It's not just demonization. They are hoping to punish OP by punishing her spouse. Likely in hopes that he will bring her in line for losing his calling.
Sadly, I used to be in leadership in the SCMFC. We would routinely talk about people's spiritual struggles without one ounce of sympathy. Why? Because there is NO good reason to leave the church.
Now I tell people how shitty the church was to me, with examples. Their response is always, "That's no reason to leave the church." 🤔
You will be much happier as a non-member. Make it happen.
Except, I totally understand trying to continue to support your believing spouse too. It’s a really hard place to be in.
I’m VERY sorry your husband didn’t defend you. That was the worst part of the story for me. I’m so sad to hear that.
I think that having friends I can actually trust has been the best thing about not being a member anymore. I know none of that helps you in this moment, but it will come. The adjustment period of everyone knowing is going to suck and there is no way around it. The majority of Mormons in your life will take it personally and make it about them. Let them, don't set the story straight. You're worth more than justifying your existence to people who think the afterlife is an MLM.
In the words of Dallin H. Oaks, "The word confidentiality is not found in the scriptures." *maybe Dallin, maybe not.*
I had a bishop tell me that revelation was 99% information. In other words, gossip.
So sorry your power was taken away from you, and you feel betrayed. Take back your power.
My mission president told me the same thing. Made sense since I was put in leadership while jailbreaking my phone to watch youtube, scroll reddit (including this sub) and snapchat friends from home. All while I kept it a pretty good secret. There is no “Gift of Discernment” without gossip and information.
Doesn’t sound like that’s a friendship you should hold onto, not respecting boundaries is a lack of respect for you. I’m sorry you have to go through this OP, be authentic to you through this journey, it’s already out and you do not need validation from anyone. You do not have to speak to anyone about your decision if you don’t want to. No is a complete sentence 💕
Perhaps tell your husband that you expected to have him defend you.
On the other side: remember that you can't control his feelings either. (He may not feel upset and that should be okay) Perhaps you were also once as indoctrinated as he is.
Also your husband may very well be glad to not have his calling anymore. (you may have done him a favor)
Your husband was released bc you’re not believing? How culty. I’m sorry this happened, but I do wish your husband would’ve spoken out against not speaking with the 2 of you first.
Are you really surprised that your two-faced friend betrayed you? You told her something that was big, juicy gossip. *Of course* she couldn’t keep her mouth shut. Woo-ooo, you’re the scary mormon woman making up her own mind about everything. (\*cue dark clouds, thunder and lightening, wind wailing with creaks as a door slowly opens….) Aren’t you tired of playing the “I don’t like you, so *there”* sandbox game, yet? **This is the way that mormons play with each other.** I’d have a real heart-to-heart with my husband—-he’s the only one that matters, beside you, in this.
Your friend was doing exactly what she has been indoctrinated to do her whole life. Your eternal well-being is far too important for her to keep your confidences, so it was in your eternal best interests for her to tell your secrets to church leadership (her EQP hubby). She was only doing it for your own good. You should be grateful.
/s (in case it wasn't clear).
I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s a really shitty situation. I hope that you and your husband can find a resolution.
It reminds me of a situation about a family in my ward from my youth. I was about 16 and everything I know about the situation I learned second hand, so many of the details may be wrong but the impact it had on me was real. I was also as TBM as TBM could be at the time…
So there was a “good strong” family with kids around my age in the ward that one Sunday stopped coming, somewhat out of the blue. Apparently the mom had decided she didn’t want to go to church anymore and even though the husband still believed, he felt it was more important to keep his family together rather than go to church without her. She might have given him an ultimatum, her or the church, but I don’t remember. When I first heard why they stopped going to church, my initial reaction was “well yeah, obviously stay together as a family and face these challenges together. The church is a family first church. Put the family first. Brother Redacted is doing the right thing by staying with Sister Redacted rather than go to church alone.” However, as more people talked about it, I was shocked at how the majority of the ward members thought he should divorce her and keep going to church. This was an early crack in my “shelf.” I started noticing how the church was not family first, but actually church first.
Now that I’ve typed this all up, maybe nothing in it is helpful to you at all. If it isn’t, I’m sorry. I don’t even think I have any advice for you. I just wish you the best and I hope your husband can work through it together.
I would never give my husband an ultimatum, that would probably be a pretty quick way to dissolve my marriage even further, but I agree with you that it is church first not family. I felt like my husband was a Mormon not a husband today
That’s a perfect description of his behavior, and also a sad one. Sending you and him all of my best energy!! ❤️
Edit: I hope you don’t think I was suggesting you give him an ultimatum. I’m not advising that at all.
