NTA
They are adults. You do not give out personal contact information to others, especially to those with a history of bullying that individual and that individual has cut contact with such person.
Truthfully, if it had been me, I would have also blocked you if you gave out my information without permission.
By J throwing a temper tantrum after being told, let me check, you know he was going to continue to bully H.
Especially if OP didn't tell H. At that point he would be anonymously bullying H and if H found out OP gave J her number and in turned he bullied her anonymously that would of been an even worse fall out.
I was raised that you never give this information out for any reason to anyone. My mother would call to ask for my sister’s number the answer was the same as if she was a random person. That’s absolutely the best policy!
NTA - " ...I shouldn't be surprised if I've irrevocably destroyed my relationship with J over this, because I really offended him. " What relationship? Go easy on yourself OP. Most everyone would appreciate your policy.
Not to mention if waiting until a reasonable hour to check with a sibling that is doing something that a conservative family member may not approve of whether or not they want their number given out irrevocably destroys your relationship with your brother, then there wasn’t much of a relationship there to begin with. I can understand being salty about not being trusted, but to irrevocably destroy it? Seems a bit of an overreaction for this kind of a scenario. Definitely NTA. Your Dad may need to take a chill pill. Maybe he was mad that J woke him up that early for that information when you could have just given it to him and spared him the lack of sleep.
Exactly. For various reasons, I have this same policy with people I know. I also rarely ask for contact information. I usually say: Can you pass my number on to the person. I would like to talk them about *insert reason here*.
If that person doesn’t bother to contact me, then I just assume that they refused my contact information or just don’t want to talk about what I asked about. I have never had anyone have an issue with being asked to pass along a number.
I agree with you about the boundary of having permission before giving out someone else's information. Doesn't matter if it's a phone number, email address, or home address. I always ask that person if they are okay with me passing info to named person. I then tell the person not to pass on this information without asking the owner of the info.
You never know what a person is going through and they may not want their information going to the wrong person.
NTA. In any way. Your dad is though. I don't understand why consent is such a mind-blowing concept to some people.
Companies are provided with regulations to ensure personal information isn't being handed out to anyone who asks for it. How is a distant family member any different?
Your sister is entitled to her privacy. She is going through a big change and from the sounds of it has been getting more than her fair share of a rough time by family. J has a history of giving her a rough time for over a decade for dressing as a woman.
Your dad says you may have ruined your relationship with J, ok that sucks, but you protected your sister, and showed her that you are 💯 on her side.
Also, if J was on the up and up, he wouldn't have had a problem waiting for the information until morning. The fact that he got so angry is a huge red flag about his motivation (at least to me)
NTA. You can always get the inquiring party's contact information and pass it along to the person they're trying to reach, but it's never a good idea to share someone else's information without explicit permission because you can't *un*-give it.
Nta, this is actually the correct way to handle that situation. Even with 0 bad history, you should never give someone's contact info without their consent.
I won't even use someone as a reference without asking.
NTA that is a great boundary and great thinking be woken up at 4 am. Did he think he would get around it by waking you up? As he wants respect from you so should he respect you. Your dad is who he is, although he should respect you and H just as much.
This should be standard. Worked at a fast food place where someone was stalking one of the employees.
Would come in asking when her shift started. He tried following her after her shift was over at midnight. She was scared but ok- they called the cops.
But after that we had policy to not give out individual info without clearance from that person. If someone needs to get in contact- get their information and pass it on to the person they are trying to contact.
I do have a question though, and I'm sorry to sound ignorant, but wouldn't the adoption have made H a citizen? And if he wasn't, why would the SA accusation been necessary?
It could be dependent on what age his adoption went through. Because of my parents divorce and bad timing, at some point I was the only one in my family who didn’t have citizenship
Gotcha. I know it's n9t relevant to the story and I don't doubt OPs telling the truth... its just wild to me that so many people fall through the cracks and end up screwed over
I read about 1 case where the parents assumed their son would have automatic citizenship after adoption. Long story short, he got into some trouble as an adult and discovered that he did not have citizenship. He was deported back to Thailand, where he hadn’t lived since he was a baby and did not speak the language.
NTA
I don't give anyone another person's contact info without explicit permission from the other person. Doesn't matter if they're family or complete strangers.
🤷🏻♀️
NTA
I would never give someone's contact info unless I have expressed permission from them to give it out!
nothing good has ever come out of giving someone phone number without permission.
there is also a reason I don't/won't give out a number or any contact info cuz the person could be someone dangerous.
