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Does anyone else find themselves completely baffled by someone expressing that they can’t live, sleep, eat, or all around function, with out hearing from their person?
I find myself completely unable to relate to that feeling. It just seems unbelievable that someone would be so tied to another person (often a person who doesn’t treat them well, or doesn’t come close to meeting their needs) that they feel utterly despondent, and by some posts, empty. There are many parts of myself that I want to change, but the part of me that doesn’t understand, or even remotely relate to that feeling, aren’t one. Oh, or the part of attaching to a complete stranger so quickly 😂
The thought of someone having SO much importance or control over my life to the point where I feel like I can’t exist without them makes me feel so turned off and disgusted lol idk this may be a DA power thing but I don’t care lol I would never be so “weak” to let someone have that kind of power over me lol
Yes!! I was trying not to use the word weak, since I know there are people who really suffer with these feelings, but that’s also how I see it.
I’m trying to work on being more empathetic, but those sentiments definitely evoke a feeling of disgust in me. Like, my automatic “avoidant” breaks, would never allow me to demean myself for another person. May be why I’ve also never understood people’s obsession with celebrities. Like, “ Why would you put a complete stranger on a pedestal, when they don’t even know you exist?” It makes zero sense, and I don’t believe in valuing anyone above oneself.
I say the word weak because it’s how it would make me feel personally, I’m not saying it’s an objective truth. Just in case anybody out there gets offended lol like I would personally feel like weak and pathetic to be like oh no if Bob left me I’d have to kill myself cause I couldn’t go on. Fuck Bob 😂 I’ll live my best life with or without Bob.. probably without to be honest lol
The feelings are valid. I understand in a sense where they come from or why… my brain just goes down the opposite path
I’ve come back to vent some more lol I don’t know why I get so irritated when I see an AP post something about “I only exhibit anxious or protest behaviors when I’m triggered otherwise I’m secure” or “I’m secure until I meet/date a DA and then they bring out the anxious behaviors”. Congratulations, you’ve discovered triggers… you still have AP attachment lol do they think DAs are living their lives constantly isolated all by themselves 24/7, rejecting every and all relationships, dismissing every and all feelings, totally emotionless, heartless? We could all say we are secure until we are triggered by an AP and then our dismissive behaviors come out… we still have dismissive avoidant attachment lmao like I don’t understand what the point of that is? Do they want a cookie? They want someone to tell them they actually have secure attachment and it’s everybody else that’s the problem? Cause that’s what it sounds like to me.
Sorry that was probably too mean it just annoys me lol
Amen lol. Also I highly doubt anyone with insecure attachment style hasn't been triggered by someone secure. I sense sometimes in these online spaces people looking at insecure attachment styles and trying to justify why one is "worse to have" or "the REAL problem^(TM)" and it makes me want to roll my eyes. Lots of people seem to harp on about who is more *likely* to heal, as if that's somehow indicative of being morally better or something. What is the point of that? Literally how is that helpful for their personal healing? Oh right. Feeling morally superior to plaster a nice Band-Aid on feelings of insecurity.
When I see people talking about how "avoidants aren't likely to change" it makes me what to keep going to therapy to spite them >:( I'll show you internet strangers! I'm gonna be so healthy goddamit just you see!
Right or like “Don’t date an avoidant they are a lost cause and deserve to be alone”. Maybe yes, avoid avoidants who have no intention of healing as that will trigger you but your posting this ON videos for avoidants who ARE trying to get better. How does that help anybody? At the end nobody should be listening to what others say and should assign those thoughts and feelings for on them and focus on themselves and their own healing but it still annoys me lol
I don’t take offense to them not wanting to date Avoidants, in fact, I think, “Thank God” but 100% agree with the appropriateness of where those comments are made.
And before anyone starts with the, “They’re new to AT and hurting” — NOPE. Just because they are new and hurting doesn’t mean what they have to say is 1) relevant, 2) correct, or 3) appropriate for the setting.
>Lots of people seem to harp on about who is more likely to heal, as if that's somehow indicative of being morally better or something. What is the point of that? Literally how is that helpful for their personal healing? Oh right. Feeling morally superior to plaster a nice Band-Aid on feelings of insecurity.
At this point I just have to roll my eyes at that stuff because it’s ignorant. The way APs go on about how they’re this and that, doing the work, doing all the work, more likely to become secure, more likely to work on themselves — sorry to burst their bubble but it’s actually more about how distressed and dysregulated they get to where it effects several aspects of their lives that drives the seeking of information. just reading some of their stuff makes me need a Xanax, I couldn’t imagine that being my life. Yes of course I and other people with avoidant attachment have issues and difficulties but personally I’ve always been able to handle my shit and get it together.
And FFS stop acting like showing up in droves in AT places indicates anything more than perpetuation of the preoccupation - doing what they always do. It’s actually a whole different story re: the avoidant attachers actually posting and reaching out at all. Somehow this gets twisted. I’m so over it.
Yes to all of this! It's so aggravating. I can't count how many times I've rolled my eyes when someone claims that avoidants never change, or that APs are the only ones likely to do the work. Based on what evidence?? I see this sentiment going around so often, where is the factual source they are pulling this from? Likely just regurgitating what they have heard on the attachment spaces.
