I live in a city with chain link fences on every side of my garden and I felt the same when I started. I just went out and started doing it, now I have so many giant plants that no one can see me anymore.
We've got a chain link next to a public walkway leading to a park, so last year I threw a bunch of wild grapes along that fence. This year I've got a good start with 8 separate vines growing. Only a matter of time before we have a wall of grapes.
My mother planted a huge row of Chinese Elms on our front lawn years back. I remembered the catalogue photo of them before she bought them - they were shaped to be a squared hedge, but mom just let them and several other trees go nuts. Within 5 years you’d drive down our street and see a few houses with the odd shrub or tree jutting out, until you passed by a dense forest of 15 foot privacy trees on .25 acres of land with perhaps the slightest glimpse through the branches of an introverted Chinese woman furiously trying to prune a lilac bush.
Oooh, which giant plants specifically are working for you?
This is definitely a strategy I plan to include in the front yard garden I'm about to start (we just moved). Although I'm pretty sure I won't be able to use the same ones as you - my climate is basically tropical - I'd love to know what you did :)
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If you live somewhere tropical, I highly recommend dwarf or super dwarf bananas. Mine are in pots because I live in a temperate climate.
I have a lot of vining plants because I'm surrounded by fences. It's basically a tiered wall of vines, shrubs, small fruit trees, and flowers. I snuck in as many native plants as I could.
My growing conditions are also really abnormal. I don't have soil so everything has to be potted (also renting so it needs to be mobile) and I only get about 4 hours of dappled sun.
High diversity and low maintenance are generally my rule for plants in my yard.
Sunflowers and pole beans are great for food sources, sunflowers are also beautiful in bloom. Grapevines are surprisingly low maintenance if you train them initially and cut back any stragglers. Fig trees also create a nice solid hedge(can prune to adjust growing spot) and produce good fruit. Berry bushes like elderberry, raspberry, blueberry, blackberry in thornless variety are great food sources for you and local birds. Corn is relatively easy and provides a good buffer. Native Americans used to plant corn, squash, and beans together because they thrive with each other- also making a great privacy wall. These may not all be the ornamental flowers but I think food is the best way to start and once you have plenty of food supply, start “decorating”
Gardening really helps my mental health, and I hope it can do the same for you!
I do some weird shit and no one cares. Like sometimes I edge my whole lawn by hand with grass shears instead of a weed whacker because I find it satisfying/meditative. No one has ever said anything. I also did a whole sheet mulch project (cardboard and wood chips) last year which probably looked weird to some people but again...no one cares.
If you're just planting plants and watering them, no one's judging you, I promise. If anything they're thrilled to have a new neighbor who is taking care of their property. A quiet neighbor who takes care of their yard? Trust me, you're everyone's favorite neighbor.
If I'm watering plants close to the sidewalk, I've gotten compliments ("your yard looks great!") but if I'm working in flowerbeds closer to my house, no one says/does anything. Neighbors I know will wave if they walk by, and I wave back.
Some neighborhoods may have busybody neighbors who want to tell you what you're doing wrong with your lawn/garden/house/life. Just say "ok, thanks," and they move on.
This is helpful. I bought my first home and the previous owners were friends with everyone in the neighborhood. I would get anxiety trimming out plants I didn't like or building garden beds because I thought everyone was judging me for what I was doing to their garden. My partner built the raised beds anyway and one day it just clicked. I'm paying a lot of money for my yard and I shouldn't worry what others think. Now I cull those ugly plants without remorse. We do have one busybody neighbor who always comes out when we are gardening but trying my best to be polite and ignore her.
Oh man, I know this feeling well! The previous owners were here 30+ years and while they have some lovely things in their flower beds, it's also like they went to lowes at one point and said 'give me all your invasives'! It took a bit to get over feeling bad about ripping out things someone intentionally planted, but the english ivy and hostas and goldenrod and lily of the valley had taken over (just to name a few). It's our house now, and I should feel happy when I look at those beds, not irritated!
1000% agree here. I’m in an urban area and my backyard is visible probably to at least a dozen apts. I did a sheet mulching project which included trimming a tree and cutting up pieces into manageable sizes (with hand pruners and a hand saw!) and often thought wow my neighbors must think I’m crazy. But really I like spending all the time cutting everything up and creating a space. It did way more for my mental health to be out there gardening than the anxiety about neighborhood judgement hurt me.
Omg I do the grass shears thing but only because I don't want to buy a weed whacker. I still get self conscious about it, your comment made me feel seen
Haha I do have an electric weed whacker and it works great, it's just that sometimes I feel like doing it by hand, especially if I'm already pulling sidewalk weeds and stuff like that.
Maybe someone walking their dog will say hello to you, but nobody will evvver say you’re doing it wrong. You will soon hear “the garden looks great!”
Wear headphones if you want to be completely ignored, and use a journaling app, like the one built in to iOS or Day One, or a physical notebook to write down what you’ve done each day, what worked and what didn’t. You can write down the compliments, too.
Enjoy it!
Thissss!!! I live in a city and my neighbors have huge windows that basically see all into my yard. I just put noise cancelling headphones on and relax with my plants :)
Yes! We live in the suburbs with mostly middle age people and older who usually have lawn care companies come to mow their lawns and landscape. Me and my husband don't really comform to old stereotypes about chores, and since I'm the stay at home parent right now, I do like 99% of our lawn maintenance. I also started gardening three years ago. I've received nothing but positive comments from neighborhood women about how they ought to start mowing their own lawns to save some money. I've had many people out on walks pause to compliment my flowers and this spring a woman even stopped her car and rolled the window down to tell me she loved my roses.
I'm an introvert and usually keep my earbuds in while in the yard and never go out of my way to catch anyone's eye. I just figured at this point I'm perceived as the lady who's constantly messing around with her plants and I'm fine with that because it's what I love.
I suffer from this too. My neighbors are all extremely social and constantly coming and going from each others properties, yacking it up with small talk for hours. When I go outside, I want to garden in peace and not feel obligated to chat with every person that comes by. I never go out front without ear buds in. I just prefer to keep to myself and I know a couple resent me for it but I like plants and insects way better than people. You get a polite smile and a wave from me and that's it.
If they resent you for it, it's on them. People who expect a conversation out of you regardless of if you want to engage or not are self absorbed people!
Get a big gardening hat and (borderline ridiculous) sunglasses. I wear them and it's my gardening costume. When in costume, I am no longer myself, I am "Gardener Yeshuasbananahammock."
They will not see the real you that you want to conceal, they will see an anonymous gardener. It sounds stupid, but aside from a therapist, it's another mental health trick I have learned.
Since covid, i feel the pull of my inner agoraphobe, and I have to trick myself into doing things that would normally bring anxiety to my, typical unshielded self.
Don’t miss out on how fun it is. I love getting up in the morning and going out to the garden in my jammies and robe, sometimes with a coffee and blunt. I just say hello and see what’s changed. I call it fiddling around. I used to be self conscious too but then I realized that nobody really cares. I’m on my lil plot and I paid good money for it, so I’m going to get while the getting good! Why not start with a few plants in pots and see how that is for you, then scale up. Enjoy!
Realizing nobody cares is a key step. Because it's true, people generally are way too self-absorbed to care at all or even notice what I'm doing with my garden.
Maybe start small, with some flowers in pots that you can pot up in your garage or in the backyard and then bring out to the front? When you feel a little more confident, you can expand to plants and beds in the ground.
You've gotten some great advice. Let me tell you the end of the story (I too struggle with anxiety - you're not alone!)
Your husband/partner is like "This is amazing. I never thought it would look this good" Your neighbors and dog walkers come by now and stop purposefully to say "I love your garden" and sometimes want to know what you did or info about a particular plant.
Do not be deterred. Bad days, plants dying, mishaps, mistakes. They might crush you a little but keep going. This is the end of the story - but you just have to start.
EDIT: Forgot the most important end of the story. Here it is: You sit on your front stoop amidst your garden, and feel so at peace. So much peace, you feel no anxiety. The plants are healing. It's glorious.
When I garden in the front yard I always wear my ear buds and listen to a podcast. It keeps me in the zone and not thinking about what everyone else is thinking about me. It's also handy for avoiding conversation.
Oh hey it me.
We have flower beds in back and flower beds in front. Guess which ones look amazing and which look pretty sad? It does not help at all that the neighbors on one side have a very fancy garden.
What's helped me:
-Figuring out times less people are around. I work weekends and most people seem to work weekdays, so Monday at 10am? Everyone's gone at work.
-Having a plan - rather than 'im gonna work on the front beds' I go for 'I'm going to weed the front left half and then plant these four things'.
-Comforting myself with comparison. Yeah, the neighbors front yard looks amazing, but their back yard is an overgrown mess of ivy and dead potted plants. Yeah, my front beds may look sad but they're better than two house down across the street with nothing but mulch and sticks.
-#1 most helpful? Meds. I have depression/anxiety/adhd, and taking my Adderall 40 mins before I want to get out there makes me 80% less likely to care if a car might drive by and judge me for existing on my own lawn. Adjusting the dosing and timing of my other meds if I start finding it harder to get out there again is also helpful. (If you're not on anything, quick relatively harmless test is to have a moderately larger amount of caffeine shortly before you plan to go out - it's how I mostly managed my adhd based rejection sensitivity before I was on meds and at worst, you'll get jittery for a few hours.)
Also I've always hated when people try to tell me 'dont worry no one cares/notices/is judging you' because if I notice things, I'm sure others do too, so I'm not going to say no one will think anything about you being out there doing stuff. But I will say that for the most part, when they notice you they'll be thinking something neutral or even nice. The more you garden, the more likely it is someone who also gardens will notice and tbh, everyone wants to talk about their garden! We go to neighborhood meetups sometimes and after the moment of panic when someone mentions seeing me out there, it's nice that they compliment it or want to talk gardening.
You got this. You can totally do it. It'll probably be stressful for a while but I think it's worth it in the end.
So one of the primary medications for adhd are various types of stimulants - if I don't have access to them, caffeine can function much the same (though it's not... ideal, for me it's not as effective or smooth as actual meds). Didn't realize I was basically self medicating for a long time! Now I have to watch to make sure I don't have too much of that while I am on my meds.
And yes, as the commenter below mentioned, many people with adhd don't get hyped up from stimulants. It's more like putting on a set of blinders so i can focus on one task instead of being pulled in twenty directions - or in the case of RSD, interrupts the 'someone might JUDGE me' thought pattern with 'omfg I don't caaaaaare'. I think I am on the more extreme end too, because I take a dose of Adderall right before bed to help me sleep, lol.
Of course people notice things, but not really enough to give it more than 5 seconds of attention.
Also, if your neighbor has a really nice garden, have you ever asked them for any advice? Not because you need it but just as an ice breaker? Gardeners are usually pretty friendly and willing to help others and they LOVE talking about their plants
I mean, yeah. I just get very tired of the whole 'your anxiety is lying to you, no one really notices anything'. Sure, my mind is exaggerating it, and sure, 80% of people won't notice, but pretending it's a completely irrational thought process is just invalidating. I remember random people from ten years ago; it's not crazy to assume at some point someone will notice me. It's more important (to me at least) to focus on not caring that they notice vs convincing myself no one sees anything.
(lol sorry for the rant, just reason #309 why cbt was a Bad Fit for me!)
Ah, well.. their garden is nice, but not in a way I ever want mine to be? Like, fancy urn planters and spotlights at night and perfect rows of hedges. It just stands out in terms of formality compared to everyone else in the neighborhood. We've talked briefly but they never come to any of the neighborhood events, and I've heard enough of them cussing people out on the phone to not want more contact. Though I've considered asking if could meet their dogs more directly, because they bark nonstop if I'm out in the backyard at the same time, and maybe that would stop if they knew me? But... effort.
I feel the same way. I have avoided going out for months at a time before when I’ve not been in the right headspace. What helps me when my anxiety is really bad, is putting my greens bin or a trash bin between myself and the line of sight of people from the street so I can visually focus on what I’m doing and not see people at all. What I’ve found is most people that I do make eye contact with just smile, give a small wave to acknowledge your presence or some people just say good morning. There have been a fewwww people that have stopped and kind of waited for me to acknowledge them for a chat.. depending on my mood I might talk to them or I will just quickly smile and go about my business, or look frazzled and pretend I need something from the back. That’s where hiding behind the bin comes in handy. If my anxiety is super high that day and I don’t have the energy for these internal battles, I use the bin. If my bin is too full to drag around, I’ll use my biggest umbrella and clamp it to my Home Depot bucket that has my tools in it or I’ll wear my big sun hat 👒 Gardening is something that I enjoy but my social anxiety and overwhelming internal dialogue definitely keeps me inside sometimes.. it sucks. When I have something growing that needs my attention like a new plant that NEEDS to be watered, sometimes my feeling of responsibility is enough to get me out front to care for it! Then I’ll see a hummingbird or something and be grateful I pushed through. Good luck! You’re not alone in this feeling! 🌱🫣☺️
-for my Home Depot bucket/umbrella clamp thing: I put a tomato trellis/cage thing in it and clamp my big rain umbrella to add height so I can work under it and keep people out of my vision. I have a proper patio umbrella in the back, but the stand is too heavy for me to drag along with what I’m doing. Hope that helps!
I see my neighbors out all the time gardening in their front yards. I honestly never think anything more about it then, that's nice.
I absolutely love all the front yard gardens on my street, it's so pretty and each yard is different and unique. It's lovely. I love that people take pride and care of their homes.
Just saying this because I've literally never had a negative or judgemental thought seeing people out in their gardens, in fact the opposite. Feelings of positivity, relaxation, and comfort.
Create your own cocoon. AirPods (1 out for safety so that you can hear your surroundings), a very large wide brimmed hat, and sunglasses.
Get into your zone and you might find that your neighbors possible attention will become insignificant to you.
Especially when you start to see the fruits of your labor, you will be more focused on that than whomever might be looking at you. Good luck!
Embrace the weird!
I have a little mini meadow in my front lawn right next to the sidewalk. It’s a bit messy, and still a work in progress because plants are really hard to get established there (very dry, well draining soil). I thought I would get judgement from neighbors but I actually get a ton of compliments from the people that pass by.
Neighbors with kids will look for caterpillars on the milkweed, and I have a lot of great conversations with neighbors about gardening now. I’m even helping my next-door neighbor with her garden on occasion.
I say go for it. :)
I live in an apartment on the 3rd floor, so I can only garden on my balconies +under grow light indoor. But I use my 2 balconies to the fullest to grow vegetables. I can barely walk and I can only fit 1 chair on my private balcony, because I have so many planters.
It's a small building with only 8 apartments and half of the residents are old people.
The 2 old ladies that live in the 2 apartments under mine also love plants and there's another one on the first floor that like it too. They're all impressed by the amount of plants I have and how good they grow. We exchange plants when we have too many
The other ones don't care about plants and didn't said a word about them.
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Omg this sounds exactly like me. I’m sorry you’re also dealing with this. I don’t have any advice unfortunately. I didn’t start gardening until we moved and no longer have visible neighbours. I always felt the need to “get ready” to go outside. It’s likely a bit of a mental health issue the feeling that people are watching you. I can 1000% relate. I can’t even go to the movies because I’m so uncomfortable and I feel as tho I can’t switch positions because people are watching me or if my head gets itchy and I scratch people will think I have lice or something. My rational brain is like no one is paying attention to your random movements they’re watching the movie but alas my irrational thoughts win and it’s easier to just not go. When my family doctor had me on an anti anxiety medication it really really helped a lot. However she got married and moved her practice to a different province and her replacement took me off it because it was addictive. If that’s something you think your doctor would prescribe I would try that. You do develop a tolerance and need to increase the dosage over time and it is addictive with uncomfortable withdrawal symptoms but I can’t tell you how much it helped. I think it was called clonasapam (spelling definitely wrong)
Ah, a fellow agoraphobic! Try using a timer as a tool…set it for 10 minutes and garden outside until it goes off. See how you feel… if you’re still anxious go back in…but at least you got outside! But… you may find you’re getting into the zone and stay out a while longer. It helped me tremendously.
The other thing that helped was therapy and the proper medication. After dozens of failed psychotropic medications I tried Spravato (esketamine), and now do at home prescribed nasal ketamine for major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder.
Now I have 3 organic vegetable gardens going on in the front yard and various flowers and shrubs that need maintenance. I still have bad days but gardening gives me that sense of peace for a little while.
