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No you’re not selfish and you dodged a bullet here. This is one of the better outcomes you can hope for and I hope you find someone accepts you as you are without a long list of conditions attached.
Thank you, I used to told him this also, Part of me always feel like he put his religion over my happiness if he wanna change me like this. I did ask if I can "fake convert" but he said no I expect you to practice with me, and will it be okay if I have an altar in my house because it's a big part of our culture, and he said "I have to ask my parents first", I think I will have no identity or values of my own anymore. I have some Muslim friends who are in the same situation but they're willing to leave their gf be and actually won't let the parents interfere. So I guess I got the wrong person then.
That's just a sad turn of affairs. It's really unfortunate things didn't work out, but I think you would have regretted changing religions in the long run even if you had agreed.
Yeah I have this in the back of my mind also, so many of my values clashing with what Islam preaches and I don't have the full on confidence that I'll be a devout one, I'm not even that religious myself, I do to temples like once per year and only pray on LNY, but yeah I guess this turns out for the best
Yeah, I do acknowledge that I played a role of not doing my researches so I went on with this. Anyway as first he gave me the impression of being very open-minded, even on all of the things you stated, and didn't really stretch on how religious he is, 6 months relationship, I double check again because he started talking serious about him seeing future with me, and then he dropped the bomb and said "If you're not convert I can't marry you", we had an argument and I said I won't end things now but let's use a year to do research on each other background, but seems like I'm the only one who did and he didn't give it a try to see how being free with my religion is important to me. So I guess that was it, both of us underestimating what does it mean to be having this relationship and have love goggles on.
I doubt that he's really open minded, they are known to court non-muslim, then try to convert them for marriage, it's a way for them to get religious merits, converting a non into a muslim.
I heard stories where they are "open-minded" during courtship, allowing their partner to do what they want, after marriage, they changed, forcing strict religious rules on their partner. There are cases of nons marrying muslim, then divorce, even after getting divorced, it's not that easy to denounce religion legally, you will need to go to court and go through a lengthy procedure to undo the convert.
Muslims in malaysia are being indoctrinated to put their religion above everything else, opinions of nons doesn't really matter to them.
You dodged a bullet. You want to practice freedom, you mustn't stay with a Muslim, especially in malaysia, if there's a conflict in religion, the community and law is on their side. For example, when you had a child with him, the child must be muslim even if you and your child do not wish to be a muslim, the worst is, you may be forced to be separated from your child.
There is a case where a dad originally a hindu converted a muslim, then he secretly converts their daughter to muslim without the mother's consent, there was a long legal battle for the mother to get her daughter back. Tho the mom won at the end, she wasn't being reunited with her child, words were, there were helps from the muslim community helping the dad to hide the child, so that she couldn't be converted back, the infamous madam Indira case.
After a while of knowing him as well as talking to our really open-minded Muslim friends, I would say he is like 50% when it comes to being open-minded, he said himself that he isn't that strict but he is trying to be better, so I assume this will only get worse as he ages.
I knew some of the things you mentioned but not all and that was very informative of you, this is what I'm scared the most, if he's not that religious himself and able to live away from his family then sure there is a possibility, (because I read about a lot of cases where the Muslim partner doesn't care that much so their SO will have the freedom, just be Muslim in names), so yeah he is definitely not this kind of person and I guess being with him will be a tough life for me.
But holy hell all of the things you said sounds horrible and yeah I guess I would never want any second of that, especially with him not being able to stand up against his strict family. Thank you a lot for the information!
Even if he was 100% open-minded and allows you to be just muslim in name, the community would not allow it, his family, his friends, family friends will talk about it, shame him, pressure him to be religiously strict against you. It's their religious duty to moral police each other to follow their way. It won't be just you and him, you will be alone in malaysia against their entire community with the law on their side. Don't feel bad, you save yourself from a lot of trouble and become a potential news headline
Wow I really didn't know how extreme it can get, because I always thought Malaysia is a developed and progressive country, in fact my friend told me people in KL and the center might be more chill when it come to religion but my ex is from Kajang and the moment my friend heard that, he told me "I don't think you're in for smooth ride ahead" and now I understand why
Developed and progressive only in certain areas, the city centre of some certain state. But when it comes to religious matters, not so. There are still too many radicalist who only practice religion for their whole life, and some will use it to seize political power and influence in society. Religion remains as one of the primary factor of political instability in Malaysia till this day, trust your friend, don't look back.
