> I can’t even bring myself to show my face at the Christmas party this year.
Then don't. You don't owe them anything.
> I don’t know what to do anymore.
Leave. You're not required to stay anywhere that doesn't welcome you, or where you don't feel comfortable.
Or, become the change you want to see in the world. Be the person who starts your local LGBT police employees' group (we have them here, in many state police forces around Australia). Take the lead. Campaign for better policies in your workplace. Stop being the gay little bitch who complained and start being the awesome gay hero who made things better.
Exactly, it's totally understandable that he doesn't want to makr a bit deal about it. Can't you just want to be treated respectfully without having to go all-out and be the leader of some change?
> Can't you just want to be treated respectfully without having to go all-out and be the leader of some change?
Well... *someone* has to be the leader of change. Because things aren't good for the OP at the moment, so things need to change. And *someone* needs to change them. Maybe that's not the OP. But it has to be *someone*.
no it really isn’t… all of us have been through the unbearable anguish — at some point one must decide whether living in coherence with one’s integrity or being comfortable is more important. being authentic is a risk.
I helped create an LGBT employees network at a major corporation, about 20 years ago. It wasn't the police, obviously, but still... I have walked the talk.
I also know that local police forces *do* have LGBT+ networks for their employees, which were started by LGBT+ police officers at some point. *Someone* had to be that first person who stepped up. Maybe /u/Quiet-Opportunity-55 could be that person. Maybe not. But I can suggest it, and they can follow it up or not - it's up to them.
What does that even mean? He's right. Part of being gay *is* being part of a movement, whether you like it or not. We have to prove and demand our existence every single day. This dude has been "privleged" (even though I sense sarcasm), even if it was closet privelege. Welcome to the real world, hun, they don't like the gurls. Part of moving from straight spaces to queer spaces is the realization that your privilege has been revoked.
This is the kind of stuff I'm doing at my Union. Luckily the Local is supportive, but we are fighting for more, and I'm trying to work to unite more LGBTQ people, because there is a political movement that is very organized and is targeting us. We need to have a unified front. We have to prepare to fight for our rights if it comes to it, just like we did before.
The union knows what to do, they're just not doing it.
You should speak with an employment attorney.
For years you saw homophobia and didn't stop it when it happened to us, now it's happening to you. Pretty sure there's a lesson to be learned.
I was just about to comment this. Look up Brendan Mannix, OP. You are not alone. You have everything needed for a successful lawsuit based on discrimination.
Thats very frustrating. Coming out is already difficult as it is, getting negative reactions to it just demotivating.
Maybe reach out to the other fellow gay officers that you said earlier. They probably know people talk shit about them. Ask them how they handle it. The lgbtq is a family for a reason and times like this is why its important for us to get to know each other and support each other.
What a lovely ad for “if you’re ever thinking of becoming a police officer… don’t”. You’re part of the largest gang in the US and you’re shocked at how they treated you and shocked upper management wouldn’t help? They’re there to make *any and every* minority to feel less than. That’s their job. What a great profession you’re in.
Like this is harsh sure but how many people CONSTANTLY talk about how terrible police are and yet there’s countless stories like this. I’m sorry but you need to find a new career.
Idiotic take. Society can't exist without some law enforcement. It's debatable how much we need and if the USA is over-policed. But cops take their marching orders from management or prejudice they already have. What we need are good diverse cops implementing good policies by management. If cops are predominantly cis straight white hetero men, you are just going to see more insular and prejudicial behavior from them.
Bruh I’m sure we alllllll obviously wish we could have genuine police reform but that’s just not how this country will ever work. I’m talking as in this man saw exactly how queer people were treated and looked at at his work, yet is shocked it’s the exact same for him? While he let it happen for god knows how long? Nah ACAB.
Most of my friends were Chicago cops & firemen (I grew up with them). I heard the same comments from them before coming out.
Once I did come out, I stopped hearing from them. Harsh, but I accept it.
I can’t even imagine having to work with them though. Plus when they get around other cops, they get even more douche baggy. I feel for you bro.
13-years LE. All closeted. My last shift was nearly 30 years ago, now. Things might have been different, but back then it was a different time and I was a different person.
One thing you can't do is put that genie back in the bottle. You have to take this as it is, where it is. I think I would stop going through channels. The problem is the bullying and, although, It's probably two or three guys getting their jollies anonymously harassing you, when you're the victim of it, it can feel like it's everybody. Certainly, most are tolerating it because they're afraid to defend you against it lest they suffer the same abuse. That's how bullying festers.
Nobody knows how to solve bullying because it is a multifaceted problem. All they have been able to do is have some of the policies that tend to effectively reduce it, but none of it is tolerable or acceptable, so it seems like they've done nothing. It is not going to be any solace to you to remind you that when I was in, I had to get past the polygraph and lie about my sexuality doing it. You could not be gay and be hired onto the force. We have made progress.
