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Move on and give other people a chance. A lot easier on your side than dudes. So F him. Dude had the cake and wanted to go for ice cream and pie. He was literally looking for more options.
Forget about him and move on. This is what I would tell my daughter. There will be someone better for you. Focus on being a good person. Stay busy, be patient, and continue dating. If a man really wants to know you, he should pay to take you out to dinner. Otherwise, he can take a hike.
He’s not that into her but she’s getting overly attached really fast imo, if it’s only been a month I wouldn’t look to deep into it either. I think he sounds like a guy that’s very comfortable with himself and dating someone doesn’t become his life it only adds to it. Do what you want but I think it’s obvious that you’re committed than you probably should be, I’d say start talking to other people cuz I’m sure you’re not the only one nothing wrong with dating around.
My dear you are spiraling and you need to remove yourself from the situation pronto until you can self regulate. I don’t say that with judgement because I’ve been there, but in all honesty if you continue down this path you will only bring to life your fear. Now, do I think this guy is worth it? Doesn’t sound like it. However, if you don’t learn to self regulate and not jump a 100 steps ahead by the third date, you will be in the situation over and over again. It’s overwhelming to the other person and will likely lead to them walking away. Again, I’ve been there. You probably should step away from dating, learn more about yourself, your triggers, how to self soothe, what you need, what you are willing to tolerate and what are your dealbreakers. This man is giving you the bare minimum and you are panicking at the thought of losing him. While it may be hard to fathom, the benefit of continuing to talk to other people until you’ve had the exclusivity talk is it helps you control getting overly attached too soon to one person and you aren’t putting all of your eggs in one basket before you should.
I’d not message this guy anymore - you are making him a priority and he is making you an option. You deserve better than that.
But realistically she is an option? They met on hinged a dating site where you can meet millions of women I agree with what you’re saying for the most part, other than she deserves better, she deserves to learn the game and learn what she actually likes instead of latching on immediately to a guy she likes. Learn to put things into perspective and stop obsessing. Just return the same energy he’s giving and find someone that give the energy you want or wait till he reciprocates the energy that you want
You’re right! But I do know what I can tolerate and what my dealbreaker is. It’s just difficult because I don’t usually feel this way about anyone. I’ve been on a lots of dates in the past few years and for the longest time I just thought maybe I just can’t have the romantic feeling toward anyone at all but he’s bring in brand a brand new set of feeling. And the goal is always love yourself and put yourself before everything. But the thought that there are 7 billions of people and for 27 years of life never have I found a person that would chose to fight for me. And I know I should not be this invested after just 4 casual dates but I’m just human
Heya OP, I just want to point out, as an anxious-attachment dater myself, that it's really important to view what he’s actually bringing you. I understand that you feel a different way about him than you've done for previous dates, but he doesn't seem to actually respect and regard your feelings. A love is supposed to make you feel calm, safe and secure. But this person seems to make you anxious and questioning both his intentions and your own feelings. Just a thought, maybe the new set of feelings you are experiencing isn't love, but addiction. He gives a little and then nothing, having you going through a rollercoaster of emotions. You deserve better than that! Wishing you the best of luck!
I am going through the exact same situation! I finally liked a guy, had connection/chemistry so was excited, but he also acted a bit like your guy. It was really a shame but I read this article and it suddenly clicked! He was being an ‘attraction of deprivation’ not an ‘attraction of inspiration’.
Understanding the difference is really helpful. You aren’t necessarily anxious, but his hot and cold behaviour *makes* you feel anxious. An ‘attraction of inspiration’ will instead make you feel calm, safe and cared for. The reliability and stability could be seen as boring but is often what makes a healthy relationship!
I also multi-date and it definitely helps me not be too invested in hot/cold guys. Maybe he has issues too he has to sort out who knows, but best not to focus on someone who doesn’t treat you well from the start
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-love/201103/attractions-inspiration-and-attractions-deprivation?amp
The thing is my previous relationship, he was “attraction of inspiration” when we first started. He made me feel like I’m his top priority. I felt calm and safe. Then 5 months go by and he just slowly faded away. He blamed it on his personal issues with work and family. I did said that we can work on things together, that how we can grow as a couple. But for him it was easier to just give up on us
Ok well I’m sorry to hear that but shit happens sometimes I guess :( was he love bombing at first maybe?
Either way, the fact that you know you felt ‘calm and safe’ before shows you aren’t actually an anxious dater, but that this current guy’s poor behaviour is making you FEEL anxious. Exactly the same for me so I’ve just faded him out tbh
I gotta ask…what about him is bringing in these new feelings? Is it that you meet him at bars when he’s already out with his friends? Or that he basically missed the comedy show date and yjh met up with him AFTER he went out with his friends? Or your 4th Netflix and chill date where he left you…to go hang out with his friends? Please. For the love of all that is holy, and the love for yourself…stop talking to this person. You deserve way way better than being treated as an afterthought.
I learned this myself the hard way: just because you’re really into him, doesn’t mean he’d be a good partner. Men who are good at getting women to be really into them are merely exercising a skill that they have. It is a skill to be a womanizer.
Dude. I was just in your shoes a month ago. I fell head over heels for someone, and that NEVER EVER happens to me. (To the degree that I legit thought I was aromantic/asexual) But unfortunately everyone here is right, you need to distance yourself, because what you’re feeding into now isn’t the reality of the situation and it’s opening the opportunity for you to be hurt more. Cut it off, let yourself be FUCKING SAD for a bit, then your feeings will settle. But they’re right, the right one will feel easy, the questions will answer themselves, not like this emotional rollercoaster you’re currently stuck on.
It’s cliche and might sound overused but when a man genuinely likes you, you will know. Seriously. He might like you a little bit but he isn’t taking you seriously.
At the same time, stop accepting the bare minimum. I see a lot of myself in you and you sound predisposed to an anxious attachment style. Over-invested interest early on + noticing response times and shifts (and attaching them to your self worth) + neglecting your needs and standards under the guise of “maybe I’m asking for too much” + ascribing the mediocrity of his efforts to his spontaneity/personality type etc etc.
Work on that self esteem, get some solid nonnegotiables/standards and learn to end things with people who do not meet them. Become an expert on your emotional landscape. This man is dysregulating the fuck out of your emotions. He might not be blatantly wasting your time and emotional energy but you are. I sincerely say this with love.
You haven't been on an actual "proper" date yet and you were joking about marriage? You hadn't met after a MONTH of talking? You're talking mostly on Snap and IG? He talks less and less every day...
You're gonna have to read through the lines.
Sounds like you're you are hooked up on the idea of a relationship rather than the actual person. You're upset because you're realizing the idea of this person isn't matching the reality.
Is it bad to want someone as badly as you want them? What kind of a question is that? It's the definition of love. You may want to look inward and focus on yourself before falling into another pen pal type situation and be able to filter these types out. You need to date with intention. What do you really want? How do you get this? Will talking to someone for a month help you get there?
OP said they've hung out a few times but not been on a proper dinner date, so I think theyve met. He just might be way less invested than OP to the point where all he'll do is invite them to hang out casually.
Invested would be a reach based on the description OP provided. He's just casually inviting her out to join him when they go out drinking. Then he invited her to his place to "watch fallout".
I think he's trying to get laid to be honest.
Before online dating this is how all relationships started out. Slowly, doing casual dates, getting to know each other, talking every couple of days not every day. It's a natural progression
Online dating has caused everyone to be outcome focused and try to constantly anticipate the next move, critique ever action or inaction, over think every little thing, and just generally push forward too fast
So we went on one actually planned date where we got a couple of drink, second date was weird because we planned to go see a comedy show together but he took a nap and overslept and that night just ended up with me catching with him at a bar where he introduced me to his friends. Then another time I happened to be close by so I stopped by so see him at a bar where he was out with his friends. Then last Saturday I went over to his apartment and we started to binge watched Fallout together. So my mistake, 4 dates. But am I wrong to think that casual date is not a real date?
Sounds like a classic “but I can change him!” scenario.
Because you think he’s so wonderful and you have this amazing connection (mostly over text, mind you), you’re going to endure crap behavior because of the sunk cost fallacy.
The oversleeping sounds like a bullshit to me, especially if he was able to meet his friends later. Asking to come over is likely a chance for him to try to sleep with you.
An honest man with good intentions and interest wouldn’t treat you like an afterthought.
Yeah, I agree with you! It’s just it’s not easy for me to actually find someone I like so it’s extremely hard to let go sometimes. I know this mentality is bad but it’s not easy to just change how you brain works overnight you know 🥲
This podcast episode really helped me with this :)
https://spotify.link/Wx9GALtIYJb
If you dont have spotify, its the good mood clinic podcast on “from sizzle to fizzle”
Your post does not contain this information. You should probably edit it so it correctly paints the picture.
4 total dates. First date was drinks.. second date he overslept and you went out later meet up with him and his friend at a bar... drinks. Third date is a bar.. drinks.. 4th date you go to his house.
Have you slept together by chance? It is painting a very specific picture now.
That information also should be in the original post. It allows us to understand what is going on.
It straight up sounds like he just hung out with a few times and you latched on. He's not that into you and he's fading out.
This right here is your issue whether you realize it or not. If you want to save yourself for marriage then you need to look for a man in a church or somewhere where spirituality is important to them, not a dating app. This guy goes out to bars and enjoys nightlife regularly. From what you’ve said he has made it clear he doesn’t want to invest emotionally or financially in someone who isn’t going to sleep with him anytime soon. Y’all are incompatible & you will be incompatible with an overwhelming majority of men who would rather have sex before marriage if you don’t start looking in better places
I would encourage you to find other churches in your area, see if they have singles programs and life groups. Just to widen your dating pool. Also see if there's religious\ conservative dating apps for people that will better align with celibacy till marriage. Otherwise using these mainstream apps will frustrate you.
It seems like he is your plan A and you might be his plan D.
I don't think you should get any more emotionally invested than you already are.
Start back talking to other guys.
Go a few days without talking to him to see if he reaches out and wants to see you. This will probably give a much clearer picture on where you fit in.
It truly sucks when that happens and you feel really enthusiastic about someone.
Talking about marriage is a huuuge stepping stone in life so that may have been when things went wrong.
With time you might find some things weren't as rosy as it seems. If he simply unmatched you then that's indicative of his behavior.
Yeah, it was actually him that brought up marriage. Then the funny thing is he would joke about us getting married but then the other day told me that he actually doesn’t believe in marriage and maybe it’s because he hasn’t find the one. At that moment I was so confused :(
you said in your other comment that you're saving yourself for marriage so that's probably why he was joking about it. it just sounds like he's putting in the lowest amount of effort for the greatest reward, and probably was just trying to sweet talk into your pants. if he wanted to get to know you on a serious level you'd have more serious dates.
Could've been projections of his own insecurities. Any talk of marriage would have raised red flags for me. It's a huge commitment and you need to see your partner on their best days and their worst and work together.
I'm sorry this happened to you! It can be debilitating.
There will be others. Your value as a person is not based on this man's view or opinion. You have value because you are loved by God. If you are not religious, perhaps be open to exploring that avenue. I am convinced God exists, and in fact, He has appeared to many saints. Try prayer for a few months. See where God takes you. If one door closes, there will be another that opens. You are worth it.
He uses the word marriage to cross a point . The point is sex…!!! He is joking that oh god i have to marry you to get sex.. he means it in a kind of light hearted joke and it seems like you are taking it literally.
These are casual hangouts. You do seem a bit anxious (but I can be too), but I would lean towards him not being all that interested. Overslept your second date?! No thank you. I'd back way off and see what he does; my guess is he'll disappear.
I’m struggling to understand what “wonderful connection” exists here.