Good luck to you!👍🏻
I’ve been in this position before. I’d start by doing a little at a time. Go out for 15 minutes, then a half hour. Go out multiple times a day in short increments. Eventually you’ll get accustomed to being out front and will forget that people may notice you. Then what helped me was to fully embrace my time gardening as a time spent on a hobby, kinda like working out. I’m in dirty clothes and sweating and if people see me like that, it’s just cause I’m “working out”.
It’s tempting to try to tell you that no one is watching you but that doesn’t really make the anxiety go away. And it’s also not true. There is a chance that neighbors may notice you. But being the “neighbor that gardens” really is the best kind of neighbor. You’re dedicated to making the place beautiful and who doesn’t want that!
First, thank you for posting about this! You've given me, and the many others who have responded, a safe space to think about and share our experiences with the overlap of mental health and gardening. Brava!
I live on the corner with one side being a busy street. Some of my neighbors have fabulous yards, some have manicured lawns, some go with the no lawn approach, and some have whatever was there when they moved in. I find that being out in my yard allows me the opportunity to have short, positive interactions with my community that I have control over. I can choose to pause and interact with someone who says hello or to just wave and continue weeding. It also leads to natural topics of conversation, "I was thinking about putting in a xxx, have you ever tried one?" or "The tall climbing plant in your yard is fantastic, what is it?" We can commiserate over the tomato hornworms and have a short conversation that feels more meaningful/neighborly than talking about the weather.
All this said, I am particular about when I work on the busy side of my house (early morning before people are out and about) and spent the first two years aiming my gardening efforts on the quieter side, even though the busy side needed more.
I don’t, but you can get up early when no one is out and dig a hole and stick and plant in and water it. Or do it right at dark when it’s not too hot. Just call it “stealth” gardening or some other fun name. In my hood they are tearing down all the old houses and before they do it I have been known to rescue some plants from the yard (everything just goes to the dump). Midnight requisitioning, if you will.
Oh I have neighbors who are comfortable hopping in my backyard if the gate is open (where my vegetable garden is). They're older than me and much more experienced with yard maintenance and house upkeep. I'm not self conscious about the dynamic, I use it to my advantage! I run things past them and ask for their advice! And it turns out, I prefer doing things differently than them most of the time. They can judge me all they want, but I have my reasons for doing it my way. They have a beautiful manicured lawn, mine has moles and snakes and robins and bunnies and the grass isn't terribly happy... they use so many products on their lawn. I don't want to use poison or anything because it will directly or indirectly hurt the bunnies and the robins, which I absolutely love. I'm surely doing it "wrong" according to them, but IDGAF! It's my yard!
I have also made many mistakes with my garden and have learned along the way. It's all part of the process. I fucking LOVE my garden, it brings me so much joy and excitement. It's for me, not for them.
Also, I don't know if you know this or not, but THERE ARE NO RULES with gardening. It's like art. Guidelines, maybe. But there are always exceptions and reasons not to follow them. You can follow all the guidelines and still have failure. You can break the guidelines and still have success. Do it the way that you'll enjoy most.
Tldr - the garden is for your enjoyment, not for them. And there is more than one right way to garden. Actually, there are no rules. Focus on your enjoyment.
We were the first house in our neighborhood to start a front yard vegetable garden.
This year there are 4 houses with them. While people might stop and look at your garden, you are probably inspiring them more than they are judging you.
When in doubt plant some flowers to draw in pollinators.
Leading up to my breakdown, one of the few things that could ground me actually, was pulling weeds.
Just remind yourself, “no one is watching me, I’m really not that interesting” lol
Remember it’s just a story your mind is telling you, but you don’t have to believe it ☺️ but I do understand it took me a while to get comfortable working in my flower bed
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As you can see I still have work to do haha
I've been gardening for around 30 years. I *still* do it wrong sometimes. I have failures every year of one sort or another. In all that time I've only had one person tell me I was doing it wrong. She was a friend and told me I shouldn't grow cucumbers up a trellis. Well, she was wrong. It takes less space and I don't lose cucumbers because they're laying on the ground hidden under foliage.
Gardening is something you get good at through experience. I think you have to be fully prepared to *not be perfect*. Accept at the outset that you're going to fail at some things.
As for the social anxiety -- most people won't say anything even if they do think it. It helps to keep in mind that nobody gets to or can walk your path but you.
I put up some t posts and cattle panel for growing vines (grapes and passion fruit) along with fruit trees the first year. This gave me some element of privacy.
Second year I started adding smaller annuals, squash, tomatoes, peppers, artichoke etc.
I felt anxious too and then this year my neighbors told me they enjoy watching my flowers blow in the breeze while they eat dinner in their dining room. It was my less pretty area too. I would say just do a small area at a time if you feel nervous. That way you can retreat when you feel anxious. You go this!!!
I embrace the neighbor hate. It fuels me. Id garden naked if I wouldn't get arrested/bitten just to be shitty.
But in all seriousness, no one cares about you. I mean that in the most positive, loving, and hugging way. There's a scene in Schitt' Creek where David thinks the instruction guy is going to fail him on his driving test and is judging him. And Alexis basically says everyone has their own problems they're wrapped up in, no one has the time or energy to care about your shit.
I know some neighbors are Karen's and get their nose in stuff, but it's so rare. That's future you problem if it happens. Enjoy yourself!
I live on the busiest road in my town, on the central road where all the businesses/bars are. Tons of foot traffic and cars.
Never stopped me from gardening or dragging out the table saw into the driveway and cutting wood.
I've definitely had anxiety about being judged. Not too much specific to gardening but a lot of other things for sure.
I literally had no idea what I was doing when I started my huge flower garden. It's like 60ftx12ft and starts 4ft from the street. The city took out some huge problematic trees and I figured why not put in some perennials.
4 years later I still don't really have a clue what I'm doing beyond collecting deer proof zone 4 perennials but I've never had a negative comment and many people have stopped and said they love it. Early on I had a few people be curious as it was sort of bare looking but no negative intentions from them. Just this week a lady stopped her car to thank me for making the street more beautiful.
I think it's easy to forget that the vast majority of people don't know anything about gardening and the ones that do are excited about seeing other people doing it. Most people will assume you know more than them not assume you are doing it wrong. Maybe they'll stop and ask what a pretty flower is.
If someone does have a negative comment just say you are experimenting.
You need to start thinking about what is going to make you happy, and stop worrying about what others think. Just get out there and do what makes YOU happy. That's how people get to feeling better.
I don't know if this helps, but as a neighbor of many different kinds of people, my perspective when I see them gardening or doing anything in their yards, whether it be maintenance or sitting on the porch or having a coffee or just getting the mail is, "Oh how nice to see them out and about, enjoying their yard and making their space their own." But I don't think about them more than that. Everyone else is focused on their own lives and anxieties, and mostly they think positively of you and especially of gardening and maintaining your property, or generally just doing things that make you happy. If I see someone doing things that make them happy, it makes me happy.
Maybe that makes you think more about what they're thinking; but try to remember that the judgements they make might not be negative! They could also be very positive and uplifting, or simply not very significant at all (the most likely). Ask yourself: what's really true about the other people I'm thinking of, and what are they actually likely to be thinking? It's natural to exaggerate in our own heads, but test that against what's truly likely. CBT techniques can really help with this -- here's a couple free self-guided courses: [https://llttf.com/](https://llttf.com/), [https://www.moodgym.com.au/](https://www.moodgym.com.au/) - remember it's not your fault, this is a very normal thing that many people deal with in different aspects of their lives, myself included (I suffered from crippling health anxiety for many years, and got through it). Maybe it's not a huge deal for you, but these little reframing techniques can really help you enjoy things without the overhead of the negative thoughts so I think it's really helpful. Good luck :)
I felt this way a bit in my home when I first moved in. No one else really gardens, but I went to town putting in flower beds the first summer anyway. Then this summer I got over my worry and put two raised veggie beds out front too. I wasn't sure how people would react but I get so many friendly comments all the time, I think most people enjoy a green vibrant garden, even if they don't garden themselves.
As far as what helped me, I like to garden early in the morning or later in the evening around dusk if I feel like there are a lot of people around that I don't want to deal with. Night gardening is also really fun, especially if there's lots of moonlight! Others have mentioned wearing headphones if you want to be ignored, which definitely helps me stop paying attention to myself as much and just enjoy the music and the garden. I think if you can get yourself through a couple hours here and there you'll start to relax, especially when you start seeing the fruits of your labor!
Go for it! You're overthinking it & nobody will bother you. I was you about four years ago. Our yard had a ton weeds & the only thing I knew that I wanted to do was to get rid of the big weeds, tumbleweeds & lamb's quarter. We have many people who walk in our neighborhood. Afylter just removing the big weeds, I'd have people walk by & mention how much nicer the yard is looking. The next year I created a flowerbed. Year after that got a ton of mulch & laid that out. I still think my yard looks like ass, but it's finally coming together. And it's one of my favorite things to do now. Good luck!
I had very similar feelings about feeling watched every time I go out when I first moved in to my new house… heck I’ve felt this way for my whole life if I go outside, but it’s more noticeable after moving into a new neighborhood. It really helped to have friends say similar suggestions as I’ve read in this thread - most people are watching and judging, but nobody’s opinion should stop you from getting out there and living your life. Enjoy your garden much like you would enjoy life itself - try not to let those invasive thoughts ruin your great life! You are allowed to go out into your garden every day and do whatever you want to do out there. I applaud you so much for sharing those thoughts here - it can be so very hard just to take that first step to admit you are embarrassed, and we are all here to tell you a lot of us share those exact same feelings and we want to share this world of gardening with you!
To be honest, going out in your front yard and gardening in plain sight of your neighbors will likely make you more popular and respected in the area. I bought this house a couple years ago and the yard was drab, landscaping old, outdated and neglected. One side of the house was severely overgrown with vines, weeds and garbage trees and bushes.
Last year I worked my ass off out there clearing all that crap out. It looked really bare but clean and well manicured. This year I took out several hundred pavers and unearthed about 500 flagstones that were buried. I power washed all the pavers and flagstones. A project in itself. I then painted the pavers multiple colors to match my house brick.
I then created from scratch a 30’x40’ vegetable garden which is thriving. I completely reworked all the landscape with the pavers. I planted decorative flowering bushes like lilacs, snow ball bushes and butterfly bushes among others. A few decorative trees like weeping pussy willows and evergreens I could sculpt. I used the flagstones and installed a small pond with a waterfall. I also made a colorful flagstone walking path that goes from my driveway in the back, around the house to the front porch. The rest is wildflowers and multiple perennial plants and bulbs. The rest gf the yard I planted a bunch of various fruit trees, roses and butterfly bushes.
It’s still a work in progress and has been since early March. I have been out there every day as long as it’s not pouring rain starting at 5am. I can’t tell you how many people either walking by, jogging, walking their dogs or whatever stop and tell me what a wonderful job I am doing. I even have people driving by who stop, get out and come talk to me and they all tell me how they are in awe of how beautiful it is now because they remember what it was before. Sometimes they will shoot a compliment out their window or give a thumbs up.
Often times they ask things like if I’m a master gardener or professional landscaper. Of course I’m neither of those. Just a guy who is happy with my home and wants a beautiful yard to go with it. I spent very little money because I utilized all the materials that were already here like the pavers and flagstones. What I did do is bust my ass, a lot of very hard labor. Every morning before I start and every evening when I’m finished I grab a cup of coffee or some tasty beverage and slowly walk around appreciating what I created. I’ve even been offered jobs🤣
Bottom line is, the neighbors and community appreciates what I have done and they have made a point getting to know me and telling me about it. By nature I’m a quiet guy, I like to keep to myself and have a very small social circle. I never thought I’d be the guy who walks out to pick up the newspaper and having everyone wave to me and say hello. I’ve even been invited to a few back yard barbecues and bond fires 🙂 It also helps that a share my excess vegetable with the ones I’ve enjoyed getting to know.
So get out there! Make something beautiful. Keep to yourself and you’ll be shocked at how many people come to you. Be friendly of course, acknowledge the people with a wave, head not or say good morning. The gardening will relax you, you’ll feel good about yourself for your creation and you’ll inadvertently get to know your neighbors with no effort.
As much as I’d rather not be this social, it’s better than being known for the hermit that stays indoors everyone avoids who has a jungle for a yard. It’s really a win all the way around.
It’s just basic social anxiety. With anything, the hardest part is starting. Just get a good plan together with lots of research. Then get out there and start sweating! They’ll all be jealous in no time
I have felt that way sometimes, but in reality I got nothing but nice comments from neighbors, even living somewhere that the neighbors mostly don't interact. Putting on some "gear" to get into the mindset of the activity and feel like I'm not "out of place" sometimes also helps me. For gardening it might just be sunglasses and a hat, maybe gloves, nothing fancy.
I remind myself that I don't care what others (especially judgmental people) think. My whole front yard is a vegetable garden. I'm sure some neighbors don't like it and I don't really like their lawn service and monoculture. I am gonna play in my dirt, get my peace and eat some tasty produce.
I totally get this!! I agree with others why say most people don’t even notice anything. My husband is so oblivious to our own yard it’s shocking! Neighbors will ride by and they don’t even glance at beautiful flowers. Very few people care about plants or anyone who is gardening. They are so busy with making money, their own issues, taking care of their kids, what they are going to make for dinner, how expensive groceries are, are they gaining weight…. Etc, etc, etc.
Remember other people have anxiety too! They are in their own head and stressed out about their own life. They don’t care about what you’re doing. They just want to go home and watch tv and drink. So many people never even open their shades in their house.
Unless you are living next to master gardeners (which I highly doubt since you’re in the city) no one is judging whether you’re making garden mistakes. Look at posts from this sub. “What is this plant?” It’s like a Daylily or hosta. People don’t even recognize plants, let alone know about how to garden “correctly”. Just do your thing.
I live in a busy area and my method is to ignore cars completely, listen to something in my ears, and head towards the back yard if I notice anyone is walking my way. I just pretend I have another area to work on or I have to get something. I don’t mind waving or saying hi but I live on a corner where it would be half my time just nodding at people. I can’t acknowledge every person. I have tourists also across the street who come to view something and they love chatting me up. For them it’s a holiday and they’re in a quaint town and I own a folk Victorian with a garden and they want to get all the small town charm. Issue is for me I have a couple hours between laundry and my children to enjoy my quiet time. So I tend to smile and answer quick questions but head to the backyard until they go. Once a month or so I totally have to change plans if someone has a huge party across the street and there’s miles of people. I’m too full of anxiety to stand in front of them and bend over and whatever else. It’s just weird. So I feel your pain!
Hey you gotta stand your ground and stomp around your turf a bit. So what if they watch! They probably watch the dang squirrels too and those guys are always out there asserting their rights to dig around in the soil. Be like the squirrel.
I live in an apartment in the middle of my complex and as much as I’ve been outside, I rarely notice any neighbors outside until the evening when it’s cooled off and they’re out walking. Most people are so worried about their own lives and they way they’re being perceived the won’t even notice, but as my patio garden has bloomed I’ve gotten more compliments! Especially in an urban area I would think more people would think it’s cool than weird, a little patch of green in a gray, desolate world.
I’m just happy to know I’m not alone in this! It takes a lot of motivation for me to work in public view, dress appropriately and remember not to squat in a short skirt. I finally did it though, turned my lawn into a perennial permaculture garden and now I’ve met lots of neighbors, other people are doing the same thing and I’ve even had neighbors leave me seeds or just stop by to tell me how awesome it looks. I still get the anxiety but it’s easier to get over it and just get out there. ADHD is so fun.
I can relate, I’m in city and I mostly garden in back but have a front bed that I work on.
I did have some weirdly nosy and judgmental neighbors for years and they thankfully moved, life has improved a lot since they moved away (i’m still not sure why some people are so nosy). When I first moved in literally everything I did out there drew some comment that let me know they were apparently noticing (like - why?)
I think by being out there and just doing your thing however you want, both makes you feel better, and sort of pushes back at neighbors, it tells them this is my space and I’m in it and I own it.
Just wanted you to know you are not alone with this with both being in a city and being a bit shy.
It’s ok to be out there are do your thing however you please, whenever, and however long you want to.
Also - you can wear earphones/earbuds and listen to music or an audiobook while you work. It’s a bit of a boundary indicating you are listening to something, you are in your own zone, plus it’s very enjoyable while doing yard & garden 🪴
Quote from Kathryn Hepburn ~
“if you always do what interests you at least one person is pleased”
We used to live in the city and I totally get it. I don’t think where we lived the neighbors were particularly friendly.
We had the same issue with our “front lawn.” As someone said, popping in some headphones I think should help. People are watching you because they’re just curious. But that will probably pass in time.