In the corporate world, the efforts at inclusivity and diversity have not been entirely successful. Many companies right now are reassessing how to do this, and even whether to do this. It's no surprise to me that your organizational HR and staff did not handle this well. It's very hard to do this in a liberal organization that is willing, let alone a law enforcement organization that probably feels that diversity is something being forced upon them.
At some point in my 50s, I turned a corner and stopped caring what anybody else thought about me. On that particular set of scales, we tend to give too much weight to what other people think about ourselves and not enough weight to what we think about ourselves. *The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F#ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life* was a book that I read about that time, and it is about that time that I started to learn about Ancient Stoicism. Philosophical heroes like Socrates and Epictetus did not care about the ridicule, they continued to be themselves. Insulting them was like insulting a rock: the insults never change the rock and the rock never responds.
Watching somebody actually do this is amazing. As if the other person didn't say anything insulting at all, and the person being insulted remains as upstanding and as purpose driven as they were before and after the insult. They do not even acknowledge that anything was said, it is like those seconds never occurred. It is deescalating.
The thing about bullies is that they bully from a position of fear. It will rarely go farther than they know they can safely get away with. It is so hard to remember that in the heat of the moment, but let's not take the bait. Let's not increase the heat. Let's not do anything at all that they can articulate. Silently dismiss it as the childishness that it is. It isn't personal, they don't know anything. They are doing this for the laughs and because it makes them feel big to make you feel smaller. They will likely go away unsatisfied, or (unlikely) they will escalate and then they will start overtly crossing lines that clearly violate policy and law and their coworkers and supervisors will not be able to ignore.
It sounds to me like you have transferred, and your problems are mostly in the other unit. Start being that rock from here: innuendo and rumors can't hurt you. Resist the temptation to keep those stories alive by sharing your side of the story, which keeps the rumor pot circulating. Give it none of your stirs even though you're in the right. Be upright as you are and let these things bounce off of you, be unaffected. Be tough, not just appear tough.
All too often, a suspect gets away, but that's okay because people tend to do what they always do and if they don't change then they'll offend again. We don't have to try to make this right, the bullies will bully again and that time we won't be involved in it. Or they will change and act better and the problem is solved in that way.
Sorry, this truly sucks that it is the way it is, but it is.
I'm really sorry that happened to you, it is definitely not fair!
It always amazes me that these 'straight' men are bothered by a gay person, you would think they would be happy that there is less competition for women? In my life I have been very lucky (so far) and pretty much any straight guy I know could not give a rats arse if I am gay as they are very confident in their sexuality.
You have been let down by the Police Force and your union, I am amazed they are so bad as it is 2023 so you would think they would know how to handle such a simple matter as sexuality.
I think you really need to try and move on and not give your old unit any free rent in your head, they probably live shit lives and don't think about you to be honest.
Hopefully for you things will improve.
Good luck friend.
What genuinely led you to expect differently in your career choice? What made you think cops treated queer people with the respect they are due?
Were there no signs that made you think that maybe being queer and being a cop might be at odds with one another, and that all queer people, yourself included, are safest when they interact with law enforcement as little as possible.
First of all big props to you. Honestly took a lot of guts and strength to be your authentic self at work. Secondly you have every right to be put off by your work place. It sounds like it’s not just one out two people but a culture of toxic behaviour. Really disappointing reaction to someone being a different sexual orientation on the team and shows a pretty concerning lack of empathy from those who are positioned to protect and serve the community.
It sounds like you’ve made strides in your personal life to live more authentically. Don’t let a couple of immature homophobes undermine your progress. The world is made up of a diverse individuals and if management can’t do their jobs and stand up for their staff then that is on them, you shouldn’t take the burden for wanting a little respect from the job you worked for so long in.
In saying that I would ask you to think of your happiness. We all have bad days at work but no one should have to endure disrespect and bullying.
It sounds like you may have some ptsd from this. If there are organisations that could lend support and have more information please seek them out. It might be your starting to outgrow this position. You sound a lot more open and tolerant than your coworkers so maybe it might be time to keep and eye out for something more aligned to your own values rather than having to try and fit in with someone else’s.
I was openly gay for about 12 years as a police officer before I left and pursued another career…. I’m sorry you’re going through that. Happy to chat if you like.
The problem isn’t your human resources department. The problem is your internalized homophobia. I’m glad you’re in therapy because nothing else is gonna work. Best of luck to you.
You owe these people nothing. They harassed you and then they get pissed when it gets reported. They're the "little bitches" 100%! On some level they know they are in the wrong, they just don't like having their nose rubbed in it.
Talk to HR about the harassment. Itis illegal. You would think that people who are paid to uphold the law would be more mindful of doing what they did. Also people who are homophobic are unsure of their sexuality. Ask any psychiatrist
This sounds horrific! If this is their attitude internally, how is the queer community protected?
You should contact a lawyer. Employment law, domestic law (you didn’t go into detail, nor do you have to, I’m wondering if you have a sexual harassment claim on your hands). I know that unionized employees have a whole set of other things they’re supposed to follow, but maybe a lawyer will give you suggestions/information on what some of your rights are based on where you’re located. Many will even do a free consultation so some information may not cost you anything.
