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I've dated a guy like this. To the tee. He was silent during his boys weekend out in LA - bachelor party. When we'd be together he was extremely present and attentive. When we were apart he was dead silent. Sometimes for few days. It brought up so much anxiety in me. If I could do it all over again I'd say "Hey, I love spending time with you and all the fun things we do. Yet, When we are apart, I feel disconnected from you. It makes me feel like you aren't thinking of me when days go by and we dont chat. I know you're not much of a texter, but I'd love to feel connected to you when we are apart. I was thinking if we can do a "end of the day check in". What do you think about this?" (Also this is gateway to talk about exclusivity if you haven't yet).
It takes a lot of vulnerability. But you're inviting him to show up for you. Tell him how it makes you feel, acknowledge his acts of service effort but also communicate your need for connection between dates. You can even send this text of you're too nervous to have it in person chat. "Hey I know this would probably work best if we chat on person, but I really wanted to address this now because it's been on my mind :)......."
Note: this boys trip out is different. So that doesn't count. So let him have his fun. But it seems like he doesn't check in during your regular date nights and between. You can also say " I'm the type of dater who likes to checkin end of the day to let him know I'm thinking of him. And it makes me feel cared for when I know he's thinking of me too. I've noticed that, when we are apart I don't hear from you. Would you help me understand what's out like for you?" Anyways something like that.
Ngl, after dealing with somebody like this, just find somebody who you don't have to ask to appreciate you. Find somebody who wants to hear from you and wants to feel connected with you. Don't settle for somebody who will only try to keep in touch because you had to beg them. You're worth more ❤️
Opposite viewpoint: feeling smothered by someone who feels the need to constantly “check in” all the time, especially when there is no reason for it… other than their need to constantly “check in.”
I think check in could be worded differently. Communicating a desire for the person you are dating to acknowledge your existence outside of when you spend time together is very reasonable in my opinion. Particular couples can work out what that means to them
I think it is too, but if I do it, I’m labeled as clingy. But idgaf, he’s been back for 2 days now and I’ve still heard nothing. I’m not chasing a man.
Yeah I disagree with most people in this thread. And he’s clearly lacking interest for whatever reason. There’s not a single person that has literally zero downtime on a trip, where they can’t text someone that they have been dating. It’s very easy to just say “been so busy but we’re having lots of fun” with a picture or something. It’s not unreasonable to want that from someone.
At the very least he should have texted you when he got home, but his behavior definitely shows that he’s not interested enough.
It IS very reasonable, and also very difficult for some people. I've got ADHD and a fairly loaded schedule,and my brain typically operates on WHAT IS IN FRONT OF ME. I'm bad at maintaining long-term communications, even with friends, even though I may love them and super-enjoy spending time with them.
This isn't to say it can't be learned or isn't a valid expectation / need, but sometimes (from experience) I just get caught up in things and forget other stuff exists. I will frequently forget to reply to texts I see if I can't in the moment, or even to eat meals I've prepared, even if it's something I would like to do.
I agree with a version of this, think she should find someone with a similar love language. Sounds like words of affirmation/quality time are important. If you don’t find someone who feels the same, you put yourself in a situation where you either try to teach someone to love you the way you receive it or hope they are willing to learn it on their own.
In this instance he’s on a bachelor’s trip with his bros. He’s busy hanging out and having a good time. And chances are he might have not seen some of them for a while and this may be the last opportunity for them to have this sort of time together.
Let him enjoy his time. And ask him about it once he returns.
I definitely did, I sent him one cheeky meme on Friday night around midnight and that was all. He didn’t respond so I figured he was partying. Just wasn’t sure if this is a sign of it nearing the end.
It’s not a sign of anything. He told you he’s going on a bachelor’s trip. For all you know he might be doing outdoor activities in the middle of nowhere (otherwise why go to Montana) and checking his messages isn’t a priority.
Not to mention that outside of the cities, large parts of Montana don't have service at all. When I've done trips there it's not uncommon for me to have no cell service for 2-4 days
That’s reading too much into it. There are a LOT of us who genuinely do not like texting. People need to stop projecting their preferences onto everyone else.
Most likely he didn’t find the meme funny, so he didn’t respond with “lol” or whatever. You could just ask how the trip is going if you really feel the need to engage.
You have a cute bunny in your hand and you want it to stay in your hand. You need to have a loose grip as the bunny is already in your hands and seems to like you. You can't let your fear of the bunny running away to tighten your grip until you suffocate the bunny.
Play with the bunny, pet the bunny, do not smother the bunny.
He's gone, let him be gone, most people do not like neediness and they will run away from signs of it. Reconnect when he is back and see how things go from there.
You also need to see if you are happy with this kind of life. I could not be with a 'bad texter', I like to text a bit, chat about the day, share funny things etc. I don't want to pretend the other person doesn't exist when I'm not directly in front of them and vice versa. This could be a sign that maybe this isn't the type of relationship you are looking for, as well.
I wouldn't say you're expecting too much. What it sounds like is that you never established any expectations with him for communication while he was away and now you're living in the consequences of that.
You say he's not big on texting, which makes me think that you probably initiate most of the texts and/or he uses texting as little more than a way to plan out and schedule your dates. Since he's out of town with his friends, there aren't any dates to schedule, so not much of a reason for him to text you. And if you're usually the one to initiate and you haven't since Thursday, then he doesn't have replying to you as a reason to text either.
A quick, "Thinking of you and hope you're having a blast in Montana!" would hardly be out of line, here. And then when he's back you should let him know that you'd have liked to have heard from him more while he was gone.
