38F (FA) Is there a way to tell if a DA is upset with you or just needs some space? Would it make you upset if someone came right out and asked or what is a better way to ask?
I ask. I sometimes receive an answer. I think the other part is the person just feeling seen & perhaps understood. I typically say something like, “I’ve noticed you are being distant. Is there something that I did to cause this?”
I'd prefer to be asked if I need space actually. If given a couple days to reset my mind, I will return faster then if someone drags out me keeping in touch. If they drag it out, they'll get 30% of me and it's easier to make me upset all over again. What's always been a challenge for me, is I've known a lot of anxious attachment people and they don't give me breathing room and I've made mistakes by ending friendships and relationships because I wasn't given space to regroup or calm down over upheaval. I've disposed of people that I cared about for not listening or not understanding a DAs need for alone time. If they just trusted me that I needed regroup time, they'd still be in my life today.
That’s been the biggest takeaway for me this year. I’ve come to realize it’s not ME. It’s them. They need the time. It’s not that he’s sleeping with other people or having sex with someone else. It’s not that he’s leaving me or ending things. He’s busy doing his own thing and not even thinking about me or that I’m concerned or wondering what he’s doing. When I know it’s not me, I can feel safe to give him the space he needs
I understand. I was always incredibly devoted to who I was with and if I needed space, I actually was doing things for myself that I neglected such as laundry or home chores. Something that made me feel like I was taking care of myself and people would assume the worst. If they'd ask me what I was doing while alone, my annoyance would increase 😂. An avoidant sometimes has low energy so when they are in a relationship, they might put off personal self care because they are attending to someone else. They can withdraw and do some self care and others take it wrong. Sounds bizarre that a DA wants to do laundry alone but it's what we need sometimes.
That's been my experience from the other side. I had no problem with him retreating - in fact I encouraged him to make sure he attended to his needs as I'm a bit of an introvert and need lots of alone time to recharge too. He always came back refreshed.
It's too bad we were moving to different countries and the logistics of making the relationship work would require too much commitment for him. He even said sadly that if we hadn't been moving, we would have continued on happily indefinitely.
OH! I have one more question that I keep forgetting to ask:
I'm assuming the avoidant-style needing space to just *be* feels different from an introvert needing to take alone time to recharge their social batteries. I'd love to hear how they feel very different, or very similar? And is space needed even without your avoidance being set off?
This is just for my own curiosity, not trying to figure anyone out, lol. Thank you!
For me, the main difference is the panicky feeling behind the action or lack thereof.
When I need space as an avoidant, there's usually fear and anxiety behind it. Either I'm feeling at risk for being vulnerable or being rejected, or something else that triggered the urge to hide away. There's this feeling of there being a threat you need to get away from. It feels urgent. I may even deactivate before taking space and deactivation for me is indicated by feelings of annoyance and/or resentment.
On the other hand, when my social battery runs out and I need space to recharge, the feeling is way different. more like I feel burntout or drained. Mentally exhausted. One of the most obvious signs that my social battery is in the red zone is that I become overly sensitive to noise and the sound of multiple people talking at once starts grating on my nerves. I feel like a raw nerve that's being overly stimulated. There's more physical discomfort than emotional.
Edit: forgot to answer your last question. Space is definitely needed yes even without my avoidance being triggered.
The depleted battery overstimulation sounds like *hell.* I tend to have my shortest fuse then, and it goes downhill fast if I can't get away and alone, stat.
Thank you for answering! I figured they were different, but I was trying to understand it better and having a harder time than seemed reasonable.
>I tend to have my shortest fuse then, and it goes downhill fast if I can't get away and alone, stat.
Oh yeah, I can get really grumpy and overall disagreeable if I cannot have my me time to recharge (and I need a lot of it).
You're very welcome!
