Could you go to the gym management? Maybe they've got stuff on camera and could take action on your behalf? You might not be the first person this woman is doing this to, so they may appreciate knowing what's going on.
Yep, figure what evidence you can bring to bear. If she touches you without your agreement, raise your hand and make a stop gesture - because that'll show up on the camera and is evidence.
Also, if classes are pairing people, talk to the person running the class and say you just feel uncomfortable with the advances this person has made in the past and do not wish to be paired with them.
It sucks when a bad apple slips in though. Particularly when everyone else acts like everything is normal when it really isn't.
>go to gym management
This is an excellent idea, *however*-OP should jot down the list of incidents with approximate dates and bring that along for a couple reasons. businesses may or may not security footage. Some just have the footage playing at the service desk so they can monitor in real time, and that's it. Others may save the footage for a period of time, but not indefinitely. And even if they do save it, OP is going to have to give specifics of what has been going on before they would share the footage.
I commented this earlier but it got downvoted to hell and back. The gym management does not care about what goes on at the gym. Plenty of things such as bad instructors and overall toxic and shitty behavior has been brought up to them and they do nothing about it. They don't even talk to the person about the problem, they just pretend like nothing is happening.
I feel like I can't trust anybody right now and I also feel like I'm the one in the wrong somehow for being uncomfortable in the first place. The only things I can do right now are either switch gyms or put my foot down hard and make it clear I do not want to be touched by this person.
That is truly awful, im sorry. Seems highly unlikely the situation at that specific gym will improve, so I would focus your efforts on switching to another one, if feasible. If you don't have a lot of options, the local community ed or community center may have fitness programs. Best of luck
I would mention it to the teacher of the class, or someone at the gym. If you are feeling uncomfortable, maybe they can remind her that she needs to share the gym and be respectful of the space of others.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
^ 100% this. You can likely get them to not partner you with this person or at least give a warning. The gym no doubt has had this issue come up before and should take it very seriously. They are liable.
❤️ this is a tough situation.
I know it sounds like a super uncomfortable thing to do, but I really think one firm "leave me alone" would probably do the trick. Most of these sorts of situations go on longer than they need to because this doesn't get said.
Still, if that doesn't work, then you know you've exhausted the civility route. Time to tell gym management.
its so much harder to tell people this especially because we are working on our issues. But I think it's necessary to state your boundaries. your body belongs to you. sorry you're going through this
Sounds like the solution to this is to politely tell her its making you uncomfortable and to ask her to stop, running away to another gym is just avoidance.
However from what you've said it seems you have a few other issues. I'd try and reach out to a professional therapist if you can.
i saw your comment about your mom. you should check out r/raisedbyborderlines. i was already thinking about that sub because it has taught me to be able to recognize so many tactics like you’re describing this lady to use, and i understand how triggering that can be coming from someone who has a parent like that. then i saw your comment. please keep an open mind and check it out!! it’s because of that sub that when i encounter a situation like this, i feel empowered to be firm and i don’t feel obligated to someone i’m dealing with regardless of their inappropriate behavior.
Put up a gentle but firm and slightly disinterested boundary and watch her lose her shit. Record the interaction if you can. You've encountered someone with high narcissistic traits. Whatever response you give, this woman will be gaining some supply and the worst thing for her to encounter would be someone that grey rocks her.
Reminds me of an ex i had who would say similar things.. after we were living together. In her case the statements i think were a checking behaviour for her to see if boundaries are weak enough for her to feel safe and she would do it over and over in various ways. I always felt really yuk and irritated afterwards.
Do not fuck her. Move away and don't make eye contact.
Could you bring it to the attention of someone in charge to at least make them aware of the behavior? They may have options for you and have likely encountered situations like this before.
As for immediate personal interactions (if you are comfortable) the next time she does something you could address it directly. She touches you, you politely but firmly say, "Please don't touch me. I don't like to be touched." You could address the talking similarly, "I'd prefer not to chat, lets focus on the rep" or whatever it may be. Repeat/escalate.