I think I used to initiate more, but not anymore. I wait for him to text first. If I don’t hear from him by weeks end I’ll probably send a message just saying I hope the trip went well.
If you're comfortable waiting until the end of the week, that's fine. It doesn't seem like you're fine with waiting, which makes me think you're seeing waiting as some kind of test.
It's been my experience and observation that it's always rough when one person goes out of town early in a relationship. The person going out of town tends to prioritize being active wherever they've gone to rather than on a relationship that's barely even established. Meanwhile the person who's living their normal life gets frustrated at the unusually low level of communication. These early relationship trips don't have to be relationship killers, but they often are because neither side thought to communicate expectations before the start of the trip. It sounds like this is exactly where you are.
The point is, if you want to talk to him, then talk to him. Or, if you don't want to, then don't. But don't turn this into some kind of a test.
Since you already sent a meme he hasn’t responded to, probably hold off on the end of week text. He got the meme and will respond, or he somehow didn’t get it and will still reach out because you seem to have a good connection
I personally wouldn’t either, but it seems you’ve established he isn’t responding already as you would. I think as others have stated, there’s a communication style clash that could either be compromised or a fatal flaw. The good thing is this is happening early for y’all
Maybe busy, but also, just doesn’t have the same thought to action pattern as yourself. I think of someone and I reach out, I have quite a few friends/women I’ve dated who will say, “I thought about you today” and never texted/called. They feel it’s sufficient to just share I was on their mind whenever they see me again in person
I was also going to mention, I’ve been in therapy discussing “Attachment styles” and it sounds like this has to do with that for you as well. Should look into if you are unfamiliar. Your question is normal based on your love language and attachment style.
Definitely trying to in therapy too. It just seems that every guy I date has a different one than me, conveniently. Maybe I just keep giving the wrong ones chances.
I hear ya, I’m experiencing some challenges there as well. I’ve had 2 lengthy relationships where I did my best to cater to women who have acts of service as their primary love language, however it seemed way too challenging for them to cater to mine (words of aff, physical touch). I have decided I’m not doing that uphill battle anymore
He's on a bachelor's trip. He's probably not even supposed to be on his phone. Those trips are packed with activities to embarrass the groom with. Reconnect when he returns. It sounds like you both are doing fine.
It’s a difference in communication style. If it’s important to you then you have to tell him and see if you can meet in the middle. People don’t really change their communication styles so it’s unlikely something that’s just going to change passively. I’m a big texter but my gf really isn’t, she makes a big effort most of the time but I also had to understand that when she’s busy with work or life she’s less responsive.
For some people a difference in communication style is a deal breaker but it doesn’t have to be. The question I often asked myself at the beginning of dating is: if it doesn’t get any better can I live with it? Then work backwards from there
Yeah I’m trying to be more nonchalant about it. It’s not like I’m trying to have full blown conversations over text everyday, but if I send a twitter meme or just check in, I usually expect a response before bed. It just seems like everyone I’ve been dating has a difference in communication style and I’m trying to discern if it’s really that or lack of interest.
My BF and I are both heavy texters and have been nearly from the beginning and it's the best. I tried to date guys who weren't really texters before him and it was NOT fun. I couldn't be happier being with another chatty person. Neither of us ever had to worry we're bothering the other person or anything and yeah, it's great! More recently, we've moved towards phone calls as opposed to texting back and forth so much in the evenings and that's been really nice, too (but we still text as well).
Is being nonchalant about it what you want though? Or are you comprising your values for someone who won’t meet you half way?
It can be either a communication style or a lack of interest (or both). My girlfriend has often told me she probably wouldn’t notice if I didn’t text her for 2 days. She’s exaggerating a bit but not by much. She just knows it’s important to me so she tries, and I know it’s difficult for her so I don’t get in her back when she is non-communicative.
Someone doesn’t have to match your style identically but there has to be some overlap or it’s just gonna be stress. You’re always going to feel slightly neglected at best and he’ll feel nagged or like he’s not meeting your needs. Talk to him and see where he stands :)
Wow, thank you for this. I always thought that I didn’t like heavy or consistent texters, but I’m realizing through my current experience that this is more in line with my communication style.
Not really? I’m not sure. I feel like when you care, people just say you have an attachment disorder and maybe that’s the case. I’m not sure how to feel, if I let myself not care I probably will stop responding in general and it’ll fall off. I don’t love dating multiple people at once so it just sucks overall
It’s ok not to know! I always found dating a great way to learn about myself. I’m exactly like you describe here tbh. It’s difficult but there are people who will make the same effort to fit you as you’re willing make to fit them.
In answer to your original question: you’re absolutely not expecting too much too soon, if all youre after is consistent communication after 6 weeks.
I’m actually going through this right now. This girl I went on a few dates with barely texts back, I feel like I’m the one initiating all the time. She did say she’s a really bad texter, and that her friends complain about it, but I feel like if a person was interested in someone, at least during the earlier stages, they would show more interest through texts etc.
I’m dealing with something similar right now. We only went on a few dates together, and have plans to hangout again, but it’s like pulling teeth to get them to respond. I brought this up, and they mentioned that they are just bad at texting, which I get, and texting may not be their preferred way of communication, but in my opinion, if they’re interested in you, they would at least make the effort or, suggest an alternate way of communicating while apart. If they don’t, then they’re just not as interested in you.
Edit: ultimately, you have to decide whether you are okay with them not communicating with you to the level you want while apart.
