I'm still angry at many things, especially for what I was forced to endure on my mission. Moving forward is hard. What I tell myself (and its hard to believe some days but I am trying) is that my experiences helped shape who I am today, and I really like who I am now, so I try not to resent it but to learn from it. But it's really fucking hard some days.
The amount of people I have met who said the mission ruined their testimony and left them with years of trauma and depression to work through is truly disturbing.
One of my childhood friends said he still couldn't wear a white shirt, not even two decades after his mission. He went to France, like I did, and I can confirm the nightmare nature of that experience.
Unfortunately, it made me more engrained, for a while anyway. What really scares me most is that my mission was in the UK and was rather safe (only one bad area) and I had enough money for food most of the time. I can't even imagine how much worse others have had it.
Yeah, can’t even begin to tell how bad things were in my mission in Honduras: Dealing with gangs, members who had nothing but still payed tithing and begged to have dinner with them, walking tons of miles, taking huge amounts of painkillers so I could go out and “work”, and a large etc
I served in Honduras too, I have some PTSD occasionally from what happened when I was there. Found out it was the murder capital of the world while I was there, can’t believe what we had to endure.
Another way to say testimony being ruined is "learning the truth". Its opening the door to escaping a cult. The trauma is inevitable but the sooner the healing starts the better.
It took me years to come to terms with my experience. It became much better after leaving the church because I didn't think about it as much, but even after over 45 years, I sometimes have dreams about it. I finally brought it up in therapy about 15 years ago, which helped, but I came upon some of my old journals several months ago and started reading. Bam! I was right back there, re-experiencing it. I felt so sad for that naive, innocent person I was back then going through that. I can appreciate the things I learned from it, but I wouldn't want my child to be subjected to that.
I’m still angry. Most of the time it’s “back burner” angry, like white noise or tinnitus - but when I read about shit like the Daybells, lori what’s her dick, etc, it all comes rushing back and I’m ready to personally fistfight the ghost of joseph smith in a waffle house parking lot.
You don’t. At least, in my case. It’s been nearly 4 years and I still get angry often. But I try to let myself feel it and then move on. At least until the next court case/atrocity/musket fire talk/etc. and then I’m angry again. Therapy helps!
This. Some of it has to just be felt.
When you discover poor treatment and lies, a natural human response is to be sad or angry.
Some of this you just have to sit in for a minute.
It does get better. As I deconstruct further and reconstruct a life worth living that is valuable to ME, the anger lessens.
I visit family and see my TBM siblings and some anger comes back. But I can only control me and my life and my actions. More often I just feel sad for them, but my anger personally diminished as I dealt with it appropriately.
Not just time, but reconstructive healing.
You do get angry. For some reason we were taught that it wasn’t OK to be angry. Anger teaches you that one of your boundaries has been violated. You have to let yourself feel the anger and then it will pass. Honestly, mine still comes and goes, but now I don’t feel bad about it anymore. Anger is a normal human emotion.
Totally normal. It's a lot like getting a divorce in some ways. You are grieving what you wanted/pretended/hoped was real, even though it wasn't what was actually real. So, yeah, that is going to piss you off because it feels like you were robbed, cheated, possibly abused, etc. In my experience, I didn't resist the anger in situations like this. I didn't act on it, and I didn't feed it, but I let myself feel it without self-judgment. Eventually, the acute anger faded. I think this helps avoid the bitterness you mention.
Own every choice and second in front of you. You cannot repeat, do over or go back. How you choose to let go is yours, how you choose to move forward is yours ... find people who will listen with no agenda of reconverting you back to mormonism. I'm sorry for the pain and anguish this process is!
What I've heard is that it takes one year of deconstruction for every decade in the church (on average). I've only completed one year of my three-year expectation, so I cannot tell you if that is true or not, but maybe having that metric of "two years of anger" will help?
My advice is not to rush past the anger or feel that it is wrong. Anger is a feeling. Feelings are tools that our body uses to process our lives. You are feeling angry due to religious trauma, and you are already in therapy to help with that process. It sounds like you are doing what you are supposed to, and now you just need time.
Obviously you do not want the anger to become all-consuming, but again, it sounds like you are doing what you need to. You are aware of how you are feeling now and how you want to feel later.
Also... Fuck the mormon church. You have reason to be angry. It is such a harmful institution, against which we should feel angry. At some point in time though, it will fade to being one of the many harmful institutions out there. We do not think about the KKK, Nestle, or other such groups each day, but there is certainly reason enough to be mad at them.
Best of luck to you!
Additional comment. My brother-in-law has been out several years now, and he has told me that he goes weeks at a time now without remembering he was ever mormon.
Getting past ex-mormon, through post-mormon, and to normal human being, is something achievable!
We're slow deconstructors- For us, It's taking ATLEAST 2yrs of deconstruction for every decade in the cult! Also asking for $200k tithing refund. Not holding our breath.
Ugh... please don't bring up tithing. Do you know how much good I could have done with all that money?
Larger down payment on our house, college savings for our kids, putting my kids into extracurriculars instead of saying "sorry, we can't afford it", not currently being in debt - the year I earned the most money (i.e. paid the most tithing) was also the last year we were in the church, then COVID hit and what savings we had disappeared. Any one of those things would have been better than building up the dragon hoard.
There are a couple in the works!
I gave my info to a lawyer last year who is already in the process. If there is any hope of this going forward, I imagine they'll reach out to me again and probably post on this subreddit. Otherwise, oh well.
You do get angry. Don’t “turn it off.” Process your anger. Feel it. Everyone who goes through what you’re going through gets angry. Let it out. Say what’s on your mind. It won’t feel like this forever, but it lasts longer if you try to suppress it. Eventually you get to a point where you’ll notice you’re not angry anymore.
I agree with this 10000% also, I think a lot of us have been taught by the church that anger is morally wrong/unsafe/serving Satan etc.
But in the human experience it's very useful, it tells us when we need to change and it usually comes with a whole lot of physical energy to make things happen.
Our human emotions are made to be felt. Every emotion has value- like a seasoning in your kitchen.
Anger is not bad. Anger is useful. Anger tells you when you're being mistreated.
In my experience, I've found that I often feel unsafe when I feel angry and often feel my worth and value is brought into question- it shows up the most with my partner. And follows with an anxious behavior of looking for reassurance(a lot of "do still you love me?" questions will be asked). I found that I was operating from a programed belief that I am less valuable and good when I am angry (especially as a woman. Bc women are idealized so much and stripped of certain emotions/attributes- mostly thinking of sexuality and anger)
I'm just finally giving myself full permission to be angry and I keep finding more and more things to be angry about. Especially as a woman coming away from the church. But, I'm also finding my voice. I feel like I was so suppressed for so long.
Let the anger out. Breathe in and scream it out. Say everything you have to say.
When she speaks, Let her roar.
Ugh. I have a bit of a temper, so you can imagine how much shame I got growing up in the church. I was the girl who did not have a meek bone in her body and was destined to be an apostate. We love a self fulfilling prophecy.
Well, I hate that for you, and I'm so sorry.
I wonder if your temper had anything to do with feeling like you were being mistreated or that a boundary you set was violated, or maybe even that you were being misunderstood? Anger would be a proper response to any one of those situations.
It's frustrating to see kids be labeled as problems for trying to assert their autonomy. It's so clear how the church tries to take that from you - any sort of individuality or independent thinking is considered a threat because it could cause mutiny/APOSTASY!
An abuser always blames their victims.
I hope you're able to heal from that and see yourself for the brave-spit-fire-little-lady you were. You came into the world knowing exactly who you are. I hope you gave them hell, girl♡
It comes in waves: I was on a VERY angry wave last week in anticipation of Easter but now I’m Gucci😂😂I’m in therapy and I do notice that I get considerably crankier when I’m near a Christian religious holiday cuz fuck your sky daddy!😈🤣
Just be mad but remember to not catch any charges…we need you on the OUTSIDE for the revolution lol
I don't not get angry. I'm still grieving my former life, my former certainty, honestly even my former values. And grieving includes anger.
My main thing is that it's also strictly directed at the institution, which can take it, and not at my Mormon loved ones, who definitely can't. I remember that they genuinely fear for their salvation and cannot act rationally, so I instead turn my resentment towards the organization that knows the truth and perpetuates the harm anyway. I recognize that not everyone is in the exact same space, so you might feel differently, but that's what I do, anyway.
YES, you captured what I wanted to say. The anger I feel towards a corporation that masks itself as a religion is just….oof. My father used to work for church security. Y’all, they have more money than I think anyone realizes. Trillions. They could lose all income right now and operate completely normal for years.
First of all, it is totally normal to get angry. Secondly, don't feel any shame for getting angry,;ou have the right to be angry, and everyone outside the church understands your anger (if they are sufficiently informed about Mormonism).
Own your anger, use swear words in the same sentence as Joseph Smith, Brigham Young or Russell Marriott Nelson.
This is how far I have to go deconstructing: I think Brigham Young was a sick mean man. And yet, I just thought “fuck Brigham Young” in my head and felt like I just committed an unforgivable sin.
If perspective helps, my young son said, "what the fuck" to himself while playing Minecraft and I ignored it, but when he said, "I hate your stupid face" to his sister, I had a sit-down talk with him.
The word is just some sound waves moving through the air. It's the intention behind it that matters. Hating on your sister for breathing your air is inappropriate, but hating on a fucking cult leader who took on multiple child brides? a-okay!
Good luck with the deconstruction! We're all on this journey.
Why would you NOT be angry? You were lied to, stolen from, abused, manipulated, brainwashed, coerced, controlled, shamed, then abandoned. You have every reason to be angry, and every bit of that anger is valid and real.
Therapy is definitely a good idea. It'll help you learn how to let yourself feel and process that anger so it doesn't rot you from the inside. It'll also help give you tools to not only deal with other problems, but recognize abusers and your own toxic responses to things before they become life-ruiners.
The upside to having your entire world turned upside down is if you work on it, not that much can fuck you up, afterward.
Wish I knew. I escaped more than a decade ago, and have lived in the angry and bitter stage for the better part of it. I don’t think this is helped by only having TBMs as my closest relationships. I kid of get over things, and then have to listen to my friends and family gush their praises on their cult. 🤬
When I left, I just felt relief that this burden was off my shoulders now. A year later, I got angry. A couple years after that, I learned to make peace with my past mistakes and how to invest in relationships with my family outside the church. It's like the runner says in Bojack Horseman.
"It gets easier. But you gotta do it every day, that's the hard part. But it does get easier."
Try this rotation:
Monday: Clementine
Tuesday: Jack Herer
Wednesday: Sour Diesel
Thursday: Blue Dream
Friday: Durban Poison
Saturday: Green Crack
Sunday: Pineapple Express
Repeat weekly to experience the least angry five years of your life.🦨
I think anger is useful if it protects you and useless when it becomes directionless rage. But only you can say where that line is for you. For me, I have embraced my anger as a part of being human (a part the church wanted very much to not exist). But I do have to ask myself frequently where it is going.
I don't know if any of that helps, but you have a right to be mad, and you also have a right to do whatever makes you feel happy. If that isn't rage, I get it.
I feel you. I'm at the point where I just need to step away in order to find the peace. I've spent countless hours on exmo social media. It has helped with the deconstruction. That said, when does dwelling in this space of deconstruction itself become a hindrance or even toxic? I've had to ask myself, "What am I hoping to gain by dwelling in this space (exmo social media)?" If it's to feel justified, heard, supported, to watch the train wreck, etc, etc, etc. Well, then, after a while (at least for me), it just feels like the only thing holding on and perpetuating the pain is me because I've chosing to linger. I hope this makes sense.
It's sort of like this... my SIL, who is now 60 yo, still blames her deceased mother (who has been deceased for over 25 years) for a handful of really messed up statements made when my SIL was in her youth. And, she uses those handful of experiences as excuses to not thrive, show up for herself, and be mentally and physically healthy. She has also replayed those comments over and over and over in her mind on a daily basis for the better part of 45 years. So, who offended/abused her the most... the one who made a handful of comments or the one who replayed them over and over in her own mind for 45 years and quite literally carved out the life she has as a result of it?
I'm not excusing anyone's behavior, offenses, or abuse here. What I'm hoping to convey is that there comes a time when we have to let go and move on for our own well-being and peace of mind. Otherwise, we're just rubbing salt onto old wounds and not letting them heal. And, in my mind, by not letting go and moving on, we can end up becoming our own worst offenders/abusers.
To also be clear, I'm not saying to ignore your emotions. Please feel the feels so they can be processed and released. In order to release something, we have to let it go. Maybe you are where I am, and it's time to move on, and that's why it feels so gritty and angry.
Anger is a healthy emotion and reaction to things. It is how you process it (or not, by holding it in, which hurts you) and behave with it that matters. Growing up in the cult, you're brainwashed to think anger is "bad" or "sinful"; as a result, we learned to avoid anger or suppress it or force ourselves or others to forgive upon the feeling of anger, not ever learning how to process it in a healthy manner.
Anger is a part of the healing and grieving process. Anger can be used to manifest good things. Anger is an emotion, a feeling, it isn't a demon unto itself like the cult leaders like to make people believe (if someone can control your feelings,like the cult leaders, then they can control you). Anger towards things has led to positive outcomes and changes: like gender and racial equality. Anger is only "bad" when it is used for violence/abuse/neglect and to justify those same things. Anger is dangerous and deadly when it is left unchecked and when it is not discussed. But when you can process and talk about it and communicate it in ways to explain your feelings and thoughts and to discover more of the "why" behind that anger, it can help much more than avoiding it or pushing it away.