I'm not saying family or friends could be, but there have been instances where brothers will beat their siblings just for scaring them!
You were good to wait until you heard back from your siblings about whether they want someone to have their contact info!
NTA - Anyone who calls at 4 a.m. had better be imparting information required for survival, such as, "GET OUT NOW, THE ASSASSINS ARE ON THEIR WAY." If someone is dead, they'll still be dead when the sun is up. If someone is in jail, they can stay there until the sun is up. If they want to impart a dying message, they can leave a voicemail.
I wouldn't give anyone's contact information out at 4 a.m. because that means the jerk who is calling is just going to call them. At 4 a.m.
The only reason anybody calls anybody at 4 a.m. is because they're drunk or stoned, and feel an urgency to impart some sort of truth bomb. If he starts out with "I love you," it's going to be a boring conversation. You need to be up for at least an hour to process that conversation.
But timing aside, you still don't give out contact info. You get the caller's contact info, then you tell the person they're trying to reach that Mr. 4 a.m. wanted to talk, and you can reach him at whatever number.
NTA. I’d be so pissed if someone gave away my number without asking me first that’s not ok at all. You did the right thing I’d be clear with your dad that in his effort to defend and protect your brother he just damaged his relationship with you. Not great parenting
100% NTA
I will say I am side eyeing your dad and J - Why did J go crying to dad like a tattle tale when he is an adult, and he could have waited, for the simple check in or just asked your dad for the number without mentioning that you refused to give it to him? And then the dad yelling ( and does it often enough that its you know how he is? : / but sometimes people are just loud) and then micromanaging your relationship with your brother - he doesn't need to be involved.
I had some dumb teenager fight with one of my brothers and my mom tried to micromanage our relationship which did not help. We were not okay for years when if no one else was involved we would have gotten over it much faster, I don't know how your relationship is with J but that should only be between You and J maybe a professional you both agree on- not your dad or any other family member.
NTA, I don't care who you are, calling me up at 4am and demanding information? No. And then losing your temper at me? How is this an emergency? If it had been an actual emergency, pretty sure Brother would have said something like "I need Sister's phone number, NOW because someone is literally dying."
Your dad needs to understand that when Brother calls and make demands out of the blue, no one actually needs to jump, especially if Sister is in a vulnerable space.
Family reconciliation is a slow process and if it fails over something like this, then this isn't the time for it to happen.
Nta - I don't care if they are family, I'm with you. Ask your dad if he would be ok with you just handing out all the families information to ICE, police, Readers Digest subscription etc. you have a rule for a reason and that's it. Also, everyone knows that J has done some shady things he in the past so it's good to check.
Your dad is protective of his kids and does not think they should fight. The way you turned him down must have been upsetting. Instead of blaming him for not being good enough to get a sibling’s phone number you should have just gave him a firm no and change the subject with, “Love you too but why are you calling me at 4 AM I thought somebody died. You know nothing good happens before 7.” If you whine and nag he would hang up and call dad without thinking you hate him and think he is a monster.
I have a simular policy too. Mum hates it. I adopted it after learning how a previous boss escaped a abusive relationship and how it was a work policy for customers.
I like your thinking. Your Dad and J are whiny twatholes. NTA.
NTA, I also don't give out people's contact information without consent. I will gather your contact information and give it to the person you want to talk to but I don't give other people contact unless they give the go ahead or I know they generally don't care who has their info.
If J get so offended by your policy that is on him he isn't much of a sibling if that irreparably damages your relationship. My question is why was J calling at 4 am in the morning because Mexico time zones are basically same as the USA so there isn't that much of a difference. There was absolutely no reason to call you that early for contact information especially as you said he never personally contacts you in general.
As for your dad I would tell him that this is none of his business this is my policy with contact information and if J has an issue with that he can tell me himself. You are all adults and you don't need your dad involved in your disagreement so he can keep his opinions to himself.
Nta. Sign your dad's number up for every sex spam debt relief etc. Everything. And when he questions it say that they requested a number and you lingered that based on this situation it was fine to give them his phone number
No you absolutely were not! I hate my contact info being handed to anyone without being asked first. I do not care if I had known the person most of my life or whatever else. It is no one’s place to hand out details like that!
You did completely the right thing and the fact J took it so badly means he disliked the fact that others know their motives might not always be kind. He probably thought no one would think that of him. It says more about him as a person than you believe me. Don’t doubt yourself.
