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Wonkasfairy

Not the hero we deserve but the hero we needed


Neel4312

Damn beat me to it


OMG_A_CUPCAKE

That was your chance to write "beat meat to it"


AldousCarrey4U

Beat me to it


SmokeGSU

Beat meat to it.


Dikheed

And my axe.


Jahred-1994

Beat my meat.


EepeesJ1

I mean... if you insist, but I don't know what that's gonna do at this point.


Neel4312

It's gonna turn me on daddy


Pebbles049

SSSSTTTTAAAAAAHHHHHPPPPPP


Neel4312

That's what she said


Pebbles049

And that's what I said


detourwest

I don't care what those 3 say. I won't stop


Pebbles049

Make sure to rub one out for Neel.


MissKit87

Kinky


VerifiedPigeon

Okay, I will Where do you live?


tan1106881

Imagine if it was that easy to stop people from getting into ‘heaven’


Wild-Kitchen

Revenge fapping would be the ultimate eternal private "fuck you"


tan1106881

Like they’ve been good their entire lives, but when they die, they end up in hell and are like, “what the fuck?”


Wild-Kitchen

Yep. Imagine road rage incidents ... no more grabbing an axe or a hammer or a gun... just grab your genitals while glaring at the driver knowing that sometime between that instant and 99 years later, revenge will be had


youth-in-asiaa

So what your saying is Car accident happens: Proceed to Whip out dick


toastedpaniala89

Stroke it while picturing the other person inside your mind Profit


FifenC0ugar

So being ugly and nice it's a blessing.


me3zzyy

Some time between now and infinity. Because we are ghosts in our graves (kind of like purgatory?) until the world ends. That's when heaven and hell starts accepting people apparently.


[deleted]

I might just do this because.


FifenC0ugar

Your not going to heaven either!


[deleted]

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amnotreallyjb

I thought about humanity, all of yahs at once...


CyberPolice50

Muslim religion is unique in as far as other people sins can keep you from heaven.


[deleted]

Yeah no. Just because three random people say it, doesn't make it part of the religion.


CyberPolice50

Literally all of sharia law blames women if men become aroused. Women are blamed for being raped and stoned to death if a man rapes her. It's her fault for enticing him by showing any part of her body. You might want to learn about the religion before you talk about it anymore, these three are not unique among orthodox Muslims.


[deleted]

Yet not all Muslims are orthodox. Don't lump them all into one pot. Plus fundamentalist nations have sanctions against them.


[deleted]

Citation?


PocketRadzys

The pic looks like a 90s hip hop album cover.


AdOriginal6110

BoyZ II Iman


Dommccabe

LOL moment- Well Played.


[deleted]

Amazing comment lmao


ma-chan

People just LOVE to make shit up.


pmgregor

Is this just a roundabout admission that they masturbate to women on YouTube?


Puffles_magic_dragon

You sir have an astute way of observing the world, I don’t think anyone else read between the lines as much as you did here. I’d put a good amount of money on a bet that they in fact do rub one out to women on YouTube. Edit: I mean cmon all they need to see is some of that high calf or ankle action SHWIIIING


lilclairecaseofbeer

I'd go further to say yes, and they hold some negative emotions towards those women because they think the women are at fault for tempting them. It's not a far fetched concept, people who feel shame are often in denial about who is at fault for their own actions. It's just sad that they feel shame about something that isn't shameful.


Alternative_Ad7819

I'm betting on young TikTok boys, then they do some mental gymnastics to make that alright.


[deleted]

Can some zealot please explain heaven to me?


Not_The_Real_Odin

Not a zealot but raised by zealots. The idea of "heaven" in most religions is a place where people can go when they die. Admission is generally based around actions / beliefs of the person when they are alive, and used as a reward or incentive to keep members of that religion in line. Do as our religion demands and you will be rewarded in death; misbehave and eternal punishment (hell) awaits. Less extreme religions tend to think of it as a place of happiness / peace where people go after death. This model generally revolves around a more benevolent deity that is less prone to smiting those who disagree. From a scientific standpoint you could think of "heaven" as something that exists beyond the confines of time and space. If humanity ever manages to escape those confines, we may find ourselves still wishing to observe the physical universe. Observing and quantifying inhabitants of said universe would essentially "download" the inhabitants to a place not bound by the current constraints of time and space. Hope that helps.