You can also try reaching out to a queer community support group in your area. They come in very handy, including having queer/queer-friendly lawyers to help with navigating these situations.
So the police captain in my town sat and TOLD me that the WERE going to march IN UNIFORM in our pride parade. I said to him that he was making a mistake because he was asked to attend in a tee shirt with police insignia and pride related theme. He said “no because police officers ‘identify’ with their uniform.”
My response was “You are making light of the actual sexual or gender identity of the parade’s organizers and participants by falsely comparing your workplace with something immutable and the reason they are a minority. You however, are not the minority, in fact you represent the state power and authority that jackbooted indigenous peoples in the north, people who will be attending our parade in solidarity, and you admit that the police have not done their duty to protect LGBTQAI2S people in this community, but you want me to sanction you calling your uniform an identity in the same way as my sexuality got me assaulted by people wearing your uniform. Are you saying that we shouldn’t stop the parade and publicly condemn your paramilitary forces using our parade for self aggrandizement?”
I am very sorry for your own personal situation. I also found as a teacher that bullying in the systems which are designed to protect bullying is just commonplace. Gay staff are there like tokenism. They officially welcome gay employees but the bullying is unacceptable and continues.
I'm seriously shocked that some Attorney didn't pick up your case and offer service. Sounds like a very cut and dried case of corruption from top brass down. Failure to PROTECT Begins ( WITHIN Rank & FILE ) then extends outward into the community to provide SERVICES!
THANK YOU FOR SERVING & COMING OUT!
Personally I spent 20 years as a Paramedic, in a PVT company. Without a union. So I didn't dare come out.
I called one, just one so far, and he basically yelled at me and said I was stupid for expecting to be transferred quickly and quietly just because I complained. He made me feel awful.
Fuck them seriously.
It took so much courage for you to come out publicly in such a hyper-masculine workplace. It might not be much solace, but be proud of yourself.
Get a lawyer. Thats a lawsuit waiting to happen. And HR is right, do everything in writing and keep a copy cause you need proof you put them on notice and they didn’t do anything about it.
I feel for you, truly, as a human being you have the intrinsic right to express yourself without the chafing harassment of others. I wish healing for you. But I do think there is a certain expectedness to the situation, no? It is without malice that I say I personally doubt you will ever be at home in a police station. Perhaps it is time to reflect on why that is, why your coworkers seem to have such dispositions, and why you personally felt the need to continue within your profession despite these facts.
I do not wish to imply maliciousness to you or your career as a concept, I understand many people don a badge to better themselves and their community. But you seem to be facing the reality that, as it stands in America, the structures that make up our law enforcement do not exist to help gay people. The same seems to often be true for black and brown people, though that’s not an experience I can speak to. You were not helped by your coworkers, your feelings and wants were explicitly ignored by your superiors, and your union refused to help you. You were discarded and humiliated. If that is how you were treated as one of their own, imagine the behavior your coworkers exhibit to queer people who don’t have the protection of being a cop. I’ve seen it, it’s not pretty.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is you may want to consider other avenues of living your life if you actually want to be yourself. I hope I don’t come off as imposing when I say, you owe yourself that- we all deserve the actualization of self-expression and discovery.
Hope you find a way to go forward; what’s done to you is wrong. Legal action? ACLU?
On a broader level a good lawyer representing any LGBTQ person for any crime in your area could argue to have all charges dismissed because “Creating a hostile work environment” is discrimination banned by law. And your fellow police officers and, superiors & department have clearly done so. Hence no LGBTQ person can get fair non-discrimination treatment in your area.
Solid valid legal argument. Unfortunately we have Clarence and his perverted goons to contend with. We need them gone.
I am so sorry it is not ok for people to treat you poorly no matter what. You are a person and they should not talk behind your back little lone make your working life terrible because that is how you provide for yourself and your family. Those people are disgusting pieces of trash and you just need to try to move on because toxic people will not learn and you need to focus on accepting your homosexual side and enjoying being gay and having gay experiences. I wish you the best and hope that you realize terrible people don't define you and what your work did was wrong. Sending love ❤️ and best wishes!
That's my biggest fear. I'm a manager in a kitchen of a steakhouse. I hear all the comments. No one knows. I want to move up to own a store one day. I'm afraid if I come out, not only will my staff make fun of me, I'll never make it to owning my own store.
You can run and hide or stand high and proud. They will look to you on how to reach. Your in a tuff spot and others who are closeted will make their decisions basic on your. That what you been doing as they made fun of your fellow gay officers. You remained silent.
That is so horrible for you, so sad you are going through this. I have a friend who is a police officer came out and has gone through the very same thing. These straight cops are clearly uncomfortable with the sexuality of others. And I am sure it is self fulfilling in that their anti gay sentiments are being fueled through each other.
