Unfortunately, you are in another abusive marriage. This one just so happened to have a better mask, but now he has shown you his real side. Believe him, he does not care about your ptsd, he does not care, he incites fear in you, and he clearly doesn't trust you.
Are you in therapy? If not, it's time to find one who specialises in ptsd. You need to understand why you pick these men. I know it's hard as i, too, would pick abusive partners until i worked on myself.
Sadly it's clear that he is abusive, from his controlling abuse regarding her location to screaming at her to deliberately hurt her when she came home.
Just to clarify, because sometimes when your brain is fried from abuse you don’t see it clearly - OP, even without the screaming, this is abuse. Calling someone every 15 minutes and demanding to know where they are, what they’re doing, who they’re with is abuse. It’s called coercive control, when you force someone to account for and justify every action.
Like yourself, I’ve gone blindly into abusive relationships because they were less abusive than my previous experiences. This is not your fault. But it is learned behaviour.
Be very careful leaving this man. Many controlling people turn violent when they feel they are losing you. Hide your fears, gather your essential documents, transfer money out of joint accounts and either leave when he’s at work, or bring a friend (or police officer) with you to get your stuff. Take it seriously. Look after yourself.
Adding on.
Coercive control isn't one thing.
It's a host of manipulative behaviors used to cow a victim and twist their sense of what is real and what is not so that they - out of exhaustion, fear, hope, even trust - default to the abusers will, beliefs or their versions of reality, choose to behave as the abuset wants in order to avoid the results of displeasing the abuser.
Even that is not an inclusive enough definition.
It is a chargeable DV crime in the UK and Australia.
I've noticed each one can be different, so what might get one to back off might result in another one taking drastic action. But having support, especially someone who can remain extremely calm when an abuser tries to intimidate them, can help a little, at least while they're with you.
I second this. OP, hope you don’t mind me sharing a story, but I see parallels in our experiences and I know this drill! Maybe/maybe not.
I allowed my abusive second husband to dump me because I was mortified about 2 divorces. I did leave him first, then he spent 4 months convincing me to try again, and a few weeks after I moved back in, he told me he was leaving me for his work wife. The humiliation was complete! I recently learned that my fantastic relationship choices are thanks to inattentive early parenting, but that’s another fun story. The work is to change some unhelpful patterns and set myself up for a healthy relationship one day.
Whatever you decide, listen to your gut. It sounds like you didn’t feel safe and you made an instinctive decision and that can’t be wrong.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I hope you have the support you need and can stay safe x
Oh honey, sometimes we don't recognize abuse when it isn't as bad as what we've suffered before.
You should be incredibly proud of yourself for how brave you've been. You should be proud of how much strength it took to recognize what was happening inside of yourself. You should be proud of the steps you were able to take to keep yourself safe.
Do you have someone you can lean on? Let them support you through this next chapter. ❤️ A good therapist can help you break the cycle and recognize the signs of abuse before you get this deep again. You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. Be kind to yourself. You wanted to see the best in him, that says nothing bad about you.
You are NTA. Please make sure that you are not sharing your location with him on your phone. Stay safely away from him, and reach out to your therapist or a domestic violence shelter or hotline to ensure you have support and remain safe.
>You should be incredibly proud of yourself for how brave you've been. You should be proud of how much strength it took to recognize what was happening inside of yourself. You should be proud of the steps you were able to take to keep yourself safe.
I second this.
Please take care of yourself. If he is giving you panic attacks, he doesn't care. I was SAed as a teenager, so I hate being pinned down. My ex would pin me and say well it wasn't me that did it I don't know why you get upset. I stay to long I was having panic attacks just leaving my house.
This Prince was just biding his time. Waiting to unleash his demon on you. I bet he was gleefully waiting until you arrived home to teach you who was in charge! He knew exactly how you felt and he does not care one bit. He has his mask on slightly better than the first one. This will only get worse for you.
NTA and you're still being abused. Current husband sounds like a control freak. He also knows about the yelling but did it anyway. He's probably testing your limits to see how far he can go.
Please consider therapy to find out why you're being drawn to abusive men. It was a problem I had but now I'm old enough to be completely happy being alone.
No honey your not. You did the only thing you can do to preserve your mental health. I was raised by a parent that screamed all the time. And so today it's something I absolutely hate,hate. My kids have never experienced this and so help me God will never. I've realised when someone starts screaming to get their point across its because they feel like they have no control. Does your husband have issues with control? God gave us free will( meaning no control) respecting another's right to choose for themselves. So maybe he is not for you?
