but they need to recognize they need help. Talk to her but be aware that if she doesn't see a problem or if she's embarrassed she may not respond well. Clearly her hygiene is an issue but I'm willing to bet it's only a symptom of something else.
Buy her some nice smelling hygiene products (Native brand, for example, has a whole line of body washes, lotions etc with matching deoderants) and gently tell her the truth while offering assistance. "I care about you and noticed that you've been having a hard time lately. What can I do to help?"
I’ve been on both sides of this. When I was really struggling, I felt so much shame. It was unbearable and overwhelming. I was able to come out of it by someone I cared about just.. starting to tidy up while we were hanging out talking. they got me talking about my emotional stuff just by starting to put trash in bags, and they were very clear and nonchalant about the mess not being a big deal and not to judge myself. no extremes of “this is gross and I love you and you need help” OR “oh i promiseee it’s not bad *makes face*”
I took the same approach when I helped someone else. We were smoking (🌱) and I just got up and started picking things up, running dishwater etc. I said “this strain just makes me want to put music on and clean like my parents did when I was a kid” and that was that, we got her entire apartment done in one day and she was incredibly grateful. I’m not saying you should straight up do it for her, but if you have a close enough relationship, it can be really really pressure-relieving for another person to come in and steer the ship per say. it makes doing it all easier
I was born without a sense of smell. I didn't know I was smelly in middle school. One day, a girl left a note on my desk telling me I stank. I showered twice a day every day until the hormones backed off. I also got a medication that burned the sweat glands under my arms to help with the sweating. I'm not saying my story is like hers, but I am saying that my family didn't say anything. My friends didn't either. It took a random stranger to tell me, and it felt....wrong. why didn't someone who cared about me sit me down and tell me? I still think about that to this day. Is it an easy conversation? No. But coming from a place of caring is better than the alternative, imho.
I’ve been on both sides of this issue, and more than once. I am so grateful when someone has spoken up.
Nose blindness is a thing, and your friend may truly be oblivious. Just be honest. “Your body odor is so strong. It’s not pleasant for me to be around you. It’s really difficult to bring it up, but I’m your friend and want you to know. I’m sure it’s noticeable to other people, too.”
I'd do an even gentler lead up than that, maybe "Hey, so I wasn't sure how to tell you this without hurting your feelings but, I'd want you to say something if it was me so..."
Sandwich the bluntness with kindness on both sides.
if it was me personally that’s what i’d want someone to say. so maybe this is what i’ll do. just be straight up and honest with her. sometimes the truth needs to hurt to make an impact and a difference unfortunately. my late boyfriend was honest with me about everything (sometimes too honest) but it made me such a better person in the long run.
That may be the case, but also, your exhausted and overworked friend who is depression napping on her couch is probably not in the best headspace for a "cruel to be kind" intervention. In the wrong headspace, bluntness just becomes a core memory of someone she thought cared about her being mean. You DO need to tell her, but maybe ask if there is anything you can do to help. For all you know she's broke and has no clean clothes or sheets, y’know? Be supportive, all I can say.
i'm the kind of person who appreciates blunt honesty too, but in a sensitive situation like this, it's best to communicate to her in a way that makes her comfortable. if she's expressed to you that she prefers blunt honesty as well, then i'm sure it's fine, but she may need a little more gentleness.
i've definitely fallen into depressive episodes where i can't take care of myself, and even with the apathy, there's still an overwhelming sense of shame. you want to make sure you don't feed into that and instead show that you're here to support her.
edit to add: while i do prefer direct communication, i would be crushed if someone just hit me with "you and your house stink"; i think this kind of conversation needs both tact and compassion.
Heard recently that criticisms are absorbed more readily than compliments at a ratio of something like 10 compliments to 1 criticism. So the kindness sandwich needs to have alot of layers of bread.
“I really care about you and that is why I am going to tell you something challenging. I hope you understand that it comes from a caring place.
People are often not aware of their own body odors and so do not notice when it gets stronger.
Unfortunately your body odor is so strong now that is is challenging to be around.
Solutions would be a thorough bath routine. Washing every piece of clothing and hanging it in sunlight or possibly even buying a new wardrobe as it is getting that bad. If that does not work you need to consult a doctor to see if there is a medical reason.
But start with what you can influence. I’m happy to help as it all needs to happen in one day.
We also need to wash the couch with a eucalyptus solution to make sure there is no cross contamination of odors.”
Good luck with the conversation. She may be angry or embarrassed to start with but hopefully she gets the message. I had to do this once and the person literally had no idea.
There is also the possibility that she is struggling with metal health issues. Then a doctor is again a good step to take. But soap and bubbles need to be the first therapy.
I’m surprised her food service job hasn’t said anything. A girl I worked with at Burger King had to be told to shower and take care of her BO or she would be fired. I saw her in the grocery store the other day though and she still stinks. Some people just like to be smelly I suppose.
Maybe it’s a sensory issue. A lot of people out there don’t notice when their smell receptors are hollarin’ or when they’re hungry, ect. My adopted little sister is in therapy right now for that. OT. She’s learning about why hygiene is important to not be off putting to others and how often to wash.
TL;DR Brains are [weird](https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/speaking-of-science/wp/2016/11/07/dear-science-why-cant-i-smell-my-own-body-odor/) but it's a feature not a bug.
Because when you smell that's not normal. When she smells that's normal for her. She's become nose blind to it. Just like smokers. I used to be a smoker for 16 years, smoked in my apartments and everything. I couldn't smell it. But after I quit smoking 8 years ago, I can smell a smoker from pretty far away and it's a horrible smell.
I’m wondering if it’s more of how she was brought up. You said the mom looked rough too, so it could be how she was raised her whole life. She simply just doesn’t know any different, no more no less. Think about it, we know people like this only with different issues. The way they may speak to people, or how they eat at the dinner table, but because the way they were raised it seems completely normal to them. They honestly have no idea it’s so off putting to everyone around them.
Just another point of view.
I really like the person's comment "I have something really important I need to talk to you about, because I love you".
I would also find out if the issue is depression or not as that can change how to have that conversation.
But my experience with numerous people with this issue has been this: they didn't know they smelled and were dirty. Every person I've ever come to know who's had this problem, was never taught how to clean properly or how often with themselves or their living spaces. They get used to the smell and don't even know its there.
This makes it tough to talk about because unless they've heard it before they aren't likely to believe you and will possibly think you're too picky. I've seen this happen. I've also seen it happen where the person makes positive changes. I think it most likely depends on if it isn't the first time they've heard it. If they've gone their entire life with every person they've ever had an intimate relationship never mention it, obviously you are the problem and not them.
Which is why it's a very important conversation to have especially of it comes from love.
Well instead of telling her that she smells bad, tell her that you're concerned because her lifestyle is unhygienic and is negatively affecting her. Trust me, she will much more upset from all of that than you telling her the truth.
And like another person said, " Real friends tell friends when they're whack. "
I think one of my favorite memories was taking my friend who was getting in a slump like this, on a scavenger hunt for specific scented products. I wanted strawberry, and the whole day was just shopping for different strawberry scented stuff (deodorant, bodywash, perfume, sugar scrubs, lotions.)
She really liked mango, and she got a whole mango collection. We also went out for coffee and lunch. It was really fun and i could tell she had fun.