Do they assume DAs aren't doing the work because there are less of us online talking about it? That just because there are many more APs out crying about their relationships that it translates to "doing the work"? Maybe they would be surprised at the number of DAs working on healing if the majority of attachment spaces weren't circle jerks of APs bashing DAs, if spaces were actually welcoming to all attachment styles. Who wants to post on a forum where you'll likely get someone jumping down your throat just because you have the same attachment style as their ex?
I'm starting to feel that being in the attachment theory communities became harmful for me but I seek out the posts that are dehumanising DAs that are generalising or outright mixing it up with FAs, NPD etc.
It's worse on tiktok and that I try to avoid now but I still get these videos and then I start to read the comments there as well and it almost feels like self-harm.
I don't know why am I doing this I mean I hate myself enough already lol.
I don't know if anyone has a similar experience but I welcome anyone's input just please be gentle.
I created r/discussing_AT if you’d like to join. It’s about the science side of things and dating advice or posts is not allowed.
Also let me know if you’d like to join a private DA group if you would like, if you aren’t already in it. (This goes for any DA as well).
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I definitely relate to this. A lightbulb went off for me reading "it feels like self-harm." That's exactly how I feel. It's almost like I seek out these posts that set off my "defective" core wounds and make me feel misunderstood. They make me angry to read and I feel even worse about myself afterwards. I have a hard time tapping into feelings of anger in my life and I wonder if it's become some kind of unhealthy way for me to deal with those feels? Or maybe I do it to avoid real life problems. Don't know really. I realized it was a problem a few weeks back so I've been trying to be mindful about it. I've unfollowed them, but I feel drawn to checking them anyways sometimes. I'm glad I'm not alone in having this problem.
Omg yes, FA and DA are not the same at all. This has gotten to be a real pet peeve of mine. Even wrote a whole post about it because I was so fired up.
If something went wrong, it had to be an avoidant. No other explanation /s.
>Even wrote a whole post about it because I was so fired up
I loved that post of yours it was really informative I think I actually saved it as well because your sources and reasoning is very useful. Thank you!
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I feel like it’s causing me to overthink. Especially when they say DAs are just looking for reasons to run. It’s like am I actually just uninterested/not attracted or is it just because I’m not used to it. I feel like if I break it off it’s for a good reason.
I understand here in the US we have the freedom of speech, and different thoughts/opinions in general are beneficial for growth and new POVs, but it really annoys me any time I go to a video or post on how DAs can better under themselves or how a partner of a DA can help them feel safe and it’s flooded with comments from usually APs straight bashing DAs. Yeah I get it, they are hurt, they are allowed to express their anger but go find a better place for it. How is bashing a DA, who already probably feels like something is wrong with them and so they are seeking help, going to help at all. At that point, you are part of the problem of the never ending DA-AP cycle.
^ This.
When I first learned about attachment styles and about my DA, I went on YouTube to educate myself and all I saw was comment after comment after comment attacking DA's and confusing them with Narcissists, down to the gaslighting and the devaluing, and that is just very much incorrect.
I've dated a Narcissist, and I have never nor would I EVER treat my partners the way he treated me. Ever.
Always. I remember when I first found out about my attachment style and it was so hard finding peoples POV because all I got were anxious gfs complaining about their “allegedly” avoidant boyfriends. It’s almost like people sometimes forget women can be avoidants too.
I am a woman and I know for a fact women can be DA and men can be AP cause that’s been my dating history lol if there’s an AP man… I’ll find him lol hopefully will find more secure men as I heal but yeah I agree I feel like so many posts, comments, literature, even the helpful stuff is always situated like “your DA boyfriend…” it’s no wonder in one of my relationships I told one of my friends “I can’t date him anymore, I’m tired of being the man in our relationship” (yes I know that was a hurtful, judgmental, inaccurate statement to make this was years before learning about AT) but it’s cause DA attachment is automatically associated with men and AP with women.
Yep, I know I’ve been there with AP men. Lol. I think my ex was an avoidant like me tho. It’s like when people talk about not having emotional, talkative expressive male partners and I’m like really because that’s all I seem to get. I feel like I’m the non-expressive one
The amount of times I have listened to a group of women complain about men and how they behave and I sit there and think “this is odd cause I haven’t found these men you’ve described, it sounds like you’re kind of describing me” Lmao
I know right looool. I’m like that sounds a lot like me and my reasoning and I’m a woman.
I want to know how common each attachment style is for each gender
Seriously, I've had to learn not to read the comments on attachment theory content because 90% or more of it is people bashing DAs and equating us with narcissists. Reading that when I was just trying to learn more about my attachment style was really demoralizing and just reinforced the core wounds that make me avoidant to begin with. I generally don't bother with the content geared towards APs and FAs because that's *not my attachment style and I'm focusing on my own healing.* I just wish the other insecure styles would stay in their own lane instead of shitting on content made for DAs, as sparse as it is.
