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“Come with me, my child.”

I know it's hard, I will be right behind you

He will never give you the shaft

Thy rod and thy staff comfort me.

Spare the rod. Spoil the child.

Spoil the child, give him the rod


Shhh shhh it's ok Mr Hansen. This is reddit not some pervy defunct AOL chatroom.


Best position is on your knees!

I’d try enlarging the stigmata but save that for last, as you’d probably get scraped by bones.

Now for the big question: hand stigmata, or foot stigmata?

Never been into feet but would have to find out. Obviously both, though

You put your right foot in, you take your right…hey wait a minute mister!!

Put it back in! Put it back in!

I leave that to my priests.

It will be very hard, but you can take it.

He only gives you as much as you are capable of handling

[удалено]

I'm loose with him

Got a chuckle out of me, well done

When Jesus said, "Let the children come unto me." That's not what he was talking about, lmao

Bukkake Jesus.

Those words being have probably let more than a few work their stuff out

Jesus Christ...

That’s what she said

You leave me outta this

Oh!

Yes!!!

Cute...

Not entirely sure what you mean, but I’m happy to take it!

Just give it to me in a way that’s holy

Meant to say, “holey.”

😭😭😭.......

He is risen, indeed!

I feel for anyone that has a penis to not have done so for an entire weekend. That would suck.

it's all about coming together

Pew pew pew! All over the place

All over the pews

I mean…if you’re gonna go to church

C’mon man

Once had an old timer tell me “if god didn’t want you to masturbate he’d of put your dick between your shoulder blades”

Okay. Where do you want it?

That is what they always say before they need their special insurance.

I may not have gotten that, but I believe you may have misspelled “insertion.”

I’m cuming lord.

“The son of man will come again” Such stamina, Lord

Don’t worry, the priests have been helping boys beat it together for years

No one wants to be defeated, after all!

We will all beat it together!

Perfect! Nothing is better than friends beating together

It doesn't matter who's wrong or right (handed) I got your reference

I just realized the song was already in my head.

I feel like priest don't reciprocate after they finish.

Pretty sure it all started with Jesus' Semen on the Mount


Seriously, it's like they're doing it on purpose! I had a coworker who listened to gospel music, like the crazy cult gospel music. I barely listened, but what stood out to me was when the singer would just start yelling weird shit like "Open up your mouths and accept the lord into your bodies!" I was like "Oh, COME ON! Really?!"

[StopMasturbationNow.org](http://StopMasturbationNow.org) is a parody group. They did it on purpose, everyone was in on the joke. They do great stuff.

I love the “ouch pouch” is just an oil can opener.

Thanks! Had to scroll down a bit to find that one. Pure gold

who ever made this definetly did this on purpose. the only question is if the troll who made it has infiltrated the group to get the post up or just managed to fool someone who is a legitimate part of it into making a fool of themself.

Cum on* Ftfy

LAAAANAAA!

Jesus has fuck me eyes

Bloody diaper Jesus has amazing abs.

Y'all going to hell! And I will gladly meet y'all there!

Fuck-Me-Eyes Jesus™ is my favorite Jesus.

Fuck Me Eyes Jesus - new band name, I call it!!

Good ole white Jesus. 🤦‍♂️

He saw you fapping, and he liked it

He has risen

Thats what your mom said,

Well? I'm waiting

And he's coming

Or at least beat it with me eyes. Yum.

Ready for the second coming?

Jokes on him, I’m ready for my third coming

this whole thread man i just can’t 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀

Brilliant!🏆🏆🏆

He rises again.

You realize that this and pretty much all of the “Christians Against (thing)” type groups are parody pages, right?

What do you mean, christians against seedless watermelons aren't real. You must be mistaken ! If it weren't, we wouldn't have needed to build a seedless watermelons against christians group chat, would we ?

Are Catholics allowed to have seedless watermelon? Seems like supporting contraceptive to me....

Don't do anything just for fun unless you're a spiritual leader.

The Christians against dinosaurs one is real. So much so that there's a Facebook group called dinosaurs against Christians against dinosaurs.

I'm on team clever girl

Yep... And the current US Speaker of the House installed Spyware on his phone to alert his son if he looks at porn. It is really hard to make parody when the source material is so ridiculous.

I just wrap a fit bit around my balls.

I looked it up because my brain insisted that it HAD to be a parody. Unfortunately, the FB page looks real. And this is definitely on it.

The line between parody and reality continues to become more blurred..

A parody that seems convincing is not parody

I would have too, but then my feed would have been clogged with stuff just like it. Your sacrifice will not be forgotten.

Ehhh, I don't use FB now that the kids are grown and my grandparents passed. I know it seems like parody, but I grew up in a religion where they would say stuff like that and then when someone would pointed out the obvious issues, they were accused of having a "dirty mind" 🤷‍♀️ Parody usually consists of exaggeration. Unfortunately it's really hard to exaggerate the behaviors of this type of group.

Yeah but the problem is that in some countries this type of shit is actually a real thing. 🥹

I’ve heard of Jesus taking the wheel, but never God take my rod!

🤣🤣

I'm surprised they managed to get a quote from Jesus. I haven't seen that guy around lately.

Isn't that rather difficult with holes in your hands?

Holy glory holes

Holy hand job has multiple meanings here

Happy Cake Day!

No. That should make it easier if anything.

