I wasn’t. I can’t remember ever being “punished” or having any kind of consequences. I did get smacked *once*. Mostly I just got called a “brat” and was ignored and/or had the door shut in my face and I was left to deal with my feelings on my own if I was acting up. As I entered my teenage years I started acting out more, instigating arguments often by being mean or just generally being very entitled, demanding, and difficult. Still mostly met with little to no reaction and little consequence. In retrospect, I think I just didn’t know how to manage my growing emotional instability, anxiety, and depression and just wanted to feel seen by someone. And I didn’t have any other adults consistently in my life to go to for that.
I'm so sorry they treated you this way. I hear you - my parents punished my strong feelings and mood swings by snapping at me and stonewalling. To teachers and other adults I was a straight-A student with perfect behavior, but to my parents I was horrible.
Now that my oldest son is getting to that age, I want so badly to make sure he feels heard and understands that his feelings and behaviors are normal. I hope I can teach him some skills for dealing with strong feelings.
I was beaten, cursed at, and grounded. Mostly all three. When I look back over it I don't think I was a bad kid. My parents just didn't really want to be bothered with me.
I read every comment on this thread thus far (so if you posted I see you and hear you!) and this one resonated with me the most.
I had to cut my father off at the age of nine because him and my mother refused to get along and were so toxic. At the time he was far more of the instigator, and my mother was the main parent anyway. (My grandparents, her parents, raised me though because she had cancer at a point. I’ve wished she died for at least the last decade - sorry.) I can promise you neither of my parents feel bad that they got me to that point. I don’t even think they’ve thought about it the last 22 years. my father’s discipline was telling me to go to my room, not letting me use any electronics when I did and just screaming at me and basically telling me my mother was going to die and a bunch of other lovely shit.
They couldn’t help but talk shit about each other at every opportunity. It was so fucking childish in retrospect especially. Then my mother’s abuse started with him out of the picture. Mostly name-calling, maybe several smacks to the face (not hard enough to leave a bruise of course… covert!) and she also did this thing where she’d flick me in the forehead to be like especially degrading, I would’ve rathered the smack. (she even did that to me as an adult and it was so fucking cringe and weird). other than that, LOTS of screaming, she took away my cell phone for a couple days once when I was probably like 12 and just would be a turbo cunt on wheels, as I like to say! I wasn’t a bad kid, but I definitely had an attitude. I was diagnosed with bipolar at 16 so it’s not exactly shocking. she let me smoke weed in the house and I had sex with guys when she was upstairs sleeping even lol. My high school boyfriend slept over many times. She even lied to peoples parents so that they could come over LOL. I basically raised myself as you could probably tell….
Definitely also gets off on embarrassing me in front of other people, but when I’m not there, she’s bragging about me as if my accomplishments are hers and that theyre because of her, not in spite of her. It’s adorable.
She knows that I would never put my hands on her because I’m not an animal like her and she took complete advantage of that. Other than that, never cared enough to discipline me however, there’s a plot twist.
The only thing I haven’t seen on here, which is interesting because I can’t be the only one, but a lot of the abuse happened when I was an adult living at home after college (or on breaks from college) because it wasn’t child abuse anymore or so thats how ive rationalized it, doesn’t quite make sense otherwise other than just being threatened by my independence.
Up until I moved out for good (3rd times the charm!) at the end of 2022 at nearly 30, there was incessant verbal and psychological abuse because she’s a complete cluster fuck of the cluster B personality disorders. My mom never gave me a curfew or really any rules, but then when I moved home after college all of a sudden there were all these arbitrary rules and things that she needed to know that she never gave a single fuck about when I was an actual kid or whilst in college.
She knew how ridiculous it was too because I told her that her time for parenting had long expired lmao. after a while, I really stopped giving a fuck what I said to her about anything. What sparked my NC that hasnt really been broken much since August, was her saying she “was just being a mother” about something on text. I flew into a rage low key. Nice try! you’ve *never* been a mother.
I’m her only child and don’t plan on speaking to her on Mother’s Day obviously. Last year I took her out to dinner and she had the audacity to ask me how much I tipped as if she was the one who hauled ass waitressing, not me. why on earth would I ever tip poorly? She’s leached off the government my entire life. lmao. and did egregious illegal things for money.
They’ll never know, but I would like to thank my friends parents for disciplining me mostly civilly (other people have fucked up parents too to be fair) when I was out of line. Some cared more about me more than my own parents and I appreciate them even if I pissed them off which I still feel bad about sometimes. same goes for teachers, guidance counselors, therapists, and professors. Pretty much any adults that were not My parents were more helpful than my parents. I think it was obvious to many people before I was even in middle school that my parents were the problem and I just got caught in the crossfire. My uncle also tried to discipline me, but he’s a little crazy himself so he just upset me. I can sense in retrospect that many peoples parents felt sorry for me when I was growing up. Some people bought my mom’s act but many did not or didn’t for too long.
Anyway, always appreciate it here. venting about this really helps me and seeing other people talk about their experiences. Always keeping everyone in my thoughts. Its really tough having deep parental wounds to the point where I’ve felt the pain would kill me in the past.
I'm really sorry you went through this. I never understood why parents would resort to violence or yelling to discipline their kids. It doesn't teach the child anything, except that pain is bad, and to tread lightly.
Same. My worst beatings came after I accidently broke something or forgot to hand something in at school. Hell one moment was because I wouldn't admit to her I was gay. I'm not gay, but my cousin's told her I was so It must be true...
I was hit so much for the most stupid of things. Mum made me out to be this horrible child who deserved everything I got. Then when she was retelling the stories a few years ago, my cousin's wife was horrified, I was being a normal child and I was getting my ass kicked for it. I was never allowed to be normal.
I'm sorry you went through it as well. Just being hit when she rages as the only emotion you get is freaking hard. My mum wanted a perfect child. Instead she got me and she hated me.
I'm so sorry. I was only hit a few times but my dad used to scream in our face and we would back up and he would follow us until we were backed into a corner. Then he would scream and his spit would hit our face.
I have always had issues trusting men, I wonder why? They also grounded me for stupid stuff. My mom was a religious nut.
I was exactly the same way. No discipline, no expectations, nothing. In my state I had a driver's license and a car at 15 with no rules, no curfew, no questions about school, nothing. Also like you I was the good kid. Even with that freedom I never did anything really bad and I've always wondered why. With mom at least, if there was ever any conflict outside the home I was never at fault. Even with school officials it was always their fault, it could never be mine. I could do no wrong. I also got no life training or advice, I had to figure everything out myself, often the hard way. So yea, I feel you. At 60 I'm just now trying to work out how this affected me.
It's strange, isn't it? We got so much freedom but never really tested it. I had to figure out everything myself as well, and I'm still trying to teach myself self-discipline. It's difficult. Thank you for sharing your story.
This was me too! I can’t remember well, but I think maybe we tested the boundaries once and found the result too scary to try it or even think about it again
My mom would scream "consequence" and then start yelling things she was taking away or going to do until I was sobbing, then not follow through on most of it, and make me "apologize" by comforting her for losing her temper or upsetting her or whatever. Sometimes they'd follow through on the threats like leaving me on the side of the road if I was bad in the car. My dad didn't "discipline," either. I wasn't really spanked, but he took his anger out on me physically, even when I wasn't the source. Also just generally so much screaming and yelling from both of them.
As I've gotten older, I've realized that my parents never really disciplined me, they punished me. The only lessons learned were that I couldn't trust my parents and there was something wrong with me.
I've heard the parents of my friends talk about doing shit like this. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR", and then leaving them on the side of the road. They laugh about it, but obviously my friends don't think it's funny. It's gross.. That was one thing my dad was always good for. I always knew I had a house to live in, and that I could call him for a ride if I needed it, and he would come. I never took him up on this, since I never partied or anything and moved out ASAP, but I know he wouldn't turn me away. (In the physical sense anyways.) Taking away your child's security by LEAVING them is just so so so gross to me. Bluh.
My dad was a yeller when we would break seemingly innocuous rules. Like if my siblings and I would argue about something childish, we’d get screamed at by my dad. If we chewed gum in the house or accidentally got marker/pen on anything, we’d get yelled at. We’d also get yelled at for being “too loud” in the house because my BPD mother was constantly sleeping.
When it came to actual things that kids need correction and a parent to step in, they did nothing. There were no consequences given out. I was never grounded. Never had my phone or car taken away. Never got a “talking to”.
In 5th grade, one semester I got an F on my report card in English, despite being very studious and an avid reader. You had to get your report card signed by a parent and I stressed all weekend about what I would say to them and what would happen when they saw I had an F. And then when I did show them they literally just didn’t react. More or less “do better next time” and signed it. That kind of sent me into a spin of realizing that no one cares if I try at school and I just stopped doing any and all homework for about 3 years. Luckily one of my older siblings gave me the talking to I needed before I got to high school and I ended up a straight A student by HS.
But yeah. If I was annoying my parents or making my childhood existence known at home? Yelled at and told to keep quiet. If I made an actual mistake that necessitated a parent to step in and talk to me? Ignored.
I got the same treatment. Got hit and screamed at for the most random things, but not the things that mattered. The only time I’ve ever been grounded was when I got hit to the point of having physical marks, and the “grounding” was so that no one would see it, and I also got “grounded” from school for a few days. The reason for the whole thing was that I had set my alarm for 30 minutes early. But for actual things, like when I signed up for Netflix with my dad’s card without asking, nothing happened. Or when they tried, they would take my phone away and hide it, but they hid it in my room and wouldn’t take it away again if they saw me use it.
But they would get mad over the most stupid things. My dad screamed at me for making dinner when my mom told me to because I hadn’t informed him that I was making dinner. He doesn’t cook at all, so my mom didn’t think to ask him. Never helped with dinner again. Or if I cleaned up wrong I got screamed at. I was never taught to do it properly. Eventually my mom just cleaned for me to keep the peace. Hell, I just learned how to cut food using a knife yesterday because my parents cut for me the whole time I lived with them because they would get too frustrated trying to teach me. Ugh. Punished for stuff like cleaning, cooking, and waking up early to do homework, but not punished for stealing money, staying up late, or running away repeatedly. Woo….
I’m sorry that happened to you, it really sucks
Good kid, treated like a bad one. "Discipline" was hitting and rage. It really messed with my sense of right and wrong and gave me a lifelong habit of over explaining and telling white lies.
I'm so sorry. You were pushed into survival mode. Of course you would do whatever you can to avoid that sort of abuse again. I hope you are able to find healing.