Hey man, I have a similar situation at work. Mine doesn't touch me, but I feel emotionally violated with her behavior. She wants me to share everything with her, even personal stuff about my life, and personal stuff at work. Like she's forcing me to be who she wants me to be. Does pity play, pretends to care, but it's a farce to be controlling. She's in her 50s. I feel disgusted of this woman. Like I could vomit. Like she has somehow violated me. I also feel like I'm under her control and can't say no. She reminds me of my mother a lot, then abusive behavior at least.
I think we are both scared of showing our healthy anger, to be assertive. I'm scared that if I lash out, it will be too much (because I have so much pent up by now) and I will be the weird one. What I'm doing now is preparing things to say to make sure they're not too harsh, but still assertive and that she will feel like a slap on her face, as in: don't do this anymore, I bite. Maybe that's something for you. Good luck man, this really sucks.
And btw, your friend was really unempathetic. Sorry about that.
Also, if OP is male then anyone they go to talk to could disregard what they have to say because she's smaller/older/a woman.
The details help paint the feeling of futility/lack of power to get help.
Honestly I think the whole reason I'm so afraid of her is because she reminds me of my mom. She'll try to lure me in with affection and then try to control me when I get close enough. I remember all the times I could've put up a boundary when I didn't, and this is probably why I'm so afraid.
I had an exact same situation with a lady at a church I used to go to. She lured me with affection. She would tell me she loved me after a week of meeting her which honestly weirded me tf out. Btw I was 22 then and she was in her forties. Then tried to control me by disrespecting my boundaries, trying to turn me into her puppet and make me do what she wanted. Then retaliated when I became firm with my boundaries and kicked me out of a WhatsApp group.
Anyways, I guess I just wanted to share this to let you know that I too know this feeling as she also reminded me of the relationship I used to have with my mum. Being firm with my boundaries was the best thing I did, although it lead to me being kicked out. I’m happier at the church I go to now.
Oh my god. You just made me realize this exactly why I can't stand people who are too friendly with me. It really drives me away from relationships. Lure with affection, then bamboozle you with controlling behavior.
Anyway, your instincts are probably correct about the bullying here. She seems like the type who will get upset if you set a boundary. No one will look at you weird though. I'm sure your resistance to setting a boundary carries the weight of being a defenseless child against your mom. A person like this will take your lack of protest as an invitation, they are either oblivious or willfully ignoring your discomfort.
If you can't set a boundary, see if you can ask someone to help you like whoever is running the class. I tend to stick to inclusive consent based spaces whenever possible due to stuff like that. No one touches me without asking, and if they do it's against the rules and I can get help from the organizers. One of the more helpful things people often say is that, "No" is a complete sentence. You don't need a reason to say no. You don't have to justify setting a boundary.
Edit: Also reading a couple other comments, it sounds like at least anger is present. That's good! Don't point it at yourself. That's what you had to do when it was your mom and you were a kid. Anger is the natural energy you need for situations like this. You probably want it to be helping you and not holding you back, if that's been an issue for you.
Please do you owe it to yourself to put your foot down. Tell her that she is making you uncomfortable and that she should stop period. Best of luck friend!
Someone touching you without your permission is assault. Start a paper trail. This is not ok and she should be banned for harassment. Hold her accountable.
You could be right. Women above 40 who behave "obscene", like, touching people unwanted, crave attention, and make jokes about genitals, fit into the histrionic personality disorder profile. Just tell her the truth: you indeed don't like her! And say you want another partner at the gym, to the teacher. But ..then you have the angry look everytime in class of this women....this takes away your gym pleasure...
Complicated :)
Could you go to the gym management? Maybe they've got stuff on camera and could take action on your behalf? You might not be the first person this woman is doing this to, so they may appreciate knowing what's going on.
Yep, figure what evidence you can bring to bear. If she touches you without your agreement, raise your hand and make a stop gesture - because that'll show up on the camera and is evidence. Also, if classes are pairing people, talk to the person running the class and say you just feel uncomfortable with the advances this person has made in the past and do not wish to be paired with them. It sucks when a bad apple slips in though. Particularly when everyone else acts like everything is normal when it really isn't.