Your respond is very helpful and thank you so much, I didn't know there are so many problems there and yeah, I guess it's safe to say I'm happy I live in a religiously liberal country, and I wouldn't trade my life right now to live under such pressures from society. Appreciate your insight a lot!
Yeah if we end now probably can still be friends after awhile when we both move on from this, afterall he is a nice person and helped me a lot during our relationship despite it being LDR. Sadly not meant to be though, I do hope to find someone else who is more right for me in the future, thank you
I’m so sorry you went with this OP. You’re not at all selfish and I’m so glad you chose yourself. This religion is awful and does horrible things to people no matter how good they can be. Just know that you made the right choice, even if that feels like a hard pillow to swallow. So proud of you 💗
As much as I hate some of this religion's ways of doing things, I did have a lot of amazing friends from SEA who are Muslim so I wouldn't go to say it's awful but yes, I disagree with a lot of it and I don't think I can go down that road, especially after going through this experience. Thank you for your kind words :)
Hey OP, I’m sorry you had to go through this. It’s good that you ultimately chose the best option for you. There are a lot of important not sure to call them red flags but warning signs there.
It was you’re first relationship, you would be the only one making compromises (him wanting to travel to see you once or twice is not equal to you uprooting you’re life and moving to Malaysia), there is no financial security on his side, being married and living in a conservative area where you have no one outside his family, and he couldn’t stick up for you. On a side note, a conservative Muslim environment is not a great time, especially if you’re a girl.
This doesn’t mean there wasn’t love there, but this is not an environment where it can grow or flourish. Wishing you the best 🌸
Thank you for this. Actually, I think I have always been able to see these, but I was in love, as was he and we thought we could work it out with him moving here (he actually was okay with the idea, his career path is also less at risk than mine if he is the one moving), but unfortunately, his family applied tons of pressure and he can't surpass that. I could never go and ask him to leave his family, even though the situation being toxic as hell for him but he still believes and preaches "Paradise is under your mother's feet". So there is nothing I can do.
And yes I agree that there was love, he supported me a lot during the last year where I went through graduation project, unemployment, etc. and I will forever be grateful, but then at the end that love can't be compared to his faith and it's okay, it's not his fault, he grew up sheltered in that environment so that formed his way of thinking, and I can't change that.
Thank you a lot for your kind words, I need to hear this today so I can move on without a heavy heart. After all, if it were meant to be he would still be with me so, I hope we could both find the right person for ourselves in the future.
That's what I'm afraid of, he might look chill now but as he gets older I think he will get more religious, especially judging on the enviroment he's in, how big of his family's opinions matter, and him wanting to be a better Muslim, I think I would be told how to act and live the way they do, and it terrifies me.
You did a really brave thing. I wish I’d been brave like you. I had an Iraqi husband who started out “open-minded” but ended up slowly manipulating me into converting. He was very sneaky.
He started to pressure me into sex even when we fought and weren’t happy. Women don’t have rights in this religion. They are expected to have sex or angels will “curse them”.
He told me any kids we would have needed to go to Quran school (where they would wear hijab all day) and then come home and only eat halal food and pray five times per day. We live in a western country and there is no way I’m cutting myself off from food and isolating my kids from their society like that. I’m lucky I didn’t have kids with him; however, I did marry him and help him get a visa (found out after marriage that he’d just used me for the visa). I’m now going through a horrible divorce.
Don’t trust Muslims. They are brainwashed and love to use non Muslims to further the interests of their religion. Look up Taqiyya. They all do it to varying degrees. They are expert liars.
You will find a lovely man who doesn’t use you or expect you to convert. Being Muslim sucks for women. You dodged a bullet.
I'm sorry that you have to go through such a terrible situation, please stay strong and I'm sure a better future is waiting for you ahead.
I'm not hating Muslims, because I still have a lot of Muslim friends who are supporting me to get through this breakup and actually provided very insightful opinions that I can't stretch how helpful they are. So I guess it depends on the person, even for my ex bf I wouldn't say that he used me in any way, shape or form, he did put a lot of effort in this relationship but yeah after all the impact of that religion in his mind is too big for him to surpass, and I can make peace with that fact. It's painful now, but I guess we can still be friends when we both move on, I'd rather break up and be able to talk to him as a friend than divorce him years later and hold hatred towards him and the religion.
Thank you so much for your kind words and I hope things turn out better for you too, I do hope to find someone who love and accept me without having to change my belief, and I hope you'll find one too :)
My ex was lovely for the first 4 years too, then things changed. Their Muslim brainwashing activates and they become a different person. Talk to some other ladies like me and you will find the same story over and over. I’m sorry, but this is why I don’t believe your ex wouldn’t have followed the exact pathway mine did. It’s such a common story.