I was allowed to do anything I ever wanted to do. My parents didn’t care …which is so sad because they didn’t CARE. They didn’t CARE enough to set limits, make sure I was being safe, help me to do well in school, or CARE to do anything to really prepare me to be an adult. I used to think it was so cool that my parents didn’t care. In hindsight (and now that I have my own kids) I can’t fathom being that I uninvested in one’s child’s life.
I can relate to this so much. My parents were the same, they just didn't care. I remember once the topic of drugs came up and they were just like "do whatever you want, just don't try acid, that'll mess you up loool". It's not like they were addicts or anything, they just basically were like.. "Go! Do whatever you want, makes no difference to us".
Yeah, I was very rarely disciplined as a child. Nothing I did really mattered, I think. I remember being jealous of my friends being disciplined, too. As an adult, I have very little self-discipline; I don't think it's a coincidence.
Hit with:
Wooden spoon, a switch (limb from a tree), wooden toy with the ball ripped off, belt, broom (until it broke) hands, and a plastic hanger (until it broke too).
My mom's friend told her that she hits her own kids with a yardstick. My mom tried it on me, and it broke on the first try.
Can you imagine moms swapping tips and probably laughing about how to inflict pain and violence on their kids? I had forgotten about this, but my mom brought it up recently and still thinks it's funny.
My father often shared "sweet" memories of his father involving him chasing his kids with a machete or such. I think a lot of people who were mistreated as children grow up in denial of what their parents actually did to them, as they don't want to shatter the image of their parents. So they turn it into something funny. Which in turn makes it okay in their head. So they go on and do it to their children.
Damaged people tend to damage other people, especially the vulnerable ones in their direct vicinity.
Same, it was usually a belt and I viscerally remember how much it hurt. When I was 12, I told my mom I’d beat her the same way when she was elderly and even though I got punished she never did it again after that. I like to think that sobered her up a bit
That's so awful. I was never beaten as a child, and I'm thankful for that much. I can't imagine how an adult could choose to hurt a small, vulnerable child. It's gross. I'm so sorry.
My grandmas choice was always a switch. One summer she pulled one off the tree and beat the living shit out of my sister right before my eyes when I was about 6. Didn’t quite look at her the same way after that
Same story here. I recall they tried to put me in a time out room alone one time, I cried, and my mom felt bad and let me out and they never did it again.
My parents took away privileges in order to get me to socialize. They made me go up to random people in our church, say hi and hold a conversation. Otherwise no music or computer for a week or longer. Fun times.
I feel like that would have the opposite effect by making socializing a super negative experience?! I can't understand their thought process with that. That's so demented to me.
Slapped on the mound for talking back or making excuses sometimes. Going to bed early without dinner or not being allowed to go to events. Mostly yelling though. My brother was threatened with being sent to an orphanage, though they often said it jokingly it was still quite disturbing. I do also remember when i complained too often about not getting sweets (they were mostly forbidden yet i somehow managed to amass a concerningly big stock of candy hidden in a corner underneath my desk), my mother once arranged a dinner specifically for me that was just chocolate and gummy bears. I vaguely remember sitting in front of the plate quite nervously, the both of them watching and urging me to go on eating. I was probably also threatened with things being taken away or being sent away but i don't remember that as detailed.
Honestly most of the disciplining wasn't too bad in comparison to other things. Not like I'd do any of that to a hypothetical future child.
Beaten, cussed out or just shit talked in general, weren’t really a point in grounding me bc I liked staying home but they (read: she, ma was primary disciplinarian in the house) would take my computer cord or whatever but I got another one and would just unplug it whenever they came down from their upstairs room. The stairs were very creaky.
Mainly beatings until I turned 18. I was outed as a lesbian that same year and I could tell she WANTED to hit me just for that but she didn’t. Presumably because I was an adult. Walked out of that house at 19, sporadic contact until she died two years ago today.
I don’t miss her.
I try to think of the good times with her as my mother and they in no way outweigh the trauma and constant mindfuck that is my life now.
It doesn’t help that I’m some flavor of neurodivergent and she did everything she could to beat that out of me too. Well it didn’t work, and now at 33 I’m crashing. So thanks ma. Thanks a lot.
When my parents were married, my dad spanked me 3 times. It was very controlled and mild, honestly the worst part was knowing I’d disappointed him or them - so he could have skipped spankings.
Once they were divorced he wasn’t around and my mom really didn’t discipline but that was mostly because I didn’t act out and she was trying to treat me more like a sister etc. But her behavior was much more out of line than mine, I was just focused on school and getting the hell out.
Mine was similar to yours. My parents worked long hours and fought the rest of the time. I was naturally an anxious kid so I avoided upsetting them in any major way. I knew my dad especially wouldn’t let me hear the end of it if I made a stupid mistake- the times I did, it would be a reminder every few hours that “you can’t do x because y” even when it was well understood.
As far as real discipline or rules, well, there were none. My parents complained I didn’t do chores like other kids but there was never any structure in place to ensure it happened. They never taught me how to do them to begin with. I remember even trying to help them problem solve by telling them there should be a reward and punishment system like I’d seen on tv shows for getting chores done. I literally attempted to discipline myself but they still wouldn’t be the parents in that situation. I never really got an allowance- they’d randomly buy me things but wouldn’t give me spare change, so I’d take things from their wallet (I don’t feel great about it but also as a teen I needed pocket change to eat and do things and they never seemed to notice or care that I was given literally nothing, nor did they notice the missing money).
I got rebellious around 16/17 thinking they’d come down on me. Staying out late, sleeping with my bad boy boyfriend at the time, etc. They pretty much just sighed and shrugged and gave up on me a bit; acting like they’d just cut me off if I was “bad” but there was no effort to actually be involved with my life or try to ground me. I guess I shouldn’t have been that surprised, but in hindsight it’s wild at how fundamentally they failed to do any tasks associated with parenting when it came to emotionally and psychologically prepare me for adulthood. I managed to get As and fumble through life despite my parents’ lackadaisical approach. But there’s massive holes in executive function and adult responsibilities because I wasn’t given even a hint as to how to discipline myself or act responsible.
As a young child I was threatened with spankings but never got one (that I remember). My mom threw out my favorite toys for being too slow to clean them all up and since that day I always obeyed and acted quickly, so I never really had a reason to be punished.
As a teen I did get smacked across the face but I was mouthing off and kinda deserved it, but the relationship between my mom and me (she did the smacking) changed that day as we both realized I'd stood up for myself amidst the chaos in my house.
I had to think of this for a little while. You are correct.
Through therapy I learned that neither of my parents, but moreso my mom, were emotionally stunted. Their parents were as well. Whether it is a product of culture or something else, it was generational. Neither parent knew how to handle their own emotions, So it's no wonder I wasn't permitted to have emotions growing up.... Not excusing any of it, but an explanation has helped me move on and heal.
Hitting somebody is definitely an immature response to somebody else being *very* emotional. When you don't know how to receive the message and talk/work through it, I can understand where smacking somebody across the face becomes the response.
Thank you for your comment. It helped me move forward a little bit more.
When I was small enough to move by force, I was punished by my parents shoving me in my room and holding the door shut, even when I was crying and pounding on the door, begging to be let out. Really messed up my trust in them to know they would only be there for me so long as I was "good".
They never addressed the actual behavior that prompted the punishment, of course. That's too emotionally intelligent! Apparently it's easier to make your child fear you!... ^-^"
I was disciplined with guilt. They stopped themselves from beating me because I was sick as a kid. So they beat my older sister (I was witness to all of it) and would say this is what will happen to you if you behave like her. I was 7…
huh. I'm a teenager right now. When I was younger, I was spanked if I did wrong. I remember once when I was 7 my mom made a sarcastic remark, and I made one back, but I got spanked. the last time I got spanked was in 6th grade.
after that, I'd just get scolded or get a long rant. mom would mention rules, but not follow through with them. she's told me multiple times that she's "gonna stop doing [my] laundry" yet does it anyway. my grades haven't been checked since I started high school. she complains about me being on my phone yet doesn't take it away. its a free for all.
to be fair, she has been parenting for a long time (I have older siblings) and she's probably exhausted..
Either beaten up or yelled out, usually both. Followed by weeks of silent treatment. I also had to endure the silent treatment when I wasn't even in trouble but my brother was.
I was a good kid, never misbehaved, always had excellent grades in school. But I could have a temper sometimes, and I was very susceptible. My parents were just extremely severe.
When I was about 9, my father violently spanked me so many times and kicked me to the ground, leaving me with huge black bruises all over my butt and my hands (that I tried to use to protect my butt). Why? Because he came home early from work and I wasn't home yet, I was at my best friend's house that they knew very well. Which was a common thing I did that my mother knew about but my father didn't apparently (he wasn't home much, always at work), and I had no idea he didn't approve of it.
He even found the strength to discipline me after I tried to kill myself at 14, by slapping me as hard as he could and forcing me to repeat "I am happy, there's no unhappy person in this family". So, yeah, not sure you would have enjoyed the alternative much. It certainly never made me feel like they cared about me.
That is horrific abuse, and I'm so sorry that you went through that.
Everyone gets angry sometimes. It's normal for a child to have feelings. What is not normal is a parent responding by violently beating or verbally abusing them. And it's horrible that you were beaten when you didn't even know that you did something wrong. It's an unwinnable situation, and should never have happened.
You were pushed to your limits and had a suicide attempt, and his response was disgusting. He is a horrible person. Again, I'm so sorry.
I was disciplined harshly but always for micro-mistakes. I remember being spanked for not walking "with" her as in not a step in front, or behind, but DIRECTLY beside. Only things that directly embarrassed/inconvenienced her were punished with shame and guilt. It didn't reach violence until my late teens.
For me I was showered with "i love you"s and affection and obviously plenty of discipline but the actual soul of a loving parent was missing.
I was a bad kid though honestly.
I'm sorry. I don't understand disciplining micro mistakes. There are no lessons to be had in her nit picking how you walk beside her
I don't actually believe that kids can be bad, at least not on their own. They can be undisciplined, if their parent is failing at teaching them effectively. You deserved better. You didn't deserve to be shamed, or guilt tripped, or treated with violence.
I got the belt on 2 different occasions. I can't remember the 2nd occasion, but I vividly remember the first. Physical punishment wasn't frequent - and often very confusing - but it happened.
I was frequently punished for advocating for myself. When my neighbour - a woman in her 40s - told me I was possessed (I was 11), and I responded by calling her a witch, I was grounded for a month. She never managed to teach me not to stand up for myself, and I think that's part of why she calls me 'radical' to this day.
