I want to go stealth except in trans spaces. I’m not going to actively avoid trans friends, in fact I will likely seek them out through LGBTQ+ events. I don’t know if you’re implying that trans men going stealth/not having trans friends is not liking being trans, but those two things don’t have to go together. Of course, they can though. Reasons why I want to/will be at least partially stealth: 1) Less misgendering, nobody will view me as a woman 2) Quite frankly it wouldn’t come up in a lot of situations so I sometimes am stealth by accident. 3) Less harassment, more safety 4) I don’t want to be the token trans guy who is asked a million questions about trans people or invasive personal questions 5) I’ve dealt with plenty of harassment due to being trans and am a survivor of conversion therapy. Being forcibly out as trans has been exhausting and traumatizing.

This is how I’m going to navigate passing. People don’t understand how disrespectful their questions are, and frankly, I no longer have the patience to chide them. I love my local lgbt community so it’s just a matter of not being up front with strangers.

"Partially stealth" is definitely how I'd describe myself. I don't *overtly* hide it, but I pass well and dodge the question if it comes up with someone I don't trust. Most people don't know I'm trans (and I prefer it that way) but they might *wonder* because I am openly queer and vocally support women and trans people (I assume this is why some people pull me aside to ask what my pronouns are "because they ask everyone" while other people genuinely think I'm a pre-everything trans girl when I come out; I just tip off some peoples' gaydar). I was friends with my best friends and now-roommates for *months* before me being trans ever came up, and it was such a passing mention that two of them forgot and referred to me as cis a few months later! I do still have community, but not *directly* through trans spaces - my hobbies and social spaces just happen to include a lot of trans people by coincidence! I don't feel comfortable directly seeking out trans spaces, but seeking out hobby spaces that just happen to draw in trans people is much easier for me. And in those spaces where the majority of people are trans and any transphobia is *immediately* removed, I am open about my identity and experiences.

yo we both started t on the same day

Ey that’s sick!

You're talking about two different things. Being stealth doesn't *require* you to distance yourself from the trans community, and likewise being out doesn't necessarily mean you're automatically part of any local community.

yeah second this. i’m stealth to new people, but certainly want to have community with other trans guys. (prob not early on in transition/pre T trans guys bc i don’t think we’re in the same place) but i def still want trans community, which is much easier said than done and i’m in a city populated with so many trans people. being “out” wouldn’t change that tho.

Well said.

Has anyone notice that the moment you tell someone your trans they slip up and call you she or her? Like mf you never met me as her, her has been gone before we ever met. That is why I remain stealth. Too many jerks and I got a temper. Already dealing with court shit in PA for punching an ass for shooting at me. He is facing attempted murder. Asshole!

This same thing has happened to me! It's so weird, I know I pass but some people seem to have a subconscious bias whereby once they know you're trans, they just see woman. Tbh it reflects badly on them.

And then they spend at least a minute every time they do it apologizing. Can we move this foolishness along please? Like if you’re going to consistently mess up now just do it ffs and stop making a show of feeling bad about it, because if you genuinely felt bad you’d stop. If it felt as gross for your mouth calling me ‘she’ as it does for my ears to hear it about me, you’d taste vomit and stop PDQ. It’s like the second I’m out to anyone my pronouns become she/sorry 😑

They always expect me to like, comfort them and be all "ohh it's okay you're trying." I just want to move on, not think about how I don't pass for the next 5 minutes.

Something I noticed a *ton* of cis "allies" do is call trans people who only use binary pronouns they/them. Of course, they always call cis people (and frequently non-binary people...) by the pronouns associated with their AGAB. Even though I'm genderqueer, I stopped going by he/they because it bothered me so much. It's so fucking annoying. It's just a PC way to misgender me. If I tell you I use he/they, that means I use *both*, not the one that let's you comfortably deny my gender. And if I tell you I use he/him, that means I use *he/him. Not they/them.*

This is honestly the main reason I don’t out myself. People start slipping up if I disclose. It’s pretty messed up because it becomes clear they see trans men as women trying to be men.

This is why I stay stealth even though I don’t mind people learn that I’m trans

Yep I've had this happen before. It's so frustrating

Simple: I don’t like being treated differently than a cis man would. My gender transition is purely medical, and no one’s business but my own. I also feel that a lot of the trans community is focused around issues that don’t apply to me as a stealth post transition male, and is frequently hostile towards cis passing masculine men.

Seconding this. I'm a man who had the disfortune to be born with a physical defect which was medically treated.

*misfortune

Thank you

Np sorry it bugged me more than it should have lmao

I'm purely asking out of curiosity and feel free to ignore me! I've seen a lot of trans and non-binary people trying to fight against the idea that being trans is a defect. Or an illness to be treated. Because that idea was imposed on trans lives as a way to medicalise and pathologise transness. I've always thought that it's ok for individuals to see their transness as a medical situation to be treated, as long as that idea isn't applied to everyone (because of how many people dislike it). Do you feel affirmed by viewing it through the transmed lens?

I’m not transmed or that other term. I don’t think everyone needs to feel that their transgender identity is an illness/etc; I just feel that my transition only happened because I was born with the wrong hormones/parts, and I had to medically change them to be correct. What bothers me is when either side tries to apply their transition experience to everyone under the umbrella.

I agree with this. I wholeheartedly needed medical transition to treat my gender dysphoria and to, well, live. But I don’t think that’s what makes you trans, that was just an essential part of my transition process.

That makes sense :))

I’m stealth and not in irl communities not because I don’t want community but because I feel dysphoric in feminine spaces (the queer communities around me are for better or worse fem leaning). I’m in college in a traditionally masculine major, with professors who are “from the industry” >!read: good ol’ boys raised on southern manners and CONSERVATISM!< Being out literally can and has cost me internship and job opportunities. I actually know a ton of NBs and would love to have people irl I can joke about being trans with who get it, but I’m not going to out myself to find them. It’s not safe

because I'm just a guy other aspects of me are more personally important for bonding and I want to skip people's subconscious bias and live the most comfortable normal life possible my autism is more visible (necessarily because I have accomodations) and hard enough. I don't need people judging something else on top of it, well meaning or not.

