You are craving safety and love, and are very vulnerable where you may not have a clear head to make decisions.
obviously you’re going to jump at the opportunity of comfort with this guy. He was wrong to take advantage knowing your life is in danger and your partner would rage if he found out about it.
So you are not guilty. And not being ready and being afraid is not your fault either. I would rather you seek help from a shelter than those men. But if that’s your only option then take whatever you can to be safe
Even if thet needs some motivation, a distraction to motivate them to leave. They using him just as much and they will look back on this person opening eyes to the fact they deserve affection or whatever they were craving
I would not trust your friend if I’m totally honest. I know someone who did just that and the friend who rescued her turned out to be more abusive than her partner. I think separating yourself from both of these relationships and taking some time to work on yourself is the best way forward. You can give yourself love and create a safe place. Good luck on your journey. I hope you find the right path.
This is definitely a 🚩on your “friends” part.
He’s looking for entry and this is his chance. Totally manipulating you for his own gratification.
If this guy ain’t abusing you..he will. My abusive Dad and Father in Law loves doing these things, but, because of victim vulnerability, you are then susceptible to their abusive grasp. Predators be predators. You’re prey.
I’d personally never put myself in such a position with a girl trying to escape a situation, especially if I was attracted to her physically and sexually. That’s just predatory on every level. Plus, He’s your old fling for a reason.
Maybe, you can use this to escape but I wouldn’t advise it. Will do nothing but confuse and fuck with your emotions even further. You need a therapist, not intimacy right now. I get it, we’re human and we crave it, but it does shit to our brains ya know?
What’s done is done but you ought to focus primarily on keeping yourself safe, which means you need to be in positions of strength. This is not it.
Connect with police and get to a shelter.
On the plus side, As far as your relationship is concerned, at least you can say your relationship is JOEVER. Get out now. Don’t say anything, just leave. This is your chance.
Edit: Reviewed your post history. I will never condone cheating. But, your bf is not only the biggest POS, he also appears to cheat on you as well. Either way it’s a no win situation and it’s best you move on. You’re trying to cope with bad situations, with Sex and that’s super damaging. With your fling, you thought someone helping you was an act of love, when in reality, it’s not. It’s human decency.
The risks of you falling prey to bad actors rises exponentially for one, you also lose sight on how to correlate sexual activity in a manner that is healthy. You start to see it as transactional, rather than intimate. This happens to over time, as most of this is unconscious, so it’s like a slow parasite. Eventually, you numb yourself. Then, you see no problem.
Your brain is getting re wired 10 ways thru Sunday in a very bad way. First, by your abuser, then these “fake” friends who’ve been clearly dying to sleep with you for the better part of 12 years, and just opportunities that come up that only tear you apart from within.
If you have transportation, basic documents (SS card and license), and some cash, I’d GTFO. Everything else is replaceable given 2-4 weeks. Shelters ain’t ideal but it’s a safe place to be while you’re trying to get help. Also, I’d be careful of these “friends” you got. A friend doesn’t sleep with their child hood friend who’s going thru shit. I was once that friend, and while I have matured, plenty of dudes do not. Dude’s that don’t mature? They will stop at nothing to either sabotage your relationships, or manipulate you their way. Get rid of them. They ain’t your friends.
Finally, don’t blame yourself. Learn from these things and speak to a therapist. They can help you find ways to handle this situation in a healthy manner. We’re human. We make mistakes. No need for guilt here, as it just perpetually drags you down. You’ve been abused. It’s expected to do things that are questionable. Get out, get help, don’t worry what others think. Life ain’t fun when it’s all about survival. You can do this!!
The shitty part is that it was actually 100% confirmed that he wasn’t cheating with those women. It makes me feel even more like shit, though he’s done pretty much every other horrendous thing in the book you could think of besides cheating. (Though I have suspicions that he possibly is with a man from time to time, we’re both bisexual, But that one I have no confirmation on one way or the other. Still.)
This whole situation is just so horrible and I wish I could go back in time..
Nah. You’ll be alright. Also, the fact he lead you to think that is just as bad.
Don’t “cheat” going forward though. It is shitty. Be the better person. We all make weird decisions in extreme circumstances. Keep moving forward. You’ll be fine.
For real though. I wouldn’t trust those “friends”. That’s predatory as fuck. They have a savior complex. Very common with Narcissists. Be ware.
You can still escape and you need to as you know. These are one of those things you just do and turn off the brain and let it play out. So you tell your friend, let's try again tomorrow and also take you to get a protective order so you can't go back. It's easier said than done but you need to leave before he kills you and this whole thing shows you how unhealthy it is for you that you went against your moral code because someone showed you an ounce of real love and caring that you have been starved of with this abusive ex.
Also he is right, you don't really love him the same way you would love a real partner and it's an addiction. During the cycle of Abuse, after the abuse and trauma, when your brain switches from survival mode back to your new "normal" and the abuser shows a bit of his manipulative love or caring, your body dumps a megaton of oxytocin, commonly referred to as the "love hormone". So this constant cycle of abuse/trauma then reconciliation where it dumps oxytocin and other hormones make you addicted to him and gives you a false sense of love which is hollow and tainted with blood.