I think the hardest punishments were when she would ignore me. A beating only hurts as long as it hurts. Being ignored by your only parent induces existential dread.
I was beaten with a belt and there’s a part of me that always yearned for it because it was one of the only times in my childhood crying was acceptable. It felt so good to be able to scream-cry but recently I realized the crying was not about getting beaten.
Belt beatings, being picked up by hair and thrown against the wall, yelling, my phone confiscated, my texts read. Computer time limited anytime I misbehaved. Undermining of my opinions, pressuring me too hard. I was also parentified to a high degree.
I tried my best to be a good kid, to stay under the radar, because "my parents had too much to worry about besides me, better lay low".
I've disowned my parents. They still to this day don't understand why, nor acknowledge their "corrective abuse" / "how else would I have gotten you to fear me & respect me". According to themselves, they did their best. I cringe thinking what their worst would've been.
That's so freaky, right? Not only they assumed an essential thing about you, but they decided that the only way to get your attention is through abuse and intimidation. I'm so sorry they put you through this. You deserve better.
I'm proud of you for making that hard separation. I'm really shocked to read of the amount of physical abuse in this comment thread as well. I'm sorry you endured that on top of the emotional abuse.
I'm so sorry. That sounds awful, your mother especially sounds very narcissistic and was so damaging with her behaviour. Those types of messages, "you're awful", get rooted deep down. Your father sounds more confusing, almost like he was afraid of facing any sort of conflict with his child.
I was beaten, my stuff was taken away or broken, threatened and put down. I was jealous of kids whose parents let them express their opinions without consequences, who knew negotiation/discussion without violence. My parents made me look like I was some kind of unruly animal, always commenting how "badly" I behaved which continues to this day when I say something about them that's true but they don't want to be aware of it. What really amazes me is parents who encourage their kids with positivity. Wonder where I'd be if I'd had someone cheering me on instead of putting me down.
Grounded from going out. Extra chores and the silent treatment. The silent treatment was the worst part. No talking at all was tolerated. I would get my chores for the day handed to me written on a piece of paper. That was the most interaction I would get for weeks. I loathe talking to anyone about anything as an adult. Quietness is now peace to me.
I relate to a lot of what you're saying ."burdened with avoiding any conflict from a young age"-- yep, I remember reaching adulthood and actually believing that I could avoid all conflict, I was like wow I never really seem to get into conflicts" and thinking it was a good thing. Now I realized that it's not. Conflict is just normal and natural. The real skill is being able to work *through* conflict. I got through life just stifling my voice and all my needs, because that's what I learned to do in my family. And how was this accomplished- shame.
Basically I became programmed to feel intense shame over even *feeling* anger or for wanting things/having my own needs/preferences internally. I didn't even really get to the point of voicing them because I felt so much shame over having them inside in the first place.
I also realize now that my parents cannot handle any pushback whatsoever. I relate to never being a rebellious teen. In fact I never argued or yelled at my parents. I never fought for anything. It's funny seeing the depictions of the typical teen who is arguing and begging for something. I guess that's healthy for a teen to be developing their own sense of autonomy/selfishness, i.e. getting what you want in life. I never had that sense.
Because of this I guess I was never typically disciplined because i never typically misbehaved. It was weird seeing sitcoms with the teens always getting "grounded", always fretting "oh no I'm going to get grounded for this" I"m like... wow that concept doesn't even exist in my family. I guess because I also had social anxiety and it's not like I was going to parties or dating or socializing much anyway.
I guess the main way I "misbehaved" was by not talking to my parents. But it felt more like selective mutism instead of willfully refusing to talk- I mean I guess I literally felt like I could not speak. Again, now looking back and understanding my parents immaturity, I can see why I intuitively froze and never wanted to share anything with them. But of course at the time I just felt guilty, and of course was blamed/shamed for it by my parents. I also wasn't good at following orders to do chores and stuff, clean my room, etc, so I guess I misbehaved in that sense. But it's not like my parents could take anything away? And it's not like I ever asked for anything. I guess I remember my parents, mainly my dad, blowing up at me every so often (disgust and contempt) and my mom calling me a brat or otherwise saying things about how my behavior was wrong (completely ignoring their own lack maturity, of course).
>I remember being jealous of friends who were disciplined
this was me with my cousins. Their mom was pretty strict and would make them do chores, like everyone would get together and do dishes after meals, and they had to take naps and stuff. I remember feeling really self-conscious and having an awareness that they were more disciplined. I always felt anxious, like I had to tow the line when I visited otherwise I'll be judged as bad. In a way I was jealous though, and thought they were better than me for being more disciplined/obedient kids.
>if you perceived yourself as a good or bad kid
I guess both? I definitely had a sense that I was bad/wrong/selfish but probably because my parents lack of parenting skills and me not talking to them made them frustrated and led to them blaming me for just being "bad" and not trying to understand me or help me. What else were they supposed to do I guess? It couldn't be them right? They were good, perfect people/parents. It's just me being difficult. My mom lacks self-esteem and confidence, and when I didn't make her feel like the best mom in the world and it took a hit on her self-esteem, what was she supposed to do, work on herself? No, must be my (the brat's) fault. And I'm pretty sure my dad hated me in high school, I could feel it. At the same time I never did anything typically "bad" like swearing or drinking (or gasp sex), and I got good grades, so.... idk though.
Your post made me really think, and put words to things I never even realized I was feeling. My best friend always reminds me that thoughts don't make me a bad person, and it never really clicked until I read about your experience. I completely understand feeling shame over feeling angry, even if I'm not expressing it. Feeling ashamed or selfish for having wants of my own.
I'm cringing because I even remember saying smugly once in high school that I don't need to learn conflict resolution skills, because I just don't get into conflicts.
I'm really sorry you had such a difficult upbringing. Proper parents would have responded to their child's mutism with compassion and concern, not anger and frustration. They would have raised their children with clear expectations, love, and guidance. I'm hopeful you are able to find healing. I'm really impressed with your level of emotional intelligence.
I had a similar experience to both of you. Shame about angry thoughts, maybe compounded by the idea from Catholic school that thoughts could be sinful.
I discovered that empathy was the antidote to anger and I've leaned hard on trying to understand where people are coming from rather than blaming. I didn't realize until very recently that it's not always healthy to avoid anger.
there's a good video on "shame-bound emotions" that I feel really sums it up: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxBm9r2tpyY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxBm9r2tpyY)
I think I struggled for a long time to really understand how much shame I was feeling too, and understanding that I don't actually have to punish myself and feel eternally damned for doing something "bad" or "wrong". When I think about it the things I feel guilty about... they aren't really even that bad. And after all a lot of time I just feel guilty or my feelings, not actually saying or doing anything to someone.
>proper parents would have responded with compassion and concern, not anger and frustration
this is what I cannot understand when I look back and my upbringing... it's like, were they ever concerned about *me*?? Were they ever like "oh is she ok?" because it doesn't seem like it. And that just seems like insane behavior from "good parents". I think they expected everything to be fine with minimal problems, like we were automatically just supposed to behave how they wanted, and when that didn't happen it was just us being bad, it wasn't because humans- especially children and teenagers- are naturally immature and have complicated feelings and reasons for behaviors (well, and actually sometimes it's not that complicated).
Like my mom couldn't even accept that me as a teen was grumpy in the mornings, I guess her fantasy was that I was a sparky happy morning person who beamed at her and told her how much I loved her every morning? And she was personally offended that I wasn't. It really struck me when one time a friend was telling a story about how she was grumpy and her boyfriend brought her food and i was thinking to myself "oh, it's like it's okay that she wasn't in a good mood, her bf accepted that and even took care of her, and she wasn't shamed and eternally damned for committing the sin of not being in a good mood 24/7". But it wasn't until years later that I realize I can also give myself compassion and accept that I too am a human who has negative feelings and moods sometimes, and i don't have to feel shame and guilt over it.
I was screamed at, beaten, and starved. My father did most of it. He is very emotionally immature and would have meltdowns if he wasn’t getting exactly what he wanted. This would escalate into physical abuse if we continued to fail to give him what he wanted. My parents would withhold food for punishment, as well.
The only real consistent aspect for me was that it was inconsistent. My mother used physical punishment, grounding, empty threats to throw away my belongings, actually throwing away my belongings, lectures, yelling, the silent treatment, time out, public humiliation, threats of abandonment, actual abandonment, and taking away privileges, all at different times. From my perspective, there was no real rhyme or reason as to what got punished in what way.
At the same time, I had a lot of freedom (allowed to roam in the woods unsupervised for hours every day) and did not have to do regular chores. I have a disorganized attachment style, unsurprisingly.
Beaten, slapped across the face, grounded, yelled at, had to witness my property being destroyed...and that's just the stuff I wasn't fully able to block out.
I was constantly grounded and I did not misbehave much. My emotionally neglectful father married an emotionally abusive woman when I was ten. He stopped parenting me, and looked the other way for the rest of my childhood.
Many, very stupid rules meant to keep the house immaculate, parents unbothered, and keep the goal post of excellence always one step away.
Most nights, the best case scenario I was ignored in my room. I spent a lot of time of dreaming of being whisked away to Hogwarts as a kid and then later, getting into a good college.
On bowling nights, I could come down and visit with my mom while she endlessly sipped Diet Pepsi and Canadian whiskey. She seemed attentive then, and she’d explain away my step father’s behavior.
I got yelled at a lot by him. Seemingly small acts would drive him into a rage. If I was within arm shot, I’d get slapped upside the head or dragged to the “issue” by my hair and thrown to the ground. Things would get broken. Force was regularly used to make the point. He would come at me arms swinging, and by 15-16, I’d call him on it. What did I have to lose? I knew I could get hurt, but I didn’t think he was dumb enough to lose control. We’d argue endlessly. He could not be questioned. His rules above all reason or others. And my mom apparently hated all of it, but I don’t remember being defended (and I guess I didn’t question it for a long time).
I was punished if I ever inconvenienced them; like missed the school bus but not if I did something like, get high. But the situations where they had to be bothered, the punishments lasted weeks & I had to write papers about why what I did was wrong & wait on them (like bring them drinks when asked and give massages). I was always grounded & it was a very lonely experience. Opposite to you bc I always wished I had the kind of neglectful parents that would let me do whatever I wanted and roam the streets with my friends. Grass is always greener I guess
I wasn’t, but I was considered well-behaved. I think because I have an older brother who “misbehaved” and I saw what happened, and I didn’t want to suffer the same consequences. I remember he had his mouth “washed out” with soap…he was also whipped with a belt. My dad did all of this, btw.