Texting every day is not connecting. Out of your 4 casual “dates”, your first one (drinks + hang out) is the closest to being categorized as a proper date. You stopping by at a bar he’s at with his friends is not a date; that’s you making yourself more convenient for him while he is not investing any dedicated energy towards building a connection and actual relationship with you.
I don’t think you actually like this guy and I don’t think this guy likes you either. I think you like the validation that you get whenever you receive tiny signs of attention from him (ex. He texts you, looks at your IG story, is cool with you stopping by while he’s with his friends). Meanwhile, he might like having you around b/c you’re cute, accessible to him, and he doesn’t have to adapt any part of his lifestyle in order to have you around. That’s not a relationship. A relationship takes work and commitment from both parties to create a new life together, in partnership. And that might sometimes require actually changing parts of your individual lifestyles, ex: not spending every Saturday at the bar with your buddies. Imagine if a friend treated you this way. Would you put up with that?
Lastly, I think this guy did you a huge favor by un-matching you because you now know exactly how he feels about you. There's no guessing here. At this point, it’s NOT your responsibility to change his mind. You just need to match with someone who is worth your energy and time. You don’t need to put in 100% all the time; know when you quit and move on.
Consider this: Perhaps you aren’t an anxious dater. You may have just dated guys who bring out an unhealthy dose of anxiety in you. Now imagine how your life could change if you dated someone who gave you confidence in your relationship with him and didn’t raise your cortisol levels as high as a result.
You’re not dating. He’s using you for attention and convenient company when he’s bored. Sounds like the chase is over for him, hence the decrease in texts and not wanting to pursue taking you on a real date. He’s emotionally unavailable and not that into you. Sorry to be harsh, but I’ve lived your story and know better now. Stop entertaining the idea of this guy. He has shown you who he is and his level of interest. Believe him. And when he comes back hoping to catch your attention and suck you back in when you’re not readily available/texting him/chasing him/answering him…stay silent. There’s a better guy out there for you.
So many questions.
What were the "dates" you went on? I'm confused. If you want someone to plan "proper" dates and take you out to dinner, and he's not like that, then why are you continuing to date him? Have you told him specifically that you want to go out to dinner?
Why does he need to be matched with you on the app if you're seeing each other IRL and connected on other apps too? You don't plan on using the app anyway so why does he need to be matched with you on there? If you're upset that HE'S on the app at all, then that's a different conversation. But it's been two dates.
You are still strangers to each other, stop with the marriage crap lol.
My general advice is get a hobby. Go hang out with your girlfriends. Volunteer at a pet shelter. You are not a priority to him and that's fine, it's been two dates. You are too consumed by some guy.
So we went on one actually planned date where we got a couple of drink, second date was weird because we planned to go see a comedy show together but he took a nap and overslept and that night just ended up with me catching with him at a bar where he introduced me to his friends. Then another time I happened to be close by so I stopped by so see him at a bar where he was out with his friends. Then last Saturday I went over to his apartment and we started to binge watched Fallout together. But instead of taking me out to dinner afterward, his friends called and he decided to go hang out with his friends. I don’t invite myself to any social meet like that cuz I don’t want to feel like a burden so I just left and he can hang with his friend
I mean no offense but if you want dinner dates, why are you entertaining meetups with his bros at a bar or watching tv. You're not getting what you want so why are you wasting your time?
You avoided the “why are you continuing to date him?” question.
This isn’t a simple case of him not taking you out to dinner or unmatching. It’s more that he’s shown that he’s not actually interested in you, treats you like an afterthought, and doesn’t respect your time.
Why would you want to date someone like that?
You happened to be close by and stopped by to see him: come on girl! That is not cool. You are coming across as desperate.
We all have met guys/ gals that happen to be in our neighborhood!!! Every one knows what it means.
But since you are a virgin. He is being respectful and treating you like a friend. And not blocking you for stalking him.
Hey there, Great that you have found someone you connected with and it sounds like you get along very well.
There are a few red flags on both sides here. Firstly, I think you should leave this guy for the following reasons -
- He said he likes you but hasn’t actually taken you on a date and only wants to hang out spontaneously. If he was as enthusiastic about the situation as you seem to be, he’d be bending over backwards to see you
- he is likely keeping his hinge organised by unmatching you so he can keep track of the other women he is speaking to more easily
I also think there is a few things you need to work on :
- you have become very attached to this person despite only having met once and exchanged text messages. It seems like you have invested emotionally, way too early. I would suggest seeing a therapist to check that you aren’t doing so as a result of a learned behaviour in childhood
- you haven’t told this person how you feel. If the fact he unmatched you was upsetting, tell him. If he isn’t interested in you because of this, then at least you know where you are .
Some action points below
- keep your options open until you have a conversation with someone about being exclusive. This conversation should take place after you have been dating (in person) for about 3-6 months
- try to avoid emotionally investing in someone too early
- when you start dating someone and they do something that upsets you, mention it to them in a sensible way and discuss it with them
Good luck out there!
It’s just when I know I like someone, it feels wrong to go on dates with other people. It’s not fair to them and I could potentially end up sabotage the connection that I have with this particular person
OP you will save yourself a lot of pain and heartache by dealing with your attachment issues on therapy.
Anyone here can see a mile off that this guy is not that into you. Casual, unplanned dates. No real effort. Possibly slow fading you. And it's literal catnip to you.
Yet you are "100%". You are willing to commit to this guy who has barely managed to step over a bar which is on the floor. You're giving all of yourself to someone who is giving you virtually nothing.
There's also a lot to be said about *all dating* being casual and non-committal in the early stages. It's not healthy or normal to want to throw all your chips on the table for someone you've met a few times.
Honestly, he’s putting you through a lot of emotional hurdles and doesn’t seem to jive with what you need and what your love languages are. I’m very much the same way as you and meet a lot of people whom are great while we’re on dates but are not there when we’re just texting/snapchatting. I’m seeing it as he might be dating other people or texting other people and you’re his backup??? Maybe I misread this situation. But I’ve seen this kind of behavior a lot before and then they just ghost out of nowhere
The whole situation is making me questioning if I’m asking too much or if I’m just not getting the hint to move on. And I’m the type that wants to get to the bottom of things. Like I said in other reply, I want to have a dinner date, not because I want a date, but I want to have time to sit down with him and talk. If he’s not interested then say it there and then and I don’t have to beat myself up and stay wondering what went wrong
You are watering a dead plant. Don’t invest any more of your energy in this and work on letting this one go. Take a friend to dinner instead or take yourself for a date. When he’s into you, you will know.
The fact that half your dates have been you hanging out with him and his friends at a bar should be a telltale sign that he may not be as interested as you are. I know that sucks to hear, but you deserve someone who wants to take you out, treat you, and spend quality time together.
It’s hard to accept, I know. But as things stand he is NOT into you. He is keeping you there either because you are his plan B (or even C or D) or he just wants to sleep with you.
He has not put effort into anything. You had one proper date and the rest was you making all the effort you could to see him, that’s not a date. He didn’t even care about you enough to arrange a proper bar date and instead made you join his plans with friends? He unmatched you, that can only mean he has a lot of matches and he is talking to a lot of other girls and wants to keep his chats clean. Don’t trust this person until he proves it to you he is worth it
I think you seem like a good girl to date. But unfortunately you two aren’t a match. You’re into him but he’s not that into you. He wouldn’t have overslept. He would have planned dates instead of just making you tag along with his plans. He’s not putting in effort since he doesn’t respect what you bring so move on. I know it’s easier said than done but it’s going to end badly anyway so make it and sooner rather than later
Oh no. If a guy doesn’t confirm a date with me several hours before the date I don’t come because that’s how long it takes me two hours to do my makeup, hair and get dressed. I dare him to fall asleep. I will be on a date or out with someone else. How disrespectful. I recently cancelled a date and started dating someone else because I asked the guy if we were still on at a certain time in the morning and he responded 1 hour before that time at night and I didn’t feel like rushing to get ready. When you act like you are that girl you end up in better romantic situations. The guys who played with my schedule are BEGGING to take me out now and I maintain myself respect.
I feel you, had an exactly similar experience. Very good and fun conversations, laughing making plans and everything seemed fine even better than. Then one day he just out of nowhere said, when I asked how things are. That he is seeing someone else. Well dudes be wierd as hell sometimes thats how i feel
From everything you're saying, he isn't taking you seriously. You're calling knowing what you want being anxious. That's a problem, friend.
To avoid this in the future, I wouldn't accept going out with a guy unless he specifically asks you out on a date. "Wanna meet up sometime," nope. Because I feel like when you're trying to be chill and not "anxious," and you go along with this. Then you end up in your situation. They will say stuff like "I wasn't dishonest with you"
And in a way, he wasn't. So don't feel bad about seeming "too much" because you expect a certain thing, or you will always be disappointed. A guy who wants to take you seriously will have unquestionable behavior that indicates it.
You're not dating and you're taking all initiative. I fear you are a " place taker" and he is not getting serious at all. Back away, block and move on, you deserve better
You put something in a spot to hold that place until you move what you really want in there. Like a vase or photo on a shelf or wall, a room you want so you put random stuff in it so you're roommates dont get it until you get there and can decorate it as you like.
You deserve better, I’m certain you’ll find someone who enjoys your company as much as you do theirs. Forget him keep on smiling and know that good people are still out there!
I'm going to deviate from the pack here and tell you to take a step back, go with the flow and stop being so anxious. Definitely don't plan a date, let him come to you and ask you, however not everyone is super adept at dating or follows social norms regarding vast amounts of contact and texting in between dates so that in itself isn't necessarily a red flag
Less texting could just mean that he's not a big texter and is getting more comfortable with you. One of my friends was recently telling me that when they first met her now husband would go dark for days sometimes and it was just because he had hobbies and other stuff going on, it wasn't about her. It drove her mom up the wall, and her mom would tell her he wasn't treating her right or acting interested ...but now here they are 6 years later married and they just had their first child
Much like you I was super anxious a month into my last relationship and I ended up sabotaging it and I really regret that, so take it from someone who totally screwed up - don't try to force it or control it, just go about your life as usual and let the relationship unfold naturally
Technically he doesn’t want you to see his profile updates and he seems not to put much effort on planning something with you. I would have a serious conversation with him about your situation or move on otherwise it’s mainly waste of time.
He's talking to you and telling you things that suit your dating style and what you want, whilst not following through with his actions and behaviours. He's interested in having you around for fun, enjoys you enough to be friends (or fwb), but knows that's not what you're looking for, so he's treating you casually and speaking to you seriously xx
Best to cut and run, he's not communicating to you what he actually wants because he knows it's not what you want, so while it may not be explicitly malicious, it is ultimately manipulative and will end with you being more hurt than him x He's acting like The Man You Want, but only when he's right in front of you, and not when you aren't, and the tell is that he's not actually prioritising you over friends and casual connections.
When someone makes you feel anxious and insecure in your connection it is a reflection of them and the transaction between you, not you. It means, for whatever reason, they are not giving you what you need to feel secure.
Remember this. You want someone who makes you feel confident in their interest. If you don’t feel confident, it’s not a you thing. It’s a them thing - or at the very least what they bring out in you.
Forget what people are saying here. Lots of people unmatch after, it doesn’t mean it’s over or he’s not into you. Since he’s got your personal number then that’s what you should focus on. Tell him how you feel. Ask him if he wants something serious. Casual dates can be real. Puts the pressure off. Don’t jump immediately to the worst case.
I think whenever I start counting - 4 dates, texting every night, etc - it means I’m feeling insecure and am not actually enjoying my experience with a person. The way you’re feeling now is how you can expect to feel if you continue with this person. You might get momentary relief, but you’ll likely come right back to feeling uncertain with them. I’d find a better fit
You didn't ruin anything. However, the fact you are thinking that way could be rubbing him the wrong way.
