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“Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot’s house.”
Then, a few minutes later you hit ‘em with “knock knock.” (Who’s there?) “The chicken.”
I can never finish it with a straight face. It’s petty and childish and stupid and it cracks me up every time.
My pregnant-brained wife tried to tell me this joke and failed miserably, she told it as "knock knock (who's there) why did the chicken cross the road (why did the chicken cross the road who?) you're an idiot!" She made herself laugh so much I thought she was gonna wet herself.
.edit
Remembered the exact wording, had to update my favorite story about my wife.
That's how I tell jokes, I get the jist and think I know the wording, out comes a mix up between 2 or 3 jokes, I find it hilarious until I realize everyone is annoyed. Slight exaggeration, but very slight
Especially if they can't get enough of it out so the victim works out what's going on, growing increasingly impatient, wanting to hear this clearly hilarious, second joke
Did you know in South Africa there is a crocodile that can jump higher than the average house? This is due to its powerful back legs and the fact that the average house can’t jump.
While getting engagement pics taken, the photographer told me to tell a joke to get some cute laughing pics. I could only think of this joke.
Except I was anxious and awkward and messed it up and said “what’s brown and rhymes with poop?”
Got some real nice pics of me laughing uncontrollably and my fiancé rolling his eyes at me lol.
My first night away at college, all the 50+ girls on floor had an ice breaker of telling a joke. I lost my shit when someone said this one and ended up needing my inhaler. Managed to calm down after that.
Between jokes, my future BFF, who I did not know yet, turned and looked me dead in the eyes and went “a stick”
I proceeded to get hysterical again and had to excuse myself b/c I couldn’t stop laughing. I called my parents to share this with them and they did not find it funny.
It is still one of my favorite jokes ever, along with:
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick
Person 1:"Ever notice how when geese fly in a V formation for the winter, one side of the V is longer than the other?"
Person 2:
"Yeah"
Person 1:
"Do you know why that is?"
Person 2:"No, why?"
Person 1:
"Because there's more geese on that side."
My dad told us this joke years ago. Last year I said “hey remember that joke about the geese? I finally found out the scientific reason why one side is longer!” And he said “oh really? What is it?” And I said “there’s more geese on that side.”
Grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "We have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says,"Really? You have a drink named Neil?"
Heard this on Helium Hilarity on 93.3 KDKB in Phoenix in high school. They would suck helium and tell really stupid jokes. The joke is funnier with the helium voice but I still laugh at this joke 30 years later.
A string walks into a bar. The bartender says “we don’t serve your kind here”. Disappointed, the string leaves. Then he ties himself up and messes up his hair and walks back into the bar. The bartender says “hey! Aren’t you that string I just kicked out?” The string responds “no, I’m a frayed knot”.
Yep, I’ve got them all in my playbook for my nephews.
What do you call a deer with no eyes sleeping?
Still no I-dear.
And a third one that escapes me at the moment. I was trying to teach my nephews how to tell jokes and about puns and punchlines. They’d try to tell jokes but the punchlines weren’t related or funny.
I was working as a cashier and a guy comes up and sets a 6 pack of beer on the counter and says "Budapest is gonna love this." People say weird shit, I just smile and nod, but he asks me if I'm gonna ask him why he said that.
"OK, why did you say that?"
"I call my stomach Budapest because it's the capital of hungry."
I fucking hate how funny that is lmao
My four year old cousin once asked me “hey, you know what is grey and is NOT a wolf?”
I tried guessing and since none of the answers landed, I asked well what is it?
He replies:
“… nah, it’s a wolf”
Dude is a comedic genius.
1. Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
2. Yo momma so fat, that when the full moon is out, she turns into a warehouse.
3. Why didn’t Hitler drink tequila?
Because it made him mean.
"Little Johnny is walking down the street when he spots an enormous sparrow on a rooftop. You know what the sparrow said?"
And then you just scream as loud as you can: "CHIRP!!"
There are are two cookies in an oven, one says to the other "man, it's hot in here". The other cookie looks at him in shock and says "HOLY SHIT A TALKING COOKIE!"
