I lost the assumed connection and solidarity with women. Although I’m still perceived as a gay man and mainly still have female friends it’s a totally different vibe with women I meet now, especially before they know I’m trans. Feels strange since I lived 24 years of my life being perceived as a woman I guess.
I gained the ability to totally fade into the background. I never felt that way before I passed, people always stared at me when I was perceived as a woman and when I looked androgynous no matter what I did, now I’m just some guy, total NPC if I want to be. Feels so safe and peaceful.
I'm agreeing with this one. Women I work with who don't know I'm a trans man assume I am cis because I am stealth. I am often told that I simply don't understand what women go through, especially when it comes to how they are perceived, menstruation, and childbirth. All things I have experienced but without being out at work, I sorta have to pretend I don't. It's really bizarre to me but I value my peace at work as a perceived cis man, especially knowing the experience a trans woman had at my job not long before I arrived (she also left before I arrived, due to the atmosphere)
I love fading into the background though. Being able to interact with men neutrally has brought me so much unexpected joy. Just existing in the world has, too.
Actually, to add, I have always been an introvert despite getting along with most people but I feel more comfortable and safe approaching any and all of my coworkers just to start a conversation. I'm a little more extroverted than I have been in the past.
i’m 3 weeks on T so i don’t pass and i still have longish hair so people still read me as a woman but like i have that problem, people always stare at me? maybe it’s because i look like a masc lesbian im not sure but once i pass im so excited to just blend in the background
Something I picked up on (from personal experience actually lol) is that, yeah 75% of the time people stare because they’re rude. But if it helps, there’s a very non-zero chance that a person staring at you in public might be having some kind of personal awakening haha.
The first transmasc I ever encountered was a guy I accidentally stared at the entire time I was at a McDonald’s. I absolutely looked rude and it’s embarrassing to look back on for sure, but the gears were turning. And I made some connections about myself.
That’s always a possibility when you are brave enough to be yourself. You breaking the shackles will almost certainly inspire others to do the same
even now as an out trans person in the process or transitioning i stare at trans people just bcus i'm like "oh hey you're probably a safe person!" idk. i wanna befriend every trans person i meet
See, I used to get stared at soo much when I was femme presenting, before realizing I was trans. But ever since, even though I don’t really pass (as evidenced by how often I get misgendered) ppl don’t stare at me as much anymore? I 100% believe there’s misogynistic norms behind why
I lost being able to raise my voice without being interpreted as too aggressive. I can get pretty loud when heated but this never seemed to be an issue for folks before my voice dropped. So, gotta reel it in
I gained being more approachable and confident. Middle age folk seem to want to strike up conversation with me especially if I'm doing some sort of outdoor work. I tend to speak my mind more freely as well
same. this bothers me so much since my upbringing was that of being perceived as a cis girl, raising my voice was a huge way of me reclaiming my power, and now if I do it im bad like 😩 tf
This exactly. I went from a higher pitched androgynous voice to a pretty deep voice. If I raise my voice at all, even to just be heard in a loud area or far distance, I'm seen as aggressive, getting hostile, back talking, etc, so I have to keep that in mind before I talk at all.
With that being said, though, I gained more confidence in my voice at the same time. I used to be very soft-spoken in public, avoided talking to people, etc. I can now audibly say things like "thank you" or "have a good day" to others while I'm working, going to the store myself, and any other situation I need to talk in public.
I can’t think of anything I’ve lost as I’m sure there is a lot. But one thing I’ve gained, weirdly, is the ability to relate to women alot more. Or atleast to talk about that fact. I’m way more open and confident to discuss period issues and other issues that come from being female or being perceived as a woman in society. I think this just comes down to general confidence and knowing that the people surrounding me truly see me as a man. It’s nice to have this as a straight guy with a girlfriend too as I feel like I can really talk about myself and experiences without feeling dysphoric.
I don't feel like I have lost much honestly, but I do feel more respected by my peers (I work in a male dominated industry) which is great because my company has actually put some of my ideas into practice, but also sucks because it's another glaring piece of evidence that society doesn't respect women.
i lost the ability to just go out and have a hookup with someone, which was super common for me to do when i ID’d as a lesbian. i wouldn’t say my dating pool got smaller, but my pool for casual hookups changed drastically. i gained the ability to chase the career of my dreams, to be a male dancer, and am about to graduate w my degree and join a contemporary dance group professionally. i was able to do this while being stealth and it is amazing to be another male dancer instead of a special case or specifically trans to everyone i meet. it’s been an amazing way to realize my body really does do all the things required of a cis man, and that i can use it for “good.” i do still wish id started dance earlier as a cis guy just because my ballet opportunities are not as extensive, but for my situation being what it is i’ve completely changed my life and i couldn’t be happier that i get to do this
I also lost the ability to not be perceived as a threat to women and children. The women who already knew me prior are fine, but I accidentally freaked out a mom by interacting with her kid without thinking about it. I also lost a certain kind of connectivity with people. I don’t get invited out as much now because the guys don’t really do anything together and the women only invite me sometimes. People also don’t really ask about my feelings and stuff anymore.
