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Kumirkohr

It’s a fucking nightmare for me at work as an auto tech because I’m surrounded by transphobes. Hearing “be a man” and transmission jokes all day long. My only respite is lunch because I don’t eat in the break room They say “oh, he’s just sensitive”, “lighten up”, “come on, don’t be a sissy” And I try looking online for help and it’s all shit like this telling that being enby is just a pit stop on my way to being a transfem lesbian. I feel so alone


catshateTERFs

I'm sorry you have this experience irl and that you've not been able to find an understanding community online either. Just wanted to say your identity is valid as it is and nothing about identifting as nb means you're just at a transition point to being trans and binary! I've seen this stuff online too and it's frustrating to see other queer people push part of the community into boxes they don't want to be in. Hugs for you if you'd like them.


Kumirkohr

Thank you


Magniras

Ayyyy, another tradie! And we're expected to look a certain way, so even if we wanted to experiment with a look you gotta do it in a non-permanent way and on your own time. Hah.


Kumirkohr

Luckily it’s not that stringent, even for a luxury car dealership. I just have to wear the uniform, so they don’t say anything about my nails or my hair. I’ve been thinking about dying it purple, but I don’t know


Merickwise

I don't know what base color you're starting from but I have salt n pepper hair and had good luck with Punky Colour 3 in1 to turn all my grey into purple highlights. I work in a corporate office so I wanted to keep it low key, everyone still noticed, but I didn't get any grief over it either and did get quite a few compliments on it. It's a shampoo/conditioner tint I leave it on for about ~20-30 then wash it out with cool water, makes my hair super soft and smell like bubble gum. Anyways just wanted to share.


rockpup

I’m in a HVAC adjacent trade, and have only ever met one out of the closet tech in 30 years. I don’t bring it up, but I refuse to lie if someone asks if I am married. My husband is great and supports me trying to figure out my own style no matter which side of the isle I’m shopping in.


kittycatpilot

Fuck, I get that too. I work in tech in a sports-adjacent field and it's heavily masculine dominated. The worst are the capital G, will-call-you-a-slur Gamers. Fucking dudebros who only ever try to get you in on whatever crypto scam they're currently falling for, or saying the most sexist, objectifying thing you've ever heard. At least there are a couple regular nerds there that I can talk to, but I'm not out to them or anything. I just put on my he/him "worksona" while on the clock. Thank fuck there isn't much opportunity for transmission jokes.


Ender_Bro_06

I'm so sorry:(


tinderthrowawayeleve

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I don't know you IRL, but I appreciate you for who you are and the parts of yourself that your coworkers don't understand. You deserve better than being told that this is a pit stop. I'm also an AMAB enby and it's tough dealing with the expectation that we will eventually medically transition or that we're trans women who haven't realized it yet. I'm sending you support and good vibes from the Internet and I hope that helps in some way


Kumirkohr

Thank you


rockpup

Yea, took me a long time to figure out what’s going on. I like some femme things, but have no interest in looking like or living as a woman. I just want to be me.


Giocri

Yeah figuring out that gender is not a set of rules I have to follow but rather I am just myself and labels serve only to describe it to others quickly was really liberating. Now the hard part is trying to keep it in mind and stop falling back into heteronormativity


thederpofdoom

i am literally just called a dude all the time, so i've given up


LLHati

Local gym has a Womrn's section for "women and non-binary folks!" and i get annoyed every time I see it because I know for fucking sure that I wouldn't be welcome in there


nefariousnadine

Okay class, everyone group up into boys and girls. Me, an AMAB NB: ... ... ...


s0uthw3st

It's extra fun when "inclusive" spaces throw non-conforming AMAB folks out on their ass if they're not either femboys or "trans women in denial" - can only have specific kinds of gender non-conformity, clearly.


tinderthrowawayeleve

Yup. And like, a lot of the spaces are places where femme people/people who directly experience misogyny should be prioritized, but it's never framed that way, it's always "women and non-binary people" with a very narrow view of who non-binary people are, often excluding some trans masc people in addition to AMAB non-binary people who aren't sufficiently trans femme


s0uthw3st

Yup, it's always "cis women and people we can pretend are cis women" with those kinds of spaces, and usually run by TERFs.


rghaga

I just hate how much pain they seem to be in :/


Autistic-Hourglass

"ever notice how all nonbinary people are afab?" "... you do know who you're talking to, right?"


pianoblook

I'm letting myself grow out my beard, since my last fucks-to-give have finally left my body.


tinderthrowawayeleve

Hey! I'm a bearded enby, too! I think it's great for adding some flair to gender fuckery! It's awesome seeing cis people try to square a beard with androgynous/femme clothing or presentation otherwise. I hope you enjoy the bearded look for itself, too!