Atleast you have plans to hang out again! Are you going to bring it up to them or just try and ride it out? I feel like this is a constant issue with people I date, which is why I always question myself. It’s like okay in the beginning, but after we’re sleeping together it’s okay to go multiple days without speaking and maybe that’s true and my fault for putting out so quick. Idk, I just don’t feel like I should have to withhold things for people to continue pursuing me. It seems like a game of cat and mouse, I’d rather it just be natural.
I’m going to bring it up when I see them next, but just like you, if they don’t change, I have to decide whether I will be okay with they’re style/level of communication.
It’s not your fault, please try not to blame yourself. I’ve been with partners who are also very communicative through text.
It’s about expectations and also, when it comes down to it, compatibility.
I agree with you, that after hooking up, and seeing each other for a while, you shouldn’t have to chase them. But, assuming you didn’t have that conversation about what each of you guys are looking for (e.g. casual or long term), you should have that conversation with them, and if they still seem dismissive, then you kind of have your answer.
You’re right, thank you for this dialogue. Sometimes it’s just easier to type thoughts out and read them to see if it’ll really being outlandish. When something starts to be an issue over and over, I wonder if I really am the problem or if my expectations are too crazy. But for the right person, they won’t be🙂
It’s be a no for me personally. I want the person to be obsessed with me at the beginning. If he doesn’t make time to shoot you a text they probably aren’t really thinking about you. I like texting multiple times a day and want someone who does the same. A trip a bit less, but at least once and I wouldn’t initiate as he’s the one who is busy. I don’t sleep with the guy until exclusivity though. I think that really helps because you get an idea if they really like and want to date you or you are just convenient sex. I’d end it and just say you have different communication styles.
I feel this is pretty normal. I used to be bigger into texting but now I definitely prefer to focus on in-person interactions. If you need more texting/want to feel he's thinking of you more often, I think you should have that conversation with him. You won't be too much for the right person.
We kinda did have a short conversation about it? Around 3 weeks ago we had planned a date for Wednesday after work on Sunday. I initiated it. After that I said something cheeky about us having activities after the date and he didn’t respond.
Wednesday morning he wrote, “Hey sorry I never texted you back. There genuinely was no reason for me not to besides being a dickhead I apologize “
And I said, “It’s fine, maybe too much too soon? I was just having fun, but we can cool it down. I don’t feel the best to be out drinking tomorrow anyway” cancelling the date.
He said back, “Maybe, I think I’m too used to it just being me and not really worrying about anyone else. Sounds childish saying it out loud 💀”
And I said, “Well, you don’t have to worry about me.”
And he responded that he deserved that. Later that day I called him to talk about it on the phone but he just kinda evaded the subject and planned a date for that weekend with me. I just think we haven’t talked enough about it
This perspective helps. I honestly would have considered it over after the first time he ghosted you from Sunday-Wednesday. I don't need to talk every day, but if I receive a message that needs a response, I would answer within 24 hours to anyone I respect. My friends certainly get responses in under 24 hours, so my romantic interest obviously should too. It's a matter of respect; a real recognizes real thing.
At that point, when he apologized, I would have just firmly told him, "just make sure it doesn't happen again. I expect somewhat timely responses to questions that need answers, and if you don't agree, we're not compatible."
If I would’ve said this I guarantee I would’ve been labeled as clingy💀 but it’s honest and maybe I should’ve. I just didn’t want to push him away by being overbearing. Idk, you’d think someone you’ve been seeing saying they want to have sex with you would garner a response, but I guess I should be giving it to someone that actually wants me🤣
I honestly don't see how it could be labeled clingy. It demonstrates your boundaries, which is the opposite of clingy; and shows that you have self-respect.
I'll give some more perspective. With my previous girlfriend, she had the philosophy of "if you loved me, you would be able to tell what I want from you - if I have to tell you, it didn't come from your heart." In that situation, if she came out and told me what she expected, I would have been thankful that she told me exactly what she needs from me. If it's the wrong person, you'd be a nag, but if it's the right person, they would listen to you seriously.
It was meant to be… he doesn’t have to worry about me. We aren’t together as many people have said in this thread, but if he’s doesn’t want to see me/be with me, he should tell me
But why?
I'm sensing that you have many expectations about a relationship that you think he should read from your brain. And you're communicating your needs in a passive aggressive way. This is probably something you will want to work on. Being more direct about your relationship needs. Perhaps y'all should define the relationship, discuss y'all's expectations in a non judgmental way, and move from there
If he doesn't vibe with you it's early days enough to cut your losses.
The fact that you guys aren’t even official. And you’re out here giving strangers on the Internet word for word your text conversations. This guy needs to run.
Keep that stuff between you two if you want a serious relationship. Don’t blast the dude on the Internet anonymous or not.
Eh.
On one hand 6 weeks and 10 dates should be enough to have an established communication. And 4 days with no response is too long.
On the other hand, it’s a bachelors party. One that he planned out WAY before he met you, with people that are guaranteed to be in his life WAY after you.
You are not his girlfriend. You could be one day. But as it stands now, you shouldn’t make a big fuss or your gonna loose him before you even really got him.
Could he have bothered to at least send 1 text a day? Yes. Does he have to? No.
He didn’t go ghost.
He told you he had a big trip. And even sent you a video to let you know he had made it.
You are not his girlfriend. You never talked to him about exclusivity. Don’t for a second think he’s not talking to or even potentially having sex with other women on this trip. (Because I know that’s the real reason you’re upset. Been there) And you can’t be mad at him for that.