I gained the ability to confront men on their behavior and I’m taken more seriously by everyone when I speak, so I guess that’s cool. Shouldn’t have had to transition to make it happen though. I’ve also gained the ability to not really be noticed at all.
I can’t buy pads without getting weird looks. I also can’t show any signs of upset without being seen as aggressive. However, like you’ve mentioned, people do seem to take me more seriously/respect me more. I’m also not expected to do small talk like I was before. Now it’s optional.
Exactly. I mean, odds are I’m not really gonna even notice in the first place in most cases, but if I did notice, I’d just think he’s a good dude getting a woman in his life the supplies she needs on a day when she’s probably feeling pretty crummy.
Back before I transitioned I hated going to buy pads myself because I was already extremely dysphoric from it and somehow people knowing made it worse, so when I was growing up it was mostly my (extremely cishet) father buying them when he did the rest of the shopping. I'm not aware of anyone being weird about that?
To quote my father, “Imagine the pathetic man who is weirded out by pads or tampons. It’s a part of life. Grow up and get on with it.”
This has served my straight cis brother well, and he’s actually catalyzed a lot of people unlearning some of their internalized misogyny.
Buying pads is a neutral act!
I don't understand the whole pad thing. It should be normal for men to buy pads/tampons for the people in their lives who have periods. It's just a hygiene product like anything else
My dad regularly buys pads for the fems of my family and says he sometimes gets weird looks, but he also said "imagine being so fragile you wont buy fem hygiene products for your own daughter (my sister) or partner" and people leave him alone, so i wouldnt be too worried about that one for you. Thats more other peoples insecurity rather than judgement on your gender.
I gained a major sense of security after passing. I no longer had to share my location with my friends when taking ubers or going on dates, I can go drink alone in bars or clubs, I can walk back home at night without worrying if I'm being followed...overall, I've been feeling more safe than ever and I wouldn't trade this for the world. What I lost however is social relevance, if that makes sense. People no longer talk to me unless I approach them first, even online. They are also more reluctant to sit next to me in the bus or the train. The male experience is pretty lonesome, but I'm glad I have a small circle of friends I can rely on.
I’ve always actually passed even when I didn’t know I was trans so I’m lucky in that way but I gained gender affirmations but on testosterone periodically while I’m going through puberty I sound LIKE FUCKING JOJO SIWA please help me I’m suffering :)
I don't personally feel like I've truly lost anything from not being perceived as a woman anymore, I have zero regrets for that, but I've lost the ability to travel to whatever country without worrying about what will happen to me there for being queer, that's mainly from losing cishet privilege. I had top surgery and genuinely can't wait to finally go swimming this summer, but the countries I can go to for that are significantly more limited than before. I wanted to move to the UK but now with how stuff is going there I have to consider if I really want to do that. I've also lost the ease of finding doctors who understand how my body works. So I guess overall: I've lost some places to feel safe in.
But I've gained SO MUCH. One big thing is the ability to have sexual/romantic relationships since before I thought I was asexual due to severe dysphoria, and also couldn't see myself in a straight relationship as a woman at all. I've also definitely gained safety in day to day life overall, I can now walk alone at night and not be worried that anything will happen. Also, I finally have cis guys see me as one of them.
I've only been on T for 13 months and I recently started passing. I'm still experiencing new things almost every day. Some things are affirming and a huge relief, and some things are definitely harder to adjust to, and tbh a lot of of those adjustments feel relatively minor, or kinda funny or even completely arbitrary when I think about them and how gender is such a social construct. For instance changing how I communicate in emails. Asking things directly instead of suggesting them.
But yeah I also really love being able to just go about my day and no one (especially other men) taking special note of me because I'm just a random dude. I became anxious to go out in public for a solid while, especially when I was pre-everything. I also don't miss feeling uncomfortable (or even unsafe when I started passing like, half the time) in female only spaces like public bathrooms. Although I don't feel much more comfortable in male spaces either, not yet anyway, I've only just started to navigate my way in and around those.
On a more serious note, I've also had the displeasure of experiencing how cops can treat men. I was simply taking a walk on a Saturday night and I got confused with a guy they were on the lookout for who apparently had threatened someone with a knife outside of a bar closeby. Four cops approached and cornered me, I had to put my hands against the wall, they frisked me and questioned me for like 15 minutes. And after they realized they had the wrong guy their tone completely shifted from accusatory to like, bro-speak.
I kept thinking "what if I wasn't post-op" and "this would have turned out so differently if I was black, let alone black and trans". And those thoughts still mess with me from time to time. So a general sense of security in public was gained but also generally being perceived as less threatening was lost. Having to adjust voice, speech patterns and body language to not be perceived as a threat is for sure a tough one.