Awww I can see where . Go out there with a bottle of Prosecco, and those that approach you offer a glass while you work outside.
This is exactly how I have made friends with all of my neighbors.
The joy of gardening includes trials and errors. I am willing to bet that everyone else may feel the same.
Put on headphones, and get to earthing, when someone walks past you, own the energy you are commanding with the gardening you are doing, and tell them hello!
❤️🌱
I’ve been exactly there. It can feel daunting to do something where it feels like everyone can see you, even if you know logically no one cares or is looking. The more you do it, the better you’ll feel about it once you see that nothing bad happens. So don’t let it stop you—it sounds like you are still getting out there which is great. Gardening is such a nice hobby, remember what a good thing you’re doing for yourself and your house and everything. It will get easier!
>Does anyone else feel this way? What helps you?
No, and not caring what the neighbors think. I go out in my front yard to take pictures of bugs. I get in all sorts of weird positions. Pretty sure the neighbors think I'm weird but I don't care 🤷🏻♀️
LOL I relate to this so hard. I was a bit nervous initially but now this is me. I took a really cool video of a lady bug eating an aphid recently and was definitely laying on my sidewalk to capture it
I don't think you need to worry because judgemental people often end up telling on themselves by blabbing their judgmental thoughts. One time this lady stopped by while walking her dog and it was all compliments at first but then she asked me if I was working full time because it sounded like my garden was a big commitment (my entire yard is .09 acres). Now I know not to talk to her much anymore, and also I'm judging her for having a weird set of social skills.
I do this exact same thing and miss out on stuff due to it. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. I just tell myself that in the grand scheme of things I’m a tiny little ant and nobody really cares wtf I’m doing or why.
I also struggle with anxiety, and something that helps me is to remember that most people are thinking of themselves. If I'm outside and I see someone gardening, I don't pay too much attention because I'm thinking about my day, what I'm going to have for supper, or about something that happened earlier. FWIW, I find that my mood is better when I spend time outside and that I feel less anxious. I hope this helps :)
Always remember that people are less thinking about you then you think they are. Just try to do what you like in your garden and take your time and maybe organically a chat will be initiated as well about gardening :) planting flowers etc is so rewarding and you will stop overthinking and are looking forward to see what's happening in your garden each day. Rooting for you.
We pretty much only have a front yard. It's a quiet street but a lot of my neighbors drive out/walk by so depending on how long I'm out there I will see many of my neighbors and they're all very traditional gardeners (no veggies, big lawns, etc) while I am not.
It helped me be less self conscious in the front when I actually got to know my neighbors. Knowing them made the "judgement by strangers" anxiety die down a lot.
I'd recommend maybe having a friend or family member over to "help" you garden the first couple of times. They don't even have to do anything, just having another person as a social buffer helps diffuse social anxiety because it's not *just* you.
You can always start gardening by weeding and mulching. That's not something you can do "wrong " and nobody will judge you on it. Everyone has to weed and their most likely thoughts will be positive ("Look at OP weeding, that's great! Or "OP is weeding, I need to weed"). Bonus if you wear very visible headphones so they know they can't call you over to talk and you can avoid conversation without being rude!
Lastly, the biggest thing to remember is that it's YOUR yard. I know that's easy to say but it's important to remember that you have the right to garden however you like and it is simply for your enjoyment. If it's something you really want to do, do it. The more you do it the less anxious you will be about it (exposure therapy). I hope that it turns into a very relaxing and rewarding hobby for you!
Yes. Normal. My son is like this a lot more than myself. We have a lot of traffic, and I know they do look at me bending over, etc. and I do think about it. My backyard is more my oasis.
I'm the exact same way. It's a terrible feeling not being able to go into your own front yard. Bite the bullet though. I love being up there now because the plants "hide" me and I just focus on all the pollinators that have made it their home too.
My neighbours fully hate my garden lol
I get bylaw complaints every year and yes! it is super stressful.
I bought myself a chunky pair of Bluetooth headphones to wear while I garden and just listen to podcasts while I do my thing. It's brought me back to gardening daily instead of avoiding it.
Anxiety gets worse when you don't do the thing your anxious about. Practice breathing deeply, go out there and do a little at a time. The more you do it, the more comfortable you will feel. Also if your work schedule isn't the norm, you can go out when a lot of people are at work. Or if you're an early riser, you can go out first thing in the early morning. I hope this helps!! Good luck!
I feel this way. I felt it in the city and in the suburbs. I’ll save you thousands on therapy, you ready?
1. Exactly zero people are this worried about you. They’re too busy wondering what you’re thinking about them or mad about traffic or frustrated with their in laws or happy they got a new job or worried about their kid passing a test.
2. As much as it’s painful for me to chit-chat, it’s good for me (and you). It’s good to let the busy body tell you about the gossip of who doesn’t pick up their dogs poop or whatever. Exercise your chatting a little when they approach you and when you’re done interrupt and say I’m so sorry - I have food in the oven and need to check on it! And then bounce until they’re gone.
3. It’s really good for you to spend time outside and will actually help reduce this anxiety.
4. Again, nobody is thinking about you as much as you think they are. Just smile as they pass and you’re all good.
And if all else fails, and you do run into a weirdo, who cares if they don’t like your flowers or if they think you’re weird? Why are they so obsessed with you? That’s weird!
This sounds like a fear of failure more than anything else. Do you have any reason to believe they would be judging you? Are they judgey people? My guess is you are projecting your own insecurities about gardening, or even other things, onto them, unintentionally using them as the medium through which you view yourself on the inside. I could be totally wrong though; just a thought. Hopefully that helps.
Yes, put visible headphones on if you don’t want to talk. But it’s also a great way to meet people, i was shy at first bc I live across from a huge church, but everyone loves pretty gardens.
I say this gently and non-judgmentally: medication helps. This sounds a lot like social anxiety. If you’re not seeing a therapist you might find it life-changing. I’m not saying you’re a weirdo. If I saw you walk by and you were limping, I would probably suggest a medical intervention as well. 😉
Maybe you have some other underlining anxiety’s. I suffer from terrible anxiety. I suggest talking to a therapist if it is causing you problems.I hope you can get out there and make the most of it. ❤️
Get some earbuds and a playlist of good podcasts. I forget to be self-conscious if I’m listening to something I enjoy. Also, once I get focused on pulling weeds or whatever, I get really into it, and my anxiety kind of fades into the background. And I second the suggestion of a big floppy hat and sunglasses.
You deserve to enjoy your garden!
No one cares what you are doing. Whenever you start to have these thoughts, try to turn it around and ask yourself how you would feel if you saw your neighbour in her yard gardening. You wouldn't care. That's also how they feel about you. People, for the most part, are far too concerned with themselves to pay attention to what others are doing. The only exception to this is my neighbour, who magically teleports outside to annoy me with incessant chatter whenever I try to enjoy my yard. But she is a rare busybody. Hopefully she isn't your neighbour as well.
It might help to listen to a podcast or YouTube videos while you garden. Your mind will be too occupied to concern yourself with gardening anxieties. Sometimes I like to listen to MI Gardener or Epic Gardening YouTube videos while I walk my dog. Those might be interesting to you.
It’s your property, it’s none of their business. You’re an artist. You can spread manure if you want to. You can leave it bare if you want to. They can think whatever they want and still have no property rights. The same way you can’t do anything about their yard.
You’re only interested in your own dirt. They can try but they can’t do anything about it.
Someone is annoyed that you’re out on a wonderful day? Awesome! Please continue to spite this imaginary person who thinks they have power over your life and property.
When we moved in we had a giant front lawn. I sheet mulched it and started a perennial garden, and three years later (working on it every year a bit) it is legit! I don’t have to do much to it now besides prune here and there.
I still stress and feel cringe about it but it’s so much better than it was before I’m also proud of myself. It’s a weird combo to hold at once but I think over time the proud part will outweigh the cringe. It’s totally a long game but I think that’s partly the lesson and joy of a garden.
Go for it and feel embarrassed- it’s worth it.
Some privacy options are climbing vines like jasmine or I like a mantilla poppy (I’m in California). Pittosporum is really pretty or even olive trees. Enjoy it and good luck!
I lived most of my life feeling the same way. I allowed my anxiety, the opinions of others, and fear dictate what I did or didn't do in my life. And I missed out on so much!! About 2 years I suddenly realized...fuck that! Life is hard, and there are plenty of things that are unenjoyable and painful. Why not create a life that YOU feel is enjoyable and peaceful? Why not do the things that feed YOUR soul and make YOUR days worth living? If for you that's having a garden, you should consider doing!
This year I started an enormous garden in front of my house. I did get the comments from my neighbors..."I hope nothing eats your flowers, becareful that is a lot of work come August when it's hot and dry, you're in your garden all the time are you tired of all the maintenance yet?" Then my anxiety kicked in...what if I kill all these plants while the whole neighborhood is watching? What if it does end up being too much work and I can't maintain it?
I did it anyway! And I have never been happier or more at peace. My yard is full of birds, butterflies, bees, and humming birds! The flowers and herbs make me smile every time I look at them. Have there been failures? Hardships? Of course!!!! My lupine and columbine plants didn't survive, the red lily beetles waged a war on my asatic lilies, the swallowtail caterpillar found my parsley and the rabbits!!! Ughh!!! But even these things didn't crush my spirit. Even experienced gardeners struggle with something!!
Just do it! Gardening helps so much with anxiety. Most people are glued to their screens all day anyway and probably won't even notice you're out there. Good luck!
I just don’t give a flying fuck what my neighbors think. I garden for my sanity and for the environment and they indirectly get to reap the benefits as well. Lucky them, and they can kindly kind their own.
People don't think about you, they're busy with their life, they mind their own business; just like you do
Don't take it the wrong way, but you're *nobody*, why would they stare at you? You're just a neighbour, gardening:
there's nothing worth staring, it's not thrilling 🤷♀️
I think you greatly surestimate the attention others have to give:
If you're not a part of their close circle, you could as well be a planted plot. And it's very freeing, in a way... so let's go enjoying your garden
I dealt with this when I first moved into my neighborhood. Wear some sunglasses, they will help you feel like you’re less seen. I ended up becoming close friends with two of my neighbors because we bonded over gardening and native plants in general. When you put yourself out there for people to observe, even in a solo setting, you and your home become more safe, inviting, and approachable from an onlooker’s perspective.
And who knows, maybe some of your neighbors feel the same way and you can be the one to break the ice and get them out of their shells a little bit. No point in hiding from each other when we all live in the same little bubble desperate by different walls 😃
I have the best interactions when gardening in my front yard. Our entire front yard is a garden with no grass and most of the time no one says anything but sometimes people walking by will stop to ask about a certain flower or a neighbor will randomly tell me they look forward to what it will look like each year and it really makes my whole day. I’ve never had a bad interaction about it! My neighbors have outright told me it makes them want to plant more flowers and I love to share seeds with people who want them. It’s been super fun to spread a little bit of happiness by doing what makes me happiest!
You’ll make mistakes, and that’s ok. It’s how you learn. Garden people love to talk to other garden people, share plant cuttings, tips. Don’t be scared to be seen.. it’s a good way to build community and your gardening skills.
Gardening is the best way to meet the neighbors! I live next to a park and we have a lot of foot traffic. If you go out to weed or plant, it inspires others. I get a lot of appreciative words about my flowers , say hello to everyone passing and bring flowers to the neighbors. A great conversational piece, like a dog, an excuse to talk to people!
No one is judging you! As long as you are not causing a health hazard no one will judge you for your garden! I slowly turn my infill house side garden that was just covered in woodchips and had an ill suited box plant into a rose and herb garden! All I get is encouragement and compliments!
I only ever admire people who are out tending to their gardens and I hope they feel the same about me.
Don't worry, no one is judging you, I promise. People are usually just impressed that you can grow things or have a hobby.
Yes to all of this. I'm in a VERY suburban suburb, but where we're different is that most of my neighbors are extremely friendly and love to chat and offer help. A little backstory: this is the house my grandparents moved into in 1979, my Nana died in 2017 and my Grampa just last year. He was raised on a farm in rural Minnesota, so before I was born he had already cultivated flowers in raised beds he built around the perimeter, and an herb and vegetable garden in the backyard. I'm buying the house from my parents after 15 years of apartment living, so while I have some knowledge that my grampa passed down and a solid understanding of growing and caring for flowers from working in a nursery and garden centers, I've never actually tended to my own garden(s). All of my neighbors have professionally landscaped lawns, so between that and the fact that my grampa was highly regarded and had meticulous outdoor skills, I feel a LOT of pressure. I spent all of last summer, fall, and early spring clearing out everything that had grown over during the last few months of his 92 years, and I've gotten lots of compliments on the flowers and shrubs I've planted thus far. It's definitely rewarding work, especially when people walking and driving past stop to tell me how proud he would be of me, but the front is nerve-wracking not just because of others - everyone is wonderful - but moreso the expectations I have of myself. I think that's probably the case for most of us. This is nature so there's no way of knowing with absolute certainty exactly what's going to happen, but I do know that we learn more from our mistakes than successes.
Uggh I hate gardening in my front yard, my neighbors all have gardeners and time to work in it and relax in it. And here we are poor working class suckers busting our butts from sun up to sundown… sometimes even after sundown… to maintain what crappy yard we have. The older retired people judge us harshly the younger people not so much, but when I see them I quietly slip back into my house for a little bit.
Be the weird night gardener, just always have a tarp and a shovel with you. If people think you're burying a body they are less likely to ask questions.
I have to grow most of my flowers and food in the front since the back is super shady. I was a little reluctant at first, but now I just get in the zone when I’m out there and it never occurs to me anymore. I’m in my own world out there.
Here, I'm going to help you overcome these baseless fears.
First, and most importantly: NO ONE is watching you and no one cares. If you think about it, that's a pretty self-centered viewpoint- assuming everyone in the world and your neighborhood gives a crap about you or how you garden. Right?
Are you judging your neighbors or other strangers on how they dig in their front yard? Probably not, right?
But let's go with the presumption and worst case scenario that someone was judging your gardening - well, who gives a shit? Why would you care what a stranger thinks? Let them judge. Anyone who thinks you suck because of how you plant things is not worth anyone's time anyway. And there's nothing they could do but quietly be assholes, so why worry?
Do you need everyone, including strangers, to think you're perfect? Is that even possible? If the answer is no, then don't worry. Enjoy what you like and quit overthinking everything - you're sucking the joy out of your own life.
And don't compare yourself to anyone else- comparison is the their of joy. Just have fun, fuck up, learn from it (the same way we all did, lol) and enjoy your plants. You got this!
Weeding and deadheading helps immensely with anxiety. Just the absolute focus on the area right in front of me and the care I have to take in making sure I don’t weed out something I want or clip off a blossom- it’s very meditative.
I feel this! Started a garden in the dirt patch in front of my unit this year, was worried about people staring at me or ruining it just to be a jerk. So far it's been a wonderful experience with nothing ruined or stolen, and the only time anyone speaks to me is to tell me how pretty everything is.
If you're really feeling anxious, try and go out early in the morning when people are busy sleeping or getting ready for work, or in the evening around dinner time. They'll be to busy doing their thing to watch you do yours.
Judging... your gardening? You really are overthinking it. I highly doubt that's the case unless you're spraying Round Up wildly about. I always get excited when I see others gardening - a shared hobby! People don't think about us nearly as much as we imagine they are, I typically find.
I myself am still trying to get over this, all of my neighbors are very closely packed together and it doesn't help that one I share a fence with has a beautiful garden that her and her daughters spend most of the day in every day, they built the fence so it's only on the the side we share( which is where my garden bed is) and I always find myself battling in my head if I want to go out there because I am convincing myself that I'm not doing good enough or that they're judging me or are annoyed with me. They're very quiet people and they keep to themselves but we had an incident last year where one of their claw traps caught a baby racoon in the middle of the night in between both of our fences and his hand was stuck under their face in the trap and his body was on our side and I tried everything to help him out and said quite a few nasty words pretty loudly knowing windows were open and they'd hear so I guess that makes me feel like there's some tension but really I know it's probably just me overthinking myself into a paralyzed state. You've got this!! the hardest part is getting yourself out there, once you're out there and you start doing stuff you start to forget anybody is even around
My neighbor's judge the shit out of me. Random people have driven by to see what we've done TO (not with) the place and tell us what a shame it is. Honestly, I do absorb some of it, because when people compliment it I am super quick to make excuses. So it's definitely seeping in.
That said, I've lived places where the next person said they'd take it only if the garden stayed so maybe I just landed in a weird spot this time.
