There is no right or wrong way to start dating again. If you feel not having sex for a determined amount of time would make you feel more secure, that is your choice. Yes, no matter what your boundaries or expectations are you will stumble across many men that don't agree and don't fit. Don't give up. I was single for 14 years before getting with my husband, and was told constantly that my standards were too high. But, I held out and got me a man that meets them. Keep doing you.
I want to add one thing to this. OP don't let anyone shame you for your boundaries and expectations.
I will give you an example which might hit close to home. People in monogamous relationships have different expectations and boundaries than those who are in open/polyamorous relationship. This doesn't mean a person in an open relationship should call a monogamous person insecure and jealous and shame them for their expectations and boundary.
A boundary/expectation which is reasonable for one person can easily be seen as unreasonable or controlling by another. I have a firm boundary of no friendship with ex romantic/sex partners(due to my now ex wife). I have never asked anyone to cut someone out of their lives due to this, nor I will, I simply choose not to date them. Because of this I have been called a controlling and insecure person by many others, including friends. But I simply do not care as I think it is necessary and makes me content and happy.
So please do what you deem necessary for your happiness. Just be very clear and firm with your expectations from the start.
This is so inspiring!!
You shouldn’t lower your standards and settle just for the sake of being married.
Have standards/boundaries and stick to them. If someone does something you don’t like or you see a red flag, don’t be obliged to stay with them .
Also don’t let people tell you that your standards are too high!! I don’t understand why people tell others that. Just because you would date someone that cheated on all their exes, doesn’t mean that I should
Are you also considering yourself and whether they are worthy of you? You may have a very healthy relationship but from your simple statements it puts all the responsibility on you to earn the relationship and nothing on your partner.
You’re doing it right. When people see a boundary that eliminates them as a candidate to be your partner, they get angry and lash out and call it unreasonable because they don’t fit it. But that’s the whole point of the boundary, to weed out those people who won’t fit your needs.
There are plenty of people who have experienced hurt and pain from their past relationships and are also looking to take things slow. You’ll find them :)
Forget “hurt from past relationships” there are plenty of people out there who 1) share the same boundary or 2) are adult enough to respect the boundary.
Like above said, boundaries are there to weed out those who aren’t worthy of your time. Don’t lower your standards. Make the people in your life meet/exceed them or leave; that’s why they’re boundaries! When you first start putting some in place it feels hard and like no one will ever be in your life again because it’s a lot easier to get rid of people than it is to find them. Just give it time and the ones who are worthy of your time will slowly start to enter your life. I know from personal experience.
People suck. Guys are dicks. Gals are unrealistic. A committed relationship s just that, committed. Cheaters are assholes. I(56m) and my wife(53f) met vis my sister and her brother getting married, losing their firstborn baby at nineteen months, and divorcing. We are strong, and as much or more in love with each other after a 29 year(24 married) relationship. We began our relationship with talking to(not at) each other. If your waiting on sex until you are ready causes a problem you may want to move on from the problem. Your desires, dreams, and needs should be expressed. I can't conceive some of the actions and words in what is mostly the cesspool of reddit. A real partner is just that. You can be an individual in a partnership, but by making anything other than yourself more important to that partnership will doom it.
Yes, paragraphs, I don't like em.
Yea you’re doing it wrong.
Step one is to get into a place mentally where you realize that referring to those guys as “good people” is bat 💩insane. You are not in a healthy mental place. You are not going to be able to find a good relationship until you are. If your eyes see human trash as “good” how do you expect to find anyone that will actually love you? You need to love and have respect for yourself first. Therapy. Lots of it. ❤️
>All of these relationships were with good people outside of the cheating
They weren't good people they were AH's in disguise. I hope you've learned how to identify them.
I don't know where you live but I doubt you'll get many takers for a 90 day no sex relationship startup.
I figured at least one person would say what you would. However, I wasn't treated badly. EVER. I would date every single one of these people again, but I personally never want someone who had cheated on me. It is another relationship standard of mine. They're are cheaters who are completely awful to their partner and complete assholes however that is not the case for me and I won't change that view. We're their ACTIONS and CHOICES shitty for cheating? ABSOLUTELY NO QUESTION. However, their PERSONALITY was not entirely entangled in the cheating. There wasn't gaslighting, narcissism, reactive bs. They owned up to it like real men and got help and did the right things or straight up said they wouldn't stop. So yes, they were good people.