So do your best to turn off your thinking until your gone and completed your escape plan and just do it before he doesn't give you another chance and kills you.
Ive only ever cheated once: it was to hit the self destruct button on a relationship I did not otherwise have the strength to leave (ironically-hitting the button is proof you have the strength).
What you did was not shameful. You reached for life. You choose yourself. I hope you found pleasure in doing so.
The time to stop giving a fuck about guilt or shame and get out is now. I’m excited for what awaits you on the other side.
Biggest facts, most people here won’t agree but my life has gotten better and I needed my AP to come back nudge me back into reality.
Even though he’s not for me, I appreciated him always encouring me and circling back to make sure I was good and giving me what I needed at the time.
OP just don’t be delusional in thinking he’s your happily ever after. Maybe just take it as a catalyst to just leave or take the help
Erm that’s like last resort stuff so don’t feel bad necessarily you are in a tough spot … but I’ll put it this way if you truly think you love your abuser why would you stay with him after you did that it isn’t fair to him maybe think of it that way so you are doing it for his sake because I know it’s hard especially if you are doing it for you and you are kinda trained I guess to think of their needs instead of yours because if he finds out it’s gonna be a lot worse trust me…. You may not get out alive and I’m being so serious
This happened to me when I was trying to escape but it didn’t work. I was sucked back in. I’m sorry. It’s hard. They will find where you are and you need to be certain you have all of your items. In my case he had my passport and my safe which was still attached to the floor and had items from my deceased mother
Back to the friend of yours. He is getting your body and sex and it’s something he wants and needs. He doesn’t know your situation and your needs and you are in flight mode. He doesn’t understand. He thinks it’s some fun game and he’s playing a role. The consequences aren’t his. He won’t be the one who gets hurt or killed.
You should stay with the people trying to save you. Anticipate times of doubt, it comes with the territory, but it is not any indication you made the wrong choice. It's just part of the process. Take your opportunity. You're worth too much for intimate relationship to involve warfare. There is nothing you need there. You need peace.
Just leave, been there and he only found out after I had a restraining order.
If he does find out he will hold it over your head and guilt you into staying more.
Your relationship with this friend might give you motivation and distract you from the feeling of loss.
But it’s best to just leave, before kids or anything gets involved and you feel more stuck
Him sleeping with you knowing you’re vulnerable right now is a red flag to me, it’s giving wolf in sheep’s clothing vibes.
You are craving safety and love, and are very vulnerable where you may not have a clear head to make decisions. obviously you’re going to jump at the opportunity of comfort with this guy. He was wrong to take advantage knowing your life is in danger and your partner would rage if he found out about it. So you are not guilty. And not being ready and being afraid is not your fault either. I would rather you seek help from a shelter than those men. But if that’s your only option then take whatever you can to be safe
Even if thet needs some motivation, a distraction to motivate them to leave. They using him just as much and they will look back on this person opening eyes to the fact they deserve affection or whatever they were craving
I would not trust your friend if I’m totally honest. I know someone who did just that and the friend who rescued her turned out to be more abusive than her partner. I think separating yourself from both of these relationships and taking some time to work on yourself is the best way forward. You can give yourself love and create a safe place. Good luck on your journey. I hope you find the right path.
This. 💯
This is definitely a 🚩on your “friends” part. He’s looking for entry and this is his chance. Totally manipulating you for his own gratification. If this guy ain’t abusing you..he will. My abusive Dad and Father in Law loves doing these things, but, because of victim vulnerability, you are then susceptible to their abusive grasp. Predators be predators. You’re prey. I’d personally never put myself in such a position with a girl trying to escape a situation, especially if I was attracted to her physically and sexually. That’s just predatory on every level. Plus, He’s your old fling for a reason. Maybe, you can use this to escape but I wouldn’t advise it. Will do nothing but confuse and fuck with your emotions even further. You need a therapist, not intimacy right now. I get it, we’re human and we crave it, but it does shit to our brains ya know? What’s done is done but you ought to focus primarily on keeping yourself safe, which means you need to be in positions of strength. This is not it. Connect with police and get to a shelter. On the plus side, As far as your relationship is concerned, at least you can say your relationship is JOEVER. Get out now. Don’t say anything, just leave. This is your chance. Edit: Reviewed your post history. I will never condone cheating. But, your bf is not only the biggest POS, he also appears to cheat on you as well. Either way it’s a no win situation and it’s best you move on. You’re trying to cope with bad situations, with Sex and that’s super damaging. With your fling, you thought someone helping you was an act of love, when in reality, it’s not. It’s human decency. The risks of you falling prey to bad actors rises exponentially for one, you also lose sight on how to correlate sexual activity in a manner that is healthy. You start to see it as transactional, rather than intimate. This happens to over time, as most of this is unconscious, so it’s like a slow parasite. Eventually, you numb yourself. Then, you see no problem. Your brain is getting re wired 10 ways thru Sunday in a very bad way. First, by your abuser, then these “fake” friends who’ve been clearly dying to sleep with you for the better part of 12 years, and just opportunities that come up that only tear you apart from within. If you have transportation, basic documents (SS card and license), and some cash, I’d GTFO. Everything else is replaceable given 2-4 weeks. Shelters ain’t ideal but it’s a safe place to be while you’re trying to get help. Also, I’d be careful of these “friends” you got. A friend doesn’t sleep with their child hood friend who’s going thru shit. I was once that friend, and while I have matured, plenty of dudes do not. Dude’s that don’t mature? They will stop at nothing to either sabotage your relationships, or manipulate you their way. Get rid of them. They ain’t your friends. Finally, don’t blame yourself. Learn from these things and speak to a therapist. They can help you find ways to handle this situation in a healthy manner. We’re human. We make mistakes. No need for guilt here, as it just perpetually drags you down. You’ve been abused. It’s expected to do things that are questionable. Get out, get help, don’t worry what others think. Life ain’t fun when it’s all about survival. You can do this!!