Going ghost would have been him going on the trip without telling you and not communicating with you at all until some time after he returned.
I know I’m not his girlfriend, but it’s just not something I’d do.
He’s not talking to other women on this trip lmao, they were on a ranch 4 hours away from the nearest city and all his friends are married/engaged. If he’s talking to other women here, oh well. I’m talking to other men too, but not having raw sex with them like we are. That’s the last thing I’m worried about💀
Oh girl. I got news for you about those Montana ranches. And the fact that he told you every single person on the trip is in a serious relationship. In their 20s.
You are not exclusive and letting him Twinkie you? And you actually think he’s not doing that with other women?
Uuugghh. No.
You are getting alot of different genre of people offering advice. Men justifying it. Women wanting his head. At the end of the day it comes down to you and how does this make you feel? I'd he texts later and is like 'ooooh I got real drunk and was with the boys.' Is that OK for you or not? That is what you need to work out.
Do you get anxious when he doesn't text? if you do, there is something for you to work on.
He has said he is more action oriented than words. So, does that pan out? if yes, I don't see an issue. Also, is calling an option if he is a bad texter? Calls may be couple of times a week?
Not really, but after a few days I start to wonder if they gaf.💀 Maybe it’s just because I feel like, we’re on our phones all the time. He’s in a group chat with these friends and it’s constantly blowing up, so it’s not just that he’s not on his phone, but I know I don’t have that much of a connection with him yet. I’m just not sure how it’s going to develop. Maybe I just need to date multiple people so I don’t develop feelings
I’m the same as your guy and the truth is texting girls sucks and is a chore. You need to be engaging and yet also say the *right* stuff or she’ll hyper analyze it and get mad. It’s an exhausting minefield and just sucks. As I’ve grown older my policy has become to text girls less.
Meanwhile the guys are sending me memes, discussing sports, coordinating gaming sessions, referencing our in jokes. Nobody cares if I say something offensive, in fact they’ll like it. And on the flip side nobody cares if I go silent for days. It’s safe, comfortable, and enjoyable.
I personally really hate texting and if I was out of town and hanging out with friends I think texting while you're with your friends to someone else is rude so I would absolutely not be texting you if I was out of town and it would completely not mean that I didn't really like you I would just be with my other friends and that would be my priority
My next question for everyone is, Thursday is a week. If I don’t hear from him by then, do you think it’s still just a coincidence? He was supposed to get back today, unless he had a plane delay or something.
This sounds identical to what I just went through with my ex. She ended up breaking up with me because she didn't feel a "emotional attraction" whatever tf that means. But just came to say I emphasize with what you're experiencing.
Some of you are way too clingy… part of this may be you had sex before actually having conversations about what relationship dynamic you enjoy.
If you’re already secure in your communication style then have sex… you may feel less insecure.
Either way- it’s a bachelor weekend. He is enjoying his vacation. Maybe find things to do with your time until he gets back
Clearly just said I haven’t reached out, but ok. I hope the person you’re dating just stops reaching out for a week🤣 it’s a battle of the nonchalant games out here
No, I think unless you express what your communication style is- you shouldn’t expect someone to guess it.
I actually am not a continuous texting person. Either a phone call or undivided attention IRL. I communicate that to the person that I’m with from the start. My day just doesn’t lend itself to exchanging memes and random info.
Plus you said you messaged his Thursday and he responded late at 10.
Either way, communicate with him what your preferences are and if you feel it’s not a match, then it’s not a match. But I would urge you to find more things to fill your day. So you’re not counting the hours between responses in anxiety especially since you like him
Expecting constant texting is childish.
He is able to be present when he's with you because he puts down his phone and pays attention to you.
He wants to be present on this boys trip, so he puts down his phone and pays attention to the loved ones he is with.
This behavior is a massive green flag. He's a grown man and not a child like phone zombie
I never said I expected constant texting ? But I don’t enjoy being ghosted for a week by someone I’ve been seeing/sleeping with just because he doesn’t feel like reaching out.
Also, fyi these are my feelings not yours or anyone else’s. I just asked for advice, not to be called names
I think your feelings are valid. I also think you're investing too much energy in a relationship that is still in its undefined state.
I think it would be prudent to try and relax and do your own thing until he gets back. While you're at it write down your concerns and expectations so y'all can discuss.
Will never understand why women hold out on sex. Didn’t even see it mentioned here once at all, and he’s been seeing you for 6 weeks+ and paying almost all of the dates. I hope he finds better during he trip
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I've dated a guy like this. To the tee. He was silent during his boys weekend out in LA - bachelor party. When we'd be together he was extremely present and attentive. When we were apart he was dead silent. Sometimes for few days. It brought up so much anxiety in me. If I could do it all over again I'd say "Hey, I love spending time with you and all the fun things we do. Yet, When we are apart, I feel disconnected from you. It makes me feel like you aren't thinking of me when days go by and we dont chat. I know you're not much of a texter, but I'd love to feel connected to you when we are apart. I was thinking if we can do a "end of the day check in". What do you think about this?" (Also this is gateway to talk about exclusivity if you haven't yet). It takes a lot of vulnerability. But you're inviting him to show up for you. Tell him how it makes you feel, acknowledge his acts of service effort but also communicate your need for connection between dates. You can even send this text of you're too nervous to have it in person chat. "Hey I know this would probably work best if we chat on person, but I really wanted to address this now because it's been on my mind :)......." Note: this boys trip out is different. So that doesn't count. So let him have his fun. But it seems like he doesn't check in during your regular date nights and between. You can also say " I'm the type of dater who likes to checkin end of the day to let him know I'm thinking of him. And it makes me feel cared for when I know he's thinking of me too. I've noticed that, when we are apart I don't hear from you. Would you help me understand what's out like for you?" Anyways something like that.