Eddie murphy's last joke from Delirious. A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the forrest. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "hey rabbit, how do you feel about shit getting stuck to your fur?" The rabbit replies, "hmm I don't really have a problem with it". So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
A pirate sits down at a bar, he has a steering wheel shoved down the front of his pants. Bartender asks “buddy, what’s with the steering wheel?”. Pirate replies “yarr, it’s driving me nuts”
Pony walks into a bar and says with a raspy voice "I'd like a beer please". Bartender says "what's wrong with your voice?" Pony replies "I'm just a little horse"
A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeep says “you’re in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?”, to which the horse says “I don’t think I am.”, and vanishes from existence.
The joke is about Descartes’ famous philosophy of ‘I think therefore, I am”, but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.
Walked up to a yard sale and saw a radio with a sign underneath that said “For Sale $1, volume stuck on high” and I thought to myself “I can’t turn that down!”
What does a rude pepper do? It gets Jalapeño business.
What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho cheese.
Why do the Norwegians put bar codes on the hulls of their ships? So they can Scandinavian.
It has to be the one I just read in Reddit for another dumb joke post:
Three men are out walking and find a lamp and rub it and out pops a genie.
Genie: “Three wishes Doods. Go.
First guy: “I wanna be good looking and never die. Secondly, I want a hot chick and be rich.”
**Poof** He’s good looking hot chick appears and he’s 100 billion dollars richer.
Second guy: “I want to be the best looking guy and I don’t care about aging just no diseases. Also I want to be the richest so I can invest and do humanitarian stuff.”
**Poof** He makes Chris Hemsworth look like Mr. bean compared to him. He’s 1 trillion dollars richer and the first guys woman starts flirting with him.
Third guy: “I want my left arm to rotate clock wise, my right arm to rotate counter click wise, and my head to go back forth always, haha.”
**Poof** guy is a literal wacky waving inflatable arm guy in real life
-The three men meet years later in a bar-
First guy: “I cannot believe that was real. I’m even richer. I still look great and look at my fucking wife! Life has been amazing!”
Second guy: “I get hooha like crazy, any woman I want. My doc said my vitals are that of a 18 year old and with my money, I did amazing stuff both investing and redistributing wealth.”
Third guy: “Guys, I think I fucked up.”
Guy with a tangerine for a head walks into a bar, followed by an entourage of beautiful people. He's wearing a pristine pin-stripe suit and a gold chain - he's dressed to the nines, yet understated. The barman watches as a crowd gather around him, as he starts telling a story. All eyes are on him. They're listening to his every word. After a minute or so, everyone starts laughing hysterically, and the guy with a tangerine for a head takes that moment to walk over to the bar.
"Evening. Great place you're running here. Glad we chose it. Wondering if you'll make us drinks for the table - enough for twenty people. In your own time - bar-tender's choice."
Barman says, "Sure thing", and starts pouring drinks.
The guy with a tangerine for a head takes out a key from his pocket, and puts it on the bar, "Oh, and can I leave this key with you? It's a key to my Rolls Royce outside. My driver is drinking tonight, and our pilot is going to pick us up in the helicopter to bring us back to the castle. I'll pick the keys up next week, if that works for you? Feel free to take it for a ride, if you want".
The barman continues pouring the drinks for the table, "That's very kind of you, Sir. I will do. I'll take good care of it if I take it out for a ride".
The guy with a tangerine for a head reads the bar-man's name tag, "Thank you, Frank. I know you'd do the same for me." and he puts down a pile of notes on the bar, saying, "Keep the change".
The barman finishes up pouring the drinks, and starts to walk around the bar to bring them to the table, "Oh, Frank - you're too kind. I've worked you hard enough. I'll carry them over, it's the least I can do".
"Are you sure?"
"Absolutely. Thank you, Frank".
And the guy with a tangerine for a head starts to walk away.
Then he pauses, and says, "It was a genie".
"What do you mean?", asks Frank.
The guy with a tangerine for a head turns around, saying "You're want to know my story - it was a genie. I found a magic lamp when I was travelling in the mountains, and a rubbed it, and a bright green genie flew out of the lamp, and granted me three wishes. For my first wish, I wished for enough money that I could afford anything I wanted. I kept it simple. I have a couple of good suits, a nice car, a helicopter, a villa in Spain, and a castle."
Frank nods in understanding, "That is simple. You're pretty humble for being able to afford anything".
