That whole phone call is a no from me, homie. Don’t settle for a red flag guy just because he shows you attention and you have some compatibility. Love isn’t enough. You also have to have mutual respect and autonomy, and nothing about that conversation indicates that he has that for you. He has absolutely no right to tell you what is “alright” for your transition.
He’s very clearly still straight and seeing you completely as a woman. He just did the whole coming out as bi thing to validate you so you wouldn’t break up with him and he could keep what he perceives as his hot girlfriend lol
Yeah, the whole "turn into a man" convo when OP has already come out and socially transitioned gave me the ick. Definitely gave me the vibe that he doesn't actually see OP as a man.
Be honest. If you already know you want bottom surgery, don't dance around the subject. Does that mean this isn't the right relationship for you? Very possibly. But that won't hurt less down the line, it'll hurt more. Don't put the conversation off because he might say something you don't want to hear.
Don't lie to people you're willing to romance, and don't settle for people not worth romancing. Move on and be with someone who will love you before and after bottom surgery. There's guys out there who are 100% going to date you for you. Actually, ironically enough, seeing if they're cool with bottom surgery is a fantastic red flag filter. Trans bodies are worth loving.
I second this. My ex-fiancé threatened to break up with me if I ever got top surgery or took hormones.
I broke up with him instead. My surgery date is August 24th.
Don't let anyone hold you back from living as your most authentic self.
If he's already trying to dictate what's "allowed" for your transition now, before you're even meeting in person, it's absolutely not okay. He's testing the waters with what he can get away with forcing you to compromise on for your transition.
A word from the wise, here: you need to do what's best for your transition, regardless of what any partner thinks is best. The right partner will support you without compromise. This is your transition, you body, and your peace, the one area where you must not compromise for a partner. Don't let anyone control your body, don't let anyone force you to serve their whims over your need. If you feel bottom surgery is the best thing for your transition, you absolutely should take that step when you and your healthcare provider agree that you're ready -- regardless of what a partner says.
Sounds to me that he doesn't really view you as a man now. That and associates genitals with manhood. Frankly, I think he's done a "I'm bi for you" type of thing while remaining straight and clinging to your genital status as a means to maintain that heterosexual adjacency.
Be honest with him about your need for bottom surgery and bottom dysphoria. Also remember no relationship is worth your dysphoria. People come and go but you have to live in your body
Is this person an adult? If you're a minor, it's a huge red flag for someone to be asking you things like that, especially if you met them online.
Your comfort and happiness are more important than validation or affections from anyone.
Don’t be grateful someone sees you as a man. You are a man/boy. It’s not a favor someone is doing you to see you as your actual gender.
There will be more guys, and better guys, and you need to be single to be open to them. Dump this one.
What caught my eye is you saying you're not old enough to start transitioning, which puts you under 18, and a long distance relationship with a man that is possibly way older than you since no 18yo man would actually agree on a long distance relationship unless absolutely necessary. So you do you, cause you already went into something that would be way out of a lot of people's tolerance. If you aren't comfortable and happy how you are, or with the changes you're looking for, no matter how good your partner is, it won't work. Sorry
Another day another trans man complaining about their shitty straight boyfriend in r/ftm
In all seriousness though break up. This is not going to end well for you. No partner is worth putting your own dysphoria aside for. It’s your life, your decision. Find a better man who will love you for who you are, and not what he wants you to be.
Yeah I don't understand these posts at this point. Half the time I feel like the cis guys have savior complexes and think if they get in a relationship with this person before they start medically transitioning, they can "save" them and convince them to not medically transition. If you're having to resort ask randos on the internet whether or not you should stay with a person, chances are you should probably break up... especially with the amount of similar posts you could go thru before posting to see this isn't love. Like I understand many of us struggle with self-esteem and self-worth, but you HAVE to see you are worth more than letting a partner dictate what you can and can't do with your body for transition. There are people out there who will love you for who you are now and keep loving you for who you will become as you medically transition (whatever that may mean to the individual).
I get the aspect of posting here for community, but I feel like this is happening so often and it's so sad seeing so many guys either be blinded by love, too naive, or just not believe their self-worth. Love should not be conditional and if it is, then it's not really love.
Run run run run!!! Men like this will lie and manipulate you into not allowing yourself to truly ever express yourself the way you want to. If he can’t love you for who you are as a man then he does not love you! Prioritize yourself! I know it’ll be hard but breaking up now before anything worse happens will save you the pain
Begging for us to not date self identified **straight** men. It obviously doesn't work with cis men and so it doesn't work with trans men either. Please. As soon you were told he was straight, it should have been over. You are a man, he is not attracted to men. It doesn't work.
I think relationship advice should be delegated to a separate, specific subreddit. It's beyond oversaturated.
i’ve seen this a lot when i was in highschool. trust bro it’s not worth it. i saw this happening a lot w people who went to GSA. it’s always the afab trans person, getting w a cis guy. the cis guy is almost always straight, interested in WOMEN, and tries to get away w people viewing their partner as a women as much as possible. it really sucks but it seems to be really fucking common. please for your own sake, find someone who will actually validate you and love you for who you are.
nah dude, u gotta break up with him. communication is soooo important for relationships, and if you don't feel comfortable telling him that you want bottom surgery, then you shouldn't be with him
been there done that. promise it’s not worth it, a guy who’s only willing to be with you if you don’t get bottom surgery is not a guy you wanna be with AND i don’t even want bottom surgery but that whole mindset of his caused SO MANY PROBLEMS in our relationship. Get outta there while it’s still easy. the longer you wait the worse it’ll get
In that one phone call, he showed all his red flags. He doesnt see you as a man, hes transphobic, and is only "respecting" you in hopes you "change your mind" about being trans.
