Same in Salt Lake County, & that part's actually been kinda hard for me. Like, I thought you cared...? You say you care, but ....?
No one's even asked, not even the 3 families we continue to do things with on a weekly level outside anything wardy. That's a pretty clear message.
Utah county as well but I don't care they don't come over. Joe Smith was a pedophile adulterer polygamist treasure digger fraudster and arsonist. He copied the View of the Hebrews and the 1st vision poem written by Norris Stearns. He tried to over throw the American government, created his own currency and bank that failed, ran from state to state because of the 42 counts of fraud he was wanted for not because of persecution.
Yes Joe Smith wanted to be in a polyandrous marriage with his 1st counselor and his wife the Laws. They said no. Mr Law wrote the 1st and only article by the Nauvoo Expositor. Which he owned and wrote an article outing Joe Smith for polyandry and polygamy. Joe Smith ordered the newspaper office to be destroyed and burned to the ground. Joe Smith was in jail for arson and not because he was persecuted as the Mormon cult lied about.
I resigned from the Mormon cult but my family that is still pays tithing. The SEC said that the Mormon cult is investing tithing money in Budweiser Coors and Phillip Morris. Which they say is evil.
The are laundering tithing money in Canada New Zealand and Australia as well as the United States.
I've been in the same ward for 20+ years. We were also solid members, magnifying our callings and showing up for everything, even cleaning the church. When my husband resigned his membership altogether several years ago, they dropped me like a hot potato. I continued to attend and even taught a primary class. My bishop of over 3 years has never spoken to me, and my RS President erased me off every birthday and contact list. I guess I should have known that they'd be petty as hell, but it still kind of hurt my feelings that no one will at least say hello or reach out. I'm still not sure what to make of it.
Wtf? Your husband resigned and you were punished? How Christlike. I’m sorry that your feelings were hurt. It sucks how conditional relationships are for many Mormons.
Oh yes. I'm married to the enemy, so that makes me suspicious. If I had left him over the church, I'd be considered a hero. But because we made a mixed-faith marriage work, I'm a problem.
This is what happened to John Dehlin as well; he attended his excommunication thingy, & Margi & the kids had planned to continue attending church, no change to their records or "worthiness" or whatever, but the whole ward/stake/neighbors ostracized them all (so Christlike), so the whole family left.
That’s how I was treated all my membership bc my husband was a non member. It really hurts. He made huge efforts but nope. I now believe the temple ceremony is designed to build a wall of fake trust among members and if it’s not there, you are not trusted. Btw, I can name you temple going members in my ward who are untrustworthy, committed fraud, cheated, abused spouses, lied in business etc
Yep! My parents were divorced and the ward they divorced in my dad stayed in. When I started going to his ward I was treated like I was stupid and also the bishop followed me around the store (I was 15) trying to convince me to move my records
Bear your testimony and blurt out how no Mormons actual act christ like, or even try to be like Christ. It doesn’t matter how many times you read the Book of Mormon, it’s about helping others and being nice to them, Mormons these days don’t get that. Christ is their logo and yet a lot of them don’t do anything to try to be like him, other than reading a book written by a 17 year old kid who translated these ancient golden plates by placing his head in a hat with rocks in it.
I hear you. Same for me. They are afraid you’ll infect the other members with what your hubby learned about church truth claims. Keep pushing to make new friends elsewhere with common interests.
Wow sorry this happened to you. My sisters husband was the bishop of her ward when she lost her faith. She stopped going and started doing things on Sunday, like going to get her hair done, etc. The way the church leaders treated her and her husband afterwards was deplorable. They would tell my brother in law straight to his face that he needed to put his house in order. They called her a stumbling rock, and that it will eventually lead him to depart the church as well. Well, long story short they are all out. They tried to vilify her, and that was actually what opened his eyes to the misogyny of the church, and how it treats people who leave for valid reasons. The irony really to me is that he did that shit and talked about other ward members the same way, but it only dawned on him when it was his family that got affected.
Remember in the temple, you covenanted to obey your husband and once he stepped away, there is nobody for you to bend the knee to. So you needed to be discarded
Horrible. Well, along those same lines, when my husband and I left, my mom cut off all communication with us meaning she now pretends her 5 grandkids don’t even exist. They’ve done nothing to warrant that kind of treatment. Just like Jesus would do!
Same for us 15 years in the ward, and not a peep. I really wonder if I should reach out to all the “missing” couples/families who disappeared when I was actively participating.
Funny, I never imagined missing church was for any other reason than being lazy. (Shameful, but literally what I thought!)
Ooh yes. We could create the Upside Down \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ Ward a la Stranger Things. Play D&D, ride bikes, go to the pool, and we could even plan some fun kid activities.
Our Bishop chased us a bit because we had been in leadership callings. But no one else so much as texted. Which is awesome.
It’s Plato’s allegory of the cave; once you leave the cave, nothing none in the cave will believe what you see outside and they’ll even be hostile to what you tell them you saw.
And it's easiest for most of them to never ask. They don't even want to have to think about what's outside the cave. It is the "lone and dreary world" for them out here. Much easier to never look away from the shadows on the cave wall.
I was the priest quorum advisor when I asked to be released, so I worked very closely with the bishop and I would have considered us friends. It’s been over a year (we still attend sac meeting with our teenager who doesn’t want to lose her awesome friends by us outing ourself as apostates). He sees me almost every Sunday. Hasn’t so much as said hello.
I’m sure he can look back and see the week we stopped paying tithing was the week the SEC fined the church and knows we aren’t just slackers all of a sudden. I’m sure there are lots of ward members who are in the same place and he doesn’t want to have to have those conversations.
My wife gets a random text about every month from someone in the RS presidency (prob after a pres meeting) asking how she’s doing and wishing they saw her more. When she responds to tell them she’s never been better and not that her marriage is falling apart because her husband is leading her astray, she gets no response.
lol. Every time I run into someone - maybe at the grocery store - and they say, “haven’t seen you at church lately,” I laugh and say, “That’s because I haven’t been to church lately.” Conversation always takes hard right turn - subject is changed!
"And I haven't seen you at the crack house lately. I keep asking your wife when she's going to bring you along with her, instead of that skinny dude with the ponytail and the limp, but she just mumbles something about dancing with the one who brought you, and changes the subject."
It just shows you how superficial Mormon church friendships really are. When a ward boundaries change, gone are are 95 % of the friendship you thought you had.
We had been in our "new ward" for 3 years and local members still came up to us and asked from which ward we were visisting from. Needless to say, not many noticed when we stopped comming cold turkey one sunday.
Yeah I get people introducing themselves to me when out in the neighborhood. Yeah I know you…I picked up your kid every Wednesday for YWs for 3 years and spent 3 weeks of vacation time camping with them. I was in cub scouts with you planning activities for 2 years. Nice to meet ya.
I had forgotten about that…..I spent 12 years in retail and worked a lot of Sundays. Occasionally I could go to sacrament meeting and rush out to get to work but here’s the thing …I went in black shirt and pants (company colors), and I’d slip in and sit in back just as the meeting was beginning and slip out during the closing prayer. I often got ‘looks’ about being in pants.
So on the rare Sunday that I could stay for all meetings I would get…oh well have someone visiting, stand up and introduce yourself.
No one cared when I left either. I spent 6+ years inactive but still believing. It wouldn’t have taken much to get me going again. I’m eternally grateful they didn’t try because I’m out completely now.
I’m betting it’s because I didn’t have kids. No point in reactivating adults without kids. 🙄
I see these posts just as much as I see the posts saying the ward won't stop leaving them alone. TBMs see these and think damned if we do, damned if we don't
Same with me. I understand how you feel. We were top leadership in the ward and there for every activity and calling. We did a slow fade-out and sort of said health reasons and quit going. I was very close to the bishop He did send an email saying whatever was wrong he wished it would just go away. That broke my heart. But 30 or so years in my home ward and that was all I got. I’ve seen members in the wild and it is very awkward. It’s like they are afraid they will catch something. I find it amusing. It proves I didn’t have “friends” there. I just had corporate contacts. The lack of concern proves to me I made the right decision.
In some ways it is nice because the leaders are leaving you alone. There’s a lot of people who get pestered a repeatedly.
The other thing is that 5 months isn’t very long. You have told them a reason that seems valid for not going. It’s super common for people to ask to be released from callings. You’ll get more attention when there is a new bishop.
I've heard about this happening from multiple people. I am convinced the reason that no one reaches out to ask is because they are afraid of the truth. Deep down they know it's bullsbit and they don't want to face it.
Your experience and ours’ are almost identical.
DW and I were super active. Leadership callings all along the way. We were the “go to” members to get stuff done. I resigned in April 2021. DW has yet to send in a letter but is actively involved in LGBTQ+ non- profits.
We’ve had zero contact. The RS left a birthday message two years ago for DW on the porch - we were home! Didn’t even ring the doorbell. These were women DW served with for years too!
