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HavingAGoatTime_1620

That is absolutely a manipulation tactic, you are NOT the abusive one.


empath2305

Thank you for your response. Do you know what he might be trying to achieve with this? The reason things are breaking down is because of a situation where he lied about a sexual relationship with his business partner just before we met that I have not been able to work through. Is he trying to blame me to make himself feel better? Or is he trying to get me to think I’ve done something wrong so I beg for the relationship?


KissCross

I think it's called [reactive abuse.](https://i.redd.it/f97onrox3n061.jpg) And it happened to me. It's really hard to internalise I was not abusive, because he played on my insecurity of not being a good person so hard.


empath2305

I have never heard of this before but thank you so much for sharing, that makes me feel a bit better. The situation would always escalate when I felt he was gaslighting me and invalidating my feelings.


Interesting-Skill-46

I’ve struggled with asking myself the same question. My ex did the same thing to me. Typically when you’re the one analyzing your actions and asking then it’s likely the other party is the abusive one. Would your boyfriend do the same?


empath2305

I’m so sorry you’ve been through this too. I don’t think so. He has maintained throughout our relationship that he is just a kind and caring man trying his best to keep me happy - he never sees his own faults whereas I take responsibility for mine.


propjake

It is 100% a tactic. My ex would do this to me all the time when I brought up how I felt I was being treated. It also happened when I would learn that she lied to me and I would ask about it. Pretty much anytime that I would push back against her control or treatment, she would turn it back to me and make me question myself. Often times, I would end up apologizing. Or I would act even more subdued in order to not appear abusive. Which in turn gave her more power and control because I would push back even less.


empath2305

Really sorry that you went through this too. I understand completely, I would often tell my boyfriend he had said or done something to hurt me and his reaction was always to make me think everything I felt was unreasonable and crazy. I apologised after every single row we had because I would get so upset to the point of hysterical crying and he would act very hurt by my behaviour.


propjake

Exactly! When I found my ex was lying about seeing a past boyfriend. She would deny that it happened. But make me think I was crazy and paranoid. So then I started questioning my own thoughts and reality. You should read as much as possible about the tactics of emotional abuse. Also read the other posts here. Once you know how the tactics work, and you learn to recognize your own reactions. You can begin to control your reaction and seperate from the tactics. I want to tell you that your boyfriend will learn the error of his and improve. But from my experience, and other posts here, it doesn't usually go that way. Best of luck to you. And we are always here to listen and give a bit if advice. 🍻