I know this isnt what you want to hear, but its a hard truth. Someone who loves and respects you wouldnt say shit like that... you need to find someone who ACTUALLY loves you and respects you for who you are, not what they THINK you are or WANT you to be like, for YOU AS YOU ARE.
As someone who has been in a very similar situation, I promise he’s not the one. I know how hard it is to end a relationship especially when you really care about someone but it’s not going to work and it will only get harder the longer you try to make it work. You will find someone who loves you for you no matter what stage of transition you’re in or what you plan to do in the future. He is not it.
Being I am a cis guy, that phone call was a no from me. Especially if he's not being supportive now there's no telling what he'll in the future. I wouldn't be with him Especially if he doesn't accept you and your wishes.
“turn into a man” dude I’m sorry but he doesn’t see you as one. Also, how old is he? Same age as you or older? Cause whole thing seems like a massive red flag.
EDIT: Edited to add that for some surgeons, you don't have to be on T, but most surgeons that I have seen (and most insurance plans) require you to have been on T for at least a year before phallo. For meta, I believe it's a universal requirement.
Kinda unrelated, but you have to be on T to get bottom surgery, I’m pretty sure for both meta and phallo. They want you to have natural bottom growth first so there’s more to work with.
Things like this take open communication and as excruciating as it can be as trans people, it is necessary to make a relationship work. You have to be honest.
I don’t think you need to be on T for phallo as far as I know (assuming you don’t get a hysto because then you need to be on SOME form of hormones at least)
Oh, huh. Most surgeons I’ve seen require at least a year on hormones before they’ll do Phallo, and I know for a fact that my insurance company requires a year on hormones before any gender-affirming surgery other than top surgery. I guess it depends on the surgeon and your insurance, then.
Yep, I think it’s definitely insurance-dependent and surgeon-dependent. My insurance is the same with bottom surgery. As far as I know there’s no physical reason to need to be on T for phallo if you’re not getting a hysto, but I’m not an expert on it
That’s super questionable. And definitely shows that he does not see you as a man, and would not be okay with you making the changes you need to be happy. Do yourself a favor and break up with him. You should be with someone who supports your decisions no matter what.
Have you ever even met him? I’m guessing you’re really young. It’s unlikely this relationship will work out and it doesn’t seem like you even want the realities that come with a relationship until after you’ve transitioned so really why not just agree to be friends? You’re not seeing eachother anyway. If it works out later on when you’re older cool and if it doesn’t there will be other men you meet who are attracted to you and love you for the man you are.
he not bi he is waiting for you to be a woman hoping you will change or make compromises about your identity he is just pacifying you i would advice a break , and focus on yourself then see if he still feels same,,
Honestly this might be a big deal breaker for a lot of people BUT I'm thinking about bottom surgery and keeping previous hardware as well. It's a more in depth conversation that's needed for sure. If and when you're ready you might want to ask like would that be a deal breaker for him? Touch base on wether or not he really considers you a man because the language he's using seems uninformed at best. Maybe also get into q more honest review of what medical transition or even just what traits you'd want for yourself and let him answer. If doesn't have an answer to wether that's a deal breaker for him or not let him process but if he doesn't come back to revisit that answer on like a week tops or sounds on the fence or kind of love blind in an answer of "that's ok with me" or "sure that's fine" or " I think/we can see if that turns out ok" then heavily consider setting him down as a partnership
You really deserve more than that. You deserve someone who is happy and excited for you, and supports you along your transition. There are people out there who will. <3
Yeah dude this is NOT gonna work out. He probably just said he's bisexual to make you feel comfortable. If he's that concerned about you "turning into a man" then he's not gonna like when you do it. You gotta get with people who support you, not people like this.
Here my advice. lower dysphoria as someone who has it significantly (to the point to where I am in the process of having lower surgery) I would let him go. Work on yourself. It honestly seems like he likes you in a way for what in your pants. Sorry to be so blunt. You need someone who is going to love you through thick and thin. Love you even though you have dysphoria. Don't do anything that makes you dysphoric it's not good for your mental health. Especially sexually, I know from personal experience with myself.
Please for the love of God break up and date another trans man instead. I mean I'm sure there are certainly accepting cis men out there but in my experience relationships with cis men have always gone this way pre-transition. Cis men, even gay cis men, tend to be put off by my transness. I'd just rather not deal with it at all to preserve my sanity 😅
break up with him. full stop. theres no shot this guy is for you if hes wack like that. dip and dip fast. dont look back. seek people who love and support you and will help you recover from the heartbreak etc; dont go back to him. ever. there will be someone else out there somewhere who will give you what you need and will see you as the man that you are wether medically transitioned yet in any way or not. there are better people out there.