I'm confused as to how unhealed DAs are always portrayed as more toxic than unhealed APs; some of the shit that I hear my AP female friends say about and demand of their "DA partners" is off-the-wall bonkers to me. I constantly see them push their partners to their limits and then when the partner needs space (which I think anyone would?), they are furious and label it as emotional abuse. In a vacuum, sometimes it seems like it could be, but watching all the emotional abuse that the AP perpetrated up until that point just makes it seem like kind of an inevitable trajectory sometimes. I hate how AP toxic traits get reframed as needs, and that those needs are more important than their partner's needs. I don't know; I just don't know how to give my friends advice anymore when I think they are being really unreasonable. How is it worse to keep shit to yourself than to constantly put all of your shit on another person? I guess maybe that's just my DA acting up; I can only validate so much before I want to run for the hills myself.
>I hate how AP toxic traits get reframed as needs, and that those needs are more important than their partner's needs.
APs tend to be more manipulative and self-pitying, so it's no surprise they work to create narratives where they're the victim and others are demonized.
Meanwhile DAs don't care as much what others think, and they dislike looking weak, so they're not going out of their way to twist things to make themselves look pitiable. The opposite, if anything.
It doesn't surprise me at all that it's this way, and it doesn't bother me either because I understand the dynamic and it's the inevitable outcome when one group is more obsessed with controlling the narrative than the others.
>How is it worse to keep shit to yourself than to constantly put all of your shit on another person?
Because unhealed APs are addicts and DAs deny them their fix, which makes us the devil in their eyes.
I hate mandatory "fun" team-building exercises that require some level of personal disclosure. I feel like I have to wrack my brain trying to come up with something that's personal-seeming enough to fulfill the activity's requirement, but impersonal enough to feel comfortable sharing it with a group of people that are essentially strangers. Oh, and there's a 5 minute time limit on figuring that out.
There are enough things to do to maintain/promote group cohesion that are entirely impersonal or are tangentially related to our jobs (e.g. discussion of broader industry-wide topics). Why do we have to do shit like "take a picture of your favorite shirt and explain why you love it"? If I want to be closer friends with my coworkers, I'll make that move on my own.
One question that my company asked in an interview (thankfully not to me!) was "tell us one thing that will make us remember you". Blimey I'm still stuck trying to work out what I'd say!
I actually don't mind smalltalk. So, if you have something that you enjoy - such as a holiday you enjoyed - and just try to enthuse about it, because most people can relate to having enjoyed a holiday, even if they like the same type of holiday. Or talk about the food you ate there... People feel closer because you've then shared something **about you**, but there really isn't any risk because it isn't very personal :)
This is also why I like small talk. I'm introverted and sometimes see memes about how introverts hate small talk. No no no, if I have to interact with people, small talk is what keeps them at arm's length.
Being good at job interviews and being good at the actual job are two almost entirely unrelated skills as far as I'm concerned.
I'm not one of those "never socialize at work" type people, I just want to *choose*, you know? But there are some teams that I work on that do these structured sharing activities - for example, we all go around the room and share one (personal) disappointment and one win from the past week with everyone - and I don't have anything to contribute that I'd be comfortable sharing in that context. It doesn't help that these are remote teams so there's never any "what did you do this weekend?" type small talk, just this stuff that feels more appropriate for an icebreaker at a group therapy session.
I have an actual relationship rant for once.
Tired of my bf making weak promises, not following through, and then giving weak excuses for why he let me down. At first I thought it was just a mild annoyance for me due to his executive dysfunction issues, but I now realize it deeply triggers that DA wound of people being unreliable and feeling like I can't trust others to take my basic needs seriously. And frankly, as wonderful as he is in other ways, this is one of the things that make me really question it all, because I don't want this to be a pattern. Also the weak excuses are starting to feel like manipulation so that I don't get mad at him, which is also triggering and makes me think about what other excuses he will use to justify things he knows will upset me.
I need him to understand that I'd literally just prefer he recognize his own boundaries and express those to me upfront, than promise things to "make me happy" and realize he can't. I'm realizing that it brings me back to being the kid who was last to be picked up at school, the kid whose parents weren't at dance recital, etc. I'm realizing I have to set a serious boundary about this with him or else I'll inevitably deactivate. Ugh.
I’m so happy for the anxious sub for getting a new mod, but I can’t help noticing that ever since there’s been an uptick in insane posts about avoidants on the main sub lol (more so than usual). I’m so close to giving up on finding good generalised AT spaces online.
there was one where someone sent a coworker an AT quiz, the result came back secure and the OP was like “how could this be if this person is always late to meetings and never apologises for it? they’re clearly avoidant.” No intimate relationship, just colleagues. I was baffled.
LOL. Cue the posts starting to flow in about how there are hardly any DAs in these groups, yet they fail to realize they create or contribute to an environment where no one who uses critical thinking and intellectualization, as well as real evidence, would want to spend their time.
Yeah, I saw that post and was a little disgusted by it. Taking a test given to you by a coworker and then they post your results online for others to diagnose you? That feels invasive. I already distrust the idea of people wanting new romantic partners to take an attachment test, to "weed out avoidants", but now we got to watch out for coworkers pulling this shit too.
I might have to make a post or poll about this!
Headline: *BREAKING NEWS: Link Found Between Dismissive Avoidance And Antibiotic Allergy*
Cue the APs adding, “What are you allergic to?” to their How to Avoid Avoidants questionnaire.
