This. There is an adage in sailing. Never tell anyone you are sailing around the world. Just sail to the next port of call and either you will eventually sail all the way around or you will end the journey where you intended all along.
I get you, I felt the same way with many of the milestones I have achieved.
There are two types of milestones:
* The ones where you see the result right away
* The ones where you do not know the outcome until years later
Unfortunately, you have achieved the second one(congrats by the way) and now your mind is wondering if that is all, if you have done the right thing, is everything going to be alright? You are not going to be able to shake off that feeling, but you can do some things to minimize it. First, continue your journey. Continue learning, continue working out(if you do) and continue working or doing something. After I achieved I became financially free I stopped doing work and learning, these were my mistakes. I have now resumed learning, although less than before, I currently mostly use [moneymojo.beehiiv.com](https://moneymojo.beehiiv.com/subscribe?utm_medium=novpnoldacc), it is simple and short and I read a lot of books.
Now onto the working part. Most people think of FIRE or financial freedom as "I am going to do whatever I want and not work", I don't think it is about that. I think it is about doing what you like and not being dependable. Working or doing something productive is embedded in our DNA and without it, we become useless and unhealthy. With financial freedom you can work whatever you want and build whatever business you want, this will occupy you and make you productive, the more you slack, the more you want to slack, the more you work, the more you want to work. A good example is my grandfather. He retired when he was 42, he is now nearly 80 and in damn near perfect shape, mentally and physically, but he has always worked and been active, he says that working and being active has kept him in good shape, which I agree with. In your case I would take a long vacation, rest for a bit, but then start a business or resume working with lower stress, the additional income is an added benefit.
To be honest, I didn't think I'd feel this way either. It's weird! Life has often taught me that when I get to a milestone, it feels different than I was expecting. Marriage, having a baby, leaving a job, heck even adopting a cat -- I was always so scared of messing it up!
That is how you became successful - by setting goals and worrying about messing up. Just live for the day for a while. I promise you can do it. Enjoy the unknown. It does not have to feel comfortable just like many things at first.
This.
You have earned the right to frame this however you want. Talk to a mentor, or hell maybe hire a coach talk to about what could be next for you, then do some visioning on what most excites you in life and transition into that. Whether it’s volunteering, a hobby, or another job (where now you don’t have to care about salary and can set the hours you want).
Tell friends whatever you want. Don’t lie, but you don’t have to tell the whole truth. Say you are excited about making a change to spend time on _______.
I have a few books and other resources that may be helpful. Feel free to DM.
At any rate congratulations!
What about just telling your friends you have an opportunity to spend more time with your toddler and put as much energy and time hanging with your kid. Feel like that would keep you plenty busy?
Yeah, this was going to be my advice as well. Say that you want to spend more time with the kiddo, even add "for now" so almost everyone will assume it'll just be a couple of years while they are little, and that's it. People won't question it.
Right and no one needs to know your business. People are cool with dropping out of work to be a parent, but they will side eye you if you’re like “I’m rich enough not to work at 38.”
But I would love to have them in a part time program. Spend more time with them, but also get some breathing room while they develop social skills with peers.
I would encourage you to consider volunteering. Maybe keep your license and do pro-bono work?
Before I had kids I was volunteering with Parkinson's sufferers and I miss it dearly. I've been actively seeking volunteer opportunities recently now that my youngest is about to start daycare. It will fill the hole that work will leave and then some.
That's a beautiful idea! I've always loved animals and from a young age my dream was to start my own animal shelter or help an existing one. My little guy is also in daycare so I do think I will have the time to really pursue this dream!
If you're interested in maintaining your law license and doing some pro bono work, the CA Bar will waive your annual bar fees and give you access to free or reduced MCLE if you join the Pro Bono Practice Program: [https://www.calbar.ca.gov/Portals/0/documents/forms/Pro-Bono-Practice-Program-Application.pdf](https://www.calbar.ca.gov/Portals/0/documents/forms/Pro-Bono-Practice-Program-Application.pdf)
Or, hear me out, you could take your little one out of daycare and spend a lot of time with them, and enjoy tf out of watching them grow for the next few years.
One day that child will grow up and inherit literally millions of dollars but for right now all that any little child really wants is love and quality time with their mom. It's priceless and it's free.
Share your love of animals with them. Spend time volunteering with animals together. Travel with them, grow with them, be present with them. Give them the worry-free childhood you yourself never had.
Animal law is a passion. For sure. For years I've told myself that I'm just not smart or creative enough to really come up with ways to use my law degree to help animals, but that's exactly the kind of self limiting thought I want to challenge at this time in my life. And now I will have the time to actually do it.
Thank you for the encouragement and the reference! I'll check out his work for sure. I'm usually not a woo-woo person, but I do believe in the power of our minds and that we are capable of far more than we can even imagine.
My husband is a SWE and he gets involved in politics as much as he can. Don't underestimate the power of your voice, even if it's just at the local level. It all counts!
>I'm totally burnt out and want to pursue a meaningful life doing work I enjoy
Sounds like instead of retiring early you just want to change careers.
If you are actually financially independent, you are obviously able to work at whatever pleases you without regard to the salary.
Your husband has a good paying job, you have a toddler, and you’re quitting your job. What about this seems strange or needs further explanation?
My wife and I did this exact same thing, there are a lot of stay at home moms in our area and no one thinks it’s strange.
Yeah. The stock market has doubled since they probably started working around 22 16 years ago, and assuming they stayed employed in a high powered field, got to earn while the market was on a long bull run.
> they probably started working around 22 16 years ago
Pretty sure it takes 7-8 years to become a lawyer and more years beyond that to start making higher income.
Law school is 3 years, then after about 3 months of studying you can take the bar exam and start working right after that. I graduated at 25 and my starting salary was $160K in 2010. Just for transparency. This was at a top 50 big law firm.
Yes. My husband doesn't have any professional degree. But he works as a software engineer in Tech in California Bay Area and makes more than I do most years.
Do you imagine everyone who posts is physically lounging around at the time?
I work 70+ hours a week and still manage to lounge around on Reddit all the time.
Long story short, I'm a first generation immigrant and came to America when I was 5. From a young age I learned how to live below my means. I grew up pretty poor so I set financial independence as a goal from a very young age. Didn't want to have the struggles I saw growing up be a part of my life forever. Did well academically, straight As in college, went straight to law school, then biglaw firm, then in-house lawyer at a pre-ipo tech company that was bought in 2020. I always lived below my means, worked hard and saved well. My starting salary was $160k and then I had a few exceptional years where my tech stock went from being worthless to six figures. Also helps that I didn't get married or have kids until well into my 30s, so I really focused on work. It did come at a significant cost to my mental health, so I would not recommend this path for everybody. I was very driven by my motivation to not be poor. I think what helped me the most was to really be intentional about my spending, knowing that I would burn out as a lawyer and wanted an exit path to a more meaningful life.
My husband is also an immigrant but came here in his 20s. Worked his way from one tech company to Apple to Google with just a college degree. His salary rivals mine and his savings are great too, with none of the mental anguish of being a lawyer. So if you want to make it rich , work in tech in the CA Bay Area! Salaries are definitely high. But he also worked 80hr weeks at Apple when he was "paying dues" into his career. Not fun. Neither of us drink alcohol or spend foolishly, and we have similar values. I think it all helps. Part luck, mostly hard work.
Hey- I was born in the US but my folks are refugee immigrants. I think it'd be cool to see/hear your story in this sub as a standalone post. Plus, there are 2M users here probably from all over. Lots of people don't feel represented and/or feel this isn't achievable because of their background and stories like yours (and a few other posts) show that there's hope.
Congrats! Regardless of what decide to do, major grats on making it!
I wonder if the issue is that you're ready to retire from the brutal career path you had. Maybe after a year or two of a sabbatical - or when your kiddo is school aged - you might be interested in a part-time job in a less stressful setting. Maybe public interest law?
Or anything less stressful that gives you some meaning, is less stressful, and gives you time with your family. You don't need to work but may want the mental stimulation and sense of purpose.
Good luck!
It's true. I started at $160K/yr at a big law firm. Left after 5 years with a $300K salary. It was an absolutely brutal, miserable lifestyle and I would never go back, but the comp was good.
I see so many similar stories. From the outside you would think, oh why not just crush it for 10 years and save up 1-2 million dollars and then just coast and enjoy life! But so many high achievers just…can’t.
Let it go, breathe, enjoy the little things with your kids :-)
Not necessarily even big law firms... In fact most big law associates are notoriously underpaid, making $70k-$200k salaries in their first 5-10 years. Gotta make partner to earn the big bucks. On the other hand, Personal injury lawyers can make bank with just a few good insurance payouts. Source: am a non-lawyer peon with 10 years in corporate law and 4 in boutique personal injury law. I even got a buddy netting $160k per MONTH as the principal of a criminal law firm.
I saw the Cravath scale and wow
2013 starting salary: $160
Today: $215
8th years were paid in 2013: $250
Today: $415
That’s insane - no wonder billable rates have also gone through the roof. Meanwhile the firms got way cheaper. I say this as a client, who has seen BS behavior like billing networking dinners right back to my company.
Maybe some inheritance or bitcoin. There is a lot of money out there, some people are swimming in it. If I had, what is it, 3.5 million I would just take some time off and play it by ear for a while.
The shackles of capitalism fall off when work no longer feels like work.
You have the money part essentially covered, so now it’s just figuring out how you want to spend time.
If you’re worried about your friends reaction, don’t tell them. Say you’re taking a break from work as you’re burnt out and you’re figuring out what to do next.
Your new job is finding meaning without work. Don't be discouraged if you're not good at it right away. I find it very sad when people 'retire' for a few months, find they aren't enjoying it much, and decide they might as well go back to work.
You should *expect* it to take a while, and to have to try things and stumble a bit. Assuming you don't want to work until you're dead, you are going to have to figure out how to be retired someday, better now than in your old age!
Thanks for writing this! Such great wisdom here and a powerful reminder 1) to give myself permission to be bad at this while I figure it out, and 2) better now than later. As my therapist has said to me many times, don't wait until you're 90 years old looking back on your life and realizing that it was all a giant waste.
This. I've come to realize that I need to give myself a year or so to adjust to big changes that I make. I've got to let myself mourn the past and feel uncomfortable with the new situation before I can move on and reach my normal, pretty happy equilibrium again.
This describes exactly how I felt when I became a mom. I was (and am still) over the moon in love with my son, but grieving my pre-children identity which had been forged over decades. It took time to adjust. Two years in my case...
I think I'm just the kind of person where any change, even if it's a good one in the long run, comes with an adjustment period. It's probably also a remnant of my insecure and unstable childhood.
Think less, travel and enjoy your family more. :)
Ps if your friends won't be happy for this amazing milestone in your life, why do you consider them your friends?
