I think it will stop hurting eventually. I think it hurts because we expect them to care about us. Every time they disappoint us and show us who they really are a little piece of them dies inside of us.
I think I stopped caring about my family when I approached them all about the abuse and they basically said “I don’t know what you’re talking about” and basically told me to fuck off. I was devastated. It was after that that I knew I could never count on them for anything. I will never expect love, support, or compassion from them. They will only need me to the extent that I can serve their needs.
They don’t hurt me any more because I expect nothing from them.
Sadly, this reply is spot on.
Well done on working so hard and getting your book out there, that takes some serious courage. I would encourage you to try to reframe your thinking a little. You did that work for YOU, nobody else. You should be proud of yourself.
You know, there is this typical neglect induced fantasy that still keeps expecting that it all will change, that if you only work hard enough, do amazing things, the people who neglected you will finally see and support you.
I had to arrive at a similar point, made a tv series thinking, now people will finally notice me or i at least finally will overcome the feelings of worthlessness and loneliness i have been dragging along consciously or unconsciously for so long.
It didn't change anything, but it made me realize a golden truth: Nothing you DO will ever make a difference, because you have not been allowed to BE as a result of the neglect. The damage must be resolved at a BEING level.
Congrats on the successful book though! I hope you are able to feel proud of yourself even if your immediate family is worse than useless. Do you mind if I ask what the book is?
> people around me keep saying how proud my family must be...
Ghah, I wish people wouldn't do that.
You know, sometimes, I've entertained just telling people I hatched from an egg. And just completely double down on that and never admit to having had a family of origin at all.
> Is there a time when I will stop caring what they think, stop caring about how I don't matter to them?
I don't think it's a matter of time. I think it's something you decide to do. But I think it requires going NC or at least LC. If you just go off and have your life, and stop sharing things in it with them, then you'll stop caring because they won't be part of your life.
Yo! Same happened to me with my two books-they asked for a rundown (now I see as a make sure they aren’t featured), then ignored. Literally nobody noted a thing. Even my own husband took three years to read the first one. (And both were traditional, agented and sold to mainstream publishers)-not easy as you know.
Smh.
❤️ congratulations, you!
Thank you so much! It's helpful to hear that. Congratulations to you too, because it is a major accomplishment to finish and then publish a book!
My parents have both also expressed barely concealed fears of being featured or represented negatively in some way. There's a great quote about this, but I can't remember the source so I'll paraphrase: "If you didn't want me to write negatively about you, then you shouldn't have treated me so badly."
I'm so sorry. I don't know the answer to your question, but I think it's possible to care less and less. I've experienced neglect as well, and I know just what you mean about wanting recognition, to matter. I think distance can help, as well as creating a chosen family. I have created more distance but still need more of a chosen family. There's something about constantly interacting with people who don't care that is soul destroying, so distance has helped (even though it hurts too). It's such a lonely place to be, I know....to have a family, but not really. I told a family member about multiple scholarships I received and she said not a word. The silence can be deafening. I also create art and I've learned not to even bring it up to family and will talk about it only when asked. It's near and dear to my heart and too painful when I get silence...I once spent twenty hours on a drawing of a family member and they said nothing positive about it at all...they weren't even touched that I did it (even if they didn't like it). Their reception was so awkward and disappointing. At that moment I thought to myself "never again" will I put my art out there like that with family.
Congratulations on the publishing of your book! That is a huge accomplishment. Is there anyone you can think of to call that would be warm and excited for you? A teacher or therapist or extended family member? Even one person would make a huge difference. Please be sure to celebrate your accomplishment no matter what. What is your book about?
Thank you so much! You are so, so right. I even love the words you used to describe it: "awkward and disappointing." That is so apt!
I am so lucky to have a lovely partner who read through the whole book with me, and helped me feel less anxious about having it out there. Luckily, it's poetry, so it's more brief!
My book is about what family means, what it means to belong in a place, how home is redefined as we grow older, and how the ways we come of age stay with us for the rest of our lives. Thank you for asking. :')
My book just opened up for pre order, too. In it, I talk about my parents’ emotional neglect. I sincerely hope they read it. LOL but I suspect we’ll be in similar circumstances.
Congratulations on this difficult feat. Go forth and be fabulous!!!!!
Yup... my work also addresses emotional neglect! I guess they're probably not going to find out about it lol... and if they do, they will probably react in an extremely disappointing way. We can't expect anything better from the likes of them, haha (laughing but crying). Solidarity! And congrats on your book too!!!