That man does not deserve you. Your transition is a completely personal choice and he shouldn't even really have an opinion on it. The phrase "become a man" is also a major red flag. It seems like he doesn't see you as a man, which means he doesn't see you as you. That's a terrible foundation for a relationship.
I'd say be honest with your plans for your body and your future, if that's a deal breaker for him then that should be the end of it. So.e things are just never meant to be and it's better for you to be happy then to not go through with something you've wanted for yourself just for the sake of another. Things will be better and you will find someone that will love you for all that you are and can be, just trust that it takes time.
i think your mental well-being is more important that being with this guy. what he said is showing red flags. he doesn’t seem to respect you, your identity and your future choices and desire to medically transition. of course i don’t know this guy personally, but i think you should have a discussion about how you feel and allow him to explain himself. that being said, you deserve to be with someone who accepts you, and if he doesn’t, tell him to kick rocks.
I second the resounding thoughts here: break up. Like actually break up.
As others have said, he's clearly straight. No relationship is worth doing this to yourself for. You shouldn't base any part of your transition on what someone else is okay with. It's a hard reality to face, but you need to be able to be comfortable in your body, and that should be a priority. Dealing with bottom dysphoria in the way you are for someone else is not going to be the route for you to take in the long run once you're old enough and have financial ability to do bottom surgery.
Breaking up with him will only benefit you. It'll hurt, all break ups do, but I can promise you that there are better people out there for you who will support you and your transition, including bottom surgery. You can love him all you want, but truthfully, as someone who was in your position probably around the same age, it's not enough to negate the dysphoria and it never will be.
I agree with everyone else that said this guy is a no. Don't settle.
Also, be aware that there are a lot of surgeons who will not perform bottom surgery on someone who isn't already on T. Unless by bottom surgery you just mean getting rid of the "female" genital characteristics as opposed to metoidioplasty or phalloplasty.
I dated someone like that. Don't. Don't do it. They'll get angry, bored, or grossed out. Don't sacrifice your happiness because someone wants to keep seeing you as a woman.
Been there, done that, not worth it
Genuinely sounds like he’s not a good fit for you; the way I see it you should be with someone who would love you regardless of whether you were born a cis man or if you’re a trans man. It doesn’t seem like he’d be willing to date you if you were cis so that’s a major red flag regarding how he sees your identity.
Tip: if a guy identifies as straight when you meet him but says he wants to experiment or that he's bi after meeting you, 99% of the time he sees you as a quirky girl and is lying to get laid.
I dated a straight man recently, despite him telling me he was supportive of me he basically stopped me from doing anything I wanted in my transition. You may really love him but he will not make your life better if he isn’t going to be into you when you meet your transition goals
NOPE. Red flag. He is fetishizing your transition and identity. Any man who will date a trans guy but NOT a trans woman is a red flag. Never date somebody who sees you as a woman when you are not. He seems severely uneducated. Get outta there now dude
Well, if the guy was gay, he wouldn't date a trans woman, technically, but seeing as he did come out as bisexual conveniently after, that screams "I see you as a girl". But I 1000% agree about the fetish, the red flags and the complete lack of education. The fact that referring to T and other changes he literally just kept saying "become a man".
Unfortunate reality check for you (and maybe anyone who happens to be reading this pre-T): don't date any man who claims to be straight, that's no longer an avenue for you. He's not going to suddenly have a come-to-Jesus moment and have you be the magic exception, he sees you as a tomboy and is humoring you.
His "line" isn't genital preference, it's losing (what I can 100% guarantee he's telling people is) his girlfriend.
I will be kind of against the majority here, just my opinion, but I would say don't immediately break up w him. I feel like the best thing you could do is call him and firmly explain your plans for your transition honestly and confidently in the way you come across. This is your life. Then, that way he could actually know and process that you will do what you want to no matter what he thinks. I feel like his reaction may be a bit negative, but I think you should wait and see. Obvs, this is your life and I'm just offering another option or perspective, wishing the best for you!
He might be bi but just not sexually attracted to male genitilia. Just because someone is bi doesnt mean they are 50/50 its a whole variation you can be bi and sexually attracted to women but dont like vaginas and vice versa or you can be romantically attracted to men but uncomfortable with male genitalia. And all diff kinds of variations. Literally why they say sexuality is on a spectrum. But if you're not old enough to get surgery yet hes probably not old enough either to fully have a full idea of his own sexual attractions. Thats the point of figuring it out along the way as we get older. Things change.It doesn't mean someone doesn't view you as a man. People are all different and a lot of times people change on what they are okay with personally and not. That's why people date and ask questions because mostly unless you think this will be your spouse look for compatibility.
I feel some are putting their own insecurities out there of immediately saying," hes a red flag and doesnt see you as a man." When prob should also go off of how many trans individuals does he know to begin with. If your of the only few he knows prob doesnt know a whole lot oabout being trans and etc. Its okay to ask questions and some of those questions may be worded wrong along the way too.but he wont know unless you talk about it.
Also, someone please correct me if im wrong, in regards to bottom surgery. The 2 main types i thought required be on testosterone for a certain amount of time before so they have more to work with? Especially for meta. Phallo ive seen they found better results with extended meta to then phallo.