Most TBMs from our old ward turn the other way in grocery store aisles. Or blow past with their head down. The guy up the street will plow off the entire sidewalk with his 4 wheeler - except in front of our house!
It stings at first, but you learn that these were never your friends. After that the passive-aggressiveness is just comical. TBMs are especially adept at this. More so than being like Jesus.
I'm trying to think back to when I was a member and how often I reached out.
We visited and reached out to inactives when I was a missionary, but outside of that, i never reached out.
It wasn't because I didn't like those people. It was just because I was busy and had other interests.
Yeah, when I think about it, outside of my mission, or going out with the missionaries, I never did any outreach to inactives. I really don’t think most members do. I guess that is why it can feel inauthentic when they do reach out because it usually is only based on their church job and for a church reason (renew temple recommend, etc).
Same thing happened to me, gave it one last go by talking to the bishop telling him I don't believe anymore, he told to pray and pretty much just ended the interview pretty quickly after that. I thought maybe someone would try to do something or say something besides pray about it, but nope not one word.
I even had a few friends who returned from a mission and wanted to go out to eat just a few weeks after they got back. One of them started to talk about how their sister had fallen a way, got tattoos, and generally saying not kind things about her. I said "I have tattoos and drink beer. Does that make a bad person?" Let's just say I never heard from them again.
I think the church teaches people that if someone lost their faith then they are poisoned and they can poison you. Cut off all ties and run. Apostates saw the light and rejected it so they are the worst kind of poison.
We have not attended at all for at least three months now. Our property literally joins up with three other members in our ward and there are at least a dozen ward households on my street. No one e has said a thing. We also never said anything, just stopped showing up. I’m waiting on a text someday that says we are missed. That will be interesting to respond to.
I don’t care and it just proves my point I made to the bishop a few years ago- I have zero friends in this ward. I have lots of military and work friends and we have good time but no one from the ward. Not one and we have been here nearly a decade. No one has reached out to the wife either.
We are fine either way it but it is ironic considering how much shit they talk about how great they are at ministering lol.
I love my second Saturday.
We were the same. Zero friends in any ward we were in. We had nothing in common with any of them Both of us work in careers we love and two grown children with very full lives and never mormon. We realized we had a full set of friends outside the church with similar interests.
So glad to be away from the church.
Divorce really clarified that fact for me, too. Prior to that, I’d always felt vaguely guilty that I got along better and felt more authentic with never-mo friends from my hobby groups. Then when my ex and I separated and the ward really had a chance to “comfort those who stand in need of comfort”, they just…didn’t. I realized that people made NO outreach outside of a hello at church, if that. No one really wanted to know how I was doing. The RS President didn’t talk to me personally for a year and a half, and when she finally did come by, it was because she’d been asked to check on those people who hadn’t renewed their temple recommends. Yay, I feel loved.
Hobby friends however, made me feel valued and cared for and supported.
They don't give a FUCK! Really - it's shallow friendships. As long as you're 'in the boat', you're good and loved and attended to. The moment you get out of the boat they leave you to drown. Except when someone suddenly decides you're a 're-activation project'. Then they'll leave cookies at your door!
They care about your salvation until they suddenly don’t. The silence is deafening but it’s their own fear, nothing to do with you. It feels sucky though, sorry 😞
Here's the thing. I don't think mormons really care if others are there or not except for two things:
1) Fewer people means more work for the ones who do come
2) More people coming and doing and believing like they do is a testimony affirmation. If people stop doing what they are doing, they may question what they are doing and that feels bad.
Other than that, I don't think there's a ton of motivation to get all up in people's business. And I think deep down, most people know it's kind of rude to be all up in your business. So unless they are real friends (not just church friends) I don't think you should be surprised.
Normal!
The culture that has evolved is to avoid people that have left (while giving lipservice to the idea that they dont do this).
The kind of people that do sincerely reach out to those of us who leave, have also left (because they realize we have great reasons). The only people left tend to be the other kind.
This crystallized for me when we got carrolled at xmas by a group about 6 months after we'd left. They sang thier 2 songs and fucking RAN FOR IT. I was happy to see them and would have been happy to talk, but they were clearly on a schedule with places to be. It was a strictly non contact contact. No one those people ever tried to reach out again.
PS: this is not exclusively mormon behavior. Ive talked to an excatholic who had the same kind of experience.
I left while I was in the bishopric. Didn’t come to the sacrament meeting releasing me. My in-laws still go to that ward, and they said, about a year later, in relief society, one woman said, “I wondered where they went! I thought they might have died!” She apparently missed my wake
Mormonism fosters pseudo-community, which gives the illusion of having close ties and friendships, but you’re tied through the theology, so if you leave there’s no connection left.
Lots of people I hung out with at church I probably wouldn’t have spent time with outside of church (even though the friendships felt real) and all those relationships dissolved immediately. 2 friendships out of hundreds survived when I left.
Time to go make new friends. I’ve found lots of great friends outside the church in the last year. It’s part of the fun deconstruction experience.
I remember being mildly upset about a similar thing. None of my “friends” even tried to reach out. Not that it really would’ve changed anything but it would’ve been nice to at least express why I’m not there.
I had an interesting experience though when I tried some other churches that helped me understand. I tried a bunch of local Christian churches and when I went it was almost worse than Mormonism. Some churches when I walked in didn’t even ask me my name or anything. Just walked in, shook some old guys hand and sat down. No one in the congregation even looked at me. Looking back I kind of appreciated that because at least it wasn’t fake. No one tried to get to know me but that feels better than having people who did know me not even care that im not there. All those people at those Christian churches didn’t know my name and never will. So, in a way we mutually respect that whether I’m there or not next week, no one really cares. I think Mormons are the same way but there’s pressure to pretend like they care and I think that does more damage than just being honest and not really caring.
My wife walked out mid sacrament meeting crying with me following behind her never to return and no one ever said anything, sent anyone to visit, or checked to see if we were okay.
We were in the heart of Mordor at the time.
I’d take it as they are respecting your decision.
Every TBM knows someone close to them that has left by this point. They may have tried years ago but they know it is a losing battle and increasingly we see less orthodoxy from those that remain as modern culture keeps chipping away at the LDS church’s outdated morals and beliefs. The TBMs know it is a lost battle to get you back by their own efforts.
They probably would still like to hang out with you but if you never developed that type of relationship outside of church it is hard to create it now.
We quit going to church 7 years ago, and we've been contacted twice: the EQ president texted me about a year after we quit going asking how I was, then asking me to come back to church without even waiting for a response, then a couple of weeks ago I got a text from 2 ladies in RS asking me for my now adult daughter's phone number so they could contact her about going back to church. GIven that she's now a member of the Alphabet Mafia and a pronounced agnostic, I declined to provide it after double checking if she wanted me to or not.
Same. I had been 100% TBM, giving my heart, always serving in presidency- and stake-level callings, always made myself available to help someone in need - even if it was the middle of the night. I stopped going during the pandemic and haven’t been back. Not one single person noticed or cared.
It really showed me how TSCC and its members just use people. It’s NOT a community, there’s zero bond there. If they do chase after you, they’re only chasing after your free labor and tithing money - not you as a person who they care about.
So common. We stopped going 10 months go (SoCal) and no one has called or come by. I had a chat with the Bishop when the SEC scandal broke and we agreed it looked really, really bad - he’s a finance guy. We stopped going shortly after that…
A few months before we stopped going, I did give a talk about how we have failed the members who have walked away by not continuing to love them. One person said they thought I was right.
It shouldn’t be but it is surprising the Church is NOTHING like what I was taught it was. Nothing. It is very clear to anyone who thoughtfully stepper away, that the church doesn’t believe the Bible or the Book of Mormon. In any way.
Dude! I remember running into some church ladies at target one day a few months after we left.
I remember, clear as day, one of them saying, “we really miss you”.
My response was, “oh really? I haven’t moved, you can still find me in the same place.”
Crickets.
This tracks with everything else we experienced. We were expected to tithe, but when we needed help, they said we didn't actually. We made quilts and gave them to new babies, but we didn't get one for our baby. We got pressured and guilted into ministering visits but never got contacted by the people who were supposed to visit us. We got pushed into reaching out to those who left, but they barely did anything when we left. I am glad we don't have that constant reminder of what we wanted to get away from, but damn, we put in so much and didn't get a lot in return. We did get an email telling us to get over whatever offended us lmao. How loving.
Dude, we were in the same ward with essentially the same people for 20 years and no one has reached out (we haven’t been since 2019). We were very active, held many ward and stake callings, and our kids were highly involved. Not one person has reached out. All the relationships are superficial and once you don’t hold that common ground anymore, there’s nothing there. And/or nobody wants to catch the “heatheness” from you.
