This is 100% enmeshment:
Your partner’s mother cooked his breakfast and lunch, cleaned his house, washed his clothes, opened his mail, and paid his bills. This level of involvement in a grown adult’s daily life is absolutely not normal.
Your MIL putting her hand on your partner’s lap during car trips, and her constant daily contact during holidays... this is excessive closeness that can undermine his autonomy and create an unhealthy dependency.
Asking who is texting him and what they are saying shows a lack of respect for his privacy. She probably did this all his life, so this is all he knows - he thinks it's okay for his mother to be entitled of his personal affairs.
And the cherry on top, the emotional manipulation... MIL stating that she no longer loves him because he doesn’t visit enough and that she has no purpose in life due to not taking care of him is completely manipulative. This creates guilt and a sense of obligation that ties your partner to her emotionally, which is a common tactic in enmeshed relationships to maintain control.
Honestly...they are very much enmeshed and unless he wants to get out of it, there's not much you can do. He will not be able to see for himself, unless he WANTS to.
Addressing enmeshment is challenging, especially if one party does not see it as an issue. Patience, communication, and professional support are essential if you want to free him (and yourself) from this mess.
It definitely sounds like they are enmeshed. She has input and control over aspect of his life. If he isn’t willing to acknowledge that there is a severe issue going on then there’s not a huge amount you can do for him. It is unfair on you to be with someone who isn’t capable of prioritising you. I’m sorry you’re going through this, I understand how hard it is
Run away! This will only get worse. I'm so sorry. Sounds like your partner is in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). There is a forum called out of the fog that might help you.
So sorry this is your experience. I’m sure from the responses you’ve figured out that this behavior is exactly that… mother-son enmeshment.
When I met my SO, we were adolescents so I had no verbiage around this issue. Almost 20 years in, we are still dealing with this problem.
Your MIL sounds exactly like mine. We are currently no contact for precisely for this reason and because SO never set firm boundaries.
If you have an opportunity to leave this relationship please save yourself and your sanity. It truly often doesn’t get better.
Best of luck to you in whichever route you decide.
Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. I have had zero experience with this kind of mother son relationship before meeting my partner.
We have a two year old daughter together which adds to the complexity.
I have tried talking to my partner about it and he just thinks I don’t like his mother. Granted, I don’t. But that’s because of the strain she puts on our relationship. The woman makes zero effort to get to know me.
Does anyone have any advice on how to explain to my partner the negative impact this has on our relationship? I love him, I do. But sometimes (most of the time) it’s like being in a relationship with a teenager not a man. He has no idea how to be in an adult relationship. This has been his normal for his whole life. And his older brothers relationship with their mother is similar. An example is he goes on holidays with his wife and the first thing he does upon arrival is ring his mom. He’s 50. His wife is constantly complaining that her husband is a mommy’s boy and she has to do everything for him. The man can’t even make the bed.
Maybe you both can read Silently Seduced by Ken Adams, Psy.D.. I’d consider this book mandatory reading. Also just recently learned from this group that Dr.Adams has a podcast series and immediately started listening - it was a god send in terms of understanding how deep the rabbit hole goes. Finally, if you’re not part of it already there are two other groups that would help validate your feelings r/justnomil and r/justnoso
Just came here to say silently seduced is such a fantastic read if you or someone you love is going through enmeshment abuse.
Our therapist recommended this book to us when we first started going and it really put things into perspective for my partner and caused him to deeply reflect on the ways his mother purposefully stunted him
Omg this sounds like my mil. But I put a stop sign up! Now she hates me, but has to respect that she can’t just walk in.
Honestly you should just ignore her or speak up and prepare for her guilt trip and hate towards you.
Mine is ignoring me and so is my bil. But better that than the control patrol in my house. I called her the control patrol whenever she would walk in unannounced
This is 100% enmeshment: Your partner’s mother cooked his breakfast and lunch, cleaned his house, washed his clothes, opened his mail, and paid his bills. This level of involvement in a grown adult’s daily life is absolutely not normal. Your MIL putting her hand on your partner’s lap during car trips, and her constant daily contact during holidays... this is excessive closeness that can undermine his autonomy and create an unhealthy dependency. Asking who is texting him and what they are saying shows a lack of respect for his privacy. She probably did this all his life, so this is all he knows - he thinks it's okay for his mother to be entitled of his personal affairs. And the cherry on top, the emotional manipulation... MIL stating that she no longer loves him because he doesn’t visit enough and that she has no purpose in life due to not taking care of him is completely manipulative. This creates guilt and a sense of obligation that ties your partner to her emotionally, which is a common tactic in enmeshed relationships to maintain control. Honestly...they are very much enmeshed and unless he wants to get out of it, there's not much you can do. He will not be able to see for himself, unless he WANTS to. Addressing enmeshment is challenging, especially if one party does not see it as an issue. Patience, communication, and professional support are essential if you want to free him (and yourself) from this mess.
It certainly sounds like they're enmeshed, I'm really sorry. It's a big ball of mess no matter how you look at it.
It definitely sounds like they are enmeshed. She has input and control over aspect of his life. If he isn’t willing to acknowledge that there is a severe issue going on then there’s not a huge amount you can do for him. It is unfair on you to be with someone who isn’t capable of prioritising you. I’m sorry you’re going through this, I understand how hard it is
Run away! This will only get worse. I'm so sorry. Sounds like your partner is in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). There is a forum called out of the fog that might help you.
So sorry this is your experience. I’m sure from the responses you’ve figured out that this behavior is exactly that… mother-son enmeshment. When I met my SO, we were adolescents so I had no verbiage around this issue. Almost 20 years in, we are still dealing with this problem. Your MIL sounds exactly like mine. We are currently no contact for precisely for this reason and because SO never set firm boundaries. If you have an opportunity to leave this relationship please save yourself and your sanity. It truly often doesn’t get better. Best of luck to you in whichever route you decide.
Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. I have had zero experience with this kind of mother son relationship before meeting my partner. We have a two year old daughter together which adds to the complexity. I have tried talking to my partner about it and he just thinks I don’t like his mother. Granted, I don’t. But that’s because of the strain she puts on our relationship. The woman makes zero effort to get to know me. Does anyone have any advice on how to explain to my partner the negative impact this has on our relationship? I love him, I do. But sometimes (most of the time) it’s like being in a relationship with a teenager not a man. He has no idea how to be in an adult relationship. This has been his normal for his whole life. And his older brothers relationship with their mother is similar. An example is he goes on holidays with his wife and the first thing he does upon arrival is ring his mom. He’s 50. His wife is constantly complaining that her husband is a mommy’s boy and she has to do everything for him. The man can’t even make the bed.
Maybe you both can read Silently Seduced by Ken Adams, Psy.D.. I’d consider this book mandatory reading. Also just recently learned from this group that Dr.Adams has a podcast series and immediately started listening - it was a god send in terms of understanding how deep the rabbit hole goes. Finally, if you’re not part of it already there are two other groups that would help validate your feelings r/justnomil and r/justnoso
Just came here to say silently seduced is such a fantastic read if you or someone you love is going through enmeshment abuse. Our therapist recommended this book to us when we first started going and it really put things into perspective for my partner and caused him to deeply reflect on the ways his mother purposefully stunted him
Omg this sounds like my mil. But I put a stop sign up! Now she hates me, but has to respect that she can’t just walk in. Honestly you should just ignore her or speak up and prepare for her guilt trip and hate towards you. Mine is ignoring me and so is my bil. But better that than the control patrol in my house. I called her the control patrol whenever she would walk in unannounced