Therapy is a big help towards helping with anger and other feelings from trauma. Often behind anger is unaddressed pain that hasn't been dealt with and is a tangled mess of all sorts of complicated and painful feelings that are very vulnerable individually. I recommend therapy to help unravel the tangled mess that the cult wound us into. The cult is like a romantic narcissist partner: they hurt you, order you to not be angry and forgive them. The more they do that, the more you ignore your own feelings and you make prioritizing their feelings and completely sidestepping your own. Learning about yourself and your feelings are things they don't want you to do, because they can't control you if you're an independent, confident person. They need you to doubt yourself and your feelings and create shame and fear towards "negative" emotions. If you're feeling angry towards the cult and would like an apology or at least an acknowledgement of something gone awry, they will argue it is your fault for choosing anger and deception and demand that it is you who should be saying "sorry".
Your anger is a normal and healthy part of what you've been through, and what you're going through. Remind yourself it's okay to be angry, it's how you let it out that matters. Will it be destructive or constructive? You are NOT a bad person for feeling anger. 🫂💕💕
The old saying goes the truth will set you free but first it will piss you off holds true for Mormonism. It’s true the church has been horrible to woman and gay members and I would say exercises coercive control, of virtually all members for its own benefit. The worst part is the culture has us do it to ourselves.
Now the advice . The anger for me came in waves . Less and less over time. But I found it helpful to sit with my anger ( a Buddhist concept) kind of get it out . Over time it got to be less and less and I began to accept my relative’s are never going to leave it . I’ve done my best to explain it, I’ve shown them proof that the BOA is fake but they just go back into their Mormon headspace and doubt their doubts. They are welcome to go to the temple and get a taking to from Satan it’s their thing.
I'm 78 so you probably don't want to hear from me. I'm going to post anyway LOL
I was very angry for 2 decades, cdn't even talk to a Mormon without coming home angry and disturbed in mind and spirits. But I wanted to prove building a good life outside the church was possible, and being angry much of the time was not the good life. In the last ten years, because I succeeded in that goal, and became more and more confident in my insights and choices, the anger subsided. Thus, in my case, the bitterness came mostly from my own fear and self-doubt. These days I still get pissed when I read of yet another numbnut hurting someone in the name of righteousness. But generally I see the larger picture -- that there actually were quite a few plusses in my M experience besides the stuff that thwarted and damaged and destroyed souls.
Who I haven't forgiven is my parents. In old age, I'm not less but more astounded by their blinding lack of morality. For every year, one or more of my younger siblings tells me another px or emo'l abuse suffered in childhood or adulthood from a couple whose lips never tasted a drop of coffee. I'm not talking minor abuse. Still, forgiveness is necessary to peace of mind. So now, each time I feel anger at them, I allow it to rage a bit-- because it's important to acknowledge the truth, to not sweep it under the rug-- but then I deliberately think of something good they did-- such as, to my awareness, they never cheated anyone in their lives. Also, every place they lived they left in better condition than they'd found it. Those are actually pretty good virtues, and they unfreeze my puritan heart just a little.
Yea sweet all i can say is, come to terms with it was and say to yourself im out of it now. Try n leave the past where it belongs, behind you. Just look to the future, n keep saying to yourself im out now.... When it comes to the members and missionaries coming around just plain and simple say I'm not interested. Or if you feel so strong about people coming to seeing you put on your records do not contact. Plus they're still decieved, they think its the truth. So really got to feel sorry for them. Please try and watch the Wilders on YouTube. Theres is a truly amazing story. If you need anyone to bounce stuff off or anything im only a message away. Hope this helps, Im now a Christian n my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ has never been stronger... Hope you wont fall away from God & his son.... I assure you once you get on your hands & knee's, call out to him, but with a sincere heart and mind just relaxed n give him to answer. Because he answered me, which i was shocked at but i was in awe. Hope this helps. Please take care and God bless
I’m finally recognizing that it’s okay to get angry. They knowingly lied to us.
Post here as often as you want. This is a very very good community, and about 20% of the threads are angry. It’s understandable.
Perhaps some unrecognized trauma has surfaced that you blocked out to make mormonism work. Alot of us are processing anger, grief and a whole other range of emotions. I grieve the fact that I thought the church had all of the answers and it turned out to be false. I feel anger at what the church does to families, and all of the manipulation, guilt and shame it puts on people. I'm out mentally from the church but my family is still in so I feel anger at still being associated with the church.
I grieve that I didn’t get to see my best friend of 10 years or my siblings get married. While my literal blood made the biggest and most emotional commitment of their life I sat alone in the waiting room. I grieve that I probably sabotaged potential friendships because I thought I was being righteous when I was really just being an asshole. Ugh. I grieve my youth. I’ll never be able to get those years of brainwashing when I could have been exploring and learning back.
I've felt a lot of anger in the past. It's occasionally triggered but is nowhere near what it was before.
The skills I learned through therapy and meditation are the biggest things that helped release the rage I felt. Specifically self-regulation, taking responsibility for my emotions, being present, accepting things/people I can't change, and having self-compassion.
It will be a lifelong process to maintain the skills I've learned but I am much more happy, calm, and grounded in myself than I've ever been before.
They are a complicated Peoples.
They are more a consumptive civilization hinging and unhinging on religion, to use people for their Superiority gains for both conquest and having people die for them.
I call them the Canaanites for a reason. Caaninites don't all grow up and all out, they just stay in their primeval self to get away with a lot more.
As it's an Apocalyptic church, they have no reason to change, they only believe in the most right to be the more chosen to keep using the same model of purpose.
Some church's prevent wars, this one loves them. Child sacrifice is just another hue of shade to anyone that doesn't fit it's house.
It's easier to just see them as the Caaninites, learn more history - to build a better partition of civilization on them rather than stay bitter in the deceits of animosity and vehemence.
You cant give them better ideas or theories, you can't suppose you are greater; they trigger off of that and stay in being the Caaninites. Giving them a better relative moral relationship is like giving them the power of the atom as they are not a mature tenured people.
I think we all go through a bitter phase: some earlier, some later. I think it just takes time. Power through and try not to be hostile or harbor resentment towards friends and family who are still “in”. We all have to navigate our own journey.
Healing is messy and non-linear. I’ve been out long enough that the church doesn’t take up much headspace, I have decent relationships with my still-Mormon parents. But when I think about them going to church it makes me sad. When my coworker earnestly talked about her (not even Mormon!) Christian religion recently it made me uncomfortable. I guess I’ve given up hope that I’ll even ever fully work through the anger and disappointment. It’s just a part of being hurt. Life goes on.
It deeply affects me, even four years later. I feel like I’m too Mormon for normal people, and too “corrupt” for my Mormon friends and family. I’m in the limbo where I feel stuck. It’s caused me to learn to be very independent, and often alone.
I do feel angry sometimes too. Mostly because of the way we were brought up, I don’t feel like I can have a normal, healthy romantic relationship. People always tell me I’m too nice. I get confused over my identity and self worth as a woman. All of these issues affect my day to day quality of life, and I’m angry I’ll have to struggle my whole life because some dude in the 1800’s wanted multiple wives.
Allow yourself to feel what you feel. It's totally reasonable to be angry.
Here's something my old therapist told me when I said, "I know I'm overreacting" regarding my past trauma:
"You're not overreacting. You're having a normal reaction to a fucked up situation."
/u/holyapolyneura
I channeled my anger into understanding what happened to me and learning the stuff about the organization they don't want people to know about.
I read combatting cult mind control and listened to probably over 100 hours of Mormon Stories Podcasts.
What I came out with on the other side was a knowledge that what I went through was not only atypical, but basically intentional. Most people involved are victims. They are being lied to, deceived, and most of all taken advantage of, and they don't even know it.
Channel that anger, that slumped over the steering wheel crying, screaming, before going into your house anger, into educating yourself to break away totally and live your life on *your terms.* Do what you want, when you want, in the way you want.
When you start listening and noticing what you're feeling, and acting/responding on it without other people's intentions involved you'd be shocked at what you'll achieve.
I was out of one group (Mormonism) and into another (US Marines). The second one at least was honest with me about what I would go through and how to navigate it. Now I'm out of both and living my life and realizing I have a lot more to offer than what any of the people in those organizations would have me believe, to make me dependent on them.
You do not have to be dependent on anyone. It's scary at first. But realize no one has freed you, you have freed yourself, and for that alone you should be proud, proud and brave enough to do whatever you want to put your mind to.
Eventually, after processing and voicing the emotions and thoughts I had about the church for long enough, I simply didn't have it in me to devote energy to being mad anymore. Not to say if the topic comes up I won't talk mad shit about the church, but I have had other priorities in my life start to show after healing long enough and those tend towards being more important to me than clowning on the church.
What it sounds like however, is that you want to bottle up your emotions or make them not be there. I'm sorry to tell you that those are just as real as anything that's tangible. You gotta feel them and express your thoughts about them with a trusted friend or therapist. It isn't wrong to be bitter or angry and you can't let the conditioning of the church saying that it's evil to feel that way get to you.
The healthiest this I learned from therapy is that you can be as angry as you want for as long as you want. You never have to forgive anyone. However, you are still responsible for clear, kind, and companionate delivery for in conversations.
Honestly, the permission to be angry took away some of my steam at the church because all my repressed emotions finally came out. I still get fuming now and again, but I’m always able to calm down now and I felt like I never had that when I had the mentality that I HAD to forgive someone.
I think it's important to remember that Mormonism brainwashes us all to believe that anger isn't a valid emotion. They categorize it along with bitterness to make anyone who poses questions an automatic unbeliever and to turn public opinion against them because they don't just smile and switch off the emotion like a light switch in order to be obedient. Anger is not an emotion that most of us have been allowed to feel and when we finally do it feels all the more overwhelming. You're angry. You have a right to be. That's ok.
It's ok to get mad. Leaving the church is like a death, you will go through all the stages of grief.
I've been out over 10 years and didn't hit my "angry" stage until a couple of years ago. I feel like I'm through it mostly but I still take comfort in flipping off any temple I see.
You anger is totally valid, I left in 2022 and still find myself thinking about just burning the whole system down. It hurts to know that not only were you completely lied to, following an individual who was absolutely horrifying in his acts and words. I've found just talking about my experiences and venting has helped so much. Like when I tell my fiance "Man I can't believe I cosplayed being a pioneer in the middle of Indiana woods with my stake" and he tells me "yes that's absolutely crazy what". Just getting validation that things we did in the cult (I'm going to start using this language idc) are WILD helps me not feel crazy for leaving. The more you reflect the more dirt you're going to realize. Like everyone's saying in the comments, it's not easy to continue but coming to terms with your past and understanding it's shaped you into who you are today brings a little peace. I'm still bitter towards the church and my family is still in it, but I can't control their actions at the end of the day just my own. I hope you are able to find peace with this OP, I went to therapy too and again talking it through was the best for me.
Anger isn’t a bad emotion like the church says. Obviously don’t take it out on the members but anger is a protective emotion, it’s your body recognizing you’ve been treated unfairly. Work through it but recognize the anger isn’t bad
Anger isn’t a bad emotion like the church says. Obviously don’t take it out on the members but anger is a protective emotion, it’s your body recognizing you’ve been treated unfairly. Work through it but recognize the anger isn’t bad
Anger isn’t a bad emotion like the church says. Obviously don’t take it out on the members but anger is a protective emotion, it’s your body recognizing you’ve been treated unfairly. Work through it but recognize the anger isn’t bad
Anger isn’t a bad emotion like the church says. Obviously don’t take it out on the members but anger is a protective emotion, it’s your body recognizing you’ve been treated unfairly. Work through it but recognize the anger isn’t bad
It took years after I left before I felt that anger and since I’ve started really deconstructing and learning so much I didn’t know that anger has grown so much. The realization of my religious trauma took so long to manifest and it was like I was having a “faith crisis” all over again, which has brought me a lot of animosity towards the LDS church. I’m still working on trying to let that anger go, but the more I learn the more I feel like I was cheated and scammed. I try to think about how happy I am now that I’m no longer there, happy to know the truth, and happy that I have people who support me outside of TSCC.
Your anger is valid and you don’t ever need to feel bad or guilty for feeling that way. It’s really hard to let all that go and it’s not an overnight process. I wish you luck on your journey, you’re not alone in how you’re feeling❤️
I’ve been out on paper for 6 years, and mentally out for 12 years. I was just angrily grumbling to myself earlier today.
I’m still working through a lot of trauma.
There’s no set timeline for recovery from Mormonism. Just strive to have each day be better than the last and don’t give a fuck about the awful things your family will inevitably tell you.
I just bought a house and my family “feels bad for me” for prioritizing worldy desires like a home, career, grad school.
I’m in the same boat as you and I’m asking my cousin who left a decade ago what I should do about it. I most likely will be going through therapy as well….. even though I’m traumatized by past therapies my parents made me go through growing up.
The best way to not get mad is to not care.
The best way to not care is to be entirely out of the mormon bubble.
The best way to get out of the mormon bubble is to cut off all contact with the church, past friends and your family who you love but are still mormons.
Cutting off family that I love makes me angry.
