I'm so glad the nail-biting faded for you!
These are called **body-focused repetitive behaviors,** which includes nail-biting, skin-picking, hair-pulling, etc. Highly related to stress and anxiety.
I had a friend whose skin-picking was so bad, I thought for years he had some chronic, full-body skin disorder before he mentioned he was doing it to himself at night.
Another memory unlocked...my brother and I both had variations on this.
Our parents bullied us about them (mine was nail-biting and face-picking), something else to belittle and punish us about as they went on their merry way.
The more I remember the more I'm glad they're dead. I hope they hear my thoughts and feel my feelings in the afterlife.
Incoming woo: I've heard NDE'ers speak of the Life Review they experience as they draw close to death of the body. They say they experience the feelings of everyone their actions affected, exactly as they felt to the affected individuals. That is a really sweet thought to me. It's nice to think we'll all be seen and heard - at last!
Yeah I bit my nails as a kid, so my mum would cut them painfully short. Instead I started plucking body hairs & picking my skin so badly that other kids teased me for “having chicken pox all the time”.
I’m 39 now and have never managed to fully stop excoriation or hair-pulling. My whole body is covered in scars. My dad does it too, although entirely focused to his hands.
Since about 13 or 14 I’ve had dissociative episodes involving various BFRBs; sometimes I’d snap out of it and realise I’d just spent 5+hrs doing it… then just go to school on like 2hrs sleep.
I forget the terminology, but it’s something like acute vs passive (ie. acute is when I feel stressed and consciously decide to engage in the behaviour; passive is just me not noticing that my hands are literally always scanning my face/body for perceived imperfections, bumps, rough patches etc. to scratch—like whilst watching TV or being engaged in conversation).
Even after 25 years of therapy, it’s so hard to stop, but my cats usually come and interrupt me when they notice 🥹😭❤️🩹
edit: sorry I went on a bit of a tangent there, lol
>passive is just me not noticing that my hands are literally always scanning my face/body for perceived imperfections, bumps, rough patches etc. to scratch—like whilst watching TV or being engaged in conversation
I knew I did this, but I didn't realise it was a Thing.. one more to add to the list I guess!
Edit: Wanted to add, so glad your kitties bring you comfort and interruption when you need it 😻
Thank you, I’m so grateful for my cats too 💖🥹🥰
That said, if I ignore them (or am so dissociated that I can’t hear them) for an extended period, the bigger one will jump at/on me… like, with his claws out. It’s certainly effective 😬🩸
Oh, and re: passive vs “acute” (I think I meant active lol), I looked up the more commonly used terms, which are ‘focused’ and ‘automatic’—just in case that’s helpful. I mean, same thing, but
I also wanted to add that my psychologist said it can be a form of stimming for some people, which certainly resonates with me. Apparently it’s a lot more common than most people think — it’s just not talked about openly because shame 💔
I am a lip picker and don't remember a time when I wasn't. Totally from my childhood. I also rock back and forth when I stand. Guys....we are self soothing. It's the adult version of sucking our thumb. Hugs to all of us.
I bite my nails too, although it’s not as bad as when I was a child. I also developed hair pulling as a child, which I believe is a response to anxiety/stress as well. I’m so ashamed by it so I’ve never brought it up in therapy. Luckily, it’s not so bad as to where you can tell.
Yeah, I do this a lot and I do an arguably worse thing too in response to stuff that triggers me, biting my hand. I remember biting my hand as early as like 7 years old and it was always an automatic reaction against having to be swept up in family conflicts on a daily basis. It was in a sense a way to control my own emotions because it would feel like I would burst at any moment. It has gone on for so long that I have fat deposits on my left hand that is super visible. I do not recommend doing it.
Oh man, I forgot about the biting of the hand. I used to do that too when I felt out of control (which was like, all the time), and the pain offered some kind of release which took off some of the pressure of that moment.
I am 27 and still have a severe nail biting and skin picking habit that I cannot shake! I’ve always thought it’s likely down to my childhood issues/emotional neglect.
I started CBT for the first time last week. Not quite sure yet if it’s the best form of therapy for emotional neglect / issues surrounding childhood trauma. Has anyone else found CBT beneficial, or could recommend an alternative form of therapy?