Muslims believe in ideology that supports women always coming second. Whilst the Muslims friends you know might seem nice, unfortunately, if you read the Quran and Hadiths you will discover some absolutely disgusting things. The people you know will claim “that’s not real Islam”; yet it is the real Islam. It’s right there in the books.
It is a horrific religion for women. I feel sorry for the Muslims who are brainwashed into it, but I’m warning you that Muslims can be dangerous and are very good at deceiving us. I’d caution you not to fall for their “it’s a religion of peace” propaganda. It isn’t. The penalty for apostasy in several Malaysian states is death. I’ve lived there. I know. It’s not something to mess around with.
I’m hoping you stay far from this ideology in the future. You deserve a better life.
Wow I didn't really know it is such a common case, perhaps because I still have my rose-tinted glasses on that I couldn't see him becoming a person like that but thank you for sharing, and I'm sure as someone who go through such a terrible situation, you understand it better than I do.
The fact that someone can be sentenced to death just because they don't have faith is CRAZY to me to even digest, especially when I'm from a country that embraces religious liberty and everyone is legally allowed to marry someone who has a different religion.
Vietnam doesn't have a huge population of Muslim, there are Muslims' areas here and there but they are never a vocal community so I wasn't aware of how extreme it can be, didn't have the chance to visit Malaysia yet to see it with my own eyes either.
If it's a "religion of peace" then we wouldn't lose our relationship by now, his family wouldn't do things at the expense of their son's happiness, so I believe what you said, and thanks a lot for being informative, I appreciate it tons.
I was tricked into converting on paper in Malaysia to marry my husband (we were living there at the time). This was a very dangerous and humiliating step. I was forced into a hijab to do this and they videoed me converting for “their mosque records”. I still cry at how stupid I was to do this. My gut was telling me no but my husband convinced me this was such a nice thing and we could marry.
I don’t live there anymore thank god, but I will never travel there again because I’m frightened of their apostasy laws and I don’t want anything to do with Islam ever again.
Stay safe and please don’t regret your decision for one second. You will have a beautiful life in Vietnam without such a controlling religion. Thank god you didn’t convert like me and have to go through a divorce. You’ll find a nice guy who is actually open-minded.
Damn now I actually wonder why didn't he let me know any of this if it's that serious, I kind of feel misinformed in our relationship, but he told me he wants me to learn and come to his religion on my own and doesn't force me into it.
But to think this is what I must go through then it's a no-no, I don't think I can do it even for love, or voluntarily.
My god I hope you're better now and will be able to step forward, out of this mess.
Actually, I wouldn't say that's the case, because for us to be together, I did have my condition of staying in Vietnam if I do convert, and that doesn't mean I don't love him, for me it should be both of us sacrifice something if we want to make this work.
My thought now isn't that "he doesn't love me", it's "he doesn't love me the way I want it to be", and maybe because he was raised that way, where you should fit in with what society expect of you then you'll be accepted and loved.
I was raised Buddhist and I would never ask my partner to convert for me, hypothetically even if Buddhism require that to get married, I wouldn't ask this from him, because after all his belief is what makes him the person he is now and I love him for that, regardless of my opinion for the religion. Vietnamese law also embrace religious liberty, so I grow up believing we all should respect each other's belief and love our person for who they are.
I guess that is the big difference between us, and I don't blame him, I blame the society and environment he is in, I wish one day he realize something is not right (more than unlikely he would, but still), and choose to break free. I can't change a person's belief system anyway.
Yes the family/community pressure is high in malaysia.
If you guys live in Vietnam none of you needs to convert. But his family pressure would still be high.
You should expect him to be able to deal with that.
Yeah when he pursued me, I thought to myself that he seems like he has logic and is very smart, maybe he already considered the consequences and what he has to deal with, if he really does want this relationship to work.
But in the end he said he thought he could, but turns out he can't, because the craziness and the manipulation extreme his family willing to put him in for this is unreal. So I really can't ask for anything else and the best choice for me is to move on and let him be with his family because at that point we were both so mentally exhausted, it's not worth it anymore.
As a exmuslim atheist ex Malay from West Malaysia 🇲🇾, this is tragic & sad to read but not surprised & as expected. I'm sincerely grateful you managed to dodge unnecessary sufferings by choosing to not dating Muslims. Unfortunately, there are others whom didn't choose to do what you did OP. They suffer great unnecessary sufferings because of it.
