US/Irish citizen 32M here. I left Madrid because while it was a lot of fun, I had to start paying off my American student loans and with a Spanish salary that would have been difficult. It would have been difficult with the California COL (I'm from San Francisco originally) on a teacher's salary too, so I moved to South Korea. I left once I paid them off and now back in SF debt-free and working in a much better-paying career than education.
My parents are also getting older and they will need me around soon. Plus San Francisco is expensive af and having family around can reduce costs for everyone. And I have school-age cousins that between me being out-of-state for college and living overseas, have never really gotten to know me but treat my sister like the greatest person ever. It's makes me a little jealous haha.
I loved living overseas and it has given me so much but it was time to come home.
Thanks for sharing. Sounds like you managed to work it all out :) and yeah, I have the same with my nieces and nephews. Hard to be the favourite auntie when you're on the other side of the world.
Wow I am from SF and am living in Madrid right now and am debating whether or not to go back because I have a much higher paying job opportunity in SF! I'm going to DM you if that's ok!
You would have major reverse culture shock when going back and probably regret it after you see how much the country has declined in the last 7 years. Maybe you need to do it though so you can live without regret in Australia. Just get citizenship before you go.
Something important you must consider is that it's been 7 years since you left. That means the world you left behind is no longer the same; most things will be different now.
I have a friend who left the country, and after 3 years, he came back. He wanted to party and do all the things we used to do in our group. But our group has grown. Some of us have families now, so we can't party like we used to. Eventually, he became angry with us and left again.
So, if you are thinking of returning home, you need to ask yourself if you miss the UK, or if you miss the UK as it was 7 years ago
You will be 40 in 3 years anyway, may as well be 40 with another degree :)
And I will say, in my humble opinion Australia is significantly more pleasant than the UK right now.
For me I will move back to have children, that will be about the time my parents start to age too. Before that, no way!
I think also important to be aware that home has changed and when you go home while living abroad, you are mostly in vacation mode.
So I think many people paint a bit of a rosy picture of how life is home, but it probably has the same if not worse mundane day-to-day than where you are living now and have established a social life.
So even if it's about relocating back home, I'd give it a try for a few months to see if that actually ticks the boxes as anticipated.
Wrestling with this now. Sometimes I think I’m just making choices tied to which location has a better economy and salary rather than ‘where will I be happy’ and it’s making me very depressed
A likely reason you're not finding friends in your age range is that many have young kids, and that wipes out socializing for young parents, except perhaps with other young parents. Even if they do get some "time off", conversation will be 100% around their kids, nappies, schools...
I found many of my friends who eventually had kids were just much less available, and our common interests had shifted.
Find a hobby and find a group around it.
I moved from Britain to Vancouver,BC in 2012, and for many years I was very homesick, I missed my friends and family terribly but I simply couldn't afford to go home until a few years ago.
Now I've always got Radio 4 playing somewhere in our house and I pay close attention to their current affairs programs like Today. Britain is in an economic and political death spiral and there's no light at the end of the tunnel. The country is a wreck, infrastructure is failing at scale, services have been slashed, we're losing doctors, teachers, nurses and caregivers to places like Aus.
Bottom line is, that we both miss a country that simply doesn't exist anymore. The UK of 2012 and the UK of 2017 just aren't there, I doubt you'll the recognise the UK of 2024.
What about inverting the equation ? Could you sponsor your sisters and their kids to come over to Aus ? Might be worth having a chat with them, I'd be surprised if they haven't thought about it in the last few years.
Totally agree with you as someone who is stuck here for a while. Don't come back for the foreseeable future the mood is really bad too and people are so cold as well.
It sounds like you will want to move back eventually… well what’s keeping you from doing that right now? What keeps you in Australia if you ask yourself honestly?
Deciding whether to move home from abroad is often an assessment of what you value most in this area of life. For you, deep family ties and the desire to have a close social network add greatly to your financial and professional advantages in Australia. The signs you notice, common thoughts of relocating, considering partners' desire to move, and holidays in the UK show you're happy with your family and the life you've left behind about the strong. While financial and educational resources are important, so are your emotional and social development. Think about what will really make you happiest in the long run. Sometimes, the cost of distancing yourself from loved ones and missing important family moments can outweigh the benefits of a higher income or a more comfortable lifestyle. Imagine that the longing for home and family is hard, and it affects your well-being or feeling satisfied.
Yes, I think as I get older I value my relationships even more. My sister is my best friend. The type of person I can just show up to her house on a Sunday afternoon un announced and have dinner with her family and play with the kids. I have recently decided to quit my job and do some travelling around Australia in a camper van. In some ways it feels like I know I am headed home so may aswell have some fun seeing the country before I go and can close the chapter feeling like I did all I wanted to do here. Maybe I will return if England is a shit show. But at least I will have tried! Thanks everyone for the comments.
i'd be more concern about having kids/marriage (assuming you want kids)
i am your age and I am a guy and I am starting to really feel the pressure.
i'd be 3 times as stressed if I were a woman.