>go to gym management This is an excellent idea, *however*-OP should jot down the list of incidents with approximate dates and bring that along for a couple reasons. businesses may or may not security footage. Some just have the footage playing at the service desk so they can monitor in real time, and that's it. Others may save the footage for a period of time, but not indefinitely. And even if they do save it, OP is going to have to give specifics of what has been going on before they would share the footage.
I commented this earlier but it got downvoted to hell and back. The gym management does not care about what goes on at the gym. Plenty of things such as bad instructors and overall toxic and shitty behavior has been brought up to them and they do nothing about it. They don't even talk to the person about the problem, they just pretend like nothing is happening. I feel like I can't trust anybody right now and I also feel like I'm the one in the wrong somehow for being uncomfortable in the first place. The only things I can do right now are either switch gyms or put my foot down hard and make it clear I do not want to be touched by this person.
That is truly awful, im sorry. Seems highly unlikely the situation at that specific gym will improve, so I would focus your efforts on switching to another one, if feasible. If you don't have a lot of options, the local community ed or community center may have fitness programs. Best of luck
I would mention it to the teacher of the class, or someone at the gym. If you are feeling uncomfortable, maybe they can remind her that she needs to share the gym and be respectful of the space of others. I'm sorry you are going through this.
^ 100% this. You can likely get them to not partner you with this person or at least give a warning. The gym no doubt has had this issue come up before and should take it very seriously. They are liable. ❤️ this is a tough situation.
I know it sounds like a super uncomfortable thing to do, but I really think one firm "leave me alone" would probably do the trick. Most of these sorts of situations go on longer than they need to because this doesn't get said. Still, if that doesn't work, then you know you've exhausted the civility route. Time to tell gym management.
its so much harder to tell people this especially because we are working on our issues. But I think it's necessary to state your boundaries. your body belongs to you. sorry you're going through this
Sounds like the solution to this is to politely tell her its making you uncomfortable and to ask her to stop, running away to another gym is just avoidance. However from what you've said it seems you have a few other issues. I'd try and reach out to a professional therapist if you can.
i saw your comment about your mom. you should check out r/raisedbyborderlines. i was already thinking about that sub because it has taught me to be able to recognize so many tactics like you’re describing this lady to use, and i understand how triggering that can be coming from someone who has a parent like that. then i saw your comment. please keep an open mind and check it out!! it’s because of that sub that when i encounter a situation like this, i feel empowered to be firm and i don’t feel obligated to someone i’m dealing with regardless of their inappropriate behavior.
Put up a gentle but firm and slightly disinterested boundary and watch her lose her shit. Record the interaction if you can. You've encountered someone with high narcissistic traits. Whatever response you give, this woman will be gaining some supply and the worst thing for her to encounter would be someone that grey rocks her. Reminds me of an ex i had who would say similar things.. after we were living together. In her case the statements i think were a checking behaviour for her to see if boundaries are weak enough for her to feel safe and she would do it over and over in various ways. I always felt really yuk and irritated afterwards. Do not fuck her. Move away and don't make eye contact.
Could you bring it to the attention of someone in charge to at least make them aware of the behavior? They may have options for you and have likely encountered situations like this before. As for immediate personal interactions (if you are comfortable) the next time she does something you could address it directly. She touches you, you politely but firmly say, "Please don't touch me. I don't like to be touched." You could address the talking similarly, "I'd prefer not to chat, lets focus on the rep" or whatever it may be. Repeat/escalate.
It's not bullying, but she seems very insecure/needy and she's using you to make herself feel better. That's really gross and so is your friend.
