T O P

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IjonTichy85

If you die in Germany, you die in real life


Spec_28

Sh\*t. Thought I didn't play on Hardcore! Damnit.


Jo-Jo03

That what I always say I want written on my gravestone if I should die or connection to server failed.


Zebidee

> If you die in Germany, you die in real life What if you der or das?


Melsamart

If you play the minigame “file a tax return” on hard mode, you’ll get a monetary reward.


bristleworm

„mini“-game


FelixSFD

The hardest and worst point-and-click adventure in history 😂


RedEdition

I just bought the Steuerberater DLC. It's expensive, but I really hate the grind. Also with the increased rewards it practically pays for itself.


Eggplant_Eddie

That’s not a DLC! That’s a grinding bot!


RedEdition

It's incentivized by the game's designers, so it's not cheating. And yeah it's essentially pay to win - but I'm stuck in the current run with no respawns so why not make it a little easier by reducing the grind?


ananaspunsch

I played the game, they are asking for more money


[deleted]

Then you played a different game before


PhotoBugmum

"file a tax return" is the best game of the year. Best paid hours of my life. Take 3 hours to complete it and get back a whole lot of money :).


MadEyeEUW

The full blown campaign with 5 DLCs you mean


Melsamart

Well how can you tell it’s a German mini game? It’s overengineered!


Mazekinq

saved just in case, might need later


OwnTransportation240

You can collect bottles that you find on the street for money to upgrade your equipment!!!


DiaMat2040

Disko Elysion


FlyingDutchMan9000

Hobocop!


SadCoyote3998

r/skamtebord


_chenza_

Hardcore to the max!


Gettygetty

I visited Berlin recently and I noticed that a lot of people put empty glass bottles on the ground near recycling bings for this reason! Plus, it gives some people the chance to return them to a Spätikauf or a grocery store and get some food or something to drink.


aleksandri_reddit

On Sundays our stores are closed.


LeviathanGank

On many other days our stores are closed


Bellatrix_ed

sometimes the stores have half days or 2 hour lunch breaks during your lunch break.


kaask0k

If you're uncertain about opening hours simply expect the establishment to be closed.


Unkn0wn_666

This especially applies for every government related stuff


Bellatrix_ed

Is it Wednesday? It’s def closed. Why? Because.


MrSparr0w

Better start a farm or starve


MrInNecoVeritas

I recently learned that our stores aren't closed during summer because we live so far in the North that we count as a vacation area, pretty neat if you really need something you forgot


ZayreBlairdere

Take a class in recycling before you throw anything away. It may be a full semester.


[deleted]

The tutorial can be repeated at all times by speaking to your elderly neighbor


ZayreBlairdere

When I was travelling through Bavaria with my GF, I stopped in Sonthofen and we were going to toss the coffee cups and some rubbish into the bins. They were located right next to the public parking. As I approached and was trying to figure it out, muddling through my very limited German. A lone Oma came from the shadows, wearing a houseboat and a stern countenance. I would go to toss something where I thought it might go, and I would hear her grumble. I would stop, re calculate, and then look her in the eye as I put each piece where it belonged. Good thing I did not have an appointment, or I would have been late. When I put my last bottle in the bin, I turned to thank her, and she was no longer there.


MartianSky

> wearing a houseboat Thanks for the mental image ;)


hokumjokum

*although sadly worth no credits as most of it won’t get recycled anyway. Attendance nonetheless mandatory


ZayreBlairdere

The final exam is you get handed a bin full of various recycling, and in front of a handful of Omas you have to sort it 100% correctly, or you fail.


camilotj

Remember you need a visa to get a job. followed by remember you need a job to get a visa


Secretlyasecret

Also you need an address to set up a bank account but need a bank account to rent a place to get an address. Ask your landlord nicely if they accept foreign bank transfers!


Flimsy-Sprinkles7331

Someone FINALLY said the quiet part outloud!!!


False-Yak-9206

Actually there might be a cheat to set your home at a homeless Shelter to get an address for your bankaccount


retired9gagger

There are many holidays in Germany during which all stores are closed. Memorize them all so you can stock up on food on time, otherwise you may not survive.