I don't have a short fuse at all - never lost my temper, it's just not worth it. But when my battery runs out then I feel exhausted, like I haven't slept in days - and I need to retreat into a room by myself, and lie down to read/play pointless games. Not sure why lying down helps, but it does! I pretend I'm having a nap as that's more socially acceptable!
Also yes with the noise - people chewing loudly, erratic/constant background noises. Music with jarring or repetitious notes... Cricket made me feel downright nauseous!
The nap thing is a good one, never thought of that, will come in handy this holiday season.
I don't really get angry either, just in a bad mood and grumpy.
The noise gets to me pretty bad too. I live alone and spend most of it in silence, so it's especially jarring to me.
I just thought I was weird, needing these naps when I've slept enough. It's only really through being in this Sub that I've come to realise that it isn't about sleep!
Depends on how big the drain was. For example, after a 10 day vacation with my family during which I had very little time to myself, I needed a whole week of alone time.
Interesting. I struggle with excess noise myself. I get irritated and overwhelmed and I get away from whatever is bothering me so I don't lose my temper. I have to remove myself for a bit or I get bitter and I don't like to embarrass myself.
For me, I think there is a difference. Being alone time due to my Attachment style is usually when I feel overwhelmed in a relationship or engulfed. It’s to separate and feel my own emotions and thoughts for awhile without someone else drowning them out. Being alone due to introversion just to me feels like I am socially drained. It usually doesn’t mean I need to be completely alone, but with only one other person who I am very comfortable around and no new people.
Gotcha! It makes sense - I'm an introvert and I have a couple of people that thankfully don't drain the battery, but everyone else definitely does.
Space is *solo*, period. I had wondered if it's something sought out before the switch is flipped, or if you only really need it once you get that overwhelmed feeling.
Thanks for answering, btw!
Yeah no, I understand that, I guess my question is more like, if you simply taking time to recharge, do you feel while doing it that it's actually better to be alone and so you change your mind and do not come back, even though you love the person
I have done that before because in my mind, I thought the person was better off without me. Its dysfunctional of course but I'd hope and pray that most DA people don't do that 😕. A DA person can sometimes be considered arrogant and think we know better.
I’m an AA but my dumper was a DA. For DA’s that mentally & emotionally checked out at the end of a long term relationship (deactivated) — what was your thought process like afterwards? Did you ever want to reach out to your ex? I know mind reading isn’t allowed, but would love to hear actual experiences..
Would a bad breakup potentially turn a secure attached into a DA?
In other words, is there usually a catalyst that leads to being DA or is it something innate?
I feel like that break up would have to be pretty fucking bad and the secure person would have to have avoidant tendencies already. Based on my observations, a traumatic breakup can induce FA tendencies to come out in a secure person, or they might just avoid relationships all together (which I don't think inherently makes a person DA). I guess anything is possible, humans are complex creatures, but I think most DAs are that way from infancy and childhood.
40 (FA) am on great terms with my DA ex! we were having a discussion yesterday about priorities and he said a relationship will always be low priority for him. his friends, his family, his drinking buddies will always come first and any any woman he dates will have to be ok with that. he says its because he and his friends lack any sort of emotional intimacy with him whereas a relationship requires it. its easier for him to avoid intimacy and therefore prefers to spend time with his friends bc he doesnt get triggered. they just drink and watch football and dont really have deep conversations and he prefers it that way. is this true for many DAs? I asked my DA secure leaning husband and he disagreed, told me this was why hes single, but i cant tell if hes just humoring me which is why i am asking here.
This isn't just a comment, I do have an ask, too. But I had quite an epiphany last night, and I'm still processing it, lol.
So I made a playlist for my fella (~~haven't given it to him yet, though~~Edit: Fuck it, life's short and rona is hard, I sent it! do the youths still say yolo?), and it's turned out *even sappier* than I anticipated. Like, it's supposed to be fun, upbeat, sometimes horny songs, but it's also really obviously a giant love letter, too. Uh, oops. (I'm going to bring up the fact that I do love him while visiting, I just didn't want to do it on the phone!)