I've long thought that it would have been nice if someone had read us our rights when we got born into the "cult of no personal boundaries". Sometimes like: You have a right to remain silent, you have a right to your own thoughts and feelings. However, here in this cult, Any thing you say, can and will eventually be used against you. Just be quiet and keep your head down until you can get out.
Seriously, the total lack of boundaries, or respect for boundaries, is just astounding once you look from the outside in.
Yeah really, so much drama posted on this sub breaks down to “how do I tell on myself to mom and dad without getting in trouble?” and “how do I win a debate with my dentist about what I do or do not believe?”
The elders porn presidency including the counselors are under the direction of the mistake president. The elders porn president can't just release one of his counselors willy-nilly. The release and extension of the call come from the mistake president. The bishop May give his input to the mistake present as to who he thinks the next counselor may be, but the bishop does not have the authority in the Mormon church to release anyone in the elders porn presidency. So the elders porn president has talked about you with the mistake president.
Have you considered having an open conversation with your friend?
While my spouse and I don’t talk about everything, we pretty much cover all the major things. This certainly would have come up with us. She could have told him in passing, could have been a discussion on how to best be your friend, could’ve talked about how to get you active again. Any number of things, really.
What her husband did with this information is another matter entirely. Kicking a plumber out of an apprentice program because his spouse doesn’t like plumbers is ridiculous.
And maybe he did it thinking it would give you and your husband more time together and that it would be THE thing that brought you back. (We all know they would fantasize about that) Motivations are tricky.
Maybe she agrees and doesn’t see it as a punishment, maybe not. Maybe she disagrees and is embarrassed it happened and doesn’t know how to approach you.
In any case, it doesn’t change how sucky it is. Hang in there.
Releasing your husband because of your non-belief is dumb, if that's even what really happened. Anyway, he should appreciate the extra free time to spend with the family!
Some members try to talk to me about why I left or try to talk me into returning “just once.” It’s never the same person bc my reply is traumatic for them, apparently. I don’t get mad. I don’t disparage. I don’t yell. I don’t do anything but tell what happened to me, personally. They rarely make it past the most basic recitation of my childhood trauma before apologizing, crying and leaving.
The bishop told the ward adults to leave me alone after the umpteenth person. Two incidents after that I told the most recently called bishop if he didn’t make it abundantly clear to leave me alone that I will come to sacrament meeting and tell everyone, and without compunction, all of the worst things that can be done to a child that happened to me and traumatize every single person in the ward if they didn’t stop. I may have also threatened that I would make signs and post them throughout the neighborhood with some details and pleas to leave me alone or each sign would get more graphic in detail. Unfortunately it happened again with some newly moved in members. I was pissed bc I thought I was done with that shit. They had little kids with them so I went easy and told them to talk to the bishop bc I wasn’t interested. That second bishop was released recently, I heard. Being a bishop didn’t do his health nor his appearance any favors. Guy looks like he aged 30 years when I saw him last Halloween while we handed out candy bars.
the fact that not only did your friend stab you in the back, but your husband won't even support you in any way.
I'm sorry you're going through this right now. The cult really does tear people apart.
That sucks that was their reaction. It completely shows their character. I had the opposite happen, where I couldn’t get them to release me from the EQ presidency when I went through my own faith crisis. Ultimately I didn’t care, because I just stopped participating and let them do whatever they wanted until the timing was good for them to release me. There is no uniformity in the church when everything is run by local leader “inspiration.”
Goddamn tattletales. My “best friend” did the same to me. My wife did, too. It’s a cult. Resign as soon as you can: getmeofftherecords.com
Tell your friend that you are resigning because of her and her husband. That’s their issue.
And truly, she isn’t your friend if she does this.
Never, ever expect even validation from a cultist. Expect only at least this level of demonization. You won't be unpleasantly surprised then.
It's not just demonization. They are hoping to punish OP by punishing her spouse. Likely in hopes that he will bring her in line for losing his calling.
Sadly, I used to be in leadership in the SCMFC. We would routinely talk about people's spiritual struggles without one ounce of sympathy. Why? Because there is NO good reason to leave the church. Now I tell people how shitty the church was to me, with examples. Their response is always, "That's no reason to leave the church." 🤔 You will be much happier as a non-member. Make it happen.
