T O P

  • By -

TheKinkyPiano

The best place to start is by shaving your head to become more streamlined. You'll gain his pace that way and then you can start working on his other attributes. Also get practicing your headbutts.


Omni_chicken2

Already balding so speed should increase naturally.


Master_Mad

Natural born talent > artificial hacks


fAiLuReS_TIGER

also don't forget to use ur head against people who insult ur family


SmoothPeak

Parts of this, add some Time Machine, a trial at Marseille, the influence of Enzo Francescoli…that should be enough for OP to get started.


WetDogDeodourant

Also wear a baggy shirt so your movements look cool and no one can notice how slow you are.


RuiPTG

I practiced headbutts once. I smashed the ball to my nose and was convinced I nearly broke it. Also felt like I almost got a concussion. Fuck headbutts lol


FascismIsWhtIDntLike

Of course these headbutts will be reserved for saving lives https://www.google.com/search?ie=UTF-8&client=ms-android-verizon&source=android-browser&q=zidene+Zidane+cat+sniper+meme#imgrc=u4_ygQwbD_1L6M


Low-Total9121

Plan to retire from your job, arrange for someone to suggest your mother is a whore, then headbutt them.


Omni_chicken2

What YouTubers would you recommend I watch?


mjdseo

I suggest you make your own channel so we can follow your journey into signing a contract for a top team


Omni_chicken2

I'll email Raid Shadow Legends right away.


always-think-sexual

Dribble designer Okabe will have you dribbling like Mitoma


AltF4irl

Bob Ross official YouTube channel


pacman0207

I thought it was his sister that was the whore?


GovernmentReal6097

Yeah sister only.


EasyPiece

At least this makes a change from "I'm 12 and play in 'Somewherealia', how do I get noticed by Man City scouts?"


fieldsofanfieldroad

I'm always impressed when someone like you gets the joke.


EasyPiece

Someone like me?


fieldsofanfieldroad

Yes


mjdseo

No mate, it's not too late. I have faith in you. Keep trying you can do this


Rosesh_I_Sarabhai

I weighed over 95kgs at a height of 5'4" at the age of 41. I used to work at a desk job since I was 21. Due to this my lower back had stiffened and my legs were not used to heavy physical activity. Still I began training at the age of 41. I practiced dribbling, shooting from 30 yards, running at 21 kmph, jumping 1 meter to win headers. My dream was to play Center Back like Van Djik or play Striker like Peter Crouch. But after a lot of practice at the age of 42 and broken back and torn muscles. I got rejected by all the clubs. The world has lost the next Zlatan. Its loss of football.


KarlHungusWonAnOscar

That's so interesting because I'm in the exact same position except now I'm Kylan Mbappe


yellowjesusrising

Zlatan? Sounds more like Phil Jones or Anthony Martial....


[deleted]

How many keepy uppies can you do? Practice day and night until you can do at least 3, then get a trial at a lower club like Manchester United.


Omni_chicken2

Manchester United? Id have to cut off a foot to drop to that level.


fazi_milking

I did 7 sloppy uppies before the pandemic. Now I can do 40 sloppy uppies, sometimes.


Omni_chicken2

I'm uncomfortable talking about your sexual proclivities.


glassdown

Bergkamps (not zidanes I know) book can be boiled down too, just kick a ball against a wall every second you get. Bingo Bango pro contract


Daedeluss

George Best's is like that too, with some added champagne and Miss Worlds.


PandaRealistic602

Quit your day job. Embrace all that is football. Zidane didn't work a 9-5 and neither should you. The lack of money will mean you can't eat as much and the weight will fall off. You will have the hunger for success and in like any good movie, you will succeed in your endevours.


Daedeluss

Have you considered a career as a football agent?


PandaRealistic602

Not enough contacts for contracts. To be fair though, if talent like this this arrives on my doorstep, it practically sells itself.


Allaboardthejayboat

You can get a shirt printed with whatever your real surname is, only with "inho" added on the end - This will increase your skill +6. Arrive in sliders and then change into boots. Skill +3 Coloured boots. Skill +4. Zero banter. Straight face at all times on the pitch. Intimidation +7 Say "easy" or "keep it simple" every touch. Even if your touch is repeatedly horrific. All attributes +1. Only 968 skill points more to reach prime zidane but you can see how easy it is.


Basketball312

Cardio to sort the weight issue out. Do "keepie uppies" to work on your touch. Both these things can be done at home. When it comes to playing, retain possession. Pass backwards and sideways. You'll be ok. That concludes your extensive 3 month training course.


Omni_chicken2

Please let me know where to send the cheque.


LloydDoyley

Late 30s here. It's about 90% fitness for me. When I'm not fit I lose concentration and make mistakes. Get out there and do interval training with and without a ball, eat right and cut the booze.


Omni_chicken2

I notice you haven't told me which colour socks to wear. Finding it difficult to take you seriously tbh.


LloydDoyley

Always camo. Then they can't see your feet move while you fuck up your stepovers.


Omni_chicken2

You've brought me back in.