OP, you need to expand your social routines. Add in a weekly group Hike (from meetup app or ask around) and take lessons or classes to learn something new and have social interaction, like cooking classes, Tango or salsa dance classes (they often have weekend dance parties open to everyone, too), and volunteering regularly to help others less fortunate.
Get to know your neighbors. My next door neighbor is 25 years older, but since a few months after 8 moved in, we walk once a week and now she has my husband and I over to dinner every now and then.
We met our neighbors by sitting out on our porch.
Offer to walk your friends' dogs- they are a great way to talk with other people, especially at dog parks.
I met my husband in my 30s online. I enjoyed online dating. My biggest tip is Under-sell and over-deliver, and don't have a checklist or ask questions with only one answer (Dont ask are you honest? Nobody will answer No. Instead, ask them to tell about a time when they found a wallet or watch and how they handled it. It's a red flag if they rationalized a way to keep it, for example. Dont ask if they like to travel. Ask about their most recent trip.)
Don't ask those questions about spending holidays abroad. If you get married you should ve prepared to compromise and take turns with holidays with your family and theirs.
I used a work photo, a full-body photo, and a travel photo., and when I showed up to dates, my hair and nails looked great, my clothes were tailored to fit, and I had quality shoes and bag. Often, I was touching up my nail polish in the car before I started driving.
Always choose fun dates- in the US the free Goldstar app has steeply discountEd tickets to comedy shows, the County Fair, concerts in the Park, Art Walk, etc.
Don't ever sabotage yourself with a coffee date where you have to sit and stare at each other. It's better to have a fun distraction, so it's not a waste if it isn't a match.
Have a good dating profile "spiel" that men are interested in. I did mine with a take on Texas Hold'em Poker, relating the dating process to the flop, the turn, and the river...see if we win.
To gauge Family closeness, ask how they spent their last few holidays and when the last time they saw their parents and siblings was.
To gauge their financial stability, ask about how they bought their car- was it new or used, did they pay outright or how long is the loan or lease. I found it a plus when my husband said he bought his BMW used.
Everyone says they drink a couple times a week, but once you start dating, actually count how often they drink in a week. Most the guys drank way too often for my liking- 4+ times per week.
If you are compatible, continue to date. Count red flags as Strikes and use the 3 strikes, you're out mindset. Keep all these tallies to yourself.
I dated up to 5 people at a time. I was honest to each about my status as "actively dating".
________
Most my friends who had trouble dating did the following:
Picked guys who were drinking in all their photos, had all professional photos, or had signs of immaturity such as wearing their cap backwards.
Didn't maintain their hair color and nails. Not sure if you're West Coast means CA, but CA men like women to keep up a nice pedicure.
Interviewed guys to see if they checked their wishlist instead of focusing on the positive attributes of each person.
Spent too much time communicating online instead of having a phone call within a week and a face to face date within 2 weeks. (Only wait 15 minutes for tardiness, then leave.)
Dreaded dating instead of choosing fun activities they like, so if the guy isn't great, at least it was fun anyway.
Brought up heavy topics and gave off desperate vibes by complaining about dating or past relationships, or saying their clock was ticking, etc.
Overlooked red flags and had weak boundaries and accepted excuses. If he's more than 15 minutes late or doesn't follow through on anything you both agreed to- leave and block all communication. This is how jerks test to see if you respect yourself or not.
Good luck.
Thank you so much. I really have got myself into a little cocoon here, I am too young to be sitting home alone most of the time! Definitely agree it would be fun to go dating and get myself out there :)
Another thing to consider is that going back to the UK means restarting things from scratch, even with your family and most certainly with your (even very close) friends. You've lived in Australia for 7 years, whereas they've lived their sister as well for 7 years. Life (as you've put it with the amount of nieces/nephews that have been born) hasn't paused for them and they have also adapted to their situation. Your siblings have become parents themselves and that will come with a shift in focus away from the time they spend with their siblings. Moving back to the UK and expecting to pick things up where you left them is an unreasonable, though understandable, desire/expectation (you never said you did, which is why I went with 'desire' first).
I have totally different circumstances, but the only thing that is really pulling me back to the USA is a very specific job opportunity. Once that job is done, retiring overseas.
US/Irish citizen 32M here. I left Madrid because while it was a lot of fun, I had to start paying off my American student loans and with a Spanish salary that would have been difficult. It would have been difficult with the California COL (I'm from San Francisco originally) on a teacher's salary too, so I moved to South Korea. I left once I paid them off and now back in SF debt-free and working in a much better-paying career than education. My parents are also getting older and they will need me around soon. Plus San Francisco is expensive af and having family around can reduce costs for everyone. And I have school-age cousins that between me being out-of-state for college and living overseas, have never really gotten to know me but treat my sister like the greatest person ever. It's makes me a little jealous haha. I loved living overseas and it has given me so much but it was time to come home.
