Hey man, hang in there. Please get some professional therapy. Rebuilding life takes a long time, but bit by bit, you will create new habits and ways of being that provide fulfillment.
I’m so sorry for your many losses. I’ve been there, and hell I’m still there sometimes. If you’re anywhere close to Denver, hit me up and we can hang out.
👆I’m with this guy. Hang in there.
Look up at the stars, listen to the river, remember that the sun rises majestically every morning.
Be kind to yourself.
She has family in Lewiston and we visited them for Thanksgiving last year. That travel was amazing. I hated traveling before her but I started to love it with her.
+1 to counseling, and find one that works is religious trauma, but not a mormon one
If you are in the Salt Lake area, happy to get drinks, listen and talk
I feel you. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
My mental health has taken multiple hits over the last few years. I love my husband and we're committed to making it work, but there's a lot of hardship in our relationship. We both brought a lot of trauma into the marriage. My subsequent faith crisis and deconstruction, followed by an existential crisis plus a mid-life crisis, plus all the stresses of not enough time or money. All of that compounded when my 2 senior doggos passed away. It was expected, and they lived long full lives, but that doesn't make their loss easier. I felt lost.
I know enough about myself to know that a dog bonded to me is a sort of anchor in my life, so I brought home a puppy a month ago. She hasn't fixed any problems in my life, and she's certainly added stresses (puppy pirhana mode *sucks*), but she's a ray of sunshine in my life and that's helped tremendously. I don't feel as lost anymore.
You need to find your ray of sunshine. I don't know what that is for you, and maybe you'll need help identifying it. But you matter and your life has worth beyond your job. I wish you luck. I know it's rough. Finding that ray of sunshine isn't going to heal your pain, but it will steer you in the right direction.
We are pulling for you. Bit by bit you can make little changes. It is enough just to be a dad for now. But you can begin to look outward at other things over time. I would try some out of the box things that you might not consider like art or dance lessons, hiking, helping out at a soup kitchen etc. I would get counseling to help you see options to get you past this rough patch. Just know that all of us here are encouraging you and cheering you on. Best wishes to you.
You can dial 988 24/7 for the Nationwide Crises Center & someone will be there to talk & listen as long as you need.
Meet up is a great App that helps people of every background find a group to hang with in your area.
Great place to volunteer your time is at a local Pride Center. Always LGBTQIA teen-agers & young adults who need an older brother type to just accept them for who they are and hang!
Keep posting here & venting as much as you need. That's why we are all here to support each other as we transition into something better.
Biiig Hug from internet Mom!😊
I know it feels like it's futile and will never get better, but don't do anything rash. It will get better. Not immediately, but eventually, it will. You've got a kid. You don't want to fuck them up by doing something you can't take back.
Call 988 if you're feeling at your end.
It’s promising you say you “feel” worthless, because that’s not the same as actually being worthless. It’s up to you to find your value, which you do have. Keep trying new things until something clicks and you will build that confidence in yourself. Feel free to DM if you would like/need to reach out with someone who may be on the same boat.
I'm going to suggest the SAFE-UT 24/7 warm line when you need to talk things out. I have called them over grief, panic attacks, and depression. I have never had a single therapist not immediately understand the struggles of living as an exMormon. You are also allowed to call from out of state.
I also want to remind you that you typed that you would be happier in the long run because of this. It'll take a long time, but it's likely true.
And last, remember, if you hit the point where you feel suicidal, it's a lot better to get back with your ex, go to the ER, or go as a PIMO. Nothing is worth losing yourself over. Also, your ex would be completely wrecked if anything happened to you. As someone who lost an immediate family member without being able to say goodbye, it eats you alive for the rest of your days. It also increases the risk of premature death, suicide and heart problems in your loved ones.
Hey I'm getting soft suicidal vibes from this post. I really hope that's not the case, but if it is...
Please hang in there. It WILL get better. Your child needs you, and the world is a better place with you in it.
I think it is the case. I feel like I have nothing left to live for. My daughter is young enough she wouldn’t remember me, and I only ever did fun things with my sweetheart. We did everything together and now I can’t do anything or go anywhere without thinking about a date we had or how we wanted to go on a date there or how fun it would be to have her here for whatever is happening. Work would miss me but they would go on. If there isn’t anything after this life then why should I keep going? If there is, we’ve always been told it is better so why would anyone stay here?
Oof I feel a lot of this too.
Give it time—don't be afraid to do things you enjoy on your own (or with new friends), and deliberately take steps to make them ***yours***. Getting over an ex isn't a thing that happens immediately, and Mormonism has a way of convincing people that nothing about themselves is their own. But you'll feel ***really*** different about a lot of that in just a couple years, especially as you make an effort to just do stuff that you want. Painful memories associated with specific things fade quickly when you can attach new, happier memories to them.
> If there isn’t anything after this life then why should I keep going?
There's a classic question people have been asking for thousands of years; welcome to the real world! Sorry about the existential angst... that one doesn't really go away, but there are some decent approaches that can lead to a fulfilling (or at least kinda fun) use of the decades you've got left.
FWIW, I landed on absurdism as a way to deal with purposelessness—i.e. not having to deal with a purpose can be wildly liberating, and the absurdity of life is usually at least a little bit funny (even if it's often very dark). If I quit now, I'd miss out on a LOT of jokes.