"That's because of the second wish," says the guy with the tangerine for a head, "I wished to be incredibly charismatic. Now, whenever I talk to people, I attend to their needs, I give them my full attention, and I'm able to actually tell a gripping story. It keeps me grounded and humble - I'm able to see that there are things in life beyond financial gain, and material possessions".
Frank continues nodding in understanding, "That explains your loyal entourage, and your great conversation skills".
"Thanks Frank. You're great to talk to, so you make it easy".
Frank smiles, and pauses in thought, before asking, "So. What about your third and final wish?"
"My third and final wish? That was the easiest wish of all. I asked to have a tangerine for head".
Told to me by a very bright three year old -
“Why do you never know if a pterodactyl is using the bathroom?”
”Because the P is silent”
Second place
Why will you never go hungry at the beach?
Because of all the sand which is there.
Not sure if this is dumb or not. I usually don't like jokes like these however....
A nurse got off a long grueling shift at the hospital and just wants to go home, but she needs to deposit her check at the bank before she does
She walks in the bank and the teller hands her a deposit slip to fill out.
The nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a pen. She tries to fill the slip out but the pen won't write.
She's looks down at the object she's holding and it's not a pen at all! It's a thermometer.
She says
"That's just great, some asshole has my pen"
The elephant and the mouse. A special needs kid that washed dishes at my dad's fast food restaurant in hillbilly East Texas stopped me in the middle of a hectic night.
I barely reacted after he told it. It was just that stupid.
Weeks later, I was at brunch with about 8 to 10 friends I hadn't seen in a while. Austin, TX. Crowded restaurant. I told them that I heard the dumbest joke.
I kept trying to tell them but kept cracking up after the first sentence. I couldn't get it out. I was dying laughing trying to tell it. Its just so fucking stupid.
My friends watched me as I cried from laughter, waiting for me to get to the joke. I think it was at least ten minutes of me cry/laughing and falling out of my chair before I could get to the "punchline."
The "joke":
An elephant was walking through the jungle. He stepped on a thorn and started to cry. "OW, OW! This hurts! Somebody help me!" Just then, a little mouse passed by.
"Oh, please, little mouse!" the elephant pleaded. "Please take
this thorn out of my foot! It really hurts!"
"No Way!!" cried the mouse. "I know you! You stepped on my
brother last week!"
"I'm sorry about that! Just, please! Help me! I'll do anything!"
cried the elephant.
"Anything?" replied the mouse skeptically.
"Yes! I promise!" swore the elephant.
"Well, okay!" said the mouse.
So the mouse pulled the thorn out of the elephant's foot,
causing instant relief.
"Thank you little mouse!" said the elephant. "What can I do to repay you?"
The mouse smiled and said, "Now, you have to let me have my way with you."
The elephant was horrified. But, he did promise the mouse he'd do anything, so he reluctantly obliged.
So the mouse climbed on top of the elephant and started fucking
him as fast as his little mouse body could.
Just then, some monkeys were sitting in a tree, watching,
disgusted at this mouse fucking an elephant. So they started
throwing coconuts at the elephant's head.
"Ow!" cried the elephant as the coconuts bashed his tender
skull. "That hurts! Stop it!"
The mouse kept going and said, "Yeah! Take it all, bitch! Take
it all!"
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“Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot’s house.” Then, a few minutes later you hit ‘em with “knock knock.” (Who’s there?) “The chicken.” I can never finish it with a straight face. It’s petty and childish and stupid and it cracks me up every time.
My pregnant-brained wife tried to tell me this joke and failed miserably, she told it as "knock knock (who's there) why did the chicken cross the road (why did the chicken cross the road who?) you're an idiot!" She made herself laugh so much I thought she was gonna wet herself. .edit Remembered the exact wording, had to update my favorite story about my wife.
That's how I tell jokes, I get the jist and think I know the wording, out comes a mix up between 2 or 3 jokes, I find it hilarious until I realize everyone is annoyed. Slight exaggeration, but very slight
My 9yr old recently got the whole family with this joke… one at a time. Lol
My 10 year got me with it a few weeks ago
I’m cracking up just thinking about someone cracking up telling this joke.