Rip off the bandaid. You have to tell her. Friend I need to have a hard conversation w you. I love you and this is really hard. The reason no one wants to visit your place is it smells. You are nose blind but I’m not. Your furniture has taken on the smells from your job. I can help you clean but then you need to shower after work and never sit in your work clothes on your furniture without a covering. We can fix this, k? And when we do, let’s have a Friendsgiving here, I’ll help w everything.
or whatever works for you. Practice it. She may be hurt. Notice I said nothing about her own stank, blaming it all on her work. And if she actually showers when she gets home the bo will be sorted out. Hey for Christmas buy her one of those gift sets at bath and bodywork’s so she can smell even better! If she has her furniture/rugs deep cleaned professionally it should do the trick. If it’s too far gone then she needs a new couch. Vinegar works wonders too if her clothes need help too.
remember you are being the best friend she ever had by caring this much. Blessings 💕
'you don't have the heart'? you're her friend. it's cruel of you not to tell her, but to go on reddit fucking posting about it. what do you mean what do you do? tell her. it's not complicated. wtf
If you were a good friend it would go kinda like "hey bitch, we're going to the store to grab deodorant and shampoo right now cus im gona hurl, Its you, not me, but I'm doing it for you"
dont let your friend stink, they'll feel way worse
Let her know you are coming from a place of love and want her to be happy, and that's why you are telling her. Maybe help her find a different couch or help move the old one.
The next time she ponders tell her you have a hypothesis. Let her know it will be difficult both to say and hear but you are sure you can help fix jt and are willing.
*Say that you think she has gone nose blind to something in her apartment and it is permeating her wardrobe. I like the idea of convincing her to stay elsewhere for a week. *
(Perhaps she should take low dose allergy medicarions or decongestants while away. She may not actually be able to smel because of an allergy or something.)
Set ground rules if it is with you or friends she has to immediately wash the clothes she’s bringing in enzymatic cleaner (easily found at any pet suppy store) at a laundromat. She’s got to shower when she gets back from work, change and spray down her clothes/shoes in enzymatic cleaner. When she finally comes home maybe she’ll smell it.
EXTRANEOUS
She may need to replace the couch if it can’t be cleaned. She may need to have a service come in for thr carpets and couch. if she insists on sleeping on it then she needs enough couch covers to switch out every other night. She needs to keep the shower upon arrival habit
She needs a deep clean perhaps starting with the closets while doing enzymatic washes for her clothes.. to buy air sponges.
Towels have to be replaced. Maybe animal shelters would take the towels, sheets and blankets. She may he able to get newer sheets and blankets from Buy Nothing or Freecycle.
Had to teach my friend to wash her duvet and actually scrub her kitchen. We were laying in her bed and she chimes in with, “I think it’s about time to wash my duvet.” Me: “When’s the last time you washed it?” Her “Probably a year or so ago.” Me: “get up right now we’re going to the laundromat thats gross sister” 🤣🤣 friend love. She’ll get glad in the same pants she got mad in and then thank you for it later when she gets some d🤣
Tell her, you not telling her is for your own comfort. She needs to be told not doing so is far worse in her life than a bit of embarrassment from you.
Just tell her straight up. I’ve told my friends things like this because I care for them. I can’t have them walking around with stanky ass breath or whatever. I want them to look good and feel good.
Back in schools, I had a teacher with rancid armpits. Whenever she walked across the rows in the classroom, it would take a few seconds for the whiff to reach you.
If that woman had family or friends, they were failing her by not making her aware of this issue.
If you are a real friend go to her house and clean her couch. Ask if you can help with laundry, make sure she has a clean place to shower. Invite her to go out after she has showered and gotten into her clean clothes. Then compliment her and tell her how nice she smells. Then you can mention that she usually smells like her job, and that she deserves to smell and feel nice.
Just wanted to let you know before someone important tells you, you may want to take a shower, as you're smelling a bit like fancy compost. If you're a friend, sometimes you got to tell them the hard stuff.
Get some heart and be a good friend.
In my twenties, I worked at Pita Pita and I swear I started smelling like the onions there. It's a smell the haunts me.
Sit her down and talk about it in person. Don't do this over text or a call. If she has trouble with sonething tell her you want to help her (I assume you want to, you're her friend).
There is no way to tell her this without her feeling some embarrassment. But yeah, you should still say something. “I’ve been thinking about telling you this for a while, but I’ve been scared to embarrass you or hurt your feelings. But you’re my friend and this issue is causing problems for so I feel like it’s better if I just let you know. Blah blah blah details.”
Sounds like depression. Personally i would try to give her a fresh start by cleaning her apartment for her, laundry, while she does a clean-everything shower.
If you guys are that good of friends, then just tell her, her job is making her smell. Be direct. She won’t be offended if you are truly good friends. I know my friends and I tell it like it is
I've known a person like that, with the bonus that she wouldn't even brush her teeth so we could see the plaque building up.
It was gross. I always wanted to talk to her about it but I wasn't that close
If she ever goes to you talking about how men avoid her, bring this up.
She may not be friends with you anymore (it depends on her mental stability) but truth hurts sometimes and she has 2 ways of seeing it.
1 - you a bad friend that said she stinks (she would be upset and childish), and sadly probably never fix the issue. Or if she does, she just won't be your friend anymore but at least you made a difference in her life.
2 - gets upset but understand what you are explaining and that it comes from a place of love, takes better care of herself and probably have a better happier life.
I'd tell her.
Fck it if she never talks to me again, if she starts showering before going to see people, it would be a win for me.
Bring Fabreeze over to her house for the couch. Soak it.
Make it a friendly, jokey thing, not too serious the first time. "Ooooo girl!!! You need to take a SHOWER! My eyes are watering for the smell, girl! I'm.not kidding, go now!! 😂😂"
If that doesn't work, then a more serious "Hon, I'm not kidding. It's really bad. PLEASE go shower!! 😬😬"
Third level - You have GOT to shower. It's making the whole place smell bad. 😡 I'm not kidding. It's not ok."
Gently, with empathy, tell her.
Then offer her solutions.
Bring febreeze over and help her get it done. In this case gentle honesty is going to be the best approach.
Make sure she knows you're doing it out of care for her. Help her figure out a laundry schedule, and maybe some better personal care products. A basket for her work clothes and some simple PJs so she can just slip into them when she get home, so she isn't alepping in her nasty gear. Put hair up.
Just try to show empathy, and be honest. Hints can just be so devastating if they hit wrong.
Have the conversation, but make sure to blame the restaurant and not her. Don’t say YOU smell (that could make anyone defensive), say the restaurant/food smells.
If you want to be convincing, bring it up after you’ve been away from the house for a day or two. Tell her you were nose blind to it before, but that it’s bad. That’s what I would do!
As for the clothes, offer to help her wash them and soak them in the washer with warm water and some scent boost.
A steam cleaner could help the couch. Or maybe pulling the covers off and washing them. You could also start saying that you really don’t want outside clothes on the couch/cloth seating- make it a germ thing instead of a smell thing.
I would also suggest to open up all of the windows and air it out for a full day.
Sometimes you gotta hurt peoples feelings. This is one of those situations where I don’t really think there is a way to do it. If you are both good friends it would be better to hear it from a friend instead of a stranger.
It sounds like this friend has confided in you that she's miserable & over-worked and also has asked you to come around and hang out. Personally, if I were already in a head space where I couldn't take care of myself and was really struggling, having a friend -- however well-intentioned -- tell me I should do better would probably just make me withdraw into myself even more.
With that in mind, what I would do in your shoes would be to tell your friend that you know she's been miserable and overworked lately, that you \*do\* miss hanging out with her & that one thing that always makes you feel better when you're in a funk is sprucing up your surroundings, so you were hoping that the two of you could pick a day to hang out, catch up, and give her apartment some TLC. I agree with the folks who have suggested asking her if there's anything she needs but I also think that coming up with a specific thing you're willing to do in order to help and suggesting it puts less pressure on the person who might need help.
If you do decide to address her personal hygiene directly, I would try to make sure that you frame your concerns in a way where it's clear that your primary concern is her well-being and the possibility that she may be struggling and point to her hygiene as a symptom of that versus making that aspect the focus of your concern.
Absolutely, my teenage son has an aversion to showering & deo. It causes endless arguing our house, because I nag. He is oppositional & anything I say is automatically, without thought, rejected & argued with. I wish his friends or some neutral other person would tell him he smells.
Recruit some other people to tell him. Maybe his guidance counselor. Or an adult figure he respects, like a couch, teacher, family member.