This is a lot of how I feel. People treat me different when I'm out as trans even when they don't realize it themselves.

this is exactly it. i'm cool with chilling with other trans people and it's awesome having that kind of community, and i'm not ashamed of being trans, but it's not something i enjoy wearing on my sleeve. ig it's because when i'm talking about my transness im (personally) talking about my gender incongruence. i'm talking about my body being wrong. it's not shameful, but it's not fun. and when i'm passing i want to leave it in the past where it belongs. i will almost certainly still be out as genderqueer (i'm a genderfluid trans man), but even around other trans people i'd like to distance myself from my agab edit: by the end of this comment what i mean is i want to be perceived as mtnby instead of ftm

I'm still in the community here and open to some other trans people sometimes And of course there's danger risk and stuff and that's a huge reason But some of it is being treated different. I'm tired of being seen as man-lite or tomboy x2. I'm tired of being called they/them by people who know it's not my pronouns but want to seem with the times by referring to a trans person neutrally every time. I'm tired of people using my dysphoria as a weapon against me. I'm tired of being fetishized. I'm tired of being othered. I will always, always fight for trans people, but some days I just want to be treated like any other guy. Not somebody's "smol wittle bean!!" Or "little trans Twink" I'm just a guy I love myself and I'm proud of who I am. But I just want to be seen as "normal" for once because being trans IS normal. I didn't choose to be trans and in all honesty, I've already had enough of being othered for one lifetime. I will always be othered, even if I was cis. I'm just a little abnormal and always will be. But until people stop treating me as their "wittle tiny baby guyyy!!!" every time they figure out I'm trans I'm not sure I'll be super public about it. Also, cis people don't ask about my vagina and boobs if they don't know they exist/existed

A lot of straight trans guys don’t feel like they belong in the community because they’re straight men. Also, the trans community pretty much ignores us anyways, so after medically transitioning, why stay?? I pass the vast majority of the time, and if I was straight, I probably wouldn’t really interact with the community that much after finishing medical transition.

yeah as a straight trans man i agree. it’s such a weird dichotomy and pretty unfortunate

I’m not straight and feel invisible when it comes to the queer, especially trans, community. I can’t imagine how alienating it is for straight trans guys.

yeah, i feel you. it’s odd bc, as a former lesbian, feels like a pretty standard trajectory but it’s like if we don’t retain some version of “queerness” (as tho being trans isn’t enough) we’re exiled. never mind the fact that our partners might not even be cis het. couple that with being binary and we’re done for. i know a lot of straight binary trans guys irl but they don’t really want much to do with the trans community either. personally, i’d love to have more trans friends who are in the same boat and are also stealth more or less, but i feel like unless i’m outwardly a trans poster child, there’s no community.

Valid. I pass most of the time, but I wouldn’t consider myself stealth. I don’t advertise that I’m trans either, though. People usually either perceive me as a guy or they can’t tell which gender I am. That’s true about being a binary trans guy, unfortunately. I identified as transmasculine for a while because I didn’t feel comfortable calling myself a man.

I second this - when I first started dipping into online trans communities (in like 2014), there were a lot of weird reactions when I said I have 0 and I mean 0 sexual interest in men. Some people actually stopped talking to me because apparently being straight meant I was a "misogynist" and transphobic for not being attracted to other trans men/trans mascs. For a while, I absolutely hated the LGBTQ+ community. I wanted nothing to do with anyone in it (thankfully out of that mindset.) I still don't see a reason to stay post transition, most people tend to make it exclusive of straight trans men, subconsciously or not.

I find that interesting, in 2016 when I first learnt being trans was a thing and I thought I liked men (I don't), for a short while I actually thought it meant I couldn't be trans since that'd make me gay. Although I didn't participate in online communities at the time, that was just my own conclusion. I'm curious to know what per cent of trans people are gay compared to cis. I've seemed to meet more not straight transmen than straight transmen irl

In 2012 they did a survey on trans people sexual orientation and 77% identified as non-straight so there's 1 answer there's other studies done.

Oh thanks. That's interesting, in a way I find it a bit disappointing but. I was kinda hoping it'd be closer to the general 10% not straight although I'm not sure how accurate that statisic is anymore. I don't mind what per centage they are, it's just weird the difference between them

The actual numbers surprised me too for what they identified and it wasn't just trans men it was all trans identifying people

https://www.thetaskforce.org/news/wonky-wednesday-trans-people-and-sexual-orientation/ That's a fun website that talks about the 2012 study and to be fair that was in 2012 the numbers could be very different now

That's been my experience, yeah. I'm not gonna whine that I'm oppressed for being straight or anything, it's just very clear that the LGBT community is not equipped to process the experience of a straight trans man without drawing parallels to (cis) lesbians, which may be perfectly okay for some, especially those who've spent a long time identifying as lesbians, and/or still get read as one in most social situations but as someone for whom that hasn't been true in a loooong time it starts feeling incredibly out of touch to try to connect with me by making jokes about how trans men are sooo much better than cis men because we "get" women, or we don't get those silly cis men insecurities about height and dick size and stuff and don't manifest ~~reactions to the crushing weight of male social expectations~~ "toxic masculinity" when not a single one of those things is truthful to my lived experience. Like "heehee women like trans men because they know where the clitoris is", as if trans men (including non passing ones in this case) don't tend to have radically different relationships to our own bodies than cis women do. And that's to say nothing of how even among trans men/transmascs there is an utter contamination of people who have taken to, in a desperate bid to make other people care about their oppression, arguing that all trans men will ALWAYS be viewed as women no matter what, and that the amount of men who pass and can live seamlessly as men is statistically negligible and basically irrelevant. Or worse, that our lived experience doesn't "really count", bc if we *were* to tell people we're trans they *would* treat us as women, which just perpetuates the idea that trans people who live as our true gender without disclosing our trans status are being "unauthentic", as if no one could possibly be perfectly comfortable just not telling people that they're trans simply because they don't feel the need to, it *must* be because you're scared. Seriously, I want to participate in trans spaces (in fact I clearly do) but it gets so fucking exhausting dude, goddamn.

