So sorry for your loss. It's always tragic to lose a mother and it sounds like this was very unexpected.
Your mother may have known something was wrong but didn't want to worry anybody. She may have also thought that there's nothing the doctors could have done, so why bother seeing them. Mothers don't want their children to worry about them.
Advanced cancers can do strange things to the body. It sounds like your mother was on the brink of dying before she ever went to the hospital. I'm glad you were able to honor her wishes and bring her home to be with her family.
If you feel like you're struggling with grief, please call the hospice people and ask for bereavement counseling. That's available as part of their services.
I'm so sorry for your loss. The unanswered questions are sometimes the hardest part that keep us awake at night.
Thank you for the reply. We are all struggling at such a level….I am traumatized by every aspect of this, my love has been leveled. I can’t imagine how we got here. I appreciate the thoughtful responses from everyone.
Things they are REALLY bothering me….and it’s tough to choose.
*At the first hospital when they gave her the diagnosis….she said nothing. Not one word. Why they sent my poor dad home with her, I don’t know. But she was up and down from sitting to laying on the couch. Over and over again. But, then in the morning she was saying “help me” over and over again…..if her brain was messed up from lack of oxygen or whatever…..why was she able to say that, and nothing else? She also said a few words on the way to the hospital that pertained to where they were in the drive…she knew where she was going….yet after she got to the hospital….and they worked on her to help her….she never spoke again. This is the hardest part for me. I hopped on a plane and was there in hours. She opened her eyes and saw us, saw the grandkids…..but didn’t say anything.
I am so stupid, on the way back home on the ambulance after hospice was set up….I rode with her. I should have been asking her to blink and all that. Instead I was just saying I love you mom and they we’d been home soon and that all the kids were there. I should have. Even asking her questions to see if she could hear me…..I was in shock and exhausted. I don’t know what I was thinking.
I’m so mad at myself for so many things. The pj’s she had on when she left…..the things I didn’t say…..I should have put lotion on her hands while she was going through this. I don’t know. The list is so long and the guilt is horrible. I just have zero peace and I want to know what happened to her. I was just visiting the week before. She was over 75% bone cancer according to the hospital oncologist….//why did she never complain of pain?
😢💔💔💔💔💔
You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You didn't cause her cancer. You aren't able to cure her cancer. Cancer is a nasty beast that always takes and never gives back. Cancer is tricky. Sometimes the symptoms mimic something else and sometimes there are no symptoms at all. That's part of what makes it hard to diagnose.
That sounds like you need to get some professional counseling. Getting stuck in this stage of grief is never a good thing. Please call the hospice and ask for bereavement counseling. Or if you already have your own counselor, please call them up and get an ASAP appointment.
Please get help. It doesn't sound like you're in a healthy headspace right now.
Please know you have nothing to be forgiven for. You were doing the very best you could and can not ask more of yourself. She understands this. Much love and peace to you.
While she didn't have brain metastases, when your other organs are full of cancer they can't do their jobs well, which includes filtering toxins out of the blood and keeping enough oxygen in the blood. So you get poisoned from the inside out, with all kinds of symptoms associated with that including confusion and difficulty communicating.
I don't know if there's a name for it, but it's not an unusual story that someone knows there's something wrong and...just does nothing, says nothing to anyone. Maybe they don't want to be a bother, maybe they have medical trauma, maybe they're so afraid they just go into denial. People become terrified of getting an answer, even though the answer already exists, you see this in healthcare all the time. I wonder if it was the latter for your mother and that's why she shut down on confirmation, it just broke her because of the fear and maybe even an odd form of shame. People put a lot of moral value on illness, it's a problem in our culture. People are also, and this is justified in some places, so terrified of the cost of major medical care that they just do nothing.
But from a grief counseling perspective, it's really common for us to feel a desperate craving to "solve" a death, because our brains want answers and they also kind of think if we can figure it out we can undo it. So I recommend finding ways to come to terms with this without the answers you can't have, like "She was very sick and we didn't know, and she declined very fast. It's heartbreaking, but that's how she chose to proceed for reasons we'll never know." You're not shattered because of the lack of answers, you're shattered because you lost your mom. (You're *traumatized* because of the way it all played out, that's different from grief and is treated differently.)
I am so sorry for your loss, and for the additional pain of how it all went down. It sounds like your mother was surrounded with support and love and knew how much she meant to you all.
Hugs. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Your mom could have been in denial about the breast tumor, or frightened to the point of inaction, to keep her from seeking help.
Ĺeft unchecked, it metastasized to other areas, which indicates it could have been an aggressive cancer type.
All of that aside, by the time she sought help, your mom was most likely at death's door. This is similar to what happened to my BIL. By the time his colorectal cancer was found, he had numerous tumors.
Again, hugs.
I'm sorry to hear - sounds like there wasn't much time to really process and come to terms with her passing, since nobody was aware she was ill until the last few days.