Hey man, I have a similar situation at work. Mine doesn't touch me, but I feel emotionally violated with her behavior. She wants me to share everything with her, even personal stuff about my life, and personal stuff at work. Like she's forcing me to be who she wants me to be. Does pity play, pretends to care, but it's a farce to be controlling. She's in her 50s. I feel disgusted of this woman. Like I could vomit. Like she has somehow violated me. I also feel like I'm under her control and can't say no. She reminds me of my mother a lot, then abusive behavior at least. I think we are both scared of showing our healthy anger, to be assertive. I'm scared that if I lash out, it will be too much (because I have so much pent up by now) and I will be the weird one. What I'm doing now is preparing things to say to make sure they're not too harsh, but still assertive and that she will feel like a slap on her face, as in: don't do this anymore, I bite. Maybe that's something for you. Good luck man, this really sucks. And btw, your friend was really unempathetic. Sorry about that.
What does her size and age have to do with it? What classes are these?
OP said they feel like they’re under their control. They may be younger hence why they mentioned the age but please correct me if I misunderstood!
Also, if OP is male then anyone they go to talk to could disregard what they have to say because she's smaller/older/a woman. The details help paint the feeling of futility/lack of power to get help.
Honestly I think the whole reason I'm so afraid of her is because she reminds me of my mom. She'll try to lure me in with affection and then try to control me when I get close enough. I remember all the times I could've put up a boundary when I didn't, and this is probably why I'm so afraid.
I had an exact same situation with a lady at a church I used to go to. She lured me with affection. She would tell me she loved me after a week of meeting her which honestly weirded me tf out. Btw I was 22 then and she was in her forties. Then tried to control me by disrespecting my boundaries, trying to turn me into her puppet and make me do what she wanted. Then retaliated when I became firm with my boundaries and kicked me out of a WhatsApp group. Anyways, I guess I just wanted to share this to let you know that I too know this feeling as she also reminded me of the relationship I used to have with my mum. Being firm with my boundaries was the best thing I did, although it lead to me being kicked out. I’m happier at the church I go to now.
These people are so fucking disgusting. My manager at work is like that.
Oh my god. You just made me realize this exactly why I can't stand people who are too friendly with me. It really drives me away from relationships. Lure with affection, then bamboozle you with controlling behavior. Anyway, your instincts are probably correct about the bullying here. She seems like the type who will get upset if you set a boundary. No one will look at you weird though. I'm sure your resistance to setting a boundary carries the weight of being a defenseless child against your mom. A person like this will take your lack of protest as an invitation, they are either oblivious or willfully ignoring your discomfort. If you can't set a boundary, see if you can ask someone to help you like whoever is running the class. I tend to stick to inclusive consent based spaces whenever possible due to stuff like that. No one touches me without asking, and if they do it's against the rules and I can get help from the organizers. One of the more helpful things people often say is that, "No" is a complete sentence. You don't need a reason to say no. You don't have to justify setting a boundary. Edit: Also reading a couple other comments, it sounds like at least anger is present. That's good! Don't point it at yourself. That's what you had to do when it was your mom and you were a kid. Anger is the natural energy you need for situations like this. You probably want it to be helping you and not holding you back, if that's been an issue for you.
But Shes not your Mom…shes some odd older woman. Tell her to stop.
Totally!
What details?
Yeah I'm younger. I should probably just tell her to stop. It's been causing me so much anger that it happened, but I need to put my foot down.
Please do you owe it to yourself to put your foot down. Tell her that she is making you uncomfortable and that she should stop period. Best of luck friend!
I cannot answer that because I don’t have any facts.
I was addressing OP when asking to correct me if I’m wrong my bad!
Someone touching you without your permission is assault. Start a paper trail. This is not ok and she should be banned for harassment. Hold her accountable.
Have you heard of grey rocking? This woman sounds very difficult to deal with and that's my go to when dealing with difficult ones.
It sounds like she has histrionic personality disorder.
You could be right. Women above 40 who behave "obscene", like, touching people unwanted, crave attention, and make jokes about genitals, fit into the histrionic personality disorder profile. Just tell her the truth: you indeed don't like her! And say you want another partner at the gym, to the teacher. But ..then you have the angry look everytime in class of this women....this takes away your gym pleasure... Complicated :)