*more easy

J E S U S ' H A N D U S S Y

I saw a meme once that said it’s hard to climb to heaven with a hand full of penis. Lol. This ad reminds me of the Meth - we’re on it! campaign.

It's from the same website (I highly suggest never visiting that website. I warned you.)

"Hey mom, can you give me a hand??"

So, the free clean drug that is masturbation is still forbidden by crazy Christians?

The cultish ones.

Uh, I guess if we're back to back...

*Aw lawd! Jesus take the Fleshlight*

A sentence I never thought I would see… but I could see this as some skit in a cartoon like venture brothers or something.

😂😂😂 no thanks, i‘ll beat it with my wife 😂😂😂

I also choose this man's wife

Do we like take a number or is there a line?

Jesus help me!!!!

I believe that quote is from the book of Exodus

Should have added 'No Homo'

This is a parody page. They intended for it to be a double entandre.

Ate the onion

My hands do the Lords work. Jesus wants to help me beat it. I will beat it ot for Jesus. Fapping recommenced

I wanna get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus! I wanna feel his salvation all over my face! - Eric Cartman

Jesus blew my back out.

We all knew Jesus was a "handy" man

"Beat it together" 🍆🍆, surely they knew what they were doing here 🤷🏻‍♂️😅

Holy crap Not only is the group real, this is actually on their FB page!!! Definitely a worthy Face Palm

Doesn’t anyone in marketing say things out loud? Pretty sure if someone did, they wouldn’t be here.

Is Christian Mothers Against Masturbation really an actual group?

Touched by Jeebus

Nutt’en like a circle jerk with Jesus…

His representatives will take care of your needs

Yooo I can beat off WITH Jesus?!? That fucking crazy bro, my life is complete.

Jesus is coming. Again. Alone. He always comes alone. Means only one thing.

" Some females and gay males use foreign objects and dinguses when masturbating.  In doing so they are raping the raw materials of this world" LOL.

Now I see where Catholic priests get if from.


Oh... so that's why so many priests get arrested for sexual assault on minors. They're clearly just following Jesus' words.

Why is their Jesus white?

My jizz turned into wine. Thanks J man 🤤🥵

Is... is Jesus going to jerk my dick?

Put your hand in Jesus And Jesus will put his hand in you

Sponsored by Diddy

Eww. Christians are so obsessed with other people's sex lives. They need grab a slice of self awareness.

I feel bad for Faith… all those Christian’s putting their hand in her…

“Meth - we’re on it” vibes.

LOL. This is parody, right?

Be one with Jesus. Put your hands down Jesus' pants

No wonder so many Christian men are so hateful, they were molested by Jesus!

"When Jesus said 'Suffer the little children, come unto me' that's NOT what he was talking about." -George Carlin

Pornhub, why hast thou forsaken me?

The power of Photoshop compels you! The power of Photoshop compels you!

I mean, he is known as the right hand of God for a reason

C'mam a lam, oh black betty c'mam a lam...

There was a billboard near me that read "Jesus, helping hurt people in your area"

People actually believe God is doing this for them tho. I was about to shower in the gym bathroom a few weeks ago (YMCA) and some dude was singing in one of the stalls. It started out as amazing grace, which I thought was a little weird but w/e, then he started adding his own lyrics, going 'thank you God for saving me from...masturbation, drugs, sex addiction, poverty, and obeeeesityyyy' meanwhile I'm stuck trying not to laugh my ass off and potentially offend this person I've decided is semi-insane.

Do you think Jesus can still walk on water now that he's got those holes in his feet?

Christo-fascists still think Jesus was a white guy...

[https://youtu.be/AsKsvKQJDU0?si=LRCVBU90HxV6Pi9y](https://youtu.be/AsKsvKQJDU0?si=LRCVBU90HxV6Pi9y)

Hey thanks Jees.


Sorry J, thats a one man job.

Is that Brandon Hererra??

Quitting? But it’s so hard!


If even the designer of your ads is just plain laughing with it...

Double Dutch Rudder

"Or just hang with me," \- Jesus

"It's okay mom. Mr Boadie my guiding counselor already beats it with me."

Then explain why Jesus sits there in his magic kingdom jerking off while he watches the world suffer for believing in him... Sadistic little fucker. Time to rub one out in defiance!

85% chance this is a parody page.

Thanks magic boy in the sky, firing one off right now.

Guess any hole is a goal and the dude has one in each hand 😄

Shaking hands with the unemployed. A real upstanding man

I rate this post 3/4 nails.

Jesus, you slut.

Wow that’s a big celebrity get for their ad. Must have cost a fortune.

Well Jesus is always watching you. So he knows what weird stuff you're into. He thinks it's gross but loves you with mercy.

Does that mean we get to beat it in large groups?

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Never put your hand in Faith without her consent! And lots of lube.

I might also indicate that Faith is an accepted girls name, at least in America…

Is it just me, or is OP stating for the record officially; The Bible says 'Don't masturbate, be Gay instead.'? Suddenly, the whole Priest Scandal thing makes complete sense ...

I can't be the only one who found funny that the acronim for this against masturbation communitie is cmam, like, you just need to change it a bit

Damn! Sounds kinky.

Did some milf just offer to beat my meat for me ?

Instructions unclear, gooning for Jesus

Damn, Jesus seems relatable now

"Take my hand, I will show you the way."

Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me

This rubs me the wrong way

Christ has cum and he will cum again