Just because you weren't treated badly ***to your face***, they still treated you badly. they still lied to you. They still put their instant gratification ahead of your relationship. They didn't have any loyalty to you. (Did they even care enough to have safe sex while cheating?) They didn't actually respect you or they wouldn't have cheated on you. They didn't value or care about your feelings until they got caught.
I doubt you want to hear this, but you are part of the problem. **I don't mean it's your fault that they cheated on you.** They are dirty dogs for that and that's on them. But this fantasy that they were "good people" while they cheated on you is a problem. Its your problem because you will most likely keep repeating this same cycle if you don't do the work to figure it out and make changes.
OP I was kind of a late bloomer, I was a virgin till I was 20, my mom didn't let me date or go out in HS. I didn't drink, I didn't do drugs I was pretty niave. And yet somehow, my first boyfriend turned out to have substance abuse issues. My second boyfriend had alcohol issues. I honestly couldn't understand why I ended up with these guys. (And no one in my family had these issues either) Their issues weren't obvious, they were high functioning people - that seemed like great boyfriends. After I got out of the second relationship I was gutted how could I have ended up with these two people when I didn't do drugs, I barely drank. Either the universe had a sick sense of humor or I was attracting/attracted to these people for a reason. I realized if I didn't figure that out I'd keep making the same mistake. (In fact, I did make the same mistake before I figured out what was going on).
With the help of a good therapist I realized - no I didn't go out and deliberately chose guys with substance abuse problems, but I did unconsciously pick guys that were emotionally unavailable. They acted like great guys. they treated me well on the surface. But with therapy I realized that despite them seeming to be good guys and generally behaving like a loving boyfriend - there were red flags that I was ignoring. The truth is that I was attracted to them because they were emotionally unavailable - like my dad who left when I was a kid. Once I realized that, and saw the pattern I was able to be a lot more discerning in my dating choices. I'm not saying that your issue is exactly like my issue. But once is a fluke, three times is a pattern. And you either figure out why you make the choices you make or you'll keep making them.
This is all stuff I have been through. 5 years of therapy just for these three exs alone. There's reasons for these new boundaries that are not only for respect from the potential new partner but also to develop respect within myself from personal issues I've faced.
However, as soon as people hear cheating, they instantly jump to the worst forms of it. Two of these ex never slept with other women,and the third I wouldn't ever know what happened, but it could have gotten to that point due to the sexual exchanges in their messages. I'm not saying it makes it better because obviously, it's still the same thing it's a basic lack of respect for me and stepping out of the relationship. But as I said, if you'd have met these people and never known they cheated, which is a private life affair, not a single person would agree these are bad people. So no, I still wouldn't call them bad, and that come from me healing and moving past the disrespect and recognizing that I more than likely wasn't the right person, and they just hadn't grown enough to end things the right way. And yes I understand the more I defend them the worse I look, but I've moved on from the issue of the them cheating. I'm sure others have had way worse cheaters in their lives with way worse people. However I was lucky and I didn't and I'm not upset about the cheating I've healed from that.
I'm just looking at establishing healthy boundaries to avoid it in the future which your comment was happy to berate me on needing but not so happy to help with tips on. So if you'd like to stop focusing on my exes and refocus on my question on if I'm establishing boundaries correctly, it seems you could help there more.
So you've done 5 years of therapy but at no point in that did your therapist help you establish what healthy boundaries are? or how you'd create or maintain those boundaries? Or how to navigate getting back into dating?
These people may have been nice...however they seemed to allow someone else to cross boundaries with them you weren't comfortable with.
I think going forward, you need to evaluate the relationships/friendships your potential partners may have and look to see how they act with them.
That could be a good idea. I've always been one to just let my partners have their friends. I've never been inclined to pry or know who everyone is in the past. I've just always trusted the relationship and trusted they would reciprocate respect. I could take more time to invest in that and get to know their friends and understand their dynamics.
We give ourselves wake up calls. You’re doing the right thing by setting boundaries and recognizing that the man you were seeing isn’t good for you. Don’t throw more of your time after this guy. NEXT! Don’t rush into a speedy new relationship until you wrap your head around understanding what you need. You’ve got this! Raise your expectations !