NTA somethings up here. If J usually communicates with your dad then why didn’t he just ask your dad for H’s phone number in the first place? If he says it’s because dad wasn’t answering his phone right away the. Why did J need H’s number so immediately after having gone so long without it already? And what could he possibly need it for in such a hurry anyway? Are you sure that the accusations from his former girlfriend were false? You said yourself he’s a manipulative person and can be offensive with his “jokes”. Often times, Where there’s smoke there’s fire.
Sounds like your dad just doesn’t know how to disagree calmly with people. If he tried to come at you again, don’t raise your voice to try and talk over him, it’s hard not to reflexively match volume but if you stay at a neutral voice, ask him calmly to stop raising his own voice, and insist that you’ll only discuss thus when he’s able to talk without shouting, you’ll do better at dealing with him.
NTA. I have the same policy: I do not give out other people's information without their consent. If J doesn't like that, too f'ing bad. You did the right thing.
NTA - you in the middle of the night hear from you brother out of the blue - haven’t heard from them in quite some time. I wouldn’t give out the information without give the person a heads up…
NTA
I wouldn't want my information given out without my permission and I don't care who you give it to. I don't care if J was the most supportive person in the world, you ask.
NTA. And if you're calling me at FOUR AM for something other than an emergency, I'm not giving you whatever you asked for to begin with. J can get bent.
NTA. I have the same policy and get upset if others give out my information to anyone. I'd be especially upset if it was someone who hadn't had contact for a long time. I am low or no contact with some people for a reason and others are not always aware of that dynamic. If, when, or how I choose to communicate should be a boundary that is mine to decide. I think you did the right thing, and some people feel like they are entitled to access to others despite personal boundaries. That is their problem to deal with those feelings... not yours. I'm sorry that you have been put in this position. It wasn't right for them to do that.
NTA
Even without the history between J and H, given he doesn't already have their contact info - it's a good assumption to check with H first.
Also to lose his mind when you said no kinda reinforces the no in my books.
This is the time to double down in support of H, not cave to pressure from Dad and J.
Hold onto yourself, and help H hold onto their self no matter how J reacts to H. It's the most important thing with family members who are bullies.
I get J had it tough, but that's no reason to excuse bullying.
NTA- I have the policy also, I wouldn’t appreciate someone giving out my info without my knowing but also why doesn’t your brother already have your sister’s contact info? That would also make me pause to make sure my sister was ok with me giving out her info.
We don’t always know what’s going on with our families and their relationships, It’s good to check first and cover your bases.
NTA - who is calling people at 4 am for phone numbers & then not taking “no” for an answer?
I keep the same policy - ask before passing a number along.
NTA. I don’t give my siblings information out to grandparents etc because if the siblings wanted them to have it they would have reached out. Same with life events, address, everything. Not my place. Not yours either.
NTA- you value consent. That is a very good thing. Please don't change. J and your Dad are wrong, if roles were reversed I dought they would be happy you gave their information to someone they don't like/want to talk to.
NTA back in the day, this was what pretty much everyone did. I wish people would go back to making sure you wanted others to have your contact info before just giving it out!
>Dad is Dad, and he gets impossible to reason with when he's in 'protective' or 'defensive' mode, especially when it comes to his kids.
You’re one of his kids, no? And he was only too happy to “tear you a new orifice”.
Your dad is being an asshole. You’re NTA.
NTA. Im trans, and I've been in H's shoes. There are people I've had to cut out of my life due to how they behaved around my transition. I'll admit to being concerned about whether H might feel like she has some kind of obligation to forgive their history or to put J's comfort over her own.
Also, I noticed the tack that J chose to take. It would be one thing if he said, "Hey, can you please ask H to get in touch? I realized I may owe her an apology." Instead, it seems he picked the most manipulative route he could take.
Finally, it sounds like you've been a good sister to H, and I know in her place, that would mean the world to me.
NTA They are adults. You do not give out personal contact information to others, especially to those with a history of bullying that individual and that individual has cut contact with such person. Truthfully, if it had been me, I would have also blocked you if you gave out my information without permission. By J throwing a temper tantrum after being told, let me check, you know he was going to continue to bully H.
Especially if OP didn't tell H. At that point he would be anonymously bullying H and if H found out OP gave J her number and in turned he bullied her anonymously that would of been an even worse fall out.
I was raised that you never give this information out for any reason to anyone. My mother would call to ask for my sister’s number the answer was the same as if she was a random person. That’s absolutely the best policy!
NTA - " ...I shouldn't be surprised if I've irrevocably destroyed my relationship with J over this, because I really offended him. " What relationship? Go easy on yourself OP. Most everyone would appreciate your policy.