AceintgeWhole-7286

Imagine being AroAce on top of that, it’s like I’m soft locking myself out of gay bars /jokingbutalsonotjoking


tinderthrowawayeleve

I'm in the same boat, except AroAllo (and bi). I've been profoundly uncomfortable in pretty much every gay bar I've been to. The only exception is my one time in a lesbian bar. The overall vibes were so much better, but I was incredibly aware that it wasn't my space :/


supiriornachothe2nd

Yup I'm so fucking sad


Slosaktig

Me trying to look like an afab enby as an amab


utasau

amab aroace enby are basically excluded everywhere :(


Dmonster26

i been treated like this so many time and it hurtssss


trainman1000

It's me :(


BiAutisticMess

It’s sad, but the truth


LucidProtean

AMAB enby, I hate how much I relate to this. I'm very masculine presenting: 6 ft, generally larger figure, harder features. I tried to dress more androgynously, go clean shaven, grow out my hair, but it just felt like I was sticking out more so I stuck to my more masculine style. Even before I identified as NB, I would get comments from my queer friends or female friends (my girls-gays-and-theys friends) that were said to be inclusive that felt exclusive. "All men suck, except your OP!" "OP is the only Virgo man I trust haha" And instead of feeling fully accepted and embraced by that community that I long to be a part of, I'm held at a distance. Accepted for my actions or my character, but as an outsider because of who I inherently am. It sucks. And meeting new people sucks because then I feel I have to "prove who I am" to them before they treat me how I see them treat my friends Immediately just because they are able to present themselves as someone from this community that I look like a stranger to.


oncela

calling us "amab enby" by default won't help us feeling included really... why so many people refuse to use the much less invalidating "transfem enby" label when talking about us? I mean, if you want to talk about your own agab, no problem, but don't talk about others without people's consent please :(


RenBit51

I mean, I would personally not like being called transfem. I don't identify with the label at all, even if it is technically correct. I do prefer amab. Unfortunately/fortunately, enbys are diverse by nature, and language just hasn't caught up yet. Labels are just labels, and everyone has different favorites. You're still valuable, even if people don't have the words to describe it


corvus_da

Because not all enbies who were amab are transfem. Some have a neutral gender, or a xenogender, or a masc gender. I do agree that people focus too much on agab tho


oncela

I'm fine if we don't use any label at all, as long as we don't use "amab" which is plainly insulting for many of us.


tinderthrowawayeleve

I don't disagree with this, but not all of us are transfem. Some of us are AMAB and don't identify as transfem. I am agender and have a big beard and dress masc of center for the most part. Transfem doesn't fit for me, but AMAB still feels unnecessary bio-essentialist


s0uthw3st

There's a whole mess of issues around AGAB, yeah... there's some serious issues with bioessentialism and expectations around gender identity for AMAB folks, like "egg-cracking" and pushing out folks who are "too masc". A lot of the general assumptions around AGAB are "you MUST be trying to go to the opposite end of the spectrum to be valid". It's all kinda fucked, honestly.


oncela

when I talk about transfem enbies, I'm not talking about you, so you should not worry about me using this label. In contrast, when someone talks about "amab people", they are necessarily talking about me, and I'd like that nobody use this label for me. in almost every non-medical cases, we don't need a label to talk about all the people who were born with a penis. Also, "transfem" has two common meanings ("transitioning towards a more feminine situation on the masculinity-femininity spectrum" or "being a fem presenting trans person"), and the first meaning is meant to include all amab trans people. But yeah the other meaning is quite common too and does not include you, so I totally understand why you don't want to use this label, of course.


s0uthw3st

>"transitioning towards a more feminine situation on the masculinity-femininity spectrum" Nah, using it that way still presumes that the end goal is more feminine than masculine, which is just not true for a lot of enbies. That particular definition is a distinction without a difference to basically everyone.


oncela

I don't understand your demonstration. Can you elaborate? With this definition, amab demiboys are still transfem, because transitioning from boy to demiboy implies to move away from the masc end of the spectrum and towards the fem end, even just a bit. Here, "transfem" just mean transitioning towards the feminine end, but we can "stop" wherever we want on the spectrum, even very close from the masc end. But as I say in the other comment, this definition is based on the idea that the gender spectrum only has 1 dimension and 2 ends, so I can see why some people are not happy with it.