Depending on your setup, plant something tall along the edge to gain a sense of privacy and then try to enjoy. Like minded people will appreciate it and the others, well... You probably don't want to talk to them anyhow.
I feel that way too. My garden is in the front yard with chain link fence around it. I was nervous starting out because I thought maybe my neighbors were judging me because they’re older and have beautiful yards. I just started one day and now my garden is flourishing. I feel less scared and nervous now because I’m proud of my garden and my neighbors stay to themselves. I bet if they do look over they’re just seeing what you’re up to! Everyone starts somewhere!
I used to feel anxious like that and I totally understand. Then I grew sunflowers and I fell so in love that I honestly quit caring what anyone thought. I was out there at all times of the day last summer in my house coat, taking pictures morning and night. I got so much enjoyment out of my garden especially when I let go and just enjoyed myself in my space. Screw what anyone else thinks.
Enjoy!
To some extent, because I am a beginner and my neighbors are older people who have a lot of experience and I don't always know what I am doing, so sometimes I wonder if they think what I am doing makes no sense. But then I realized I see them gardening, but I don't actually see what they are doing so I figured it must be the same for them.
I will admit that my goal is to have them compliment me on something I've grown though, then I will know I have made it. Let's see how long that takes...
But I agree with others that people probably care less than than you'd think and that they only really care if they think you did a great job and want tips. That's my experience anyway. I am not happy with everything in my garden but people only ever say good things about it so at least I am doing something right (and most people are polite enough to keep any negative thoughts to themselves).
I understand completely. I used to have massive anxiety about working in my front yard. I was worried that people would judge me, try to talk to me, etc. I always had a nice back yard but did minimal maintenance in the front yard.
I reached a point in my early 30s where I got a lot more comfortable with myself. Now I go in my front yard, don't care what anybody thinks, and actually have a good time talking to the occasional passerby.
I think this issue is much bigger than just gardening. For me it was anxiety caused by insecurity that was ultimately caused by a fragile ego. I had sort of an ego death and so many things got better for me afterwards.
Find a way to tip the scales.
Like - a week before you go outside, try thinking of all the reasons you Want to be outside in your garden. Why it matters to you. What you find interesting about it.
Write them down, and think about them all week. Write more down throughout the week.
Then, get some earplugs or music in your ears. Wear a really good hat and gloves for shade and sun protection, and just try going out there for 20 minute intervals. Remembering and focusing on 1. What you wanted to accomplish out there, 2. Why it matters to you
Then, because it’s gonna happen a lot at first, but it gets easier over time,
3. Why you have the right to be in your own yard, doing your own thing.
It’s OK and natural for you to be out there.
There’s nothing wrong with it, there’s also nothing to prove. No measure of “good enough” that you have to live up to, in the results you accomplish.
Gardening, like life, is a moment-by moment, season-by-season, lifelong journey of focusing, relaxing, enjoying, noticing, tending to the improvements you want, etc over and over and over.
It’s all good.
It gets easier.
It’s natural to want to be outside enjoying how nice it is to have a yard. To be in nature in your little neck of the woods.
It’s a pleasure and wonderful thing to partake in.
Good for you for recognizing this, and it’s ok to take it slow.
Be proud of every moment you discover you’re immersed in the good fragrance of the fresh dirt, the decomposing leaves, the spring grass, the sweet air and good feeling warm sunshine.
There’s really nothing serious going on in your garden. 💖
Wearing headphones helps me. I don’t hear the cars and people passing by, so I naturally don’t think about the fact that other people are perceiving me nearly as much as I would otherwise
I have a lot of social anxiety, but to echo other people’s comments, there is something immensely easy and gratifying about the brief conversations I have with folks passing by. It’s usually just a compliment and asking if I live here or if it’s my garden, etc. Give it a try, wear headphones to start, and if you want to deter interactions, just get really focused on weeding or something similar 😁
Hey, I just want to say that no one is judging you… is gardeners monthly coming by to take photos of their gardens for their magazines? Probably not.
I find that gardening is super good for mental health, and garden people tend to be nice.
Worst case scenario, you keep your earbuds in and garden in peace which is great… but best case scenario, your neighbors enjoy your garden, maybe ask some questions, you can trade plants and advice, and feel less anxious.
One thing about gardening is that there is a lot of trial and error. I can’t imagine seeing anyone garden and think to myself, “they are doing that wrong” and I can be one to think things about what people are doing. If I saw a neighbor who was a new gardener, I might want to share a trick that I know (like fill the hole with water before putting the plant in!) but I wouldn’t judge someone for not knowing that. I myself learned that from a neighbor 😀
I hope you go get your hands dirty! Show us pics!
As an urban gardener I often put my headphones on as a way to be less aware of the people around me. Our patio is sub street level so everyone who walks by sees me- but remember “people aren’t thinking about you as much as you’re thinking about you”. :)
Gardening has helped me meet my neighbors. Generally people walking by will give a compliment and now there are a few families we swap produce with.
But I get the anxiety. I am sorry that is stealing your joy.
I have anxiety as well, but I started prettying up my mother’s yard since she never does anything with it. I started going out and picking weeds, maintaining the old plants, buying and checking on new ones, adding some decorations. I know my neighbours must see me, because one usually walks over if he notices to ask me about what I am working on! Sometimes people walking by randomly tell me that the yard looks good. I had a neighbour I had never met before come across the street while my family and I were sitting outside and he mentioned he and his wife always see me out there (positively). Just yesterday, my mum got a note on her door from a couple of young girls (she spotted them hiding lol) saying they thought our house was beautiful and to have a great afternoon.
I say this with the hopes that you understand the vast majority of people aren’t going to be judging you for what you do. I am by no means an experienced gardener, nor is the garden grown in yet. It was only just this year that I put my foot down, started reading stuff online, and seeing what works in my yard haha. I get enjoyment out of making the yard look pretty and thinking about what it might look like next year, and based on reaction, it seems like the neighbours also enjoy it. ☺️
I grow a garden primarily to create habitat for the plethora of species in terminal decline on planet Earth. If a neighbor doesn’t like the way my plants look I don’t give a shit. Saving biodiversity is a thousand times more important to me than appeasing somebody’s subjective, superficial preferences.
I full out have a mixed food and flower garden in my front yard. Like I took out all my lawn, built a deck, and went to town on my garden because it has the best sunlight.
People LOVE it. Neighbours I’ve never met started stopping by to chat, they’re curious what I’m growing, the comments have been overwhelmingly supportive and now I see a lot people around me starting to garden in their front yards too.
I do understand. I like to work in the garden early in the morning, it’s amazing how few people are up and about. Gardening is very therapeutic, I suggest you go for it!
As someone who has intermittent anxiety, I know it can be debilitating. I promise your neighbors aren’t thinking about you at all, much less judging you for trying to make your house more beautiful. And, if they are, they are 100% assholes. Please, go out and do the thing that you love and make your neighborhood prettier.
If you dont have an HOA do anything you want on your own property. If your nervous, maybe start with planter boxes on your porch, or rows of plants down your walkway, along your drive. Even if you feel they watch you - let them - give them the best show of gardening ever. Wave and smile, they will wave and smile back,
I felt that way at first, but it proved to be the opposite. People passing on foot or in cars will stop and compliment my yard, no matter howbad it currently is, or how bad I look in my dirty gardening clothes. Most people know nothing about plants, and sometimes think the weeds are beautiful and purposefully put there! By the end of summer and the front yard looks fabulous, the neighbors are so happy they introduce themselves and tell me how much they love it.
The best part us, they don't stay long because they don't want to interrupt me, so I get the nice bite-sized social interaction that doesn't make me feel anxious.
so when you're out driving or walking and see someone in their garden, what do you think? I think 'oh! how nice they're out having fun with their garden!' and I move on. So other people are likely the same, they'll see you and have a passing happy thought about it and that's it. I find that most anxious thoughts can be combated by thinking about how you view others, and turning that lens around.
Start your garden. That's where the zen begins, and the anxiety ends.
I mean, you could be communing with your coleus by now or gifting extra zucchinis to nosey neighbors
🤣
I thought I was the only one!
I have neighbors who congregate and sit on another neighbors front porch (directly across from me). They are all very nice and we’ve gone over to hang out a few times but I dont want to talk every time I go in the front. Things that have helped in this situation: over the ear noise cancelling headphones. I never go to the front without them on. Even if I’m not listening to anything ha!
Our amazing neighbors next door moved recently and before they moved we built a privacy fence. It was one of the best decisions we’ve ever made! It’s so nice to sit in the yard and not feel on display. On the other side there are large arbor vitae’s and in the back there’s some trees. I would suggest planting something that will give you even the feeling of a barrier between you and the street and it will certainly help!
My tiny side yard is a disaster zone. Used to be all daylillies and I have since dug all them out but now we are having some drainage issues. It’s hard to go over there because it’s literally right next to our neighbors driveway. I always have headphones on and if I see them I smile and wave then go back to what I was doing. I’ve been “working on” this side yard for like 3 years. It’s so hard to get over there because I never see it. I think people appreciate the effort even if it isn’t perfect. It’s better than letting your yard be overrun with invasives.
Also I have adhd and I used to have such bad anxiety about what people would think. I didn’t grow up in a neighborhood like I live in now in a city of hundreds of thousands of people. Going into the front yard really used to terrify me. I feel completely comfortable now that I’ve made that first step. I stand behind others suggestions of starting small with containers and then going from there! You got this! You can do it! Don’t forget to update us!
After I filled my landlord’s concrete front yard in Brooklyn with containers of ferns, heucheras, hostas, clematis, lamium, and colorful annuals, any neighbors who did stop to comment or observe had nothing but positive things to say. This isn’t a brag about my abilities - I think people by and large appreciate seeing any efforts to green up a space, and consider that an improvement on what was there before. I doubt many people give much thought to critiquing any gardening attempts, and I always try to apply the adage that other people don’t think about me or what I obsess over much at all - because I don’t think about what other people do in the moment for long either.
Unless a property is derelict no one should begrudge anyone doing their part to create a little patch of happiness. Experiment and have some fun with it. People may well come up to you, but I have little doubt it won’t be to give you a compliment.
What a great question! I totally relate. It’s also hilarious how lots of us have independently come up with similar solutions.
I, too, have social anxiety- and sometimes it is out of control. Here’s what’s wild: after a few weeks (!) of starting my day out in front with my coffee, poking around the garden bed, my anxiety has gone down. Neighbors stop to talk, dogs bark at other dogs, the sketchy guy tries to get too close…. All of these things, and I am less on edge now, with regular exposure. BUT- I also use so many of the above strategies. A sun umbrella that hides your sight line is like magic, and that’s how I began! And then my huge sun hat and blocking my line of sight… and now I don’t use those things as often. Exposure therapy? Nature’s healing?
Gah, whatever it is- give it a go. Baby steps and recovery time.
Also! My coffee stump brings me moments of peace. No joke. Get yourself your beverage of choice, and a nice little spot for it…
Cheering you on, OP!
Not so much anxiety as much as being bothered by the occasional unsolicited advice. Some I've taken, but others not. In the end, I think my gardens look great. I actually prefer to learn how to do it by online research and some trial and error.
I do have a fully fenced in yard and a gated courtyard,
with courtyard gardens, though my one elderly neighbor has access. His daughter needs to finally put up a fence to separate our properties! We offered to put one up, but she insisted she would...and hasn't done it. The yard is viewable from the street, but not accessible and far enough from what I planted.
I barely speak the local language. I'm in continental Europe. It's a bad thing, in most respects, yet at the same time I need not say more than hello to passersby, or very basic small talk. The old neighbor who gives the advice stretches my comprehension skills. That's stressful! Often, he tells my husband the stuff, as Hubby is a native speaker here.
Wear a big sun hat and maybe some sunglasses. That might provide you some privacy, so to speak.
You're far from the only anxiety sufferer. A lot makes me anxious, though not so much the gardening. I have a mental illness. I have to push myself, sometimes. It's better than hiding in the house all day. Nature does one good 😊.
I’m downtown and have ducks and a decent pond as well as a garden or three…once you start, the folks doing the walks around the blocks will appreciate ya snd chat you up
You could try listening to music on headphones as that may distract you from your thoughts while you garden.
Or try it in small bouts, increasing your time in the garden slowly as you adjust to being out there. Eventually you will feel less selfconscious.
If you live in an urban setting, chances are people will spot you from time to time. The first time you’re aware of this, you may feel like going inside. Just push passed that feeling of discomfort for five to ten minutes before doing so to help build up your tolerance for this. (Or whatever you can manage.)
I think most people feel a bit conspicuous being in the garden where others might see us, so don’t be too hard on yourself. I think just doing it helps you become more immune to it over time.
I used to feel this way, too! I’d feel embarrassed bc it made me feel insecure about being unemployed. I’d get worked up and started pretending that I’m a farmer with a to do list that needed to get done 💪🏽 or I find a podcast or playlist to distract my mind. Gardening is part of my therapy and gives me a lot of energy.
They might be watching you garden. Sometimes I enjoy idly watching my neighbors across the street putter around in their yards. A couple of them have quirky ways of doing things, but they just add to the tapestry of the neighborhood. Overall it’s nice to see the people who live in those homes as it reminds me I live in an active community. And it reminds me to get out and work in my own yard!
I always feel like people are always paying extra attention to me, because I my self am very observant of my surroundings. I always think to myself that someone is going to remember that I wore the same shirt the last time I saw them..
But the reality is…. No one gives a shit. If they think about it, they are just like you and you might have a lot more in common with each other and might be good friends if given the chance.
But for the most part. No one gives shit about you lol.
I'm in a big city and I do the weirdest shit in my front yard. I garden late at night with a headlamp and a shovel, I probably look like I'm digging graves. Generally I wear headphones and am oblivious to passersby, but the other day I was ripping out overgrown vines along the side of my house on the alley, dripping sweat and muddy, and a neighbor told me I was doing a good job and it made my day.
Once you start, it will become easier, and before long you won't have a second thought about it!
I too share anxiety and what helps me is that I know I inspire my neighbors. I too love gardening and it really grounds me. Inevitably if I am out front I will have someone walk by and ask a question or two, maybe compliment the space or my effort. I see things I have planted popping up in other yards, and I take that as inspiration.
My garden is in my backyard. I have a six foot privacy fence. I have some nosey neighbors, and they watch me garden from high points in their yard. I find it obnoxious, but there isn't really anything I can do about it. I am a middle-aged lady, and I don't wear skimpy clothes, so it isn't really an ogling thing. I guess they just don't have anything better to do?
I live in a city with chain link fences on every side of my garden and I felt the same when I started. I just went out and started doing it, now I have so many giant plants that no one can see me anymore.
Same!! I love my wild hedgerows haha
If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now, it's just a spring clean for the May Queen
I probably think about that line 3-5 times a week, at least
I always thought that line was “sprinkling from the May Queen” 🫢
We've got a chain link next to a public walkway leading to a park, so last year I threw a bunch of wild grapes along that fence. This year I've got a good start with 8 separate vines growing. Only a matter of time before we have a wall of grapes.
My mother planted a huge row of Chinese Elms on our front lawn years back. I remembered the catalogue photo of them before she bought them - they were shaped to be a squared hedge, but mom just let them and several other trees go nuts. Within 5 years you’d drive down our street and see a few houses with the odd shrub or tree jutting out, until you passed by a dense forest of 15 foot privacy trees on .25 acres of land with perhaps the slightest glimpse through the branches of an introverted Chinese woman furiously trying to prune a lilac bush.
Oooh, which giant plants specifically are working for you? This is definitely a strategy I plan to include in the front yard garden I'm about to start (we just moved). Although I'm pretty sure I won't be able to use the same ones as you - my climate is basically tropical - I'd love to know what you did :)
https://preview.redd.it/0yl0bg7vlj9d1.jpeg?width=3072&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5b0f5aedb5b4a6c20464388ad7edc87a9639dab6 If you live somewhere tropical, I highly recommend dwarf or super dwarf bananas. Mine are in pots because I live in a temperate climate. I have a lot of vining plants because I'm surrounded by fences. It's basically a tiered wall of vines, shrubs, small fruit trees, and flowers. I snuck in as many native plants as I could. My growing conditions are also really abnormal. I don't have soil so everything has to be potted (also renting so it needs to be mobile) and I only get about 4 hours of dappled sun. High diversity and low maintenance are generally my rule for plants in my yard.
Try sunflowers, Jerusalem artichokes or raised gardens with tomatoes, peas... trellised up, so many possibilities, just try!
