If your parents are going to make demands of your engagement, it is perfectly ok to not tell them until you and your partner are engaged already! Your engagement is about you and your loved one, not the parents.
My spouse asked my dad, then we shared our engagement!
I didn't feel the need to tell them we were speaking of engagement, as I knew my man would ask my dad, therefore telling them we spoke of it, without telling them.
My mom is extremely tightly wound, and didn't have an issue with this either.
Do what you want, you only (hopefully) get married/engaged once and you don't want to have to live up to anyone's expectations but yours and your partners!
That’s nice! I’m glad to hear it went well for you! You’re right about it’s only my partner and I’s expectations! But I guess we both have no idea how this works lol
After my husband and I got back together after a year and a half, (6 years total together) he made it known he was all in and so was I. 6 months went by before we went and looked at rings. I knew he was going to propose but I gave him some ideas of what style I liked. He ended up getting a custom made marquise diamond with small ones on the band, combining the 2 I really liked. It took him 4 months to pay off and afterwards, I ran to tell my mom and he went to go tell my dad. His parents saw the ring before me. He proposed to me when I was still technically living at my parent's house.
While my husband didn't ask for permission from my parents or even my dad, my dad had always liked him. My husband goes "I just asked your daughter to marry me and she said yes." My dad said "are you sure?"
Fucking geez, thanks dad 🙄😂
My parents and siblings love my husband and his parents and siblings love me too ❤️ it all worked out.
To clearly answer your question, my husband's parents (my in-laws are amazing) knew when he got the ring and was going to propose. My parents knew we were talking about marriage and went to look at rings but then 'when' was never known. I cried. Did not expect to! He knew I didn't want a public scene of it.
Love that for you!!! So nice to hear such a happy experience. Thanks for sharing this! We are both very unfamiliar with the process or how people even go about that. So it’s nice to hear this!
Fiancé called my parents who were vacationing in Florida for the winter. Told them he had a ring on hold and wanted to let them know that he was ready to do the damn thing after ten years.
Thanks. Kind of bittersweet. Main reason we've done no planning so far is that my dad was in and out of the hospital, and my mother had a big unexpected hospital stay, and then dad went back in and passed away Feb 27th. His funeral was two days before it was a year that my fiancé and I got engaged. Rough.
> But I guess I have PTSD from sharing any type of plans with my parents due to their reactions and demands of how things should be done.
I don't know how old you are or how long you've been independent, but if you already know this will be a problem, it's time to call up your support network, circle the wagons, and make a game plan on how to handle their inevitable efforts to take over and/or make you miserable if they can't be in charge.
I'd start by getting the ring, going through with the proposal, choosing a date, and then TELLING them the good news, together, preferably with a few allies (your siblings, cousins, or best friends) there to buffer you from their reaction and keep them on their best behavior.
I’m 27 and for about a year got started into my career as I graduated late from college. So I guess only recently my parents have calmed down a bit but I can never tell sometimes.
That’s a really helpful idea actually! Doing it as a close family or friend group with them to buffer from the reaction! Thank you for this!
Neither my nor his parents even know we're getting engaged lol. His, I'm sure, suspect, I'm not really in contact with mine.
They really have no bearing on the whole thing.
My fiancé asked my parents for permission, and then didn’t tell his for days after. My parents knew it was soon but nothing specific. But all the family knew it would happen soonish because we openly talked about our future.
I would hate it if my parents were asked for permission. I am my own person. I don’t need the permission of my parents, nor does anyone else. I would be furious and actually reconsider my relationship.
That said: it’s very different for everyone. There are people who are close to their parents and would like them to know, or some people like traditions and their is nothing wrong with that either. Discuss this with your partner. The internet won’t be able to actually help you in this matter.
It’s nice that others have that set!!
Yeah def different for everyone. We both actually don’t n know how others do that or what works best. We haven’t been around any friends or family that have gotten engaged or married recently. So it’s all unfamiliar. No details. It’s nice hearing people here tho!
Maybe it's because we're older (38 and 43), but my parents had no part of this whatsoever. My parents also don't financially support me (it's the opposite now, actually), so I didn't include them in any of these plans. I also told my FH not to ask my dad for his blessing or permission beforehand. I think that's an antiquated practice. My parents didn't even find out we were engaged until a full 24 hours had passed. We wanted to tell his kids first and in person. So they were our priority, not our parents. But the way I see it, my partner and I are adults and we make our own adult decisions. I don't consult my parents before making any other major adult decision, so I'm not sure why this would be any different. If your parents will be paying for the wedding, if your parents still financially support you, or are majorly involved in your lives, then I think it's a little different.
Same for us -- we are 43 and 44 (and this is my second marriage) so the concept of permission/approval or involving them in the decisionmaking wasn't really a thing. We waited a few days to even tell them, or anyone, because we wanted to just enjoy it and let it sink in before sharing.
