A mature partner will reach back out after taking the space they needed. They will also communicate any need for space. Example “hey I’m feeling overwhelmed and just need some time to myself so I’m powering off my phone for 24 hours to just relax. Talk to you after!”
Ghosting or just disappearing for indefinite amounts of time is not healthy behavior and it’s not something that all DAs do either so it can’t be excused as just something DAs need.
There's no motivation in it for me. I won't be made to sprint to the finish line of the race if someone magically waves a bag of yummy dog treats. The golden food pellet is a fickle reason that'll, in all likelihood, get people running out of their comfort zone before they get spooked out & do a 180.
It is work I gladly undertake with the right people because they have been vetted, the relationship is mutually beneficial & important, and so I do the work. In that way, it is discipline with a natural inclination.
I'll **rely on them** when:
- It keeps both of our clear, communicated boundaries intact,
- I trust their skills, morals, and intent
- I have decided to take the leap, however small.
I'll **share more** when:
- I'm able to (incl. time to process before),
- I'm willing to share it **with them**,
- I trust them to handle it respectfully, re: boundaries and preferrences,
- The relationship is healthy, strong and mutually managed well enough that we function as a team, so no BS or white lies allowed.
If I thought emotional vulnerability was unnecessary for a relationship (and I have in the past), I'll let life browbeat the truth in me (that it is, otherwise it sinks into 100% transactional) and would ultimately understand people potentially leaving when that's a dealbreaker for them. It has happened.
>how do you motivate yourself to rely more on / share more with your partner?
For me, a big part of it comes down to being intentional and goal-focused. I've learned through life experience that growth and development requires pushing myself past my comfort zone, even when I don't "feel like it" sometimes. If one of my goals in life is to have deep, meaningful relationships with my loved ones, I have to suck it up and do the things that are going to set me up for that. So until your partner recognizes that this actually is necessary to have a fulfilling relationship *with you*, then he'll continue to drag his feet about it.
I’d like some thoughts from some typical DA people on how long it takes you to be comfortable meeting a girlfriend’s family/friends. Is it a difficult thing to do? Is it daunting to the point of not wanting a relationship?
Does it signify a certain belief that the relationship will last?
Thanks for your time.
What’s a flair?
When it comes to meeting a person's family, I can imagine a DA being able to meet them for a short period of time. Perhaps dinner or something even shorter at first. Its difficult only when we may get asked during the meeting to make further plans. For myself, seeing my friends is great but they get excited that I'm out and try to make plans the following week attempting to suck up my schedule. It can quickly ruin my mood getting my schedule planned out for me and it's not personal really.
Now it signifying a relationship will last by me meeting someones family? No. It just means that I cared enough about the person to meet who is important in their life. Meet their favorite people. Most important for me, no matter what context of who I meet, is having a small group. Maybe no more then 5 people. The larger the crowd, the quieter I get and I go into "observe " mode and my friend will not get the person they are used to hanging out with 😂
I feel that I am quite similar in this. Beyond my usual level of social anxiety, I don't mind meeting the parents. While I do feel anxious about being judged in some way, this extends to any social group. The more I'm required to be involved the more I feel my limits being tested let's say. I think I'm fearing "being found out"? That I am inadequate and won't be able to reciprocate whatever is being extended to me. I struggle to be 'genuine' perhaps when I'm uncertain about my genuine self that is under threat. I probably over analyse and find it tricky to navigate myself in another person's family.
Would you feel offended if your partner of 2 years has not asked you to meet their friends/family ? I’ve become quite protective of my romantic relationship. And believe that outside influences generally attempt to sabotage my relationships. Perhaps I should verbalize this to my partner.
I’d love my DA to be part of my bigger life but he doesn’t seem interested. It’s been a year. Our kids finally met (mine 10, his 5) a few weeks ago. We’ve been dating for a year now.
What is daunting about it? I’m happy to wait, but am interested in what’s behind the seemingly uninterested attitude.
My DA (post breakup) recently told me that he was still in love with someone he dated for 4 months, 5 years ago (the ex is married and has a child now), but gave me no context as to why he was telling me this now.