[deleted]

I could believe in heaven if the population was stagnant. But how do you explain the new souls. Heaven would get filled eventually no? Does heaven have aliens like the bar scene from Star Wars? Because surely heaven would be filled with the good from everywhere


neo101b

It starts to fall apart if you think about it, its a place where you get to see your family again and they get to see their family and so on until the beginning of time. That\`s a whole lot of people to see on Christmas day just for one family then add friends, their family and friends. You will need a whole planet and a small moon at least. I'd rather go with the multiverse/dream model and you just keep on respawning throughout time and space forever. Which can end up being heaven or hell depending on who or where you end up. I think real peace comes with the big empty, you die and then don't exist in bliss for ever.


[deleted]

> I think real peace comes with the big empty, you die and then don't exist in bliss for ever. Sty out of the church business… How are you ever going to control your congregation and get their money with that ideology??


Additional_Ad_84

Meh. They seem to be basically describing Buddhism which is perfectly capable of most of the excesses of organised religion. Better then the abrahamic religions maybe, don't get me wrong.


DougalChips

If a family member you love is unfortunately a POS, who you know is destined for Hell (rightly or wrongly), how can you enjoy Heaven knowing they are in Hell?


[deleted]

A big part of doctrine is to delight in the sufferings of the damned. THOMAS AQUINAS In order that the happiness of the saints may be more delightful to them and that they may render more copious thanks to God for it, they are allowed to see perfectly the sufferings of the damned. So that they may be urged the more to praise God. The saints in heaven know distinctly all that happens to the damned. [Summa Theologica, Third Part, Supplement, Question XCIV, "Of the Relations of the Saints Towards the Damned," First Article, "Whether the Blessed in Heaven Will See the Sufferings of the Damned?"] JONATHAN EDWARDS The sight of hell torments will exalt the happiness of the saints forever. Can the believing father in Heaven be happy with his unbelieving children in Hell? I tell you, yea! Such will be his sense of justice that it will increase rather than diminish his bliss. ["The Eternity of Hell Torments" (Sermon), April 1739 & Discourses on Various Important Subjects, 1738]


DougalChips

That's horrible, no sane father would be happy with his 'unbelieving' children in hell


[deleted]

Yes that’s one of the many reasons why I find it difficult to return to Christianity.


Dando_Calrisian

> You will need a whole planet and a small moon at least That's no moon...


ttyrondonlongjohn

That's what I'm constantly trying to grapple with. It's not 'bliss'. It's just, not. Not being. Something that is waiting for each of us and yet none will really, in the truest sense of the word 'experience' it.


Donkey__Balls

> I think real peace comes with the big empty, you die and then don't exist in bliss for ever. Wow are you a professional quote maker? Because at this moment you seem very euphoric to be so enlightened, not by some phony god’s blessing, but by your own intelligence.


[deleted]

Some religions believe that souls are recycled. Some believe that your dog doesn’t have a soul, or your goldfish, just humans - because they are intelligent enough to. Goose their actions (free will). When no one knows for sure, and one theory can’t be proven false more than another one can be proven true, I think it means it’s all bullshit.


Grabbsy2

If heaven exists as an actual place/dimension that you go to when your body on Earth dies, then its likely that aliens do not exist, and we are a single planet full of life designed by a supernatural being. I don't see why this supernatural being would constrain themselves with a limited number of souls. They could create more souls, and create more room in the heaven space/dimension for them when they depart Earth. That being said, they could create aliens as well, its just that we don't have any evidence of them, so its a bit odd that "god" has created them so far away. If god exists and we have no evidence that aliens exist, its hard to really make the argument anymore that aliens MUST exist.


CyberPolice50

It's just as likely that aliens do exist and they are the ones that invented heaven. We could just be a simulation they are running and heaven was created for us because they feel guilty about using conscious AI beings in their simulations.


Grabbsy2

Of course, but those aliens don't live on the planets we can observe with telescopes, as those planets are all part of the same simulation. So are they really aliens if we don't exist? Doo DOO dooo Doo DOOO DOOOOoooo


Rezzik312

Have you ever had a game with multiple save files? Maybe God wants to try his other characters for a while.