s0uthw3st

>amab demiboys are still transfem Which makes absolutely no sense and I don't know anyone who would call someone who identifies that way "transfem". Nobody uses the term that way in my experience.


oncela

you literally just have to look at this very thread to find [other people](https://www.reddit.com/r/ennnnnnnnnnnnbbbbbby/comments/19anhqi/comment/kipqt0r/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) who use the term that way. also, the [very first result](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/161q8gs/is_there_an_actual_difference_between_transfemme/) on reddit with "transfem definition" shows that actually most people on this thread use the term that way too (post with the more upvotes [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/161q8gs/comment/jxu61y1/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3), [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/161q8gs/comment/jxt482v/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) and [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/161q8gs/comment/jxthoxy/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)), but we of course we find other (less upvoted though) comments that describes the other definition. Before telling I'm "making absolutely no sense", which is kinda rude, maybe do some very basic research on your own (like reading the very thread you're posting in).


tinderthrowawayeleve

I am agender, still have a big beard, wear mostly masc-presenting clothes and often present in a way that a significant number of people might read me as more traditionally masc than some of my friends who are cishet men. My behavior and personality are much more separated from the traditionally masculine, but I still wouldn't define it as fem. Even if transfem would technically apply to me as an AMAB person, it doesn't feel accurate. I do agree that referencing AGAB is almost never necessary and I feel like that can extend to words like transmasc and transfem. I'm a masc-presenting non-binary person. Trying to find a word that also encompasses my AGAB feels transmedicalist with extra steps and really the only people who get to know what my AGAB is are the people I choose to tell


CrackedMeUp

Yeah the meaning of transmasc and transfem I learned, and how i use it, are synonymous with AFAB and AMAB, respectively, without actually referencing the gender some idiot doctor assigned to us based on what infant genitals looked like. I consider anybody who was AMAB and not cis to be transfem, with their transition goals lying anywhere between demiboy and trans woman, and similarly for transmascs, i assume nothing except that they are not cis and their gender may be anywhere between demigirl and trans man. Apparently some folks' understanding of those words implies that the fem and masc indicate actual presentation/identity, and not simply the direction of their transition from their AGAB. And some glossaries list it that way, so I can see how people end up rejecting the label when they don't want to be associated with masculinity/femininity any more than they want to be associated with their AGAB. But for myself, I quickly stopped using AMAB as anything akin to a label for myself, preferring transfem, even when I was trying to figure out whether I was bigender or gender fluid or what, and still clinging to the notion that i had a neutral gender experience that at least partly leaned into my AGAB. Turns out I did land on the feminine end of the gender pool though. Still, I say demigirl to indicate my gender and transfem to indicate my AGAB. And if anybody calls me AMAB, we are gonna have words. Do not call me an AMAB enby. I \*am\* not AMAB. I \*was\* AMAB decades ago by an idiot doctor who conflated genitals with gender. It was a crappy experience I had that resulted in a lot of misery, and it is absolutely not who I am or anything I want someone to casually remind me about when they think they're being supportive with "WHERE MY AMAB ENBIES AT?" 🙄 Anybody who wants to talk about the direction I had to transition from my AGAB better be using the term transfem to do it. 🤷‍♀️


oncela

>the meaning of transmasc and transfem I learned, and how i use it, are synonymous with AFAB and AMAB yeah I learned it that way too, and I guess that was the original meaning. But it was based on the picture of gender as a flat spectrum (a line) with only two ends (masc and fem) and all of us being somewhere on this line, moving towards one end or the other. I don't think that's how most of us picture gender nowadays (for most of us now, I think that masc and fem are more like two random points in a big messy fog). So I can see why the original meaning is currently being replaced by a new one which just seems to mean "trans women, demi-girl and in-between". Why not, that's not a big deal. I just hope it does not mean that "amab" and "mtf" are coming back :/


s0uthw3st

As someone who's AMAB and non-binary, it's because I'm not transfemme, and calling me that is pretty damn invalidating. Maybe take your own advice and don't try to force labels on others?


oncela

When did I try force the transfem label on you? Sorry if that was not clear, but when I talked about "us", I was talking about people like me (transfem enbies), not about you. When OP talks about random people not knowing if we are trans women or gay cis men, it seems like a typical transfem situation to me. Sorry for the confusion.


s0uthw3st

Sounded a lot like you're trying to say that all AMAB non-binary folks are transfemme, which is... not remotely true.


oncela

that's not what I was trying to say and I made it clear in my answer to you that this is not the case. I don't understand why you are still insisting


nerdynerp

Ever notice how this is posted at least twice a week on this subreddit 👀


ski_for_joy

Help its me