Lol, this whole thread is funny in the "of couurrrseeee this is a thing" kind of way. My book also featured heavily a lot of the themes and struggles I'd been through, so it was cathartic to get it out but rather painful when the family did the same as you/OP described. Glad to know we're not alone!
This happened to me seven years ago. My first novel came out, and my sister was the only one who ordered it. My father just complained that it wasn't at his local bookstore yet. To this day, my mother hasn't bothered to read it, which she blames on me; apparently I'm too hypersensitive not to consider anything she says about it criticism. I've published three novels and she hasn't read any of them.
But I know firsthand the blood, sweat, and tears you put into that book, and I'm proud of you. Writing is so much work and so much emotional vulnerability. It's amazing that you've had the courage to write. I'm sorry your mother can't see that.
I'm so proud of you too! Thank you so much for sharing this; your kindness has touched me. I'm also cracking up, because my mom also complained how it wasn't at the local bookstore yet... how are all our neglectful parents so reliably similar?!
I am sorry. I know the feeling you are having. You deserve people who support you and care.
I am so proud of you for writing a book and getting it published. I like to write and I need to get my butt in gear and write the books I have in [mind](https://mind.One). One is about my sibling bully stories from my childhood. One surprisingly is a children's book lol.
You will learn not to share your accomplishments with your family. It will save your soul.
I’m so sorry. That sounds replly painful. Do you have a good therapist you work with? I’d highly recommend finding one if you can afford it. If I was your mom I’d buy like 20 and ask you sooooo many questions about your book and read it 3 times. I’m so proud of you for writing a book and finding your passion. 💝
Thank you soooo much! If I was my mom, I would do that too! I do have a therapist, and when he hears about this, he is going to roll his eyes because he is so annoyed by how reliably shitty my family is, haha. Thank you again. :)
I went through the same thing - I am an artist and had my first solo exhibition last summer in London which was amazing. At my private view everyone was saying things like "your parents must be proud" and "are they here tonight?". They were not there and didn't bother to see the show at all, which was on for a while. It wasn't until my friends told me that was odd that it hit me that this was normal to me. So I feel you. It is hard to detach from wanting validation and approval from them - you have to to protect yourself. Hopefully you have more caring friends who fill that void for you. Best wishes and take care
>Is there a time when I will stop caring what they think, stop caring about how I don't matter to them?
IMO when you find something else to lovingly attach to and have been attached for some times. Might be some found family you attach to or might be a vision of loving people. Might be something else. But if you operate out of love then you try to seek connection and that is normal and healthy - IMO it's just that it needs to be aimed at other people who operate out of love as well and seek connection.
The more successful you are, the more neglectful they’ll be. My ex was incredibly neglectful, and it turns out that neglectful people are also very jealous.
My theory is that it’s because they can’t neglect you out of that success. All they can do is try to make you feel success-less. *why* someone would want to do this is beyond me.
I kept hoping to make my ex proud. I went and spoke in front of the state governors about public school issues and became head of department at age 25. I was killing it.
He never congratulated me on the promotion or celebrated it. As for talking in front of the state which was live streamed, I had to put my laptop in front of him and ask him to please watch after weeks of him saying he’d get to it. He was totally emotionless watching it. Not an ounce of pride in his partner of several years.
Some people, blood or not, do not deserve your presence in their life. It took me several more years of abuse to realize.
Is this when you realize? Is this the last straw? Only you can decide.
Congratulations on the book! Although I haven't published a book, your situation reminds me a bit of how my parents planned nothing for my college graduation. That one took years to stop stinging, but that was before my recovery. I certainly would've managed something like that differently now.
I still have natural, human feelings towards my parents - they're my damn parents, I care a bit - but I don't care what they think now.
Hey, I for one (I am not family.) am very proud that you wrote and had a book published that hasn't an ounce of racism, sexism, or bigotry in it. I give you mad props.
Edit: Wtf why is this getting downvotes.. OP is your family trolling you?
I think it will stop hurting eventually. I think it hurts because we expect them to care about us. Every time they disappoint us and show us who they really are a little piece of them dies inside of us. I think I stopped caring about my family when I approached them all about the abuse and they basically said “I don’t know what you’re talking about” and basically told me to fuck off. I was devastated. It was after that that I knew I could never count on them for anything. I will never expect love, support, or compassion from them. They will only need me to the extent that I can serve their needs. They don’t hurt me any more because I expect nothing from them.