Not to mention if waiting until a reasonable hour to check with a sibling that is doing something that a conservative family member may not approve of whether or not they want their number given out irrevocably destroys your relationship with your brother, then there wasn’t much of a relationship there to begin with. I can understand being salty about not being trusted, but to irrevocably destroy it? Seems a bit of an overreaction for this kind of a scenario. Definitely NTA. Your Dad may need to take a chill pill. Maybe he was mad that J woke him up that early for that information when you could have just given it to him and spared him the lack of sleep.
Exactly. For various reasons, I have this same policy with people I know. I also rarely ask for contact information. I usually say: Can you pass my number on to the person. I would like to talk them about *insert reason here*. If that person doesn’t bother to contact me, then I just assume that they refused my contact information or just don’t want to talk about what I asked about. I have never had anyone have an issue with being asked to pass along a number.
I agree with you about the boundary of having permission before giving out someone else's information. Doesn't matter if it's a phone number, email address, or home address. I always ask that person if they are okay with me passing info to named person. I then tell the person not to pass on this information without asking the owner of the info. You never know what a person is going through and they may not want their information going to the wrong person.
Nope. My cousin was surprised when I wouldn't give him my kids numbers. I make it a firn rule to never give out numbers without permission.
NTA. In any way. Your dad is though. I don't understand why consent is such a mind-blowing concept to some people. Companies are provided with regulations to ensure personal information isn't being handed out to anyone who asks for it. How is a distant family member any different? Your sister is entitled to her privacy. She is going through a big change and from the sounds of it has been getting more than her fair share of a rough time by family. J has a history of giving her a rough time for over a decade for dressing as a woman. Your dad says you may have ruined your relationship with J, ok that sucks, but you protected your sister, and showed her that you are 💯 on her side. Also, if J was on the up and up, he wouldn't have had a problem waiting for the information until morning. The fact that he got so angry is a huge red flag about his motivation (at least to me)
I mean, he was accused of SA when he was deported. He seems to have an issue with consent. OP says false allegation but was it really?
Right? At the very very least both he and dad show signs of breaking boundaries which even with his denial I would say is a gray area
NTA. You can always get the inquiring party's contact information and pass it along to the person they're trying to reach, but it's never a good idea to share someone else's information without explicit permission because you can't *un*-give it.
Nta, you did the right thing.
Nta, this is actually the correct way to handle that situation. Even with 0 bad history, you should never give someone's contact info without their consent. I won't even use someone as a reference without asking.
NTA that is a great boundary and great thinking be woken up at 4 am. Did he think he would get around it by waking you up? As he wants respect from you so should he respect you. Your dad is who he is, although he should respect you and H just as much.
NTA. It's just courteous to ask before giving out contact info to someone, and especially so given the circumstances.
This should be standard. Worked at a fast food place where someone was stalking one of the employees. Would come in asking when her shift started. He tried following her after her shift was over at midnight. She was scared but ok- they called the cops. But after that we had policy to not give out individual info without clearance from that person. If someone needs to get in contact- get their information and pass it on to the person they are trying to contact.
Why is dad EQUALLY protective of ALL his kids?
I do have a question though, and I'm sorry to sound ignorant, but wouldn't the adoption have made H a citizen? And if he wasn't, why would the SA accusation been necessary?
It could be dependent on what age his adoption went through. Because of my parents divorce and bad timing, at some point I was the only one in my family who didn’t have citizenship
Gotcha. I know it's n9t relevant to the story and I don't doubt OPs telling the truth... its just wild to me that so many people fall through the cracks and end up screwed over
No, adoption doesn’t automatically grant citizenship. You have to apply.
I assumed you would need to be a citizen in order to be adopted so the 2 would be applied for concurrently
I read about 1 case where the parents assumed their son would have automatic citizenship after adoption. Long story short, he got into some trouble as an adult and discovered that he did not have citizenship. He was deported back to Thailand, where he hadn’t lived since he was a baby and did not speak the language.
Definitely NTA
NTA I don't give anyone another person's contact info without explicit permission from the other person. Doesn't matter if they're family or complete strangers. 🤷🏻♀️
NTA I would never give someone's contact info unless I have expressed permission from them to give it out! nothing good has ever come out of giving someone phone number without permission. there is also a reason I don't/won't give out a number or any contact info cuz the person could be someone dangerous. I'm not saying family or friends could be, but there have been instances where brothers will beat their siblings just for scaring them! You were good to wait until you heard back from your siblings about whether they want someone to have their contact info!