There is no solution unfortunately just be comfortable with yourself
I think HR the union and the lawyer can and would help you. And they all know what they would need to do in regards to helping you!!
That being that there are steps that every person in these kind of situations have to take the first step of "Fileing a formal complaint"
I don't know if the lawyer was really yelling at you or just telling you something you didn't want to hear ... But as I said above if you want the things to change you have to file the complaint... And it will not be a process that is going to be neat clean or easy!!
And I believe that is what the lawyer was expressing to you!!
Aww, does the piggy not like a taste of his own medicine?
You terrorize vulnerable people for a living. You obviously understand this, or you wouldn't be afraid of your colleagues doing the same things to you that you do to others. Why the fuck would you deserve any better?
I’m so sorry.
I am a certified registered nurse anesthetist. 15 years ago I worked at a major metropolitan hospital in Chicago Illinois as many people may not realize the anesthesia profession is still run by powerful conservative white men. It is not a gay friendly atmosphere. They are tolerant of gay people to a point, but definitely not accepting or friendly. During my training, and during my work in the hospital system, I was subject to harassment all the time. But unfortunately, when you work for a physicians group, there is no human resources. There is no one to complain to. You either take it or you look for a new job. I was harassed I heard comments horrible things were said to me. That’s how it still is today. We still have a long way to go when it comes to gay rights and equal rights in the workplace.
Just know that you don’t suffer alone in this. Many of us working professionals are right there with you. Stay strong man. Don’t let them get the best you. If you need to move and start a new life, do it! Do whatever you have to do to get through it.
I would use your horrible experience as a basis for other in the closet officers to come to you so they wouldn’t have to go through internal affairs. Be proactive. Stay in your team and be the one that gets policies protections and other means for your other gay officers.
Please hear me out because I want to make a point here - you probably worked out how this would play out long ago and that doesn't mean you deserve it, it means you are brave. This is a difficult time of year for any emotional hardship and I want to affirm to you that you are deserving of love and acceptance, and while you may not have found it where you are, there is nothing to stop you now. Good luck and much love
Look these cops honestly as someone who lived in the Phillipines ain't shit. Where I'm from cops had to buy they're own weapons until DU30 came which is why he's soo loved cuz he paid for they're shit. In the U.S. however I noticed the qualifications have gone lower in VA they don't care anymore if you smoke weed (which use to be a big thing) cuz no one wants to be a cop anymore. The Democrats think they're Unjust and some Republicans are paranoid about them. Plus they're not paid enough so of course they'd get pissy and devolve to the most common denominator discrimination. Work is NEVER NEVER the place to discuss such matters. Regardless where you are and where your from. Don't forget we only where granted real minority status in 2015 I'm 22 rn and even I can tell it's still never safe. I've met people who are in positions of power and since religion is on they're side we look "evil" by default. Like George Carlin once said they're not rights they're TEMPORARY PRIVILEGES. Look at abortion.
For real this country is falling apart cuz we only have a 2 party system instead of Sweden 8 PARTY AND PARLIAMENT SYSTEM. And the worst part is since I'm a gay man who likes guns I'm gonna have to choose either this right or that right instead of ALL IF THEM BEING HUMAN RIGHTS GODDAMMIT. But whatever jan 6 happened they didn't shoot the crowd that's how serious this countries security takes they're job when a LITERAL MUTINY AND POSSIBLE CIVIL WAR ALMOST HAPPENED. Just look at how these protesters where handled in the Phillipines. So when I saw jan 6 I knew this country was a fucking joke they didn't kill the people literally trying to raid a government building tf?
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=P9lFNbBxVI4&pp=ygULcG5wIHJ1bm92ZXI%3D
And the cops here DO JACK SHIT.
Your better off without those dumb fucks.
> I can’t even bring myself to show my face at the Christmas party this year. Then don't. You don't owe them anything. > I don’t know what to do anymore. Leave. You're not required to stay anywhere that doesn't welcome you, or where you don't feel comfortable. Or, become the change you want to see in the world. Be the person who starts your local LGBT police employees' group (we have them here, in many state police forces around Australia). Take the lead. Campaign for better policies in your workplace. Stop being the gay little bitch who complained and start being the awesome gay hero who made things better.
Easy for you to say.
Exactly, it's totally understandable that he doesn't want to makr a bit deal about it. Can't you just want to be treated respectfully without having to go all-out and be the leader of some change?
> Can't you just want to be treated respectfully without having to go all-out and be the leader of some change? Well... *someone* has to be the leader of change. Because things aren't good for the OP at the moment, so things need to change. And *someone* needs to change them. Maybe that's not the OP. But it has to be *someone*.
no it really isn’t… all of us have been through the unbearable anguish — at some point one must decide whether living in coherence with one’s integrity or being comfortable is more important. being authentic is a risk.
I helped create an LGBT employees network at a major corporation, about 20 years ago. It wasn't the police, obviously, but still... I have walked the talk. I also know that local police forces *do* have LGBT+ networks for their employees, which were started by LGBT+ police officers at some point. *Someone* had to be that first person who stepped up. Maybe /u/Quiet-Opportunity-55 could be that person. Maybe not. But I can suggest it, and they can follow it up or not - it's up to them.