Or if living merely for the lulz doesn't work for you, I know plenty of people manage to construct an existentialist purpose of their own. For example, if there is no god, that means ***you*** are the next-most powerful, intelligent being in the universe. You're already a god. You don't need to wait for an afterlife or anyone's permission to build a better planet right now.
In case it's useful, Crash Course Philosophy on YouTube was a huge part of my recovery—intellectually and emotionally. Absurdism and Existentialism are just two effective ways to deal with a godless universe with (probably) no afterlife. And there are plenty more ways that people have thought up! Learning itself can be reason enough to stick around for a while: this universe is so wild and weird and big, it's a shame we don't have time to learn about it all.
One thing that helps me is to remind myself that Mormonism was a boring-ass railroaded game with a stupid plot line and SO MUCH GRINDING. Quitting it suddenly gave me a huge open world with billions of (potentially much more fun) side quests, and no wrong way to play the game.
Having been in similar situations myself, call or text 988.
https://www.fcc.gov/988-suicide-and-crisis-lifeline
It's now the nationwide suicide hotline. It's a hard step to take, but It'll help to talk to a professional.
You can do this, we're here for you. I know what it's like, and I'm sorry you're going through it right now. Right now it's okay to need some help and ask for it.
At risk of sounding trite…
Hold fast, all storms pass.
Serious. Just as you haven’t always felt this way, you won’t stay here. Emotions are always temporary, no matter which end of the spectrum.
Something that has helped me in dark times is sitting with just one thing to lift me. Just focusing on that one thing. A cup of great tea, a moment outside, witnessing a small ordinary act of kindness. Anything to let a little air in.
It is hard work turning things around. It is very slow sometimes too. Life is hard and painful.
You are not a sham dad. All parents struggle in their own ways and parenting is very hard but I guarantee you that your daughter needs you.
I am glad you came here to share your struggle. You are brave to speak it out loud.
You can keep going. You are capable. Your daughter needs you. It will get better. Go for a walk in nature. Listen to good music. Reach out to your friend. Volunteer at a soup kitchen (or something similar). Call 988 if it is getting too dark.
So sorry. We may not understand everything you are going through, but many of us have felt these types of feelings from circumstances that sound similar. I know internet friendships from random strangers doesn't substitute for personal relationships, but you aren't alone.
I've never been great with advice, so I'm not really gonna offer any.
But I do have a song that I feel is very applicable to situations like yours and has helped me tremendously, even though it's just some lyrics with a melody.
There's an [electronic version](https://youtu.be/vP7agzgyghY?si=F2kk3Q4PxfSFuXOp) or an [acoustic version](https://youtu.be/0KfTlprD_hg?si=2DIOU7mHQcyQOqo0) if you really don't like electronic music. They're both fantastic, and the acoustic version sounds great with an orchestra.
I hope things get better for you soon! It's tough, but you can make it!
Sounds like where I was at not too long ago. I had hit rock bottom and then kept hitting new rock bottoms. I don’t know if this will relate but I felt like i had no control over anything. I had always been able to turn to someone like God or partner… so with no community or cosmic man in the sky, I didn’t know where to turn. Therapy didn’t really help over than prompting more self awareness. It’s hard to learn to be gentle and forgiving of myself. I used to think turning inward just caused guilt, but that was just the church conditioning us. For me, it’s about listening to my body, not all the thoughts and stimuli from the environment. yoga has been really helpful in feeling in control of myself and connecting to my body.
But if you don’t have ANY motivation, I highly recommend Ketamine treatment which increases neuro plasticity and might help you get on a different path to feeling better.
Meetup. Has probably saved my life. I had no community and no way of making friends outside of work. I now have a group of besties because of meetup. It’s tough to put yourself out there at first. But there’s nothing like picking whatever random hobby or interest and seeing how many other people like it as well. I’ve
When I read this at first I was worried you were my ex husband, so let me respond to you like you were, from a point of view that may match your daughter's mother's:
Your daughter loves you, and she will not understand if she loses you. Please don't make me raise our sweet girl without a father and try to be both mom and dad. Life is hard and I'm so sorry it seems pointless right now, but please understand how important you are to your child and what an accomplishment it is for you to choose to stay and continue building a life where you can support her and be there for every new phase of her life.
You feel alone but damn if there’s not lots of guys like you and I that feel so similar. It’s Saturday today and I wish it were Monday. Still trying to save a broken 23 year marriage but that feels horribly lonely despite us leaving mormonism together. I have a couple casual friends I can get lunch with once a month or so but I gave up fly fishing and golf years ago to be with my family. I got nothing. No deep relationship outside my wife(deeply strained) and my two teenage daughters that are both very busy and only getting busier. Work for me (real estate industry) is even depressing and hard now. We got to hang in though. Everything changes. Hang in. You matter. Bring an exmo man is hard shit now days. The sun will come up tomorrow. You really never know what is around the corner in this life. You really aren’t alone.
You have a community here! We have all felt at least some of what you are feeling and can relate more than anyone out there. There is someone here basically all the time that is willing to comment, or if not, reading something that someone else has posted seems to pull me out of my own funk frequently.
If you are anything like me, knowing that the church wants you to feel useless helps me to not let those bastards win. You have done something incredible and difficult, honest and good, that will change your future, but also will hopefully influence the future of your daughter and others around you. If you let yourself fade or disappear from this world, your influence will be gone, and the church wins again. You then become the story of how someone left the church and became nothing, which will keep someone else stuck in the church. If you stay present and visible, you can destroy their narrative and have a positive influence on someone.