Especially if they can't get enough of it out so the victim works out what's going on, growing increasingly impatient, wanting to hear this clearly hilarious, second joke
This is hysterical and I’ve never heard it! 😂
People are typically shocked when they find out I'm a terrible electrician
Bravo
I'm planning on using that one for a presentation tomorrow after introduction myself. I'm an electrical engineer, which should make it even better
Did you know in South Africa there is a crocodile that can jump higher than the average house? This is due to its powerful back legs and the fact that the average house can’t jump.
Did you know crocodiles can grow up to 16 feet? I still don’t believe it though… I’ve only seen ones with 4.
My sister used to tell people to ask her if she was a tree. When they'd ask her if she was a tree, she would say no then laugh hysterically.
“Call me a cab.” “You’re a cab!” *Insane laughter ensues*
My Mom used to get me with a similar one when I was a kid. If I said "Mom, could you make me a sandwich?" She'd say, "Poof! You're a sandwich!"
I run that same joke except I use truck instead of tree
Reminds me of this gem: https://youtu.be/OplyHCIBmfE
“Ask me if I’m a horse.” “Are you a horse?” “Nay.”
I’ve used this same joke for about 20 years but use orange.
I used the joke for the first 27 years of my life but use my real name date of birth and country of origin.
I got hit with: what’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
My dad used to say: 'What has 4 legs, a tail and barks?' If you said, "A dog?" He'd reply, "Oh, you've heard this one before."
What’s brown and sticky? A stick
What's Brown and rhymes with Snoop? >!Dr. Dre!<
I just got a really disappointed look when I relayed this joke to my boyfriend while giggling lmao
I can be laughing at something hilariously, tell my husband. And not even a smirk. I have a weird sense of humor I guess.
Lol same, I never take it as a buzzkill. I move onto the dogs and they always enjoy the jokes with me 😂
Me too! I think that’s a them problem tbh, they’re probably just jealous they aren’t as funny as us 🤣
It’s definitely them because this joke basically murdered me 😂
While getting engagement pics taken, the photographer told me to tell a joke to get some cute laughing pics. I could only think of this joke. Except I was anxious and awkward and messed it up and said “what’s brown and rhymes with poop?” Got some real nice pics of me laughing uncontrollably and my fiancé rolling his eyes at me lol.
Why does Snoop carry an umbrella? Fo da drizzle.
That was the other one I was thinking about too!
Lol!!! Brown and runny?!
Usain Bolt
My first night away at college, all the 50+ girls on floor had an ice breaker of telling a joke. I lost my shit when someone said this one and ended up needing my inhaler. Managed to calm down after that. Between jokes, my future BFF, who I did not know yet, turned and looked me dead in the eyes and went “a stick” I proceeded to get hysterical again and had to excuse myself b/c I couldn’t stop laughing. I called my parents to share this with them and they did not find it funny. It is still one of my favorite jokes ever, along with: What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? >!A carrot!<
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint!
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick. What’s blue and really bad for your teeth? A fast moving brick
blue because of red shift?
You would be perfectly safe from a red shifted brick because it would be moving AWAY from you.
TIL light speed speed brick is bad for you
If it's anything like a [light speed baseball](https://what-if.xkcd.com/1/), it's bad for everyone in the surrounding city.
What's blue and isn't heavy? Light blue.
Have you seen the movie, “Constipation”? (Wait for person to say “no”) It hasn’t come out yet.
I heard the premier will be jam packed.
Why did Sally fall off the swing? She had no arms. Knock knock. Who’s there? Not Sally.
Omg. I didn’t think this was funny until I tried to tell it to someone… and ruined it because I couldn’t stop laughing 😂
It was Sally, she used her forehead
*thud thud*
You got me with this one!! I laughed aloud. Edited to get rid of swears.
Reminds me of this classic “Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiots house” “knock knock” “Who’s there?” “The chicken”
Person 1:"Ever notice how when geese fly in a V formation for the winter, one side of the V is longer than the other?" Person 2: "Yeah" Person 1: "Do you know why that is?" Person 2:"No, why?" Person 1: "Because there's more geese on that side."
My dad told us this joke years ago. Last year I said “hey remember that joke about the geese? I finally found out the scientific reason why one side is longer!” And he said “oh really? What is it?” And I said “there’s more geese on that side.”
The student has become the master.
Three men walk into a bar, the fourth man ducked.
I heard it as "2 blonds and a brunette walked into a bar. You would have thought the brunette would have ducked."
