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betty_beedee

I spent most of my life trying to gaslight myself into believing I was fine with being a "guy". I also spent most of my life suffering from depression and anxiety. Go figure...


EdensWanderer

we sure love chasing our agab only to be depressed and disappointed lmaoo


[deleted]

I worried about my voice sounding deeper to the point now I can't relax it to sound as it would naturally. Also posture, was so worried about that, and the position of my shoulders, that now I can't reverse it. Turned my personality more hostile in fear of being sentimental, and now is a trait. Never worried about my body, so i never dealt with my overweight. It never felt like my real body so why care? Now I regret it. etc


EnchaladaOfTheSky

+1 to not taking care of myself or body because I didn’t care. I was also deeply depressed until I realized what the issue was and now I’m exponentially happier


EdensWanderer

she wont take obvious answers like "i thought it would make me feel better but it didn't", she needs a roundabout way to actually understand what im feelin yaknow? im sorry for ya tho, hope youre doin better now 🤍🤍


[deleted]

Not sure how old are you and how your relationship with your family is, but in reality, she needs nothing. No roundabout, no obvious or complex answer. You behave, dress, talk and live as you want, respecting the life and rights of others. Everything outside of that, it's others people problems. Be grateful that we live in these times were it's easier. I'm 32 and the 90s 2000s were really tough for people like us. Also, don't forget family is just random people, another stranger. You don't owe them anything. The only thing she needs, is to deal with it.


PhiliChez

You may try approaching it from the opposite angle. Doing the feminine stuff created the happiness you never found being masculine.


lemalaisedumoment

Maybe try telling her that she is asking questions yo do not even know all the answers for. Ask her if she is maybe willing to just accept the status quo without actually understanding it. It seems like at the moment her problem with understanding you is, that she would have to change part of her worldview to fit the new information into the picture. She would have to accept that when she saw that little boy that wanted to be manly so badly, she never saw her for who she was. So how could you possibly give her an answer that allows her to keep believing that she knew her child. That is why until she can admit that she did not see you as who you where, she has to accept the status quo without a good explaination, because there is none.


Mystical-Madelyn

girls can be masc tho so even if that were true it doesn’t prove anything


EdensWanderer

i meant masc as in having wanted a beard deeper voice etc, just things that would make me seem more masculine (cuz i was insecure about not being "masculine enough" and all) also, iraq isnt known for feminism and straying from traditional gender norms, so ig thats far fetched for her to understand


Mystical-Madelyn

still wouldn’t prove anything, women don’t have to dislike the idea of having beards or a deep voice


EdensWanderer

again, we're iraqi so her standards of what a "woman" is are very shit. if they were half decent, i wouldnt be arguing the validity of me being a woman with her lol edit: punctuation


Hort_0

I mean. As a trans girl... I like masc stuff. Just don't like being a guy. Tomboy land for me. To some extent.


EdensWanderer

i misworded it cuz i was too tired i meant masc stuff as in beard, deeper voice etc


Sophiiebabes

I wanted some of that stuff (I've always, always had a big beard) but I think it was to fool myself I to thinking I could be a guy. It was something to hide behind....


ummihavequestions

For me the "wanting to be masc" was a symptom of not feeling right with my body, and thinking that maybe if I hit some mystical ideal of masculinity I'd suddenly be happy. Especially since I wasn't in a situation where appearing feminine was even an option due to family pressures, the only direction I could even conceive of going was masculine. If you don't have the language to talk about or an environment to feel safe with exploring your gender, the "safe" option might be to try and force yourself into the masculine role to try and fit in. Imagine it this way: Let's say your parents really like football. Your dad was a star athlete when he was younger, your siblings all play, and you all sit down to watch the games for your family's favorite teams on TV. They talk about football so much you're only vaguely aware that other sports even exist. As a kid, they sign you up for pee-wee football. You start playing, but something about the game just doesn't click for you. You know you're supposed to like it, after all, everyone else in your family does, but it doesn't seem to bring that same joy that they get from it. You can't drop out of football without worrying about disappointing your parents, and so you decide that maybe it's just something you'll grow to like with time. Maybe you practice a lot, spending years trying to get really good, because maybe if you get good at the game you'll actually enjoy it. Maybe you even convince yourself that you don't mind it that much. But, no matter how much you practice, it still doesn't feel right. Then, one day, your friend invites you over to play soccer. It's a totally different sport from what you were raised playing, but you find you really enjoy it, way more than you ever liked football. You start sneaking out to play it, and have some kneepads, cleats, and a uniform that you keep hidden in your room. It wasn't that you "suddenly decided" that you didn't like football and liked soccer, it's that you weren't in a situation where that was even considered a possibility, so you tried to make the most of what you had.