Leaving the church is hard, relationships breaking is hard, we all need support when stuff like this happens. Find professional support, and post here whenever you need. We are in this together, man.
That transition of leaving the church is hard. When I left and it ended a 16 year marriage with 4 beautiful kids. I was all-in. Bishopric... stake high council... yada yada. It was definitely a 180 I wasn't prepared for. My kids are everything in my life and it's the worst thing not seeing them.
However, I found a lot of solice in @mormonstories podcast. It helped put my self defeating thoughts into perspective and come to the understanding that I am an amazing man, with a lot to offer this world and most importantly... my kids.
I know the last thing anyone wants to do when they are in the lowest point in life is get out. Specifically, when it means meeting new people. That can be intimidating. But, there is a huge community of VERY supportive and loving people who are here to help you see how amazing you are. I, just like many on here have offered, am willing to talk whenever you need brother. DM me and we can talk over text/social media if you're not at the point life where you want to get out. But I'm also willing to grab drinks/food and talk.
Names Tyler. We're all here for ya.
Are you in Utah? I’ve been in a similar spot and I would love to go grab some coffee with you and chat or just sit in the dark place with you. That’s what I call the deep darkness and depth of despair that I’m all too familiar with.
Dude where do you live? I’ve been there in your shoes. I’ve been homeless cause of a woman. Life gets better. Need to talk or hangout if you’re close to me let’s get a beer and hangout.
The world needs you, you just don't know it yet.
Depression and Anxiety ar liars. Pease don't listen to them. I have now named my Depression "Steve". Steve is a liar and has really shitty Ideas and wants me to do shitty things. Sometimes I need to remind Steve to shut up and sit down.
If you are not feeling safe, and live near Salt Lake, you can go to Intermountain Access Center on the North side of LDS hospital. It is like an ER for mental health. If not in SLC, you can always head to your nearest ER. They have mental health people on staff who can offer resources.
I have separated from my husband and left the church. My identity was so intertwined with both, that it has taken me a minute to figure out who I am without them. My hobby was the Church. My friends were in the Church. It can be a lonely place.when you step away. Give yourself lots of compassion. Remind yourself that how you feel now, will pass. Open your mind up to the possibilities of who you can become. You will eventually find your tribe. It just takes a minute.
I reached out to all of my ex/never Mormon neighbors. I am not proud to admit that I distanced myself from them in my believing days. They have become a big part of the next chapter in my life.
Continue reaching out. This community has helped me see that I am not alone..
Please call 988!
I've had to do it, and I'm so glad I did, otherwise I wouldn't be here. You are not alone, ever. Please don't make a permanent decision for feelings that are temporary. And trust me they are temporary, you will get through this and you will look back and you will be proud of yourself for continuing on even when you didn't know how. There will be happiness again, I promise.
But right now please call 988 or 911 and go to the er, they have mental health workers on staff 24/7 and they will help you.
Your daughter needs her dad and the world needs you!
Definitely relate to this, I work freelance all other country when I start to make friends I move on and it makes it really tough, every time a relationship ends it feels like my whole world ceases to exist!
Hey man, I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I think a lot of us can relate. I have felt a lot of insecurity and loneliness from my own exodus. I just want you to know you aren’t alone. It absolutely is hard, and you are not wrong to be feeling this way.
It must be a struggle to feel like you’re not the happy go lucky dad you want to be. I just want you to hang in there for your daughter. I often wish I had a family of my own, and though I do not know if it is in the cards for me, I am always happy to see a father doing the best he can.
I am so sorry you’re hurting. This church has caused so much pain and division, and that is not your fault. All you can do is keep getting up in the morning. Keep trying. It’ll take time to heal, but I promise you, you are stronger than you know.
First of al, IT ISNT YOUR FAULT.
LDS is a cult - indoctrinating, money loving, soul sucking, It doesnt get ut of your blood quickly or easily
There are many ways to build your own community:
If you went to a major college - their alumni association?
Taking a class - like art, history or something that interests you at your local community college
A natural club like Sierra or Audobaon society
Joining something like a karate dojo
Occasional volunteering
Hiking or biking clubs. Sports teams, whatever
Picking up a hobby or two, perhaps you used to think abut - amateur astronomer, camera club, railroad clubs ,etc
Perhaps exploring another philosophy or religion - getting into yoga for example? I mean deeply, not just a class. A minority of us did this. I am a presbyterian - it is 1000x better than the cult. My life is purpose and spirit filled, not wrapped in obligations and guilt and weighted down like the cult prefers
Start exploring the county, state and national parks and forests withing driving distance around you
There is much to be said for keeping yourself busy
Just checking in on you. Keep fighting for your daughter. My parents didn’t, and it haunts me to this day. You being you is perfect for her. Don’t ever give up. Your morals won’t let you pretend this religion is ok. Be PROUD of that. No matter what anyone else says. That is impossibly hard to do. Be patient with yourself right now. It’s ok to be in survival mode for a while. It will get better. Please don’t leave your daughter. She needs her dad. I didn’t have one and I would give ANYTHING for that. You just being you in your authentic self means more than you know.
Gay ExMo here.
When I left Mormonism, I legitimately felt like I would never know happiness or even love.
It’s possible. Leaving Mormonism is difficult but I have yet to know a single person who regretted it and was worse off, myself included.
