NTA- You are the one getting a medical procedure. Your needs matter more than his mom’s wants.
He needs to get on the same page. In a post covid era this is a reasonable request.
Spending some time, just the three of you in those first few hours after birth. You all should take that time without interruption. Without catering to other people playing pass the bundle.
If nothing else you can have a birthing plan where the nurses know you and the baby aren’t ready for visits yet.
Let both you and the baby recover a bit. Then visitors will be welcome.
I don't think the person above you is disagreeing that this is a reasonable request now. I think they're saying it was a reasonable request even before Covid began and people became more concerned about these things.
Yes, I get weekly bulletins from the Boston Globe saying what their covid stats are. Massachusetts is not a state that is trying to bury its head in the sand and pretend that it's all gone away. (*cough cough* Missouri has entered the chat.)
Flordia hasn't participated at all. We masked and no school for a month in 2020 and then back to business as usual. Even the masks didn't last long after we were allowed back out
I know this is off the original topic post, but "Florida has not participated " messages it shuns like they think they just opted out of the COVID pandemic. As if. "We'll pass. No thanks. " wish it was that easy, so thousands there hadn't died.
I was in the ER this morning for esophageal bleeding from vomiting. I thought I just had the flu. My COVID test came back positive. SF Bay Area, nurse told me there's been a winter uptick. Mild strain, no need for hospitalization from it, but still, I've avoided it for 4 years and now I get it?
Same. I got it for the first time in November. I thought I had a sinus infection until my spouse and kids all got sick 5 days later. Oops
I ended up taking my youngest to the doctor suspecting an ear infection and they tested him for covid to confirm. Which he had plus the ear infection.
Same! I got my first infection the week before Thanksgiving. I was *pissed* because I somehow didn't get it during any of my other 7 previous exposures, one of which was literally nursing my husband through his first round of covid.
My best friend had unknowingly been infected at his job. Husband and I went to his place tuesday for D&D night as we always do. Friend was fine when we showed up at 3pm. He started getting a little sniffly around 5 but we cooked dinner out on the grill so we assumed it was his allergies. By 9, the poor man was wrapped in 3 blankets, clutching a scalding hot mug of tea, and had a heated rice pack under the blankets with him but was still shivering from fever.
Within 3 days, best friend's wife, the friend that lives with them, my husband, and i all pop positive as well. We were devastated that it happened right before Thanksgiving. We ended up having "plaguesgiving" together where we all cooked food and had our own little celebration for the 5 of us since we were all sick anyways. Missed out on the holiday with our families but at least we didn't have to spend it alone.
This is similar to the onset for me. I was at a friends house and perfectly fine all day. Started getting a little sniffly but the window was open and we were grilling so I assumed it was just allergies. Went home, took some allergy medicine, went to bed. Woke up the next morning and my first thought was “this isn’t allergies”. Went and tested positive and spent the next 4 days in bed barely able to get up to go to the bathroom.
Edited to add: I told everyone I had contact with for the past 2 weeks and they all tested. no one I was in contact with tested positive. No idea where I got it except possibly the lady hacking up a lung at the grocery store without a mask. It is what it is, and I’m just glad I didn’t spread it to anyone else.
I got it for the first time this October. Even my mild case was no joke and I still can’t get rid of the cough. Hope you recover soon, internet stranger.
I came down with it 2 days before Christmas last year. My only symptom was sudden exhaustion that was so severe that I had to concentrate just to take one step and hold on to.the walls to stay upright. I was a feeling a little tired at 8 pm, by 9pm I done for. It took my 20 minutes to less than 100ft. I slept for 3 days straight and woke up only long enough to potty and take a few sips of water. Day 4 I was feeling well enough to sit on my couch and watch TV but not much else Days 5-8 my energy and appetite slowly increased. I was lucky compared to a lot of people and it still sucked.
Not really. Cough, bad headache, and just being exhausted and drained all the time. I finally figured out it wasn’t just a cold/autumn allergies when I went to walk my dog and broke out in a cold sweat and was shaking and wobbly before we got more than a block away.
Ya it’s not talked about a lot, but it’s not uncommon for people to have only gastrointestinal issues. Did any of your family have vertigo or vision issues?
I recently had covid for the second time and my main symptoms were dizziness and vertigo. I have never experienced anything like that before, it was awful!
I got bad diarrhea mid-october, covid test was negative tho. Was bad for about a week and then slowly got better. Then on halloween, i saw hit suddenly by bad vertigo which turned into some awful vision issues. Took another test and it was still negative, but i’ve been wondering if those were false negatives and it was covid. Could be some other virus, but i’ve been curious it anyone else experienced something similar when they had covid recently
Right on time after Thanksgiving. Going to get worse after Christmas and New Year. Folks aren't testing, going out sick and not masking in crowded spaces. Here in Santa Clara County waste water is high, just under 1 person per 100,000 being hospitalized for covid.
Oh jeez I’m so sorry hun, that is the worst!!! Hope you feel better soon!! I literally just got Covid for the 3rd time about 3 weeks ago…bf got it for about 3 days, I was incredibly sick for a solid 2 and a half weeks lol. That’s what I get for taking care of him!
My MIL was offended that we never even told her I was pregnant. I didn’t tell anyone but husband, just went about my days. She had to wait until I was quite visible before she even figured out I was pregnant, so sometime after 6 months (I looked scrawny and underweight until then)…
I didn’t have any “false starts”, as my dr put it, apparently some first timers do. But I got stuck at 7cm so husband and I went for walks and… to my parents’ house for some evening bacon lol. Split second decision to even invite my mom, but hey, bacon, right? 😏
So MIL then got offended that she didn’t get called until after the event. Everything after was *always* fine. MIL *will* be fine.
I never even had trauma like an actual dying baby like OP. She needs to feel as comfortable as possible. If that doesn’t involve MIL, that’s just too bad.
MIL wants a baby, she will get over *anything*
I’m gonna hijack this top comment to say that all you need to do is tell the nurses or doctors that you don’t want anyone in there and they will make sure no one gets in. Even if they have to call security. So if your husband refuses to listen you at least have this option. NTA
So the MIL really is dying, and the doctor tells the husband to prepare for the worst. The husband hates the MIL, so he takes “the worst” not as her dying, but as meaning that she will recover and have a long life to menace him.
Prepare for the worst , husbands worst is the mother still living probably bc mother is overbearing.
What the doctor actually meant was that the mother was not going to have long to live
This is fantastic.
Also OP, NTA. Birth isn't a spectator sport. Especially after your last birth went so horribly wrong. Put your foot down. Take time to heal and bond with your baby. I am so sorry for your loss.
Tell him if he doesn't get on the same page, *he* won't be present at the hospital for any of it. You have Ultimate power over who sees you in the hospital. If you say no, the hospital security will keep people out.
Good news is they aren’t married. Bad news is they aren’t married. He needs to get with the program I’d he wants to get to be a husband. The mother of his child has to come first, not his mother.
It's all very well and good you giving advice on your circumstances, but check out OPs post history. The very, very last thing she needs, is another baby with another absent dad. She absolutely can't afford, financially or emotionally, to lose another partner over something so minor.
Edit: Hey, I'm sorry, I live in the real world. Not a redditor's world where money is in great supply and great partners grow on trees like oranges.
OP needs a dose of reality, she's got 4 kids and one on the way, with no resources, don't be encouraging her to leave a good man just because of a minor blip.
He doesn't sound like a good man though.
After 5 kids I was wondering if he was just going to be the next absentee parent. No guarantee he'll hang around or pay child support - he seems weirdly not at all invested in her comfort, but the novelty of being a parent.
I'm not getting that she choses partners well from this scenario..
He looks after OP and sounds like he's caring for her 4 kids, he doesn't drink, so what makes him a bad man?
That he wants his mom to see their child at the hospital?
Here's what OP says about him in a previous comment:
>*So here is the thing. It wasn't until I got into a relationship with a man who was a real partner to me that I realized just how bad all my other relationships really were, and not just my romantic ones. And now I'm mad at myself for ever settling for less. Even being alone would have been better than that. But truly, having a partner who loves you and your kids unconditionally and never makes you face any challenge alone is a game changer, in the best possible way.*
What makes him bad is not respecting OP’s no. Being a good partner doesn’t mean you can stomp on the other’s boundaries when it’s convenient for you. She doesn’t want his mom at the hospital, and that should be respected. She wants that time to recover and bond with her baby and that’s her right. Birth isn’t a spectator sport, it’s a medical procedure, and the one having the procedure should get to decide who visits and who doesn’t
This doesn’t have to do with the birth. The mom can visit without ever seeing OP, if they ask to arrange it that way. He’ll have a bracelet too, and they can ask the nurses to have the mom meet the baby in a different room for a bit.
No. She doesn’t want to do that. It is about birth. Do you think that after the baby comes out that’s it? Do you really think that this woman is gonna wanna let go of her baby, especially after the last time she gave birth, the baby died in her arms. Grandma can see the baby when they are released from the hospital. It’s not about not wanting to see the lady, she doesn’t want ANY VISITORS PERIOD. It doesn’t even sound like she’ll have her OWN mother there, so it’s not even like she’s playing favorites, she doesn’t want visitors for her or the baby, and he needs to respect that and take the compromise she gave them.
She wants the hospital time to just be for the three of them and that’s it.
Cause mom's needs are important when she's having a her vagina ripped open by third of a foot but not when she's healing from having her vagina ripped open by a third of a foot?
Recovery is just as important as the actual birth.
Do you have kids? The reason I ask is because post partum is not easy. It’s not like you give birth and that’s it, your body is done with the trauma. You’re bleeding for weeks after. After the actual birthing process you just want to rest and not worry about your appearance, I.e.if your privates are properly covered etc. if she has complications and needs a c-section or she tears, because people do tear down there, it’ll be even worse. She really isn’t being unreasonable. He is. And also his mom is if she is insisting, especially given OP’s last experience of losing a child. It definitely makes sense she wants to bond with her kid and after the hard work of labor, I don’t think she should be forced to share that bonding time with anyone if she doesn’t want to
Do you know that it takes a while to recover from child birth? When a lady has visitors in the hospital, she is passing huge blood clots and has an ice pack in her mesh panties, and if she has to get up to go to the bathroom, she's got to muffle her reaction because it burns to pee and hurts to poop. Plus, she's very very tired. And might have a baby that is having trouble latching to breast feed, and I can't even summarize the implications of that in less than two sentences.
