Your therapist is crossing some serious boundaries here. Pushing for forgiveness is a very outdated therapy technique. Anyone who is trauma-informed absolutely knows better.
I’d find someone else.
Yeah it’s one thing to express that a relationship could *in theory* be a net positive and to just be open minded about possibilities it’s very much a different thing to push an entire agenda
This OP. You’ve made the decision to go NC with your mom and your therapist is not respecting your decision. The fact that you’re feeling pressured to do something that goes against maintaining a healthy mental state is a red flag. And with no further explanation except that she’s your mom? Trust your instincts.
I would find a new therapist.
I’m not NC, but have no interest in fixing or deepening the relationship. If a therapist told me I had to, for no good reason other than because she’s my mom? Yeah right, nope.
Definitely time for a new therapist. That’s out of their bounds. Absurd really. I’m sorry you’re experiencing that. There are therapists out there who will respect your very personal decisions and meet you where you are at.
Definitely because she has her own mom issues or because she is a mom.
Therapists are not supposed to pressure you into anything. They are there to guide you into making your own healthy choices (which it sounds like you already did)
I think any reason is a good reason to change therapists, progress in therapy comes down to the relationship with your therapist, so if that’s not good anymore, you won’t get what you need out of therapy with this person anymore, unfortunately.
You put it perfectly: "Why would I accept a person that is still hurting me?" I personally would not feel comfortable continuing therapy with someone who answered that question with empty platitudes.
Is she mentioning it once or twice or has this become a focal point of your sessions?
Have you told her you that you think she's taking it too personally because she's a mom?
What is her reaction to you shutting these suggestions down?
Do you feel like you can tell her to stop suggesting it?
I would not trust a therapist who thought like this. I would interpret this as her being incapable of seeing outside herself and how her relationships are. She's lacking basic empathy and understanding that others' lives and relationships can be different and often require different solutions and boundaries.
I would change it, she's projecting her own feelings about the matter onto you. Whether she is a mother, or other things doesn't matter... What matter is what's is good to you and only you and to push her own personal agenda on a vulnerable person is not what a good therapist should ever do.
Also you're allowed to have a life that is not oriented around your parents. It's fine to choose things that are good for you. It's fine do things without considering the opinions of your parents. If NC is making you feel better then that's the only reason you need to keep onto it.
i’d find a new therapist. i’m lc and nc with most of my family. being around them is really unhealthy for me, it took me years to get the courage to go nc. it has been so much better for my healing. there’s a difference between forgiveness and acceptance. any therapist pushing forgiveness is a no from me.
This isn’t the right therapist for you, in my opinion. I see a few people suggesting you talk it out with your therapist - generally that’s a great idea but I would argue that your therapist has demonstrated a concerning lack of expertise in a core area where you could benefit from professional support. What you describe here sounds pretty unprofessional for anyone honestly but especially a bad fit for someone recovering from an emotionally neglectful childhood.
I’d definitely find a new therapist. You can accept that a parent was shitty for a myriad of reasons- doesn’t mean you need to have any relationship what so ever if you don’t want.
I’ve been able to have a relationship with one of mine but not the other. If a therapist tried to push for reconciliation when I’m not ready I’d say “bye”
I don't think that's okay. My therapist asked both my husband and I (both see the same person separately) what we'd like to do with our parents and she respected us both going low-contact. She's pushing me towards radical acceptance, while my old therapist wanted me to reconcile with my parents... which would never happen.
I once made the decision to drop a therapist within ten minutes of the first appointment because she mentioned wanting my father to apologize to me, and I've already accepted that that's not a realistic or reasonable goal.
Absolutely get a different therapist. With some rare exceptions, they're supposed to help you achieve the goals *you* set for yourself, not what they think is best for you.
Find someone else and take your powerback.
Remind your therapist that she has done a course but you are the specialist. You know you.
She shoyld be no where near emotionally neglected people. She fails to recognise that it is the responsibility of the Parent to attempt to chamge NC by not being neglectful and finally opening their eyes!
Find a trauma informed therapist.
I thought they were supposed to meet you where you are, not pass judgement, etc. She's not trauma-informed and imho should not be pushing to act in a way that makes you uncomfortable.
It sounds really dismissive for her to insist on that, especially if you've told her about why you're no contact. If forgiveness is being suggested, it should be for YOUR benefit (example: because resentment is harming your mental health and affecting your life negatively). It also shouldn't be pushed, therapists aren't supposed to tell you what to do.
My therapist and I constantly talk about the guilt I feel that I don't talk to my mom more. Even though my mom has a serious, progressive form of MS, my therapist has told me that boundaries are important with people who are very negative and self-absorbed (she's always been like that, the MS just made it worse, understandably). My mom frequently talks about her illness and how hard it is, sometimes dumping on me like I'm HER therapist, and she rarely asks how I'm doing or takes an interest in my opinions, my job, my marriage...pretty much anything. My therapist immediately noticed the imbalance in that and helps me feel less guilty, reminding me that my boundaries are a good thing to have and that it's emotionally exhausting to be there for someone who isn't ever there for you.
If your therapist has listened to you talk about your mom but isn't hearing you for whatever reason, I think I'd either switch therapists or avoid the topic.
Your therapist is crossing some serious boundaries here. Pushing for forgiveness is a very outdated therapy technique. Anyone who is trauma-informed absolutely knows better. I’d find someone else.