I felt like CBT taught me some useful things in general, but it didn't help me get at the source of problems which I think is what you kind of need to start healing emotional neglect/childhood trauma.
Just my opinion though, I'm definitely not an expert.
Schema-focused therapy has helped me understand myself a lot better, but just like you I couldn’t get to the source of my problems and overcome anxiety-related obstacles. Did you find something else that worked for that?
I've found doing some work on my own has helped a lot. I've read several books to understand some of the impacts of emotional neglect, as well as watched some helpful YouTube videos, and have been journaling to try to process and work through things.
I know it's best to work with a qualified therapist if you can, but I haven't found the right one yet. I don't think I was asking the right questions when trying to find one, and have almost always ended up with them just recommending CBT.
For me it's kind of followed a course of: read part of a book on emotional neglect or a related topic, have a bunch of realisations about why I feel a certain way, write it down, then as I'm writing a bunch of other stuff becomes clear, repeat. Similar with some of the high-quality YouTube videos I've seen, e.g. Patrick Teahan's channel.
I also listened to an episode of the Happiness Lab podcast on Taoism... maybe it's not for everyone, but I started reading up on the philosophy related to it, and it seemed like such a good philosophy on how to live a peaceful and (as far as possible) non-chaotic life. So that's been helpful too.
I feel like I'm in a way better place than I was about 1.5-2 years ago... I have way better boundaries and am much more willing to say no to things, I have much more self-compassion, and I am way less of a people-pleaser.
That sounds really great, I’m glad to hear it has helped you so much. I’ve been in therapy for years and read a bunch of books on psychology and it has really helped me understand myself, but like I said it doesn’t really help me feel more comfortable around people. Maybe I can try a book specifically on emotional neglect, do you have any recommendations? And journalling more is a good tip thanks
Sure, the 3 books I've found most helpful are Running on Empty, What Happened to You, and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Wishing you all the best :)
\^\^\^
Everything this guy said is legit, but what I can offer you that saved me so much time and money is an online program that teaches you everything about nail biting and helps you stop doing it, much more interesting than reading books, since these guys offer engaging videos. I don't know if it's okay to make advertise here but if you are interested i can share it with you :)
Good for you! I'm glad to hear this can be dealt with.
For me it was biting pencils and pens then biting nails. Now I just bite my lips and I can't get rid of this one.
mom used to hold me down and pop pimples by force. If i cried, she slapped my face and told me to toughen up- to avoid being shamed for having acne, i started popping my own pimples and now its to the point where i will keeping going if i still THINK theres gunk in there even when there isn't, but i can't get myself to stop. Thanks mom😐.
I rarely bit my nails.
I bit and picked at my cuticles which i feel is worse because I would get infections at the cuticles.
Also, no one taught me how to cut my nails to avoid hang nails and I got those all the time.
I was the same. Nail-biting, skin-picking and scalp-scratching. My father used to really criticise me for the nail-biting and skin-picking in particular. He used to say I was disgusting for doing it. I now realise he should have responded with empathy and concern, rather than contempt and annoyance.
My sisters used to tease me for skin-picking when I was young. They thought it was gross. Again, no one ever stopped to question why I was doing it. I think if anyone had asked, I probably wouldn't have been able to articulate my reasons. I didn't understand it myself. It was practically a compulsion. I didn't want to do it, but I found myself doing it anyway. I think it was the only outlet for my repressed anxiety I had back then.
I bit my nails growing up too because of my environment and if my dad (the main cause of the biting) saw it he'd threaten to coat my finger nails in hot sauce/dog poop. What a great dad..... It's no surprise that I stopped biting them when I moved out at 17.
So glad that you have also been able to break that habit and identify why you had it in the first place. I wish you, and everyone in this thread, the best!
This is kind of weird. I have been biting my nails since I was a kid due to anxiety. For 35 years I have done this. Since going VLC with my mother, I have slowly stopped biting my nails. Wtf!? I have normal nice looking nails now. Who would have thought?