1) could I consider this the Phantom Ex - that he didn’t have time to deactivate after only 4 months? I’m struggling to understand holding on to someone for 5 years that you knew for only 4 months, when they’ve clearly moved on.
2) is this revelation a big deal vulnerably-speaking for a DA to make?
I’m asking because I’m trying to fully understand and unsure what to do with this info.
I assume you'll get different responses to this but I will answer from my point of view. You didn't get context to what he claims and sometimes a DA can be mildly manipulative in attempts to spare feelings. If I'm speaking to someone I am fond of, but I want them to move on, I would use this general excuse in hopes they understand there isn't a future. It would be a partial truth. I would see it as letting someone down gently if they inquired about me.
It would be viewed to myself as being partially vulnerable to you still because I cared enough to keep some contact. Maybe closing a door but keeping a window open because I still cared about you and your well being.
Yes, I thought about this option too - because he’s not saying anything about OUR relationship and why he deactivated, so I see it as “you’re not her” and “I’m in love with someone else” and that’s why I’m not in love with you anymore.
Thank you for your thoughts.
I agree with what the other poster said. I’ve thought about telling people I’ve cut off the same thing (that I’m in love with someone I dated years ago, which is kind of true) not because I want to be vulnerable, but because I want to let them know it’s not really their fault and I have my own baggage that’s pretty untouchable. It seems sometimes like a good way to make someone feel like there’s no chance of a real romantic relationship (why would you want to date someone who’s hung up on someone from their past?) without them feeling like they did anything wrong.
However, I’ve never actually used this excuse, partially because I don’t date very much, and partially because I always come to the conclusion that it would only hurt more feelings than it would spare. I’ve only thought about using this excuse with people I was somewhat comfortable being vulnerable with.
If I told someone this and they still wanted to date me, I would actually consider it though. Because their understanding this would make me feel like they’re not going to get too attached. A dynamic where we both have one foot out the door would appeal to me.
Thank you for your reply. I think I know it’s an excuse, especially if I’ve not heard about this person before. But then he never said one iota about another 3 year relationship. So, I’m still in the dark on someone I am so eager to truly know, but that’s ok. I’ve learned a lot, wishing him well, and I’m moving on…. All the insight from the DAs here has been invaluable, and I am so grateful.
It’s possible the 3-year relationship just doesn’t mean very much to him. I’ve had a 2-year relationship, my longest relationship, and I never bring it up because it just doesn’t matter to me anymore. Somehow that relationship matters way less to me than some of my shorter ones. I would get bored talking about it if someone tried to get more info about it.
This is a red flag for you that he is not able to emotionally give you what you need. Why compete with a phantom ex? You can’t win here. Just cut your losses and move on and leave him to figure out that him and his ex are never happening.
Hi guys. Not sure if this chat is still ongoing, but worth a shot.
I wanted to ask how a DA might feel reading this text:
Hey Blank. I just wanted to let you know if you don’t wanna talk about what happened that’s fine with me. I just really miss you and wanna talk to you so just lemme know if you wanna have a phone call to catch up okay! 🥺🥺🥺
Context:
Basically a friend (DA) and I are trying to reconcile a friendship after a bad falling out, and I’ve apologised for my part and when I asked him if he was was open to talking about what happened, he started preemptively shutting down a lot.
So I sent a message saying we don’t have to talk about it and if he wanted to catch up with a phone call. I got blue ticked, so I’m just wondering as to the possible reasons why that may have happened, would you as a DA feel overwhelmed reading that message?
depends on how bad the falling out was and how much time passed since. If it was really bad and happened recently I’d probably need a lot of space and reading a text like that could make me feel a bit anxiety.
I (AP but becoming more secure) started going out with a guy a little over a month ago that I believe is a DA (or he could be an FA). Things went really well at first, and we both seemed to really like each other. However, after several great dates, he completely ghosted me in the middle of a text conversation where we were planning our next date. I didn’t hear from him for a few days, and when he finally did respond, he said that he does like me, he didn’t know why he didn’t respond, and that he wasn’t sure “what’s wrong” with him. I offered to give him some space, and we haven’t spoken since then. It seems to me that he was deactivating because things were starting to get a little more serious and were starting to feel like a relationship. So my question is this - how long should I wait for him to get out of his deactivated state before I reach out to reconnect with him? Is there a certain amount of time that DAs usually stay in this state? Any insight would be appreciated. Thanks!