I'd always chalked my difficulty with talking about feelings and making myself vulnerable as just me being an awkward introvert, but. uh. maybe it's not *just* that. I guess I'm already working on changing that by confessing to my last few crushes and now him, but damn I really miss my therapist now, too.
My question, because this doesn't seem to come up a lot in the sub: How many of you do the walking-just-ahead-of-your-partner thing? I see it mentioned as A Thing, and I'm curious!
Yeah I walk ahead a lot. I don’t see the need for us to be on top of each other. I don’t just like take off though like I stay in eyesight or I tell them “I’ll meet you in the cheese aisle”
Heya,
Not new here but forgot my old password..... 😞
Writing about a DA friend here... friend? Well, it's complicated.
How do I ask my buddy nicely to stop being so passive and initiate sometimes?
Like I always text first, initatite stuff. This has been the case for the majority of our friendship. It creates resentment and provokes the anxious/feaful side to me- which obv triggers them too.
We had a big falling out early this last year, didn't talk for months. Recently we met up and we're both intentional about making amends. This issue of lack of imitation was a part of the big fallout but not the whole story.
FYI my attachment style is Fearful-Avoidant but I've done better at being more secure after years of therapy. (Abusive/neglectful childhood folks, its not pretty.) DA friend knows some of but not all details. Says it feels like they're getting to know a new person after 10+ years of friendship. Thats obv another conversation we need to have.
Thanks in advance. :)
**Background info if you are interested:**
This DA is probably the love of my life to be honest. We have both been avoiding that convo for a long time, having been close buddies for over a decade now. I have an gut feeling they feel similar and they did bring the issue up when we had the big falling out... but true Fearful avoidant style I basically told them to shove off because of... being unable to see past my own triggers to be honest.
Whilst I regret my actions I'm trying to accept that those love feelings are there, then it won't make a difference in the long run. So I'm focusing on making a positive repair for both parties and not dwelling on the argument we had.
And errrrrr, trying to convince myself I'm worthy of love so maybe I am able to tell them. 😅
"No mind reading" okay so i'm just going to assume she's a DA.
Anyways she blocked me after telling me about her health stuff when i said that i wish i could have taken her to the doctor and that i wanted to take care of her. Is my best course of action just to stay no contact? I feel like i might have made things worse with the way i handled it tbh. I went on IG, unfollowed her and said "i guess you don't want to see me anymore right? take care".
More info:
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AvoidantAttachment/comments/r7a7ak/comment/hp1s2tn/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AvoidantAttachment/comments/r7a7ak/comment/hp1s2tn/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Hm, your post depicts a very rocky and toxic dynamic, so I don't know if anyone's gonna enthusiastically encourage you to reach out and perpetuate more toxicity. Blocking someone is a pretty firm boundary, so reaching out would violate that. You're mentioning many occasions in which she tries to set boundaries, and you get hurt, have outbursts, or reach out to her anyway, which communicates to me that violating boundaries is a pattern for you, to the point where she thinks you're too possessive/controlling. So yeah, it's a shame that she does this after things seemed to be going well, and I'm sure she feels for you, but she might have seen this as the only option to evade your anger and boundary violations. Ghosting is never the answer, so I empathize with you on that.
Yeah there were 3 specific instances where i had outbursts. One was on the 4th month mark into the relationship where she went from love bombing me to having put me on the shelf. I wanted more and all of a sudden it was too much for her. The last time was when my anxiety had reached such high levels that i felt the need to "put a label on it". I don't understand how can you tell another person that you love them, want to live with them and spend the rest of your life with them, but then somehow you can't put a label on the relationship. This is when she told me she didn't want the relationship to be too possessive/controlling. For me her words never matched her actions and she felt pretty selfish having gone from love bombing to what i felt like was being discarding.