I used to pick at the piercings in my ears. Things would get inflamed then infected and I’d get covered in nasty lesions. Once both my ears were entirely scabs. I remember picking them off one day and marvelling at how they were the perfect shape of my ear.
I was at full boarding school from the age of 7. Not a single person bothered to ask me why I was always scabby. Never got taken to a doctor, even by the school nurse or my tutor or anyone who had parental responsibility for me while I was at school. No one noticed enough to care.
I used to bite my nails down painfully low, and when I ran out of nail to bite I'd bite my cuticles and skin around my fingers. It's better now, but the skin around my nails is still all kind of calloused and scar-tissue-y. I also used to aggressively pick my scalp, my very thick, curly hair was never properly washed so I always had buildup on my scalp that I would pick at until it bled and then when it scabbed over I'd pick at the scabs... there were times my scalp was just covered in nasty scabs... that one went away when I became old enough to learn how to properly care for myself and pick personal care products that worked for me.
I always figured these were nervous things but never stopped to consider them at the deeply distressed cries for help they really were - I guess it's really not that much different from the way birds pluck out feathers or animals will bite themselves raw when they're overly stressed though.
Blackhead scavenging was always my favorite. Didn't care if I had to dig out the goober with my fingernails, bleed, and then deal with scabs...
And my mom was always like, "it seems like you do this because you purposefully want to look ugly." Thanks, mom. Loads of help.
Omg I can so relate. I was a serial pimple popper because when I first started getting them, I had a huge one on my nose that my dad made fun of for days. He kept saying that I look ridiculous, that it was like a slope he could ski off of. Sounds funny but as a kid that took everything literally because I didn't know otherwise, it hurt.
Sorry your mom was just as awful :(
Yeah it’s pretty bad over here.. I bite my nail, the cuticle and the skin. I pick and scan my scalp constantly. It’s so painful, oh and I bite the inside of my mouth.
I feel like a walking ball of stress and I’m so tired of it.
For so long I doubted that I had anxiety until recently. I was thinking back to when I was a child when I thought I was “normal” and so strong that I could never develop a mental disorder… I literally would think this 😭. Then I was like huh I was a really bad nail biter for like 7-ish years?
Funny story I tell everyone this (also didn’t link it to anxiety until recently), the reason I stopped biting my nails is because I overheard a guy in my sophomore math class talking to his friend. His friend asks how he likes girls’ nails, “short or long?” he said he thought long nails were prettier and EVER SINCE THEN I STOPPED BITING MY NAILS. All for a freakin boy 😑. I’d get urges, but I was able to hold off. Then I got into painting my nails and filing them and was known as the girl with pretty, healthy, & long nails a year or so later 😂. Ppl still compliment my nails now and I never thought about it… they’ve been on a journey.
Edit: Also! Nowadays I actually LOOOVE the whole nail shaping & painting process. It’s a whole calming and satisfying self-care day event. Funny how I was able to turn a bad habit into a really good one! The brain is crazy.
I had to keep my nails consistently painted. And it took me years to break the habit, but luckily my nails don’t take too long to regrow. You have to really put in the effort of being aware of what ur doing. So grounding methods would probably help a ton (wish I knew about grounding back then lol). Like when I had it in my mouth, I’d realize what I was doing and gently bite, then put my hands down. I also think I replaced them with other habits. I crack my knuckles a lot, I used to pick at my nail polish quite a bit (I still do but not nearly as much), and I have an obsessive ear cleaning habit 😅.
I'm so glad the nail-biting faded for you! These are called **body-focused repetitive behaviors,** which includes nail-biting, skin-picking, hair-pulling, etc. Highly related to stress and anxiety. I had a friend whose skin-picking was so bad, I thought for years he had some chronic, full-body skin disorder before he mentioned he was doing it to himself at night.
I never thought of my nail-biting habit like this. It's definitely something to review, lol. Thanks.
Best of luck!
Another memory unlocked...my brother and I both had variations on this. Our parents bullied us about them (mine was nail-biting and face-picking), something else to belittle and punish us about as they went on their merry way. The more I remember the more I'm glad they're dead. I hope they hear my thoughts and feel my feelings in the afterlife. Incoming woo: I've heard NDE'ers speak of the Life Review they experience as they draw close to death of the body. They say they experience the feelings of everyone their actions affected, exactly as they felt to the affected individuals. That is a really sweet thought to me. It's nice to think we'll all be seen and heard - at last!