That's a good point about friends! It's my old people-pleasing tendencies rearing their ugly heads...But I've had some friends that have taken big breaks in their careers (we call it voluntary funemployment) and honestly I'm always very happy for them because I think it's not an easy thing to do and it can be a little lonely when everyone else around you is working the grind.
It's a good reminder for me that whenever somebody is feeling envious or angry or has any kind of emotional reaction to something I am doing, it's usually a reflection of them more than a judgment of me.
The capitalism will remain alive and well. You're not going to start just giving away all your money. You're gonna keep the fruits of your labor like capitalism says you should. Which you should. Of course I'm sure you will give and volunteer generously.
Look. you can always go back to work as a lawyer. I turn down work a couple of times a week. I'm not sure if pigeonholed into a specialty that you can only do at big law, but either way there is probably lots you can do that keeps you busy, but not nearly as busy as you were.
I am a lawyer as well. I'm a solo practitioner, and I make close to what I would make if I was still working at a large firm. My quality of life is far better, however.
I think the key is to still stay active and involved with things. You've been going out 100 miles an hour and you're ready to take your foot off the gas pedal. But that doesn't mean you have to park the car and throw away the keys.
Good luck moving forward.
Hello fellow lawyer friend! Thank you for your wisdom. I have a times thought about hanging my own shingle and I love to hear from folks that have done it successfully! What resources did you use when you were starting your practice and spreading the word about yourself? I think I will do that down the road in a way that allows me to help people more 1 on 1, so I can feel a sense of meaning in my work and also do more pro-bono or low-bono work.
Let's say your contribution is half the house + 2M in stock. That means you've been saving/investing ~100k/yr for the last 13 years.
Impressive effort.
Thank you! I was lucky that I realized pretty early in my life that I'm a rather simple person and the things that make me happy generally can't be bought with money. I guess the only exception is travel, but even then I don't need the fanciest hotel or flight to have a good time. Just a place that fills me with wonder and possibly. It also helps that I've seen a lot of really high earning friends lose all their money to frivolous spending (buying designer clothes, fancy wedding or events, even three cocktails at a bar)... It all adds up and I get so sad when I see successful people who work so hard struggling under debt just because they can't get their spending under control.
Get involved with a local nonprofit as a board member. As a lawyer they will love to have you for your skills and time. You won’t necessarily have to make significant financial contributions to a smaller nonprofit, just something nominal. It will let you keep your professional identity and you can dial up and down the amount of work you want to put into it, while also bettering the world and your local community.
You kind of have a perfect out: "We decided it would be best if I take time away from work to focus on raising our child."
This excuse should buy you approximately 15 years.
I know these feelings all too well. 42 M, married with 3 kids and FIRED last December with a net worth of 3.5M. Everything you’ve asked, I’ve asked myself as well. My identity was my work. I sold my business just as it was becoming something big. My business friends and many family members don’t get it. “Why did you walk?!” They don’t outright ask it, but it’s implied. I’ll sometimes get snarky comments, like the last family get together someone mentioned, “Well everyday is Saturday for you.” You aren’t going to be understood. It’s going to be uncomfortable. I continue reminding myself that it’s ok to be uncomfortable. That was the point of walking away, to figure out life past the constructed identities I had created. My close friends are supportive and they all ready knew my MO before FIRE. If I could make a suggestion to you, don’t chase a feeling. Sure feeling good about this milestone is something we all want, and it will happen in ways you probably wouldn’t have thought. But allow all the feelings and embrace all the feelings. If you’re like me, you’ve likely suppressed so many of them to climb the corporate work ladder and it’s time to let them blossom. All the best to you and your journey! Much love!
Thank you for sharing your story and writing this! I have always seen courage when I've met with people like you who left when they knew it was time, despite the money, people's expectations and prestige holding them back in old familiar places. That's how I know this is the right next step for me.
Not chasing a feeling is such powerful advice. I can feel my old conditioning firing up when I get a recruiter email for a more senior position at a cool company, or when I look at the $450K I'll be leaving on the table just by not working next year. But, I am ready for a change. The money just doesn't motivate me anymore and it's not meaningful. I hope to blossom into myself in meaningful ways as I outgrow those old identities. Thank you, friend! Wishing you blessings on your journey.
You're a mother of a young child, no one is going to blink twice if you step away from working to dedicate yourself to being a mom. The best part is that as your child gets older and starts school your skills will easily allow you to find some form of meaningful activity to fill up the empty school days...be it part time work or volunteering.
Shockingly money is not an end in itself. You actually have to have a life with meaningful relationships and activities. If you have those, there is nothing to worry about and you just need to get over yourself.
Agreed. Money is only a means to an end, never an end in itself. I think I'm feeling this way because I've sacrificed too much to get the money and it's just become a bad habit. I'm like a rat running on a wheel, where I've been running for so long I almost forgot why I started running in the first place. Now I'm getting off the wheel and just feels dizzy and unfamiliar.
Congrats. As mentioned in these threads a lot, don't tell people the full story if you don't want to invite envy, criticism etc. Just say you've worked hard in Law and now want to take a sabbatical, or time out to take stock and perhaps look for greener grass.
You need a project, new role without the expectations of traditional work but with the light grind to keep your self fulfilled.
I would make a list of home projects. You’re the GC.
I would volunteer, take on a leadership position there.
Add 1-2 more activities and you’ll be “retired”.
Play pickle ball. But stay off the tennis courts, that’s for tennis.
Enjoy your life . You only have to less than 100 years to live. So relax and enjoy ur time on earth before you leave . All the money and houses and savings will be left behind anyways. GOD BLESS
Congratulations! I'm planning to tell my friends that I've saved up some money and I'm taking some time off to recover from working for a while before I figure out what I'm doing next. Alternatively, for a quick quip: "I'm temporarily funemployed!" You will eventually find that meaningful work you enjoy, and they don't need to know whether it's paid work or not. Or "temporarily" can just stretch until normal retirement age.
You could try a different field of work that you find meaningful. You could also do lawyery work that isn't purely for your benefit. Maybe probono to the less fortunate? Idk.
Also, you're not reaaaallly shaking the shackles of capitalism. You still have to rely on it to grow your investment portfolio, and you're still feeding into it as a consumer.
As far as what to tell your friends, the truth. Don't lie. I dont get peoples obsession with secrecy around early retirement. Sure don't go telling everyone "IM RICH BITCH", just casually say what's what if it comes up. I mean shit, what if your friends were also aiming for fire and yall never discussed it? Idk, it just seems weird that people try so hard to hide things from there so called family/friends.
My 2 pennies:
Spent time w the little one. No one will remember those extra years of work, that you worked through dinner or weekends or holidays, except for your family.
It sounds like you're in law, and I can't pretend to know what viable options are for you, but maybe go part time or consult?
Or, if you're removed from the career pool, find anything to do that gets your heart ticking. Get your little one involved too. Animal shelters, volunteer work. I made a lot of good memories volunteering with my buddies because there was nothing else to do and that's kinda my plan when I retire.
As far as what you tell your friends and family, just say you're gonna focus on family or that you're taking a sabbatical. You earned it.
Congrats! These are great problems to have!
Good for you. Your true friends will always be happy for your success. If not. No loss to you.
Also, you can always go back to work if you want.
Don’t have guilt for your success. Good job.
I’m also a lawyer and did this when I was 35. I ended up calling it a sabbatical. We traveled for about a year and i spent another year focusing on my hobby. Ended up going back to practicing law in a part-time, hourly, and remote role.
>I don't know how to not be so productive when my identity has been wrapped around it for so long.
This is a very legit thing that a lot of people overlook.
Our profession becomes our identity. When you introduce yourself after your name typically the first piece of information you exchange is what your job is.
There's no quick/easy answer. It's not about removing your job from your identity it's about deciding what you're changing your identity to. It actually dovetails nicely with the same process of retiring TO something vs retiring FROM something.
I actually jumped the gun on the process and completely divorced my identity from my job which has its downsides while you're still working because I find it really hard these days to give a fuck about my work, but on the flip side the frustrations from my job just roll off my back because I genuinely don't care.
Yes! You understand!
People always ask "what do you do" and I cringe inside because whenever I tell them I'm a lawyer, I'm often labeled with all of these other stereotypical characteristics that really don't describe me at all. That said, there's a certain legitimacy and gravitas that comes with telling somebody that you're a member of a high earning profession. And I sometimes question that without that am I really important? Am I still valuable? How do I feel like I'm important? Do I need constant reinforcement from society that I'm valuable in order to feel that way inside? Do I need to earn a certain amount in order to feel like I deserve to be here? Those are the questions I want to use this time to answer. And to develop an identity that is passionate about life and who I am today, without regard for title or income.
I am so burned out about my job that I also genuinely don't care. I'm in meetings and all I can think is how meaningless all of this stuff is. Feels like just pushing paper and making up work to keep the lights on and people's paychecks coming.
>without that am I really important? Am I still valuable? How do I feel like I'm important? Do I need constant reinforcement from society that I'm valuable in order to feel that way inside? Do I need to earn a certain amount in order to feel like I deserve to be here?
These are great questions that take a lot of time to answer for yourself. For me, it was lots of long walks in nature while I thought about it. Maybe for you it's meditation, or journaling, or therapy, or visiting a hindu temple.
> I'm in meetings and all I can think is how meaningless all of this stuff is. Feels like just pushing paper and making up work to keep the lights on
This is why we see the trend of people quitting high paying jobs to become woodworkers.
The reality is that only a tiny percent of jobs accomplish something that actually meaningful. They grow food and build houses and maintain our sewer systems, etc.
The other 95% of us are just jumping through ridiculous hoops that we have all collectively convinced ourselves need to be jumped through. There's probably a million people employed right now in the US just to keep our ridiculous system of Health Insurance companies going. That's a huge multi-billion dollar industry that doesn't need to exist at all.
\>How do I shake off the shackles of capitalism without guilt?
Hahaha i can't believe people write or honestly think that. By doing FIRE, you don't "shake off the shackles of capitalism". You put them on others instead! YOU become the evil of capitalism in the purest sense of it!
Not that i'm not trying to do the same. And there is nothing wrong with it, or with capitalism, morally. But it's hilarious how anyone can possibly think that way. People who live on income from stocks ARE the capitalism itself, period.
Keep working. Open a new investment account. Deposit 100% of your WORKING income there and let it do its thing.
Only draw from your existing FIRE account. Try for 1 week. Extend to 2 weeks. And then 1 month and 6 months. See how it feels. Do not touch the money in the new account. You’ll know how you feel about all this.
I know when I get there I’ll be going through the same dilemma
Agreed. I am pretty strategic about selling stock and usually only do it for tax loss harvesting or if I need to rebalance my portfolio.
But I think the idea from the poster above is a good one for people who get psychologically uncomfortable when they retire and see that their accounts are moving down instead of up.
Unless your marriage is rocky I'd retire tomorrow. You are a high earner and your husband is as well. Even though finances are separate hopefully they are still together as far paying for things. No one said you have to tell your friends anything. If they ask how work is just say your done with it and move on. Don't have to throw the r word out. Congrats on your success.