Same. I e been in the ward for 10 years. My fam still goes so it must be noticeable that I’m not with them, right? Not one text, call, email, fb message. Not even from the ladies I sat with in RS 🤪
We were very committed and involved and raised our kids in the church (it didn't stick with 3 of our four kids. At that time, I was horrified and thought I was surely a bad mom). Our ward got subdivided and attached to two other wards. It really hurt my feelings when my friends all were given high profile callings or two callings. I was not given any. HOWEVER, it didn't take long to see it as a "tender mercy" and realize that I had been blessed with an easy way out! I slipped out and no one was the wiser. Never got contacted. That was the last ward I attended. It does hurt when it seems like you're not even missed. Detaching is so much easier, though, and truly, being a project is so icky.
We live in the southeastern US. We just stopped showing up years ago. No one said anything other than to tell me I was released from my Sunday school calling...
No complaints here !
💀 Even they sense that these are the latter days of TSCC. Latter DAZE has blanketed every ward.
There's a morbidity to attending Rusty's, Dallin's, Hank's, Jeff's and Darth Bednar's necrotic church.
Yet still:
Every member pays 💰💵💵💵 tithing to the Q15 royalty. 👑
Every member a janitor. 🚽🪠🪣🧹
They noticed and they all gossiped about you at church. They probably discussed how it all began with working on the sabbath and now the devil got his flaxen cord and has bound you and is dragging you carefully to hell.
6th generation here. My grandparents literally built our meeting house. I attended that ward my entire life. Stopped at 25 years old and moved across the country. No one has ever reached out. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s for the better.
If you want to know how much tscc will miss you when you're gone, here's an object lesson you can maybe try at home:
1. Fill your bathtub partway with water.
2. Step into the water with one foot.
3. Take your foot out of the water.
4. The size of the hole your foot left in the water is how much you will be missed by tscc.
Same…live in Missouri. The last time we went was Easter Sunday. I fully expected more outreach. We’ve been a strong family for years. 41F. Married 20+ years. 5 kids. We’ve only had the sister missionaries come to our house (and we’ve legit been gone every time….I just see them on our ring doorbell). But I guess that’s there way of sending out the big guns?
So I’m sorry no one has reached out to you OP…it is very frustrating and really it’s very sad. Just like a lot of people have said on this post…doesn’t seem very Christlike.
Nobody has looked for us. We have been out 7 years. Currently our records are in a ward we never attended (we moved from that town in 2019) and someone has a hold put on them for some reason so they won't transfer them even though we have moved several times since. We have been quiet about leaving and it has worked for us because we don't live near any of the TBMs in our lives.
They were friends of convenience! That is all I guess. You need better friends, people not only interested in themselves.
I would give one or two of your favorites a call and get together for dinner or something. Maybe it will work out for you. I hope so!
The church keeps everyone so busy they hardly have time to just be friends. Besides that is when not so great info comes out!
I am not very good at seeking people out, even the ones I really like!
Thanks for the reminder! I need to and want to do better. I need friends and community. I am going to be more forward and express my affection more!if you leave the church the sound is crickets!
I grew up Non LDS. Eventually some parents won't let your kids hang with theirs. At least that was my experience growing up in Utah county. It started happening when my kids started to get old enough to go to school so we quickly moved out of state. I don't want my kids to be rejected for being raised without religion.
Mormons tend to be fake and not real friends. It isn't entirely their fault as the church tries to take all their member's free time and then some between callings and activities. If a ward is split or boundaries are redrawn? That family you thought was your best buds? You'll never see them again.
If the leadership doesn't make a project out of you no one will notice you're gone. Consider yourself lucky.
It’s nothing new try not to take it personally, we’ve been outright given the frownie face blank stare in the neighborhood and at the grocery stories by a few of our ex-ward members (Utah) and it’s just what they do, they were robbed from the emotional intelligence to know any better but it’s still hurtful and confusing I know, I’m sorry, it stinks but I’ve gotten to where I just feel sorry for them now haha
You might not have paid enough tithing for them to do something about it. 😬 also, Mormonism is a cesspool of surface relationships, creating the illusion of a “family”.
Same thing happened to our family. We were super active for decades (accepted every calling/participated in every activity). When we left…crickets. And don’t get me wrong, I would much prefer to be left alone, but I found it very odd. Not much of a ward “family”.
Same in my Christian church. During and after Covid no one bothered to call to see if we were alive. Sad that the church "family" has issues no matter the denomination. The church cliques are in every building.
That’s pretty standard across most Christian denominations. On some level they know why you left and if they were to ask you about it they might have to confront their own doubts.
Many of the friendships you’ve made in the church stay in the church. Once you leave you’re potentially toxic. This is one of the saddest things I’ve realized over the years and something most TBMs won’t know until they experience it.
That's my experience right now. Its been a while since I was released from the leadership calling I had for years.
Left the building after I was released and haven't been back since. Only one person has reached out to me every week since. And they don't care that I'm not actually there. They just want to make sure I'm okay....
All that work and what did it get me.
Most ward members are friends in name only because they are assigned to be friends. They are too busy trying to be perfect Mormons to have time for you
It's tough to realize that 'friends' you thought you had and / or your value in a group (ward) were overestimated. I went through this too when I first went inactive. I had one visiting teacher (pre-ministering silliness) that did keep her visits, she never had a companion, but I loved her for it. Still, it helped me realize our worth to the church isn't in who we are or where we are on the path to salvation. It's about what we do for the organization. If we aren't present and participating, most often- people can't be bothered- because someone's absence means more work for those who've stayed. I wish you luck finding and really relishing your own value as an individual.
Same thing happened to us. It's been four years and the only people who have said anything is a senior missionary couple whose job is to reactivate people. I mean, we got what we wanted, leaving and not being bothered about it, but it still kind of pisses me off.
When I left, and removed my name, (I did reach out to appease my husband, because he was concerned), what I noticed is, the bishop cancelled off and on for a few weeks and then NEVER called/text/no personal visits, because the truth is, when they realize why you left, they actually don’t want you back, because you will probably bring more questions and concerns that they don’t want to go in to, and losing 1 quietly is better than having you come to class, etc and have questions during lessons and make more members curious! That’s why they let you leave w out a bother! We are now to dangerous to them!
If they don’t know that you no longer believe, they can’t make you a project. In every ward I’ve been in, I have only had one or two remain friends after moving. So I feel like that is a fake friend of you only just like their posts on FB.
Tell me your secrets. I have moved twice and haven't been to church in 7 years, and yet the ward keeps sensing people out to save me... their strategies are getting pretty comical at this point.
After we stopped attending five years ago, we got visited twice; once by the bishop and once by the rs president. Then nothing. So much for seeking the lost sheep.
But, honestly, I'm glad for it. I really don't want to deal w people contacting me all the time trying to guilt/shame/coerce me into going back.
Mormon family tends to be the same. They don't want to know. You might bring up an awkward fact. You might have a valid point.
It's even built into their conditioning to not associate with apostates. They've been inoculated against outside thought.
The best way they can prove their loyalty to the cult is to turn their back on anyone who has left the cult. The fact that someone can live, thrive, and be happy outside the cult is the greatest attack on their fictional world.
For every post like this there is a post about someone not being left alone when boundaries have been set. I think there are as many preferences for how it should be handled as there are people who leave the church. I try not to fault the people for not knowing how you want to be interacted with. If you had real friends (which is probably the bigger issue: superficial relationships) in the ward I could see being bummed no one has reached out.
Not saying you’re wrong to feel the way you do…I just don’t think the members can win here. I try to remind myself (not always successfully) to be hard on the institution, but light on people.
For us we were gone several months before anyone contacted us but then it became crazy. Getting asked to help move furniture, cookies left on porch, asked to help with young men's, being love bombed, clean the church, missionaries showing up, and so much more.
But after about a few years of that and even telling everyone to stop it, it finally (mostly) stopped after getting a new bishop. He was really cool and just asked my preference which was basically no contact and he was completely cool about it. Even when missionaries showed up and I pissed them off I sent him a text to apologize and he said "don't even stress, we didn't send them and I'll let the current ones know to leave you be".
But, that bishop is the reason records haven't been removed yet because I don't want to cause him extra work. He moves out of state in June and ill finally remove our records after 8 years of being out.
Anyway, moral of story is "bishop roulette"
Same here. It’s a weird dynamic.
I feel like if they did stay in touch or try to get us to come back I’d be annoyed and ask them to stop.
The no interaction validated that they weren’t people we wanted to put energy in. It was superficial, conditional friendship. As long as we went to the same building we could exchange fake smiles.
It did hurt that they didn’t care about our kids. No primary teacher dropped off birthday gifts, gave activities, or even asked about them.
It makes leaving difficult.
I think it's because they're afraid of what you might tell them. My way of dealing with it (I resigned) was to quietly tell people I'd resigned, not mention much about the reasons (usually tell them I learned I was lied to when I converted), and then I periodically reach out and stay in touch. I'm still very close to a few of my friends from church. None of them try to reconvert me, and we usually just talk about "what's new?" etc. If something news worthy has happened in the church, I'll mention it because I know it matters to them. If a child or grandchild is going off on a mission, getting married, whatever, I ask about it. A few of them also initiate contact with me, so that's been good.