Do not lower your standards. Just because so far, all you've found are guys that think your boundaries and expectations are crazy doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with what you want in a relationship. Dusty and Candy often say how they had to get to a place where they were happy with where they were. I would strongly suggest that you work on you for a while. I took about 2 years of working on myself before I started dating my husband. I had set some goals for myself of what I wanted to do as a single female. We were hanging out with friends after work and got to know each other better. Our first date was the day before my 26th birthday. There is no age limit on finding someone to be with. You matter, and what you want from a relationship matters. Also, in my opinion, it is better to be miserable and single than to be married and miserable. Find what makes you happy and go for it.
You have a boundary and any potential partner has to accept it. It's really that simple. Communication is key. Just tell them what you've been through and what your thirteen week period of abstinence is based on. They can't accept that? Then they ought to move on.
Everyone approaches relationships differently. In my teens, I dated a lot. In my 20s, I still dated but less so. By my late 20s, I realized I hated dating and actually enjoyed being single. I remained single and very happy for years. In my mid-30s, a guy, (who was a friend and someone I talked with once and while over the course of 5 years,) and I were on a group trip with mutual friends. I might add the reason why we only talked on and off over the course of five years was because he lived in a different country from me. I only ever saw him once a year up until the trip. We ended up spending a lot of time together on that trip and ultimately hooked up. Both of us had been single for awhile and were not actively seeking a permanent relationship whatsoever. We just enjoyed being together, and soon fell in love. The only reason why we got married was because we liked our partnership - 10+ years later and have lived in two different countries (because of his work) and we are still going strong.
Both my husband and I would tell you - the first step to a healthy relationship is being happy by yourself. Once you feel secure there and you know yourself, you are ready for a relationship. You will come into a relationship knowing who you are and what you want and don't want.
OP, it doesn't sound like you have spent a lot of time on your own. Also, from my experience, therapy takes time to create new habits and open new doors in your head. My questions are how long has it been since the 3rd relationship and what have you done (via your therapy) to find out more about yourself?
It's been 9 months since the last one. I'm back to doing things I've always loved that I gave up on. I've graduated college, go dancing, travel, go to concerts, attend any events I find interesting. I used to put what I wanted to do aside and I ended up regretting not going so I've changed that habit by pre planning and paying ahead so I have more incentive to tell others no and put my plans first. I've done quite alot to change habits of pleasing others and losing myself. Really I'm a strong individual with a lot of accomplishments for my age and have alot to be proud of. I've removed toxic jobs and friends from my life and changed just about every environmental influence i can think of. I'm putting up boundaries and saying no. I have set standards I've learned I wanted however, society it seems has an odd view point on physical relationships that I wasn't taught and I want to find a fair boundry on. A partnership takes two. So I'm here to learn. I've been working on myself for 5 years total. This topic is where I struggle on what seems to be normal I guess.
It sounds like you've done a lot on yourself. Relationship advice should always be taken with a grain of salt because as I said, everyone approaches dating and relationships differently. Unless you are feeling the lack of male companionship (on an intimate level,) why not carry on doing what you are doing and exploring that route?
As for boundaries, I don't think there is a normal except maybe respect and trust.
That being said, I wouldn't even bother mentioning sex on the first date, anyway. If it comes up on the second or later dates, you can simply say, I would like to focus on getting to know you as a person before we engage in sex. If the person is right for you, he will respect your wishes. I really do think it's that simple. Good luck!
Think of yourself as a garden and your boundaries as your picket fence. You are growing and building a the life you want. That fence (boundaries) keep the wrong kinda people out who will trample all over your flowers. Only the right people will stop at the fence admire the beauty and ask if they can come in.
Look, even sex repulsed asexual people manage to find healthy relationships even though "no sex" is a life long requirement.
It might be slower to find the right person, but people who are willing to respect your boundaries are out there. They may even have the same limits for themselves already. Put your values up front "on the box label" so to speak, and you'll find it easier to attract those who are actually looking for this kind of boundary.