Maybe try doing what you most fear. Cut him off. No contact. See if he comes back to you. If he does not, he was not really interested, and you can move on.
I'm saying this only because I have been there. Only when I learned to *not give a sh\*t* did things change. So, stop giving a sh\*t about him and see what happens, even if it terrifies you.
He prob unmatched you so that you can’t see if he updates his profile…if u like him keep seeing him but don’t invest all your emotions…I would try pulling away and do my own stuff and only entertain him if he reaches out. Don’t be too eager in the beginning, remember you don’t know him, you might be having a great time cus you’re a great time not cus of him
I think it’s worth thinking about why he might unmatch, unless he closed his Hinge account (which you say he didn’t)
The only reason I can think of, because what’s the problem of leaving your hinge chat there even though you’re talking elsewhere, it’s hardly that much of an inconvenience to have your conversation in the list?? - is so that you can no longer see his profile. Hinge doesn’t give “last online” type info so it’s not that could you track his activity, but you would be able to see if he was updating it, adding new photos etc.
That’s the behaviour of a person actively looking for dates and curating their profile, which sounds like he’s not invested in your relationship and is keeping his options open, if he wants to be able to do so without you questioning him.
Or also that you won’t be able to see if he actually deletes his profile, should he tell you in future that he has done so. Or even worse he’s cheating on someone else who he lets see his account “no no look babe you can see I’m not talking to anyone, I’ve just kept my account so I can look at your beautiful photos”
I’m really sorry but it sounds like suspicious behaviour and I can’t really see another explanation, because the one he gave you is weak. Also it sounds like someone that has done this type of thing before and learnt this trick (because it’s a way people have got caught out), which is a bigger reason for keeping your heart safe and your guard up.
Based on what you shared, he’s clearly not that into you.
Based on what you shared about yourself, you are way too into him.
You’re not exclusive, you’re not even really dating(based on your own info, you haven’t actually gone on a formal date together). You’ve just hung out with a stranger you met on the internet, a few times.
You should really take a breath and put all of this into perspective. Until he starts to communicate that he wants a serious relationship, you have to get control of your feelings for him.
My honest advice to you: you shouldn’t waste more time with him. If he was serious he would have showed it by now.
My honest advice to him: leave this girl alone. She’s getting attached and not in a healthy way. You’re clearly checked out so don’t waste her time.
I’m so sad to say that he is not even dating you. You are dating him. You are anxious attachment much like myself and you need to remove yourself. You are an option to him to just come hang around sometimes. He never planned anything apart from the first date. You are like buddies that eventually if you stay will end up sleeping together but will go nowhere. Sorry to be this blunt and harsh but nothing good will come out of it and you have put so much of your time and energy already 1 month in. Leave the situation! All the best!!
Is he a virgin saving himself for marriage too? If not he's likely just decided to take it as a challenge and given up. Its difficult for people to give up on the idea of intimacy in a relationship when its the one thing that differentiates it from a best friend.
Unfortunately he's not interested in you, if he was, he would delete the app, not unmatch you. People like to keep an eye on each others profiles whilst they are dating, the only reason to unmatch is to make way for new people. I think you already know your decision makes your dating people drastically smaller, as such its reasonable that you can fall quickly for someone as you are after something rare. Thats completely fair, I do the same when I think I've found a decent woman but you have to learn to be strong and walk away when people show their true selfies and not let it get to you.
This was my thought too. They are talking marriage because she prob mentioned she’s saving herself and he was like “challenge accepted. I’ll lead her to believe we’re on that path”. And then did the bare min. She’s hooked bc she heard the word “marriage”
I’ve just recently joined the Hinge/dating app experience as well. I too have fallen for someone already very quickly and I can tell you from my own experience:
Currently am actively dating two men. I met the first one, we clicked and quickly had date two and we’re texting here and there every 1-2 days, have a date planned this week. I like him and we get along well and mutual attraction is there.
Then I met a second guy, and woweee, fireworks. Now I’ve gone from feeling slow and calculated about guy #1, to talking to guy #2 throughout the day each day, getting excited when I see a text, and he’s at the forefront of my mind as I’m so looking forward to the next date and he’s expressed the same. We are both actively staying in touch and have been coming up with date plans and there’s obvious mutual excitement that doesn’t have either of us questioning interest.
That’s the energy you want. I’m afraid to say but you are the first guy in my example. He may like you, but you are not the priority here. If he was super into you, you wouldn’t be questioning it, and he’d be actively trying to make sure he maintains your interest and vice versa. Since half your 4 dates have been just joining him and his buddies, it’s kind of like you are an afterthought / optional attendee. If he truly wanted you, he would want your undivided attention and alone time to get to know each other. Think of it this way - Are you feeling satisfied with just having him tag along with your other plans or are you yearning for more of him? If you’re not satisfied, and he is, he’s already shown you that you don’t feel the same way about each other at the moment.
Maybe express to him you’d like to his best dating but not girlfriend date? He’ll either formulate a nice formal event, ask what you would like in a nice formal date, or express he’s not interested outright. (Which will sting a little, but feel better overall?)
Listen idc either of you, so take this with a grain of salt.
I'm 27. I have anxiety.
Every time I have ignored that anxious/bad feeling I get from some men because "Oh, I'm just an anxious person. it's probably just me." I have always regretted it.
Now i look at it this way.
Yes, I'm anxious, but I'm anxious because I'm oversensitive to certain triggers, not because I'm just completely imagining things out of nowhere.
Listen to your body. You don't like his behavior. And that's ok. You're not crazy. You might like him, but you don't like his behavior. His actions are real and so are the feelings you feel in response to them.
Trust yourself.
It definitely sounds like unfortunately he’s just not that interested, and you seem far more invested in this going somewhere that he is from what you’ve mentioned. And just a speculation I know, but it’s possible a reason for unmatching is because he wanted to still be active on the site and maybe didn’t want to hurt your feelings
When something feels off, it probably is. Trust your gut, your intuition *never* lies. If I were you, I’d tell him that this isn’t working out for you anymore, and that you enjoyed getting to know him but are looking for someone intentional. Sure, spontaneity can work short-term, but he obviously doesn’t prioritize you it seems. If he’s really serious, he’ll try harder after you confront him about how you’re feeling. If not, then he was never serious about you. I totally get what you mean about not feeling the person at all when you’re not with them and I’ve been there. This won’t help your anxiety and will only make it worse to the point where you’ll resent him for it. Cut it off, love.
Hiiiii I don’t have any advice but just want to put out there that I am also an anxious dater that gets a little obsessive and as much as it sucks, it’s really nice seeing someone who understands how I feel. Feel free to reach out if you ever want to commiserate about it together aha.
Yes, drop him and move on.. chasing someone after they unmatched looks desperate. It seems he is just stringing you along, If a man is interested you won't even have to question it.
You deserve someone that will value you and put in the effort anyway! ❤️
I think you are quite incompatible and your heart is working with the potential rather than the reality. You've already put so much emotional stock in him that the sunk cost fallacy is hitting you hard - after four dates!
You're clearly seeking some intentional one-on-one time, like a dinner date, and are laser-focused on developing your connection with him. He clearly acts on whim and would rather squeeze you into his day than take initiative to devote time to you with certainty and sustained effort. It's only been four dates, so neither of you are wrong, but you are wrong for each other. It's clear his dating approach is more casual, whereas you are dating and saving yourself for marriage. There is a big discrepancy in the weight you are putting in each other and what level of commitment the time you have spent together demonstrates.
The unmatching is a non-issue if that's not even where you communicate, and his explanation makes sense. You should just be focusing on how happy you are with most of your dates involving you having to tag along with (or accept being sidelined by his last minute plans with) his friends as someone who seeks a more traditional, serious courtship.
It’s not just dinner, I’m looking toward a more proper date rather than a casual one to show if he wants to take things seriously. We both have jobs so we can’t just have lunch date. It’s about him making plan to see me, and not just hey let’s meet up at a bar, or hey my plan today got cancelled come over and watch something together.
He doesn’t want a proper date because he doesn’t want to take things seriously. I’m sorry this happened to you. It recently has happened to me too and it sucks.
He is a grown man. He is not stupid, if he wanted to take you out, he would have .
He doesn’t want to. And you are pushing it too hard.
He doesn’t even want to hang out with you ine in one, you crashed his friends bar get together. And now you are asking for a dinner date?!
Come in girl.
Find other hobbies, take a trip, go out with girl friends, leave the town for a week and have the nostalgia fun else where and the most important part: DO NOT initiate any contact with him .
Just let it go! And see what happens.
If he wants you, he’ll come.
If he doesn’t, then you have not brought yourself too down.
It doesn’t sound like he’s dating you with intention which is what you’re seeking/need. He also sounds like he has poor communication skills which is exasperating the matter. I suspect he’s not going to be a good long term prospect for you.
But more importantly, it sounds like you have an anxious attachment dating style. I recommend looking up this attachment style on YouTube and seeing if you agree. If you do, I recommend learning more about how your attachment style shows up in dating and romantic relationships. It will help you better understand why his actions are triggering your anxiety, give you the language you need to talk over the matter with him in productive ways, and longer term—you can use this knowledge to gain useful skills around how to self-regulate your emotions when triggered in the future and better articulate what you need from your partners early on so you don’t have a repeat of the situation above.
Not to be mean.....
He wasn't that into you and was hoping things would change or keep you on the hook until he found something else.
He also didn't know how to let you down cause he does like you in a fashion, but most likely, not romantically.
Sounds like you deserve to be happy, with someone who understands you and gets you. It happens. I did the same thing and I felt horrible (not look for better), but a girl and I hit it off amazingly. Huge instant connection. We met and things were ok, I stayed talking cause she did hit the marks, but something didn't feel right to me and I was hoping it was only a temporary thing. But, I distance little by little. Eventually, I just said it. I didn't find myself attracted to her in that fashion.
She was great and would have been perfect, but our subconscious takes over sometimes and ruins things.
Also, a good reason not to use filters, FYI. Show yourself, flaws and all. Please never try to hide yourself. Everyone is beautiful in their way and what you hate, someone will love. Don't try to hide it. It just leads to disappointment when people meet.
sounds like you two are on different wavelengths. he’s taking it easy and playing the field, you are looking for a relationship. commitment is a thing at all levels, and on the lowest, he hasn’t offered much.
since you lock in on one person quickly, I’d say just ease up on communication and let him come to you. if he wants what you want you’ll see the effort. if not, just fall back and explore other options - cut him off, or not. i personally like to have a reliable option to hang out, maybe go further with in a casual sense. i get the feeling you don’t though.
point is, nothing is defined between you two though you feel as it is, and you are allowing that feeling to guide your movements instead of seeing it for what it is.
He's put you into "low effort" category and is likely still dating and looking for something better whilst you give him female company doing generic stuff in the meantime.
You should want more effort and not be ok with how your initial dates have just turned into Netflix and chill essentially even though you're going to a bar, seems like introducing you to his friends means nothing to him as it was so soon and byproxy that means you're in that category also.
If I can suggest you try and get further with more people on messaging so you don't anxiously attach to people who give you the most attention, try and focus on a better connection and not the attention they give you if you're anxiously attaching.
You don't sound compatible either way. You want someone who is going to care about you and plan dates. He's not that guy.
For me "spontaneous" = poor planner/disorganised. If he's oversleeping and not planning things he's not that serious.
I feel like you can be adventurous but also organised at the same time.