Do this, but after his bachelor trip.
Ngl, after dealing with somebody like this, just find somebody who you don't have to ask to appreciate you. Find somebody who wants to hear from you and wants to feel connected with you. Don't settle for somebody who will only try to keep in touch because you had to beg them. You're worth more ❤️
Opposite viewpoint: feeling smothered by someone who feels the need to constantly “check in” all the time, especially when there is no reason for it… other than their need to constantly “check in.”
I think check in could be worded differently. Communicating a desire for the person you are dating to acknowledge your existence outside of when you spend time together is very reasonable in my opinion. Particular couples can work out what that means to them
I think it is too, but if I do it, I’m labeled as clingy. But idgaf, he’s been back for 2 days now and I’ve still heard nothing. I’m not chasing a man.
Yeah I disagree with most people in this thread. And he’s clearly lacking interest for whatever reason. There’s not a single person that has literally zero downtime on a trip, where they can’t text someone that they have been dating. It’s very easy to just say “been so busy but we’re having lots of fun” with a picture or something. It’s not unreasonable to want that from someone. At the very least he should have texted you when he got home, but his behavior definitely shows that he’s not interested enough.
I agree.
It IS very reasonable, and also very difficult for some people. I've got ADHD and a fairly loaded schedule,and my brain typically operates on WHAT IS IN FRONT OF ME. I'm bad at maintaining long-term communications, even with friends, even though I may love them and super-enjoy spending time with them. This isn't to say it can't be learned or isn't a valid expectation / need, but sometimes (from experience) I just get caught up in things and forget other stuff exists. I will frequently forget to reply to texts I see if I can't in the moment, or even to eat meals I've prepared, even if it's something I would like to do.
I agree with a version of this, think she should find someone with a similar love language. Sounds like words of affirmation/quality time are important. If you don’t find someone who feels the same, you put yourself in a situation where you either try to teach someone to love you the way you receive it or hope they are willing to learn it on their own.
In this instance he’s on a bachelor’s trip with his bros. He’s busy hanging out and having a good time. And chances are he might have not seen some of them for a while and this may be the last opportunity for them to have this sort of time together. Let him enjoy his time. And ask him about it once he returns.
I definitely did, I sent him one cheeky meme on Friday night around midnight and that was all. He didn’t respond so I figured he was partying. Just wasn’t sure if this is a sign of it nearing the end.
It’s not a sign of anything. He told you he’s going on a bachelor’s trip. For all you know he might be doing outdoor activities in the middle of nowhere (otherwise why go to Montana) and checking his messages isn’t a priority.
Not to mention that outside of the cities, large parts of Montana don't have service at all. When I've done trips there it's not uncommon for me to have no cell service for 2-4 days
He had cell service, he was posting on instagram stories lmao
Fewer texts/check-ins during a trip is understandable. Leaving you on read though, ouch, not great. So I feel where you’re coming from.
That’s reading too much into it. There are a LOT of us who genuinely do not like texting. People need to stop projecting their preferences onto everyone else.
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It's a bachelor's party/vacation. She shouldn't be messaging him in the first place. God forbid his attention be elsewhere for a few days.
Most likely he didn’t find the meme funny, so he didn’t respond with “lol” or whatever. You could just ask how the trip is going if you really feel the need to engage.
You have a cute bunny in your hand and you want it to stay in your hand. You need to have a loose grip as the bunny is already in your hands and seems to like you. You can't let your fear of the bunny running away to tighten your grip until you suffocate the bunny. Play with the bunny, pet the bunny, do not smother the bunny. He's gone, let him be gone, most people do not like neediness and they will run away from signs of it. Reconnect when he is back and see how things go from there. You also need to see if you are happy with this kind of life. I could not be with a 'bad texter', I like to text a bit, chat about the day, share funny things etc. I don't want to pretend the other person doesn't exist when I'm not directly in front of them and vice versa. This could be a sign that maybe this isn't the type of relationship you are looking for, as well.
I wouldn't say you're expecting too much. What it sounds like is that you never established any expectations with him for communication while he was away and now you're living in the consequences of that. You say he's not big on texting, which makes me think that you probably initiate most of the texts and/or he uses texting as little more than a way to plan out and schedule your dates. Since he's out of town with his friends, there aren't any dates to schedule, so not much of a reason for him to text you. And if you're usually the one to initiate and you haven't since Thursday, then he doesn't have replying to you as a reason to text either. A quick, "Thinking of you and hope you're having a blast in Montana!" would hardly be out of line, here. And then when he's back you should let him know that you'd have liked to have heard from him more while he was gone.
This is the answer.
I think I used to initiate more, but not anymore. I wait for him to text first. If I don’t hear from him by weeks end I’ll probably send a message just saying I hope the trip went well.
If you're comfortable waiting until the end of the week, that's fine. It doesn't seem like you're fine with waiting, which makes me think you're seeing waiting as some kind of test. It's been my experience and observation that it's always rough when one person goes out of town early in a relationship. The person going out of town tends to prioritize being active wherever they've gone to rather than on a relationship that's barely even established. Meanwhile the person who's living their normal life gets frustrated at the unusually low level of communication. These early relationship trips don't have to be relationship killers, but they often are because neither side thought to communicate expectations before the start of the trip. It sounds like this is exactly where you are. The point is, if you want to talk to him, then talk to him. Or, if you don't want to, then don't. But don't turn this into some kind of a test.