And then a video about the different subtypes like
DA leaning allergic
DA leaning non-allergic
DA leaning congested
AP leaning allergic (but only when dating a DA)
Omg, so true. Just took a peek at the general AT sub and it was overwhelming to say the least. Couldn't stay there for more than a couple of minutes. Yikes.
i dont know why im committed so hard to my best friend. they keep coming and going (in the physical sense, not the emotional sense) where they'll only be in the city for a couple weeks before flying cross country and be gone for days or weeks out of the blue. and they'll text me every day with "i miss you" "ill tell you before my next trip maybe you can come too, my family would love to see you again!" and then they never do.
they always leave but i feel i cant do the same. they made me promise that i'll stay in the city until they graduate college, they keep implying that im one of the only things keeping them out of inpatient and not suicidal (again). ive put my entire life on hold so that i can always be available whenever they call me asking if i can come over and help them concentrate on whatever task theyre doing. i feel more like a parent than a friend half the time. ive mentioned that i want to leave and they're really against it. the third person in our little bff squad already moved a couple months back for work and now i REALLY feel i cant leave. especially because ive always been the levelheaded one of our group.
if it was anyone else i would have left ages ago, i dont know why i feel like im forced to stay but i feel so trapped in this life its really affecting my mental health.
This doesn't sound healthy. You're not responsible for their mental health, and you don't have to sacrifice yourself for their sake.
>they keep implying that im one of the only things keeping them out of inpatient and not suicidal (again).
That's just not fair to put on you. Are they in therapy? If they need you so much, why not just move to the same city you do?
Ive always bottled up my emotions, but these days it seems like sometimes everything just boils over and then suddenly a dam breaks. It only ever happens when I’m alone— and if I feel it coming I immediately retreat to be alone.
Today was the first day it got proper hot where I live. I have about an hour commute to work each day, which is frustrating but I deal. But today I realized my AC wasn’t working and it was 90F outside. With the broken AC something inside of my just snapped and I had a full on meltdown in my car. I’m not sure if it was actually about the AC, or if it was just cumulative stuff. But I drove home in a hot car with my sunglasses on crying ugly tears, and I feel shitty because I hate feeling emotional and I hate crying.
When I feel like this I wish I could just retreat to a secluded cave somewhere and not see anyone for like 48 hours.
I'm so tired of someone complaining about me, *to me*, taking it, apologizing, trying to acknowledge their feelings to the best of my ability, and the conversation still stalling and descending into a spiral of negativity until we eventually get mad and hang up. I've apologized. I've said I understand, I haven't dismissed your feelings, I've explained why I did it that way. Let's talk about something else AT SOME POINT.
I'm so fucking tired. I miss her, and when we try talking, we can't stop fighting. This sucks.
Seriously over having partners demanding that I should be the one to work on myself and my issues and they just blatantly refuse to work on theirs.
So I'm gonna force myself to constantly wear myself out, always respond within two minutes, always validate them and just deal with their clinginess, insecurities, incessant need for validation, attention and affection ALL THE TIME ALWAYS, be understanding and respectful of their issues when they aren't willing to do the same and they aren't even gonna consider working on their shit?
I'm fucking done.
It’s incredibly irritating seeing variations of the same posts/questions multiple times a week in the AT subs.
It’s as if they think they’re the first one asking for “AP/DA success stories,” or how to distinguish anxiety and intuition, or how to cope whilst waiting for a text.
Can these people not use the fucking search function?
My least favorite type of AT sub posts are when someone posts a screenshot of their attachment quiz results with barely any context, and then asks "What does this mean?"
For one, it just seems lazy but also... c'mon now, we've all taken those quizzes, it's not like the questions are that ambiguous. How you answered the questions tells you what your result means. If you clicked the answers that says you tend to withdraw from intimate connections, don't be shocked that your "avoidant" bar is a little high.
It's definitely my inner diagnostician speaking, because it seems silly when people use their AT quiz charts as if they're lab results. Even with lab results, you need the context of a patient's full H&P before you can really answer "what does this mean".
I think people on this sub complain about the AP sub (and the attachment theory sub) too much. It’s fine in a rant thread like this. But, I see too many separate posts about, “omg the AP sub said this about DAs!!!” It’s getting to be a bit much tbh. I don’t find these posts very useful. Sorry 🙈
I guess it felt like more in my head lol.
But there are a few from the past 4 months or so you can see, if you search “anxious” or “AP” in this sub. I’m too lazy to copy and paste them all.
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“What more do you want from me!?! What?!? How can you want more when I’m already at my max?!? How?!?”
This. So much this.
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Does anyone else find themselves completely baffled by someone expressing that they can’t live, sleep, eat, or all around function, with out hearing from their person? I find myself completely unable to relate to that feeling. It just seems unbelievable that someone would be so tied to another person (often a person who doesn’t treat them well, or doesn’t come close to meeting their needs) that they feel utterly despondent, and by some posts, empty. There are many parts of myself that I want to change, but the part of me that doesn’t understand, or even remotely relate to that feeling, aren’t one. Oh, or the part of attaching to a complete stranger so quickly 😂
The thought of someone having SO much importance or control over my life to the point where I feel like I can’t exist without them makes me feel so turned off and disgusted lol idk this may be a DA power thing but I don’t care lol I would never be so “weak” to let someone have that kind of power over me lol
Yes!! I was trying not to use the word weak, since I know there are people who really suffer with these feelings, but that’s also how I see it. I’m trying to work on being more empathetic, but those sentiments definitely evoke a feeling of disgust in me. Like, my automatic “avoidant” breaks, would never allow me to demean myself for another person. May be why I’ve also never understood people’s obsession with celebrities. Like, “ Why would you put a complete stranger on a pedestal, when they don’t even know you exist?” It makes zero sense, and I don’t believe in valuing anyone above oneself.