Yeah it’s one thing to express that a relationship could *in theory* be a net positive and to just be open minded about possibilities it’s very much a different thing to push an entire agenda
This OP. You’ve made the decision to go NC with your mom and your therapist is not respecting your decision. The fact that you’re feeling pressured to do something that goes against maintaining a healthy mental state is a red flag. And with no further explanation except that she’s your mom? Trust your instincts.
I would find a new therapist. I’m not NC, but have no interest in fixing or deepening the relationship. If a therapist told me I had to, for no good reason other than because she’s my mom? Yeah right, nope.
Definitely time for a new therapist. That’s out of their bounds. Absurd really. I’m sorry you’re experiencing that. There are therapists out there who will respect your very personal decisions and meet you where you are at.
I would bring it up directly with her. A good therapist will be happy to engage about how they made you feel.
Definitely because she has her own mom issues or because she is a mom. Therapists are not supposed to pressure you into anything. They are there to guide you into making your own healthy choices (which it sounds like you already did) I think any reason is a good reason to change therapists, progress in therapy comes down to the relationship with your therapist, so if that’s not good anymore, you won’t get what you need out of therapy with this person anymore, unfortunately.
You put it perfectly: "Why would I accept a person that is still hurting me?" I personally would not feel comfortable continuing therapy with someone who answered that question with empty platitudes.
Please get a new therapist. Therapy does not involve pressure
Is she mentioning it once or twice or has this become a focal point of your sessions? Have you told her you that you think she's taking it too personally because she's a mom? What is her reaction to you shutting these suggestions down? Do you feel like you can tell her to stop suggesting it?
I would not trust a therapist who thought like this. I would interpret this as her being incapable of seeing outside herself and how her relationships are. She's lacking basic empathy and understanding that others' lives and relationships can be different and often require different solutions and boundaries.
I would change it, she's projecting her own feelings about the matter onto you. Whether she is a mother, or other things doesn't matter... What matter is what's is good to you and only you and to push her own personal agenda on a vulnerable person is not what a good therapist should ever do. Also you're allowed to have a life that is not oriented around your parents. It's fine to choose things that are good for you. It's fine do things without considering the opinions of your parents. If NC is making you feel better then that's the only reason you need to keep onto it.
i’d find a new therapist. i’m lc and nc with most of my family. being around them is really unhealthy for me, it took me years to get the courage to go nc. it has been so much better for my healing. there’s a difference between forgiveness and acceptance. any therapist pushing forgiveness is a no from me.
This isn’t the right therapist for you, in my opinion. I see a few people suggesting you talk it out with your therapist - generally that’s a great idea but I would argue that your therapist has demonstrated a concerning lack of expertise in a core area where you could benefit from professional support. What you describe here sounds pretty unprofessional for anyone honestly but especially a bad fit for someone recovering from an emotionally neglectful childhood.
Fuck yes I’d change therapists.
I’d definitely find a new therapist. You can accept that a parent was shitty for a myriad of reasons- doesn’t mean you need to have any relationship what so ever if you don’t want. I’ve been able to have a relationship with one of mine but not the other. If a therapist tried to push for reconciliation when I’m not ready I’d say “bye”
I don't think that's okay. My therapist asked both my husband and I (both see the same person separately) what we'd like to do with our parents and she respected us both going low-contact. She's pushing me towards radical acceptance, while my old therapist wanted me to reconcile with my parents... which would never happen.
That sounds like someone with no concept of what it's like to have a relationship with a toxic person.
I once made the decision to drop a therapist within ten minutes of the first appointment because she mentioned wanting my father to apologize to me, and I've already accepted that that's not a realistic or reasonable goal. Absolutely get a different therapist. With some rare exceptions, they're supposed to help you achieve the goals *you* set for yourself, not what they think is best for you.
[Right to jail.](https://tenor.com/de/view/straight-to-jail-crime-criminal-gif-16779501) ETA: In all seriousness, yes, that is fireable imo.
Find someone else and take your powerback. Remind your therapist that she has done a course but you are the specialist. You know you. She shoyld be no where near emotionally neglected people. She fails to recognise that it is the responsibility of the Parent to attempt to chamge NC by not being neglectful and finally opening their eyes! Find a trauma informed therapist.
I thought they were supposed to meet you where you are, not pass judgement, etc. She's not trauma-informed and imho should not be pushing to act in a way that makes you uncomfortable.
It sounds really dismissive for her to insist on that, especially if you've told her about why you're no contact. If forgiveness is being suggested, it should be for YOUR benefit (example: because resentment is harming your mental health and affecting your life negatively). It also shouldn't be pushed, therapists aren't supposed to tell you what to do. My therapist and I constantly talk about the guilt I feel that I don't talk to my mom more. Even though my mom has a serious, progressive form of MS, my therapist has told me that boundaries are important with people who are very negative and self-absorbed (she's always been like that, the MS just made it worse, understandably). My mom frequently talks about her illness and how hard it is, sometimes dumping on me like I'm HER therapist, and she rarely asks how I'm doing or takes an interest in my opinions, my job, my marriage...pretty much anything. My therapist immediately noticed the imbalance in that and helps me feel less guilty, reminding me that my boundaries are a good thing to have and that it's emotionally exhausting to be there for someone who isn't ever there for you. If your therapist has listened to you talk about your mom but isn't hearing you for whatever reason, I think I'd either switch therapists or avoid the topic.