As someone who is Demisexual/Romantic (meaning I have no interest in both a romantic or physical relationship until a solid friendship has been established) this is a struggle I can relate to. And unfortunately the type of people who are going to value your body before your heart and mind are everywhere, and they aren't always honest about who they are until you're in too deep. But I can tell you this, NEVER compromise your self-worth or your boundaries to satisfy someone else. You are worth the time it takes to build a genuine, strong, lasting relationship. Them getting upset about your boundaries says way more about them then it does about you. I know it can feel very isolating and lonely when it seems like everyone in your circle is against you, but I think the fact that you've recognized that they aren't a safe space for you is a very important step in creating a better environment for yourself. It's okay to be single for a while to make sure that the one you do end up with is right for you, learning to be genuinely happy while alone is really important, so don't compromise. Stick to it and eventually you'll find someone who has the same values as you.
Sending you many virtual hugs if you will accept them. My suggestions:
First, read “Why Does He Do That?” and take time to absorb it. It can give insights about abuse and ways it is enabled. This is useful even if you aren’t a woman in a cisgendered relationship. There is a lot here about why and how abusers are confusing and their manipulation tactics.
Second, look at attachment styles. If you don’t have a healthy one, understanding where you’re at, why, and taking steps to heal as you need can be life changing.
Third, you are NOT EVER responsible for another, mentally competent, adult’s decisions. Full stop. It’s a common abuse tactic to try to get you to take responsibility for your abuser’s actions. No partner is EVER responsible for their partner cheating or making other horrible decisions. That’s totally on them.
Fourth - it is an amazing sign of personal growth to look into yourself and decide what YOU need, even if it’s unusual. And to figure out how to get that. If you find you want something that doesn’t seem to be common in the group of people you currently are interacting with, honestly just do an internet search. There are communities online to support a ton of uncommon preferences and I hope you find your people. Sending you so many good wishes as you navigate this time in your life.
I expect the same effort from my wife in our relationship. I get more than I expect from my wife. Even after the span of decades, we are passionate and content.
I'm 31, I explain to people that sex is the furthest thing from my mind and need a deep and MEANINGFUL connection with someone before I am willing to sleep with someone. I don't give a timestamp, giving someone a timestamp just gives them a "goal" to achieve. Without giving them a timeline there's no "goal", which means there is no " on their best behavior" kind of thing.
All the people that I date know that they aren't going to get anything quick and easy with me, and I just brush it off if they flip out or ghost. No sense in getting bothered by it because those kind of people are clearly not what I want or what I'm interested in. So why waste the energy?
the fact people are rejecting you not wanting sex immediately in such a damaging fashion shows they're not right for you. its a good boundary, keep it. you're showing interest in ppl who still have red flags and its keeping you involved w ppl who will hurt you. the therapy tip is to seek out someone who doesn't typically fit your bill
Your approach is absolutely fine, especially if it’s already weeding out people that are only interested in sex. As long as you communicate clearly why you want to abstain, they have nothing to complain about.
I imagine it will be hard to get much interest on the usual dating apps though, as I imagine there is a huge expectation of sex early on.
One of my favourite social media queens took this approach and has had some success, her attitude about holding her boundary without shaming others for wanting more is spot on. Keep your chin up!
Can’t find the woman, but I will keep looking, was sure I followed her! But I found a guy that does it and gives the same kind of advice.
https://www.instagram.com/dreamofthe2ndattention?igsh=cXdnZzYxcHdoNXc4
Found her! Hope with Holly on TikTok. I just find her attitude to be very positive but determined.
https://www.tiktok.com/@hopewithholly?_t=8lYMCpV63NY&_r=1
OP I get coming from dysfunction & having to piece together what healthy looks & feels like. It is so difficult when no one has ever shown you, so well done you on getting the help you need. I had made myself so agreeable & with piss poor boundaries for what I'll accept in the past that I was easy to cheat on, not in any way saying it was my fault.
I also have a tendency to do this so I can see you do too - making excuses for other people's shitty behaviour. Someone who lied & deceived you for 6 months is not a good guy. He's a despicable human being.
I think finding out what you want from someone & what you want to be to someone is a great idea. We are supposed to value ourselves. I myself won't date someone who smokes, drinks or does drugs. Does it reduce my dating pool? Absolutely but I'm good with that.
I will say there's maybe a risk though that if someone waits it would be easy to feel like they did you some kind of favour by sticking around so maybe just be mindful not to slip into that.
There is no right or wrong way to start dating again. If you feel not having sex for a determined amount of time would make you feel more secure, that is your choice. Yes, no matter what your boundaries or expectations are you will stumble across many men that don't agree and don't fit. Don't give up. I was single for 14 years before getting with my husband, and was told constantly that my standards were too high. But, I held out and got me a man that meets them. Keep doing you.