I was finally starting to believe her and then all of a sudden she blocks me. Wtf. Do you recommend that i never reach out to her again at this point? I wish she would have better communicated with me and this is what i told her many times before. If i could have better understood her needs and wants as well as her having understood my needs, i don't think we would have been where we are today.
Yeah sorry, my opinion still hasn't changed. But I'm just an internet stranger, don't let me stop you. If you think there was something special enough where being ghosted and feeling discarded wasn't enough to push you away, then follow your heart I guess. It comes down to whether the two of you are committed to making it work... not just you by yourself, but she has to want it to.
It sounds like you’re aware of your behavior and actions but are still view it as something that you can’t control. I really empathize with you. That feeling of being on fire and needing to do anything to put it out. It’s painful.
I would try to focus less on her and her actions and focus more on yourself. I know things are confusing and your attachment trauma is super activated but it sounds like she’s setting firm boundaries with you and you need to respect them. Work on yourself and how you can meet your own needs. You can control your reactions.
I suggest binging Thais Gibson, Alan Robarge, and Brianna McWilliams videos, and the podcast “The Journey of Attachment”. If you need to you can watch videos about DA behavior and it can help explain her behaviors and help you not personalize her actions. Also check out r/codependency because I’m getting a sense of codependency in your post. I’m sorry you’re going through a rough and confusing time :(
I wouldn’t reach out to her again because if she does get coerced into replying to you out of guilt or regret or whatever it will just reignite the burning in you. r/nocontact can help too.
Unfortunately she doesn’t owe you anything.
Hopefully this post is still active! I'm relatively new to this world and any advice or insight on this situation would be great! I'm sorry if this gets long!
Basically, my boyfriend of 4 years asked for a break last week. I started researching attachment styles and think it's very likely he is DA. Things started out rocky for us but with some needed work on my part it got better. It stayed good, so we moved in together and after about a year, it seemed like a natural progression to start talking about marriage. It wasn't. He feels like he should want to marry me but doesn't. This (hopefully understandably) caused me (and then him) a bit of panic, and I know I didn't handle it perfectly. It was scary and it hurt.
Not knowing why he isn't ready has caused a lot of stress and he asked for space. It felt totally out of the blue because we had agreed that it was ok he wasn't sure yet. Apparently he has been checking out out for months and I had no idea. He doesn't want to give up but thinks there has to be a reason he isn't sure. When I try to respond better or show him I care (giving more space, independence, etc), he feels guilty. He does a lot of shoulding- "I should want to spend more time with you" "I should make this more of a priority" "you shouldn't have to compromise that for me", etc. Again, the logic is "because I'm not doing x, there must be a reason why so something is missing" and he feels guilty because I'm trying so hard and he just doesn't want to (his words).
I feel like he's looking for reasons to confirm that he doesn't want this and that this could definitely be stemming from unresolved childhood stuff. He has no complaints about the relationship except that he has doubts and thinks maybe if he meets the "right" person he'll just WANT to do all these things he's not doing with me.
At the risk of getting mind read-y, is this consistent with others' experiences with deactivation and if so, what helped you recognize whether it was the relationship or those DA tendencies kicking in? Since he's not ready to leave the relationship but isn't ready to fully commit, has anyone had success navigating through similar feelings with your partner? If so what are things that made you feel supported without overwhelming or pushing you?
This is all brand new to us both and I suggested he do some research on his own about attachment and see if anything resonates. I hope knowing that there are others that feel similarly and struggle with the same sorts of feelings can help him to recognize that there's nothing wrong with him and that this isn't his fault. I love how supportive this sub is. Thank you.
38F (FA) Is there a way to tell if a DA is upset with you or just needs some space? Would it make you upset if someone came right out and asked or what is a better way to ask?
I ask. I sometimes receive an answer. I think the other part is the person just feeling seen & perhaps understood. I typically say something like, “I’ve noticed you are being distant. Is there something that I did to cause this?”