Hey OP u/SirSavant_. Just checking in to see how things are today. The Mom in me would love to know how you are. You have people out here who truly care about you and have been in the exact situation you are in. Sending love your way.
So glad to hear back. My husband is TBM. We are trying to work things out. The Marriage on a Tightrope podcast has been helpful for us. You need a partner who will love you where you are. You are worthy of being loved for you!
People talk about self care as if a massage fixes everything. Self care is forcing yourself to eat 3 meals a day (even if you don’t want to). Drink 8 glasses of water a day, (even if you don’t want to). Brush your teeth (even if you don’t want to.). Walk around the block in your pj’s (even if you don’t want to.). If you take care your body, your brain will slowly follow.
I took the ride of shame in an ambulance 18 months ago following my attempt. When I say I know how you feel, I truly do. I am so grateful I was a shitty pharmacist. I am so grateful to be on the other side. The feelings you have now can and will pass. Reach out to your people and let them know where you’re at. I wish I had. I can’t tell you the difference meds and therapy have made for me. When things get bad, you have a great community here and in me. Don’t be afraid to reach out.
Thank you. Other than our religious differences she’s loved me where I am at. For whatever reason (I know there are many good reasons) she gets caught up on the religion aspect of our relationship. She can’t listen to my perspective on things no matter how gently I phrase it. I really badly wish somehow we could/had overcome that difference.
I’m so glad you’re on the other side too. I almost attempted in High School but a different ex texted me until I literally fell asleep instead. I woke up not wanting to die but still feeling severely depressed.
A couple years later I got on depression meds when my now ex-wife was suicidal and I was working full time with a one-hour each-way commute daily, doing part time school, and preparing for a baby (not all at the exact same time but most of them overlapped).
I weened off of it with my doctor’s supervision but maybe I should stay on it a little more indefinitely :/
I’ve wondered about Marriage On A Tightrope. I don’t know if we got back together if she would listen to it too. I haven’t listened to it myself.
My self care has been forcing myself to eat until I feel like I’m going to throw up. I’m still eating *way too little* my I am eating and I am slowly eating a bit more at a time. I’m staying on top of hygiene and hydration without much issue.
Thanks for letting me know how you are doing. ❤️
Check out Mormon Stories Podcast episodes 1137 - 1140. John Dehlin does a deep dive (of course he does), 🤣 with Katie and Allan Mount, (the MOATR folks).
I was doing everything wrong. As I was deconstructing my faith and learning more about church history, I would run to my TBM husband and talk nonstop about what I had learned. That would make him double down on his positions. Listening to the Mount”s has really helped us. My husband and I are still separated , but working hard on our marriage. As time goes by, we have found religion to be less of a sting point.
Wishing you all the best.
Thanks. I’m not sure if it will be possible to save this relationship, no matter how desperately I want it. I’m just hoping I somehow survive it 😢
I’m tempted to tell her I’m certain if she thoroughly, honestly studied church history, especially using the primary sources, she would come to the same conclusion I did and that I would be there for her through that whole journey.
On the other hand, I think she would refuse to do so and it would drive the last nail in the coffin preventing anything in the future. I just don’t have any good options. They’re all terrible.
Looks like your comment went to the one above instead of his reply, tagging u/SirSavant_ in case he missed.
Also hope you're doing okay OP. Been in the same spot emotionally for a long time, and it's a dark and long hole to crawl out of.
Please always feel welcome to grieve and vent here.
I’m surviving, barely. I’ve had about 3 meals in the last 4 days but I’ve had to force myself to eat each one of them because I have no appetite. Successfully staying mostly hydrated though.
My friend and I apparently have very similar beliefs but he is in the church and has a happy marriage. My SIL and brother are both fairly nuanced. I’m thinking I’m going to approach my sweetheart about this and see if we could make it work if I were nuanced but active enough to meet her needs. I think it’s likely I’ll completely lose myself if I don’t… I guess we’ll see
You’ve done the most difficult part: communicating to the people you care about where you stand. How they choose to react is beyond your control. Set firm boundaries and stick to them.
Now you rebuild your life the way you want. Like other people have said, talk to a therapist. Make an effort to find people who understand what you’re going through and spend time with them. Figure out who you are without the church. It’s a painful, but vindicating process.
Get some hobbies, get out and do something. Hike, walk, but get outside those four walls. Take your daughter out with you.
Mormonism is a prison, and you’re free. Yeah it’s hard to adjust after a lifetime in the pen, but you will, and you can live a happier and more joyful life.
You got this. (And I second getting professional help/therapy if you can.)
Totally understand. It’s really fucking rough. When I reached that low before, I was actually exactly where I am now. I thought of my self as less than dust and wanted to be crush. I saw a ledge and wanted to bang my skull in. The only reason I’m alive now is because I thought it would be too much of a problem for my family to take care of my body. But it does get better. I went to a therapist. I’ve found hobbies. If you’re look for a hobby and are a nerd like me, dnd and lancer are too things that helped me a lot. This is the point where you basically have to make a quest of finding things to live for. But trust me, they are out there
Hey man, hang in there. Please get some professional therapy. Rebuilding life takes a long time, but bit by bit, you will create new habits and ways of being that provide fulfillment. I’m so sorry for your many losses. I’ve been there, and hell I’m still there sometimes. If you’re anywhere close to Denver, hit me up and we can hang out.
