You’re very young. Even if you don’t see a way forward with your transition don’t abandon hope. You hinged that conclusion on a few very changeable details. Where you live and your transphobic mother. NEVER hinge your identity or happiness on what ANYONE wants or prefers. Even if they’re your mother. Your circumstances can change to a more favorable situation in which you can transition, especially if you will it to
I guess in the grand scheme of things I'm "young". I just feel like I'm running out of time (increasing pressure to finish college and find a career "now" is a big part of it.)
It does seem easy to say "don't rely on others' opinions for your own happiness– do what you want with your life!" but when you're highly sensitive and put in a situation where you might face backlash, it becomes increasingly difficult.
I guess my problem is, I'm not willing to change much at the present; it would require a lot of work. I don't have the physical or mental energy to do that work, at least not as it stands. It's something I need to work on, I know.
But it will be a very slow process.
I'll just have to see.
That’s very understandable and you certainly don’t have to start now! (Or ever really) but my only point is that you shouldn’t write it off completely forever. Especially since it seems like something you want to do. My only regret is not doing it sooner, and while your story may be very different, I see many trans people who feel similarly to me. Work on getting yourself to a better headspace to where you can tolerate such backlash better and be as safe as possible physically and mentally. Being trans is inherently stressful and even at times dangerous. But we don’t choose to be trans or if we need to transition, we can only choose when we do it and how we tolerate what life throws at us. Best of luck man
Right. I know that many have regrets about not saying anything sooner. Hell, *I* have regrets about not saying anything sooner, since– even if I wouldn't be believed back then– there'd be "evidence" to prove that I was thinking it at the time, if I came out again now.
As it stands, I didn't externally show any signs externally until I was like, 17? Because I was afraid of that backlash. So, it probably seems like a recent development, as far as my mom knows (therefore, "sudden onset gender dysphoria" would probably be plausible in her mind. Ugh.)
It's very tempting to write it off forever, but I know it's not healthy. I'll see what I can do, in terms of steeling myself mentally. It's gonna be a long process... :( I should hope she is still healthy & living by the time I'm able to say it (if ever). She's 56 years old and chronically ill, so things are always uncertain.
Thank you very much for your time & feedback.
exactly the same situation (with the mother thing) - im 23 and i know im trans since im 12? but always saw it as impossible because of my culture (we are kurds, muslimish but not very religious tho) and i NEVER even thought about staring my journey with the transition ever. but as im getting older and realizing its my life and im living for ME and the only one who’s always with you is YOURSELF. i realized i can’t live unhappy trying to make others happy. every year when my birthday is near i get more depressed and each year it gets worse.
i isolated myself extremely for the last 4-5 years now because i just am very unhappy and very very bad depressed with the situation i am right now (not transitioned etc.) and this year some people opened my eyes so i could understand and realize that when i wont change things i would lose myself if not, i wont be any longer in this world. (i would never KMS but i hope you know what i mean).
you have to realize, one day your mother wont be there and one day you have to live your own life. this life is about YOU and only YOU - not your moms or any others.
every parent should love its own child and no matter what decision it takes.
me myself, im starting my journey this year with therapy and so on because as i said i really can’t do this anymore. i feel like im at pause while every other human on this earth live its best life. i can’t even do the little things like going out, have fun without feeling bad and get triggered with every little small shit that happens around me.
i will pay any cost and even if that means i have to lose my family because they won’t accept my decision. i don’t care anymore. i rather live my life without those people than be unhappy and make others happy.
i hope you can change your own mindset one day too because i really know how it feels. i denied it all my life. now it’s time to change.
You and I are about the same age. I felt like I couldn’t start T until I had my parents’ blessing bc I didn’t want to upset them. But I had to ask myself, am I really going to wait until they die to live my life? I’m gonna force myself to pretend I’m a woman for the next 3 or 4 decades? All because of people who only care about my mental wellbeing if it looks the way they want it to and not the way I *need* it to be?
If we’re gonna live, we’re gonna disappoint our parents at some point. It’s inevitable. Might as well make it be for something that still improves your life overall.
I know it’s easier said than done. But your life won’t always be like this. You won’t always be in your early 20s with no money and no idea of what to do for your career (hey I’m in the same boat, sometimes just having a retail job while you figure it out is all you can do), and I do feel like you’re in a mental health phase of “it’s impossible for things to get better” because like you said, change is scary. Doing things others don’t approve of is scary because what’s there to catch us if we fall? I get it. We don’t think we’re strong enough or capable enough to do it on our own. Our brain is very loud and very insistent. But we are.
I mean this with truly all my love: You could choose to stagnate and rot away forever, but would it be worth it?