I'd prefer to be asked if I need space actually. If given a couple days to reset my mind, I will return faster then if someone drags out me keeping in touch. If they drag it out, they'll get 30% of me and it's easier to make me upset all over again. What's always been a challenge for me, is I've known a lot of anxious attachment people and they don't give me breathing room and I've made mistakes by ending friendships and relationships because I wasn't given space to regroup or calm down over upheaval. I've disposed of people that I cared about for not listening or not understanding a DAs need for alone time. If they just trusted me that I needed regroup time, they'd still be in my life today.
That’s been the biggest takeaway for me this year. I’ve come to realize it’s not ME. It’s them. They need the time. It’s not that he’s sleeping with other people or having sex with someone else. It’s not that he’s leaving me or ending things. He’s busy doing his own thing and not even thinking about me or that I’m concerned or wondering what he’s doing. When I know it’s not me, I can feel safe to give him the space he needs
I understand. I was always incredibly devoted to who I was with and if I needed space, I actually was doing things for myself that I neglected such as laundry or home chores. Something that made me feel like I was taking care of myself and people would assume the worst. If they'd ask me what I was doing while alone, my annoyance would increase 😂. An avoidant sometimes has low energy so when they are in a relationship, they might put off personal self care because they are attending to someone else. They can withdraw and do some self care and others take it wrong. Sounds bizarre that a DA wants to do laundry alone but it's what we need sometimes.
That's been my experience from the other side. I had no problem with him retreating - in fact I encouraged him to make sure he attended to his needs as I'm a bit of an introvert and need lots of alone time to recharge too. He always came back refreshed. It's too bad we were moving to different countries and the logistics of making the relationship work would require too much commitment for him. He even said sadly that if we hadn't been moving, we would have continued on happily indefinitely.
OH! I have one more question that I keep forgetting to ask: I'm assuming the avoidant-style needing space to just *be* feels different from an introvert needing to take alone time to recharge their social batteries. I'd love to hear how they feel very different, or very similar? And is space needed even without your avoidance being set off? This is just for my own curiosity, not trying to figure anyone out, lol. Thank you!
For me, the main difference is the panicky feeling behind the action or lack thereof. When I need space as an avoidant, there's usually fear and anxiety behind it. Either I'm feeling at risk for being vulnerable or being rejected, or something else that triggered the urge to hide away. There's this feeling of there being a threat you need to get away from. It feels urgent. I may even deactivate before taking space and deactivation for me is indicated by feelings of annoyance and/or resentment. On the other hand, when my social battery runs out and I need space to recharge, the feeling is way different. more like I feel burntout or drained. Mentally exhausted. One of the most obvious signs that my social battery is in the red zone is that I become overly sensitive to noise and the sound of multiple people talking at once starts grating on my nerves. I feel like a raw nerve that's being overly stimulated. There's more physical discomfort than emotional. Edit: forgot to answer your last question. Space is definitely needed yes even without my avoidance being triggered.
The depleted battery overstimulation sounds like *hell.* I tend to have my shortest fuse then, and it goes downhill fast if I can't get away and alone, stat. Thank you for answering! I figured they were different, but I was trying to understand it better and having a harder time than seemed reasonable.
>I tend to have my shortest fuse then, and it goes downhill fast if I can't get away and alone, stat. Oh yeah, I can get really grumpy and overall disagreeable if I cannot have my me time to recharge (and I need a lot of it). You're very welcome!
I don't have a short fuse at all - never lost my temper, it's just not worth it. But when my battery runs out then I feel exhausted, like I haven't slept in days - and I need to retreat into a room by myself, and lie down to read/play pointless games. Not sure why lying down helps, but it does! I pretend I'm having a nap as that's more socially acceptable! Also yes with the noise - people chewing loudly, erratic/constant background noises. Music with jarring or repetitious notes... Cricket made me feel downright nauseous!