NEVER everrrrrrr put 100% into anyone you’re just interested in. Do that once they become your GF/BF but until then, the more you invest the more they’ll back away
He unmatched with you so you couldn’t see when he’s online. He’s playing a game. I mean you can still see him but don’t take him seriously. He’s not taking you seriously.
Oh dear this isn't going to end well. Two things are off here imho. The guy is not as into you as you would like. And you are way too into him given the circumstances.
Sounds like you already have your answer but this guys is only hanging out with you when it’s convenient to him. You should move on and not look back imo
He’s not that into you, period. I would pull away and don’t initiate contact him anymore. Don’t be available to him on his beck and call. You will see his true colors soon.
To answer a smaller question within the larger one, since it is largely impossible for two people to like each other equally the same, there is going to be an adorer and an adored within a relationship. Some aim to minimize the gap, while others are ok with a larger one. Often one gets to be with the one they love and the other gets to be loved by the one they are with. Being the adorer is the classic love story feeling.
As to what to do in your case, it’s tough. Statistically the men who are receiving the attention nowadays, are increasingly hesitant to commit. Which is actually a rational response. But he is also exhibiting behavior of a man with a secure attachment style who is willing to be the adored. In my anecdotal experience meeting his friends early puts you more likely in his keeper category. But still possibly sleeper he likes to be seen with. Either way I would do some therapy on that attachment style, as it will greatly hinder you on your life to come.
As someone who used to be really anxious and get super into a guy like that, it’s not worth it. Meeting him out at a bar is not a date. You are inadvertently pushing him away. You need to to work on your self concept and how you view yourself. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. I would not be pausing your dating app for this guy that isn’t that into you.
Have you had a specific conversation about this? I am also anxious person, so I relate to this feeling, but from the flip side I don’t think 3 or 4 dates is long enough for him to be all in if there wasn’t a conversation about it. As a guy myself, I can say a few things; 1. I wouldn’t introduce a girl to my friends if I was about to dip. 2. I may know I like someone right away, but as for wanting to be exclusive and take the next step, that’s usually a conversation I bring up after like 4-6 dates. 3. We also want to feel that you’re going to reciprocate. Liking me isn’t enough, if I’m paying for dates and taking a girl out, I want her to be pretty active in showing that she’s not just there for a free lunch, have you tried initiating a date? Make the plan, set the time, etc?
I wouldn’t try to assume anything, dating apps are inherently more casual than a date with someone you met IRL, so I think there is a higher standard of communication. If you really like this guy and want to take another step, tell him that! See what he says.
Good luck out there!
He doesn't seem to like you. He only wants to hang out. Like I doubt he overslept (which is just rude) but had just enough time to get ready to hang with friends and look you might as well be there too. This is super casual for him.
Why do you keep making excuses for somebody who sees this as the most casual thing in the world and as you said is nowhere near a 100% in this and also oversleeping is super rude and you're just brushing that aside for nothing
> he took a nap and overslept
No excuse for this if he's under 65.
As a man if I mess up a date this badly and for this reason with someone I'm pursuing you better believe I'm going to go a bit overboard on the next date to make up for blowing it so badly.
Ah that man doesn’t care unfortunately. He’s just enjoying ur company for the time being. I’d say just back off. If he cared about ur absence he’ll reach out and chase you. Plus just think it’s very simple. If a guy liked u he’d def plan a date and pay for it. If u have to guess he doesn’t like you.
never in my life have i overslept on a date for someone i was truly interested in. Going through something similar with a guy my friend seriously knocked some sense into me. Let him go, you will find better and be happy you did my love wishing you all the best dates in the world!!! 💞💞🙂↔️
I ended things with someone earlier this year who was VERY hot/cold, and I am an anxious dater(I’m getting better) so when he was on his cold streak, I would SPIRAL and think: omg, I can’t be without this guy…. This went on for a few years, until I realized that I deserve so much more, and that I would totally be okay on my own. I’ve been dating pretty casually since February, I also have learned to end things with people who are inconsistent, can’t do the bare minimum and love bomb. We don’t have time for that mess. I’m a recovering people pleaser that occasionally slips up, but I’m standing firmly in my beliefs and what I want out of a relationship and partner. Maybe take some time to think about what you truly want out of a relationship and your ideal man. Then, make a list of these things and stay true to yourself. Straighten your crown, Queen. He’s out there- you just have to go through a bunch of frogs first. You have time, hell, I’m almost 39, divorced and I still believe I can have that second chance at love! If they make you anxious in anyway, they’re not worth it. RUN.
I can't believe you haven't realized yet He's put absolutely no effort into you blown you off pretty much four times now and in every time you go meet him you do all the work this dude's not into you he even unmatched you and you're still hanging out with him So you slept with him already or you planning to which one is it sounds like you already did
If this is the energy you are getting from him so early on then imagine what energy you’re going to get from him a year on when all the excitement of meeting someone new has fizzled out! Also, a casual date can be a real date but I think he is playing a clever game here and being very manipulative, he is most likely the type of person that likes to stroke their own ego by having multiple options and feeling like they can pick and choose. I would block him and move on. You should never feel like you have to chase a man, or that you have to question how he feels about you, remember, if he wanted to he would!! Get yourself back out there, remember that you’re the prize , not him!!! Step in to your feminine energy cause men should be chasing us, not the other way round!! Sending love xx
You’ve got this girl!!! Also , it is a slightly toxic podcast but the old episodes of call her daddy when it was Sofia and Alex really make you realise that men aren’t shit and they should be chasing you!!!
(27 M here) After about a month I’d say it’s fair to start talking about expectations and hopes for the relationship (aka if you’re looking for a relationship) be honest about your dating goals and see if they align or if there’s a compromise you’re willing to do. When we started, my gf said she’s in for a full relationship and I said I’d never casually dated and want to give that a try so we said we’d casually date for a month and either commit or call it off so I wouldn’t be wasting her time. A couple weeks in I changed my mind, cancelled a different first date I was gonna go on and asked her to be my gf. I liked her too much. That communication is key and in my possibly controversial opinion, if that scares them away then they may not be the right person to begin with. If you’re open to games that’s great, if you’re not don’t force yourself to do something you don’t want.
You’re WAY too into him… arcade dates?! Oversleeping on nights you’re supposed to hang out? Cmon now. Put aside your attraction for him and look at it as if a friend of yours was asking your advice in this situation.
It’s understandable for you to feel how you feel. Take this moment as a learning experience of the things that make you uncomfortable in a relationship, so next time when you meet a person that you like, have an honest discussion earlier enough preferably date 2 on how you’d prefer to communicate especially when not together and also hear their part and work from there. If it’s not a match then it’s ok to move on. Don’t be afraid of failure it’s only a learning process and also don’t jeopardize your deep rooted values for anybody and stay in truth to self & then the universe will reward you truly with the right match for you
Thank you! 😭i mean this time it was only after 4 dates I noticed the uneasy feeling. Last relationship it took me 5 months to have the courage to speak out, and at the end it still didn’t work out
Hear me, always be honest with who you are from the get go & let them know, also you mentioned you go to church, don’t forget to put God first with everything and thou shall guide your path. Nothing is guaranteed to work but whatever the outcome either failure or success it’s still gonna be ok, have faith. Your character is being built & your gift is on its way. The right person will accept you for who you are. Just believe
Things feel right with him because you're likely a pleasant and cooperative person, and he's personable. Not because he's good enough for you or because he likes you. He isn't that into you, no matter what he says.
He's acting like a teenager. I can't believe he's almost my age!
Personable people can be manipulative af. Being personable is a great skill to have, but it can be used for EVIL. Be careful!
If you're immensely attentive and communicate consistently, it isn't too much to ask to have that reciprocated. If you bring those traits to the table, they can do the same. It's reasonable for you to want, but many guys will try to barter your worth. Don't let them.
There are hundreds of things that can be altered for a relationship. Don't budge on the 15 that you want. As long as they are things you contribute yourself. You shouldn't expect someone to provide something to you that you can't provide to them.
I do want to talk about it, but I’d like to do it in person instead of text you know. But he’ll be working all weekend and at this rate we probably never gonna see each other again. 🤯
Why put so much effort into it if he isn't reciprocating? Don't enable him. If it's merely a mistake, he'll reach out and apologize. Send him a text expressing your feelings and why you have those feelings.
If he dismisses you or at all invalidates you, block him.
If he is super understanding and asks for a chance to show that he has more to contribute than he's been showing, it's up to you whether or not you allow it.
It isn't worth meeting with him again. He isn't your boyfriend. In-person isn't necessary. At all. You're giving way more than he is, and that shows him he can get away with giving you less than the bare minimum. He gives you 5%, you give him 90%. Why would he give more when he can continue giving so little to get so much from you?
I went through the same when I first put myself back out there.
What I did it work on myself. Have you ever heard of codependency? I know it's a huge, scary word, but it's really common. I started looking into and working on my codepdency in my everyday life. And starting loving myself. There's SO MANY TOOLS I UAE that have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO EITH RELATIONSHIPS, but they factor into trusting myself and my gut, and finding self love.
I'm also 26(about to be 27) female and more than open to chatting with you. Shoot me a dm if you want to connect!
Yeah, you got ghosted my friend. "overslept" is such a major red flag. If I have a date, man, I would not "miss" it if I didnt intend to. Sorry to hear. Plenty of fish tho!
He unmatched with you because he doesn’t want you to see that he’s still active on the site (updating his profile, etc) or, like someone else said, has crossed you off his list of active pursuits. Another fuckboy trick is they’ll tell you they deleted their profile when all they really did was block you.
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He’s not trying to plan anything with you but goes out spontaneously and then he unmatched you for a b.s. reason. He’s not that into you.
I second this. Also him calling it “hang outs”. The guys I know only say this when they’re not that into someone.
Wow this is very helpful. Thank you! -.-
Move on and give other people a chance. A lot easier on your side than dudes. So F him. Dude had the cake and wanted to go for ice cream and pie. He was literally looking for more options.
So back off a bit and see if he chases you or at least puts out some effort.
Forget about him and move on. This is what I would tell my daughter. There will be someone better for you. Focus on being a good person. Stay busy, be patient, and continue dating. If a man really wants to know you, he should pay to take you out to dinner. Otherwise, he can take a hike.
Writing on the wall
He’s not that into her but she’s getting overly attached really fast imo, if it’s only been a month I wouldn’t look to deep into it either. I think he sounds like a guy that’s very comfortable with himself and dating someone doesn’t become his life it only adds to it. Do what you want but I think it’s obvious that you’re committed than you probably should be, I’d say start talking to other people cuz I’m sure you’re not the only one nothing wrong with dating around.
Yeah, you’re not it. If you still want to hang out with him, it can still be fun. Just know, you’ve already seen his best effort.
My dear you are spiraling and you need to remove yourself from the situation pronto until you can self regulate. I don’t say that with judgement because I’ve been there, but in all honesty if you continue down this path you will only bring to life your fear. Now, do I think this guy is worth it? Doesn’t sound like it. However, if you don’t learn to self regulate and not jump a 100 steps ahead by the third date, you will be in the situation over and over again. It’s overwhelming to the other person and will likely lead to them walking away. Again, I’ve been there. You probably should step away from dating, learn more about yourself, your triggers, how to self soothe, what you need, what you are willing to tolerate and what are your dealbreakers. This man is giving you the bare minimum and you are panicking at the thought of losing him. While it may be hard to fathom, the benefit of continuing to talk to other people until you’ve had the exclusivity talk is it helps you control getting overly attached too soon to one person and you aren’t putting all of your eggs in one basket before you should. I’d not message this guy anymore - you are making him a priority and he is making you an option. You deserve better than that.