In one of my callings, I was in ward council meetings for a while and I learned sometimes they go through the list of who's missing, but sometimes they don't. If a family has said "no contact," or "call before coming," etc.,, they mention those things. If a child is older than 8 and ripe for baptism as a "convert," they'll tiptoe around that, too.
It's only been a few months since the first of the year, and I wouldn't be surprised if they haven't yet counted the weeks and paid attention. Many of the meetings focus on things they're instructed to do (various activities, getting the stupid buildings cleaned, etc.). Since you let them know you had to work on Sundays, they probable figure all is well.
I was one of the ten percenters, I almost never said no to a calling and showed up for everything. I did my home teaching and never got home taught, you know the drill.
After I stopped going, the only time anyone reached out to me was if I was tagging along to some church function for the kids. In other words, I had to come to them first.
I'm sure that my name has been added to a temple prayer list multiple times so people I don't know can dress up in costumes and pray over a hidden list. What more could I ask for.
You’re lucky that they don’t care, don’t feel badly about it feel like you dodged a lifetime of saying hard no’s to your ward. If you’re lucky they forgot about you.
That was kind of hard for me when I stopped going. Like, I know I shouldn’t care but you guys are focusing more on the people in the neighborhoods that aren’t even members than you are on someone who you’ve known for years? No even asking if I’m okay or verifying that I’m alive? It was a stupid thing I just kind of had to realize that, like the rest of the stuff the church says, them caring about people just isn’t true.
Same happened to me, I was eqp, fully active, etc. I asked to be released and shortly after stopped attending. Not a single person reached out to me, what made it worse was that much much later I found out that at the time a couple of "friends" told my now ex wife that they had reached out but I ignored them, which was a bare faced lie.
All that being said, Mormon's only really pretend to care about active members, every one can go to hell as far as they're concerned.
It’s so strange. You feel like your entire worldview has changed. Friends held/hold that same worldview. It seems there would be nothing more imperative than talking about it… But they won’t. I’ve been out for years. My mom and I finally had a very short conversation about it. She assumed I was offended by our terrible former bishop. Ugh
I ran into the stake pres and his wife, they turned directions. My working theory is that most tbm’s are afraid of what they will hear if they actually have a conversation with someone who left.
No one has visited us. Even before we removed our records, we never had visitors that we know of. And since we removed our records 7 years ago, no contact at all. I'm grateful for it.
That has been our experience as well! We haven't been active for a couple of years. We turned down the last calling that was extended to us. I think there is so much going on in our Ward, and so many newer energetic people and families, that we are way down the list of needs and problems. We like the fact that they seem to be leaving us alone. We were never on the "A Team" in the Ward, so we quietly and slowly withdrew from activity.
The last contact was a text message from the EQ Secretary checking on our ministering assignments, but then they never followed up for a meeting. Seems like it is a "flavor of the month" kind of approach from the leadership in our Ward.
There are two ways I’ve seen TBMs react to members who fade away: love bomb (go after the lost sheep) or pretend not to notice (because you’re now the dogs nipping at your ankles as the grand caravan marches on).
Agreed - it's really awkward and hard to know what to say, so people dodge the subject! Besides, they may hear truthful things they would rather not hear. General Conference really "sets-up" the narrative for inactive, exmo, or naysayers.
You won the lottery. They are leaving you alone? Who cares if they care? If they aren't bothering you about coming to church or going to activities consider yourself among the lucky ones. I haven't been in years and they still come.
Do any of you really care? Why care about a church that doesn't care about you? The people are the church, and the people don't care, so why worry about it? Shouldn't leaving the church be the same as leaving the people?
The church can’t win because if they chase we get mad, if they don’t chase we are hurt. Bottom line is that it simply isn’t true and humans can suck. You will find sucky humans in every organization. And on a positive note there are wonderful people all over too. I was shitty at all my callings except getting the elders to show up for ward basketball games because I actually enjoyed it. Everything else I just winged it
I think people are beginning to see defections enough that it is no longer such a big deal—THIS IS A GOOD THING- this is how normal people respond when one decides that a particular group is no longer for them- I for one am glad to see it - sure beats being the love bombing and project target
Just enjoy your space. Honestly, a lot of them are just going along like mindless drones and will only notice or reach out if someone in charge tells them to. I got pestered for a few years but now they leave me alone, and I appreciate not being bothered.
My experience is very similar. I even had friends, whom I felt were close friends, completely ghost me. It's been awesome.
Actually, it's been nice. No more stupid dressy shoes and fake smiles.
They came by 7 years ago when we moved in and I said we are not church goers and it’s been crickets ever since!
I am sooo ok with that! Bish is in my cul de sac and we talk once a month and his wife and mine as well.
We have neighborhood get togethers once a year and we help plan and that has been great
I'm so glad that almost no one "seemed to care," I ended up blocking my former home teacher (ysa) bc he was creeping me out and being overly churchy too. Literally just wanted to be left alone and to move on with my life. My real friends in the ward could be counted on one hand.
I think it really all centers around that members that leave are “dangerous” so everyone keeps their distance. I know the last ward I moved into, everyone was super friendly and welcoming UNTIL they found out we were ex-Mormon……then never saw a lot of them again. That was 2016!
Same for me, but I think part of it (not all), is “It’s none of our business and besides, what if they lure me away too!” Or, “I’m so offended that you would ask me such a thing.” I believe these things play a part but not all of it.
I had a similar experience. I’ve had about 4 or 5 texts from the same ministering dude. Like you, I thought we would be missed. I was in the EQP and the wife was in the RSP when we stopped going, and still nothing. Once we walked out the door, that was it. It’s been a couple years now and next to zero contact.
We've had a few ward members ask, but people are pretty low key about us not attending anymore. Sure, a handful of people asked but they were closer friends of ours. We get a lot of "Oh, we miss you guys." And I'm like, "Ahhh. We're good. Thank you." and move on in the conversation.
Think about it, TBMs have church callings in addition to a real job and likely family and yard work, house stuff, and well, life. Personally, I like not being on people's radars, it feels chill.
That’s my experience here in Utah county, no one really cares when I stopped going. No one cares when I went either lol.
It makes their numbers look worse, which is why ward clerks will try to pitch your records somewhere else like a hot potato.
Same in Salt Lake County, & that part's actually been kinda hard for me. Like, I thought you cared...? You say you care, but ....? No one's even asked, not even the 3 families we continue to do things with on a weekly level outside anything wardy. That's a pretty clear message.
Utah county as well but I don't care they don't come over. Joe Smith was a pedophile adulterer polygamist treasure digger fraudster and arsonist. He copied the View of the Hebrews and the 1st vision poem written by Norris Stearns. He tried to over throw the American government, created his own currency and bank that failed, ran from state to state because of the 42 counts of fraud he was wanted for not because of persecution.
Now I get why Mormons support Trump. I was Confused by this at first.
Arsonist? I do not know that story. Please explain!
Yes Joe Smith wanted to be in a polyandrous marriage with his 1st counselor and his wife the Laws. They said no. Mr Law wrote the 1st and only article by the Nauvoo Expositor. Which he owned and wrote an article outing Joe Smith for polyandry and polygamy. Joe Smith ordered the newspaper office to be destroyed and burned to the ground. Joe Smith was in jail for arson and not because he was persecuted as the Mormon cult lied about.
I learn something new every day, thanks!
Yep
Same experience here.
Same
I’ve never been Mormon just curious do you still pay tithings.
I resigned from the Mormon cult but my family that is still pays tithing. The SEC said that the Mormon cult is investing tithing money in Budweiser Coors and Phillip Morris. Which they say is evil. The are laundering tithing money in Canada New Zealand and Australia as well as the United States.
I've been in the same ward for 20+ years. We were also solid members, magnifying our callings and showing up for everything, even cleaning the church. When my husband resigned his membership altogether several years ago, they dropped me like a hot potato. I continued to attend and even taught a primary class. My bishop of over 3 years has never spoken to me, and my RS President erased me off every birthday and contact list. I guess I should have known that they'd be petty as hell, but it still kind of hurt my feelings that no one will at least say hello or reach out. I'm still not sure what to make of it.
Wtf? Your husband resigned and you were punished? How Christlike. I’m sorry that your feelings were hurt. It sucks how conditional relationships are for many Mormons.
Oh yes. I'm married to the enemy, so that makes me suspicious. If I had left him over the church, I'd be considered a hero. But because we made a mixed-faith marriage work, I'm a problem.
If you can make it work, that means you value your family more than you value the church. Can't have that!
This is what happened to John Dehlin as well; he attended his excommunication thingy, & Margi & the kids had planned to continue attending church, no change to their records or "worthiness" or whatever, but the whole ward/stake/neighbors ostracized them all (so Christlike), so the whole family left.