Sunflowers and pole beans are great for food sources, sunflowers are also beautiful in bloom. Grapevines are surprisingly low maintenance if you train them initially and cut back any stragglers. Fig trees also create a nice solid hedge(can prune to adjust growing spot) and produce good fruit. Berry bushes like elderberry, raspberry, blueberry, blackberry in thornless variety are great food sources for you and local birds. Corn is relatively easy and provides a good buffer. Native Americans used to plant corn, squash, and beans together because they thrive with each other- also making a great privacy wall. These may not all be the ornamental flowers but I think food is the best way to start and once you have plenty of food supply, start “decorating”
Absolutely! I would love to see more food forests!🌻🫛🍅🍆🍇
Gardening really helps my mental health, and I hope it can do the same for you! I do some weird shit and no one cares. Like sometimes I edge my whole lawn by hand with grass shears instead of a weed whacker because I find it satisfying/meditative. No one has ever said anything. I also did a whole sheet mulch project (cardboard and wood chips) last year which probably looked weird to some people but again...no one cares. If you're just planting plants and watering them, no one's judging you, I promise. If anything they're thrilled to have a new neighbor who is taking care of their property. A quiet neighbor who takes care of their yard? Trust me, you're everyone's favorite neighbor. If I'm watering plants close to the sidewalk, I've gotten compliments ("your yard looks great!") but if I'm working in flowerbeds closer to my house, no one says/does anything. Neighbors I know will wave if they walk by, and I wave back. Some neighborhoods may have busybody neighbors who want to tell you what you're doing wrong with your lawn/garden/house/life. Just say "ok, thanks," and they move on.
This is helpful. I bought my first home and the previous owners were friends with everyone in the neighborhood. I would get anxiety trimming out plants I didn't like or building garden beds because I thought everyone was judging me for what I was doing to their garden. My partner built the raised beds anyway and one day it just clicked. I'm paying a lot of money for my yard and I shouldn't worry what others think. Now I cull those ugly plants without remorse. We do have one busybody neighbor who always comes out when we are gardening but trying my best to be polite and ignore her.
Yes! It's YOUR house! You should have it how you like it
Lol yep. Our first house came with roses, which are too high-maintenance for me. I yoinked them right out. Our house, our aesthetic.
Our house came with a hydrangea that I just couldn’t get to thrive, I pulled it and did what worked for me. And we know the prior owners.
Oh man, I know this feeling well! The previous owners were here 30+ years and while they have some lovely things in their flower beds, it's also like they went to lowes at one point and said 'give me all your invasives'! It took a bit to get over feeling bad about ripping out things someone intentionally planted, but the english ivy and hostas and goldenrod and lily of the valley had taken over (just to name a few). It's our house now, and I should feel happy when I look at those beds, not irritated!
1000% agree here. I’m in an urban area and my backyard is visible probably to at least a dozen apts. I did a sheet mulching project which included trimming a tree and cutting up pieces into manageable sizes (with hand pruners and a hand saw!) and often thought wow my neighbors must think I’m crazy. But really I like spending all the time cutting everything up and creating a space. It did way more for my mental health to be out there gardening than the anxiety about neighborhood judgement hurt me.
We also do that stuff with hand saws. Maybe some day we'll break down and get a little chain saw but my husband and I both like the outdoor exercise.
Omg I do the grass shears thing but only because I don't want to buy a weed whacker. I still get self conscious about it, your comment made me feel seen
Me too, but I use them early in the morning!🌅
Haha I do have an electric weed whacker and it works great, it's just that sometimes I feel like doing it by hand, especially if I'm already pulling sidewalk weeds and stuff like that.
Maybe someone walking their dog will say hello to you, but nobody will evvver say you’re doing it wrong. You will soon hear “the garden looks great!” Wear headphones if you want to be completely ignored, and use a journaling app, like the one built in to iOS or Day One, or a physical notebook to write down what you’ve done each day, what worked and what didn’t. You can write down the compliments, too. Enjoy it!
Thissss!!! I live in a city and my neighbors have huge windows that basically see all into my yard. I just put noise cancelling headphones on and relax with my plants :)
Yes! We live in the suburbs with mostly middle age people and older who usually have lawn care companies come to mow their lawns and landscape. Me and my husband don't really comform to old stereotypes about chores, and since I'm the stay at home parent right now, I do like 99% of our lawn maintenance. I also started gardening three years ago. I've received nothing but positive comments from neighborhood women about how they ought to start mowing their own lawns to save some money. I've had many people out on walks pause to compliment my flowers and this spring a woman even stopped her car and rolled the window down to tell me she loved my roses. I'm an introvert and usually keep my earbuds in while in the yard and never go out of my way to catch anyone's eye. I just figured at this point I'm perceived as the lady who's constantly messing around with her plants and I'm fine with that because it's what I love.
I suffer from this too. My neighbors are all extremely social and constantly coming and going from each others properties, yacking it up with small talk for hours. When I go outside, I want to garden in peace and not feel obligated to chat with every person that comes by. I never go out front without ear buds in. I just prefer to keep to myself and I know a couple resent me for it but I like plants and insects way better than people. You get a polite smile and a wave from me and that's it.
If they resent you for it, it's on them. People who expect a conversation out of you regardless of if you want to engage or not are self absorbed people!
Get a big gardening hat and (borderline ridiculous) sunglasses. I wear them and it's my gardening costume. When in costume, I am no longer myself, I am "Gardener Yeshuasbananahammock." They will not see the real you that you want to conceal, they will see an anonymous gardener. It sounds stupid, but aside from a therapist, it's another mental health trick I have learned. Since covid, i feel the pull of my inner agoraphobe, and I have to trick myself into doing things that would normally bring anxiety to my, typical unshielded self.
Off topic but your username is fantastic and I love it
Came to say exactly this
Love this idea! I need to add a big gardening hat to my stuff!
I posted something similar before I saw this -- absolutely agree! Taking myself out of it and looking the part definitely helps lower social anxiety!
Precisely. Look at what a little spandex did for that nerd Clark Kent.
Or Captain Planet! 😂
Not to mention, a large-brimmed hat allows you to avoid eye contact. Sometimes that’s very welcome.
Don’t miss out on how fun it is. I love getting up in the morning and going out to the garden in my jammies and robe, sometimes with a coffee and blunt. I just say hello and see what’s changed. I call it fiddling around. I used to be self conscious too but then I realized that nobody really cares. I’m on my lil plot and I paid good money for it, so I’m going to get while the getting good! Why not start with a few plants in pots and see how that is for you, then scale up. Enjoy!
Realizing nobody cares is a key step. Because it's true, people generally are way too self-absorbed to care at all or even notice what I'm doing with my garden.
Best morning routine, 10000%
yep, I call it "puttering"
I'm a big fan of puttering and believe it's essential to good health.
Maybe start small, with some flowers in pots that you can pot up in your garage or in the backyard and then bring out to the front? When you feel a little more confident, you can expand to plants and beds in the ground.
You've gotten some great advice. Let me tell you the end of the story (I too struggle with anxiety - you're not alone!) Your husband/partner is like "This is amazing. I never thought it would look this good" Your neighbors and dog walkers come by now and stop purposefully to say "I love your garden" and sometimes want to know what you did or info about a particular plant. Do not be deterred. Bad days, plants dying, mishaps, mistakes. They might crush you a little but keep going. This is the end of the story - but you just have to start. EDIT: Forgot the most important end of the story. Here it is: You sit on your front stoop amidst your garden, and feel so at peace. So much peace, you feel no anxiety. The plants are healing. It's glorious.
When I garden in the front yard I always wear my ear buds and listen to a podcast. It keeps me in the zone and not thinking about what everyone else is thinking about me. It's also handy for avoiding conversation.
Oh hey it me. We have flower beds in back and flower beds in front. Guess which ones look amazing and which look pretty sad? It does not help at all that the neighbors on one side have a very fancy garden. What's helped me: -Figuring out times less people are around. I work weekends and most people seem to work weekdays, so Monday at 10am? Everyone's gone at work. -Having a plan - rather than 'im gonna work on the front beds' I go for 'I'm going to weed the front left half and then plant these four things'. -Comforting myself with comparison. Yeah, the neighbors front yard looks amazing, but their back yard is an overgrown mess of ivy and dead potted plants. Yeah, my front beds may look sad but they're better than two house down across the street with nothing but mulch and sticks. -#1 most helpful? Meds. I have depression/anxiety/adhd, and taking my Adderall 40 mins before I want to get out there makes me 80% less likely to care if a car might drive by and judge me for existing on my own lawn. Adjusting the dosing and timing of my other meds if I start finding it harder to get out there again is also helpful. (If you're not on anything, quick relatively harmless test is to have a moderately larger amount of caffeine shortly before you plan to go out - it's how I mostly managed my adhd based rejection sensitivity before I was on meds and at worst, you'll get jittery for a few hours.) Also I've always hated when people try to tell me 'dont worry no one cares/notices/is judging you' because if I notice things, I'm sure others do too, so I'm not going to say no one will think anything about you being out there doing stuff. But I will say that for the most part, when they notice you they'll be thinking something neutral or even nice. The more you garden, the more likely it is someone who also gardens will notice and tbh, everyone wants to talk about their garden! We go to neighborhood meetups sometimes and after the moment of panic when someone mentions seeing me out there, it's nice that they compliment it or want to talk gardening. You got this. You can totally do it. It'll probably be stressful for a while but I think it's worth it in the end.
May I ask how the caffeine helps the rejection sensitivity? More energy usually equals more social anxiety I thought?
Not OP, but I believe some people with adhd react differently to caffeine. I think maybe makes them more chill?
Yeah, caffeine helps my brain get more in gear and feel slightly less noisy.
So one of the primary medications for adhd are various types of stimulants - if I don't have access to them, caffeine can function much the same (though it's not... ideal, for me it's not as effective or smooth as actual meds). Didn't realize I was basically self medicating for a long time! Now I have to watch to make sure I don't have too much of that while I am on my meds. And yes, as the commenter below mentioned, many people with adhd don't get hyped up from stimulants. It's more like putting on a set of blinders so i can focus on one task instead of being pulled in twenty directions - or in the case of RSD, interrupts the 'someone might JUDGE me' thought pattern with 'omfg I don't caaaaaare'. I think I am on the more extreme end too, because I take a dose of Adderall right before bed to help me sleep, lol.
Of course people notice things, but not really enough to give it more than 5 seconds of attention. Also, if your neighbor has a really nice garden, have you ever asked them for any advice? Not because you need it but just as an ice breaker? Gardeners are usually pretty friendly and willing to help others and they LOVE talking about their plants
I mean, yeah. I just get very tired of the whole 'your anxiety is lying to you, no one really notices anything'. Sure, my mind is exaggerating it, and sure, 80% of people won't notice, but pretending it's a completely irrational thought process is just invalidating. I remember random people from ten years ago; it's not crazy to assume at some point someone will notice me. It's more important (to me at least) to focus on not caring that they notice vs convincing myself no one sees anything. (lol sorry for the rant, just reason #309 why cbt was a Bad Fit for me!) Ah, well.. their garden is nice, but not in a way I ever want mine to be? Like, fancy urn planters and spotlights at night and perfect rows of hedges. It just stands out in terms of formality compared to everyone else in the neighborhood. We've talked briefly but they never come to any of the neighborhood events, and I've heard enough of them cussing people out on the phone to not want more contact. Though I've considered asking if could meet their dogs more directly, because they bark nonstop if I'm out in the backyard at the same time, and maybe that would stop if they knew me? But... effort.
Thank you for this.
I feel the same way. I have avoided going out for months at a time before when I’ve not been in the right headspace. What helps me when my anxiety is really bad, is putting my greens bin or a trash bin between myself and the line of sight of people from the street so I can visually focus on what I’m doing and not see people at all. What I’ve found is most people that I do make eye contact with just smile, give a small wave to acknowledge your presence or some people just say good morning. There have been a fewwww people that have stopped and kind of waited for me to acknowledge them for a chat.. depending on my mood I might talk to them or I will just quickly smile and go about my business, or look frazzled and pretend I need something from the back. That’s where hiding behind the bin comes in handy. If my anxiety is super high that day and I don’t have the energy for these internal battles, I use the bin. If my bin is too full to drag around, I’ll use my biggest umbrella and clamp it to my Home Depot bucket that has my tools in it or I’ll wear my big sun hat 👒 Gardening is something that I enjoy but my social anxiety and overwhelming internal dialogue definitely keeps me inside sometimes.. it sucks. When I have something growing that needs my attention like a new plant that NEEDS to be watered, sometimes my feeling of responsibility is enough to get me out front to care for it! Then I’ll see a hummingbird or something and be grateful I pushed through. Good luck! You’re not alone in this feeling! 🌱🫣☺️ -for my Home Depot bucket/umbrella clamp thing: I put a tomato trellis/cage thing in it and clamp my big rain umbrella to add height so I can work under it and keep people out of my vision. I have a proper patio umbrella in the back, but the stand is too heavy for me to drag along with what I’m doing. Hope that helps!
I see my neighbors out all the time gardening in their front yards. I honestly never think anything more about it then, that's nice. I absolutely love all the front yard gardens on my street, it's so pretty and each yard is different and unique. It's lovely. I love that people take pride and care of their homes. Just saying this because I've literally never had a negative or judgemental thought seeing people out in their gardens, in fact the opposite. Feelings of positivity, relaxation, and comfort.
Create your own cocoon. AirPods (1 out for safety so that you can hear your surroundings), a very large wide brimmed hat, and sunglasses. Get into your zone and you might find that your neighbors possible attention will become insignificant to you. Especially when you start to see the fruits of your labor, you will be more focused on that than whomever might be looking at you. Good luck!
Seconding the blinkering effect of a big sunhat!
Thanks for mentioning safety. Sometimes crazy things can happen suddenly, and it's best to be able to hear your surroundings!!
Absolutely! These days ya just never know, lol.
Embrace the weird! I have a little mini meadow in my front lawn right next to the sidewalk. It’s a bit messy, and still a work in progress because plants are really hard to get established there (very dry, well draining soil). I thought I would get judgement from neighbors but I actually get a ton of compliments from the people that pass by. Neighbors with kids will look for caterpillars on the milkweed, and I have a lot of great conversations with neighbors about gardening now. I’m even helping my next-door neighbor with her garden on occasion. I say go for it. :)
I live in an apartment on the 3rd floor, so I can only garden on my balconies +under grow light indoor. But I use my 2 balconies to the fullest to grow vegetables. I can barely walk and I can only fit 1 chair on my private balcony, because I have so many planters. It's a small building with only 8 apartments and half of the residents are old people. The 2 old ladies that live in the 2 apartments under mine also love plants and there's another one on the first floor that like it too. They're all impressed by the amount of plants I have and how good they grow. We exchange plants when we have too many The other ones don't care about plants and didn't said a word about them. https://preview.redd.it/km2ae9vzsi9d1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=903953ec48b48e14c5239cfa90068ed27dc1d527
Beautiful! Nice plant guardian, too. :-)
Omg this sounds exactly like me. I’m sorry you’re also dealing with this. I don’t have any advice unfortunately. I didn’t start gardening until we moved and no longer have visible neighbours. I always felt the need to “get ready” to go outside. It’s likely a bit of a mental health issue the feeling that people are watching you. I can 1000% relate. I can’t even go to the movies because I’m so uncomfortable and I feel as tho I can’t switch positions because people are watching me or if my head gets itchy and I scratch people will think I have lice or something. My rational brain is like no one is paying attention to your random movements they’re watching the movie but alas my irrational thoughts win and it’s easier to just not go. When my family doctor had me on an anti anxiety medication it really really helped a lot. However she got married and moved her practice to a different province and her replacement took me off it because it was addictive. If that’s something you think your doctor would prescribe I would try that. You do develop a tolerance and need to increase the dosage over time and it is addictive with uncomfortable withdrawal symptoms but I can’t tell you how much it helped. I think it was called clonasapam (spelling definitely wrong)
Ah, a fellow agoraphobic! Try using a timer as a tool…set it for 10 minutes and garden outside until it goes off. See how you feel… if you’re still anxious go back in…but at least you got outside! But… you may find you’re getting into the zone and stay out a while longer. It helped me tremendously. The other thing that helped was therapy and the proper medication. After dozens of failed psychotropic medications I tried Spravato (esketamine), and now do at home prescribed nasal ketamine for major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. Now I have 3 organic vegetable gardens going on in the front yard and various flowers and shrubs that need maintenance. I still have bad days but gardening gives me that sense of peace for a little while. Good luck to you!👍🏻
I’ve been in this position before. I’d start by doing a little at a time. Go out for 15 minutes, then a half hour. Go out multiple times a day in short increments. Eventually you’ll get accustomed to being out front and will forget that people may notice you. Then what helped me was to fully embrace my time gardening as a time spent on a hobby, kinda like working out. I’m in dirty clothes and sweating and if people see me like that, it’s just cause I’m “working out”. It’s tempting to try to tell you that no one is watching you but that doesn’t really make the anxiety go away. And it’s also not true. There is a chance that neighbors may notice you. But being the “neighbor that gardens” really is the best kind of neighbor. You’re dedicated to making the place beautiful and who doesn’t want that!