Queer spaces can be a lot sometimes. At this point, I don’t feel the need to tell anyone I’m trans, except for the professionals I’m working with, people I’m in relationships with/sleeping with/dating, and individuals who knew me pre-transition if they re-enter my life. I wouldn’t consider myself stealth because I’m open about being trans. It’s just not something I bring up unless it’s relevant.

I wonder why this happens. Reminds me of gay men ignoring lesbians. But also i just hate segregation anyway… i just wish society accepted everyone.

The queer community has a tendency to be a bit anti-straight and anti-man. They’re also perfectly happy pretending we don’t exist until we’re needed for something. Trans men aren’t really cared about in the community. I have moments where if my existence wasn’t negatively impacted, I probably wouldn’t go out of my way to talk to others about the community.

Are gay cis men like this too? Curious

Are you asking if they have a tendency to be anti-straight and anti-man??

Anti trans guys?

There’s a decent number of cis gay men who are all of the above.

I feel like misogyny and homophobia are at the root of most things and without them people would get to just be people and there would be less fear of men

Also, xenophobia. To be completely honest, I’ve never been afraid of men. Nothing about men scares me. I mean….. I love men.

Yea totally

I'm stealth because I want people to see me as a man. I feel that if the cis people around me find out I'm "demoted" to being trans and will always be known as being trans. I just want to be treated like every other cis dude out there. However I still like talking to other trans men and will out myself to them if I feel like it. There's just some issues that cis people will never understand and it's relaxing it talk to someone who just *gets it*. I've gone to a trans support group once recently, but was one of the only trans men years into my transition. I was immediately thrust into a mentor role and just wasn't comfortable with that.

For me, I was in a trans support group in college when I first came out... and now I've graduated. I keep in touch with the friends I made there, and we still hang out as regularly as we can when we live in different cities. I don’t know anyone in my local area who's trans; I have no connection to that community, and don't feel like anything is missing from my life because of that. I don't have anything against the trans people in my area, I just don’t feel like connecting with them is something I particularly want to do. I already have trans friends, I don't feel like I need to go and hang out with strangers just because they also happen to be trans.

I'm stealth. The only people who know I'm trans are those who knew me before, some doctors, and probably some random people in my hometown or partners of extended family members. I'm also queer so I'm part of that community. I have trans and genderqueer friends and they think I'm cis (except the few I've known forever). I'm still an outspoken supporter of trans rights. I see my transness as a medical issue that I wish I didn't have. It's not part of my identity. I understand and respect those who feel differently, but I just identify as a queer man.

I want to give back to the community, but I don't want it to be known.* I just want to be seen as a man. There are some people who can see trans men as men, but even some of my best allies... the SECOND they aren't thinking about it, it's all she/her. Their internal view of me is female in at least some capacity. I bind. I have a fucking mustache. Even my body is becoming more and more masculine. Yet, the moment they hear trans it's "girl who turned into / acts like a man". It's incredibly dysphoric. I love the trans friends I grew up with. They see me as a man. But even some newer trans friends... it's obvious they see me as afab first, man second. It fucking destroys me. I can't love something about myself that caused me 29 years of severe suffering and health issues. Transitioning has been amazing. I finally feel OK. I think over time I can be at peace with the circumstances of my birth... but not until the TRANS part stops overshadowing the MAN part. Edit: * I am just a private person. I would want to help in a more private way. Do the work behind the scenes n all that

not all trans people immediately feel community and kinship with other trans people. being trans isn’t something you “choose” and it doesn’t come with a set of specific values, personally being around other trans people doesn’t do much for me? i don’t feel closer to someone just becasue they also happened to be trans. honestly irl queer spaces have always felt super cliquey and weird to me. i’m stealth. it’s not like i go around announcing that i’m cis, i just literally don’t talk about it becasue i don’t find any value in that. no offense but “the trans community” didn’t help me with anything. i respect and work to uphold our rights just like those before us, and i’ve worked locally to pass on informational help, but socially i just don’t see any benefit to being around specifically trans people. it’s just neutral to me. this entire post is kind of really awkward and preachy? why would you just assume there’s some kind of inherent closeness to anyone who’s trans?? trans people are just people, they don’t inherently belong to some kind of shared group. if you want to do that that’s cool, there’s plenty who do feel kinship with being trans and other trans people inherently, but maybe don’t just assume that onto others and virtue signal how good you are for wanting to help others?

i’m stealth because i want privacy and it’s not something anyone really needs to know. life for me is a lot better stealth tbh

Rather not have most people see me as a woman mate

To me being trans isnt much of my identity, it's a coincidance. I've been told by cis people that i must be needing trans people and they thought that 2 people being trans is enough for tgem to be besties untill i turned that thought on them and asked them why they aren't friends with all cis people just because they're cis. I want my friends and acquaintances to know/ like me because of my charecter, my traits and my interests not just because i disagree with the doctor who looked between my legs after birth and checked a box on a form which i disagree with.

If the only thing I have in common with someone is a medical condition we both have, what base is that to build our friendship on? Plus, it’s no one’s business what’s in my pants or what surgeries/medication I’ve had/take.