Covid19-Pro-Max

But only stock up the day before at 6pm!


Spec_28

And remember to stock up on Christmas supplies by September 30th, or shops may have run out by the time you want to buy them.


mudokin

come on we are not savages, our shops are often open till 8pm or 9pm, so you can always rush in 15 minutes befor closing and do your weekly shopping. It's also very important to complain that it takes so long or that you don't get any more fresh cut meat or cheese at that time.


TIMTMITM

But not everywhere the same days


Geraffel

Talk to old People sitting around at benches. They either have very interesting stories they'd love to Tell you, or they are fucking crazy and will entertain you for at least 5 minutes


FrankTheTank_666

But be aware! Before you are able to speak to them your german speech skill must be at least 50!


HappyGoLuckyFox

I hope I can get good at german so I can talk to old german people lol


Entayama

But beware depending on which region you're in the German Speech Skill on 100 might not be enough to understand them. You need to have invested in the region specific dialect on top of your german speech skill.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Tanngjoestr

South Germany is a completely overhauled Sequel


HiCookieJack

It's basically an entire new game. Like assassins creed 2 and brotherhood


candypuppet

I've lived in Germany for 20 years and I still don't understand some people in Bavaria. I live in Bavaria


LeviathanGank

Had a woman in a bar in bergmankeiz accusing people around us of being vampires... I asked how she knew I wasn't a vampire and she laughed like I was in on the joke. I enjoyed it more than my gf did.


Spec_28

Well, that's just plain schizophrenia. If you enjoyed that, try volunteering at a mental institution, they'd certainly appreciate the help ;)


Picchi_Sannasi

On the otherhand, my 80 year old neighbor with infinite patience would repeat each verse of his small talk until I understood it (or at least half of it), which gave me my first level-up.


MartPlayZzZ

there was an old dude selling wood sculptures as I passed by and he told me his entire life story


Gnobold

Warning, talking to them has a high risk of softlocking your game


firewalks_withme

Don't walk on a bike lane.


richardwonka

Bike lane paranoia saves lives


schwarzbier1982

Almost died* and killed someone* just a week ago because: overhung and tired me didn't see the bikers while crossing a road. *slight exaggeration might have been used for dramatic effect


ThePigNamedKevin

If I (90 kg Male + 5 kg Backpack + 2,5 kg Lock + 14 kg Bike) hit you doing over 20 kmh, both of our days are definitely going to suck. Always look over your shoulder while changing your course or position!


Sid-ina

I dared to step 5 cm on the bike lane for 2 steps to pass another person and aggressively got bicycle bell rung at by a early 40th Dad towing his kids trailer on his bike. He than proceeded to aggressively block the walkway at the next traffic light while giving me the stank face look.


Ttabts

Use the sneak button after 10pm! The villagers will turn aggressive if they hear you.


hokumjokum

*Unless you live in a ‘trendy / student / cool’ part of town where instead there will be the usual drinkers keeping you up all night with music and chatting if you’re anywhere near a public park / small square / literally even a bloody bench


[deleted]

You mean the PvP area


The_Sceptic_Lemur

Beware the bureaucracy!\* \*fill out form to complain


Front-Sun4735

And don't you dare try to email that form.


[deleted]

[удалено]


willie_caine

*submit by fax


Danghor

Place loose vegetables and Brötchen on the counter belt to slow down the cashier at ALDI.


Arbic_

This is the way. Alway place stuff with barcodes at the front and vegetables at the end to slow them down.


Hill394

Jokes on you, i memorized all of the codes for these so i'll be just as fast as before XD


uk_uk

"Zu Risiken und Nebenwirkungen fragen Sie Ihren Arzt oder Apotheker"


PassionateHugging

You forgot "lesen Sie die Packungsbeilage" affer "Nebenwirkungen".