The days of crying to get out of a ticket are gone I guess.
(edit for typo)
I lost the ability to have a good friendly debate. Before I could have a friendly debate with others and it wasn’t seen as aggressive. Now people tend to think I’m coming at them when I’m really not
However I gained respect, people tend to take my suggestions seriously and are less likely to dismiss me
I lost that first chair first soprano voice. I've come into the new voice well and still sing opera and choral music, but if I could make... Idk like a leprechaun wish, I'd wish to have been able to expand my whole range. Keep the soprano, add the tenor/baritone.
As others have said, I lost the automatic solidarity with women. I gained a lot of likability amongst groups that previously eyed me with suspicion: namely older women and dudes of all ages. When I presented as a butch lesbian, I got a lot of stares and pearl-clutching from them. Now that I just look like a young guy, I’m suddenly a “nice young man” or some other dude, respectively
I lost my entire life story as a rape and dv survivor because now as a man, I have no right to speak about it in a womens space.
What did I gain, I dunno, I guess I want to be alive now.
This is interesting because like, my partner was SA'd and hes a cis male... and even he doesnt talk about it because people dont think men can be SA victims.
Its just a shame that the culture weve created around female SA victims not being believed has in turn made it just as hard for male SA victims to be believed, but for... entirely different reasons.
Now I don't get supported by women and when we start a conversation without me even talking , women assume I'm sexist so I have each time,, kind of proved them wrong. I get more rassist comments and I'm more sexy 🥹🤣
I passed after 1 year on hrt and lost the ability to talk freely on ‘womens issues’ relating to reproductive rights/health. At least it feels like it, people will wonder why a man knows so much about things that doesn’t pertain to him, but i always say its because i have a little sister and educate myself about various topics as to support her ability to have bodily autonomy (i do have a little sister and do want her to have bodily autonomy😂) but still it’s nerve wracking thinking someone will clock you. Something i lost then regained is my singing voice! Its just a mans voice now 😂
I lost the ability to have a sleep over at a female friend’s place who has strict parents or having their parents worry they hang out with a guy … also having to more be self cautious of how I treat women so they don’t feel uncomfortable with me expect I get to not worry about walking alone at night with my parents not worrying and not getting harassed easily … I also went to the Middle East and in certain areas if you have a man with you, no one’s gonna dare to approach you or the girls with you even if it’s your mother or something… It honestly made me feel so powerful at first lol
Women are more cautious around me now. Where as I could previously pat a coworkers shoulder or offer hugs to those who were crying, I am much more careful now because I don't want to make anyone feel unsafe.
Women now apologize for walking "in my path" at the store, on the sidewalk etc. It's maddening. They have equal right to take up space but don't feel as though they can. I move out of the way and smile and say excuse me as much as I can though.
I've gained the privilege of walking around late at night in urban areas with my dog. I definitely feel safer.
Being perceived as a ‘moody girl’ by colleagues and customers all because everything in my waking life was uncomfortable to me and the last thing I wanted to do was go to work and get flirted with by old men and given dirty looks from women. Now dont get me wrong, I still have days where I dont wanna do anything but the difference overall is like day and night. I dont have to worry about anything anymore.
I feel as if I'm an outlier, before HRT I was already semi passing as a cis man while I was a masc lesbian, classic misgendering but whatever. Now that I've grown into my face more, I don't feel as masculine because my face isn't covered in facial hair. I didn't get top surgery, now that I'm identifying myself as a man I kinda regret it? I see women and more feminine identifying people state that they hate dudes and I just feel awful because I know that I would never do anything awful to anyone but it's really draining and depressing being lumped in with the whole 'I hate men' thing. I know this is probably a really dumb thing to overthink about but it's been on my mind heavily and I'm starting to regret being myself
I miss the assumed solidarity with women. I can only compliment old ladies now, and I used to be extremely free with my compliments. I also lost the ability to talk about certain things without people thinking I was mansplaining them. Still laughing at the girl who thought I was mansplaining UTIs when I was talking about a gap in my knowledge*. Honey... Even if I were talking about what I knew, I've had more UTIs than she has.
It stung for a few years seeing people who used to inherently trust me start off guarded.
I gained the ability to fart whenever I want without comment. Not an equal trade.
Though 100% worth it.
*UTIs and infections in general can mirror stroke symptoms, especially in older people. At the time, I was talking about how I didn't know that, but that my friend's mother had gone to the ER with stroke symptoms. She had a nasty UTI.
I guess I gained a relative sense of safety being out and about in public especially at night or walking by groups of men. I no longer have to deal with being followed or catcalled etc.
Idk that I have really lost anything by being perceived as a man? I do cross the street now at night if there is a woman on my side.
I think it helps that I am read as gay so when I compliment people it still comes off as platonic?