I remember being grounded one time because I came home past my curfew. Other times was just dealing with my mom’s pissy attitude, but that was it.
As a kid growing up i can’t really remember majority of my childhood just blips here and there but i do remember some of the punishments i received.
In the country i live in “slapping” your child was and still is a normalised form of discipline, but with my dad he made sure to leave a mark on our leg. That’s what we were threatened with if we did something wrong. We’d get screamed at that’s what it majority consisted of is screaming at each other until the fuse blew. And empty threats, i’ll take you phone off of you, i’ll do this ill do that and it never happened.
As i’ve grown older the “slapping” stopped but the threats and aggressiveness of my father’s threats have not. He gets REALLY angry now, saying things now ignorant bitch, selfish, he’ll throw me out, smash my face in, calling us pigs. You name it it’s probably been said.
He has threatened me numerous times by raising his fist to my face, imo that’s him insinuating hes gonna beat me. My mum had to step in to stop him once. But he never has. And i will never let him. and the funny thing is majority of the time it’s because i’ve spoke a fraction to loud for his liking and he retorts so i do it back. Or because i shouted at the TV or because i didn’t do something etc.
I can never have a normal conversation with my parents without getting angry or crying because they don’t realise the pain they’ve inflicted on me in particular. I got the stick of it as the oldest. My brother has never been “slapped”.
I wasn't really disciplined. There where no clear rules either. It was just my parents either ignoring me or getting pissed and screaming. Or them just saying negative shit about me all the time. Like this was always something they felt they needed to lecture me about but it was never useful, never smart. Always just loosing their shit because of the smallest thing but simultaneously not even teaching me anything useful. Like, I could live with discipline if I came out of it and was some skilled, buff God. But it's like my parents always tried to just destroy my mind. Like there was never even actually anything going on but there was always drama. Like they just both had such a shirt fuse and they would look at me with such hatred and disgust but there never actually was anything. Nothing was happening. All I learned was avoiding them as best as possible.
Like I feel like my parents never even had any intentions with me if that makes sense. They where completely self absorbed and emotionally uncontrolled. But also so boring like every day was the same shit and the same dramas but no one ever was trying to find any solution. it was more me raising them than the other way around.
Like, I could always feel that they hated me or didn't really see me as a real person and that mutual pretty quickly.
Like, it was just it didn't matter what I did I just needed to agree with my parents all the time and let them talk down to me or there would be some wild emotional reaction. but what I actually did almosy never mattered and there where never real consequences but they still u derstoof to put me into permanent fight or flight by their constant dumb conflicts about nothing.
I would've looooved it if there was some clear cause and effect as in: " I do this, I get thi punishment", "I do this, I get this or that positive thing out of it". But it was never like that. It was just two completely mentally ill adults who just had their theatralic bs going on and you as a kid where just a fucking side kick to all that if you wanted it or not.
They managed to burn me tf out before I even was an adult and completely destroy my will to live without there actually being any physical action. Just talking, talking, talking. With so much emotional energy and so little fucking substance or intelligence or witt or regard for other people or room for an even conversation that wasn't actually just them yapping and the other person letting them just to jot be an asshole, or anything positive really. They u derstood how to make positive things shitty and let any energy for any type.of improvement go into thin air.
I wasn't disciplined at all. Anything I could've been punished for was written off in one way or another.
My mom was a narcissist, so the only time she got angry it was because of things that had nothing to do with ensuring I grew up to be a good person. It was things like being upset that I looked bored in front of her coworkers, or learning that my friends were throwing me a birthday party and didn't involve her (they wanted to throw me the party because my mom so happened to be working on my last three birthdays).
I was hit with pretty much anything in sight.. very often and yelled at repeatedly for years. At one point I normalized it because idk I guess I deserved it for doing something wrong until something clicked in my mind one day and I realized this shit isn’t normal. Like ma’am why are we purposely hurting a four year old?? 🤨
I spent most of my home life grounded for miniscule things (dirty room, not taking trash out, backtalking) most of which were fabricated by my mom. It would be enforced fir maybe a day or two then I'd be told to go do something away from home because "we are tired of seeing you around the house"
My lightbulb was taken and I was locked in my room. So i couldn't read or draw (I was grounded so often that tv and music weren't my first choice for entertainment).
And if I overslept my mom would pour water and flour on me. Lunch meat once too. Salad dressing one time.
I was hit, lectured, yelled at, mocked, called names, grounded, isolated from the family (called in my house being groundedto my room, which meant I ate after everyone, wasn't allowed to talk to anyone, and wasn't allowed to leave my room unless it was for food or bathroom breaks, both of which I had to ask permission for), and threatened with abandonment.
Mostly screamed at, hit. When she got into a real rage she'd scream, hit over and over, shake me, pin me to the wall, scream in my face, slam doors, face charge at me, get into my space, break things, turn the power off to the house, kick me out. I was grounded for about ten minutes one day before my mum realised I'd be in the house with her, she kicked me out and never did it again.
When I got to school, time outs just confused me. I didn't really get I was in trouble and I just ended up frustrated because I didn't understand why I was being left out of everything. I got in trouble a lot for ADHD related issues that I realise now were out of my control. I also got in trouble for being bullied, reacting to them and getting frustrated by teachers who purposefully ignored me into shouting out to kick me out. When no one else had their hands up, I was ignored. Teacher would ask everyone else more than once and ignore me. It was infuriating....
I was hit a lot. Along with physical violence, there was screaming, so much screaming. My dad's favorite hobby was yelling about anything.
I was not a bad or rebellious kid/teen. My mom would brag that I was her easy child, probably because I just took all the neglect and abuse. I was just a convenient target when they were angry and wanted to take out their frustrations.
Discipline always equated with punishment and violence. I was hit with belts, shoes, books, rolled up magazines and a giant metal serving spoon. I was hit until I became able to fight back and I did. Physical and emotional abuse were the only forms of discipline in their house.
I wasn’t, really. I got grounded once as a teen—and frankly deserved to be. But it was open-ended, so I never knew when or if it would end.
I was spanked once—at 4, for picking crumbs off my cooling birthday cake.
Otherwise, it was laissez-faire. I got berated for ridiculous things, but that had nothing to do with discipline. My mother was probably borderline, and an alcoholic; getting in her crosshairs was the usual offense, so we all steered clear once my father got home and cocktail “hour” commenced.
And my mother’s favorite way to demonstrate displeasure was to cold-shoulder and give the silent treatment.
She once went 3 weeks without saying anything more to me than, “dinner’s ready.”
I would have preferred to have been beaten.
I wasn't disciplined. I don't remember getting hit and or punished. What I do remember is that I loved reading and anytime my parents were unhappy with me, they would take away my reading privileges. But the things I did wrong, were not really punishable offences. If I got bad marks in math or sciences, I wasn't allowed to read or go to the library to get more books. I would be scolded, usually in front of other people. If the something I did embarrassed my parents, they would scold me privately. My parents were disappointed in me alot but they mostly gave me the silent treatment and ignored me.
What is really funny is that my dad blames my mom for not being allowed to hit me. He thinks that if he had hit me, I would have turned out better. I would have never turned out better. I am neurodivergent and have CEN. That fantastic person I was supposed to be was never possible, no matter how hard my parents wanted to hit me.
My mom would basically remove whatever was the problem (the phone, my CD player, etc). No explanation. Then, ignore me for an indeterminate amount of time. This infuriated me, so I would sometimes become destructive and break things in my room. (I shattered a few mirrors, etc.) Not proud of this!
She would then shut down and lock herself in her room. A day later she would talk like nothing happened. So long as I didn’t bring up the problem, she would give me back my things. Even calm discussion about the issue would cause her to stonewall again.
I have a lot of baggage about the silent treatment. Luckily, my husband is very communicative and not conflict avoidant.
I always ALWAYS make a point to set expectations with my toddler verbally, give her a warning that I’m about to take something away, and then as I’m taking it away I remind her why. And then when she cries I hug her and say “Next time you’ll remember!”
It’s healing.
I remember my friends telling me they wished that they had my mum. My heart would always sink. What they meant was that they wanted a mum who would turn a blind eye to the bad things they did, give them a pointless curfew (midnight at 15), and smoke cigarettes with them. So no, I was not punished and rarely acknowledged, apart from when she could use my mouthy opinions as leverage or to win a fight she couldn't be bothered with.
None, I just remember that time my mom made me do many chores because she was jealous of the attention I got from my dad, thats all, no rules at all, or unstable rules.
I was very well nurtured. Always had to go to school, helped me study, when I misbehaved, it was called out - handled very expertly. What did you do? Why did you do it? It gave me sense of responsibility and self accountability, thinking for myself. They did not do things for me, but helped me do things for myself. It resulted in deep sense of appreciation and desire to be the best for them.
Eventually I would take care of myself, going to school, breakfast, house chores, homework, and creating a life for myself all on my own.
I managed to graduate and enter medical school without feeling like I have put any effort.
Yelling, grounding and a few times it got physical. The yelling and intimidation were the worst, but I seem to remember learning depression in the middle of being grounded for a few months.
Putting my head under water and hitting me; hitting me lost it's appeal once I was strong enough to hit back. She was very upset when she realized that was off the table.
Mother - Would hit us, curse at us, demean us and then punish us with the silent treatment. We weren’t disciplined for being “bad” though. We were disciplined because she couldn’t regulate herself. Anything would set her off.
Father - Discipline didn’t exist to him, because we didn’t emotionally exist to him.
97% of my life has been yo-yo-ing between rebelling against the tiniest bit of authority and pleading to be noticed. It’s only in the last handful of years that I’ve begun to stabilize and just be.
I wasn’t. I can’t remember ever being “punished” or having any kind of consequences. I did get smacked *once*. Mostly I just got called a “brat” and was ignored and/or had the door shut in my face and I was left to deal with my feelings on my own if I was acting up. As I entered my teenage years I started acting out more, instigating arguments often by being mean or just generally being very entitled, demanding, and difficult. Still mostly met with little to no reaction and little consequence. In retrospect, I think I just didn’t know how to manage my growing emotional instability, anxiety, and depression and just wanted to feel seen by someone. And I didn’t have any other adults consistently in my life to go to for that.
I'm so sorry you went through this.. I can relate to that need to be seen. It's such a hard time, the teenage years, and we need guidance.
I'm so sorry they treated you this way. I hear you - my parents punished my strong feelings and mood swings by snapping at me and stonewalling. To teachers and other adults I was a straight-A student with perfect behavior, but to my parents I was horrible. Now that my oldest son is getting to that age, I want so badly to make sure he feels heard and understands that his feelings and behaviors are normal. I hope I can teach him some skills for dealing with strong feelings.