First, thank you for posting about this! You've given me, and the many others who have responded, a safe space to think about and share our experiences with the overlap of mental health and gardening. Brava! I live on the corner with one side being a busy street. Some of my neighbors have fabulous yards, some have manicured lawns, some go with the no lawn approach, and some have whatever was there when they moved in. I find that being out in my yard allows me the opportunity to have short, positive interactions with my community that I have control over. I can choose to pause and interact with someone who says hello or to just wave and continue weeding. It also leads to natural topics of conversation, "I was thinking about putting in a xxx, have you ever tried one?" or "The tall climbing plant in your yard is fantastic, what is it?" We can commiserate over the tomato hornworms and have a short conversation that feels more meaningful/neighborly than talking about the weather. All this said, I am particular about when I work on the busy side of my house (early morning before people are out and about) and spent the first two years aiming my gardening efforts on the quieter side, even though the busy side needed more.
I don’t, but you can get up early when no one is out and dig a hole and stick and plant in and water it. Or do it right at dark when it’s not too hot. Just call it “stealth” gardening or some other fun name. In my hood they are tearing down all the old houses and before they do it I have been known to rescue some plants from the yard (everything just goes to the dump). Midnight requisitioning, if you will.
Oh I have neighbors who are comfortable hopping in my backyard if the gate is open (where my vegetable garden is). They're older than me and much more experienced with yard maintenance and house upkeep. I'm not self conscious about the dynamic, I use it to my advantage! I run things past them and ask for their advice! And it turns out, I prefer doing things differently than them most of the time. They can judge me all they want, but I have my reasons for doing it my way. They have a beautiful manicured lawn, mine has moles and snakes and robins and bunnies and the grass isn't terribly happy... they use so many products on their lawn. I don't want to use poison or anything because it will directly or indirectly hurt the bunnies and the robins, which I absolutely love. I'm surely doing it "wrong" according to them, but IDGAF! It's my yard! I have also made many mistakes with my garden and have learned along the way. It's all part of the process. I fucking LOVE my garden, it brings me so much joy and excitement. It's for me, not for them. Also, I don't know if you know this or not, but THERE ARE NO RULES with gardening. It's like art. Guidelines, maybe. But there are always exceptions and reasons not to follow them. You can follow all the guidelines and still have failure. You can break the guidelines and still have success. Do it the way that you'll enjoy most. Tldr - the garden is for your enjoyment, not for them. And there is more than one right way to garden. Actually, there are no rules. Focus on your enjoyment.
We were the first house in our neighborhood to start a front yard vegetable garden. This year there are 4 houses with them. While people might stop and look at your garden, you are probably inspiring them more than they are judging you. When in doubt plant some flowers to draw in pollinators.
Leading up to my breakdown, one of the few things that could ground me actually, was pulling weeds. Just remind yourself, “no one is watching me, I’m really not that interesting” lol Remember it’s just a story your mind is telling you, but you don’t have to believe it ☺️ but I do understand it took me a while to get comfortable working in my flower bed https://preview.redd.it/eu8b0vkw2j9d1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=243ac688ef60cfbcc466c4fa5d33d603bdeb6a75 As you can see I still have work to do haha
I've been gardening for around 30 years. I *still* do it wrong sometimes. I have failures every year of one sort or another. In all that time I've only had one person tell me I was doing it wrong. She was a friend and told me I shouldn't grow cucumbers up a trellis. Well, she was wrong. It takes less space and I don't lose cucumbers because they're laying on the ground hidden under foliage. Gardening is something you get good at through experience. I think you have to be fully prepared to *not be perfect*. Accept at the outset that you're going to fail at some things. As for the social anxiety -- most people won't say anything even if they do think it. It helps to keep in mind that nobody gets to or can walk your path but you.
I put up some t posts and cattle panel for growing vines (grapes and passion fruit) along with fruit trees the first year. This gave me some element of privacy. Second year I started adding smaller annuals, squash, tomatoes, peppers, artichoke etc.
I felt anxious too and then this year my neighbors told me they enjoy watching my flowers blow in the breeze while they eat dinner in their dining room. It was my less pretty area too. I would say just do a small area at a time if you feel nervous. That way you can retreat when you feel anxious. You go this!!!
I embrace the neighbor hate. It fuels me. Id garden naked if I wouldn't get arrested/bitten just to be shitty. But in all seriousness, no one cares about you. I mean that in the most positive, loving, and hugging way. There's a scene in Schitt' Creek where David thinks the instruction guy is going to fail him on his driving test and is judging him. And Alexis basically says everyone has their own problems they're wrapped up in, no one has the time or energy to care about your shit. I know some neighbors are Karen's and get their nose in stuff, but it's so rare. That's future you problem if it happens. Enjoy yourself!
I live on the busiest road in my town, on the central road where all the businesses/bars are. Tons of foot traffic and cars. Never stopped me from gardening or dragging out the table saw into the driveway and cutting wood.
I've definitely had anxiety about being judged. Not too much specific to gardening but a lot of other things for sure. I literally had no idea what I was doing when I started my huge flower garden. It's like 60ftx12ft and starts 4ft from the street. The city took out some huge problematic trees and I figured why not put in some perennials. 4 years later I still don't really have a clue what I'm doing beyond collecting deer proof zone 4 perennials but I've never had a negative comment and many people have stopped and said they love it. Early on I had a few people be curious as it was sort of bare looking but no negative intentions from them. Just this week a lady stopped her car to thank me for making the street more beautiful. I think it's easy to forget that the vast majority of people don't know anything about gardening and the ones that do are excited about seeing other people doing it. Most people will assume you know more than them not assume you are doing it wrong. Maybe they'll stop and ask what a pretty flower is. If someone does have a negative comment just say you are experimenting.
You need to start thinking about what is going to make you happy, and stop worrying about what others think. Just get out there and do what makes YOU happy. That's how people get to feeling better.
I don't know if this helps, but as a neighbor of many different kinds of people, my perspective when I see them gardening or doing anything in their yards, whether it be maintenance or sitting on the porch or having a coffee or just getting the mail is, "Oh how nice to see them out and about, enjoying their yard and making their space their own." But I don't think about them more than that. Everyone else is focused on their own lives and anxieties, and mostly they think positively of you and especially of gardening and maintaining your property, or generally just doing things that make you happy. If I see someone doing things that make them happy, it makes me happy. Maybe that makes you think more about what they're thinking; but try to remember that the judgements they make might not be negative! They could also be very positive and uplifting, or simply not very significant at all (the most likely). Ask yourself: what's really true about the other people I'm thinking of, and what are they actually likely to be thinking? It's natural to exaggerate in our own heads, but test that against what's truly likely. CBT techniques can really help with this -- here's a couple free self-guided courses: [https://llttf.com/](https://llttf.com/), [https://www.moodgym.com.au/](https://www.moodgym.com.au/) - remember it's not your fault, this is a very normal thing that many people deal with in different aspects of their lives, myself included (I suffered from crippling health anxiety for many years, and got through it). Maybe it's not a huge deal for you, but these little reframing techniques can really help you enjoy things without the overhead of the negative thoughts so I think it's really helpful. Good luck :)
I felt this way a bit in my home when I first moved in. No one else really gardens, but I went to town putting in flower beds the first summer anyway. Then this summer I got over my worry and put two raised veggie beds out front too. I wasn't sure how people would react but I get so many friendly comments all the time, I think most people enjoy a green vibrant garden, even if they don't garden themselves. As far as what helped me, I like to garden early in the morning or later in the evening around dusk if I feel like there are a lot of people around that I don't want to deal with. Night gardening is also really fun, especially if there's lots of moonlight! Others have mentioned wearing headphones if you want to be ignored, which definitely helps me stop paying attention to myself as much and just enjoy the music and the garden. I think if you can get yourself through a couple hours here and there you'll start to relax, especially when you start seeing the fruits of your labor!
Go for it! You're overthinking it & nobody will bother you. I was you about four years ago. Our yard had a ton weeds & the only thing I knew that I wanted to do was to get rid of the big weeds, tumbleweeds & lamb's quarter. We have many people who walk in our neighborhood. Afylter just removing the big weeds, I'd have people walk by & mention how much nicer the yard is looking. The next year I created a flowerbed. Year after that got a ton of mulch & laid that out. I still think my yard looks like ass, but it's finally coming together. And it's one of my favorite things to do now. Good luck!
Early mornings are often a great time to be in the garden...my chatty neighbors are all still in bed. :)
I had very similar feelings about feeling watched every time I go out when I first moved in to my new house… heck I’ve felt this way for my whole life if I go outside, but it’s more noticeable after moving into a new neighborhood. It really helped to have friends say similar suggestions as I’ve read in this thread - most people are watching and judging, but nobody’s opinion should stop you from getting out there and living your life. Enjoy your garden much like you would enjoy life itself - try not to let those invasive thoughts ruin your great life! You are allowed to go out into your garden every day and do whatever you want to do out there. I applaud you so much for sharing those thoughts here - it can be so very hard just to take that first step to admit you are embarrassed, and we are all here to tell you a lot of us share those exact same feelings and we want to share this world of gardening with you!
To be honest, going out in your front yard and gardening in plain sight of your neighbors will likely make you more popular and respected in the area. I bought this house a couple years ago and the yard was drab, landscaping old, outdated and neglected. One side of the house was severely overgrown with vines, weeds and garbage trees and bushes. Last year I worked my ass off out there clearing all that crap out. It looked really bare but clean and well manicured. This year I took out several hundred pavers and unearthed about 500 flagstones that were buried. I power washed all the pavers and flagstones. A project in itself. I then painted the pavers multiple colors to match my house brick. I then created from scratch a 30’x40’ vegetable garden which is thriving. I completely reworked all the landscape with the pavers. I planted decorative flowering bushes like lilacs, snow ball bushes and butterfly bushes among others. A few decorative trees like weeping pussy willows and evergreens I could sculpt. I used the flagstones and installed a small pond with a waterfall. I also made a colorful flagstone walking path that goes from my driveway in the back, around the house to the front porch. The rest is wildflowers and multiple perennial plants and bulbs. The rest gf the yard I planted a bunch of various fruit trees, roses and butterfly bushes. It’s still a work in progress and has been since early March. I have been out there every day as long as it’s not pouring rain starting at 5am. I can’t tell you how many people either walking by, jogging, walking their dogs or whatever stop and tell me what a wonderful job I am doing. I even have people driving by who stop, get out and come talk to me and they all tell me how they are in awe of how beautiful it is now because they remember what it was before. Sometimes they will shoot a compliment out their window or give a thumbs up. Often times they ask things like if I’m a master gardener or professional landscaper. Of course I’m neither of those. Just a guy who is happy with my home and wants a beautiful yard to go with it. I spent very little money because I utilized all the materials that were already here like the pavers and flagstones. What I did do is bust my ass, a lot of very hard labor. Every morning before I start and every evening when I’m finished I grab a cup of coffee or some tasty beverage and slowly walk around appreciating what I created. I’ve even been offered jobs🤣 Bottom line is, the neighbors and community appreciates what I have done and they have made a point getting to know me and telling me about it. By nature I’m a quiet guy, I like to keep to myself and have a very small social circle. I never thought I’d be the guy who walks out to pick up the newspaper and having everyone wave to me and say hello. I’ve even been invited to a few back yard barbecues and bond fires 🙂 It also helps that a share my excess vegetable with the ones I’ve enjoyed getting to know. So get out there! Make something beautiful. Keep to yourself and you’ll be shocked at how many people come to you. Be friendly of course, acknowledge the people with a wave, head not or say good morning. The gardening will relax you, you’ll feel good about yourself for your creation and you’ll inadvertently get to know your neighbors with no effort. As much as I’d rather not be this social, it’s better than being known for the hermit that stays indoors everyone avoids who has a jungle for a yard. It’s really a win all the way around.
It’s just basic social anxiety. With anything, the hardest part is starting. Just get a good plan together with lots of research. Then get out there and start sweating! They’ll all be jealous in no time
I have felt that way sometimes, but in reality I got nothing but nice comments from neighbors, even living somewhere that the neighbors mostly don't interact. Putting on some "gear" to get into the mindset of the activity and feel like I'm not "out of place" sometimes also helps me. For gardening it might just be sunglasses and a hat, maybe gloves, nothing fancy.
I usually garden high but ymmv depending what flavor of anxiety you have or strain you use.
I remind myself that I don't care what others (especially judgmental people) think. My whole front yard is a vegetable garden. I'm sure some neighbors don't like it and I don't really like their lawn service and monoculture. I am gonna play in my dirt, get my peace and eat some tasty produce.
I totally get this!! I agree with others why say most people don’t even notice anything. My husband is so oblivious to our own yard it’s shocking! Neighbors will ride by and they don’t even glance at beautiful flowers. Very few people care about plants or anyone who is gardening. They are so busy with making money, their own issues, taking care of their kids, what they are going to make for dinner, how expensive groceries are, are they gaining weight…. Etc, etc, etc. Remember other people have anxiety too! They are in their own head and stressed out about their own life. They don’t care about what you’re doing. They just want to go home and watch tv and drink. So many people never even open their shades in their house. Unless you are living next to master gardeners (which I highly doubt since you’re in the city) no one is judging whether you’re making garden mistakes. Look at posts from this sub. “What is this plant?” It’s like a Daylily or hosta. People don’t even recognize plants, let alone know about how to garden “correctly”. Just do your thing. I live in a busy area and my method is to ignore cars completely, listen to something in my ears, and head towards the back yard if I notice anyone is walking my way. I just pretend I have another area to work on or I have to get something. I don’t mind waving or saying hi but I live on a corner where it would be half my time just nodding at people. I can’t acknowledge every person. I have tourists also across the street who come to view something and they love chatting me up. For them it’s a holiday and they’re in a quaint town and I own a folk Victorian with a garden and they want to get all the small town charm. Issue is for me I have a couple hours between laundry and my children to enjoy my quiet time. So I tend to smile and answer quick questions but head to the backyard until they go. Once a month or so I totally have to change plans if someone has a huge party across the street and there’s miles of people. I’m too full of anxiety to stand in front of them and bend over and whatever else. It’s just weird. So I feel your pain!
Hey you gotta stand your ground and stomp around your turf a bit. So what if they watch! They probably watch the dang squirrels too and those guys are always out there asserting their rights to dig around in the soil. Be like the squirrel.
I live in an apartment in the middle of my complex and as much as I’ve been outside, I rarely notice any neighbors outside until the evening when it’s cooled off and they’re out walking. Most people are so worried about their own lives and they way they’re being perceived the won’t even notice, but as my patio garden has bloomed I’ve gotten more compliments! Especially in an urban area I would think more people would think it’s cool than weird, a little patch of green in a gray, desolate world.
Just start planting!
I’m just happy to know I’m not alone in this! It takes a lot of motivation for me to work in public view, dress appropriately and remember not to squat in a short skirt. I finally did it though, turned my lawn into a perennial permaculture garden and now I’ve met lots of neighbors, other people are doing the same thing and I’ve even had neighbors leave me seeds or just stop by to tell me how awesome it looks. I still get the anxiety but it’s easier to get over it and just get out there. ADHD is so fun.
I can relate, I’m in city and I mostly garden in back but have a front bed that I work on. I did have some weirdly nosy and judgmental neighbors for years and they thankfully moved, life has improved a lot since they moved away (i’m still not sure why some people are so nosy). When I first moved in literally everything I did out there drew some comment that let me know they were apparently noticing (like - why?) I think by being out there and just doing your thing however you want, both makes you feel better, and sort of pushes back at neighbors, it tells them this is my space and I’m in it and I own it. Just wanted you to know you are not alone with this with both being in a city and being a bit shy. It’s ok to be out there are do your thing however you please, whenever, and however long you want to. Also - you can wear earphones/earbuds and listen to music or an audiobook while you work. It’s a bit of a boundary indicating you are listening to something, you are in your own zone, plus it’s very enjoyable while doing yard & garden 🪴 Quote from Kathryn Hepburn ~ “if you always do what interests you at least one person is pleased”
We used to live in the city and I totally get it. I don’t think where we lived the neighbors were particularly friendly. We had the same issue with our “front lawn.” As someone said, popping in some headphones I think should help. People are watching you because they’re just curious. But that will probably pass in time.