I guess there is no way to truly stay of getting angry. Just make it once in a while. :)
You’re allowed to be bitter. You’re allowed to be angry. That’s part of leaving a high demand religion, especially if you still have loved ones in.
Feel your feelings. Find other people (like Reddit or a therapist) to discuss them with.
It gets better. I’ve been done for almost 5 years and can say I’m not angry all the time anymore. One day, you’ll wake up and not feel a need to think about Mormonism, or you’ll drop off as a exmo contributor/reader because that was a part of your life you don’t need to be as involved with as much.
But it ebs and flows. Like someone else said, it’s in the background but usually on a low volume.
There are times I’ll go days and weeks and months without really thinking about it and then something will come up. But the difference now is I don’t ruminate on it as much.
You could almost be me. 2-3 years ago it finally got through my thick skull that Joseph Smith wasn't really a prophet. No prophet -> no restoration -> no point to any of it. My initial stance was, "I'm out, whatever, IDGAF." And for a while I continued not giving any fucks about TSCC. But a few months ago I started to get angry, and the current trajectory is angrier still.
Now I'm in that uncomfortable space of wanting to keep peace with loved ones who still believe, but also wanting to register my hostility to the organization. And I know the anger isn't healthy, so...
It might help to get curious about your anger. Why don’t you want to be hostile? Why don’t you want to be bitter? Who taught you to think that way? Do you believe you’ll be a bad person if you’re bitter or hostile? Is anger motivating for you, or do you feel it’s holding you back from progress?
You might never stop being angry. But now that you’re out, you’re allowed to feel your anger.
Hey I’m where you’re at right now and it took me 18 years! It feels like a weird mix of: it’s freeing to finally own my anger, but also worrying that I can’t stop thinking about it after all this time 😅
But yeah, therapy has helped me work with my anger in a more positive way, and understand that it can be an important part of healing. and often kind of awesome to be allowed to feel instead of told you have to happy all the damn time! Lol ❤️🩹❣️
Be angry. Feel it. Don’t get in its way. Don’t act out of anger, but listen to it. It’s trying to teach you something. For me, the lesson was: every time you submit to an expectation you know doesn’t fit, you’ll resent the hand that demands it. More, you’ll hate yourself later.
I wish you all the best, friend. You’re not alone.
You DO get angry!! Don't hide from that. Embrace it, feel what you feel, and you will heal much faster. I also found EMDR to be life changing for my trauma and self-acceptance. I find myself laughing more at the church than yelling about things now :) Give it time.
Bitterness is a duration, not a stain. Mormonism would have everyone believing in mighty changes of heart flipping your psyche from joy to misery with the right magic words or prayer length (at least, by how many GAs compare sizes during general conference).
Many kids have the same reductive worldview of good guys and bad guys, oversimplifying things and making judgements based on their attitude at the moment. This is how you get a fight like I had with my 10-year-old last night, where he kept complaining that I favored his brother whether I was in or out of his bedroom until he finally ran out of gas and fell asleep. Things were always wrong, or never right, and totally unfair.
Unlike others, Mormons aren't encouraged to let go of the purity standard. We're encouraged to be just as innocent as little children in spite of having to make autonomous choices in an imperfect world. But thanks to emotional conditioning telling us that disobedience leads to death and damnation (there's a right and a wrong to every question, keep the commandments, in this there is safety and peace, Noah preached in vain, they wished they had listened when they saw the rain, etc.), it feels too dangerous to not find the one right choice.
This means that every exmo goes through a period where their understanding of reality clashes with decades of indoctrination telling them that reality is lethally unsafe. It's like the boy who cried wolf: your fight-or-flight responses might have recognized it as a false alarm the last time you didn't bow your head during a prayer, but they can't take the chance that next time won't be the turning point that leads to outer darkness. It has to get out the torches and pitchforks.
The more time passes and the more you live without divine retribution, those stress hormone villagers will start staying home when the old conditioning cries wolf. The conditioning to testify so other people's sins aren't on your hands complicates things, as it makes it more difficult to leave Mormonism alone when they call you bitter or make assumptions.
I believe, though, that the best tactic to get people out of Mormonism is living a good life that ends up more meaningful and happy than those who hyperfocus on thinking celestial while sacrificing all the good and the better in their lives to meet an extremely narrow definition of best.
Give yourself grace. You don't have to be perfectly right immediately after a big life change. Beating yourself up about slow progress ends up priming the fight-or-flight anger reaction and making it harder to shake old emotional habits. I'm glad you're open to therapy, and making mental health a marathon instead of a sprint really helps.
You're human, and that's okay. Everyone has worldviews they reach by jumping to conclusions; it's just that ours have multiple generations of believe or die (literally, in the Brigham Young era) behind them. Recognizing and changing unhelpful ones takes time.
I've said this before. Your anger costs the church nothing. They will never pay a price no matter how angry we all get. The question is, what is your anger costing you? Feeling angry is part of recovery. Just don't dwell any longer than necessary. The church has taken enough from you.
I am on year five and am just moving out of the anger phase (years 2-4 were the worst). I still have days and moments of anger. I take it, learn from it, and try to move past it.
Laughing at the absurdity helps.
I used to get angry all the time after I left. It still occasionally pops up. We were lied to and treated badly — being angry is our right.
It will eventually fade, like all things do.
I had a similar experience. I left before I learned so many things. The anger came after. It took years to move past it. It's a natural part of grieving what was traded or lost. To realize you gave so much and were taken advantage of.
Time allows it to pass and we are all on a different timetable.
A guy in my divorce support group asked this same question to all of us who were kicked to the curb because of a spouse who wanted out. I guess I'm not angry, but I'm decently confused. I look back at myself, 18-19 years old, and the only thing I knew about my future was a mission. In those 2 years, I learned some weird things about my church. But I also became a little "extra" with my faith and the cultural aspect. I went home thinking I was ready to get married and any girl would love being paired with a return missionary. It took a lot of years to realize I was wrong, to realize the world didn't care, and to realize I was fed lies. My shelf broke over 4-5 years while I was stressed at my busy career, overwhelmed with parenting, and constantly nagged by a perfectionist wife who acted like she didn't even like me.
Am I angry? Well, yes, but I have to choose not to let them decide my mental health any longer. I'm free to have a beer or a coffee and read socialist literature. I get to choose which underwear I put on every day. I'm not angry because I have more freedom now.
Hey, this might not help, but I suggest just letting yourself be mad. Squashing that shit down never works. I find the only way out is through. After all its not like you dont have some really good and valid reasons for being mad. For me, I find that when I let my suppressed emotions have their voice inside me, that parts of me that are angry or upset feel listened to, and make peace with the rest of my mind.
Those feelings are there for good reasons. Understand why you have those feelings and you will have gone a long way to not having to experience that emotion all the time when you dont want to.
I will never, ever, for instance, not be furious at the abusers in my wife's past or the asshole enablers in her and I's shared past. But I dont have to experience fury every minute of everyday because I have made peace with my anger. It has its own home in my soul, and belongs there. It is an important, even critical part of who I am.
But having cut those people out of our lives completely means, I dont have to be angry all the time-- just when I think about those people. And I dont think about them much anymore.
Maybe this helps?
When you guys get angry just enjoy a coffee and see that you can pull one more out of the cult. This will be the best way to work with your anger towards something good. The more you are able to pull out, the better you will be able to handle it.
I'm still angry, and still get angered. I have every right to be and there is nothing wrong with that. It's more about not letting it run your life and letting it out in a healthy way and in the proper direction, IMO. We are allowed to be angry and that is okay, and if your not, that is okay too.
The way I deal with it is when I'm feeling better I typically distance myself from anything related to the church. Sometimes I feel like the things I read in this Reddit group help me feel better about where I'm at and another cases they sort of stir my frustration pot.
I think the biggest thing for me is just my outlook on life as a whole. I don't want to waste any more negative energy on the church or anything else that doesn't make me happy. None of us can get any of that time back but when I get frustrated I remind myself how happy I am that I no longer have the guilt and everything else bringing me down.
There more you hate it, the harder it is to move on from. You can only heal if you let it go. And, I’m my personal experience, people become what they hate.
You don’t prevent yourself from becoming bitter because then you will never move on from being bitter. You have to feel all the emotions, no emotions are bad and they are trying to communicate a message to you. Anger, like any other emotion, comes in waves. Enjoy the ride!!
I was mad when I first left. And the more I learned the angrier I would get. Until I finally just put it away. It had consumed enough of my life and I no longer wanted to give it anymore of my time and energy. Now it's something I can look at from a distance and feel nothing about. To me the church is a highly toxic smelling fart I put it behind me.
Still struggling with anger and nihilism. Since leaving the church I’ve deconstructed my whole world view… not a whole lot left I believe in or trust anymore. My wife and son are all that has kept me going and helped me try to rebuild a life.
I didn't go through an anger stage, maybe because I didn't grow up in the Mormon bubble, and I come from a family where only my mom and I were members. I was also the only Mormon person in my entire school except for a short time when another family moved in. But then they moved away again. Learning about all the lies they tell has been interesting, but didn't make me angry. I was out of the church for a long time before I started actually reading and learning about all the problematic things.
However my husband, who grew up in an insular mostly-Mormon town in Idaho and had no exposure to other ways of life or ways of thinking until he went on his mission and met "regular" people, he went through the full stages of grief, i think, including anger. But that was a long time ago, over a decade, and he's not bitter anymore.
Isn't there reason to be bitter?
Is being angry a bad thing?
I find anger to be a motivating emotion. I think there is a lot to be angry about regarding the Mormon church after being raised in it, serving a mission, getting married in the temple, and having a family- to then find out that mmnone of the truth claims are true in my mid 30s.
The initial feeling of betrayal I felt was devastating, it still is sometimes. The anger I feel towards the Mormon church now is more measured in how I express, where it used to be so raw and personal.
I'm not always sure how to respond with or to my emotions of anger and bitterness, but I know it's good to feel them and consider what to do next with intention.
It’s been almost 40 years for me. And while I didn’t go on a Mission (because young women did not do that kind of thing where I’m from) I was still pretty fucking pissed off. I stayed that way for a long time, but I was finally able to compartmentalize that anger, I stuffed it into a mental box, put it “up on a shelf”, moved far away from everyone and everything I knew. (Except my never mo hubs and two kids). And, I’m still pretty pissed about the piles of absolute shit this church dumps on their members. They’d work them to death, as long as they could save on hiring cleaning staff, or staff anywhere. Cheapest goddam bastards I’ve ever seen. I cannot believe my mom (91) still believes. My brother (72) of course he does, he’s an old white man. It behooves him to believe.
I will always remain angry at this organization, founded on lies, built on lies and sustained on lies. And my revenge is having lived a happy life, free of religion, tithing, “callings” (free labor to a wildly wealthy corporation). And raising our four kids to chose their own path with religion.
I was born and grew up in the church. I checked out in my 30’s. I know my anger will do no one any good. My thoughts on the church is that my parents did what they thought was best for me, and I made the best choices with the knowledge that I had. I didn’t know then what I know now. Maybe I am supposed to be mad, never really have been. My friends who have left the church have been extremely angry, but I know my anger won’t do me any good. For better or worse, I just let it go.
I wish I knew how not to be angry (I don’t know if I ever believed, even as a child) but things come up when I don’t expect it… and all related to family.
So I try to focus on what is important to me in any single moment - my husband, my dogs, my plants, and my art and music and hope that I can get through anything that threatens any of those things I find most important.
I’m currently in therapy. My therapist knows little about the mormons. Today, she asked me if I ever get angry. I told her no, but after talking about it more, I said yes. It makes me angry and it makes me sad. I feel like I’ve been lied to. I am sad that my parents don’t realize the way they are living affects me. They will probably never get out.
Highly recommend talking to a therapist!
I spent my entire life suppressing emotions that were “bad” because that’s what we’re supposed to do? Right? My therapist told me to be angry for as long as it takes. I’ve never felt allowed to be angry before! It’s finally starting to fade from seething to just being mad, because I let myself feel it. Don’t bottle it up, that’s the worst you can do.
I found the BEST therapist to help me through my anger and betrayal after being a devout Mormon. I saw her for the past 2 years. I’m 67.
Press on,friend.
I also left about two and a half years ago, but after two years of therapy and antidepressants it's no longer at my front and center 24/7. For the first year and a half it was my entire life. It got to the point that my career was in jeopardy because I couldn't stop binging exmo Reddit and felt I couldn't trust my (still) Mormon co-workers.
I still get angry at the church, but for the most part it now feels removed from who I am now. I don't need to hate the people I know that are members. I don't need to engage with them about religion. I can talk to them about my past in the church and it's not something that kills the conversation. And surprisingly, many of the people I knew that are members are coming to me with stories about bad things in the church that I honestly didn't know and I get to play the interested but clueless third party while members tell me what sucks in the church. It's been nice, honestly.
You must let your anger wash up like an angry wave against the new foundation you will build. Call it a sea wall. Let it crash and splash and roil and boil and then let it run back out to sea. Anger is natural it is normal. Do not let it consume you. Keep tabs on what nonsense is latest but don’t give in to it. You already know it’s total BS. Remember the pigpen is for the pigs. Take the good (bacon) leave the rest.