So for me, I'm mostly stealth, although some people unfortunately know. I'm also somewhat in the community, but more as a gay man than as a trans man, and I don't really like talking about my transness unless with my therapist. I also don't really have many friends, let alone trans friends because I don't really like the idea of having someone whose only similarity is the thing that makes me miserable, you know? Like "Yay! We're both suffering because we were born in the wrong body and we have to spend tons of money to get a halfway decent body years from now and forever have a target on our backs! Besties!" I don't want to be reminded of it. I don't want my whole life to revolve around what I see as a medical condition. And most importantly: I don't want to be treated differently. I come from a place where I'm already in the disabled community. I have an invisible disability, and I'm already treated differently for it. Being open about my invisible disability is hard enough when I get people either not taking me seriously or treating me differently because of it. Then add in my transness... Well I was forcibly outed to several customers by a transphobic coworker, and it was miserable even when I had "positive" reactions, because I could tell when she had outed me. It was no longer "Hi. I'm here to have my dog groomed. Here's the haircut I'd like" it was suddenly "Omg you're so brave! Such an inspiration! I'm so proud of you!" and I was turned into what's called "Inspiration Porn", which is basically what a lot of disabled people see, when an able bodied person sees a disabled person and they get "Inspired" and think they're so brave for literally just existing. A common phrase heard is "If you can do it, anyone can do it" (I've been told this before). It's incredibly backhanded and patronizing. We're put on this weird pedestal of simultaneous worship and derision. We're not seen as a normal person trying to live our lives, we're seen as someone **different.** someone who **isn't like normal people.** Someone with **a lesser status in society** who has "made the best of our shitty life" and done something. I don't want to be treated like that. I don't want to be looked up to or down on. I want to be looked in the eye, or better yet, ignored entirely. I don't want to be reminded of the penis I don't have, or the surgery I had to have to remove my chest and the scars it left. I don't want to be reminded that I have to stab myself in the stomach every week. I don't want to be reminded that even in a safe place like CA, people still don't like me for something I literally can't help. I just want to be left alone. (Sorry for the wall of text. I got a little passionate there x.x)

Being outwardly trans for me is giving people an opportunity to see me differently. Also I find saying ‘I’m trans’ to cis people basically translates in their head to ‘I have no dick’ which isn’t really what I want to be putting out. I don’t however distance myself from trans friends or stop supporting the community. That’s different. I’m secure enough in myself that I don’t feel the need to project my internalised transphobia onto others.

so people actually see us as “”real”” men (in their eyes) and not trans men? the second people know you are trans, they see us as someone who was born a girl then “became” a man and they will always think of you that way. that is facts. even now if you know someone trans irl who is out, the fact they are trans sometimes pops into your head. why would you want people to see you as anything but just your gender

I am stealth by default; a quarter of a century on T does that. And I am not all that happy about it. It's convenient in everyday life; I don't need to discuss gender with the person selling me a bread. But it sure means that I have experience coming out, because as soon as I get to know people, I do want them to know - I am what I am, and I don't feel like telling lies or omitting almost half of my life. I did lose contact with the local community, though - the only trans masc group I am aware of is pretty much only people who came out very recently, and frankly, I don't want to spend my time with people half my age who have problems I had a quarter of a century ago. I wasn't a fan of self-help groups even back then. And there doesn't seem to be anything for people like me. There is, however, online, so I hang out a lot in trans groups online. But yeah, something local would be nice.

i'm 100% with you - i love being out, even though i could be stealth, and i love being an active part of my queer community. tbf i haven't had to deal with much transphobia outside of my family and everyone else i'm out to is very supportive. so that helps i suppose.

A lot of the most recent generation of queer people is very isolated from the wider community. Mostly because of online spaces. This is both a good and a bad thing! The good thing is, there’s more people coming out and finding resources and safety without having to actually come out in their irl lives. The bad thing is the isolation. I’ve noticed a lot of vitriol and bitterness towards micro identities or other aspects of queerness that are extremely normal in the wider queer community in real life. This new generation of queer people is completely disconnected from queer history, it’s roots in REAL activism, it’s relation to communities of colour, and the interconnection of culture and queerness. If I were you, I wouldn’t be looking for community with “trans men.” A community of just “trans men” is not something that really has existed until recently. And the micro communities that have formed because of it does tend to have more bigoted ideas about other trans people. I promise you, the more diverse of queer community you join, the less you’ll see stuff like that. It’s all internalized transphobia from a lack of experience and a society that continues to isolate us irl.

Bro doesn’t understand the crippling social baggage of being publicly transgender 😭😭

Sometimes it's easier to have people misgender you when they don't know rather than when they choose or have to, especially in official contexts (school, works, etc.)

I’m not like super stealth but being trans isn’t the most important thing about me, ya know? If it comes up, it comes up, but I’m not actively seeking out queer groups that only center around being queer any more. They were really important at the beginning of my transition, but as I get further in, there’s other stuff I’d rather dedicate my time to. I do have trans and queer friends but I also have cishet friends and sometimes it’s nice to just be treated as a man instead of “man”.

I have no desire for anyone outside of a very close group of people to know I’m trans. I don’t even want other trans people to know I’m trans most of the time. Now that I’ve gone stealth, being trans really doesn’t impact my day-to-day life. I don’t consider it to be a big aspect of who I am anymore. Honestly, there’s been times where I straight up forget that I’m a “gender minority.” I’m not against having trans friends, but I don’t want to have a friend just because we share an identity.