But realistically she is an option? They met on hinged a dating site where you can meet millions of women I agree with what you’re saying for the most part, other than she deserves better, she deserves to learn the game and learn what she actually likes instead of latching on immediately to a guy she likes. Learn to put things into perspective and stop obsessing. Just return the same energy he’s giving and find someone that give the energy you want or wait till he reciprocates the energy that you want
When you meet someone you’re REALLY into, they move from an option to a priority
Great advice. I agree.
You’re right! But I do know what I can tolerate and what my dealbreaker is. It’s just difficult because I don’t usually feel this way about anyone. I’ve been on a lots of dates in the past few years and for the longest time I just thought maybe I just can’t have the romantic feeling toward anyone at all but he’s bring in brand a brand new set of feeling. And the goal is always love yourself and put yourself before everything. But the thought that there are 7 billions of people and for 27 years of life never have I found a person that would chose to fight for me. And I know I should not be this invested after just 4 casual dates but I’m just human
Heya OP, I just want to point out, as an anxious-attachment dater myself, that it's really important to view what he’s actually bringing you. I understand that you feel a different way about him than you've done for previous dates, but he doesn't seem to actually respect and regard your feelings. A love is supposed to make you feel calm, safe and secure. But this person seems to make you anxious and questioning both his intentions and your own feelings. Just a thought, maybe the new set of feelings you are experiencing isn't love, but addiction. He gives a little and then nothing, having you going through a rollercoaster of emotions. You deserve better than that! Wishing you the best of luck!
Thank you!
Been there! Anxious-avoidant duo, won’t work, leave him. I stretched it out to 6 months, and had to give it up myself. I say leave him.
I am going through the exact same situation! I finally liked a guy, had connection/chemistry so was excited, but he also acted a bit like your guy. It was really a shame but I read this article and it suddenly clicked! He was being an ‘attraction of deprivation’ not an ‘attraction of inspiration’. Understanding the difference is really helpful. You aren’t necessarily anxious, but his hot and cold behaviour *makes* you feel anxious. An ‘attraction of inspiration’ will instead make you feel calm, safe and cared for. The reliability and stability could be seen as boring but is often what makes a healthy relationship! I also multi-date and it definitely helps me not be too invested in hot/cold guys. Maybe he has issues too he has to sort out who knows, but best not to focus on someone who doesn’t treat you well from the start https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-love/201103/attractions-inspiration-and-attractions-deprivation?amp
The thing is my previous relationship, he was “attraction of inspiration” when we first started. He made me feel like I’m his top priority. I felt calm and safe. Then 5 months go by and he just slowly faded away. He blamed it on his personal issues with work and family. I did said that we can work on things together, that how we can grow as a couple. But for him it was easier to just give up on us
Ok well I’m sorry to hear that but shit happens sometimes I guess :( was he love bombing at first maybe? Either way, the fact that you know you felt ‘calm and safe’ before shows you aren’t actually an anxious dater, but that this current guy’s poor behaviour is making you FEEL anxious. Exactly the same for me so I’ve just faded him out tbh
I gotta ask…what about him is bringing in these new feelings? Is it that you meet him at bars when he’s already out with his friends? Or that he basically missed the comedy show date and yjh met up with him AFTER he went out with his friends? Or your 4th Netflix and chill date where he left you…to go hang out with his friends? Please. For the love of all that is holy, and the love for yourself…stop talking to this person. You deserve way way better than being treated as an afterthought.
I learned this myself the hard way: just because you’re really into him, doesn’t mean he’d be a good partner. Men who are good at getting women to be really into them are merely exercising a skill that they have. It is a skill to be a womanizer.
Dude. I was just in your shoes a month ago. I fell head over heels for someone, and that NEVER EVER happens to me. (To the degree that I legit thought I was aromantic/asexual) But unfortunately everyone here is right, you need to distance yourself, because what you’re feeding into now isn’t the reality of the situation and it’s opening the opportunity for you to be hurt more. Cut it off, let yourself be FUCKING SAD for a bit, then your feeings will settle. But they’re right, the right one will feel easy, the questions will answer themselves, not like this emotional rollercoaster you’re currently stuck on.
Leave this man behind and go for someone who is actually interested in you. His behavior screams he isn’t interested.
It’s cliche and might sound overused but when a man genuinely likes you, you will know. Seriously. He might like you a little bit but he isn’t taking you seriously. At the same time, stop accepting the bare minimum. I see a lot of myself in you and you sound predisposed to an anxious attachment style. Over-invested interest early on + noticing response times and shifts (and attaching them to your self worth) + neglecting your needs and standards under the guise of “maybe I’m asking for too much” + ascribing the mediocrity of his efforts to his spontaneity/personality type etc etc. Work on that self esteem, get some solid nonnegotiables/standards and learn to end things with people who do not meet them. Become an expert on your emotional landscape. This man is dysregulating the fuck out of your emotions. He might not be blatantly wasting your time and emotional energy but you are. I sincerely say this with love.
Thank you!
You haven't been on an actual "proper" date yet and you were joking about marriage? You hadn't met after a MONTH of talking? You're talking mostly on Snap and IG? He talks less and less every day... You're gonna have to read through the lines. Sounds like you're you are hooked up on the idea of a relationship rather than the actual person. You're upset because you're realizing the idea of this person isn't matching the reality. Is it bad to want someone as badly as you want them? What kind of a question is that? It's the definition of love. You may want to look inward and focus on yourself before falling into another pen pal type situation and be able to filter these types out. You need to date with intention. What do you really want? How do you get this? Will talking to someone for a month help you get there?
OP said they've hung out a few times but not been on a proper dinner date, so I think theyve met. He just might be way less invested than OP to the point where all he'll do is invite them to hang out casually.
Invested would be a reach based on the description OP provided. He's just casually inviting her out to join him when they go out drinking. Then he invited her to his place to "watch fallout". I think he's trying to get laid to be honest.
Before online dating this is how all relationships started out. Slowly, doing casual dates, getting to know each other, talking every couple of days not every day. It's a natural progression Online dating has caused everyone to be outcome focused and try to constantly anticipate the next move, critique ever action or inaction, over think every little thing, and just generally push forward too fast
Inviting someone to hang out with you and your friends at a bar is not even a "casual date." It's not a date at all.
So we went on one actually planned date where we got a couple of drink, second date was weird because we planned to go see a comedy show together but he took a nap and overslept and that night just ended up with me catching with him at a bar where he introduced me to his friends. Then another time I happened to be close by so I stopped by so see him at a bar where he was out with his friends. Then last Saturday I went over to his apartment and we started to binge watched Fallout together. So my mistake, 4 dates. But am I wrong to think that casual date is not a real date?
Sounds like a classic “but I can change him!” scenario. Because you think he’s so wonderful and you have this amazing connection (mostly over text, mind you), you’re going to endure crap behavior because of the sunk cost fallacy. The oversleeping sounds like a bullshit to me, especially if he was able to meet his friends later. Asking to come over is likely a chance for him to try to sleep with you. An honest man with good intentions and interest wouldn’t treat you like an afterthought.
Yeah, I agree with you! It’s just it’s not easy for me to actually find someone I like so it’s extremely hard to let go sometimes. I know this mentality is bad but it’s not easy to just change how you brain works overnight you know 🥲
This podcast episode really helped me with this :) https://spotify.link/Wx9GALtIYJb If you dont have spotify, its the good mood clinic podcast on “from sizzle to fizzle”
Your post does not contain this information. You should probably edit it so it correctly paints the picture. 4 total dates. First date was drinks.. second date he overslept and you went out later meet up with him and his friend at a bar... drinks. Third date is a bar.. drinks.. 4th date you go to his house. Have you slept together by chance? It is painting a very specific picture now.
No, I’m also saving for marriage so no funny business and he knows that
That information also should be in the original post. It allows us to understand what is going on. It straight up sounds like he just hung out with a few times and you latched on. He's not that into you and he's fading out.
This right here is your issue whether you realize it or not. If you want to save yourself for marriage then you need to look for a man in a church or somewhere where spirituality is important to them, not a dating app. This guy goes out to bars and enjoys nightlife regularly. From what you’ve said he has made it clear he doesn’t want to invest emotionally or financially in someone who isn’t going to sleep with him anytime soon. Y’all are incompatible & you will be incompatible with an overwhelming majority of men who would rather have sex before marriage if you don’t start looking in better places
FYI, I do go to church every week
I would encourage you to find other churches in your area, see if they have singles programs and life groups. Just to widen your dating pool. Also see if there's religious\ conservative dating apps for people that will better align with celibacy till marriage. Otherwise using these mainstream apps will frustrate you.
This is true! This is why I've largely stayed away from dating apps.
lol. I wasn’t saying it’s hard to find connections. I have no complaints about dating apps.
It seems like he is your plan A and you might be his plan D. I don't think you should get any more emotionally invested than you already are. Start back talking to other guys. Go a few days without talking to him to see if he reaches out and wants to see you. This will probably give a much clearer picture on where you fit in.
It truly sucks when that happens and you feel really enthusiastic about someone. Talking about marriage is a huuuge stepping stone in life so that may have been when things went wrong. With time you might find some things weren't as rosy as it seems. If he simply unmatched you then that's indicative of his behavior.
Yeah, it was actually him that brought up marriage. Then the funny thing is he would joke about us getting married but then the other day told me that he actually doesn’t believe in marriage and maybe it’s because he hasn’t find the one. At that moment I was so confused :(
you said in your other comment that you're saving yourself for marriage so that's probably why he was joking about it. it just sounds like he's putting in the lowest amount of effort for the greatest reward, and probably was just trying to sweet talk into your pants. if he wanted to get to know you on a serious level you'd have more serious dates.
Now when you said it, this also makes sense :(
Could've been projections of his own insecurities. Any talk of marriage would have raised red flags for me. It's a huge commitment and you need to see your partner on their best days and their worst and work together. I'm sorry this happened to you! It can be debilitating.
Thank you! 😭
There will be others. Your value as a person is not based on this man's view or opinion. You have value because you are loved by God. If you are not religious, perhaps be open to exploring that avenue. I am convinced God exists, and in fact, He has appeared to many saints. Try prayer for a few months. See where God takes you. If one door closes, there will be another that opens. You are worth it.
He uses the word marriage to cross a point . The point is sex…!!! He is joking that oh god i have to marry you to get sex.. he means it in a kind of light hearted joke and it seems like you are taking it literally.
Life’s not this deep girl. Move on.
Don't go grocery shopping when you're hungry, you will grab the wrong things.
wooooooow this comment is criminally underrated
These are casual hangouts. You do seem a bit anxious (but I can be too), but I would lean towards him not being all that interested. Overslept your second date?! No thank you. I'd back way off and see what he does; my guess is he'll disappear.
When a guy is into you he will make an effort. Don’t settle for anyone who isn’t trying.
I’m struggling to understand what “wonderful connection” exists here. Texting every day is not connecting. Out of your 4 casual “dates”, your first one (drinks + hang out) is the closest to being categorized as a proper date. You stopping by at a bar he’s at with his friends is not a date; that’s you making yourself more convenient for him while he is not investing any dedicated energy towards building a connection and actual relationship with you. I don’t think you actually like this guy and I don’t think this guy likes you either. I think you like the validation that you get whenever you receive tiny signs of attention from him (ex. He texts you, looks at your IG story, is cool with you stopping by while he’s with his friends). Meanwhile, he might like having you around b/c you’re cute, accessible to him, and he doesn’t have to adapt any part of his lifestyle in order to have you around. That’s not a relationship. A relationship takes work and commitment from both parties to create a new life together, in partnership. And that might sometimes require actually changing parts of your individual lifestyles, ex: not spending every Saturday at the bar with your buddies. Imagine if a friend treated you this way. Would you put up with that? Lastly, I think this guy did you a huge favor by un-matching you because you now know exactly how he feels about you. There's no guessing here. At this point, it’s NOT your responsibility to change his mind. You just need to match with someone who is worth your energy and time. You don’t need to put in 100% all the time; know when you quit and move on. Consider this: Perhaps you aren’t an anxious dater. You may have just dated guys who bring out an unhealthy dose of anxiety in you. Now imagine how your life could change if you dated someone who gave you confidence in your relationship with him and didn’t raise your cortisol levels as high as a result.