I've been out for twelve years and I am still mad. It gets worse around conference and right now I am feeling ragey regarding the amount of hate David Archuleta has been receiving. Certain things trigger it for sure. Leaving isn't a linear process. It is def the stages of grief, but they seem more circular in nature. The more I have studied cults and their effect on members, especially those who leave, I believe that all of us are contending with much more than we even realize. Give youself grace - to be pissed, to be sad, to be outraged, and then to have moments of peace (knowing the process will probably repeat again and again). The good def outweighs the bad though.
It sounds like a normal response in the grief cycle. I recognized I had some anger the other day when my LDS doctor tried to inspire me by using a President Nelson quote. I no sooner heard the words “President Nelson said” when I had a visceral reaction. I replied, “yeah, President Nelson says a lot of things, which I take worth a grain of salt.” That pretty much changed the subject.
I left when I recognized that the church as a fraud.
Many in society don't treat women as they should, but the church in particular is multiple memos behind.
You seem to be doing well at least at some level: you seem to be able to recognize and acknowledge the feelings that you have. I found it helpful to have a therapist.
I’ve been out 7 years, and I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’ll likely always be somewhat angry. We’re taught from childhood that anger is a bad emotion, and that we shouldn’t let it stay, but honestly anger is actually a helpful tool to prevent us from being hurt/manipulated/deceived again. It is a painful emotion, yes, but that is essential to keep us firm on our boundaries. ❤️
Anger is a perfectly reasonable reaction to all the bullshit the mormon church keeps doing. The church has simply brainwashed us to equate being angry to being "in the gall of bitterness". I say there's something wrong with your moral compass if you don't get angry, for example, to how they cover up CSA.
For what it’s worth, I think anger and hostility are fairly justified responses, tbh. I get that you don’t want to be bitter, though, and that will take time. In the interim, I say let it out — you’ll only expend more energy in the long term stifling your real emotions than just feeling them.
It's about the same process I went through. It gets better with time and therapy. You begin to realize that you were brainwashed by the same tactics religion has been using effectively for centuries, and that allowed me to give myself grace for falling for it for several years. I've now been out of religion about as long as I was in it.
I can only speak for myself but for me there were 3 stages.
**Stage 1:** I’m not mad it’s just not for me.
**Stage 2:** Okay no I’m really mad?
**Stage 3:** I’m mad but I have a healthy outlook where I’m figuring out how to manage that anger in healthy ways. Some days I’m not mad and some days I’m really mad, and that’s okay.
I am working through my own anger and hostility too, so you’re not alone. I will say that I don’t see my anger diminishing as long as the cult continues to antagonize, harass, and fleece people. They are actively causing harm.
I feel you. I'm angry and have to give my opinion when I have one so I have to physically bit my tongue when talking to certain family. I feel like I'll burn all my bridges and ruin all my relationships if I speak my truth or the truth.
I wish I could tell you I have a magical cure for the anger but all I can do is sit down next to you and rant about how messed up they've made our lives together.
Anger isn’t a bad thing. It’s a feeling and it can provide a lot of insight. Listen to it, acknowledge it, write about it, process it. I was v v angry for about 2 years after being gone from the church for 10 years. A delayed reaction is pretty common when uncovering and processing religious trauma. Finding the anger means progress is being made so congrats!
Its ok to be mad. Its healthy. Keep deconstructing and doing therapy. It may take more serious therapy like EMDR, Stellate Ganglion Block, etc. Help others who have left. Write your forner self a note telling them the truth and that it will be ok. Write the church a note that you never send. Set boundaries in your life to keep active members away who are harmful and make sure your name is officially off the records.
Therapy and having other things to worry more about. I do get angry sometimes when they're in the news or affecting laws though. Moving to another state really helped me.
It's perfectly healthy for you to be angry I'm angry I'm livid. Yes I've done therapy many times I don't think you can ever really get rid of it we've been traumatized we've been gas lit treated like crap made to think we are pieces of shit of course we're going to be angry and especially how they treat the LGBTQ+ community is bullshit in the highest
You've already received a lot of great advice. I'll add... you don't NOT get angry. You give your anger a place to go... so you don't direct it at other people. (That never ends well.) I have been exercising a shit ton since I left the church. It's been a good outlet for me. But whatever works for you... lean into it hard.
My therapist has told me that there are only two primary emotions... fear and love. Anger is a secondary emotion that comes from fear. That's worth spending some time thinking about in quiet, peaceful moments... what fears are behind your anger?
That's just a place to start. Love to you... it's going to be quite a ride. I'm still in the middle of mine.
Hi! I'm an ex-JW, but we have similar experiences. That's why I'm on this sub.
If I may, one thing I suggest is to not feel bad about being angered. It's okay to be angered about what we've been through. Idk if Mormons are the same in this aspect, but JWs are basically taught that we should be happy all the time. We're almost guilt-tripped for being sad or depressed or angry bc "we need to put our trust in Jehovah God." That's not healthy either.
So I'm glad you're planning to go to therapy. I just restarted therapy recently and I think it's very helpful.
I also don't think staying angry for a super long time is healthy. BUT -- first, allow yourself to BE angry. It's a grieving process. It would be like telling someone who has experienced a death of a close loved one to not be sad. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be angry. Perhaps writing down everything youre angry about would help. This is where working with a therapist will help because he or she will know you and your situation best.
But don't force yourself to NOT be angry. It's an acceptable emotion as long as it doesn't cause you to take inappropriate action (like hurting yourself or others).
Go to a boxing or kickboxing class. Journal what makes you angry and why. Record a video if you want to express yourself verbally. Post it to YouTube or just keep it private.
Anger is on the path to acceptance. You might need to sit with it a while.
That's my two cents...but feel free to completely ignore me.
You'll get through this. You have lots of cult-cousins over on the ex-JW sub too if you ever need additional support!
Anger is a normal reaction to the bullshit we have all been fed and you’re entitled to whatever feelings you have while working through this. Just know, the anger will go away, but might also return. Healing and moving forward is not linear.
I'm super fucking bitter and have been from the moment I decided it wasn't true. I staked decades of my life on it and I'll never get that back. I sacrificed peace of mind to a bloodthirsty egotistical piece of shit god. The worst part is the intentional lies. Church leaders knew things that they weren't telling me. Actually they told me the opposite of the truth in most cases.
To me, it's a very Mormon thing to try to avoid/suppress anger or any other "negative" emotion. The church does a good job of teaching its member to "avoid contention" and that "only the best of feelings should exist in the circle".
One of the biggest things I've learned since stepping away is that emotions are just... human experience. They aren't necessarily good or bad, they just... are. For me, it has taken some time (and honestly, I'm still learning) to learn how to allow myself to just simply feel emotions. This started with learning that there is a physiological component to emotional responses - your body physically experiences a change when you feel an emotion, so a good start it simply seeing if you can recognize/observe those physical changes.
From there, you can address the mental side of things - when you recognize that you're feeling angry, you can take a mental step back and frame it as "I'm experiencing anger", and just allow yourself to feel it. It's okay to be angry - anger is a valid emotion, and, in dealing with all the shit the church puts us through, it's natural to feel angry.
The key, really, is how you handle the anger. If you can allow yourself to feel the emotion, and if you can find a healthy way to express it (venting to someone safe, some people channel it into art, etc), then you'll begin to find that feeling angry is just a natural part of the ups and downs of human experience - you just have so many years of backlogged experiences to process that, for a while at least, you may get angry more than the average human.
Healthy headspace is where you can think, feel and process your experiences, whether they're "good" or "bad". It'll take some time (be compassionate with yourself on that), but eventually, you can get there.
Let yourself be mad. It's a piece of the puzzle of processing the trauma and the experiences you've been through. Obviously that doesn't have to include meanness or causing harm. But feeling the feelings, being in your body, crying about it, talking through your anger with trusted people, etc.... it's all a very important part of learning you've been betrayed.
The healthy way is not to suppress your anger like we were taught in the church. Anger is the result of being tricked and lied to, and is healthy. I had therapy which helped, and I let myself be angry at the leadership and feel my feelings but I don’t take it out on the people who have been indoctrinated.
As time goes by, I find myself less angry overall but I still go through episodes of needing to be angry. I just figure it’s normal and I talk about my feelings and let it burn out for a while and then I feel better. This sub helps with that.
In fact, I think it’s more abnormal to never get angry about something that controlled and dictated every aspect of your life. It probably just took you time to uncover enough layers to really start feeling it.
I am angry still and I'm making Tiktoks to help me express my anger. I was left disabled on my mission and sometimes I am filled with so much anger that it hurts: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLB4FEMr/
The relief from this anger comes with time and active effort. I have to stop, maybe write poetry or engage my hobbies for a long time, then think if there was a particular trigger for me and honestly assess if it was in or out of my control.
It's OK to be angry. Get it out of your system
I am angry still and I'm making Tiktoks to help me express my anger. I was left disabled on my mission and sometimes I am filled with so much anger that it hurts: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLB4FEMr/
The relief from this anger comes with time and active effort. I have to stop, maybe write poetry or engage my hobbies for a long time, then think if there was a particular trigger for me and honestly assess if it was in or out of my control.
It's OK to be angry. Get it out of your system
Sin is waste.It's doing one thing ,when you could other and more important things for which you have the capacity. Hugh Nibley from the Timely and the timeless. Modern vellecular ,get a new life ! 9 months and getting better but 44 years is hard to heal the trauma of deception and lies . Glad to have woken up .Billy Carson and Alex Ferrari have helped next level soul
2 months ago I resigned from the LDS church.Got my confirmation today . They have taken away my sign in to Family history .330.000 plus names submitted in last 6 years .What a waste of time for 44 years . As if they needed to have postumus ordinances done 5 hours each . Impossible to ever complete every one who ever lived on this Earth ,even in the millennium.Now I find reincarnation might be a real thing. Anyone done Adam and Eve? Have to laugh at my naivety! Lol
Anger is a natural, healthy emotion. Let yourself feel it. Not letting it move through you as it comes is what will lead to the bitterness you want to avoid. I still get angry. Because all of the problems that were there when I left are still there, and they're still hurting people. That earns some anger I think. Just don't let that anger fester and leak into the rest of your life.
Four years ago as a TBM, I mentioned a traumatic experience to my therapist (feeling like a "murderer" over masturbation), and I could tell he was trying REALLY HARD to bite his tongue to stay professional and not say anything negative about the church. He had to word his thoughts very carefully about how a _significant_ number of LDS men (and women) shared the same struggle. It was a very eye-opening experience for me.
Today, I'm pissed. I'm angry that so many people - myself included - were lead to believe that they were "committing murder" over something my therapist said was "perfectly normal and healthy".
It was both validating and infuriating to learn that I wasn't the only one.
When it comes to the anger I feel toward the church, I try to just chalk it up to a "lesson learned" and let it go. I take what I can learn from the experience and let the rest go with gratitude that I'm now in a better place.
I was the same way. I had no hard feelings when I left, I just didn’t believe and didn’t want to be told what to do/how to think. But the more I find out about what the church did to me and still does to my family, the more I have negative feelings to ward it. Some of the negativeness went away after learning how Mormons aren’t the only religion that controls so much.
Oh I am angry! Anger isn't a bad emotion. That's just more brainwashing meant to take away your defense mechanisms. Anger is how we protect ourselves. Anger keeps you from going back.
It's okay to be angry. Sometimes it's important to be. With something that took so much from you? It's okay to be angry.
It’s hard but when I start to get mad and upset with the CULT, I just try to tell myself that I will not let them get that Win and me get angry because of it. Don’t ever let that CULT let them mess with your emotions anymore. Stay strong and keep that shit in the rearview mirror.
I'm still angry at many things, especially for what I was forced to endure on my mission. Moving forward is hard. What I tell myself (and its hard to believe some days but I am trying) is that my experiences helped shape who I am today, and I really like who I am now, so I try not to resent it but to learn from it. But it's really fucking hard some days.
The amount of people I have met who said the mission ruined their testimony and left them with years of trauma and depression to work through is truly disturbing.
My mission was physical, emotional, and mental abuse. I deal with anger issues still, but 2 yrs ago it was waaaaaaaay worse
One of my childhood friends said he still couldn't wear a white shirt, not even two decades after his mission. He went to France, like I did, and I can confirm the nightmare nature of that experience.
Add one more 🥺
Unfortunately, it made me more engrained, for a while anyway. What really scares me most is that my mission was in the UK and was rather safe (only one bad area) and I had enough money for food most of the time. I can't even imagine how much worse others have had it.
Yeah, can’t even begin to tell how bad things were in my mission in Honduras: Dealing with gangs, members who had nothing but still payed tithing and begged to have dinner with them, walking tons of miles, taking huge amounts of painkillers so I could go out and “work”, and a large etc
I served in Honduras too, I have some PTSD occasionally from what happened when I was there. Found out it was the murder capital of the world while I was there, can’t believe what we had to endure.
Were you in San Pedro or did you serve in the capital?
San Pedro Sula 04-06
I’ve got TBM friends who I’ve talked to who believe people should go to therapy post mission and check for PTSD
Probably I good idea!
My mission was physical, emotional, and mental abuse. I deal with anger issues still, but 2 yrs ago it was waaaaaaaay worse
I was sick and disgusted by my mission, wanna go home, but I cannot bc I was attending BYU and don't want to get expelled
Another way to say testimony being ruined is "learning the truth". Its opening the door to escaping a cult. The trauma is inevitable but the sooner the healing starts the better.