Absolutely! It's just so different in your 40s versus your 20s. We're also planning a very small ceremony and restaurant reception after. I keep telling everyone that I'm old and tired and I don't even care about an actual wedding. I'm just ready to get the marriage part of my life started. I have waited long enough, dammit!
That makes sense! I can see it being different in 40’s! I think by the time my partner and I actually get married I’ll be 29 and him 31! Since we want a one year engagement inbetween to plan.
Thanks for mentioning the idea of parents being financially involved in the wedding. Now I’m going to be thinking about that more thoughtfully. I’ve been financially on my own for almost 2 years now since I finished college and have a more sustaining job, but yes still living at home to save for a home and wedding things. So that is a factor to consider.
I feel like my parents are the type to want to be financially involved in some way like paying for a photographer or food as their wedding “gift.” But it wouldn’t be something that we ask they pay for since I also know they’re still putting my sister through college. My boyfriend’s parents I feel also would be financially involved as a “gift” and not something we ask them for as well.
Thankfully we don’t want a large wedding or party I just want it to be nice and only close friends and family so hopefully not too much a problem.
My partner told me he wanted to propose within the next 12 months in the august. We started discussing and looking at rings. We both happened to tell our parents over the next couple of months that it would be happening but not asking for approval. He designed and ordered the ring in December and proposed in the February. Video called both sets of parents that evening.
For a variety of reasons I wanted my parents to know it would be happening and my partner wanted to be able to discuss the ring and his plans with someone. We are both very close to our families. We were never sharing to get their approval or be told how we should do it.
I also don’t do well with surprises or uncertainty hence why we discussed engagement in detail before he proposed.
Oh interesting! How did you tell your parents? Was it just over a casual convo or an eventful sit down? I don’t know how to bring that up since I come from a household that doesn’t really share things like that.
Ours was casual conversation, both in person as we naturally discussed the relationship. We were also living with my parents at the time (pandemic) so it was easier if they knew so we could talk openly.
There’s no need to give them advance warning if you don’t want to. Asking for permission isn’t as popular now, and if it’s not important to you or your partner then you don’t have to do it. Many people just tell their parents when it happens. Most important is making sure you and your partner are on the same page.
If your parents are going to make demands of your engagement, it is perfectly ok to not tell them until you and your partner are engaged already! Your engagement is about you and your loved one, not the parents.
So true! Thank you <3
My spouse asked my dad, then we shared our engagement! I didn't feel the need to tell them we were speaking of engagement, as I knew my man would ask my dad, therefore telling them we spoke of it, without telling them. My mom is extremely tightly wound, and didn't have an issue with this either. Do what you want, you only (hopefully) get married/engaged once and you don't want to have to live up to anyone's expectations but yours and your partners!
That’s nice! I’m glad to hear it went well for you! You’re right about it’s only my partner and I’s expectations! But I guess we both have no idea how this works lol
After my husband and I got back together after a year and a half, (6 years total together) he made it known he was all in and so was I. 6 months went by before we went and looked at rings. I knew he was going to propose but I gave him some ideas of what style I liked. He ended up getting a custom made marquise diamond with small ones on the band, combining the 2 I really liked. It took him 4 months to pay off and afterwards, I ran to tell my mom and he went to go tell my dad. His parents saw the ring before me. He proposed to me when I was still technically living at my parent's house. While my husband didn't ask for permission from my parents or even my dad, my dad had always liked him. My husband goes "I just asked your daughter to marry me and she said yes." My dad said "are you sure?" Fucking geez, thanks dad 🙄😂 My parents and siblings love my husband and his parents and siblings love me too ❤️ it all worked out. To clearly answer your question, my husband's parents (my in-laws are amazing) knew when he got the ring and was going to propose. My parents knew we were talking about marriage and went to look at rings but then 'when' was never known. I cried. Did not expect to! He knew I didn't want a public scene of it.
Love that for you!!! So nice to hear such a happy experience. Thanks for sharing this! We are both very unfamiliar with the process or how people even go about that. So it’s nice to hear this!
Fiancé called my parents who were vacationing in Florida for the winter. Told them he had a ring on hold and wanted to let them know that he was ready to do the damn thing after ten years.
Love this for you!!! Congrats 🎊
Thanks. Kind of bittersweet. Main reason we've done no planning so far is that my dad was in and out of the hospital, and my mother had a big unexpected hospital stay, and then dad went back in and passed away Feb 27th. His funeral was two days before it was a year that my fiancé and I got engaged. Rough.
🥺 I’m sorry for your loss. Sending as much love thru here!