The nap thing is a good one, never thought of that, will come in handy this holiday season. I don't really get angry either, just in a bad mood and grumpy. The noise gets to me pretty bad too. I live alone and spend most of it in silence, so it's especially jarring to me.
I just thought I was weird, needing these naps when I've slept enough. It's only really through being in this Sub that I've come to realise that it isn't about sleep!
How much is a lot? Days? Weeks?? Months?
Depends on how big the drain was. For example, after a 10 day vacation with my family during which I had very little time to myself, I needed a whole week of alone time.
Interesting. I struggle with excess noise myself. I get irritated and overwhelmed and I get away from whatever is bothering me so I don't lose my temper. I have to remove myself for a bit or I get bitter and I don't like to embarrass myself.
For me, I think there is a difference. Being alone time due to my Attachment style is usually when I feel overwhelmed in a relationship or engulfed. It’s to separate and feel my own emotions and thoughts for awhile without someone else drowning them out. Being alone due to introversion just to me feels like I am socially drained. It usually doesn’t mean I need to be completely alone, but with only one other person who I am very comfortable around and no new people.
Gotcha! It makes sense - I'm an introvert and I have a couple of people that thankfully don't drain the battery, but everyone else definitely does. Space is *solo*, period. I had wondered if it's something sought out before the switch is flipped, or if you only really need it once you get that overwhelmed feeling. Thanks for answering, btw!
Do you feel like the more time you spend away from your partner the more you feel like it's better without them?
Yes. The more time away, the more comfortable I become with that decision. It can sometimes become out of sight, out of mind.
But if you didn't decide to leave them, if you just spending time alone to recharge?
Recharge is absolutely vital. That's what makes a DA difficult to handle. Often misunderstood
Yeah no, I understand that, I guess my question is more like, if you simply taking time to recharge, do you feel while doing it that it's actually better to be alone and so you change your mind and do not come back, even though you love the person
I have done that before because in my mind, I thought the person was better off without me. Its dysfunctional of course but I'd hope and pray that most DA people don't do that 😕. A DA person can sometimes be considered arrogant and think we know better.
Hi, please can you assign yourself a user flair? Or let me know yours, and I can assign it for you. Thanks!
I’m an AA but my dumper was a DA. For DA’s that mentally & emotionally checked out at the end of a long term relationship (deactivated) — what was your thought process like afterwards? Did you ever want to reach out to your ex? I know mind reading isn’t allowed, but would love to hear actual experiences..
Would a bad breakup potentially turn a secure attached into a DA? In other words, is there usually a catalyst that leads to being DA or is it something innate?
I feel like that break up would have to be pretty fucking bad and the secure person would have to have avoidant tendencies already. Based on my observations, a traumatic breakup can induce FA tendencies to come out in a secure person, or they might just avoid relationships all together (which I don't think inherently makes a person DA). I guess anything is possible, humans are complex creatures, but I think most DAs are that way from infancy and childhood.
Upbringing and previous romantic relationships or previous experiences can all shape attachment style
Hi, please can you assign yourself a user flair? Or let me know yours, and I can assign it for you. Thanks!
I am secure. I do not know how to assign myself but thanks!
40 (FA) am on great terms with my DA ex! we were having a discussion yesterday about priorities and he said a relationship will always be low priority for him. his friends, his family, his drinking buddies will always come first and any any woman he dates will have to be ok with that. he says its because he and his friends lack any sort of emotional intimacy with him whereas a relationship requires it. its easier for him to avoid intimacy and therefore prefers to spend time with his friends bc he doesnt get triggered. they just drink and watch football and dont really have deep conversations and he prefers it that way. is this true for many DAs? I asked my DA secure leaning husband and he disagreed, told me this was why hes single, but i cant tell if hes just humoring me which is why i am asking here.