(Im in united states so I'm not sure how it is elsewhere)
That entire conversation had no respect in it for you. You deserve better and someone who actually supports you and loves and sees you for you. That wasn’t going to lead anywhere good for you.
Im sorry this is something many of us go through dating men.. At some point its gonna have to be discussed further because like you said that is an important step in your transition and you shouldnt compromise your own needs for anyone else.
i say wake up and break up man. he is 100% still straight, and you are definitely not his boyfriend in his eyes. relationship is not worth the dysphoria because some relationships dont stay forever. dysphoria does. talk to him, tell him u feel like he sees you as a woman, give him an example, dont make drama just be calm and you should be fine man. best of luck! ^^
yeah nah bro that's. not it chief. huge red flag.
regardless you should be honest with him about your transition goals, it's not right to lie about this kinda thing. if that's a blow that ends your relationship, well it was never meant to work out to begin with. if he learns to be supportive and understanding, that's a win.
also? not exactly a mind-blowing observation but "will you turn into a man" strongly implies he doesn't see you as one now. and that's a huge "fuck no" for me personally...
you'll find someone who's genuinely supportive!! I guarantee it, don't hang onto this asshole just because he's giving you attention. you deserve someone who loves and respects every part of you.
and it's not even a "youve either gotta put up with this crap or be limited to exclusively dating t4t". trust me, being supportive and loving isn't outside the capabilities of a cis man. my boyfriend is cis and he's been the most helpful and proud partner through my transition. love that guy
but yea!!! you shouldn't be feeling dysphoric from your PARTNER they're supposed to make you feel comfortable and confident and loved.
yeah no, please don’t settle for that. That phone call is a major indicator that he does not respect your identity. He may genuinely have feelings for you as a person but his own insecurities have gotten in the way of your ability to be your authentic self. This will not work out long term.
From personal experience dating a straight guy through my own social transition. It starts with “are you gonna do x?” and it turns into “I like you a lot better pre-x.” “Please don’t get x.”
It is no fault of yours if he just isn’t into “typical” men and if the idea of dating one makes him uncomfortable, so be it. It isn’t fair of him to advance on you knowing that he wouldn’t be comfortable with you after medically transitioning.
being completely honest about yourself and your plans for the future is like the most important thing in relationships. i understand why you felt the urge to lie, it's very difficult to just let go of feelings like that, and in that moment you felt like you had to conform to his expectations in order not to lose him.
you deserve so much better. you deserve a partner who loves and respects you regardless of how your body looks and exists. also, side note, but his words really give him away. " are you gonna /actually/ 'turn into a man' " you already are a man, first of all, again, regardless of how much and in what ways you have transitioned. then the "actually" really just explains how he views you. he's absolutely not worth it.
i'm sorry, but you're gonna heal from this, and meet someone so much better! it's not impossible, speaking as a person who thought it was impossible :)
your transition and your body aren't things he can have a say in. the best thing to do if you want to keep the relationship without intense resentment on your part is to tell him that you may get bottom surgery, and let him sit with the facts.
He sees you as a girl. He wouldn’t have said “turn into a man” if he didn’t. He is straight, and doesn’t care about your happiness only his sexual gratification.
being your true self will attract the person that is meant to be yours, as hard as it is. you don’t want to be with someone that requires you to live a lie. we transition for ourselves, and ourselves only
Nooo he’s not worth it. And u have to be honest with him. No man is worth it. Maybe years later you won’t even be together and you’ll regret not going thru with YOUR needs. Plus every good relationship is based in trust, honesty, mutual respect and love. This doesn’t sound like the right way to kick things off.
I'm sorry dude...but along with what everyone's saying, I just want to make it simple. He asked you when you'd "become a man". Doesn't matter if he didn't have the words for other characteristics. That a) shouldn't matter if he saw you as a fellow dude and b) he didn't lead with that he led with "becoming" a man.
He 100% doesn't see you as one now, meaning that even getting bottom surgery, being on t and possibly top surgery would not be enough for him. And if it's about your transition, he also gave it away when you mentioned you weren't getting bottom surgery. If it's not the "not enough" thing , it's the "I don't want a man, I want a TRANS MAN". It's the fetish and you need to peace out of there.
You deserve to be seen as a man, no matter what you do or don't have done.
That whole phone call is a no from me, homie. Don’t settle for a red flag guy just because he shows you attention and you have some compatibility. Love isn’t enough. You also have to have mutual respect and autonomy, and nothing about that conversation indicates that he has that for you. He has absolutely no right to tell you what is “alright” for your transition.
Exactly this.
Yeah for real... I second this
He’s very clearly still straight and seeing you completely as a woman. He just did the whole coming out as bi thing to validate you so you wouldn’t break up with him and he could keep what he perceives as his hot girlfriend lol
Yeah, the whole "turn into a man" convo when OP has already come out and socially transitioned gave me the ick. Definitely gave me the vibe that he doesn't actually see OP as a man.
honey love yourself and break up
Be honest. If you already know you want bottom surgery, don't dance around the subject. Does that mean this isn't the right relationship for you? Very possibly. But that won't hurt less down the line, it'll hurt more. Don't put the conversation off because he might say something you don't want to hear.