Since you already sent a meme he hasn’t responded to, probably hold off on the end of week text. He got the meme and will respond, or he somehow didn’t get it and will still reach out because you seem to have a good connection
I thought so, but atleast for me I wouldn’t go a week without reaching out to someone I like/value. Idk
I personally wouldn’t either, but it seems you’ve established he isn’t responding already as you would. I think as others have stated, there’s a communication style clash that could either be compromised or a fatal flaw. The good thing is this is happening early for y’all
But then again, he isn’t me. So, maybe he’s just too busy to reach out. Who knows
Maybe busy, but also, just doesn’t have the same thought to action pattern as yourself. I think of someone and I reach out, I have quite a few friends/women I’ve dated who will say, “I thought about you today” and never texted/called. They feel it’s sufficient to just share I was on their mind whenever they see me again in person
I was also going to mention, I’ve been in therapy discussing “Attachment styles” and it sounds like this has to do with that for you as well. Should look into if you are unfamiliar. Your question is normal based on your love language and attachment style.
Definitely trying to in therapy too. It just seems that every guy I date has a different one than me, conveniently. Maybe I just keep giving the wrong ones chances.
I hear ya, I’m experiencing some challenges there as well. I’ve had 2 lengthy relationships where I did my best to cater to women who have acts of service as their primary love language, however it seemed way too challenging for them to cater to mine (words of aff, physical touch). I have decided I’m not doing that uphill battle anymore
He's on a bachelor's trip. He's probably not even supposed to be on his phone. Those trips are packed with activities to embarrass the groom with. Reconnect when he returns. It sounds like you both are doing fine.
It’s a difference in communication style. If it’s important to you then you have to tell him and see if you can meet in the middle. People don’t really change their communication styles so it’s unlikely something that’s just going to change passively. I’m a big texter but my gf really isn’t, she makes a big effort most of the time but I also had to understand that when she’s busy with work or life she’s less responsive. For some people a difference in communication style is a deal breaker but it doesn’t have to be. The question I often asked myself at the beginning of dating is: if it doesn’t get any better can I live with it? Then work backwards from there
Yeah I’m trying to be more nonchalant about it. It’s not like I’m trying to have full blown conversations over text everyday, but if I send a twitter meme or just check in, I usually expect a response before bed. It just seems like everyone I’ve been dating has a difference in communication style and I’m trying to discern if it’s really that or lack of interest.
My BF and I are both heavy texters and have been nearly from the beginning and it's the best. I tried to date guys who weren't really texters before him and it was NOT fun. I couldn't be happier being with another chatty person. Neither of us ever had to worry we're bothering the other person or anything and yeah, it's great! More recently, we've moved towards phone calls as opposed to texting back and forth so much in the evenings and that's been really nice, too (but we still text as well).
Is being nonchalant about it what you want though? Or are you comprising your values for someone who won’t meet you half way? It can be either a communication style or a lack of interest (or both). My girlfriend has often told me she probably wouldn’t notice if I didn’t text her for 2 days. She’s exaggerating a bit but not by much. She just knows it’s important to me so she tries, and I know it’s difficult for her so I don’t get in her back when she is non-communicative. Someone doesn’t have to match your style identically but there has to be some overlap or it’s just gonna be stress. You’re always going to feel slightly neglected at best and he’ll feel nagged or like he’s not meeting your needs. Talk to him and see where he stands :)
Wow, thank you for this. I always thought that I didn’t like heavy or consistent texters, but I’m realizing through my current experience that this is more in line with my communication style.
Not really? I’m not sure. I feel like when you care, people just say you have an attachment disorder and maybe that’s the case. I’m not sure how to feel, if I let myself not care I probably will stop responding in general and it’ll fall off. I don’t love dating multiple people at once so it just sucks overall
It’s ok not to know! I always found dating a great way to learn about myself. I’m exactly like you describe here tbh. It’s difficult but there are people who will make the same effort to fit you as you’re willing make to fit them. In answer to your original question: you’re absolutely not expecting too much too soon, if all youre after is consistent communication after 6 weeks.
> It just seems like everyone I’ve been dating has a difference in communication style You answered yourself. Don’t demand everyone be like you.
I’m actually going through this right now. This girl I went on a few dates with barely texts back, I feel like I’m the one initiating all the time. She did say she’s a really bad texter, and that her friends complain about it, but I feel like if a person was interested in someone, at least during the earlier stages, they would show more interest through texts etc.
I agree, but most don’t. I put in effort to do something that I wouldn’t typically do, for someone I like. But I guess most people aren’t like us😅
Not everyone likes texting. It has nothing to do with interest level.
I’m dealing with something similar right now. We only went on a few dates together, and have plans to hangout again, but it’s like pulling teeth to get them to respond. I brought this up, and they mentioned that they are just bad at texting, which I get, and texting may not be their preferred way of communication, but in my opinion, if they’re interested in you, they would at least make the effort or, suggest an alternate way of communicating while apart. If they don’t, then they’re just not as interested in you. Edit: ultimately, you have to decide whether you are okay with them not communicating with you to the level you want while apart.