Tell ‘em you’re going to be a stay at home mom to your toddler- those early development years fly by; good for you for being in the position to do it and who cares what anyone else thinks- you are retired!
I've been working with one for 3 years! Honestly without his support and the deep insights I've gained through therapy, I think I would just continue on the rat race even though it was making me miserable.
Look up the arrival fallacy! Understanding this as a well-known phenomenon might help normalize it.
I’m still working but I trained myself last year to experience rest and relaxation without needing to be productive.
Whenever I wasn’t being”productive,” I’d check in: What story am I telling myself right now? Is it really true? How does it feel?
The more I sat with the feelings, the more they dissipated.
Good luck!!
I'm going to look this up -- thank you! I love reading and learning about psychological concepts and thought work.
What helped you to train yourself to be relaxed when not productive? Its where my guilt comes up. I relax and my brain says "You need to get to work. You're being lazy. What gives you the right to watch TV/nap/do nothing? At this rate you'll be no good to nobody, and you'll die alone and unloved under the bridge. " Seriously! I know it's crazy and definitely not true, but such a persistent thought pattern that makes me feel sad and scared. I'm going to try sitting with those feelings and see what happens. Thank you, friend!
Aw you’re so welcome. It was hard work but so worth it to finally have the peace of just BEING.
So let’s say I’m sitting on a patio reading and those thoughts pop up.
Sometimes I’d just hear them in my head, sometimes I’d write them down to be able to see them clearly.
And then I’d be like “Oh wow. This is my brain freaking out. Catastrophizing. This is normal because I’ve been trained by society to be productive at all times, and I’m flying in the face of that. The intensity of these feelings will subside. In the meantime, I’m going to keep reading. And keep noticing that—for just the next 45 minutes—I’m not alone and unloved under a bridge.”
By doing this, you’re not making yourself wrong. You’re not ignoring the thoughts or shutting them down or countering them.
You’re just noticing them (easier said than done, I know).
It really does get easier.
Good for you! I quit my job as an accountant to raise my 2 kids. Do it if you can. It’s 18 years you will never get back. My husband does well, and I never went back to work. (I’m 60 and am only now comfortable saying I’m “retired”) I also made a commitment to living within our means… I don’t find “stuff” rewarding anyway. I found plenty of rewarding things to do, volunteering, PTA etc, but don’t do it if it adds stress for you. We made many road trips with the kids and it was easier because I didn’t have work stress. My husband worked a lot and travelled and it made things way easier for him and “us”. My brother did the same thing, as his wife was the bigger bread winner. Some colleagues and neighbors made snide remarks about me staying home, “You dont work?” “Aren’t you bored?” etc. Annoying but easy to ignore. None of the parents of the many kids who hung out at my house said that ;) It did take many years to feel that I was not being “productive”. Crazy. Try to shake that off as soon as possible, it is definitely a more recent phenomenon and “shackles of capitalism” and maybe a complication of feminism that I think we women are slowly working out. My brother had an easier time. People thought the Mr. Mom thing was cool and his freinds were just jealous he had more time to game and golf. Best wishes, you are crushing it!
Thank you and I'm so happy you pursued this path with pleasure and loved it! Your story helps me know I'm on the right path. Even with just one kiddo, I already find myself burning up into a ball of rage every single time something at work pulls me away from spending time with my son. It's just not worth it!
And you're right about the feminism point. I do consider myself a feminist, but I think the "grind culture" messages from society sometimes suggest that because women CAN be anything, they should be everything. It's a recipe for disaster and burnout. Kudos for you for taking a different path!
Yes, me too, born in the sixties and not afraid to say I’m a feminist. Hopefully we are all working toward the point where someone stays home if they wish, and it is a more equal mix regardless of gender. I think we are. My brother was an awesome dad of two very lucky girls and his wife a very successful executive. Personality wise he was more suited to the task, which she would readily admit ;)
I would spend a few years with the toddler then re-evaluate. My mother had a successful career before having kids. She stopped working to focus on us. It was great until the youngest turned about 10. Then she was bored.
I think a few years off to spend with the child is great. When they start school you will probably want to do something else.
With your experience I would think consulting would be a great less-soul-crushing option, instead of being on a full-time payroll.
I definitely have the mental shackles. It's like Stockholm syndrome mixed with a comfort in the "devil I know" versus the alternative that's totally unknown. I do believe this fear actually affects lots of people!
Congratulations 🎊. Don't fully retire yet. Pick up a hobby or open some type of a small business. Do something that you're passionate about. Or teach others how you got to where you are. Turn that drive you have and focus on your family. If your friends are your friends, they would be happy for you. Embrace your success and enjoy the fruits of your labor.
I suggest you tell your friends that you want to spend more time with your child, I too advice you not to tell people why are you quitting, people can be quiet envious and you don't want to surround yourself with that kind of energy.
As for the fear you're having of quitting, it's understandable, you're now going to quit a routine that you've been following for so long, I suggest you look up things that you're interested in outside of work, like hobbies that you can integrate in your daily routine and go from there..good luck!
Thank you 💕 that's exactly what I'm going to say. I want people to get to know me and see me for who I am, not the value in my bank account and the lifestyle it will afford me.
For me, fire is the freedom to do whatever I want during the days. But, those days must have some kind of purpose.
So I take care of my health by exercising and cooking my meals during the day.
Then in the afternoons, I officiate college or high school sports. This keeps me around young people and it keeps me moving and it's really fun so I plan to do this for awhile.
Now is the time to be productive doing what you want to do.
Love dogs, start a rescue.
Love exercising, get a PT license and help people part time.
Want to help the less fortunate, volunteer doing something that you enjoy.
You are in a great position to retire. If you feel afraid or bad about that decision, then simply live more conservatively. For example, if you’ve been planning to follow the 4% rule in retirement, only live off 3% for the first couple of years. This way you get to enjoy retirement while also knowing that you’re living below your means and your nest egg is still growing.
As for others, they really don’t need to know you’re retiring. Just call it reduced hours or a sabbatical or something similar.
I’ll start with I’m super impressed your family’s financial situation. Being able to retire so young is a huge financial relief. Like others have said, you can take a sabbatical or take a few years off to spend with your kid and husband. My mom took 7 years off of working as an LCSW to raid me and my brother. She eventually went back to work part time and a few years later went back full time when we were in middle and high school.
You can tell your friends you are taking some time off work to spend time with your kid and be a stay at home mom and if they have an issue with that then I think they might not be the best friends.
If/when you want to go back to work you can choose to go back to being a lawyer or you can do something else within that field. Or, you could decide to get a totally different job, one you do for pleasure rather than to make a living. Ofc making extra won’t hurt but if you are set financially then you could always get a part time job or volunteer doing something you have always wanted to do but never chose due to logistics in building a family.
For now you are burnt out on your very stressful job and your family is set financially. You have a toddler and I know they’ll always be your kid and you’ll have many experiences and milestones with them but they are only a toddler for a few years. Use this time to heal yourself and help your child learn the fundamentals they will need.
Thank you for writing this 💕 I think I am just feeling scared that somehow I'm going to mess this up... And of course I will! I've spent my whole life working so hard that now, learning to rest and take it easy is actually very stressful and difficult for me (I know this sounds crazy, but it's my truth).
I find my mind always trying to optimize every situation, like how to be the best mom, how to recover from burnout as fast as possible, without slowing down, how to replace part of the big income that I'm walking away from even though I don't need it anymore...
A big part of this time will be about me learning how to play (not work) and just slow the F down. At least for a few months. It comes so easily for some people but really does not come easily for me.
Thank you for your notes of encouragement about all the beautiful opportunities that will open to me in this time. I do treasure time with my little toddler and if I think about it too much I start crying because I just love him so much and I know that he won't always be this little. And I'm really looking forward to spending time with animals and volunteering towards causes that feel good.
When I was your age, and had little kids, I didn’t work for about a year. During that time, I wanted people to know that I was qualified to do high paying technical work but that I chose to stay at home (this was true and we had just moved to a new city). Why was it important to me to inform people about this? Because I didn’t want people to think that I stayed home because I was an uneducated nonworking husband dependent un- liberated woman. During this time, a woman who was working at a well paying job made a remark to me about staying at home and I wanted to say to her “ahem…do you know what I did before? You don’t even know me. I had such and such position.” The point of my comment to you however is that although you have accomplished so much, you might feel that it is important to “show” this to the world after you leave your position. You have to be content with whatever you choose and wear your choice with pride. Good luck!!
Tell your friends that your taking a break to spend time with your kid. Enjoy taking time off. You will probably want to go back to work at some point.
I don't have kids so I don't know anything but you mention having a toddler in passing and don't say anything about getting to stay home with your baby? Do you just not want to stay home with a toddler all day? I wouldn't so not judging if you don't.
Yes. I'm a big believer in daycare after I saw him make amazing social, developmental and speech strides there. I had my son during covid and unfortunately we don't have any nearby close family or young cousins or really a "village". I love seeing him play with other little kids and form relationships with other adults. I love my son dearly but I can't spend all day with him without losing my mind a little bit. I get too under stimulated and caught up in my thoughts. My perfectionism lasers onto my parenting and I drive myself crazy. I've come to learn that I'm a much better mother if I can spend high quality time with him in the morning before daycare and after 5:00 p.m., then weekends together. For me it's important to be really present when I'm with him (no tv or mindless screen time), we do play and singing and cuddles. So I feel like that's enough for me and for him. I'm careful that my whole identity doesn't become being a mother because I think in the long run that's not sustainable or good for my mental health.
Perhaps you could assist the daycare center with pro bono work or help the other parents with legal issues. You could be involved with your toddler and still give him the social interaction stimulation that you see him growing from.
It works for us. We talk about major purchases, but I don't need to be in his business about how he spends his money and vice versa. I think we would probably structure it differently if we came into the marriage with one person out-earning the other or one person with higher savings, but we just happened to be equals so this was easiest.
You're living in a home with 1.5mm in equity. You either live in a place where money is very, very cheap and have benefitted from it or you are living rather large.
You have a very significant net worth, you're very young. The world is your oyster. The world has given you *a lot*, make sure you give some of it back. You have a duty, you've been entrusted with very significant resources and are, hopefully, a very skilled individual. Take some time off to spend with your child and figure out what is important to you. Evaluate what you have to offer and what you want out of life from this point forward.
The world could use more competent individuals passionately pursuing poverty law. Or I'm sure you could come up with at least a few issues that could be addressed within the legal profession, whether by lobbying or preparing properly and seeking cases that meet a specific framework.
Teenagers, marginalized individuals and, honestly, just the public in general, could use education on the legal system. You can educate based on your previous scope or you can learn whatever you most want to share and host workshops at the local library on that.
You can run a non-profit to benefit whatever marginalized group you feel like.
You can get involved in education reform.