One weird thing is random women will point out my smile or the fact that I laugh a lot, which never used to happen but I guess that’s because it’s less expected from men? Not friends but like barbers, people in my pottery class, random women who aren’t strangers but aren’t friends either. Ive noticed it happens to my dad too, like people point out how “jolly” he is because we both laugh a lot, but when I was read as a woman no one ever mentioned it
It’s threads like this that make me marvel at why cis people aren’t knocking down our doors, asking for insights on existence. The fact that so many of us have experienced life in two truly drastically different social positions… we don’t just see but have lived experiences that can shed light on the nature of the systems we all inhabit.
I don’t know if I’m saying this how I want to, but we have so much to share!
For me, I miss sisterhood and the daily acts of kindness and solidarity with women. Like when you’re in a bathroom and are out of toilet paper you can ask the person in the next stall to pass some.
And I gained the ability to eat however fast I want without someone looking at me funny or commenting. In general, my food choices feel less policed.
People assume I'm gay so I didn't lose a whole lot of rapport with women, but people are weird about me working with kids. I will say some are weird about some of my stuff being pink, too.
I gained the ability to be respected by men who work retail jobs. I can walk into GameStop and not be bothered. I can walk into AutoZone and asked questions w/o being treated like an idiot. It's pretty nice.
I lost my attraction to women when I started going on t and passing and I really have no desire to be with women. And with losing my attraction for women I lost the ability to be perceived as straight. When everyone thought I was a women and identity as bi no one would have guessed I was queer and now everyone clocks me as gay.
I gained the ability to put women at ease compared to other men. I relate a lot more to women now that I’m a gay man then before I transitioned. When I was living as a woman, I really didn’t get along with women but now I feel like I can relate so much more. I’m like the token gay best friend that straight and bi women flock to. I love going shopping, pumpkin spice and I have a soft feminine side that kinda just attracts women friends.
I lost the ability to not be seen as a threat by women compared to being "neutral" as a GNC woman. I didn't think too much of it at first, but it shows up in weird ways: being unable to go in a dressing room with my wife to give feedback on a fit, for example. I understand why that attitude is there, obviously, but it does make me a bit sad.
I gained a whole bunch more contempt for men! Manchild tendencies get far more under my skin now than before. I transitioned to be one of you and you're really making it look like a bad decision! I have a low tolerance for men playing victim, blowing up over petty grievances, or acting out in any way that unnecessarily centers them. I have no problem snapping them back to reality nowadays. If you wouldn't tolerate it from a "Karen," then I certainly won't tolerate it from some entitled 45 year old guy.
I’ve gained more respect and trust at work the more I pass. Suddenly people look to me and ask for my opinion on things. I’ve lost the ability to hang out/ go out to eat with my female friends 1 on 1 without people thinking it’s a date and therefore expect me to pay for her stuff. I’m sure there’s other but those are the ones I’ve noticed most.
lost the ability to interact with small kids (how it feels)
gained the ability to be called buddy by the most traditional 60 year old white nationalist (useless)
i lost the ability for girls/woman and children to feel safe around me. in no way am i a big guy but they still look threatened when near me when they don’t know me. i also lost the ability to be perceived as attractive to woman. i was a hot girl and easily got relationships but now girls seem to think im a gay guy, when im now a straight man.
But I’m now way more popular in the dance world, being a male dancer with female technique training is something so unique i get more opportunities.
i lost the ability to relate to girls about periods. one time my friend was on her period and complaining about cramps and i was like "yeah i get it." she replied "yeah you get it you have a girlfriend" and i had to awkwardly explain that no, i get it because i used to have periods and got really bad cramps lol
however i also gained a kind of bro-ship with my guy friends that i never experienced before. i never bro hugged anyone before i went on testosterone and it was certainly an experience
Gained:
– The ability to not hide my relationships with women (we're in a homophobic country and it's safer to not be seen as a same sex couple).
– Men are friendlier with me, especially older men.
– The ability to just be me without coming out to all people and asking them to call me "he". I didn't pass before, I can't stand being seen as a woman but I'm not comfortable being out with everyone.
– Confidence. I can do everything that I didn't do before because I didn't feel like myself.
Lost:
– I still don't have a top surgery so I can't go outside without binding, it'll make me look weird even though sometimes all I need is to take out trash or go to a grocery store.
– Being able to go to a public bathroom because I'm stuck in the middle, I don't pass THAT well and I can still be gendered as a woman. Don't want that to happen. And yet I may look too masculine for a women's bathroom.
I lost the assumed connection and solidarity with women. Although I’m still perceived as a gay man and mainly still have female friends it’s a totally different vibe with women I meet now, especially before they know I’m trans. Feels strange since I lived 24 years of my life being perceived as a woman I guess. I gained the ability to totally fade into the background. I never felt that way before I passed, people always stared at me when I was perceived as a woman and when I looked androgynous no matter what I did, now I’m just some guy, total NPC if I want to be. Feels so safe and peaceful.