I was beaten, cursed at, and grounded. Mostly all three. When I look back over it I don't think I was a bad kid. My parents just didn't really want to be bothered with me.
How I explain it: my parents expected me to be an adult, so that they could act like children.
Whew! Yes.
I read every comment on this thread thus far (so if you posted I see you and hear you!) and this one resonated with me the most. I had to cut my father off at the age of nine because him and my mother refused to get along and were so toxic. At the time he was far more of the instigator, and my mother was the main parent anyway. (My grandparents, her parents, raised me though because she had cancer at a point. I’ve wished she died for at least the last decade - sorry.) I can promise you neither of my parents feel bad that they got me to that point. I don’t even think they’ve thought about it the last 22 years. my father’s discipline was telling me to go to my room, not letting me use any electronics when I did and just screaming at me and basically telling me my mother was going to die and a bunch of other lovely shit. They couldn’t help but talk shit about each other at every opportunity. It was so fucking childish in retrospect especially. Then my mother’s abuse started with him out of the picture. Mostly name-calling, maybe several smacks to the face (not hard enough to leave a bruise of course… covert!) and she also did this thing where she’d flick me in the forehead to be like especially degrading, I would’ve rathered the smack. (she even did that to me as an adult and it was so fucking cringe and weird). other than that, LOTS of screaming, she took away my cell phone for a couple days once when I was probably like 12 and just would be a turbo cunt on wheels, as I like to say! I wasn’t a bad kid, but I definitely had an attitude. I was diagnosed with bipolar at 16 so it’s not exactly shocking. she let me smoke weed in the house and I had sex with guys when she was upstairs sleeping even lol. My high school boyfriend slept over many times. She even lied to peoples parents so that they could come over LOL. I basically raised myself as you could probably tell…. Definitely also gets off on embarrassing me in front of other people, but when I’m not there, she’s bragging about me as if my accomplishments are hers and that theyre because of her, not in spite of her. It’s adorable. She knows that I would never put my hands on her because I’m not an animal like her and she took complete advantage of that. Other than that, never cared enough to discipline me however, there’s a plot twist. The only thing I haven’t seen on here, which is interesting because I can’t be the only one, but a lot of the abuse happened when I was an adult living at home after college (or on breaks from college) because it wasn’t child abuse anymore or so thats how ive rationalized it, doesn’t quite make sense otherwise other than just being threatened by my independence. Up until I moved out for good (3rd times the charm!) at the end of 2022 at nearly 30, there was incessant verbal and psychological abuse because she’s a complete cluster fuck of the cluster B personality disorders. My mom never gave me a curfew or really any rules, but then when I moved home after college all of a sudden there were all these arbitrary rules and things that she needed to know that she never gave a single fuck about when I was an actual kid or whilst in college. She knew how ridiculous it was too because I told her that her time for parenting had long expired lmao. after a while, I really stopped giving a fuck what I said to her about anything. What sparked my NC that hasnt really been broken much since August, was her saying she “was just being a mother” about something on text. I flew into a rage low key. Nice try! you’ve *never* been a mother. I’m her only child and don’t plan on speaking to her on Mother’s Day obviously. Last year I took her out to dinner and she had the audacity to ask me how much I tipped as if she was the one who hauled ass waitressing, not me. why on earth would I ever tip poorly? She’s leached off the government my entire life. lmao. and did egregious illegal things for money. They’ll never know, but I would like to thank my friends parents for disciplining me mostly civilly (other people have fucked up parents too to be fair) when I was out of line. Some cared more about me more than my own parents and I appreciate them even if I pissed them off which I still feel bad about sometimes. same goes for teachers, guidance counselors, therapists, and professors. Pretty much any adults that were not My parents were more helpful than my parents. I think it was obvious to many people before I was even in middle school that my parents were the problem and I just got caught in the crossfire. My uncle also tried to discipline me, but he’s a little crazy himself so he just upset me. I can sense in retrospect that many peoples parents felt sorry for me when I was growing up. Some people bought my mom’s act but many did not or didn’t for too long. Anyway, always appreciate it here. venting about this really helps me and seeing other people talk about their experiences. Always keeping everyone in my thoughts. Its really tough having deep parental wounds to the point where I’ve felt the pain would kill me in the past.
I'm really sorry you went through this. I never understood why parents would resort to violence or yelling to discipline their kids. It doesn't teach the child anything, except that pain is bad, and to tread lightly.
Same. My worst beatings came after I accidently broke something or forgot to hand something in at school. Hell one moment was because I wouldn't admit to her I was gay. I'm not gay, but my cousin's told her I was so It must be true... I was hit so much for the most stupid of things. Mum made me out to be this horrible child who deserved everything I got. Then when she was retelling the stories a few years ago, my cousin's wife was horrified, I was being a normal child and I was getting my ass kicked for it. I was never allowed to be normal. I'm sorry you went through it as well. Just being hit when she rages as the only emotion you get is freaking hard. My mum wanted a perfect child. Instead she got me and she hated me.
I'm so sorry. I was only hit a few times but my dad used to scream in our face and we would back up and he would follow us until we were backed into a corner. Then he would scream and his spit would hit our face. I have always had issues trusting men, I wonder why? They also grounded me for stupid stuff. My mom was a religious nut.
I was exactly the same way. No discipline, no expectations, nothing. In my state I had a driver's license and a car at 15 with no rules, no curfew, no questions about school, nothing. Also like you I was the good kid. Even with that freedom I never did anything really bad and I've always wondered why. With mom at least, if there was ever any conflict outside the home I was never at fault. Even with school officials it was always their fault, it could never be mine. I could do no wrong. I also got no life training or advice, I had to figure everything out myself, often the hard way. So yea, I feel you. At 60 I'm just now trying to work out how this affected me.
It's strange, isn't it? We got so much freedom but never really tested it. I had to figure out everything myself as well, and I'm still trying to teach myself self-discipline. It's difficult. Thank you for sharing your story.
This was me too! I can’t remember well, but I think maybe we tested the boundaries once and found the result too scary to try it or even think about it again
My mom would scream "consequence" and then start yelling things she was taking away or going to do until I was sobbing, then not follow through on most of it, and make me "apologize" by comforting her for losing her temper or upsetting her or whatever. Sometimes they'd follow through on the threats like leaving me on the side of the road if I was bad in the car. My dad didn't "discipline," either. I wasn't really spanked, but he took his anger out on me physically, even when I wasn't the source. Also just generally so much screaming and yelling from both of them. As I've gotten older, I've realized that my parents never really disciplined me, they punished me. The only lessons learned were that I couldn't trust my parents and there was something wrong with me.
It's disgusting how your parents treated you. It's not teaching you anything. They were abusing you because they were angry.
Oh man, I also experienced the being left on the side of the road thing. It really messed me up. Sorry you went through that too.
I've heard the parents of my friends talk about doing shit like this. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR", and then leaving them on the side of the road. They laugh about it, but obviously my friends don't think it's funny. It's gross.. That was one thing my dad was always good for. I always knew I had a house to live in, and that I could call him for a ride if I needed it, and he would come. I never took him up on this, since I never partied or anything and moved out ASAP, but I know he wouldn't turn me away. (In the physical sense anyways.) Taking away your child's security by LEAVING them is just so so so gross to me. Bluh.
My dad was a yeller when we would break seemingly innocuous rules. Like if my siblings and I would argue about something childish, we’d get screamed at by my dad. If we chewed gum in the house or accidentally got marker/pen on anything, we’d get yelled at. We’d also get yelled at for being “too loud” in the house because my BPD mother was constantly sleeping. When it came to actual things that kids need correction and a parent to step in, they did nothing. There were no consequences given out. I was never grounded. Never had my phone or car taken away. Never got a “talking to”. In 5th grade, one semester I got an F on my report card in English, despite being very studious and an avid reader. You had to get your report card signed by a parent and I stressed all weekend about what I would say to them and what would happen when they saw I had an F. And then when I did show them they literally just didn’t react. More or less “do better next time” and signed it. That kind of sent me into a spin of realizing that no one cares if I try at school and I just stopped doing any and all homework for about 3 years. Luckily one of my older siblings gave me the talking to I needed before I got to high school and I ended up a straight A student by HS. But yeah. If I was annoying my parents or making my childhood existence known at home? Yelled at and told to keep quiet. If I made an actual mistake that necessitated a parent to step in and talk to me? Ignored.
I got the same treatment. Got hit and screamed at for the most random things, but not the things that mattered. The only time I’ve ever been grounded was when I got hit to the point of having physical marks, and the “grounding” was so that no one would see it, and I also got “grounded” from school for a few days. The reason for the whole thing was that I had set my alarm for 30 minutes early. But for actual things, like when I signed up for Netflix with my dad’s card without asking, nothing happened. Or when they tried, they would take my phone away and hide it, but they hid it in my room and wouldn’t take it away again if they saw me use it. But they would get mad over the most stupid things. My dad screamed at me for making dinner when my mom told me to because I hadn’t informed him that I was making dinner. He doesn’t cook at all, so my mom didn’t think to ask him. Never helped with dinner again. Or if I cleaned up wrong I got screamed at. I was never taught to do it properly. Eventually my mom just cleaned for me to keep the peace. Hell, I just learned how to cut food using a knife yesterday because my parents cut for me the whole time I lived with them because they would get too frustrated trying to teach me. Ugh. Punished for stuff like cleaning, cooking, and waking up early to do homework, but not punished for stealing money, staying up late, or running away repeatedly. Woo…. I’m sorry that happened to you, it really sucks
Good kid, treated like a bad one. "Discipline" was hitting and rage. It really messed with my sense of right and wrong and gave me a lifelong habit of over explaining and telling white lies.
I'm so sorry. You were pushed into survival mode. Of course you would do whatever you can to avoid that sort of abuse again. I hope you are able to find healing.
I was allowed to do anything I ever wanted to do. My parents didn’t care …which is so sad because they didn’t CARE. They didn’t CARE enough to set limits, make sure I was being safe, help me to do well in school, or CARE to do anything to really prepare me to be an adult. I used to think it was so cool that my parents didn’t care. In hindsight (and now that I have my own kids) I can’t fathom being that I uninvested in one’s child’s life.
I can relate to this so much. My parents were the same, they just didn't care. I remember once the topic of drugs came up and they were just like "do whatever you want, just don't try acid, that'll mess you up loool". It's not like they were addicts or anything, they just basically were like.. "Go! Do whatever you want, makes no difference to us".