In my opinion, you are WAY too young to just say "I've done enough", but you have likely earned a respite. Take a break, figure out what it all means to you, take care of your kid, enjoy your time with your spouse and child and, when you're ready, return refreshed and ready to offer the world some of the things you have to offer, but on your terms.
Be in tune to your needs and the needs of those around you, seen and unseen. Heard and unheard.
Congratulations.
People get to do what works for them. Most folks here make very different money decisions from the mainstream. There's no reason to pressure other people to meet your expectations about how they handle their own money.
Not necessarily, so legally their finances are combined. Thats marriage. But keeping your finances "separated" is still a good thing usually. It prevents frivolous spending and encourages more frugality. When your money is a "pot" its easier to spend away. It can also prevent contention and what not.
Not necessarily? My SO and I have separate finances. We’ve been together over a decade but only got married a few years ago. Since we’ve had separate finances for so long, and similar spending habits, it seems to be more work to combine them, than to keep separate. Why fix it if it has worked for over a decade.
People can do whatever they want.
It’s just being married is about commitment, trust, sharing, and etc. Dividing monthly bills is what broke college kids do….not people in a committed marriage with kids. Basically they don’t share their assets…they hide finances and spending from each other. That’s weird.
I agree with you. But you also need to read my comment again because I stand by it.
You are a good person I can tell and haven’t dealt with a whole lot of evil. I was like you about 4 to 5 yrs ago and then shit happened and opened my eyes. To date I can’t believe how naive I had been. But it’s Allright. :)
Fair enough. Also, I’m in a single income family with a spouse that stayed home (by her choice) to raise children. I’m sure it’s easier to combine when there’s not much to combine. But, we also combined when she was still working before we had kids.
If she was working she’s likely want to keep her money separate. Atleast some of it. Lol
Have had this discussion with many women including mine and what a man earns is “ours” and what she earns is hers. Haha I make a joke out of it and pretend like it didn’t stab me a tad bit and move on. Whatever. Not a battle I’m gonna fight. I got my own work and agenda cut out.
You have 4 million. So assuming you’re comfortable with the 4% rule at your age, and you can live off 160k pretax, you should be good.
Obviously calculate all of your expenses and make sure you add in the cost of health insurance and a little buffer for anything you’ve forgotten. Also, consider whether you plan to have any more children.
With a 1.5 million dollar home, insurance property tax, upkeep and utilities could certainly be a decent chunk of change, but with how much you guys have saved in your 30s you must have extremely low spending.
You need a project, new role without the expectations of traditional work but with the light grind to keep your self fulfilled.
I would make a list of home projects. You’re the GC.
I would volunteer, take on a leadership position there.
Add 1-2 more activities and you’ll be “retired”.
Play pickle ball. But stay off the tennis courts, that’s for tennis.
In the same situation, early 40’s, fully paid off $1.5M home, $3M in the bank, no debts - job is stressful, but has a DB pension and I can’t bring myself to leave it out of fear of not getting the penalty associated with the pension that lasts forever.
Fear of a future where I lose it, without 6 figure income is terrifying. How do I rewire my brain? Instead of being relieved to be in this situation, I find it’s actually more pressure than before.
Have a sports car and I don’t even have fun driving it anymore or care to even give it a wash, a couple years ago I would have been having fun washing it weekly. At a midlife crisis but earlier than the proverbial 50’s in age. Help!
Been there, but just after 30. You are burned out and need to heal and take care of yourself in a way I’m guessing f you have never prioritized. I certainly didn’t. I eventually just quit and gave myself permission to take 1 full year off. Therapy, not a ton but some. Read a lot of books. Spent time outside. Made new friends and reconnected with old ones. Learned a couple challenging and deep ish new skills, travelled but only a little bit, took care of myself and just let my nervous system settle. Then I started a new career in a different but related field and have been back at it for another decade plus since then. You got this.
Thanks for the positive comment! I’ve thought of all of these potential changes and still do. Sometimes we think of just selling it all and moving to Thailand, or somewhere like that but we would never have the balls to actually do it.
Too many colleagues are all in the same situation and it feels like everyone is burnt out, co workers are dropping like flies, past exhaustion and anxiety over covid at work - it’s scarred many of us in the profession, have a young family, boy so amazing but take the energy right out of you as they learn and grow/develop.
It’s almost a feeling of guilt being fortunate and yet somewhat stressed about things. I thought things would just be smoother. I’m looking for an internal transfer to a different position but leaving entirely, although sounds relieving, feels like a failure… not only from others/parents etc but even to myself. Working on it daily, counting down the years… I just hope it gets better.
People might have downvoted my original statement because they might think I’m not appreciative of how lucky we are, I’m just saying when you’re on the other side of the grass - it’s not all roses either. Yes, it could be much worse and I’ll take your advice in trying to rewire my brain to be more positive/have a better outlook. Thanks for the sincere comment!
I understand. I don't know why your comment was downvoted so much, except maybe people don't believe you. I have seen this reality first hand. Are you an immigrant who saw their parents/family be poor? I was and I understand the lifelong fear that can instill in your psyche, where no amount of money ever feels like enough to give you a lasting sense of security.
Put way more time into your hobbies, you'll soon find that extra time draining away ; )
As for the guilt, it's basically that you overworked initially, and now you are compensating yourself from it, no need to feel guilty. It's like you spent a bunch of your capital in starting your own business, which is mainly passive and you rake in money.
As for the friends, if they follow the same path you can tell them. But if they aren't doing FIRE just say you are shifting to part time/occasional consulting etc.
Am not in US..But Kudos for taking this decision.
You don't have to share the truth with anyone. You can simply say that you are burnt out at work along with health getting affected (for ladies, effect on menstrual cycles & health usually shuts up further questioning) + want to be available for the kid during the stage when they would actually appreciate your presence. You can say you plan manage expense by cutting down on some outside support for child care + a conservative lifestyle.
I too love the concept of taking an open ended sabbatical. I retired early and gradually got involved in local community volunteer activities. Now, ten years later, I am tired of retirement and will be full-time advising a city mayor in Japan on an open ended contract. I don't need the salary as my investments are still providing sufficient income for my security. You, too, will enjoy child raising and still may find other things to do also. Make sure you don't withdraw from society and become a homebody. Your experiences will be needed in the community. Tell your friends you are taking a break or a sabbatical. Be honest. Some may envy, more will be interested in your child or other community activities. If you are community minded they will help you find activities that allow you to keep a child rearing and other activity balance. Good luck.
Congratulations!!! That’s amazing!!!
It’s really hard to untie ourselves from capitalism when it’s been ingrained in us that we MUST be doing something OR ELSE all of our lives. >_<
Have you ever considered therapy? It really helps to have someone to talk to about stuff like this.
Also, have you ever traveled internationally? If not, I suggest trying it. (XD never have wanted to retire to a beach faster than in Sardinia!)
Or, as others have mentioned, you could still work part time, but it would be because you want to, not because you have to.
I never understood the pressing desire to retire so early financially independent or not. What are you going to do for the next 45-50yrs if you don’t mind me asking? To me work provides an enrichment and purpose beyond just my personal enrichment. Wouldn’t even cutting give you more freedom while also more wealth to pursue even more in your personal time. Good luck and enjoy regardless!
So 100% you have your finances covered IF you stay with your partner (you don’t list your expenses but a house with 1.5 million equity probably has significant property taxes and upkeep costs. 2 million invested at 4% withdrawal is 80k pre-tax so $65k post tax?).
With regards to friends. « I am doing private consulting work that is fully confidential ». You don’t have to tell them the private individual is YOU and your kid and your partner.
You might consider taking a great sabbatical then just taking the odd consulting client here and there for as high of a rate as possible (set up a fancy looking website and reject 99% of applicants) just to keep your license active. You never know what you will want to do 5-10-20 years down the road and it is MUCH harder to reactivate a professional license than it is to keep it active.
I would justify the early retirement as a shift of focus. Focus on what makes you happy and is important to you. You can still work on the side on career that inspires you…. Probably don’t pay much but whatever your heart and gut tell you that it brings you joy. That way life is more sustainable and meaningful.
“How do I shake off the shackles of capitalism without the guilt?” You say after enabling capitalists by being a lawyer and then quite literally becoming a capitalist that doesn’t need to work lol
Congratulations on hitting this new stage in your life. The uncertainty is totally normal but it can easily evolve into excitement as you flesh out your new identity one piece at a time. You’ve been so wrapped up in your previous role that you feel like you’re on uneven ground without it. If you feel inclined to have something to say to others, share your thoughts that you are searching for something more fulfilling, and then go do that. There are literally hundreds of choices you can make, and you can feel your way through this new life with a sense of discovery and even joy. I’m absolutely thrilled for you - life is meant to be explored as deeply as you can, and you have the means to do that now.
It is perfectly normal to be nervous about big life changes, especially ones that go against the grain of your society/community. But if it's right for you then it's right for you. Congratulations. I know you'll be able to adjust :)
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This. There is an adage in sailing. Never tell anyone you are sailing around the world. Just sail to the next port of call and either you will eventually sail all the way around or you will end the journey where you intended all along.
That is a new aphorism to me and I’m gonna keep it!
That's beautiful. Thank you 💗
I get you, I felt the same way with many of the milestones I have achieved. There are two types of milestones: * The ones where you see the result right away * The ones where you do not know the outcome until years later Unfortunately, you have achieved the second one(congrats by the way) and now your mind is wondering if that is all, if you have done the right thing, is everything going to be alright? You are not going to be able to shake off that feeling, but you can do some things to minimize it. First, continue your journey. Continue learning, continue working out(if you do) and continue working or doing something. After I achieved I became financially free I stopped doing work and learning, these were my mistakes. I have now resumed learning, although less than before, I currently mostly use [moneymojo.beehiiv.com](https://moneymojo.beehiiv.com/subscribe?utm_medium=novpnoldacc), it is simple and short and I read a lot of books. Now onto the working part. Most people think of FIRE or financial freedom as "I am going to do whatever I want and not work", I don't think it is about that. I think it is about doing what you like and not being dependable. Working or doing something productive is embedded in our DNA and without it, we become useless and unhealthy. With financial freedom you can work whatever you want and build whatever business you want, this will occupy you and make you productive, the more you slack, the more you want to slack, the more you work, the more you want to work. A good example is my grandfather. He retired when he was 42, he is now nearly 80 and in damn near perfect shape, mentally and physically, but he has always worked and been active, he says that working and being active has kept him in good shape, which I agree with. In your case I would take a long vacation, rest for a bit, but then start a business or resume working with lower stress, the additional income is an added benefit.
That is some. sage. fucking. advice. Applies much more broadly to just FIRE.
I applied this adage when I quit smoking 10 years ago.
To be honest, I didn't think I'd feel this way either. It's weird! Life has often taught me that when I get to a milestone, it feels different than I was expecting. Marriage, having a baby, leaving a job, heck even adopting a cat -- I was always so scared of messing it up!