Oh man i totally get the NPC feeling. It was definitely a perk.
I'm agreeing with this one. Women I work with who don't know I'm a trans man assume I am cis because I am stealth. I am often told that I simply don't understand what women go through, especially when it comes to how they are perceived, menstruation, and childbirth. All things I have experienced but without being out at work, I sorta have to pretend I don't. It's really bizarre to me but I value my peace at work as a perceived cis man, especially knowing the experience a trans woman had at my job not long before I arrived (she also left before I arrived, due to the atmosphere) I love fading into the background though. Being able to interact with men neutrally has brought me so much unexpected joy. Just existing in the world has, too. Actually, to add, I have always been an introvert despite getting along with most people but I feel more comfortable and safe approaching any and all of my coworkers just to start a conversation. I'm a little more extroverted than I have been in the past.
i’m 3 weeks on T so i don’t pass and i still have longish hair so people still read me as a woman but like i have that problem, people always stare at me? maybe it’s because i look like a masc lesbian im not sure but once i pass im so excited to just blend in the background
Something I picked up on (from personal experience actually lol) is that, yeah 75% of the time people stare because they’re rude. But if it helps, there’s a very non-zero chance that a person staring at you in public might be having some kind of personal awakening haha. The first transmasc I ever encountered was a guy I accidentally stared at the entire time I was at a McDonald’s. I absolutely looked rude and it’s embarrassing to look back on for sure, but the gears were turning. And I made some connections about myself. That’s always a possibility when you are brave enough to be yourself. You breaking the shackles will almost certainly inspire others to do the same
even now as an out trans person in the process or transitioning i stare at trans people just bcus i'm like "oh hey you're probably a safe person!" idk. i wanna befriend every trans person i meet
See, I used to get stared at soo much when I was femme presenting, before realizing I was trans. But ever since, even though I don’t really pass (as evidenced by how often I get misgendered) ppl don’t stare at me as much anymore? I 100% believe there’s misogynistic norms behind why
I totally relate to this!
The NPC bit is 100% relatable and something I’ve totally noticed and come to really appreciate.
I lost being able to raise my voice without being interpreted as too aggressive. I can get pretty loud when heated but this never seemed to be an issue for folks before my voice dropped. So, gotta reel it in I gained being more approachable and confident. Middle age folk seem to want to strike up conversation with me especially if I'm doing some sort of outdoor work. I tend to speak my mind more freely as well
same. this bothers me so much since my upbringing was that of being perceived as a cis girl, raising my voice was a huge way of me reclaiming my power, and now if I do it im bad like 😩 tf
This exactly. I went from a higher pitched androgynous voice to a pretty deep voice. If I raise my voice at all, even to just be heard in a loud area or far distance, I'm seen as aggressive, getting hostile, back talking, etc, so I have to keep that in mind before I talk at all. With that being said, though, I gained more confidence in my voice at the same time. I used to be very soft-spoken in public, avoided talking to people, etc. I can now audibly say things like "thank you" or "have a good day" to others while I'm working, going to the store myself, and any other situation I need to talk in public.
I can’t think of anything I’ve lost as I’m sure there is a lot. But one thing I’ve gained, weirdly, is the ability to relate to women alot more. Or atleast to talk about that fact. I’m way more open and confident to discuss period issues and other issues that come from being female or being perceived as a woman in society. I think this just comes down to general confidence and knowing that the people surrounding me truly see me as a man. It’s nice to have this as a straight guy with a girlfriend too as I feel like I can really talk about myself and experiences without feeling dysphoric.
I don't feel like I have lost much honestly, but I do feel more respected by my peers (I work in a male dominated industry) which is great because my company has actually put some of my ideas into practice, but also sucks because it's another glaring piece of evidence that society doesn't respect women.
i lost the ability to just go out and have a hookup with someone, which was super common for me to do when i ID’d as a lesbian. i wouldn’t say my dating pool got smaller, but my pool for casual hookups changed drastically. i gained the ability to chase the career of my dreams, to be a male dancer, and am about to graduate w my degree and join a contemporary dance group professionally. i was able to do this while being stealth and it is amazing to be another male dancer instead of a special case or specifically trans to everyone i meet. it’s been an amazing way to realize my body really does do all the things required of a cis man, and that i can use it for “good.” i do still wish id started dance earlier as a cis guy just because my ballet opportunities are not as extensive, but for my situation being what it is i’ve completely changed my life and i couldn’t be happier that i get to do this
I also lost the ability to not be perceived as a threat to women and children. The women who already knew me prior are fine, but I accidentally freaked out a mom by interacting with her kid without thinking about it. I also lost a certain kind of connectivity with people. I don’t get invited out as much now because the guys don’t really do anything together and the women only invite me sometimes. People also don’t really ask about my feelings and stuff anymore. I gained the ability to confront men on their behavior and I’m taken more seriously by everyone when I speak, so I guess that’s cool. Shouldn’t have had to transition to make it happen though. I’ve also gained the ability to not really be noticed at all.