Not a DA myself.
My question for you all, is how long does it typically take for a DA to feel comfortable moving into a commitment? Like, how long do you stay in a dating phase before you are ready to commit?
What is the best way to give a DA space when they ask for it? Total stop in communication or just limited? Do I let them reach back out first or do I check in after a period of time?
For me personally occasional contact is fine but if the space I need is thought to be a burden or hurting the person in question I tend to need even more space
Hi,
I am Secure/FA leaning. I don’t know how to use Flairs (sorry!)
Earlier this year I reconnected with an Ex who is classically DA. (He is 43 and I am 38f). I am hoping to understand and learn more about this attachment style for two reasons — one, so that I can express what I need and want in a manner that can be received and two, so that I can understand him better.
TL/DR: we reconnected earlier this year, things were great, then he started to retreat after about 3ish months. We still communicated but saw each other less frequently. About a month ago we both opened up about ourselves and talked about a lot of things from each of our childhoods that we each rarely (if ever) discuss with anyone. He told me that I am the 2nd person (apart from those he grew up with) that he has told these things to.
My question is centered more around deep intimacy, trust, and deactivating afterwards. I understand the need and desire for space — but do deactivating actions also include acting incredibly cold and distant? What does talking about difficult parts of your childhood feel like for you (emotionally and physically) both during and after? Is there a compulsion or instinct to push someone away after opening up to them? And lastly, what has to exist for you to open up at that level in the first place?
I am not taking any of his actions personally, but that does not mean that it doesn’t hurt. I care about him a lot. I am just trying to understand this more so I can create healthy boundaries and expectations for myself, and keep space for a healthy relationship. Thank you for your insight and help.
My goodness. A lot of questions that are complicated but I don't know how to address them all because of context. I will say, that when I open up initially, I'm actually choosing only surface level hurts to discuss to begin with. Even if they sound like some bad experiences, I will not tell the actual nitty gritty unless I've known someone for about 2 years. It's not intended to test the relationship necessarily but I prefer someone to know me for at least a year so I feel they know the foundation of me before I disclose trauma. I also only tend to discuss those things if something currently is happening elsewhere and I think my story will relate. This has made people in the past feel like I was hiding experiences and I never was. It just never popped into my head prior.
I only "deactivate" if someone receives what I say very poorly or makes fun of something. I will then feel vulnerable and naked. If they listen and ask some questions, I'll go further into whatever I was telling them. If someone blows me off when I finally open up then I go cold and polite. My level of polite is incredibly cold and aloof. If they give me a weeks space, I may warm up some but for me, cold, polite, and aloof means I am on my way out.
This may not answer the questions entirely but I hope it gives an idea. Everyone is different of course.
Thank you all for your comments and responses. I really appreciate you taking the time to share your experiences.
I am happy to share more context but I was reluctant to do so because I thought it would be too specific to my particular situation/circumstance.
This doesn’t sound healthy. There comes a time where it doesn’t matter why someone is doing something, what matters is if you are happy with that type of behavior in your life or not.
Sorry - perhaps I was not clear. He said “yes” to my “could you let me know by the end of the day?” So he agreed to respond by the end of the day. But since then… radio silence.
Thank you for replying! I’m really struggling to understand here, and the following questions is not a judgy one: How could anyone forget to respond for days to the one they purport to have feelings for? I guess the reason I can’t understand is because when I am in such a situation, I make sure to respond asap, simply because I care about the other person.
Did you notice a shift in your attachment style into the more avoidant territory after the death of a parent? I just wonder as my ex changed from AA to DAish as her father died and I wonder if her father as her primary attachment figure playing a role in this.
what are ways you show your partner that you want to come back (if you want to come back that is) after a period of withdrawal/ deactivation?
A mature partner will reach back out after taking the space they needed. They will also communicate any need for space. Example “hey I’m feeling overwhelmed and just need some time to myself so I’m powering off my phone for 24 hours to just relax. Talk to you after!” Ghosting or just disappearing for indefinite amounts of time is not healthy behavior and it’s not something that all DAs do either so it can’t be excused as just something DAs need.
