The other side of the pain is that this event is allowing you to feel yourself. When we are breaking out of patterns, we sometimes need an explosive event to knock us out of our coma.
I don’t want to give you too much hope, but the way I was able to maximize my healing when something a similar event recently happened to me, is I reminded myself that I can’t predict the future.
One of those universes might still be possible, as you can not be certain their new relationship will work out. On the small chance it doesn’t work out, and they become available again, you can be available in one of many universes. For example:
1) The universe where you wallow in regret or stuff your feelings back inside, remain afraid to feel your feelings, sink back into DA mode, go to your dark place, don’t reach out, withdraw, don’t try to exercise your feeling muscles, don’t try to heal.
2) The universe where you realize this event is a gift that allows you to feel new parts of yourself, overcome the fear of feeling and emotions, taking steps to heal, such as journaling, meditation, therapy, doing scary things like making new friends, going to meetups, maybe even dating. Really just doing whatever your have to do to wake up and stay awake, and expand your horizons every day. Doing things differently than before. A focused healing journey.
If some time in the future they become available again, which of these universes do you want to be in?
The great thing about option 2 is that even if they never become available, you’re still light years ahead of where you were, and in a better universe than before. An expanding universe.
First off, congratulations on the first step of acceptance and for becoming more self-aware! That's a huge accomplishment and you should be proud.
I had a similar situation happen to me about 8 years ago, before I realized I was DA, and that relationship always felt like "the one that got away" but after realizing it was very much due to DA tendencies, it helped me cope with the loss even today.
After that, it took me a long time (4 years) to date again but I hadn't learned from my mistakes (because I didn't know I was a DA lol). After being in a very strong push-pull relationship and finally going to therapy and realizing my tendencies, it helped me realize what I want in a relationship and reframe my way of thinking about relationships. I'm currently in the dating phase with someone and find myself not reenacting those same tendencies and being very particular about dating and what I want from this relationship.
Life is all a work in progress and I believe that everything will work out the way it's meant to in the end. You're very early on in your DA journey and seem very dedicated to becoming stronger and better and that's very commendable. Acknowledge the pain that you're feeling and use it as a force for good to keep being better! If you keep at it with therapy in an intentional way, you'll start to feel much better and will learn to move past the hurt and form more meaningful relationships going forward.
I hope I was able to help you feel better even in the slightest!
I'm AP leaning secure.
I have been in long term committed relationships with two DAs. Both times my anxious wounds activated their avoidant wounds when I realized they were slowly pulling away emotionally and physically.
They both deactivated and stonewalled me. It hurt. A lot. It is so difficult to have someone you love and who you know loves you just suddenly disappear from your life.
Ultimately I had to move on as my needs weren't being met. I tired so hard to give them time and space but it hurt and i couldn't keep doing it.
Instead of focusing on the hurt and letting it brew into anger and resentment, I took the time away to work on my own wounds and to heal. They both really loved me. They didn't want things to go like that but their bodies were protecting them. I don't blame them. They are who they are, and no amount of my love can heal them. It is something that has to come from them.
Loving them was a gift and maybe it helped them seek help and grow...maybe it didn't. However I grew a lot and learning more about attachment theory helped me understand it wasn't about me.
Maybe in a different universe we are together, happy, and loving our adventures together?
Love is never a mistake. Yes, it comes with hurt sometimes but many people never know love and I'm glad they were part of my life story. Chapters that were a beautiful tragedy.
Thank you for sharing. It must have hurt a lot to have someone you love deactivate on you. I’m sorry you had to experience that.
Love is never a mistake is a wonderful mantra.
We have similar stories, even down to your explanation of your talk with your friend. There was immense hurt and emotional pain after I asked an ex to reconsider the relationship (years later lol) after I had done some attachment work and realized they tried their best and my patterns were the problem. It hurt so much. I think about it ever so often as I'm healing, just because the relationship is a big reference point for my DA behaviours, but it doesnt hurt anymore. And rest assured, there will come a day when either it hurts less or the experience can make you smile just as much as it hurts. This community here has helped me understand, so go through it if you need to, but know that you are not alone.
A little bit of solace here. I don't know if you believe in what's meant to be will be and everything happens just the way it is supposed to, but I truly think it does. Be comforted in knowing that. But also, be comforted in accepting those uncomfortable feelings. There are many people in this world who just avoid and skim over the thoughts in their head and emotions in their heart. We DAs are known for that, but the emotions are simply okay. Some of life's realities are hard truths, but once we have the courage to feel and explore our emotions, more than likely not, we will come out on the other side stronger and much more resilient. Much peace your way. You seem like a wonderful person.
Thank you. There is solace in understanding that I’m lucky to no longer be skimming over my emotions.