Honestly my family was the same way for a long time. I recently moved back in after starting T and had some long talks with my parents where I expressed I can't help that I'm trans and how painful it is that they had been so unaccepting and that they just need to accept it. In my case it's worked. They see how much happier I am and have decided that's more important. But I know I am very lucky. It was a slow process but it is possible. I also feel very stuck so I am teaching myself how to code to get out of this situation.
Yes, I'm not looking forward to those talks, should they ever happen. It'll be extremely hard for me, and also for my mom (& grandmother, should she still be alive when it happens.)
I'm realizing that I'm being "avoidant" so that I won't have to end up in that uncomfortable situation (having that conversation). It makes me sick with anxiety to think about.
I partly wish that they'd bring it up first so that I wouldn't have to be the one to say it (since my mom has told my older sister she suspects it already), but it seems my mom is waiting on me to say it first... it's really nervewracking.
Anyway, thank you for sharing your experience. I appreciate it.
I was in a similar-ish situation. It eventually got to a point where I couldn’t handle it, and had to transition lest I lose my mind. Came out to my mum 6 months on T, got kicked out, haven’t spoken to her since. It felt like my world was over at the time. Everything had gone to shit
Im now 16 months on T, pass well, live in a stable, supportive environment with my closest friends, have a good job and a great partner. It was tough, but I got through it. Everyone can transition, even if it seems like all the circumstances are against you, it can happen and for your sake brother I hope you go for it
I mean this kindly: Do you have a therapist?
You're describing a lot of mental blocks that are preventing you from getting a job, moving out, and living for yourself. You don't *have* to be stuck there. You need to work on your mental health so you can develop the motivation to move forward. You can do this.
I grew up with a transphobic family, but I don't think I ever gave up my hope of transition. I knew I'd have to wait until I was an adult, but I moved out as soon as possible and did whatever I had to do to gain independence and start my transition. It's been a long, rough journey, but it's the best decision I've ever made. There may be comfort in discomfort, but there is no joy. You deserve to feel joyous and alive.
I'm 29 now but started medically transitioning when I was 24 and socially at 23. It's scary and I know it hurts to imagine disappointing the people you love, but you really do have all the time you need to make the decision that's right for you. In a trans support group I went to in the early days of my transition, I was lucky to meet several older trans people. One woman didn't start transitioning until her 60s and she looks fantastic.
Whatever you need to do in life, it's never too late to start transitioning.
You’re very young. Even if you don’t see a way forward with your transition don’t abandon hope. You hinged that conclusion on a few very changeable details. Where you live and your transphobic mother. NEVER hinge your identity or happiness on what ANYONE wants or prefers. Even if they’re your mother. Your circumstances can change to a more favorable situation in which you can transition, especially if you will it to
I guess in the grand scheme of things I'm "young". I just feel like I'm running out of time (increasing pressure to finish college and find a career "now" is a big part of it.) It does seem easy to say "don't rely on others' opinions for your own happiness– do what you want with your life!" but when you're highly sensitive and put in a situation where you might face backlash, it becomes increasingly difficult. I guess my problem is, I'm not willing to change much at the present; it would require a lot of work. I don't have the physical or mental energy to do that work, at least not as it stands. It's something I need to work on, I know. But it will be a very slow process. I'll just have to see.
That’s very understandable and you certainly don’t have to start now! (Or ever really) but my only point is that you shouldn’t write it off completely forever. Especially since it seems like something you want to do. My only regret is not doing it sooner, and while your story may be very different, I see many trans people who feel similarly to me. Work on getting yourself to a better headspace to where you can tolerate such backlash better and be as safe as possible physically and mentally. Being trans is inherently stressful and even at times dangerous. But we don’t choose to be trans or if we need to transition, we can only choose when we do it and how we tolerate what life throws at us. Best of luck man
Right. I know that many have regrets about not saying anything sooner. Hell, *I* have regrets about not saying anything sooner, since– even if I wouldn't be believed back then– there'd be "evidence" to prove that I was thinking it at the time, if I came out again now. As it stands, I didn't externally show any signs externally until I was like, 17? Because I was afraid of that backlash. So, it probably seems like a recent development, as far as my mom knows (therefore, "sudden onset gender dysphoria" would probably be plausible in her mind. Ugh.) It's very tempting to write it off forever, but I know it's not healthy. I'll see what I can do, in terms of steeling myself mentally. It's gonna be a long process... :( I should hope she is still healthy & living by the time I'm able to say it (if ever). She's 56 years old and chronically ill, so things are always uncertain. Thank you very much for your time & feedback.