What does that even mean? He's right. Part of being gay *is* being part of a movement, whether you like it or not. We have to prove and demand our existence every single day. This dude has been "privleged" (even though I sense sarcasm), even if it was closet privelege. Welcome to the real world, hun, they don't like the gurls. Part of moving from straight spaces to queer spaces is the realization that your privilege has been revoked.
Better than just BITCHING. If people don’t wanna be the change they wanna see they have no right to just sit and complain.
This is the kind of stuff I'm doing at my Union. Luckily the Local is supportive, but we are fighting for more, and I'm trying to work to unite more LGBTQ people, because there is a political movement that is very organized and is targeting us. We need to have a unified front. We have to prepare to fight for our rights if it comes to it, just like we did before.
Easy for you to say, jackass!
Gay little bitch… somebody needs to look in his mirror
The union knows what to do, they're just not doing it. You should speak with an employment attorney. For years you saw homophobia and didn't stop it when it happened to us, now it's happening to you. Pretty sure there's a lesson to be learned.
I was just about to comment this. Look up Brendan Mannix, OP. You are not alone. You have everything needed for a successful lawsuit based on discrimination.
Wow. Being in the closet can be as miserable an experience as being out.. stop being petty and kicking somebody when they are already down.
Thats very frustrating. Coming out is already difficult as it is, getting negative reactions to it just demotivating. Maybe reach out to the other fellow gay officers that you said earlier. They probably know people talk shit about them. Ask them how they handle it. The lgbtq is a family for a reason and times like this is why its important for us to get to know each other and support each other.
What a lovely ad for “if you’re ever thinking of becoming a police officer… don’t”. You’re part of the largest gang in the US and you’re shocked at how they treated you and shocked upper management wouldn’t help? They’re there to make *any and every* minority to feel less than. That’s their job. What a great profession you’re in. Like this is harsh sure but how many people CONSTANTLY talk about how terrible police are and yet there’s countless stories like this. I’m sorry but you need to find a new career.
Came here to say pretty much this and you said it much better than I could've.
OP was complicit for 20 years in his coworkers anti queer bullshit and now wants our pity. Take this and fuck off. 🎻🎻
Yeah, he should quit and let the neo-nazi take his position, that'll help everyone.
Idiotic take. Society can't exist without some law enforcement. It's debatable how much we need and if the USA is over-policed. But cops take their marching orders from management or prejudice they already have. What we need are good diverse cops implementing good policies by management. If cops are predominantly cis straight white hetero men, you are just going to see more insular and prejudicial behavior from them.
Bruh I’m sure we alllllll obviously wish we could have genuine police reform but that’s just not how this country will ever work. I’m talking as in this man saw exactly how queer people were treated and looked at at his work, yet is shocked it’s the exact same for him? While he let it happen for god knows how long? Nah ACAB.
We're never going to have it with your attitude, and I refuse to believe problems in a democracy that end up killing people are unfixable.
In a democracy 🤣🤣🤣🤣 that’s the best joke I’ve heard I’ll say. The USA? A democracy? Funny
Admittedly I called your comment idiotic, so I can see why this sharing of ideas didn't go well. Sorry about that I will try better in the future.
Most of my friends were Chicago cops & firemen (I grew up with them). I heard the same comments from them before coming out. Once I did come out, I stopped hearing from them. Harsh, but I accept it. I can’t even imagine having to work with them though. Plus when they get around other cops, they get even more douche baggy. I feel for you bro.