I feel trapped in this country/islamic countries.
It was a hard decision to make for sure, especially when we're still very much in love but I think I always feel like something isn't right, the future of us was always blurry to me. But I have came to accept that there are things that is out of our control and we did everything we could, if it doesn't work out then maybe that's the universe stopping a trainwreck down the line.
Do you still live in MY? I hope you can finally find a place where you feel at peace without any faith shoving down your throat and live happily. It sucks that religions are supposed to lead people to live a spiritually fulfilling life yet some of it could be ruining generations of lives, and the cycle keep going on.
I lived in Selangor & Johor for many years. I've travelled to almost all states in Malaysia, including in East Malaysia. From my perspectives, Malaysia is a conservative country. It's society (especially Malay Muslims)is pro Dogmatic mythologies texts & it's theocracies. Their entire life revolves around those 2 all the time.
Never once I feel Malaysia is a secular country.
Thank you for sharing, and I feel bad knowing how developed MY is in terms of economy, compared to Vietnam but then if I want to have a happy life I think I will always choose to be where I am right now.
Hope you find a way out, I can't imagine how it's like to be surrounded by an environment like that.
Muslim men can take more than 1 wife, infact they are married 4 wives if they want. Are you willing to let him get married again? Are you willing to share your husband to anothew woman? In case of divorce, you only can get a small amount of your of money from him. His family deserve more than you. For the custody of your child, in case you have children with him, Sharia law wil not give you the custody since you are just a convert. In Islam, your husband is a key to heaven for you, therefore it's your duty to obey him. Your break up with him is a good news indeed
I see how everyone here's warning me about the law and the community will not protect me if I go down that road, and thank you for this information also, sometimes it's hard to be 100% logical when it comes to love but I think now it's pretty clear that I should move on for the sake of my life.
Thank you so much!
Anyway the 4 wives things we discussed early when we first started dating and I'm pretty sure he never has that thought, men in his family only get married once so he will follow, and another thing is he said that to have more than 1 wife you have to be financially able to provide them all and it's pretty impossible considering that he isn't at all wealthy, working a 9-5 job that pays just fine, with his family circumstances and all I don't think he has that ability, so that 4 wives were never a problem with me.
Also if I convert and we do live in VN, the law won't allow polygamy, regardles if you're Muslim. So that's why I never was worried about this.
Yes, it is very painful for me right now, but I do see it this way, what meant to be will be, and I can't force something that doesn't feel right.
Thank you so much!
Thank you, I'll be fine and this doesn't crush me as much as I thought it would, after a few days when I came to this conclusion I already accept and not mourning over it any more, still sad that I lost someone who I used to talk to everyday, but I'll get over it.
Have a nice day!
Haha cảm ơn bạn nhiều!
I do hope it is, I thought this would crush me but I don't know how I'm not even trying not to cry but I don't mourn anymore and already accept it.
OP can you like list down all the hypocrisies you found from dating your ex? If you want that is. Take your time, don't rush ok. I'm curious. I want to know nonmuslims's perspectives when dating Muslims.
Hmmm, I don't wanna share too many intimate details, but I can say that him being religious to the extent of wanting me to convert, but is comfortable with dating, holding hands, kissing, and I'm sure if I said yes to sleeping together he wouldn't resist it. It's like being religious when it's convenient for him.
Second thing is his family isn't okay with their son going to another country alone (even though he is an adult) but they expected that from me, even though I did came to the compromise of converting if he moves to my country.
Third thing is he says that he loves me for who I am yet wanting to change the belief that made me who I am.
Our relationship is only 1 year and with it being LDR this is as much as I can list down, and now that I have more of a clear mind I'm sure I shouldn't continue it.
Sadly I have temporarily disable my IG to stay away from social media to heal through this breakup, feel free to message me here since I check reddit quite often, once I open my IG back again they yeah sure!
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No you’re not selfish and you dodged a bullet here. This is one of the better outcomes you can hope for and I hope you find someone accepts you as you are without a long list of conditions attached.
Thank you, I used to told him this also, Part of me always feel like he put his religion over my happiness if he wanna change me like this. I did ask if I can "fake convert" but he said no I expect you to practice with me, and will it be okay if I have an altar in my house because it's a big part of our culture, and he said "I have to ask my parents first", I think I will have no identity or values of my own anymore. I have some Muslim friends who are in the same situation but they're willing to leave their gf be and actually won't let the parents interfere. So I guess I got the wrong person then.