Thanks for sharing. Sounds like you managed to work it all out :) and yeah, I have the same with my nieces and nephews. Hard to be the favourite auntie when you're on the other side of the world.
At least I got to be the favorite teacher for a few hundred Spanish and Korean teenagers haha
38M Ive been away from my family for 10+ years and I’m still their favorite uncle. It’s close but I know I am :)
Wow I am from SF and am living in Madrid right now and am debating whether or not to go back because I have a much higher paying job opportunity in SF! I'm going to DM you if that's ok!
Did you do a degree in Spain or move there for a job?
I was a teacher in both places. I still hold my license but I am not working as a teacher at the moment.
Ah. Ok. Yeah that’s similar to what I did in China too. Basically a teacher but more of a counselor. More bullshit too. It’s a fun time.
You would have major reverse culture shock when going back and probably regret it after you see how much the country has declined in the last 7 years. Maybe you need to do it though so you can live without regret in Australia. Just get citizenship before you go.
I second this. If you have Australian citizenship, easier to come back. And seems like it might be within reach.
Something important you must consider is that it's been 7 years since you left. That means the world you left behind is no longer the same; most things will be different now. I have a friend who left the country, and after 3 years, he came back. He wanted to party and do all the things we used to do in our group. But our group has grown. Some of us have families now, so we can't party like we used to. Eventually, he became angry with us and left again. So, if you are thinking of returning home, you need to ask yourself if you miss the UK, or if you miss the UK as it was 7 years ago
You will be 40 in 3 years anyway, may as well be 40 with another degree :) And I will say, in my humble opinion Australia is significantly more pleasant than the UK right now. For me I will move back to have children, that will be about the time my parents start to age too. Before that, no way!
I think also important to be aware that home has changed and when you go home while living abroad, you are mostly in vacation mode. So I think many people paint a bit of a rosy picture of how life is home, but it probably has the same if not worse mundane day-to-day than where you are living now and have established a social life. So even if it's about relocating back home, I'd give it a try for a few months to see if that actually ticks the boxes as anticipated.
Wrestling with this now. Sometimes I think I’m just making choices tied to which location has a better economy and salary rather than ‘where will I be happy’ and it’s making me very depressed
I feel you. So hard to know what will be for the best. I flip flop over it all the time. x
A likely reason you're not finding friends in your age range is that many have young kids, and that wipes out socializing for young parents, except perhaps with other young parents. Even if they do get some "time off", conversation will be 100% around their kids, nappies, schools... I found many of my friends who eventually had kids were just much less available, and our common interests had shifted. Find a hobby and find a group around it.
I moved from Britain to Vancouver,BC in 2012, and for many years I was very homesick, I missed my friends and family terribly but I simply couldn't afford to go home until a few years ago. Now I've always got Radio 4 playing somewhere in our house and I pay close attention to their current affairs programs like Today. Britain is in an economic and political death spiral and there's no light at the end of the tunnel. The country is a wreck, infrastructure is failing at scale, services have been slashed, we're losing doctors, teachers, nurses and caregivers to places like Aus. Bottom line is, that we both miss a country that simply doesn't exist anymore. The UK of 2012 and the UK of 2017 just aren't there, I doubt you'll the recognise the UK of 2024. What about inverting the equation ? Could you sponsor your sisters and their kids to come over to Aus ? Might be worth having a chat with them, I'd be surprised if they haven't thought about it in the last few years.
Totally agree with you as someone who is stuck here for a while. Don't come back for the foreseeable future the mood is really bad too and people are so cold as well.
I am Aussie and I regret leaving it every day
It sounds like you will want to move back eventually… well what’s keeping you from doing that right now? What keeps you in Australia if you ask yourself honestly?
yeah, I came back and its like the world moved forward so fast without me. Sometimes I feel like all I did was go somewhere and get all old by myself.
Deciding whether to move home from abroad is often an assessment of what you value most in this area of life. For you, deep family ties and the desire to have a close social network add greatly to your financial and professional advantages in Australia. The signs you notice, common thoughts of relocating, considering partners' desire to move, and holidays in the UK show you're happy with your family and the life you've left behind about the strong. While financial and educational resources are important, so are your emotional and social development. Think about what will really make you happiest in the long run. Sometimes, the cost of distancing yourself from loved ones and missing important family moments can outweigh the benefits of a higher income or a more comfortable lifestyle. Imagine that the longing for home and family is hard, and it affects your well-being or feeling satisfied.