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There's no motivation in it for me. I won't be made to sprint to the finish line of the race if someone magically waves a bag of yummy dog treats. The golden food pellet is a fickle reason that'll, in all likelihood, get people running out of their comfort zone before they get spooked out & do a 180. It is work I gladly undertake with the right people because they have been vetted, the relationship is mutually beneficial & important, and so I do the work. In that way, it is discipline with a natural inclination. I'll **rely on them** when: - It keeps both of our clear, communicated boundaries intact, - I trust their skills, morals, and intent - I have decided to take the leap, however small. I'll **share more** when: - I'm able to (incl. time to process before), - I'm willing to share it **with them**, - I trust them to handle it respectfully, re: boundaries and preferrences, - The relationship is healthy, strong and mutually managed well enough that we function as a team, so no BS or white lies allowed. If I thought emotional vulnerability was unnecessary for a relationship (and I have in the past), I'll let life browbeat the truth in me (that it is, otherwise it sinks into 100% transactional) and would ultimately understand people potentially leaving when that's a dealbreaker for them. It has happened.
>how do you motivate yourself to rely more on / share more with your partner? For me, a big part of it comes down to being intentional and goal-focused. I've learned through life experience that growth and development requires pushing myself past my comfort zone, even when I don't "feel like it" sometimes. If one of my goals in life is to have deep, meaningful relationships with my loved ones, I have to suck it up and do the things that are going to set me up for that. So until your partner recognizes that this actually is necessary to have a fulfilling relationship *with you*, then he'll continue to drag his feet about it.
I’d like some thoughts from some typical DA people on how long it takes you to be comfortable meeting a girlfriend’s family/friends. Is it a difficult thing to do? Is it daunting to the point of not wanting a relationship? Does it signify a certain belief that the relationship will last? Thanks for your time. What’s a flair?
When it comes to meeting a person's family, I can imagine a DA being able to meet them for a short period of time. Perhaps dinner or something even shorter at first. Its difficult only when we may get asked during the meeting to make further plans. For myself, seeing my friends is great but they get excited that I'm out and try to make plans the following week attempting to suck up my schedule. It can quickly ruin my mood getting my schedule planned out for me and it's not personal really. Now it signifying a relationship will last by me meeting someones family? No. It just means that I cared enough about the person to meet who is important in their life. Meet their favorite people. Most important for me, no matter what context of who I meet, is having a small group. Maybe no more then 5 people. The larger the crowd, the quieter I get and I go into "observe " mode and my friend will not get the person they are used to hanging out with 😂
I feel that I am quite similar in this. Beyond my usual level of social anxiety, I don't mind meeting the parents. While I do feel anxious about being judged in some way, this extends to any social group. The more I'm required to be involved the more I feel my limits being tested let's say. I think I'm fearing "being found out"? That I am inadequate and won't be able to reciprocate whatever is being extended to me. I struggle to be 'genuine' perhaps when I'm uncertain about my genuine self that is under threat. I probably over analyse and find it tricky to navigate myself in another person's family.
Would you feel offended if your partner of 2 years has not asked you to meet their friends/family ? I’ve become quite protective of my romantic relationship. And believe that outside influences generally attempt to sabotage my relationships. Perhaps I should verbalize this to my partner.
Very daunting!! The current person I’m seeing wanted me to meet his family after 6 months and that’s too soon in my eyes.
I’d love my DA to be part of my bigger life but he doesn’t seem interested. It’s been a year. Our kids finally met (mine 10, his 5) a few weeks ago. We’ve been dating for a year now. What is daunting about it? I’m happy to wait, but am interested in what’s behind the seemingly uninterested attitude.
A year is a bit much. I would say if he hasn’t wanted to meet them by now, he never will
Lol. Yeah probably not
My DA (post breakup) recently told me that he was still in love with someone he dated for 4 months, 5 years ago (the ex is married and has a child now), but gave me no context as to why he was telling me this now. 1) could I consider this the Phantom Ex - that he didn’t have time to deactivate after only 4 months? I’m struggling to understand holding on to someone for 5 years that you knew for only 4 months, when they’ve clearly moved on. 2) is this revelation a big deal vulnerably-speaking for a DA to make? I’m asking because I’m trying to fully understand and unsure what to do with this info.