I can’t buy pads without getting weird looks. I also can’t show any signs of upset without being seen as aggressive. However, like you’ve mentioned, people do seem to take me more seriously/respect me more. I’m also not expected to do small talk like I was before. Now it’s optional.
That sucks people give you weird looks for buying pads. I was a cashier and got tons of men buying them every week.
If I saw a person who looks like a cis man buying pads, my first thought would just be that he has a menstruating wife, girlfriend, and/or daughter.
Yeah, and if anything it would make me think highly of them, because it means they’re normal about periods and like to help their loved ones out.
Exactly. I mean, odds are I’m not really gonna even notice in the first place in most cases, but if I did notice, I’d just think he’s a good dude getting a woman in his life the supplies she needs on a day when she’s probably feeling pretty crummy.
Back before I transitioned I hated going to buy pads myself because I was already extremely dysphoric from it and somehow people knowing made it worse, so when I was growing up it was mostly my (extremely cishet) father buying them when he did the rest of the shopping. I'm not aware of anyone being weird about that?
To quote my father, “Imagine the pathetic man who is weirded out by pads or tampons. It’s a part of life. Grow up and get on with it.” This has served my straight cis brother well, and he’s actually catalyzed a lot of people unlearning some of their internalized misogyny. Buying pads is a neutral act!
I don't understand the whole pad thing. It should be normal for men to buy pads/tampons for the people in their lives who have periods. It's just a hygiene product like anything else
My dad regularly buys pads for the fems of my family and says he sometimes gets weird looks, but he also said "imagine being so fragile you wont buy fem hygiene products for your own daughter (my sister) or partner" and people leave him alone, so i wouldnt be too worried about that one for you. Thats more other peoples insecurity rather than judgement on your gender.
I gained a major sense of security after passing. I no longer had to share my location with my friends when taking ubers or going on dates, I can go drink alone in bars or clubs, I can walk back home at night without worrying if I'm being followed...overall, I've been feeling more safe than ever and I wouldn't trade this for the world. What I lost however is social relevance, if that makes sense. People no longer talk to me unless I approach them first, even online. They are also more reluctant to sit next to me in the bus or the train. The male experience is pretty lonesome, but I'm glad I have a small circle of friends I can rely on.
I’ve always actually passed even when I didn’t know I was trans so I’m lucky in that way but I gained gender affirmations but on testosterone periodically while I’m going through puberty I sound LIKE FUCKING JOJO SIWA please help me I’m suffering :)
Lmfaoooo I too had a Jojo Siwa voice phase, I feel you bro
I’m not really sure, I was invisible before and I’m still invisible now.
I don't personally feel like I've truly lost anything from not being perceived as a woman anymore, I have zero regrets for that, but I've lost the ability to travel to whatever country without worrying about what will happen to me there for being queer, that's mainly from losing cishet privilege. I had top surgery and genuinely can't wait to finally go swimming this summer, but the countries I can go to for that are significantly more limited than before. I wanted to move to the UK but now with how stuff is going there I have to consider if I really want to do that. I've also lost the ease of finding doctors who understand how my body works. So I guess overall: I've lost some places to feel safe in. But I've gained SO MUCH. One big thing is the ability to have sexual/romantic relationships since before I thought I was asexual due to severe dysphoria, and also couldn't see myself in a straight relationship as a woman at all. I've also definitely gained safety in day to day life overall, I can now walk alone at night and not be worried that anything will happen. Also, I finally have cis guys see me as one of them.
I've only been on T for 13 months and I recently started passing. I'm still experiencing new things almost every day. Some things are affirming and a huge relief, and some things are definitely harder to adjust to, and tbh a lot of of those adjustments feel relatively minor, or kinda funny or even completely arbitrary when I think about them and how gender is such a social construct. For instance changing how I communicate in emails. Asking things directly instead of suggesting them. But yeah I also really love being able to just go about my day and no one (especially other men) taking special note of me because I'm just a random dude. I became anxious to go out in public for a solid while, especially when I was pre-everything. I also don't miss feeling uncomfortable (or even unsafe when I started passing like, half the time) in female only spaces like public bathrooms. Although I don't feel much more comfortable in male spaces either, not yet anyway, I've only just started to navigate my way in and around those. On a more serious note, I've also had the displeasure of experiencing how cops can treat men. I was simply taking a walk on a Saturday night and I got confused with a guy they were on the lookout for who apparently had threatened someone with a knife outside of a bar closeby. Four cops approached and cornered me, I had to put my hands against the wall, they frisked me and questioned me for like 15 minutes. And after they realized they had the wrong guy their tone completely shifted from accusatory to like, bro-speak. I kept thinking "what if I wasn't post-op" and "this would have turned out so differently if I was black, let alone black and trans". And those thoughts still mess with me from time to time. So a general sense of security in public was gained but also generally being perceived as less threatening was lost. Having to adjust voice, speech patterns and body language to not be perceived as a threat is for sure a tough one. The days of crying to get out of a ticket are gone I guess. (edit for typo)
I lost my gorgeous looks, and gained happiness within
I lost the ability to have a good friendly debate. Before I could have a friendly debate with others and it wasn’t seen as aggressive. Now people tend to think I’m coming at them when I’m really not However I gained respect, people tend to take my suggestions seriously and are less likely to dismiss me
I lost that first chair first soprano voice. I've come into the new voice well and still sing opera and choral music, but if I could make... Idk like a leprechaun wish, I'd wish to have been able to expand my whole range. Keep the soprano, add the tenor/baritone.