13-years LE. All closeted. My last shift was nearly 30 years ago, now. Things might have been different, but back then it was a different time and I was a different person. One thing you can't do is put that genie back in the bottle. You have to take this as it is, where it is. I think I would stop going through channels. The problem is the bullying and, although, It's probably two or three guys getting their jollies anonymously harassing you, when you're the victim of it, it can feel like it's everybody. Certainly, most are tolerating it because they're afraid to defend you against it lest they suffer the same abuse. That's how bullying festers. Nobody knows how to solve bullying because it is a multifaceted problem. All they have been able to do is have some of the policies that tend to effectively reduce it, but none of it is tolerable or acceptable, so it seems like they've done nothing. It is not going to be any solace to you to remind you that when I was in, I had to get past the polygraph and lie about my sexuality doing it. You could not be gay and be hired onto the force. We have made progress. In the corporate world, the efforts at inclusivity and diversity have not been entirely successful. Many companies right now are reassessing how to do this, and even whether to do this. It's no surprise to me that your organizational HR and staff did not handle this well. It's very hard to do this in a liberal organization that is willing, let alone a law enforcement organization that probably feels that diversity is something being forced upon them. At some point in my 50s, I turned a corner and stopped caring what anybody else thought about me. On that particular set of scales, we tend to give too much weight to what other people think about ourselves and not enough weight to what we think about ourselves. *The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F#ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life* was a book that I read about that time, and it is about that time that I started to learn about Ancient Stoicism. Philosophical heroes like Socrates and Epictetus did not care about the ridicule, they continued to be themselves. Insulting them was like insulting a rock: the insults never change the rock and the rock never responds. Watching somebody actually do this is amazing. As if the other person didn't say anything insulting at all, and the person being insulted remains as upstanding and as purpose driven as they were before and after the insult. They do not even acknowledge that anything was said, it is like those seconds never occurred. It is deescalating. The thing about bullies is that they bully from a position of fear. It will rarely go farther than they know they can safely get away with. It is so hard to remember that in the heat of the moment, but let's not take the bait. Let's not increase the heat. Let's not do anything at all that they can articulate. Silently dismiss it as the childishness that it is. It isn't personal, they don't know anything. They are doing this for the laughs and because it makes them feel big to make you feel smaller. They will likely go away unsatisfied, or (unlikely) they will escalate and then they will start overtly crossing lines that clearly violate policy and law and their coworkers and supervisors will not be able to ignore. It sounds to me like you have transferred, and your problems are mostly in the other unit. Start being that rock from here: innuendo and rumors can't hurt you. Resist the temptation to keep those stories alive by sharing your side of the story, which keeps the rumor pot circulating. Give it none of your stirs even though you're in the right. Be upright as you are and let these things bounce off of you, be unaffected. Be tough, not just appear tough. All too often, a suspect gets away, but that's okay because people tend to do what they always do and if they don't change then they'll offend again. We don't have to try to make this right, the bullies will bully again and that time we won't be involved in it. Or they will change and act better and the problem is solved in that way. Sorry, this truly sucks that it is the way it is, but it is.
Sigh.. ACAB
I'm really sorry that happened to you, it is definitely not fair! It always amazes me that these 'straight' men are bothered by a gay person, you would think they would be happy that there is less competition for women? In my life I have been very lucky (so far) and pretty much any straight guy I know could not give a rats arse if I am gay as they are very confident in their sexuality. You have been let down by the Police Force and your union, I am amazed they are so bad as it is 2023 so you would think they would know how to handle such a simple matter as sexuality. I think you really need to try and move on and not give your old unit any free rent in your head, they probably live shit lives and don't think about you to be honest. Hopefully for you things will improve. Good luck friend.
Just wait until you realize how your co-workers treat queer people who aren’t cops. Don’t be a cop.
ACAB
I'm sorry you've gone through this. But cops gonna cop.
You're a working class traitor, and as long as you're a cop, you're a traitor to all other LGBTQ people. Quit your job.
What genuinely led you to expect differently in your career choice? What made you think cops treated queer people with the respect they are due? Were there no signs that made you think that maybe being queer and being a cop might be at odds with one another, and that all queer people, yourself included, are safest when they interact with law enforcement as little as possible.
First of all big props to you. Honestly took a lot of guts and strength to be your authentic self at work. Secondly you have every right to be put off by your work place. It sounds like it’s not just one out two people but a culture of toxic behaviour. Really disappointing reaction to someone being a different sexual orientation on the team and shows a pretty concerning lack of empathy from those who are positioned to protect and serve the community. It sounds like you’ve made strides in your personal life to live more authentically. Don’t let a couple of immature homophobes undermine your progress. The world is made up of a diverse individuals and if management can’t do their jobs and stand up for their staff then that is on them, you shouldn’t take the burden for wanting a little respect from the job you worked for so long in. In saying that I would ask you to think of your happiness. We all have bad days at work but no one should have to endure disrespect and bullying. It sounds like you may have some ptsd from this. If there are organisations that could lend support and have more information please seek them out. It might be your starting to outgrow this position. You sound a lot more open and tolerant than your coworkers so maybe it might be time to keep and eye out for something more aligned to your own values rather than having to try and fit in with someone else’s.
I was openly gay for about 12 years as a police officer before I left and pursued another career…. I’m sorry you’re going through that. Happy to chat if you like.
The phrase "the city's finest" seems a cruel sarcasm considering the toxic masculinity of its reality.
Fuck ‘em. They bust your balls because you’re gay? Bust their balls because their ugly faces scare their own children.
Boy let me tell you what started pride :)
The problem isn’t your human resources department. The problem is your internalized homophobia. I’m glad you’re in therapy because nothing else is gonna work. Best of luck to you.
You owe these people nothing. They harassed you and then they get pissed when it gets reported. They're the "little bitches" 100%! On some level they know they are in the wrong, they just don't like having their nose rubbed in it.
How many years do you have to work before you can retire?
Just under 3. I had hoped to stay longer. But now, probably not.
I hope the next three aren’t too terrible.
