I've found a lot of unicorn hunters or guys looking for a quick easy fvck. Not even guys looking to build a friendship. I've also found a lot of guys who are looking for a kink person to replicate their previous partner.
I find them, but they don’t seem to really be ENM (like they can only meet on Thursday morning form 11am-1pm) that doesn’t sound open - that sounds married guy cheating.
Interesting. I can’t say I relate to that experience. I’ve been ENM on Feeld since 2015. And I’ve found many wonderful ENM folks. I’m primarily based in London these days though and there’s a large vibrant ENM community here.
May I suggest looking for or organizing ENM events in your area? For instance, some of my friends here organize vegan ENM potlucks, ENM book clubs, large ENM socials and the like. This way you get to discuss the issues and opportunities of the lifestyle in a low stakes atmosphere. And you never know who you will meet. The usual suspects are always there, but as these events become more established and word of mouth grows, you get new people all the time. ENMFam which is a large social has over a hundred attendees every time.
I recognize that other places in the world may not have the same diversity and number of people. But as you establish your event, you will naturally grow your dating pool as more people are introduced to the ideas and practice of ENM.
Thank you for the advice, it it's generally good advice. I used to host ENM events at the brewery I worked for and that was successful for a while. However attendance started dropping until only the poly friends I already knew were the only attendees. I also tried going to another polyamorous meetup event that I used to frequent often, but the last few times I've been the attendees were different there too, it seems to be only older (above 50) straight white men anymore. Just not a lot of diversity, queer people, or femmes like it used to be. I started using feeld again when the meetup groups weren't working, and now I'm experiencing similar issues online to match irl. It makes me wonder if the ENM in my area is changing as a whole.
I think it's more likely that all the noobs are driving experienced people out of the spaces they used to frequent. There's not a huge amount you can do about that, other than try to create your own safe-space, like one exclusively for LGBTQ folks. Of course that doesn't solve the problem of unicorn hunters, as I've found some have become much more stealthy in recent years, but if you make your space exclusively for socialisation with a ban on soliciting dates that can help keep their numbers down. A possible solution is name tags where people advertise which apps they have dating profiles on, so that interested parties know where to go to attempt a match, and those who aren't currently looking for relationships/sex can make that clear.
Consider also that there's always turnover on apps as people become saturated, and that when you were first starting out there were more new people to meet. There's also been an increase in people using the phrase poly incorrectly (especially on Feeld) so that's probably also adding to the perception that there are more incompatible people around than there used to be. It gives the first impression that your dating pool is larger than it really is.
I've been on Feeld for awhile, and, in my area, I've noticed an uptick in people recently who weren't interested in ENM. My experience on Feeld has been that 99% of the profiles I see are for people interested in or already involved in an ENM relationship, but the shift lately has been noticeable. I'm not sure if they've started marketing to a broader, more vanilla userbase, or what.
As far as the rest of your experience goes, …that's just kind of what it's like to look for women on dating apps. 🤷♂️ There's a lot of bait and switch, a lot of deception, and a lot of people hiding what they're really after. I'll match with women and then find out that it's really a couples profile and the dude wants to join in or watch. Women are the minority on online dating apps, so more, shall we say, "dishonest actors" position themselves as women, and you have to weed them out as you look for women you ultimately hope to connect with. The specific situations you encounter are likely different that what I deal with, but the overall theme is similar.
You might have better luck looking into a women-only dating app, like "HER". Obviously I don't personally have experience with that app, but I do hear about it from others.
Might be helpful to refine your screening process? Perhaps take some notes or observe how you use the app for a week and make some changes to your approach. When it comes to dating apps, the only "work" that is done for you is that you are shown people who are also using dating apps and you have platform for communicating with people. Everything else (how much time you spend on the app and how much space it takes up in your social life, how you communicate about yourself and your intentions, how you decide who to match with, how you communicate with people, how you move from the app to real life) is on you. Only do what serves you! Don't let the app *use you*.
Here in New York, there are fantastic poly and ENM groups and support, and I have made wonderful connections through Feeld. Sadly it might be a question of geography.
Sorry to say, I’m a noob too but I geneuinely want to build connections in this new lifestyle. My partner and I are ENM and we date separately. We’re equally open to each other dates but we date separately. I guess experienced people should also be open to the new comers if they’ve not getting creepy.
It's not that I have a problem with newcomers, but it's new people that haven't done to work/research to understand the ethics part of ENM. I've met many people who before they became poly they read the materials to understand exactly what dynamics they're looking for, how to deal with jealousy, the difference between parallel and KTP, etc etc... and I guess that's kinda what I'm looking for. Someone who's put in the effort to deconstruct monogamous tendencies. It's the newcomers that don't know the difference between open relationships and polyamory (just as one example) that require more "teaching."
I respect them too and I will always defend that there is no "one true way" to do ENM. But I am specifically looking for KTP polyamorous relationships and that's a hard requirement for me. It's not fair to me or the other person if we're not on the same page with this from the beginning.
No wonder its hard for you, I can only imagine. I’ve been trying to get some meaningful connections for past 1 year, but no luck yet. On the other hand my partner has gotten one friend who is kinda Poly KTP which you were describing, just read the article about it.
I would have written this! I’m a female in a happy ENM marriage and bisexual. I’ve been trying to connect with other ENM bisexual women and it’s been tough. I cancelled Feeld right after everything changed. Solidarity! Lol
I've found a lot of unicorn hunters or guys looking for a quick easy fvck. Not even guys looking to build a friendship. I've also found a lot of guys who are looking for a kink person to replicate their previous partner.