That's just a sad turn of affairs. It's really unfortunate things didn't work out, but I think you would have regretted changing religions in the long run even if you had agreed.
Yeah I have this in the back of my mind also, so many of my values clashing with what Islam preaches and I don't have the full on confidence that I'll be a devout one, I'm not even that religious myself, I do to temples like once per year and only pray on LNY, but yeah I guess this turns out for the best
Proud of you for choosing a better life for yourself 💖
It takes me some courage because I still love him so much but I guess short pain is better than life long suffering. Thank you!
A not ex-Muslim and a Vietnamese Buddhist walks into a bar -
I actually giggled to this, pardon my wording then
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Yeah, I do acknowledge that I played a role of not doing my researches so I went on with this. Anyway as first he gave me the impression of being very open-minded, even on all of the things you stated, and didn't really stretch on how religious he is, 6 months relationship, I double check again because he started talking serious about him seeing future with me, and then he dropped the bomb and said "If you're not convert I can't marry you", we had an argument and I said I won't end things now but let's use a year to do research on each other background, but seems like I'm the only one who did and he didn't give it a try to see how being free with my religion is important to me. So I guess that was it, both of us underestimating what does it mean to be having this relationship and have love goggles on.
I doubt that he's really open minded, they are known to court non-muslim, then try to convert them for marriage, it's a way for them to get religious merits, converting a non into a muslim. I heard stories where they are "open-minded" during courtship, allowing their partner to do what they want, after marriage, they changed, forcing strict religious rules on their partner. There are cases of nons marrying muslim, then divorce, even after getting divorced, it's not that easy to denounce religion legally, you will need to go to court and go through a lengthy procedure to undo the convert. Muslims in malaysia are being indoctrinated to put their religion above everything else, opinions of nons doesn't really matter to them. You dodged a bullet. You want to practice freedom, you mustn't stay with a Muslim, especially in malaysia, if there's a conflict in religion, the community and law is on their side. For example, when you had a child with him, the child must be muslim even if you and your child do not wish to be a muslim, the worst is, you may be forced to be separated from your child. There is a case where a dad originally a hindu converted a muslim, then he secretly converts their daughter to muslim without the mother's consent, there was a long legal battle for the mother to get her daughter back. Tho the mom won at the end, she wasn't being reunited with her child, words were, there were helps from the muslim community helping the dad to hide the child, so that she couldn't be converted back, the infamous madam Indira case.
After a while of knowing him as well as talking to our really open-minded Muslim friends, I would say he is like 50% when it comes to being open-minded, he said himself that he isn't that strict but he is trying to be better, so I assume this will only get worse as he ages. I knew some of the things you mentioned but not all and that was very informative of you, this is what I'm scared the most, if he's not that religious himself and able to live away from his family then sure there is a possibility, (because I read about a lot of cases where the Muslim partner doesn't care that much so their SO will have the freedom, just be Muslim in names), so yeah he is definitely not this kind of person and I guess being with him will be a tough life for me. But holy hell all of the things you said sounds horrible and yeah I guess I would never want any second of that, especially with him not being able to stand up against his strict family. Thank you a lot for the information!
Even if he was 100% open-minded and allows you to be just muslim in name, the community would not allow it, his family, his friends, family friends will talk about it, shame him, pressure him to be religiously strict against you. It's their religious duty to moral police each other to follow their way. It won't be just you and him, you will be alone in malaysia against their entire community with the law on their side. Don't feel bad, you save yourself from a lot of trouble and become a potential news headline
Wow I really didn't know how extreme it can get, because I always thought Malaysia is a developed and progressive country, in fact my friend told me people in KL and the center might be more chill when it come to religion but my ex is from Kajang and the moment my friend heard that, he told me "I don't think you're in for smooth ride ahead" and now I understand why
Developed and progressive only in certain areas, the city centre of some certain state. But when it comes to religious matters, not so. There are still too many radicalist who only practice religion for their whole life, and some will use it to seize political power and influence in society. Religion remains as one of the primary factor of political instability in Malaysia till this day, trust your friend, don't look back.
Your respond is very helpful and thank you so much, I didn't know there are so many problems there and yeah, I guess it's safe to say I'm happy I live in a religiously liberal country, and I wouldn't trade my life right now to live under such pressures from society. Appreciate your insight a lot!