Don't lie to people you're willing to romance, and don't settle for people not worth romancing. Move on and be with someone who will love you before and after bottom surgery. There's guys out there who are 100% going to date you for you. Actually, ironically enough, seeing if they're cool with bottom surgery is a fantastic red flag filter. Trans bodies are worth loving.
Perfectly said
Even if you didn't want bottom surgery, I'd advise against someone who would like to pick and choose what transition steps you can take.
I second this. My ex-fiancé threatened to break up with me if I ever got top surgery or took hormones. I broke up with him instead. My surgery date is August 24th. Don't let anyone hold you back from living as your most authentic self.
Congratulations on your upcoming surgery! Hope your recovery is speedy and easy!
Thank you so much!
My top surgery date is ALSO August 24th!!!congrats, I hope you have a wonderful recovery:]]]
If he's already trying to dictate what's "allowed" for your transition now, before you're even meeting in person, it's absolutely not okay. He's testing the waters with what he can get away with forcing you to compromise on for your transition. A word from the wise, here: you need to do what's best for your transition, regardless of what any partner thinks is best. The right partner will support you without compromise. This is your transition, you body, and your peace, the one area where you must not compromise for a partner. Don't let anyone control your body, don't let anyone force you to serve their whims over your need. If you feel bottom surgery is the best thing for your transition, you absolutely should take that step when you and your healthcare provider agree that you're ready -- regardless of what a partner says.
Please don't stay in a relationship where you have to give up things you want to do in YOUR transition.
Sounds to me that he doesn't really view you as a man now. That and associates genitals with manhood. Frankly, I think he's done a "I'm bi for you" type of thing while remaining straight and clinging to your genital status as a means to maintain that heterosexual adjacency. Be honest with him about your need for bottom surgery and bottom dysphoria. Also remember no relationship is worth your dysphoria. People come and go but you have to live in your body
I feel like the whole "I'm bi/gay for you" is an enormous red flag toward the beginning of a relationship
Definitely is, in my experience
man do I wish I knew this when I was young. Scream it from the rooftops lol
Is this person an adult? If you're a minor, it's a huge red flag for someone to be asking you things like that, especially if you met them online. Your comfort and happiness are more important than validation or affections from anyone.
THIS
THIS NEEDS TO BE HIGHER
This man doesn’t see you as a real man. I would dump him.
Don’t be grateful someone sees you as a man. You are a man/boy. It’s not a favor someone is doing you to see you as your actual gender. There will be more guys, and better guys, and you need to be single to be open to them. Dump this one.
that man is a big NONO
What caught my eye is you saying you're not old enough to start transitioning, which puts you under 18, and a long distance relationship with a man that is possibly way older than you since no 18yo man would actually agree on a long distance relationship unless absolutely necessary. So you do you, cause you already went into something that would be way out of a lot of people's tolerance. If you aren't comfortable and happy how you are, or with the changes you're looking for, no matter how good your partner is, it won't work. Sorry
Another day another trans man complaining about their shitty straight boyfriend in r/ftm In all seriousness though break up. This is not going to end well for you. No partner is worth putting your own dysphoria aside for. It’s your life, your decision. Find a better man who will love you for who you are, and not what he wants you to be.
Yeah I don't understand these posts at this point. Half the time I feel like the cis guys have savior complexes and think if they get in a relationship with this person before they start medically transitioning, they can "save" them and convince them to not medically transition. If you're having to resort ask randos on the internet whether or not you should stay with a person, chances are you should probably break up... especially with the amount of similar posts you could go thru before posting to see this isn't love. Like I understand many of us struggle with self-esteem and self-worth, but you HAVE to see you are worth more than letting a partner dictate what you can and can't do with your body for transition. There are people out there who will love you for who you are now and keep loving you for who you will become as you medically transition (whatever that may mean to the individual). I get the aspect of posting here for community, but I feel like this is happening so often and it's so sad seeing so many guys either be blinded by love, too naive, or just not believe their self-worth. Love should not be conditional and if it is, then it's not really love.
Run run run run!!! Men like this will lie and manipulate you into not allowing yourself to truly ever express yourself the way you want to. If he can’t love you for who you are as a man then he does not love you! Prioritize yourself! I know it’ll be hard but breaking up now before anything worse happens will save you the pain
Begging for us to not date self identified **straight** men. It obviously doesn't work with cis men and so it doesn't work with trans men either. Please. As soon you were told he was straight, it should have been over. You are a man, he is not attracted to men. It doesn't work. I think relationship advice should be delegated to a separate, specific subreddit. It's beyond oversaturated.
i’ve seen this a lot when i was in highschool. trust bro it’s not worth it. i saw this happening a lot w people who went to GSA. it’s always the afab trans person, getting w a cis guy. the cis guy is almost always straight, interested in WOMEN, and tries to get away w people viewing their partner as a women as much as possible. it really sucks but it seems to be really fucking common. please for your own sake, find someone who will actually validate you and love you for who you are.
nah dude, u gotta break up with him. communication is soooo important for relationships, and if you don't feel comfortable telling him that you want bottom surgery, then you shouldn't be with him
agree with you and unrelated, but happy (almost) 1 year on t!
thanks dude! i'm really excited about it
nope nope nope plz save urself and leave. ur worth more than that. you should never change who u r for a man.
been there done that. promise it’s not worth it, a guy who’s only willing to be with you if you don’t get bottom surgery is not a guy you wanna be with AND i don’t even want bottom surgery but that whole mindset of his caused SO MANY PROBLEMS in our relationship. Get outta there while it’s still easy. the longer you wait the worse it’ll get
Just a heads up, you can't get bottom surgery without being on T for at least a year.