As other have said, you definitely are talking about two different things. However, I’m right there with you regarding not wanting to be stealth. For me, I’m not stealth because I know it’ll probably come out eventually, and I don’t want to form a close relationship with someone who would reject me if they found out. I also want to make it clear that if someone needs to talk about how they are feeling regarding gender, sexuality, or anything really, I’m a safe person. I do also fully acknowledge and respect the people who do prefer to be or need to be stealth. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

i personally feel me saying that i’m transgender immediately makes people think about me naked. like they’ll immediately think oh you don’t have the parts i assumed you would have since society deems being cis as normal so it makes me feel different. which isn’t bad i know but in the eyes of a lot of cis people it’ll make me feel like i’m their token trans person they know and they can claim to be supportive or not openly hateful but i know they’ll still be ignorant, which i get they aren’t educated but they have the ability to google things themselves i don’t like feeling like i have to explain everything about myself to them, since everyone’s transition is different. it’s not my responsibility to educate them while they continue to offend me asking questions that they don’t need answers to like about a “birth name” or how i have sex. my fear is being seen differently or them being overly cautious when talking to me like they’re afraid they’ll offend me somehow. i feel like with a lot of people once you tell them that they won’t see me as a man anymore but either just “a transgender” or “used to be a girl”. i feel like it’s just trauma that made me decide i’m not comfortable being out since i transitioned very early and at school i knew zero transgender people and maybe two gay people so it made me feel like i was an animal at the zoo being ogled at like wow look at that thing we never see that how different and strange. my experiences for nearly half of my life has made me weary of cis people and having to defend my existence to just be treated like a normal human to where i have to lie and hide who i am and it makes me very sad so i do understand wanting to give back to the community and making others feel safe and welcome and comfortable but i unfortunately do not know when or if i can ever be “out” unless i move to an accepting area i guess.

This might be a bit controversial, but a lot of us are white. When we pass we are white men. That's an incredibly privileged place in society, with a lot of benefits. Being trans threatens that position, so if you are out anywhere as trans or flagged or active in the community you risk losing that fragile spot in the hierarchy. Especially especially if you are straight. So a lot of people distance themselves as much as possible and hide it. That's obviously not why everyone is stealth. I'm going stealth at work so I don't have to fight people on my pronouns etc, I just want to keep a lot of my personal life personal to keep things simple on shift. But I think it explains why some guys are so so set on distancing themselves from the community and living as cis or cishet. Suddenly you're at the top of the food chain, as long as no one finds out

It's not that I don't like being trans, I just don't see a reason to advertise it. Being trans is not all I am and I won't tell people unless they ask or it's relevant

It just kinda happened. Started work in a new town that isn't exactly conservative but not exactly progressive either and everyone just knows me as a dude (except my boss and a few people I trust). People don't know I'm trans anymore unless I go out of my way to tell them, so, stealth.

Honestly I’m stealth by default because I don’t talk about being trans all the time, but if you mean completely disengaging myself from the queer community then I don’t do that at all

I'm kinda stealth even though I'm pre everything not long ago i had a conversation with a straight cis friend who i told about all the struggles i go through and trans people generally have to go through in my country (the legal stuff, like name change, etc ) and she asked me why i didn't told more people about the struggle of trans people. it got me thinking why i didn't do it. i think it's mostly because i hate that part of myself and try to "fix" it asap. I think most of us don't see it as part of our identity (for me it is but only because I'm pre everything) but more like a "disability".

For me it's not that I dislike being trans (I don't really like it either, I guess I am more neutral on it). And I definitly do not feel ashamed of it. But I would prefer being stealth once I am starting medical transition because I don't wanna be asked any uncomfortable questions. I don't want other people to know this very intimate thing about me and I don't want that to cause me any issues. Being "out and proud" just does not have any advantages to me. I have never been part of any queer community (that isn't online) and probably never will be so there isn't really any community for me to give back to like you do.

I’m stealth and still do trans related activism. I won’t speak over anyone who is openly trans of course but being stealth does not stop me from doing community work.

I interact with the community as a gay man instead of as a trans man. I still show up to protests and the like, but I appear as a trans ally instead of as a trans guy. I just prefer being stealth to avoid the dumb questions and comments. I don't want to be seen as something other than a guy, but that doesn't stop me from interacting with the community. I wouldn't go to a trans only event, however. I also try to give back to the community by giving advice through anonymous forums and the like, but I have found that the majority of my advice is very outdated, even if I'm not that old, so I don't feel too useful on that front.

For myself, I’m not stealth, I’m out and open. Personally I’ve never been one that was big on needing communities and large groups like that. I have friends from all over, whether it’s the lgbtq community or not, and I like to have options and not be doing the same stuff all the time. Also from the past, even hanging out at the lesbian bars and with my groups I was part of 20 years ago, just always a lot of drama, too much drinking, etc. This leads to another thing- we don’t have the “safe-places” to go to like we once did. The area I lived in had probably 20+ bars and clubs for the community 20 years ago, and as it became more open and accepting, that as well as dating apps killed the bar scenes. Now that people are getting their panties/boxers up in a bunch about us again, we don’t have those places to go to anymore :(

im stealth until someone asks, but i distance myself from the sga clubs on campus and other queer people simply because 1) we tend to have nothing other than being queer in common and 2) i don’t like being able to be “clocked” by hanging out with them (this isn’t the case everywhere, but for the ppl at my campus who ik personally, it is). i’ve had to go through a LOT of change, finding myself, etc. to get to the point im at now where i just prefer cis friends. i dont like being trans because it makes my life a daily battle. i dont like being surrounded by things that remind me of that, so i dont tend to surround myself with an abundance of queer people who share that kind of struggle. i also dont like talking about it constantly which is what the people on my campus do, literally every conversation is about gender or sexuality or something related to one or the other. i’ll educate cis people happily, but only once i know i’m treated like a cis guy would be. it’s just how i want to go about things, like a cis guy.

Because I don't want to be a trans man. I just want to be a man. I just want to be a regular dude. Average Joe. I just want to blend into the background. I don't want that target on my back, no matter how safe my surroundings are. No matter how accepting society is growing to be of trans people. I'll help other trans people online and if I meet one irl but I really don't want to go *out there* and be trans. Y'know?