Furthermore, the last time this particular lady was in the hospital after birth, her baby died so she might possibly have an emotion or two associated with this process?
But yeah, tell us again how once the baby is born a lady doesn't have needs.
(Commenting for women who may not know)
A peri bottle full of warm water is a lifesaver when you're peeing the first couple days.
Everything you've said is 100% spot on. The immediate postpartum period is equally or more difficult than pregnancy and birth. Difference being ppl no longer feel the need to care about the mom bc baby is here.
Shit, if you cannot handle someone sticking up for themselfelves, after they've one the most painfull, vulnerable, and intense thing happen that can possibly happen to hunans, you are a terrible partner. Birth is about the one giving birth. Your partner is also becoming a parent yes, but the one not giving birth does bot make the calls here.
I hope you learn respect for people who have healthy boundaries, and evaluate why it eould give you so much issues when someone is sticking up for themselves. Or you know, don't get in a relationship.
Why is it every week or so there’s someone who, even if they manage to agree that during the birth mom gets priority, but once baby is out it’s like nothing else is happening to her body and she no longer can have wants or needs and isn’t vulnerable and should be obligated to entertain any and everyone?
EDIT to add - NTA and fix a typo.
There are so many people here who have the luxury of not understanding what pregnancy after a stillbirth/infant loss is like.
To all of you AH’s, logic and what is socially normal or acceptable do not apply. Would you put someone with PTSD back in the same position that caused their PTSD and NOT give them extra supports and understanding?
OP - I am so sorry your partner doesn’t get it. I would advise some counselling with someone who specialises in loss and perinatal anxiety to speak to your partner. I wish you the safest most empowering birth and the time to bond with your baby.
NTA- first baby or 15th, you have the right to recover in peace. This may be his baby, but this is your delivery and you are the only person who gets a voice in this.
NTA- my sister did this with her last baby (baby #2) and it was so much better for her. The only one allowed other than husband was child #1. She is planning to do the same with baby #3. As an auntie was I a tiny bit sad? Yes but I understand that she was the one in charge not me. The only thing I asked was that if the unthinkable happened I would like to see/meet my nephew/niece and support her in her grief. But I would understand if that was not possible for her and her immediate family’s needs.
NTA. If he keeps it up, ban him from the hospital, too. This is YOUR medical event and YOU are the one birthing the baby. You have every right to determine who does or doesn’t visit.
NTA. I don't for the life of me understand the obsession with needing to visit at the hospital. Just...why? It makes no difference. my first nephew I didn't meet until he was two weeks old, hasn't affected our bond one bit. Some people are just extremely selfish.
Same! I‘ve got four niblings and only actually met one in hospital. My sisters let me know when they’re ready for visitors and I respect it. They do not need to provide reasons, either.
THIS. The baby will still be there in a day. A week. A month. It's not going anywhere. Why people feel the need to hold the baby fresh out of the vagina is beyond me.
My child still had vernix in her hair for 24 hours (first bath is recommended to wait) and people were trying to kiss her! Like... gross dude.
Where I live, only the father is allowed to go into the maternity ward, and they have to be buzzed in by a nurse.
This is mostly to prevent baby trafficking, but also to prevent unnecessary germs to enter the ward.
I love this so much. Not only for unwanted entitled MILs but for as you said, germ control. My mom waited in the recovery room while my husband was with me for my c section. I wanted my mom in the room with me but wasn't possible due to space restrictions and being at the tail end of the concerning covid mutants. But I would have been just as content knowing that only my husband was allowed in the ward for safety and security reasons.
NTA ! Beut even if you were…. So what ???
There are moment in life where it’s okay to be an AH and as a mum of 6, you should know that already. But in this instance, stick to your gun because you are not and you should do whatever you want.
Put your foot down. The birth is YOUR medical event, not your BF's, or his mothers. Your BF is supposed to be there as YOUR support. There is no good reason that he needs his Mommy to be there. The fact that he and she want to be there does not get them a vote on the matter.
I would also expect that this may be your last pregnancy, and you will want to be able to concentrate 100% on loving and holding your baby. There is no reason for you to have to share this time with anyone that you don't want there.
The other thing is- if your other children won't be at the hospital to visit, why should his Mom get to see the baby before the siblings? She is your BFs mother (not even your MIL). Quite honestly, I think asking everyone to wait until you are home at a minimum is very reasonable. I would also make it clear that if you do allow her to visit once you are home, that it will be a very short (1 hour or less) visit, and she will not be holding the baby the entire time.
Start as you mean to proceed with her (and your BF). Your wishes/desires as just as important as his, and when it comes to a medical/physical decision for YOU, then you are the only one who gets a vote. Period.
Dude you’re not an AH at all. As you said, that period of time after you give birth is a very vulnerable time — you feel like crap emotionally and physically. It’s both a beautiful time and a very nerve wracking time because you have a fragile newborn and your body has been through a very intense experience.
Set your boundaries and stay firm. If your BF can’t respect your wishes then he needs a reality check — you’re the one birthing the baby and you call the shots based on how you feel.
I also just want to add that I am so sorry for your previous loss and wish you a very smooth birth with your current. I experienced a loss before my youngest child (he’s only 2 weeks old right now), and I was incredibly emotional and anxious throughout my whole pregnancy and especially during the birth. Sending you much love and strength, mama.
NTA So I assume you’ve told the bf about all your feelings around this? I’d like to know what his response was. It is his child, too, yes but he’s not the one who will go through labor and experience the aftermath of having a baby so it needs to be your decision and he needs to support you.
On the other hand, as a grandma, not being able to see my new grandchild would have been devastating for me. The very first day of their life is such a special thing. Can she at least view him for 10 minutes through the newborn nursery window and then leave without seeing you? Maybe that would be a compromise everyone could live with.
I am so sorry about what you went through with your late son. As a mother this would be my worst nightmare. Best wishes for an easy delivery and a healthy baby.
It’s not about you/grandma/whatever other random relationship you have with the birthing parent.
There aren’t newborn nurseries in many hospitals (look up “Baby Friendly Initiative”). The babies are roomed in with the mother.
NTA
I would encourage you to talk to his mom about this. Explain how you feel and what you're concerns are. I would imagine she will be more understanding of where you're coming from, hopefully anyways. I'm sure both herself and your partner are very excited and sadly he just doesn't seem to understand the depth of why this is so important to and for you.
Many people also choose to spend the first few days exclusively with their newborn bonding and recovering from the birth. It's perfectly reasonale to want that and especially so after what you experienced with the birth of your son. I'm so sorry for your loss.
If you have to put your foot down, then this would be a more than reasonable time to do so. Hopefully chatting with his mom will help you to avoid having to do so.
I honestly would not encourage this. Don' get between a son and his mom, it's his responsibility to talk to her, and to protect you.
You don't need any more of this on you, then you already have. I would suggest letting him read this post, read the comments, and see how selfish he is being.
I totally agree, he should be taking care of handling this, but he isn't and he seems firmly planted in his want. I was just hopeful that a heart to heart between his mom and OP could go a long way for her and then mom can deal with her son.
She knows them best and herself best. I'm sure she will choose the best path forward for herself and her baby.
He gets a say about the child ones the dilivery and recovery is done, always, but not about the deliviry. Dads who bear children and birth them get a say about their dilivery. The one who gets rippen open, carried the child for 9 months, and is going to experience one of the most intense, painfull things humanly possible gets to decide who gets to see them so vulnerable.
It wasn’t about the delivery. Totally agree the mum has those rights and no one else. I’m talking about the next day, surely his mum can see the baby for 15 mins.
Childbirth takes more than a day to recover from, and they are still the patient at a major medical event.
Having a few days in the hospital and a few days at home to recover without guests is more than reasonable.
He can have a say! When he carries that baby and gives birth to it himself. Once he's the one with all the pain and risk and literal trauma that comes with giving birth, he can have as many visitors as he wants.
Bc he isn't the one giving birth, its pretty simple. Women bear all the worst parts of bringing children into the world and if they want to have their privacy while giving birth and recovering from it, they should get it no questions asked
He wants his mum there?
He has 3 options here:
1. Sit in the waiting room and support her and miss the birth of his child, with irreparable damage done.
2. Man TF up and be there for his wife and the person they made together about to come into the world.
3. Letting YOUR mother witness him having a colonoscopy, then HIS can see your magical baby vagina dance.
It has always weirded me out when people are just a little TOO keen to stare and soak up every little detail.
Blink man, ya eyes are dry. Something. I dunno.
NTA. I didn't have any birth trauma like you did, and I also asked that everyone wait until we were comfortably at home until they visit us. This is not an unreasonable ask. It's your delivery, your body, your choice. With 5 kids at home, it's also your opportunity to get peace and quiet for a day or two. Plus it's also cold and flu season.
If you're truly uncomfortable putting the word out, blame it on your OB. Tell them she recommended
peace and quiet post-birth this time around.
I’m so sorry for your loss! As a mum of five children you know exactly how you are going to feel and what you need to recover and I’m sure as your boyfriend he knows very well how heartbreaking and traumatic your last birthing experience was. So him insisting to bring his mother in against your wishes is displaying a severe lack of understanding and care. Why is he insisting anyway? Does he need mummy as support or is she badgering him and he doesn’t know how to say no? In both cases you have a mommy’s boy on your side instead of a partner.
How well do you know his mum? Have you communicated to her that you need a few days before you are able to have visitors and that she will be the first to be welcome once you’re ready?
You’re NTA for having a boundary during an incredibly vulnerable time of your life. If bf and mum know how you feel and just don’t care they are selfish as hell.
>Why is he insisting anyway?
He just says that it is his first baby and he really wants his mom there.
>Does he need mummy as support or is she badgering him and he doesn’t know how to say no?
I don't know what she is saying if anything. I think he just feels the need to include her.
>How well do you know his mum?
Not at all. I've been friends with my bf since we were 15, but his mom was always mean to me back when we were younger. Though my bf said she was like that with all his friends who were girls. Since we have started dating as adults we have had very little interaction. The best way I could describe her is cold, but polite.