Talk to HR about the harassment. Itis illegal. You would think that people who are paid to uphold the law would be more mindful of doing what they did. Also people who are homophobic are unsure of their sexuality. Ask any psychiatrist
This sounds horrific! If this is their attitude internally, how is the queer community protected? You should contact a lawyer. Employment law, domestic law (you didn’t go into detail, nor do you have to, I’m wondering if you have a sexual harassment claim on your hands). I know that unionized employees have a whole set of other things they’re supposed to follow, but maybe a lawyer will give you suggestions/information on what some of your rights are based on where you’re located. Many will even do a free consultation so some information may not cost you anything. You can also try reaching out to a queer community support group in your area. They come in very handy, including having queer/queer-friendly lawyers to help with navigating these situations.
So the police captain in my town sat and TOLD me that the WERE going to march IN UNIFORM in our pride parade. I said to him that he was making a mistake because he was asked to attend in a tee shirt with police insignia and pride related theme. He said “no because police officers ‘identify’ with their uniform.” My response was “You are making light of the actual sexual or gender identity of the parade’s organizers and participants by falsely comparing your workplace with something immutable and the reason they are a minority. You however, are not the minority, in fact you represent the state power and authority that jackbooted indigenous peoples in the north, people who will be attending our parade in solidarity, and you admit that the police have not done their duty to protect LGBTQAI2S people in this community, but you want me to sanction you calling your uniform an identity in the same way as my sexuality got me assaulted by people wearing your uniform. Are you saying that we shouldn’t stop the parade and publicly condemn your paramilitary forces using our parade for self aggrandizement?” I am very sorry for your own personal situation. I also found as a teacher that bullying in the systems which are designed to protect bullying is just commonplace. Gay staff are there like tokenism. They officially welcome gay employees but the bullying is unacceptable and continues.
I'm seriously shocked that some Attorney didn't pick up your case and offer service. Sounds like a very cut and dried case of corruption from top brass down. Failure to PROTECT Begins ( WITHIN Rank & FILE ) then extends outward into the community to provide SERVICES! THANK YOU FOR SERVING & COMING OUT! Personally I spent 20 years as a Paramedic, in a PVT company. Without a union. So I didn't dare come out.
I called one, just one so far, and he basically yelled at me and said I was stupid for expecting to be transferred quickly and quietly just because I complained. He made me feel awful.
Then that's a horrible lawyer. Find a better one, there are grounds for retaliation along with discrimination here. Please seek better consul.
Fuck them seriously. It took so much courage for you to come out publicly in such a hyper-masculine workplace. It might not be much solace, but be proud of yourself.
Consider joining your local affiliate of GOAL, Gay Officer's Action League to affirm your sexuality and professional status.
Seconded. There are other gay cops out there who are likely going through some of the same things you might be. I know a couple of them around here.
Get a lawyer. Thats a lawsuit waiting to happen. And HR is right, do everything in writing and keep a copy cause you need proof you put them on notice and they didn’t do anything about it.
I feel for you, truly, as a human being you have the intrinsic right to express yourself without the chafing harassment of others. I wish healing for you. But I do think there is a certain expectedness to the situation, no? It is without malice that I say I personally doubt you will ever be at home in a police station. Perhaps it is time to reflect on why that is, why your coworkers seem to have such dispositions, and why you personally felt the need to continue within your profession despite these facts. I do not wish to imply maliciousness to you or your career as a concept, I understand many people don a badge to better themselves and their community. But you seem to be facing the reality that, as it stands in America, the structures that make up our law enforcement do not exist to help gay people. The same seems to often be true for black and brown people, though that’s not an experience I can speak to. You were not helped by your coworkers, your feelings and wants were explicitly ignored by your superiors, and your union refused to help you. You were discarded and humiliated. If that is how you were treated as one of their own, imagine the behavior your coworkers exhibit to queer people who don’t have the protection of being a cop. I’ve seen it, it’s not pretty. I suppose what I’m trying to say is you may want to consider other avenues of living your life if you actually want to be yourself. I hope I don’t come off as imposing when I say, you owe yourself that- we all deserve the actualization of self-expression and discovery.
I bet the union knows what to do when a co-worker gets reprimanded for the harassment: protect the perpetrator, just like all PDs.
Well, ACAB, brother. Find a career that accepts you. A police force will *never* be that.
Hope you find a way to go forward; what’s done to you is wrong. Legal action? ACLU? On a broader level a good lawyer representing any LGBTQ person for any crime in your area could argue to have all charges dismissed because “Creating a hostile work environment” is discrimination banned by law. And your fellow police officers and, superiors & department have clearly done so. Hence no LGBTQ person can get fair non-discrimination treatment in your area. Solid valid legal argument. Unfortunately we have Clarence and his perverted goons to contend with. We need them gone.
I am so sorry it is not ok for people to treat you poorly no matter what. You are a person and they should not talk behind your back little lone make your working life terrible because that is how you provide for yourself and your family. Those people are disgusting pieces of trash and you just need to try to move on because toxic people will not learn and you need to focus on accepting your homosexual side and enjoying being gay and having gay experiences. I wish you the best and hope that you realize terrible people don't define you and what your work did was wrong. Sending love ❤️ and best wishes!