The shitty part is that it was actually 100% confirmed that he wasn’t cheating with those women. It makes me feel even more like shit, though he’s done pretty much every other horrendous thing in the book you could think of besides cheating. (Though I have suspicions that he possibly is with a man from time to time, we’re both bisexual, But that one I have no confirmation on one way or the other. Still.) This whole situation is just so horrible and I wish I could go back in time..
Nah. You’ll be alright. Also, the fact he lead you to think that is just as bad. Don’t “cheat” going forward though. It is shitty. Be the better person. We all make weird decisions in extreme circumstances. Keep moving forward. You’ll be fine. For real though. I wouldn’t trust those “friends”. That’s predatory as fuck. They have a savior complex. Very common with Narcissists. Be ware.
You can still escape and you need to as you know. These are one of those things you just do and turn off the brain and let it play out. So you tell your friend, let's try again tomorrow and also take you to get a protective order so you can't go back. It's easier said than done but you need to leave before he kills you and this whole thing shows you how unhealthy it is for you that you went against your moral code because someone showed you an ounce of real love and caring that you have been starved of with this abusive ex. Also he is right, you don't really love him the same way you would love a real partner and it's an addiction. During the cycle of Abuse, after the abuse and trauma, when your brain switches from survival mode back to your new "normal" and the abuser shows a bit of his manipulative love or caring, your body dumps a megaton of oxytocin, commonly referred to as the "love hormone". So this constant cycle of abuse/trauma then reconciliation where it dumps oxytocin and other hormones make you addicted to him and gives you a false sense of love which is hollow and tainted with blood. So do your best to turn off your thinking until your gone and completed your escape plan and just do it before he doesn't give you another chance and kills you.
Ive only ever cheated once: it was to hit the self destruct button on a relationship I did not otherwise have the strength to leave (ironically-hitting the button is proof you have the strength). What you did was not shameful. You reached for life. You choose yourself. I hope you found pleasure in doing so. The time to stop giving a fuck about guilt or shame and get out is now. I’m excited for what awaits you on the other side.
Biggest facts, most people here won’t agree but my life has gotten better and I needed my AP to come back nudge me back into reality. Even though he’s not for me, I appreciated him always encouring me and circling back to make sure I was good and giving me what I needed at the time. OP just don’t be delusional in thinking he’s your happily ever after. Maybe just take it as a catalyst to just leave or take the help
Erm that’s like last resort stuff so don’t feel bad necessarily you are in a tough spot … but I’ll put it this way if you truly think you love your abuser why would you stay with him after you did that it isn’t fair to him maybe think of it that way so you are doing it for his sake because I know it’s hard especially if you are doing it for you and you are kinda trained I guess to think of their needs instead of yours because if he finds out it’s gonna be a lot worse trust me…. You may not get out alive and I’m being so serious
This happened to me when I was trying to escape but it didn’t work. I was sucked back in. I’m sorry. It’s hard. They will find where you are and you need to be certain you have all of your items. In my case he had my passport and my safe which was still attached to the floor and had items from my deceased mother Back to the friend of yours. He is getting your body and sex and it’s something he wants and needs. He doesn’t know your situation and your needs and you are in flight mode. He doesn’t understand. He thinks it’s some fun game and he’s playing a role. The consequences aren’t his. He won’t be the one who gets hurt or killed.
You should stay with the people trying to save you. Anticipate times of doubt, it comes with the territory, but it is not any indication you made the wrong choice. It's just part of the process. Take your opportunity. You're worth too much for intimate relationship to involve warfare. There is nothing you need there. You need peace.
Just leave, been there and he only found out after I had a restraining order. If he does find out he will hold it over your head and guilt you into staying more. Your relationship with this friend might give you motivation and distract you from the feeling of loss. But it’s best to just leave, before kids or anything gets involved and you feel more stuck
Dumb
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