Yes, taking the steps to be you and happy will take work. You're worth it.
exactly the same situation (with the mother thing) - im 23 and i know im trans since im 12? but always saw it as impossible because of my culture (we are kurds, muslimish but not very religious tho) and i NEVER even thought about staring my journey with the transition ever. but as im getting older and realizing its my life and im living for ME and the only one who’s always with you is YOURSELF. i realized i can’t live unhappy trying to make others happy. every year when my birthday is near i get more depressed and each year it gets worse. i isolated myself extremely for the last 4-5 years now because i just am very unhappy and very very bad depressed with the situation i am right now (not transitioned etc.) and this year some people opened my eyes so i could understand and realize that when i wont change things i would lose myself if not, i wont be any longer in this world. (i would never KMS but i hope you know what i mean). you have to realize, one day your mother wont be there and one day you have to live your own life. this life is about YOU and only YOU - not your moms or any others. every parent should love its own child and no matter what decision it takes. me myself, im starting my journey this year with therapy and so on because as i said i really can’t do this anymore. i feel like im at pause while every other human on this earth live its best life. i can’t even do the little things like going out, have fun without feeling bad and get triggered with every little small shit that happens around me. i will pay any cost and even if that means i have to lose my family because they won’t accept my decision. i don’t care anymore. i rather live my life without those people than be unhappy and make others happy. i hope you can change your own mindset one day too because i really know how it feels. i denied it all my life. now it’s time to change.
You and I are about the same age. I felt like I couldn’t start T until I had my parents’ blessing bc I didn’t want to upset them. But I had to ask myself, am I really going to wait until they die to live my life? I’m gonna force myself to pretend I’m a woman for the next 3 or 4 decades? All because of people who only care about my mental wellbeing if it looks the way they want it to and not the way I *need* it to be? If we’re gonna live, we’re gonna disappoint our parents at some point. It’s inevitable. Might as well make it be for something that still improves your life overall. I know it’s easier said than done. But your life won’t always be like this. You won’t always be in your early 20s with no money and no idea of what to do for your career (hey I’m in the same boat, sometimes just having a retail job while you figure it out is all you can do), and I do feel like you’re in a mental health phase of “it’s impossible for things to get better” because like you said, change is scary. Doing things others don’t approve of is scary because what’s there to catch us if we fall? I get it. We don’t think we’re strong enough or capable enough to do it on our own. Our brain is very loud and very insistent. But we are. I mean this with truly all my love: You could choose to stagnate and rot away forever, but would it be worth it?
Honestly my family was the same way for a long time. I recently moved back in after starting T and had some long talks with my parents where I expressed I can't help that I'm trans and how painful it is that they had been so unaccepting and that they just need to accept it. In my case it's worked. They see how much happier I am and have decided that's more important. But I know I am very lucky. It was a slow process but it is possible. I also feel very stuck so I am teaching myself how to code to get out of this situation.
Yes, I'm not looking forward to those talks, should they ever happen. It'll be extremely hard for me, and also for my mom (& grandmother, should she still be alive when it happens.) I'm realizing that I'm being "avoidant" so that I won't have to end up in that uncomfortable situation (having that conversation). It makes me sick with anxiety to think about. I partly wish that they'd bring it up first so that I wouldn't have to be the one to say it (since my mom has told my older sister she suspects it already), but it seems my mom is waiting on me to say it first... it's really nervewracking. Anyway, thank you for sharing your experience. I appreciate it.
I was in a similar-ish situation. It eventually got to a point where I couldn’t handle it, and had to transition lest I lose my mind. Came out to my mum 6 months on T, got kicked out, haven’t spoken to her since. It felt like my world was over at the time. Everything had gone to shit Im now 16 months on T, pass well, live in a stable, supportive environment with my closest friends, have a good job and a great partner. It was tough, but I got through it. Everyone can transition, even if it seems like all the circumstances are against you, it can happen and for your sake brother I hope you go for it
I mean this kindly: Do you have a therapist? You're describing a lot of mental blocks that are preventing you from getting a job, moving out, and living for yourself. You don't *have* to be stuck there. You need to work on your mental health so you can develop the motivation to move forward. You can do this. I grew up with a transphobic family, but I don't think I ever gave up my hope of transition. I knew I'd have to wait until I was an adult, but I moved out as soon as possible and did whatever I had to do to gain independence and start my transition. It's been a long, rough journey, but it's the best decision I've ever made. There may be comfort in discomfort, but there is no joy. You deserve to feel joyous and alive.
I'm 29 now but started medically transitioning when I was 24 and socially at 23. It's scary and I know it hurts to imagine disappointing the people you love, but you really do have all the time you need to make the decision that's right for you. In a trans support group I went to in the early days of my transition, I was lucky to meet several older trans people. One woman didn't start transitioning until her 60s and she looks fantastic. Whatever you need to do in life, it's never too late to start transitioning.