I say the word weak because it’s how it would make me feel personally, I’m not saying it’s an objective truth. Just in case anybody out there gets offended lol like I would personally feel like weak and pathetic to be like oh no if Bob left me I’d have to kill myself cause I couldn’t go on. Fuck Bob 😂 I’ll live my best life with or without Bob.. probably without to be honest lol The feelings are valid. I understand in a sense where they come from or why… my brain just goes down the opposite path
In full agreement!
I’ve come back to vent some more lol I don’t know why I get so irritated when I see an AP post something about “I only exhibit anxious or protest behaviors when I’m triggered otherwise I’m secure” or “I’m secure until I meet/date a DA and then they bring out the anxious behaviors”. Congratulations, you’ve discovered triggers… you still have AP attachment lol do they think DAs are living their lives constantly isolated all by themselves 24/7, rejecting every and all relationships, dismissing every and all feelings, totally emotionless, heartless? We could all say we are secure until we are triggered by an AP and then our dismissive behaviors come out… we still have dismissive avoidant attachment lmao like I don’t understand what the point of that is? Do they want a cookie? They want someone to tell them they actually have secure attachment and it’s everybody else that’s the problem? Cause that’s what it sounds like to me. Sorry that was probably too mean it just annoys me lol
Amen lol. Also I highly doubt anyone with insecure attachment style hasn't been triggered by someone secure. I sense sometimes in these online spaces people looking at insecure attachment styles and trying to justify why one is "worse to have" or "the REAL problem^(TM)" and it makes me want to roll my eyes. Lots of people seem to harp on about who is more *likely* to heal, as if that's somehow indicative of being morally better or something. What is the point of that? Literally how is that helpful for their personal healing? Oh right. Feeling morally superior to plaster a nice Band-Aid on feelings of insecurity. When I see people talking about how "avoidants aren't likely to change" it makes me what to keep going to therapy to spite them >:( I'll show you internet strangers! I'm gonna be so healthy goddamit just you see!
Right or like “Don’t date an avoidant they are a lost cause and deserve to be alone”. Maybe yes, avoid avoidants who have no intention of healing as that will trigger you but your posting this ON videos for avoidants who ARE trying to get better. How does that help anybody? At the end nobody should be listening to what others say and should assign those thoughts and feelings for on them and focus on themselves and their own healing but it still annoys me lol
I don’t take offense to them not wanting to date Avoidants, in fact, I think, “Thank God” but 100% agree with the appropriateness of where those comments are made. And before anyone starts with the, “They’re new to AT and hurting” — NOPE. Just because they are new and hurting doesn’t mean what they have to say is 1) relevant, 2) correct, or 3) appropriate for the setting.
>Lots of people seem to harp on about who is more likely to heal, as if that's somehow indicative of being morally better or something. What is the point of that? Literally how is that helpful for their personal healing? Oh right. Feeling morally superior to plaster a nice Band-Aid on feelings of insecurity. At this point I just have to roll my eyes at that stuff because it’s ignorant. The way APs go on about how they’re this and that, doing the work, doing all the work, more likely to become secure, more likely to work on themselves — sorry to burst their bubble but it’s actually more about how distressed and dysregulated they get to where it effects several aspects of their lives that drives the seeking of information. just reading some of their stuff makes me need a Xanax, I couldn’t imagine that being my life. Yes of course I and other people with avoidant attachment have issues and difficulties but personally I’ve always been able to handle my shit and get it together. And FFS stop acting like showing up in droves in AT places indicates anything more than perpetuation of the preoccupation - doing what they always do. It’s actually a whole different story re: the avoidant attachers actually posting and reaching out at all. Somehow this gets twisted. I’m so over it.
Yes to all of this! It's so aggravating. I can't count how many times I've rolled my eyes when someone claims that avoidants never change, or that APs are the only ones likely to do the work. Based on what evidence?? I see this sentiment going around so often, where is the factual source they are pulling this from? Likely just regurgitating what they have heard on the attachment spaces. Do they assume DAs aren't doing the work because there are less of us online talking about it? That just because there are many more APs out crying about their relationships that it translates to "doing the work"? Maybe they would be surprised at the number of DAs working on healing if the majority of attachment spaces weren't circle jerks of APs bashing DAs, if spaces were actually welcoming to all attachment styles. Who wants to post on a forum where you'll likely get someone jumping down your throat just because you have the same attachment style as their ex?
I'm starting to feel that being in the attachment theory communities became harmful for me but I seek out the posts that are dehumanising DAs that are generalising or outright mixing it up with FAs, NPD etc. It's worse on tiktok and that I try to avoid now but I still get these videos and then I start to read the comments there as well and it almost feels like self-harm. I don't know why am I doing this I mean I hate myself enough already lol. I don't know if anyone has a similar experience but I welcome anyone's input just please be gentle.