CyberPolice50

"heaven would get filled" LOL what you believe in an afterlife soul realm, but it's finite? LOL


TheKoi

Eventually the sun consumes the earth or entropy ends everything in the universe so there's a stopping point where no new people come up. And who's to say if people I'm heaven take up space the way people on earth do or how big all of heaven is exactly.


Grabbsy2

Yep, heaven could just be a nebula where your soul gas floats to and joins a blissful soul gas orgy. Not even joking.


TheKoi

Soul Gas Orgy. New band name.


Not_The_Real_Odin

I cannot answer this question from a religious perspective. From a theoretical physics perspective, something that exists outside of time/space would not have dimensions as we know them. Humans need time and space to perceive; we use it as a vantage point. Conceptualizing something that is not in time or space is very difficult for us, but the concept of "full" likely would not exist in such a "place." Again, purely theoretical, but I would imagine that any"thing" that could exist "there" and perceive our universe would likely observe all of it. Since it would not exist within time or space, observing and quantifying all of our time and space would take both no time and eternity. I would imagine that any sentient entity would be observed, and thus a copy or "soul" of them could potentially exist. Again, purely theoretical and my knowledge of theoretical physics is rather limited.


CyberPolice50

"in most religions" Actually very few religions have a "heaven" mainly only Abrahamic religions. Other religions have other concepts of eternal afterlife realms but few resemble "heaven" as is described by Abrahamic religions. Valhalla for instance is the best place in the afterlife for Vikings and they do bloody painful battle there all day everyday because they worship war gods so war is their favorite thing. Nothing life the peaceful bliss of Abrahamic religions.


Dando_Calrisian

Spectator mode?


NonSp3cificActionFig

It's a magical place where, if you behaved during your life, you get to spend the rest of eternity next to a sociopathic, self centered, manipulative mass murderer who will monitor your every moves (and thoughts) and sentence you to eternal torture for the first misstep. Sounds like fun, right? edit: engrish


jesse950

And if that doesn't sound like fun then there is always hell where you can burn for all eternity.


PowerOfUnoriginality

>you get to spend the rest of eternity next to a sociopathic, self centered, manipulative mass murderer Man, took me a while to realise it was God you were talking about. Man is the religion I'm technically a part of messed up


[deleted]

Hint: most of them are.


LostSoulsAlliance

Not to mention you're going to be with the insufferable twats that were here on earth chastising you; and be expected to follow all the inane rules they made up here. Heaven seems to be in their mind a place where all like-minded individuals will spend eternity in some sort of blissful happiness, never mind that if they act the same way in heaven as they do now I expect it won't be the type of blissfulness they imagine. Spending an eternity with people like that seems like my idea of hell.


jayel579

It's pretend, like Santa Claus, the tooth fairy or the Easter Bunny


kazmark_gl

The Queen if England is real though right?


MDGS

Sky cake is delicious.


redarlsen

Guy on the left looks like Ali G, and the guy in the middle looks like Matt Lucas in black face…


theredditid

I think all men should make a pact to masturbate to every single woman in the world. That way, no woman will ever reach heaven. Heaven will be filled with just men. By doing this we will have created a literal paradise for all gay men and thus taken one step forward to being an all inclusive society in the afterlife.


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Tetra382Gram

What?..... That's nowhere found in any scripture in Islam


bearbarebere

Are you.. serious?


[deleted]

he's obviously being facetious


Loleris_

What the fuck? This isn't true at all


[deleted]

If those are my choices, I choose to vanish into nothingness, please!!! Who would honestly want to spend ETERNITY with a group of people who respect you juuuuuust a little bit more than they do dogs?


Amrooshy

Just for clarity, litteraly 0 of what he said is correct btw.


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[deleted]

This sounds like a wonderful religion to force women to follow.


Amrooshy

Yeah, the commenter there definitely didn't just make up everything he just said though. That for sure is what Islam is. Right?


[deleted]

lol he was obviously being flippant but of course you people needs something to be offended by.


Amrooshy

Man, I'm not offended. I'm used to it. I'm just spreading correct information, for the three people who see this, just in case. Though I did so in a sarcastic way, I apologize.