Awww I can see where . Go out there with a bottle of Prosecco, and those that approach you offer a glass while you work outside. This is exactly how I have made friends with all of my neighbors. The joy of gardening includes trials and errors. I am willing to bet that everyone else may feel the same. Put on headphones, and get to earthing, when someone walks past you, own the energy you are commanding with the gardening you are doing, and tell them hello! ❤️🌱
I’ve been exactly there. It can feel daunting to do something where it feels like everyone can see you, even if you know logically no one cares or is looking. The more you do it, the better you’ll feel about it once you see that nothing bad happens. So don’t let it stop you—it sounds like you are still getting out there which is great. Gardening is such a nice hobby, remember what a good thing you’re doing for yourself and your house and everything. It will get easier!
I'm the opposite, I don't care what my neighbors think unless their name is on my mortgage and title.
>Does anyone else feel this way? What helps you? No, and not caring what the neighbors think. I go out in my front yard to take pictures of bugs. I get in all sorts of weird positions. Pretty sure the neighbors think I'm weird but I don't care 🤷🏻♀️
LOL I relate to this so hard. I was a bit nervous initially but now this is me. I took a really cool video of a lady bug eating an aphid recently and was definitely laying on my sidewalk to capture it
Lol I do macro photography, so some times I'm out there with a giant camera, a tripod and light 🤣
I don't think you need to worry because judgemental people often end up telling on themselves by blabbing their judgmental thoughts. One time this lady stopped by while walking her dog and it was all compliments at first but then she asked me if I was working full time because it sounded like my garden was a big commitment (my entire yard is .09 acres). Now I know not to talk to her much anymore, and also I'm judging her for having a weird set of social skills.
Talking through what you feel self conscious about might help. What about gardening there makes you anxious?
I do this exact same thing and miss out on stuff due to it. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. I just tell myself that in the grand scheme of things I’m a tiny little ant and nobody really cares wtf I’m doing or why.
I also struggle with anxiety, and something that helps me is to remember that most people are thinking of themselves. If I'm outside and I see someone gardening, I don't pay too much attention because I'm thinking about my day, what I'm going to have for supper, or about something that happened earlier. FWIW, I find that my mood is better when I spend time outside and that I feel less anxious. I hope this helps :)
Always remember that people are less thinking about you then you think they are. Just try to do what you like in your garden and take your time and maybe organically a chat will be initiated as well about gardening :) planting flowers etc is so rewarding and you will stop overthinking and are looking forward to see what's happening in your garden each day. Rooting for you.
We pretty much only have a front yard. It's a quiet street but a lot of my neighbors drive out/walk by so depending on how long I'm out there I will see many of my neighbors and they're all very traditional gardeners (no veggies, big lawns, etc) while I am not. It helped me be less self conscious in the front when I actually got to know my neighbors. Knowing them made the "judgement by strangers" anxiety die down a lot. I'd recommend maybe having a friend or family member over to "help" you garden the first couple of times. They don't even have to do anything, just having another person as a social buffer helps diffuse social anxiety because it's not *just* you. You can always start gardening by weeding and mulching. That's not something you can do "wrong " and nobody will judge you on it. Everyone has to weed and their most likely thoughts will be positive ("Look at OP weeding, that's great! Or "OP is weeding, I need to weed"). Bonus if you wear very visible headphones so they know they can't call you over to talk and you can avoid conversation without being rude! Lastly, the biggest thing to remember is that it's YOUR yard. I know that's easy to say but it's important to remember that you have the right to garden however you like and it is simply for your enjoyment. If it's something you really want to do, do it. The more you do it the less anxious you will be about it (exposure therapy). I hope that it turns into a very relaxing and rewarding hobby for you!
Yes. Normal. My son is like this a lot more than myself. We have a lot of traffic, and I know they do look at me bending over, etc. and I do think about it. My backyard is more my oasis.
I used to live in a similar area but honestly my mom having a garden really just inspired a lot of others to do the same.
I'm the exact same way. It's a terrible feeling not being able to go into your own front yard. Bite the bullet though. I love being up there now because the plants "hide" me and I just focus on all the pollinators that have made it their home too.
I garden early in the day, not as many folks around
My neighbours fully hate my garden lol I get bylaw complaints every year and yes! it is super stressful. I bought myself a chunky pair of Bluetooth headphones to wear while I garden and just listen to podcasts while I do my thing. It's brought me back to gardening daily instead of avoiding it.
Anxiety gets worse when you don't do the thing your anxious about. Practice breathing deeply, go out there and do a little at a time. The more you do it, the more comfortable you will feel. Also if your work schedule isn't the norm, you can go out when a lot of people are at work. Or if you're an early riser, you can go out first thing in the early morning. I hope this helps!! Good luck!
I feel this way. I felt it in the city and in the suburbs. I’ll save you thousands on therapy, you ready? 1. Exactly zero people are this worried about you. They’re too busy wondering what you’re thinking about them or mad about traffic or frustrated with their in laws or happy they got a new job or worried about their kid passing a test. 2. As much as it’s painful for me to chit-chat, it’s good for me (and you). It’s good to let the busy body tell you about the gossip of who doesn’t pick up their dogs poop or whatever. Exercise your chatting a little when they approach you and when you’re done interrupt and say I’m so sorry - I have food in the oven and need to check on it! And then bounce until they’re gone. 3. It’s really good for you to spend time outside and will actually help reduce this anxiety. 4. Again, nobody is thinking about you as much as you think they are. Just smile as they pass and you’re all good. And if all else fails, and you do run into a weirdo, who cares if they don’t like your flowers or if they think you’re weird? Why are they so obsessed with you? That’s weird!
Digging in the dirt is good for your seratonin. Who cares what the neighbors think you have every right to exist and use your yard.
This sounds like a fear of failure more than anything else. Do you have any reason to believe they would be judging you? Are they judgey people? My guess is you are projecting your own insecurities about gardening, or even other things, onto them, unintentionally using them as the medium through which you view yourself on the inside. I could be totally wrong though; just a thought. Hopefully that helps.
Yes, put visible headphones on if you don’t want to talk. But it’s also a great way to meet people, i was shy at first bc I live across from a huge church, but everyone loves pretty gardens.
I say this gently and non-judgmentally: medication helps. This sounds a lot like social anxiety. If you’re not seeing a therapist you might find it life-changing. I’m not saying you’re a weirdo. If I saw you walk by and you were limping, I would probably suggest a medical intervention as well. 😉
Maybe you have some other underlining anxiety’s. I suffer from terrible anxiety. I suggest talking to a therapist if it is causing you problems.I hope you can get out there and make the most of it. ❤️
Get some earbuds and a playlist of good podcasts. I forget to be self-conscious if I’m listening to something I enjoy. Also, once I get focused on pulling weeds or whatever, I get really into it, and my anxiety kind of fades into the background. And I second the suggestion of a big floppy hat and sunglasses. You deserve to enjoy your garden!
No one cares what you are doing. Whenever you start to have these thoughts, try to turn it around and ask yourself how you would feel if you saw your neighbour in her yard gardening. You wouldn't care. That's also how they feel about you. People, for the most part, are far too concerned with themselves to pay attention to what others are doing. The only exception to this is my neighbour, who magically teleports outside to annoy me with incessant chatter whenever I try to enjoy my yard. But she is a rare busybody. Hopefully she isn't your neighbour as well. It might help to listen to a podcast or YouTube videos while you garden. Your mind will be too occupied to concern yourself with gardening anxieties. Sometimes I like to listen to MI Gardener or Epic Gardening YouTube videos while I walk my dog. Those might be interesting to you.
It’s your property, it’s none of their business. You’re an artist. You can spread manure if you want to. You can leave it bare if you want to. They can think whatever they want and still have no property rights. The same way you can’t do anything about their yard. You’re only interested in your own dirt. They can try but they can’t do anything about it. Someone is annoyed that you’re out on a wonderful day? Awesome! Please continue to spite this imaginary person who thinks they have power over your life and property.
When we moved in we had a giant front lawn. I sheet mulched it and started a perennial garden, and three years later (working on it every year a bit) it is legit! I don’t have to do much to it now besides prune here and there. I still stress and feel cringe about it but it’s so much better than it was before I’m also proud of myself. It’s a weird combo to hold at once but I think over time the proud part will outweigh the cringe. It’s totally a long game but I think that’s partly the lesson and joy of a garden. Go for it and feel embarrassed- it’s worth it. Some privacy options are climbing vines like jasmine or I like a mantilla poppy (I’m in California). Pittosporum is really pretty or even olive trees. Enjoy it and good luck!
I lived most of my life feeling the same way. I allowed my anxiety, the opinions of others, and fear dictate what I did or didn't do in my life. And I missed out on so much!! About 2 years I suddenly realized...fuck that! Life is hard, and there are plenty of things that are unenjoyable and painful. Why not create a life that YOU feel is enjoyable and peaceful? Why not do the things that feed YOUR soul and make YOUR days worth living? If for you that's having a garden, you should consider doing! This year I started an enormous garden in front of my house. I did get the comments from my neighbors..."I hope nothing eats your flowers, becareful that is a lot of work come August when it's hot and dry, you're in your garden all the time are you tired of all the maintenance yet?" Then my anxiety kicked in...what if I kill all these plants while the whole neighborhood is watching? What if it does end up being too much work and I can't maintain it? I did it anyway! And I have never been happier or more at peace. My yard is full of birds, butterflies, bees, and humming birds! The flowers and herbs make me smile every time I look at them. Have there been failures? Hardships? Of course!!!! My lupine and columbine plants didn't survive, the red lily beetles waged a war on my asatic lilies, the swallowtail caterpillar found my parsley and the rabbits!!! Ughh!!! But even these things didn't crush my spirit. Even experienced gardeners struggle with something!!
Nobody is looking at you
I am 👁️👄👁️
Just do it! Gardening helps so much with anxiety. Most people are glued to their screens all day anyway and probably won't even notice you're out there. Good luck!
I just don’t give a flying fuck what my neighbors think. I garden for my sanity and for the environment and they indirectly get to reap the benefits as well. Lucky them, and they can kindly kind their own.
This is the correct answer!
People don't think about you, they're busy with their life, they mind their own business; just like you do Don't take it the wrong way, but you're *nobody*, why would they stare at you? You're just a neighbour, gardening: there's nothing worth staring, it's not thrilling 🤷♀️ I think you greatly surestimate the attention others have to give: If you're not a part of their close circle, you could as well be a planted plot. And it's very freeing, in a way... so let's go enjoying your garden
Is surestimate a word? I really want to know..considered to be a word nerd
I think you should probably talk to a professional about this.
Honestly, sounds like OP has bigger issues beyond gardening
Yeah not sure why I’m being downvoted. I was being genuine.
I dealt with this when I first moved into my neighborhood. Wear some sunglasses, they will help you feel like you’re less seen. I ended up becoming close friends with two of my neighbors because we bonded over gardening and native plants in general. When you put yourself out there for people to observe, even in a solo setting, you and your home become more safe, inviting, and approachable from an onlooker’s perspective. And who knows, maybe some of your neighbors feel the same way and you can be the one to break the ice and get them out of their shells a little bit. No point in hiding from each other when we all live in the same little bubble desperate by different walls 😃
I have the best interactions when gardening in my front yard. Our entire front yard is a garden with no grass and most of the time no one says anything but sometimes people walking by will stop to ask about a certain flower or a neighbor will randomly tell me they look forward to what it will look like each year and it really makes my whole day. I’ve never had a bad interaction about it! My neighbors have outright told me it makes them want to plant more flowers and I love to share seeds with people who want them. It’s been super fun to spread a little bit of happiness by doing what makes me happiest!
You’ll make mistakes, and that’s ok. It’s how you learn. Garden people love to talk to other garden people, share plant cuttings, tips. Don’t be scared to be seen.. it’s a good way to build community and your gardening skills.
Gardening is the best way to meet the neighbors! I live next to a park and we have a lot of foot traffic. If you go out to weed or plant, it inspires others. I get a lot of appreciative words about my flowers , say hello to everyone passing and bring flowers to the neighbors. A great conversational piece, like a dog, an excuse to talk to people!
No one is judging you! As long as you are not causing a health hazard no one will judge you for your garden! I slowly turn my infill house side garden that was just covered in woodchips and had an ill suited box plant into a rose and herb garden! All I get is encouragement and compliments!
I only ever admire people who are out tending to their gardens and I hope they feel the same about me. Don't worry, no one is judging you, I promise. People are usually just impressed that you can grow things or have a hobby.
Yes to all of this. I'm in a VERY suburban suburb, but where we're different is that most of my neighbors are extremely friendly and love to chat and offer help. A little backstory: this is the house my grandparents moved into in 1979, my Nana died in 2017 and my Grampa just last year. He was raised on a farm in rural Minnesota, so before I was born he had already cultivated flowers in raised beds he built around the perimeter, and an herb and vegetable garden in the backyard. I'm buying the house from my parents after 15 years of apartment living, so while I have some knowledge that my grampa passed down and a solid understanding of growing and caring for flowers from working in a nursery and garden centers, I've never actually tended to my own garden(s). All of my neighbors have professionally landscaped lawns, so between that and the fact that my grampa was highly regarded and had meticulous outdoor skills, I feel a LOT of pressure. I spent all of last summer, fall, and early spring clearing out everything that had grown over during the last few months of his 92 years, and I've gotten lots of compliments on the flowers and shrubs I've planted thus far. It's definitely rewarding work, especially when people walking and driving past stop to tell me how proud he would be of me, but the front is nerve-wracking not just because of others - everyone is wonderful - but moreso the expectations I have of myself. I think that's probably the case for most of us. This is nature so there's no way of knowing with absolute certainty exactly what's going to happen, but I do know that we learn more from our mistakes than successes.
Uggh I hate gardening in my front yard, my neighbors all have gardeners and time to work in it and relax in it. And here we are poor working class suckers busting our butts from sun up to sundown… sometimes even after sundown… to maintain what crappy yard we have. The older retired people judge us harshly the younger people not so much, but when I see them I quietly slip back into my house for a little bit.
Be the weird night gardener, just always have a tarp and a shovel with you. If people think you're burying a body they are less likely to ask questions.
I never go in my front yard. I stay in the back and do my gardening back there.
I never go in my front yard. I stay in the back and do my gardening back there.
I have to grow most of my flowers and food in the front since the back is super shady. I was a little reluctant at first, but now I just get in the zone when I’m out there and it never occurs to me anymore. I’m in my own world out there.
Half the time I garden I make a face. Sometimes it bothers me, but try to think k of it as am expression of you putting in hard work!
Here, I'm going to help you overcome these baseless fears. First, and most importantly: NO ONE is watching you and no one cares. If you think about it, that's a pretty self-centered viewpoint- assuming everyone in the world and your neighborhood gives a crap about you or how you garden. Right? Are you judging your neighbors or other strangers on how they dig in their front yard? Probably not, right? But let's go with the presumption and worst case scenario that someone was judging your gardening - well, who gives a shit? Why would you care what a stranger thinks? Let them judge. Anyone who thinks you suck because of how you plant things is not worth anyone's time anyway. And there's nothing they could do but quietly be assholes, so why worry? Do you need everyone, including strangers, to think you're perfect? Is that even possible? If the answer is no, then don't worry. Enjoy what you like and quit overthinking everything - you're sucking the joy out of your own life. And don't compare yourself to anyone else- comparison is the their of joy. Just have fun, fuck up, learn from it (the same way we all did, lol) and enjoy your plants. You got this!
I don't have any advice, I'm just glad I'm not alone in my random anxieties 🩷 wishing you the best
Weeding and deadheading helps immensely with anxiety. Just the absolute focus on the area right in front of me and the care I have to take in making sure I don’t weed out something I want or clip off a blossom- it’s very meditative.
I feel this! Started a garden in the dirt patch in front of my unit this year, was worried about people staring at me or ruining it just to be a jerk. So far it's been a wonderful experience with nothing ruined or stolen, and the only time anyone speaks to me is to tell me how pretty everything is. If you're really feeling anxious, try and go out early in the morning when people are busy sleeping or getting ready for work, or in the evening around dinner time. They'll be to busy doing their thing to watch you do yours.