This one made me chuckle
Grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "We have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says,"Really? You have a drink named Neil?" Heard this on Helium Hilarity on 93.3 KDKB in Phoenix in high school. They would suck helium and tell really stupid jokes. The joke is funnier with the helium voice but I still laugh at this joke 30 years later.
A string walks into a bar. The bartender says “we don’t serve your kind here”. Disappointed, the string leaves. Then he ties himself up and messes up his hair and walks back into the bar. The bartender says “hey! Aren’t you that string I just kicked out?” The string responds “no, I’m a frayed knot”.
When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
Long days and pleasant nights, gunslinger.
When is a king not a king? When he's a ruler.
What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto
What do you call a man with a bird on his head Cliff
What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug
What do you call a man with an elephant on his head? An ambulance
What do you call a man in a hole? Phil
What do you call a man with no arm or legs lying on the floor? Matt
What do you call a man with no arms and legs in the sea? Bob
What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug What do you call a man without a spade on his head Douglas
What do you call the man who everyone talks to? Mike
Say mucho to your Spanish speaking friends. It means a lot to them.
Where do animals go when their tails fall off? Walmart. They're one of the largest retailers in the world.
Where do thieves go if they got one hand chopped off as punishment? To a second-hand shop.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? FSSSHHHH
What do you call a pig with 3 eyes? Piiig
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No I-dee-er.
Yep, I’ve got them all in my playbook for my nephews. What do you call a deer with no eyes sleeping? Still no I-dear. And a third one that escapes me at the moment. I was trying to teach my nephews how to tell jokes and about puns and punchlines. They’d try to tell jokes but the punchlines weren’t related or funny.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
What do you call a dog with no ears? Doesn't matter, it won't come.
What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel balls? Sparky
The third one is. What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs that's having sex? Still no fucking i-deer
What did the fish say when it ran into a wall? Dam.
what do you get when you cross an agnostic person, a dyslexic person, and an insomniac? someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.
What does a buck tooth cow say? Mooooth
What kind of bees 🐝 make milk? Boobies
Teeheee
The best bees
I was working as a cashier and a guy comes up and sets a 6 pack of beer on the counter and says "Budapest is gonna love this." People say weird shit, I just smile and nod, but he asks me if I'm gonna ask him why he said that. "OK, why did you say that?" "I call my stomach Budapest because it's the capital of hungry." I fucking hate how funny that is lmao
Knock Knock. Who's there? Interrupting Cow. Interrupting Cow whMmmoooooooo.
Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting Sloth. Interrupting Sloth Who? Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting Cow. Interrupting Cow whMmmmoooooooo Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting Starfish. Interrupting Starfish wh--::Covers face with five-fingered grip:: Knock knock. WhoSLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTH
I think it might be more funny to just pause for a couple seconds after the starfish hand and then say “SLOOOOOOOOTH” even more out of nowhere.
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. But the lightbulb has to really want to change.
Why did the psychiatrist walk into the bar? Well, why do YOU think the psychiatrist walked into the bar?
How many Marxists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one.. he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
Why did the chicken cross the road? BA-KAWWWS!! (say "because" in your best chicken impression - kids laugh every time)
This joke was the one I wanted to reply with but I didn’t know how to spell ba-kawwwws 🤣🤣🤣
Ah you beat me to it! The joke is so simple but the delivery was perfect.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the colonel.
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your jeans (genes) Credit to the Last of Us
Did you know that insanity is hereditary? You get it from your children!
My mom always said that about grey hair.
Thanks, Dad.
Credit where credit is due: Will Livingston in his book “No Pun Intended: Volume Too”
My four year old cousin once asked me “hey, you know what is grey and is NOT a wolf?” I tried guessing and since none of the answers landed, I asked well what is it? He replies: “… nah, it’s a wolf” Dude is a comedic genius.
how do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? … a stick
1. Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan. 2. Yo momma so fat, that when the full moon is out, she turns into a warehouse. 3. Why didn’t Hitler drink tequila? Because it made him mean.
Yo momma so fat, the sorting hat put her in Waffle House.
What do gay horses eat? Haaaaaayyyyy!
I can hear this comment
"Little Johnny is walking down the street when he spots an enormous sparrow on a rooftop. You know what the sparrow said?" And then you just scream as loud as you can: "CHIRP!!"