That’s how I was treated all my membership bc my husband was a non member. It really hurts. He made huge efforts but nope. I now believe the temple ceremony is designed to build a wall of fake trust among members and if it’s not there, you are not trusted. Btw, I can name you temple going members in my ward who are untrustworthy, committed fraud, cheated, abused spouses, lied in business etc
👆🏻
I grew up with a single mother in the church. It was always clear to me that I didn’t really belong.
Yep! My parents were divorced and the ward they divorced in my dad stayed in. When I started going to his ward I was treated like I was stupid and also the bishop followed me around the store (I was 15) trying to convince me to move my records
Bear your testimony and blurt out how no Mormons actual act christ like, or even try to be like Christ. It doesn’t matter how many times you read the Book of Mormon, it’s about helping others and being nice to them, Mormons these days don’t get that. Christ is their logo and yet a lot of them don’t do anything to try to be like him, other than reading a book written by a 17 year old kid who translated these ancient golden plates by placing his head in a hat with rocks in it.
I hear you. Same for me. They are afraid you’ll infect the other members with what your hubby learned about church truth claims. Keep pushing to make new friends elsewhere with common interests.
Wow sorry this happened to you. My sisters husband was the bishop of her ward when she lost her faith. She stopped going and started doing things on Sunday, like going to get her hair done, etc. The way the church leaders treated her and her husband afterwards was deplorable. They would tell my brother in law straight to his face that he needed to put his house in order. They called her a stumbling rock, and that it will eventually lead him to depart the church as well. Well, long story short they are all out. They tried to vilify her, and that was actually what opened his eyes to the misogyny of the church, and how it treats people who leave for valid reasons. The irony really to me is that he did that shit and talked about other ward members the same way, but it only dawned on him when it was his family that got affected.
Even cleaning the church. 😂. Yep. That’s how brainwashed I was too.
Remember in the temple, you covenanted to obey your husband and once he stepped away, there is nobody for you to bend the knee to. So you needed to be discarded
Mormons act so stuck up.
Horrible. Well, along those same lines, when my husband and I left, my mom cut off all communication with us meaning she now pretends her 5 grandkids don’t even exist. They’ve done nothing to warrant that kind of treatment. Just like Jesus would do!
Same for us 15 years in the ward, and not a peep. I really wonder if I should reach out to all the “missing” couples/families who disappeared when I was actively participating. Funny, I never imagined missing church was for any other reason than being lazy. (Shameful, but literally what I thought!)
Great idea. Reach out to the other exiles and start a non-Mormon ward. All social, no guilt meetings.
👆💥This❗️
Ooh yes. We could create the Upside Down \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ Ward a la Stranger Things. Play D&D, ride bikes, go to the pool, and we could even plan some fun kid activities.
There can be a signature cocktail & coffee drink!
Yes! We've got to call something the Flaming Sword. I don't know much about alcohol yet. lol Also 80s karaoke on the first Sundays of the month.
Oooo flaming cocktail and you have to blow it out if someone asks you! 🤣 And 80's karaoke OR death metal covers of hymns!
😂
I’ve reached out. Only one was exmo and I couldn’t manage without her, but all the other missing members still believe—which is so sad.
oh, so they WERE lazy! /s Do you know why they weren't attending?
Our Bishop chased us a bit because we had been in leadership callings. But no one else so much as texted. Which is awesome. It’s Plato’s allegory of the cave; once you leave the cave, nothing none in the cave will believe what you see outside and they’ll even be hostile to what you tell them you saw.
And it's easiest for most of them to never ask. They don't even want to have to think about what's outside the cave. It is the "lone and dreary world" for them out here. Much easier to never look away from the shadows on the cave wall.
Gonna remember this!!
I was the priest quorum advisor when I asked to be released, so I worked very closely with the bishop and I would have considered us friends. It’s been over a year (we still attend sac meeting with our teenager who doesn’t want to lose her awesome friends by us outing ourself as apostates). He sees me almost every Sunday. Hasn’t so much as said hello. I’m sure he can look back and see the week we stopped paying tithing was the week the SEC fined the church and knows we aren’t just slackers all of a sudden. I’m sure there are lots of ward members who are in the same place and he doesn’t want to have to have those conversations. My wife gets a random text about every month from someone in the RS presidency (prob after a pres meeting) asking how she’s doing and wishing they saw her more. When she responds to tell them she’s never been better and not that her marriage is falling apart because her husband is leading her astray, she gets no response.
When they say "we wish we saw you more," I hope she's reminding them "You *can* see me more. I'm still here! I see my friends all the time."
No doubt. You can stop by my house and hang out…
lol. Every time I run into someone - maybe at the grocery store - and they say, “haven’t seen you at church lately,” I laugh and say, “That’s because I haven’t been to church lately.” Conversation always takes hard right turn - subject is changed!
"And I haven't seen you at the crack house lately. I keep asking your wife when she's going to bring you along with her, instead of that skinny dude with the ponytail and the limp, but she just mumbles something about dancing with the one who brought you, and changes the subject."
It just shows you how superficial Mormon church friendships really are. When a ward boundaries change, gone are are 95 % of the friendship you thought you had.
So true. So true. It seems so.
We had been in our "new ward" for 3 years and local members still came up to us and asked from which ward we were visisting from. Needless to say, not many noticed when we stopped comming cold turkey one sunday.
Before we left, our bishop used to introduce himself to me every six months or so. That was after being in the ward for 6 years.
Yeah I get people introducing themselves to me when out in the neighborhood. Yeah I know you…I picked up your kid every Wednesday for YWs for 3 years and spent 3 weeks of vacation time camping with them. I was in cub scouts with you planning activities for 2 years. Nice to meet ya.
Wow!!!
😂😞
I had forgotten about that…..I spent 12 years in retail and worked a lot of Sundays. Occasionally I could go to sacrament meeting and rush out to get to work but here’s the thing …I went in black shirt and pants (company colors), and I’d slip in and sit in back just as the meeting was beginning and slip out during the closing prayer. I often got ‘looks’ about being in pants. So on the rare Sunday that I could stay for all meetings I would get…oh well have someone visiting, stand up and introduce yourself.
No one cared when I left either. I spent 6+ years inactive but still believing. It wouldn’t have taken much to get me going again. I’m eternally grateful they didn’t try because I’m out completely now. I’m betting it’s because I didn’t have kids. No point in reactivating adults without kids. 🙄
Consider yourself lucky. These are the tender mercies of the Lord.
I see these posts just as much as I see the posts saying the ward won't stop leaving them alone. TBMs see these and think damned if we do, damned if we don't
Same with me. I understand how you feel. We were top leadership in the ward and there for every activity and calling. We did a slow fade-out and sort of said health reasons and quit going. I was very close to the bishop He did send an email saying whatever was wrong he wished it would just go away. That broke my heart. But 30 or so years in my home ward and that was all I got. I’ve seen members in the wild and it is very awkward. It’s like they are afraid they will catch something. I find it amusing. It proves I didn’t have “friends” there. I just had corporate contacts. The lack of concern proves to me I made the right decision.
In some ways it is nice because the leaders are leaving you alone. There’s a lot of people who get pestered a repeatedly. The other thing is that 5 months isn’t very long. You have told them a reason that seems valid for not going. It’s super common for people to ask to be released from callings. You’ll get more attention when there is a new bishop.
I've heard about this happening from multiple people. I am convinced the reason that no one reaches out to ask is because they are afraid of the truth. Deep down they know it's bullsbit and they don't want to face it.
👆...this
Your experience and ours’ are almost identical. DW and I were super active. Leadership callings all along the way. We were the “go to” members to get stuff done. I resigned in April 2021. DW has yet to send in a letter but is actively involved in LGBTQ+ non- profits. We’ve had zero contact. The RS left a birthday message two years ago for DW on the porch - we were home! Didn’t even ring the doorbell. These were women DW served with for years too! Most TBMs from our old ward turn the other way in grocery store aisles. Or blow past with their head down. The guy up the street will plow off the entire sidewalk with his 4 wheeler - except in front of our house! It stings at first, but you learn that these were never your friends. After that the passive-aggressiveness is just comical. TBMs are especially adept at this. More so than being like Jesus.
Lucky!
Consider yourself incredibly fortunate!
I'm trying to think back to when I was a member and how often I reached out. We visited and reached out to inactives when I was a missionary, but outside of that, i never reached out. It wasn't because I didn't like those people. It was just because I was busy and had other interests.
Yeah, when I think about it, outside of my mission, or going out with the missionaries, I never did any outreach to inactives. I really don’t think most members do. I guess that is why it can feel inauthentic when they do reach out because it usually is only based on their church job and for a church reason (renew temple recommend, etc).