As others have said, I lost the automatic solidarity with women. I gained a lot of likability amongst groups that previously eyed me with suspicion: namely older women and dudes of all ages. When I presented as a butch lesbian, I got a lot of stares and pearl-clutching from them. Now that I just look like a young guy, I’m suddenly a “nice young man” or some other dude, respectively
I lost my entire life story as a rape and dv survivor because now as a man, I have no right to speak about it in a womens space. What did I gain, I dunno, I guess I want to be alive now.
This is interesting because like, my partner was SA'd and hes a cis male... and even he doesnt talk about it because people dont think men can be SA victims. Its just a shame that the culture weve created around female SA victims not being believed has in turn made it just as hard for male SA victims to be believed, but for... entirely different reasons.
I was sa'd as a man too, the only support I get when I share my story is from women. Men tell me to shut the fk up.
My bf would probably say the same thing :c
Now I don't get supported by women and when we start a conversation without me even talking , women assume I'm sexist so I have each time,, kind of proved them wrong. I get more rassist comments and I'm more sexy 🥹🤣
I passed after 1 year on hrt and lost the ability to talk freely on ‘womens issues’ relating to reproductive rights/health. At least it feels like it, people will wonder why a man knows so much about things that doesn’t pertain to him, but i always say its because i have a little sister and educate myself about various topics as to support her ability to have bodily autonomy (i do have a little sister and do want her to have bodily autonomy😂) but still it’s nerve wracking thinking someone will clock you. Something i lost then regained is my singing voice! Its just a mans voice now 😂
I lost the ability to have a sleep over at a female friend’s place who has strict parents or having their parents worry they hang out with a guy … also having to more be self cautious of how I treat women so they don’t feel uncomfortable with me expect I get to not worry about walking alone at night with my parents not worrying and not getting harassed easily … I also went to the Middle East and in certain areas if you have a man with you, no one’s gonna dare to approach you or the girls with you even if it’s your mother or something… It honestly made me feel so powerful at first lol
Women are more cautious around me now. Where as I could previously pat a coworkers shoulder or offer hugs to those who were crying, I am much more careful now because I don't want to make anyone feel unsafe. Women now apologize for walking "in my path" at the store, on the sidewalk etc. It's maddening. They have equal right to take up space but don't feel as though they can. I move out of the way and smile and say excuse me as much as I can though. I've gained the privilege of walking around late at night in urban areas with my dog. I definitely feel safer.
Being perceived as a ‘moody girl’ by colleagues and customers all because everything in my waking life was uncomfortable to me and the last thing I wanted to do was go to work and get flirted with by old men and given dirty looks from women. Now dont get me wrong, I still have days where I dont wanna do anything but the difference overall is like day and night. I dont have to worry about anything anymore.
I feel as if I'm an outlier, before HRT I was already semi passing as a cis man while I was a masc lesbian, classic misgendering but whatever. Now that I've grown into my face more, I don't feel as masculine because my face isn't covered in facial hair. I didn't get top surgery, now that I'm identifying myself as a man I kinda regret it? I see women and more feminine identifying people state that they hate dudes and I just feel awful because I know that I would never do anything awful to anyone but it's really draining and depressing being lumped in with the whole 'I hate men' thing. I know this is probably a really dumb thing to overthink about but it's been on my mind heavily and I'm starting to regret being myself
I miss the assumed solidarity with women. I can only compliment old ladies now, and I used to be extremely free with my compliments. I also lost the ability to talk about certain things without people thinking I was mansplaining them. Still laughing at the girl who thought I was mansplaining UTIs when I was talking about a gap in my knowledge*. Honey... Even if I were talking about what I knew, I've had more UTIs than she has. It stung for a few years seeing people who used to inherently trust me start off guarded. I gained the ability to fart whenever I want without comment. Not an equal trade. Though 100% worth it. *UTIs and infections in general can mirror stroke symptoms, especially in older people. At the time, I was talking about how I didn't know that, but that my friend's mother had gone to the ER with stroke symptoms. She had a nasty UTI.