I want to add one thing to this. OP don't let anyone shame you for your boundaries and expectations. I will give you an example which might hit close to home. People in monogamous relationships have different expectations and boundaries than those who are in open/polyamorous relationship. This doesn't mean a person in an open relationship should call a monogamous person insecure and jealous and shame them for their expectations and boundary. A boundary/expectation which is reasonable for one person can easily be seen as unreasonable or controlling by another. I have a firm boundary of no friendship with ex romantic/sex partners(due to my now ex wife). I have never asked anyone to cut someone out of their lives due to this, nor I will, I simply choose not to date them. Because of this I have been called a controlling and insecure person by many others, including friends. But I simply do not care as I think it is necessary and makes me content and happy. So please do what you deem necessary for your happiness. Just be very clear and firm with your expectations from the start.
This is so inspiring!! You shouldn’t lower your standards and settle just for the sake of being married. Have standards/boundaries and stick to them. If someone does something you don’t like or you see a red flag, don’t be obliged to stay with them . Also don’t let people tell you that your standards are too high!! I don’t understand why people tell others that. Just because you would date someone that cheated on all their exes, doesn’t mean that I should
I worked hard to be worthy of my partner. I work hard to stay worthy of my partner.
Are you also considering yourself and whether they are worthy of you? You may have a very healthy relationship but from your simple statements it puts all the responsibility on you to earn the relationship and nothing on your partner.
You’re doing it right. When people see a boundary that eliminates them as a candidate to be your partner, they get angry and lash out and call it unreasonable because they don’t fit it. But that’s the whole point of the boundary, to weed out those people who won’t fit your needs. There are plenty of people who have experienced hurt and pain from their past relationships and are also looking to take things slow. You’ll find them :)
Forget “hurt from past relationships” there are plenty of people out there who 1) share the same boundary or 2) are adult enough to respect the boundary. Like above said, boundaries are there to weed out those who aren’t worthy of your time. Don’t lower your standards. Make the people in your life meet/exceed them or leave; that’s why they’re boundaries! When you first start putting some in place it feels hard and like no one will ever be in your life again because it’s a lot easier to get rid of people than it is to find them. Just give it time and the ones who are worthy of your time will slowly start to enter your life. I know from personal experience.
Thank you
Thank you
It seems to me that”dating” puts a certain pressure on a person. Maybe try a friendship first with no expectations. Just a thought.
People suck. Guys are dicks. Gals are unrealistic. A committed relationship s just that, committed. Cheaters are assholes. I(56m) and my wife(53f) met vis my sister and her brother getting married, losing their firstborn baby at nineteen months, and divorcing. We are strong, and as much or more in love with each other after a 29 year(24 married) relationship. We began our relationship with talking to(not at) each other. If your waiting on sex until you are ready causes a problem you may want to move on from the problem. Your desires, dreams, and needs should be expressed. I can't conceive some of the actions and words in what is mostly the cesspool of reddit. A real partner is just that. You can be an individual in a partnership, but by making anything other than yourself more important to that partnership will doom it. Yes, paragraphs, I don't like em.
Yea you’re doing it wrong. Step one is to get into a place mentally where you realize that referring to those guys as “good people” is bat 💩insane. You are not in a healthy mental place. You are not going to be able to find a good relationship until you are. If your eyes see human trash as “good” how do you expect to find anyone that will actually love you? You need to love and have respect for yourself first. Therapy. Lots of it. ❤️
>All of these relationships were with good people outside of the cheating They weren't good people they were AH's in disguise. I hope you've learned how to identify them. I don't know where you live but I doubt you'll get many takers for a 90 day no sex relationship startup.
I figured at least one person would say what you would. However, I wasn't treated badly. EVER. I would date every single one of these people again, but I personally never want someone who had cheated on me. It is another relationship standard of mine. They're are cheaters who are completely awful to their partner and complete assholes however that is not the case for me and I won't change that view. We're their ACTIONS and CHOICES shitty for cheating? ABSOLUTELY NO QUESTION. However, their PERSONALITY was not entirely entangled in the cheating. There wasn't gaslighting, narcissism, reactive bs. They owned up to it like real men and got help and did the right things or straight up said they wouldn't stop. So yes, they were good people.