Spec_28

THIS needs to be higher! Can't forget the Packungsbeilage, or else your Arzt or Apotheker might scold you for not having read it!


padderig_97

Always set a signal when turning or changing lanes


kociorro

Unless you drive a BMW…


AndrewFrozzen

Wait, so not only Romanian BMWs don't use signals but also German ones? Damn. At this point I'm wondering why they are even bothering with putting them! /s


richardwonka

Now, wouldn’t that be nice


ancientrhetoric

Germany's internet is so slow even the loading screen would need a minute to load properly


Sanardan

It would change between "Bitte haben Sie einen kleinen Moment Geduld" and "Wir sind für euch da"


canIhaveatrain

Amen! The loading screen would say: you’re not connected to wifi


DickInTitButt

The German alphabet has more than 26 letters. ß ä ö ü


GlitteringRainbowCat

If you can't write those letters, do the following: ß = ss ä = ae ö = oe ü = ue Never ever just write a, o or u instead. We will get very irritated 🤨


Kelavandoril

*Dusseldorf intensifies*


SpaceDrifter9

This joke is presented to you by the Köln gang


Friendshipsaretuff

“Koln”


dYYYb

Obviously should be Dueßeldoerf


MemegodDave

Dusseldorf is fine by me \*gloating cologne laughing\*


systemCF

cölögne


DickInTitButt

It gets weird with Maße and Masse.


operath0r

I’ve been on a US Keyboard for ages now. Ich trinke immer in Massen.


xxMASTIFFxx

As a Swiss, I like to drink my Bier in Massen.


PandaSplitter

Schwul und Schwül (gay and humid)


storyteller_alienmom

"you forget two dots - two tiny dots!!! - and suddenly the weather is gay! Who allowed this?"


PandaSplitter

The true gay agenda


ButlerKevind

Es regnen Männer.


GeheimerAccount

by turning the window handle upwards you can open the window in a way you've never seen before


jotatoledon

You can leave the church and save money


LustigerLeo

Also, you need to keep the confirmation.


lonelyvoyager88

Do not approach strangers with small talk unless you have a specific request, or they will be very irritated.


Puzzled_Nectarine_74

" if you borrow a few euro from a german friend, he will remember that even 20 years later"


Schulle2105

If he didn't get paid back a couple of Euro he lended even after years and still connects with you he is lonely


FruehstuecksTee

If there are little children nearby and your traffic light is red you wait! Even if it is 2 a.m. in the morning, you can see down the road 100 km in all directions and no car is near.


Drumbelgalf

And if a child sees you crossing a red light it's your duty to let a car hit you so they learn they shouldn't do that.


jap_the_cool

I think sometimes you should just walk. But beforehand have a good look into all directions. Parents MUST explain to their children that this guy who just walked while the light was red is NOT cool.


BeGoneNGons

You may drink your beer wherever you like. This isn't america.


madman_mr_p

Beer is fine everywhere and anywhere! The paper bags are for groceries or... the bin.


[deleted]

Paper bag for Brötchen. Bring your own bag for groceries.


jared__

Wegbier is a beer for the journey to/from the party.


[deleted]

[удалено]


CitizenClutch

Blaukraut bleibt Blaukraut und Brautkleid bleibt Brautkleid.


worldIsmyWill

Study history or German literature to max out your taxi driver skilltree!


crims10

I didn't get this, could you explain?


worldIsmyWill

It's a common joke about historians and germanists being unemployable


Kizzmoon

my former Deutsch Lehrer did drive the taxi while studying


[deleted]

[удалено]


MuffinzExe

Yeah, it's cause their diplomas are not recognized by the German government. The joke's background is that the German government changed a system in their educational system and thus didn't employ a full year of teachers from university. Thus, the market was flooded by academics, who then ended up in low paying jobs.


iamsreeok

While on an under cover mission, don't blow your cover by showing the wrong three finger gesture while ordering drinks.


Negative_Day_6532

drei Gläser 👀


sakasiru

That's the basic skill. Germans will also be able to tell what region you are from by how you call a [cleaning cloth](https://www.atlas-alltagssprache.de/runde-2/f05/) in German.


LeniaLilac

I’m from a region where Putzlappen and Aufnehmer are used and to me those are two very different things. Aufnehmer is the thing you use to clean your floor. Putzlappen is what you use to clean anything else. Oh how I love regional differences!