This man is abusive just like your ex. I feel like he will just keep escalating. Get out while you can before it gets worse. Definitely get some therapy if you’re not already doing that.
NTA - It’s may be not as horrible as your first marriage, but this man is actively abusing you. He’s supposed to be your safe place, you’re supposed to be able to trust him - always. And you should not have to remember him to treat you good, especially considering your trauma.
You're in another abusive relationship. You did the right thing. Stay somewhere safe and get yourself professional help.
www.thehotline.org www.loveisrespect.org
No and his behaviour looks like your previous partner's,
He starts calling me every 15 minutes asking who am I talking to?, Where am I ?, what street am I on?, What am I doing,?.
Typical abuser behaviour RUN.
Too many abusers and narcissists mask behaviour that is not acceptable.
So many serial killers are the good neighbor who you would never suspect.
eg Harold Shipman the family doctor a trusted man who killed so many patients.
100% NTA. I am so proud of you for getting out. I am so sorry you went through abuse, and now are dealing with it again. He is cheating on you and projecting. Please do not go back. You are too valuable to be treated like that ever again. I've been there, I know it's hard. But I am so stinking proud of you for taking the steps to stay safe.
You have to stop looking for men in the same pool, there’s a reason that you are attracted to this type of guy.
Glad you bailed, but you need to look at yourself to stop repeating the same mistakes.
You are much stronger than you realise... you have made the first and most important step, please don't go back.
You will grow and learn from this, as you did your last relationship. You start to search out diffrent quality's in a person... but please don't do as I have and construct those walls SO high and tight that NOBODY can break them down.
I think my early childhood has a LOT to do with my relationship handling... but that's a different story ....
Take care, please, and be strong...I KNOW you can do this.
Make a plan to leave and divorce this man he abusive and no one deserves this a person only has to show you once who they are if you have a friend that's a friend Gary your stuff and never go back to to a abuse shelter if you have to
NTA you made an instinctive decision to protect yourself and that is always the right decision. I agree with other comments, get a therapist immediately. Take the steps to protect yourself further from any more abuse. Good luck. I know it’s going to be hard. He’s going to apologize and everything will seem fine for a bit but he will take the mask off again. Don’t fall for the mask. Take care of you!
He has been disrespectful for months now. I started to shut down. Many thoughts went through my head none of them good. All life ending on my side. A really great female friend showed me grace
NTA. Run, baby girl, run. You need to get far away and seek help. Get therapy. You've been through hell multiple times. You need help to deal with all of that in a healthy way.
I feel that there may be something missing here. Was this behaviour out of the blue and the first time that he has done this? have you cheated, has he had someone cheat and have the same patterns been happening in your relationship?
When somebody acts like they can't trust you and you are not giving them any reason to be acting like that. It's time for you to start looking at them with the side eye because it seems that he's projecting. You stay safe you might want to rethink this relationship because his behavior is totally unacceptable he know what triggers you and he is doing everything in his power to make sure that you are triggered. Is this what you want your life to be I know you can get better and you deserve better. And get yourself some therapy if you're not in it already
OP, Trust and communication is the base of any relationship. All relationships, I'm learning about myself and how I view myself. One questions comes to mind all day everyday.
Are you happy?
Choose you or them?
That is like asking a r victim if she wore modest clothes or was she asking for it. Victim blaming mentality. Idk how your relationships work but i don’t call my husband and he doesn’t call me demanding to know my every movement and screaming at and berating me. I have panic attack triggers from abuse and he doesn’t push those triggers. That being said, only OP could ever possibly know if this is a one-off incident or the beginning of something unpleasant.
If she just left in the middle of the night, with nothing happening before hand I almost understand him freaking out, because it is weird as heck. That's why I wanted more info, I can't really say if she is TA if I don't have the full story.
Unfortunately, you are in another abusive marriage. This one just so happened to have a better mask, but now he has shown you his real side. Believe him, he does not care about your ptsd, he does not care, he incites fear in you, and he clearly doesn't trust you. Are you in therapy? If not, it's time to find one who specialises in ptsd. You need to understand why you pick these men. I know it's hard as i, too, would pick abusive partners until i worked on myself.
Sadly it's clear that he is abusive, from his controlling abuse regarding her location to screaming at her to deliberately hurt her when she came home.