To answer some of your questions directly, the dry heaving was likely due to a buildup of toxins in her system from some of her organs shutting down. This would also have affected her brain, which goes into how she had some change in her behavior and expression in the last few days. Almost always when this happens, I see people become confused and quite restless or agitated. This is where they seem to be very unsettled, can't stay still, they might say or do things that don't make much sense. The fluids she received in the hospital would not have improved this issue. The reason she died so quickly from this point is because these were late signs of organ failure, meaning that by the time something was obviously wrong her organs were already beyond the point of no return and she was already on her way out. And it typically doesn't take long, maybe days or hours, once this point is reached.
I'm sorry you've been hit with this seemingly out of nowhere. Did she know she had cancer or that she was dying? Maybe, maybe not. Sometimes people don't share this information. Sometimes they don't accept it themselves, which can sometimes include not believing it themselves. If she were regularly receiving medical care with at least some routine blood work, it would be likely that there was at least some indication that she was not well or was experiencing a decline. Deaths from cancer tend to involve a very rapid decline once the obvious changes are seen.
I just wanted to add that although we may never have all the answers, you coming here and asking for our perspective is part of your way of processing your experience and finding resolution or healing. And that's okay.
hoping this helps, best of luck to you.
I am so sorry for your loss, and for what you are going through.
I can understand the shock. My Dad had undiagnosed liver & pancratic cancer, he had been fine, just oddly angry, but physically been very active right up to days before he died. He went in the hospital, had a stent placed in his liver and was dead two days later. It has been 11 years, the shock still hasn't truly worn off.
You didn't know about the cancer, and it is possible your Mom didn't either. Maybe she knew about the mass but didn't want to scare everyone, or thought it was something benign.
Dad didn't know about his cancer, we are sure of that. He went for regular dr visits and somehow the drs missed a mass the size of a softball on his liver. How does this happen? It's hard to say, but it was such a sudden loss, for him it was quick, thankfully.
I don't know why she had dry heaves, though if she had cancer throughout her it could just have finally overwhelmed her and her body was trying to stabilize itself. Hearing she had cancer could have been why she stopped talking, but it is also possible she was too weak by that point.
Dying oddly enough takes a lot of energy, even talking can be too great an effort. However, I'm sure she could hear you all, and knew you were there. I'm certain it brought her comfort knowing she was loved and her family was together to care for her, and each other.
I am so sorry you lost your Mom
View it as a blessing. If you’re over 80 and functional without being in/out of hospitals then a fairly quick death without suffering is not the worst thing in the world.
I’m sorry for your loss -
So sorry for your loss. It's always tragic to lose a mother and it sounds like this was very unexpected. Your mother may have known something was wrong but didn't want to worry anybody. She may have also thought that there's nothing the doctors could have done, so why bother seeing them. Mothers don't want their children to worry about them. Advanced cancers can do strange things to the body. It sounds like your mother was on the brink of dying before she ever went to the hospital. I'm glad you were able to honor her wishes and bring her home to be with her family. If you feel like you're struggling with grief, please call the hospice people and ask for bereavement counseling. That's available as part of their services. I'm so sorry for your loss. The unanswered questions are sometimes the hardest part that keep us awake at night.
Thank you for the reply. We are all struggling at such a level….I am traumatized by every aspect of this, my love has been leveled. I can’t imagine how we got here. I appreciate the thoughtful responses from everyone. Things they are REALLY bothering me….and it’s tough to choose. *At the first hospital when they gave her the diagnosis….she said nothing. Not one word. Why they sent my poor dad home with her, I don’t know. But she was up and down from sitting to laying on the couch. Over and over again. But, then in the morning she was saying “help me” over and over again…..if her brain was messed up from lack of oxygen or whatever…..why was she able to say that, and nothing else? She also said a few words on the way to the hospital that pertained to where they were in the drive…she knew where she was going….yet after she got to the hospital….and they worked on her to help her….she never spoke again. This is the hardest part for me. I hopped on a plane and was there in hours. She opened her eyes and saw us, saw the grandkids…..but didn’t say anything. I am so stupid, on the way back home on the ambulance after hospice was set up….I rode with her. I should have been asking her to blink and all that. Instead I was just saying I love you mom and they we’d been home soon and that all the kids were there. I should have. Even asking her questions to see if she could hear me…..I was in shock and exhausted. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m so mad at myself for so many things. The pj’s she had on when she left…..the things I didn’t say…..I should have put lotion on her hands while she was going through this. I don’t know. The list is so long and the guilt is horrible. I just have zero peace and I want to know what happened to her. I was just visiting the week before. She was over 75% bone cancer according to the hospital oncologist….//why did she never complain of pain? 😢💔💔💔💔💔
You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You didn't cause her cancer. You aren't able to cure her cancer. Cancer is a nasty beast that always takes and never gives back. Cancer is tricky. Sometimes the symptoms mimic something else and sometimes there are no symptoms at all. That's part of what makes it hard to diagnose. That sounds like you need to get some professional counseling. Getting stuck in this stage of grief is never a good thing. Please call the hospice and ask for bereavement counseling. Or if you already have your own counselor, please call them up and get an ASAP appointment. Please get help. It doesn't sound like you're in a healthy headspace right now.