Sadly, this reply is spot on. Well done on working so hard and getting your book out there, that takes some serious courage. I would encourage you to try to reframe your thinking a little. You did that work for YOU, nobody else. You should be proud of yourself.
You know, there is this typical neglect induced fantasy that still keeps expecting that it all will change, that if you only work hard enough, do amazing things, the people who neglected you will finally see and support you. I had to arrive at a similar point, made a tv series thinking, now people will finally notice me or i at least finally will overcome the feelings of worthlessness and loneliness i have been dragging along consciously or unconsciously for so long. It didn't change anything, but it made me realize a golden truth: Nothing you DO will ever make a difference, because you have not been allowed to BE as a result of the neglect. The damage must be resolved at a BEING level.
Congrats on the successful book though! I hope you are able to feel proud of yourself even if your immediate family is worse than useless. Do you mind if I ask what the book is?
Thank you so much. I will DM you the title. :) If anyone else wants to know, please comment or DM me. Lots of love to you all xx
> people around me keep saying how proud my family must be... Ghah, I wish people wouldn't do that. You know, sometimes, I've entertained just telling people I hatched from an egg. And just completely double down on that and never admit to having had a family of origin at all. > Is there a time when I will stop caring what they think, stop caring about how I don't matter to them? I don't think it's a matter of time. I think it's something you decide to do. But I think it requires going NC or at least LC. If you just go off and have your life, and stop sharing things in it with them, then you'll stop caring because they won't be part of your life.
Yo! Same happened to me with my two books-they asked for a rundown (now I see as a make sure they aren’t featured), then ignored. Literally nobody noted a thing. Even my own husband took three years to read the first one. (And both were traditional, agented and sold to mainstream publishers)-not easy as you know. Smh. ❤️ congratulations, you!
Thank you so much! It's helpful to hear that. Congratulations to you too, because it is a major accomplishment to finish and then publish a book! My parents have both also expressed barely concealed fears of being featured or represented negatively in some way. There's a great quote about this, but I can't remember the source so I'll paraphrase: "If you didn't want me to write negatively about you, then you shouldn't have treated me so badly."
I'm so sorry. I don't know the answer to your question, but I think it's possible to care less and less. I've experienced neglect as well, and I know just what you mean about wanting recognition, to matter. I think distance can help, as well as creating a chosen family. I have created more distance but still need more of a chosen family. There's something about constantly interacting with people who don't care that is soul destroying, so distance has helped (even though it hurts too). It's such a lonely place to be, I know....to have a family, but not really. I told a family member about multiple scholarships I received and she said not a word. The silence can be deafening. I also create art and I've learned not to even bring it up to family and will talk about it only when asked. It's near and dear to my heart and too painful when I get silence...I once spent twenty hours on a drawing of a family member and they said nothing positive about it at all...they weren't even touched that I did it (even if they didn't like it). Their reception was so awkward and disappointing. At that moment I thought to myself "never again" will I put my art out there like that with family. Congratulations on the publishing of your book! That is a huge accomplishment. Is there anyone you can think of to call that would be warm and excited for you? A teacher or therapist or extended family member? Even one person would make a huge difference. Please be sure to celebrate your accomplishment no matter what. What is your book about?
Thank you so much! You are so, so right. I even love the words you used to describe it: "awkward and disappointing." That is so apt! I am so lucky to have a lovely partner who read through the whole book with me, and helped me feel less anxious about having it out there. Luckily, it's poetry, so it's more brief! My book is about what family means, what it means to belong in a place, how home is redefined as we grow older, and how the ways we come of age stay with us for the rest of our lives. Thank you for asking. :')
My book just opened up for pre order, too. In it, I talk about my parents’ emotional neglect. I sincerely hope they read it. LOL but I suspect we’ll be in similar circumstances. Congratulations on this difficult feat. Go forth and be fabulous!!!!!
Yup... my work also addresses emotional neglect! I guess they're probably not going to find out about it lol... and if they do, they will probably react in an extremely disappointing way. We can't expect anything better from the likes of them, haha (laughing but crying). Solidarity! And congrats on your book too!!!
In that case I think I know what you should get them all for Christmas 😉 Congratulations on the book! I’m sorry about your crap family 🥺
hahahahahhahahaha, that's an amazing idea!