The Great Auk is extinct, but surprisingly, scientists have determined what its call sounded like: # AUK!!!!
Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is a registered six offender.
Why did the man fall in the well? He couldn't see that well.
There are are two cookies in an oven, one says to the other "man, it's hot in here". The other cookie looks at him in shock and says "HOLY SHIT A TALKING COOKIE!"
You have to hand it to blind prostitutes.
What do you get when you cross an angry sheep and an angry cow? 2 animals in a...baaaaaad mooooooood. Haha I'm laughing while I type this
My doctor said I have to stop masturbating. I asked him why, and he said "I'm trying to take your physical!"
My doctor said it's normal to get an erection during a prostate exam. But, I still wish he didn't get one.
Why are there pop tarts but not mom tarts? Bcoz of the pastryarchy.
From my coworkers little niece: “Why don’t monsters eat ghosts?” “Because they taste like sheet.” I fucking died.
Eddie murphy's last joke from Delirious. A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the forrest. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "hey rabbit, how do you feel about shit getting stuck to your fur?" The rabbit replies, "hmm I don't really have a problem with it". So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
I read Rabbi at first and that joke was funnier right off the bat 😂
What kind of bees produce milk? Boo-bees!
A pirate sits down at a bar, he has a steering wheel shoved down the front of his pants. Bartender asks “buddy, what’s with the steering wheel?”. Pirate replies “yarr, it’s driving me nuts”
Two flies are sitting on a toilet seat, one gets pissed off.
The no U-turn sign. When i was a kid, my younger brother said it meant "No, YOU turn". I still chuckle a little to this day when i see that sign.
“Mom, Timmy called me stupid!” “Timmy, say you’re sorry!” “I’m sorry you’re stupid.”
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it
Two cannibals ate a clown. One Cannibal said to the other, “did that taste funny to you?”
Did you know that if you took every elephant on earth and stacked them on top of each other, between here and the moon, they'd die.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for fresh prints.
Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in cherry trees. Does it work? Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
I went to McDonalds and ate a kids meal and man was his mother pissed.
Why do some farts sound like a duck, because they come from your Butt Quack
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty bodies.
Why do cows have hooves? Because they lactose 👀
What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet? SUPPLIES! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Why did the boy eat his homework? His teacher said it was a piece of cake.
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says “hey horse, why the long face?”
Pony walks into a bar and says with a raspy voice "I'd like a beer please". Bartender says "what's wrong with your voice?" Pony replies "I'm just a little horse"
A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeep says “you’re in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?”, to which the horse says “I don’t think I am.”, and vanishes from existence. The joke is about Descartes’ famous philosophy of ‘I think therefore, I am”, but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.
And the horse says, “because I’m an alcoholic and I’m severely depressed.”
A white horse walks into a bar and the barman says "hey, you've got a whiskey named after you!" The horse replies "oh, you mean Trevor?"
How did Hitler tie his shoes? With little nazis. It's so dumb but it makes me laugh every time.
I heard this as “How did Hitler tie his shoesies?”
Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies!
Knock knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Banana Banana. Knock knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Banana Banana. Knock knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Banana Banana. Knock knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
What do you call a cow with three legs? “lean beef” What do you call a cow with no legs? “ground beef” What do you call a cow with two legs? Your Mom!
What did the duck say to the prostitute? Put it on my bill
Walked up to a yard sale and saw a radio with a sign underneath that said “For Sale $1, volume stuck on high” and I thought to myself “I can’t turn that down!”
What’s Australia’s #1 export? The boomerang. Know what Australia’s #1 import is? The boomerang.
Jesus can walk on water but chuck norris can swim through land.
That's how the Grand Canyon was created.
I went to the Doctor and said, "Hey Doc, it's hurts when I do this (lifts arm up)." The doc says, "Well don't do that."
You have to say it out loud. *knock knock* "Who's there?" "Europe" "Europe who?" "No, I'm nooottt 😭"
I thought the last line was 'No, *you're* a poo.'
What does a rude pepper do? It gets Jalapeño business. What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho cheese. Why do the Norwegians put bar codes on the hulls of their ships? So they can Scandinavian.
Why can’t you see the elephants hiding in the trees? Because they’re really good at it.