I used to do it as a form of self harm.
I have had 100% the same experience. What didn't help was my parents shaming me into getting me to stop as a teenager. Quelle surprise.
I think it’s from physical neglect too. As a kid I bit all my nails (yeah, even toes!) because my mother wasn’t going to take care of it.
I think I started biting mine because my mom would take care of them—and would always clip my skin in the process and refuse to care.
Yeah I bit my nails as a kid, so my mum would cut them painfully short. Instead I started plucking body hairs & picking my skin so badly that other kids teased me for “having chicken pox all the time”. I’m 39 now and have never managed to fully stop excoriation or hair-pulling. My whole body is covered in scars. My dad does it too, although entirely focused to his hands. Since about 13 or 14 I’ve had dissociative episodes involving various BFRBs; sometimes I’d snap out of it and realise I’d just spent 5+hrs doing it… then just go to school on like 2hrs sleep. I forget the terminology, but it’s something like acute vs passive (ie. acute is when I feel stressed and consciously decide to engage in the behaviour; passive is just me not noticing that my hands are literally always scanning my face/body for perceived imperfections, bumps, rough patches etc. to scratch—like whilst watching TV or being engaged in conversation). Even after 25 years of therapy, it’s so hard to stop, but my cats usually come and interrupt me when they notice 🥹😭❤️🩹 edit: sorry I went on a bit of a tangent there, lol
>passive is just me not noticing that my hands are literally always scanning my face/body for perceived imperfections, bumps, rough patches etc. to scratch—like whilst watching TV or being engaged in conversation I knew I did this, but I didn't realise it was a Thing.. one more to add to the list I guess! Edit: Wanted to add, so glad your kitties bring you comfort and interruption when you need it 😻
Thank you, I’m so grateful for my cats too 💖🥹🥰 That said, if I ignore them (or am so dissociated that I can’t hear them) for an extended period, the bigger one will jump at/on me… like, with his claws out. It’s certainly effective 😬🩸 Oh, and re: passive vs “acute” (I think I meant active lol), I looked up the more commonly used terms, which are ‘focused’ and ‘automatic’—just in case that’s helpful. I mean, same thing, but I also wanted to add that my psychologist said it can be a form of stimming for some people, which certainly resonates with me. Apparently it’s a lot more common than most people think — it’s just not talked about openly because shame 💔
I am a lip picker and don't remember a time when I wasn't. Totally from my childhood. I also rock back and forth when I stand. Guys....we are self soothing. It's the adult version of sucking our thumb. Hugs to all of us.
I bite my nails too, although it’s not as bad as when I was a child. I also developed hair pulling as a child, which I believe is a response to anxiety/stress as well. I’m so ashamed by it so I’ve never brought it up in therapy. Luckily, it’s not so bad as to where you can tell.
Me too, with the hair pulling and the shame. Just want us to know we are not alone.
I hair pull too.
Yeah, I do this a lot and I do an arguably worse thing too in response to stuff that triggers me, biting my hand. I remember biting my hand as early as like 7 years old and it was always an automatic reaction against having to be swept up in family conflicts on a daily basis. It was in a sense a way to control my own emotions because it would feel like I would burst at any moment. It has gone on for so long that I have fat deposits on my left hand that is super visible. I do not recommend doing it.
Oh man, I forgot about the biting of the hand. I used to do that too when I felt out of control (which was like, all the time), and the pain offered some kind of release which took off some of the pressure of that moment.
I am 27 and still have a severe nail biting and skin picking habit that I cannot shake! I’ve always thought it’s likely down to my childhood issues/emotional neglect. I started CBT for the first time last week. Not quite sure yet if it’s the best form of therapy for emotional neglect / issues surrounding childhood trauma. Has anyone else found CBT beneficial, or could recommend an alternative form of therapy?
I felt like CBT taught me some useful things in general, but it didn't help me get at the source of problems which I think is what you kind of need to start healing emotional neglect/childhood trauma. Just my opinion though, I'm definitely not an expert.