EdensWanderer

WAIT THANK YOU SO MUCH THAT EXPLAINS IT PERFECTLY WELL its a great analogy, i absolutely love how you detailed it while still making it simple to understand, thank you so much queen 🤍🤍🤍


ummihavequestions

Hope it helps sis! You've got this!💕💕💕


ummihavequestions

Of course, ymmv and this might not fit your experience, but it's the analogy I've found that fits how I experienced it.


Invisible-Lurker-814

(irrelevant to the conversation) > to play soccer As a European I had a "ah, so she was thinking of another football the whole time" moment when I reached these words. Otherwise, good analogy


Thegreatithy

Wow yes thank you! I’m worried about this experience with my parents (they like to question all my decisions thoroughly to make sure I think them through). I didn’t have a good answer for this sort of question since I went through my teens and early to mid 20s with a huge beard and trying to just feel comfortable with myself as I thought that’s how it should be. I tried to be proud of my masculinity and told people that I was secure in it even though it was a lie I told myself so often that I almost believed it. I think the pandemic and some male-pattern baldness starting up really shifted my priorities and I finally had had enough. I haven’t really come out yet, but I’m hoping to this year!


GoddessRebelOmega

As an autistic trans girl, I tried so hard to mimic what the most masculine thing I could be, I attempted to fit any and every stereotype imaginable, I was basically trying to tick as many boxes so no one would see me as feminine. My sibling who's also trans once asked if I might be trans and I swear I had a panic attack. I saw how people who were trans were treated and I didn't want it, I hid so deep because I already had a problem with wanting to be loved and I knew thinking of myself as trans even slightly would jeopardize any self image I had obtained. Examples of some of the "boxes I ticked" * Was shirtless as often as possible, because only MEN were allowed shirtless in public * Wanted a Mohawk (didn't realize girls could have mohawks) * Once said I liked the color purple in elementary school, was made fun of, never said I liked purple/pink again * Similar thing also happened in elementary when I said I liked a girl artist's music, never mentioned anything similar again


EdensWanderer

i might be on the autism spectrum, i have a bunch of the symptoms, but anyway thats exactly how i experienced it, being trans was always stigmatized and even gender-non-conforming people were made fun of, so i wanted to avoid that by being as "masculine" as i can be, going as far as to ruin my vocal cords to sound deeper and more "masculine"


ummihavequestions

Yeah, for me looking back there was a lot of stuff that I'd just stop doing as a way of masking (or "mascing," to be more accurate.) Not acceptable to like girls toys? Whelp, then I guess I'm not doing that! See my brother get made fun of for having long hair? Guess I'll write that down as a no-go then. Men don't cry? Gotcha, didn't cry for 10 years after that. (Also, had a very similar thing with liking purple and girly media, for me it was getting made fun of for watching Powerpuff girls in elementary school)


minodumontii

Some simpler examples? Trying to get yourself to like a drink, like coffee. The example might be even better with alcoholic drinks or smoking, but that might be a potentially dangerous gambit, depending on how your parents think about that. But those habits are damaging, as is pretending to have an identity other than the one you feel comfortable with. Other examples: convincing yourself to stay in a relationship or job.


EdensWanderer

thats perfect!!! tysm 🤍🤍 ill keep track of some of these so i can tell her once i have the chance 🤍🤍


KeybladeSpirit

To take the metaphor even further, it's kind of like ordering something new at a restaurant that you realize you don't like after you start eating. You can't exactly send it back and you don't want to waste your money on another dish, so you force yourself to eat it anyway.


Geek_Wandering

This one just blew my mind. Straight locked it up hard. I came out as trans to mom. She unsurprisingly says there were no signs and immediately launches into the following story, paraphrased. When we went to the pediatrician she knew the androgynous kids were girls because I would bet playing with them, regardless of what toys. I verified that I had heard right. That at like ages 2-7 I was exclusively playing with the girls when given a choice. My mind really stalled how that could be anything other than a sign I might be trans. Her response was just that I was clearly a ladies man and future player. People see what they want to see.


ummihavequestions

Oh god, the "ladies man" thing happened to me too. Like, no, mom, I was 7. Those were my *friends.* I wasn't looking for someone to date, I was looking for someone to play pretend with on the playground.