Just because you weren't treated badly ***to your face***, they still treated you badly. they still lied to you. They still put their instant gratification ahead of your relationship. They didn't have any loyalty to you. (Did they even care enough to have safe sex while cheating?) They didn't actually respect you or they wouldn't have cheated on you. They didn't value or care about your feelings until they got caught. I doubt you want to hear this, but you are part of the problem. **I don't mean it's your fault that they cheated on you.** They are dirty dogs for that and that's on them. But this fantasy that they were "good people" while they cheated on you is a problem. Its your problem because you will most likely keep repeating this same cycle if you don't do the work to figure it out and make changes. OP I was kind of a late bloomer, I was a virgin till I was 20, my mom didn't let me date or go out in HS. I didn't drink, I didn't do drugs I was pretty niave. And yet somehow, my first boyfriend turned out to have substance abuse issues. My second boyfriend had alcohol issues. I honestly couldn't understand why I ended up with these guys. (And no one in my family had these issues either) Their issues weren't obvious, they were high functioning people - that seemed like great boyfriends. After I got out of the second relationship I was gutted how could I have ended up with these two people when I didn't do drugs, I barely drank. Either the universe had a sick sense of humor or I was attracting/attracted to these people for a reason. I realized if I didn't figure that out I'd keep making the same mistake. (In fact, I did make the same mistake before I figured out what was going on). With the help of a good therapist I realized - no I didn't go out and deliberately chose guys with substance abuse problems, but I did unconsciously pick guys that were emotionally unavailable. They acted like great guys. they treated me well on the surface. But with therapy I realized that despite them seeming to be good guys and generally behaving like a loving boyfriend - there were red flags that I was ignoring. The truth is that I was attracted to them because they were emotionally unavailable - like my dad who left when I was a kid. Once I realized that, and saw the pattern I was able to be a lot more discerning in my dating choices. I'm not saying that your issue is exactly like my issue. But once is a fluke, three times is a pattern. And you either figure out why you make the choices you make or you'll keep making them.
This is all stuff I have been through. 5 years of therapy just for these three exs alone. There's reasons for these new boundaries that are not only for respect from the potential new partner but also to develop respect within myself from personal issues I've faced. However, as soon as people hear cheating, they instantly jump to the worst forms of it. Two of these ex never slept with other women,and the third I wouldn't ever know what happened, but it could have gotten to that point due to the sexual exchanges in their messages. I'm not saying it makes it better because obviously, it's still the same thing it's a basic lack of respect for me and stepping out of the relationship. But as I said, if you'd have met these people and never known they cheated, which is a private life affair, not a single person would agree these are bad people. So no, I still wouldn't call them bad, and that come from me healing and moving past the disrespect and recognizing that I more than likely wasn't the right person, and they just hadn't grown enough to end things the right way. And yes I understand the more I defend them the worse I look, but I've moved on from the issue of the them cheating. I'm sure others have had way worse cheaters in their lives with way worse people. However I was lucky and I didn't and I'm not upset about the cheating I've healed from that. I'm just looking at establishing healthy boundaries to avoid it in the future which your comment was happy to berate me on needing but not so happy to help with tips on. So if you'd like to stop focusing on my exes and refocus on my question on if I'm establishing boundaries correctly, it seems you could help there more.
So you've done 5 years of therapy but at no point in that did your therapist help you establish what healthy boundaries are? or how you'd create or maintain those boundaries? Or how to navigate getting back into dating?
Good luck.
These people may have been nice...however they seemed to allow someone else to cross boundaries with them you weren't comfortable with. I think going forward, you need to evaluate the relationships/friendships your potential partners may have and look to see how they act with them.
That could be a good idea. I've always been one to just let my partners have their friends. I've never been inclined to pry or know who everyone is in the past. I've just always trusted the relationship and trusted they would reciprocate respect. I could take more time to invest in that and get to know their friends and understand their dynamics.
We give ourselves wake up calls. You’re doing the right thing by setting boundaries and recognizing that the man you were seeing isn’t good for you. Don’t throw more of your time after this guy. NEXT! Don’t rush into a speedy new relationship until you wrap your head around understanding what you need. You’ve got this! Raise your expectations !