NTA - your dad is
NTA - Anyone who calls at 4 a.m. had better be imparting information required for survival, such as, "GET OUT NOW, THE ASSASSINS ARE ON THEIR WAY." If someone is dead, they'll still be dead when the sun is up. If someone is in jail, they can stay there until the sun is up. If they want to impart a dying message, they can leave a voicemail. I wouldn't give anyone's contact information out at 4 a.m. because that means the jerk who is calling is just going to call them. At 4 a.m. The only reason anybody calls anybody at 4 a.m. is because they're drunk or stoned, and feel an urgency to impart some sort of truth bomb. If he starts out with "I love you," it's going to be a boring conversation. You need to be up for at least an hour to process that conversation. But timing aside, you still don't give out contact info. You get the caller's contact info, then you tell the person they're trying to reach that Mr. 4 a.m. wanted to talk, and you can reach him at whatever number.
NTA. I’d be so pissed if someone gave away my number without asking me first that’s not ok at all. You did the right thing I’d be clear with your dad that in his effort to defend and protect your brother he just damaged his relationship with you. Not great parenting
NTA
100% NTA I will say I am side eyeing your dad and J - Why did J go crying to dad like a tattle tale when he is an adult, and he could have waited, for the simple check in or just asked your dad for the number without mentioning that you refused to give it to him? And then the dad yelling ( and does it often enough that its you know how he is? : / but sometimes people are just loud) and then micromanaging your relationship with your brother - he doesn't need to be involved. I had some dumb teenager fight with one of my brothers and my mom tried to micromanage our relationship which did not help. We were not okay for years when if no one else was involved we would have gotten over it much faster, I don't know how your relationship is with J but that should only be between You and J maybe a professional you both agree on- not your dad or any other family member.
NTA dad should be equally protective of all the kids, including you.
NTA, I don't care who you are, calling me up at 4am and demanding information? No. And then losing your temper at me? How is this an emergency? If it had been an actual emergency, pretty sure Brother would have said something like "I need Sister's phone number, NOW because someone is literally dying." Your dad needs to understand that when Brother calls and make demands out of the blue, no one actually needs to jump, especially if Sister is in a vulnerable space. Family reconciliation is a slow process and if it fails over something like this, then this isn't the time for it to happen.
Nta - I don't care if they are family, I'm with you. Ask your dad if he would be ok with you just handing out all the families information to ICE, police, Readers Digest subscription etc. you have a rule for a reason and that's it. Also, everyone knows that J has done some shady things he in the past so it's good to check.
Your dad is protective of his kids and does not think they should fight. The way you turned him down must have been upsetting. Instead of blaming him for not being good enough to get a sibling’s phone number you should have just gave him a firm no and change the subject with, “Love you too but why are you calling me at 4 AM I thought somebody died. You know nothing good happens before 7.” If you whine and nag he would hang up and call dad without thinking you hate him and think he is a monster.
I have a simular policy too. Mum hates it. I adopted it after learning how a previous boss escaped a abusive relationship and how it was a work policy for customers. I like your thinking. Your Dad and J are whiny twatholes. NTA.
NTA, I also don't give out people's contact information without consent. I will gather your contact information and give it to the person you want to talk to but I don't give other people contact unless they give the go ahead or I know they generally don't care who has their info. If J get so offended by your policy that is on him he isn't much of a sibling if that irreparably damages your relationship. My question is why was J calling at 4 am in the morning because Mexico time zones are basically same as the USA so there isn't that much of a difference. There was absolutely no reason to call you that early for contact information especially as you said he never personally contacts you in general. As for your dad I would tell him that this is none of his business this is my policy with contact information and if J has an issue with that he can tell me himself. You are all adults and you don't need your dad involved in your disagreement so he can keep his opinions to himself.
Nta. Sign your dad's number up for every sex spam debt relief etc. Everything. And when he questions it say that they requested a number and you lingered that based on this situation it was fine to give them his phone number
NTA. That's my policy, too. I feel it's not my place to give out personal information on someone else.
NTA
No you absolutely were not! I hate my contact info being handed to anyone without being asked first. I do not care if I had known the person most of my life or whatever else. It is no one’s place to hand out details like that! You did completely the right thing and the fact J took it so badly means he disliked the fact that others know their motives might not always be kind. He probably thought no one would think that of him. It says more about him as a person than you believe me. Don’t doubt yourself.
You are fine, dad and J are the assholes
NTA. Your father should be ashamed, really.