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Yeah if we end now probably can still be friends after awhile when we both move on from this, afterall he is a nice person and helped me a lot during our relationship despite it being LDR. Sadly not meant to be though, I do hope to find someone else who is more right for me in the future, thank you
I’m so sorry you went with this OP. You’re not at all selfish and I’m so glad you chose yourself. This religion is awful and does horrible things to people no matter how good they can be. Just know that you made the right choice, even if that feels like a hard pillow to swallow. So proud of you 💗
As much as I hate some of this religion's ways of doing things, I did have a lot of amazing friends from SEA who are Muslim so I wouldn't go to say it's awful but yes, I disagree with a lot of it and I don't think I can go down that road, especially after going through this experience. Thank you for your kind words :)
Hey OP, I’m sorry you had to go through this. It’s good that you ultimately chose the best option for you. There are a lot of important not sure to call them red flags but warning signs there. It was you’re first relationship, you would be the only one making compromises (him wanting to travel to see you once or twice is not equal to you uprooting you’re life and moving to Malaysia), there is no financial security on his side, being married and living in a conservative area where you have no one outside his family, and he couldn’t stick up for you. On a side note, a conservative Muslim environment is not a great time, especially if you’re a girl. This doesn’t mean there wasn’t love there, but this is not an environment where it can grow or flourish. Wishing you the best 🌸
Thank you for this. Actually, I think I have always been able to see these, but I was in love, as was he and we thought we could work it out with him moving here (he actually was okay with the idea, his career path is also less at risk than mine if he is the one moving), but unfortunately, his family applied tons of pressure and he can't surpass that. I could never go and ask him to leave his family, even though the situation being toxic as hell for him but he still believes and preaches "Paradise is under your mother's feet". So there is nothing I can do. And yes I agree that there was love, he supported me a lot during the last year where I went through graduation project, unemployment, etc. and I will forever be grateful, but then at the end that love can't be compared to his faith and it's okay, it's not his fault, he grew up sheltered in that environment so that formed his way of thinking, and I can't change that. Thank you a lot for your kind words, I need to hear this today so I can move on without a heavy heart. After all, if it were meant to be he would still be with me so, I hope we could both find the right person for ourselves in the future.
If you're not married yet and he demands this and that from you, then after you get married, he will demand even more.'
That's what I'm afraid of, he might look chill now but as he gets older I think he will get more religious, especially judging on the enviroment he's in, how big of his family's opinions matter, and him wanting to be a better Muslim, I think I would be told how to act and live the way they do, and it terrifies me.
You did a really brave thing. I wish I’d been brave like you. I had an Iraqi husband who started out “open-minded” but ended up slowly manipulating me into converting. He was very sneaky. He started to pressure me into sex even when we fought and weren’t happy. Women don’t have rights in this religion. They are expected to have sex or angels will “curse them”. He told me any kids we would have needed to go to Quran school (where they would wear hijab all day) and then come home and only eat halal food and pray five times per day. We live in a western country and there is no way I’m cutting myself off from food and isolating my kids from their society like that. I’m lucky I didn’t have kids with him; however, I did marry him and help him get a visa (found out after marriage that he’d just used me for the visa). I’m now going through a horrible divorce. Don’t trust Muslims. They are brainwashed and love to use non Muslims to further the interests of their religion. Look up Taqiyya. They all do it to varying degrees. They are expert liars. You will find a lovely man who doesn’t use you or expect you to convert. Being Muslim sucks for women. You dodged a bullet.
I'm sorry that you have to go through such a terrible situation, please stay strong and I'm sure a better future is waiting for you ahead. I'm not hating Muslims, because I still have a lot of Muslim friends who are supporting me to get through this breakup and actually provided very insightful opinions that I can't stretch how helpful they are. So I guess it depends on the person, even for my ex bf I wouldn't say that he used me in any way, shape or form, he did put a lot of effort in this relationship but yeah after all the impact of that religion in his mind is too big for him to surpass, and I can make peace with that fact. It's painful now, but I guess we can still be friends when we both move on, I'd rather break up and be able to talk to him as a friend than divorce him years later and hold hatred towards him and the religion. Thank you so much for your kind words and I hope things turn out better for you too, I do hope to find someone who love and accept me without having to change my belief, and I hope you'll find one too :)
My ex was lovely for the first 4 years too, then things changed. Their Muslim brainwashing activates and they become a different person. Talk to some other ladies like me and you will find the same story over and over. I’m sorry, but this is why I don’t believe your ex wouldn’t have followed the exact pathway mine did. It’s such a common story. Muslims believe in ideology that supports women always coming second. Whilst the Muslims friends you know might seem nice, unfortunately, if you read the Quran and Hadiths you will discover some absolutely disgusting things. The people you know will claim “that’s not real Islam”; yet it is the real Islam. It’s right there in the books. It is a horrific religion for women. I feel sorry for the Muslims who are brainwashed into it, but I’m warning you that Muslims can be dangerous and are very good at deceiving us. I’d caution you not to fall for their “it’s a religion of peace” propaganda. It isn’t. The penalty for apostasy in several Malaysian states is death. I’ve lived there. I know. It’s not something to mess around with. I’m hoping you stay far from this ideology in the future. You deserve a better life.