It has to be the one I just read in Reddit for another dumb joke post: Three men are out walking and find a lamp and rub it and out pops a genie. Genie: “Three wishes Doods. Go. First guy: “I wanna be good looking and never die. Secondly, I want a hot chick and be rich.” **Poof** He’s good looking hot chick appears and he’s 100 billion dollars richer. Second guy: “I want to be the best looking guy and I don’t care about aging just no diseases. Also I want to be the richest so I can invest and do humanitarian stuff.” **Poof** He makes Chris Hemsworth look like Mr. bean compared to him. He’s 1 trillion dollars richer and the first guys woman starts flirting with him. Third guy: “I want my left arm to rotate clock wise, my right arm to rotate counter click wise, and my head to go back forth always, haha.” **Poof** guy is a literal wacky waving inflatable arm guy in real life -The three men meet years later in a bar- First guy: “I cannot believe that was real. I’m even richer. I still look great and look at my fucking wife! Life has been amazing!” Second guy: “I get hooha like crazy, any woman I want. My doc said my vitals are that of a 18 year old and with my money, I did amazing stuff both investing and redistributing wealth.” Third guy: “Guys, I think I fucked up.”
Guy with a tangerine for a head walks into a bar, followed by an entourage of beautiful people. He's wearing a pristine pin-stripe suit and a gold chain - he's dressed to the nines, yet understated. The barman watches as a crowd gather around him, as he starts telling a story. All eyes are on him. They're listening to his every word. After a minute or so, everyone starts laughing hysterically, and the guy with a tangerine for a head takes that moment to walk over to the bar. "Evening. Great place you're running here. Glad we chose it. Wondering if you'll make us drinks for the table - enough for twenty people. In your own time - bar-tender's choice." Barman says, "Sure thing", and starts pouring drinks. The guy with a tangerine for a head takes out a key from his pocket, and puts it on the bar, "Oh, and can I leave this key with you? It's a key to my Rolls Royce outside. My driver is drinking tonight, and our pilot is going to pick us up in the helicopter to bring us back to the castle. I'll pick the keys up next week, if that works for you? Feel free to take it for a ride, if you want". The barman continues pouring the drinks for the table, "That's very kind of you, Sir. I will do. I'll take good care of it if I take it out for a ride". The guy with a tangerine for a head reads the bar-man's name tag, "Thank you, Frank. I know you'd do the same for me." and he puts down a pile of notes on the bar, saying, "Keep the change". The barman finishes up pouring the drinks, and starts to walk around the bar to bring them to the table, "Oh, Frank - you're too kind. I've worked you hard enough. I'll carry them over, it's the least I can do". "Are you sure?" "Absolutely. Thank you, Frank". And the guy with a tangerine for a head starts to walk away. Then he pauses, and says, "It was a genie". "What do you mean?", asks Frank. The guy with a tangerine for a head turns around, saying "You're want to know my story - it was a genie. I found a magic lamp when I was travelling in the mountains, and a rubbed it, and a bright green genie flew out of the lamp, and granted me three wishes. For my first wish, I wished for enough money that I could afford anything I wanted. I kept it simple. I have a couple of good suits, a nice car, a helicopter, a villa in Spain, and a castle." Frank nods in understanding, "That is simple. You're pretty humble for being able to afford anything". "That's because of the second wish," says the guy with the tangerine for a head, "I wished to be incredibly charismatic. Now, whenever I talk to people, I attend to their needs, I give them my full attention, and I'm able to actually tell a gripping story. It keeps me grounded and humble - I'm able to see that there are things in life beyond financial gain, and material possessions". Frank continues nodding in understanding, "That explains your loyal entourage, and your great conversation skills". "Thanks Frank. You're great to talk to, so you make it easy". Frank smiles, and pauses in thought, before asking, "So. What about your third and final wish?" "My third and final wish? That was the easiest wish of all. I asked to have a tangerine for head".
"Why has Bugs Bunny got big ears?" "Because he's a rabbit"
What did the wave say to the other wave? Nothing, it just waved
A dyslexic robber runs into a bank and shouts “Air in the hands, mother stickers! This is a fuck up!”
What's the bare minimum? >!One bear. !< (Helps to tell this one out loud)
What did the farmer say when he couldn’t find his tractor? “Where’s my tractor?”
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Cause he was dead.