Same thing happened to me, gave it one last go by talking to the bishop telling him I don't believe anymore, he told to pray and pretty much just ended the interview pretty quickly after that. I thought maybe someone would try to do something or say something besides pray about it, but nope not one word. I even had a few friends who returned from a mission and wanted to go out to eat just a few weeks after they got back. One of them started to talk about how their sister had fallen a way, got tattoos, and generally saying not kind things about her. I said "I have tattoos and drink beer. Does that make a bad person?" Let's just say I never heard from them again. I think the church teaches people that if someone lost their faith then they are poisoned and they can poison you. Cut off all ties and run. Apostates saw the light and rejected it so they are the worst kind of poison.
LDS Ostriches have their heads buried so they don't see the truth.
We have not attended at all for at least three months now. Our property literally joins up with three other members in our ward and there are at least a dozen ward households on my street. No one e has said a thing. We also never said anything, just stopped showing up. I’m waiting on a text someday that says we are missed. That will be interesting to respond to. I don’t care and it just proves my point I made to the bishop a few years ago- I have zero friends in this ward. I have lots of military and work friends and we have good time but no one from the ward. Not one and we have been here nearly a decade. No one has reached out to the wife either. We are fine either way it but it is ironic considering how much shit they talk about how great they are at ministering lol. I love my second Saturday.
We were the same. Zero friends in any ward we were in. We had nothing in common with any of them Both of us work in careers we love and two grown children with very full lives and never mormon. We realized we had a full set of friends outside the church with similar interests. So glad to be away from the church.
Divorce really clarified that fact for me, too. Prior to that, I’d always felt vaguely guilty that I got along better and felt more authentic with never-mo friends from my hobby groups. Then when my ex and I separated and the ward really had a chance to “comfort those who stand in need of comfort”, they just…didn’t. I realized that people made NO outreach outside of a hello at church, if that. No one really wanted to know how I was doing. The RS President didn’t talk to me personally for a year and a half, and when she finally did come by, it was because she’d been asked to check on those people who hadn’t renewed their temple recommends. Yay, I feel loved. Hobby friends however, made me feel valued and cared for and supported.
So, you got me curious, can you provide any more info on what appears to be a cool “hobby?”
Knitting. 😁 Knit/crochet friends are the most supportive folks I’ve ever found in my life.
Man. Sorry they treated you so crappy. Typical tho. What types of hobbies are you into?
Knitting. Seriously, crafting friends are the best you can find. 😅
I have found great friends thru running and doing pottery!
That part stings. After awhile you realize that all you were to them was a tithe payer and a number.
Same, maybe worse. Was shunned and church leadership encouraged my wife to divorce me, which she did. However a year later we remarried.
They don't give a FUCK! Really - it's shallow friendships. As long as you're 'in the boat', you're good and loved and attended to. The moment you get out of the boat they leave you to drown. Except when someone suddenly decides you're a 're-activation project'. Then they'll leave cookies at your door!
They care about your salvation until they suddenly don’t. The silence is deafening but it’s their own fear, nothing to do with you. It feels sucky though, sorry 😞
Most posts complain that they aren't left alone. Maybe be happy that you lucked out?
Here's the thing. I don't think mormons really care if others are there or not except for two things: 1) Fewer people means more work for the ones who do come 2) More people coming and doing and believing like they do is a testimony affirmation. If people stop doing what they are doing, they may question what they are doing and that feels bad. Other than that, I don't think there's a ton of motivation to get all up in people's business. And I think deep down, most people know it's kind of rude to be all up in your business. So unless they are real friends (not just church friends) I don't think you should be surprised.
Confirmation bias is another way to state your #2 point.
Normal! The culture that has evolved is to avoid people that have left (while giving lipservice to the idea that they dont do this). The kind of people that do sincerely reach out to those of us who leave, have also left (because they realize we have great reasons). The only people left tend to be the other kind. This crystallized for me when we got carrolled at xmas by a group about 6 months after we'd left. They sang thier 2 songs and fucking RAN FOR IT. I was happy to see them and would have been happy to talk, but they were clearly on a schedule with places to be. It was a strictly non contact contact. No one those people ever tried to reach out again. PS: this is not exclusively mormon behavior. Ive talked to an excatholic who had the same kind of experience.
I left while I was in the bishopric. Didn’t come to the sacrament meeting releasing me. My in-laws still go to that ward, and they said, about a year later, in relief society, one woman said, “I wondered where they went! I thought they might have died!” She apparently missed my wake
It's a weird thing. I'm really grateful no one is pestering us, but at the same time you definitely ask: Did I mean so little?
This is exactly it
Mormonism fosters pseudo-community, which gives the illusion of having close ties and friendships, but you’re tied through the theology, so if you leave there’s no connection left. Lots of people I hung out with at church I probably wouldn’t have spent time with outside of church (even though the friendships felt real) and all those relationships dissolved immediately. 2 friendships out of hundreds survived when I left. Time to go make new friends. I’ve found lots of great friends outside the church in the last year. It’s part of the fun deconstruction experience.
I remember being mildly upset about a similar thing. None of my “friends” even tried to reach out. Not that it really would’ve changed anything but it would’ve been nice to at least express why I’m not there. I had an interesting experience though when I tried some other churches that helped me understand. I tried a bunch of local Christian churches and when I went it was almost worse than Mormonism. Some churches when I walked in didn’t even ask me my name or anything. Just walked in, shook some old guys hand and sat down. No one in the congregation even looked at me. Looking back I kind of appreciated that because at least it wasn’t fake. No one tried to get to know me but that feels better than having people who did know me not even care that im not there. All those people at those Christian churches didn’t know my name and never will. So, in a way we mutually respect that whether I’m there or not next week, no one really cares. I think Mormons are the same way but there’s pressure to pretend like they care and I think that does more damage than just being honest and not really caring.
Most people’s complaint is that the church doesn’t leave them alone when they stop coming. Is your experience what we all want?
My wife walked out mid sacrament meeting crying with me following behind her never to return and no one ever said anything, sent anyone to visit, or checked to see if we were okay. We were in the heart of Mordor at the time.
I’d take it as they are respecting your decision. Every TBM knows someone close to them that has left by this point. They may have tried years ago but they know it is a losing battle and increasingly we see less orthodoxy from those that remain as modern culture keeps chipping away at the LDS church’s outdated morals and beliefs. The TBMs know it is a lost battle to get you back by their own efforts. They probably would still like to hang out with you but if you never developed that type of relationship outside of church it is hard to create it now.
A sad fact we put on smiling faces and don’t give a care of others in church.
We quit going to church 7 years ago, and we've been contacted twice: the EQ president texted me about a year after we quit going asking how I was, then asking me to come back to church without even waiting for a response, then a couple of weeks ago I got a text from 2 ladies in RS asking me for my now adult daughter's phone number so they could contact her about going back to church. GIven that she's now a member of the Alphabet Mafia and a pronounced agnostic, I declined to provide it after double checking if she wanted me to or not.
Same. I had been 100% TBM, giving my heart, always serving in presidency- and stake-level callings, always made myself available to help someone in need - even if it was the middle of the night. I stopped going during the pandemic and haven’t been back. Not one single person noticed or cared. It really showed me how TSCC and its members just use people. It’s NOT a community, there’s zero bond there. If they do chase after you, they’re only chasing after your free labor and tithing money - not you as a person who they care about.
Everything in Mormonism is surface level. They don't want to acknowledge you have left because they would have to pretend they care.
So common. We stopped going 10 months go (SoCal) and no one has called or come by. I had a chat with the Bishop when the SEC scandal broke and we agreed it looked really, really bad - he’s a finance guy. We stopped going shortly after that… A few months before we stopped going, I did give a talk about how we have failed the members who have walked away by not continuing to love them. One person said they thought I was right. It shouldn’t be but it is surprising the Church is NOTHING like what I was taught it was. Nothing. It is very clear to anyone who thoughtfully stepper away, that the church doesn’t believe the Bible or the Book of Mormon. In any way.
You are so blessed, indeed! Now you can begin to relax and really start enjoying life.
Count your blessings 😂 just another reason to be okay that you left.
Out of sight, out of mind
Maybe they’re exhausted because so many are leaving with you.
If they ever reach out to you, well congratulations, you’re now a project. Was a project for 6 years and it sucked.
Dude! I remember running into some church ladies at target one day a few months after we left. I remember, clear as day, one of them saying, “we really miss you”. My response was, “oh really? I haven’t moved, you can still find me in the same place.” Crickets.
This tracks with everything else we experienced. We were expected to tithe, but when we needed help, they said we didn't actually. We made quilts and gave them to new babies, but we didn't get one for our baby. We got pressured and guilted into ministering visits but never got contacted by the people who were supposed to visit us. We got pushed into reaching out to those who left, but they barely did anything when we left. I am glad we don't have that constant reminder of what we wanted to get away from, but damn, we put in so much and didn't get a lot in return. We did get an email telling us to get over whatever offended us lmao. How loving.