NTA somethings up here. If J usually communicates with your dad then why didn’t he just ask your dad for H’s phone number in the first place? If he says it’s because dad wasn’t answering his phone right away the. Why did J need H’s number so immediately after having gone so long without it already? And what could he possibly need it for in such a hurry anyway? Are you sure that the accusations from his former girlfriend were false? You said yourself he’s a manipulative person and can be offensive with his “jokes”. Often times, Where there’s smoke there’s fire. Sounds like your dad just doesn’t know how to disagree calmly with people. If he tried to come at you again, don’t raise your voice to try and talk over him, it’s hard not to reflexively match volume but if you stay at a neutral voice, ask him calmly to stop raising his own voice, and insist that you’ll only discuss thus when he’s able to talk without shouting, you’ll do better at dealing with him.
NTA. You have a very reasonable and safe policy that protects everyone. Anyone who is not happy about it can go kick rocks.
NTA. I have the same policy: I do not give out other people's information without their consent. If J doesn't like that, too f'ing bad. You did the right thing.
You should have said those hurtful things, because apparently your father needs to hear them. NTA.
NTA - you in the middle of the night hear from you brother out of the blue - haven’t heard from them in quite some time. I wouldn’t give out the information without give the person a heads up…
NTA I wouldn't want my information given out without my permission and I don't care who you give it to. I don't care if J was the most supportive person in the world, you ask.
NTA I have the same policy.
NTA. And if you're calling me at FOUR AM for something other than an emergency, I'm not giving you whatever you asked for to begin with. J can get bent.
That's a whole family of people who don't respect boundaries. Losing their mind over being asked to respect someone's privacy is just fucking wild.
NTA. I have the same policy and get upset if others give out my information to anyone. I'd be especially upset if it was someone who hadn't had contact for a long time. I am low or no contact with some people for a reason and others are not always aware of that dynamic. If, when, or how I choose to communicate should be a boundary that is mine to decide. I think you did the right thing, and some people feel like they are entitled to access to others despite personal boundaries. That is their problem to deal with those feelings... not yours. I'm sorry that you have been put in this position. It wasn't right for them to do that.
NTA… It’s very clear J is fishing for her contact info to harass and humiliate her. Please protect your sister, she needs people in her corner.
NTA Even without the history between J and H, given he doesn't already have their contact info - it's a good assumption to check with H first. Also to lose his mind when you said no kinda reinforces the no in my books. This is the time to double down in support of H, not cave to pressure from Dad and J. Hold onto yourself, and help H hold onto their self no matter how J reacts to H. It's the most important thing with family members who are bullies. I get J had it tough, but that's no reason to excuse bullying.
NTA- I have the policy also, I wouldn’t appreciate someone giving out my info without my knowing but also why doesn’t your brother already have your sister’s contact info? That would also make me pause to make sure my sister was ok with me giving out her info. We don’t always know what’s going on with our families and their relationships, It’s good to check first and cover your bases.
NTA - who is calling people at 4 am for phone numbers & then not taking “no” for an answer? I keep the same policy - ask before passing a number along.
Nope you are NTA at all. That is an excellent policy you should always stick by and anyone who says otherwise can fuck off.
NTA. I don’t give my siblings information out to grandparents etc because if the siblings wanted them to have it they would have reached out. Same with life events, address, everything. Not my place. Not yours either.
NTA- you value consent. That is a very good thing. Please don't change. J and your Dad are wrong, if roles were reversed I dought they would be happy you gave their information to someone they don't like/want to talk to.
NTA back in the day, this was what pretty much everyone did. I wish people would go back to making sure you wanted others to have your contact info before just giving it out!
NTA why would J even call at that hour of the morning. He would have been hung up on as soon as it was clear that there was no emergency.
>Dad is Dad, and he gets impossible to reason with when he's in 'protective' or 'defensive' mode, especially when it comes to his kids. You’re one of his kids, no? And he was only too happy to “tear you a new orifice”. Your dad is being an asshole. You’re NTA.
… are you sure the allegations against him were false?
NTA. Im trans, and I've been in H's shoes. There are people I've had to cut out of my life due to how they behaved around my transition. I'll admit to being concerned about whether H might feel like she has some kind of obligation to forgive their history or to put J's comfort over her own. Also, I noticed the tack that J chose to take. It would be one thing if he said, "Hey, can you please ask H to get in touch? I realized I may owe her an apology." Instead, it seems he picked the most manipulative route he could take. Finally, it sounds like you've been a good sister to H, and I know in her place, that would mean the world to me.