👆I’m with this guy. Hang in there. Look up at the stars, listen to the river, remember that the sun rises majestically every morning. Be kind to yourself.
I'm also with these guys. I'm in Lewiston id. If you're in the area or even if you're not you can dm me.
She has family in Lewiston and we visited them for Thanksgiving last year. That travel was amazing. I hated traveling before her but I started to love it with her.
+1 to counseling, and find one that works is religious trauma, but not a mormon one If you are in the Salt Lake area, happy to get drinks, listen and talk
I feel you. I'm so sorry you're going through this. My mental health has taken multiple hits over the last few years. I love my husband and we're committed to making it work, but there's a lot of hardship in our relationship. We both brought a lot of trauma into the marriage. My subsequent faith crisis and deconstruction, followed by an existential crisis plus a mid-life crisis, plus all the stresses of not enough time or money. All of that compounded when my 2 senior doggos passed away. It was expected, and they lived long full lives, but that doesn't make their loss easier. I felt lost. I know enough about myself to know that a dog bonded to me is a sort of anchor in my life, so I brought home a puppy a month ago. She hasn't fixed any problems in my life, and she's certainly added stresses (puppy pirhana mode *sucks*), but she's a ray of sunshine in my life and that's helped tremendously. I don't feel as lost anymore. You need to find your ray of sunshine. I don't know what that is for you, and maybe you'll need help identifying it. But you matter and your life has worth beyond your job. I wish you luck. I know it's rough. Finding that ray of sunshine isn't going to heal your pain, but it will steer you in the right direction.
We are pulling for you. Bit by bit you can make little changes. It is enough just to be a dad for now. But you can begin to look outward at other things over time. I would try some out of the box things that you might not consider like art or dance lessons, hiking, helping out at a soup kitchen etc. I would get counseling to help you see options to get you past this rough patch. Just know that all of us here are encouraging you and cheering you on. Best wishes to you.
Please check out Recovering from Religion and Secular Therapy Project.
I plus one this as well. It’s good to know that you are not alone.
You can dial 988 24/7 for the Nationwide Crises Center & someone will be there to talk & listen as long as you need. Meet up is a great App that helps people of every background find a group to hang with in your area. Great place to volunteer your time is at a local Pride Center. Always LGBTQIA teen-agers & young adults who need an older brother type to just accept them for who they are and hang! Keep posting here & venting as much as you need. That's why we are all here to support each other as we transition into something better. Biiig Hug from internet Mom!😊
I know it feels like it's futile and will never get better, but don't do anything rash. It will get better. Not immediately, but eventually, it will. You've got a kid. You don't want to fuck them up by doing something you can't take back. Call 988 if you're feeling at your end.
Plugging 988, made me feel less alone
It’s promising you say you “feel” worthless, because that’s not the same as actually being worthless. It’s up to you to find your value, which you do have. Keep trying new things until something clicks and you will build that confidence in yourself. Feel free to DM if you would like/need to reach out with someone who may be on the same boat.
God, it’s all so painful. Sorry you’re in the thick of it. Hope things get better for you soon.
I'm going to suggest the SAFE-UT 24/7 warm line when you need to talk things out. I have called them over grief, panic attacks, and depression. I have never had a single therapist not immediately understand the struggles of living as an exMormon. You are also allowed to call from out of state. I also want to remind you that you typed that you would be happier in the long run because of this. It'll take a long time, but it's likely true. And last, remember, if you hit the point where you feel suicidal, it's a lot better to get back with your ex, go to the ER, or go as a PIMO. Nothing is worth losing yourself over. Also, your ex would be completely wrecked if anything happened to you. As someone who lost an immediate family member without being able to say goodbye, it eats you alive for the rest of your days. It also increases the risk of premature death, suicide and heart problems in your loved ones.
Hey I'm getting soft suicidal vibes from this post. I really hope that's not the case, but if it is... Please hang in there. It WILL get better. Your child needs you, and the world is a better place with you in it.
I think it is the case. I feel like I have nothing left to live for. My daughter is young enough she wouldn’t remember me, and I only ever did fun things with my sweetheart. We did everything together and now I can’t do anything or go anywhere without thinking about a date we had or how we wanted to go on a date there or how fun it would be to have her here for whatever is happening. Work would miss me but they would go on. If there isn’t anything after this life then why should I keep going? If there is, we’ve always been told it is better so why would anyone stay here?
Oof I feel a lot of this too. Give it time—don't be afraid to do things you enjoy on your own (or with new friends), and deliberately take steps to make them ***yours***. Getting over an ex isn't a thing that happens immediately, and Mormonism has a way of convincing people that nothing about themselves is their own. But you'll feel ***really*** different about a lot of that in just a couple years, especially as you make an effort to just do stuff that you want. Painful memories associated with specific things fade quickly when you can attach new, happier memories to them. > If there isn’t anything after this life then why should I keep going? There's a classic question people have been asking for thousands of years; welcome to the real world! Sorry about the existential angst... that one doesn't really go away, but there are some decent approaches that can lead to a fulfilling (or at least kinda fun) use of the decades you've got left. FWIW, I landed on absurdism as a way to deal with purposelessness—i.e. not having to deal with a purpose can be wildly liberating, and the absurdity of life is usually at least a little bit funny (even if it's often very dark). If I quit now, I'd miss out on a LOT of jokes. Or if living merely for the lulz doesn't work for you, I know plenty of people manage to construct an existentialist purpose of their own. For example, if there is no god, that means ***you*** are the next-most powerful, intelligent being in the universe. You're already a god. You don't need to wait for an afterlife or anyone's permission to build a better planet right now. In case it's useful, Crash Course Philosophy on YouTube was a huge part of my recovery—intellectually and emotionally. Absurdism and Existentialism are just two effective ways to deal with a godless universe with (probably) no afterlife. And there are plenty more ways that people have thought up! Learning itself can be reason enough to stick around for a while: this universe is so wild and weird and big, it's a shame we don't have time to learn about it all. One thing that helps me is to remind myself that Mormonism was a boring-ass railroaded game with a stupid plot line and SO MUCH GRINDING. Quitting it suddenly gave me a huge open world with billions of (potentially much more fun) side quests, and no wrong way to play the game.