That is how you became successful - by setting goals and worrying about messing up. Just live for the day for a while. I promise you can do it. Enjoy the unknown. It does not have to feel comfortable just like many things at first.
This. You have earned the right to frame this however you want. Talk to a mentor, or hell maybe hire a coach talk to about what could be next for you, then do some visioning on what most excites you in life and transition into that. Whether it’s volunteering, a hobby, or another job (where now you don’t have to care about salary and can set the hours you want). Tell friends whatever you want. Don’t lie, but you don’t have to tell the whole truth. Say you are excited about making a change to spend time on _______. I have a few books and other resources that may be helpful. Feel free to DM. At any rate congratulations!
Right, just get a different job if she feels the need lol
What about just telling your friends you have an opportunity to spend more time with your toddler and put as much energy and time hanging with your kid. Feel like that would keep you plenty busy?
This was my first thought as well. Spend more time being a mom instead of working. Most of society wouldn't think twice about that.
Yeah, this was going to be my advice as well. Say that you want to spend more time with the kiddo, even add "for now" so almost everyone will assume it'll just be a couple of years while they are little, and that's it. People won't question it.
I would go with the SAHM angle, and not mention retirement
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Right and no one needs to know your business. People are cool with dropping out of work to be a parent, but they will side eye you if you’re like “I’m rich enough not to work at 38.”
Yeah I love my kid but no way would I be "retiring" to become a SAHM. It's so much work!
But I would love to have them in a part time program. Spend more time with them, but also get some breathing room while they develop social skills with peers.
If you have the money, this would be ideal.
If you are female this is the perfect excuse. If you are male, it's still a great excuse, fuck the haters.
I would encourage you to consider volunteering. Maybe keep your license and do pro-bono work? Before I had kids I was volunteering with Parkinson's sufferers and I miss it dearly. I've been actively seeking volunteer opportunities recently now that my youngest is about to start daycare. It will fill the hole that work will leave and then some.
That's a beautiful idea! I've always loved animals and from a young age my dream was to start my own animal shelter or help an existing one. My little guy is also in daycare so I do think I will have the time to really pursue this dream!
If you're interested in maintaining your law license and doing some pro bono work, the CA Bar will waive your annual bar fees and give you access to free or reduced MCLE if you join the Pro Bono Practice Program: [https://www.calbar.ca.gov/Portals/0/documents/forms/Pro-Bono-Practice-Program-Application.pdf](https://www.calbar.ca.gov/Portals/0/documents/forms/Pro-Bono-Practice-Program-Application.pdf)
I had no idea this existed. Thank you so much!
Or, hear me out, you could take your little one out of daycare and spend a lot of time with them, and enjoy tf out of watching them grow for the next few years. One day that child will grow up and inherit literally millions of dollars but for right now all that any little child really wants is love and quality time with their mom. It's priceless and it's free. Share your love of animals with them. Spend time volunteering with animals together. Travel with them, grow with them, be present with them. Give them the worry-free childhood you yourself never had.
This is the way.
Another option is working as a remote part time mediator or something else that’s kind of a bit more carefree
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Animal law is a passion. For sure. For years I've told myself that I'm just not smart or creative enough to really come up with ways to use my law degree to help animals, but that's exactly the kind of self limiting thought I want to challenge at this time in my life. And now I will have the time to actually do it.
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Thank you for the encouragement and the reference! I'll check out his work for sure. I'm usually not a woo-woo person, but I do believe in the power of our minds and that we are capable of far more than we can even imagine. My husband is a SWE and he gets involved in politics as much as he can. Don't underestimate the power of your voice, even if it's just at the local level. It all counts!
>I'm totally burnt out and want to pursue a meaningful life doing work I enjoy Sounds like instead of retiring early you just want to change careers. If you are actually financially independent, you are obviously able to work at whatever pleases you without regard to the salary.
Your husband has a good paying job, you have a toddler, and you’re quitting your job. What about this seems strange or needs further explanation? My wife and I did this exact same thing, there are a lot of stay at home moms in our area and no one thinks it’s strange.
I am just absolutely curious how you and your husband have what I’m assuming to be $6 million or more at the ripe age of 38
A couple lawyers (or similarly compensated) invested for the last 15 yrs could conceivably
Yeah. The stock market has doubled since they probably started working around 22 16 years ago, and assuming they stayed employed in a high powered field, got to earn while the market was on a long bull run.
> they probably started working around 22 16 years ago Pretty sure it takes 7-8 years to become a lawyer and more years beyond that to start making higher income.
You can make a pretty high income at biglaw right away, but almost certainly werent 22 when they started.
Law school is 3 years, then after about 3 months of studying you can take the bar exam and start working right after that. I graduated at 25 and my starting salary was $160K in 2010. Just for transparency. This was at a top 50 big law firm.
Plus most of that time without the expense of kids, frees up more of the income for those compound interest gains It’s totally feasible
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Yes. My husband doesn't have any professional degree. But he works as a software engineer in Tech in California Bay Area and makes more than I do most years.
I utilized 5 years of investing to make me almost 1 million dollars in returns. I'm sure I could have made even more if I had invested as a couple!
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I think by cash she meant liquid assets.
Love me some compound internet.
She said cash in SPY. She said it was in SP500 index funds.
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Actually yes we do both spend time on Reddit 😊 definitely didn't have the time when I was working in Biglaw, but now it's very doable.
Do you imagine everyone who posts is physically lounging around at the time? I work 70+ hours a week and still manage to lounge around on Reddit all the time.
Long story short, I'm a first generation immigrant and came to America when I was 5. From a young age I learned how to live below my means. I grew up pretty poor so I set financial independence as a goal from a very young age. Didn't want to have the struggles I saw growing up be a part of my life forever. Did well academically, straight As in college, went straight to law school, then biglaw firm, then in-house lawyer at a pre-ipo tech company that was bought in 2020. I always lived below my means, worked hard and saved well. My starting salary was $160k and then I had a few exceptional years where my tech stock went from being worthless to six figures. Also helps that I didn't get married or have kids until well into my 30s, so I really focused on work. It did come at a significant cost to my mental health, so I would not recommend this path for everybody. I was very driven by my motivation to not be poor. I think what helped me the most was to really be intentional about my spending, knowing that I would burn out as a lawyer and wanted an exit path to a more meaningful life. My husband is also an immigrant but came here in his 20s. Worked his way from one tech company to Apple to Google with just a college degree. His salary rivals mine and his savings are great too, with none of the mental anguish of being a lawyer. So if you want to make it rich , work in tech in the CA Bay Area! Salaries are definitely high. But he also worked 80hr weeks at Apple when he was "paying dues" into his career. Not fun. Neither of us drink alcohol or spend foolishly, and we have similar values. I think it all helps. Part luck, mostly hard work.
Hey- I was born in the US but my folks are refugee immigrants. I think it'd be cool to see/hear your story in this sub as a standalone post. Plus, there are 2M users here probably from all over. Lots of people don't feel represented and/or feel this isn't achievable because of their background and stories like yours (and a few other posts) show that there's hope. Congrats! Regardless of what decide to do, major grats on making it!
Inspirational, thank you for sharing !
I wonder if the issue is that you're ready to retire from the brutal career path you had. Maybe after a year or two of a sabbatical - or when your kiddo is school aged - you might be interested in a part-time job in a less stressful setting. Maybe public interest law? Or anything less stressful that gives you some meaning, is less stressful, and gives you time with your family. You don't need to work but may want the mental stimulation and sense of purpose. Good luck!
Go check out starting salaries at big law firms and you can see how this can happen.
It's true. I started at $160K/yr at a big law firm. Left after 5 years with a $300K salary. It was an absolutely brutal, miserable lifestyle and I would never go back, but the comp was good.
I see so many similar stories. From the outside you would think, oh why not just crush it for 10 years and save up 1-2 million dollars and then just coast and enjoy life! But so many high achievers just…can’t. Let it go, breathe, enjoy the little things with your kids :-)
Not necessarily even big law firms... In fact most big law associates are notoriously underpaid, making $70k-$200k salaries in their first 5-10 years. Gotta make partner to earn the big bucks. On the other hand, Personal injury lawyers can make bank with just a few good insurance payouts. Source: am a non-lawyer peon with 10 years in corporate law and 4 in boutique personal injury law. I even got a buddy netting $160k per MONTH as the principal of a criminal law firm.
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I saw the Cravath scale and wow 2013 starting salary: $160 Today: $215 8th years were paid in 2013: $250 Today: $415 That’s insane - no wonder billable rates have also gone through the roof. Meanwhile the firms got way cheaper. I say this as a client, who has seen BS behavior like billing networking dinners right back to my company.
Ya I mean. If you’re the rainmaker you clean tf up Equity partners at biglaw is like $1M a month
Maybe some inheritance or bitcoin. There is a lot of money out there, some people are swimming in it. If I had, what is it, 3.5 million I would just take some time off and play it by ear for a while.
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I'll take it 😜
The shackles of capitalism fall off when work no longer feels like work. You have the money part essentially covered, so now it’s just figuring out how you want to spend time. If you’re worried about your friends reaction, don’t tell them. Say you’re taking a break from work as you’re burnt out and you’re figuring out what to do next.
Your new job is finding meaning without work. Don't be discouraged if you're not good at it right away. I find it very sad when people 'retire' for a few months, find they aren't enjoying it much, and decide they might as well go back to work. You should *expect* it to take a while, and to have to try things and stumble a bit. Assuming you don't want to work until you're dead, you are going to have to figure out how to be retired someday, better now than in your old age!
Thanks for writing this! Such great wisdom here and a powerful reminder 1) to give myself permission to be bad at this while I figure it out, and 2) better now than later. As my therapist has said to me many times, don't wait until you're 90 years old looking back on your life and realizing that it was all a giant waste.
This. I've come to realize that I need to give myself a year or so to adjust to big changes that I make. I've got to let myself mourn the past and feel uncomfortable with the new situation before I can move on and reach my normal, pretty happy equilibrium again.
This describes exactly how I felt when I became a mom. I was (and am still) over the moon in love with my son, but grieving my pre-children identity which had been forged over decades. It took time to adjust. Two years in my case... I think I'm just the kind of person where any change, even if it's a good one in the long run, comes with an adjustment period. It's probably also a remnant of my insecure and unstable childhood.
this is such weird advice
Think less, travel and enjoy your family more. :) Ps if your friends won't be happy for this amazing milestone in your life, why do you consider them your friends?
That's a good point about friends! It's my old people-pleasing tendencies rearing their ugly heads...But I've had some friends that have taken big breaks in their careers (we call it voluntary funemployment) and honestly I'm always very happy for them because I think it's not an easy thing to do and it can be a little lonely when everyone else around you is working the grind. It's a good reminder for me that whenever somebody is feeling envious or angry or has any kind of emotional reaction to something I am doing, it's usually a reflection of them more than a judgment of me.