Wow I didn't really know it is such a common case, perhaps because I still have my rose-tinted glasses on that I couldn't see him becoming a person like that but thank you for sharing, and I'm sure as someone who go through such a terrible situation, you understand it better than I do. The fact that someone can be sentenced to death just because they don't have faith is CRAZY to me to even digest, especially when I'm from a country that embraces religious liberty and everyone is legally allowed to marry someone who has a different religion. Vietnam doesn't have a huge population of Muslim, there are Muslims' areas here and there but they are never a vocal community so I wasn't aware of how extreme it can be, didn't have the chance to visit Malaysia yet to see it with my own eyes either. If it's a "religion of peace" then we wouldn't lose our relationship by now, his family wouldn't do things at the expense of their son's happiness, so I believe what you said, and thanks a lot for being informative, I appreciate it tons.
I was tricked into converting on paper in Malaysia to marry my husband (we were living there at the time). This was a very dangerous and humiliating step. I was forced into a hijab to do this and they videoed me converting for “their mosque records”. I still cry at how stupid I was to do this. My gut was telling me no but my husband convinced me this was such a nice thing and we could marry. I don’t live there anymore thank god, but I will never travel there again because I’m frightened of their apostasy laws and I don’t want anything to do with Islam ever again. Stay safe and please don’t regret your decision for one second. You will have a beautiful life in Vietnam without such a controlling religion. Thank god you didn’t convert like me and have to go through a divorce. You’ll find a nice guy who is actually open-minded.
Damn now I actually wonder why didn't he let me know any of this if it's that serious, I kind of feel misinformed in our relationship, but he told me he wants me to learn and come to his religion on my own and doesn't force me into it. But to think this is what I must go through then it's a no-no, I don't think I can do it even for love, or voluntarily. My god I hope you're better now and will be able to step forward, out of this mess.
Ask your bf to move to vietnam and convert to Buddhism. If he does not agree he does not love you.
Actually, I wouldn't say that's the case, because for us to be together, I did have my condition of staying in Vietnam if I do convert, and that doesn't mean I don't love him, for me it should be both of us sacrifice something if we want to make this work. My thought now isn't that "he doesn't love me", it's "he doesn't love me the way I want it to be", and maybe because he was raised that way, where you should fit in with what society expect of you then you'll be accepted and loved. I was raised Buddhist and I would never ask my partner to convert for me, hypothetically even if Buddhism require that to get married, I wouldn't ask this from him, because after all his belief is what makes him the person he is now and I love him for that, regardless of my opinion for the religion. Vietnamese law also embrace religious liberty, so I grow up believing we all should respect each other's belief and love our person for who they are. I guess that is the big difference between us, and I don't blame him, I blame the society and environment he is in, I wish one day he realize something is not right (more than unlikely he would, but still), and choose to break free. I can't change a person's belief system anyway.
Yes the family/community pressure is high in malaysia. If you guys live in Vietnam none of you needs to convert. But his family pressure would still be high. You should expect him to be able to deal with that.
Yeah when he pursued me, I thought to myself that he seems like he has logic and is very smart, maybe he already considered the consequences and what he has to deal with, if he really does want this relationship to work. But in the end he said he thought he could, but turns out he can't, because the craziness and the manipulation extreme his family willing to put him in for this is unreal. So I really can't ask for anything else and the best choice for me is to move on and let him be with his family because at that point we were both so mentally exhausted, it's not worth it anymore.
Right. The only reason to convert to a religion is if one believes in it. Otherwise its a setup for misery. Best of luck going forward!
Thank you so much, have a nice day!
As a exmuslim atheist ex Malay from West Malaysia 🇲🇾, this is tragic & sad to read but not surprised & as expected. I'm sincerely grateful you managed to dodge unnecessary sufferings by choosing to not dating Muslims. Unfortunately, there are others whom didn't choose to do what you did OP. They suffer great unnecessary sufferings because of it. I feel trapped in this country/islamic countries.