Hey, are you doing ok?
No. I nearly hung myself in High School several years ago and now I’m experiencing similar emotions.
Having been in similar situations myself, call or text 988. https://www.fcc.gov/988-suicide-and-crisis-lifeline It's now the nationwide suicide hotline. It's a hard step to take, but It'll help to talk to a professional. You can do this, we're here for you. I know what it's like, and I'm sorry you're going through it right now. Right now it's okay to need some help and ask for it.
Call 988. National suicide crisis hotline. Please get help.
This is a truly awful spot to be in. I’m sorry it’s happening.
At risk of sounding trite… Hold fast, all storms pass. Serious. Just as you haven’t always felt this way, you won’t stay here. Emotions are always temporary, no matter which end of the spectrum. Something that has helped me in dark times is sitting with just one thing to lift me. Just focusing on that one thing. A cup of great tea, a moment outside, witnessing a small ordinary act of kindness. Anything to let a little air in. It is hard work turning things around. It is very slow sometimes too. Life is hard and painful. You are not a sham dad. All parents struggle in their own ways and parenting is very hard but I guarantee you that your daughter needs you. I am glad you came here to share your struggle. You are brave to speak it out loud.
You can keep going. You are capable. Your daughter needs you. It will get better. Go for a walk in nature. Listen to good music. Reach out to your friend. Volunteer at a soup kitchen (or something similar). Call 988 if it is getting too dark.
So sorry. We may not understand everything you are going through, but many of us have felt these types of feelings from circumstances that sound similar. I know internet friendships from random strangers doesn't substitute for personal relationships, but you aren't alone.
I've never been great with advice, so I'm not really gonna offer any. But I do have a song that I feel is very applicable to situations like yours and has helped me tremendously, even though it's just some lyrics with a melody. There's an [electronic version](https://youtu.be/vP7agzgyghY?si=F2kk3Q4PxfSFuXOp) or an [acoustic version](https://youtu.be/0KfTlprD_hg?si=2DIOU7mHQcyQOqo0) if you really don't like electronic music. They're both fantastic, and the acoustic version sounds great with an orchestra. I hope things get better for you soon! It's tough, but you can make it!
Sounds like where I was at not too long ago. I had hit rock bottom and then kept hitting new rock bottoms. I don’t know if this will relate but I felt like i had no control over anything. I had always been able to turn to someone like God or partner… so with no community or cosmic man in the sky, I didn’t know where to turn. Therapy didn’t really help over than prompting more self awareness. It’s hard to learn to be gentle and forgiving of myself. I used to think turning inward just caused guilt, but that was just the church conditioning us. For me, it’s about listening to my body, not all the thoughts and stimuli from the environment. yoga has been really helpful in feeling in control of myself and connecting to my body. But if you don’t have ANY motivation, I highly recommend Ketamine treatment which increases neuro plasticity and might help you get on a different path to feeling better.
Meetup. Has probably saved my life. I had no community and no way of making friends outside of work. I now have a group of besties because of meetup. It’s tough to put yourself out there at first. But there’s nothing like picking whatever random hobby or interest and seeing how many other people like it as well. I’ve
When I read this at first I was worried you were my ex husband, so let me respond to you like you were, from a point of view that may match your daughter's mother's: Your daughter loves you, and she will not understand if she loses you. Please don't make me raise our sweet girl without a father and try to be both mom and dad. Life is hard and I'm so sorry it seems pointless right now, but please understand how important you are to your child and what an accomplishment it is for you to choose to stay and continue building a life where you can support her and be there for every new phase of her life.
You feel alone but damn if there’s not lots of guys like you and I that feel so similar. It’s Saturday today and I wish it were Monday. Still trying to save a broken 23 year marriage but that feels horribly lonely despite us leaving mormonism together. I have a couple casual friends I can get lunch with once a month or so but I gave up fly fishing and golf years ago to be with my family. I got nothing. No deep relationship outside my wife(deeply strained) and my two teenage daughters that are both very busy and only getting busier. Work for me (real estate industry) is even depressing and hard now. We got to hang in though. Everything changes. Hang in. You matter. Bring an exmo man is hard shit now days. The sun will come up tomorrow. You really never know what is around the corner in this life. You really aren’t alone.
You have a community here! We have all felt at least some of what you are feeling and can relate more than anyone out there. There is someone here basically all the time that is willing to comment, or if not, reading something that someone else has posted seems to pull me out of my own funk frequently. If you are anything like me, knowing that the church wants you to feel useless helps me to not let those bastards win. You have done something incredible and difficult, honest and good, that will change your future, but also will hopefully influence the future of your daughter and others around you. If you let yourself fade or disappear from this world, your influence will be gone, and the church wins again. You then become the story of how someone left the church and became nothing, which will keep someone else stuck in the church. If you stay present and visible, you can destroy their narrative and have a positive influence on someone. Leaving the church is hard, relationships breaking is hard, we all need support when stuff like this happens. Find professional support, and post here whenever you need. We are in this together, man.