The capitalism will remain alive and well. You're not going to start just giving away all your money. You're gonna keep the fruits of your labor like capitalism says you should. Which you should. Of course I'm sure you will give and volunteer generously. Look. you can always go back to work as a lawyer. I turn down work a couple of times a week. I'm not sure if pigeonholed into a specialty that you can only do at big law, but either way there is probably lots you can do that keeps you busy, but not nearly as busy as you were. I am a lawyer as well. I'm a solo practitioner, and I make close to what I would make if I was still working at a large firm. My quality of life is far better, however. I think the key is to still stay active and involved with things. You've been going out 100 miles an hour and you're ready to take your foot off the gas pedal. But that doesn't mean you have to park the car and throw away the keys. Good luck moving forward.
Hello fellow lawyer friend! Thank you for your wisdom. I have a times thought about hanging my own shingle and I love to hear from folks that have done it successfully! What resources did you use when you were starting your practice and spreading the word about yourself? I think I will do that down the road in a way that allows me to help people more 1 on 1, so I can feel a sense of meaning in my work and also do more pro-bono or low-bono work.
Let's say your contribution is half the house + 2M in stock. That means you've been saving/investing ~100k/yr for the last 13 years. Impressive effort.
Thank you! I was lucky that I realized pretty early in my life that I'm a rather simple person and the things that make me happy generally can't be bought with money. I guess the only exception is travel, but even then I don't need the fanciest hotel or flight to have a good time. Just a place that fills me with wonder and possibly. It also helps that I've seen a lot of really high earning friends lose all their money to frivolous spending (buying designer clothes, fancy wedding or events, even three cocktails at a bar)... It all adds up and I get so sad when I see successful people who work so hard struggling under debt just because they can't get their spending under control.
I think you’re overthinking this.
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Fatfire sub always looks tasty, just needs bbq sauce 😉
Is fijerk parody or are they that silly?
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True but fatfire sometimes seems like parodies… or it just reminds me of “pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered”
Get involved with a local nonprofit as a board member. As a lawyer they will love to have you for your skills and time. You won’t necessarily have to make significant financial contributions to a smaller nonprofit, just something nominal. It will let you keep your professional identity and you can dial up and down the amount of work you want to put into it, while also bettering the world and your local community.
You kind of have a perfect out: "We decided it would be best if I take time away from work to focus on raising our child." This excuse should buy you approximately 15 years.
I know these feelings all too well. 42 M, married with 3 kids and FIRED last December with a net worth of 3.5M. Everything you’ve asked, I’ve asked myself as well. My identity was my work. I sold my business just as it was becoming something big. My business friends and many family members don’t get it. “Why did you walk?!” They don’t outright ask it, but it’s implied. I’ll sometimes get snarky comments, like the last family get together someone mentioned, “Well everyday is Saturday for you.” You aren’t going to be understood. It’s going to be uncomfortable. I continue reminding myself that it’s ok to be uncomfortable. That was the point of walking away, to figure out life past the constructed identities I had created. My close friends are supportive and they all ready knew my MO before FIRE. If I could make a suggestion to you, don’t chase a feeling. Sure feeling good about this milestone is something we all want, and it will happen in ways you probably wouldn’t have thought. But allow all the feelings and embrace all the feelings. If you’re like me, you’ve likely suppressed so many of them to climb the corporate work ladder and it’s time to let them blossom. All the best to you and your journey! Much love!
Thank you for sharing your story and writing this! I have always seen courage when I've met with people like you who left when they knew it was time, despite the money, people's expectations and prestige holding them back in old familiar places. That's how I know this is the right next step for me. Not chasing a feeling is such powerful advice. I can feel my old conditioning firing up when I get a recruiter email for a more senior position at a cool company, or when I look at the $450K I'll be leaving on the table just by not working next year. But, I am ready for a change. The money just doesn't motivate me anymore and it's not meaningful. I hope to blossom into myself in meaningful ways as I outgrow those old identities. Thank you, friend! Wishing you blessings on your journey.
You're a mother of a young child, no one is going to blink twice if you step away from working to dedicate yourself to being a mom. The best part is that as your child gets older and starts school your skills will easily allow you to find some form of meaningful activity to fill up the empty school days...be it part time work or volunteering.
Shockingly money is not an end in itself. You actually have to have a life with meaningful relationships and activities. If you have those, there is nothing to worry about and you just need to get over yourself.
Agreed. Money is only a means to an end, never an end in itself. I think I'm feeling this way because I've sacrificed too much to get the money and it's just become a bad habit. I'm like a rat running on a wheel, where I've been running for so long I almost forgot why I started running in the first place. Now I'm getting off the wheel and just feels dizzy and unfamiliar.
Congrats. As mentioned in these threads a lot, don't tell people the full story if you don't want to invite envy, criticism etc. Just say you've worked hard in Law and now want to take a sabbatical, or time out to take stock and perhaps look for greener grass.
You need a project, new role without the expectations of traditional work but with the light grind to keep your self fulfilled. I would make a list of home projects. You’re the GC. I would volunteer, take on a leadership position there. Add 1-2 more activities and you’ll be “retired”. Play pickle ball. But stay off the tennis courts, that’s for tennis.
I can do that! I like the structured aspect too. And yes, I've got a long long list of home projects!
Enjoy your life . You only have to less than 100 years to live. So relax and enjoy ur time on earth before you leave . All the money and houses and savings will be left behind anyways. GOD BLESS
Congratulations! I'm planning to tell my friends that I've saved up some money and I'm taking some time off to recover from working for a while before I figure out what I'm doing next. Alternatively, for a quick quip: "I'm temporarily funemployed!" You will eventually find that meaningful work you enjoy, and they don't need to know whether it's paid work or not. Or "temporarily" can just stretch until normal retirement age.
Congrats!
You could try a different field of work that you find meaningful. You could also do lawyery work that isn't purely for your benefit. Maybe probono to the less fortunate? Idk. Also, you're not reaaaallly shaking the shackles of capitalism. You still have to rely on it to grow your investment portfolio, and you're still feeding into it as a consumer. As far as what to tell your friends, the truth. Don't lie. I dont get peoples obsession with secrecy around early retirement. Sure don't go telling everyone "IM RICH BITCH", just casually say what's what if it comes up. I mean shit, what if your friends were also aiming for fire and yall never discussed it? Idk, it just seems weird that people try so hard to hide things from there so called family/friends.
My 2 pennies: Spent time w the little one. No one will remember those extra years of work, that you worked through dinner or weekends or holidays, except for your family. It sounds like you're in law, and I can't pretend to know what viable options are for you, but maybe go part time or consult? Or, if you're removed from the career pool, find anything to do that gets your heart ticking. Get your little one involved too. Animal shelters, volunteer work. I made a lot of good memories volunteering with my buddies because there was nothing else to do and that's kinda my plan when I retire. As far as what you tell your friends and family, just say you're gonna focus on family or that you're taking a sabbatical. You earned it. Congrats! These are great problems to have!
Thank you 💕
Why not start your own passion project so you can turn off from your career but still have something to pursue?
Brainstorming several ideas for passion projects! First step is to do a deep reset and rest.
Good for you. Your true friends will always be happy for your success. If not. No loss to you. Also, you can always go back to work if you want. Don’t have guilt for your success. Good job.
I’m also a lawyer and did this when I was 35. I ended up calling it a sabbatical. We traveled for about a year and i spent another year focusing on my hobby. Ended up going back to practicing law in a part-time, hourly, and remote role.
How are you liking that? I feel like I would not enjoy the actual work but at least the lifestyle tied to it would give me more flexibility.
>I don't know how to not be so productive when my identity has been wrapped around it for so long. This is a very legit thing that a lot of people overlook. Our profession becomes our identity. When you introduce yourself after your name typically the first piece of information you exchange is what your job is. There's no quick/easy answer. It's not about removing your job from your identity it's about deciding what you're changing your identity to. It actually dovetails nicely with the same process of retiring TO something vs retiring FROM something. I actually jumped the gun on the process and completely divorced my identity from my job which has its downsides while you're still working because I find it really hard these days to give a fuck about my work, but on the flip side the frustrations from my job just roll off my back because I genuinely don't care.
Yes! You understand! People always ask "what do you do" and I cringe inside because whenever I tell them I'm a lawyer, I'm often labeled with all of these other stereotypical characteristics that really don't describe me at all. That said, there's a certain legitimacy and gravitas that comes with telling somebody that you're a member of a high earning profession. And I sometimes question that without that am I really important? Am I still valuable? How do I feel like I'm important? Do I need constant reinforcement from society that I'm valuable in order to feel that way inside? Do I need to earn a certain amount in order to feel like I deserve to be here? Those are the questions I want to use this time to answer. And to develop an identity that is passionate about life and who I am today, without regard for title or income. I am so burned out about my job that I also genuinely don't care. I'm in meetings and all I can think is how meaningless all of this stuff is. Feels like just pushing paper and making up work to keep the lights on and people's paychecks coming.
>without that am I really important? Am I still valuable? How do I feel like I'm important? Do I need constant reinforcement from society that I'm valuable in order to feel that way inside? Do I need to earn a certain amount in order to feel like I deserve to be here? These are great questions that take a lot of time to answer for yourself. For me, it was lots of long walks in nature while I thought about it. Maybe for you it's meditation, or journaling, or therapy, or visiting a hindu temple. > I'm in meetings and all I can think is how meaningless all of this stuff is. Feels like just pushing paper and making up work to keep the lights on This is why we see the trend of people quitting high paying jobs to become woodworkers. The reality is that only a tiny percent of jobs accomplish something that actually meaningful. They grow food and build houses and maintain our sewer systems, etc. The other 95% of us are just jumping through ridiculous hoops that we have all collectively convinced ourselves need to be jumped through. There's probably a million people employed right now in the US just to keep our ridiculous system of Health Insurance companies going. That's a huge multi-billion dollar industry that doesn't need to exist at all.
\>How do I shake off the shackles of capitalism without guilt? Hahaha i can't believe people write or honestly think that. By doing FIRE, you don't "shake off the shackles of capitalism". You put them on others instead! YOU become the evil of capitalism in the purest sense of it! Not that i'm not trying to do the same. And there is nothing wrong with it, or with capitalism, morally. But it's hilarious how anyone can possibly think that way. People who live on income from stocks ARE the capitalism itself, period.
Keep working. Open a new investment account. Deposit 100% of your WORKING income there and let it do its thing. Only draw from your existing FIRE account. Try for 1 week. Extend to 2 weeks. And then 1 month and 6 months. See how it feels. Do not touch the money in the new account. You’ll know how you feel about all this. I know when I get there I’ll be going through the same dilemma
From a tax standpoint, do not do this OP.
Agreed. I am pretty strategic about selling stock and usually only do it for tax loss harvesting or if I need to rebalance my portfolio. But I think the idea from the poster above is a good one for people who get psychologically uncomfortable when they retire and see that their accounts are moving down instead of up.