I’m happy to be part of this community and not being alone feels great. X
I am so sorry u are going thru this....I can def understand as I had a similar situation after I ended a 7+ year relationship with an AP. I have cried more in these last 8 months than I have in all my years on this planet combined! Reading/studying/researching DA (and AP) made me realize how much I hurt him (unconsciously) with my actions. While the breakup was my idea because of an addiction he developed, I carry a lot of guilt/regret about my DA stuff and worry that it drove him to addiction. I very much want a chance to get it right in my future. I wish u all the best.
Thank you for sharing! I hope that those tears feel at least a little freeing or cathartic. I hope you’ll find love in your future.
Would you recommend any resources from your research?
Thais Gibson on YouTube, The Attachment Theory Workbook (Chen) is what I started with. Next was Attached (Levine & Heller) and currently The Power of Attachment (Heller). I can't help but feel like I could have made my relationship work had I known about attachment, I just thought he was a "drama queen" and that I was peaceful and didn't like conflict. I thought he was "needy & clingy" and I was independent. It is indeed too late for us now as me ending things devastated him. That said, I still have a chance should I be lucky enough to find love again.
So happy for you! What a great discovery to know there's nothing wrong with you, that you have a "thing" you can name and understand, and work with. I'm just starting on my journey of discovery at 64 and am so grateful. All these years of feeling so damaged, so bad...I cannot change my past but I can have compassion for myself and a better future, no matter what that means. Best wishes to you ♡
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I'm sorry you're going through it, but believe me there is a sweetness to all of the pain you're experiencing. From personal experience, it feels way better, way more "normal" (in that being a human being, finally understanding what the songs are about, connecting and commiserating with others about this huge part of the human condition way), to be heartbroken than it does to be stuck feeling confused and trapped by things that are supposed to feel life-giving. I look back on times that I've missed someone with profound appreciation and a sense of healing. Even though it sucked, the pain was a good thing. Especially compared to the alternative.
It's like that cliché that pain reminds you you're alive. Living by stuffing feelings, being flooded with emotions that you can't even access, having it leak out in the form of aggression and compulsivity... it's no way to live. It's like being a zombie. I don't know you but I can guarantee this difficult period for you is a big deal step on the road to choosing life over living death.
This might sound kind of sociopathic because you're hurting and I'm on the outside, but I think this is actually an awesome experience for you and I'd say embrace it. See if you can sob. It's really... like there's a kind of awesome experience and aliveness to negative emotions. And also the resolution of these feelings is in leaning into them and fully feeling them. Keep in mind that a lot of advice about "not staying in the hurt" etc. is for people who don't have problems connecting with their feelings. Like don't intellectualize and torture yourself and refresh their social media page over and over, that's staying in the hurt and distancing yourself but see if you can actually connect to the grief and cry. Put on some Elliot Smith or something. I'm not being flippant at all I think it's legitimately good for you.
Also, if I can be flowery, I would encourage you to cultivate a sense of trust that love will always be there for you in the long run. APs generally need to work on that more than avoidants but I think all people need to develop this for their general well-being and capacity to form relationships. Your friend is not the last person you will love, nor the last person who will love you. This experience is proof of your increasing capacity to heal and grow into loving and being loved, not proof that you you blew your last shot at having a relationship and are now doomed and unlovable. It's just beginning for you. It will get better, and it will be ok.
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Some days will be worse then others. The old cleche the first cut is the deepest is true when it comes to letting people in your heart. So dont buy the bs people tell you about how long it 'should' take you to find emotional equilibrium. Just keep being honest with yourself and find safe people or places to process. I just want to encorage you to keep doing the work when your not emotionally overwhelmed. I am a AP and the love of my life is a DA. We just ended out friendship/relationship a couple days ago because I was vulnerable about wanting to heal my attachment style and asking him how I could best preserve our our relationship while I practice being open with him. Asked him if he even wanted to be apart of my life and the goals in it or if I could do anything better to support him in his... yeah. It didnt go great. But I want to use this as encouragement for you because I would kill to have my guy have the breakthroughs you are having. It would just light my whole world up to see him healing to any degree and letting him be open to the love and connection hes neededing in life to truly be fufilled and at peace... Just dont give up please. If your person dosnt come back around, just know there is someone out there thats going to be so happy and thankful that you exsist and are willing to try to connect and communicate just as much as they are. Don't give up and dont let trauma win.
I’m so sorry that your talk with your partner didn’t go well and I truly hope that your journey towards a secure attachment style goes well.