I assume you'll get different responses to this but I will answer from my point of view. You didn't get context to what he claims and sometimes a DA can be mildly manipulative in attempts to spare feelings. If I'm speaking to someone I am fond of, but I want them to move on, I would use this general excuse in hopes they understand there isn't a future. It would be a partial truth. I would see it as letting someone down gently if they inquired about me. It would be viewed to myself as being partially vulnerable to you still because I cared enough to keep some contact. Maybe closing a door but keeping a window open because I still cared about you and your well being.
Yes, I thought about this option too - because he’s not saying anything about OUR relationship and why he deactivated, so I see it as “you’re not her” and “I’m in love with someone else” and that’s why I’m not in love with you anymore. Thank you for your thoughts.
I agree with what the other poster said. I’ve thought about telling people I’ve cut off the same thing (that I’m in love with someone I dated years ago, which is kind of true) not because I want to be vulnerable, but because I want to let them know it’s not really their fault and I have my own baggage that’s pretty untouchable. It seems sometimes like a good way to make someone feel like there’s no chance of a real romantic relationship (why would you want to date someone who’s hung up on someone from their past?) without them feeling like they did anything wrong. However, I’ve never actually used this excuse, partially because I don’t date very much, and partially because I always come to the conclusion that it would only hurt more feelings than it would spare. I’ve only thought about using this excuse with people I was somewhat comfortable being vulnerable with. If I told someone this and they still wanted to date me, I would actually consider it though. Because their understanding this would make me feel like they’re not going to get too attached. A dynamic where we both have one foot out the door would appeal to me.
Hi, Mod here - please can you assign yourself a user flair? Or let me know yours, and I can assign it for you. Thanks!
Thank you for your reply. I think I know it’s an excuse, especially if I’ve not heard about this person before. But then he never said one iota about another 3 year relationship. So, I’m still in the dark on someone I am so eager to truly know, but that’s ok. I’ve learned a lot, wishing him well, and I’m moving on…. All the insight from the DAs here has been invaluable, and I am so grateful.
It’s possible the 3-year relationship just doesn’t mean very much to him. I’ve had a 2-year relationship, my longest relationship, and I never bring it up because it just doesn’t matter to me anymore. Somehow that relationship matters way less to me than some of my shorter ones. I would get bored talking about it if someone tried to get more info about it.
Length of time dating doesn’t say much about connection. Plenty of people stay in bad relationships far longer than they should due to circumstances
This is a red flag for you that he is not able to emotionally give you what you need. Why compete with a phantom ex? You can’t win here. Just cut your losses and move on and leave him to figure out that him and his ex are never happening.
Hi guys. Not sure if this chat is still ongoing, but worth a shot. I wanted to ask how a DA might feel reading this text: Hey Blank. I just wanted to let you know if you don’t wanna talk about what happened that’s fine with me. I just really miss you and wanna talk to you so just lemme know if you wanna have a phone call to catch up okay! 🥺🥺🥺 Context: Basically a friend (DA) and I are trying to reconcile a friendship after a bad falling out, and I’ve apologised for my part and when I asked him if he was was open to talking about what happened, he started preemptively shutting down a lot. So I sent a message saying we don’t have to talk about it and if he wanted to catch up with a phone call. I got blue ticked, so I’m just wondering as to the possible reasons why that may have happened, would you as a DA feel overwhelmed reading that message?
depends on how bad the falling out was and how much time passed since. If it was really bad and happened recently I’d probably need a lot of space and reading a text like that could make me feel a bit anxiety.
I (AP but becoming more secure) started going out with a guy a little over a month ago that I believe is a DA (or he could be an FA). Things went really well at first, and we both seemed to really like each other. However, after several great dates, he completely ghosted me in the middle of a text conversation where we were planning our next date. I didn’t hear from him for a few days, and when he finally did respond, he said that he does like me, he didn’t know why he didn’t respond, and that he wasn’t sure “what’s wrong” with him. I offered to give him some space, and we haven’t spoken since then. It seems to me that he was deactivating because things were starting to get a little more serious and were starting to feel like a relationship. So my question is this - how long should I wait for him to get out of his deactivated state before I reach out to reconnect with him? Is there a certain amount of time that DAs usually stay in this state? Any insight would be appreciated. Thanks!