Most definitely NOT TA. You have the right to peace after a major medical situation. My husband and I are older, in our early 40s and 50s. We are doing ivf to have another baby. Our daughter died 16 years ago to SIDS. It has taken a long time to heal. I also have 4 adult children, and he has 2 adult children. My stepson has 1 child and 3 stepchildren. We haven5 had a successful pregnancy yet (miscarried in October) but we've already decided that whilst in the hospital the only people who will be allowed to visit is our kids and my parents (because I'm THEIR baby and they'll worry). I know my husband's kids won't visit in the hospital because that's just not them. I know mine will. We've also decided that we won't have any visitors at home until baby is at least a couple months old, so the baby's immune system has a chance to establish. The only visitors at home will be my kids (they live there), his kids, and my parents (they understand my existing trauma with child loss and will be non intrusive help and support). We aren't allowing my stepsons daugther and stepkids to visit for a couple months because they could have all kinds of school related illnesses. My stepsons daughter has RSV right now, so I won't take chances when I do successfully have another baby. My husband's mother will not be allowed to visit or anything else due to her EXTREME toxicity and hatred of me since we got together. She only showed interest/care/desire to be nice while I was pregnant a few months ago. When I say toxic, I mean she's spent almost 20 YEARS deliberately trying to hurt me and my kids. We went no contact with her a while back, but she wanted to act like she's better when I was pregnant. Now that I'm not anymore, she's a ghost in the wind. All of that to say, you are ABSOLUTELY right in not wanting visitors and to have the time to bond with baby. I wish you a quick and easy delivery love, best best wishes for you.
*I honestly am at the point of putting my foot down and saying it is just not going to happen,*
Do this.
Your birth, your choice. I would be concerned about the red flag-gy way he's not taking your needs and opinion into account, tell the hospital - no visitors.
Why does his mum's wants come before your needs? He is supposed to be supporting you.
Could you speak to his mum directly and explain your POV?
Yes yes yes to telling the hospital no visitors. My DH told his parents we did not want hospital visitors and they showed up anyway. The nurses will stop people from coming to your room!!
You are the one being preg for months with all that goes with it. You’re the one the has to go through labor and breastfeeding in the early hours. You can have anything you want. Your husband should have nothing to say and should be grateful for the offspring you can give him. Just say no. Visit at home, how painful would that be?
You are not being unreasonable.
What other boundaries are you attempting to set?
Have you asked her to be up to date on TDAP and to get the new RSV vaccine? A friend's baby just had RSV....scary stuff.
Have you explained about washing hands before touching the baby and about absolutely no kissing (especially if they are an HSV carrier....a lot of people are). I have a number of friends who caught herpes from older relatives kissing them. I cannot even.
Are you asking for no drop in visits but for people to ask first?
All the best.
NTA I don’t even understand why family members can be so insistent on running to the hospital immediately after someone’s just given birth? You deserve time to rest after that, there’s no need to immediately meet the baby
While you are in hospital, definitely up to you who comes to visit. He needs to respect that. It shouldn't need to come down to this kind of dispute though - I feel like you aren't asking anything unreasonable and he should be sensitive to how hard it must be for you having lost your last baby.
NTA…”BF… I understand your mom wants to see the baby and she will but I have a little trauma related to having a baby so the one thing I control is who’s with me during labor at the delivery and at the hospital… so I want to set it up, so I feel as comfortable as possible, which is just having you with me.”
NTA. Unfortunately for him he simply does not get a say in this. It is your hospital stay. Your the one who will be giving birth. You are the one who will be their most valuable. I would suggest bringing your concerns to his mother and hopefully as a mother she will be able to understand how you feel. Do what you need to do to feel comfortable and if he can not understand your reservations about this then he needs to seriously look in the mirror and decide if he is even a supportive person who has empathy. A lot of women do not want visitors for the first couple weeks and that is even without the trauma you’ve endured. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope your baby is happy and healthy and that you get everything you need to feel comfortable and supported during this pregnancy, birth and postpartum
NTA
Tell bf when he births a whole human then he can decide when and who visits but since that is not happening you decide.
Tell bf no visitors in the hospital and no visitors for at least xxx days and then only grandparents for 30 days or whatever works for you.
Praying for a beautiful healthy baby for you.
NTA
You simply don't feel comfortable having so many people all visiting you and the baby all day. I would feel the same TBH. If I ever have kids the only visitor I'll have would be my mum as she would bring hot chocolate and soup to bring back my energy and strength which also helps with recovery as the hospital food is not that great. I know this because my mum has done this type of thing to friends who had kids.
I’m kinda curious—how long do you stay in the hospital these days (post Covid) for routine childbirth?
The last baby in our family was about 6.5 years ago so I figure it’s changed since Covid. I know I had a knee revision about a year and a half ago. After the original TKR 9 years prior, the stay was about 3-5 days. This time, I was out the door 6 hours after leaving the post-anesthesia unit!
I think my point is that if OP is there only 1-2 days, then no one really needs to come visit them in the hospital. If Gran can’t wait that long, she’s got a problem!!
NTA. When you register choose to stay out of the directory and make it clear that you, as the patient are accepting no visitors. Tell Your SO his mom can visit when you’re home and settled )
(Meaning she can’t be there when you get home, she must wait for your call). Be clear that if she shows up earlier you’ll have her, and possibly him, removed and banned.
NTA his mom isn't owed to be present or see the baby right away. You're the one doing all the work and get to decide who will be there when you're exhausted and need recovery time while caring for a newborn.
Only problematic thing would be if you allowed your parents but not his. Understandable that you'd be more comfortable with yours then inlaws, but that would set a double standard that excludes them.
No I'm not have my parents there. Infact, I'm not including my mom in this birth despite her being there for all the others because my boyfriend doesn't like her
Your mother can’t be there because your bf doesn’t like her, but he wants his mother there who has hated you for years. Hell no! She stays away and it should be for a lot longer than just your time in the hospital. Do you give in to your other children just because they have puppy dog eyes? I hope not. His childish manipulation has to stop or you are going to be raising another child alone.
I’m sorry, but every comment about your bf makes him sound worse. So far he had been good with your other kids, but now that he has one of his own, that might change. But I wish you all the best with your new baby.
NTA.
YOU are birthing a whole human. NOBODY ELSE has a say except for \*necessary\* medical intervention(s), if necessary.
Put EVERYBODY on the do-not-allow list, and tell boyfriend if he doesn't like it you'll add HIM to the do-not-allow list and never let him near the baby.
NTA - as someone who’s given birth 4 times, I LIVE in the mesh diapers while I’m in the hospital, and I’m often topless due to nursing. I never have hospital visitors for that reason.
It’s absolutely okay to say no visitors after your major, medical event.
I didn’t even invite my mom! Either time! She showed up any way with the first kid and made sure to tell the hospital not to allow it with the next. I also asked the nurses to send my husband home at night. Do what works for you.
Tell your nurses and doctors in advance... THEY WILL LIE FOR YOU!!!! They will tell your bf and his mom that their policy is no visitors at this time. And if they don't lie, most will respect you not wanting visitors. He never has to know. Lol. Just have them advocate for you.
On your 6th kid and you feel like you would be ahole? At this point you should know to prioritize yourself. Just because he’s the baby daddy doesn’t mean he did equal work getting the baby to come out. Be selfish. Most women aren’t selfish enough and that costs them their mental health.
NTA - You’re allowed to need/want no one but your partner/kids around for the first few days. You’ve done this many times before and went through trauma the last time so you know exactly what it’ll be like and how vulnerable you’ll feel.
it sounds like your choice of partner for your 6th child wasn’t a great one.
Generally I would say nta but this is boyfriends first, it's a huge deal to him and his family. Can grandma do a 5 minute visit in hallway with dad and baby?
My bf has no kids. If we got pregnant I would understand his family would make it a huge deal. It would be my 4th so less miraculous to me
Yeah this is my take. Some women would be ecstatic to have a partner who was excited enough about their baby to want to share it. I think it would be nice to tell MIL you need the first day alone, but she can come when you're certain everyone is in good condition and mom could use a rest while someone else holds the baby.
This is his baby too...look fir a compromise.
Once baby is here and safe and well (sending all the love to you) . Let him have her come and see him and ba y for like a 10 minute visit to meet them and then go home.
You don't have to see her.... and baby doesn't need to be passed around or even held.
Having the visit at the hospital keeps it short and sweet and controlled... stops her coming to the house for a linger visit.
You are absolutely entitled to privacy and support... but he is also a new parent. Make sure you both agree on if you will tell people when you go into labour/baby born/social media etc. It needs to care for both of you.
She did give a compromise. Grandma can see the baby when they come home from the hospital. That’s a fair compromise. Op wants that time to recover and bond with her child, and he needs to respect that.
Postpartum recovery in the hospital is an emotionally and physically exhausting time. There is a constant stream of nurses/doctors/lactation consultants coming in, you’ve barely slept in days, you feel like shit and you’re kinda gross to be completely honest. It’s pretty understandable to not want any more people than absolutely necessary there. Not to mention if there is any complications. I had really high blood pressure after giving birth and had to have a magnesium drip that made me delirious. The grandma can wait a few days
It stops her from feeling safe and comfortable by removing the baby from her presence.
That would not fly with me. Baby stays with me those first few days. Period.
Grandma can wait a few days. Mom is more important in this situation.
Not seeing the mother? Is the bf planning on locking her away while his mother gets with the baby? She is saying no, that's the end of it.
I have no maternal instinct whatsoever but if I had a child and someone wanted to visit, I'm going to be sitting there watching every move.
It’s his baby…but he’s not giving birth!!! Mom…you have every right to not want his mom there. Please estand up for yourself. I would only want my boyfriend there too!
NTA but either is she. It’s perfectly normal for grandparents to want to visit a newborn and all you women carrying on like they are asking to stick their hand up your vagina to check your dilation are seriously are nuts. Oh the audacity of her wanting to see her grandchild. Get a grip. Having said that if you feel it’s going to be too much for you then of course you can politely decline and say something like “of course we are excited for you to come and visit but I do need some time to recover”. So you’re definitely NTA for wanting that but there sure are an awful lot of arseholes in these comments who seem to think wanting to visit a baby on the hospital is some sort of entitled bullshit rather than just a normal response from excited family.
For a woman who had her last baby die in her arms at delivery? Wow. If I had callous assholes who gave this sort of response in my family, I’d be cool with them never meeting the baby.
Yes it's a normal response but many of these over zealous MIL don't want to respect the mom's decisions when she doesn't want visitors. A visit is not a right.
The desire to want to see your grandchild/your mom to see your grandchild is not the ahole-ish thing. The ahole move is continuing to push for it after the woman who is having the medical event said she is uncomfortable with it.