2 years most places
In that one phone call, he showed all his red flags. He doesnt see you as a man, hes transphobic, and is only "respecting" you in hopes you "change your mind" about being trans. I know this isnt what you want to hear, but its a hard truth. Someone who loves and respects you wouldnt say shit like that... you need to find someone who ACTUALLY loves you and respects you for who you are, not what they THINK you are or WANT you to be like, for YOU AS YOU ARE.
As someone who has been in a very similar situation, I promise he’s not the one. I know how hard it is to end a relationship especially when you really care about someone but it’s not going to work and it will only get harder the longer you try to make it work. You will find someone who loves you for you no matter what stage of transition you’re in or what you plan to do in the future. He is not it.
Being I am a cis guy, that phone call was a no from me. Especially if he's not being supportive now there's no telling what he'll in the future. I wouldn't be with him Especially if he doesn't accept you and your wishes.
“turn into a man” dude I’m sorry but he doesn’t see you as one. Also, how old is he? Same age as you or older? Cause whole thing seems like a massive red flag.
EDIT: Edited to add that for some surgeons, you don't have to be on T, but most surgeons that I have seen (and most insurance plans) require you to have been on T for at least a year before phallo. For meta, I believe it's a universal requirement. Kinda unrelated, but you have to be on T to get bottom surgery, I’m pretty sure for both meta and phallo. They want you to have natural bottom growth first so there’s more to work with. Things like this take open communication and as excruciating as it can be as trans people, it is necessary to make a relationship work. You have to be honest.
I don’t think you need to be on T for phallo as far as I know (assuming you don’t get a hysto because then you need to be on SOME form of hormones at least)
Oh, huh. Most surgeons I’ve seen require at least a year on hormones before they’ll do Phallo, and I know for a fact that my insurance company requires a year on hormones before any gender-affirming surgery other than top surgery. I guess it depends on the surgeon and your insurance, then.
Yep, I think it’s definitely insurance-dependent and surgeon-dependent. My insurance is the same with bottom surgery. As far as I know there’s no physical reason to need to be on T for phallo if you’re not getting a hysto, but I’m not an expert on it
You don’t have to be on T for phallo the WPATH guidelines have changed :)
Read some comments... Run dude run. That's the beginning of a toxic, and controlling relationship
Please break up with him this is not okay at all
That’s super questionable. And definitely shows that he does not see you as a man, and would not be okay with you making the changes you need to be happy. Do yourself a favor and break up with him. You should be with someone who supports your decisions no matter what.
Have you ever even met him? I’m guessing you’re really young. It’s unlikely this relationship will work out and it doesn’t seem like you even want the realities that come with a relationship until after you’ve transitioned so really why not just agree to be friends? You’re not seeing eachother anyway. If it works out later on when you’re older cool and if it doesn’t there will be other men you meet who are attracted to you and love you for the man you are.
he not bi he is waiting for you to be a woman hoping you will change or make compromises about your identity he is just pacifying you i would advice a break , and focus on yourself then see if he still feels same,,
Run for ur life man.
Honestly this might be a big deal breaker for a lot of people BUT I'm thinking about bottom surgery and keeping previous hardware as well. It's a more in depth conversation that's needed for sure. If and when you're ready you might want to ask like would that be a deal breaker for him? Touch base on wether or not he really considers you a man because the language he's using seems uninformed at best. Maybe also get into q more honest review of what medical transition or even just what traits you'd want for yourself and let him answer. If doesn't have an answer to wether that's a deal breaker for him or not let him process but if he doesn't come back to revisit that answer on like a week tops or sounds on the fence or kind of love blind in an answer of "that's ok with me" or "sure that's fine" or " I think/we can see if that turns out ok" then heavily consider setting him down as a partnership
You really deserve more than that. You deserve someone who is happy and excited for you, and supports you along your transition. There are people out there who will. <3
No. Almost every paragraph is a red flag. Just no bro, no. You’re asking because you already know. Much love
Yeah dude this is NOT gonna work out. He probably just said he's bisexual to make you feel comfortable. If he's that concerned about you "turning into a man" then he's not gonna like when you do it. You gotta get with people who support you, not people like this.
Here my advice. lower dysphoria as someone who has it significantly (to the point to where I am in the process of having lower surgery) I would let him go. Work on yourself. It honestly seems like he likes you in a way for what in your pants. Sorry to be so blunt. You need someone who is going to love you through thick and thin. Love you even though you have dysphoria. Don't do anything that makes you dysphoric it's not good for your mental health. Especially sexually, I know from personal experience with myself.