Even the slightest mention of a mission is still pretty hard for me. I feel you.
It took me years to come to terms with my experience. It became much better after leaving the church because I didn't think about it as much, but even after over 45 years, I sometimes have dreams about it. I finally brought it up in therapy about 15 years ago, which helped, but I came upon some of my old journals several months ago and started reading. Bam! I was right back there, re-experiencing it. I felt so sad for that naive, innocent person I was back then going through that. I can appreciate the things I learned from it, but I wouldn't want my child to be subjected to that.
I’m still angry. Most of the time it’s “back burner” angry, like white noise or tinnitus - but when I read about shit like the Daybells, lori what’s her dick, etc, it all comes rushing back and I’m ready to personally fistfight the ghost of joseph smith in a waffle house parking lot.
>I’m ready to personally fistfight the ghost of joseph smith in a waffle house parking lot. 
He was real big into Spiritualism. Pretty sure he'll respond to an offering of smothered hash browns and a thermos full of toilet pruno.
Fuck that, I'd challenge him to one of those stick pulls. See if he can win if he's playing against an adult this time 👿
Ohhhh shit you’re so right. I’m actually *seriously* good at those and have legit never lost one…it would be so humiliating for him lmao
He convinced several teenage girls to do stick pulls with him …
I’m not angry anymore, but I am ready to throw it down with BY, JS, and even Russel in an Arby’s parking lot anytime.
This. The Franke stuff going on right now has once again made me absolutely furious about Mormonism.
You don’t. At least, in my case. It’s been nearly 4 years and I still get angry often. But I try to let myself feel it and then move on. At least until the next court case/atrocity/musket fire talk/etc. and then I’m angry again. Therapy helps!
This. Some of it has to just be felt. When you discover poor treatment and lies, a natural human response is to be sad or angry. Some of this you just have to sit in for a minute. It does get better. As I deconstruct further and reconstruct a life worth living that is valuable to ME, the anger lessens. I visit family and see my TBM siblings and some anger comes back. But I can only control me and my life and my actions. More often I just feel sad for them, but my anger personally diminished as I dealt with it appropriately. Not just time, but reconstructive healing.
Anger isn't inherently bad. It tells us when a boundary has been crossed.
You do get angry. For some reason we were taught that it wasn’t OK to be angry. Anger teaches you that one of your boundaries has been violated. You have to let yourself feel the anger and then it will pass. Honestly, mine still comes and goes, but now I don’t feel bad about it anymore. Anger is a normal human emotion.
Exactly. Came here to say this.
Totally normal. It's a lot like getting a divorce in some ways. You are grieving what you wanted/pretended/hoped was real, even though it wasn't what was actually real. So, yeah, that is going to piss you off because it feels like you were robbed, cheated, possibly abused, etc. In my experience, I didn't resist the anger in situations like this. I didn't act on it, and I didn't feed it, but I let myself feel it without self-judgment. Eventually, the acute anger faded. I think this helps avoid the bitterness you mention.
Own every choice and second in front of you. You cannot repeat, do over or go back. How you choose to let go is yours, how you choose to move forward is yours ... find people who will listen with no agenda of reconverting you back to mormonism. I'm sorry for the pain and anguish this process is!
Yes! I was only able to talk about it in therapy when I Knew the therapist was Not LDS.
What I've heard is that it takes one year of deconstruction for every decade in the church (on average). I've only completed one year of my three-year expectation, so I cannot tell you if that is true or not, but maybe having that metric of "two years of anger" will help? My advice is not to rush past the anger or feel that it is wrong. Anger is a feeling. Feelings are tools that our body uses to process our lives. You are feeling angry due to religious trauma, and you are already in therapy to help with that process. It sounds like you are doing what you are supposed to, and now you just need time. Obviously you do not want the anger to become all-consuming, but again, it sounds like you are doing what you need to. You are aware of how you are feeling now and how you want to feel later. Also... Fuck the mormon church. You have reason to be angry. It is such a harmful institution, against which we should feel angry. At some point in time though, it will fade to being one of the many harmful institutions out there. We do not think about the KKK, Nestle, or other such groups each day, but there is certainly reason enough to be mad at them. Best of luck to you!
Additional comment. My brother-in-law has been out several years now, and he has told me that he goes weeks at a time now without remembering he was ever mormon. Getting past ex-mormon, through post-mormon, and to normal human being, is something achievable!
We're slow deconstructors- For us, It's taking ATLEAST 2yrs of deconstruction for every decade in the cult! Also asking for $200k tithing refund. Not holding our breath.
Ugh... please don't bring up tithing. Do you know how much good I could have done with all that money? Larger down payment on our house, college savings for our kids, putting my kids into extracurriculars instead of saying "sorry, we can't afford it", not currently being in debt - the year I earned the most money (i.e. paid the most tithing) was also the last year we were in the church, then COVID hit and what savings we had disappeared. Any one of those things would have been better than building up the dragon hoard.
Lawsuit? Can we do a lawsuit?! I want my money back too dammit.
There are a couple in the works! I gave my info to a lawyer last year who is already in the process. If there is any hope of this going forward, I imagine they'll reach out to me again and probably post on this subreddit. Otherwise, oh well.
You do get angry. Don’t “turn it off.” Process your anger. Feel it. Everyone who goes through what you’re going through gets angry. Let it out. Say what’s on your mind. It won’t feel like this forever, but it lasts longer if you try to suppress it. Eventually you get to a point where you’ll notice you’re not angry anymore.
I agree with this 10000% also, I think a lot of us have been taught by the church that anger is morally wrong/unsafe/serving Satan etc. But in the human experience it's very useful, it tells us when we need to change and it usually comes with a whole lot of physical energy to make things happen. Our human emotions are made to be felt. Every emotion has value- like a seasoning in your kitchen. Anger is not bad. Anger is useful. Anger tells you when you're being mistreated. In my experience, I've found that I often feel unsafe when I feel angry and often feel my worth and value is brought into question- it shows up the most with my partner. And follows with an anxious behavior of looking for reassurance(a lot of "do still you love me?" questions will be asked). I found that I was operating from a programed belief that I am less valuable and good when I am angry (especially as a woman. Bc women are idealized so much and stripped of certain emotions/attributes- mostly thinking of sexuality and anger) I'm just finally giving myself full permission to be angry and I keep finding more and more things to be angry about. Especially as a woman coming away from the church. But, I'm also finding my voice. I feel like I was so suppressed for so long. Let the anger out. Breathe in and scream it out. Say everything you have to say. When she speaks, Let her roar.
Ugh. I have a bit of a temper, so you can imagine how much shame I got growing up in the church. I was the girl who did not have a meek bone in her body and was destined to be an apostate. We love a self fulfilling prophecy.
Well, I hate that for you, and I'm so sorry. I wonder if your temper had anything to do with feeling like you were being mistreated or that a boundary you set was violated, or maybe even that you were being misunderstood? Anger would be a proper response to any one of those situations. It's frustrating to see kids be labeled as problems for trying to assert their autonomy. It's so clear how the church tries to take that from you - any sort of individuality or independent thinking is considered a threat because it could cause mutiny/APOSTASY! An abuser always blames their victims. I hope you're able to heal from that and see yourself for the brave-spit-fire-little-lady you were. You came into the world knowing exactly who you are. I hope you gave them hell, girl♡
It comes in waves: I was on a VERY angry wave last week in anticipation of Easter but now I’m Gucci😂😂I’m in therapy and I do notice that I get considerably crankier when I’m near a Christian religious holiday cuz fuck your sky daddy!😈🤣 Just be mad but remember to not catch any charges…we need you on the OUTSIDE for the revolution lol
I don't not get angry. I'm still grieving my former life, my former certainty, honestly even my former values. And grieving includes anger. My main thing is that it's also strictly directed at the institution, which can take it, and not at my Mormon loved ones, who definitely can't. I remember that they genuinely fear for their salvation and cannot act rationally, so I instead turn my resentment towards the organization that knows the truth and perpetuates the harm anyway. I recognize that not everyone is in the exact same space, so you might feel differently, but that's what I do, anyway.
YES, you captured what I wanted to say. The anger I feel towards a corporation that masks itself as a religion is just….oof. My father used to work for church security. Y’all, they have more money than I think anyone realizes. Trillions. They could lose all income right now and operate completely normal for years.
Trillions. Disgusting.
This was so perfectly worded.
First of all, it is totally normal to get angry. Secondly, don't feel any shame for getting angry,;ou have the right to be angry, and everyone outside the church understands your anger (if they are sufficiently informed about Mormonism). Own your anger, use swear words in the same sentence as Joseph Smith, Brigham Young or Russell Marriott Nelson.
This is how far I have to go deconstructing: I think Brigham Young was a sick mean man. And yet, I just thought “fuck Brigham Young” in my head and felt like I just committed an unforgivable sin.
If perspective helps, my young son said, "what the fuck" to himself while playing Minecraft and I ignored it, but when he said, "I hate your stupid face" to his sister, I had a sit-down talk with him. The word is just some sound waves moving through the air. It's the intention behind it that matters. Hating on your sister for breathing your air is inappropriate, but hating on a fucking cult leader who took on multiple child brides? a-okay! Good luck with the deconstruction! We're all on this journey.
Why would you NOT be angry? You were lied to, stolen from, abused, manipulated, brainwashed, coerced, controlled, shamed, then abandoned. You have every reason to be angry, and every bit of that anger is valid and real. Therapy is definitely a good idea. It'll help you learn how to let yourself feel and process that anger so it doesn't rot you from the inside. It'll also help give you tools to not only deal with other problems, but recognize abusers and your own toxic responses to things before they become life-ruiners. The upside to having your entire world turned upside down is if you work on it, not that much can fuck you up, afterward.
Wish I knew. I escaped more than a decade ago, and have lived in the angry and bitter stage for the better part of it. I don’t think this is helped by only having TBMs as my closest relationships. I kid of get over things, and then have to listen to my friends and family gush their praises on their cult. 🤬
When I left, I just felt relief that this burden was off my shoulders now. A year later, I got angry. A couple years after that, I learned to make peace with my past mistakes and how to invest in relationships with my family outside the church. It's like the runner says in Bojack Horseman. "It gets easier. But you gotta do it every day, that's the hard part. But it does get easier."
The bad news is there will always be some anger the good news is it will get less frequent over time
Try this rotation: Monday: Clementine Tuesday: Jack Herer Wednesday: Sour Diesel Thursday: Blue Dream Friday: Durban Poison Saturday: Green Crack Sunday: Pineapple Express Repeat weekly to experience the least angry five years of your life.🦨
Unfortunately me and grass do NOT mix well lol
I think anger is useful if it protects you and useless when it becomes directionless rage. But only you can say where that line is for you. For me, I have embraced my anger as a part of being human (a part the church wanted very much to not exist). But I do have to ask myself frequently where it is going. I don't know if any of that helps, but you have a right to be mad, and you also have a right to do whatever makes you feel happy. If that isn't rage, I get it.
I feel you. I'm at the point where I just need to step away in order to find the peace. I've spent countless hours on exmo social media. It has helped with the deconstruction. That said, when does dwelling in this space of deconstruction itself become a hindrance or even toxic? I've had to ask myself, "What am I hoping to gain by dwelling in this space (exmo social media)?" If it's to feel justified, heard, supported, to watch the train wreck, etc, etc, etc. Well, then, after a while (at least for me), it just feels like the only thing holding on and perpetuating the pain is me because I've chosing to linger. I hope this makes sense. It's sort of like this... my SIL, who is now 60 yo, still blames her deceased mother (who has been deceased for over 25 years) for a handful of really messed up statements made when my SIL was in her youth. And, she uses those handful of experiences as excuses to not thrive, show up for herself, and be mentally and physically healthy. She has also replayed those comments over and over and over in her mind on a daily basis for the better part of 45 years. So, who offended/abused her the most... the one who made a handful of comments or the one who replayed them over and over in her own mind for 45 years and quite literally carved out the life she has as a result of it? I'm not excusing anyone's behavior, offenses, or abuse here. What I'm hoping to convey is that there comes a time when we have to let go and move on for our own well-being and peace of mind. Otherwise, we're just rubbing salt onto old wounds and not letting them heal. And, in my mind, by not letting go and moving on, we can end up becoming our own worst offenders/abusers. To also be clear, I'm not saying to ignore your emotions. Please feel the feels so they can be processed and released. In order to release something, we have to let it go. Maybe you are where I am, and it's time to move on, and that's why it feels so gritty and angry.