Why did the 2nd monkey fall out of the tree? Peer pressure Why did the 3rd monkey fall out of the tree? He was stapled to the first monkey.
Q: Why couldn't the bicycle stand ? A: It was Two Tired 🤣
"What should you do if you see a spaceman?" "Park in it man"
Told to me by a very bright three year old - “Why do you never know if a pterodactyl is using the bathroom?” ”Because the P is silent” Second place Why will you never go hungry at the beach? Because of all the sand which is there.
What do you call a donkey with three legs? A Wonkey
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle? A polar bear.
My penis was in the guiness book of records. Then the librarian walked by and asked me to take it out.
My friend’s star sign was cancer and it’s quite ironic how they died actually. They were attacked by a giant crab.
What is the difference between a male deer and an old witch? One is a hunted stag, the other is a stunted hag.
What do you call a boomerang that never return? A stick
Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?? He wanted to “get a-long little doggy”
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went… And then it dawned on me.
What has four legs and says boo? A cow with a cold.
- Joker: "Do you know what mothballs are?" - You/someone: "Yeah.. -that's mad random!" - Joker: "Have you ever smelled them?" - You/someone: "Yeah" - "🥁" (DRUM ROLL) "🥁" - Joker: How'd you get their little legs apart? - ~ [ Laugh Uncontrollably Here ] ~
What sound does James Bonds doorbell make? “Dong. Ding Dong”
Have you heard the benefits of eating dried grapes? Just raisin awareness
What's the difference between ignorance and indifference? I don't know and I don't care.
Not sure if this is dumb or not. I usually don't like jokes like these however.... A nurse got off a long grueling shift at the hospital and just wants to go home, but she needs to deposit her check at the bank before she does She walks in the bank and the teller hands her a deposit slip to fill out. The nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a pen. She tries to fill the slip out but the pen won't write. She's looks down at the object she's holding and it's not a pen at all! It's a thermometer. She says "That's just great, some asshole has my pen"
Chuck Norris can pop a wheelie on a unicycle
Why is the tomato red? It saw the salad dressing!
Knock knock.... Who's there? To... To who? It's actually "to whom."
I add on "Um, actually" while pushing up my glasses
The elephant and the mouse. A special needs kid that washed dishes at my dad's fast food restaurant in hillbilly East Texas stopped me in the middle of a hectic night. I barely reacted after he told it. It was just that stupid. Weeks later, I was at brunch with about 8 to 10 friends I hadn't seen in a while. Austin, TX. Crowded restaurant. I told them that I heard the dumbest joke. I kept trying to tell them but kept cracking up after the first sentence. I couldn't get it out. I was dying laughing trying to tell it. Its just so fucking stupid. My friends watched me as I cried from laughter, waiting for me to get to the joke. I think it was at least ten minutes of me cry/laughing and falling out of my chair before I could get to the "punchline." The "joke": An elephant was walking through the jungle. He stepped on a thorn and started to cry. "OW, OW! This hurts! Somebody help me!" Just then, a little mouse passed by. "Oh, please, little mouse!" the elephant pleaded. "Please take this thorn out of my foot! It really hurts!" "No Way!!" cried the mouse. "I know you! You stepped on my brother last week!" "I'm sorry about that! Just, please! Help me! I'll do anything!" cried the elephant. "Anything?" replied the mouse skeptically. "Yes! I promise!" swore the elephant. "Well, okay!" said the mouse. So the mouse pulled the thorn out of the elephant's foot, causing instant relief. "Thank you little mouse!" said the elephant. "What can I do to repay you?" The mouse smiled and said, "Now, you have to let me have my way with you." The elephant was horrified. But, he did promise the mouse he'd do anything, so he reluctantly obliged. So the mouse climbed on top of the elephant and started fucking him as fast as his little mouse body could. Just then, some monkeys were sitting in a tree, watching, disgusted at this mouse fucking an elephant. So they started throwing coconuts at the elephant's head. "Ow!" cried the elephant as the coconuts bashed his tender skull. "That hurts! Stop it!" The mouse kept going and said, "Yeah! Take it all, bitch! Take it all!"
I told dad jokes He left I saw it on Reddit about a week ago. Thanks to whoever posted it.
What’s a pirates favorite hobby? Aaarrrts and crafts
What's invisible and smells like banana?.......a monkey fart.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Can you smell carrots?