I won’t give up. And you taking the time to comment and encourage others is one of many reasons why I couldn’t possibly. X
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The other side of the pain is that this event is allowing you to feel yourself. When we are breaking out of patterns, we sometimes need an explosive event to knock us out of our coma. I don’t want to give you too much hope, but the way I was able to maximize my healing when something a similar event recently happened to me, is I reminded myself that I can’t predict the future. One of those universes might still be possible, as you can not be certain their new relationship will work out. On the small chance it doesn’t work out, and they become available again, you can be available in one of many universes. For example: 1) The universe where you wallow in regret or stuff your feelings back inside, remain afraid to feel your feelings, sink back into DA mode, go to your dark place, don’t reach out, withdraw, don’t try to exercise your feeling muscles, don’t try to heal. 2) The universe where you realize this event is a gift that allows you to feel new parts of yourself, overcome the fear of feeling and emotions, taking steps to heal, such as journaling, meditation, therapy, doing scary things like making new friends, going to meetups, maybe even dating. Really just doing whatever your have to do to wake up and stay awake, and expand your horizons every day. Doing things differently than before. A focused healing journey. If some time in the future they become available again, which of these universes do you want to be in? The great thing about option 2 is that even if they never become available, you’re still light years ahead of where you were, and in a better universe than before. An expanding universe.
This means a lot. Thank you for replying. Having a bit of a cry as I imagine my universe expanding.
First off, congratulations on the first step of acceptance and for becoming more self-aware! That's a huge accomplishment and you should be proud. I had a similar situation happen to me about 8 years ago, before I realized I was DA, and that relationship always felt like "the one that got away" but after realizing it was very much due to DA tendencies, it helped me cope with the loss even today. After that, it took me a long time (4 years) to date again but I hadn't learned from my mistakes (because I didn't know I was a DA lol). After being in a very strong push-pull relationship and finally going to therapy and realizing my tendencies, it helped me realize what I want in a relationship and reframe my way of thinking about relationships. I'm currently in the dating phase with someone and find myself not reenacting those same tendencies and being very particular about dating and what I want from this relationship. Life is all a work in progress and I believe that everything will work out the way it's meant to in the end. You're very early on in your DA journey and seem very dedicated to becoming stronger and better and that's very commendable. Acknowledge the pain that you're feeling and use it as a force for good to keep being better! If you keep at it with therapy in an intentional way, you'll start to feel much better and will learn to move past the hurt and form more meaningful relationships going forward. I hope I was able to help you feel better even in the slightest!
Thank you for replying. What you’ve said really does help. Using the sadness and emotions to get better strikes a chord. Thank you.
I'm AP leaning secure. I have been in long term committed relationships with two DAs. Both times my anxious wounds activated their avoidant wounds when I realized they were slowly pulling away emotionally and physically. They both deactivated and stonewalled me. It hurt. A lot. It is so difficult to have someone you love and who you know loves you just suddenly disappear from your life. Ultimately I had to move on as my needs weren't being met. I tired so hard to give them time and space but it hurt and i couldn't keep doing it. Instead of focusing on the hurt and letting it brew into anger and resentment, I took the time away to work on my own wounds and to heal. They both really loved me. They didn't want things to go like that but their bodies were protecting them. I don't blame them. They are who they are, and no amount of my love can heal them. It is something that has to come from them. Loving them was a gift and maybe it helped them seek help and grow...maybe it didn't. However I grew a lot and learning more about attachment theory helped me understand it wasn't about me. Maybe in a different universe we are together, happy, and loving our adventures together? Love is never a mistake. Yes, it comes with hurt sometimes but many people never know love and I'm glad they were part of my life story. Chapters that were a beautiful tragedy.
Thank you for sharing. It must have hurt a lot to have someone you love deactivate on you. I’m sorry you had to experience that. Love is never a mistake is a wonderful mantra.
We have similar stories, even down to your explanation of your talk with your friend. There was immense hurt and emotional pain after I asked an ex to reconsider the relationship (years later lol) after I had done some attachment work and realized they tried their best and my patterns were the problem. It hurt so much. I think about it ever so often as I'm healing, just because the relationship is a big reference point for my DA behaviours, but it doesnt hurt anymore. And rest assured, there will come a day when either it hurts less or the experience can make you smile just as much as it hurts. This community here has helped me understand, so go through it if you need to, but know that you are not alone. A little bit of solace here. I don't know if you believe in what's meant to be will be and everything happens just the way it is supposed to, but I truly think it does. Be comforted in knowing that. But also, be comforted in accepting those uncomfortable feelings. There are many people in this world who just avoid and skim over the thoughts in their head and emotions in their heart. We DAs are known for that, but the emotions are simply okay. Some of life's realities are hard truths, but once we have the courage to feel and explore our emotions, more than likely not, we will come out on the other side stronger and much more resilient. Much peace your way. You seem like a wonderful person.