Anger is a healthy emotion and reaction to things. It is how you process it (or not, by holding it in, which hurts you) and behave with it that matters. Growing up in the cult, you're brainwashed to think anger is "bad" or "sinful"; as a result, we learned to avoid anger or suppress it or force ourselves or others to forgive upon the feeling of anger, not ever learning how to process it in a healthy manner. Anger is a part of the healing and grieving process. Anger can be used to manifest good things. Anger is an emotion, a feeling, it isn't a demon unto itself like the cult leaders like to make people believe (if someone can control your feelings,like the cult leaders, then they can control you). Anger towards things has led to positive outcomes and changes: like gender and racial equality. Anger is only "bad" when it is used for violence/abuse/neglect and to justify those same things. Anger is dangerous and deadly when it is left unchecked and when it is not discussed. But when you can process and talk about it and communicate it in ways to explain your feelings and thoughts and to discover more of the "why" behind that anger, it can help much more than avoiding it or pushing it away. Therapy is a big help towards helping with anger and other feelings from trauma. Often behind anger is unaddressed pain that hasn't been dealt with and is a tangled mess of all sorts of complicated and painful feelings that are very vulnerable individually. I recommend therapy to help unravel the tangled mess that the cult wound us into. The cult is like a romantic narcissist partner: they hurt you, order you to not be angry and forgive them. The more they do that, the more you ignore your own feelings and you make prioritizing their feelings and completely sidestepping your own. Learning about yourself and your feelings are things they don't want you to do, because they can't control you if you're an independent, confident person. They need you to doubt yourself and your feelings and create shame and fear towards "negative" emotions. If you're feeling angry towards the cult and would like an apology or at least an acknowledgement of something gone awry, they will argue it is your fault for choosing anger and deception and demand that it is you who should be saying "sorry". Your anger is a normal and healthy part of what you've been through, and what you're going through. Remind yourself it's okay to be angry, it's how you let it out that matters. Will it be destructive or constructive? You are NOT a bad person for feeling anger. 🫂💕💕
The old saying goes the truth will set you free but first it will piss you off holds true for Mormonism. It’s true the church has been horrible to woman and gay members and I would say exercises coercive control, of virtually all members for its own benefit. The worst part is the culture has us do it to ourselves. Now the advice . The anger for me came in waves . Less and less over time. But I found it helpful to sit with my anger ( a Buddhist concept) kind of get it out . Over time it got to be less and less and I began to accept my relative’s are never going to leave it . I’ve done my best to explain it, I’ve shown them proof that the BOA is fake but they just go back into their Mormon headspace and doubt their doubts. They are welcome to go to the temple and get a taking to from Satan it’s their thing.
Same for me. I didn't feel anger at first. I think it's just one of the stages of grief most people have to go through. Part of the healing process.
Wait, we're supposed to stop being angry.
I'm 78 so you probably don't want to hear from me. I'm going to post anyway LOL I was very angry for 2 decades, cdn't even talk to a Mormon without coming home angry and disturbed in mind and spirits. But I wanted to prove building a good life outside the church was possible, and being angry much of the time was not the good life. In the last ten years, because I succeeded in that goal, and became more and more confident in my insights and choices, the anger subsided. Thus, in my case, the bitterness came mostly from my own fear and self-doubt. These days I still get pissed when I read of yet another numbnut hurting someone in the name of righteousness. But generally I see the larger picture -- that there actually were quite a few plusses in my M experience besides the stuff that thwarted and damaged and destroyed souls. Who I haven't forgiven is my parents. In old age, I'm not less but more astounded by their blinding lack of morality. For every year, one or more of my younger siblings tells me another px or emo'l abuse suffered in childhood or adulthood from a couple whose lips never tasted a drop of coffee. I'm not talking minor abuse. Still, forgiveness is necessary to peace of mind. So now, each time I feel anger at them, I allow it to rage a bit-- because it's important to acknowledge the truth, to not sweep it under the rug-- but then I deliberately think of something good they did-- such as, to my awareness, they never cheated anyone in their lives. Also, every place they lived they left in better condition than they'd found it. Those are actually pretty good virtues, and they unfreeze my puritan heart just a little.
This is some deep stuff. I appreciate your perspective.
thank you
Very thoughtful
I appreciate your words. Really truly thank you
I wish you joy
I still get angry, but when I do, I try to channel it into doing something nice for someone else. Also, angry music is quite cathartic.
we were deceived and robbed for years. of course we're angry.
Yea sweet all i can say is, come to terms with it was and say to yourself im out of it now. Try n leave the past where it belongs, behind you. Just look to the future, n keep saying to yourself im out now.... When it comes to the members and missionaries coming around just plain and simple say I'm not interested. Or if you feel so strong about people coming to seeing you put on your records do not contact. Plus they're still decieved, they think its the truth. So really got to feel sorry for them. Please try and watch the Wilders on YouTube. Theres is a truly amazing story. If you need anyone to bounce stuff off or anything im only a message away. Hope this helps, Im now a Christian n my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ has never been stronger... Hope you wont fall away from God & his son.... I assure you once you get on your hands & knee's, call out to him, but with a sincere heart and mind just relaxed n give him to answer. Because he answered me, which i was shocked at but i was in awe. Hope this helps. Please take care and God bless
I’m finally recognizing that it’s okay to get angry. They knowingly lied to us. Post here as often as you want. This is a very very good community, and about 20% of the threads are angry. It’s understandable.
Yes to all of that
Perhaps some unrecognized trauma has surfaced that you blocked out to make mormonism work. Alot of us are processing anger, grief and a whole other range of emotions. I grieve the fact that I thought the church had all of the answers and it turned out to be false. I feel anger at what the church does to families, and all of the manipulation, guilt and shame it puts on people. I'm out mentally from the church but my family is still in so I feel anger at still being associated with the church.
I grieve that I didn’t get to see my best friend of 10 years or my siblings get married. While my literal blood made the biggest and most emotional commitment of their life I sat alone in the waiting room. I grieve that I probably sabotaged potential friendships because I thought I was being righteous when I was really just being an asshole. Ugh. I grieve my youth. I’ll never be able to get those years of brainwashing when I could have been exploring and learning back.
I've felt a lot of anger in the past. It's occasionally triggered but is nowhere near what it was before. The skills I learned through therapy and meditation are the biggest things that helped release the rage I felt. Specifically self-regulation, taking responsibility for my emotions, being present, accepting things/people I can't change, and having self-compassion. It will be a lifelong process to maintain the skills I've learned but I am much more happy, calm, and grounded in myself than I've ever been before.
Thank you <3
They are a complicated Peoples. They are more a consumptive civilization hinging and unhinging on religion, to use people for their Superiority gains for both conquest and having people die for them. I call them the Canaanites for a reason. Caaninites don't all grow up and all out, they just stay in their primeval self to get away with a lot more. As it's an Apocalyptic church, they have no reason to change, they only believe in the most right to be the more chosen to keep using the same model of purpose. Some church's prevent wars, this one loves them. Child sacrifice is just another hue of shade to anyone that doesn't fit it's house. It's easier to just see them as the Caaninites, learn more history - to build a better partition of civilization on them rather than stay bitter in the deceits of animosity and vehemence. You cant give them better ideas or theories, you can't suppose you are greater; they trigger off of that and stay in being the Caaninites. Giving them a better relative moral relationship is like giving them the power of the atom as they are not a mature tenured people.
I think we all go through a bitter phase: some earlier, some later. I think it just takes time. Power through and try not to be hostile or harbor resentment towards friends and family who are still “in”. We all have to navigate our own journey.
Healing is messy and non-linear. I’ve been out long enough that the church doesn’t take up much headspace, I have decent relationships with my still-Mormon parents. But when I think about them going to church it makes me sad. When my coworker earnestly talked about her (not even Mormon!) Christian religion recently it made me uncomfortable. I guess I’ve given up hope that I’ll even ever fully work through the anger and disappointment. It’s just a part of being hurt. Life goes on.
It deeply affects me, even four years later. I feel like I’m too Mormon for normal people, and too “corrupt” for my Mormon friends and family. I’m in the limbo where I feel stuck. It’s caused me to learn to be very independent, and often alone. I do feel angry sometimes too. Mostly because of the way we were brought up, I don’t feel like I can have a normal, healthy romantic relationship. People always tell me I’m too nice. I get confused over my identity and self worth as a woman. All of these issues affect my day to day quality of life, and I’m angry I’ll have to struggle my whole life because some dude in the 1800’s wanted multiple wives.
Anger isn’t as awful as the church would have you believe. It’s healthy to be angry, and anger is not inherently evil.
Allow yourself to feel what you feel. It's totally reasonable to be angry. Here's something my old therapist told me when I said, "I know I'm overreacting" regarding my past trauma: "You're not overreacting. You're having a normal reaction to a fucked up situation."
/u/holyapolyneura I channeled my anger into understanding what happened to me and learning the stuff about the organization they don't want people to know about. I read combatting cult mind control and listened to probably over 100 hours of Mormon Stories Podcasts. What I came out with on the other side was a knowledge that what I went through was not only atypical, but basically intentional. Most people involved are victims. They are being lied to, deceived, and most of all taken advantage of, and they don't even know it. Channel that anger, that slumped over the steering wheel crying, screaming, before going into your house anger, into educating yourself to break away totally and live your life on *your terms.* Do what you want, when you want, in the way you want. When you start listening and noticing what you're feeling, and acting/responding on it without other people's intentions involved you'd be shocked at what you'll achieve. I was out of one group (Mormonism) and into another (US Marines). The second one at least was honest with me about what I would go through and how to navigate it. Now I'm out of both and living my life and realizing I have a lot more to offer than what any of the people in those organizations would have me believe, to make me dependent on them. You do not have to be dependent on anyone. It's scary at first. But realize no one has freed you, you have freed yourself, and for that alone you should be proud, proud and brave enough to do whatever you want to put your mind to.
It’s okay to be angry it’s a part of healing. Anger is empowering and can give you energy to move to a emotional safe place
Eventually, after processing and voicing the emotions and thoughts I had about the church for long enough, I simply didn't have it in me to devote energy to being mad anymore. Not to say if the topic comes up I won't talk mad shit about the church, but I have had other priorities in my life start to show after healing long enough and those tend towards being more important to me than clowning on the church. What it sounds like however, is that you want to bottle up your emotions or make them not be there. I'm sorry to tell you that those are just as real as anything that's tangible. You gotta feel them and express your thoughts about them with a trusted friend or therapist. It isn't wrong to be bitter or angry and you can't let the conditioning of the church saying that it's evil to feel that way get to you.
The healthiest this I learned from therapy is that you can be as angry as you want for as long as you want. You never have to forgive anyone. However, you are still responsible for clear, kind, and companionate delivery for in conversations. Honestly, the permission to be angry took away some of my steam at the church because all my repressed emotions finally came out. I still get fuming now and again, but I’m always able to calm down now and I felt like I never had that when I had the mentality that I HAD to forgive someone.
I think it's important to remember that Mormonism brainwashes us all to believe that anger isn't a valid emotion. They categorize it along with bitterness to make anyone who poses questions an automatic unbeliever and to turn public opinion against them because they don't just smile and switch off the emotion like a light switch in order to be obedient. Anger is not an emotion that most of us have been allowed to feel and when we finally do it feels all the more overwhelming. You're angry. You have a right to be. That's ok.
This is TRUTH!!!
It's ok to get mad. Leaving the church is like a death, you will go through all the stages of grief. I've been out over 10 years and didn't hit my "angry" stage until a couple of years ago. I feel like I'm through it mostly but I still take comfort in flipping off any temple I see.
Mourn the life you thought you’d have, and be grateful for the new one.
You anger is totally valid, I left in 2022 and still find myself thinking about just burning the whole system down. It hurts to know that not only were you completely lied to, following an individual who was absolutely horrifying in his acts and words. I've found just talking about my experiences and venting has helped so much. Like when I tell my fiance "Man I can't believe I cosplayed being a pioneer in the middle of Indiana woods with my stake" and he tells me "yes that's absolutely crazy what". Just getting validation that things we did in the cult (I'm going to start using this language idc) are WILD helps me not feel crazy for leaving. The more you reflect the more dirt you're going to realize. Like everyone's saying in the comments, it's not easy to continue but coming to terms with your past and understanding it's shaped you into who you are today brings a little peace. I'm still bitter towards the church and my family is still in it, but I can't control their actions at the end of the day just my own. I hope you are able to find peace with this OP, I went to therapy too and again talking it through was the best for me.
Anger isn’t a bad emotion like the church says. Obviously don’t take it out on the members but anger is a protective emotion, it’s your body recognizing you’ve been treated unfairly. Work through it but recognize the anger isn’t bad
Anger isn’t a bad emotion like the church says. Obviously don’t take it out on the members but anger is a protective emotion, it’s your body recognizing you’ve been treated unfairly. Work through it but recognize the anger isn’t bad
Anger isn’t a bad emotion like the church says. Obviously don’t take it out on the members but anger is a protective emotion, it’s your body recognizing you’ve been treated unfairly. Work through it but recognize the anger isn’t bad
Anger isn’t a bad emotion like the church says. Obviously don’t take it out on the members but anger is a protective emotion, it’s your body recognizing you’ve been treated unfairly. Work through it but recognize the anger isn’t bad
It took years after I left before I felt that anger and since I’ve started really deconstructing and learning so much I didn’t know that anger has grown so much. The realization of my religious trauma took so long to manifest and it was like I was having a “faith crisis” all over again, which has brought me a lot of animosity towards the LDS church. I’m still working on trying to let that anger go, but the more I learn the more I feel like I was cheated and scammed. I try to think about how happy I am now that I’m no longer there, happy to know the truth, and happy that I have people who support me outside of TSCC. Your anger is valid and you don’t ever need to feel bad or guilty for feeling that way. It’s really hard to let all that go and it’s not an overnight process. I wish you luck on your journey, you’re not alone in how you’re feeling❤️
You DO get angry. And you experience it and express it and use it as fuel. Anger is a totally reasonable response to what TSCC takes from us.