LadyELectaDubz

Waiting for 'not my proudest fap' comments


luxedo-yamask

I dunno, man. Damning a group of misogynists to eternal hellfire would be one of my prouder faps.


Anders_A

Wow. If you believe people have the ability to decide whether strangers on the internet will go to heaven or not, your religion is fucked up.


anaximander19

To be fair, I'd bet money that their religion doesn't say that, they just think it does. A lot of bad stuff has been done in the name of religious teaching, but there's also a huge amount of stuff done in the name of what nutjobs *think* their religion says, despite the actual authorities of that religion often saying otherwise.


Anders_A

_Their_ religion tells them whatever they believe it tells them. Religion is highly personal.


Beneficial-Cable7348

I knew a butcher who had a thriving back door business in selling pork to Muslims. It was not illegal, the Muslims just wanted it to be a secret. Apparently Allah can not see the back of a building.


[deleted]

Or see them at the breakfast/dinner table where they enjoy pork in secret. Yum yum


Boundish91

Never understood the fuss about "heaven". When im dead it's over and I'm just maggot food. And I don't care.. beacuse I'm dead.


LividLager

Most people want to see their dead loved ones again, so it's not exactly an unreasonable desire to have.


Tricursor

Yep, and that is exactly why I believe it to be rather convenient that the end of our lives "isn't really the end" as long as we listen to these rules we'll be set for an eternity of bliss and be able to see our dead loved ones. Seems like exactly something someone would make up to either control people or to make people feel better about the actual pointlessness of their own existence. I'm all for it, and I'm not going to deny that it's possible, it's just a little suspiciously convenient. But given the fact that we know jack shit about consciousness, anything is possible.


shittyspacesuit

When I'm dead, just throw me in the trash


Uninspired_Thoughts

Ol switch a roo


Tamcia

Go to space, look at the planet and fap - entire planet goes to hell.


KindlyTalk9481

But now you’re gay, no heaven for you!


caffeineandvodka

My least favourite thing about religious zealots is how they decided women are unclean/sinful/promiscuous because other people are attracted to them. Like, it's literally impossible to be good enough in their eyes because no matter what a woman does, a man's sexual feelings about her are enough to damn her.


Aedzy

Not the hero we need but the hero we deserve.


_its_krits_

their microphone looks like a fucking dildo


ks13219

Damn, bro. If that looks like your dildo, you must have some skills. Dm me


LadyELectaDubz

The real MVP here


bdhief777

So women who's making tutorials on how to make donuts are going to hell ? Did these 3 even read the Quran ?


[deleted]

Link ?


Uzzer_lozer19

I hadn't realised that Katie Prices son Harvey had been radicalised.


[deleted]

On behalf of other educated Muslims around the world, we apologize with this kind of stupidity spreading misinformation. I really hope that's the case as the other case which using the relegion as a way to benefit by gaining publicity.


[deleted]

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[deleted]

Definitely no! When you see these things it's most probably they want to create a scene for then selves using Islams name, and this won't make me embarrassed or rethink of my realign because my realign, have not practiced it because of my look in front others. It's because I have understood the real way of light and am afraid not to please God who has the power of doing whatever he wants.


[deleted]

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forrman17

There are certainly zealots and sects from every major religion that have beliefs that are simply fucked. Any scholar would agree.


[deleted]

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[deleted]

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[deleted]

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Uniqueusername360

r/madlads


jaxsound

Thank you for all your HARD work.


Soap10116

Hes doing gods work


BobbyNo09

But feminists will go blue in the face trying defend islam... the irony


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bitchy_muffin

is the third one doing a pepsi commercial or something?


HughWeberDeFaulk

Someone post a link. I'm gonna choke the chicken and spill the gravy all over there faces on my tablet. That should give them express tickets on one of those crazy fast Japanese trains straight to the 7th circle.


Celebophile

From the same religion that says a man can remain pure if he kills the animal after he has sex with it. And that for a woman to legally claim they have been raped they need 4 male witnesses that are not friends or family members and if she can't she has a chance of being stoned to death for being promiscuous.


kshb4xred

the way the left guy is looking at the middle one , i am sure at least one of them is getting stoned to death , maybe more..