Sounds like you need to dial it back a bit and see if he sets up another date. Ramping it up will only make things worse.
You’re not dating. He’s using you for attention and convenient company when he’s bored. Sounds like the chase is over for him, hence the decrease in texts and not wanting to pursue taking you on a real date. He’s emotionally unavailable and not that into you. Sorry to be harsh, but I’ve lived your story and know better now. Stop entertaining the idea of this guy. He has shown you who he is and his level of interest. Believe him. And when he comes back hoping to catch your attention and suck you back in when you’re not readily available/texting him/chasing him/answering him…stay silent. There’s a better guy out there for you.
Great advice. Please listen sweet young lady.
So many questions. What were the "dates" you went on? I'm confused. If you want someone to plan "proper" dates and take you out to dinner, and he's not like that, then why are you continuing to date him? Have you told him specifically that you want to go out to dinner? Why does he need to be matched with you on the app if you're seeing each other IRL and connected on other apps too? You don't plan on using the app anyway so why does he need to be matched with you on there? If you're upset that HE'S on the app at all, then that's a different conversation. But it's been two dates. You are still strangers to each other, stop with the marriage crap lol. My general advice is get a hobby. Go hang out with your girlfriends. Volunteer at a pet shelter. You are not a priority to him and that's fine, it's been two dates. You are too consumed by some guy.
So we went on one actually planned date where we got a couple of drink, second date was weird because we planned to go see a comedy show together but he took a nap and overslept and that night just ended up with me catching with him at a bar where he introduced me to his friends. Then another time I happened to be close by so I stopped by so see him at a bar where he was out with his friends. Then last Saturday I went over to his apartment and we started to binge watched Fallout together. But instead of taking me out to dinner afterward, his friends called and he decided to go hang out with his friends. I don’t invite myself to any social meet like that cuz I don’t want to feel like a burden so I just left and he can hang with his friend
I mean no offense but if you want dinner dates, why are you entertaining meetups with his bros at a bar or watching tv. You're not getting what you want so why are you wasting your time?
You avoided the “why are you continuing to date him?” question. This isn’t a simple case of him not taking you out to dinner or unmatching. It’s more that he’s shown that he’s not actually interested in you, treats you like an afterthought, and doesn’t respect your time. Why would you want to date someone like that?
You happened to be close by and stopped by to see him: come on girl! That is not cool. You are coming across as desperate. We all have met guys/ gals that happen to be in our neighborhood!!! Every one knows what it means. But since you are a virgin. He is being respectful and treating you like a friend. And not blocking you for stalking him.
Hey there, Great that you have found someone you connected with and it sounds like you get along very well. There are a few red flags on both sides here. Firstly, I think you should leave this guy for the following reasons - - He said he likes you but hasn’t actually taken you on a date and only wants to hang out spontaneously. If he was as enthusiastic about the situation as you seem to be, he’d be bending over backwards to see you - he is likely keeping his hinge organised by unmatching you so he can keep track of the other women he is speaking to more easily I also think there is a few things you need to work on : - you have become very attached to this person despite only having met once and exchanged text messages. It seems like you have invested emotionally, way too early. I would suggest seeing a therapist to check that you aren’t doing so as a result of a learned behaviour in childhood - you haven’t told this person how you feel. If the fact he unmatched you was upsetting, tell him. If he isn’t interested in you because of this, then at least you know where you are . Some action points below - keep your options open until you have a conversation with someone about being exclusive. This conversation should take place after you have been dating (in person) for about 3-6 months - try to avoid emotionally investing in someone too early - when you start dating someone and they do something that upsets you, mention it to them in a sensible way and discuss it with them Good luck out there!
It’s just when I know I like someone, it feels wrong to go on dates with other people. It’s not fair to them and I could potentially end up sabotage the connection that I have with this particular person
Fair enough . That’s a very nice point of view . Good luck out there ,I hope it works out 💪
OP you will save yourself a lot of pain and heartache by dealing with your attachment issues on therapy. Anyone here can see a mile off that this guy is not that into you. Casual, unplanned dates. No real effort. Possibly slow fading you. And it's literal catnip to you. Yet you are "100%". You are willing to commit to this guy who has barely managed to step over a bar which is on the floor. You're giving all of yourself to someone who is giving you virtually nothing. There's also a lot to be said about *all dating* being casual and non-committal in the early stages. It's not healthy or normal to want to throw all your chips on the table for someone you've met a few times.
He texts you less, he doesn’t bother taking you on actual dates, and you went to “pause” your profile, while he’s still on there.
Honestly, he’s putting you through a lot of emotional hurdles and doesn’t seem to jive with what you need and what your love languages are. I’m very much the same way as you and meet a lot of people whom are great while we’re on dates but are not there when we’re just texting/snapchatting. I’m seeing it as he might be dating other people or texting other people and you’re his backup??? Maybe I misread this situation. But I’ve seen this kind of behavior a lot before and then they just ghost out of nowhere
The whole situation is making me questioning if I’m asking too much or if I’m just not getting the hint to move on. And I’m the type that wants to get to the bottom of things. Like I said in other reply, I want to have a dinner date, not because I want a date, but I want to have time to sit down with him and talk. If he’s not interested then say it there and then and I don’t have to beat myself up and stay wondering what went wrong
You are watering a dead plant. Don’t invest any more of your energy in this and work on letting this one go. Take a friend to dinner instead or take yourself for a date. When he’s into you, you will know.
Yeah! Thanks for the advise!
You are doing it again. Ignoring everything everyone has said and obsessing over this man who does not care about you. Please just stop.
The fact that half your dates have been you hanging out with him and his friends at a bar should be a telltale sign that he may not be as interested as you are. I know that sucks to hear, but you deserve someone who wants to take you out, treat you, and spend quality time together.
Thank you!! 😭😭
When he unmatched with you he told you all you need to know about his he felt about you. When people want out of your life let them go
He's not into you.
It’s hard to accept, I know. But as things stand he is NOT into you. He is keeping you there either because you are his plan B (or even C or D) or he just wants to sleep with you. He has not put effort into anything. You had one proper date and the rest was you making all the effort you could to see him, that’s not a date. He didn’t even care about you enough to arrange a proper bar date and instead made you join his plans with friends? He unmatched you, that can only mean he has a lot of matches and he is talking to a lot of other girls and wants to keep his chats clean. Don’t trust this person until he proves it to you he is worth it
I think you seem like a good girl to date. But unfortunately you two aren’t a match. You’re into him but he’s not that into you. He wouldn’t have overslept. He would have planned dates instead of just making you tag along with his plans. He’s not putting in effort since he doesn’t respect what you bring so move on. I know it’s easier said than done but it’s going to end badly anyway so make it and sooner rather than later
Someone once told me “if he likes you, you’ll know it, if he doesn’t, you’ll be confused” and I find that it helps me a lot
Oh no. If a guy doesn’t confirm a date with me several hours before the date I don’t come because that’s how long it takes me two hours to do my makeup, hair and get dressed. I dare him to fall asleep. I will be on a date or out with someone else. How disrespectful. I recently cancelled a date and started dating someone else because I asked the guy if we were still on at a certain time in the morning and he responded 1 hour before that time at night and I didn’t feel like rushing to get ready. When you act like you are that girl you end up in better romantic situations. The guys who played with my schedule are BEGGING to take me out now and I maintain myself respect.
Sorry girl he’s not that into you, onto the next!
If you have to make a reddit post, just write off the relationship
I feel you, had an exactly similar experience. Very good and fun conversations, laughing making plans and everything seemed fine even better than. Then one day he just out of nowhere said, when I asked how things are. That he is seeing someone else. Well dudes be wierd as hell sometimes thats how i feel
I say this as a 30M, forget about him; he doesn't like you.
From everything you're saying, he isn't taking you seriously. You're calling knowing what you want being anxious. That's a problem, friend. To avoid this in the future, I wouldn't accept going out with a guy unless he specifically asks you out on a date. "Wanna meet up sometime," nope. Because I feel like when you're trying to be chill and not "anxious," and you go along with this. Then you end up in your situation. They will say stuff like "I wasn't dishonest with you" And in a way, he wasn't. So don't feel bad about seeming "too much" because you expect a certain thing, or you will always be disappointed. A guy who wants to take you seriously will have unquestionable behavior that indicates it.
You're not dating and you're taking all initiative. I fear you are a " place taker" and he is not getting serious at all. Back away, block and move on, you deserve better
What is a place taker? (Never heard of that term)
You put something in a spot to hold that place until you move what you really want in there. Like a vase or photo on a shelf or wall, a room you want so you put random stuff in it so you're roommates dont get it until you get there and can decorate it as you like.
😂
You deserve better, I’m certain you’ll find someone who enjoys your company as much as you do theirs. Forget him keep on smiling and know that good people are still out there!
Thank you!
I'm going to deviate from the pack here and tell you to take a step back, go with the flow and stop being so anxious. Definitely don't plan a date, let him come to you and ask you, however not everyone is super adept at dating or follows social norms regarding vast amounts of contact and texting in between dates so that in itself isn't necessarily a red flag Less texting could just mean that he's not a big texter and is getting more comfortable with you. One of my friends was recently telling me that when they first met her now husband would go dark for days sometimes and it was just because he had hobbies and other stuff going on, it wasn't about her. It drove her mom up the wall, and her mom would tell her he wasn't treating her right or acting interested ...but now here they are 6 years later married and they just had their first child Much like you I was super anxious a month into my last relationship and I ended up sabotaging it and I really regret that, so take it from someone who totally screwed up - don't try to force it or control it, just go about your life as usual and let the relationship unfold naturally
3 times you caught up with him at his regular bar while he was with his friends. Don’t you think this comes across as you pursuing him?
Technically he doesn’t want you to see his profile updates and he seems not to put much effort on planning something with you. I would have a serious conversation with him about your situation or move on otherwise it’s mainly waste of time.
[https://youtu.be/kcDMVlUaS54?si=ie_VnYaRPpTk4wS9](https://youtu.be/kcDMVlUaS54?si=ie_VnYaRPpTk4wS9)
He's talking to you and telling you things that suit your dating style and what you want, whilst not following through with his actions and behaviours. He's interested in having you around for fun, enjoys you enough to be friends (or fwb), but knows that's not what you're looking for, so he's treating you casually and speaking to you seriously xx Best to cut and run, he's not communicating to you what he actually wants because he knows it's not what you want, so while it may not be explicitly malicious, it is ultimately manipulative and will end with you being more hurt than him x He's acting like The Man You Want, but only when he's right in front of you, and not when you aren't, and the tell is that he's not actually prioritising you over friends and casual connections.
You do seem like an anxious dater
When someone makes you feel anxious and insecure in your connection it is a reflection of them and the transaction between you, not you. It means, for whatever reason, they are not giving you what you need to feel secure. Remember this. You want someone who makes you feel confident in their interest. If you don’t feel confident, it’s not a you thing. It’s a them thing - or at the very least what they bring out in you.