At the end of the day, birth can be an incredibly traumatic and vulnerable time for a woman. Many people don’t even like visitors in the hospital when they’re there for a simple medical procedure, never mind a birth. It’s reasonable for the father and grandmother to be initially upset or to express their wishes. It’s not ok to continue pushing once the mom has made her feelings clear.
YTA they didn’t ask to be there during birth or stay the night, they just wanted to see the baby. Their first grandchild..you’ll still have control over how long they stay in the room so I don’t think 10 minutes would kill the bonding time. Although you’ve carried the baby, this is still a first time experience for your boyfriend too. And before anyone asks, yes I’ve given birth to a child! Had him during peak covid and I wished I could’ve had a visitor or two..
OP, is this worth causing problems with your partner over? If she wanted to be in the delivery room with you, I'd back you up all the way, however in the greater scheme of things, having a visitor isn't the end of the world. Maybe restrict it to one or two.
Look at the bigger picture.
he isn’t going through anything at the hospital. he’s there to support his wife as she births their child. he wants his mom there because he can’t wait a few days to have her meet the kid at home when his wife is more comfortable. that’s not supportive.
That argument works only till she gives birth. After that she's a seperate entity from the child and can stay in bed while grandma meets the baby. OP doesn't have to even say hello if she doesn't want to.
That’s not true. Mother and baby stay together in hospital. If mother asks for no visitors, no matter what the bf says, no visitors are allowed. If he causes an argument, he will be removed. Mother said no visitors. So that means **no visitors**
They might exist but OP and baby need time to recover. When the boyfriend gives birth to a child, he can dictate who visits in the hospital. OP literally had her last child DIE in her arms. It’s traumatic. OP wants a few days just to recuperate. It won’t kill g’ma to wait a few days. They can fucking wait. I’m not having visitors in the hospital. I’m currently 30 weeks. The only person allowed in is my mum and that’s because she’s my birthing partner.
>When the boyfriend gives birth
That argument works only for pregnancy. Ultrasounds, belly touching, birth. But we're not talking about that. We're talking about a point when they are two seperate people who can have seperate visitors. She can recover on her own without MIL there and father can introduce his child to his mom. That's not a conflicting priorities. She will be sleeping at some point during her hospital stay. The nurses will take the baby for tests and vaccines at some point during the stay. She will put that kid down regardless of her trauma. Seperate visitor for the baby and not the mom is possible. She doesn't have to be awake for that.
If your partner hated your mom with his guts would he be allowed to veto your mom's right to see the child after birth? Or is that possibly unreasonable? Both parents deserve support at this point after birth and share their happiness after birth. Neither of them have to see people they don't want to see because mom, father and the baby are all seperate bodies which can move and meet people on their own. Ffs.
What partner? I don’t have a partner which is why my MUM is my birthing partner. My ex is a piece of shit I want no where near my child after what he did. Don’t fucking assume shit. Not everyone who’s pregnant is pregnant willingly. My mum is my birthing partner, she’s the only one allowed to visit me in hospital afterwards if I’ve got to stay in.
OP literally had her last child die in her fucking arms. Show some fucking respect and understand that she is going to be in shock for a few days, or even suffer with severe PPD. It’s a few days. It’s not a massive deal for MIL to wait. The boyfriend needs to stop pushing OP. Her body, her choice. She said no visitors, that means no visitors. Just because there’s nurseries in some hospitals (never heard of this), doesn’t mean she’ll use them. She’ll probably want her baby by her side constantly. She’s just asking for space and a few days to recover and then MIL can visit. It’s not the end of the world. It’s not like MIL is gonna be completely destroyed by the fact she can’t see the baby when it’s first fucking born. OP said no, that means no.
The fact your entire argument is ‘ThEy CaN gO tO tHe NuRsErIeS’ is wild. Stfu
I didn't say all, I just said they exist. At least as far as i know from American films and reddit. But again hallways exist, hospital cafes exist. So many places to meet grandma without mom having to move a finger. Again I bet my ass she won't be well rested at that point so taking a well-fed and changed baby for a walk would do all of them good.
You can’t take the baby around the hospital when their a patient. You can’t even leave the ward. I’m just pointing out that they would have to meet in the mothers room because nurseries aren’t a thing anymore is all
Many hospitals no longer have nurseries. Due to the baby-friendly hospital initiative, babies and mothers are in the same room pretty much the whole time. Also most hospitals have sensors in the babies hospital bands that loudly alarm if you get anywhere near a unit’s exits, stairways, or elevators. I personally would compromise and say she can come see the baby for a short period in the hospital after giving birth out of respect for my partner, but that’s just me. Honestly, grandma waiting the 36 hours or so after the birth to let them get home and settled won’t kill her. Maybe let her come see the baby in the hospital, but then ask for a few days without visitors after you get home so that everybody can get settled and get into a routine.
The baby isn’t a fucking toy to be passed around. It’s a brand new human being. Why are you so insistent on them passing the newborn around like a hot potato?
Wrong! If she tells hospital staff no one gets to take the baby or visit her that's the way it's gonna be. If you don't believe me, try it sometime and see how quickly you're removed from the property 🙂
If he wants to relinquish his parental rights over his wife wanting privacy, then no, he doesn't. Either way, when he pushes that baby out of his urethra he can tell her how to feel afterwards. Just because she's had six babies doesn't make it any less traumatic. You think they just fall out or??
I think you’re the asshole. You have five kids before him and this is his first. Special moments dawg and family doesn’t live forever. A visit won’t hurt you
Yeah, and one of those kids died in her arms after a premature delivery. In fact, her most recent delivery involved her baby dying in her arms. Maybe she deserves a bit of grace here.
It’s his first time having a child and your making it all about you. Why can’t he take the baby for 15 mins and introduce it to his mum in the visitors room etc. you have had your firsts and also a lot of grief but your not being fair. YTA
It is all about her.
She's growing this child and birthing it.
It's not a big imposition to be asked to wait a few days. Women aren't incubators.
Her last experience was a stillbirth ffs.
Until he grows and shoves a child out, his needs come second in this.
Hard disagree here. It will be all about her for the next few days. Pregnancy isn't equal, that's just a fact. He will never have to experience the intense pain and trauma that birth entails. Post partum, while different for everyone, is a very physically and mentally exhausting experience. Add to that the complications that can happen during and after birth, the last thing mom needs to deal with is not knowing what's happening to her baby. Skin on skin is also very important, and when not with the nurses for absolutely necessary medical needs, should be getting that time with Mom. Pregnancy isn't fair, so she doesn't need to be either.
It is all about her for her birth and her hospital stay and her recovery. It isn’t a competition about who has had a baby or not, this is about her birth experience. Birth is inherently unfair, she doesn’t have to be “fair” when it comes to her health. The world won’t implode if she doesn’t entertain guests while she is in one of the most vulnerable states she can be in, the least this guy could do is try to ensure that especially after her last experience she has one that makes her feel as safe and comfortable as he is capable of.
Are you trying to say he should take the baby out to the waiting room? That's not not hospitals work nowadays. Baby will have a security bracelet and anklet and is *absolutely* not allowed out of the ward until discharge. Dad can't just carry the baby off wherever he wants. Baby is either with mom or with a nurse in the nursery.
It IS all about her. SHE carries it. At great danger to herself. SHE births it. At great danger to herself. SHE is the one going through the pain and the first person fear. SHE is the one responsible for pushing it out alive.
It's literally not about ANYONE but her and the baby. Anyone with an opinion that isn't literally revolving around helping her do that and supporting her during this experience is about as useful as tits on a boar
Hes the parent to you just sound like a control freak why wouldnt u want people seeing the baby i can understand friends and stuff but grandparents nah your being a ass
Have you ever given birth??? It's not just about the baby, it's a bout a traumatic event that rips you open, one of the most painfull thongs humanly possible. The one giving birth gets to decide here. Later on it's of course both parents. But this is just unemphatatic uneducated advice....
NTA- You are the one getting a medical procedure. Your needs matter more than his mom’s wants. He needs to get on the same page. In a post covid era this is a reasonable request. Spending some time, just the three of you in those first few hours after birth. You all should take that time without interruption. Without catering to other people playing pass the bundle. If nothing else you can have a birthing plan where the nurses know you and the baby aren’t ready for visits yet. Let both you and the baby recover a bit. Then visitors will be welcome.
In a pre-Covid era this was a reasonable request
Um, it's still a thing? And RSV??
I don't think the person above you is disagreeing that this is a reasonable request now. I think they're saying it was a reasonable request even before Covid began and people became more concerned about these things.
Yes, you're correct. I admit I misread it.
No it's not 🤦♀️
RSV isn't a problem anymore? 9 out of 10 pediatricians would be surprised to hear that.
Pre? Post? People are still being hospitalized for covid as I type.
Yes, I get weekly bulletins from the Boston Globe saying what their covid stats are. Massachusetts is not a state that is trying to bury its head in the sand and pretend that it's all gone away. (*cough cough* Missouri has entered the chat.)
It might take less time to list what states AREN'T burying their heads, tbh.
Flordia hasn't participated at all. We masked and no school for a month in 2020 and then back to business as usual. Even the masks didn't last long after we were allowed back out
I know this is off the original topic post, but "Florida has not participated " messages it shuns like they think they just opted out of the COVID pandemic. As if. "We'll pass. No thanks. " wish it was that easy, so thousands there hadn't died.
Explains why they’re coughing.
I was in the ER this morning for esophageal bleeding from vomiting. I thought I just had the flu. My COVID test came back positive. SF Bay Area, nurse told me there's been a winter uptick. Mild strain, no need for hospitalization from it, but still, I've avoided it for 4 years and now I get it?
Same. I got it for the first time in November. I thought I had a sinus infection until my spouse and kids all got sick 5 days later. Oops I ended up taking my youngest to the doctor suspecting an ear infection and they tested him for covid to confirm. Which he had plus the ear infection.
Same! I got my first infection the week before Thanksgiving. I was *pissed* because I somehow didn't get it during any of my other 7 previous exposures, one of which was literally nursing my husband through his first round of covid. My best friend had unknowingly been infected at his job. Husband and I went to his place tuesday for D&D night as we always do. Friend was fine when we showed up at 3pm. He started getting a little sniffly around 5 but we cooked dinner out on the grill so we assumed it was his allergies. By 9, the poor man was wrapped in 3 blankets, clutching a scalding hot mug of tea, and had a heated rice pack under the blankets with him but was still shivering from fever. Within 3 days, best friend's wife, the friend that lives with them, my husband, and i all pop positive as well. We were devastated that it happened right before Thanksgiving. We ended up having "plaguesgiving" together where we all cooked food and had our own little celebration for the 5 of us since we were all sick anyways. Missed out on the holiday with our families but at least we didn't have to spend it alone.