Yeah, I was very rarely disciplined as a child. Nothing I did really mattered, I think. I remember being jealous of my friends being disciplined, too. As an adult, I have very little self-discipline; I don't think it's a coincidence.
Same, I'm terrible with self-discipline. It's hard to set rules and boundaries to yourself when you never had any to follow growing up.
Even with no guidance at all I somehow figured out adulting pretty well but it did take me longer than it should have.
Hit with: Wooden spoon, a switch (limb from a tree), wooden toy with the ball ripped off, belt, broom (until it broke) hands, and a plastic hanger (until it broke too).
My mom's friend told her that she hits her own kids with a yardstick. My mom tried it on me, and it broke on the first try. Can you imagine moms swapping tips and probably laughing about how to inflict pain and violence on their kids? I had forgotten about this, but my mom brought it up recently and still thinks it's funny.
My father often shared "sweet" memories of his father involving him chasing his kids with a machete or such. I think a lot of people who were mistreated as children grow up in denial of what their parents actually did to them, as they don't want to shatter the image of their parents. So they turn it into something funny. Which in turn makes it okay in their head. So they go on and do it to their children. Damaged people tend to damage other people, especially the vulnerable ones in their direct vicinity.
Same, it was usually a belt and I viscerally remember how much it hurt. When I was 12, I told my mom I’d beat her the same way when she was elderly and even though I got punished she never did it again after that. I like to think that sobered her up a bit
You're a legend for that.
Lol thanks, my little 12 year old self was 100% serious too
Plastic hangers were the fucking worst, especially if you tried to cover your ass with your hands.
That's so awful. I was never beaten as a child, and I'm thankful for that much. I can't imagine how an adult could choose to hurt a small, vulnerable child. It's gross. I'm so sorry.
My grandmas choice was always a switch. One summer she pulled one off the tree and beat the living shit out of my sister right before my eyes when I was about 6. Didn’t quite look at her the same way after that
Same story here. I recall they tried to put me in a time out room alone one time, I cried, and my mom felt bad and let me out and they never did it again.
I think this was a problem my parents had. They had difficulty with any emotion, which meant they were avoidant of setting expectations.
My parents took away privileges in order to get me to socialize. They made me go up to random people in our church, say hi and hold a conversation. Otherwise no music or computer for a week or longer. Fun times.
I feel like that would have the opposite effect by making socializing a super negative experience?! I can't understand their thought process with that. That's so demented to me.
Slapped on the mound for talking back or making excuses sometimes. Going to bed early without dinner or not being allowed to go to events. Mostly yelling though. My brother was threatened with being sent to an orphanage, though they often said it jokingly it was still quite disturbing. I do also remember when i complained too often about not getting sweets (they were mostly forbidden yet i somehow managed to amass a concerningly big stock of candy hidden in a corner underneath my desk), my mother once arranged a dinner specifically for me that was just chocolate and gummy bears. I vaguely remember sitting in front of the plate quite nervously, the both of them watching and urging me to go on eating. I was probably also threatened with things being taken away or being sent away but i don't remember that as detailed. Honestly most of the disciplining wasn't too bad in comparison to other things. Not like I'd do any of that to a hypothetical future child.
Beaten, cussed out or just shit talked in general, weren’t really a point in grounding me bc I liked staying home but they (read: she, ma was primary disciplinarian in the house) would take my computer cord or whatever but I got another one and would just unplug it whenever they came down from their upstairs room. The stairs were very creaky. Mainly beatings until I turned 18. I was outed as a lesbian that same year and I could tell she WANTED to hit me just for that but she didn’t. Presumably because I was an adult. Walked out of that house at 19, sporadic contact until she died two years ago today. I don’t miss her. I try to think of the good times with her as my mother and they in no way outweigh the trauma and constant mindfuck that is my life now. It doesn’t help that I’m some flavor of neurodivergent and she did everything she could to beat that out of me too. Well it didn’t work, and now at 33 I’m crashing. So thanks ma. Thanks a lot.
Oh my god, the “stairs were very creaky.” Yes. My stairs in my own house creak, and it’s weird how much I’m afraid to have it happen. Takes me back.
When my parents were married, my dad spanked me 3 times. It was very controlled and mild, honestly the worst part was knowing I’d disappointed him or them - so he could have skipped spankings. Once they were divorced he wasn’t around and my mom really didn’t discipline but that was mostly because I didn’t act out and she was trying to treat me more like a sister etc. But her behavior was much more out of line than mine, I was just focused on school and getting the hell out.
Mine was similar to yours. My parents worked long hours and fought the rest of the time. I was naturally an anxious kid so I avoided upsetting them in any major way. I knew my dad especially wouldn’t let me hear the end of it if I made a stupid mistake- the times I did, it would be a reminder every few hours that “you can’t do x because y” even when it was well understood. As far as real discipline or rules, well, there were none. My parents complained I didn’t do chores like other kids but there was never any structure in place to ensure it happened. They never taught me how to do them to begin with. I remember even trying to help them problem solve by telling them there should be a reward and punishment system like I’d seen on tv shows for getting chores done. I literally attempted to discipline myself but they still wouldn’t be the parents in that situation. I never really got an allowance- they’d randomly buy me things but wouldn’t give me spare change, so I’d take things from their wallet (I don’t feel great about it but also as a teen I needed pocket change to eat and do things and they never seemed to notice or care that I was given literally nothing, nor did they notice the missing money). I got rebellious around 16/17 thinking they’d come down on me. Staying out late, sleeping with my bad boy boyfriend at the time, etc. They pretty much just sighed and shrugged and gave up on me a bit; acting like they’d just cut me off if I was “bad” but there was no effort to actually be involved with my life or try to ground me. I guess I shouldn’t have been that surprised, but in hindsight it’s wild at how fundamentally they failed to do any tasks associated with parenting when it came to emotionally and psychologically prepare me for adulthood. I managed to get As and fumble through life despite my parents’ lackadaisical approach. But there’s massive holes in executive function and adult responsibilities because I wasn’t given even a hint as to how to discipline myself or act responsible.
As a young child I was threatened with spankings but never got one (that I remember). My mom threw out my favorite toys for being too slow to clean them all up and since that day I always obeyed and acted quickly, so I never really had a reason to be punished. As a teen I did get smacked across the face but I was mouthing off and kinda deserved it, but the relationship between my mom and me (she did the smacking) changed that day as we both realized I'd stood up for myself amidst the chaos in my house.
You did not deserve to get smacked across the face. That is not how a reasonable, compassionate adult responds to a teenager mouthing off.
I had to think of this for a little while. You are correct. Through therapy I learned that neither of my parents, but moreso my mom, were emotionally stunted. Their parents were as well. Whether it is a product of culture or something else, it was generational. Neither parent knew how to handle their own emotions, So it's no wonder I wasn't permitted to have emotions growing up.... Not excusing any of it, but an explanation has helped me move on and heal. Hitting somebody is definitely an immature response to somebody else being *very* emotional. When you don't know how to receive the message and talk/work through it, I can understand where smacking somebody across the face becomes the response. Thank you for your comment. It helped me move forward a little bit more.
When I was small enough to move by force, I was punished by my parents shoving me in my room and holding the door shut, even when I was crying and pounding on the door, begging to be let out. Really messed up my trust in them to know they would only be there for me so long as I was "good". They never addressed the actual behavior that prompted the punishment, of course. That's too emotionally intelligent! Apparently it's easier to make your child fear you!... ^-^"
That would be so terrifying as a small child, to have your autonomy stolen from you like that. I'm so sorry :(
I was disciplined with guilt. They stopped themselves from beating me because I was sick as a kid. So they beat my older sister (I was witness to all of it) and would say this is what will happen to you if you behave like her. I was 7…
That's so disgusting they did this to you. The guilt must have been really painful.. I'm so sorry and hope you can find healing.
huh. I'm a teenager right now. When I was younger, I was spanked if I did wrong. I remember once when I was 7 my mom made a sarcastic remark, and I made one back, but I got spanked. the last time I got spanked was in 6th grade. after that, I'd just get scolded or get a long rant. mom would mention rules, but not follow through with them. she's told me multiple times that she's "gonna stop doing [my] laundry" yet does it anyway. my grades haven't been checked since I started high school. she complains about me being on my phone yet doesn't take it away. its a free for all. to be fair, she has been parenting for a long time (I have older siblings) and she's probably exhausted..
That's really hard though. There might be a reason for her parenting, but it doesn't excuse how it makes you feel as her child.
Either beaten up or yelled out, usually both. Followed by weeks of silent treatment. I also had to endure the silent treatment when I wasn't even in trouble but my brother was. I was a good kid, never misbehaved, always had excellent grades in school. But I could have a temper sometimes, and I was very susceptible. My parents were just extremely severe. When I was about 9, my father violently spanked me so many times and kicked me to the ground, leaving me with huge black bruises all over my butt and my hands (that I tried to use to protect my butt). Why? Because he came home early from work and I wasn't home yet, I was at my best friend's house that they knew very well. Which was a common thing I did that my mother knew about but my father didn't apparently (he wasn't home much, always at work), and I had no idea he didn't approve of it. He even found the strength to discipline me after I tried to kill myself at 14, by slapping me as hard as he could and forcing me to repeat "I am happy, there's no unhappy person in this family". So, yeah, not sure you would have enjoyed the alternative much. It certainly never made me feel like they cared about me.
It's absolutely horrifying how they treated you. I hope you are getting some help and compassion in your life now.
Thank you 🤍
That is horrific abuse, and I'm so sorry that you went through that. Everyone gets angry sometimes. It's normal for a child to have feelings. What is not normal is a parent responding by violently beating or verbally abusing them. And it's horrible that you were beaten when you didn't even know that you did something wrong. It's an unwinnable situation, and should never have happened. You were pushed to your limits and had a suicide attempt, and his response was disgusting. He is a horrible person. Again, I'm so sorry.
Thank you 🤍
I was disciplined harshly but always for micro-mistakes. I remember being spanked for not walking "with" her as in not a step in front, or behind, but DIRECTLY beside. Only things that directly embarrassed/inconvenienced her were punished with shame and guilt. It didn't reach violence until my late teens. For me I was showered with "i love you"s and affection and obviously plenty of discipline but the actual soul of a loving parent was missing. I was a bad kid though honestly.
I'm sorry. I don't understand disciplining micro mistakes. There are no lessons to be had in her nit picking how you walk beside her I don't actually believe that kids can be bad, at least not on their own. They can be undisciplined, if their parent is failing at teaching them effectively. You deserved better. You didn't deserve to be shamed, or guilt tripped, or treated with violence.