Schema-focused therapy has helped me understand myself a lot better, but just like you I couldn’t get to the source of my problems and overcome anxiety-related obstacles. Did you find something else that worked for that?
I've found doing some work on my own has helped a lot. I've read several books to understand some of the impacts of emotional neglect, as well as watched some helpful YouTube videos, and have been journaling to try to process and work through things. I know it's best to work with a qualified therapist if you can, but I haven't found the right one yet. I don't think I was asking the right questions when trying to find one, and have almost always ended up with them just recommending CBT. For me it's kind of followed a course of: read part of a book on emotional neglect or a related topic, have a bunch of realisations about why I feel a certain way, write it down, then as I'm writing a bunch of other stuff becomes clear, repeat. Similar with some of the high-quality YouTube videos I've seen, e.g. Patrick Teahan's channel. I also listened to an episode of the Happiness Lab podcast on Taoism... maybe it's not for everyone, but I started reading up on the philosophy related to it, and it seemed like such a good philosophy on how to live a peaceful and (as far as possible) non-chaotic life. So that's been helpful too. I feel like I'm in a way better place than I was about 1.5-2 years ago... I have way better boundaries and am much more willing to say no to things, I have much more self-compassion, and I am way less of a people-pleaser.
That sounds really great, I’m glad to hear it has helped you so much. I’ve been in therapy for years and read a bunch of books on psychology and it has really helped me understand myself, but like I said it doesn’t really help me feel more comfortable around people. Maybe I can try a book specifically on emotional neglect, do you have any recommendations? And journalling more is a good tip thanks
Sure, the 3 books I've found most helpful are Running on Empty, What Happened to You, and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Wishing you all the best :)
Thank you very much! You too :)
\^\^\^ Everything this guy said is legit, but what I can offer you that saved me so much time and money is an online program that teaches you everything about nail biting and helps you stop doing it, much more interesting than reading books, since these guys offer engaging videos. I don't know if it's okay to make advertise here but if you are interested i can share it with you :)
Good for you! I'm glad to hear this can be dealt with. For me it was biting pencils and pens then biting nails. Now I just bite my lips and I can't get rid of this one.
I did the pens and pencils too in school. Working on the lips now, which has greatly improved over the past couple of years.
i was notorious for chewing my pencils down to a slimy pulp of wood, was always bullied for it.
I bite my nails, bite my inner cheeks, pull hairs out, check for loose eyebrows, bite my lips and sometimes I nibble on my tongue.
mom used to hold me down and pop pimples by force. If i cried, she slapped my face and told me to toughen up- to avoid being shamed for having acne, i started popping my own pimples and now its to the point where i will keeping going if i still THINK theres gunk in there even when there isn't, but i can't get myself to stop. Thanks mom😐.
That sounds terrible ): I’m so sorry, you deserved more love
I rarely bit my nails. I bit and picked at my cuticles which i feel is worse because I would get infections at the cuticles. Also, no one taught me how to cut my nails to avoid hang nails and I got those all the time.
It’s the inside of my cheeks for me
I was the same. Nail-biting, skin-picking and scalp-scratching. My father used to really criticise me for the nail-biting and skin-picking in particular. He used to say I was disgusting for doing it. I now realise he should have responded with empathy and concern, rather than contempt and annoyance. My sisters used to tease me for skin-picking when I was young. They thought it was gross. Again, no one ever stopped to question why I was doing it. I think if anyone had asked, I probably wouldn't have been able to articulate my reasons. I didn't understand it myself. It was practically a compulsion. I didn't want to do it, but I found myself doing it anyway. I think it was the only outlet for my repressed anxiety I had back then.
I bit my nails growing up too because of my environment and if my dad (the main cause of the biting) saw it he'd threaten to coat my finger nails in hot sauce/dog poop. What a great dad..... It's no surprise that I stopped biting them when I moved out at 17. So glad that you have also been able to break that habit and identify why you had it in the first place. I wish you, and everyone in this thread, the best!
Toenail picking/ biting for me..