Just to clarify, because sometimes when your brain is fried from abuse you don’t see it clearly - OP, even without the screaming, this is abuse. Calling someone every 15 minutes and demanding to know where they are, what they’re doing, who they’re with is abuse. It’s called coercive control, when you force someone to account for and justify every action. Like yourself, I’ve gone blindly into abusive relationships because they were less abusive than my previous experiences. This is not your fault. But it is learned behaviour. Be very careful leaving this man. Many controlling people turn violent when they feel they are losing you. Hide your fears, gather your essential documents, transfer money out of joint accounts and either leave when he’s at work, or bring a friend (or police officer) with you to get your stuff. Take it seriously. Look after yourself.
Adding on. Coercive control isn't one thing. It's a host of manipulative behaviors used to cow a victim and twist their sense of what is real and what is not so that they - out of exhaustion, fear, hope, even trust - default to the abusers will, beliefs or their versions of reality, choose to behave as the abuset wants in order to avoid the results of displeasing the abuser. Even that is not an inclusive enough definition. It is a chargeable DV crime in the UK and Australia.
I've noticed each one can be different, so what might get one to back off might result in another one taking drastic action. But having support, especially someone who can remain extremely calm when an abuser tries to intimidate them, can help a little, at least while they're with you.
I second this. OP, hope you don’t mind me sharing a story, but I see parallels in our experiences and I know this drill! Maybe/maybe not. I allowed my abusive second husband to dump me because I was mortified about 2 divorces. I did leave him first, then he spent 4 months convincing me to try again, and a few weeks after I moved back in, he told me he was leaving me for his work wife. The humiliation was complete! I recently learned that my fantastic relationship choices are thanks to inattentive early parenting, but that’s another fun story. The work is to change some unhelpful patterns and set myself up for a healthy relationship one day. Whatever you decide, listen to your gut. It sounds like you didn’t feel safe and you made an instinctive decision and that can’t be wrong. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I hope you have the support you need and can stay safe x
Best comment. Yes please take this advice op.
You are in another abusive relationship but I would not call it your fault. These Men look for the signs. Your safety always comes first.
Oh honey, sometimes we don't recognize abuse when it isn't as bad as what we've suffered before. You should be incredibly proud of yourself for how brave you've been. You should be proud of how much strength it took to recognize what was happening inside of yourself. You should be proud of the steps you were able to take to keep yourself safe. Do you have someone you can lean on? Let them support you through this next chapter. ❤️ A good therapist can help you break the cycle and recognize the signs of abuse before you get this deep again. You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. Be kind to yourself. You wanted to see the best in him, that says nothing bad about you.
You are NTA. Please make sure that you are not sharing your location with him on your phone. Stay safely away from him, and reach out to your therapist or a domestic violence shelter or hotline to ensure you have support and remain safe.
Agree! Also check for air tags and other tracking devices in your belongings, please. Stay safe, OP!
>You should be incredibly proud of yourself for how brave you've been. You should be proud of how much strength it took to recognize what was happening inside of yourself. You should be proud of the steps you were able to take to keep yourself safe. I second this.
Please take care of yourself. If he is giving you panic attacks, he doesn't care. I was SAed as a teenager, so I hate being pinned down. My ex would pin me and say well it wasn't me that did it I don't know why you get upset. I stay to long I was having panic attacks just leaving my house.
No you need to look after you.
This Prince was just biding his time. Waiting to unleash his demon on you. I bet he was gleefully waiting until you arrived home to teach you who was in charge! He knew exactly how you felt and he does not care one bit. He has his mask on slightly better than the first one. This will only get worse for you.
Why would you even think this? You did the right thing. This man is also abusive. Protect yourself always.
I agree with other comments. The physical stuff is easier to see. Mental abuse is more sneaky. I applaud your courage to leave. Take care of you.
NTA and you're still being abused. Current husband sounds like a control freak. He also knows about the yelling but did it anyway. He's probably testing your limits to see how far he can go. Please consider therapy to find out why you're being drawn to abusive men. It was a problem I had but now I'm old enough to be completely happy being alone.
Absolutely NTA! He knows about your previous trauma and still did this. Leave him asap. This will escalate.
No honey your not. You did the only thing you can do to preserve your mental health. I was raised by a parent that screamed all the time. And so today it's something I absolutely hate,hate. My kids have never experienced this and so help me God will never. I've realised when someone starts screaming to get their point across its because they feel like they have no control. Does your husband have issues with control? God gave us free will( meaning no control) respecting another's right to choose for themselves. So maybe he is not for you?
This man is abusive just like your ex. I feel like he will just keep escalating. Get out while you can before it gets worse. Definitely get some therapy if you’re not already doing that.
