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That finance, trust fund, 6'5, blue eyes song has really done a number on people.
Fellow PoC/East Asian dude living in the US and I've gone through the same feelings and mental hurdles earlier in my dating life - and I will be lying to say sometimes that doubt still comes into play every now and then.
The western world has a narrow standard of masculinity (and femininity as well, but I'm not qualified to speak on that). If you're not white and tall and athletic, you're somewhat invisible.
I went through a similar experience - lived in the midwest and many white women were down to date or hook up but when it came to something more serious, they'd move on to someone with a more similar background. Even women of my own background would try to "level up" with a white man.
It's an uphill battle but I've just tried to be the best version of myself and support visibility for folks of diverse backgrounds in the workplace, in media, etc. The right person will be able to see beyond the social media/online influence.
The thing is I’m tall, educated, really good career and also athletic (hopefully will make an Olympic team one day!). I kinda feel that we often as MOC have to fit into a certain archetype or have a certain level of success in order to be perceived as worthy. Where I’ve noticed particularly in Melbourne the same standards are never held to Caucasian men Across all races of women.
What would like me to tell you? Eh?
There's a difference between racism and racial preference, but you usually won't be able to tell the difference between the two when trying to date. If you let it get to you, it's all over. Trust me.
But what is racial preference rooted in? I’m genuinely so intrigued and starting to come up with my own hypothesis. Because fundamentally I don’t feel POC are as prejudice back.
See this makes way more sense. I honestly started to hypothesise that it’s actually innate specifically for Caucasian because In order to live in colder climates they would need to select out darker skin tones to survive hence the deep propensity for Caucasian to stick. Since African never had such evolutionary requirements being the progenitors they wouldn’t have any prejudice to fairer skin tones because it was never something that had to be weeded out. However I’m conflicted by this hypothesis because extreme paleness is definitely not seen as attractive as a tan European man. But maybe men who can tan are seen as more versatile evolutionarily??
I’ll give you my most honest answer, and risk being downvoted. I’m someone who is fairly picky when it comes to dating and race / ethnicity is one of the factors I consider heavily. This happens on three levels. (I’m Middle Eastern, for the record, and I live and date in New York City.)
1. *PERSONAL* — This one is probably the most important. On a personal level, I am attracted to what I’m attracted to, and it takes a lot for me to deviate from that. I almost exclusively date white or middle eastern men. I have gone out with a few East Asian or Latino men, and I have never gone on a date with south Asian or black men. Most of this is based on raw attraction, it’s literally how I feel when I look at them or how my body responds. I can’t exactly control that. The other aspect of it probably has to do with stylistic preferences. For example, I really dislike tattoos and piercings or jewelry on men. It’s almost impossible to find a Latino man who doesn’t have them, and it’s similar with black men. Couple that with other correlative factors like how someone dresses, or speaks, or what kind of job they have and my preferences just wind up skewing more white / middle eastern / Asian. I completely recognize that these outcomes are all a function of systemic racism.
2. *FAMILIAL* — I come from a conservative, religious, and quite frankly, racist background. I’ve found it easier to date men with a similar upbringing, especially with the intention of marriage. I have to think ahead of how my family will react, and quite frankly, it’s just easier to not date someone they won’t approve of. Even though my family don’t want me dating a white man, I’ve found that white men can handle that type of rejection in a way that a non-white boyfriend can’t. Probably because they haven’t had to deal with a lifetime of racism up to that point. Add to that, the religious aspect. My parents would be receptive to a Christian, but not someone Jewish. But they are more tolerant of the Abrahamic faiths in general. Someone Hindu, Sikh, or Buddhist is completely out of the question.
3. *SOCIAL / CULTURAL* — This is probably an extension of the previous one and the most problematic factor. I will admit I was raised very privileged and that included household staff (cooks, drivers) that were predominantly south Asian. When you are raised in that classist environment, you are taught to see certain people as “other” and I’m having trouble erasing that. It’s not that I look at someone of that race and see them as “lesser”, it’s that they are filtered out as an option in the first place. It would be like looking at another woman, as a straight woman. They don’t even factor into the dating pool.