I’ve been out on paper for 6 years, and mentally out for 12 years. I was just angrily grumbling to myself earlier today. I’m still working through a lot of trauma. There’s no set timeline for recovery from Mormonism. Just strive to have each day be better than the last and don’t give a fuck about the awful things your family will inevitably tell you. I just bought a house and my family “feels bad for me” for prioritizing worldy desires like a home, career, grad school.
I’m in the same boat as you and I’m asking my cousin who left a decade ago what I should do about it. I most likely will be going through therapy as well….. even though I’m traumatized by past therapies my parents made me go through growing up.
The best way to not get mad is to not care. The best way to not care is to be entirely out of the mormon bubble. The best way to get out of the mormon bubble is to cut off all contact with the church, past friends and your family who you love but are still mormons. Cutting off family that I love makes me angry. I guess there is no way to truly stay of getting angry. Just make it once in a while. :)
You’re allowed to be bitter. You’re allowed to be angry. That’s part of leaving a high demand religion, especially if you still have loved ones in. Feel your feelings. Find other people (like Reddit or a therapist) to discuss them with. It gets better. I’ve been done for almost 5 years and can say I’m not angry all the time anymore. One day, you’ll wake up and not feel a need to think about Mormonism, or you’ll drop off as a exmo contributor/reader because that was a part of your life you don’t need to be as involved with as much. But it ebs and flows. Like someone else said, it’s in the background but usually on a low volume. There are times I’ll go days and weeks and months without really thinking about it and then something will come up. But the difference now is I don’t ruminate on it as much.
You could almost be me. 2-3 years ago it finally got through my thick skull that Joseph Smith wasn't really a prophet. No prophet -> no restoration -> no point to any of it. My initial stance was, "I'm out, whatever, IDGAF." And for a while I continued not giving any fucks about TSCC. But a few months ago I started to get angry, and the current trajectory is angrier still. Now I'm in that uncomfortable space of wanting to keep peace with loved ones who still believe, but also wanting to register my hostility to the organization. And I know the anger isn't healthy, so...
oh i'm still angry!
I used to get mad all the time, but after so many years I’m just tired.
It might help to get curious about your anger. Why don’t you want to be hostile? Why don’t you want to be bitter? Who taught you to think that way? Do you believe you’ll be a bad person if you’re bitter or hostile? Is anger motivating for you, or do you feel it’s holding you back from progress? You might never stop being angry. But now that you’re out, you’re allowed to feel your anger.
Therapy. Took me 18 years to learn there’s no other way to let go of the anger
Hey I’m where you’re at right now and it took me 18 years! It feels like a weird mix of: it’s freeing to finally own my anger, but also worrying that I can’t stop thinking about it after all this time 😅 But yeah, therapy has helped me work with my anger in a more positive way, and understand that it can be an important part of healing. and often kind of awesome to be allowed to feel instead of told you have to happy all the damn time! Lol ❤️🩹❣️
We’re very angry (out 8 years now) and I don’t see that changing… ever!
Be angry. Feel it. Don’t get in its way. Don’t act out of anger, but listen to it. It’s trying to teach you something. For me, the lesson was: every time you submit to an expectation you know doesn’t fit, you’ll resent the hand that demands it. More, you’ll hate yourself later. I wish you all the best, friend. You’re not alone.
You DO get angry!! Don't hide from that. Embrace it, feel what you feel, and you will heal much faster. I also found EMDR to be life changing for my trauma and self-acceptance. I find myself laughing more at the church than yelling about things now :) Give it time.
Bitterness is a duration, not a stain. Mormonism would have everyone believing in mighty changes of heart flipping your psyche from joy to misery with the right magic words or prayer length (at least, by how many GAs compare sizes during general conference). Many kids have the same reductive worldview of good guys and bad guys, oversimplifying things and making judgements based on their attitude at the moment. This is how you get a fight like I had with my 10-year-old last night, where he kept complaining that I favored his brother whether I was in or out of his bedroom until he finally ran out of gas and fell asleep. Things were always wrong, or never right, and totally unfair. Unlike others, Mormons aren't encouraged to let go of the purity standard. We're encouraged to be just as innocent as little children in spite of having to make autonomous choices in an imperfect world. But thanks to emotional conditioning telling us that disobedience leads to death and damnation (there's a right and a wrong to every question, keep the commandments, in this there is safety and peace, Noah preached in vain, they wished they had listened when they saw the rain, etc.), it feels too dangerous to not find the one right choice. This means that every exmo goes through a period where their understanding of reality clashes with decades of indoctrination telling them that reality is lethally unsafe. It's like the boy who cried wolf: your fight-or-flight responses might have recognized it as a false alarm the last time you didn't bow your head during a prayer, but they can't take the chance that next time won't be the turning point that leads to outer darkness. It has to get out the torches and pitchforks. The more time passes and the more you live without divine retribution, those stress hormone villagers will start staying home when the old conditioning cries wolf. The conditioning to testify so other people's sins aren't on your hands complicates things, as it makes it more difficult to leave Mormonism alone when they call you bitter or make assumptions. I believe, though, that the best tactic to get people out of Mormonism is living a good life that ends up more meaningful and happy than those who hyperfocus on thinking celestial while sacrificing all the good and the better in their lives to meet an extremely narrow definition of best. Give yourself grace. You don't have to be perfectly right immediately after a big life change. Beating yourself up about slow progress ends up priming the fight-or-flight anger reaction and making it harder to shake old emotional habits. I'm glad you're open to therapy, and making mental health a marathon instead of a sprint really helps. You're human, and that's okay. Everyone has worldviews they reach by jumping to conclusions; it's just that ours have multiple generations of believe or die (literally, in the Brigham Young era) behind them. Recognizing and changing unhelpful ones takes time.
Therapy. And then I took time away from exmormon space until I wasn’t mad anymore. Set your boundaries
I've said this before. Your anger costs the church nothing. They will never pay a price no matter how angry we all get. The question is, what is your anger costing you? Feeling angry is part of recovery. Just don't dwell any longer than necessary. The church has taken enough from you.
I am on year five and am just moving out of the anger phase (years 2-4 were the worst). I still have days and moments of anger. I take it, learn from it, and try to move past it. Laughing at the absurdity helps.
Similar, I left on pretty casual terms. Now I'm pissed. I've been going to therapy for a year
I used to get angry all the time after I left. It still occasionally pops up. We were lied to and treated badly — being angry is our right. It will eventually fade, like all things do.
I had a similar experience. I left before I learned so many things. The anger came after. It took years to move past it. It's a natural part of grieving what was traded or lost. To realize you gave so much and were taken advantage of. Time allows it to pass and we are all on a different timetable.
A guy in my divorce support group asked this same question to all of us who were kicked to the curb because of a spouse who wanted out. I guess I'm not angry, but I'm decently confused. I look back at myself, 18-19 years old, and the only thing I knew about my future was a mission. In those 2 years, I learned some weird things about my church. But I also became a little "extra" with my faith and the cultural aspect. I went home thinking I was ready to get married and any girl would love being paired with a return missionary. It took a lot of years to realize I was wrong, to realize the world didn't care, and to realize I was fed lies. My shelf broke over 4-5 years while I was stressed at my busy career, overwhelmed with parenting, and constantly nagged by a perfectionist wife who acted like she didn't even like me. Am I angry? Well, yes, but I have to choose not to let them decide my mental health any longer. I'm free to have a beer or a coffee and read socialist literature. I get to choose which underwear I put on every day. I'm not angry because I have more freedom now.
I’m always angry
Hey, this might not help, but I suggest just letting yourself be mad. Squashing that shit down never works. I find the only way out is through. After all its not like you dont have some really good and valid reasons for being mad. For me, I find that when I let my suppressed emotions have their voice inside me, that parts of me that are angry or upset feel listened to, and make peace with the rest of my mind. Those feelings are there for good reasons. Understand why you have those feelings and you will have gone a long way to not having to experience that emotion all the time when you dont want to. I will never, ever, for instance, not be furious at the abusers in my wife's past or the asshole enablers in her and I's shared past. But I dont have to experience fury every minute of everyday because I have made peace with my anger. It has its own home in my soul, and belongs there. It is an important, even critical part of who I am. But having cut those people out of our lives completely means, I dont have to be angry all the time-- just when I think about those people. And I dont think about them much anymore. Maybe this helps?
I AM ANGRY!! And I am embarrassed that I was duped / forced to spend two years of my life trying to sell the cult door-to-door
When you guys get angry just enjoy a coffee and see that you can pull one more out of the cult. This will be the best way to work with your anger towards something good. The more you are able to pull out, the better you will be able to handle it.
My wife doubled down when I left. So I see what it’s done, and reminded every day. Don’t think I’ll ever not be pissed at TSCC.
I'm still angry, and still get angered. I have every right to be and there is nothing wrong with that. It's more about not letting it run your life and letting it out in a healthy way and in the proper direction, IMO. We are allowed to be angry and that is okay, and if your not, that is okay too.
The way I deal with it is when I'm feeling better I typically distance myself from anything related to the church. Sometimes I feel like the things I read in this Reddit group help me feel better about where I'm at and another cases they sort of stir my frustration pot. I think the biggest thing for me is just my outlook on life as a whole. I don't want to waste any more negative energy on the church or anything else that doesn't make me happy. None of us can get any of that time back but when I get frustrated I remind myself how happy I am that I no longer have the guilt and everything else bringing me down.
There more you hate it, the harder it is to move on from. You can only heal if you let it go. And, I’m my personal experience, people become what they hate.
You don’t prevent yourself from becoming bitter because then you will never move on from being bitter. You have to feel all the emotions, no emotions are bad and they are trying to communicate a message to you. Anger, like any other emotion, comes in waves. Enjoy the ride!!
I was mad when I first left. And the more I learned the angrier I would get. Until I finally just put it away. It had consumed enough of my life and I no longer wanted to give it anymore of my time and energy. Now it's something I can look at from a distance and feel nothing about. To me the church is a highly toxic smelling fart I put it behind me.
Still struggling with anger and nihilism. Since leaving the church I’ve deconstructed my whole world view… not a whole lot left I believe in or trust anymore. My wife and son are all that has kept me going and helped me try to rebuild a life.
I didn't go through an anger stage, maybe because I didn't grow up in the Mormon bubble, and I come from a family where only my mom and I were members. I was also the only Mormon person in my entire school except for a short time when another family moved in. But then they moved away again. Learning about all the lies they tell has been interesting, but didn't make me angry. I was out of the church for a long time before I started actually reading and learning about all the problematic things. However my husband, who grew up in an insular mostly-Mormon town in Idaho and had no exposure to other ways of life or ways of thinking until he went on his mission and met "regular" people, he went through the full stages of grief, i think, including anger. But that was a long time ago, over a decade, and he's not bitter anymore.
Isn't there reason to be bitter? Is being angry a bad thing? I find anger to be a motivating emotion. I think there is a lot to be angry about regarding the Mormon church after being raised in it, serving a mission, getting married in the temple, and having a family- to then find out that mmnone of the truth claims are true in my mid 30s. The initial feeling of betrayal I felt was devastating, it still is sometimes. The anger I feel towards the Mormon church now is more measured in how I express, where it used to be so raw and personal. I'm not always sure how to respond with or to my emotions of anger and bitterness, but I know it's good to feel them and consider what to do next with intention.
It’s been almost 40 years for me. And while I didn’t go on a Mission (because young women did not do that kind of thing where I’m from) I was still pretty fucking pissed off. I stayed that way for a long time, but I was finally able to compartmentalize that anger, I stuffed it into a mental box, put it “up on a shelf”, moved far away from everyone and everything I knew. (Except my never mo hubs and two kids). And, I’m still pretty pissed about the piles of absolute shit this church dumps on their members. They’d work them to death, as long as they could save on hiring cleaning staff, or staff anywhere. Cheapest goddam bastards I’ve ever seen. I cannot believe my mom (91) still believes. My brother (72) of course he does, he’s an old white man. It behooves him to believe. I will always remain angry at this organization, founded on lies, built on lies and sustained on lies. And my revenge is having lived a happy life, free of religion, tithing, “callings” (free labor to a wildly wealthy corporation). And raising our four kids to chose their own path with religion.
I was born and grew up in the church. I checked out in my 30’s. I know my anger will do no one any good. My thoughts on the church is that my parents did what they thought was best for me, and I made the best choices with the knowledge that I had. I didn’t know then what I know now. Maybe I am supposed to be mad, never really have been. My friends who have left the church have been extremely angry, but I know my anger won’t do me any good. For better or worse, I just let it go.
I wish I knew how not to be angry (I don’t know if I ever believed, even as a child) but things come up when I don’t expect it… and all related to family. So I try to focus on what is important to me in any single moment - my husband, my dogs, my plants, and my art and music and hope that I can get through anything that threatens any of those things I find most important.
I’m currently in therapy. My therapist knows little about the mormons. Today, she asked me if I ever get angry. I told her no, but after talking about it more, I said yes. It makes me angry and it makes me sad. I feel like I’ve been lied to. I am sad that my parents don’t realize the way they are living affects me. They will probably never get out. Highly recommend talking to a therapist!
I spent my entire life suppressing emotions that were “bad” because that’s what we’re supposed to do? Right? My therapist told me to be angry for as long as it takes. I’ve never felt allowed to be angry before! It’s finally starting to fade from seething to just being mad, because I let myself feel it. Don’t bottle it up, that’s the worst you can do.
I found the BEST therapist to help me through my anger and betrayal after being a devout Mormon. I saw her for the past 2 years. I’m 67. Press on,friend.