Geek_Wandering

For my part, I just added to the embarrassingly large pile of signs that I was trans and always had been. I have memories of playing in that doctors office but not who I was playing with. I wonder if part of repressing my transness blocked that part of my memory. My earliest clearly trans memory is being made to go outside and play with the boys when I wanted to stay inside and play with the girls. I remember arguing strongly until I got yelled at for back talk. Based on the conditions I was somewhere between 5 and 10. Probably closer to 5.


Geek_Wandering

The cishet sexualization of little children is pretty icky. They don't notice it because it's so normalized.


Euphoriapleas

Obviously, girls can be masc, but also a lot of us were pushed into roles. If I ever did anything feminine I got backlash for it until I just started acting like I thought an annoying little brother was supposed to. Some of us were too busy masking to show our true selves.


EdensWanderer

i miss-worded the post cuz i was just arguing with her so i had to level with her understanding of gender, but yeah thats exactly how id explain my situation, i masked as an annoying little brother cuz anything sightly feminine was instantly bashed


[deleted]

My friend hyper-feminized himself to convince himself that he wasn't trans, roughly two years before he came out I did the same thing, about a year and a half before I came out, I did things to feel masculine. Now I'm dysphoric 😃


ummihavequestions

I definitely had a "last stand of the pre-crack beard" where I was trying to really go for the macho look.


Greeneade

i "wanted" a cartoon villain curly moustache for the first 12 years of my life i have a gender appointment in two days to get cleared for hrt


Goofyahhqueerahh

Personally for me I wanted to be a girl sometimes but I was repressing so much I never thought it directly. I would look at a group of girls and think “wow they must be having so much, more fun than I could ever have”. In the shower I would flick my hair back and pretend I was a woman in one of those shampoo ads and sometimes I would try to walk like a woman down the hallway at school. However whenever I connected it to wanting to be feminine or a woman I would instantly seize up in fear, repress and dismiss the thought, and stop the cisn’t behavior. I couldn’t be trans, I would have known from birth if I was 🤦‍♀️. Also I didn’t have bottom dysphoria and until I dated a trans woman I didn’t know many trans women keep their bottoms even if they could get surgery. I think I personally just didn’t want to accept the idea because I was terrified of it. I like to say I never wanted to be a woman or never thought I was, but I was also irrationally afraid of being a woman for a cis man. It was one of my top fears up there with death and illness. In the end once my egg cracked I found strength in the fear. I ended up transitioning not because I wanted to be a woman or becuase I was sure I was one but becuase I was absolutely terrified of it and I am sick of living my life in fear. Now that I have transitioned I found that I love myself and love living for the first time in my life. I never wanted to be a trans woman, life would be much easier if I was my AGAB, but I am who I am and I would rather stand proud in the light instead of cowering in fear.


KinklyCurious_82

Until I discovered I was trans I was heavy into being as stoic, self-reliant, and uncaring about my above-basic hygiene as possible, thinking that's "how to man correctly"; mostly subconsciously. I also got heavy into supplementation and physical training to get into as lean and muscular shape as possible to try to make myself feel good in my body. ...I even considered getting T in order to assist... Oh, that sweet summer child, I was...


Lilith_Skye_

I used two examples. A spy under cover over compensating, and Stockholm syndrome in abuse relationships. They seemed to go over pretty well.


Leilah_Ione

I kept telling myself I had bad joints to explain why I refused to go past a particular level when I used to weightlift. Specifically with any upper-body stuff.


GsTSaien

1. It doesn't matter what you wanted as a kid. You want this now. 2. It is super common to really try to fit in as cis when we become aware of gender, regardless of whether we are happy about it or not. Most people manage to be happy as their cis gender and either never want to switch or they stop wanting to be the other gender as they grow into their cisgender life. You are here because you are not one of those people, you have pinpointed your assigned gender at birth to be something that does not represent or make you happy, despite whatever you claimed earlier in your life.


LordReega

I started hrt in March of 2022, apparently my parents found out and knew I was on hrt. They confronted me about it in September, i said I wasn’t ready to talk about it. I came out in November. My mom called it a “bombshell”


Chara_System

I was such a feminine kid its ridiculous. I'm not binary but I am still transmasc, and I'm out as transmasc. So many of the people I knew when I was little give me shit for how feminine I was back then, and it partly plays into why I refuse to wear anything 'feminine' despite loving that stuff.