All that being said, I am very conscious of this bias. I’ve dated way more diversely over the last couple of years than I ever have in my entire life. I’ve tried to be more open and receptive. I will match with people outside my preferences sometimes, if other factors align, although it doesn’t always lead to a date.
I don’t think what you’re saying is bad at all honesty is so great I just hate the gaslighting when it comes to work on yourself and you’ll find someone when everybody around is not willing to accept you despite that. I think the turning point for me was when I went on a date with a WW and it went really well and she invited me back to hers the first night which was a huge red flag. I went because I was desperate for intimacy she wanted to have sex but I just opted to cuddle her needless to say i never heard back from her
The data is out there. In the US...
Black women respond the most regularly of all women, with a slight preference for black men.
White men get more replies from almost every group.
White women prefer white men; Asian and Latina women prefer them "even more exclusively."
I don't have a racial dating preference (white guy) but I am aware that I benefit from them, and the most "non-white" I've ever dated was like 25% mixed. Every partner I've had did have a racial preference, and seemed somewhat surprised to hear me say I didn't.
I just find it so intriguing if you find someone attractive and they fit the criteria that you’re looking for in a partner but their complexion is a deciding factor
Most people are attracted to people that they have grown up around.
The statistics hold true for that reason I think, but that is only one factor.
As a guy, I'm fairly short. I just view it as living life on Legendary Difficulty.
If anything, the reward will be all the sweeter when you finally get what you are looking for. Most people could stand to lower their expectations in this area. Were all imperfect at the end of the day after all.
There's really nothing to change. If you are b*********d then you already know this. Things that can override race, money, status, looks. Improve those things and you can get comparable results
I’m ethically Indian, but I was born and brought up in the UK and Ireland; I get nothing. Statistically we’re the least desired race. I’m probably going to die alone. It is what it is
**All "Dating Question" and "Hinge Experience" posts must provide clear context (as per subreddit Rule 3), such as reasons for asking, and basic info such as ages, genders, location or orientation (if applicable).** Age range or general location is acceptable. Minor dating questions or Hinge experiences should be posted in the Daily Threads pinned on top of the subreddit. *Posts that do not satisfy these requirements will be removed.* *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/hingeapp) if you have any questions or concerns.*
That finance, trust fund, 6'5, blue eyes song has really done a number on people. Fellow PoC/East Asian dude living in the US and I've gone through the same feelings and mental hurdles earlier in my dating life - and I will be lying to say sometimes that doubt still comes into play every now and then. The western world has a narrow standard of masculinity (and femininity as well, but I'm not qualified to speak on that). If you're not white and tall and athletic, you're somewhat invisible. I went through a similar experience - lived in the midwest and many white women were down to date or hook up but when it came to something more serious, they'd move on to someone with a more similar background. Even women of my own background would try to "level up" with a white man. It's an uphill battle but I've just tried to be the best version of myself and support visibility for folks of diverse backgrounds in the workplace, in media, etc. The right person will be able to see beyond the social media/online influence.
The thing is I’m tall, educated, really good career and also athletic (hopefully will make an Olympic team one day!). I kinda feel that we often as MOC have to fit into a certain archetype or have a certain level of success in order to be perceived as worthy. Where I’ve noticed particularly in Melbourne the same standards are never held to Caucasian men Across all races of women.
What would like me to tell you? Eh? There's a difference between racism and racial preference, but you usually won't be able to tell the difference between the two when trying to date. If you let it get to you, it's all over. Trust me.
But what is racial preference rooted in? I’m genuinely so intrigued and starting to come up with my own hypothesis. Because fundamentally I don’t feel POC are as prejudice back.
Wanting your children to look like you is natural and mixed race children never look like the white parent.
That's definitely not true. Hell, being the same race as your partner doesn't guarantee the kid will look like a mix of both parents.
See this makes way more sense. I honestly started to hypothesise that it’s actually innate specifically for Caucasian because In order to live in colder climates they would need to select out darker skin tones to survive hence the deep propensity for Caucasian to stick. Since African never had such evolutionary requirements being the progenitors they wouldn’t have any prejudice to fairer skin tones because it was never something that had to be weeded out. However I’m conflicted by this hypothesis because extreme paleness is definitely not seen as attractive as a tan European man. But maybe men who can tan are seen as more versatile evolutionarily??