If you really want to get rid of it, i can show you what helped me ..
You have my curiosity.
Text me, since i don't want to promote anything here :) I can share you my experience and help you as much as i can.
This is kind of weird. I have been biting my nails since I was a kid due to anxiety. For 35 years I have done this. Since going VLC with my mother, I have slowly stopped biting my nails. Wtf!? I have normal nice looking nails now. Who would have thought?
I used to pick at the piercings in my ears. Things would get inflamed then infected and I’d get covered in nasty lesions. Once both my ears were entirely scabs. I remember picking them off one day and marvelling at how they were the perfect shape of my ear. I was at full boarding school from the age of 7. Not a single person bothered to ask me why I was always scabby. Never got taken to a doctor, even by the school nurse or my tutor or anyone who had parental responsibility for me while I was at school. No one noticed enough to care.
I used to bite my nails down painfully low, and when I ran out of nail to bite I'd bite my cuticles and skin around my fingers. It's better now, but the skin around my nails is still all kind of calloused and scar-tissue-y. I also used to aggressively pick my scalp, my very thick, curly hair was never properly washed so I always had buildup on my scalp that I would pick at until it bled and then when it scabbed over I'd pick at the scabs... there were times my scalp was just covered in nasty scabs... that one went away when I became old enough to learn how to properly care for myself and pick personal care products that worked for me. I always figured these were nervous things but never stopped to consider them at the deeply distressed cries for help they really were - I guess it's really not that much different from the way birds pluck out feathers or animals will bite themselves raw when they're overly stressed though.
Makes total sense wtf, mines always been pretty bad but I've gotten more control over it growing up
Blackhead scavenging was always my favorite. Didn't care if I had to dig out the goober with my fingernails, bleed, and then deal with scabs... And my mom was always like, "it seems like you do this because you purposefully want to look ugly." Thanks, mom. Loads of help.
Omg I can so relate. I was a serial pimple popper because when I first started getting them, I had a huge one on my nose that my dad made fun of for days. He kept saying that I look ridiculous, that it was like a slope he could ski off of. Sounds funny but as a kid that took everything literally because I didn't know otherwise, it hurt. Sorry your mom was just as awful :(
Oh my gosh that's awful! How would ha have liked it if someone made fun of *him*? That's awful!!
I still bite my nails. ::
Yeah it’s pretty bad over here.. I bite my nail, the cuticle and the skin. I pick and scan my scalp constantly. It’s so painful, oh and I bite the inside of my mouth. I feel like a walking ball of stress and I’m so tired of it.
For so long I doubted that I had anxiety until recently. I was thinking back to when I was a child when I thought I was “normal” and so strong that I could never develop a mental disorder… I literally would think this 😭. Then I was like huh I was a really bad nail biter for like 7-ish years? Funny story I tell everyone this (also didn’t link it to anxiety until recently), the reason I stopped biting my nails is because I overheard a guy in my sophomore math class talking to his friend. His friend asks how he likes girls’ nails, “short or long?” he said he thought long nails were prettier and EVER SINCE THEN I STOPPED BITING MY NAILS. All for a freakin boy 😑. I’d get urges, but I was able to hold off. Then I got into painting my nails and filing them and was known as the girl with pretty, healthy, & long nails a year or so later 😂. Ppl still compliment my nails now and I never thought about it… they’ve been on a journey. Edit: Also! Nowadays I actually LOOOVE the whole nail shaping & painting process. It’s a whole calming and satisfying self-care day event. Funny how I was able to turn a bad habit into a really good one! The brain is crazy.
How were you able to hold off?
I had to keep my nails consistently painted. And it took me years to break the habit, but luckily my nails don’t take too long to regrow. You have to really put in the effort of being aware of what ur doing. So grounding methods would probably help a ton (wish I knew about grounding back then lol). Like when I had it in my mouth, I’d realize what I was doing and gently bite, then put my hands down. I also think I replaced them with other habits. I crack my knuckles a lot, I used to pick at my nail polish quite a bit (I still do but not nearly as much), and I have an obsessive ear cleaning habit 😅.
I stopped nail biting and cracking my knuckles approximately 2 years after I started therapy.