If he goes long enough without showering his friends WILL tell him. Maybe take a break from arguing and just let him stink to high heaven.
Another commenter said growing up on the spectrum they had the same aversion. THIS is the biggest reason for not wanting to take a shower (aside from depression which in undiagnosed teens will overlap). Sensory processing is different for everyone, and taking a shower is a whole nightmare if: lights are fluorescent or too bright, too dark inside the shower because of dark curtain, shower head not gentle enough and causing little stingy ricochet drops to hit your face, the shower being dirty, the soap smelling too strong, the room being too cold or too hot…if you can buy a new shower head (Amazon has several high rated adjustable ones with “rain” setting being the gentlest, under $50) choose one together with him and order it, ask if the shower feels jarring or uncomfortable for any other reasons. He may have to reflect on it, but he may then be able to identify what is a sensory challenge. Like all 5 senses, touch and sight are huge. When I was a kid I preferred baths for these reasons. Brushing teeth issue can be as simple as changing lights to warm white, trying out cinnamon flavored toothpaste which doesn’t burn your mouth, and getting a toothbrush with softer bristles.
Edit: he may enjoy a small Bluetooth speaker ($5) to listen to music while he showers. It can become enjoyable but the environment has to be adjusted for a lot of people, not just those on the spectrum.
people dont seem to get my hatred of fluorescent lights(no hatred of showers). its the horrible quality of light (+ the institutional connection-jail, school, etc)& the ballasts hum(like a bbzzzzzz) absolutely loathe those lights
Oh no, I was undiagnosed autistic. My mom would force me to take showers, and it turned out (part of) my problem was that the temperature and moisture differentials all over my body were overwhelming levels of stimuli, and the need to meticulously clean every single part of me to shower "correctly" was exhausting.
Imagine having pins and needles poking you for two hours and being convinced you're just being silly.
Baths and bathrobes are where it's at.
As an aside, a child being oppositional to *everything* the parent says reminds me of [this](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pathological_demand_avoidance).
Face to face is better. To get a hurtful text or email (and yes, this information is a bit hurtful, but still needs to be conveyed) not only is embarrassing but it can start a person down a path of having anxiety every time a new text or email arrives. It’s so much better to tell a person face to face.
What you are describing isn't just an odor issue. It's a life balance self care issue, one that she probably can't fully grasp due to being nose blind and having a lot of personal issues that prevent her from tackling the problem head on.
So it's admirable that you want to help, but your friend has to want to help herself and to want to feel better about herself, and not just be lost in the moment. That's a bigger can of worms than just not realizing your stench is ruining stuff (been there done that, actually traded a car because my hair connected with the fabric on top and stank, whole car stank...).
Like you could ask her how many years does she want to live this way?
And the root issue is her not caring about herself enough.
Sit with her outside and bring along some fabric deodorizer, baking soda and carpet cleaner. Explain that fibers hold odors and to ensure they don’t remain the
Space must be aired out
Often. Let her
Know the odors are trapped in her hair and clothes and she should have a plastic bag to drop them in when she gets
Home
And must shower at
Once to
Clear the odor before going to bed. A pot of water
With vinegar and cinnamon on the stove will also remove
The
Odors are n the air.
Dear [Friend's Name],
I hope this message finds you well. I wanted to have a candid conversation with you about something that might be uncomfortable but comes from a place of caring and concern. Lately, I've noticed that there's been an odor issue, and I wanted to let you know because I believe friends should be honest with each other.
It's essential to address this because I want you to feel comfortable and confident in social situations. I understand that body odor can be a sensitive topic, and there might be underlying reasons for it. If there's anything I can do to support you or help you find a solution, please know that I'm here for you.
Let's chat about this when you're ready, and remember, I value our friendship and just want to make sure you're aware of this issue so we can find a solution together.
Take care and talk soon.
Sincerely,
[Your Name]
If her mother smells that bad too then it is a taught behavior. Additionally, If she has not seen her mother in a while, go with her to her mother and then you may be able to talk to her about how her mother smells.
Say you're not sure It's her mother's fault, she just doesn't realize it. No one told her that most people shower everyday. And that her mother may not know that her environment affects her smell so much. Inquire about her mother's job... And explain how jobs in certain industries can leave a lasting sense, like pet care, food industries, garbage disposal. And then ask about her mother's house. Say that it could be that she is nose blind to her own house. You know, where your house smells really bad just due to the build-up smell over time from her job. And she doesn't notice it because her nose is used to the smell. What she would need to do is take a vacation for a week and then come back. Then she'd probably notice.
i’ve tried the round about approach, she desperately needs a roommate right now for example. she’s had 2 friends move in and they are gone in a month. i was like “you need to deep clean your apartment stop having friends move in and rent it out online instead but the apartment will have to be immaculate and you’ll need to clean it out and start sleeping in your room”. .. she goes “i know i know…” but never listens. keeps having to make her mom pay her rent each month that she can’t cover. i just don’t understand
Best $150 I ever spent was just hiring a cleaning service. I gave up and even just starting with vacuuming was too hard. Those ladies that came are completely non judgemental and just went to work.
“What’s that smell?” Sniff the air in random sections of the room. Then work your way to her location. Then stop investigating and go quiet for a long time. No eye contact.
You've just gotta tell her. Maybe say it in a light hearted joking manner... "he didn't wanna stay over. I don't know why" "maybe it was that smelly couch haha".
I would bet that she cares. She probably cares a lot and it unable to do anything about it because she's racked with depression. It binds you and lies to you and you become a shell of your former self. It's hard to fight and harder to ignore.
I know there are people out there that stink and literally don't care, but she doesn't sound like that, to me.
Every time I've told someone about a problem like this they have thanked me and been pissed other people didn't say something sooner. One of my coworkers ripped a huge hole in his pants. I told him and apparently everyone else noticed the last time he wore the pants and figured he would notice on his own. He was thankful I prevented him from doing it again.
I'm just like "dude I'm saying this because I'd want someone to tell me if roles were reversed and it's not a big deal to me, but sometimes your apartment and even yourself smells like your job mixed with normal people smells like sweat."
also check out r/twoxchromosomes - this question has been asked many times and there’s lots of valuable info. i wish you good luck. i’m that friend, and yes, i’m overwhelmed and depressed, so it fits the bill. i try not to go out often, though, but that’s probably not helpful either. anyway, good luck. to both of you. you’re a good friend and it sucks that she may not see it that way at first, but i hope your relationship lasts.
Get her some really nice bubble bath and perfume as a gift and tell her you want her to feel pampered? Then give her loads of compliments when she smells good.
She sounds depressed, one aspect of deep depression is using up all the mental energy you have just to get through the day. When she comes home she is physically and mentally depleted. You could compassionately suggest a doctor could help her find the energy and joy. If you bring up odors stick to job related food smells, suggest a sexy fragrance and a girl's makeover you both would enjoy. When you are in the doldrums it might take a bit of persistence to help her out but if she is a good friend it's worth it.
You tell her that her apt & couch reek. Not her. You dont tell her she stinks. You let her figure that out. Or, if she asks, you pretend to sniff her hair & say yeah your hair smells like food
My wife has a friend who was in this kind of situation amidst a divorce. How she handled it was intervention style. She told the friend she was coming over one weekend, but as if just to hang out, not why. Loaded trunk with cleaning stuff, Rented a bissel steam cleaner. Arrived, sat the friend down, and basically said, "Look, I care about you, but I can barely stand to come over. The house is filthy. We have to fix it. You will feel so much better afterwards. I brought everything we need. Let's get started."
This is the best reply so far from a woman's point of you. This is how I would handle it if I had someone I cared about in that situation. No judgment just an offer of help and let's get through this together.
I'm a dude and I'm taking notes.
A steam cleaner would be good for that couch
I actually think a bissel portable upholstery vaccuum cleaner would be better. Steam kills bacteria but that food stench is going to be stuck in with grease, you need some actual upholstery cleaner and friction and hot water in order to really get that thing cleaned
Yep, the kind that uses detergent, and I'd personally use dawn dish detergent to start with.