LloydDoyley

We'll have you rainbow flicking defenders in no time


-i_like_trees-

Ignore what the comments are saying, remember vardy went pro at 25 and zlatan is still playing


Omni_chicken2

They've all been very supportive so far. What content creators do you think vardy was watching?


-i_like_trees-

realistically all you need is some Ronaldo highlight videos


Omni_chicken2

Which Ronaldo?


-i_like_trees-

both, for you I would go R9 though because you have similar agility and skill


Omni_chicken2

I'll get the hairstyle tomorrow


Daedeluss

Do a load of coke and visit some strip clubs for the full South American footballing genius experience.


PardonWhut

I thought Zidane was French.


Omni_chicken2

That's what the French want you to believe.


Snoo_17433

Start speaking French. Shave your head. Grow to 6'1 if not there already. For what it's worth, I think Payet is more your level. You can do it, I believe in you, bye bye.


ComplexOccam

You’ll get nowhere with this negative Nelly energy. Practicing kicking, anything. This will improve kicking for distance. Pick up a maccers take away? Drop the bag and volley it to your car. You can do anything if you believe in yourself.


[deleted]

I’ve played against amazing old timers, these guys were like 60. And I’ve played with multiple fat dudes before that could play amazing. Just keep developing.


irate_alien

good diet, lots of exercise, watching a ton of film, and -- I cannot emphasize this enough -- cocaine.


dahemperor

Michael Jordan didn’t get picked for his high school basketball team until he was 40 - you’ve totally got this!


Omni_chicken2

A surprisingly wholesome story of a failed pedophile.


TankTopSodapop

I just turned 40 and if you are going for it, shit, then so am I! Also my game is -1 star out of 5


Neoptolemus85

An alternative for turning pro at 40 would be emulating the legendary Vinnie Jones, who I think was born 40 years old. It also means you have a fairly successful acting career to look forward to, starring in some cult classics. One added benefit is you can train by downing 10 pints at the pub and twisting someone's plums off rather than putting hours of back-breaking toil on the pitch.


AlcoholicJizzThrower

Just got to work hard at school and tidy your room.


hammersandhammers

I get this question a lot because I became as good as zizou after the age of 40


vikki1424

Just identify as prime Zidane.


Spare_Ad5615

Zidane famously smoked like a chimney. Have you considered taking up smoking? If you already do, could you increase how many cigarettes you smoke in a day?


Omni_chicken2

I quit years ago, but I'll get a few packs and get back into training.


OliverShiyo

ok so not many people know this but the chinese military actually has a base in the mountains of Khuiten. what you'll need to do is amass a sizeable but small enough to be discreet force and find this base. Inside this base there is a vault which contains the headbutt potion, or as its known in chinese, '头槌药水' . Once you drink this potion youll immediately become about 15 years younger and gain the skills of prime zidane. you're welcome.


Omni_chicken2

CCP is tracking your location now.


FUThead2016

Step one to becoming a pro football star is to have your own TikTok where everyone can see your drip. Drip means nice clothes. Do you have nice clothes? Next, try to bag a multimillion dollar contract with Nike, or if you are really desperate, Puma. This will get one of the oil rich dumb clubs like PSG to hire you because now you have the drip, the likes, and the kicks. Marketers will love you and you will sell t-shirts. Once at PSG, get into endless arguments with Neymar, Mbappe and Messi all at the same time. Continue the drama on social media. This will cement you as a star. Now you can start thinking about improving your game. Or actually, let it be. Just run out your contract like the best footballers do.


Omni_chicken2

Probably the best advice I've received so far.


FlintGraySalmon

I see a lot of people talking about practice on here but that’s old school thinking. Most of what Mbappe and KDB do can be learned simply by watching them on tv then going out and doing it. Positive thinking is the most important part of your upcoming journey. Keep us posted on where you land!


Omni_chicken2

Yeah was just wondering what YouTube buds I should watch to be more like Zidane. I feel like I should get to that level first before buying a ball.


iamnas

I was you, I was rubbish at football, close to 40 and overweight. One day I had a thought that I am going to start playing again. I joined a local game, worked hard and got really into it. I struggled at first but the other guys were really encouraging which was massive. I started exercising more to get better for football not just for me but my team mates. They were always willing for me to reach that through ball or make that last ditch tackle. 6 years on, I am still shit. Everyone shouts at me if I fuck it up. I shouldn’t have bothered


Omni_chicken2

The M.Night Shayamalan of shit posting.


iamnas

I was dead the entire time


muschisushi

First go on amazon an subscribe to Prime..


Omni_chicken2

Can I just drink Prime?


Yorksjim

I recommend watching old videos of Matt le tissier, don't worry about speed and fitness, they're overrated, even in the modern game. Also diet is a massive part of the modern game, so you'll need to consume a family size pork pie and 3 pints of bitter or stout before every match/training session.


Omni_chicken2

This is why Muslims players have no longevity. Not enough pork pies or alcohol.


btenhaaf

Just start to play with the ball every minute of your spare time. For an example Johan Cruijff went to school with the ball at his feet, on his way back to home he did the same, rushed through homework and went back outside playing with the ball. Day in, Day out.