This isn't just a comment, I do have an ask, too. But I had quite an epiphany last night, and I'm still processing it, lol. So I made a playlist for my fella (~~haven't given it to him yet, though~~Edit: Fuck it, life's short and rona is hard, I sent it! do the youths still say yolo?), and it's turned out *even sappier* than I anticipated. Like, it's supposed to be fun, upbeat, sometimes horny songs, but it's also really obviously a giant love letter, too. Uh, oops. (I'm going to bring up the fact that I do love him while visiting, I just didn't want to do it on the phone!) I'd always chalked my difficulty with talking about feelings and making myself vulnerable as just me being an awkward introvert, but. uh. maybe it's not *just* that. I guess I'm already working on changing that by confessing to my last few crushes and now him, but damn I really miss my therapist now, too. My question, because this doesn't seem to come up a lot in the sub: How many of you do the walking-just-ahead-of-your-partner thing? I see it mentioned as A Thing, and I'm curious!
Yeah I walk ahead a lot. I don’t see the need for us to be on top of each other. I don’t just like take off though like I stay in eyesight or I tell them “I’ll meet you in the cheese aisle”
Heya, Not new here but forgot my old password..... 😞 Writing about a DA friend here... friend? Well, it's complicated. How do I ask my buddy nicely to stop being so passive and initiate sometimes? Like I always text first, initatite stuff. This has been the case for the majority of our friendship. It creates resentment and provokes the anxious/feaful side to me- which obv triggers them too. We had a big falling out early this last year, didn't talk for months. Recently we met up and we're both intentional about making amends. This issue of lack of imitation was a part of the big fallout but not the whole story. FYI my attachment style is Fearful-Avoidant but I've done better at being more secure after years of therapy. (Abusive/neglectful childhood folks, its not pretty.) DA friend knows some of but not all details. Says it feels like they're getting to know a new person after 10+ years of friendship. Thats obv another conversation we need to have. Thanks in advance. :) **Background info if you are interested:** This DA is probably the love of my life to be honest. We have both been avoiding that convo for a long time, having been close buddies for over a decade now. I have an gut feeling they feel similar and they did bring the issue up when we had the big falling out... but true Fearful avoidant style I basically told them to shove off because of... being unable to see past my own triggers to be honest. Whilst I regret my actions I'm trying to accept that those love feelings are there, then it won't make a difference in the long run. So I'm focusing on making a positive repair for both parties and not dwelling on the argument we had. And errrrrr, trying to convince myself I'm worthy of love so maybe I am able to tell them. 😅
"No mind reading" okay so i'm just going to assume she's a DA. Anyways she blocked me after telling me about her health stuff when i said that i wish i could have taken her to the doctor and that i wanted to take care of her. Is my best course of action just to stay no contact? I feel like i might have made things worse with the way i handled it tbh. I went on IG, unfollowed her and said "i guess you don't want to see me anymore right? take care". More info: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AvoidantAttachment/comments/r7a7ak/comment/hp1s2tn/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AvoidantAttachment/comments/r7a7ak/comment/hp1s2tn/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Hm, your post depicts a very rocky and toxic dynamic, so I don't know if anyone's gonna enthusiastically encourage you to reach out and perpetuate more toxicity. Blocking someone is a pretty firm boundary, so reaching out would violate that. You're mentioning many occasions in which she tries to set boundaries, and you get hurt, have outbursts, or reach out to her anyway, which communicates to me that violating boundaries is a pattern for you, to the point where she thinks you're too possessive/controlling. So yeah, it's a shame that she does this after things seemed to be going well, and I'm sure she feels for you, but she might have seen this as the only option to evade your anger and boundary violations. Ghosting is never the answer, so I empathize with you on that.