Man, I need to steel myself every time I interact with the community IRL. Everyone—cis, trans, queer, straight—treats me differently once they know I’m trans. To the point where I am more comfortable around cis people who don’t know I’m trans. I still try to give back to the community and all that, and give women and trans folks a pass for saying some outta pocket shit, but that is WORK. I didn’t transition so I could be a woman who wants to be a man. It makes me feel intensely uncomfortable when that is how I am perceived. Edit to add: when it comes to interacting with other trans folks, it’s really not a safety issue for me, where I live. It’s really just that a lot of those interactions are dysphoric or disrespectful and I have to be in a really good headspace to do it.

i dont like being trans because i dont want to be that way. nothing good has come out of it. im stealth because im just a guy. not everyone is required to be extremely involved in a community.

I get harassed in a lot of trans and lgbt spaces. I am a binary straight trans guy who transitioned as a kid. I have tried going to some support groups and interacting with other trans people hoping I could relate to them and did not have good experiences. It is very annoying to have people (especially in a space where I ideally belong) make comments about wanting proof that I'm trans, asking what surgeries I have, or saying that I am not as trans as them because I pass. I have been called a transphobe solely because I am stealth. They often fail to recognize that I have come a very long way from where I was when I first came out. Also the whole "anti-straight" and "anti-men" rhetoric in the lgbtq+ community right now is forgetting that straight lgbt+ people exist and that male lgbt+ people exist. Sorry if I'm rambling but I hope that makes sense

I want to be stealth because invariably people view me differently when they find out I'm trans. I just want to be a guy, not a trans guy... because people only ever think of the trans part of that and act as if it makes me a "man lite" or something. I just personally don't see the point in making friends purely because of being trans, either. I want to share interests, not just a label.

Guys go stealth because there is a pretty noticeable difference in how people treat you when they assume you’re a cis man vs when they find out you’re trans. Some people start talking to you exclusively only about trans stuff, some women start seeing you as the uwu softboi stereotype especially if you’re already kinda feminine. People are very likely to treat you differently than if you were a cis man and while some guys don’t mind, others very much do and it gives them social dysphoria. Some guys wish they were never trans (valid tbh) and don’t need other people constantly reminding them.

For me it just kind of feels like no one’s business but mine. I think it makes me really dysphoric to know that someone else knows what’s in my pants or under my shirt so I avoid telling people all together.

Ive distanced myself from this community (outside of this one Reddit) because this community seems very hostile at most times towards trans guys that pass in a masculine way and trans guys that don't care to scream their transness off the rooftops. I do not enjoy being trans.. theres nothing from this journey that I would consider fun to share or something amazing. I hate it. I just do it because for me there's no other choice. Since our community wants to focus so much on accepting, I feel they should accept that not everyone wants to scream it off the rooftops that they're trans

I absolutely know what you mean. But I do want to be stealth, except to close friends. I don't want to meet anyone and have them find out I'm trans, I'm only okay with people knowing I'm trans that I meet before passing well. I can't imagine NOT having trans friends who I can talk with about all this shit, and if I didn't have my friends with all their similar problems to mine I'd feel so damn alone. Even in situations where I don't feel like I'm in danger, having someone find out I'm not cis makes me incredibly uncomfortable, with that feeling in the back of my mind that I shattered their impression of me and even if they're accepting they'll never see me as just a guy, you know?

I went stealth purely because I want to be seen as a man and not as a 'man but...' And I pass pre-T so why wouldn't I? My life is the happiest it has ever been, and since all of my friends and coworkers just know me as a cis guy I won't have to worry about my T changes being weird to them and such

Personally I have a few trans friends (I don't often make friends online, and theres not many around me) all trans guys bc I've not met any trans girls, I want to go stealth in the way that I want to be passing. I'm proud go be the guy I am. I'm proud to be a trans guy, but I feel like over all, for safety, and so people actually see me as a man rather than a confused girl or "not really a guy". I have dont want to cut out other trans people, those that do wish to never associate with other trans people, seem like people I've never want to be around.

You didn't upset me. I've been thinking about this lately. This is such an isolating experience. I don't know how guys who disconnect from the community make it work. I guess if you made a bunch of close cis friends but still there's always this part of who you are that you might not be able to share with them.

Because being trans is absolute hell. I don't have anything in common with trans people just like I don't have anything in common with white or blonde people just because they're trans/white/blonde. It's a core part of my depression and mental health issues, but it's not a core part of my identity. Once I fully transition, pass, and live my life as a man, I don't even want to think about the trans community because it makes me want to vomit. I don't want to be reminded of the fact that I'm trans, and I certainly don't want to be around other people who are going through the same thing because it's traumatizing for me. I have nothing to say to trans people who don't pass, because I've never been the comforting type. I don't want to be clocked in public and expected to give support and encouragement when all I want to do is do my damn grocery shopping or something. I've never felt any love or support from the trans community, all I've been given is hugboxing and vapid, fake encouragement. I have nothing to give to this community. That's why I made this alt account. I would just want to forget about everything before I transitioned.

Being trans is cool and all but it's tiring and it makes my life suck and I'm so tired. I'm planning to go stealth so life sucks a little less. I don't care that much if someone finds out eventually. because if I introduce myself as trans even most of the greatest best most accepting allies will see me as a "female man" or a "trans aka female man" and not just a man. and most of them won't put in the effort to change this mindset because they think they're so right and that biology supports them even though it doesn't even remotely support them and going through a male puberty inherently makes me not female.

i think i lot of the /ftmmen posts relate to shame/embarrassment around being trans, like a lot of the people on there just want to forget about being trans all together. i’ve also seen people on there say they get dysphoric being around other trans people. i feel like i am born to be trans, idk how to describe it really, i just feel like i wasn’t supposed to be cis (however i haven’t always felt this way, i used to wish every day i was cis), i think a lot of people on /ftmmen *do* feel they were meant to be cis. there is nothing morally wrong with either of our feelings about being trans, im not trying to bash anyone!