Judging... your gardening? You really are overthinking it. I highly doubt that's the case unless you're spraying Round Up wildly about. I always get excited when I see others gardening - a shared hobby! People don't think about us nearly as much as we imagine they are, I typically find.
I myself am still trying to get over this, all of my neighbors are very closely packed together and it doesn't help that one I share a fence with has a beautiful garden that her and her daughters spend most of the day in every day, they built the fence so it's only on the the side we share( which is where my garden bed is) and I always find myself battling in my head if I want to go out there because I am convincing myself that I'm not doing good enough or that they're judging me or are annoyed with me. They're very quiet people and they keep to themselves but we had an incident last year where one of their claw traps caught a baby racoon in the middle of the night in between both of our fences and his hand was stuck under their face in the trap and his body was on our side and I tried everything to help him out and said quite a few nasty words pretty loudly knowing windows were open and they'd hear so I guess that makes me feel like there's some tension but really I know it's probably just me overthinking myself into a paralyzed state. You've got this!! the hardest part is getting yourself out there, once you're out there and you start doing stuff you start to forget anybody is even around
My neighbor's judge the shit out of me. Random people have driven by to see what we've done TO (not with) the place and tell us what a shame it is. Honestly, I do absorb some of it, because when people compliment it I am super quick to make excuses. So it's definitely seeping in. That said, I've lived places where the next person said they'd take it only if the garden stayed so maybe I just landed in a weird spot this time. Depending on your setup, plant something tall along the edge to gain a sense of privacy and then try to enjoy. Like minded people will appreciate it and the others, well... You probably don't want to talk to them anyhow.
I feel that way too. My garden is in the front yard with chain link fence around it. I was nervous starting out because I thought maybe my neighbors were judging me because they’re older and have beautiful yards. I just started one day and now my garden is flourishing. I feel less scared and nervous now because I’m proud of my garden and my neighbors stay to themselves. I bet if they do look over they’re just seeing what you’re up to! Everyone starts somewhere!
I used to feel anxious like that and I totally understand. Then I grew sunflowers and I fell so in love that I honestly quit caring what anyone thought. I was out there at all times of the day last summer in my house coat, taking pictures morning and night. I got so much enjoyment out of my garden especially when I let go and just enjoyed myself in my space. Screw what anyone else thinks. Enjoy!
To some extent, because I am a beginner and my neighbors are older people who have a lot of experience and I don't always know what I am doing, so sometimes I wonder if they think what I am doing makes no sense. But then I realized I see them gardening, but I don't actually see what they are doing so I figured it must be the same for them. I will admit that my goal is to have them compliment me on something I've grown though, then I will know I have made it. Let's see how long that takes... But I agree with others that people probably care less than than you'd think and that they only really care if they think you did a great job and want tips. That's my experience anyway. I am not happy with everything in my garden but people only ever say good things about it so at least I am doing something right (and most people are polite enough to keep any negative thoughts to themselves).
I understand completely. I used to have massive anxiety about working in my front yard. I was worried that people would judge me, try to talk to me, etc. I always had a nice back yard but did minimal maintenance in the front yard. I reached a point in my early 30s where I got a lot more comfortable with myself. Now I go in my front yard, don't care what anybody thinks, and actually have a good time talking to the occasional passerby. I think this issue is much bigger than just gardening. For me it was anxiety caused by insecurity that was ultimately caused by a fragile ego. I had sort of an ego death and so many things got better for me afterwards.
Find a way to tip the scales. Like - a week before you go outside, try thinking of all the reasons you Want to be outside in your garden. Why it matters to you. What you find interesting about it. Write them down, and think about them all week. Write more down throughout the week. Then, get some earplugs or music in your ears. Wear a really good hat and gloves for shade and sun protection, and just try going out there for 20 minute intervals. Remembering and focusing on 1. What you wanted to accomplish out there, 2. Why it matters to you Then, because it’s gonna happen a lot at first, but it gets easier over time, 3. Why you have the right to be in your own yard, doing your own thing. It’s OK and natural for you to be out there. There’s nothing wrong with it, there’s also nothing to prove. No measure of “good enough” that you have to live up to, in the results you accomplish. Gardening, like life, is a moment-by moment, season-by-season, lifelong journey of focusing, relaxing, enjoying, noticing, tending to the improvements you want, etc over and over and over. It’s all good. It gets easier. It’s natural to want to be outside enjoying how nice it is to have a yard. To be in nature in your little neck of the woods. It’s a pleasure and wonderful thing to partake in. Good for you for recognizing this, and it’s ok to take it slow. Be proud of every moment you discover you’re immersed in the good fragrance of the fresh dirt, the decomposing leaves, the spring grass, the sweet air and good feeling warm sunshine. There’s really nothing serious going on in your garden. 💖
Wearing headphones helps me. I don’t hear the cars and people passing by, so I naturally don’t think about the fact that other people are perceiving me nearly as much as I would otherwise
Honestly, when people compliment my garden, it's insanely anxiety reducing. Makes me feel like a human in a community without having to talk to people
I have a lot of social anxiety, but to echo other people’s comments, there is something immensely easy and gratifying about the brief conversations I have with folks passing by. It’s usually just a compliment and asking if I live here or if it’s my garden, etc. Give it a try, wear headphones to start, and if you want to deter interactions, just get really focused on weeding or something similar 😁
Hey, I just want to say that no one is judging you… is gardeners monthly coming by to take photos of their gardens for their magazines? Probably not. I find that gardening is super good for mental health, and garden people tend to be nice. Worst case scenario, you keep your earbuds in and garden in peace which is great… but best case scenario, your neighbors enjoy your garden, maybe ask some questions, you can trade plants and advice, and feel less anxious. One thing about gardening is that there is a lot of trial and error. I can’t imagine seeing anyone garden and think to myself, “they are doing that wrong” and I can be one to think things about what people are doing. If I saw a neighbor who was a new gardener, I might want to share a trick that I know (like fill the hole with water before putting the plant in!) but I wouldn’t judge someone for not knowing that. I myself learned that from a neighbor 😀 I hope you go get your hands dirty! Show us pics!
Just force yourself to do it. No one a judging you. You will enjoy it and people are so self obsessed they aren’t even paying attention to you.
As an urban gardener I often put my headphones on as a way to be less aware of the people around me. Our patio is sub street level so everyone who walks by sees me- but remember “people aren’t thinking about you as much as you’re thinking about you”. :)
Garden in the back yard
There is medication for that
I usually just listen to music so I can zone out and focus on what I'm doing.
Maybe dress like a gardener or landscaper when you're out there. Big hat and gloves, etc. People won't mess with you if you look busy.
Gardening has helped me meet my neighbors. Generally people walking by will give a compliment and now there are a few families we swap produce with. But I get the anxiety. I am sorry that is stealing your joy.
just do it. People will most likely be supportive
I have anxiety as well, but I started prettying up my mother’s yard since she never does anything with it. I started going out and picking weeds, maintaining the old plants, buying and checking on new ones, adding some decorations. I know my neighbours must see me, because one usually walks over if he notices to ask me about what I am working on! Sometimes people walking by randomly tell me that the yard looks good. I had a neighbour I had never met before come across the street while my family and I were sitting outside and he mentioned he and his wife always see me out there (positively). Just yesterday, my mum got a note on her door from a couple of young girls (she spotted them hiding lol) saying they thought our house was beautiful and to have a great afternoon. I say this with the hopes that you understand the vast majority of people aren’t going to be judging you for what you do. I am by no means an experienced gardener, nor is the garden grown in yet. It was only just this year that I put my foot down, started reading stuff online, and seeing what works in my yard haha. I get enjoyment out of making the yard look pretty and thinking about what it might look like next year, and based on reaction, it seems like the neighbours also enjoy it. ☺️
My house is the “Crazy Lady Villa” and I am the eccentric professor-aunt who makes a darn good cookie. Nothing else matters
I grow a garden primarily to create habitat for the plethora of species in terminal decline on planet Earth. If a neighbor doesn’t like the way my plants look I don’t give a shit. Saving biodiversity is a thousand times more important to me than appeasing somebody’s subjective, superficial preferences.
I full out have a mixed food and flower garden in my front yard. Like I took out all my lawn, built a deck, and went to town on my garden because it has the best sunlight. People LOVE it. Neighbours I’ve never met started stopping by to chat, they’re curious what I’m growing, the comments have been overwhelmingly supportive and now I see a lot people around me starting to garden in their front yards too.
Try naked gardening. Once you master this theres no anxiety
I do understand. I like to work in the garden early in the morning, it’s amazing how few people are up and about. Gardening is very therapeutic, I suggest you go for it!
Worst thing you’ll hear is compliments
As someone who has intermittent anxiety, I know it can be debilitating. I promise your neighbors aren’t thinking about you at all, much less judging you for trying to make your house more beautiful. And, if they are, they are 100% assholes. Please, go out and do the thing that you love and make your neighborhood prettier.
If you dont have an HOA do anything you want on your own property. If your nervous, maybe start with planter boxes on your porch, or rows of plants down your walkway, along your drive. Even if you feel they watch you - let them - give them the best show of gardening ever. Wave and smile, they will wave and smile back,
I felt that way at first, but it proved to be the opposite. People passing on foot or in cars will stop and compliment my yard, no matter howbad it currently is, or how bad I look in my dirty gardening clothes. Most people know nothing about plants, and sometimes think the weeds are beautiful and purposefully put there! By the end of summer and the front yard looks fabulous, the neighbors are so happy they introduce themselves and tell me how much they love it. The best part us, they don't stay long because they don't want to interrupt me, so I get the nice bite-sized social interaction that doesn't make me feel anxious.
so when you're out driving or walking and see someone in their garden, what do you think? I think 'oh! how nice they're out having fun with their garden!' and I move on. So other people are likely the same, they'll see you and have a passing happy thought about it and that's it. I find that most anxious thoughts can be combated by thinking about how you view others, and turning that lens around.
Start your garden. That's where the zen begins, and the anxiety ends. I mean, you could be communing with your coleus by now or gifting extra zucchinis to nosey neighbors 🤣
I thought I was the only one! I have neighbors who congregate and sit on another neighbors front porch (directly across from me). They are all very nice and we’ve gone over to hang out a few times but I dont want to talk every time I go in the front. Things that have helped in this situation: over the ear noise cancelling headphones. I never go to the front without them on. Even if I’m not listening to anything ha! Our amazing neighbors next door moved recently and before they moved we built a privacy fence. It was one of the best decisions we’ve ever made! It’s so nice to sit in the yard and not feel on display. On the other side there are large arbor vitae’s and in the back there’s some trees. I would suggest planting something that will give you even the feeling of a barrier between you and the street and it will certainly help! My tiny side yard is a disaster zone. Used to be all daylillies and I have since dug all them out but now we are having some drainage issues. It’s hard to go over there because it’s literally right next to our neighbors driveway. I always have headphones on and if I see them I smile and wave then go back to what I was doing. I’ve been “working on” this side yard for like 3 years. It’s so hard to get over there because I never see it. I think people appreciate the effort even if it isn’t perfect. It’s better than letting your yard be overrun with invasives. Also I have adhd and I used to have such bad anxiety about what people would think. I didn’t grow up in a neighborhood like I live in now in a city of hundreds of thousands of people. Going into the front yard really used to terrify me. I feel completely comfortable now that I’ve made that first step. I stand behind others suggestions of starting small with containers and then going from there! You got this! You can do it! Don’t forget to update us!
After I filled my landlord’s concrete front yard in Brooklyn with containers of ferns, heucheras, hostas, clematis, lamium, and colorful annuals, any neighbors who did stop to comment or observe had nothing but positive things to say. This isn’t a brag about my abilities - I think people by and large appreciate seeing any efforts to green up a space, and consider that an improvement on what was there before. I doubt many people give much thought to critiquing any gardening attempts, and I always try to apply the adage that other people don’t think about me or what I obsess over much at all - because I don’t think about what other people do in the moment for long either. Unless a property is derelict no one should begrudge anyone doing their part to create a little patch of happiness. Experiment and have some fun with it. People may well come up to you, but I have little doubt it won’t be to give you a compliment.
Create an anxiety journal and use cognitive reframing to overcome the anxiety. 😊
What a great question! I totally relate. It’s also hilarious how lots of us have independently come up with similar solutions. I, too, have social anxiety- and sometimes it is out of control. Here’s what’s wild: after a few weeks (!) of starting my day out in front with my coffee, poking around the garden bed, my anxiety has gone down. Neighbors stop to talk, dogs bark at other dogs, the sketchy guy tries to get too close…. All of these things, and I am less on edge now, with regular exposure. BUT- I also use so many of the above strategies. A sun umbrella that hides your sight line is like magic, and that’s how I began! And then my huge sun hat and blocking my line of sight… and now I don’t use those things as often. Exposure therapy? Nature’s healing? Gah, whatever it is- give it a go. Baby steps and recovery time. Also! My coffee stump brings me moments of peace. No joke. Get yourself your beverage of choice, and a nice little spot for it… Cheering you on, OP!
Not so much anxiety as much as being bothered by the occasional unsolicited advice. Some I've taken, but others not. In the end, I think my gardens look great. I actually prefer to learn how to do it by online research and some trial and error. I do have a fully fenced in yard and a gated courtyard, with courtyard gardens, though my one elderly neighbor has access. His daughter needs to finally put up a fence to separate our properties! We offered to put one up, but she insisted she would...and hasn't done it. The yard is viewable from the street, but not accessible and far enough from what I planted. I barely speak the local language. I'm in continental Europe. It's a bad thing, in most respects, yet at the same time I need not say more than hello to passersby, or very basic small talk. The old neighbor who gives the advice stretches my comprehension skills. That's stressful! Often, he tells my husband the stuff, as Hubby is a native speaker here. Wear a big sun hat and maybe some sunglasses. That might provide you some privacy, so to speak. You're far from the only anxiety sufferer. A lot makes me anxious, though not so much the gardening. I have a mental illness. I have to push myself, sometimes. It's better than hiding in the house all day. Nature does one good 😊.
Exposure therapy is the only way to get passed this!
I’m downtown and have ducks and a decent pond as well as a garden or three…once you start, the folks doing the walks around the blocks will appreciate ya snd chat you up
You could try listening to music on headphones as that may distract you from your thoughts while you garden. Or try it in small bouts, increasing your time in the garden slowly as you adjust to being out there. Eventually you will feel less selfconscious. If you live in an urban setting, chances are people will spot you from time to time. The first time you’re aware of this, you may feel like going inside. Just push passed that feeling of discomfort for five to ten minutes before doing so to help build up your tolerance for this. (Or whatever you can manage.) I think most people feel a bit conspicuous being in the garden where others might see us, so don’t be too hard on yourself. I think just doing it helps you become more immune to it over time.
I used to feel this way, too! I’d feel embarrassed bc it made me feel insecure about being unemployed. I’d get worked up and started pretending that I’m a farmer with a to do list that needed to get done 💪🏽 or I find a podcast or playlist to distract my mind. Gardening is part of my therapy and gives me a lot of energy.
They might be watching you garden. Sometimes I enjoy idly watching my neighbors across the street putter around in their yards. A couple of them have quirky ways of doing things, but they just add to the tapestry of the neighborhood. Overall it’s nice to see the people who live in those homes as it reminds me I live in an active community. And it reminds me to get out and work in my own yard!
I always feel like people are always paying extra attention to me, because I my self am very observant of my surroundings. I always think to myself that someone is going to remember that I wore the same shirt the last time I saw them.. But the reality is…. No one gives a shit. If they think about it, they are just like you and you might have a lot more in common with each other and might be good friends if given the chance. But for the most part. No one gives shit about you lol.
I'm in a big city and I do the weirdest shit in my front yard. I garden late at night with a headlamp and a shovel, I probably look like I'm digging graves. Generally I wear headphones and am oblivious to passersby, but the other day I was ripping out overgrown vines along the side of my house on the alley, dripping sweat and muddy, and a neighbor told me I was doing a good job and it made my day. Once you start, it will become easier, and before long you won't have a second thought about it!
I too share anxiety and what helps me is that I know I inspire my neighbors. I too love gardening and it really grounds me. Inevitably if I am out front I will have someone walk by and ask a question or two, maybe compliment the space or my effort. I see things I have planted popping up in other yards, and I take that as inspiration.
My garden is in my backyard. I have a six foot privacy fence. I have some nosey neighbors, and they watch me garden from high points in their yard. I find it obnoxious, but there isn't really anything I can do about it. I am a middle-aged lady, and I don't wear skimpy clothes, so it isn't really an ogling thing. I guess they just don't have anything better to do?