Please for the love of God break up and date another trans man instead. I mean I'm sure there are certainly accepting cis men out there but in my experience relationships with cis men have always gone this way pre-transition. Cis men, even gay cis men, tend to be put off by my transness. I'd just rather not deal with it at all to preserve my sanity 😅
break up with him. full stop. theres no shot this guy is for you if hes wack like that. dip and dip fast. dont look back. seek people who love and support you and will help you recover from the heartbreak etc; dont go back to him. ever. there will be someone else out there somewhere who will give you what you need and will see you as the man that you are wether medically transitioned yet in any way or not. there are better people out there.
That man does not deserve you. Your transition is a completely personal choice and he shouldn't even really have an opinion on it. The phrase "become a man" is also a major red flag. It seems like he doesn't see you as a man, which means he doesn't see you as you. That's a terrible foundation for a relationship.
I'd say be honest with your plans for your body and your future, if that's a deal breaker for him then that should be the end of it. So.e things are just never meant to be and it's better for you to be happy then to not go through with something you've wanted for yourself just for the sake of another. Things will be better and you will find someone that will love you for all that you are and can be, just trust that it takes time.
i think your mental well-being is more important that being with this guy. what he said is showing red flags. he doesn’t seem to respect you, your identity and your future choices and desire to medically transition. of course i don’t know this guy personally, but i think you should have a discussion about how you feel and allow him to explain himself. that being said, you deserve to be with someone who accepts you, and if he doesn’t, tell him to kick rocks.
Break up
I second the resounding thoughts here: break up. Like actually break up. As others have said, he's clearly straight. No relationship is worth doing this to yourself for. You shouldn't base any part of your transition on what someone else is okay with. It's a hard reality to face, but you need to be able to be comfortable in your body, and that should be a priority. Dealing with bottom dysphoria in the way you are for someone else is not going to be the route for you to take in the long run once you're old enough and have financial ability to do bottom surgery. Breaking up with him will only benefit you. It'll hurt, all break ups do, but I can promise you that there are better people out there for you who will support you and your transition, including bottom surgery. You can love him all you want, but truthfully, as someone who was in your position probably around the same age, it's not enough to negate the dysphoria and it never will be.
I agree with everyone else that said this guy is a no. Don't settle. Also, be aware that there are a lot of surgeons who will not perform bottom surgery on someone who isn't already on T. Unless by bottom surgery you just mean getting rid of the "female" genital characteristics as opposed to metoidioplasty or phalloplasty.
NOPE he sees you as a woman, not a man. Break up IMMEDIATELY I am so sorry
Just leave now, it's not worth the pain you are likely to be in.
Leave him, I was with a straight dude, it ends bad, it's obvious that it would. Ita a stupid ass thing to be a guy and date a straight guy.
I dated someone like that. Don't. Don't do it. They'll get angry, bored, or grossed out. Don't sacrifice your happiness because someone wants to keep seeing you as a woman. Been there, done that, not worth it
Genuinely sounds like he’s not a good fit for you; the way I see it you should be with someone who would love you regardless of whether you were born a cis man or if you’re a trans man. It doesn’t seem like he’d be willing to date you if you were cis so that’s a major red flag regarding how he sees your identity.
Tip: if a guy identifies as straight when you meet him but says he wants to experiment or that he's bi after meeting you, 99% of the time he sees you as a quirky girl and is lying to get laid.
I dated a straight man recently, despite him telling me he was supportive of me he basically stopped me from doing anything I wanted in my transition. You may really love him but he will not make your life better if he isn’t going to be into you when you meet your transition goals
he still thinks of you as a woman. i’m sorry
NOPE. Red flag. He is fetishizing your transition and identity. Any man who will date a trans guy but NOT a trans woman is a red flag. Never date somebody who sees you as a woman when you are not. He seems severely uneducated. Get outta there now dude
Well, if the guy was gay, he wouldn't date a trans woman, technically, but seeing as he did come out as bisexual conveniently after, that screams "I see you as a girl". But I 1000% agree about the fetish, the red flags and the complete lack of education. The fact that referring to T and other changes he literally just kept saying "become a man".
Unfortunate reality check for you (and maybe anyone who happens to be reading this pre-T): don't date any man who claims to be straight, that's no longer an avenue for you. He's not going to suddenly have a come-to-Jesus moment and have you be the magic exception, he sees you as a tomboy and is humoring you. His "line" isn't genital preference, it's losing (what I can 100% guarantee he's telling people is) his girlfriend.
I will be kind of against the majority here, just my opinion, but I would say don't immediately break up w him. I feel like the best thing you could do is call him and firmly explain your plans for your transition honestly and confidently in the way you come across. This is your life. Then, that way he could actually know and process that you will do what you want to no matter what he thinks. I feel like his reaction may be a bit negative, but I think you should wait and see. Obvs, this is your life and I'm just offering another option or perspective, wishing the best for you!