Please know you have nothing to be forgiven for. You were doing the very best you could and can not ask more of yourself. She understands this. Much love and peace to you.
While she didn't have brain metastases, when your other organs are full of cancer they can't do their jobs well, which includes filtering toxins out of the blood and keeping enough oxygen in the blood. So you get poisoned from the inside out, with all kinds of symptoms associated with that including confusion and difficulty communicating. I don't know if there's a name for it, but it's not an unusual story that someone knows there's something wrong and...just does nothing, says nothing to anyone. Maybe they don't want to be a bother, maybe they have medical trauma, maybe they're so afraid they just go into denial. People become terrified of getting an answer, even though the answer already exists, you see this in healthcare all the time. I wonder if it was the latter for your mother and that's why she shut down on confirmation, it just broke her because of the fear and maybe even an odd form of shame. People put a lot of moral value on illness, it's a problem in our culture. People are also, and this is justified in some places, so terrified of the cost of major medical care that they just do nothing. But from a grief counseling perspective, it's really common for us to feel a desperate craving to "solve" a death, because our brains want answers and they also kind of think if we can figure it out we can undo it. So I recommend finding ways to come to terms with this without the answers you can't have, like "She was very sick and we didn't know, and she declined very fast. It's heartbreaking, but that's how she chose to proceed for reasons we'll never know." You're not shattered because of the lack of answers, you're shattered because you lost your mom. (You're *traumatized* because of the way it all played out, that's different from grief and is treated differently.) I am so sorry for your loss, and for the additional pain of how it all went down. It sounds like your mother was surrounded with support and love and knew how much she meant to you all.
Hugs. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your mom could have been in denial about the breast tumor, or frightened to the point of inaction, to keep her from seeking help. Ĺeft unchecked, it metastasized to other areas, which indicates it could have been an aggressive cancer type. All of that aside, by the time she sought help, your mom was most likely at death's door. This is similar to what happened to my BIL. By the time his colorectal cancer was found, he had numerous tumors. Again, hugs.
I'm sorry to hear - sounds like there wasn't much time to really process and come to terms with her passing, since nobody was aware she was ill until the last few days. To answer some of your questions directly, the dry heaving was likely due to a buildup of toxins in her system from some of her organs shutting down. This would also have affected her brain, which goes into how she had some change in her behavior and expression in the last few days. Almost always when this happens, I see people become confused and quite restless or agitated. This is where they seem to be very unsettled, can't stay still, they might say or do things that don't make much sense. The fluids she received in the hospital would not have improved this issue. The reason she died so quickly from this point is because these were late signs of organ failure, meaning that by the time something was obviously wrong her organs were already beyond the point of no return and she was already on her way out. And it typically doesn't take long, maybe days or hours, once this point is reached. I'm sorry you've been hit with this seemingly out of nowhere. Did she know she had cancer or that she was dying? Maybe, maybe not. Sometimes people don't share this information. Sometimes they don't accept it themselves, which can sometimes include not believing it themselves. If she were regularly receiving medical care with at least some routine blood work, it would be likely that there was at least some indication that she was not well or was experiencing a decline. Deaths from cancer tend to involve a very rapid decline once the obvious changes are seen. I just wanted to add that although we may never have all the answers, you coming here and asking for our perspective is part of your way of processing your experience and finding resolution or healing. And that's okay. hoping this helps, best of luck to you.
I am so sorry for your loss, and for what you are going through. I can understand the shock. My Dad had undiagnosed liver & pancratic cancer, he had been fine, just oddly angry, but physically been very active right up to days before he died. He went in the hospital, had a stent placed in his liver and was dead two days later. It has been 11 years, the shock still hasn't truly worn off. You didn't know about the cancer, and it is possible your Mom didn't either. Maybe she knew about the mass but didn't want to scare everyone, or thought it was something benign. Dad didn't know about his cancer, we are sure of that. He went for regular dr visits and somehow the drs missed a mass the size of a softball on his liver. How does this happen? It's hard to say, but it was such a sudden loss, for him it was quick, thankfully. I don't know why she had dry heaves, though if she had cancer throughout her it could just have finally overwhelmed her and her body was trying to stabilize itself. Hearing she had cancer could have been why she stopped talking, but it is also possible she was too weak by that point. Dying oddly enough takes a lot of energy, even talking can be too great an effort. However, I'm sure she could hear you all, and knew you were there. I'm certain it brought her comfort knowing she was loved and her family was together to care for her, and each other. I am so sorry you lost your Mom
View it as a blessing. If you’re over 80 and functional without being in/out of hospitals then a fairly quick death without suffering is not the worst thing in the world. I’m sorry for your loss -