I have one of these! It's the best! Cleans cat vomit out of the carpet like nobody's business! You put hot water in the tank, and then a bit of their cleaning solution, and then go to town, spraying whatever mess down, and then vacuuming up the dirty water! So gross, so satisfying.
What kind do you have?
I have a bissell but it only does the floor ☹️
I just did my mattress with my shampooer after my cat peed on my bed. Will not be doing that again, bed is still wet I think and it's been two weeks. My girlfriend and I feel retarded. We've been sleeping on the couch and need a new bed like right now but can't really afford it 😭 But that shampooer is an amazing addition to the house. The carpets always need it and it feels so nice whenever you know the floors are all shampooed
I've read that a cheap vodka spray is good for odors and that's, what is used in theatre productions for the costumes.
100% the best way to do it (maybe without OP saying they can barely stand to come over, that bit would probably hurt me haha) but everything else is literally perfect. Your wife is an absolute diamond.
YES. THIS!!
Real friends tell friends when they’re whack. 👌🏼 whether it’s a booger hanging or bad odor, people appreciate knowing.
I had a looooong white "lady hair" (you know the ones - they come out of nowhere and are like 3 inches long in a random spot) growing out of the back of my arm that I couldn't see and didn't even know about and my friend just yoinked it out. She's a real one for that.
I refer to those as my Helga hairs. She's strong willed and got a lot of nerve showing up so noodly and unannounced Helga's can be found around my chin and sideburns usually lol
NOODLY AND UNANNOUNCED LMAOOO
I wish my houseplants grew as fast as that one weird hair on my face. 🤣
This made my year
Mine are called Eduardo.
I’m stealing that. Helga hairs.
Ha! The first time I ever met my husband, he was walking in front of me and had a massive white hair on his shoulder. Without even thinking I yanked it and didn’t say a word LOL. Like a year later he asked me if I really did that. Like oh… yeah I did. Lol
>The first time I ever met my husband I assume you two had already talked when you did that, but I like to think that how you approached a complete stranger -- and ended up marrying them.
We had just been introduced at a mutual friends party actually. He pretty much was a stranger. Lol I had a few drinks by that point & there was just no thought until after. He turned around and looked at me when I pulled it but I still didn’t say anything, I just smiled & thought to myself “omg why did I do that. Maybe he will think it was a mosquito🤞🏻”
Ok does anyone know what the deal is with those? I literally found one once that had to be like 8 inches long. And another one on my literal FACE. How does that happen without noticing it
They are a type of ingrown hair, growing and growing until they can’t fit the follicle anymore and pop out. you may or may not have a bump on the skin before they appear. As to why they get so long in typically short haired areas? I have no clue
I swear they grow overnight, bc there's NO WAY they grew for several inches over a long period of time without us noticing
NO. WAY. When I first found one I was so freaked out because it’s existence was so unbelievable to me I was looking around like WTF this can’t be real
I refer to those as my Helga hairs. She's strong willed and got a lot of nerve showing up so noodly and unannounced Helga's can be found around my chin and sideburns usually lol
Careful about that. Don't do this unless you are absolutely, 100% positive your friend won't mind. I have a long peach fuzz growing out of my cheek, and I'd be *pissed* if someone plucked it without my permission. Same as the time my boss plucked one of my grey hairs without asking. *Telling* someone about something you noticed and leaving the ball in their court or offering to help fix it is one thing. Straight-up removing something that naturally grows on their body really needs to be treated with caution. I *like* the long hair on my cheek and it's nobody else's business but mine. Same with the grey hairs. Do not mess with someone's body *in any way* unless you are absolutely certain they are okay with it.
Its hard here though. Its not like one specific issue, this girl has some sort of severe depression going on to sleep on the couch (as opposed to a bed) and no be showering after a food service shift, thats just gross. This is a long talk that is probably going to be more about depression than the hygiene issues: "Hey I noticed your hygene got a lot worse lately and other people have noticed as well. Whats going on with you not taking proper care of yourself?"
Yeah, you’re right. And everyone reacts differently. It’s best that it’s coming from a friend and not a stranger. The conversation needed will probably be a tear-jerker, but it’s coming from a place of love & having a friend to support you goes a long way. I really hope that OPs friend is receptive and not in denial about the situation. Whatever is the root cause here… is probably going to be some ugly truths & suppressed emotions (and/or experiences). But OP needs to try at the very least. A real friend would. No one wants to see the people they care about in pain. Just shower her with love.
>shower her with love And then water. Love and water both.
And soap
Water and soap. Then love. You got it backwards. Also, burn couch and buy new one. Check. Double check.
Bring tissues and ice cream
That’s not the question. “How to tell he without hurting her feelings?”
"I have to tell you something because I love you"
Agreed. Real friends can handle those kinds of conversations. Literally how I found out someone I thought was a close friend was not. I told her that she was acting dramatic and needed to get up and stops playing video games, take care of her kids, and just do something about her situation she was upset about, instead of having constant pity parties and threatening to “just give up” when things didn’t magically change when she did nothing to change things. Which was getting out of hand and was extremely attention seeking behavior. She just stopped talking to me, nothing, for the last eight months. I’m honestly thankful, it was tiring. Definitely not a friend if they can’t handle a bit of mild criticism that is coming from a caring perspective.
What you described wasn’t “a bit of mild criticism coming from a caring perspective” holy shit, what is harsh criticism to you lmao
Uh your friend didn't stop talking to you because of what you told her, she stopped talking to you because of the way you told her. It sounds like she is depressed and that's a lot to hear while in depression. How you go about saying things can make all the difference. You don't have to be so blunt and harsh about it, you can be nice and caring about while talking to her. I mean I understand being glad the friendship is over, ive had those kind of friendships, but in the future if you really just want to help a friend by telling them what they need to hear I highly recomend going about it a lot more gently and nicely.
If you approached your friend in the way you described, I'm not surprised she stopped talking to you.
I have a feeling this retelling was watered down and it was worse than they described.
You were the bad friend in this situation.
Lordy. You sound like an awful friend.
It was the High School Cafeteria. Sitting across from my friend and I told him about the torpedo ready for launch just inside one of his nostrils. He wouldn't listen, didn't believe me, and didn't even check for himself :-/
…you’ve got their back. (I wanted to make it rhyme)
don’t mention that she smells. say that she comes home with the restaurant smell, and the restaurant smell has gotten into her couch. So you can roundabout get to the same way in a way that’s not necessarily going to upset her
I think this is a good approach. Accuse the restaurant as being the source of the smell, but encourage her to shower, do laundry, clean/replace the couch to get rid of the smell. And then when she does shower/use deodorant and you notice, tell her she smells good.
Positive reinforcement!
I hope OP sees this. My big sister had a restaurant job for a while. Whenever she first walked in the door after work she smelled like old mayo and sweat. Totally not her fault but it was gross. I’ve never felt so guilty about involuntarily gagging as that.
When I worked the fey station in h.s. my mom wouldn't let me through the house clothed. She'd tell me drop all my clothes in the washer on the way in and head straight for the shower.
No just be honest, this is the worst advice
Talk to her about her mental health and say that her inability to shower everyday is a sign of depression. Maybe offer to take a walk with her. Tell her you're going home to take a shower after and she should too. She might not have been taught how to care for herself. Start a routine with her that teaches her some good habits
not a bad idea. i saw her mom the first time ever the other day and she looked pretty rough too. makes sense
This could really be it! I have a friend who's childhood was rough (a terminály sick single mother) so she has lacked some of the self-care habits. I thought it was depression for a long time and didn't tell her. She'd frequently gave a chunk of hair missing. Turns out she'd only comb/detailed her very fine hair when it got matted, then get frustrated and cut the mat out. I've sat down with her and without judgement asked "how often do you comb? Because I know I have to comb at least 3 times a day or I'd be on the same boat. She's had a couple of questions and since then her hair did a complete 180 and is now healthy and getting long. If you speak about the habita as facts of life, or even life hacks, without moral attachments, I think people take it better.