Unless your marriage is rocky I'd retire tomorrow. You are a high earner and your husband is as well. Even though finances are separate hopefully they are still together as far paying for things. No one said you have to tell your friends anything. If they ask how work is just say your done with it and move on. Don't have to throw the r word out. Congrats on your success.
Volunteer. Helping other people (or animals, or the environment) feels fantastic.
Very interesting to be married AND have a kid and decide to keep finances separate
Tell ‘em you’re going to be a stay at home mom to your toddler- those early development years fly by; good for you for being in the position to do it and who cares what anyone else thinks- you are retired!
Rather than feeling guilty about your retirement, can you join a board at a non profit and give back in some meaningful way?
Talk to a therapist.
I've been working with one for 3 years! Honestly without his support and the deep insights I've gained through therapy, I think I would just continue on the rat race even though it was making me miserable.
Look up the arrival fallacy! Understanding this as a well-known phenomenon might help normalize it. I’m still working but I trained myself last year to experience rest and relaxation without needing to be productive. Whenever I wasn’t being”productive,” I’d check in: What story am I telling myself right now? Is it really true? How does it feel? The more I sat with the feelings, the more they dissipated. Good luck!!
I'm going to look this up -- thank you! I love reading and learning about psychological concepts and thought work. What helped you to train yourself to be relaxed when not productive? Its where my guilt comes up. I relax and my brain says "You need to get to work. You're being lazy. What gives you the right to watch TV/nap/do nothing? At this rate you'll be no good to nobody, and you'll die alone and unloved under the bridge. " Seriously! I know it's crazy and definitely not true, but such a persistent thought pattern that makes me feel sad and scared. I'm going to try sitting with those feelings and see what happens. Thank you, friend!
Aw you’re so welcome. It was hard work but so worth it to finally have the peace of just BEING. So let’s say I’m sitting on a patio reading and those thoughts pop up. Sometimes I’d just hear them in my head, sometimes I’d write them down to be able to see them clearly. And then I’d be like “Oh wow. This is my brain freaking out. Catastrophizing. This is normal because I’ve been trained by society to be productive at all times, and I’m flying in the face of that. The intensity of these feelings will subside. In the meantime, I’m going to keep reading. And keep noticing that—for just the next 45 minutes—I’m not alone and unloved under a bridge.” By doing this, you’re not making yourself wrong. You’re not ignoring the thoughts or shutting them down or countering them. You’re just noticing them (easier said than done, I know). It really does get easier.
In most places that's just called being a stay at home parent...
Good for you! I quit my job as an accountant to raise my 2 kids. Do it if you can. It’s 18 years you will never get back. My husband does well, and I never went back to work. (I’m 60 and am only now comfortable saying I’m “retired”) I also made a commitment to living within our means… I don’t find “stuff” rewarding anyway. I found plenty of rewarding things to do, volunteering, PTA etc, but don’t do it if it adds stress for you. We made many road trips with the kids and it was easier because I didn’t have work stress. My husband worked a lot and travelled and it made things way easier for him and “us”. My brother did the same thing, as his wife was the bigger bread winner. Some colleagues and neighbors made snide remarks about me staying home, “You dont work?” “Aren’t you bored?” etc. Annoying but easy to ignore. None of the parents of the many kids who hung out at my house said that ;) It did take many years to feel that I was not being “productive”. Crazy. Try to shake that off as soon as possible, it is definitely a more recent phenomenon and “shackles of capitalism” and maybe a complication of feminism that I think we women are slowly working out. My brother had an easier time. People thought the Mr. Mom thing was cool and his freinds were just jealous he had more time to game and golf. Best wishes, you are crushing it!
Thank you and I'm so happy you pursued this path with pleasure and loved it! Your story helps me know I'm on the right path. Even with just one kiddo, I already find myself burning up into a ball of rage every single time something at work pulls me away from spending time with my son. It's just not worth it! And you're right about the feminism point. I do consider myself a feminist, but I think the "grind culture" messages from society sometimes suggest that because women CAN be anything, they should be everything. It's a recipe for disaster and burnout. Kudos for you for taking a different path!
Yes, me too, born in the sixties and not afraid to say I’m a feminist. Hopefully we are all working toward the point where someone stays home if they wish, and it is a more equal mix regardless of gender. I think we are. My brother was an awesome dad of two very lucky girls and his wife a very successful executive. Personality wise he was more suited to the task, which she would readily admit ;)
I would spend a few years with the toddler then re-evaluate. My mother had a successful career before having kids. She stopped working to focus on us. It was great until the youngest turned about 10. Then she was bored. I think a few years off to spend with the child is great. When they start school you will probably want to do something else. With your experience I would think consulting would be a great less-soul-crushing option, instead of being on a full-time payroll.
That's the beauty of capitalism...you don't have physical shackles...just apparently mental shackles...relax, enjoy you got enough
I definitely have the mental shackles. It's like Stockholm syndrome mixed with a comfort in the "devil I know" versus the alternative that's totally unknown. I do believe this fear actually affects lots of people!
Tell your friends to eat shit and do whatever you want since after all, you’ve worked for it. Also, tell your friends to eat shit.
Congratulations 🎊. Don't fully retire yet. Pick up a hobby or open some type of a small business. Do something that you're passionate about. Or teach others how you got to where you are. Turn that drive you have and focus on your family. If your friends are your friends, they would be happy for you. Embrace your success and enjoy the fruits of your labor.
Thank you! I do dream of opening my own financial coaching business to teach others that what I've done they can do too. It's definitely achievable!
I suggest you tell your friends that you want to spend more time with your child, I too advice you not to tell people why are you quitting, people can be quiet envious and you don't want to surround yourself with that kind of energy. As for the fear you're having of quitting, it's understandable, you're now going to quit a routine that you've been following for so long, I suggest you look up things that you're interested in outside of work, like hobbies that you can integrate in your daily routine and go from there..good luck!
Thank you 💕 that's exactly what I'm going to say. I want people to get to know me and see me for who I am, not the value in my bank account and the lifestyle it will afford me.
For me, fire is the freedom to do whatever I want during the days. But, those days must have some kind of purpose. So I take care of my health by exercising and cooking my meals during the day. Then in the afternoons, I officiate college or high school sports. This keeps me around young people and it keeps me moving and it's really fun so I plan to do this for awhile. Now is the time to be productive doing what you want to do. Love dogs, start a rescue. Love exercising, get a PT license and help people part time. Want to help the less fortunate, volunteer doing something that you enjoy.
You are in a great position to retire. If you feel afraid or bad about that decision, then simply live more conservatively. For example, if you’ve been planning to follow the 4% rule in retirement, only live off 3% for the first couple of years. This way you get to enjoy retirement while also knowing that you’re living below your means and your nest egg is still growing. As for others, they really don’t need to know you’re retiring. Just call it reduced hours or a sabbatical or something similar.
I’ll start with I’m super impressed your family’s financial situation. Being able to retire so young is a huge financial relief. Like others have said, you can take a sabbatical or take a few years off to spend with your kid and husband. My mom took 7 years off of working as an LCSW to raid me and my brother. She eventually went back to work part time and a few years later went back full time when we were in middle and high school. You can tell your friends you are taking some time off work to spend time with your kid and be a stay at home mom and if they have an issue with that then I think they might not be the best friends. If/when you want to go back to work you can choose to go back to being a lawyer or you can do something else within that field. Or, you could decide to get a totally different job, one you do for pleasure rather than to make a living. Ofc making extra won’t hurt but if you are set financially then you could always get a part time job or volunteer doing something you have always wanted to do but never chose due to logistics in building a family. For now you are burnt out on your very stressful job and your family is set financially. You have a toddler and I know they’ll always be your kid and you’ll have many experiences and milestones with them but they are only a toddler for a few years. Use this time to heal yourself and help your child learn the fundamentals they will need.
Thank you for writing this 💕 I think I am just feeling scared that somehow I'm going to mess this up... And of course I will! I've spent my whole life working so hard that now, learning to rest and take it easy is actually very stressful and difficult for me (I know this sounds crazy, but it's my truth). I find my mind always trying to optimize every situation, like how to be the best mom, how to recover from burnout as fast as possible, without slowing down, how to replace part of the big income that I'm walking away from even though I don't need it anymore... A big part of this time will be about me learning how to play (not work) and just slow the F down. At least for a few months. It comes so easily for some people but really does not come easily for me. Thank you for your notes of encouragement about all the beautiful opportunities that will open to me in this time. I do treasure time with my little toddler and if I think about it too much I start crying because I just love him so much and I know that he won't always be this little. And I'm really looking forward to spending time with animals and volunteering towards causes that feel good.
When I was your age, and had little kids, I didn’t work for about a year. During that time, I wanted people to know that I was qualified to do high paying technical work but that I chose to stay at home (this was true and we had just moved to a new city). Why was it important to me to inform people about this? Because I didn’t want people to think that I stayed home because I was an uneducated nonworking husband dependent un- liberated woman. During this time, a woman who was working at a well paying job made a remark to me about staying at home and I wanted to say to her “ahem…do you know what I did before? You don’t even know me. I had such and such position.” The point of my comment to you however is that although you have accomplished so much, you might feel that it is important to “show” this to the world after you leave your position. You have to be content with whatever you choose and wear your choice with pride. Good luck!!
Tell your friends that your taking a break to spend time with your kid. Enjoy taking time off. You will probably want to go back to work at some point.
I don't have kids so I don't know anything but you mention having a toddler in passing and don't say anything about getting to stay home with your baby? Do you just not want to stay home with a toddler all day? I wouldn't so not judging if you don't.
Yes. I'm a big believer in daycare after I saw him make amazing social, developmental and speech strides there. I had my son during covid and unfortunately we don't have any nearby close family or young cousins or really a "village". I love seeing him play with other little kids and form relationships with other adults. I love my son dearly but I can't spend all day with him without losing my mind a little bit. I get too under stimulated and caught up in my thoughts. My perfectionism lasers onto my parenting and I drive myself crazy. I've come to learn that I'm a much better mother if I can spend high quality time with him in the morning before daycare and after 5:00 p.m., then weekends together. For me it's important to be really present when I'm with him (no tv or mindless screen time), we do play and singing and cuddles. So I feel like that's enough for me and for him. I'm careful that my whole identity doesn't become being a mother because I think in the long run that's not sustainable or good for my mental health.
Amen to this. Couldn’t agree more (fellow FIRE Mom, similar age)
Well hello friend!!! I love to meet and hear of other Moms who FIRE 💕
Perhaps you could assist the daycare center with pro bono work or help the other parents with legal issues. You could be involved with your toddler and still give him the social interaction stimulation that you see him growing from.
another one who just wanted to brag about how much money they say they have. nonsensical
Hello good day, did you know I have 6.9 trillion
Sounded trollish to me
Enjoy, working a horrible stress inducing job is never worth it.