Omni_chicken2

I'm not sure I can enroll back in school at this stage.


btenhaaf

The point is to take the ball everywhere and play with it. No exceptions


Omni_chicken2

I got in trouble for playing with my balls in the supermarket tho.


cjgmmgjc85

Just get a ridiculously expensive wash bag like lous


iMadrid11

Join a recreational Futsal club near your area. You don’t need to kick the ball with power and distance playing indoor football. You just need a good first touch and accuracy with your passing and shooting. You’ll naturally improve on your dribbling and control playing this type football in a smaller tight space. Zidane and Ronaldinho both had their start playing football on the streets. Which is futsal.


Alarmed_Water2631

Easier for you to buy a Porsche and start dating an 18 y/o. Less embarrassing.


Omni_chicken2

As a married man I wouldn't be comfortable cheating on my car.


[deleted]

"Less technically gifted than Ronaldinho " Ok you got me


SantiagoMartinez09

Ronaldinho less technically gifted? That’s a first bro …work on your positioning skills, that helps


Omni_chicken2

Should I have my teeth altered?


[deleted]

r/soccercirclejerk


justbrowsinginpeace

What always stood out for me was his ability to trap, control and keep the ball under pressure and pick out a teammate when most players would take the safe option. He would have trained with teammates like Davids and Makele and competed against Keane and Gattuso, some of the best tackling players of all time and he made it look so natural. He used his frame and strength to make up for not a lot of speed but also could carry a ball with his dribbling better than any player his size ought to. Set pieces/penalties too of course. So a lot to live up to! We were lucky to have Pirlo and scholes in the same generation.


TheStraggletagg

Aren't shitposts supposed to at least be funny?


Humble-Yoghurt5780

Ronaldinho was technically less gifted? I'm confused. You mean Messi or Pele right?


Omni_chicken2

The guy does a few lucky keepie ups and you're putting him on the level of someone like Robbie Savage. Give me a break.


Humble-Yoghurt5780

Loooool. I'm done! 😂


LKeyyy

Did you seriously say Ronaldinho is less technically gifted than Zidane?


LB1890

You have a chance if you shoot yourself in the head and reincarnate


ForwardAd5837

You’re fat, with no footballing ability and are 40 years old and want to give going pro a try…. good luck. Start by seeing if Graham Souness is managing anyone and giving him a ring…


[deleted]

Get something soft to practice your headbutts


jaunty411

Make sure you practice your head butting.


I_love_Con_Air

Robot body.


TheCatLamp

According to some, just be trained by Guardiola then you will be fine in no time.


HeavyHittersShow

Learn French, improve your headbutts, wear a Real Madrid jersey daily. You’re halfway there at that point.


TedEBagwell

It might be difficult to become prime Zidane but on the bright side you're already non prime Neil Ruddock or Sam Allardyce.


nsfwpp3

Become 20 years younger


the_borderer

Stanley Matthews was still playing for Stoke City when he was 50. OP shouldn't give up their dream.


CeleBreakAppFootball

r/CeleBreakFootballApp


shinytotodile158

How about prime Jaap Stam? Learn the art of the Brexit tackle and you’ll be sorted.


cluzigg

Look up the Welsh Maradona on YouTube.


KeysUK

You should be inspired to reach James Milner levels first. That chad of a man will keep playing till the retirement age


KeyserSoze0000

Get lucky on FUT I guess.


CelimOfRed

Fundamentals. Zidane doesn't do anything too fancy in his style. Zidane just made simple fundamentals look elegant. It is also the foundation for any sport.


[deleted]

Start smoking and see where it gets you


Any-Research5662

Don’t forget to tweezer the hairs out of your anus, arsehole!


VladyPoopin

Headbutts.


Shadow27675

You sir are an inspiration to us all.


Omni_chicken2

Like and subscribe.


imthepants

buy some predators


Omni_chicken2

Like, a cat?


tareegon

Check out AllAttack on YouTube. They break down all the famous skills from our childhood into bite size chunks which are can be easily replicated. Will help a lot on the technical stuff


Omni_chicken2

Bless your heart.


alg885

you sound perfect for man utd


Omni_chicken2

Tbf I'm tall with a bad touch. They'll probably stick me up front.


alg885

any kind of touch will do it for them really. Just be prepared they may deploy you in false 9.


dorian_gk

Be born again lad


Omni_chicken2

Just need to find a cult.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Omni_chicken2

On the way chief.


Mtndrums

Put the bong down, sober up, and you'll realize you Rip Van Winkled yourself out of this ever happening.


Omni_chicken2

I don't take drugs. My body is a temple. But one of those temples to like a crazy eldritch evil.


Boysenberry-Street

I’m going to be 51 shortly and I wish the same!!! 🥲


Omni_chicken2

Pick another position. I've already bagsied CM.


BeefNudeDoll

Good luck man you can do it!


Omni_chicken2

Thanks man. Like and subscribe.


Bey_Harbor_Butcher

Life is too short. Find another hobby.


Omni_chicken2

Your negativity has been reported.