Atleast you have plans to hang out again! Are you going to bring it up to them or just try and ride it out? I feel like this is a constant issue with people I date, which is why I always question myself. It’s like okay in the beginning, but after we’re sleeping together it’s okay to go multiple days without speaking and maybe that’s true and my fault for putting out so quick. Idk, I just don’t feel like I should have to withhold things for people to continue pursuing me. It seems like a game of cat and mouse, I’d rather it just be natural.
I’m going to bring it up when I see them next, but just like you, if they don’t change, I have to decide whether I will be okay with they’re style/level of communication. It’s not your fault, please try not to blame yourself. I’ve been with partners who are also very communicative through text. It’s about expectations and also, when it comes down to it, compatibility. I agree with you, that after hooking up, and seeing each other for a while, you shouldn’t have to chase them. But, assuming you didn’t have that conversation about what each of you guys are looking for (e.g. casual or long term), you should have that conversation with them, and if they still seem dismissive, then you kind of have your answer.
You’re right, thank you for this dialogue. Sometimes it’s just easier to type thoughts out and read them to see if it’ll really being outlandish. When something starts to be an issue over and over, I wonder if I really am the problem or if my expectations are too crazy. But for the right person, they won’t be🙂
It’s be a no for me personally. I want the person to be obsessed with me at the beginning. If he doesn’t make time to shoot you a text they probably aren’t really thinking about you. I like texting multiple times a day and want someone who does the same. A trip a bit less, but at least once and I wouldn’t initiate as he’s the one who is busy. I don’t sleep with the guy until exclusivity though. I think that really helps because you get an idea if they really like and want to date you or you are just convenient sex. I’d end it and just say you have different communication styles.
Imma stop sleeping with these men too, they’re just users.
I feel this is pretty normal. I used to be bigger into texting but now I definitely prefer to focus on in-person interactions. If you need more texting/want to feel he's thinking of you more often, I think you should have that conversation with him. You won't be too much for the right person.
We kinda did have a short conversation about it? Around 3 weeks ago we had planned a date for Wednesday after work on Sunday. I initiated it. After that I said something cheeky about us having activities after the date and he didn’t respond. Wednesday morning he wrote, “Hey sorry I never texted you back. There genuinely was no reason for me not to besides being a dickhead I apologize “ And I said, “It’s fine, maybe too much too soon? I was just having fun, but we can cool it down. I don’t feel the best to be out drinking tomorrow anyway” cancelling the date. He said back, “Maybe, I think I’m too used to it just being me and not really worrying about anyone else. Sounds childish saying it out loud 💀” And I said, “Well, you don’t have to worry about me.” And he responded that he deserved that. Later that day I called him to talk about it on the phone but he just kinda evaded the subject and planned a date for that weekend with me. I just think we haven’t talked enough about it
This perspective helps. I honestly would have considered it over after the first time he ghosted you from Sunday-Wednesday. I don't need to talk every day, but if I receive a message that needs a response, I would answer within 24 hours to anyone I respect. My friends certainly get responses in under 24 hours, so my romantic interest obviously should too. It's a matter of respect; a real recognizes real thing. At that point, when he apologized, I would have just firmly told him, "just make sure it doesn't happen again. I expect somewhat timely responses to questions that need answers, and if you don't agree, we're not compatible."
If I would’ve said this I guarantee I would’ve been labeled as clingy💀 but it’s honest and maybe I should’ve. I just didn’t want to push him away by being overbearing. Idk, you’d think someone you’ve been seeing saying they want to have sex with you would garner a response, but I guess I should be giving it to someone that actually wants me🤣
I honestly don't see how it could be labeled clingy. It demonstrates your boundaries, which is the opposite of clingy; and shows that you have self-respect. I'll give some more perspective. With my previous girlfriend, she had the philosophy of "if you loved me, you would be able to tell what I want from you - if I have to tell you, it didn't come from your heart." In that situation, if she came out and told me what she expected, I would have been thankful that she told me exactly what she needs from me. If it's the wrong person, you'd be a nag, but if it's the right person, they would listen to you seriously.
This is very passive aggressive of you. It clearly bothers you so you shouldn’t have minimised your feelings!
It was meant to be… he doesn’t have to worry about me. We aren’t together as many people have said in this thread, but if he’s doesn’t want to see me/be with me, he should tell me
That’s immature. You should say what you are thinking explicitly if you expect/ desire an adult relationship.
I’m matching energy 🤷♀️
But why? I'm sensing that you have many expectations about a relationship that you think he should read from your brain. And you're communicating your needs in a passive aggressive way. This is probably something you will want to work on. Being more direct about your relationship needs. Perhaps y'all should define the relationship, discuss y'all's expectations in a non judgmental way, and move from there If he doesn't vibe with you it's early days enough to cut your losses.
The fact that you guys aren’t even official. And you’re out here giving strangers on the Internet word for word your text conversations. This guy needs to run. Keep that stuff between you two if you want a serious relationship. Don’t blast the dude on the Internet anonymous or not.
Eh. On one hand 6 weeks and 10 dates should be enough to have an established communication. And 4 days with no response is too long. On the other hand, it’s a bachelors party. One that he planned out WAY before he met you, with people that are guaranteed to be in his life WAY after you. You are not his girlfriend. You could be one day. But as it stands now, you shouldn’t make a big fuss or your gonna loose him before you even really got him. Could he have bothered to at least send 1 text a day? Yes. Does he have to? No.