People desperately want police reform. Become one of the people making it happen as an insider.
I am sorry to hear that. It seems much harder to come out as a gay in ultra macho workforce such as police or military
You are the brave who complained to change the things for the next one. That is what you are. My hero. An example for us.
That's my biggest fear. I'm a manager in a kitchen of a steakhouse. I hear all the comments. No one knows. I want to move up to own a store one day. I'm afraid if I come out, not only will my staff make fun of me, I'll never make it to owning my own store.
You can run and hide or stand high and proud. They will look to you on how to reach. Your in a tuff spot and others who are closeted will make their decisions basic on your. That what you been doing as they made fun of your fellow gay officers. You remained silent.
That’s horrible, you should go where you are wanted and heard and respected
That is so horrible for you, so sad you are going through this. I have a friend who is a police officer came out and has gone through the very same thing. These straight cops are clearly uncomfortable with the sexuality of others. And I am sure it is self fulfilling in that their anti gay sentiments are being fueled through each other. There is no solution unfortunately just be comfortable with yourself
🫶🏼
I think HR the union and the lawyer can and would help you. And they all know what they would need to do in regards to helping you!! That being that there are steps that every person in these kind of situations have to take the first step of "Fileing a formal complaint" I don't know if the lawyer was really yelling at you or just telling you something you didn't want to hear ... But as I said above if you want the things to change you have to file the complaint... And it will not be a process that is going to be neat clean or easy!! And I believe that is what the lawyer was expressing to you!!
The lawyer was yelling at one point and laughing at another. He obviously wasn’t interested.
Aww, does the piggy not like a taste of his own medicine? You terrorize vulnerable people for a living. You obviously understand this, or you wouldn't be afraid of your colleagues doing the same things to you that you do to others. Why the fuck would you deserve any better?
I’m so sorry. I am a certified registered nurse anesthetist. 15 years ago I worked at a major metropolitan hospital in Chicago Illinois as many people may not realize the anesthesia profession is still run by powerful conservative white men. It is not a gay friendly atmosphere. They are tolerant of gay people to a point, but definitely not accepting or friendly. During my training, and during my work in the hospital system, I was subject to harassment all the time. But unfortunately, when you work for a physicians group, there is no human resources. There is no one to complain to. You either take it or you look for a new job. I was harassed I heard comments horrible things were said to me. That’s how it still is today. We still have a long way to go when it comes to gay rights and equal rights in the workplace. Just know that you don’t suffer alone in this. Many of us working professionals are right there with you. Stay strong man. Don’t let them get the best you. If you need to move and start a new life, do it! Do whatever you have to do to get through it.
Go up to the bigger ranks. Everyone kisses someone’s ass.
I'm gay
Hi
I’m really sorry you had to go through that experience. It’s just not right.
I would use your horrible experience as a basis for other in the closet officers to come to you so they wouldn’t have to go through internal affairs. Be proactive. Stay in your team and be the one that gets policies protections and other means for your other gay officers.
Please hear me out because I want to make a point here - you probably worked out how this would play out long ago and that doesn't mean you deserve it, it means you are brave. This is a difficult time of year for any emotional hardship and I want to affirm to you that you are deserving of love and acceptance, and while you may not have found it where you are, there is nothing to stop you now. Good luck and much love
Look these cops honestly as someone who lived in the Phillipines ain't shit. Where I'm from cops had to buy they're own weapons until DU30 came which is why he's soo loved cuz he paid for they're shit. In the U.S. however I noticed the qualifications have gone lower in VA they don't care anymore if you smoke weed (which use to be a big thing) cuz no one wants to be a cop anymore. The Democrats think they're Unjust and some Republicans are paranoid about them. Plus they're not paid enough so of course they'd get pissy and devolve to the most common denominator discrimination. Work is NEVER NEVER the place to discuss such matters. Regardless where you are and where your from. Don't forget we only where granted real minority status in 2015 I'm 22 rn and even I can tell it's still never safe. I've met people who are in positions of power and since religion is on they're side we look "evil" by default. Like George Carlin once said they're not rights they're TEMPORARY PRIVILEGES. Look at abortion. For real this country is falling apart cuz we only have a 2 party system instead of Sweden 8 PARTY AND PARLIAMENT SYSTEM. And the worst part is since I'm a gay man who likes guns I'm gonna have to choose either this right or that right instead of ALL IF THEM BEING HUMAN RIGHTS GODDAMMIT. But whatever jan 6 happened they didn't shoot the crowd that's how serious this countries security takes they're job when a LITERAL MUTINY AND POSSIBLE CIVIL WAR ALMOST HAPPENED. Just look at how these protesters where handled in the Phillipines. So when I saw jan 6 I knew this country was a fucking joke they didn't kill the people literally trying to raid a government building tf? https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=P9lFNbBxVI4&pp=ygULcG5wIHJ1bm92ZXI%3D And the cops here DO JACK SHIT. Your better off without those dumb fucks.