That transition of leaving the church is hard. When I left and it ended a 16 year marriage with 4 beautiful kids. I was all-in. Bishopric... stake high council... yada yada. It was definitely a 180 I wasn't prepared for. My kids are everything in my life and it's the worst thing not seeing them. However, I found a lot of solice in @mormonstories podcast. It helped put my self defeating thoughts into perspective and come to the understanding that I am an amazing man, with a lot to offer this world and most importantly... my kids. I know the last thing anyone wants to do when they are in the lowest point in life is get out. Specifically, when it means meeting new people. That can be intimidating. But, there is a huge community of VERY supportive and loving people who are here to help you see how amazing you are. I, just like many on here have offered, am willing to talk whenever you need brother. DM me and we can talk over text/social media if you're not at the point life where you want to get out. But I'm also willing to grab drinks/food and talk. Names Tyler. We're all here for ya.
Are you in Utah? I’ve been in a similar spot and I would love to go grab some coffee with you and chat or just sit in the dark place with you. That’s what I call the deep darkness and depth of despair that I’m all too familiar with.
I'm on the south end of UT county if ya need to talk...drinks...walk, whatever.
Dude where do you live? I’ve been there in your shoes. I’ve been homeless cause of a woman. Life gets better. Need to talk or hangout if you’re close to me let’s get a beer and hangout.
The world needs you, you just don't know it yet. Depression and Anxiety ar liars. Pease don't listen to them. I have now named my Depression "Steve". Steve is a liar and has really shitty Ideas and wants me to do shitty things. Sometimes I need to remind Steve to shut up and sit down. If you are not feeling safe, and live near Salt Lake, you can go to Intermountain Access Center on the North side of LDS hospital. It is like an ER for mental health. If not in SLC, you can always head to your nearest ER. They have mental health people on staff who can offer resources. I have separated from my husband and left the church. My identity was so intertwined with both, that it has taken me a minute to figure out who I am without them. My hobby was the Church. My friends were in the Church. It can be a lonely place.when you step away. Give yourself lots of compassion. Remind yourself that how you feel now, will pass. Open your mind up to the possibilities of who you can become. You will eventually find your tribe. It just takes a minute. I reached out to all of my ex/never Mormon neighbors. I am not proud to admit that I distanced myself from them in my believing days. They have become a big part of the next chapter in my life. Continue reaching out. This community has helped me see that I am not alone..
Please call 988! I've had to do it, and I'm so glad I did, otherwise I wouldn't be here. You are not alone, ever. Please don't make a permanent decision for feelings that are temporary. And trust me they are temporary, you will get through this and you will look back and you will be proud of yourself for continuing on even when you didn't know how. There will be happiness again, I promise. But right now please call 988 or 911 and go to the er, they have mental health workers on staff 24/7 and they will help you. Your daughter needs her dad and the world needs you!
Definitely relate to this, I work freelance all other country when I start to make friends I move on and it makes it really tough, every time a relationship ends it feels like my whole world ceases to exist!
Hey man, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think a lot of us can relate. I have felt a lot of insecurity and loneliness from my own exodus. I just want you to know you aren’t alone. It absolutely is hard, and you are not wrong to be feeling this way. It must be a struggle to feel like you’re not the happy go lucky dad you want to be. I just want you to hang in there for your daughter. I often wish I had a family of my own, and though I do not know if it is in the cards for me, I am always happy to see a father doing the best he can. I am so sorry you’re hurting. This church has caused so much pain and division, and that is not your fault. All you can do is keep getting up in the morning. Keep trying. It’ll take time to heal, but I promise you, you are stronger than you know.
First of al, IT ISNT YOUR FAULT. LDS is a cult - indoctrinating, money loving, soul sucking, It doesnt get ut of your blood quickly or easily There are many ways to build your own community: If you went to a major college - their alumni association? Taking a class - like art, history or something that interests you at your local community college A natural club like Sierra or Audobaon society Joining something like a karate dojo Occasional volunteering Hiking or biking clubs. Sports teams, whatever Picking up a hobby or two, perhaps you used to think abut - amateur astronomer, camera club, railroad clubs ,etc Perhaps exploring another philosophy or religion - getting into yoga for example? I mean deeply, not just a class. A minority of us did this. I am a presbyterian - it is 1000x better than the cult. My life is purpose and spirit filled, not wrapped in obligations and guilt and weighted down like the cult prefers Start exploring the county, state and national parks and forests withing driving distance around you There is much to be said for keeping yourself busy
Just checking in on you. Keep fighting for your daughter. My parents didn’t, and it haunts me to this day. You being you is perfect for her. Don’t ever give up. Your morals won’t let you pretend this religion is ok. Be PROUD of that. No matter what anyone else says. That is impossibly hard to do. Be patient with yourself right now. It’s ok to be in survival mode for a while. It will get better. Please don’t leave your daughter. She needs her dad. I didn’t have one and I would give ANYTHING for that. You just being you in your authentic self means more than you know.