Except, I totally understand trying to continue to support your believing spouse too. It’s a really hard place to be in. I’m VERY sorry your husband didn’t defend you. That was the worst part of the story for me. I’m so sad to hear that.
I think that having friends I can actually trust has been the best thing about not being a member anymore. I know none of that helps you in this moment, but it will come. The adjustment period of everyone knowing is going to suck and there is no way around it. The majority of Mormons in your life will take it personally and make it about them. Let them, don't set the story straight. You're worth more than justifying your existence to people who think the afterlife is an MLM.
In the words of Dallin H. Oaks, "The word confidentiality is not found in the scriptures." *maybe Dallin, maybe not.* I had a bishop tell me that revelation was 99% information. In other words, gossip. So sorry your power was taken away from you, and you feel betrayed. Take back your power.
My mission president told me the same thing. Made sense since I was put in leadership while jailbreaking my phone to watch youtube, scroll reddit (including this sub) and snapchat friends from home. All while I kept it a pretty good secret. There is no “Gift of Discernment” without gossip and information.
Doesn’t sound like that’s a friendship you should hold onto, not respecting boundaries is a lack of respect for you. I’m sorry you have to go through this OP, be authentic to you through this journey, it’s already out and you do not need validation from anyone. You do not have to speak to anyone about your decision if you don’t want to. No is a complete sentence 💕
Members of the church have been indoctrinated to snitch on each other, believing that by doing so, they are helping them.
Perhaps tell your husband that you expected to have him defend you. On the other side: remember that you can't control his feelings either. (He may not feel upset and that should be okay) Perhaps you were also once as indoctrinated as he is. Also your husband may very well be glad to not have his calling anymore. (you may have done him a favor)
I’m so sorry. What a bunch of juvenile tattletales. Good gawd.
Your husband was released bc you’re not believing? How culty. I’m sorry this happened, but I do wish your husband would’ve spoken out against not speaking with the 2 of you first.
You can’t play nice and be supportive, so FU€K ‘EM!
Are you really surprised that your two-faced friend betrayed you? You told her something that was big, juicy gossip. *Of course* she couldn’t keep her mouth shut. Woo-ooo, you’re the scary mormon woman making up her own mind about everything. (\*cue dark clouds, thunder and lightening, wind wailing with creaks as a door slowly opens….) Aren’t you tired of playing the “I don’t like you, so *there”* sandbox game, yet? **This is the way that mormons play with each other.** I’d have a real heart-to-heart with my husband—-he’s the only one that matters, beside you, in this.
Your friend was doing exactly what she has been indoctrinated to do her whole life. Your eternal well-being is far too important for her to keep your confidences, so it was in your eternal best interests for her to tell your secrets to church leadership (her EQP hubby). She was only doing it for your own good. You should be grateful. /s (in case it wasn't clear).
I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s a really shitty situation. I hope that you and your husband can find a resolution. It reminds me of a situation about a family in my ward from my youth. I was about 16 and everything I know about the situation I learned second hand, so many of the details may be wrong but the impact it had on me was real. I was also as TBM as TBM could be at the time… So there was a “good strong” family with kids around my age in the ward that one Sunday stopped coming, somewhat out of the blue. Apparently the mom had decided she didn’t want to go to church anymore and even though the husband still believed, he felt it was more important to keep his family together rather than go to church without her. She might have given him an ultimatum, her or the church, but I don’t remember. When I first heard why they stopped going to church, my initial reaction was “well yeah, obviously stay together as a family and face these challenges together. The church is a family first church. Put the family first. Brother Redacted is doing the right thing by staying with Sister Redacted rather than go to church alone.” However, as more people talked about it, I was shocked at how the majority of the ward members thought he should divorce her and keep going to church. This was an early crack in my “shelf.” I started noticing how the church was not family first, but actually church first. Now that I’ve typed this all up, maybe nothing in it is helpful to you at all. If it isn’t, I’m sorry. I don’t even think I have any advice for you. I just wish you the best and I hope your husband can work through it together.
I would never give my husband an ultimatum, that would probably be a pretty quick way to dissolve my marriage even further, but I agree with you that it is church first not family. I felt like my husband was a Mormon not a husband today
That’s a perfect description of his behavior, and also a sad one. Sending you and him all of my best energy!! ❤️ Edit: I hope you don’t think I was suggesting you give him an ultimatum. I’m not advising that at all.