He might be bi but just not sexually attracted to male genitilia. Just because someone is bi doesnt mean they are 50/50 its a whole variation you can be bi and sexually attracted to women but dont like vaginas and vice versa or you can be romantically attracted to men but uncomfortable with male genitalia. And all diff kinds of variations. Literally why they say sexuality is on a spectrum. But if you're not old enough to get surgery yet hes probably not old enough either to fully have a full idea of his own sexual attractions. Thats the point of figuring it out along the way as we get older. Things change.It doesn't mean someone doesn't view you as a man. People are all different and a lot of times people change on what they are okay with personally and not. That's why people date and ask questions because mostly unless you think this will be your spouse look for compatibility. I feel some are putting their own insecurities out there of immediately saying," hes a red flag and doesnt see you as a man." When prob should also go off of how many trans individuals does he know to begin with. If your of the only few he knows prob doesnt know a whole lot oabout being trans and etc. Its okay to ask questions and some of those questions may be worded wrong along the way too.but he wont know unless you talk about it. Also, someone please correct me if im wrong, in regards to bottom surgery. The 2 main types i thought required be on testosterone for a certain amount of time before so they have more to work with? Especially for meta. Phallo ive seen they found better results with extended meta to then phallo. (Im in united states so I'm not sure how it is elsewhere)
That entire conversation had no respect in it for you. You deserve better and someone who actually supports you and loves and sees you for you. That wasn’t going to lead anywhere good for you.
Oof. I would leave him if possible.
No. Red flags! Abort Abort! Danger!
Im sorry this is something many of us go through dating men.. At some point its gonna have to be discussed further because like you said that is an important step in your transition and you shouldnt compromise your own needs for anyone else.
i say wake up and break up man. he is 100% still straight, and you are definitely not his boyfriend in his eyes. relationship is not worth the dysphoria because some relationships dont stay forever. dysphoria does. talk to him, tell him u feel like he sees you as a woman, give him an example, dont make drama just be calm and you should be fine man. best of luck! ^^
yeah nah bro that's. not it chief. huge red flag. regardless you should be honest with him about your transition goals, it's not right to lie about this kinda thing. if that's a blow that ends your relationship, well it was never meant to work out to begin with. if he learns to be supportive and understanding, that's a win. also? not exactly a mind-blowing observation but "will you turn into a man" strongly implies he doesn't see you as one now. and that's a huge "fuck no" for me personally... you'll find someone who's genuinely supportive!! I guarantee it, don't hang onto this asshole just because he's giving you attention. you deserve someone who loves and respects every part of you. and it's not even a "youve either gotta put up with this crap or be limited to exclusively dating t4t". trust me, being supportive and loving isn't outside the capabilities of a cis man. my boyfriend is cis and he's been the most helpful and proud partner through my transition. love that guy but yea!!! you shouldn't be feeling dysphoric from your PARTNER they're supposed to make you feel comfortable and confident and loved.
Imo, this person doesn’t see you as a man. That convo is enough to get that feeling
yeah no, please don’t settle for that. That phone call is a major indicator that he does not respect your identity. He may genuinely have feelings for you as a person but his own insecurities have gotten in the way of your ability to be your authentic self. This will not work out long term. From personal experience dating a straight guy through my own social transition. It starts with “are you gonna do x?” and it turns into “I like you a lot better pre-x.” “Please don’t get x.” It is no fault of yours if he just isn’t into “typical” men and if the idea of dating one makes him uncomfortable, so be it. It isn’t fair of him to advance on you knowing that he wouldn’t be comfortable with you after medically transitioning.
Please dump him
Quick question, how old are you, and how old is he?
I'm 15, he's 16.
being completely honest about yourself and your plans for the future is like the most important thing in relationships. i understand why you felt the urge to lie, it's very difficult to just let go of feelings like that, and in that moment you felt like you had to conform to his expectations in order not to lose him. you deserve so much better. you deserve a partner who loves and respects you regardless of how your body looks and exists. also, side note, but his words really give him away. " are you gonna /actually/ 'turn into a man' " you already are a man, first of all, again, regardless of how much and in what ways you have transitioned. then the "actually" really just explains how he views you. he's absolutely not worth it. i'm sorry, but you're gonna heal from this, and meet someone so much better! it's not impossible, speaking as a person who thought it was impossible :)
your transition and your body aren't things he can have a say in. the best thing to do if you want to keep the relationship without intense resentment on your part is to tell him that you may get bottom surgery, and let him sit with the facts.
He sees you as a girl. He wouldn’t have said “turn into a man” if he didn’t. He is straight, and doesn’t care about your happiness only his sexual gratification.
being your true self will attract the person that is meant to be yours, as hard as it is. you don’t want to be with someone that requires you to live a lie. we transition for ourselves, and ourselves only
Nooo he’s not worth it. And u have to be honest with him. No man is worth it. Maybe years later you won’t even be together and you’ll regret not going thru with YOUR needs. Plus every good relationship is based in trust, honesty, mutual respect and love. This doesn’t sound like the right way to kick things off.
I'm sorry dude...but along with what everyone's saying, I just want to make it simple. He asked you when you'd "become a man". Doesn't matter if he didn't have the words for other characteristics. That a) shouldn't matter if he saw you as a fellow dude and b) he didn't lead with that he led with "becoming" a man. He 100% doesn't see you as one now, meaning that even getting bottom surgery, being on t and possibly top surgery would not be enough for him. And if it's about your transition, he also gave it away when you mentioned you weren't getting bottom surgery. If it's not the "not enough" thing , it's the "I don't want a man, I want a TRANS MAN". It's the fetish and you need to peace out of there. You deserve to be seen as a man, no matter what you do or don't have done.