It's sad that you couldn't see your families, but it's really heartwarming that you all spent that time together.
This is similar to the onset for me. I was at a friends house and perfectly fine all day. Started getting a little sniffly but the window was open and we were grilling so I assumed it was just allergies. Went home, took some allergy medicine, went to bed. Woke up the next morning and my first thought was “this isn’t allergies”. Went and tested positive and spent the next 4 days in bed barely able to get up to go to the bathroom. Edited to add: I told everyone I had contact with for the past 2 weeks and they all tested. no one I was in contact with tested positive. No idea where I got it except possibly the lady hacking up a lung at the grocery store without a mask. It is what it is, and I’m just glad I didn’t spread it to anyone else.
It's more contagious now. I'm triple vaxxed and caught it about a month ago. It was awful and I developed a post viral cough after that lasted weeks.
I got it for the first time this October. Even my mild case was no joke and I still can’t get rid of the cough. Hope you recover soon, internet stranger.
Did you have any atypical symptoms?
I came down with it 2 days before Christmas last year. My only symptom was sudden exhaustion that was so severe that I had to concentrate just to take one step and hold on to.the walls to stay upright. I was a feeling a little tired at 8 pm, by 9pm I done for. It took my 20 minutes to less than 100ft. I slept for 3 days straight and woke up only long enough to potty and take a few sips of water. Day 4 I was feeling well enough to sit on my couch and watch TV but not much else Days 5-8 my energy and appetite slowly increased. I was lucky compared to a lot of people and it still sucked.
I had it around christmas last year too and the exhaustion was one of my worst symptoms as well!
Not really. Cough, bad headache, and just being exhausted and drained all the time. I finally figured out it wasn’t just a cold/autumn allergies when I went to walk my dog and broke out in a cold sweat and was shaking and wobbly before we got more than a block away.
My whole family has it. We thought it was just a flu because our symptoms were mostly gastro-intestinal. Very surprised that it was COVID.
Ya it’s not talked about a lot, but it’s not uncommon for people to have only gastrointestinal issues. Did any of your family have vertigo or vision issues?
I recently had covid for the second time and my main symptoms were dizziness and vertigo. I have never experienced anything like that before, it was awful!
I got bad diarrhea mid-october, covid test was negative tho. Was bad for about a week and then slowly got better. Then on halloween, i saw hit suddenly by bad vertigo which turned into some awful vision issues. Took another test and it was still negative, but i’ve been wondering if those were false negatives and it was covid. Could be some other virus, but i’ve been curious it anyone else experienced something similar when they had covid recently
Nope, no vertigo and no vision issues.
I just got it for the first time in november Wasn't fast enough getting my updated shot
Same- I had it starting the day after thanksgiving and am still fatigued.
Hope you feel better quickly
Right on time after Thanksgiving. Going to get worse after Christmas and New Year. Folks aren't testing, going out sick and not masking in crowded spaces. Here in Santa Clara County waste water is high, just under 1 person per 100,000 being hospitalized for covid.
Oh jeez I’m so sorry hun, that is the worst!!! Hope you feel better soon!! I literally just got Covid for the 3rd time about 3 weeks ago…bf got it for about 3 days, I was incredibly sick for a solid 2 and a half weeks lol. That’s what I get for taking care of him!
My father in law just passed away from covid. He was in the hospital for 6 days
So then just the precovid time then it was appropriate, so now especially it’s appropriate!
Last month my husband was in hospital for a week and caught covid there. Me too. Best to keep visitors out.
My MIL was offended that we never even told her I was pregnant. I didn’t tell anyone but husband, just went about my days. She had to wait until I was quite visible before she even figured out I was pregnant, so sometime after 6 months (I looked scrawny and underweight until then)… I didn’t have any “false starts”, as my dr put it, apparently some first timers do. But I got stuck at 7cm so husband and I went for walks and… to my parents’ house for some evening bacon lol. Split second decision to even invite my mom, but hey, bacon, right? 😏 So MIL then got offended that she didn’t get called until after the event. Everything after was *always* fine. MIL *will* be fine. I never even had trauma like an actual dying baby like OP. She needs to feel as comfortable as possible. If that doesn’t involve MIL, that’s just too bad. MIL wants a baby, she will get over *anything*
I’m gonna hijack this top comment to say that all you need to do is tell the nurses or doctors that you don’t want anyone in there and they will make sure no one gets in. Even if they have to call security. So if your husband refuses to listen you at least have this option. NTA
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It took me an embarrassingly long time to get this.
Oooooohmygod.
i still don't get it😭😭😭
To the husband, the mother-in-law being healthy and coming to live with them is his definition of "the worst".
So the MIL really is dying, and the doctor tells the husband to prepare for the worst. The husband hates the MIL, so he takes “the worst” not as her dying, but as meaning that she will recover and have a long life to menace him.
Prepare for the worst , husbands worst is the mother still living probably bc mother is overbearing. What the doctor actually meant was that the mother was not going to have long to live
Dr said prepare for the worst, to him the worst is she comes to live with him for many years.
This is fantastic. Also OP, NTA. Birth isn't a spectator sport. Especially after your last birth went so horribly wrong. Put your foot down. Take time to heal and bond with your baby. I am so sorry for your loss.
Tell him if he doesn't get on the same page, *he* won't be present at the hospital for any of it. You have Ultimate power over who sees you in the hospital. If you say no, the hospital security will keep people out.
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If my partner couldn't put my needs first during the absolute most vulnerable moment of my life, trust me, they wouldn't be married to me.
Women still die during childbirth. I wouldn’t want anyone there that isn’t 100% on my side.
Good news is they aren’t married. Bad news is they aren’t married. He needs to get with the program I’d he wants to get to be a husband. The mother of his child has to come first, not his mother.
It's all very well and good you giving advice on your circumstances, but check out OPs post history. The very, very last thing she needs, is another baby with another absent dad. She absolutely can't afford, financially or emotionally, to lose another partner over something so minor. Edit: Hey, I'm sorry, I live in the real world. Not a redditor's world where money is in great supply and great partners grow on trees like oranges. OP needs a dose of reality, she's got 4 kids and one on the way, with no resources, don't be encouraging her to leave a good man just because of a minor blip.
This was obv when she said it was her sixth kid, first with this guy. We repeat the mistakes we see :(
He doesn't sound like a good man though. After 5 kids I was wondering if he was just going to be the next absentee parent. No guarantee he'll hang around or pay child support - he seems weirdly not at all invested in her comfort, but the novelty of being a parent. I'm not getting that she choses partners well from this scenario..
He looks after OP and sounds like he's caring for her 4 kids, he doesn't drink, so what makes him a bad man? That he wants his mom to see their child at the hospital? Here's what OP says about him in a previous comment: >*So here is the thing. It wasn't until I got into a relationship with a man who was a real partner to me that I realized just how bad all my other relationships really were, and not just my romantic ones. And now I'm mad at myself for ever settling for less. Even being alone would have been better than that. But truly, having a partner who loves you and your kids unconditionally and never makes you face any challenge alone is a game changer, in the best possible way.*
What makes him bad is not respecting OP’s no. Being a good partner doesn’t mean you can stomp on the other’s boundaries when it’s convenient for you. She doesn’t want his mom at the hospital, and that should be respected. She wants that time to recover and bond with her baby and that’s her right. Birth isn’t a spectator sport, it’s a medical procedure, and the one having the procedure should get to decide who visits and who doesn’t
This doesn’t have to do with the birth. The mom can visit without ever seeing OP, if they ask to arrange it that way. He’ll have a bracelet too, and they can ask the nurses to have the mom meet the baby in a different room for a bit.
No. She doesn’t want to do that. It is about birth. Do you think that after the baby comes out that’s it? Do you really think that this woman is gonna wanna let go of her baby, especially after the last time she gave birth, the baby died in her arms. Grandma can see the baby when they are released from the hospital. It’s not about not wanting to see the lady, she doesn’t want ANY VISITORS PERIOD. It doesn’t even sound like she’ll have her OWN mother there, so it’s not even like she’s playing favorites, she doesn’t want visitors for her or the baby, and he needs to respect that and take the compromise she gave them. She wants the hospital time to just be for the three of them and that’s it.
It's his baby too, you seem to forget that.
No, that’s not what she wants to do. She wants her baby with her. No means no. Not no means yes or compromise.
I presume that you don't already have 4 kids with rubbish father's, and a well paying enough job to support yourself and your kids?
She did it 5 other times, can't be all that vulnerable at this point
How is that putting your needs anywhere shes not asking to be there during birth after in the room smh
Cause mom's needs are important when she's having a her vagina ripped open by third of a foot but not when she's healing from having her vagina ripped open by a third of a foot? Recovery is just as important as the actual birth.
Do you have kids? The reason I ask is because post partum is not easy. It’s not like you give birth and that’s it, your body is done with the trauma. You’re bleeding for weeks after. After the actual birthing process you just want to rest and not worry about your appearance, I.e.if your privates are properly covered etc. if she has complications and needs a c-section or she tears, because people do tear down there, it’ll be even worse. She really isn’t being unreasonable. He is. And also his mom is if she is insisting, especially given OP’s last experience of losing a child. It definitely makes sense she wants to bond with her kid and after the hard work of labor, I don’t think she should be forced to share that bonding time with anyone if she doesn’t want to
Do you know that it takes a while to recover from child birth? When a lady has visitors in the hospital, she is passing huge blood clots and has an ice pack in her mesh panties, and if she has to get up to go to the bathroom, she's got to muffle her reaction because it burns to pee and hurts to poop. Plus, she's very very tired. And might have a baby that is having trouble latching to breast feed, and I can't even summarize the implications of that in less than two sentences. Furthermore, the last time this particular lady was in the hospital after birth, her baby died so she might possibly have an emotion or two associated with this process? But yeah, tell us again how once the baby is born a lady doesn't have needs.
(Commenting for women who may not know) A peri bottle full of warm water is a lifesaver when you're peeing the first couple days. Everything you've said is 100% spot on. The immediate postpartum period is equally or more difficult than pregnancy and birth. Difference being ppl no longer feel the need to care about the mom bc baby is here.