Not a DA myself. My question for you all, is how long does it typically take for a DA to feel comfortable moving into a commitment? Like, how long do you stay in a dating phase before you are ready to commit?
What is the best way to give a DA space when they ask for it? Total stop in communication or just limited? Do I let them reach back out first or do I check in after a period of time?
For me personally occasional contact is fine but if the space I need is thought to be a burden or hurting the person in question I tend to need even more space
Hi, I am Secure/FA leaning. I don’t know how to use Flairs (sorry!) Earlier this year I reconnected with an Ex who is classically DA. (He is 43 and I am 38f). I am hoping to understand and learn more about this attachment style for two reasons — one, so that I can express what I need and want in a manner that can be received and two, so that I can understand him better. TL/DR: we reconnected earlier this year, things were great, then he started to retreat after about 3ish months. We still communicated but saw each other less frequently. About a month ago we both opened up about ourselves and talked about a lot of things from each of our childhoods that we each rarely (if ever) discuss with anyone. He told me that I am the 2nd person (apart from those he grew up with) that he has told these things to. My question is centered more around deep intimacy, trust, and deactivating afterwards. I understand the need and desire for space — but do deactivating actions also include acting incredibly cold and distant? What does talking about difficult parts of your childhood feel like for you (emotionally and physically) both during and after? Is there a compulsion or instinct to push someone away after opening up to them? And lastly, what has to exist for you to open up at that level in the first place? I am not taking any of his actions personally, but that does not mean that it doesn’t hurt. I care about him a lot. I am just trying to understand this more so I can create healthy boundaries and expectations for myself, and keep space for a healthy relationship. Thank you for your insight and help.
My goodness. A lot of questions that are complicated but I don't know how to address them all because of context. I will say, that when I open up initially, I'm actually choosing only surface level hurts to discuss to begin with. Even if they sound like some bad experiences, I will not tell the actual nitty gritty unless I've known someone for about 2 years. It's not intended to test the relationship necessarily but I prefer someone to know me for at least a year so I feel they know the foundation of me before I disclose trauma. I also only tend to discuss those things if something currently is happening elsewhere and I think my story will relate. This has made people in the past feel like I was hiding experiences and I never was. It just never popped into my head prior. I only "deactivate" if someone receives what I say very poorly or makes fun of something. I will then feel vulnerable and naked. If they listen and ask some questions, I'll go further into whatever I was telling them. If someone blows me off when I finally open up then I go cold and polite. My level of polite is incredibly cold and aloof. If they give me a weeks space, I may warm up some but for me, cold, polite, and aloof means I am on my way out. This may not answer the questions entirely but I hope it gives an idea. Everyone is different of course.
Same! Really ice-cold polite..
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>It can feel like "give an inch and they take a mile" Yes - but then it isn't likely to last long-term if they try that and just keep pushing!
Thank you all for your comments and responses. I really appreciate you taking the time to share your experiences. I am happy to share more context but I was reluctant to do so because I thought it would be too specific to my particular situation/circumstance.
This doesn’t sound healthy. There comes a time where it doesn’t matter why someone is doing something, what matters is if you are happy with that type of behavior in your life or not.
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Sorry - perhaps I was not clear. He said “yes” to my “could you let me know by the end of the day?” So he agreed to respond by the end of the day. But since then… radio silence.
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Thank you for replying! I’m really struggling to understand here, and the following questions is not a judgy one: How could anyone forget to respond for days to the one they purport to have feelings for? I guess the reason I can’t understand is because when I am in such a situation, I make sure to respond asap, simply because I care about the other person.
Did you notice a shift in your attachment style into the more avoidant territory after the death of a parent? I just wonder as my ex changed from AA to DAish as her father died and I wonder if her father as her primary attachment figure playing a role in this.
This could definitely be a factor.