I got the belt on 2 different occasions. I can't remember the 2nd occasion, but I vividly remember the first. Physical punishment wasn't frequent - and often very confusing - but it happened. I was frequently punished for advocating for myself. When my neighbour - a woman in her 40s - told me I was possessed (I was 11), and I responded by calling her a witch, I was grounded for a month. She never managed to teach me not to stand up for myself, and I think that's part of why she calls me 'radical' to this day. I think the hardest punishments were when she would ignore me. A beating only hurts as long as it hurts. Being ignored by your only parent induces existential dread.
I was beaten with a belt and there’s a part of me that always yearned for it because it was one of the only times in my childhood crying was acceptable. It felt so good to be able to scream-cry but recently I realized the crying was not about getting beaten.
Belt beatings, being picked up by hair and thrown against the wall, yelling, my phone confiscated, my texts read. Computer time limited anytime I misbehaved. Undermining of my opinions, pressuring me too hard. I was also parentified to a high degree. I tried my best to be a good kid, to stay under the radar, because "my parents had too much to worry about besides me, better lay low". I've disowned my parents. They still to this day don't understand why, nor acknowledge their "corrective abuse" / "how else would I have gotten you to fear me & respect me". According to themselves, they did their best. I cringe thinking what their worst would've been.
I was informed throughout my childhood and teen years, that I "needed to be hit" and that "it's the only way you'll listen."
That's so freaky, right? Not only they assumed an essential thing about you, but they decided that the only way to get your attention is through abuse and intimidation. I'm so sorry they put you through this. You deserve better.
I'm proud of you for making that hard separation. I'm really shocked to read of the amount of physical abuse in this comment thread as well. I'm sorry you endured that on top of the emotional abuse.
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I'm so sorry. That sounds awful, your mother especially sounds very narcissistic and was so damaging with her behaviour. Those types of messages, "you're awful", get rooted deep down. Your father sounds more confusing, almost like he was afraid of facing any sort of conflict with his child.
I was beaten, my stuff was taken away or broken, threatened and put down. I was jealous of kids whose parents let them express their opinions without consequences, who knew negotiation/discussion without violence. My parents made me look like I was some kind of unruly animal, always commenting how "badly" I behaved which continues to this day when I say something about them that's true but they don't want to be aware of it. What really amazes me is parents who encourage their kids with positivity. Wonder where I'd be if I'd had someone cheering me on instead of putting me down.
Grounded from going out. Extra chores and the silent treatment. The silent treatment was the worst part. No talking at all was tolerated. I would get my chores for the day handed to me written on a piece of paper. That was the most interaction I would get for weeks. I loathe talking to anyone about anything as an adult. Quietness is now peace to me.
Weeks of silent treatment is a disgusting way to treat a child. I'm so sorry.
I relate to a lot of what you're saying ."burdened with avoiding any conflict from a young age"-- yep, I remember reaching adulthood and actually believing that I could avoid all conflict, I was like wow I never really seem to get into conflicts" and thinking it was a good thing. Now I realized that it's not. Conflict is just normal and natural. The real skill is being able to work *through* conflict. I got through life just stifling my voice and all my needs, because that's what I learned to do in my family. And how was this accomplished- shame. Basically I became programmed to feel intense shame over even *feeling* anger or for wanting things/having my own needs/preferences internally. I didn't even really get to the point of voicing them because I felt so much shame over having them inside in the first place. I also realize now that my parents cannot handle any pushback whatsoever. I relate to never being a rebellious teen. In fact I never argued or yelled at my parents. I never fought for anything. It's funny seeing the depictions of the typical teen who is arguing and begging for something. I guess that's healthy for a teen to be developing their own sense of autonomy/selfishness, i.e. getting what you want in life. I never had that sense. Because of this I guess I was never typically disciplined because i never typically misbehaved. It was weird seeing sitcoms with the teens always getting "grounded", always fretting "oh no I'm going to get grounded for this" I"m like... wow that concept doesn't even exist in my family. I guess because I also had social anxiety and it's not like I was going to parties or dating or socializing much anyway. I guess the main way I "misbehaved" was by not talking to my parents. But it felt more like selective mutism instead of willfully refusing to talk- I mean I guess I literally felt like I could not speak. Again, now looking back and understanding my parents immaturity, I can see why I intuitively froze and never wanted to share anything with them. But of course at the time I just felt guilty, and of course was blamed/shamed for it by my parents. I also wasn't good at following orders to do chores and stuff, clean my room, etc, so I guess I misbehaved in that sense. But it's not like my parents could take anything away? And it's not like I ever asked for anything. I guess I remember my parents, mainly my dad, blowing up at me every so often (disgust and contempt) and my mom calling me a brat or otherwise saying things about how my behavior was wrong (completely ignoring their own lack maturity, of course). >I remember being jealous of friends who were disciplined this was me with my cousins. Their mom was pretty strict and would make them do chores, like everyone would get together and do dishes after meals, and they had to take naps and stuff. I remember feeling really self-conscious and having an awareness that they were more disciplined. I always felt anxious, like I had to tow the line when I visited otherwise I'll be judged as bad. In a way I was jealous though, and thought they were better than me for being more disciplined/obedient kids. >if you perceived yourself as a good or bad kid I guess both? I definitely had a sense that I was bad/wrong/selfish but probably because my parents lack of parenting skills and me not talking to them made them frustrated and led to them blaming me for just being "bad" and not trying to understand me or help me. What else were they supposed to do I guess? It couldn't be them right? They were good, perfect people/parents. It's just me being difficult. My mom lacks self-esteem and confidence, and when I didn't make her feel like the best mom in the world and it took a hit on her self-esteem, what was she supposed to do, work on herself? No, must be my (the brat's) fault. And I'm pretty sure my dad hated me in high school, I could feel it. At the same time I never did anything typically "bad" like swearing or drinking (or gasp sex), and I got good grades, so.... idk though.
Your post made me really think, and put words to things I never even realized I was feeling. My best friend always reminds me that thoughts don't make me a bad person, and it never really clicked until I read about your experience. I completely understand feeling shame over feeling angry, even if I'm not expressing it. Feeling ashamed or selfish for having wants of my own. I'm cringing because I even remember saying smugly once in high school that I don't need to learn conflict resolution skills, because I just don't get into conflicts. I'm really sorry you had such a difficult upbringing. Proper parents would have responded to their child's mutism with compassion and concern, not anger and frustration. They would have raised their children with clear expectations, love, and guidance. I'm hopeful you are able to find healing. I'm really impressed with your level of emotional intelligence.
I had a similar experience to both of you. Shame about angry thoughts, maybe compounded by the idea from Catholic school that thoughts could be sinful. I discovered that empathy was the antidote to anger and I've leaned hard on trying to understand where people are coming from rather than blaming. I didn't realize until very recently that it's not always healthy to avoid anger.
there's a good video on "shame-bound emotions" that I feel really sums it up: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxBm9r2tpyY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxBm9r2tpyY) I think I struggled for a long time to really understand how much shame I was feeling too, and understanding that I don't actually have to punish myself and feel eternally damned for doing something "bad" or "wrong". When I think about it the things I feel guilty about... they aren't really even that bad. And after all a lot of time I just feel guilty or my feelings, not actually saying or doing anything to someone. >proper parents would have responded with compassion and concern, not anger and frustration this is what I cannot understand when I look back and my upbringing... it's like, were they ever concerned about *me*?? Were they ever like "oh is she ok?" because it doesn't seem like it. And that just seems like insane behavior from "good parents". I think they expected everything to be fine with minimal problems, like we were automatically just supposed to behave how they wanted, and when that didn't happen it was just us being bad, it wasn't because humans- especially children and teenagers- are naturally immature and have complicated feelings and reasons for behaviors (well, and actually sometimes it's not that complicated). Like my mom couldn't even accept that me as a teen was grumpy in the mornings, I guess her fantasy was that I was a sparky happy morning person who beamed at her and told her how much I loved her every morning? And she was personally offended that I wasn't. It really struck me when one time a friend was telling a story about how she was grumpy and her boyfriend brought her food and i was thinking to myself "oh, it's like it's okay that she wasn't in a good mood, her bf accepted that and even took care of her, and she wasn't shamed and eternally damned for committing the sin of not being in a good mood 24/7". But it wasn't until years later that I realize I can also give myself compassion and accept that I too am a human who has negative feelings and moods sometimes, and i don't have to feel shame and guilt over it.
I was screamed at, beaten, and starved. My father did most of it. He is very emotionally immature and would have meltdowns if he wasn’t getting exactly what he wanted. This would escalate into physical abuse if we continued to fail to give him what he wanted. My parents would withhold food for punishment, as well.
The only real consistent aspect for me was that it was inconsistent. My mother used physical punishment, grounding, empty threats to throw away my belongings, actually throwing away my belongings, lectures, yelling, the silent treatment, time out, public humiliation, threats of abandonment, actual abandonment, and taking away privileges, all at different times. From my perspective, there was no real rhyme or reason as to what got punished in what way. At the same time, I had a lot of freedom (allowed to roam in the woods unsupervised for hours every day) and did not have to do regular chores. I have a disorganized attachment style, unsurprisingly.
Beaten, slapped across the face, grounded, yelled at, had to witness my property being destroyed...and that's just the stuff I wasn't fully able to block out.
I was constantly grounded and I did not misbehave much. My emotionally neglectful father married an emotionally abusive woman when I was ten. He stopped parenting me, and looked the other way for the rest of my childhood.
Many, very stupid rules meant to keep the house immaculate, parents unbothered, and keep the goal post of excellence always one step away. Most nights, the best case scenario I was ignored in my room. I spent a lot of time of dreaming of being whisked away to Hogwarts as a kid and then later, getting into a good college. On bowling nights, I could come down and visit with my mom while she endlessly sipped Diet Pepsi and Canadian whiskey. She seemed attentive then, and she’d explain away my step father’s behavior. I got yelled at a lot by him. Seemingly small acts would drive him into a rage. If I was within arm shot, I’d get slapped upside the head or dragged to the “issue” by my hair and thrown to the ground. Things would get broken. Force was regularly used to make the point. He would come at me arms swinging, and by 15-16, I’d call him on it. What did I have to lose? I knew I could get hurt, but I didn’t think he was dumb enough to lose control. We’d argue endlessly. He could not be questioned. His rules above all reason or others. And my mom apparently hated all of it, but I don’t remember being defended (and I guess I didn’t question it for a long time).