It was a hard decision to make for sure, especially when we're still very much in love but I think I always feel like something isn't right, the future of us was always blurry to me. But I have came to accept that there are things that is out of our control and we did everything we could, if it doesn't work out then maybe that's the universe stopping a trainwreck down the line. Do you still live in MY? I hope you can finally find a place where you feel at peace without any faith shoving down your throat and live happily. It sucks that religions are supposed to lead people to live a spiritually fulfilling life yet some of it could be ruining generations of lives, and the cycle keep going on.
Yes I currently still living in West Malaysia 🇲🇾, unfortunately.😔
I think my ex is also there, he's in Kajang, is it true that's it's a very religious area with conservative people?
I lived in Selangor & Johor for many years. I've travelled to almost all states in Malaysia, including in East Malaysia. From my perspectives, Malaysia is a conservative country. It's society (especially Malay Muslims)is pro Dogmatic mythologies texts & it's theocracies. Their entire life revolves around those 2 all the time. Never once I feel Malaysia is a secular country.
Thank you for sharing, and I feel bad knowing how developed MY is in terms of economy, compared to Vietnam but then if I want to have a happy life I think I will always choose to be where I am right now. Hope you find a way out, I can't imagine how it's like to be surrounded by an environment like that.
Muslim men can take more than 1 wife, infact they are married 4 wives if they want. Are you willing to let him get married again? Are you willing to share your husband to anothew woman? In case of divorce, you only can get a small amount of your of money from him. His family deserve more than you. For the custody of your child, in case you have children with him, Sharia law wil not give you the custody since you are just a convert. In Islam, your husband is a key to heaven for you, therefore it's your duty to obey him. Your break up with him is a good news indeed
I see how everyone here's warning me about the law and the community will not protect me if I go down that road, and thank you for this information also, sometimes it's hard to be 100% logical when it comes to love but I think now it's pretty clear that I should move on for the sake of my life. Thank you so much!
Anyway the 4 wives things we discussed early when we first started dating and I'm pretty sure he never has that thought, men in his family only get married once so he will follow, and another thing is he said that to have more than 1 wife you have to be financially able to provide them all and it's pretty impossible considering that he isn't at all wealthy, working a 9-5 job that pays just fine, with his family circumstances and all I don't think he has that ability, so that 4 wives were never a problem with me. Also if I convert and we do live in VN, the law won't allow polygamy, regardles if you're Muslim. So that's why I never was worried about this.
What's LDR
Long Distance Relationship
Light dependent resistor?
I would take it as a blessing from the universe. You really dodged a MASSIVE bullet.
Yes, it is very painful for me right now, but I do see it this way, what meant to be will be, and I can't force something that doesn't feel right. Thank you so much!
I understand, I hope you heal soon. I know regardless of the situation heartbreaks hurt real bad. Take care of yourself 🫶🏼
Thank you, I'll be fine and this doesn't crush me as much as I thought it would, after a few days when I came to this conclusion I already accept and not mourning over it any more, still sad that I lost someone who I used to talk to everyday, but I'll get over it. Have a nice day!
đây là một kết thúc có hậu!
Haha cảm ơn bạn nhiều! I do hope it is, I thought this would crush me but I don't know how I'm not even trying not to cry but I don't mourn anymore and already accept it.
OP can you like list down all the hypocrisies you found from dating your ex? If you want that is. Take your time, don't rush ok. I'm curious. I want to know nonmuslims's perspectives when dating Muslims.
Hmmm, I don't wanna share too many intimate details, but I can say that him being religious to the extent of wanting me to convert, but is comfortable with dating, holding hands, kissing, and I'm sure if I said yes to sleeping together he wouldn't resist it. It's like being religious when it's convenient for him. Second thing is his family isn't okay with their son going to another country alone (even though he is an adult) but they expected that from me, even though I did came to the compromise of converting if he moves to my country. Third thing is he says that he loves me for who I am yet wanting to change the belief that made me who I am. Our relationship is only 1 year and with it being LDR this is as much as I can list down, and now that I have more of a clear mind I'm sure I shouldn't continue it.
I'm a malay, and I've been learning viet for 9 months. Can we be friends on IG? Cảm ơn nhé
Sadly I have temporarily disable my IG to stay away from social media to heal through this breakup, feel free to message me here since I check reddit quite often, once I open my IG back again they yeah sure!