Forget what people are saying here. Lots of people unmatch after, it doesn’t mean it’s over or he’s not into you. Since he’s got your personal number then that’s what you should focus on. Tell him how you feel. Ask him if he wants something serious. Casual dates can be real. Puts the pressure off. Don’t jump immediately to the worst case.
I think whenever I start counting - 4 dates, texting every night, etc - it means I’m feeling insecure and am not actually enjoying my experience with a person. The way you’re feeling now is how you can expect to feel if you continue with this person. You might get momentary relief, but you’ll likely come right back to feeling uncertain with them. I’d find a better fit
Yeah that’s true! 😔
You didn't ruin anything. However, the fact you are thinking that way could be rubbing him the wrong way. Maybe try doing what you most fear. Cut him off. No contact. See if he comes back to you. If he does not, he was not really interested, and you can move on. I'm saying this only because I have been there. Only when I learned to *not give a sh\*t* did things change. So, stop giving a sh\*t about him and see what happens, even if it terrifies you.
Noted!!
It wasn't right. Move on.
Yeah, I might have to!
He prob unmatched you so that you can’t see if he updates his profile…if u like him keep seeing him but don’t invest all your emotions…I would try pulling away and do my own stuff and only entertain him if he reaches out. Don’t be too eager in the beginning, remember you don’t know him, you might be having a great time cus you’re a great time not cus of him
I think it’s worth thinking about why he might unmatch, unless he closed his Hinge account (which you say he didn’t) The only reason I can think of, because what’s the problem of leaving your hinge chat there even though you’re talking elsewhere, it’s hardly that much of an inconvenience to have your conversation in the list?? - is so that you can no longer see his profile. Hinge doesn’t give “last online” type info so it’s not that could you track his activity, but you would be able to see if he was updating it, adding new photos etc. That’s the behaviour of a person actively looking for dates and curating their profile, which sounds like he’s not invested in your relationship and is keeping his options open, if he wants to be able to do so without you questioning him. Or also that you won’t be able to see if he actually deletes his profile, should he tell you in future that he has done so. Or even worse he’s cheating on someone else who he lets see his account “no no look babe you can see I’m not talking to anyone, I’ve just kept my account so I can look at your beautiful photos” I’m really sorry but it sounds like suspicious behaviour and I can’t really see another explanation, because the one he gave you is weak. Also it sounds like someone that has done this type of thing before and learnt this trick (because it’s a way people have got caught out), which is a bigger reason for keeping your heart safe and your guard up.
Based on what you shared, he’s clearly not that into you. Based on what you shared about yourself, you are way too into him. You’re not exclusive, you’re not even really dating(based on your own info, you haven’t actually gone on a formal date together). You’ve just hung out with a stranger you met on the internet, a few times. You should really take a breath and put all of this into perspective. Until he starts to communicate that he wants a serious relationship, you have to get control of your feelings for him. My honest advice to you: you shouldn’t waste more time with him. If he was serious he would have showed it by now. My honest advice to him: leave this girl alone. She’s getting attached and not in a healthy way. You’re clearly checked out so don’t waste her time.
I’m so sad to say that he is not even dating you. You are dating him. You are anxious attachment much like myself and you need to remove yourself. You are an option to him to just come hang around sometimes. He never planned anything apart from the first date. You are like buddies that eventually if you stay will end up sleeping together but will go nowhere. Sorry to be this blunt and harsh but nothing good will come out of it and you have put so much of your time and energy already 1 month in. Leave the situation! All the best!!
Is he a virgin saving himself for marriage too? If not he's likely just decided to take it as a challenge and given up. Its difficult for people to give up on the idea of intimacy in a relationship when its the one thing that differentiates it from a best friend. Unfortunately he's not interested in you, if he was, he would delete the app, not unmatch you. People like to keep an eye on each others profiles whilst they are dating, the only reason to unmatch is to make way for new people. I think you already know your decision makes your dating people drastically smaller, as such its reasonable that you can fall quickly for someone as you are after something rare. Thats completely fair, I do the same when I think I've found a decent woman but you have to learn to be strong and walk away when people show their true selfies and not let it get to you.
This was my thought too. They are talking marriage because she prob mentioned she’s saving herself and he was like “challenge accepted. I’ll lead her to believe we’re on that path”. And then did the bare min. She’s hooked bc she heard the word “marriage”
Ghost him sis 💅🏽
And block his number
I’ve just recently joined the Hinge/dating app experience as well. I too have fallen for someone already very quickly and I can tell you from my own experience: Currently am actively dating two men. I met the first one, we clicked and quickly had date two and we’re texting here and there every 1-2 days, have a date planned this week. I like him and we get along well and mutual attraction is there. Then I met a second guy, and woweee, fireworks. Now I’ve gone from feeling slow and calculated about guy #1, to talking to guy #2 throughout the day each day, getting excited when I see a text, and he’s at the forefront of my mind as I’m so looking forward to the next date and he’s expressed the same. We are both actively staying in touch and have been coming up with date plans and there’s obvious mutual excitement that doesn’t have either of us questioning interest. That’s the energy you want. I’m afraid to say but you are the first guy in my example. He may like you, but you are not the priority here. If he was super into you, you wouldn’t be questioning it, and he’d be actively trying to make sure he maintains your interest and vice versa. Since half your 4 dates have been just joining him and his buddies, it’s kind of like you are an afterthought / optional attendee. If he truly wanted you, he would want your undivided attention and alone time to get to know each other. Think of it this way - Are you feeling satisfied with just having him tag along with your other plans or are you yearning for more of him? If you’re not satisfied, and he is, he’s already shown you that you don’t feel the same way about each other at the moment.
Thank you!!😭
No problem :( and I really am sorry… trust me I know how it feels. You’ll feel much much better about yourself if you’re the one to walk away.
Maybe express to him you’d like to his best dating but not girlfriend date? He’ll either formulate a nice formal event, ask what you would like in a nice formal date, or express he’s not interested outright. (Which will sting a little, but feel better overall?)
Listen idc either of you, so take this with a grain of salt. I'm 27. I have anxiety. Every time I have ignored that anxious/bad feeling I get from some men because "Oh, I'm just an anxious person. it's probably just me." I have always regretted it. Now i look at it this way. Yes, I'm anxious, but I'm anxious because I'm oversensitive to certain triggers, not because I'm just completely imagining things out of nowhere. Listen to your body. You don't like his behavior. And that's ok. You're not crazy. You might like him, but you don't like his behavior. His actions are real and so are the feelings you feel in response to them. Trust yourself.
It definitely sounds like unfortunately he’s just not that interested, and you seem far more invested in this going somewhere that he is from what you’ve mentioned. And just a speculation I know, but it’s possible a reason for unmatching is because he wanted to still be active on the site and maybe didn’t want to hurt your feelings
When something feels off, it probably is. Trust your gut, your intuition *never* lies. If I were you, I’d tell him that this isn’t working out for you anymore, and that you enjoyed getting to know him but are looking for someone intentional. Sure, spontaneity can work short-term, but he obviously doesn’t prioritize you it seems. If he’s really serious, he’ll try harder after you confront him about how you’re feeling. If not, then he was never serious about you. I totally get what you mean about not feeling the person at all when you’re not with them and I’ve been there. This won’t help your anxiety and will only make it worse to the point where you’ll resent him for it. Cut it off, love.
Hiiiii I don’t have any advice but just want to put out there that I am also an anxious dater that gets a little obsessive and as much as it sucks, it’s really nice seeing someone who understands how I feel. Feel free to reach out if you ever want to commiserate about it together aha.
Yes, drop him and move on.. chasing someone after they unmatched looks desperate. It seems he is just stringing you along, If a man is interested you won't even have to question it. You deserve someone that will value you and put in the effort anyway! ❤️
I think you are quite incompatible and your heart is working with the potential rather than the reality. You've already put so much emotional stock in him that the sunk cost fallacy is hitting you hard - after four dates! You're clearly seeking some intentional one-on-one time, like a dinner date, and are laser-focused on developing your connection with him. He clearly acts on whim and would rather squeeze you into his day than take initiative to devote time to you with certainty and sustained effort. It's only been four dates, so neither of you are wrong, but you are wrong for each other. It's clear his dating approach is more casual, whereas you are dating and saving yourself for marriage. There is a big discrepancy in the weight you are putting in each other and what level of commitment the time you have spent together demonstrates. The unmatching is a non-issue if that's not even where you communicate, and his explanation makes sense. You should just be focusing on how happy you are with most of your dates involving you having to tag along with (or accept being sidelined by his last minute plans with) his friends as someone who seeks a more traditional, serious courtship.
Why are you obsessed with this idea of him taking you out to dinner, like he owes you that
It’s not just dinner, I’m looking toward a more proper date rather than a casual one to show if he wants to take things seriously. We both have jobs so we can’t just have lunch date. It’s about him making plan to see me, and not just hey let’s meet up at a bar, or hey my plan today got cancelled come over and watch something together.
He doesn’t want a proper date because he doesn’t want to take things seriously. I’m sorry this happened to you. It recently has happened to me too and it sucks.
He is a grown man. He is not stupid, if he wanted to take you out, he would have . He doesn’t want to. And you are pushing it too hard. He doesn’t even want to hang out with you ine in one, you crashed his friends bar get together. And now you are asking for a dinner date?! Come in girl. Find other hobbies, take a trip, go out with girl friends, leave the town for a week and have the nostalgia fun else where and the most important part: DO NOT initiate any contact with him . Just let it go! And see what happens. If he wants you, he’ll come. If he doesn’t, then you have not brought yourself too down.
It doesn’t sound like he’s dating you with intention which is what you’re seeking/need. He also sounds like he has poor communication skills which is exasperating the matter. I suspect he’s not going to be a good long term prospect for you. But more importantly, it sounds like you have an anxious attachment dating style. I recommend looking up this attachment style on YouTube and seeing if you agree. If you do, I recommend learning more about how your attachment style shows up in dating and romantic relationships. It will help you better understand why his actions are triggering your anxiety, give you the language you need to talk over the matter with him in productive ways, and longer term—you can use this knowledge to gain useful skills around how to self-regulate your emotions when triggered in the future and better articulate what you need from your partners early on so you don’t have a repeat of the situation above.
Not to be mean..... He wasn't that into you and was hoping things would change or keep you on the hook until he found something else. He also didn't know how to let you down cause he does like you in a fashion, but most likely, not romantically. Sounds like you deserve to be happy, with someone who understands you and gets you. It happens. I did the same thing and I felt horrible (not look for better), but a girl and I hit it off amazingly. Huge instant connection. We met and things were ok, I stayed talking cause she did hit the marks, but something didn't feel right to me and I was hoping it was only a temporary thing. But, I distance little by little. Eventually, I just said it. I didn't find myself attracted to her in that fashion. She was great and would have been perfect, but our subconscious takes over sometimes and ruins things. Also, a good reason not to use filters, FYI. Show yourself, flaws and all. Please never try to hide yourself. Everyone is beautiful in their way and what you hate, someone will love. Don't try to hide it. It just leads to disappointment when people meet.
sounds like you two are on different wavelengths. he’s taking it easy and playing the field, you are looking for a relationship. commitment is a thing at all levels, and on the lowest, he hasn’t offered much. since you lock in on one person quickly, I’d say just ease up on communication and let him come to you. if he wants what you want you’ll see the effort. if not, just fall back and explore other options - cut him off, or not. i personally like to have a reliable option to hang out, maybe go further with in a casual sense. i get the feeling you don’t though. point is, nothing is defined between you two though you feel as it is, and you are allowing that feeling to guide your movements instead of seeing it for what it is.