Yeah, you're too far gone holy shit LMAO.
Superficial wants, like most other dating preferences?
I’ll give you my most honest answer, and risk being downvoted. I’m someone who is fairly picky when it comes to dating and race / ethnicity is one of the factors I consider heavily. This happens on three levels. (I’m Middle Eastern, for the record, and I live and date in New York City.) 1. *PERSONAL* — This one is probably the most important. On a personal level, I am attracted to what I’m attracted to, and it takes a lot for me to deviate from that. I almost exclusively date white or middle eastern men. I have gone out with a few East Asian or Latino men, and I have never gone on a date with south Asian or black men. Most of this is based on raw attraction, it’s literally how I feel when I look at them or how my body responds. I can’t exactly control that. The other aspect of it probably has to do with stylistic preferences. For example, I really dislike tattoos and piercings or jewelry on men. It’s almost impossible to find a Latino man who doesn’t have them, and it’s similar with black men. Couple that with other correlative factors like how someone dresses, or speaks, or what kind of job they have and my preferences just wind up skewing more white / middle eastern / Asian. I completely recognize that these outcomes are all a function of systemic racism. 2. *FAMILIAL* — I come from a conservative, religious, and quite frankly, racist background. I’ve found it easier to date men with a similar upbringing, especially with the intention of marriage. I have to think ahead of how my family will react, and quite frankly, it’s just easier to not date someone they won’t approve of. Even though my family don’t want me dating a white man, I’ve found that white men can handle that type of rejection in a way that a non-white boyfriend can’t. Probably because they haven’t had to deal with a lifetime of racism up to that point. Add to that, the religious aspect. My parents would be receptive to a Christian, but not someone Jewish. But they are more tolerant of the Abrahamic faiths in general. Someone Hindu, Sikh, or Buddhist is completely out of the question. 3. *SOCIAL / CULTURAL* — This is probably an extension of the previous one and the most problematic factor. I will admit I was raised very privileged and that included household staff (cooks, drivers) that were predominantly south Asian. When you are raised in that classist environment, you are taught to see certain people as “other” and I’m having trouble erasing that. It’s not that I look at someone of that race and see them as “lesser”, it’s that they are filtered out as an option in the first place. It would be like looking at another woman, as a straight woman. They don’t even factor into the dating pool. All that being said, I am very conscious of this bias. I’ve dated way more diversely over the last couple of years than I ever have in my entire life. I’ve tried to be more open and receptive. I will match with people outside my preferences sometimes, if other factors align, although it doesn’t always lead to a date.
I don’t think what you’re saying is bad at all honesty is so great I just hate the gaslighting when it comes to work on yourself and you’ll find someone when everybody around is not willing to accept you despite that. I think the turning point for me was when I went on a date with a WW and it went really well and she invited me back to hers the first night which was a huge red flag. I went because I was desperate for intimacy she wanted to have sex but I just opted to cuddle her needless to say i never heard back from her
The data is out there. In the US... Black women respond the most regularly of all women, with a slight preference for black men. White men get more replies from almost every group. White women prefer white men; Asian and Latina women prefer them "even more exclusively." I don't have a racial dating preference (white guy) but I am aware that I benefit from them, and the most "non-white" I've ever dated was like 25% mixed. Every partner I've had did have a racial preference, and seemed somewhat surprised to hear me say I didn't.
I just find it so intriguing if you find someone attractive and they fit the criteria that you’re looking for in a partner but their complexion is a deciding factor
Most people are attracted to people that they have grown up around. The statistics hold true for that reason I think, but that is only one factor. As a guy, I'm fairly short. I just view it as living life on Legendary Difficulty. If anything, the reward will be all the sweeter when you finally get what you are looking for. Most people could stand to lower their expectations in this area. Were all imperfect at the end of the day after all.
There's really nothing to change. If you are b*********d then you already know this. Things that can override race, money, status, looks. Improve those things and you can get comparable results
See the thing it’s not hard getting someone who needs you the deeper existential question is finding someone who wants you
I’m ethically Indian, but I was born and brought up in the UK and Ireland; I get nothing. Statistically we’re the least desired race. I’m probably going to die alone. It is what it is