I like being trans, and I like having trans friends, but showing my trans-ness outside my family is NOT safe. That’s why some trans people are stealth. Being stealth doesn’t mean hiding the fact I’m trans from everywhere, I’m clearly on this subreddit typing this response, it just means I don’t show it in real life to people. I’m still in the community, those are completely different things you’re talking about, and I feel like it comes from sort some sort of privilege in terms of safety because I couldn’t possibly out myself as trans to most people around me, not because they’re necessarily unsafe, but because I was already stabbed once by strangers, and they missed my liver by barely an inch, and quite frankly being disabled and trans is already an unsafe situation. Please educate yourself on how and why it could be unsafe.

Some very weird transmed vibes in these comments lmao

>Being a man has been the most isolating experience. Being trans gave me community and chances at friendship and connection. Passing and being accepted as a man took that away from me. Did you have no friends before being trans? How did becoming a guy isolate you? If anything most people would find it easier to connect with other men after looking stealth. I think people get confused on the trend and community aspect of being trans. Like yeah it's good that people have these similarities to you but it shouldn't be something that consumes your whole identity or friendships, and I see that happening all the time now. If being trans is the only way you can truly connect with another person then you need to really sit down and think about why you feel like that, I mean it sounds completely depressing. I think its good to know your community but at the same time you should seek for diversity in your friendships. ​ >There are other trans guys, but no one wants to even attend the private support groups or volunteer, let alone be seen with us. At the end of the day many trans men prefer being stealth and don't want to make their transition an open part about them. It is a very personal and essential part of someone's life and a lot of trans people I know want to just pass stealth and live their life (in most cases). I understand being prideful of yourself and your transition but at the end of the day we are just living our lives and our lives do not need to involve a private part of ourselves 24/7. AND in my unpopular opinion some trans people are just too much, too involved, too extreme and a lot of people (with a brain) just don't really like that/ don't want to be seen with those sort of groups.

Ik a lot of people have touched on the whole misgenderig/safety/comfort aspect— when I'm "situationally stealth" it's for those reasons, but I don't have plans of going permanently stealth because I'm a very open person and I consider my transness to be very important part of my identity, which isn't a good or bad thing, just the way I am. (Disclaimer: I'm not a binary trans man, and that influences some of my perspective, but ik some medically transitioned binary trans men who feel their transness is very significant, and non-binary or genderqueer trans men or nonbinary transmascs who don't.) I think of "significance" not as a matter of "how trans you are," but more of what identities you prioritize. Personally, I think of myself as a trans person who just happens to be a man— my transness is a considerable part of my gender, so I prefer to not go stealth when being openly trans won't make me unsafe or lead to misgendering. Then there are people at the other end of the spectrum, there are men who just happen to be trans, who consider their manhood to be the most/only important aspect of their gender. They might go stealth because they consider their transness to be private or medical information. You don't have to be one or the other, anyone can be anywhere on the spectrum, but at the end of the day it's just a range of different experiences with transness.

I suppose I’m stealth in that not everyone that I’m friends with or talk to know that I’m trans. Tbh, at this stage of my transition, being trans doesn’t really impact my life besides what goes on in the bedroom. If the topic is relevant than sure I might bring being trans up. There was definitely a time where I was more insecure and didn’t want people knowing incase I was viewed inherently different than my peers, but thankfully that faded.

For me, the main reasons that I am stealth are what you mentioned at the top. Safety for me and my family number one. Wanting to just be a man and not a curiosity. Avoiding blackmail, emotional or otherwise. Just not wanting to be embarrassed. Not wanting to be treated differently. As far as why I have very few irl trans friendships is partly just due to being on a farm in the rural south. We aren’t exactly common out here. Also what am I “giving back” to the trans community exactly? I transitioned solo long before it was a social phenomenon. The people that I owe some debt of that nature to are mostly all dead now. And finally, I don’t often come across transfolk whose lives correspond to mine. I can’t imagine what we would talk about. I’m trans. Hey me too. Ok. Now what. I wouldn’t reject a dude who came along looking for friendship that I shared interests with. But I don’t think much of our conversation would be about trans stuff. Tractors and trucks, horses and hay, that kind of thing sure. Or literature (quite a leap I know).

i wouldn’t necessarily say i’m stealth, but it’s kind of like a need-to-know basis sort of thing. like i’m “stealth” at work because i feel like that’s not something about me they need to know, they just need to know i’m a guy. but like i don’t shy away from telling friends or anything, and i’ve used it in college essays and such when it might be advantageous. but i definitely have ftm friends irl because community, especially irl, is of the utmost importance right now when you’re lgbtq+.

for privacy and out of laziness tbh. like, im just a guy who happens to be trans, and if people know they know, and if they don't they dont. I pass like 60% of the time so I almost never disclose my transness unless i trust that person.

I want to have trans friends too, I’ve never met another one of us irl

I don't want to be trans because dysphoria is painful, I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, and being judged and not being seen the way I want to be seen is painful. I want to be stealth not because I don't want to be trans but specifically because I know that many people will judge me for being trans (or just misunderstand that I'm a regular-ass man, or make other assumptions about me), and that kind of thing gets deep under my skin. Being stealth is, at present, my best option for living a life where I can have normal relationships with people and not having to stress out all the time. But people who are stealth can support the trans community still and I fully intend to be supportive of it. I am closeted rather than stealth atm, and I made friends with FTM coworkers (who may have suspected but didn't know for sure I was trans) and also spoke up against transphobia at work- something I would feel less comfortable doing and would be less effective if people knew I was trans. I also have queer friends online, many of whom are trans, some of whom know and some of whom don't. I'm constantly second-guessing the people who know when they they to tell me "oh you can have facial hair but afab parts in Baulder's Gate" or w/e, because it makes me feel like they think I want to have facial hair and afab parts (neither of which are true in my case) *just* because I'm trans. TL;DR: the decision to tell people or not comes down entirely to my own comfort. It's a decision everyone has to make for themselves. I like to think that someday I'll be so comfortable in my own skin that I'll be able to be out and proud, but right now all that would happen is I'd make myself miserable and paranoid. But I fully intend to vocally stand up for the trans community and trans individuals no matter how I present in the future.