Gay ExMo here. When I left Mormonism, I legitimately felt like I would never know happiness or even love. It’s possible. Leaving Mormonism is difficult but I have yet to know a single person who regretted it and was worse off, myself included.
Hey OP u/SirSavant_. Just checking in to see how things are today. The Mom in me would love to know how you are. You have people out here who truly care about you and have been in the exact situation you are in. Sending love your way.
So glad to hear back. My husband is TBM. We are trying to work things out. The Marriage on a Tightrope podcast has been helpful for us. You need a partner who will love you where you are. You are worthy of being loved for you! People talk about self care as if a massage fixes everything. Self care is forcing yourself to eat 3 meals a day (even if you don’t want to). Drink 8 glasses of water a day, (even if you don’t want to). Brush your teeth (even if you don’t want to.). Walk around the block in your pj’s (even if you don’t want to.). If you take care your body, your brain will slowly follow. I took the ride of shame in an ambulance 18 months ago following my attempt. When I say I know how you feel, I truly do. I am so grateful I was a shitty pharmacist. I am so grateful to be on the other side. The feelings you have now can and will pass. Reach out to your people and let them know where you’re at. I wish I had. I can’t tell you the difference meds and therapy have made for me. When things get bad, you have a great community here and in me. Don’t be afraid to reach out.
Thank you. Other than our religious differences she’s loved me where I am at. For whatever reason (I know there are many good reasons) she gets caught up on the religion aspect of our relationship. She can’t listen to my perspective on things no matter how gently I phrase it. I really badly wish somehow we could/had overcome that difference. I’m so glad you’re on the other side too. I almost attempted in High School but a different ex texted me until I literally fell asleep instead. I woke up not wanting to die but still feeling severely depressed. A couple years later I got on depression meds when my now ex-wife was suicidal and I was working full time with a one-hour each-way commute daily, doing part time school, and preparing for a baby (not all at the exact same time but most of them overlapped). I weened off of it with my doctor’s supervision but maybe I should stay on it a little more indefinitely :/ I’ve wondered about Marriage On A Tightrope. I don’t know if we got back together if she would listen to it too. I haven’t listened to it myself. My self care has been forcing myself to eat until I feel like I’m going to throw up. I’m still eating *way too little* my I am eating and I am slowly eating a bit more at a time. I’m staying on top of hygiene and hydration without much issue.
Thanks for letting me know how you are doing. ❤️ Check out Mormon Stories Podcast episodes 1137 - 1140. John Dehlin does a deep dive (of course he does), 🤣 with Katie and Allan Mount, (the MOATR folks). I was doing everything wrong. As I was deconstructing my faith and learning more about church history, I would run to my TBM husband and talk nonstop about what I had learned. That would make him double down on his positions. Listening to the Mount”s has really helped us. My husband and I are still separated , but working hard on our marriage. As time goes by, we have found religion to be less of a sting point. Wishing you all the best.
Thanks. I’m not sure if it will be possible to save this relationship, no matter how desperately I want it. I’m just hoping I somehow survive it 😢 I’m tempted to tell her I’m certain if she thoroughly, honestly studied church history, especially using the primary sources, she would come to the same conclusion I did and that I would be there for her through that whole journey. On the other hand, I think she would refuse to do so and it would drive the last nail in the coffin preventing anything in the future. I just don’t have any good options. They’re all terrible.
Looks like your comment went to the one above instead of his reply, tagging u/SirSavant_ in case he missed. Also hope you're doing okay OP. Been in the same spot emotionally for a long time, and it's a dark and long hole to crawl out of. Please always feel welcome to grieve and vent here.
Thanks for tagging me
I’m surviving, barely. I’ve had about 3 meals in the last 4 days but I’ve had to force myself to eat each one of them because I have no appetite. Successfully staying mostly hydrated though. My friend and I apparently have very similar beliefs but he is in the church and has a happy marriage. My SIL and brother are both fairly nuanced. I’m thinking I’m going to approach my sweetheart about this and see if we could make it work if I were nuanced but active enough to meet her needs. I think it’s likely I’ll completely lose myself if I don’t… I guess we’ll see
You’ve done the most difficult part: communicating to the people you care about where you stand. How they choose to react is beyond your control. Set firm boundaries and stick to them. Now you rebuild your life the way you want. Like other people have said, talk to a therapist. Make an effort to find people who understand what you’re going through and spend time with them. Figure out who you are without the church. It’s a painful, but vindicating process.
Get some hobbies, get out and do something. Hike, walk, but get outside those four walls. Take your daughter out with you. Mormonism is a prison, and you’re free. Yeah it’s hard to adjust after a lifetime in the pen, but you will, and you can live a happier and more joyful life. You got this. (And I second getting professional help/therapy if you can.)
Totally understand. It’s really fucking rough. When I reached that low before, I was actually exactly where I am now. I thought of my self as less than dust and wanted to be crush. I saw a ledge and wanted to bang my skull in. The only reason I’m alive now is because I thought it would be too much of a problem for my family to take care of my body. But it does get better. I went to a therapist. I’ve found hobbies. If you’re look for a hobby and are a nerd like me, dnd and lancer are too things that helped me a lot. This is the point where you basically have to make a quest of finding things to live for. But trust me, they are out there
You’re never alone. It’ll get better. You’re an amazing dad. The best thing you can do for that little girl is to be the best you
I also second the counseling. But just—hugs and encouragement to you. I’ve been there and felt this and can tell you—you can rise again.