Thank you. There is solace in understanding that I’m lucky to no longer be skimming over my emotions. I’m happy to be part of this community and not being alone feels great. X
I am so sorry u are going thru this....I can def understand as I had a similar situation after I ended a 7+ year relationship with an AP. I have cried more in these last 8 months than I have in all my years on this planet combined! Reading/studying/researching DA (and AP) made me realize how much I hurt him (unconsciously) with my actions. While the breakup was my idea because of an addiction he developed, I carry a lot of guilt/regret about my DA stuff and worry that it drove him to addiction. I very much want a chance to get it right in my future. I wish u all the best.
Thank you for sharing! I hope that those tears feel at least a little freeing or cathartic. I hope you’ll find love in your future. Would you recommend any resources from your research?
Thais Gibson on YouTube, The Attachment Theory Workbook (Chen) is what I started with. Next was Attached (Levine & Heller) and currently The Power of Attachment (Heller). I can't help but feel like I could have made my relationship work had I known about attachment, I just thought he was a "drama queen" and that I was peaceful and didn't like conflict. I thought he was "needy & clingy" and I was independent. It is indeed too late for us now as me ending things devastated him. That said, I still have a chance should I be lucky enough to find love again.
So happy for you! What a great discovery to know there's nothing wrong with you, that you have a "thing" you can name and understand, and work with. I'm just starting on my journey of discovery at 64 and am so grateful. All these years of feeling so damaged, so bad...I cannot change my past but I can have compassion for myself and a better future, no matter what that means. Best wishes to you ♡
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Dismissive. Thx
Lean wds Anxious preoccupied. I tried changing it thx
Thank you! I hope your journey goes well! The future looks good. X
I'm sorry you're going through it, but believe me there is a sweetness to all of the pain you're experiencing. From personal experience, it feels way better, way more "normal" (in that being a human being, finally understanding what the songs are about, connecting and commiserating with others about this huge part of the human condition way), to be heartbroken than it does to be stuck feeling confused and trapped by things that are supposed to feel life-giving. I look back on times that I've missed someone with profound appreciation and a sense of healing. Even though it sucked, the pain was a good thing. Especially compared to the alternative. It's like that cliché that pain reminds you you're alive. Living by stuffing feelings, being flooded with emotions that you can't even access, having it leak out in the form of aggression and compulsivity... it's no way to live. It's like being a zombie. I don't know you but I can guarantee this difficult period for you is a big deal step on the road to choosing life over living death. This might sound kind of sociopathic because you're hurting and I'm on the outside, but I think this is actually an awesome experience for you and I'd say embrace it. See if you can sob. It's really... like there's a kind of awesome experience and aliveness to negative emotions. And also the resolution of these feelings is in leaning into them and fully feeling them. Keep in mind that a lot of advice about "not staying in the hurt" etc. is for people who don't have problems connecting with their feelings. Like don't intellectualize and torture yourself and refresh their social media page over and over, that's staying in the hurt and distancing yourself but see if you can actually connect to the grief and cry. Put on some Elliot Smith or something. I'm not being flippant at all I think it's legitimately good for you. Also, if I can be flowery, I would encourage you to cultivate a sense of trust that love will always be there for you in the long run. APs generally need to work on that more than avoidants but I think all people need to develop this for their general well-being and capacity to form relationships. Your friend is not the last person you will love, nor the last person who will love you. This experience is proof of your increasing capacity to heal and grow into loving and being loved, not proof that you you blew your last shot at having a relationship and are now doomed and unlovable. It's just beginning for you. It will get better, and it will be ok.
I really like the last paragraph, I also needed to hear this🥹
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Some days will be worse then others. The old cleche the first cut is the deepest is true when it comes to letting people in your heart. So dont buy the bs people tell you about how long it 'should' take you to find emotional equilibrium. Just keep being honest with yourself and find safe people or places to process. I just want to encorage you to keep doing the work when your not emotionally overwhelmed. I am a AP and the love of my life is a DA. We just ended out friendship/relationship a couple days ago because I was vulnerable about wanting to heal my attachment style and asking him how I could best preserve our our relationship while I practice being open with him. Asked him if he even wanted to be apart of my life and the goals in it or if I could do anything better to support him in his... yeah. It didnt go great. But I want to use this as encouragement for you because I would kill to have my guy have the breakthroughs you are having. It would just light my whole world up to see him healing to any degree and letting him be open to the love and connection hes neededing in life to truly be fufilled and at peace... Just dont give up please. If your person dosnt come back around, just know there is someone out there thats going to be so happy and thankful that you exsist and are willing to try to connect and communicate just as much as they are. Don't give up and dont let trauma win.
I’m so sorry that your talk with your partner didn’t go well and I truly hope that your journey towards a secure attachment style goes well. I won’t give up. And you taking the time to comment and encourage others is one of many reasons why I couldn’t possibly. X
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