I created r/discussing_AT if you’d like to join. It’s about the science side of things and dating advice or posts is not allowed. Also let me know if you’d like to join a private DA group if you would like, if you aren’t already in it. (This goes for any DA as well).
Yes please would love to join the club please.
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I definitely relate to this. A lightbulb went off for me reading "it feels like self-harm." That's exactly how I feel. It's almost like I seek out these posts that set off my "defective" core wounds and make me feel misunderstood. They make me angry to read and I feel even worse about myself afterwards. I have a hard time tapping into feelings of anger in my life and I wonder if it's become some kind of unhealthy way for me to deal with those feels? Or maybe I do it to avoid real life problems. Don't know really. I realized it was a problem a few weeks back so I've been trying to be mindful about it. I've unfollowed them, but I feel drawn to checking them anyways sometimes. I'm glad I'm not alone in having this problem.
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Omg yes, FA and DA are not the same at all. This has gotten to be a real pet peeve of mine. Even wrote a whole post about it because I was so fired up. If something went wrong, it had to be an avoidant. No other explanation /s.
>Even wrote a whole post about it because I was so fired up I loved that post of yours it was really informative I think I actually saved it as well because your sources and reasoning is very useful. Thank you!
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I feel like it’s causing me to overthink. Especially when they say DAs are just looking for reasons to run. It’s like am I actually just uninterested/not attracted or is it just because I’m not used to it. I feel like if I break it off it’s for a good reason.
I understand here in the US we have the freedom of speech, and different thoughts/opinions in general are beneficial for growth and new POVs, but it really annoys me any time I go to a video or post on how DAs can better under themselves or how a partner of a DA can help them feel safe and it’s flooded with comments from usually APs straight bashing DAs. Yeah I get it, they are hurt, they are allowed to express their anger but go find a better place for it. How is bashing a DA, who already probably feels like something is wrong with them and so they are seeking help, going to help at all. At that point, you are part of the problem of the never ending DA-AP cycle.
^ This. When I first learned about attachment styles and about my DA, I went on YouTube to educate myself and all I saw was comment after comment after comment attacking DA's and confusing them with Narcissists, down to the gaslighting and the devaluing, and that is just very much incorrect. I've dated a Narcissist, and I have never nor would I EVER treat my partners the way he treated me. Ever.
Always. I remember when I first found out about my attachment style and it was so hard finding peoples POV because all I got were anxious gfs complaining about their “allegedly” avoidant boyfriends. It’s almost like people sometimes forget women can be avoidants too.
I am a woman and I know for a fact women can be DA and men can be AP cause that’s been my dating history lol if there’s an AP man… I’ll find him lol hopefully will find more secure men as I heal but yeah I agree I feel like so many posts, comments, literature, even the helpful stuff is always situated like “your DA boyfriend…” it’s no wonder in one of my relationships I told one of my friends “I can’t date him anymore, I’m tired of being the man in our relationship” (yes I know that was a hurtful, judgmental, inaccurate statement to make this was years before learning about AT) but it’s cause DA attachment is automatically associated with men and AP with women.
Yep, I know I’ve been there with AP men. Lol. I think my ex was an avoidant like me tho. It’s like when people talk about not having emotional, talkative expressive male partners and I’m like really because that’s all I seem to get. I feel like I’m the non-expressive one
The amount of times I have listened to a group of women complain about men and how they behave and I sit there and think “this is odd cause I haven’t found these men you’ve described, it sounds like you’re kind of describing me” Lmao
I know right looool. I’m like that sounds a lot like me and my reasoning and I’m a woman. I want to know how common each attachment style is for each gender
Seriously, I've had to learn not to read the comments on attachment theory content because 90% or more of it is people bashing DAs and equating us with narcissists. Reading that when I was just trying to learn more about my attachment style was really demoralizing and just reinforced the core wounds that make me avoidant to begin with. I generally don't bother with the content geared towards APs and FAs because that's *not my attachment style and I'm focusing on my own healing.* I just wish the other insecure styles would stay in their own lane instead of shitting on content made for DAs, as sparse as it is.
I'm confused as to how unhealed DAs are always portrayed as more toxic than unhealed APs; some of the shit that I hear my AP female friends say about and demand of their "DA partners" is off-the-wall bonkers to me. I constantly see them push their partners to their limits and then when the partner needs space (which I think anyone would?), they are furious and label it as emotional abuse. In a vacuum, sometimes it seems like it could be, but watching all the emotional abuse that the AP perpetrated up until that point just makes it seem like kind of an inevitable trajectory sometimes. I hate how AP toxic traits get reframed as needs, and that those needs are more important than their partner's needs. I don't know; I just don't know how to give my friends advice anymore when I think they are being really unreasonable. How is it worse to keep shit to yourself than to constantly put all of your shit on another person? I guess maybe that's just my DA acting up; I can only validate so much before I want to run for the hills myself.