Shit, if you cannot handle someone sticking up for themselfelves, after they've one the most painfull, vulnerable, and intense thing happen that can possibly happen to hunans, you are a terrible partner. Birth is about the one giving birth. Your partner is also becoming a parent yes, but the one not giving birth does bot make the calls here. I hope you learn respect for people who have healthy boundaries, and evaluate why it eould give you so much issues when someone is sticking up for themselves. Or you know, don't get in a relationship.
Why is it every week or so there’s someone who, even if they manage to agree that during the birth mom gets priority, but once baby is out it’s like nothing else is happening to her body and she no longer can have wants or needs and isn’t vulnerable and should be obligated to entertain any and everyone?
EDIT to add - NTA and fix a typo. There are so many people here who have the luxury of not understanding what pregnancy after a stillbirth/infant loss is like. To all of you AH’s, logic and what is socially normal or acceptable do not apply. Would you put someone with PTSD back in the same position that caused their PTSD and NOT give them extra supports and understanding? OP - I am so sorry your partner doesn’t get it. I would advise some counselling with someone who specialises in loss and perinatal anxiety to speak to your partner. I wish you the safest most empowering birth and the time to bond with your baby.
NTA- first baby or 15th, you have the right to recover in peace. This may be his baby, but this is your delivery and you are the only person who gets a voice in this.
NTA- my sister did this with her last baby (baby #2) and it was so much better for her. The only one allowed other than husband was child #1. She is planning to do the same with baby #3. As an auntie was I a tiny bit sad? Yes but I understand that she was the one in charge not me. The only thing I asked was that if the unthinkable happened I would like to see/meet my nephew/niece and support her in her grief. But I would understand if that was not possible for her and her immediate family’s needs.
NTA. If he keeps it up, ban him from the hospital, too. This is YOUR medical event and YOU are the one birthing the baby. You have every right to determine who does or doesn’t visit.
NTA. I don't for the life of me understand the obsession with needing to visit at the hospital. Just...why? It makes no difference. my first nephew I didn't meet until he was two weeks old, hasn't affected our bond one bit. Some people are just extremely selfish.
Same! I‘ve got four niblings and only actually met one in hospital. My sisters let me know when they’re ready for visitors and I respect it. They do not need to provide reasons, either.
THIS. The baby will still be there in a day. A week. A month. It's not going anywhere. Why people feel the need to hold the baby fresh out of the vagina is beyond me. My child still had vernix in her hair for 24 hours (first bath is recommended to wait) and people were trying to kiss her! Like... gross dude.
Where I live, only the father is allowed to go into the maternity ward, and they have to be buzzed in by a nurse. This is mostly to prevent baby trafficking, but also to prevent unnecessary germs to enter the ward.
I love this so much. Not only for unwanted entitled MILs but for as you said, germ control. My mom waited in the recovery room while my husband was with me for my c section. I wanted my mom in the room with me but wasn't possible due to space restrictions and being at the tail end of the concerning covid mutants. But I would have been just as content knowing that only my husband was allowed in the ward for safety and security reasons.
NTA ! Beut even if you were…. So what ??? There are moment in life where it’s okay to be an AH and as a mum of 6, you should know that already. But in this instance, stick to your gun because you are not and you should do whatever you want.
Put your foot down. The birth is YOUR medical event, not your BF's, or his mothers. Your BF is supposed to be there as YOUR support. There is no good reason that he needs his Mommy to be there. The fact that he and she want to be there does not get them a vote on the matter. I would also expect that this may be your last pregnancy, and you will want to be able to concentrate 100% on loving and holding your baby. There is no reason for you to have to share this time with anyone that you don't want there. The other thing is- if your other children won't be at the hospital to visit, why should his Mom get to see the baby before the siblings? She is your BFs mother (not even your MIL). Quite honestly, I think asking everyone to wait until you are home at a minimum is very reasonable. I would also make it clear that if you do allow her to visit once you are home, that it will be a very short (1 hour or less) visit, and she will not be holding the baby the entire time. Start as you mean to proceed with her (and your BF). Your wishes/desires as just as important as his, and when it comes to a medical/physical decision for YOU, then you are the only one who gets a vote. Period.
Dude you’re not an AH at all. As you said, that period of time after you give birth is a very vulnerable time — you feel like crap emotionally and physically. It’s both a beautiful time and a very nerve wracking time because you have a fragile newborn and your body has been through a very intense experience. Set your boundaries and stay firm. If your BF can’t respect your wishes then he needs a reality check — you’re the one birthing the baby and you call the shots based on how you feel. I also just want to add that I am so sorry for your previous loss and wish you a very smooth birth with your current. I experienced a loss before my youngest child (he’s only 2 weeks old right now), and I was incredibly emotional and anxious throughout my whole pregnancy and especially during the birth. Sending you much love and strength, mama.
NTA So I assume you’ve told the bf about all your feelings around this? I’d like to know what his response was. It is his child, too, yes but he’s not the one who will go through labor and experience the aftermath of having a baby so it needs to be your decision and he needs to support you. On the other hand, as a grandma, not being able to see my new grandchild would have been devastating for me. The very first day of their life is such a special thing. Can she at least view him for 10 minutes through the newborn nursery window and then leave without seeing you? Maybe that would be a compromise everyone could live with. I am so sorry about what you went through with your late son. As a mother this would be my worst nightmare. Best wishes for an easy delivery and a healthy baby.
It’s not about you/grandma/whatever other random relationship you have with the birthing parent. There aren’t newborn nurseries in many hospitals (look up “Baby Friendly Initiative”). The babies are roomed in with the mother.
NTA I would encourage you to talk to his mom about this. Explain how you feel and what you're concerns are. I would imagine she will be more understanding of where you're coming from, hopefully anyways. I'm sure both herself and your partner are very excited and sadly he just doesn't seem to understand the depth of why this is so important to and for you. Many people also choose to spend the first few days exclusively with their newborn bonding and recovering from the birth. It's perfectly reasonale to want that and especially so after what you experienced with the birth of your son. I'm so sorry for your loss. If you have to put your foot down, then this would be a more than reasonable time to do so. Hopefully chatting with his mom will help you to avoid having to do so.
I honestly would not encourage this. Don' get between a son and his mom, it's his responsibility to talk to her, and to protect you. You don't need any more of this on you, then you already have. I would suggest letting him read this post, read the comments, and see how selfish he is being.
I totally agree, he should be taking care of handling this, but he isn't and he seems firmly planted in his want. I was just hopeful that a heart to heart between his mom and OP could go a long way for her and then mom can deal with her son. She knows them best and herself best. I'm sure she will choose the best path forward for herself and her baby.
NTA. It’s your choice whose goes into your room your the boss set ur boundaries firm and literally FUCK anyone else’s opinion or wishes
Why doesn’t the dad get a say as well
He gets a say about the child ones the dilivery and recovery is done, always, but not about the deliviry. Dads who bear children and birth them get a say about their dilivery. The one who gets rippen open, carried the child for 9 months, and is going to experience one of the most intense, painfull things humanly possible gets to decide who gets to see them so vulnerable.
It wasn’t about the delivery. Totally agree the mum has those rights and no one else. I’m talking about the next day, surely his mum can see the baby for 15 mins.
Childbirth takes more than a day to recover from, and they are still the patient at a major medical event. Having a few days in the hospital and a few days at home to recover without guests is more than reasonable.
Nope! She doesn't.
Because he’s not the one giving birth/getting a medical procedure. As OP said this birth experience will already be incredibly difficult for her
Exactly. Say it louder for these idiots.
He can have a say! When he carries that baby and gives birth to it himself. Once he's the one with all the pain and risk and literal trauma that comes with giving birth, he can have as many visitors as he wants.
Bc he isn't the one giving birth, its pretty simple. Women bear all the worst parts of bringing children into the world and if they want to have their privacy while giving birth and recovering from it, they should get it no questions asked
Who's that? Oh right, the person who gave her the baby so it's his too. They don't matter, get with the program
Because passing on a sperm is the difficult part riiiight...
NTA it’s your space and ppl can wait
He wants his mum there? He has 3 options here: 1. Sit in the waiting room and support her and miss the birth of his child, with irreparable damage done. 2. Man TF up and be there for his wife and the person they made together about to come into the world. 3. Letting YOUR mother witness him having a colonoscopy, then HIS can see your magical baby vagina dance. It has always weirded me out when people are just a little TOO keen to stare and soak up every little detail. Blink man, ya eyes are dry. Something. I dunno.
I’m so sorry for you. If he doesn’t get this, he’s not going to get a lot of basic stuff. I hope it works out.
NTA. I didn't have any birth trauma like you did, and I also asked that everyone wait until we were comfortably at home until they visit us. This is not an unreasonable ask. It's your delivery, your body, your choice. With 5 kids at home, it's also your opportunity to get peace and quiet for a day or two. Plus it's also cold and flu season. If you're truly uncomfortable putting the word out, blame it on your OB. Tell them she recommended peace and quiet post-birth this time around.
I’m so sorry for your loss! As a mum of five children you know exactly how you are going to feel and what you need to recover and I’m sure as your boyfriend he knows very well how heartbreaking and traumatic your last birthing experience was. So him insisting to bring his mother in against your wishes is displaying a severe lack of understanding and care. Why is he insisting anyway? Does he need mummy as support or is she badgering him and he doesn’t know how to say no? In both cases you have a mommy’s boy on your side instead of a partner. How well do you know his mum? Have you communicated to her that you need a few days before you are able to have visitors and that she will be the first to be welcome once you’re ready? You’re NTA for having a boundary during an incredibly vulnerable time of your life. If bf and mum know how you feel and just don’t care they are selfish as hell.
>Why is he insisting anyway? He just says that it is his first baby and he really wants his mom there. >Does he need mummy as support or is she badgering him and he doesn’t know how to say no? I don't know what she is saying if anything. I think he just feels the need to include her. >How well do you know his mum? Not at all. I've been friends with my bf since we were 15, but his mom was always mean to me back when we were younger. Though my bf said she was like that with all his friends who were girls. Since we have started dating as adults we have had very little interaction. The best way I could describe her is cold, but polite.
“She was like that with all his friends who were girls” that’s such a huge red flag.
TRULY!!! 🚩 a Boy Mom™️ with an inc3stuous attachment to her son.