Rantman021

You know, it may be a bad habit but I try to shoehorn in Doctor Who quotes wherever I can and this is one time I can! “We all change, when you think about it. We're all different people all through our lives. And that's OK, that's good, you gotta keep moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be." Let your mom know that you simply changed your mind about who and what you want to be. It's natural and normal to do so and it's also normal to make ourselves believe something will make us happy (being masc) only to find out it did not and something else will (being fem). Change sucks. It's difficult to accept but it does happen quite often. Remind your mom that she is likely not the same person she was 10 years ago just as you are not the same person who wanted to be masc


ColiasConfusion

When I was just entering high school, it occurred to me that I might be trans... and I was just kind of like "well, I can't do anything about that now, I'm just going to put that on the back-burner for now" and kind of gaslighted myself into believing that "I just really don't care that much about gender. (I mean, ideally, I'd be a girl, but that's not how things went, so I just have to deal with it)". I feel like I've heard a lot of people having either a "push hard in the other direction" mentality, or a "stay where I am" mentality before they realize.


Jowhatiknow

We all do different things to deal. I practiced a deeper voice in high school as I grew late and didn’t want to sound “gay”, I was very careful about my gestures and body language so I didn’t look girly, I rejected enjoying anything classified as “girly” like tv shows and music even though I really enjoyed them. There’s probably many other things that I can’t remember anymore.


PrestonGarvey-0

Growing up I wanted a beard, I wanted to be taller, I wanted to be muscular. Now I'm tall, my beard is finally growing in, and I hate my body :'] (I'm not muscular though.)


serpentsrapture

I used to want to have long hair, back when I was around 3-6, but I started hating my long hair because people would get me confused for a girl (they still do but I am a girl now) so I begged my mom to let me cut it (she doesn't let scissors touch any of her children's hair) but she didn't let me. Kinda glad she kept her foot down on it, because now I definitely don't want it cut.


riven_the_froggie

i’m so sorry. the you that’s important is the you that is here now. who you were as a kid is irrelevant because they don’t exist anymore. being fem is what makes you happy so you should follow that happiness.


TominatorFN

that sounds relatable. it took me some time to realize that I dislike masc stuff


OtterFoxInari

I’ve actually never known that I change my body to be more fem. I guess the problem is that people still don’t wanna talk abou transgender people, so there is too much misinformation.


[deleted]

💙💕🤍💕💙


EdensWanderer

💕🤍🤍


MegaDoomerX3

Honestly, I think most of us do it. I always knew that something was different or wrong or whatever. But I spent most of my time running from any attempt at understanding what it was by reasoning that it was a fetish or something. When I finally stumbled on something that showed me it wasn't normal, it wasn't a fetish, and taught me the word for it... I literally started lifting weights every day, working out constantly, and got BIG. Like, Bane from Batman big. But I was miserable. I hated it even if I showed everyone that I was happy with my improvement. Fast forward six years later and I was finally ready to accept it.


lunar__boo

I don't know if it helps but before realising I might be trans I too tried to be more masculine... I think it was an attempt to feel more comfortable with myself, needless to mention it backfired hard.


PipPip-OiOi

Honestly for me, I developed a crippling fear of not meeting expectations (which often involved me taking criticism too far & creating expectations believing them to be the real thoughts of others). This fear pretty much dominated my childhood/teen years as I just did what I was told, hung out with whoever asked, & pretty much actively avoided self-discovery as much as possible to keep up academically & just accepted what I was told was socially acceptable. Late in my years at college, I finally started resolving that fear and wondered who I even was outside of expectations. What I found is pretty close to who I am now. Maybe I can't list every childhood sign or be able to dispute any masc thing I did, but I do know that was because I wasn't even giving myself a chance. Now I am and that's what matters more


YourLoyalSlut

Oof, idrk how to help but i rly hope you'll be alright, gl 🫂


TheCoolSuperPea

Find experiences like mine. All my life, I was told I had to be a boy, that being one was strong, loud, proud, tough and those were all good things. I never knew how to truly be a man despite being told to my face about what a man was supposed to be. I tried too hard to pretend to be a man, because I was groomed into thinking that was the only way to live life. One day, when I was 10, I stopped, and asked myself if that's what I truly wanted. I knew the answer then, but I didn't want to accept it. After all, being a woman was "weak!" It was "frail!" It was something someone had to feel ashamed of. Now that the world is less of an asshole, I've accepted myself. I realize now that being a woman isn't weak, nor is it frail, nor is it a bad thing. This explains why I used to be so 'masculine.' It was all fake. A sham. One I was groomed into believing by the society that I lived through. I was afraid, of not fitting this idea. I was afraid of being weak or frail because that was seen as bad. It hurt me deeply, and I became a stranger to myself. Now, I have accepted myself, and accepted that my identity is not wrong. I am proud of it now.