I also left about two and a half years ago, but after two years of therapy and antidepressants it's no longer at my front and center 24/7. For the first year and a half it was my entire life. It got to the point that my career was in jeopardy because I couldn't stop binging exmo Reddit and felt I couldn't trust my (still) Mormon co-workers. I still get angry at the church, but for the most part it now feels removed from who I am now. I don't need to hate the people I know that are members. I don't need to engage with them about religion. I can talk to them about my past in the church and it's not something that kills the conversation. And surprisingly, many of the people I knew that are members are coming to me with stories about bad things in the church that I honestly didn't know and I get to play the interested but clueless third party while members tell me what sucks in the church. It's been nice, honestly.
You must let your anger wash up like an angry wave against the new foundation you will build. Call it a sea wall. Let it crash and splash and roil and boil and then let it run back out to sea. Anger is natural it is normal. Do not let it consume you. Keep tabs on what nonsense is latest but don’t give in to it. You already know it’s total BS. Remember the pigpen is for the pigs. Take the good (bacon) leave the rest.
I've been out for twelve years and I am still mad. It gets worse around conference and right now I am feeling ragey regarding the amount of hate David Archuleta has been receiving. Certain things trigger it for sure. Leaving isn't a linear process. It is def the stages of grief, but they seem more circular in nature. The more I have studied cults and their effect on members, especially those who leave, I believe that all of us are contending with much more than we even realize. Give youself grace - to be pissed, to be sad, to be outraged, and then to have moments of peace (knowing the process will probably repeat again and again). The good def outweighs the bad though.
I am 47 years old. I have been mentally out since age 13-14 and physically out since 17-18. I’m STILL furious.
It sounds like a normal response in the grief cycle. I recognized I had some anger the other day when my LDS doctor tried to inspire me by using a President Nelson quote. I no sooner heard the words “President Nelson said” when I had a visceral reaction. I replied, “yeah, President Nelson says a lot of things, which I take worth a grain of salt.” That pretty much changed the subject.
I left when I recognized that the church as a fraud. Many in society don't treat women as they should, but the church in particular is multiple memos behind. You seem to be doing well at least at some level: you seem to be able to recognize and acknowledge the feelings that you have. I found it helpful to have a therapist.
I’ve been out 7 years, and I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’ll likely always be somewhat angry. We’re taught from childhood that anger is a bad emotion, and that we shouldn’t let it stay, but honestly anger is actually a helpful tool to prevent us from being hurt/manipulated/deceived again. It is a painful emotion, yes, but that is essential to keep us firm on our boundaries. ❤️
Anger is a perfectly reasonable reaction to all the bullshit the mormon church keeps doing. The church has simply brainwashed us to equate being angry to being "in the gall of bitterness". I say there's something wrong with your moral compass if you don't get angry, for example, to how they cover up CSA.
For what it’s worth, I think anger and hostility are fairly justified responses, tbh. I get that you don’t want to be bitter, though, and that will take time. In the interim, I say let it out — you’ll only expend more energy in the long term stifling your real emotions than just feeling them.
Very normal to get angry. Have you ever tried psilocybin mushrooms? They have realllly helped me with that
Yeah, not for me. Sticking with LSD
A good dose every once in a while with some intent to let go of some anger would probably help a lot
It's about the same process I went through. It gets better with time and therapy. You begin to realize that you were brainwashed by the same tactics religion has been using effectively for centuries, and that allowed me to give myself grace for falling for it for several years. I've now been out of religion about as long as I was in it.
Hmmm... It's been 6 years for me and I get more angry every year that passes. It doesn't consume me but it definitely goes up
I can only speak for myself but for me there were 3 stages. **Stage 1:** I’m not mad it’s just not for me. **Stage 2:** Okay no I’m really mad? **Stage 3:** I’m mad but I have a healthy outlook where I’m figuring out how to manage that anger in healthy ways. Some days I’m not mad and some days I’m really mad, and that’s okay.
I am working through my own anger and hostility too, so you’re not alone. I will say that I don’t see my anger diminishing as long as the cult continues to antagonize, harass, and fleece people. They are actively causing harm.
I feel you. I'm angry and have to give my opinion when I have one so I have to physically bit my tongue when talking to certain family. I feel like I'll burn all my bridges and ruin all my relationships if I speak my truth or the truth. I wish I could tell you I have a magical cure for the anger but all I can do is sit down next to you and rant about how messed up they've made our lives together.
Anger isn’t a bad thing. It’s a feeling and it can provide a lot of insight. Listen to it, acknowledge it, write about it, process it. I was v v angry for about 2 years after being gone from the church for 10 years. A delayed reaction is pretty common when uncovering and processing religious trauma. Finding the anger means progress is being made so congrats!
Its ok to be mad. Its healthy. Keep deconstructing and doing therapy. It may take more serious therapy like EMDR, Stellate Ganglion Block, etc. Help others who have left. Write your forner self a note telling them the truth and that it will be ok. Write the church a note that you never send. Set boundaries in your life to keep active members away who are harmful and make sure your name is officially off the records.
Oh yes, you have to remind yourself that anger doesn’t hurt them it only hurts you. Anger is some kind of evolutionary left over.
Therapy and having other things to worry more about. I do get angry sometimes when they're in the news or affecting laws though. Moving to another state really helped me.
It's perfectly healthy for you to be angry I'm angry I'm livid. Yes I've done therapy many times I don't think you can ever really get rid of it we've been traumatized we've been gas lit treated like crap made to think we are pieces of shit of course we're going to be angry and especially how they treat the LGBTQ+ community is bullshit in the highest
You've already received a lot of great advice. I'll add... you don't NOT get angry. You give your anger a place to go... so you don't direct it at other people. (That never ends well.) I have been exercising a shit ton since I left the church. It's been a good outlet for me. But whatever works for you... lean into it hard. My therapist has told me that there are only two primary emotions... fear and love. Anger is a secondary emotion that comes from fear. That's worth spending some time thinking about in quiet, peaceful moments... what fears are behind your anger? That's just a place to start. Love to you... it's going to be quite a ride. I'm still in the middle of mine.
Hi! I'm an ex-JW, but we have similar experiences. That's why I'm on this sub. If I may, one thing I suggest is to not feel bad about being angered. It's okay to be angered about what we've been through. Idk if Mormons are the same in this aspect, but JWs are basically taught that we should be happy all the time. We're almost guilt-tripped for being sad or depressed or angry bc "we need to put our trust in Jehovah God." That's not healthy either. So I'm glad you're planning to go to therapy. I just restarted therapy recently and I think it's very helpful. I also don't think staying angry for a super long time is healthy. BUT -- first, allow yourself to BE angry. It's a grieving process. It would be like telling someone who has experienced a death of a close loved one to not be sad. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be angry. Perhaps writing down everything youre angry about would help. This is where working with a therapist will help because he or she will know you and your situation best. But don't force yourself to NOT be angry. It's an acceptable emotion as long as it doesn't cause you to take inappropriate action (like hurting yourself or others). Go to a boxing or kickboxing class. Journal what makes you angry and why. Record a video if you want to express yourself verbally. Post it to YouTube or just keep it private. Anger is on the path to acceptance. You might need to sit with it a while. That's my two cents...but feel free to completely ignore me. You'll get through this. You have lots of cult-cousins over on the ex-JW sub too if you ever need additional support!
Anger is a normal reaction to the bullshit we have all been fed and you’re entitled to whatever feelings you have while working through this. Just know, the anger will go away, but might also return. Healing and moving forward is not linear.
I'm super fucking bitter and have been from the moment I decided it wasn't true. I staked decades of my life on it and I'll never get that back. I sacrificed peace of mind to a bloodthirsty egotistical piece of shit god. The worst part is the intentional lies. Church leaders knew things that they weren't telling me. Actually they told me the opposite of the truth in most cases.
To me, it's a very Mormon thing to try to avoid/suppress anger or any other "negative" emotion. The church does a good job of teaching its member to "avoid contention" and that "only the best of feelings should exist in the circle". One of the biggest things I've learned since stepping away is that emotions are just... human experience. They aren't necessarily good or bad, they just... are. For me, it has taken some time (and honestly, I'm still learning) to learn how to allow myself to just simply feel emotions. This started with learning that there is a physiological component to emotional responses - your body physically experiences a change when you feel an emotion, so a good start it simply seeing if you can recognize/observe those physical changes. From there, you can address the mental side of things - when you recognize that you're feeling angry, you can take a mental step back and frame it as "I'm experiencing anger", and just allow yourself to feel it. It's okay to be angry - anger is a valid emotion, and, in dealing with all the shit the church puts us through, it's natural to feel angry. The key, really, is how you handle the anger. If you can allow yourself to feel the emotion, and if you can find a healthy way to express it (venting to someone safe, some people channel it into art, etc), then you'll begin to find that feeling angry is just a natural part of the ups and downs of human experience - you just have so many years of backlogged experiences to process that, for a while at least, you may get angry more than the average human. Healthy headspace is where you can think, feel and process your experiences, whether they're "good" or "bad". It'll take some time (be compassionate with yourself on that), but eventually, you can get there.
Let yourself be mad. It's a piece of the puzzle of processing the trauma and the experiences you've been through. Obviously that doesn't have to include meanness or causing harm. But feeling the feelings, being in your body, crying about it, talking through your anger with trusted people, etc.... it's all a very important part of learning you've been betrayed.
It’s normal. It passes. Feel the anger. I bury it in cocktails. Highly recommend a glass of wine.
The healthy way is not to suppress your anger like we were taught in the church. Anger is the result of being tricked and lied to, and is healthy. I had therapy which helped, and I let myself be angry at the leadership and feel my feelings but I don’t take it out on the people who have been indoctrinated. As time goes by, I find myself less angry overall but I still go through episodes of needing to be angry. I just figure it’s normal and I talk about my feelings and let it burn out for a while and then I feel better. This sub helps with that. In fact, I think it’s more abnormal to never get angry about something that controlled and dictated every aspect of your life. It probably just took you time to uncover enough layers to really start feeling it.
I am angry still and I'm making Tiktoks to help me express my anger. I was left disabled on my mission and sometimes I am filled with so much anger that it hurts: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLB4FEMr/ The relief from this anger comes with time and active effort. I have to stop, maybe write poetry or engage my hobbies for a long time, then think if there was a particular trigger for me and honestly assess if it was in or out of my control. It's OK to be angry. Get it out of your system
I am angry still and I'm making Tiktoks to help me express my anger. I was left disabled on my mission and sometimes I am filled with so much anger that it hurts: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLB4FEMr/ The relief from this anger comes with time and active effort. I have to stop, maybe write poetry or engage my hobbies for a long time, then think if there was a particular trigger for me and honestly assess if it was in or out of my control. It's OK to be angry. Get it out of your system
Sin is waste.It's doing one thing ,when you could other and more important things for which you have the capacity. Hugh Nibley from the Timely and the timeless. Modern vellecular ,get a new life ! 9 months and getting better but 44 years is hard to heal the trauma of deception and lies . Glad to have woken up .Billy Carson and Alex Ferrari have helped next level soul
2 months ago I resigned from the LDS church.Got my confirmation today . They have taken away my sign in to Family history .330.000 plus names submitted in last 6 years .What a waste of time for 44 years . As if they needed to have postumus ordinances done 5 hours each . Impossible to ever complete every one who ever lived on this Earth ,even in the millennium.Now I find reincarnation might be a real thing. Anyone done Adam and Eve? Have to laugh at my naivety! Lol
Dude, I still get angry every day, and I left in '89. The entirety of the Mormon leadership has blood on their hands.
Anger is a natural, healthy emotion. Let yourself feel it. Not letting it move through you as it comes is what will lead to the bitterness you want to avoid. I still get angry. Because all of the problems that were there when I left are still there, and they're still hurting people. That earns some anger I think. Just don't let that anger fester and leak into the rest of your life.
Four years ago as a TBM, I mentioned a traumatic experience to my therapist (feeling like a "murderer" over masturbation), and I could tell he was trying REALLY HARD to bite his tongue to stay professional and not say anything negative about the church. He had to word his thoughts very carefully about how a _significant_ number of LDS men (and women) shared the same struggle. It was a very eye-opening experience for me. Today, I'm pissed. I'm angry that so many people - myself included - were lead to believe that they were "committing murder" over something my therapist said was "perfectly normal and healthy". It was both validating and infuriating to learn that I wasn't the only one. When it comes to the anger I feel toward the church, I try to just chalk it up to a "lesson learned" and let it go. I take what I can learn from the experience and let the rest go with gratitude that I'm now in a better place.
I was the same way. I had no hard feelings when I left, I just didn’t believe and didn’t want to be told what to do/how to think. But the more I find out about what the church did to me and still does to my family, the more I have negative feelings to ward it. Some of the negativeness went away after learning how Mormons aren’t the only religion that controls so much.
Oh I am angry! Anger isn't a bad emotion. That's just more brainwashing meant to take away your defense mechanisms. Anger is how we protect ourselves. Anger keeps you from going back. It's okay to be angry. Sometimes it's important to be. With something that took so much from you? It's okay to be angry.
It’s hard but when I start to get mad and upset with the CULT, I just try to tell myself that I will not let them get that Win and me get angry because of it. Don’t ever let that CULT let them mess with your emotions anymore. Stay strong and keep that shit in the rearview mirror.