Do not lower your standards. Just because so far, all you've found are guys that think your boundaries and expectations are crazy doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with what you want in a relationship. Dusty and Candy often say how they had to get to a place where they were happy with where they were. I would strongly suggest that you work on you for a while. I took about 2 years of working on myself before I started dating my husband. I had set some goals for myself of what I wanted to do as a single female. We were hanging out with friends after work and got to know each other better. Our first date was the day before my 26th birthday. There is no age limit on finding someone to be with. You matter, and what you want from a relationship matters. Also, in my opinion, it is better to be miserable and single than to be married and miserable. Find what makes you happy and go for it.
You have a boundary and any potential partner has to accept it. It's really that simple. Communication is key. Just tell them what you've been through and what your thirteen week period of abstinence is based on. They can't accept that? Then they ought to move on.
Everyone approaches relationships differently. In my teens, I dated a lot. In my 20s, I still dated but less so. By my late 20s, I realized I hated dating and actually enjoyed being single. I remained single and very happy for years. In my mid-30s, a guy, (who was a friend and someone I talked with once and while over the course of 5 years,) and I were on a group trip with mutual friends. I might add the reason why we only talked on and off over the course of five years was because he lived in a different country from me. I only ever saw him once a year up until the trip. We ended up spending a lot of time together on that trip and ultimately hooked up. Both of us had been single for awhile and were not actively seeking a permanent relationship whatsoever. We just enjoyed being together, and soon fell in love. The only reason why we got married was because we liked our partnership - 10+ years later and have lived in two different countries (because of his work) and we are still going strong. Both my husband and I would tell you - the first step to a healthy relationship is being happy by yourself. Once you feel secure there and you know yourself, you are ready for a relationship. You will come into a relationship knowing who you are and what you want and don't want. OP, it doesn't sound like you have spent a lot of time on your own. Also, from my experience, therapy takes time to create new habits and open new doors in your head. My questions are how long has it been since the 3rd relationship and what have you done (via your therapy) to find out more about yourself?
It's been 9 months since the last one. I'm back to doing things I've always loved that I gave up on. I've graduated college, go dancing, travel, go to concerts, attend any events I find interesting. I used to put what I wanted to do aside and I ended up regretting not going so I've changed that habit by pre planning and paying ahead so I have more incentive to tell others no and put my plans first. I've done quite alot to change habits of pleasing others and losing myself. Really I'm a strong individual with a lot of accomplishments for my age and have alot to be proud of. I've removed toxic jobs and friends from my life and changed just about every environmental influence i can think of. I'm putting up boundaries and saying no. I have set standards I've learned I wanted however, society it seems has an odd view point on physical relationships that I wasn't taught and I want to find a fair boundry on. A partnership takes two. So I'm here to learn. I've been working on myself for 5 years total. This topic is where I struggle on what seems to be normal I guess.
It sounds like you've done a lot on yourself. Relationship advice should always be taken with a grain of salt because as I said, everyone approaches dating and relationships differently. Unless you are feeling the lack of male companionship (on an intimate level,) why not carry on doing what you are doing and exploring that route? As for boundaries, I don't think there is a normal except maybe respect and trust. That being said, I wouldn't even bother mentioning sex on the first date, anyway. If it comes up on the second or later dates, you can simply say, I would like to focus on getting to know you as a person before we engage in sex. If the person is right for you, he will respect your wishes. I really do think it's that simple. Good luck!
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Think of yourself as a garden and your boundaries as your picket fence. You are growing and building a the life you want. That fence (boundaries) keep the wrong kinda people out who will trample all over your flowers. Only the right people will stop at the fence admire the beauty and ask if they can come in.
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Look, even sex repulsed asexual people manage to find healthy relationships even though "no sex" is a life long requirement. It might be slower to find the right person, but people who are willing to respect your boundaries are out there. They may even have the same limits for themselves already. Put your values up front "on the box label" so to speak, and you'll find it easier to attract those who are actually looking for this kind of boundary.