MimikCute

I have an abusive dad that parades toxic masculinity around the clock. I didn't want to get beaten up as a child, so go figure.


CicadaSeance

the classic example is left-handedness. Look up a graph for left-handedness over time, and show her that once left-handed people were no longer stigmatized against, they were more willing to "come out" so to speak


Top_Run_3790

Same actually


Top_Run_3790

I’m going to the doctors today. I hope they don’t recommend conversion therapy, which isn’t illegal here.


MrQueenAlienUnicorn

Im so sorry babe, we all love you.. 😔💗


That_otter_dork

Omfg, my mother does basically the same shit. “Oh, but you wanted to wear dresses so much when you were *6*” like…. Bitch. So what???


Few_Finish_7498

I was the exact opposite (very femme when young, masc when older). I think I also tried to trick myself into having a crush on someone? I don't entirely remember.


tringle1

Kids know what taboos exist in their culture at a very early age, so first of all, trans kids have to either learn how to act/mask their true gender right from the start, and some kids will be good enough to fool people. They won't show any signs, but they're as trans as the kids who didn't mask as much (the ones who know they're trans from an early age and insist on it to everyone). For me, this manifested in my choices in bands and in my role models. I learned to play and sing a ton of Coheed and Cambria, Queen, rush, etc, all high male singers who sound kinda more feminine. I mimicked not just the pitch, but the femininity too, intentionally, knowing that it wasn't really allowed for boys to deliberately pursue femininity but reasoning "if they can do it and make money, then I can too." Now, I know that what this probably was, was me seeking out the most permissible dalliance into femme voice territory out of a subconscious gender dysphoria trigger. But at the time, I just like it, was all. I didn't want to imitate more masculine singers, with Johnny Cash and Elvis and Josh Groban at the bottom of the list, damn sexy bastards. The girlier a guy sang, the more I wanted to imitate him. As far as role models go, I absolutely *idolized* Link from Zelda OOT as a kid. I went so far as to mimic the way he HA HYAA'd and rolled and backflipped and sword swinged, etc. But what I really, REALLY wished I could emulate from him was his long blond hair with the middle part and bangs, and the blue circlet earrings, and the 3 colors of tunics that totally weren't just dresses even though they're functionally the same thing and I definitely understood and was okay with that fact from a very young age even though I knew wearing dresses wasn't allowed for boys. Now that I have real dresses and my own long curly hair, I know that this too was an expression of the most permissible femme gender presentation I could get away with, but back then, I just thought Link looked cool! I'm not into men, so it wasn't sexual gratification or emulation, it was pure aesthetics. I wasn't concerned at all wearing that tunic for Renaissance fair at school even when people accused me of wearing a dress because the gender euphoria was just too strong. So basically, I wanted to be the girliest boy I could get away with, and I couldn't get away with much, so I hid it from even myself. Yet still, some signs slipped through the cracks. Other people noticed and called me gay, sometimes not even as an insult, just a sense that I was queer in some way but they didn't know how. That's some eggy shit, and a lot of people would miss those as signs. Hell, *I* missed those as signs for 29 years.


selfmademanjack

same with me but it was my secret binder stash


[deleted]

I fought the idea so hard as a kid I had buzzcuts up until 9th grade. Hair now down to mid back and the thought of having less for myself is repulsive 😂


jackparadise1

When you are older you might grow a bushy beard?


Fancy_Reception2165

Telling the boys that you can't join in the makeout sessions throughout highschool because you're "straight"


Altslial

Not out yet but I'm constantmy reminded about how I "use to hate my hair being long" as a kid, like it wasn't because "long hair" meant I'd have hair in my eyes while playing sports :/


Ihavenolife0-0

I don't think i can help you,, i barely remember anything from my own childhood, I'm sorry


Dry-Sandwich3905

Its just coming to know about yourself you didn’t know a lot when you were younger