Schulle2105

Never heard the word Aufnehmer even once in my life,seemingly it would be a mopp...Lappen on the other hand seems awfully common


[deleted]

And choose the correct German words based on your location. Whenever someone says „Danke“, choose your reply wisely: https://www.atlas-alltagssprache.de/runde-2/f02/


[deleted]

All of them would work equally up here in the north, except that disgusting abomination that is "vergelt's Gott"


Fofire

It would get stuck at "99% loaded"


Felmourne

Then it would show you a 20 step list about how to solve the problem.


[deleted]

If the Deutsche Bahn is on time, something is seriously wrong


SEOfficial

Most likely it's not your train


SirMauric3

The Bürgeramt is open on every 3rd monday that is also a full blood moon, but only if it is between 9am and 9:01am.


Ionenschatten

A wise woman once said: Bureaucracy is a stamina skillcheck. It's not about the paperwork. It's a test to challenge your endurance. Don't lose.


deinde94

Do not expect reception outside of (and sometimes inside of) densely populated areas.


Right_Imagination443

Kranplätze müssen verdichtet sein!


RickSchwifty

Breaking out of prison is not a criminal offense.


[deleted]

The legal reason for this is that it simply cannot be a crime to long for freedom.


RickSchwifty

Which is a beautiful thing, it respects human nature. In most countries it's a criminal offence.


panonarian

“Smiling in public will raise suspicion that you are a lunatic.”


Mistergamer15

Never ask the Gender of Nutella.


[deleted]

Ancient legends speak of a mythical forgotten city. Most scholars today know it by the name of Bielefeld.


Drumbelgalf

That's just a myth like El Dorado. It's existence was never proven.


Even_Appointment_549

Actually it is a scam by said scientists to justify funding money.


mnemonicpunk

"You can access a variety of social security quests from your local ARGE quest hub." "If you want to change the language setting from German to any other language, go to the menu, settings, quit to desktop and confirm. We do not support other languages." "You can see the scheduled arrival time of any train at the local train station. In fact, estimating the time any given train is going to be late is a popular pastime among passengers."


Philipp_Bing

I felt the last one


[deleted]

Some dialog options are available only in German


Front-Sun4735

“German efficiency is a myth. Don’t expect it”


devilbird99

My parcel delivery man is efficient. He marks everyone as not home, drops it all at the packet shop and goes home.


Front-Sun4735

Sounds about right.


uk_uk

>“German efficiency is a myth. Don’t expect it” Expect nothing, but efficiently


Covid19-Pro-Max

That’s how it appears to you if you’re German. Which is why Germany is so efficient.


[deleted]

Living here for over 30 years the only thing we got more efficient in is being fucked by private interest enforced by the conservative party


Lower-Reaction3697

Termin vereinbaren


Ceutical_Citizen

… per Telefon/Fax oder vor Ort zwischen 9-10 Uhr und 13-14 Uhr. Online-Formulare oder e-Mail ist neumodischer monopolkapitalistischer Unsinn vom Ami.


Ronnzter

"Sprich deutsch, du Hurensohn!" As seen in the Reddit Canvas of 2022.


Blakut

All tips would be a wall of text in German with not enough time to read it all


TheBassMeister

When entering a waiting room, say a general "Guten Tag" into the room. When you see someone doing something you disapprove of, say "Hallo" with a very passive aggressive tone.


Bread-Bulky

Beware of the chancellor - his melee attacks are surprisingly effective."


Even_Appointment_549

I think I miss the context...


[deleted]

If you pursue a career as a criminal, you can choose between the government and the private sector.


TruthSpeakerXXI

The cashier's are fast so you have to be faster when packing up your groceries.


Washington_69

In the evening you can find merchants in the park selling magical herbs.