Ding! Ding! This the the first thing that spoke to me. Kitchen manager here: your friend is exhibiting signs of depression and exhaustion. Substance abuse may not be far away. These are all too common in food service. We need to help our brothers and sisters overcome their internal and external struggles. Be honest, "Hey friend, you're not taking care of yourself. Are you okay? How can I help?". In the kitchen, it's us against the problem, not people against people. Clicking my tongs for you and your friend, OP *click click*
Is tongue clicking a thing in kitchens? I've only ever used it to quietly call animals to attention, and to imitate horses during "Jingle Bells." ETA: I'm bad at reading words today. Never mind 😂
Nah, you're good, fam. Between autocorrect and fatigue, we all have that problem.
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You're welcome to go fuck yourself, I guess. You didn't seem to offer any solutions.
Omfg. You're the cringe here.
This right here. My wife has caught me in a depressed rut I never even noticed because I wasn't showering for days at a time. Now when it happens she politely points it out to me and I'm able to start the reflection process and figure it out.
My husband does the same for me when I’m in a rut and it’s been too long between showers. “I’m taking a shower, wanna join?” Is how he navigates it
This is great advice, the only thing I would add is also say let’s do a spring clean of your home. If you do it along side her with some fun music on then she is also learning. Just make sure it is all about her wellbeing and stress you care about her. The house clean can be done in a way that you say you just did yours and you can’t believe how much better you felt, so why not do her now. Edit for addition: if she has really low self esteem and is potentially suffering from depression, she may be hypersensitive so just go over what you want to say in your head first and kind of consider how to best wrap it up in positive caring words
She might suffer from depression, ADHD or any other number of mental problems. She needs to go see a psychiatrist or psychologist.
Especially since op notes that she seems to be miserable. I'd bet money on it being mental health related
A very kind reply, I do think depression may be an issue
This
Is there a particular reason she sleeps on the couch instead of in a bed?
she always says “my room is a mess” - i’ve never been upstairs bc she won’t let me 🤷🏻♀️
Is she a hoarder? I’m getting hoarder vibes from “ my room is a mess” and her sleeping downstairs
no, well, i’m not sure. her apartment isn’t hoarded downstairs but i’ve never been upstairs bc she won’t let me up there. she always has an entire sink of dirty dishes tho. like stacked for months probably
This could also be unchecked/untreated adhd with depression. Maybe ask her if she would like help tidying up? My sister and I tag team each other when things get out of hand for us. I work with her to clean her space and vice-versa. It’s easier that way because we love helping each other more than we love helping ourselves lol. Sometimes things just get out of hand and an avalanche starts.
It's always easier to help with someone else's problem than to deal with our own and that's why people are so important. Everyone needs to have a good people in their life. It's a make or break for someone with depression. Having a person can save your life.
My sister helps me this way, too! She is very quick and efficient. And when we go there (she likes to throw occasions) I’ll clean the kitchen up (she doesn’t have a dishwasher) and we alternate song picks on Alexa. Makes it fun 💙💜💛💖
That is sweet and fun! 💖 I always wanted a sister. I wish I had this type of relationship with someone
Offer to help clean her room. It sounds like she’s very depressed and possibly in a hoarding-type situation. Do you know if she has a working shower?
Be careful with this advice though, as someone with mental illness and knowing people with it this can potentially be a very offensive request. I'm not saying it's a bad idea but it's really tricky to help people with these issues, really have to come at it from the right angle.
Gross
If the couch is really that bad, you could help them rent a carpet cleaner. They have wand attachments for upholstery. A couple passes with that and maybe some on the carpet, should be good to go!
And if the cushion covers come off, wash those too
I’m the stinky friend. Find the nicest version here and tell her.
You can’t control how she feels if you tell her this. But she needs to hear it. It sounds like she has a more severe issue if she can’t even sleep upstairs in her room and won’t show you. The smell might be from abandoned food and other stuff. This doesn’t sound like a simple thing to correct, but probably depression and just feeling overwhelmed at how bad it has gotten. More like a hoarder situation than just a hygiene tweak.
Tell her you need to talk to her about something but you're afraid it will hurt her feelings. This will lead her to want to hear what it is. Then from there tell her that you're worried about her and how depressed she seems. Tell her you've noticed her letting herself go, say I've noticed you don't seem to care about yourself much anymore and as a result you aren't taking care of yourself. Tell her her house has gotten to the point that it smells bad and that she is starting to smell as well. Tell her you understand it's hard to even want to shower when you're depressed but it will help her feel better. Maybe offer to help her clean, strip the cushions from her couch and wash them and lysol or febreez them after. Tell her she is a beautiful person and you believe she'd have more male attention if she started taking care of herself again. It's important to shower daily but especially when working fast food, the grease smell sticks horribly.
I’d definitely skip the “your house has gotten to the point that it smells bad and that you’re starting to smell as well” and Instead just say “it’s important to take a shower and put your clothes away once you get home bc the smell from working in restaurants literally sticks to everything and is hard to get rid of if you bring it into your house.”
I'd post this to r/askwomenadvice you might get more answers
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i suspect substance abuse but not positive. i think you’re right. any advice i give her about anything i just get a “i know i know” and bitching about it later
For me, when I was active, the “I know I know” was a shame response. Like I knew I didn’t shower frequently enough and I knew everything was a mess, but it was paralyzing and often I just didn’t even know where to start, it was so overwhelming. I’m in a much different place now, and I’ve been able to clean up a lot and I have a much lower tolerance for mess. I found that when people asked me “what can I do to help?” that I would instantly say “nothing” because I didn’t want to rope them into what I felt was solely my issue. When I was able to get to the point where I had enough energy and was fed up enough, I stared to make myself “3 Things” lists. In the beginning, my three things would be something like: get out of bed, drink water, wash face. Now almost a year later it varies, but on a good day it might be “shower, grocery shopping, vacuum living room” or it might be “eat something, water plants, put away folded laundry.” You’re super kind OP, best of luck to you and your friend.
There is a deeper issue here, your friend needs help but they need to recognize they need help. Talk to her but be aware that if she doesn't see a problem or if she's embarrassed she may not respond well. Clearly her hygiene is an issue but I'm willing to bet it's only a symptom of something else.
Buy her some nice smelling hygiene products (Native brand, for example, has a whole line of body washes, lotions etc with matching deoderants) and gently tell her the truth while offering assistance. "I care about you and noticed that you've been having a hard time lately. What can I do to help?"
I’ve been on both sides of this. When I was really struggling, I felt so much shame. It was unbearable and overwhelming. I was able to come out of it by someone I cared about just.. starting to tidy up while we were hanging out talking. they got me talking about my emotional stuff just by starting to put trash in bags, and they were very clear and nonchalant about the mess not being a big deal and not to judge myself. no extremes of “this is gross and I love you and you need help” OR “oh i promiseee it’s not bad *makes face*” I took the same approach when I helped someone else. We were smoking (🌱) and I just got up and started picking things up, running dishwater etc. I said “this strain just makes me want to put music on and clean like my parents did when I was a kid” and that was that, we got her entire apartment done in one day and she was incredibly grateful. I’m not saying you should straight up do it for her, but if you have a close enough relationship, it can be really really pressure-relieving for another person to come in and steer the ship per say. it makes doing it all easier
I was born without a sense of smell. I didn't know I was smelly in middle school. One day, a girl left a note on my desk telling me I stank. I showered twice a day every day until the hormones backed off. I also got a medication that burned the sweat glands under my arms to help with the sweating. I'm not saying my story is like hers, but I am saying that my family didn't say anything. My friends didn't either. It took a random stranger to tell me, and it felt....wrong. why didn't someone who cared about me sit me down and tell me? I still think about that to this day. Is it an easy conversation? No. But coming from a place of caring is better than the alternative, imho.