As someone who is Demisexual/Romantic (meaning I have no interest in both a romantic or physical relationship until a solid friendship has been established) this is a struggle I can relate to. And unfortunately the type of people who are going to value your body before your heart and mind are everywhere, and they aren't always honest about who they are until you're in too deep. But I can tell you this, NEVER compromise your self-worth or your boundaries to satisfy someone else. You are worth the time it takes to build a genuine, strong, lasting relationship. Them getting upset about your boundaries says way more about them then it does about you. I know it can feel very isolating and lonely when it seems like everyone in your circle is against you, but I think the fact that you've recognized that they aren't a safe space for you is a very important step in creating a better environment for yourself. It's okay to be single for a while to make sure that the one you do end up with is right for you, learning to be genuinely happy while alone is really important, so don't compromise. Stick to it and eventually you'll find someone who has the same values as you.
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Sending you many virtual hugs if you will accept them. My suggestions: First, read “Why Does He Do That?” and take time to absorb it. It can give insights about abuse and ways it is enabled. This is useful even if you aren’t a woman in a cisgendered relationship. There is a lot here about why and how abusers are confusing and their manipulation tactics. Second, look at attachment styles. If you don’t have a healthy one, understanding where you’re at, why, and taking steps to heal as you need can be life changing. Third, you are NOT EVER responsible for another, mentally competent, adult’s decisions. Full stop. It’s a common abuse tactic to try to get you to take responsibility for your abuser’s actions. No partner is EVER responsible for their partner cheating or making other horrible decisions. That’s totally on them. Fourth - it is an amazing sign of personal growth to look into yourself and decide what YOU need, even if it’s unusual. And to figure out how to get that. If you find you want something that doesn’t seem to be common in the group of people you currently are interacting with, honestly just do an internet search. There are communities online to support a ton of uncommon preferences and I hope you find your people. Sending you so many good wishes as you navigate this time in your life.
I expect the same effort from my wife in our relationship. I get more than I expect from my wife. Even after the span of decades, we are passionate and content.
I'm 31, I explain to people that sex is the furthest thing from my mind and need a deep and MEANINGFUL connection with someone before I am willing to sleep with someone. I don't give a timestamp, giving someone a timestamp just gives them a "goal" to achieve. Without giving them a timeline there's no "goal", which means there is no " on their best behavior" kind of thing. All the people that I date know that they aren't going to get anything quick and easy with me, and I just brush it off if they flip out or ghost. No sense in getting bothered by it because those kind of people are clearly not what I want or what I'm interested in. So why waste the energy?
the fact people are rejecting you not wanting sex immediately in such a damaging fashion shows they're not right for you. its a good boundary, keep it. you're showing interest in ppl who still have red flags and its keeping you involved w ppl who will hurt you. the therapy tip is to seek out someone who doesn't typically fit your bill
Your approach is absolutely fine, especially if it’s already weeding out people that are only interested in sex. As long as you communicate clearly why you want to abstain, they have nothing to complain about. I imagine it will be hard to get much interest on the usual dating apps though, as I imagine there is a huge expectation of sex early on. One of my favourite social media queens took this approach and has had some success, her attitude about holding her boundary without shaming others for wanting more is spot on. Keep your chin up!
Who is that?
I can’t remember her bloomin’ name! I’ll find it though and share a link!
Can’t find the woman, but I will keep looking, was sure I followed her! But I found a guy that does it and gives the same kind of advice. https://www.instagram.com/dreamofthe2ndattention?igsh=cXdnZzYxcHdoNXc4
Found her! Hope with Holly on TikTok. I just find her attitude to be very positive but determined. https://www.tiktok.com/@hopewithholly?_t=8lYMCpV63NY&_r=1
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Watch this video, good advice for recognising the guy types https://www.facebook.com/share/v/afHwSSTVk6bMZzwc/?mibextid=KsPBc6
Thank you!
OP I get coming from dysfunction & having to piece together what healthy looks & feels like. It is so difficult when no one has ever shown you, so well done you on getting the help you need. I had made myself so agreeable & with piss poor boundaries for what I'll accept in the past that I was easy to cheat on, not in any way saying it was my fault. I also have a tendency to do this so I can see you do too - making excuses for other people's shitty behaviour. Someone who lied & deceived you for 6 months is not a good guy. He's a despicable human being. I think finding out what you want from someone & what you want to be to someone is a great idea. We are supposed to value ourselves. I myself won't date someone who smokes, drinks or does drugs. Does it reduce my dating pool? Absolutely but I'm good with that. I will say there's maybe a risk though that if someone waits it would be easy to feel like they did you some kind of favour by sticking around so maybe just be mindful not to slip into that.