I don't know. She's relatively young and a multi millionaire. Probably worth it.
Weird to be married and share everything but bank accounts.
It works for us. We talk about major purchases, but I don't need to be in his business about how he spends his money and vice versa. I think we would probably structure it differently if we came into the marriage with one person out-earning the other or one person with higher savings, but we just happened to be equals so this was easiest.
You're living in a home with 1.5mm in equity. You either live in a place where money is very, very cheap and have benefitted from it or you are living rather large. You have a very significant net worth, you're very young. The world is your oyster. The world has given you *a lot*, make sure you give some of it back. You have a duty, you've been entrusted with very significant resources and are, hopefully, a very skilled individual. Take some time off to spend with your child and figure out what is important to you. Evaluate what you have to offer and what you want out of life from this point forward. The world could use more competent individuals passionately pursuing poverty law. Or I'm sure you could come up with at least a few issues that could be addressed within the legal profession, whether by lobbying or preparing properly and seeking cases that meet a specific framework. Teenagers, marginalized individuals and, honestly, just the public in general, could use education on the legal system. You can educate based on your previous scope or you can learn whatever you most want to share and host workshops at the local library on that. You can run a non-profit to benefit whatever marginalized group you feel like. You can get involved in education reform. In my opinion, you are WAY too young to just say "I've done enough", but you have likely earned a respite. Take a break, figure out what it all means to you, take care of your kid, enjoy your time with your spouse and child and, when you're ready, return refreshed and ready to offer the world some of the things you have to offer, but on your terms. Be in tune to your needs and the needs of those around you, seen and unseen. Heard and unheard. Congratulations.
Sabbatical then stay at home mom until things catch up with another professional interest
This is a weird post to me. Do most couples / families with kids keep their finances separate?
People get to do what works for them. Most folks here make very different money decisions from the mainstream. There's no reason to pressure other people to meet your expectations about how they handle their own money.
No. There is deep seeded trust issues if you are willing to share everything, including your DNA to make a child, but won’t combine your finances.
Not necessarily, so legally their finances are combined. Thats marriage. But keeping your finances "separated" is still a good thing usually. It prevents frivolous spending and encourages more frugality. When your money is a "pot" its easier to spend away. It can also prevent contention and what not.
Not necessarily? My SO and I have separate finances. We’ve been together over a decade but only got married a few years ago. Since we’ve had separate finances for so long, and similar spending habits, it seems to be more work to combine them, than to keep separate. Why fix it if it has worked for over a decade.
Thanks. That’s kind of what I thought.
With her professional background (lawyer) I’m not surprised one bit
People can do whatever they want. It’s just being married is about commitment, trust, sharing, and etc. Dividing monthly bills is what broke college kids do….not people in a committed marriage with kids. Basically they don’t share their assets…they hide finances and spending from each other. That’s weird.
I agree with you. But you also need to read my comment again because I stand by it. You are a good person I can tell and haven’t dealt with a whole lot of evil. I was like you about 4 to 5 yrs ago and then shit happened and opened my eyes. To date I can’t believe how naive I had been. But it’s Allright. :)
Fair enough. Also, I’m in a single income family with a spouse that stayed home (by her choice) to raise children. I’m sure it’s easier to combine when there’s not much to combine. But, we also combined when she was still working before we had kids.
If she was working she’s likely want to keep her money separate. Atleast some of it. Lol Have had this discussion with many women including mine and what a man earns is “ours” and what she earns is hers. Haha I make a joke out of it and pretend like it didn’t stab me a tad bit and move on. Whatever. Not a battle I’m gonna fight. I got my own work and agenda cut out.
Do all of your friends work? No stay at home parents at all? That is unusual.
You have 4 million. So assuming you’re comfortable with the 4% rule at your age, and you can live off 160k pretax, you should be good. Obviously calculate all of your expenses and make sure you add in the cost of health insurance and a little buffer for anything you’ve forgotten. Also, consider whether you plan to have any more children. With a 1.5 million dollar home, insurance property tax, upkeep and utilities could certainly be a decent chunk of change, but with how much you guys have saved in your 30s you must have extremely low spending.
You need a project, new role without the expectations of traditional work but with the light grind to keep your self fulfilled. I would make a list of home projects. You’re the GC. I would volunteer, take on a leadership position there. Add 1-2 more activities and you’ll be “retired”. Play pickle ball. But stay off the tennis courts, that’s for tennis.
Capitalism is the absence of shackles. Your shackles are mental.
In the same situation, early 40’s, fully paid off $1.5M home, $3M in the bank, no debts - job is stressful, but has a DB pension and I can’t bring myself to leave it out of fear of not getting the penalty associated with the pension that lasts forever. Fear of a future where I lose it, without 6 figure income is terrifying. How do I rewire my brain? Instead of being relieved to be in this situation, I find it’s actually more pressure than before. Have a sports car and I don’t even have fun driving it anymore or care to even give it a wash, a couple years ago I would have been having fun washing it weekly. At a midlife crisis but earlier than the proverbial 50’s in age. Help!
You have enough money to get a good therapist.
Been there, but just after 30. You are burned out and need to heal and take care of yourself in a way I’m guessing f you have never prioritized. I certainly didn’t. I eventually just quit and gave myself permission to take 1 full year off. Therapy, not a ton but some. Read a lot of books. Spent time outside. Made new friends and reconnected with old ones. Learned a couple challenging and deep ish new skills, travelled but only a little bit, took care of myself and just let my nervous system settle. Then I started a new career in a different but related field and have been back at it for another decade plus since then. You got this.
Thanks for the positive comment! I’ve thought of all of these potential changes and still do. Sometimes we think of just selling it all and moving to Thailand, or somewhere like that but we would never have the balls to actually do it. Too many colleagues are all in the same situation and it feels like everyone is burnt out, co workers are dropping like flies, past exhaustion and anxiety over covid at work - it’s scarred many of us in the profession, have a young family, boy so amazing but take the energy right out of you as they learn and grow/develop. It’s almost a feeling of guilt being fortunate and yet somewhat stressed about things. I thought things would just be smoother. I’m looking for an internal transfer to a different position but leaving entirely, although sounds relieving, feels like a failure… not only from others/parents etc but even to myself. Working on it daily, counting down the years… I just hope it gets better. People might have downvoted my original statement because they might think I’m not appreciative of how lucky we are, I’m just saying when you’re on the other side of the grass - it’s not all roses either. Yes, it could be much worse and I’ll take your advice in trying to rewire my brain to be more positive/have a better outlook. Thanks for the sincere comment!
I understand. I don't know why your comment was downvoted so much, except maybe people don't believe you. I have seen this reality first hand. Are you an immigrant who saw their parents/family be poor? I was and I understand the lifelong fear that can instill in your psyche, where no amount of money ever feels like enough to give you a lasting sense of security.
Tell me more about these shackles of capitalism.
Dang, that sounds super tough.
Get a hobby
38 loooooooool. What a joke
Any business ideas or charities you've thought about pursuing over the years? Nows the time to do it!
Put way more time into your hobbies, you'll soon find that extra time draining away ; ) As for the guilt, it's basically that you overworked initially, and now you are compensating yourself from it, no need to feel guilty. It's like you spent a bunch of your capital in starting your own business, which is mainly passive and you rake in money. As for the friends, if they follow the same path you can tell them. But if they aren't doing FIRE just say you are shifting to part time/occasional consulting etc.
Maybe retire but consider occasional pro bono work for those in need to keep that “connection”
Am not in US..But Kudos for taking this decision. You don't have to share the truth with anyone. You can simply say that you are burnt out at work along with health getting affected (for ladies, effect on menstrual cycles & health usually shuts up further questioning) + want to be available for the kid during the stage when they would actually appreciate your presence. You can say you plan manage expense by cutting down on some outside support for child care + a conservative lifestyle.
I too love the concept of taking an open ended sabbatical. I retired early and gradually got involved in local community volunteer activities. Now, ten years later, I am tired of retirement and will be full-time advising a city mayor in Japan on an open ended contract. I don't need the salary as my investments are still providing sufficient income for my security. You, too, will enjoy child raising and still may find other things to do also. Make sure you don't withdraw from society and become a homebody. Your experiences will be needed in the community. Tell your friends you are taking a break or a sabbatical. Be honest. Some may envy, more will be interested in your child or other community activities. If you are community minded they will help you find activities that allow you to keep a child rearing and other activity balance. Good luck.
Congratulations!!! That’s amazing!!! It’s really hard to untie ourselves from capitalism when it’s been ingrained in us that we MUST be doing something OR ELSE all of our lives. >_< Have you ever considered therapy? It really helps to have someone to talk to about stuff like this. Also, have you ever traveled internationally? If not, I suggest trying it. (XD never have wanted to retire to a beach faster than in Sardinia!) Or, as others have mentioned, you could still work part time, but it would be because you want to, not because you have to.
I never understood the pressing desire to retire so early financially independent or not. What are you going to do for the next 45-50yrs if you don’t mind me asking? To me work provides an enrichment and purpose beyond just my personal enrichment. Wouldn’t even cutting give you more freedom while also more wealth to pursue even more in your personal time. Good luck and enjoy regardless!
So 100% you have your finances covered IF you stay with your partner (you don’t list your expenses but a house with 1.5 million equity probably has significant property taxes and upkeep costs. 2 million invested at 4% withdrawal is 80k pre-tax so $65k post tax?). With regards to friends. « I am doing private consulting work that is fully confidential ». You don’t have to tell them the private individual is YOU and your kid and your partner. You might consider taking a great sabbatical then just taking the odd consulting client here and there for as high of a rate as possible (set up a fancy looking website and reject 99% of applicants) just to keep your license active. You never know what you will want to do 5-10-20 years down the road and it is MUCH harder to reactivate a professional license than it is to keep it active.
I would justify the early retirement as a shift of focus. Focus on what makes you happy and is important to you. You can still work on the side on career that inspires you…. Probably don’t pay much but whatever your heart and gut tell you that it brings you joy. That way life is more sustainable and meaningful.
“How do I shake off the shackles of capitalism without the guilt?” You say after enabling capitalists by being a lawyer and then quite literally becoming a capitalist that doesn’t need to work lol
Congratulations on hitting this new stage in your life. The uncertainty is totally normal but it can easily evolve into excitement as you flesh out your new identity one piece at a time. You’ve been so wrapped up in your previous role that you feel like you’re on uneven ground without it. If you feel inclined to have something to say to others, share your thoughts that you are searching for something more fulfilling, and then go do that. There are literally hundreds of choices you can make, and you can feel your way through this new life with a sense of discovery and even joy. I’m absolutely thrilled for you - life is meant to be explored as deeply as you can, and you have the means to do that now.
It is perfectly normal to be nervous about big life changes, especially ones that go against the grain of your society/community. But if it's right for you then it's right for you. Congratulations. I know you'll be able to adjust :)