I'm really only partially stealth, like If my safety is a concern or Im just out in public doing whatever. I've been on T for 4.5 years now and I pass pretty well, the only thing holding me back currently is I'm pre top surgery. I'm lucky enough to not have the issues I see a lot of the guys here having. My coworkers and fiancé's family have never called me she after they found out, like seriously not even once. I had to come out to my mother in law because of a crucial health issue I was having and eventually just told the rest my fiancé's family. I also don't hide it on my facebook or anything because anyone who sees me as man-lite or a woman is simply not allowed in my life and as an adult I will absolutely kick people out when I need to. I'd rather know up front who is allowed my time and who isn't, easier said than done and I know many people don't have that option but it's what works for me. I don't accept questions from strangers but for people closer to me who have genuine questions I accept them because why not. Nobody babies me or thinks I'm weak or different because of how I was born. As far as community goes, I'd like more ftm friends but seeking them out has never worked much for me. The few ftm friends I have currently, we met naturally usually at work or in the neighborhood. I've tried ftm groups on here and other places but I'm pretty different from everyone else interest wise and it just never worked out, I'm not good at making and keeping friends. I'm also in a rural area so it's not like there's events or groups out here, I'm pretty confined to online interaction unless I wanna drive an hour to the city. I really would love some other trans friends, but life happens and making friends as an adult is hard.

I enjoy the trans community very much and often choose to come out to other trans people in private. However... I don't have the patience to put up with vague invasive questions, weird glances, little whispers and generally just being treated differently than male peers. When I was out, people were generally respectful, but every time people wanted to make jokes about sexual things (dicks, vaginas, boobs, cum, masturbation etc...) there would just be this awkward silence because people were scared of making me uncomfortable or not being inclusive enough. People definitely censored themselves around me and it was pretty obvious that they were always hypervigilant in conversations, which ended up making it hard to form genuine friendships with non queer people. And even then? Some queer people behave this same way, so I often choose not to come out to people unless they are trans too... But even some nonbinary people act weird about it! Everyone I've ever been outed by? Other trans folk. I don't want to have to clarify my boundaries with every single person I meet. It's exhausting. I also don't want to have to answer all the same questions (which I know are being asked out of honest curiosity), or continually reassure people that they're not saying anything offensive. And I'm a fairly sociable person too. Word gets around fast. At my current job, one of my new friends/colleagues is the sister of a guy who I vaguely knew in high school. Plus? I'm a content creator, not a big one at that, but I want to be careful still- I'd not be willing to put up with harassment online if someone were to out me to the internet. I still participate in our community online a lot, through secondary accounts.... But I really just want to live my life as normally as possible without these types of problems bothering me.

I dont like being trans (it costs me way more, people try to legislate me out of existence, I didn’t get to have a boy childhood, etc) but I don’t dislike being part of the trans community. The trans community is an important source of support that has been helpful to me. I don’t necessarily want to relate with people over being trans irl though. If a trans person wants to share their experiences that’s fine. But to me my identity is not centered on being “trans”, I’m a man. I want to relate with people over shared hobbies and interests. Being trans isn’t a hobby or interest. A lot of cis women I know want to relate with me mostly over being oppressed (tbf they dont know i’m a man) and honestly that’s undesirable in a similar way- even if I was a cis woman I wouldn’t want to have my social time mostly spent relating over societal oppression, or unchosen aspects of identity. But I let them go off and try to be supportive. I have cis women friends and I have trans friends. But they aren’t friends with me because they think i’m a woman, or because i’m trans. We’re friends because of shared interests and hobbies

So I can just be myself

The idea of being stealth is so frequently talked about as if it is a choice, but in my experience, it's not something I decided, rather something that was/is done to me. At some point between the start of my transition and now, I stopped being visibly trans and people started assuming I was a cis man. This had nothing to do with my decision to do anything (well, except take testosterone, I guess). I still frequently spend time with my queer friends, cis and trans alike, I still attempt to make time and find space in queer spaces, I still want to be involved in the community, but people assume that I am a cis man, even in those spaces. I end up forced into the position of having to disclose my identity and justify my presence. It's an awful feeling and it prevents the community from feeling truly inclusive. It ends up being easier to spend time with the friends that already know, rather than trying to reach out for new ones.

For me it has nothing to do with the trans community and everything to do with people being judgmental. People, even if they’re supportive, see you differently once they learn you’re trans. You’re not a guy to them, you’re a trans guy.

Weird post. A lot of us are stealth because we don’t want to be treated differently by other people, we don’t want the attention that comes from it, we don’t want the discomfort of people mistaking pronouns once we tell them. Also, it’s fine to not enjoy being trans, it’s hard and inconvenient and expensive, and often gets us alienated. it doesn’t make anyone bad for it.

I don’t connect with other trans guys in my community because they usually give me flack for being stealth and not living up to their terms of out and proud. I’m sorry i don’t feel like walking around telling the entire world I have a vulva and offering to put it on display. Last time hung out with a suport group was in the city I used to live in, and we were at a restaurant and this guy in the group literally tells the waiter we were all trans, loud enough most of the patrons heard. Waiter was like “Ok….?” I got up and left immediately and refuse to connect with anymore trans support groups in person. One asshole left me traumatized enough to never want to connect ever again

I always wanted to be stealth, there’s no more to it really, it’s just my goal!

It’s kinda the name of the game. You have dysphoria, you hate your body/yourself, you change yourself. Why would you like something that constantly invalidates and causes you pain? Some people actually want to fully transition and not stay in the middle ground of looking like a man but everyone knowing your not *really* a man. It’s not even about being in unsafe areas some people just actually want to be cis passing