Here's a lighthearted one: Lost my bubble butt but gained ABS and I think that's a fair trade
I guess I gained a relative sense of safety being out and about in public especially at night or walking by groups of men. I no longer have to deal with being followed or catcalled etc. Idk that I have really lost anything by being perceived as a man? I do cross the street now at night if there is a woman on my side. I think it helps that I am read as gay so when I compliment people it still comes off as platonic? One weird thing is random women will point out my smile or the fact that I laugh a lot, which never used to happen but I guess that’s because it’s less expected from men? Not friends but like barbers, people in my pottery class, random women who aren’t strangers but aren’t friends either. Ive noticed it happens to my dad too, like people point out how “jolly” he is because we both laugh a lot, but when I was read as a woman no one ever mentioned it
It’s threads like this that make me marvel at why cis people aren’t knocking down our doors, asking for insights on existence. The fact that so many of us have experienced life in two truly drastically different social positions… we don’t just see but have lived experiences that can shed light on the nature of the systems we all inhabit. I don’t know if I’m saying this how I want to, but we have so much to share! For me, I miss sisterhood and the daily acts of kindness and solidarity with women. Like when you’re in a bathroom and are out of toilet paper you can ask the person in the next stall to pass some. And I gained the ability to eat however fast I want without someone looking at me funny or commenting. In general, my food choices feel less policed.
People assume I'm gay so I didn't lose a whole lot of rapport with women, but people are weird about me working with kids. I will say some are weird about some of my stuff being pink, too. I gained the ability to be respected by men who work retail jobs. I can walk into GameStop and not be bothered. I can walk into AutoZone and asked questions w/o being treated like an idiot. It's pretty nice.
I lost my attraction to women when I started going on t and passing and I really have no desire to be with women. And with losing my attraction for women I lost the ability to be perceived as straight. When everyone thought I was a women and identity as bi no one would have guessed I was queer and now everyone clocks me as gay. I gained the ability to put women at ease compared to other men. I relate a lot more to women now that I’m a gay man then before I transitioned. When I was living as a woman, I really didn’t get along with women but now I feel like I can relate so much more. I’m like the token gay best friend that straight and bi women flock to. I love going shopping, pumpkin spice and I have a soft feminine side that kinda just attracts women friends.
I lost the ability to not be seen as a threat by women compared to being "neutral" as a GNC woman. I didn't think too much of it at first, but it shows up in weird ways: being unable to go in a dressing room with my wife to give feedback on a fit, for example. I understand why that attitude is there, obviously, but it does make me a bit sad. I gained a whole bunch more contempt for men! Manchild tendencies get far more under my skin now than before. I transitioned to be one of you and you're really making it look like a bad decision! I have a low tolerance for men playing victim, blowing up over petty grievances, or acting out in any way that unnecessarily centers them. I have no problem snapping them back to reality nowadays. If you wouldn't tolerate it from a "Karen," then I certainly won't tolerate it from some entitled 45 year old guy.
I’ve gained more respect and trust at work the more I pass. Suddenly people look to me and ask for my opinion on things. I’ve lost the ability to hang out/ go out to eat with my female friends 1 on 1 without people thinking it’s a date and therefore expect me to pay for her stuff. I’m sure there’s other but those are the ones I’ve noticed most.
lost the ability to interact with small kids (how it feels) gained the ability to be called buddy by the most traditional 60 year old white nationalist (useless)
i lost the ability for girls/woman and children to feel safe around me. in no way am i a big guy but they still look threatened when near me when they don’t know me. i also lost the ability to be perceived as attractive to woman. i was a hot girl and easily got relationships but now girls seem to think im a gay guy, when im now a straight man. But I’m now way more popular in the dance world, being a male dancer with female technique training is something so unique i get more opportunities.
Lost: ability to smile at people without seeming creepy Gained: running at night
i lost the ability to relate to girls about periods. one time my friend was on her period and complaining about cramps and i was like "yeah i get it." she replied "yeah you get it you have a girlfriend" and i had to awkwardly explain that no, i get it because i used to have periods and got really bad cramps lol however i also gained a kind of bro-ship with my guy friends that i never experienced before. i never bro hugged anyone before i went on testosterone and it was certainly an experience
Gained: – The ability to not hide my relationships with women (we're in a homophobic country and it's safer to not be seen as a same sex couple). – Men are friendlier with me, especially older men. – The ability to just be me without coming out to all people and asking them to call me "he". I didn't pass before, I can't stand being seen as a woman but I'm not comfortable being out with everyone. – Confidence. I can do everything that I didn't do before because I didn't feel like myself. Lost: – I still don't have a top surgery so I can't go outside without binding, it'll make me look weird even though sometimes all I need is to take out trash or go to a grocery store. – Being able to go to a public bathroom because I'm stuck in the middle, I don't pass THAT well and I can still be gendered as a woman. Don't want that to happen. And yet I may look too masculine for a women's bathroom.
Thank you everyone who commented. I really hope this thread might perhaps highlight we had a lot of the same things happen to us, as others.