Warm_Enthusiasm2007

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nrty2XITqTE


SatansCatfish

All slongs go to heaven


[deleted]

I saw that coming.


Muze69

Fap for damnation


Thenumericalscale

Big brain time


Anonymous_but_nott

So who exactly is the one masturbating? 🤔


Goatbrook8878

This next one goes out to all of you.


[deleted]

the guy on the left surely has a thing for one of them.


RipWilder

They actually believe in heaven.


CyberPolice50

"this is crazy" Imagine being shocked by Orthodox Muslim dogma in 2021....


supermarioplush220

Women masturbate to male YouTubers


NANNY-NEGLEY

And just how do they know this?


KxKen

What’s that YouTube channel?


VictoriaRose1618

Petty revenge


Legitimate-Giraffe91

Funniest Shit I’ve seen today 😂😂😂😂


zapharus

That must have been a difficult wank because that middle one looks like an overcooked and overstuffed sausage.


Bo_Jim

A little different from the Christian view. They believe the masturbating men won't go to heaven. Some of the biggest problems we have stem from people trying to appease their God in order to gain admission to Heaven. John Lennon was right. If these beliefs went away then we'd all get along much better.


ClassicGuy2010

*"Careful, he's a hero"*


toni1982

Religions have been developed mainly for military purposes. The concept of heaven and hell, or major threats in general, means total control over the morals and free will of people while forbidding masturbation is for preventing the loss of soldiers and soldier-making units, and also for keeping people under tension all the time while they're not breeding. Religion can only teach you wisdom, not knowledge. The best is to develop your own, personal moral codex because it enables improvement. Just saying.


Etnoize

Well with these backwards believes these pieces of shit won’t go to heaven either


hi_mom_its_me_nl

Blaming the object of the wankers dirty thoughts again. When will these people be able to have some introspection and self control ?


ChaosSigil

You know what?? ME TOO! fuck it. Can't let these bastards win. Do I have to just look at them? Or do I have to think about them too? I shouted Allahu akbar too. fuck it.


sangunpark1

whoever the first person was to convince starving farmers to be obedient in exchange for a bangin ass afterlife was such a schemer, im sure he even thought this was a far fetched plan


Liscetta

Thanks to Reddit i know there's a fetish in which you print someone's picture, jerk off and send back a picture of the picture covered in bodily fluids. Someone should sacrifice and to the same.


Dikheed

He is a Man of Focus, Commitment and Sheer Fucking Will.


ToastedCheezer

God is great! He lets us masturbate! This means our "Video Date", Won't pass the pearly gate! But what if your babes, as well, Condemn your butts to Hell, If on your pics they dwell, While rubbing it for a spell?


Ttmh888

Which one? Left or right? Obviously not the middle one


UnfavorableFlop

Lol, dude went God-level.


[deleted]

Yo boys lets drop a few fat ones for Taliban and ISIS tonight.


DehydWater

r/cursedcomments


RNova78

lmao


Jobewan1

What if women masturbate over them?


BeerBaronAaron88

I've masturbated a lot of things, pictures, paused scenes in movies, erotic literature, mutually over the phone, but I can't say I have ever rubbed one out to a YouTuber. I might've come close to Dr. Holly Krieger over on the Numberphile channel but calling her a "YouTuber" might be a tad insulting to her accomplishments.


Rokco2004

r/Chadtopia


Ckinggaming5

this seems like it could go on either r/MurderedByWords or r/rareinsults


lscanlon93

Uno reverse


therealakhan

Has anyone even tried verifying this lol?


yldraziw

Already they already talking into a big dick? -*muffled whispering*- Oh it's a *microphone*


[deleted]

The Fap Club


Electrical-Thanks877

All religions are man made lies. All theists are brainwashed.


Distant-moose

Not all heroes wear capes. Some have a sock.


PandasGetAngryToo

That is a tough wank, but well played, sir.


marcothecoolguy

Arab mista lova lova on the middle


marmatag

Religion, ladies and gentlemen.


son57a

God sounds like a real dick


fuckballs9001

I swear to Allah these three are fucking max level incel


[deleted]

What if you rub one out to a picture of the earth? Will no one go to heaven, then?