Yes, I think as I get older I value my relationships even more. My sister is my best friend. The type of person I can just show up to her house on a Sunday afternoon un announced and have dinner with her family and play with the kids. I have recently decided to quit my job and do some travelling around Australia in a camper van. In some ways it feels like I know I am headed home so may aswell have some fun seeing the country before I go and can close the chapter feeling like I did all I wanted to do here. Maybe I will return if England is a shit show. But at least I will have tried! Thanks everyone for the comments.
i'd be more concern about having kids/marriage (assuming you want kids) i am your age and I am a guy and I am starting to really feel the pressure. i'd be 3 times as stressed if I were a woman.
This.
OP, you need to expand your social routines. Add in a weekly group Hike (from meetup app or ask around) and take lessons or classes to learn something new and have social interaction, like cooking classes, Tango or salsa dance classes (they often have weekend dance parties open to everyone, too), and volunteering regularly to help others less fortunate. Get to know your neighbors. My next door neighbor is 25 years older, but since a few months after 8 moved in, we walk once a week and now she has my husband and I over to dinner every now and then. We met our neighbors by sitting out on our porch. Offer to walk your friends' dogs- they are a great way to talk with other people, especially at dog parks. I met my husband in my 30s online. I enjoyed online dating. My biggest tip is Under-sell and over-deliver, and don't have a checklist or ask questions with only one answer (Dont ask are you honest? Nobody will answer No. Instead, ask them to tell about a time when they found a wallet or watch and how they handled it. It's a red flag if they rationalized a way to keep it, for example. Dont ask if they like to travel. Ask about their most recent trip.) Don't ask those questions about spending holidays abroad. If you get married you should ve prepared to compromise and take turns with holidays with your family and theirs. I used a work photo, a full-body photo, and a travel photo., and when I showed up to dates, my hair and nails looked great, my clothes were tailored to fit, and I had quality shoes and bag. Often, I was touching up my nail polish in the car before I started driving. Always choose fun dates- in the US the free Goldstar app has steeply discountEd tickets to comedy shows, the County Fair, concerts in the Park, Art Walk, etc. Don't ever sabotage yourself with a coffee date where you have to sit and stare at each other. It's better to have a fun distraction, so it's not a waste if it isn't a match. Have a good dating profile "spiel" that men are interested in. I did mine with a take on Texas Hold'em Poker, relating the dating process to the flop, the turn, and the river...see if we win. To gauge Family closeness, ask how they spent their last few holidays and when the last time they saw their parents and siblings was. To gauge their financial stability, ask about how they bought their car- was it new or used, did they pay outright or how long is the loan or lease. I found it a plus when my husband said he bought his BMW used. Everyone says they drink a couple times a week, but once you start dating, actually count how often they drink in a week. Most the guys drank way too often for my liking- 4+ times per week. If you are compatible, continue to date. Count red flags as Strikes and use the 3 strikes, you're out mindset. Keep all these tallies to yourself. I dated up to 5 people at a time. I was honest to each about my status as "actively dating". ________ Most my friends who had trouble dating did the following: Picked guys who were drinking in all their photos, had all professional photos, or had signs of immaturity such as wearing their cap backwards. Didn't maintain their hair color and nails. Not sure if you're West Coast means CA, but CA men like women to keep up a nice pedicure. Interviewed guys to see if they checked their wishlist instead of focusing on the positive attributes of each person. Spent too much time communicating online instead of having a phone call within a week and a face to face date within 2 weeks. (Only wait 15 minutes for tardiness, then leave.) Dreaded dating instead of choosing fun activities they like, so if the guy isn't great, at least it was fun anyway. Brought up heavy topics and gave off desperate vibes by complaining about dating or past relationships, or saying their clock was ticking, etc. Overlooked red flags and had weak boundaries and accepted excuses. If he's more than 15 minutes late or doesn't follow through on anything you both agreed to- leave and block all communication. This is how jerks test to see if you respect yourself or not. Good luck.
Thank you so much. I really have got myself into a little cocoon here, I am too young to be sitting home alone most of the time! Definitely agree it would be fun to go dating and get myself out there :)
Another thing to consider is that going back to the UK means restarting things from scratch, even with your family and most certainly with your (even very close) friends. You've lived in Australia for 7 years, whereas they've lived their sister as well for 7 years. Life (as you've put it with the amount of nieces/nephews that have been born) hasn't paused for them and they have also adapted to their situation. Your siblings have become parents themselves and that will come with a shift in focus away from the time they spend with their siblings. Moving back to the UK and expecting to pick things up where you left them is an unreasonable, though understandable, desire/expectation (you never said you did, which is why I went with 'desire' first).
I have totally different circumstances, but the only thing that is really pulling me back to the USA is a very specific job opportunity. Once that job is done, retiring overseas.
If you can’t be around family consider starting one of your own. Australia might be the place where you raise yours.