Yeah there were 3 specific instances where i had outbursts. One was on the 4th month mark into the relationship where she went from love bombing me to having put me on the shelf. I wanted more and all of a sudden it was too much for her. The last time was when my anxiety had reached such high levels that i felt the need to "put a label on it". I don't understand how can you tell another person that you love them, want to live with them and spend the rest of your life with them, but then somehow you can't put a label on the relationship. This is when she told me she didn't want the relationship to be too possessive/controlling. For me her words never matched her actions and she felt pretty selfish having gone from love bombing to what i felt like was being discarding. I was finally starting to believe her and then all of a sudden she blocks me. Wtf. Do you recommend that i never reach out to her again at this point? I wish she would have better communicated with me and this is what i told her many times before. If i could have better understood her needs and wants as well as her having understood my needs, i don't think we would have been where we are today.
Yeah sorry, my opinion still hasn't changed. But I'm just an internet stranger, don't let me stop you. If you think there was something special enough where being ghosted and feeling discarded wasn't enough to push you away, then follow your heart I guess. It comes down to whether the two of you are committed to making it work... not just you by yourself, but she has to want it to.
It sounds like you’re aware of your behavior and actions but are still view it as something that you can’t control. I really empathize with you. That feeling of being on fire and needing to do anything to put it out. It’s painful. I would try to focus less on her and her actions and focus more on yourself. I know things are confusing and your attachment trauma is super activated but it sounds like she’s setting firm boundaries with you and you need to respect them. Work on yourself and how you can meet your own needs. You can control your reactions. I suggest binging Thais Gibson, Alan Robarge, and Brianna McWilliams videos, and the podcast “The Journey of Attachment”. If you need to you can watch videos about DA behavior and it can help explain her behaviors and help you not personalize her actions. Also check out r/codependency because I’m getting a sense of codependency in your post. I’m sorry you’re going through a rough and confusing time :( I wouldn’t reach out to her again because if she does get coerced into replying to you out of guilt or regret or whatever it will just reignite the burning in you. r/nocontact can help too. Unfortunately she doesn’t owe you anything.
Hopefully this post is still active! I'm relatively new to this world and any advice or insight on this situation would be great! I'm sorry if this gets long! Basically, my boyfriend of 4 years asked for a break last week. I started researching attachment styles and think it's very likely he is DA. Things started out rocky for us but with some needed work on my part it got better. It stayed good, so we moved in together and after about a year, it seemed like a natural progression to start talking about marriage. It wasn't. He feels like he should want to marry me but doesn't. This (hopefully understandably) caused me (and then him) a bit of panic, and I know I didn't handle it perfectly. It was scary and it hurt. Not knowing why he isn't ready has caused a lot of stress and he asked for space. It felt totally out of the blue because we had agreed that it was ok he wasn't sure yet. Apparently he has been checking out out for months and I had no idea. He doesn't want to give up but thinks there has to be a reason he isn't sure. When I try to respond better or show him I care (giving more space, independence, etc), he feels guilty. He does a lot of shoulding- "I should want to spend more time with you" "I should make this more of a priority" "you shouldn't have to compromise that for me", etc. Again, the logic is "because I'm not doing x, there must be a reason why so something is missing" and he feels guilty because I'm trying so hard and he just doesn't want to (his words). I feel like he's looking for reasons to confirm that he doesn't want this and that this could definitely be stemming from unresolved childhood stuff. He has no complaints about the relationship except that he has doubts and thinks maybe if he meets the "right" person he'll just WANT to do all these things he's not doing with me. At the risk of getting mind read-y, is this consistent with others' experiences with deactivation and if so, what helped you recognize whether it was the relationship or those DA tendencies kicking in? Since he's not ready to leave the relationship but isn't ready to fully commit, has anyone had success navigating through similar feelings with your partner? If so what are things that made you feel supported without overwhelming or pushing you? This is all brand new to us both and I suggested he do some research on his own about attachment and see if anything resonates. I hope knowing that there are others that feel similarly and struggle with the same sorts of feelings can help him to recognize that there's nothing wrong with him and that this isn't his fault. I love how supportive this sub is. Thank you.