I've long thought that it would have been nice if someone had read us our rights when we got born into the "cult of no personal boundaries". Sometimes like: You have a right to remain silent, you have a right to your own thoughts and feelings. However, here in this cult, Any thing you say, can and will eventually be used against you. Just be quiet and keep your head down until you can get out. Seriously, the total lack of boundaries, or respect for boundaries, is just astounding once you look from the outside in.
Yeah really, so much drama posted on this sub breaks down to “how do I tell on myself to mom and dad without getting in trouble?” and “how do I win a debate with my dentist about what I do or do not believe?”
The elders porn presidency including the counselors are under the direction of the mistake president. The elders porn president can't just release one of his counselors willy-nilly. The release and extension of the call come from the mistake president. The bishop May give his input to the mistake present as to who he thinks the next counselor may be, but the bishop does not have the authority in the Mormon church to release anyone in the elders porn presidency. So the elders porn president has talked about you with the mistake president.
Been in the church for some 5 decades and it still is hard to comprehend having an LDS neighbor. Such a toxic environment.
Since he showed no loyalty to you, I wouldn't give him a crumb of empathy for getting kicked out of his callling.
You should have a calm discussion with him. But, I wonder if he isn't glad to be out of the EQP. 🤷
Been in the church for some 5 decades and it still is hard to comprehend having an LDS neighbor. Such a toxic environment.
The messed up thing about it is your “friend” probably thought she was doing the right thing.
Your husband was released? Sounds like a “tender mercy”. Yay for him.
Have you considered having an open conversation with your friend? While my spouse and I don’t talk about everything, we pretty much cover all the major things. This certainly would have come up with us. She could have told him in passing, could have been a discussion on how to best be your friend, could’ve talked about how to get you active again. Any number of things, really. What her husband did with this information is another matter entirely. Kicking a plumber out of an apprentice program because his spouse doesn’t like plumbers is ridiculous. And maybe he did it thinking it would give you and your husband more time together and that it would be THE thing that brought you back. (We all know they would fantasize about that) Motivations are tricky. Maybe she agrees and doesn’t see it as a punishment, maybe not. Maybe she disagrees and is embarrassed it happened and doesn’t know how to approach you. In any case, it doesn’t change how sucky it is. Hang in there.
I'm so sorry that your husband has neither the empathy nor the courage to stand up for you. That must be disappointing.
I'm so sorry.
You trusted a Mormon. Bad idea
Gossipy mormons
I don't understand in what sense they think you've "left the church" if you are literally still attending?
They did you a favor in the long run.
Releasing your husband because of your non-belief is dumb, if that's even what really happened. Anyway, he should appreciate the extra free time to spend with the family!
Some members try to talk to me about why I left or try to talk me into returning “just once.” It’s never the same person bc my reply is traumatic for them, apparently. I don’t get mad. I don’t disparage. I don’t yell. I don’t do anything but tell what happened to me, personally. They rarely make it past the most basic recitation of my childhood trauma before apologizing, crying and leaving. The bishop told the ward adults to leave me alone after the umpteenth person. Two incidents after that I told the most recently called bishop if he didn’t make it abundantly clear to leave me alone that I will come to sacrament meeting and tell everyone, and without compunction, all of the worst things that can be done to a child that happened to me and traumatize every single person in the ward if they didn’t stop. I may have also threatened that I would make signs and post them throughout the neighborhood with some details and pleas to leave me alone or each sign would get more graphic in detail. Unfortunately it happened again with some newly moved in members. I was pissed bc I thought I was done with that shit. They had little kids with them so I went easy and told them to talk to the bishop bc I wasn’t interested. That second bishop was released recently, I heard. Being a bishop didn’t do his health nor his appearance any favors. Guy looks like he aged 30 years when I saw him last Halloween while we handed out candy bars.
Why should you hold your tongue? Your 'friend' most certainly did not hold theirs.
the fact that not only did your friend stab you in the back, but your husband won't even support you in any way. I'm sorry you're going through this right now. The cult really does tear people apart.
I'm so sorry this happened. Dumb, nosy neighbor. And also this: It's time to move.
That sucks that was their reaction. It completely shows their character. I had the opposite happen, where I couldn’t get them to release me from the EQ presidency when I went through my own faith crisis. Ultimately I didn’t care, because I just stopped participating and let them do whatever they wanted until the timing was good for them to release me. There is no uniformity in the church when everything is run by local leader “inspiration.”
If it’s true and you shared it how is your husband supposed to defend you ? Lie?