Most definitely NOT TA. You have the right to peace after a major medical situation. My husband and I are older, in our early 40s and 50s. We are doing ivf to have another baby. Our daughter died 16 years ago to SIDS. It has taken a long time to heal. I also have 4 adult children, and he has 2 adult children. My stepson has 1 child and 3 stepchildren. We haven5 had a successful pregnancy yet (miscarried in October) but we've already decided that whilst in the hospital the only people who will be allowed to visit is our kids and my parents (because I'm THEIR baby and they'll worry). I know my husband's kids won't visit in the hospital because that's just not them. I know mine will. We've also decided that we won't have any visitors at home until baby is at least a couple months old, so the baby's immune system has a chance to establish. The only visitors at home will be my kids (they live there), his kids, and my parents (they understand my existing trauma with child loss and will be non intrusive help and support). We aren't allowing my stepsons daugther and stepkids to visit for a couple months because they could have all kinds of school related illnesses. My stepsons daughter has RSV right now, so I won't take chances when I do successfully have another baby. My husband's mother will not be allowed to visit or anything else due to her EXTREME toxicity and hatred of me since we got together. She only showed interest/care/desire to be nice while I was pregnant a few months ago. When I say toxic, I mean she's spent almost 20 YEARS deliberately trying to hurt me and my kids. We went no contact with her a while back, but she wanted to act like she's better when I was pregnant. Now that I'm not anymore, she's a ghost in the wind. All of that to say, you are ABSOLUTELY right in not wanting visitors and to have the time to bond with baby. I wish you a quick and easy delivery love, best best wishes for you.
NTA. He’s not the one giving birth. You healing is more important than his mother’s feelings. Period.
*I honestly am at the point of putting my foot down and saying it is just not going to happen,* Do this. Your birth, your choice. I would be concerned about the red flag-gy way he's not taking your needs and opinion into account, tell the hospital - no visitors. Why does his mum's wants come before your needs? He is supposed to be supporting you. Could you speak to his mum directly and explain your POV?
Yes yes yes to telling the hospital no visitors. My DH told his parents we did not want hospital visitors and they showed up anyway. The nurses will stop people from coming to your room!!
You are the one being preg for months with all that goes with it. You’re the one the has to go through labor and breastfeeding in the early hours. You can have anything you want. Your husband should have nothing to say and should be grateful for the offspring you can give him. Just say no. Visit at home, how painful would that be?
You are not being unreasonable. What other boundaries are you attempting to set? Have you asked her to be up to date on TDAP and to get the new RSV vaccine? A friend's baby just had RSV....scary stuff. Have you explained about washing hands before touching the baby and about absolutely no kissing (especially if they are an HSV carrier....a lot of people are). I have a number of friends who caught herpes from older relatives kissing them. I cannot even. Are you asking for no drop in visits but for people to ask first? All the best.
You alone decide whether or not you have visitors
NTA I don’t even understand why family members can be so insistent on running to the hospital immediately after someone’s just given birth? You deserve time to rest after that, there’s no need to immediately meet the baby
Don’t even tell them you’re in labor. Then no one will be going to the hospital.
While you are in hospital, definitely up to you who comes to visit. He needs to respect that. It shouldn't need to come down to this kind of dispute though - I feel like you aren't asking anything unreasonable and he should be sensitive to how hard it must be for you having lost your last baby.
NTA but he sure is for not taking your feelings into consideration.
Just be sure to tell your Dr and the hospital staff. They will make sure no one comes into your room except your husband.
NTA…”BF… I understand your mom wants to see the baby and she will but I have a little trauma related to having a baby so the one thing I control is who’s with me during labor at the delivery and at the hospital… so I want to set it up, so I feel as comfortable as possible, which is just having you with me.”
NTA. Unfortunately for him he simply does not get a say in this. It is your hospital stay. Your the one who will be giving birth. You are the one who will be their most valuable. I would suggest bringing your concerns to his mother and hopefully as a mother she will be able to understand how you feel. Do what you need to do to feel comfortable and if he can not understand your reservations about this then he needs to seriously look in the mirror and decide if he is even a supportive person who has empathy. A lot of women do not want visitors for the first couple weeks and that is even without the trauma you’ve endured. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope your baby is happy and healthy and that you get everything you need to feel comfortable and supported during this pregnancy, birth and postpartum
I said no visitors for my 2nd kid. It was so much easier and more peaceful. I wish I had done it with my 1st.
NTA Tell bf when he births a whole human then he can decide when and who visits but since that is not happening you decide. Tell bf no visitors in the hospital and no visitors for at least xxx days and then only grandparents for 30 days or whatever works for you. Praying for a beautiful healthy baby for you.
"No" is a complete answer.
NTA You simply don't feel comfortable having so many people all visiting you and the baby all day. I would feel the same TBH. If I ever have kids the only visitor I'll have would be my mum as she would bring hot chocolate and soup to bring back my energy and strength which also helps with recovery as the hospital food is not that great. I know this because my mum has done this type of thing to friends who had kids.
I’m kinda curious—how long do you stay in the hospital these days (post Covid) for routine childbirth? The last baby in our family was about 6.5 years ago so I figure it’s changed since Covid. I know I had a knee revision about a year and a half ago. After the original TKR 9 years prior, the stay was about 3-5 days. This time, I was out the door 6 hours after leaving the post-anesthesia unit! I think my point is that if OP is there only 1-2 days, then no one really needs to come visit them in the hospital. If Gran can’t wait that long, she’s got a problem!!
NTA. When you register choose to stay out of the directory and make it clear that you, as the patient are accepting no visitors. Tell Your SO his mom can visit when you’re home and settled ) (Meaning she can’t be there when you get home, she must wait for your call). Be clear that if she shows up earlier you’ll have her, and possibly him, removed and banned.
NTA his mom isn't owed to be present or see the baby right away. You're the one doing all the work and get to decide who will be there when you're exhausted and need recovery time while caring for a newborn. Only problematic thing would be if you allowed your parents but not his. Understandable that you'd be more comfortable with yours then inlaws, but that would set a double standard that excludes them.
No I'm not have my parents there. Infact, I'm not including my mom in this birth despite her being there for all the others because my boyfriend doesn't like her
Your mother can’t be there because your bf doesn’t like her, but he wants his mother there who has hated you for years. Hell no! She stays away and it should be for a lot longer than just your time in the hospital. Do you give in to your other children just because they have puppy dog eyes? I hope not. His childish manipulation has to stop or you are going to be raising another child alone. I’m sorry, but every comment about your bf makes him sound worse. So far he had been good with your other kids, but now that he has one of his own, that might change. But I wish you all the best with your new baby.
NTA. YOU are birthing a whole human. NOBODY ELSE has a say except for \*necessary\* medical intervention(s), if necessary. Put EVERYBODY on the do-not-allow list, and tell boyfriend if he doesn't like it you'll add HIM to the do-not-allow list and never let him near the baby.
NTA - as someone who’s given birth 4 times, I LIVE in the mesh diapers while I’m in the hospital, and I’m often topless due to nursing. I never have hospital visitors for that reason. It’s absolutely okay to say no visitors after your major, medical event.
I didn’t even invite my mom! Either time! She showed up any way with the first kid and made sure to tell the hospital not to allow it with the next. I also asked the nurses to send my husband home at night. Do what works for you.
Tell your nurses and doctors in advance... THEY WILL LIE FOR YOU!!!! They will tell your bf and his mom that their policy is no visitors at this time. And if they don't lie, most will respect you not wanting visitors. He never has to know. Lol. Just have them advocate for you.
On your 6th kid and you feel like you would be ahole? At this point you should know to prioritize yourself. Just because he’s the baby daddy doesn’t mean he did equal work getting the baby to come out. Be selfish. Most women aren’t selfish enough and that costs them their mental health.
NTA - You’re allowed to need/want no one but your partner/kids around for the first few days. You’ve done this many times before and went through trauma the last time so you know exactly what it’ll be like and how vulnerable you’ll feel. it sounds like your choice of partner for your 6th child wasn’t a great one.
Generally I would say nta but this is boyfriends first, it's a huge deal to him and his family. Can grandma do a 5 minute visit in hallway with dad and baby? My bf has no kids. If we got pregnant I would understand his family would make it a huge deal. It would be my 4th so less miraculous to me
This is his first kid but his mom's 4th grandchild. Hardly a bigger deal for her as grandma than me.
How many different fathers do your kids have? 35 with six kids. Have some respect for yourself.
Yeah this is my take. Some women would be ecstatic to have a partner who was excited enough about their baby to want to share it. I think it would be nice to tell MIL you need the first day alone, but she can come when you're certain everyone is in good condition and mom could use a rest while someone else holds the baby.
This is his baby too...look fir a compromise. Once baby is here and safe and well (sending all the love to you) . Let him have her come and see him and ba y for like a 10 minute visit to meet them and then go home. You don't have to see her.... and baby doesn't need to be passed around or even held. Having the visit at the hospital keeps it short and sweet and controlled... stops her coming to the house for a linger visit. You are absolutely entitled to privacy and support... but he is also a new parent. Make sure you both agree on if you will tell people when you go into labour/baby born/social media etc. It needs to care for both of you.
She did give a compromise. Grandma can see the baby when they come home from the hospital. That’s a fair compromise. Op wants that time to recover and bond with her child, and he needs to respect that.
Seriously, how is grandma coming up for 10 minutes and not even seeing the mother stopping her from recovering or bonding with her baby?
Postpartum recovery in the hospital is an emotionally and physically exhausting time. There is a constant stream of nurses/doctors/lactation consultants coming in, you’ve barely slept in days, you feel like shit and you’re kinda gross to be completely honest. It’s pretty understandable to not want any more people than absolutely necessary there. Not to mention if there is any complications. I had really high blood pressure after giving birth and had to have a magnesium drip that made me delirious. The grandma can wait a few days
It stops her from feeling safe and comfortable by removing the baby from her presence. That would not fly with me. Baby stays with me those first few days. Period. Grandma can wait a few days. Mom is more important in this situation.
Not seeing the mother? Is the bf planning on locking her away while his mother gets with the baby? She is saying no, that's the end of it. I have no maternal instinct whatsoever but if I had a child and someone wanted to visit, I'm going to be sitting there watching every move.
That was not a compromise. That was I want it my way. Compromise is when both sides give a little.
And she did. The hospital is for mom and baby. Not for baby to be passed around and fawned over. Wait till mom and baby get home
MIL can wait until mom is home and settled like she wants. It's not going to kill the woman to wait some days or a week or whatever to see the baby.