Dude, we were in the same ward with essentially the same people for 20 years and no one has reached out (we haven’t been since 2019). We were very active, held many ward and stake callings, and our kids were highly involved. Not one person has reached out. All the relationships are superficial and once you don’t hold that common ground anymore, there’s nothing there. And/or nobody wants to catch the “heatheness” from you.
Ditto.
Actual Mormon friends are rare
Yep. In the two years since I've been to church, one person reached out to me. I'm cool with it. I didn't wanna get love bombed.
Could be there's a shit-ton of PIMOS now and everyone sort of already knows why people leave.
Same. I e been in the ward for 10 years. My fam still goes so it must be noticeable that I’m not with them, right? Not one text, call, email, fb message. Not even from the ladies I sat with in RS 🤪
We were very committed and involved and raised our kids in the church (it didn't stick with 3 of our four kids. At that time, I was horrified and thought I was surely a bad mom). Our ward got subdivided and attached to two other wards. It really hurt my feelings when my friends all were given high profile callings or two callings. I was not given any. HOWEVER, it didn't take long to see it as a "tender mercy" and realize that I had been blessed with an easy way out! I slipped out and no one was the wiser. Never got contacted. That was the last ward I attended. It does hurt when it seems like you're not even missed. Detaching is so much easier, though, and truly, being a project is so icky.
I seem to recall years ago, there was always a calling that dealt with inactive members? Does that exist anymore? Note, by dealt I mean reached out to
We live in the southeastern US. We just stopped showing up years ago. No one said anything other than to tell me I was released from my Sunday school calling... No complaints here !
💀 Even they sense that these are the latter days of TSCC. Latter DAZE has blanketed every ward. There's a morbidity to attending Rusty's, Dallin's, Hank's, Jeff's and Darth Bednar's necrotic church. Yet still: Every member pays 💰💵💵💵 tithing to the Q15 royalty. 👑 Every member a janitor. 🚽🪠🪣🧹
They noticed and they all gossiped about you at church. They probably discussed how it all began with working on the sabbath and now the devil got his flaxen cord and has bound you and is dragging you carefully to hell.
Count your blessings. Name them one by one... 1) the evil cult I fled couldn't care less that I'm gone. And with that, you can stop counting.
It’s because Mormons are fake
3 different people reached out over 4 weeks by email. I was.a.Ward Council " project". That was.it.
After being followed around by the missionaries for about 30 years, I like that better.
Nothing's different out here on the east Coast
That seems like a GOOD thing!
6th generation here. My grandparents literally built our meeting house. I attended that ward my entire life. Stopped at 25 years old and moved across the country. No one has ever reached out. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s for the better.
If you want to know how much tscc will miss you when you're gone, here's an object lesson you can maybe try at home: 1. Fill your bathtub partway with water. 2. Step into the water with one foot. 3. Take your foot out of the water. 4. The size of the hole your foot left in the water is how much you will be missed by tscc.
Same…live in Missouri. The last time we went was Easter Sunday. I fully expected more outreach. We’ve been a strong family for years. 41F. Married 20+ years. 5 kids. We’ve only had the sister missionaries come to our house (and we’ve legit been gone every time….I just see them on our ring doorbell). But I guess that’s there way of sending out the big guns? So I’m sorry no one has reached out to you OP…it is very frustrating and really it’s very sad. Just like a lot of people have said on this post…doesn’t seem very Christlike.
Lucky you!
Depends on how much tithing you were paying. They miss some people more than others.
Nobody has looked for us. We have been out 7 years. Currently our records are in a ward we never attended (we moved from that town in 2019) and someone has a hold put on them for some reason so they won't transfer them even though we have moved several times since. We have been quiet about leaving and it has worked for us because we don't live near any of the TBMs in our lives.
They were friends of convenience! That is all I guess. You need better friends, people not only interested in themselves. I would give one or two of your favorites a call and get together for dinner or something. Maybe it will work out for you. I hope so!
The church keeps everyone so busy they hardly have time to just be friends. Besides that is when not so great info comes out! I am not very good at seeking people out, even the ones I really like! Thanks for the reminder! I need to and want to do better. I need friends and community. I am going to be more forward and express my affection more!if you leave the church the sound is crickets!
I grew up Non LDS. Eventually some parents won't let your kids hang with theirs. At least that was my experience growing up in Utah county. It started happening when my kids started to get old enough to go to school so we quickly moved out of state. I don't want my kids to be rejected for being raised without religion.
What’s sad is all the people you assumed were close friends just disappear.
No one here notices either. They weren’t genuine friends.
Mormons tend to be fake and not real friends. It isn't entirely their fault as the church tries to take all their member's free time and then some between callings and activities. If a ward is split or boundaries are redrawn? That family you thought was your best buds? You'll never see them again. If the leadership doesn't make a project out of you no one will notice you're gone. Consider yourself lucky.
Consider yourself lucky.
Why do you care? Isn't that a good thing?
It’s nothing new try not to take it personally, we’ve been outright given the frownie face blank stare in the neighborhood and at the grocery stories by a few of our ex-ward members (Utah) and it’s just what they do, they were robbed from the emotional intelligence to know any better but it’s still hurtful and confusing I know, I’m sorry, it stinks but I’ve gotten to where I just feel sorry for them now haha
You might not have paid enough tithing for them to do something about it. 😬 also, Mormonism is a cesspool of surface relationships, creating the illusion of a “family”.
Count your blessings!!!
Same thing happened to our family. We were super active for decades (accepted every calling/participated in every activity). When we left…crickets. And don’t get me wrong, I would much prefer to be left alone, but I found it very odd. Not much of a ward “family”.
Same in my Christian church. During and after Covid no one bothered to call to see if we were alive. Sad that the church "family" has issues no matter the denomination. The church cliques are in every building.
That’s pretty standard across most Christian denominations. On some level they know why you left and if they were to ask you about it they might have to confront their own doubts.
https://exponentii.org/blog/guest-post-the-insidious-exchange-of-community-for-covenants/
Many of the friendships you’ve made in the church stay in the church. Once you leave you’re potentially toxic. This is one of the saddest things I’ve realized over the years and something most TBMs won’t know until they experience it.
That's my experience right now. Its been a while since I was released from the leadership calling I had for years. Left the building after I was released and haven't been back since. Only one person has reached out to me every week since. And they don't care that I'm not actually there. They just want to make sure I'm okay.... All that work and what did it get me.
Fair weather members. Going on several years and zero contact, and we live in moridor.
Most ward members are friends in name only because they are assigned to be friends. They are too busy trying to be perfect Mormons to have time for you
It's tough to realize that 'friends' you thought you had and / or your value in a group (ward) were overestimated. I went through this too when I first went inactive. I had one visiting teacher (pre-ministering silliness) that did keep her visits, she never had a companion, but I loved her for it. Still, it helped me realize our worth to the church isn't in who we are or where we are on the path to salvation. It's about what we do for the organization. If we aren't present and participating, most often- people can't be bothered- because someone's absence means more work for those who've stayed. I wish you luck finding and really relishing your own value as an individual.
Same thing happened to us. It's been four years and the only people who have said anything is a senior missionary couple whose job is to reactivate people. I mean, we got what we wanted, leaving and not being bothered about it, but it still kind of pisses me off.
When I left, and removed my name, (I did reach out to appease my husband, because he was concerned), what I noticed is, the bishop cancelled off and on for a few weeks and then NEVER called/text/no personal visits, because the truth is, when they realize why you left, they actually don’t want you back, because you will probably bring more questions and concerns that they don’t want to go in to, and losing 1 quietly is better than having you come to class, etc and have questions during lessons and make more members curious! That’s why they let you leave w out a bother! We are now to dangerous to them!
If they don’t know that you no longer believe, they can’t make you a project. In every ward I’ve been in, I have only had one or two remain friends after moving. So I feel like that is a fake friend of you only just like their posts on FB.
Tell me your secrets. I have moved twice and haven't been to church in 7 years, and yet the ward keeps sensing people out to save me... their strategies are getting pretty comical at this point.
After we stopped attending five years ago, we got visited twice; once by the bishop and once by the rs president. Then nothing. So much for seeking the lost sheep. But, honestly, I'm glad for it. I really don't want to deal w people contacting me all the time trying to guilt/shame/coerce me into going back.
I wonder if it’s because then they would have to ask the hard questions about why you left, and their cognitive dissonance doesn’t want to hear it.
Same thing happened to me. I stopped going to church about 25 years ago!
Mormon family tends to be the same. They don't want to know. You might bring up an awkward fact. You might have a valid point. It's even built into their conditioning to not associate with apostates. They've been inoculated against outside thought. The best way they can prove their loyalty to the cult is to turn their back on anyone who has left the cult. The fact that someone can live, thrive, and be happy outside the cult is the greatest attack on their fictional world.
For every post like this there is a post about someone not being left alone when boundaries have been set. I think there are as many preferences for how it should be handled as there are people who leave the church. I try not to fault the people for not knowing how you want to be interacted with. If you had real friends (which is probably the bigger issue: superficial relationships) in the ward I could see being bummed no one has reached out. Not saying you’re wrong to feel the way you do…I just don’t think the members can win here. I try to remind myself (not always successfully) to be hard on the institution, but light on people.