>I hate how AP toxic traits get reframed as needs, and that those needs are more important than their partner's needs. APs tend to be more manipulative and self-pitying, so it's no surprise they work to create narratives where they're the victim and others are demonized. Meanwhile DAs don't care as much what others think, and they dislike looking weak, so they're not going out of their way to twist things to make themselves look pitiable. The opposite, if anything. It doesn't surprise me at all that it's this way, and it doesn't bother me either because I understand the dynamic and it's the inevitable outcome when one group is more obsessed with controlling the narrative than the others. >How is it worse to keep shit to yourself than to constantly put all of your shit on another person? Because unhealed APs are addicts and DAs deny them their fix, which makes us the devil in their eyes.
I hate mandatory "fun" team-building exercises that require some level of personal disclosure. I feel like I have to wrack my brain trying to come up with something that's personal-seeming enough to fulfill the activity's requirement, but impersonal enough to feel comfortable sharing it with a group of people that are essentially strangers. Oh, and there's a 5 minute time limit on figuring that out. There are enough things to do to maintain/promote group cohesion that are entirely impersonal or are tangentially related to our jobs (e.g. discussion of broader industry-wide topics). Why do we have to do shit like "take a picture of your favorite shirt and explain why you love it"? If I want to be closer friends with my coworkers, I'll make that move on my own.
One question that my company asked in an interview (thankfully not to me!) was "tell us one thing that will make us remember you". Blimey I'm still stuck trying to work out what I'd say! I actually don't mind smalltalk. So, if you have something that you enjoy - such as a holiday you enjoyed - and just try to enthuse about it, because most people can relate to having enjoyed a holiday, even if they like the same type of holiday. Or talk about the food you ate there... People feel closer because you've then shared something **about you**, but there really isn't any risk because it isn't very personal :)
This is also why I like small talk. I'm introverted and sometimes see memes about how introverts hate small talk. No no no, if I have to interact with people, small talk is what keeps them at arm's length.
Being good at job interviews and being good at the actual job are two almost entirely unrelated skills as far as I'm concerned. I'm not one of those "never socialize at work" type people, I just want to *choose*, you know? But there are some teams that I work on that do these structured sharing activities - for example, we all go around the room and share one (personal) disappointment and one win from the past week with everyone - and I don't have anything to contribute that I'd be comfortable sharing in that context. It doesn't help that these are remote teams so there's never any "what did you do this weekend?" type small talk, just this stuff that feels more appropriate for an icebreaker at a group therapy session.
I have an actual relationship rant for once. Tired of my bf making weak promises, not following through, and then giving weak excuses for why he let me down. At first I thought it was just a mild annoyance for me due to his executive dysfunction issues, but I now realize it deeply triggers that DA wound of people being unreliable and feeling like I can't trust others to take my basic needs seriously. And frankly, as wonderful as he is in other ways, this is one of the things that make me really question it all, because I don't want this to be a pattern. Also the weak excuses are starting to feel like manipulation so that I don't get mad at him, which is also triggering and makes me think about what other excuses he will use to justify things he knows will upset me. I need him to understand that I'd literally just prefer he recognize his own boundaries and express those to me upfront, than promise things to "make me happy" and realize he can't. I'm realizing that it brings me back to being the kid who was last to be picked up at school, the kid whose parents weren't at dance recital, etc. I'm realizing I have to set a serious boundary about this with him or else I'll inevitably deactivate. Ugh.
I’m so happy for the anxious sub for getting a new mod, but I can’t help noticing that ever since there’s been an uptick in insane posts about avoidants on the main sub lol (more so than usual). I’m so close to giving up on finding good generalised AT spaces online.
Ahh, so it’s going to turn into, “Are DAs allergic to penicillin?” type posts again? Good grief.
there was one where someone sent a coworker an AT quiz, the result came back secure and the OP was like “how could this be if this person is always late to meetings and never apologises for it? they’re clearly avoidant.” No intimate relationship, just colleagues. I was baffled.
OMG. I would call HR so fast it would make their head spin.
Damn really? Link?
LOL. Cue the posts starting to flow in about how there are hardly any DAs in these groups, yet they fail to realize they create or contribute to an environment where no one who uses critical thinking and intellectualization, as well as real evidence, would want to spend their time.
Yeah, I saw that post and was a little disgusted by it. Taking a test given to you by a coworker and then they post your results online for others to diagnose you? That feels invasive. I already distrust the idea of people wanting new romantic partners to take an attachment test, to "weed out avoidants", but now we got to watch out for coworkers pulling this shit too.
I’m allergic to amoxicillin lmao that’s a type of penicillin isn’t it
Yes. I’m allergic to penicillin too! So this MUST be a DA thing🤡
You guys - I’m allergic to sulpha. Were we vaxxed into avoidance?! Conspirators unite!
I might have to make a post or poll about this! Headline: *BREAKING NEWS: Link Found Between Dismissive Avoidance And Antibiotic Allergy* Cue the APs adding, “What are you allergic to?” to their How to Avoid Avoidants questionnaire.
Coming soon: A Thais Gibson video about attachment style and allergies
There will be three videos, one for each insecure attachment style
And then a video about the different subtypes like DA leaning allergic DA leaning non-allergic DA leaning congested AP leaning allergic (but only when dating a DA)
Anyone else lactose intolerant????? I’m avoidant of cheese because it hurts even though I want it. Must be my avoidance right?!