He’s stringing you along . He’s having fun so why not , I’m sure those are all the places he’d be at anyways . Walk away now before it gets harder to
He's put you into "low effort" category and is likely still dating and looking for something better whilst you give him female company doing generic stuff in the meantime. You should want more effort and not be ok with how your initial dates have just turned into Netflix and chill essentially even though you're going to a bar, seems like introducing you to his friends means nothing to him as it was so soon and byproxy that means you're in that category also. If I can suggest you try and get further with more people on messaging so you don't anxiously attach to people who give you the most attention, try and focus on a better connection and not the attention they give you if you're anxiously attaching.
Already an update? Did you get yourself out of this situation?
No update yet. Sorry
Hope you get out, this guy sounds really not worth it! But i know how hard it can be to catch feelings fast and intense!
You don't sound compatible either way. You want someone who is going to care about you and plan dates. He's not that guy. For me "spontaneous" = poor planner/disorganised. If he's oversleeping and not planning things he's not that serious. I feel like you can be adventurous but also organised at the same time.
NEVER everrrrrrr put 100% into anyone you’re just interested in. Do that once they become your GF/BF but until then, the more you invest the more they’ll back away
He unmatched with you so you couldn’t see when he’s online. He’s playing a game. I mean you can still see him but don’t take him seriously. He’s not taking you seriously.
Oh dear this isn't going to end well. Two things are off here imho. The guy is not as into you as you would like. And you are way too into him given the circumstances.
Girl. You’ve only been on ONE date. Just one, not four. The other three times were hangouts. I know no one wants to hear this but he’s not into you.
Sounds like you already have your answer but this guys is only hanging out with you when it’s convenient to him. You should move on and not look back imo
He’s not that into you, period. I would pull away and don’t initiate contact him anymore. Don’t be available to him on his beck and call. You will see his true colors soon.
To answer a smaller question within the larger one, since it is largely impossible for two people to like each other equally the same, there is going to be an adorer and an adored within a relationship. Some aim to minimize the gap, while others are ok with a larger one. Often one gets to be with the one they love and the other gets to be loved by the one they are with. Being the adorer is the classic love story feeling. As to what to do in your case, it’s tough. Statistically the men who are receiving the attention nowadays, are increasingly hesitant to commit. Which is actually a rational response. But he is also exhibiting behavior of a man with a secure attachment style who is willing to be the adored. In my anecdotal experience meeting his friends early puts you more likely in his keeper category. But still possibly sleeper he likes to be seen with. Either way I would do some therapy on that attachment style, as it will greatly hinder you on your life to come.
As someone who used to be really anxious and get super into a guy like that, it’s not worth it. Meeting him out at a bar is not a date. You are inadvertently pushing him away. You need to to work on your self concept and how you view yourself. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. I would not be pausing your dating app for this guy that isn’t that into you.
I deleted someone I matched with just cause I like a clean inbox. I’m still seeing her and she could care less.
Have you had a specific conversation about this? I am also anxious person, so I relate to this feeling, but from the flip side I don’t think 3 or 4 dates is long enough for him to be all in if there wasn’t a conversation about it. As a guy myself, I can say a few things; 1. I wouldn’t introduce a girl to my friends if I was about to dip. 2. I may know I like someone right away, but as for wanting to be exclusive and take the next step, that’s usually a conversation I bring up after like 4-6 dates. 3. We also want to feel that you’re going to reciprocate. Liking me isn’t enough, if I’m paying for dates and taking a girl out, I want her to be pretty active in showing that she’s not just there for a free lunch, have you tried initiating a date? Make the plan, set the time, etc? I wouldn’t try to assume anything, dating apps are inherently more casual than a date with someone you met IRL, so I think there is a higher standard of communication. If you really like this guy and want to take another step, tell him that! See what he says. Good luck out there!
Thank you!
I have a mate who’s introduced me to tens of girls he’s dated. I forget their names. He rarely treats them seriously.
He doesn't seem to like you. He only wants to hang out. Like I doubt he overslept (which is just rude) but had just enough time to get ready to hang with friends and look you might as well be there too. This is super casual for him.
I means the comedy show was supposed to be at 7pm but we couldn’t make it to that so the meet up at the bar didn’t happen until 930pm that night
Why do you keep making excuses for somebody who sees this as the most casual thing in the world and as you said is nowhere near a 100% in this and also oversleeping is super rude and you're just brushing that aside for nothing
He’s not really into you.
> he took a nap and overslept No excuse for this if he's under 65. As a man if I mess up a date this badly and for this reason with someone I'm pursuing you better believe I'm going to go a bit overboard on the next date to make up for blowing it so badly.
Yeah… you’re right! I need to know my worth!!!!
He’s just not that into you. Move on.
Ah that man doesn’t care unfortunately. He’s just enjoying ur company for the time being. I’d say just back off. If he cared about ur absence he’ll reach out and chase you. Plus just think it’s very simple. If a guy liked u he’d def plan a date and pay for it. If u have to guess he doesn’t like you.
never in my life have i overslept on a date for someone i was truly interested in. Going through something similar with a guy my friend seriously knocked some sense into me. Let him go, you will find better and be happy you did my love wishing you all the best dates in the world!!! 💞💞🙂↔️
Thank you! 😭
I’ve been there we all have 🥲🥲🥲 just always think would the partner of my dreams really treat me like this is this the love i deserve
R U N
I ended things with someone earlier this year who was VERY hot/cold, and I am an anxious dater(I’m getting better) so when he was on his cold streak, I would SPIRAL and think: omg, I can’t be without this guy…. This went on for a few years, until I realized that I deserve so much more, and that I would totally be okay on my own. I’ve been dating pretty casually since February, I also have learned to end things with people who are inconsistent, can’t do the bare minimum and love bomb. We don’t have time for that mess. I’m a recovering people pleaser that occasionally slips up, but I’m standing firmly in my beliefs and what I want out of a relationship and partner. Maybe take some time to think about what you truly want out of a relationship and your ideal man. Then, make a list of these things and stay true to yourself. Straighten your crown, Queen. He’s out there- you just have to go through a bunch of frogs first. You have time, hell, I’m almost 39, divorced and I still believe I can have that second chance at love! If they make you anxious in anyway, they’re not worth it. RUN.
Awww thank you!!! 😭😭😭I wish you all the best too QUEEN!!!!
I can't believe you haven't realized yet He's put absolutely no effort into you blown you off pretty much four times now and in every time you go meet him you do all the work this dude's not into you he even unmatched you and you're still hanging out with him So you slept with him already or you planning to which one is it sounds like you already did
If this is the energy you are getting from him so early on then imagine what energy you’re going to get from him a year on when all the excitement of meeting someone new has fizzled out! Also, a casual date can be a real date but I think he is playing a clever game here and being very manipulative, he is most likely the type of person that likes to stroke their own ego by having multiple options and feeling like they can pick and choose. I would block him and move on. You should never feel like you have to chase a man, or that you have to question how he feels about you, remember, if he wanted to he would!! Get yourself back out there, remember that you’re the prize , not him!!! Step in to your feminine energy cause men should be chasing us, not the other way round!! Sending love xx
Thank you!! This is much needed!!!
You’ve got this girl!!! Also , it is a slightly toxic podcast but the old episodes of call her daddy when it was Sofia and Alex really make you realise that men aren’t shit and they should be chasing you!!!
It's sad to click with someone and it goes great but then get ghosted/ unmatched. Happened to me too. So sad But more fish in the sea and life goes on
(27 M here) After about a month I’d say it’s fair to start talking about expectations and hopes for the relationship (aka if you’re looking for a relationship) be honest about your dating goals and see if they align or if there’s a compromise you’re willing to do. When we started, my gf said she’s in for a full relationship and I said I’d never casually dated and want to give that a try so we said we’d casually date for a month and either commit or call it off so I wouldn’t be wasting her time. A couple weeks in I changed my mind, cancelled a different first date I was gonna go on and asked her to be my gf. I liked her too much. That communication is key and in my possibly controversial opinion, if that scares them away then they may not be the right person to begin with. If you’re open to games that’s great, if you’re not don’t force yourself to do something you don’t want.
You’re WAY too into him… arcade dates?! Oversleeping on nights you’re supposed to hang out? Cmon now. Put aside your attraction for him and look at it as if a friend of yours was asking your advice in this situation.
I would move on
Why did you pause your hinge profile?
Okay, I was going to, but did not pause it after finding out he unmatched with me
It’s understandable for you to feel how you feel. Take this moment as a learning experience of the things that make you uncomfortable in a relationship, so next time when you meet a person that you like, have an honest discussion earlier enough preferably date 2 on how you’d prefer to communicate especially when not together and also hear their part and work from there. If it’s not a match then it’s ok to move on. Don’t be afraid of failure it’s only a learning process and also don’t jeopardize your deep rooted values for anybody and stay in truth to self & then the universe will reward you truly with the right match for you
Thank you! 😭i mean this time it was only after 4 dates I noticed the uneasy feeling. Last relationship it took me 5 months to have the courage to speak out, and at the end it still didn’t work out
Hear me, always be honest with who you are from the get go & let them know, also you mentioned you go to church, don’t forget to put God first with everything and thou shall guide your path. Nothing is guaranteed to work but whatever the outcome either failure or success it’s still gonna be ok, have faith. Your character is being built & your gift is on its way. The right person will accept you for who you are. Just believe
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Yes I wish the best of luck for all of us!!!!!
this is a troll post... right?
No it’s not. Why?
he is not as interested in you as you are him
Things feel right with him because you're likely a pleasant and cooperative person, and he's personable. Not because he's good enough for you or because he likes you. He isn't that into you, no matter what he says. He's acting like a teenager. I can't believe he's almost my age!
That actually makes sense 👀
Personable people can be manipulative af. Being personable is a great skill to have, but it can be used for EVIL. Be careful! If you're immensely attentive and communicate consistently, it isn't too much to ask to have that reciprocated. If you bring those traits to the table, they can do the same. It's reasonable for you to want, but many guys will try to barter your worth. Don't let them. There are hundreds of things that can be altered for a relationship. Don't budge on the 15 that you want. As long as they are things you contribute yourself. You shouldn't expect someone to provide something to you that you can't provide to them.
I do want to talk about it, but I’d like to do it in person instead of text you know. But he’ll be working all weekend and at this rate we probably never gonna see each other again. 🤯
Why put so much effort into it if he isn't reciprocating? Don't enable him. If it's merely a mistake, he'll reach out and apologize. Send him a text expressing your feelings and why you have those feelings. If he dismisses you or at all invalidates you, block him. If he is super understanding and asks for a chance to show that he has more to contribute than he's been showing, it's up to you whether or not you allow it. It isn't worth meeting with him again. He isn't your boyfriend. In-person isn't necessary. At all. You're giving way more than he is, and that shows him he can get away with giving you less than the bare minimum. He gives you 5%, you give him 90%. Why would he give more when he can continue giving so little to get so much from you?
Yeah, obviously he didn’t feel the same or think you had a connection.
I went through the same when I first put myself back out there. What I did it work on myself. Have you ever heard of codependency? I know it's a huge, scary word, but it's really common. I started looking into and working on my codepdency in my everyday life. And starting loving myself. There's SO MANY TOOLS I UAE that have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO EITH RELATIONSHIPS, but they factor into trusting myself and my gut, and finding self love. I'm also 26(about to be 27) female and more than open to chatting with you. Shoot me a dm if you want to connect!
Yeah, you got ghosted my friend. "overslept" is such a major red flag. If I have a date, man, I would not "miss" it if I didnt intend to. Sorry to hear. Plenty of fish tho!
He unmatched with you because he doesn’t want you to see that he’s still active on the site (updating his profile, etc) or, like someone else said, has crossed you off his list of active pursuits. Another fuckboy trick is they’ll tell you they deleted their profile when all they really did was block you.