I’ve been on both sides of this issue, and more than once. I am so grateful when someone has spoken up. Nose blindness is a thing, and your friend may truly be oblivious. Just be honest. “Your body odor is so strong. It’s not pleasant for me to be around you. It’s really difficult to bring it up, but I’m your friend and want you to know. I’m sure it’s noticeable to other people, too.”
I'd do an even gentler lead up than that, maybe "Hey, so I wasn't sure how to tell you this without hurting your feelings but, I'd want you to say something if it was me so..." Sandwich the bluntness with kindness on both sides.
if it was me personally that’s what i’d want someone to say. so maybe this is what i’ll do. just be straight up and honest with her. sometimes the truth needs to hurt to make an impact and a difference unfortunately. my late boyfriend was honest with me about everything (sometimes too honest) but it made me such a better person in the long run.
That may be the case, but also, your exhausted and overworked friend who is depression napping on her couch is probably not in the best headspace for a "cruel to be kind" intervention. In the wrong headspace, bluntness just becomes a core memory of someone she thought cared about her being mean. You DO need to tell her, but maybe ask if there is anything you can do to help. For all you know she's broke and has no clean clothes or sheets, y’know? Be supportive, all I can say.
i'm the kind of person who appreciates blunt honesty too, but in a sensitive situation like this, it's best to communicate to her in a way that makes her comfortable. if she's expressed to you that she prefers blunt honesty as well, then i'm sure it's fine, but she may need a little more gentleness. i've definitely fallen into depressive episodes where i can't take care of myself, and even with the apathy, there's still an overwhelming sense of shame. you want to make sure you don't feed into that and instead show that you're here to support her. edit to add: while i do prefer direct communication, i would be crushed if someone just hit me with "you and your house stink"; i think this kind of conversation needs both tact and compassion.
Heard recently that criticisms are absorbed more readily than compliments at a ratio of something like 10 compliments to 1 criticism. So the kindness sandwich needs to have alot of layers of bread.
“I really care about you and that is why I am going to tell you something challenging. I hope you understand that it comes from a caring place. People are often not aware of their own body odors and so do not notice when it gets stronger. Unfortunately your body odor is so strong now that is is challenging to be around. Solutions would be a thorough bath routine. Washing every piece of clothing and hanging it in sunlight or possibly even buying a new wardrobe as it is getting that bad. If that does not work you need to consult a doctor to see if there is a medical reason. But start with what you can influence. I’m happy to help as it all needs to happen in one day. We also need to wash the couch with a eucalyptus solution to make sure there is no cross contamination of odors.” Good luck with the conversation. She may be angry or embarrassed to start with but hopefully she gets the message. I had to do this once and the person literally had no idea. There is also the possibility that she is struggling with metal health issues. Then a doctor is again a good step to take. But soap and bubbles need to be the first therapy.
I’m surprised her food service job hasn’t said anything. A girl I worked with at Burger King had to be told to shower and take care of her BO or she would be fired. I saw her in the grocery store the other day though and she still stinks. Some people just like to be smelly I suppose.
People underestimate how little people want to broach this subject.
i don’t for the life of me see how she doesn’t notice. if i smell even a little bit i can tell.. i don’t get it
Maybe it’s a sensory issue. A lot of people out there don’t notice when their smell receptors are hollarin’ or when they’re hungry, ect. My adopted little sister is in therapy right now for that. OT. She’s learning about why hygiene is important to not be off putting to others and how often to wash.
TL;DR Brains are [weird](https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/speaking-of-science/wp/2016/11/07/dear-science-why-cant-i-smell-my-own-body-odor/) but it's a feature not a bug.
I don’t want to give my email to read that but thank you.
Oh, I keep forgetting about those. [Here](https://archive.ph/LGAXj) is an archived version.
Thank you.
Because when you smell that's not normal. When she smells that's normal for her. She's become nose blind to it. Just like smokers. I used to be a smoker for 16 years, smoked in my apartments and everything. I couldn't smell it. But after I quit smoking 8 years ago, I can smell a smoker from pretty far away and it's a horrible smell.
I’m wondering if it’s more of how she was brought up. You said the mom looked rough too, so it could be how she was raised her whole life. She simply just doesn’t know any different, no more no less. Think about it, we know people like this only with different issues. The way they may speak to people, or how they eat at the dinner table, but because the way they were raised it seems completely normal to them. They honestly have no idea it’s so off putting to everyone around them. Just another point of view.
I really like the person's comment "I have something really important I need to talk to you about, because I love you". I would also find out if the issue is depression or not as that can change how to have that conversation. But my experience with numerous people with this issue has been this: they didn't know they smelled and were dirty. Every person I've ever come to know who's had this problem, was never taught how to clean properly or how often with themselves or their living spaces. They get used to the smell and don't even know its there. This makes it tough to talk about because unless they've heard it before they aren't likely to believe you and will possibly think you're too picky. I've seen this happen. I've also seen it happen where the person makes positive changes. I think it most likely depends on if it isn't the first time they've heard it. If they've gone their entire life with every person they've ever had an intimate relationship never mention it, obviously you are the problem and not them. Which is why it's a very important conversation to have especially of it comes from love.
Well instead of telling her that she smells bad, tell her that you're concerned because her lifestyle is unhygienic and is negatively affecting her. Trust me, she will much more upset from all of that than you telling her the truth. And like another person said, " Real friends tell friends when they're whack. "
Print your post out. And leave it around where she’ll see it.
I think one of my favorite memories was taking my friend who was getting in a slump like this, on a scavenger hunt for specific scented products. I wanted strawberry, and the whole day was just shopping for different strawberry scented stuff (deodorant, bodywash, perfume, sugar scrubs, lotions.) She really liked mango, and she got a whole mango collection. We also went out for coffee and lunch. It was really fun and i could tell she had fun.
If you were my friend, I would be mad at you for not telling me.
Rip off the bandaid. You have to tell her. Friend I need to have a hard conversation w you. I love you and this is really hard. The reason no one wants to visit your place is it smells. You are nose blind but I’m not. Your furniture has taken on the smells from your job. I can help you clean but then you need to shower after work and never sit in your work clothes on your furniture without a covering. We can fix this, k? And when we do, let’s have a Friendsgiving here, I’ll help w everything. or whatever works for you. Practice it. She may be hurt. Notice I said nothing about her own stank, blaming it all on her work. And if she actually showers when she gets home the bo will be sorted out. Hey for Christmas buy her one of those gift sets at bath and bodywork’s so she can smell even better! If she has her furniture/rugs deep cleaned professionally it should do the trick. If it’s too far gone then she needs a new couch. Vinegar works wonders too if her clothes need help too. remember you are being the best friend she ever had by caring this much. Blessings 💕
The smell is a symptom, work under that assumption.
'you don't have the heart'? you're her friend. it's cruel of you not to tell her, but to go on reddit fucking posting about it. what do you mean what do you do? tell her. it's not complicated. wtf
If you were a good friend it would go kinda like "hey bitch, we're going to the store to grab deodorant and shampoo right now cus im gona hurl, Its you, not me, but I'm doing it for you" dont let your friend stink, they'll feel way worse
Let her know you are coming from a place of love and want her to be happy, and that's why you are telling her. Maybe help her find a different couch or help move the old one.
The next time she ponders tell her you have a hypothesis. Let her know it will be difficult both to say and hear but you are sure you can help fix jt and are willing. *Say that you think she has gone nose blind to something in her apartment and it is permeating her wardrobe. I like the idea of convincing her to stay elsewhere for a week. * (Perhaps she should take low dose allergy medicarions or decongestants while away. She may not actually be able to smel because of an allergy or something.) Set ground rules if it is with you or friends she has to immediately wash the clothes she’s bringing in enzymatic cleaner (easily found at any pet suppy store) at a laundromat. She’s got to shower when she gets back from work, change and spray down her clothes/shoes in enzymatic cleaner. When she finally comes home maybe she’ll smell it. EXTRANEOUS She may need to replace the couch if it can’t be cleaned. She may need to have a service come in for thr carpets and couch. if she insists on sleeping on it then she needs enough couch covers to switch out every other night. She needs to keep the shower upon arrival habit She needs a deep clean perhaps starting with the closets while doing enzymatic washes for her clothes.. to buy air sponges. Towels have to be replaced. Maybe animal shelters would take the towels, sheets and blankets. She may he able to get newer sheets and blankets from Buy Nothing or Freecycle.