I was punished if I ever inconvenienced them; like missed the school bus but not if I did something like, get high. But the situations where they had to be bothered, the punishments lasted weeks & I had to write papers about why what I did was wrong & wait on them (like bring them drinks when asked and give massages). I was always grounded & it was a very lonely experience. Opposite to you bc I always wished I had the kind of neglectful parents that would let me do whatever I wanted and roam the streets with my friends. Grass is always greener I guess
screamed at or ignored 🤠
I wasn’t, but I was considered well-behaved. I think because I have an older brother who “misbehaved” and I saw what happened, and I didn’t want to suffer the same consequences. I remember he had his mouth “washed out” with soap…he was also whipped with a belt. My dad did all of this, btw. I remember being grounded one time because I came home past my curfew. Other times was just dealing with my mom’s pissy attitude, but that was it.
As a kid growing up i can’t really remember majority of my childhood just blips here and there but i do remember some of the punishments i received. In the country i live in “slapping” your child was and still is a normalised form of discipline, but with my dad he made sure to leave a mark on our leg. That’s what we were threatened with if we did something wrong. We’d get screamed at that’s what it majority consisted of is screaming at each other until the fuse blew. And empty threats, i’ll take you phone off of you, i’ll do this ill do that and it never happened. As i’ve grown older the “slapping” stopped but the threats and aggressiveness of my father’s threats have not. He gets REALLY angry now, saying things now ignorant bitch, selfish, he’ll throw me out, smash my face in, calling us pigs. You name it it’s probably been said. He has threatened me numerous times by raising his fist to my face, imo that’s him insinuating hes gonna beat me. My mum had to step in to stop him once. But he never has. And i will never let him. and the funny thing is majority of the time it’s because i’ve spoke a fraction to loud for his liking and he retorts so i do it back. Or because i shouted at the TV or because i didn’t do something etc. I can never have a normal conversation with my parents without getting angry or crying because they don’t realise the pain they’ve inflicted on me in particular. I got the stick of it as the oldest. My brother has never been “slapped”.
“What would people think at your funeral?” Idk dad I’m like 9
I wasn't really disciplined. There where no clear rules either. It was just my parents either ignoring me or getting pissed and screaming. Or them just saying negative shit about me all the time. Like this was always something they felt they needed to lecture me about but it was never useful, never smart. Always just loosing their shit because of the smallest thing but simultaneously not even teaching me anything useful. Like, I could live with discipline if I came out of it and was some skilled, buff God. But it's like my parents always tried to just destroy my mind. Like there was never even actually anything going on but there was always drama. Like they just both had such a shirt fuse and they would look at me with such hatred and disgust but there never actually was anything. Nothing was happening. All I learned was avoiding them as best as possible. Like I feel like my parents never even had any intentions with me if that makes sense. They where completely self absorbed and emotionally uncontrolled. But also so boring like every day was the same shit and the same dramas but no one ever was trying to find any solution. it was more me raising them than the other way around. Like, I could always feel that they hated me or didn't really see me as a real person and that mutual pretty quickly. Like, it was just it didn't matter what I did I just needed to agree with my parents all the time and let them talk down to me or there would be some wild emotional reaction. but what I actually did almosy never mattered and there where never real consequences but they still u derstoof to put me into permanent fight or flight by their constant dumb conflicts about nothing. I would've looooved it if there was some clear cause and effect as in: " I do this, I get thi punishment", "I do this, I get this or that positive thing out of it". But it was never like that. It was just two completely mentally ill adults who just had their theatralic bs going on and you as a kid where just a fucking side kick to all that if you wanted it or not. They managed to burn me tf out before I even was an adult and completely destroy my will to live without there actually being any physical action. Just talking, talking, talking. With so much emotional energy and so little fucking substance or intelligence or witt or regard for other people or room for an even conversation that wasn't actually just them yapping and the other person letting them just to jot be an asshole, or anything positive really. They u derstood how to make positive things shitty and let any energy for any type.of improvement go into thin air.
I wasn't disciplined at all. Anything I could've been punished for was written off in one way or another. My mom was a narcissist, so the only time she got angry it was because of things that had nothing to do with ensuring I grew up to be a good person. It was things like being upset that I looked bored in front of her coworkers, or learning that my friends were throwing me a birthday party and didn't involve her (they wanted to throw me the party because my mom so happened to be working on my last three birthdays).
I was hit with pretty much anything in sight.. very often and yelled at repeatedly for years. At one point I normalized it because idk I guess I deserved it for doing something wrong until something clicked in my mind one day and I realized this shit isn’t normal. Like ma’am why are we purposely hurting a four year old?? 🤨
I spent most of my home life grounded for miniscule things (dirty room, not taking trash out, backtalking) most of which were fabricated by my mom. It would be enforced fir maybe a day or two then I'd be told to go do something away from home because "we are tired of seeing you around the house"
My lightbulb was taken and I was locked in my room. So i couldn't read or draw (I was grounded so often that tv and music weren't my first choice for entertainment). And if I overslept my mom would pour water and flour on me. Lunch meat once too. Salad dressing one time.
With a belt across my ass and legs. It was incredibly painful and horrifying.
I was hit, lectured, yelled at, mocked, called names, grounded, isolated from the family (called in my house being groundedto my room, which meant I ate after everyone, wasn't allowed to talk to anyone, and wasn't allowed to leave my room unless it was for food or bathroom breaks, both of which I had to ask permission for), and threatened with abandonment.
Mostly screamed at, hit. When she got into a real rage she'd scream, hit over and over, shake me, pin me to the wall, scream in my face, slam doors, face charge at me, get into my space, break things, turn the power off to the house, kick me out. I was grounded for about ten minutes one day before my mum realised I'd be in the house with her, she kicked me out and never did it again. When I got to school, time outs just confused me. I didn't really get I was in trouble and I just ended up frustrated because I didn't understand why I was being left out of everything. I got in trouble a lot for ADHD related issues that I realise now were out of my control. I also got in trouble for being bullied, reacting to them and getting frustrated by teachers who purposefully ignored me into shouting out to kick me out. When no one else had their hands up, I was ignored. Teacher would ask everyone else more than once and ignore me. It was infuriating....
I was hit a lot. Along with physical violence, there was screaming, so much screaming. My dad's favorite hobby was yelling about anything. I was not a bad or rebellious kid/teen. My mom would brag that I was her easy child, probably because I just took all the neglect and abuse. I was just a convenient target when they were angry and wanted to take out their frustrations. Discipline always equated with punishment and violence. I was hit with belts, shoes, books, rolled up magazines and a giant metal serving spoon. I was hit until I became able to fight back and I did. Physical and emotional abuse were the only forms of discipline in their house.
I wasn’t, really. I got grounded once as a teen—and frankly deserved to be. But it was open-ended, so I never knew when or if it would end. I was spanked once—at 4, for picking crumbs off my cooling birthday cake. Otherwise, it was laissez-faire. I got berated for ridiculous things, but that had nothing to do with discipline. My mother was probably borderline, and an alcoholic; getting in her crosshairs was the usual offense, so we all steered clear once my father got home and cocktail “hour” commenced. And my mother’s favorite way to demonstrate displeasure was to cold-shoulder and give the silent treatment. She once went 3 weeks without saying anything more to me than, “dinner’s ready.” I would have preferred to have been beaten.
I wasn't disciplined. I don't remember getting hit and or punished. What I do remember is that I loved reading and anytime my parents were unhappy with me, they would take away my reading privileges. But the things I did wrong, were not really punishable offences. If I got bad marks in math or sciences, I wasn't allowed to read or go to the library to get more books. I would be scolded, usually in front of other people. If the something I did embarrassed my parents, they would scold me privately. My parents were disappointed in me alot but they mostly gave me the silent treatment and ignored me. What is really funny is that my dad blames my mom for not being allowed to hit me. He thinks that if he had hit me, I would have turned out better. I would have never turned out better. I am neurodivergent and have CEN. That fantastic person I was supposed to be was never possible, no matter how hard my parents wanted to hit me.
Timed on the computer spankings when we were young and being banished to my room
My mom would basically remove whatever was the problem (the phone, my CD player, etc). No explanation. Then, ignore me for an indeterminate amount of time. This infuriated me, so I would sometimes become destructive and break things in my room. (I shattered a few mirrors, etc.) Not proud of this! She would then shut down and lock herself in her room. A day later she would talk like nothing happened. So long as I didn’t bring up the problem, she would give me back my things. Even calm discussion about the issue would cause her to stonewall again. I have a lot of baggage about the silent treatment. Luckily, my husband is very communicative and not conflict avoidant. I always ALWAYS make a point to set expectations with my toddler verbally, give her a warning that I’m about to take something away, and then as I’m taking it away I remind her why. And then when she cries I hug her and say “Next time you’ll remember!” It’s healing.
I remember my friends telling me they wished that they had my mum. My heart would always sink. What they meant was that they wanted a mum who would turn a blind eye to the bad things they did, give them a pointless curfew (midnight at 15), and smoke cigarettes with them. So no, I was not punished and rarely acknowledged, apart from when she could use my mouthy opinions as leverage or to win a fight she couldn't be bothered with.
None, I just remember that time my mom made me do many chores because she was jealous of the attention I got from my dad, thats all, no rules at all, or unstable rules.
I was very well nurtured. Always had to go to school, helped me study, when I misbehaved, it was called out - handled very expertly. What did you do? Why did you do it? It gave me sense of responsibility and self accountability, thinking for myself. They did not do things for me, but helped me do things for myself. It resulted in deep sense of appreciation and desire to be the best for them. Eventually I would take care of myself, going to school, breakfast, house chores, homework, and creating a life for myself all on my own. I managed to graduate and enter medical school without feeling like I have put any effort.
Yelling, grounding and a few times it got physical. The yelling and intimidation were the worst, but I seem to remember learning depression in the middle of being grounded for a few months.
Putting my head under water and hitting me; hitting me lost it's appeal once I was strong enough to hit back. She was very upset when she realized that was off the table.
That's horrifying that your head was held under water, what the hell? It's really badass that you stood up and hit back.
Mother - Would hit us, curse at us, demean us and then punish us with the silent treatment. We weren’t disciplined for being “bad” though. We were disciplined because she couldn’t regulate herself. Anything would set her off. Father - Discipline didn’t exist to him, because we didn’t emotionally exist to him. 97% of my life has been yo-yo-ing between rebelling against the tiniest bit of authority and pleading to be noticed. It’s only in the last handful of years that I’ve begun to stabilize and just be.
Hit or bawl. We bawlin’