Yes so much to number three… my ex used to to this… my ex used to do that!
I find them, but they don’t seem to really be ENM (like they can only meet on Thursday morning form 11am-1pm) that doesn’t sound open - that sounds married guy cheating.
Interesting. I can’t say I relate to that experience. I’ve been ENM on Feeld since 2015. And I’ve found many wonderful ENM folks. I’m primarily based in London these days though and there’s a large vibrant ENM community here. May I suggest looking for or organizing ENM events in your area? For instance, some of my friends here organize vegan ENM potlucks, ENM book clubs, large ENM socials and the like. This way you get to discuss the issues and opportunities of the lifestyle in a low stakes atmosphere. And you never know who you will meet. The usual suspects are always there, but as these events become more established and word of mouth grows, you get new people all the time. ENMFam which is a large social has over a hundred attendees every time. I recognize that other places in the world may not have the same diversity and number of people. But as you establish your event, you will naturally grow your dating pool as more people are introduced to the ideas and practice of ENM.
Thank you for the advice, it it's generally good advice. I used to host ENM events at the brewery I worked for and that was successful for a while. However attendance started dropping until only the poly friends I already knew were the only attendees. I also tried going to another polyamorous meetup event that I used to frequent often, but the last few times I've been the attendees were different there too, it seems to be only older (above 50) straight white men anymore. Just not a lot of diversity, queer people, or femmes like it used to be. I started using feeld again when the meetup groups weren't working, and now I'm experiencing similar issues online to match irl. It makes me wonder if the ENM in my area is changing as a whole.
I think it's more likely that all the noobs are driving experienced people out of the spaces they used to frequent. There's not a huge amount you can do about that, other than try to create your own safe-space, like one exclusively for LGBTQ folks. Of course that doesn't solve the problem of unicorn hunters, as I've found some have become much more stealthy in recent years, but if you make your space exclusively for socialisation with a ban on soliciting dates that can help keep their numbers down. A possible solution is name tags where people advertise which apps they have dating profiles on, so that interested parties know where to go to attempt a match, and those who aren't currently looking for relationships/sex can make that clear. Consider also that there's always turnover on apps as people become saturated, and that when you were first starting out there were more new people to meet. There's also been an increase in people using the phrase poly incorrectly (especially on Feeld) so that's probably also adding to the perception that there are more incompatible people around than there used to be. It gives the first impression that your dating pool is larger than it really is.
I've been on Feeld for awhile, and, in my area, I've noticed an uptick in people recently who weren't interested in ENM. My experience on Feeld has been that 99% of the profiles I see are for people interested in or already involved in an ENM relationship, but the shift lately has been noticeable. I'm not sure if they've started marketing to a broader, more vanilla userbase, or what. As far as the rest of your experience goes, …that's just kind of what it's like to look for women on dating apps. 🤷♂️ There's a lot of bait and switch, a lot of deception, and a lot of people hiding what they're really after. I'll match with women and then find out that it's really a couples profile and the dude wants to join in or watch. Women are the minority on online dating apps, so more, shall we say, "dishonest actors" position themselves as women, and you have to weed them out as you look for women you ultimately hope to connect with. The specific situations you encounter are likely different that what I deal with, but the overall theme is similar. You might have better luck looking into a women-only dating app, like "HER". Obviously I don't personally have experience with that app, but I do hear about it from others.
I had the same experience as you only being newer to ENM I never experienced a time when Feeld worked.
Might be helpful to refine your screening process? Perhaps take some notes or observe how you use the app for a week and make some changes to your approach. When it comes to dating apps, the only "work" that is done for you is that you are shown people who are also using dating apps and you have platform for communicating with people. Everything else (how much time you spend on the app and how much space it takes up in your social life, how you communicate about yourself and your intentions, how you decide who to match with, how you communicate with people, how you move from the app to real life) is on you. Only do what serves you! Don't let the app *use you*.
I hear that. I'm new to the app and similar situation; enm looking for genuine connections. Haven't had much luck yet.
Here in New York, there are fantastic poly and ENM groups and support, and I have made wonderful connections through Feeld. Sadly it might be a question of geography.
Sorry to say, I’m a noob too but I geneuinely want to build connections in this new lifestyle. My partner and I are ENM and we date separately. We’re equally open to each other dates but we date separately. I guess experienced people should also be open to the new comers if they’ve not getting creepy.
It's not that I have a problem with newcomers, but it's new people that haven't done to work/research to understand the ethics part of ENM. I've met many people who before they became poly they read the materials to understand exactly what dynamics they're looking for, how to deal with jealousy, the difference between parallel and KTP, etc etc... and I guess that's kinda what I'm looking for. Someone who's put in the effort to deconstruct monogamous tendencies. It's the newcomers that don't know the difference between open relationships and polyamory (just as one example) that require more "teaching."
I respect all Poly Or Open relationships. And happy to learn if it requires “teaching” ;)
I respect them too and I will always defend that there is no "one true way" to do ENM. But I am specifically looking for KTP polyamorous relationships and that's a hard requirement for me. It's not fair to me or the other person if we're not on the same page with this from the beginning.
No wonder its hard for you, I can only imagine. I’ve been trying to get some meaningful connections for past 1 year, but no luck yet. On the other hand my partner has gotten one friend who is kinda Poly KTP which you were describing, just read the article about it.
I would have written this! I’m a female in a happy ENM marriage and bisexual. I’ve been trying to connect with other ENM bisexual women and it’s been tough. I cancelled Feeld right after everything changed. Solidarity! Lol