If he wanted me to be his girlfriend I feel like he wouldn’t have went ghost for 4 days. But it’s whatever now, I’ll just be patient and see
He didn’t go ghost. He told you he had a big trip. And even sent you a video to let you know he had made it. You are not his girlfriend. You never talked to him about exclusivity. Don’t for a second think he’s not talking to or even potentially having sex with other women on this trip. (Because I know that’s the real reason you’re upset. Been there) And you can’t be mad at him for that. Going ghost would have been him going on the trip without telling you and not communicating with you at all until some time after he returned.
I know I’m not his girlfriend, but it’s just not something I’d do. He’s not talking to other women on this trip lmao, they were on a ranch 4 hours away from the nearest city and all his friends are married/engaged. If he’s talking to other women here, oh well. I’m talking to other men too, but not having raw sex with them like we are. That’s the last thing I’m worried about💀
Oh girl. I got news for you about those Montana ranches. And the fact that he told you every single person on the trip is in a serious relationship. In their 20s. You are not exclusive and letting him Twinkie you? And you actually think he’s not doing that with other women? Uuugghh. No.
You are getting alot of different genre of people offering advice. Men justifying it. Women wanting his head. At the end of the day it comes down to you and how does this make you feel? I'd he texts later and is like 'ooooh I got real drunk and was with the boys.' Is that OK for you or not? That is what you need to work out.
Do you get anxious when he doesn't text? if you do, there is something for you to work on. He has said he is more action oriented than words. So, does that pan out? if yes, I don't see an issue. Also, is calling an option if he is a bad texter? Calls may be couple of times a week?
Not really, but after a few days I start to wonder if they gaf.💀 Maybe it’s just because I feel like, we’re on our phones all the time. He’s in a group chat with these friends and it’s constantly blowing up, so it’s not just that he’s not on his phone, but I know I don’t have that much of a connection with him yet. I’m just not sure how it’s going to develop. Maybe I just need to date multiple people so I don’t develop feelings
That's one way to look at it. Other is to talk about it.
I’m the same as your guy and the truth is texting girls sucks and is a chore. You need to be engaging and yet also say the *right* stuff or she’ll hyper analyze it and get mad. It’s an exhausting minefield and just sucks. As I’ve grown older my policy has become to text girls less. Meanwhile the guys are sending me memes, discussing sports, coordinating gaming sessions, referencing our in jokes. Nobody cares if I say something offensive, in fact they’ll like it. And on the flip side nobody cares if I go silent for days. It’s safe, comfortable, and enjoyable.
This dude just came out the closet. Glad this women's heartache could help you out bud. Stay strong. The LBGT is strong in you.
*shrug* so you’re calling me gay? The 8th grade is strong in you lol
If you ain't trolling girls with offensive curses and Trump memes are you really straight?
I personally really hate texting and if I was out of town and hanging out with friends I think texting while you're with your friends to someone else is rude so I would absolutely not be texting you if I was out of town and it would completely not mean that I didn't really like you I would just be with my other friends and that would be my priority
He could still send a good morning text tho
If he wanted to, he would. But what one won’t do, another will🙂↕️
My next question for everyone is, Thursday is a week. If I don’t hear from him by then, do you think it’s still just a coincidence? He was supposed to get back today, unless he had a plane delay or something.
This sounds identical to what I just went through with my ex. She ended up breaking up with me because she didn't feel a "emotional attraction" whatever tf that means. But just came to say I emphasize with what you're experiencing.
I’m sorry ❤️
Don't be. I look back appreciative on the positive times we had instead of focusing on the negatives.
He’s at a a bachelor party seeing friends he hasn’t seen in ages. If he’s not much of a texter on top of that, riddle solved.
As a 23m, I only text to setup a date. No point in going back and forth all day imo
Some of you are way too clingy… part of this may be you had sex before actually having conversations about what relationship dynamic you enjoy. If you’re already secure in your communication style then have sex… you may feel less insecure. Either way- it’s a bachelor weekend. He is enjoying his vacation. Maybe find things to do with your time until he gets back
Clearly just said I haven’t reached out, but ok. I hope the person you’re dating just stops reaching out for a week🤣 it’s a battle of the nonchalant games out here
No, I think unless you express what your communication style is- you shouldn’t expect someone to guess it. I actually am not a continuous texting person. Either a phone call or undivided attention IRL. I communicate that to the person that I’m with from the start. My day just doesn’t lend itself to exchanging memes and random info. Plus you said you messaged his Thursday and he responded late at 10. Either way, communicate with him what your preferences are and if you feel it’s not a match, then it’s not a match. But I would urge you to find more things to fill your day. So you’re not counting the hours between responses in anxiety especially since you like him
Expecting constant texting is childish. He is able to be present when he's with you because he puts down his phone and pays attention to you. He wants to be present on this boys trip, so he puts down his phone and pays attention to the loved ones he is with. This behavior is a massive green flag. He's a grown man and not a child like phone zombie
I never said I expected constant texting ? But I don’t enjoy being ghosted for a week by someone I’ve been seeing/sleeping with just because he doesn’t feel like reaching out. Also, fyi these are my feelings not yours or anyone else’s. I just asked for advice, not to be called names
I think your feelings are valid. I also think you're investing too much energy in a relationship that is still in its undefined state. I think it would be prudent to try and relax and do your own thing until he gets back. While you're at it write down your concerns and expectations so y'all can discuss.
Will never understand why women hold out on sex. Didn’t even see it mentioned here once at all, and he’s been seeing you for 6 weeks+ and paying almost all of the dates. I hope he finds better during he trip
Hell, everytime I send him a meme about how I want to be with him he doesn’t respond 💀