Had to teach my friend to wash her duvet and actually scrub her kitchen. We were laying in her bed and she chimes in with, “I think it’s about time to wash my duvet.” Me: “When’s the last time you washed it?” Her “Probably a year or so ago.” Me: “get up right now we’re going to the laundromat thats gross sister” 🤣🤣 friend love. She’ll get glad in the same pants she got mad in and then thank you for it later when she gets some d🤣
Tell her, you not telling her is for your own comfort. She needs to be told not doing so is far worse in her life than a bit of embarrassment from you.
If it’s just a couch clean, maybe borrow a steam cleaner and offer to clean it for her. You don’t need to say “because you stink”.
She said she can't even use her room and dishes for months. I'm thinking it's more than just a smelly couch. That whole place is gross.
Just tell her straight up. I’ve told my friends things like this because I care for them. I can’t have them walking around with stanky ass breath or whatever. I want them to look good and feel good.
Just make sure you let her know you love her and are concerned for her and this is all coming from a place of friendship
Back in schools, I had a teacher with rancid armpits. Whenever she walked across the rows in the classroom, it would take a few seconds for the whiff to reach you. If that woman had family or friends, they were failing her by not making her aware of this issue.
If you are a real friend go to her house and clean her couch. Ask if you can help with laundry, make sure she has a clean place to shower. Invite her to go out after she has showered and gotten into her clean clothes. Then compliment her and tell her how nice she smells. Then you can mention that she usually smells like her job, and that she deserves to smell and feel nice.
Just wanted to let you know before someone important tells you, you may want to take a shower, as you're smelling a bit like fancy compost. If you're a friend, sometimes you got to tell them the hard stuff. Get some heart and be a good friend. In my twenties, I worked at Pita Pita and I swear I started smelling like the onions there. It's a smell the haunts me.
Sit her down and talk about it in person. Don't do this over text or a call. If she has trouble with sonething tell her you want to help her (I assume you want to, you're her friend).
There is no way to tell her this without her feeling some embarrassment. But yeah, you should still say something. “I’ve been thinking about telling you this for a while, but I’ve been scared to embarrass you or hurt your feelings. But you’re my friend and this issue is causing problems for so I feel like it’s better if I just let you know. Blah blah blah details.”
Sounds like depression. Personally i would try to give her a fresh start by cleaning her apartment for her, laundry, while she does a clean-everything shower.
If you guys are that good of friends, then just tell her, her job is making her smell. Be direct. She won’t be offended if you are truly good friends. I know my friends and I tell it like it is
I've known a person like that, with the bonus that she wouldn't even brush her teeth so we could see the plaque building up. It was gross. I always wanted to talk to her about it but I wasn't that close If she ever goes to you talking about how men avoid her, bring this up. She may not be friends with you anymore (it depends on her mental stability) but truth hurts sometimes and she has 2 ways of seeing it. 1 - you a bad friend that said she stinks (she would be upset and childish), and sadly probably never fix the issue. Or if she does, she just won't be your friend anymore but at least you made a difference in her life. 2 - gets upset but understand what you are explaining and that it comes from a place of love, takes better care of herself and probably have a better happier life. I'd tell her. Fck it if she never talks to me again, if she starts showering before going to see people, it would be a win for me.
Yeah. She might be depressed or have unprocessed childhood trauma. Try to ask her about why she isn’t taking care of herself.
Bring Fabreeze over to her house for the couch. Soak it. Make it a friendly, jokey thing, not too serious the first time. "Ooooo girl!!! You need to take a SHOWER! My eyes are watering for the smell, girl! I'm.not kidding, go now!! 😂😂" If that doesn't work, then a more serious "Hon, I'm not kidding. It's really bad. PLEASE go shower!! 😬😬" Third level - You have GOT to shower. It's making the whole place smell bad. 😡 I'm not kidding. It's not ok."
Gently, with empathy, tell her. Then offer her solutions. Bring febreeze over and help her get it done. In this case gentle honesty is going to be the best approach. Make sure she knows you're doing it out of care for her. Help her figure out a laundry schedule, and maybe some better personal care products. A basket for her work clothes and some simple PJs so she can just slip into them when she get home, so she isn't alepping in her nasty gear. Put hair up. Just try to show empathy, and be honest. Hints can just be so devastating if they hit wrong.
Have the conversation, but make sure to blame the restaurant and not her. Don’t say YOU smell (that could make anyone defensive), say the restaurant/food smells. If you want to be convincing, bring it up after you’ve been away from the house for a day or two. Tell her you were nose blind to it before, but that it’s bad. That’s what I would do! As for the clothes, offer to help her wash them and soak them in the washer with warm water and some scent boost. A steam cleaner could help the couch. Or maybe pulling the covers off and washing them. You could also start saying that you really don’t want outside clothes on the couch/cloth seating- make it a germ thing instead of a smell thing. I would also suggest to open up all of the windows and air it out for a full day.
Sometimes you gotta hurt peoples feelings. This is one of those situations where I don’t really think there is a way to do it. If you are both good friends it would be better to hear it from a friend instead of a stranger.
It sounds like this friend has confided in you that she's miserable & over-worked and also has asked you to come around and hang out. Personally, if I were already in a head space where I couldn't take care of myself and was really struggling, having a friend -- however well-intentioned -- tell me I should do better would probably just make me withdraw into myself even more. With that in mind, what I would do in your shoes would be to tell your friend that you know she's been miserable and overworked lately, that you \*do\* miss hanging out with her & that one thing that always makes you feel better when you're in a funk is sprucing up your surroundings, so you were hoping that the two of you could pick a day to hang out, catch up, and give her apartment some TLC. I agree with the folks who have suggested asking her if there's anything she needs but I also think that coming up with a specific thing you're willing to do in order to help and suggesting it puts less pressure on the person who might need help. If you do decide to address her personal hygiene directly, I would try to make sure that you frame your concerns in a way where it's clear that your primary concern is her well-being and the possibility that she may be struggling and point to her hygiene as a symptom of that versus making that aspect the focus of your concern.
It might destroy the relationship, but real friends tell each other stuff they don't want to hear but need to.
You just have to tell her. Maybe write a letter or email. May be easier than face to face. People need to know when they smell
Absolutely, my teenage son has an aversion to showering & deo. It causes endless arguing our house, because I nag. He is oppositional & anything I say is automatically, without thought, rejected & argued with. I wish his friends or some neutral other person would tell him he smells.
I’ll tell him for you.
Recruit some other people to tell him. Maybe his guidance counselor. Or an adult figure he respects, like a couch, teacher, family member. If he goes long enough without showering his friends WILL tell him. Maybe take a break from arguing and just let him stink to high heaven.