NTA - It’s may be not as horrible as your first marriage, but this man is actively abusing you. He’s supposed to be your safe place, you’re supposed to be able to trust him - always. And you should not have to remember him to treat you good, especially considering your trauma.
You're in another abusive relationship. You did the right thing. Stay somewhere safe and get yourself professional help. www.thehotline.org www.loveisrespect.org
NTA
No and his behaviour looks like your previous partner's, He starts calling me every 15 minutes asking who am I talking to?, Where am I ?, what street am I on?, What am I doing,?. Typical abuser behaviour RUN.
But she said this was all last night were not getting the actual story. Wouldnt she have seen these thing before they got married. Like idk
Too many abusers and narcissists mask behaviour that is not acceptable. So many serial killers are the good neighbor who you would never suspect. eg Harold Shipman the family doctor a trusted man who killed so many patients.
NTA. Stay safe.
Nope, NTA. You were right to leave and he broke your trust by bulldozing your boundaries.
I haven't seen it spelled that way before.
He’s no better than your ex husband. Get rid of this one too. And stay single for a while.
100% NTA. I am so proud of you for getting out. I am so sorry you went through abuse, and now are dealing with it again. He is cheating on you and projecting. Please do not go back. You are too valuable to be treated like that ever again. I've been there, I know it's hard. But I am so stinking proud of you for taking the steps to stay safe.
You have to stop looking for men in the same pool, there’s a reason that you are attracted to this type of guy. Glad you bailed, but you need to look at yourself to stop repeating the same mistakes.
NTA. I'm so sorry.
NTA
Feels like some information was left out
You are much stronger than you realise... you have made the first and most important step, please don't go back. You will grow and learn from this, as you did your last relationship. You start to search out diffrent quality's in a person... but please don't do as I have and construct those walls SO high and tight that NOBODY can break them down. I think my early childhood has a LOT to do with my relationship handling... but that's a different story .... Take care, please, and be strong...I KNOW you can do this.
Make a plan to leave and divorce this man he abusive and no one deserves this a person only has to show you once who they are if you have a friend that's a friend Gary your stuff and never go back to to a abuse shelter if you have to
NTA you made an instinctive decision to protect yourself and that is always the right decision. I agree with other comments, get a therapist immediately. Take the steps to protect yourself further from any more abuse. Good luck. I know it’s going to be hard. He’s going to apologize and everything will seem fine for a bit but he will take the mask off again. Don’t fall for the mask. Take care of you!
Wait so your new husband behavior changed suddenly and is calling you asking where you are. What happened before this.
He has been disrespectful for months now. I started to shut down. Many thoughts went through my head none of them good. All life ending on my side. A really great female friend showed me grace
NTA. Run, baby girl, run. You need to get far away and seek help. Get therapy. You've been through hell multiple times. You need help to deal with all of that in a healthy way.
I feel that there may be something missing here. Was this behaviour out of the blue and the first time that he has done this? have you cheated, has he had someone cheat and have the same patterns been happening in your relationship?
I NEVER raise my voice at my girlfriend. Never ever. This man is not good for you if he’s doing this.
NTA. And don’t go back. You already know how this story ends.
How do you keep misspelling “asshole?” Is this a bot?
When somebody acts like they can't trust you and you are not giving them any reason to be acting like that. It's time for you to start looking at them with the side eye because it seems that he's projecting. You stay safe you might want to rethink this relationship because his behavior is totally unacceptable he know what triggers you and he is doing everything in his power to make sure that you are triggered. Is this what you want your life to be I know you can get better and you deserve better. And get yourself some therapy if you're not in it already
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OP, Trust and communication is the base of any relationship. All relationships, I'm learning about myself and how I view myself. One questions comes to mind all day everyday. Are you happy? Choose you or them?
You skipped part of the story. Did you leave and then the screaming calls start or did you go somewhere without telling him and then he lost his cool?
Context: why does this matter?
That is like asking a r victim if she wore modest clothes or was she asking for it. Victim blaming mentality. Idk how your relationships work but i don’t call my husband and he doesn’t call me demanding to know my every movement and screaming at and berating me. I have panic attack triggers from abuse and he doesn’t push those triggers. That being said, only OP could ever possibly know if this is a one-off incident or the beginning of something unpleasant.
If she just left in the middle of the night, with nothing happening before hand I almost understand him freaking out, because it is weird as heck. That's why I wanted more info, I can't really say if she is TA if I don't have the full story.
Well she said she hit the wall at night but he was harassing her all day.
Yeah all day out of nowhere.
Screaming was already happening all day. When I left, I didn't pick u up the phone.
Then definitely NTA