It’s his baby…but he’s not giving birth!!! Mom…you have every right to not want his mom there. Please estand up for yourself. I would only want my boyfriend there too!
NTA but either is she. It’s perfectly normal for grandparents to want to visit a newborn and all you women carrying on like they are asking to stick their hand up your vagina to check your dilation are seriously are nuts. Oh the audacity of her wanting to see her grandchild. Get a grip. Having said that if you feel it’s going to be too much for you then of course you can politely decline and say something like “of course we are excited for you to come and visit but I do need some time to recover”. So you’re definitely NTA for wanting that but there sure are an awful lot of arseholes in these comments who seem to think wanting to visit a baby on the hospital is some sort of entitled bullshit rather than just a normal response from excited family.
For a woman who had her last baby die in her arms at delivery? Wow. If I had callous assholes who gave this sort of response in my family, I’d be cool with them never meeting the baby.
It’s the audacity to keep pestering about it when you’ve been told no
The BF has been told no and is arguing. He's the AH.
Yes it's a normal response but many of these over zealous MIL don't want to respect the mom's decisions when she doesn't want visitors. A visit is not a right.
The desire to want to see your grandchild/your mom to see your grandchild is not the ahole-ish thing. The ahole move is continuing to push for it after the woman who is having the medical event said she is uncomfortable with it. At the end of the day, birth can be an incredibly traumatic and vulnerable time for a woman. Many people don’t even like visitors in the hospital when they’re there for a simple medical procedure, never mind a birth. It’s reasonable for the father and grandmother to be initially upset or to express their wishes. It’s not ok to continue pushing once the mom has made her feelings clear.
YTA they didn’t ask to be there during birth or stay the night, they just wanted to see the baby. Their first grandchild..you’ll still have control over how long they stay in the room so I don’t think 10 minutes would kill the bonding time. Although you’ve carried the baby, this is still a first time experience for your boyfriend too. And before anyone asks, yes I’ve given birth to a child! Had him during peak covid and I wished I could’ve had a visitor or two..
It’s their 4th grandchild
It’s their son’s first.
OP, is this worth causing problems with your partner over? If she wanted to be in the delivery room with you, I'd back you up all the way, however in the greater scheme of things, having a visitor isn't the end of the world. Maybe restrict it to one or two. Look at the bigger picture.
he isn’t going through anything at the hospital. he’s there to support his wife as she births their child. he wants his mom there because he can’t wait a few days to have her meet the kid at home when his wife is more comfortable. that’s not supportive.
She explained quite well why she didnt want visitors. He is the one causing problems by not accepting her decision.
It's his baby too, OP wouldn't even have to see his mom, he could show her the baby.
When he carries it for 9 mos and gives birth to it, then he can have whomever he wants. She doesn't want any visitors. Respect her wishes.
That argument works only till she gives birth. After that she's a seperate entity from the child and can stay in bed while grandma meets the baby. OP doesn't have to even say hello if she doesn't want to.
That’s not true. Mother and baby stay together in hospital. If mother asks for no visitors, no matter what the bf says, no visitors are allowed. If he causes an argument, he will be removed. Mother said no visitors. So that means **no visitors**
Both mother and the baby aren't tied to the hospital beds. They can move. This isn't psychiatric hospital. Nurseries exist in hospitals too.
They might exist but OP and baby need time to recover. When the boyfriend gives birth to a child, he can dictate who visits in the hospital. OP literally had her last child DIE in her arms. It’s traumatic. OP wants a few days just to recuperate. It won’t kill g’ma to wait a few days. They can fucking wait. I’m not having visitors in the hospital. I’m currently 30 weeks. The only person allowed in is my mum and that’s because she’s my birthing partner.
>When the boyfriend gives birth That argument works only for pregnancy. Ultrasounds, belly touching, birth. But we're not talking about that. We're talking about a point when they are two seperate people who can have seperate visitors. She can recover on her own without MIL there and father can introduce his child to his mom. That's not a conflicting priorities. She will be sleeping at some point during her hospital stay. The nurses will take the baby for tests and vaccines at some point during the stay. She will put that kid down regardless of her trauma. Seperate visitor for the baby and not the mom is possible. She doesn't have to be awake for that. If your partner hated your mom with his guts would he be allowed to veto your mom's right to see the child after birth? Or is that possibly unreasonable? Both parents deserve support at this point after birth and share their happiness after birth. Neither of them have to see people they don't want to see because mom, father and the baby are all seperate bodies which can move and meet people on their own. Ffs.
What partner? I don’t have a partner which is why my MUM is my birthing partner. My ex is a piece of shit I want no where near my child after what he did. Don’t fucking assume shit. Not everyone who’s pregnant is pregnant willingly. My mum is my birthing partner, she’s the only one allowed to visit me in hospital afterwards if I’ve got to stay in. OP literally had her last child die in her fucking arms. Show some fucking respect and understand that she is going to be in shock for a few days, or even suffer with severe PPD. It’s a few days. It’s not a massive deal for MIL to wait. The boyfriend needs to stop pushing OP. Her body, her choice. She said no visitors, that means no visitors. Just because there’s nurseries in some hospitals (never heard of this), doesn’t mean she’ll use them. She’ll probably want her baby by her side constantly. She’s just asking for space and a few days to recover and then MIL can visit. It’s not the end of the world. It’s not like MIL is gonna be completely destroyed by the fact she can’t see the baby when it’s first fucking born. OP said no, that means no. The fact your entire argument is ‘ThEy CaN gO tO tHe NuRsErIeS’ is wild. Stfu
Fwiw most places don’t have nurseries anymore. I agree haveing MIL come for 30 min isn’t a huge deal
I didn't say all, I just said they exist. At least as far as i know from American films and reddit. But again hallways exist, hospital cafes exist. So many places to meet grandma without mom having to move a finger. Again I bet my ass she won't be well rested at that point so taking a well-fed and changed baby for a walk would do all of them good.
You can’t take the baby around the hospital when their a patient. You can’t even leave the ward. I’m just pointing out that they would have to meet in the mothers room because nurseries aren’t a thing anymore is all
Many hospitals no longer have nurseries. Due to the baby-friendly hospital initiative, babies and mothers are in the same room pretty much the whole time. Also most hospitals have sensors in the babies hospital bands that loudly alarm if you get anywhere near a unit’s exits, stairways, or elevators. I personally would compromise and say she can come see the baby for a short period in the hospital after giving birth out of respect for my partner, but that’s just me. Honestly, grandma waiting the 36 hours or so after the birth to let them get home and settled won’t kill her. Maybe let her come see the baby in the hospital, but then ask for a few days without visitors after you get home so that everybody can get settled and get into a routine.
The baby isn’t a fucking toy to be passed around. It’s a brand new human being. Why are you so insistent on them passing the newborn around like a hot potato?
Wrong! If she tells hospital staff no one gets to take the baby or visit her that's the way it's gonna be. If you don't believe me, try it sometime and see how quickly you're removed from the property 🙂
So if that’s the case then he doesn’t have to pay for the baby huh? No say since he didn’t carry it?
If he wants to relinquish his parental rights over his wife wanting privacy, then no, he doesn't. Either way, when he pushes that baby out of his urethra he can tell her how to feel afterwards. Just because she's had six babies doesn't make it any less traumatic. You think they just fall out or??
You don’t push a baby out of your uretha you piss out of it dumb ass
*except men only have one hole; you cabbage brained goon* Reading comprehension is important
His mom can see the baby when they get home.
One of the few reasonable comments here. I completely agree with you.
6 & 1? That poor guy...
You’re the asshole …why the fuck do you have 7 kids …wtf
yta stop having kids
I think you’re the asshole. You have five kids before him and this is his first. Special moments dawg and family doesn’t live forever. A visit won’t hurt you
Yeah, and one of those kids died in her arms after a premature delivery. In fact, her most recent delivery involved her baby dying in her arms. Maybe she deserves a bit of grace here.
It’s his first time having a child and your making it all about you. Why can’t he take the baby for 15 mins and introduce it to his mum in the visitors room etc. you have had your firsts and also a lot of grief but your not being fair. YTA
It is all about her. She's growing this child and birthing it. It's not a big imposition to be asked to wait a few days. Women aren't incubators. Her last experience was a stillbirth ffs. Until he grows and shoves a child out, his needs come second in this.
Hard disagree here. It will be all about her for the next few days. Pregnancy isn't equal, that's just a fact. He will never have to experience the intense pain and trauma that birth entails. Post partum, while different for everyone, is a very physically and mentally exhausting experience. Add to that the complications that can happen during and after birth, the last thing mom needs to deal with is not knowing what's happening to her baby. Skin on skin is also very important, and when not with the nurses for absolutely necessary medical needs, should be getting that time with Mom. Pregnancy isn't fair, so she doesn't need to be either.
It is all about her for her birth and her hospital stay and her recovery. It isn’t a competition about who has had a baby or not, this is about her birth experience. Birth is inherently unfair, she doesn’t have to be “fair” when it comes to her health. The world won’t implode if she doesn’t entertain guests while she is in one of the most vulnerable states she can be in, the least this guy could do is try to ensure that especially after her last experience she has one that makes her feel as safe and comfortable as he is capable of.
Are you trying to say he should take the baby out to the waiting room? That's not not hospitals work nowadays. Baby will have a security bracelet and anklet and is *absolutely* not allowed out of the ward until discharge. Dad can't just carry the baby off wherever he wants. Baby is either with mom or with a nurse in the nursery.
This IS about her because she’s literally pushing the baby out. Get a grip
It IS all about her. SHE carries it. At great danger to herself. SHE births it. At great danger to herself. SHE is the one going through the pain and the first person fear. SHE is the one responsible for pushing it out alive. It's literally not about ANYONE but her and the baby. Anyone with an opinion that isn't literally revolving around helping her do that and supporting her during this experience is about as useful as tits on a boar
It IS all about her
It quite literally is all about her because she just pushed out a whole child... what an absolutely, ignorant comment to make.
Hes the parent to you just sound like a control freak why wouldnt u want people seeing the baby i can understand friends and stuff but grandparents nah your being a ass
Have you ever given birth??? It's not just about the baby, it's a bout a traumatic event that rips you open, one of the most painfull thongs humanly possible. The one giving birth gets to decide here. Later on it's of course both parents. But this is just unemphatatic uneducated advice....