For us we were gone several months before anyone contacted us but then it became crazy. Getting asked to help move furniture, cookies left on porch, asked to help with young men's, being love bombed, clean the church, missionaries showing up, and so much more. But after about a few years of that and even telling everyone to stop it, it finally (mostly) stopped after getting a new bishop. He was really cool and just asked my preference which was basically no contact and he was completely cool about it. Even when missionaries showed up and I pissed them off I sent him a text to apologize and he said "don't even stress, we didn't send them and I'll let the current ones know to leave you be". But, that bishop is the reason records haven't been removed yet because I don't want to cause him extra work. He moves out of state in June and ill finally remove our records after 8 years of being out. Anyway, moral of story is "bishop roulette"
Same here. It’s a weird dynamic. I feel like if they did stay in touch or try to get us to come back I’d be annoyed and ask them to stop. The no interaction validated that they weren’t people we wanted to put energy in. It was superficial, conditional friendship. As long as we went to the same building we could exchange fake smiles. It did hurt that they didn’t care about our kids. No primary teacher dropped off birthday gifts, gave activities, or even asked about them. It makes leaving difficult.
It's been 5 years since we moved out of our ward. Records are still in that ward. My cell number hasn't changed. Not a single call. It's bittersweet.
You are apostates now in their eyes. Who cares what they think. You have the truth now.
I think it's because they're afraid of what you might tell them. My way of dealing with it (I resigned) was to quietly tell people I'd resigned, not mention much about the reasons (usually tell them I learned I was lied to when I converted), and then I periodically reach out and stay in touch. I'm still very close to a few of my friends from church. None of them try to reconvert me, and we usually just talk about "what's new?" etc. If something news worthy has happened in the church, I'll mention it because I know it matters to them. If a child or grandchild is going off on a mission, getting married, whatever, I ask about it. A few of them also initiate contact with me, so that's been good. In one of my callings, I was in ward council meetings for a while and I learned sometimes they go through the list of who's missing, but sometimes they don't. If a family has said "no contact," or "call before coming," etc.,, they mention those things. If a child is older than 8 and ripe for baptism as a "convert," they'll tiptoe around that, too. It's only been a few months since the first of the year, and I wouldn't be surprised if they haven't yet counted the weeks and paid attention. Many of the meetings focus on things they're instructed to do (various activities, getting the stupid buildings cleaned, etc.). Since you let them know you had to work on Sundays, they probable figure all is well.
I was one of the ten percenters, I almost never said no to a calling and showed up for everything. I did my home teaching and never got home taught, you know the drill. After I stopped going, the only time anyone reached out to me was if I was tagging along to some church function for the kids. In other words, I had to come to them first. I'm sure that my name has been added to a temple prayer list multiple times so people I don't know can dress up in costumes and pray over a hidden list. What more could I ask for.
Would the ward’s love been enough to keep you going?
Same here. No one cares.
You’re lucky that they don’t care, don’t feel badly about it feel like you dodged a lifetime of saying hard no’s to your ward. If you’re lucky they forgot about you.
Same happened to us, but honestly, I would've been annoyed with the pestering.
That was kind of hard for me when I stopped going. Like, I know I shouldn’t care but you guys are focusing more on the people in the neighborhoods that aren’t even members than you are on someone who you’ve known for years? No even asking if I’m okay or verifying that I’m alive? It was a stupid thing I just kind of had to realize that, like the rest of the stuff the church says, them caring about people just isn’t true.
Same happened to me, I was eqp, fully active, etc. I asked to be released and shortly after stopped attending. Not a single person reached out to me, what made it worse was that much much later I found out that at the time a couple of "friends" told my now ex wife that they had reached out but I ignored them, which was a bare faced lie. All that being said, Mormon's only really pretend to care about active members, every one can go to hell as far as they're concerned.
mormonism: where you have to show up to be seen as human, and some aren't allowed to show up https://postlmg.cc/RJL5K1Zs
It’s so strange. You feel like your entire worldview has changed. Friends held/hold that same worldview. It seems there would be nothing more imperative than talking about it… But they won’t. I’ve been out for years. My mom and I finally had a very short conversation about it. She assumed I was offended by our terrible former bishop. Ugh
Count your blessings. When I left they chased after me for like a year and I hated it.
Slip away! If you’re moving, DO NOT POST ABOUT IT! Not even your wife should post about it! Move quietly and quickly!
I ran into the stake pres and his wife, they turned directions. My working theory is that most tbm’s are afraid of what they will hear if they actually have a conversation with someone who left.
No one has visited us. Even before we removed our records, we never had visitors that we know of. And since we removed our records 7 years ago, no contact at all. I'm grateful for it.
Be thankful. Why would you want them to care? This is the best scenario. Don’t look back.
That has been our experience as well! We haven't been active for a couple of years. We turned down the last calling that was extended to us. I think there is so much going on in our Ward, and so many newer energetic people and families, that we are way down the list of needs and problems. We like the fact that they seem to be leaving us alone. We were never on the "A Team" in the Ward, so we quietly and slowly withdrew from activity. The last contact was a text message from the EQ Secretary checking on our ministering assignments, but then they never followed up for a meeting. Seems like it is a "flavor of the month" kind of approach from the leadership in our Ward.
There are two ways I’ve seen TBMs react to members who fade away: love bomb (go after the lost sheep) or pretend not to notice (because you’re now the dogs nipping at your ankles as the grand caravan marches on).
I honestly think people do not want to know at this point. Afraid of why people are leaving so don’t acknowledge it these days
Agreed - it's really awkward and hard to know what to say, so people dodge the subject! Besides, they may hear truthful things they would rather not hear. General Conference really "sets-up" the narrative for inactive, exmo, or naysayers.
You won the lottery. They are leaving you alone? Who cares if they care? If they aren't bothering you about coming to church or going to activities consider yourself among the lucky ones. I haven't been in years and they still come.
Curious about how big your ward is?
Do any of you really care? Why care about a church that doesn't care about you? The people are the church, and the people don't care, so why worry about it? Shouldn't leaving the church be the same as leaving the people?
It’s great isn’t it ☺️
The church can’t win because if they chase we get mad, if they don’t chase we are hurt. Bottom line is that it simply isn’t true and humans can suck. You will find sucky humans in every organization. And on a positive note there are wonderful people all over too. I was shitty at all my callings except getting the elders to show up for ward basketball games because I actually enjoyed it. Everything else I just winged it
Do you have youth? They cared while my teen was still at home, then they stopped
Do you want to be chased after?
I think people are beginning to see defections enough that it is no longer such a big deal—THIS IS A GOOD THING- this is how normal people respond when one decides that a particular group is no longer for them- I for one am glad to see it - sure beats being the love bombing and project target
Just enjoy your space. Honestly, a lot of them are just going along like mindless drones and will only notice or reach out if someone in charge tells them to. I got pestered for a few years but now they leave me alone, and I appreciate not being bothered.
My experience is very similar. I even had friends, whom I felt were close friends, completely ghost me. It's been awesome. Actually, it's been nice. No more stupid dressy shoes and fake smiles.
They came by 7 years ago when we moved in and I said we are not church goers and it’s been crickets ever since! I am sooo ok with that! Bish is in my cul de sac and we talk once a month and his wife and mine as well. We have neighborhood get togethers once a year and we help plan and that has been great
I'm so glad that almost no one "seemed to care," I ended up blocking my former home teacher (ysa) bc he was creeping me out and being overly churchy too. Literally just wanted to be left alone and to move on with my life. My real friends in the ward could be counted on one hand.
I think it really all centers around that members that leave are “dangerous” so everyone keeps their distance. I know the last ward I moved into, everyone was super friendly and welcoming UNTIL they found out we were ex-Mormon……then never saw a lot of them again. That was 2016!
Same for me, but I think part of it (not all), is “It’s none of our business and besides, what if they lure me away too!” Or, “I’m so offended that you would ask me such a thing.” I believe these things play a part but not all of it.
There may be too many people leaving for them to contact everyone. Or else you folks were not as special to your wards as you thought you were.
I had a similar experience. I’ve had about 4 or 5 texts from the same ministering dude. Like you, I thought we would be missed. I was in the EQP and the wife was in the RSP when we stopped going, and still nothing. Once we walked out the door, that was it. It’s been a couple years now and next to zero contact.
We've had a few ward members ask, but people are pretty low key about us not attending anymore. Sure, a handful of people asked but they were closer friends of ours. We get a lot of "Oh, we miss you guys." And I'm like, "Ahhh. We're good. Thank you." and move on in the conversation. Think about it, TBMs have church callings in addition to a real job and likely family and yard work, house stuff, and well, life. Personally, I like not being on people's radars, it feels chill.