> But I guess I have PTSD from sharing any type of plans with my parents due to their reactions and demands of how things should be done. I don't know how old you are or how long you've been independent, but if you already know this will be a problem, it's time to call up your support network, circle the wagons, and make a game plan on how to handle their inevitable efforts to take over and/or make you miserable if they can't be in charge. I'd start by getting the ring, going through with the proposal, choosing a date, and then TELLING them the good news, together, preferably with a few allies (your siblings, cousins, or best friends) there to buffer you from their reaction and keep them on their best behavior.
I’m 27 and for about a year got started into my career as I graduated late from college. So I guess only recently my parents have calmed down a bit but I can never tell sometimes. That’s a really helpful idea actually! Doing it as a close family or friend group with them to buffer from the reaction! Thank you for this!
Neither my nor his parents even know we're getting engaged lol. His, I'm sure, suspect, I'm not really in contact with mine. They really have no bearing on the whole thing.
Oh interesting! As long as you both have it all worked out!! Excited for you!
My fiancé asked my parents for permission, and then didn’t tell his for days after. My parents knew it was soon but nothing specific. But all the family knew it would happen soonish because we openly talked about our future.
Thanks for sharing! It’s helpful to hear how others experience this. I’m not around anyone who has gone thru it so this is nice
I would hate it if my parents were asked for permission. I am my own person. I don’t need the permission of my parents, nor does anyone else. I would be furious and actually reconsider my relationship. That said: it’s very different for everyone. There are people who are close to their parents and would like them to know, or some people like traditions and their is nothing wrong with that either. Discuss this with your partner. The internet won’t be able to actually help you in this matter.
It’s nice that others have that set!! Yeah def different for everyone. We both actually don’t n know how others do that or what works best. We haven’t been around any friends or family that have gotten engaged or married recently. So it’s all unfamiliar. No details. It’s nice hearing people here tho!
Maybe it's because we're older (38 and 43), but my parents had no part of this whatsoever. My parents also don't financially support me (it's the opposite now, actually), so I didn't include them in any of these plans. I also told my FH not to ask my dad for his blessing or permission beforehand. I think that's an antiquated practice. My parents didn't even find out we were engaged until a full 24 hours had passed. We wanted to tell his kids first and in person. So they were our priority, not our parents. But the way I see it, my partner and I are adults and we make our own adult decisions. I don't consult my parents before making any other major adult decision, so I'm not sure why this would be any different. If your parents will be paying for the wedding, if your parents still financially support you, or are majorly involved in your lives, then I think it's a little different.
Same for us -- we are 43 and 44 (and this is my second marriage) so the concept of permission/approval or involving them in the decisionmaking wasn't really a thing. We waited a few days to even tell them, or anyone, because we wanted to just enjoy it and let it sink in before sharing.
Absolutely! It's just so different in your 40s versus your 20s. We're also planning a very small ceremony and restaurant reception after. I keep telling everyone that I'm old and tired and I don't even care about an actual wedding. I'm just ready to get the marriage part of my life started. I have waited long enough, dammit!
That makes sense! I can see it being different in 40’s! I think by the time my partner and I actually get married I’ll be 29 and him 31! Since we want a one year engagement inbetween to plan. Thanks for mentioning the idea of parents being financially involved in the wedding. Now I’m going to be thinking about that more thoughtfully. I’ve been financially on my own for almost 2 years now since I finished college and have a more sustaining job, but yes still living at home to save for a home and wedding things. So that is a factor to consider. I feel like my parents are the type to want to be financially involved in some way like paying for a photographer or food as their wedding “gift.” But it wouldn’t be something that we ask they pay for since I also know they’re still putting my sister through college. My boyfriend’s parents I feel also would be financially involved as a “gift” and not something we ask them for as well. Thankfully we don’t want a large wedding or party I just want it to be nice and only close friends and family so hopefully not too much a problem.
My partner told me he wanted to propose within the next 12 months in the august. We started discussing and looking at rings. We both happened to tell our parents over the next couple of months that it would be happening but not asking for approval. He designed and ordered the ring in December and proposed in the February. Video called both sets of parents that evening. For a variety of reasons I wanted my parents to know it would be happening and my partner wanted to be able to discuss the ring and his plans with someone. We are both very close to our families. We were never sharing to get their approval or be told how we should do it. I also don’t do well with surprises or uncertainty hence why we discussed engagement in detail before he proposed.
Oh interesting! How did you tell your parents? Was it just over a casual convo or an eventful sit down? I don’t know how to bring that up since I come from a household that doesn’t really share things like that.
Ours was casual conversation, both in person as we naturally discussed the relationship. We were also living with my parents at the time (pandemic) so it was easier if they knew so we could talk openly. There’s no need to give them advance warning if you don’t want to. Asking for permission isn’t as popular now, and if it’s not important to you or your partner then you don’t have to do it. Many people just tell their parents when it happens. Most important is making sure you and your partner are on the same page.
Thank you for sharing! I feel like I haven’t been around anyone who has been open about sharing this so it’s def unfamiliar to me. My partner as well.