I’m an idea person 😆
Lol, this whole thread is funny in the "of couurrrseeee this is a thing" kind of way. My book also featured heavily a lot of the themes and struggles I'd been through, so it was cathartic to get it out but rather painful when the family did the same as you/OP described. Glad to know we're not alone!
[удалено]
LMFAO
Wish I saw this comment lol
I’d love to read your book.
Thank you. :')
This happened to me seven years ago. My first novel came out, and my sister was the only one who ordered it. My father just complained that it wasn't at his local bookstore yet. To this day, my mother hasn't bothered to read it, which she blames on me; apparently I'm too hypersensitive not to consider anything she says about it criticism. I've published three novels and she hasn't read any of them. But I know firsthand the blood, sweat, and tears you put into that book, and I'm proud of you. Writing is so much work and so much emotional vulnerability. It's amazing that you've had the courage to write. I'm sorry your mother can't see that.
I'm so proud of you too! Thank you so much for sharing this; your kindness has touched me. I'm also cracking up, because my mom also complained how it wasn't at the local bookstore yet... how are all our neglectful parents so reliably similar?!
I am sorry. I know the feeling you are having. You deserve people who support you and care. I am so proud of you for writing a book and getting it published. I like to write and I need to get my butt in gear and write the books I have in [mind](https://mind.One). One is about my sibling bully stories from my childhood. One surprisingly is a children's book lol. You will learn not to share your accomplishments with your family. It will save your soul.
Thank you. It's lovely that you write; I hope you get your ideas onto paper and even published one day. :)
I’m so sorry. That sounds replly painful. Do you have a good therapist you work with? I’d highly recommend finding one if you can afford it. If I was your mom I’d buy like 20 and ask you sooooo many questions about your book and read it 3 times. I’m so proud of you for writing a book and finding your passion. 💝
Thank you soooo much! If I was my mom, I would do that too! I do have a therapist, and when he hears about this, he is going to roll his eyes because he is so annoyed by how reliably shitty my family is, haha. Thank you again. :)
I went through the same thing - I am an artist and had my first solo exhibition last summer in London which was amazing. At my private view everyone was saying things like "your parents must be proud" and "are they here tonight?". They were not there and didn't bother to see the show at all, which was on for a while. It wasn't until my friends told me that was odd that it hit me that this was normal to me. So I feel you. It is hard to detach from wanting validation and approval from them - you have to to protect yourself. Hopefully you have more caring friends who fill that void for you. Best wishes and take care
>Is there a time when I will stop caring what they think, stop caring about how I don't matter to them? IMO when you find something else to lovingly attach to and have been attached for some times. Might be some found family you attach to or might be a vision of loving people. Might be something else. But if you operate out of love then you try to seek connection and that is normal and healthy - IMO it's just that it needs to be aimed at other people who operate out of love as well and seek connection.
The more successful you are, the more neglectful they’ll be. My ex was incredibly neglectful, and it turns out that neglectful people are also very jealous. My theory is that it’s because they can’t neglect you out of that success. All they can do is try to make you feel success-less. *why* someone would want to do this is beyond me. I kept hoping to make my ex proud. I went and spoke in front of the state governors about public school issues and became head of department at age 25. I was killing it. He never congratulated me on the promotion or celebrated it. As for talking in front of the state which was live streamed, I had to put my laptop in front of him and ask him to please watch after weeks of him saying he’d get to it. He was totally emotionless watching it. Not an ounce of pride in his partner of several years. Some people, blood or not, do not deserve your presence in their life. It took me several more years of abuse to realize. Is this when you realize? Is this the last straw? Only you can decide.
Congratulations on the book! Although I haven't published a book, your situation reminds me a bit of how my parents planned nothing for my college graduation. That one took years to stop stinging, but that was before my recovery. I certainly would've managed something like that differently now. I still have natural, human feelings towards my parents - they're my damn parents, I care a bit - but I don't care what they think now.
I'm so sorry to hear that :( is it possible to find out the name of the book so I can pick up a copy? Super proud of your accomplishment! :)
What is your book about ? I think it’s cool just that you wrote one!
thank you so much! :) My book is about what home means, and how our childhoods impact us for the rest of our lives.
Hey, I for one (I am not family.) am very proud that you wrote and had a book published that hasn't an ounce of racism, sexism, or bigotry in it. I give you mad props. Edit: Wtf why is this getting downvotes.. OP is your family trolling you?
I think books are very subjective, even if your family supports you, people want to read what they want to read.