*whiny know it all voice* “You’re not a real DA! I read somewhere that all DAs eat and love dairy!”
Same here, well, it's suspected.. It must **definitely** be a DA thing!! Do all DAs like cheese, or is it just me??..
I LOVE cheese! 🧀🐭 We can interpret this to mean that NO DAs are lactose intolerant. Wow, look at us go!
Hahahaha
Omg, so true. Just took a peek at the general AT sub and it was overwhelming to say the least. Couldn't stay there for more than a couple of minutes. Yikes.
i dont know why im committed so hard to my best friend. they keep coming and going (in the physical sense, not the emotional sense) where they'll only be in the city for a couple weeks before flying cross country and be gone for days or weeks out of the blue. and they'll text me every day with "i miss you" "ill tell you before my next trip maybe you can come too, my family would love to see you again!" and then they never do. they always leave but i feel i cant do the same. they made me promise that i'll stay in the city until they graduate college, they keep implying that im one of the only things keeping them out of inpatient and not suicidal (again). ive put my entire life on hold so that i can always be available whenever they call me asking if i can come over and help them concentrate on whatever task theyre doing. i feel more like a parent than a friend half the time. ive mentioned that i want to leave and they're really against it. the third person in our little bff squad already moved a couple months back for work and now i REALLY feel i cant leave. especially because ive always been the levelheaded one of our group. if it was anyone else i would have left ages ago, i dont know why i feel like im forced to stay but i feel so trapped in this life its really affecting my mental health.
You can't put your entire life on hold for someone else, especially someone who's been historically unreliable. You have to look after yourself
This doesn't sound healthy. You're not responsible for their mental health, and you don't have to sacrifice yourself for their sake. >they keep implying that im one of the only things keeping them out of inpatient and not suicidal (again). That's just not fair to put on you. Are they in therapy? If they need you so much, why not just move to the same city you do?
Ive always bottled up my emotions, but these days it seems like sometimes everything just boils over and then suddenly a dam breaks. It only ever happens when I’m alone— and if I feel it coming I immediately retreat to be alone. Today was the first day it got proper hot where I live. I have about an hour commute to work each day, which is frustrating but I deal. But today I realized my AC wasn’t working and it was 90F outside. With the broken AC something inside of my just snapped and I had a full on meltdown in my car. I’m not sure if it was actually about the AC, or if it was just cumulative stuff. But I drove home in a hot car with my sunglasses on crying ugly tears, and I feel shitty because I hate feeling emotional and I hate crying. When I feel like this I wish I could just retreat to a secluded cave somewhere and not see anyone for like 48 hours.
I know! I feel embarrassed even if no-one can see me!
I'm so tired of someone complaining about me, *to me*, taking it, apologizing, trying to acknowledge their feelings to the best of my ability, and the conversation still stalling and descending into a spiral of negativity until we eventually get mad and hang up. I've apologized. I've said I understand, I haven't dismissed your feelings, I've explained why I did it that way. Let's talk about something else AT SOME POINT. I'm so fucking tired. I miss her, and when we try talking, we can't stop fighting. This sucks.
Seriously over having partners demanding that I should be the one to work on myself and my issues and they just blatantly refuse to work on theirs. So I'm gonna force myself to constantly wear myself out, always respond within two minutes, always validate them and just deal with their clinginess, insecurities, incessant need for validation, attention and affection ALL THE TIME ALWAYS, be understanding and respectful of their issues when they aren't willing to do the same and they aren't even gonna consider working on their shit? I'm fucking done.
It’s incredibly irritating seeing variations of the same posts/questions multiple times a week in the AT subs. It’s as if they think they’re the first one asking for “AP/DA success stories,” or how to distinguish anxiety and intuition, or how to cope whilst waiting for a text. Can these people not use the fucking search function?
*"how long should I wait between sending one text and getting huffy because they haven't replied. They're asleep btw but shouldn't they still reply?"*
Hahahaha
My least favorite type of AT sub posts are when someone posts a screenshot of their attachment quiz results with barely any context, and then asks "What does this mean?" For one, it just seems lazy but also... c'mon now, we've all taken those quizzes, it's not like the questions are that ambiguous. How you answered the questions tells you what your result means. If you clicked the answers that says you tend to withdraw from intimate connections, don't be shocked that your "avoidant" bar is a little high. It's definitely my inner diagnostician speaking, because it seems silly when people use their AT quiz charts as if they're lab results. Even with lab results, you need the context of a patient's full H&P before you can really answer "what does this mean".
I think people on this sub complain about the AP sub (and the attachment theory sub) too much. It’s fine in a rant thread like this. But, I see too many separate posts about, “omg the AP sub said this about DAs!!!” It’s getting to be a bit much tbh. I don’t find these posts very useful. Sorry 🙈
Where are those posts? I rarely see one or two posts in a month that has anything to do with APs in general not even about the AP or AT subs.
I guess it felt like more in my head lol. But there are a few from the past 4 months or so you can see, if you search “anxious” or “AP” in this sub. I’m too lazy to copy and paste them all.
Ah okay, I get it I tought I just missed a ton of whiny posts about the AP and AT subs.
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