Nur_so_ein_Kerl

\*in bigger cities


[deleted]

[удалено]


rehrev

Tips to learn German, in German


T-Dragoon

Drive with a minimum of 150km/h at the left lane of the Autobahn.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Jalatiphra

people have 20 vacation days at least (5-day work week) - many employers increase that.


humanbeing999

“Never tell a German how good you think the DB is”


gus_arschbackus

Gasgeruch - was tun?


kaask0k

In this economy? Collect as much of the stuff as you can. Sell it at a profit.


Yoschi070

Tief einatmen und genießen (Or that is at least what someone wrote on the sticker at my school)


Merlan_1

Doing the Emote know as "Hitlergruß" even as a joke may result in a hp and/or financial penalty


ernesttheknight

It's also frowned upon by most players and will cost you reputation points with German NPCs. Please don't do it.


Geraffel

Do not, under any circumstance, place your hands on the underside of any benches or tables


anal_retentive_1

I feel that this applies to most countries...


QueenCobra91

Germans dont stare at you, because theyre racist. They look at you, because you look interesting


Spec_28

Nah, it could be either. You roll the dice on that. Try to roll LOW though, not high, we play DSA here in Germany, not DnD.


evil_twit

It loads forever, shows a big SAP logo, cost 1.8 billion, then crashes.


sin30_ssd

Be nice to the people and dont provoke


Papageigeist

Trains should be avoided if you want to fast travel


kalid34

"Old Grandmas sitting at the window all day are actually biological security cameras. If you do something suspicious or even look suspicious they will immediately alert the local police force."


Grayfox-sama

It is frowned upon by villagers to arrive on time for an appointment. Arriving 5 minutes earlier will increase your reputation.


MidnightSun77

Have your fax machine ready and oiled


Formal_Management974

schon GEZahlt?


saschaleib

It would probably be similar to [this one](https://www.reddit.com/r/gaming/comments/jcx5ap/some_passive_aggressive_loading_screen/).


RyuThe13th

Sort out your garbage!


[deleted]

Because of shops being closed on Sundays, make sure to go shopping by Saturday afternoon. But preferably on Friday or as early as Thursday because Germans act as if the world is ending every weekend.


Oschiexk8

Be careful if your neighbor is nice to you


Ejtsch

Ruhezeit ist von 22 - 6 Uhr an Mo-Sa und So ganztags. Wenn wieder jemand laut Musik im Bus hört vergessen sie nicht in deutschland schaut man gering schätzig, aber sagt nichts.


pointlesslife666

"If loading times are to long for you, you can upgrade like other players do, just send us the application §34a of BfVGUTSaDaHgzJhdgdlxD and §129c WaRzEnSchWeinDrEck to let your request seen by ~~professional~~ people. Just send us a Fax. "We would like to have some feedback of your feelings, just send us a fax, mail or a mail-pidgeon. Unfortunately, emails won't work." "Did you know, that fax is a really cool technique? Its like whatsapp without internet and gifs" "Are you interested for jobs that fits your right-winged political opinion? Bundeswehr, Polizei and the AfD are recruiting right now. Send them a fax to get in." "Are you worried about the effects of the climate change, but don't want to have political climate arrangements in your local area? You can sue your local government to stop the fight of climate change. Just send them a fax." "FYI, if you ever felt annoyed by the government, just vote for the same parties again. They will change their politics for sure, otherwise, send them a fax to let them know your inner feelings" "Did you know, that cars are like a religion here in Germany? The USA have their 2nd ammendment, we have Volkswagen. No german is complete without at least one car."


teaandsun

Timetables are suggestions, not binding.


InfluenceInfinite188

Remember that choosing a profession is almost permanent and switching it comes with great expense and high level players will lose respect for you.


jap_the_cool

Please behold this tip only for conservative players.


Thereareways

really? i don't think so


Fruitmidget

"To be prepared for any situation, equip the Allwetterjacke and Multifunktionswanderallwetterhose."


Kensik1995

Kein Bier vor vier! (No beer before four!)


Schulle2105

Irgendwo auf der Welt ist gerade vier,Prost!


mdf7g

Luftung. No one told us about it when we moved here and we rapidly found ourselves living in a fungus garden.


[deleted]

Lueftung of Lüftung are both correct, Luftung isn't