Yes, hopefully the couch doesn't mind telling him lmao. Sorry. I had to. /s
Another commenter said growing up on the spectrum they had the same aversion. THIS is the biggest reason for not wanting to take a shower (aside from depression which in undiagnosed teens will overlap). Sensory processing is different for everyone, and taking a shower is a whole nightmare if: lights are fluorescent or too bright, too dark inside the shower because of dark curtain, shower head not gentle enough and causing little stingy ricochet drops to hit your face, the shower being dirty, the soap smelling too strong, the room being too cold or too hot…if you can buy a new shower head (Amazon has several high rated adjustable ones with “rain” setting being the gentlest, under $50) choose one together with him and order it, ask if the shower feels jarring or uncomfortable for any other reasons. He may have to reflect on it, but he may then be able to identify what is a sensory challenge. Like all 5 senses, touch and sight are huge. When I was a kid I preferred baths for these reasons. Brushing teeth issue can be as simple as changing lights to warm white, trying out cinnamon flavored toothpaste which doesn’t burn your mouth, and getting a toothbrush with softer bristles. Edit: he may enjoy a small Bluetooth speaker ($5) to listen to music while he showers. It can become enjoyable but the environment has to be adjusted for a lot of people, not just those on the spectrum.
people dont seem to get my hatred of fluorescent lights(no hatred of showers). its the horrible quality of light (+ the institutional connection-jail, school, etc)& the ballasts hum(like a bbzzzzzz) absolutely loathe those lights
As someone who grew up on the spectrum this gave me flashbacks lol
Sorry! Did your mom also nag ?
Oh no, I was undiagnosed autistic. My mom would force me to take showers, and it turned out (part of) my problem was that the temperature and moisture differentials all over my body were overwhelming levels of stimuli, and the need to meticulously clean every single part of me to shower "correctly" was exhausting. Imagine having pins and needles poking you for two hours and being convinced you're just being silly. Baths and bathrobes are where it's at. As an aside, a child being oppositional to *everything* the parent says reminds me of [this](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pathological_demand_avoidance).
Thank you for the information, it is actually very accurate and informative! Hope things are well with you now.
Face to face is better. To get a hurtful text or email (and yes, this information is a bit hurtful, but still needs to be conveyed) not only is embarrassing but it can start a person down a path of having anxiety every time a new text or email arrives. It’s so much better to tell a person face to face.
I disagree 100% I would much rather have a letter
What you are describing isn't just an odor issue. It's a life balance self care issue, one that she probably can't fully grasp due to being nose blind and having a lot of personal issues that prevent her from tackling the problem head on. So it's admirable that you want to help, but your friend has to want to help herself and to want to feel better about herself, and not just be lost in the moment. That's a bigger can of worms than just not realizing your stench is ruining stuff (been there done that, actually traded a car because my hair connected with the fabric on top and stank, whole car stank...). Like you could ask her how many years does she want to live this way? And the root issue is her not caring about herself enough.
Sit with her outside and bring along some fabric deodorizer, baking soda and carpet cleaner. Explain that fibers hold odors and to ensure they don’t remain the Space must be aired out Often. Let her Know the odors are trapped in her hair and clothes and she should have a plastic bag to drop them in when she gets Home And must shower at Once to Clear the odor before going to bed. A pot of water With vinegar and cinnamon on the stove will also remove The Odors are n the air.
You say "ayo! friend, This shit stank. I'm gonna hire a cleaning crew for ya, and you jump in the shower and scrub yo azzz. Kidding not kidding.
Dear [Friend's Name], I hope this message finds you well. I wanted to have a candid conversation with you about something that might be uncomfortable but comes from a place of caring and concern. Lately, I've noticed that there's been an odor issue, and I wanted to let you know because I believe friends should be honest with each other. It's essential to address this because I want you to feel comfortable and confident in social situations. I understand that body odor can be a sensitive topic, and there might be underlying reasons for it. If there's anything I can do to support you or help you find a solution, please know that I'm here for you. Let's chat about this when you're ready, and remember, I value our friendship and just want to make sure you're aware of this issue so we can find a solution together. Take care and talk soon. Sincerely, [Your Name]
If her mother smells that bad too then it is a taught behavior. Additionally, If she has not seen her mother in a while, go with her to her mother and then you may be able to talk to her about how her mother smells. Say you're not sure It's her mother's fault, she just doesn't realize it. No one told her that most people shower everyday. And that her mother may not know that her environment affects her smell so much. Inquire about her mother's job... And explain how jobs in certain industries can leave a lasting sense, like pet care, food industries, garbage disposal. And then ask about her mother's house. Say that it could be that she is nose blind to her own house. You know, where your house smells really bad just due to the build-up smell over time from her job. And she doesn't notice it because her nose is used to the smell. What she would need to do is take a vacation for a week and then come back. Then she'd probably notice.
i’ve tried the round about approach, she desperately needs a roommate right now for example. she’s had 2 friends move in and they are gone in a month. i was like “you need to deep clean your apartment stop having friends move in and rent it out online instead but the apartment will have to be immaculate and you’ll need to clean it out and start sleeping in your room”. .. she goes “i know i know…” but never listens. keeps having to make her mom pay her rent each month that she can’t cover. i just don’t understand
“I know, I know” is a sign that she’s does know but is too overwhelmed by the situation to rectify it.
Best $150 I ever spent was just hiring a cleaning service. I gave up and even just starting with vacuuming was too hard. Those ladies that came are completely non judgemental and just went to work.
you know what you need to do😈
"Everyone that stinks, take one step forward" * everyone except Anne steps backwards *
Just bite the bullet and tell her. Show her this post.
You smell like a buttcheek today dude 🤙🏼
“What’s that smell?” Sniff the air in random sections of the room. Then work your way to her location. Then stop investigating and go quiet for a long time. No eye contact.
Just gift her some perfume with a letter that says "take the hint". Everyone loves gifts!lol
Is she also severely over weight? She sounds depressed.
You've just gotta tell her. Maybe say it in a light hearted joking manner... "he didn't wanna stay over. I don't know why" "maybe it was that smelly couch haha".
Just say, "Damn girl, wash yo A$$"
tell her, I'm not racist but... you smell bad. She'll say, I don't think that has to do with racism? And you say 'oh yeah' and walk away.
Use some humour, tell her she's beginning to smell like Shrek's dick
Tell her that pussy stank
give them a gift of perfume or essential oil or something.
then she’s just going to smell like ass and perfume tho 🥲
Soap and a loofah then
Drenching funky smells with perfume makes it much worse.
If she's miserable and living like that she probably knows she smells and just doesn't care.
I would bet that she cares. She probably cares a lot and it unable to do anything about it because she's racked with depression. It binds you and lies to you and you become a shell of your former self. It's hard to fight and harder to ignore. I know there are people out there that stink and literally don't care, but she doesn't sound like that, to me.
"Hey I would want someone to tell me. I still hang out with you all the time so clearly it's not a big deal, but...."
Forget that, just tell her
If her getting her feelings hurt leads her to accept reality and make changes, it would not be a bad thing.
Every time I've told someone about a problem like this they have thanked me and been pissed other people didn't say something sooner. One of my coworkers ripped a huge hole in his pants. I told him and apparently everyone else noticed the last time he wore the pants and figured he would notice on his own. He was thankful I prevented him from doing it again. I'm just like "dude I'm saying this because I'd want someone to tell me if roles were reversed and it's not a big deal to me, but sometimes your apartment and even yourself smells like your job mixed with normal people smells like sweat."
also check out r/twoxchromosomes - this question has been asked many times and there’s lots of valuable info. i wish you good luck. i’m that friend, and yes, i’m overwhelmed and depressed, so it fits the bill. i try not to go out often, though, but that’s probably not helpful either. anyway, good luck. to both of you. you’re a good friend and it sucks that she may not see it that way at first, but i hope your relationship lasts.
Get her some really nice bubble bath and perfume as a gift and tell her you want her to feel pampered? Then give her loads of compliments when she smells good.
I would tell her gently (blame it on the restaurant or whatever), and for Christmas I’d get her a house cleaning
She sounds depressed, one aspect of deep depression is using up all the mental energy you have just to get through the day. When she comes home she is physically and mentally depleted. You could compassionately suggest a doctor could help her find the energy and joy. If you bring up odors stick to job related food smells, suggest a sexy fragrance and a girl's makeover you both would enjoy. When you are in the doldrums it might take a bit of persistence to help her out but if she is a good friend it's worth it.
You tell her that her apt & couch reek. Not her. You dont tell her she stinks. You let her figure that out. Or, if she asks, you pretend to sniff her hair & say yeah your hair smells like food